All language subtitles for The Golden Girls 03-10 The Audit-eng

Hi, Ma. Oh, something smells terrific.
What is it?

Spaghetti sauce.
Here, have a taste.

Delicious.

Delicious? This is the reason
your father and I got married.

Girls, do you realise it has been
eight days since I've had a date?

Do you realise it's been eight days
since I had...

Ma, please.

- Whatever it is, keep it to yourself.
- That's my problem.

I don't understand.

I just don't seem to be able to
attract as many men as I used to.

Maybe it's just the beginning of the end.

Maybe I'll never have another date again
as long as I live.

Don't be ridiculous.
Not you, Blanche.

You're right.
I am being ridiculous.

If anybody never has another date,
it'll probably be you.

Thank you, Dorothy.
I feel so much better.

Hi, girls. Guess what I'll be doing for three
hours every Tuesday and Thursday night.

Cutting up your black pantyhose

and putting on
an Amos 'n Andy puppet show?

No, but what a great idea!

Terrific! Now you have
something to do on Wednesdays.

Okey-dokey.

Do you know that promotion I was up for
at the counselling centre?

I found out I can't have it
unless I become bilingual.

Oh, no, honey. Don't do that!

No job is worth having to date women.

Blanche, bilingual refers to a person
who speaks more than one language.

Why'd I think it was
something sexual?

That's why I signed up for
a Spanish class at night school.

That's a wonderful idea.
Men go to night school. Smart men.

And nothing turns me on more
than a smart man.

Unless maybe it's a stupid man
with good hands.

- Rose, count me in.
- Dinner's ready.

- What are we having?
- Spaghetti.

- Ooh, Italian food?
- No, Rose, actually it's Chinese food

wearing a marinara suit.

I'll get it.

Now that I'm taking Spanish, I'm going to
totally immerse myself in the culture.

From now on, I'm only speaking Spanish.

I'm eating Spanish food,
I'm wearing Spanish clothes

and I'm rereading the covers of
my Julio Iglesias albums really carefully.

Dorothy, Stan's here to see you.

Hi, everybody.

Sorry to barge in on your meal.

Would you like some spaghetti?
It's really delicious.

- Did you make it?
- No.

I'd love some.

You here for a reason,
or did you come for the free food?

Ma, please,
the man is a guest in our home.

What the hell do you want, Stanley?

Well, it seems the IRS found a few
discrepancies in my tax returns,

so I think we may have a slight problem.

Stanley, we have not been together
for a long time.

Your tax return is your problem.

Not exactly. They've decided to
go over the returns for the last few years,

and a few years ago we were still married.

Babe, I'm afraid we're being audited.

- What?
- He said, "Babe..."

I heard him, Rose.

Just relax, Dorothy.
Sometimes they randomly audit people.

- It doesn't mean there's a problem.
- There's a problem.

That's too bad.
Pass the meatballs.

Dorothy, I take total blame for this.
I know it's a bummer.

But no matter what comes down,
we're in this together, babe.

I won't know until we
actually reconstruct our finances,

but the way I figure it
we'll probably pay a small fee.

- That doesn't sound so bad.
- Unless we get a prison term.

But don't worry about it. I'll come by
tomorrow and we'll go over all the receipts.

- Pass the parmesan.
- I will not! Now, get out, Stanley.

Calm down. I can eat it plain.

Well, gotta go now.
See you tomorrow night.

I can't believe this is happening.

Our whole married life,
I was so careful about money.

And all the time
Stanley had his hand in the cookie jar.

In the old days the Vikings would cut
off your hand if they caught you stealing.

They'd cut out your tongue
if they caught you lying.

They'd cut off your feet
if they caught you trespassing.

Too bad there wasn't a Viking around
when Stanley knocked you up.

Buenos d�as. Dorothio.
That means "Hello, Dorothy" in Spanish.

You've really taken command of
the language, haven't you, Rose?

S�. That means yes.

Gee, Rose, if I close my eyes
I'd swear I was in Ecuador.

Sorry, that was me.

OK, Rose. I'm ready for class.

You look like you're going to
a cocktail party.

S�. Mucho. Mucho bazoomas.

Well, gracias. Honey.

- Hi, it's me, Stan.
- Come on in.

So thoughtful of you to bring garbage.

These are my tax receipts.
Our future is in this bag.

How appropriate.

- Hi, girls.
- Hi, Stan.

Blanche, you look great in that blouse.
Are those new? I mean...

- Is that new?
- Stanley, you naughty boy.

When was the last time
somebody gave you a spankin'?

Vegas.

Blanche, we don't want to be late.

Oh, darn! I keep forgetting,
I'm not supposed to speak English.

Being bilingual really gets me confused.

Ziploc bags get you confused.

- See you girls later.
- Adi�s.

Sophia, you look younger than ever.

Thank you, Stan. And that's
a beautiful toupee you're wearing.

There. Now we're both lying.

OK, Stan, let's get this over with.

OK, here's a copy of the tax return.

We'll go over each deduction individually,
and document it with a receipt.

OK.

What the hell is this?

Oh, that. It's a business loss.
I made a bad investment.

What investment? You never told me
you were investing our money.

Well, I actually wasn't planning to,

but I knew this was a moneymaker
the minute I laid eyes on it.

I'm talking tie bibs, babe.

- Tie bibs.
- Yeah. Little bibs that fit over your necktie.

You go out to lunch, you don't
have to worry about staining your tie.

It's a perfect gift, a great idea.

And the best part was,
no one else had ever thought of it.

To this day, I don't know why
I couldn't sell them.

Did you ever hear of napkins, Stanley?

Hey. So I didn't make the cover of Fortune.

I was just trying to do something
to make things better for us.

Our friends were moving up and we were
stuck with a one-way ticket to Palookaville.

I wanted to be someone, babe.
I wanted to be a contender.

Stanley, did you just rent
On the Waterfront?

You know me so well.

No, I don't.
What is this $ 2500 deduction for a gift?

This is the receipt for the diamond ring you
gave me on our 38th wedding anniversary.

I know.

You spent $ 2500 on me?

Yeah. Figured after 38 years
you deserved something major.

Listen, I know we've had our differences,

but you've always stuck by me
when it really counted.

- I'll always love you for that, Dorothy.
- Oh, thank you, Stanley.

Stanley, what are all these deductions
for a Corvette and a rented garage?

Dorothy, don't get mad,
and don't hit me if you do.

I kind of bought a Corvette
without telling you.

- You bought a car without telling me?
- I couldn't help it.

- I was going through a midlife crisis.
- So was I.

I gave myself a perm
and took up jazzercise.

You bought a car without telling me?

How can I explain it?

When I sat behind the wheel, people
noticed me. People paid attention.

That car was a chick magnet.

That is it, Stanley. That's it, get out.
Get out. Get out of my house!

Get out of my life!

What about the audit?
We can get into trouble.

- We could even wind up in jail.
- Good, good. I want you to go to jail.

And I want a big, bald convict named
Bubba to pick you for his girlfriend.

You don't mean that.

The hell I don't.
This is all your fault, Stanley.

It doesn't matter who's to blame.
The point is, we're in this together.

If you don't cooperate, fine.
You'll hurt yourself.

You're right, and I hate you for it.

- What's all the racket?
- Oh, nothing. I could murder Stan.

- He bought a Corvette without telling me.
- So what are you complaining about?

Your father used to do things
without telling me all the time.

How do you think I got pregnant
with your brother Phil?

Remember, I'll handle everything.
I'm a salesman.

I deal with people.
I know what I'm doing.

Shut up, Stan.

Mellow out, Dorothy. Once we get in there,
we have to exercise psychological control.

- That's why I'm wearing this suit.
- You make me sick.

Hey, everyone knows
good guys wear white.

This suit subliminally tells the auditor
I'm a good guy.

I could vomit just looking at you.

Mr and Mrs Zbornak,
step into my office, please.

Watch me work my magic, babe.

Good afternoon. I'm Wendell Murray.
I'll conduct your audit.

Nice to meet you. I'm Dorothy Zbornak.
This is my ex-husband, Stanley.

Wendell...

paisan.

We're going to jail.

What did you call me?

Before he answers that, let me reiterate,
we are bitterly divorced.

Relax, Dorothy. Wendell, I called you
"paisan", friend, brother of the scalp.

Because, if I may get philosophical
for just one moment,

I've always believed we bald men
are like any other minority.

- That's why we have to stick together.
- Who you calling bald?

Nobody, nobody.
Just shut up and put your hair on.

Yes, dear. Wendell -
if I may call you Wendell -

did I mention the fact that
I am a member of the Rainbow Coalition?

Mr and Mrs Zbornak, may I remind you

that, as an employee of the Internal
Revenue Service, it is my sole obligation

to see that the government gets
the money it has coming to it?

- And I'll bet you do a fine job of it.
- Thank you.

However, I have no personal stake
in this whatsoever. Is that understood?

- Oh, yes, yes.
- You bet, my man.

Then cut the crap, paisan.

Folks, I've been at this job
almost four years

and in that short time
I can honestly say

that I have never seen such an inept,
clumsy, downright stupid attempt

to avoid paying income tax.

Thanks. That means a lot
coming from you.

I can also honestly say that
I'm amazed the way this lays out.

You only owe a small amount.

- You're kidding.
- No. $5,000.

$5,000? We don't have that kind of money.

- Uncle Sam doesn't like to hear that.
- Aunt Dorothy doesn't enjoy saying it.

I expect you each to cough up $ 2500
in 30 days.

What if we can't?

We'll have to put a lien on your bank
accounts, your property and your salaries.

And if that doesn't work,
we'll have to incarcerate you.

Oh, my God.
We're going to jail.

That's right, Stanley.

And, please, let me know where
you and Bubba register for your china.

Rose, honey.
What are you still doing up?

Studying for my Spanish test.
Like somebody else I know should be.

Don't strain yourself. Here.

Blanche! These are the answers to the
test. Where did you get these?

- I'll give you one guess.
- You slept with the teacher?

Of course I didn't sleep with the teacher.
You have to be very careful these days.

I promised I would
if he'd give me the answers.

I call it "safe teasing".

Well, you can just have them back.
I've only cheated once in my life,

- and I vowed I'd never do it again.
- Couldn't handle the guilt, huh?

No, I got caught.

It was the worst experience of my whole
life. St Olaf was rocked by the scandal.

What did you do, short-change somebody
down at the feed store?

Worse!

I fed BBs to my prize lamb Harlan so
he'd weigh in heavier at the county fair.

Oh, my God, Rose.
How do you sleep at night?

I knew it was wrong all along,
but I wanted to win first prize.

And I would have, if Harlan could have
held it just a little longer.

Boy, did you just miss a real gem.

Poor Dorothy.
What are you doing up?

I can't sleep. Every time I close my eyes,
I see Uncle Sam going through my purse.

Worried about the money
you owe the government?

No, Blanche.

I'm worried about whether Michael Jackson
will buy the remains of the Elephant Man.

Really? Gee,
I'd be worried about the money.

Does anyone around here ever go to bed?

I can't sleep, Ma.
I can't work, I can't eat.

All I can do is think about how I'm gonna
raise the rest of that 2500 bucks.

- I wish I had it, pussycat.
- I know. If you had it, you'd give it to me.

Don't put words in my mouth.
I said I wish I had it.

I've put away a little money. It's not
nearly enough, but you're welcome to it.

- Oh, Rose.
- I could lend you a couple hundred.

I planned on putting it toward my cruise
to the Bahamas, but what the heck.

Oh, thank you, girls.

I'll just buy a couple of
Harry Belafonte tapes...

- I really appreciate this...
...and limbo under the clothesline.

...but I can't accept this.
- OK.

I only have half of the 2500.

Since I don't qualify for a bank loan, I'm
just gonna have to sell some of my stuff.

Hold it. No daughter of mine
is selling her stuff.

It's a sin, it's a crime,

and let's face it, Dorothy -
lately you can't give it away.

Ma, I'm talking about selling
some of my belongings.

I called a couple of pawn shops
and I'm gonna check them out tomorrow.

I'm wonderful at bargaining.
I'll go with you.

- Me too.
- Oh, thanks, girls.

You know...
I can't believe this is happening.

I was so careful about my finances
all my life.

I thought that by now
I'd have some sort of security.

- And here I am, flat broke.
- I know what you mean.

I never dreamt I'd be single
and working at this age.

I never dreamt I'd be this age.

Let me tell you the three most
important things I learned about life.

Number one: Hold fast to your friends.

Number two:
There's no such thing as security.

And number three: Don't go see Ishtar.

Now, girls, listen. Listen.

Remember, the way to make a deal
is we state our price, stick to our guns

and undo another button on our blouses.

That is ridiculous. Unbuttoning my blouse
is not gonna get us a better deal.

You are absolutely right. Don't touch yours.
Rose and I will unbutton ours.

- Buenos d�as. Se�oritas.
- Hi.

Buenos d�as. � c�mo est�?

Queremos todo tu dinero.

Please, don't hurt me, just take my money.

I'm sorry. I think I got my verbs mixed up.

Thanks a lot, lady.

- So what do you want?
- I would like to pawn a few things.

- You got a lot of things here.
- Yeah.

So, how much will you give me?

A hundred dollars for everything.

Wait a minute!
Sir, I am shocked at your insensitivity.

May I point out to you
that this is no ordinary pitcher?

This pitcher was carried
thousands of miles across the ocean

by her great-great-grandmother.

A woman who came to this country
in search of a better life,

as have done millions of immigrants
throughout history.

Why, this pitcher is a symbol of freedom.
This pitcher is a symbol of liberty.

This pitcher was made in Taiwan.

Well, maybe they stopped off
at the Ellis Island gift shop.

The point is, this pitcher is worth
a considerable amount of money.

Lady, that story is worth more
than the pitcher.

In fact, except for the ring
that you're wearing,

nothing that you brought is worth anything.

- How much for the ring?
- $800.

- I couldn't pawn this.
- $900.

- Take it, Dorothy.
- No, I couldn't.

This is the only nice thing
that Stan ever gave me.

- $1,000.
- It's also the only valuable thing.

- Hock it.
- I can't.

$1200, my final offer.

No, this isn't for sale. There are
some things that have no price. I...

This means a lot to me. My husband
gave it to me after 38 years of marriage.

And after 38 years of marriage he also
dumped you for a 23-year-old stewardess

with firm thighs and perky breasts.

You got yourself a ring, muchacho.

- Hi, Dorothy.
- Hi! What are you two doing here?

I thought you had a Spanish class tonight.

We do, but we're not going.
We dropped out.

What about your promotion
at the counselling centre?

I can forget about that. Norwegians
are notoriously bad at Spanish.

I guess that's why
there are no herring tacos.

And it was a big waste of my time.
There was only one cute guy there.

And he kept doodling the name Kenny
over and over in his notebook.

- Hi, Dorothy.
- Come on in.

I have the check for my half of the money.

- Hi, girls.
- Hi, Stan.

Hi, Stan. Where's your hair?

Damn, I never should have
opened that sunroof.

- This just isn't my week.
- Here you go.

Thanks, Dorothy.

Dorothy, listen.
I'm really sorry about all of this.

It's all my fault. Here...

A little something for you.

- My ring.
- I didn't want you to sell it. Not like this.

- How did you know?
- I called while you were out.

Sophia told me what happened,
so I bought it back.

- Stanley, you didn't have to do that.
- I wanted to do it, Dorothy.

Because in spite of everything,
you're still the best.

I think I'm gonna cry.

No, don't do that.
Your eyes will get all beady,

and your nose will swell up
like Karl Malden's.

Wait a minute.
If you bought the ring back,

how did you come up with the money?

- Sold the Corvette.
- You didn't.

Yeah, it was tough.
I had some great times with that car,

but the times I had with you
were a hell of a lot more important.

- Stanley, I'm so sorry.
- Me too.

I guess I finally became
what I always feared most -

another middle-aged bald guy
who drives a Toyota.

Oh, Stanley, this is the nicest thing
anyone's ever done for me.

Rose, honey. Come on, let's go down to
Wally's and see if we can meet some men.

- Come on.
- OK.

If you're taking Biscayne Boulevard,
would you keep an eye out for my hair?

We really pulled it out of the fire,
didn't we, babe?

- We sure did.
- It felt nice, you and me...

working together as a team again.

It did feel nice.

Reminds me of when we were first married.

We sure had some good times.

So, as long as I'm here,
what do you say, babe?

For old time's sake,
you wanna go to bed?

Dorothy! Dorothy, let go. It was a joke.

You're hurting me.
You're really hurting me.