All language subtitles for Saturday.Night.Live.S48E18.WEB.x264-TORRENTGALAXY_Track03

.
>>> LIVE FROM CENTRAL PARK, IT'S
THE FIRST WARM DAY OF THE YEAR

>>> LIVE FROM CENTRAL PARK, IT'S
THE FIRST WARM DAY OF THE YEAR
ARRIVALS SHOW.

THE FIRST WARM DAY OF THE YEAR
ARRIVALS SHOW.
>> WELL, FOLKS, IT'S MID APRIL

ARRIVALS SHOW.
>> WELL, FOLKS, IT'S MID APRIL
HERE IN NEW YORK CITY, AND THE

>> WELL, FOLKS, IT'S MID APRIL
HERE IN NEW YORK CITY, AND THE
TEMPERATURE HIT 90 DEGREES THIS

HERE IN NEW YORK CITY, AND THE
TEMPERATURE HIT 90 DEGREES THIS
WEEK, A FULL TWO MONTHS AHEAD OF

TEMPERATURE HIT 90 DEGREES THIS
WEEK, A FULL TWO MONTHS AHEAD OF
SCHEDULE.

WEEK, A FULL TWO MONTHS AHEAD OF
SCHEDULE.
WHILE THAT MAY BE TERRIFYING ON

SCHEDULE.
WHILE THAT MAY BE TERRIFYING ON
A CLIMATE LEVEL, THE WARM

WHILE THAT MAY BE TERRIFYING ON
A CLIMATE LEVEL, THE WARM
WEATHER CAN ONLY MEAN ONE THING.

A CLIMATE LEVEL, THE WARM
WEATHER CAN ONLY MEAN ONE THING.
ALL THE FREAKS, CRAZIES, AND

WEATHER CAN ONLY MEAN ONE THING.
ALL THE FREAKS, CRAZIES, AND
WEIRDOS ARE HEADED TO CENTRAL

ALL THE FREAKS, CRAZIES, AND
WEIRDOS ARE HEADED TO CENTRAL
PARK.

WEIRDOS ARE HEADED TO CENTRAL
PARK.
AND WE'RE EXPECTED TO SEE SOME

PARK.
AND WE'RE EXPECTED TO SEE SOME
ICONIC PARK PEOPLE TODAY, AREN'T

AND WE'RE EXPECTED TO SEE SOME
ICONIC PARK PEOPLE TODAY, AREN'T
WE, JACE?

ICONIC PARK PEOPLE TODAY, AREN'T
WE, JACE?
>> WE SURE ARE.

WE, JACE?
>> WE SURE ARE.
THE MOOD HERE IS ELECTRIC.

>> WE SURE ARE.
THE MOOD HERE IS ELECTRIC.
THE SMELL OF HORSE MANURE IS IN

THE MOOD HERE IS ELECTRIC.
THE SMELL OF HORSE MANURE IS IN
THE AIR.

THE SMELL OF HORSE MANURE IS IN
THE AIR.
IT'S A MAN DOING AN AGGRESSIVE

THE AIR.
IT'S A MAN DOING AN AGGRESSIVE
POWER WALK.

IT'S A MAN DOING AN AGGRESSIVE
POWER WALK.
>> HI THERE.

POWER WALK.
>> HI THERE.
>> FIRST, DISH ON THIS OUTFIT.

>> HI THERE.
>> FIRST, DISH ON THIS OUTFIT.
>> CERTAIN WILL I.

>> FIRST, DISH ON THIS OUTFIT.
>> CERTAIN WILL I.
I'M WEARING THE TIGHTEST SPANDEX

>> CERTAIN WILL I.
I'M WEARING THE TIGHTEST SPANDEX
SHIRT OF ALL TIME, LITTLE

I'M WEARING THE TIGHTEST SPANDEX
SHIRT OF ALL TIME, LITTLE
SHORTS, AND A WEIRD HEART RATE

SHIRT OF ALL TIME, LITTLE
SHORTS, AND A WEIRD HEART RATE
MONITOR STRAPPED TO MY ARM.

SHORTS, AND A WEIRD HEART RATE
MONITOR STRAPPED TO MY ARM.
>> ICONIC.

MONITOR STRAPPED TO MY ARM.
>> ICONIC.
CAN YOU GIVE US A PREVIEW OF

>> ICONIC.
CAN YOU GIVE US A PREVIEW OF
YOUR WALK?

CAN YOU GIVE US A PREVIEW OF
YOUR WALK?
>> ABSOLUTELY.

YOUR WALK?
>> ABSOLUTELY.
BEHIND YOU, BEHIND YOU, ON YOUR

>> ABSOLUTELY.
BEHIND YOU, BEHIND YOU, ON YOUR
LEFT.

BEHIND YOU, BEHIND YOU, ON YOUR
LEFT.
AND THERE IT IS.

LEFT.
AND THERE IT IS.
>> WOW, GORGEOUS.

AND THERE IT IS.
>> WOW, GORGEOUS.
DANA.

>> WOW, GORGEOUS.
DANA.
>> WELL, JACE, I AM STAR STRUCK

DANA.
>> WELL, JACE, I AM STAR STRUCK
RIGHT NOW AS I AM JOINED BY NOT

>> WELL, JACE, I AM STAR STRUCK
RIGHT NOW AS I AM JOINED BY NOT
ONE BUT TWO PERVERTS WHO CAME TO

RIGHT NOW AS I AM JOINED BY NOT
ONE BUT TWO PERVERTS WHO CAME TO
THE PARK TO PLEASURE THEMSELVES.

ONE BUT TWO PERVERTS WHO CAME TO
THE PARK TO PLEASURE THEMSELVES.
>> NICE TO BE OUT OF THE SUBWAY.

THE PARK TO PLEASURE THEMSELVES.
>> NICE TO BE OUT OF THE SUBWAY.
>> EXCITED FOR THE BIG DAY?

>> NICE TO BE OUT OF THE SUBWAY.
>> EXCITED FOR THE BIG DAY?
>> OH, YEAH.

>> EXCITED FOR THE BIG DAY?
>> OH, YEAH.
I GOT MY MODESTY BLANKET AND BY

>> OH, YEAH.
I GOT MY MODESTY BLANKET AND BY
KNOCK LARS, SO I'M GOOD TO GO.

I GOT MY MODESTY BLANKET AND BY
KNOCK LARS, SO I'M GOOD TO GO.
>> YOU KNOW WHERE TO FIND YOUR

KNOCK LARS, SO I'M GOOD TO GO.
>> YOU KNOW WHERE TO FIND YOUR
BOYS, THIS IS BUSHES, BABY.

>> YOU KNOW WHERE TO FIND YOUR
BOYS, THIS IS BUSHES, BABY.
>> ANY NEW TECHNIQUES THIS YEAR?

BOYS, THIS IS BUSHES, BABY.
>> ANY NEW TECHNIQUES THIS YEAR?
>> OH, JUST ONE.

>> ANY NEW TECHNIQUES THIS YEAR?
>> OH, JUST ONE.
>> IS THAT A FAKE ARM?

>> OH, JUST ONE.
>> IS THAT A FAKE ARM?
>> YEAH.

>> IS THAT A FAKE ARM?
>> YEAH.
>> WOW!

>> YEAH.
>> WOW!
SHAME ON YOU BOTH.

>> WOW!
SHAME ON YOU BOTH.
JACE.

SHAME ON YOU BOTH.
JACE.
>> WELL, WE WERE HOPING SHE

JACE.
>> WELL, WE WERE HOPING SHE
WOULD MAKE AN APPEARANCE.

>> WELL, WE WERE HOPING SHE
WOULD MAKE AN APPEARANCE.
IT'S A WOMAN LEARNING TO ROLLER

WOULD MAKE AN APPEARANCE.
IT'S A WOMAN LEARNING TO ROLLER
BLADE.

IT'S A WOMAN LEARNING TO ROLLER
BLADE.
>> YEAH.

BLADE.
>> YEAH.
I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO LEARN, AND

>> YEAH.
I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO LEARN, AND
I THOUGHT WHAT BETTER PLACE THAN

I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO LEARN, AND
I THOUGHT WHAT BETTER PLACE THAN
ON A CROWDED PATHWAY FILLED WITH

I THOUGHT WHAT BETTER PLACE THAN
ON A CROWDED PATHWAY FILLED WITH
THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE.

ON A CROWDED PATHWAY FILLED WITH
THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE.
>> HORRIBLE PLAN.

THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE.
>> HORRIBLE PLAN.
LET'S SEE WHAT YOU GOT.

>> HORRIBLE PLAN.
LET'S SEE WHAT YOU GOT.
>> HERE I GO.

LET'S SEE WHAT YOU GOT.
>> HERE I GO.
>> AND SHE FELL RIGHT AWAY.

>> HERE I GO.
>> AND SHE FELL RIGHT AWAY.
DANA.

>> AND SHE FELL RIGHT AWAY.
DANA.
>> WELL, LOOK WHO I FOUND.

DANA.
>> WELL, LOOK WHO I FOUND.
TWO OF CENTRAL PARK'S FINEST.

>> WELL, LOOK WHO I FOUND.
TWO OF CENTRAL PARK'S FINEST.
PARK EMPLOYEES WHO DO NOT CARE

TWO OF CENTRAL PARK'S FINEST.
PARK EMPLOYEES WHO DO NOT CARE
ABOUT THEIR JOBS.

PARK EMPLOYEES WHO DO NOT CARE
ABOUT THEIR JOBS.
HOW YOU GUYS FEELING?

ABOUT THEIR JOBS.
HOW YOU GUYS FEELING?
>> WE ARE VERY HIGH RIGHT NOW.

HOW YOU GUYS FEELING?
>> WE ARE VERY HIGH RIGHT NOW.
YES.

>> WE ARE VERY HIGH RIGHT NOW.
YES.
THANK YOU FOR ASKING.

YES.
THANK YOU FOR ASKING.
>> AMAZING.

THANK YOU FOR ASKING.
>> AMAZING.
ANY WARNINGS FOR THOSE WHO

>> AMAZING.
ANY WARNINGS FOR THOSE WHO
VIOLATE PARK RULES?

ANY WARNINGS FOR THOSE WHO
VIOLATE PARK RULES?
>> YOU DO YOU.

VIOLATE PARK RULES?
>> YOU DO YOU.
>> INSPIRING WORDS.

>> YOU DO YOU.
>> INSPIRING WORDS.
JACE, I HEAR YOU'VE SPOTTED AN

>> INSPIRING WORDS.
JACE, I HEAR YOU'VE SPOTTED AN
ABSOLUTE LEGEND.

JACE, I HEAR YOU'VE SPOTTED AN
ABSOLUTE LEGEND.
>> WELL, I HOPE SHE'LL STOP TO

ABSOLUTE LEGEND.
>> WELL, I HOPE SHE'LL STOP TO
TALK.

>> WELL, I HOPE SHE'LL STOP TO
TALK.
IT'S A LADY TRYING TO TELL

TALK.
IT'S A LADY TRYING TO TELL
SOMEONE WHERE SHE IS.

IT'S A LADY TRYING TO TELL
SOMEONE WHERE SHE IS.
>> WELL, I DON'T SEE YOU, BITCH.

SOMEONE WHERE SHE IS.
>> WELL, I DON'T SEE YOU, BITCH.
I'M RIGHT WHERE I SAID I WOULD

>> WELL, I DON'T SEE YOU, BITCH.
I'M RIGHT WHERE I SAID I WOULD
BE.

I'M RIGHT WHERE I SAID I WOULD
BE.
RIGHT BY THE BIG TREE, THE BIG

BE.
RIGHT BY THE BIG TREE, THE BIG
TREE NEAR THE BRIDGE.

RIGHT BY THE BIG TREE, THE BIG
TREE NEAR THE BRIDGE.
>> OH, JUST MISSED HER.

TREE NEAR THE BRIDGE.
>> OH, JUST MISSED HER.
DANA.

>> OH, JUST MISSED HER.
DANA.
>> HE'S BACK.

DANA.
>> HE'S BACK.
IT'S THE GROWN MAN WITH THE

>> HE'S BACK.
IT'S THE GROWN MAN WITH THE
DRONE WHO'S ALONE.

IT'S THE GROWN MAN WITH THE
DRONE WHO'S ALONE.
>> HEY, THERE.

DRONE WHO'S ALONE.
>> HEY, THERE.
>> AND YOU WON'T BE FILMING

>> HEY, THERE.
>> AND YOU WON'T BE FILMING
GIRLS LAYING OUT SUN BATHING,

>> AND YOU WON'T BE FILMING
GIRLS LAYING OUT SUN BATHING,
WILL YOU?

GIRLS LAYING OUT SUN BATHING,
WILL YOU?
>> NO.

WILL YOU?
>> NO.
>> I DON'T BELIEVE YOU.

>> NO.
>> I DON'T BELIEVE YOU.
NOW, JACE, THIS GUY IS BAD, BUT

>> I DON'T BELIEVE YOU.
NOW, JACE, THIS GUY IS BAD, BUT
I HEAR YOU'RE WITH ONE OF THE

NOW, JACE, THIS GUY IS BAD, BUT
I HEAR YOU'RE WITH ONE OF THE
WORST PARK PEOPLE OF ALL.

I HEAR YOU'RE WITH ONE OF THE
WORST PARK PEOPLE OF ALL.
>> I SURE AM.

WORST PARK PEOPLE OF ALL.
>> I SURE AM.
IT'S THE GUY WITH THE CLIPBOARD

>> I SURE AM.
IT'S THE GUY WITH THE CLIPBOARD
WHO WANTS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE A

IT'S THE GUY WITH THE CLIPBOARD
WHO WANTS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE A
SECOND FOR A GOOD CAUSE.

WHO WANTS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE A
SECOND FOR A GOOD CAUSE.
NOW, PEOPLE ABSOLUTELY HATE YOU.

SECOND FOR A GOOD CAUSE.
NOW, PEOPLE ABSOLUTELY HATE YOU.
CAN YOU TELL US WHY?

NOW, PEOPLE ABSOLUTELY HATE YOU.
CAN YOU TELL US WHY?
>> WELL, I THINK IT'S BECAUSE I

CAN YOU TELL US WHY?
>> WELL, I THINK IT'S BECAUSE I
ZERO IN ON FOLKS TRYING TO ENJOY

>> WELL, I THINK IT'S BECAUSE I
ZERO IN ON FOLKS TRYING TO ENJOY
THEMSELVES AND PESTER THEM FOR

ZERO IN ON FOLKS TRYING TO ENJOY
THEMSELVES AND PESTER THEM FOR
MONEY.

THEMSELVES AND PESTER THEM FOR
MONEY.
>> ABSOLUTELY.

MONEY.
>> ABSOLUTELY.
CAN WE SEE THAT IN ACTION?

>> ABSOLUTELY.
CAN WE SEE THAT IN ACTION?
>> YOU BET.

CAN WE SEE THAT IN ACTION?
>> YOU BET.
WOW.

>> YOU BET.
WOW.
COOL SHIRT.

WOW.
COOL SHIRT.
YOU HAVE A SECOND FOR --

COOL SHIRT.
YOU HAVE A SECOND FOR --
>> NO!

YOU HAVE A SECOND FOR --
>> NO!
I DONATED BEFORE.

>> NO!
I DONATED BEFORE.
>> WHAT AN ABSOLUTE PAIN IN THE

I DONATED BEFORE.
>> WHAT AN ABSOLUTE PAIN IN THE
ASS.

>> WHAT AN ABSOLUTE PAIN IN THE
ASS.
DANA.

ASS.
DANA.
>> IT'S A BIRD, IT'S A PLANE.

DANA.
>> IT'S A BIRD, IT'S A PLANE.
IT'S A CRAZY MAN WITH A

>> IT'S A BIRD, IT'S A PLANE.
IT'S A CRAZY MAN WITH A
MICROPHONE.

IT'S A CRAZY MAN WITH A
MICROPHONE.
>> GOOD TO BE BACK FOR ANOTHER

MICROPHONE.
>> GOOD TO BE BACK FOR ANOTHER
YEAR.

>> GOOD TO BE BACK FOR ANOTHER
YEAR.
>> AND I SEE YOU BROUGHT A LADY

YEAR.
>> AND I SEE YOU BROUGHT A LADY
FRIEND WITH YOU.

>> AND I SEE YOU BROUGHT A LADY
FRIEND WITH YOU.
>> I SURE DID.

FRIEND WITH YOU.
>> I SURE DID.
THIS WOMAN WILL BE DEBATING THE

>> I SURE DID.
THIS WOMAN WILL BE DEBATING THE
NONSENSE THAT I SCREAM AS IF I'M

THIS WOMAN WILL BE DEBATING THE
NONSENSE THAT I SCREAM AS IF I'M
A RATIONAL MAN WHOSE MIND CAN BE

NONSENSE THAT I SCREAM AS IF I'M
A RATIONAL MAN WHOSE MIND CAN BE
CHANGED.

A RATIONAL MAN WHOSE MIND CAN BE
CHANGED.
>> CAN WE GET A PREVIEW?

CHANGED.
>> CAN WE GET A PREVIEW?
>> OF COURSE.

>> CAN WE GET A PREVIEW?
>> OF COURSE.
>> OUR PLEASURE.

>> OF COURSE.
>> OUR PLEASURE.
>> BIDEN CREATED THE

>> OUR PLEASURE.
>> BIDEN CREATED THE
CORONAVIRUS.

>> BIDEN CREATED THE
CORONAVIRUS.
>> THAT IS BOLOGNA!

CORONAVIRUS.
>> THAT IS BOLOGNA!
>> WOW.

>> THAT IS BOLOGNA!
>> WOW.
I CAN'T TELL WHO ANNOYS ME MORE.

>> WOW.
I CAN'T TELL WHO ANNOYS ME MORE.
JACE.

I CAN'T TELL WHO ANNOYS ME MORE.
JACE.
>> WELL, WE HAVE BEEN WAITING

JACE.
>> WELL, WE HAVE BEEN WAITING
FOR HER TO ARRIVE.

>> WELL, WE HAVE BEEN WAITING
FOR HER TO ARRIVE.
IT'S WEALTHY WOMAN AND CHILD.

FOR HER TO ARRIVE.
IT'S WEALTHY WOMAN AND CHILD.
I FOUGHT TO ASK, WHAT'S THE PLAN

IT'S WEALTHY WOMAN AND CHILD.
I FOUGHT TO ASK, WHAT'S THE PLAN
TODAY?

I FOUGHT TO ASK, WHAT'S THE PLAN
TODAY?
>> I'M TAKING RILEY HERE TO THE

TODAY?
>> I'M TAKING RILEY HERE TO THE
PLAYGROUND WHERE I'LL SNAP INTO

>> I'M TAKING RILEY HERE TO THE
PLAYGROUND WHERE I'LL SNAP INTO
AN IMMEDIATE PANIC IF I LOSE

PLAYGROUND WHERE I'LL SNAP INTO
AN IMMEDIATE PANIC IF I LOSE
SIGHT OF HIM FOR ONE MINUTE.

AN IMMEDIATE PANIC IF I LOSE
SIGHT OF HIM FOR ONE MINUTE.
RILEY?

SIGHT OF HIM FOR ONE MINUTE.
RILEY?
RILEY!

RILEY?
RILEY!
>> OH, NO.

RILEY!
>> OH, NO.
>> WELL, I STILL DON'T SEE YOU.

>> OH, NO.
>> WELL, I STILL DON'T SEE YOU.
YOU KNOW WHAT?

>> WELL, I STILL DON'T SEE YOU.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'M DONE LOOKING FOR YOU, BITCH.

YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'M DONE LOOKING FOR YOU, BITCH.
YOU COME FIND ME.

I'M DONE LOOKING FOR YOU, BITCH.
YOU COME FIND ME.
I'LL BE IN THE GRASS IN A RED

YOU COME FIND ME.
I'LL BE IN THE GRASS IN A RED
BIKINI GETTING MYSELF SOME SUN.

I'LL BE IN THE GRASS IN A RED
BIKINI GETTING MYSELF SOME SUN.
>> WELL, WE'VE GOT PLENTY MORE

BIKINI GETTING MYSELF SOME SUN.
>> WELL, WE'VE GOT PLENTY MORE
PARK PEOPLE COMING UP, INCLUDING

>> WELL, WE'VE GOT PLENTY MORE
PARK PEOPLE COMING UP, INCLUDING
A WOMAN WITH AN OUT OF CONTROL

PARK PEOPLE COMING UP, INCLUDING
A WOMAN WITH AN OUT OF CONTROL
DOG AND A PERFORMANCE FROM SOME

A WOMAN WITH AN OUT OF CONTROL
DOG AND A PERFORMANCE FROM SOME
A-HOLE PLAYING A GUITAR.

DOG AND A PERFORMANCE FROM SOME
A-HOLE PLAYING A GUITAR.
AND LIVE --

A-HOLE PLAYING A GUITAR.
AND LIVE --
>> OKAY.

AND LIVE --
>> OKAY.
GIRL, I'M RIGHT HERE.

>> OKAY.
GIRL, I'M RIGHT HERE.
>> LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S

GIRL, I'M RIGHT HERE.
>> LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S
SATURDAY NIGHT!

>> LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S
SATURDAY NIGHT!
>> Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY

SATURDAY NIGHT!
>> Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY
NIGHT LIVE" WITH --

FEATURING --

MUSICAL GUEST KAROL G.
AND YOUR HOST, ANA de ARMAS.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, ANA de

AND YOUR HOST, ANA de ARMAS.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, ANA de
ARMAS!

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, ANA de
ARMAS!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

ARMAS!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>> GRACIAS.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>> GRACIAS.
GRACIAS.

>>> GRACIAS.
GRACIAS.
[ SPEAKING SPANISH ]

GRACIAS.
[ SPEAKING SPANISH ]
JUST KIDDING.

[ SPEAKING SPANISH ]
JUST KIDDING.
I SPEAK ENGLISH.

JUST KIDDING.
I SPEAK ENGLISH.
BUT I DIDN'T WHEN I FIRST GOT TO

I SPEAK ENGLISH.
BUT I DIDN'T WHEN I FIRST GOT TO
THE U.S.

BUT I DIDN'T WHEN I FIRST GOT TO
THE U.S.
I WAS BORN IN CUBA, CAME TO

THE U.S.
I WAS BORN IN CUBA, CAME TO
AMERICA WHEN I WAS 26, AND I

I WAS BORN IN CUBA, CAME TO
AMERICA WHEN I WAS 26, AND I
LEARNED ENGLISH THE WAY EVERYONE

AMERICA WHEN I WAS 26, AND I
LEARNED ENGLISH THE WAY EVERYONE
WHO COMES TO THIS COUNTRY DOES,

LEARNED ENGLISH THE WAY EVERYONE
WHO COMES TO THIS COUNTRY DOES,
BY WATCHING "FRIENDS."

WHO COMES TO THIS COUNTRY DOES,
BY WATCHING "FRIENDS."
WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT THE BEST

BY WATCHING "FRIENDS."
WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT THE BEST
ENGLISH TUTOR WOULD HAVE BEEN

WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT THE BEST
ENGLISH TUTOR WOULD HAVE BEEN
CHANDLER BING.

ENGLISH TUTOR WOULD HAVE BEEN
CHANDLER BING.
LOOK AT ME NOW, COULD I BE ANY

CHANDLER BING.
LOOK AT ME NOW, COULD I BE ANY
BETTER AT ENGLISH?

LOOK AT ME NOW, COULD I BE ANY
BETTER AT ENGLISH?
ACTING HERE WAS DIFFICULT AT

BETTER AT ENGLISH?
ACTING HERE WAS DIFFICULT AT
FIRST BECAUSE I DIDN'T ALWAYS

ACTING HERE WAS DIFFICULT AT
FIRST BECAUSE I DIDN'T ALWAYS
UNDERSTAND WHAT I WAS SAYING.

FIRST BECAUSE I DIDN'T ALWAYS
UNDERSTAND WHAT I WAS SAYING.
THEN I MET A GUY WHO HAD A CLASS

UNDERSTAND WHAT I WAS SAYING.
THEN I MET A GUY WHO HAD A CLASS
CALLED HOW TO AUDITION, WHICH

THEN I MET A GUY WHO HAD A CLASS
CALLED HOW TO AUDITION, WHICH
WAS DEFINITELY A SCAM.

CALLED HOW TO AUDITION, WHICH
WAS DEFINITELY A SCAM.
HE HAD ME READ A SCENE, AND

WAS DEFINITELY A SCAM.
HE HAD ME READ A SCENE, AND
THERE WAS THIS LINE, I BEG YOUR

HE HAD ME READ A SCENE, AND
THERE WAS THIS LINE, I BEG YOUR
PARDON.

THERE WAS THIS LINE, I BEG YOUR
PARDON.
BUT I HAD NEVER SEEN OR HEARD

PARDON.
BUT I HAD NEVER SEEN OR HEARD
THAT PHRASE, SO I THOUGHT THIS

BUT I HAD NEVER SEEN OR HEARD
THAT PHRASE, SO I THOUGHT THIS
CHARACTER WAS LITERALLY BEGGING.

THAT PHRASE, SO I THOUGHT THIS
CHARACTER WAS LITERALLY BEGGING.
SO WHEN I DID THE LINE, I SAID,

CHARACTER WAS LITERALLY BEGGING.
SO WHEN I DID THE LINE, I SAID,
I BEG YOUR PARDON!

SO WHEN I DID THE LINE, I SAID,
I BEG YOUR PARDON!
GIVE IT TO ME!

I BEG YOUR PARDON!
GIVE IT TO ME!
THEN SOMEONE ELSE IN THE CLASS

GIVE IT TO ME!
THEN SOMEONE ELSE IN THE CLASS
READ THE LINE, AND I WAS LIKE,

THEN SOMEONE ELSE IN THE CLASS
READ THE LINE, AND I WAS LIKE,
OH, CAN I TRY AGAIN?

READ THE LINE, AND I WAS LIKE,
OH, CAN I TRY AGAIN?
THIS HAS BEEN A MAGICAL YEAR.

OH, CAN I TRY AGAIN?
THIS HAS BEEN A MAGICAL YEAR.
NOT ONLY I WAS NOMINATED FOR AN

THIS HAS BEEN A MAGICAL YEAR.
NOT ONLY I WAS NOMINATED FOR AN
OSCAR --

NOT ONLY I WAS NOMINATED FOR AN
OSCAR --
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

OSCAR --
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
BUT IN THREE WEEKS, I'M GOING

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
BUT IN THREE WEEKS, I'M GOING
OFFICIALLY BECOME AN AMERICAN

BUT IN THREE WEEKS, I'M GOING
OFFICIALLY BECOME AN AMERICAN
CITIZEN.

OFFICIALLY BECOME AN AMERICAN
CITIZEN.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

CITIZEN.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
I AM PROUD TO BECOME A CITIZEN

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
I AM PROUD TO BECOME A CITIZEN
BECAUSE WHEN I MOVED HERE,

I AM PROUD TO BECOME A CITIZEN
BECAUSE WHEN I MOVED HERE,
EVERYONE WAS SO WELCOMING.

BECAUSE WHEN I MOVED HERE,
EVERYONE WAS SO WELCOMING.
WHEN I DID MY FIRST MOVIE IN THE

EVERYONE WAS SO WELCOMING.
WHEN I DID MY FIRST MOVIE IN THE
U.S. CALLED HANDS OF STONE, I

WHEN I DID MY FIRST MOVIE IN THE
U.S. CALLED HANDS OF STONE, I
GOT TO WORK WITH ROBERT DE NIRO,

U.S. CALLED HANDS OF STONE, I
GOT TO WORK WITH ROBERT DE NIRO,
AND ONE DAY ON SET, HE SAID HE

GOT TO WORK WITH ROBERT DE NIRO,
AND ONE DAY ON SET, HE SAID HE
WAS GOING TO CUBA SOON, AND IF I

AND ONE DAY ON SET, HE SAID HE
WAS GOING TO CUBA SOON, AND IF I
DO, I'LL SAY HELLO TO YOUR

WAS GOING TO CUBA SOON, AND IF I
DO, I'LL SAY HELLO TO YOUR
FAMILY.

DO, I'LL SAY HELLO TO YOUR
FAMILY.
HE ASKED ME FOR THEIR PHONE

FAMILY.
HE ASKED ME FOR THEIR PHONE
NUMBER.

HE ASKED ME FOR THEIR PHONE
NUMBER.
I COMPLETELY FORGOT ABOUT IT,

NUMBER.
I COMPLETELY FORGOT ABOUT IT,
AND ONE DAY I GET A PHONE CALL

I COMPLETELY FORGOT ABOUT IT,
AND ONE DAY I GET A PHONE CALL
FROM MY DAD, HE'S HYSTERICAL,

AND ONE DAY I GET A PHONE CALL
FROM MY DAD, HE'S HYSTERICAL,
AND I GO, DAD, WHAT'S WRONG, AND

FROM MY DAD, HE'S HYSTERICAL,
AND I GO, DAD, WHAT'S WRONG, AND
HE GOES, ROBERT DE NIRO JUST

AND I GO, DAD, WHAT'S WRONG, AND
HE GOES, ROBERT DE NIRO JUST
CAME TO VISIT ME AT WORK.

HE GOES, ROBERT DE NIRO JUST
CAME TO VISIT ME AT WORK.
THAT WAS SUCH A KIND GESTURE,

CAME TO VISIT ME AT WORK.
THAT WAS SUCH A KIND GESTURE,
AND I HAVE BEEN SO FORTUNATE TO

THAT WAS SUCH A KIND GESTURE,
AND I HAVE BEEN SO FORTUNATE TO
WORK WITH SO MANY WONDERFUL

AND I HAVE BEEN SO FORTUNATE TO
WORK WITH SO MANY WONDERFUL
ACTORS.

WORK WITH SO MANY WONDERFUL
ACTORS.
MY DAD WAS SO PROUD OF ME, AND

ACTORS.
MY DAD WAS SO PROUD OF ME, AND
HE WOULD BE PROUD TO SEE ME

MY DAD WAS SO PROUD OF ME, AND
HE WOULD BE PROUD TO SEE ME
TODAY STANDING ON THIS STAGE.

HE WOULD BE PROUD TO SEE ME
TODAY STANDING ON THIS STAGE.
I FEEL VERY LUCKY TO BE HERE.

TODAY STANDING ON THIS STAGE.
I FEEL VERY LUCKY TO BE HERE.
I REMEMBER THE FIRST TIME MY

I FEEL VERY LUCKY TO BE HERE.
I REMEMBER THE FIRST TIME MY
NAME WAS IN THE NEW YORK CROSS

I REMEMBER THE FIRST TIME MY
NAME WAS IN THE NEW YORK CROSS
WORD.

NAME WAS IN THE NEW YORK CROSS
WORD.
EVERYONE TEXTED ME, AND THEY

WORD.
EVERYONE TEXTED ME, AND THEY
SAID, YOU MADE IT.

EVERYONE TEXTED ME, AND THEY
SAID, YOU MADE IT.
AND I THOUGHT I DID.

SAID, YOU MADE IT.
AND I THOUGHT I DID.
BUT THEN, A COUPLE MONTHS AGO,

AND I THOUGHT I DID.
BUT THEN, A COUPLE MONTHS AGO,
SNL CALLED ME AND SAID, ANA, WE

BUT THEN, A COUPLE MONTHS AGO,
SNL CALLED ME AND SAID, ANA, WE
WANT YOU TO HOST.

SNL CALLED ME AND SAID, ANA, WE
WANT YOU TO HOST.
AND I WAS SO SHOCKED AND EXCITED

WANT YOU TO HOST.
AND I WAS SO SHOCKED AND EXCITED
THAT ALL I COULD SAY WAS -- I

AND I WAS SO SHOCKED AND EXCITED
THAT ALL I COULD SAY WAS -- I
BEG YOUR PARDON!

THAT ALL I COULD SAY WAS -- I
BEG YOUR PARDON!
WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU

BEG YOUR PARDON!
WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT.

WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT.
KAROL G IS HERE.

TONIGHT.
KAROL G IS HERE.
STICK AROUND.

KAROL G IS HERE.
STICK AROUND.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

>>> TWO TEAMS, $1 MILLION.
HERE IN THE DOME.
>> GOOD EVENING.

HERE IN THE DOME.
>> GOOD EVENING.
GOOD EVENING.

>> GOOD EVENING.
GOOD EVENING.
I'M TED CONLEY, AND THIS IS THE

GOOD EVENING.
I'M TED CONLEY, AND THIS IS THE
DOME.

I'M TED CONLEY, AND THIS IS THE
DOME.
NOW LET'S MEET THE TEAMS VYING

DOME.
NOW LET'S MEET THE TEAMS VYING
FOR A CHANCE AT THE $1 MILLION

NOW LET'S MEET THE TEAMS VYING
FOR A CHANCE AT THE $1 MILLION
PRIZE.

FOR A CHANCE AT THE $1 MILLION
PRIZE.
TEAM ONE, INTRODUCE YOURSELVES.

PRIZE.
TEAM ONE, INTRODUCE YOURSELVES.
>> I'M BETH AND THIS IS MY

TEAM ONE, INTRODUCE YOURSELVES.
>> I'M BETH AND THIS IS MY
BROTHER-IN-LAW, ROB.

>> I'M BETH AND THIS IS MY
BROTHER-IN-LAW, ROB.
>> PROOF THAT IN-LAWS CAN GET

BROTHER-IN-LAW, ROB.
>> PROOF THAT IN-LAWS CAN GET
ALONG.

>> PROOF THAT IN-LAWS CAN GET
ALONG.
WE'RE HAVING FUN.

ALONG.
WE'RE HAVING FUN.
OKAY.

WE'RE HAVING FUN.
OKAY.
WHO DO WE HAVE ON TEAM TWO?

OKAY.
WHO DO WE HAVE ON TEAM TWO?
>> I'M CARMEN, AND THIS IS MY

WHO DO WE HAVE ON TEAM TWO?
>> I'M CARMEN, AND THIS IS MY
HUSBAND MATT.

>> I'M CARMEN, AND THIS IS MY
HUSBAND MATT.
>> ALL RIGHT.

HUSBAND MATT.
>> ALL RIGHT.
CARMEN AND HER COUSIN MATT.

>> ALL RIGHT.
CARMEN AND HER COUSIN MATT.
OKAY.

CARMEN AND HER COUSIN MATT.
OKAY.
>> NO, NO.

OKAY.
>> NO, NO.
MATT'S MY HUSBAND.

>> NO, NO.
MATT'S MY HUSBAND.
>> I'M SORRY.

MATT'S MY HUSBAND.
>> I'M SORRY.
I HAVE A BAD EAR FOR ACCENTS.

>> I'M SORRY.
I HAVE A BAD EAR FOR ACCENTS.
SOUNDS LIKE YOU SAID THAT MATT'S

I HAVE A BAD EAR FOR ACCENTS.
SOUNDS LIKE YOU SAID THAT MATT'S
YOUR HUSBAND.

SOUNDS LIKE YOU SAID THAT MATT'S
YOUR HUSBAND.
>> I DID.

YOUR HUSBAND.
>> I DID.
WE'RE MARRIED.

>> I DID.
WE'RE MARRIED.
>> UH-HUH.

WE'RE MARRIED.
>> UH-HUH.
>> TO EACH OTHER?

>> UH-HUH.
>> TO EACH OTHER?
>> YEPERONI.

>> TO EACH OTHER?
>> YEPERONI.
>> OKAY.

>> YEPERONI.
>> OKAY.
SO, LET ME JUST CLARIFY WHAT'S

>> OKAY.
SO, LET ME JUST CLARIFY WHAT'S
GOING ON HERE.

SO, LET ME JUST CLARIFY WHAT'S
GOING ON HERE.
SO YOU, WHO ARE YOU, ARE MARRIED

GOING ON HERE.
SO YOU, WHO ARE YOU, ARE MARRIED
TO HE, WHO IS HIM?

SO YOU, WHO ARE YOU, ARE MARRIED
TO HE, WHO IS HIM?
>> YEP.

TO HE, WHO IS HIM?
>> YEP.
WE ARE MR. AND MRS. MATTHEW

>> YEP.
WE ARE MR. AND MRS. MATTHEW
PATRICK SCHATT.

WE ARE MR. AND MRS. MATTHEW
PATRICK SCHATT.
>> YOUR NAME IS MATT PAT SCHATT?

PATRICK SCHATT.
>> YOUR NAME IS MATT PAT SCHATT?
>> YES, SIR.

>> YOUR NAME IS MATT PAT SCHATT?
>> YES, SIR.
IS THAT OKAY?

>> YES, SIR.
IS THAT OKAY?
>> NOT REALLY.

IS THAT OKAY?
>> NOT REALLY.
NOW, I GOT TO ASK, WHY ARE YOU

>> NOT REALLY.
NOW, I GOT TO ASK, WHY ARE YOU
ON THE SHOW WHEN YOU ARE

NOW, I GOT TO ASK, WHY ARE YOU
ON THE SHOW WHEN YOU ARE
OBVIOUSLY EXTREMELY WEALTHY?

ON THE SHOW WHEN YOU ARE
OBVIOUSLY EXTREMELY WEALTHY?
>> OH, NO, I AM NOT WEALTHY.

OBVIOUSLY EXTREMELY WEALTHY?
>> OH, NO, I AM NOT WEALTHY.
>> WELL, THEN, WHY IS SHE WITH

>> OH, NO, I AM NOT WEALTHY.
>> WELL, THEN, WHY IS SHE WITH
YOU?

>> WELL, THEN, WHY IS SHE WITH
YOU?
>> ISN'T IT OBVIOUS?

YOU?
>> ISN'T IT OBVIOUS?
>> NO!

>> ISN'T IT OBVIOUS?
>> NO!
OH, MAN, I GOT TO CALM DOWN.

>> NO!
OH, MAN, I GOT TO CALM DOWN.
I GOTS TO CALM DOWN.

OH, MAN, I GOT TO CALM DOWN.
I GOTS TO CALM DOWN.
IF YOU'RE NOT RICH, WHAT DO YOU

I GOTS TO CALM DOWN.
IF YOU'RE NOT RICH, WHAT DO YOU
DO FOR A LIVING?

IF YOU'RE NOT RICH, WHAT DO YOU
DO FOR A LIVING?
>> I DANCE WITH THE SAN

DO FOR A LIVING?
>> I DANCE WITH THE SAN
FRANCISCO BALLET, AND MATT WORKS

>> I DANCE WITH THE SAN
FRANCISCO BALLET, AND MATT WORKS
IN THE FOOD INDUSTRY.

FRANCISCO BALLET, AND MATT WORKS
IN THE FOOD INDUSTRY.
>> OH, SO YOU'RE A CHEF?

IN THE FOOD INDUSTRY.
>> OH, SO YOU'RE A CHEF?
>> NO.

>> OH, SO YOU'RE A CHEF?
>> NO.
I'M A TASTE TESTER AT PURINA DOG

>> NO.
I'M A TASTE TESTER AT PURINA DOG
CHOW.

I'M A TASTE TESTER AT PURINA DOG
CHOW.
>> HE TRIES NEW DOG FOODS TO

CHOW.
>> HE TRIES NEW DOG FOODS TO
TELL THEM IF IT'S TOO, LIKE,

>> HE TRIES NEW DOG FOODS TO
TELL THEM IF IT'S TOO, LIKE,
SPICY.

TELL THEM IF IT'S TOO, LIKE,
SPICY.
YOU KNOW, BECAUSE THE DOGS CAN

SPICY.
YOU KNOW, BECAUSE THE DOGS CAN
TALK.

YOU KNOW, BECAUSE THE DOGS CAN
TALK.
>> SO YOU EAT DOG FOOD FOR

TALK.
>> SO YOU EAT DOG FOOD FOR
MONEY?

>> SO YOU EAT DOG FOOD FOR
MONEY?
>> SOME DAY, HOPEFULLY.

MONEY?
>> SOME DAY, HOPEFULLY.
IT'S VOLUNTEER RIGHT NOW, BUT

>> SOME DAY, HOPEFULLY.
IT'S VOLUNTEER RIGHT NOW, BUT
FINGERS CROSSED IT TURNS INTO A

IT'S VOLUNTEER RIGHT NOW, BUT
FINGERS CROSSED IT TURNS INTO A
PAID GIG SOON.

FINGERS CROSSED IT TURNS INTO A
PAID GIG SOON.
>> YOU EAT THE DOG FOOD FOR

PAID GIG SOON.
>> YOU EAT THE DOG FOOD FOR
FREE?

>> YOU EAT THE DOG FOOD FOR
FREE?
OH, MY GOD.

FREE?
OH, MY GOD.
I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS.

OH, MY GOD.
I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT'S GOING

I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT'S GOING
ON.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT'S GOING
ON.
THIS DUDE HAS OBVIOUSLY GOT THE

ON.
THIS DUDE HAS OBVIOUSLY GOT THE
BADDEST BITCH I EVER SEEN, AND

THIS DUDE HAS OBVIOUSLY GOT THE
BADDEST BITCH I EVER SEEN, AND
WHAT IS HAPPENING?

BADDEST BITCH I EVER SEEN, AND
WHAT IS HAPPENING?
SORRY, EVERYBODY.

WHAT IS HAPPENING?
SORRY, EVERYBODY.
I JUST HAD A STROKE.

SORRY, EVERYBODY.
I JUST HAD A STROKE.
ALL RIGHT.

I JUST HAD A STROKE.
ALL RIGHT.
LET'S GET BACK TO IT.

ALL RIGHT.
LET'S GET BACK TO IT.
JUST TRY TO FIGURE OUT HOW THIS

LET'S GET BACK TO IT.
JUST TRY TO FIGURE OUT HOW THIS
ABSOLUTE DIME IS MARRIED TO MATT

JUST TRY TO FIGURE OUT HOW THIS
ABSOLUTE DIME IS MARRIED TO MATT
SCHATT.

ABSOLUTE DIME IS MARRIED TO MATT
SCHATT.
OH, BETH, YOU GOT AN ANSWER?

SCHATT.
OH, BETH, YOU GOT AN ANSWER?
>> I THINK I DO.

OH, BETH, YOU GOT AN ANSWER?
>> I THINK I DO.
HE OBVIOUSLY GAVE HER A KIDNEY

>> I THINK I DO.
HE OBVIOUSLY GAVE HER A KIDNEY
AND SAVED HER LIFE.

HE OBVIOUSLY GAVE HER A KIDNEY
AND SAVED HER LIFE.
>> HE DIDN'T GIVE ME A KIDNEY.

AND SAVED HER LIFE.
>> HE DIDN'T GIVE ME A KIDNEY.
>> ROB, CHANCE TO STEAL.

>> HE DIDN'T GIVE ME A KIDNEY.
>> ROB, CHANCE TO STEAL.
>> HE'S A HANGING EIGHT BUT A

>> ROB, CHANCE TO STEAL.
>> HE'S A HANGING EIGHT BUT A
STANDING 12?

>> HE'S A HANGING EIGHT BUT A
STANDING 12?
>> NO.

STANDING 12?
>> NO.
AND FYI, HE'S HANGING FIVE AND

>> NO.
AND FYI, HE'S HANGING FIVE AND
WHEN HE STANDS IT'S A FOUR.

AND FYI, HE'S HANGING FIVE AND
WHEN HE STANDS IT'S A FOUR.
>> SO WHEN HE GETS EXCITED IT

WHEN HE STANDS IT'S A FOUR.
>> SO WHEN HE GETS EXCITED IT
GETS SMALLER?

>> SO WHEN HE GETS EXCITED IT
GETS SMALLER?
>> THAT'S RIGHT.

GETS SMALLER?
>> THAT'S RIGHT.
ONE OF THOSE THINGS.

>> THAT'S RIGHT.
ONE OF THOSE THINGS.
>> I'M BUZZING IN ON THIS ONE.

ONE OF THOSE THINGS.
>> I'M BUZZING IN ON THIS ONE.
HERE'S WHAT I THINK, SHE

>> I'M BUZZING IN ON THIS ONE.
HERE'S WHAT I THINK, SHE
HYPNOTIZED.

HERE'S WHAT I THINK, SHE
HYPNOTIZED.
>> YOU'RE ALL SOUNDING CRAZY.

HYPNOTIZED.
>> YOU'RE ALL SOUNDING CRAZY.
LOOK AT MY HUSBAND.

>> YOU'RE ALL SOUNDING CRAZY.
LOOK AT MY HUSBAND.
I THINK IT'S OBVIOUS WHY I'M

LOOK AT MY HUSBAND.
I THINK IT'S OBVIOUS WHY I'M
WITH HIM.

I THINK IT'S OBVIOUS WHY I'M
WITH HIM.
>> THE JUDGES SAY NO.

WITH HIM.
>> THE JUDGES SAY NO.
>> I'M SORRY.

>> THE JUDGES SAY NO.
>> I'M SORRY.
CAN WE PLAY THE GAME NOW OR --

>> I'M SORRY.
CAN WE PLAY THE GAME NOW OR --
>> OF COURSE, OF COURSE.

CAN WE PLAY THE GAME NOW OR --
>> OF COURSE, OF COURSE.
I'M SORRY.

>> OF COURSE, OF COURSE.
I'M SORRY.
MATT AND CARMEN, YOU WON THE

I'M SORRY.
MATT AND CARMEN, YOU WON THE
COIN TOSS BACKSTAGE, SO THE

MATT AND CARMEN, YOU WON THE
COIN TOSS BACKSTAGE, SO THE
FIRST QUESTION GOES TO YOU.

COIN TOSS BACKSTAGE, SO THE
FIRST QUESTION GOES TO YOU.
>> OH, MY GOSH.

FIRST QUESTION GOES TO YOU.
>> OH, MY GOSH.
I'M SO NERVOUS.

>> OH, MY GOSH.
I'M SO NERVOUS.
I'M LIKE ALREADY SWEATING.

I'M SO NERVOUS.
I'M LIKE ALREADY SWEATING.
ONE SECOND.

I'M LIKE ALREADY SWEATING.
ONE SECOND.
>> FREEZE.

ONE SECOND.
>> FREEZE.
ZOOM IN ON THIS.

>> FREEZE.
ZOOM IN ON THIS.
>> WHAT?

ZOOM IN ON THIS.
>> WHAT?
>> WHAT IN THE HECK?

>> WHAT?
>> WHAT IN THE HECK?
MATT PAT SCHATT HAS GOT A

>> WHAT IN THE HECK?
MATT PAT SCHATT HAS GOT A
GRIFFIN NIPPLES.

MATT PAT SCHATT HAS GOT A
GRIFFIN NIPPLES.
LOOK AT ALL OF THESE.

GRIFFIN NIPPLES.
LOOK AT ALL OF THESE.
EWW.

LOOK AT ALL OF THESE.
EWW.
>> YEAH.

EWW.
>> YEAH.
EVERY COUPLE OF YEARS, A NEW ONE

>> YEAH.
EVERY COUPLE OF YEARS, A NEW ONE
POPS UP.

EVERY COUPLE OF YEARS, A NEW ONE
POPS UP.
JUST ANOTHER ONE OF THOSE

POPS UP.
JUST ANOTHER ONE OF THOSE
THINGS.

JUST ANOTHER ONE OF THOSE
THINGS.
>> BABE, PUT YOUR SHIRT DOWN.

THINGS.
>> BABE, PUT YOUR SHIRT DOWN.
I'M GOING TO GET TOO EXCITED.

>> BABE, PUT YOUR SHIRT DOWN.
I'M GOING TO GET TOO EXCITED.
>> BUT WHY, THOUGH?

I'M GOING TO GET TOO EXCITED.
>> BUT WHY, THOUGH?
I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT.

>> BUT WHY, THOUGH?
I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT.
LET'S JUST TAKE A BREAK WHILE I

I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT.
LET'S JUST TAKE A BREAK WHILE I
HAVE ANOTHER STROKE.

LET'S JUST TAKE A BREAK WHILE I
HAVE ANOTHER STROKE.
BECAUSE I DON'T UNDERSTAND

HAVE ANOTHER STROKE.
BECAUSE I DON'T UNDERSTAND
WHAT'S GOING ON.

BECAUSE I DON'T UNDERSTAND
WHAT'S GOING ON.
SHE BAD.

WHAT'S GOING ON.
SHE BAD.
RIGHT?

SHE BAD.
RIGHT?
>> PEOPLE CAN'T STOP TALKING

RIGHT?
>> PEOPLE CAN'T STOP TALKING
ABOUT THE TRAILER FOR THE NEW

>> PEOPLE CAN'T STOP TALKING
ABOUT THE TRAILER FOR THE NEW
BARBIE MOVIE, BUT NOT ALL DOLLS

ABOUT THE TRAILER FOR THE NEW
BARBIE MOVIE, BUT NOT ALL DOLLS
LIVE IN A DREAM HOUSE.

BARBIE MOVIE, BUT NOT ALL DOLLS
LIVE IN A DREAM HOUSE.
SOME ARE BIGGER, YOUNGER,

LIVE IN A DREAM HOUSE.
SOME ARE BIGGER, YOUNGER,
SADDER.

SOME ARE BIGGER, YOUNGER,
SADDER.
SOME DOLLS ARE AMERICAN GIRLS.

SADDER.
SOME DOLLS ARE AMERICAN GIRLS.
>> HI, KIRSTEN.

SOME DOLLS ARE AMERICAN GIRLS.
>> HI, KIRSTEN.
>> HI MOLLY.

>> HI, KIRSTEN.
>> HI MOLLY.
>> HI SAMANTHA.

>> HI MOLLY.
>> HI SAMANTHA.
>> AND I'M ADDY.

>> HI SAMANTHA.
>> AND I'M ADDY.
NO ONE SAID HI TO ME.

>> AND I'M ADDY.
NO ONE SAID HI TO ME.
>> THIS SUMMER, A NEW LIVE

NO ONE SAID HI TO ME.
>> THIS SUMMER, A NEW LIVE
ACTION STORY ABOUT YOUR FAVORITE

>> THIS SUMMER, A NEW LIVE
ACTION STORY ABOUT YOUR FAVORITE
HISTORICALLY ACCURATE DOLLS,

ACTION STORY ABOUT YOUR FAVORITE
HISTORICALLY ACCURATE DOLLS,
EACH WITH THEIR OWN BACK STORY.

HISTORICALLY ACCURATE DOLLS,
EACH WITH THEIR OWN BACK STORY.
>> I'M FROM VICTORIAN TIMES.

EACH WITH THEIR OWN BACK STORY.
>> I'M FROM VICTORIAN TIMES.
I WATCHED MY PARENTS DIE IN A

>> I'M FROM VICTORIAN TIMES.
I WATCHED MY PARENTS DIE IN A
BOAT.

I WATCHED MY PARENTS DIE IN A
BOAT.
>> THAT'S OKAY.

BOAT.
>> THAT'S OKAY.
MY DADDY'S A PRISONER OF WAR,

>> THAT'S OKAY.
MY DADDY'S A PRISONER OF WAR,
AND TRAGICALLY, I HAVE GLASSES.

MY DADDY'S A PRISONER OF WAR,
AND TRAGICALLY, I HAVE GLASSES.
>> THAT'S OKAY.

AND TRAGICALLY, I HAVE GLASSES.
>> THAT'S OKAY.
MY MAMA IS DEAD.

>> THAT'S OKAY.
MY MAMA IS DEAD.
>> THAT'S OKAY.

MY MAMA IS DEAD.
>> THAT'S OKAY.
I DON'T KNOW MY BIRTHDAY BECAUSE

>> THAT'S OKAY.
I DON'T KNOW MY BIRTHDAY BECAUSE
I'M A RUN AWAY SLAVE.

I DON'T KNOW MY BIRTHDAY BECAUSE
I'M A RUN AWAY SLAVE.
>> LET'S PLAY.

I'M A RUN AWAY SLAVE.
>> LET'S PLAY.
>> YEA!

>> LET'S PLAY.
>> YEA!
>> DO THEY HAVE PINK CORVETTES?

>> YEA!
>> DO THEY HAVE PINK CORVETTES?
NOPE, BOYFRIENDS, NO WAY.

>> DO THEY HAVE PINK CORVETTES?
NOPE, BOYFRIENDS, NO WAY.
DID ALL THEIR FAMILY MEMBERS DIE

NOPE, BOYFRIENDS, NO WAY.
DID ALL THEIR FAMILY MEMBERS DIE
OF VAGUE OLD-TIMEY DISEASES?

DID ALL THEIR FAMILY MEMBERS DIE
OF VAGUE OLD-TIMEY DISEASES?
ABSOLUTELY.

OF VAGUE OLD-TIMEY DISEASES?
ABSOLUTELY.
>> FASHION SHOW.

ABSOLUTELY.
>> FASHION SHOW.
>> COME FOR THE FUN, STAY FOR

>> FASHION SHOW.
>> COME FOR THE FUN, STAY FOR
THE OVERBURDENED PRETEENS

>> COME FOR THE FUN, STAY FOR
THE OVERBURDENED PRETEENS
WEARING FOUR LAYERS OF COATS AND

THE OVERBURDENED PRETEENS
WEARING FOUR LAYERS OF COATS AND
PANTALOONS.

WEARING FOUR LAYERS OF COATS AND
PANTALOONS.
>> WHAT'S WRONG?

PANTALOONS.
>> WHAT'S WRONG?
YOU'VE BARELY TOUCHED YOUR TEA.

>> WHAT'S WRONG?
YOU'VE BARELY TOUCHED YOUR TEA.
>> THE MEMORY OF MY MAMA IS

YOU'VE BARELY TOUCHED YOUR TEA.
>> THE MEMORY OF MY MAMA IS
SLIPPING AWAY.

>> THE MEMORY OF MY MAMA IS
SLIPPING AWAY.
LOOK WHAT I CAN DO.

SLIPPING AWAY.
LOOK WHAT I CAN DO.
>> THAT'S OKAY.

LOOK WHAT I CAN DO.
>> THAT'S OKAY.
>> YEAH.

>> THAT'S OKAY.
>> YEAH.
>> AUDIENCES ARE RAVING.

>> YEAH.
>> AUDIENCES ARE RAVING.
WE LOVED IT, SAYS GIRLS WHO

>> AUDIENCES ARE RAVING.
WE LOVED IT, SAYS GIRLS WHO
PLAYED SOCCER MAGAZINE.

WE LOVED IT, SAYS GIRLS WHO
PLAYED SOCCER MAGAZINE.
THE NEW YORK TIMES WRITES, THESE

PLAYED SOCCER MAGAZINE.
THE NEW YORK TIMES WRITES, THESE
LITTLE GIRLS ARE GOING THROUGH

THE NEW YORK TIMES WRITES, THESE
LITTLE GIRLS ARE GOING THROUGH
TOO MUCH.

LITTLE GIRLS ARE GOING THROUGH
TOO MUCH.
>> WHAT DO YOU SAY, GIRLS,

TOO MUCH.
>> WHAT DO YOU SAY, GIRLS,
SHOULD WE HAVE A SLEEPOVER

>> WHAT DO YOU SAY, GIRLS,
SHOULD WE HAVE A SLEEPOVER
TONIGHT?

SHOULD WE HAVE A SLEEPOVER
TONIGHT?
>> YEA.

TONIGHT?
>> YEA.
>> WHAT ABOUT YOU, ADDY?

>> YEA.
>> WHAT ABOUT YOU, ADDY?
>> I'M GOOD.

>> WHAT ABOUT YOU, ADDY?
>> I'M GOOD.
I DON'T TRUST NONE OF Y'ALL.

>> I'M GOOD.
I DON'T TRUST NONE OF Y'ALL.
>> WATCH AS THE AMERICAN GIRLS

I DON'T TRUST NONE OF Y'ALL.
>> WATCH AS THE AMERICAN GIRLS
TRAVEL ON A JOURNEY FROM

>> WATCH AS THE AMERICAN GIRLS
TRAVEL ON A JOURNEY FROM
AMERICAN GIRL LAND TO THE MODERN

TRAVEL ON A JOURNEY FROM
AMERICAN GIRL LAND TO THE MODERN
WORLD.

AMERICAN GIRL LAND TO THE MODERN
WORLD.
>> I'M GOING TO STOP WORLD WAR

WORLD.
>> I'M GOING TO STOP WORLD WAR
II.

>> I'M GOING TO STOP WORLD WAR
II.
>> AND I'M GOING TO STOP THE

II.
>> AND I'M GOING TO STOP THE
SPANISH AMERICAN WAR.

>> AND I'M GOING TO STOP THE
SPANISH AMERICAN WAR.
>> AND I'M GOING TO END CHOLERA.

SPANISH AMERICAN WAR.
>> AND I'M GOING TO END CHOLERA.
>> THAT'S OKAY.

>> AND I'M GOING TO END CHOLERA.
>> THAT'S OKAY.
>>> WHAT'S UP, Y'ALL.

>> THAT'S OKAY.
>>> WHAT'S UP, Y'ALL.
MY NAME IS YOUNG SPICY, AND I'M

>>> WHAT'S UP, Y'ALL.
MY NAME IS YOUNG SPICY, AND I'M
A PRODUCER.

MY NAME IS YOUNG SPICY, AND I'M
A PRODUCER.
I'M ABOUT TO RELEASE MY FIRST

A PRODUCER.
I'M ABOUT TO RELEASE MY FIRST
ALBUM.

I'M ABOUT TO RELEASE MY FIRST
ALBUM.
JALAPENO JONES.

ALBUM.
JALAPENO JONES.
>> THANKS FOR HELPING US OUT

JALAPENO JONES.
>> THANKS FOR HELPING US OUT
TODAY.

>> THANKS FOR HELPING US OUT
TODAY.
>> HOW Y'ALL DOING?

TODAY.
>> HOW Y'ALL DOING?
>> WHAT'S GOOD, SPICY?

>> HOW Y'ALL DOING?
>> WHAT'S GOOD, SPICY?
>> WE JUST LOOKING FOR A NEW

>> WHAT'S GOOD, SPICY?
>> WE JUST LOOKING FOR A NEW
PRODUCER TAG FOR MY BEATS,

>> WE JUST LOOKING FOR A NEW
PRODUCER TAG FOR MY BEATS,
SOMETHING SEXY AND COOL.

PRODUCER TAG FOR MY BEATS,
SOMETHING SEXY AND COOL.
>> FOR EXAMPLE, SOMETHING LIKE,

SOMETHING SEXY AND COOL.
>> FOR EXAMPLE, SOMETHING LIKE,
MAKE THAT MUSIC.

>> FOR EXAMPLE, SOMETHING LIKE,
MAKE THAT MUSIC.
>> AND WE'VE HEARD YOU HAVE SOME

MAKE THAT MUSIC.
>> AND WE'VE HEARD YOU HAVE SOME
BEAUTIFUL VOICES, SO WE NEED TO

>> AND WE'VE HEARD YOU HAVE SOME
BEAUTIFUL VOICES, SO WE NEED TO
HEAR YOU SAY SOMETHING LIKE,

BEAUTIFUL VOICES, SO WE NEED TO
HEAR YOU SAY SOMETHING LIKE,
YOUNG SPICY SO FUEGO.

HEAR YOU SAY SOMETHING LIKE,
YOUNG SPICY SO FUEGO.
>> WE CAN DO THAT.

YOUNG SPICY SO FUEGO.
>> WE CAN DO THAT.
>> WE GOT YOU, MR. SPICY.

>> WE CAN DO THAT.
>> WE GOT YOU, MR. SPICY.
>> I'M GOING TO START THE BEAT,

>> WE GOT YOU, MR. SPICY.
>> I'M GOING TO START THE BEAT,
YOU TWO TAKE IT AWAY, AND WE'LL

>> I'M GOING TO START THE BEAT,
YOU TWO TAKE IT AWAY, AND WE'LL
GET SOME LUNCH.

YOU TWO TAKE IT AWAY, AND WE'LL
GET SOME LUNCH.
>> WE'LL GIVE YOU SOME OPTIONS.

GET SOME LUNCH.
>> WE'LL GIVE YOU SOME OPTIONS.
YOUNG SPICY GOT THAT FIRE.

>> WE'LL GIVE YOU SOME OPTIONS.
YOUNG SPICY GOT THAT FIRE.
>> YOUNG SPICY'S FLAMING HOT.

YOUNG SPICY GOT THAT FIRE.
>> YOUNG SPICY'S FLAMING HOT.
>> EXACTLY LIKE THAT.

>> YOUNG SPICY'S FLAMING HOT.
>> EXACTLY LIKE THAT.
KEEP THAT GOING.

>> EXACTLY LIKE THAT.
KEEP THAT GOING.
>> OOH, YOUNG SPICY, YOU STUPID.

KEEP THAT GOING.
>> OOH, YOUNG SPICY, YOU STUPID.
>> OOH, SPICY CAN'T READ.

>> OOH, YOUNG SPICY, YOU STUPID.
>> OOH, SPICY CAN'T READ.
>> DAMN, SPICY, YOU ILLITERATE.

>> OOH, SPICY CAN'T READ.
>> DAMN, SPICY, YOU ILLITERATE.
>> OKAY.

>> DAMN, SPICY, YOU ILLITERATE.
>> OKAY.
I LOVE IT.

>> OKAY.
I LOVE IT.
BUT JUST FYI, I CAN READ.

I LOVE IT.
BUT JUST FYI, I CAN READ.
I'M A READER.

BUT JUST FYI, I CAN READ.
I'M A READER.
>> OKAY.

I'M A READER.
>> OKAY.
>> ALL RIGHT.

>> OKAY.
>> ALL RIGHT.
WE GOT YOU.

>> ALL RIGHT.
WE GOT YOU.
WE GOT YOU.

WE GOT YOU.
WE GOT YOU.
>> OOH, SPICY CAN READ BUT HAS

WE GOT YOU.
>> OOH, SPICY CAN READ BUT HAS
TROUBLES WITH MATH.

>> OOH, SPICY CAN READ BUT HAS
TROUBLES WITH MATH.
>>LET STOP.

TROUBLES WITH MATH.
>>LET STOP.
>> I THINK WE GOT IT, MAN.

>>LET STOP.
>> I THINK WE GOT IT, MAN.
LET'S GET SOME LUNCH.

>> I THINK WE GOT IT, MAN.
LET'S GET SOME LUNCH.
>> NO LUNCH.

LET'S GET SOME LUNCH.
>> NO LUNCH.
SO Y'ALL REMEMBER THE

>> NO LUNCH.
SO Y'ALL REMEMBER THE
ASSIGNMENT, RIGHT?

SO Y'ALL REMEMBER THE
ASSIGNMENT, RIGHT?
>> WE HEAR YOU.

ASSIGNMENT, RIGHT?
>> WE HEAR YOU.
WE GOOD.

>> WE HEAR YOU.
WE GOOD.
>> WE'RE ARTISTS.

WE GOOD.
>> WE'RE ARTISTS.
WE JUST RESPONDING TO THE VIBES.

>> WE'RE ARTISTS.
WE JUST RESPONDING TO THE VIBES.
>> LET'S DO A DIFFERENT VIBE

WE JUST RESPONDING TO THE VIBES.
>> LET'S DO A DIFFERENT VIBE
THEN.

>> LET'S DO A DIFFERENT VIBE
THEN.
LET'S DO SOMETHING LIKE, TO OH,

THEN.
LET'S DO SOMETHING LIKE, TO OH,
SPICY, THESE BEATS NASTY.

LET'S DO SOMETHING LIKE, TO OH,
SPICY, THESE BEATS NASTY.
>> ALL RIGHT, COOL.

SPICY, THESE BEATS NASTY.
>> ALL RIGHT, COOL.
>> ONE MORE TAKE AND THEN WE ALL

>> ALL RIGHT, COOL.
>> ONE MORE TAKE AND THEN WE ALL
GETTING GYROS.

>> ONE MORE TAKE AND THEN WE ALL
GETTING GYROS.
TZATZIKI SAUCE ON THE SIDE.

GETTING GYROS.
TZATZIKI SAUCE ON THE SIDE.
TAKE TWO.

TZATZIKI SAUCE ON THE SIDE.
TAKE TWO.
>> OH, SPICY, YOU FILTHY FOR

TAKE TWO.
>> OH, SPICY, YOU FILTHY FOR
THIS.

>> OH, SPICY, YOU FILTHY FOR
THIS.
>> LET'S GET A COUPLE MORE LIKE

THIS.
>> LET'S GET A COUPLE MORE LIKE
THAT, YEAH.

>> LET'S GET A COUPLE MORE LIKE
THAT, YEAH.
>> SPICY, WHY YOU SLEEP NEXT TO

THAT, YEAH.
>> SPICY, WHY YOU SLEEP NEXT TO
YOUR LAUNDRY.

>> SPICY, WHY YOU SLEEP NEXT TO
YOUR LAUNDRY.
>> SPICY DON'T WASH HIS PILLOWS.

YOUR LAUNDRY.
>> SPICY DON'T WASH HIS PILLOWS.
HE'S GROSS.

>> SPICY DON'T WASH HIS PILLOWS.
HE'S GROSS.
>> DAMN, SPICY, YOU GOT THAT

HE'S GROSS.
>> DAMN, SPICY, YOU GOT THAT
DARK RING AROUND YOUR TOILET.

>> DAMN, SPICY, YOU GOT THAT
DARK RING AROUND YOUR TOILET.
I'M UNCOMFORTABLE HERE.

DARK RING AROUND YOUR TOILET.
I'M UNCOMFORTABLE HERE.
>> DAMN SPICY, YOU LIKE THAT.

I'M UNCOMFORTABLE HERE.
>> DAMN SPICY, YOU LIKE THAT.
>> STOP.

>> DAMN SPICY, YOU LIKE THAT.
>> STOP.
OKAY, LADIES, I AM BEGGING YOU.

>> STOP.
OKAY, LADIES, I AM BEGGING YOU.
CAN Y'ALL SAY SOMETHING LIKE,

OKAY, LADIES, I AM BEGGING YOU.
CAN Y'ALL SAY SOMETHING LIKE,
OH, THE LADIES LOVE SPICY?

CAN Y'ALL SAY SOMETHING LIKE,
OH, THE LADIES LOVE SPICY?
>> YEAH.

OH, THE LADIES LOVE SPICY?
>> YEAH.
AND AFTER THIS TAKE, I'M GOING

>> YEAH.
AND AFTER THIS TAKE, I'M GOING
TO GET SOME HUMMUS WITH THE PITA

AND AFTER THIS TAKE, I'M GOING
TO GET SOME HUMMUS WITH THE PITA
BREAD.

TO GET SOME HUMMUS WITH THE PITA
BREAD.
>> DAMN, SPICY GETTING

BREAD.
>> DAMN, SPICY GETTING
EVERYTHING PREGNANT.

>> DAMN, SPICY GETTING
EVERYTHING PREGNANT.
>> GETTING CLOSER.

EVERYTHING PREGNANT.
>> GETTING CLOSER.
>> THE BABY'S YOURS FOR SURE.

>> GETTING CLOSER.
>> THE BABY'S YOURS FOR SURE.
>> DAMN, SPICY, MY WATER BROKE.

>> THE BABY'S YOURS FOR SURE.
>> DAMN, SPICY, MY WATER BROKE.
>> DAMN, SPICY, I'M GOING TO

>> DAMN, SPICY, MY WATER BROKE.
>> DAMN, SPICY, I'M GOING TO
NAME THE BABY DELONTE.

>> DAMN, SPICY, I'M GOING TO
NAME THE BABY DELONTE.
>> SPICY, DRIVE ME TO THE

NAME THE BABY DELONTE.
>> SPICY, DRIVE ME TO THE
HOSPITAL IN YOUR 2001 COROLLA.

>> SPICY, DRIVE ME TO THE
HOSPITAL IN YOUR 2001 COROLLA.
>> NO, NO BABY STUFF, AND LEAVE

HOSPITAL IN YOUR 2001 COROLLA.
>> NO, NO BABY STUFF, AND LEAVE
MY COROLLA OUT OF THIS, ALL

>> NO, NO BABY STUFF, AND LEAVE
MY COROLLA OUT OF THIS, ALL
RIGHT?

MY COROLLA OUT OF THIS, ALL
RIGHT?
TALK ABOUT HOW LIKE SPICY GETS

RIGHT?
TALK ABOUT HOW LIKE SPICY GETS
YOU HOT, SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

TALK ABOUT HOW LIKE SPICY GETS
YOU HOT, SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
>> OKAY.

YOU HOT, SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
>> OKAY.
>> DAMN, SPICY GOT ME SWEATING.

>> OKAY.
>> DAMN, SPICY GOT ME SWEATING.
>> YEAH, THANK YOU.

>> DAMN, SPICY GOT ME SWEATING.
>> YEAH, THANK YOU.
>> OH, I DON'T USUALLY SWEAT

>> YEAH, THANK YOU.
>> OH, I DON'T USUALLY SWEAT
LIKE THIS.

>> OH, I DON'T USUALLY SWEAT
LIKE THIS.
I'M SCARED.

LIKE THIS.
I'M SCARED.
>> DAMN, SPICY, WHY THE ROOM

I'M SCARED.
>> DAMN, SPICY, WHY THE ROOM
SPINNING ALL THE SUDDEN?

>> DAMN, SPICY, WHY THE ROOM
SPINNING ALL THE SUDDEN?
>> DAMN, SPICY, ALL I HAD WAS

SPINNING ALL THE SUDDEN?
>> DAMN, SPICY, ALL I HAD WAS
ONE SPRITE.

>> DAMN, SPICY, ALL I HAD WAS
ONE SPRITE.
I SHOULDN'T BE FEELING LIKE

ONE SPRITE.
I SHOULDN'T BE FEELING LIKE
THIS.

I SHOULDN'T BE FEELING LIKE
THIS.
>> OOH, I THINK SPICY PUT

THIS.
>> OOH, I THINK SPICY PUT
SOMETHING IN MY DRINK.

>> OOH, I THINK SPICY PUT
SOMETHING IN MY DRINK.
>> SPICY NEEDS TO BE ON A WATCH

SOMETHING IN MY DRINK.
>> SPICY NEEDS TO BE ON A WATCH
LIST.

>> SPICY NEEDS TO BE ON A WATCH
LIST.
>> CUT THAT.

LIST.
>> CUT THAT.
DELETE THAT, ACTUALLY.

>> CUT THAT.
DELETE THAT, ACTUALLY.
HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT?

DELETE THAT, ACTUALLY.
HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT?
LET'S JUST CALL IT A DAY.

HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT?
LET'S JUST CALL IT A DAY.
I'M GOOD.

LET'S JUST CALL IT A DAY.
I'M GOOD.
>> OKAY.

I'M GOOD.
>> OKAY.
I MEAN, LISTEN --

>> OKAY.
I MEAN, LISTEN --
>> WHATEVER.

I MEAN, LISTEN --
>> WHATEVER.
I MEAN --

>> WHATEVER.
I MEAN --
>> RIGHT?

I MEAN --
>> RIGHT?
COME ON.

>> RIGHT?
COME ON.
>> WE GAVE YOU FUEGO.

COME ON.
>> WE GAVE YOU FUEGO.
>> YOU SHOULD JUST USE THE ONE

>> WE GAVE YOU FUEGO.
>> YOU SHOULD JUST USE THE ONE
ABOUT THE RING AROUND YOUR

>> YOU SHOULD JUST USE THE ONE
ABOUT THE RING AROUND YOUR
TOILET FOR REAL.

ABOUT THE RING AROUND YOUR
TOILET FOR REAL.
>> SPICY, CAN I TRY ONE?

TOILET FOR REAL.
>> SPICY, CAN I TRY ONE?
PLEASE?

>> SPICY, CAN I TRY ONE?
PLEASE?
>> ALL RIGHT.

PLEASE?
>> ALL RIGHT.
>> YEAH, SPICY GOT THAT FIRE.

>> ALL RIGHT.
>> YEAH, SPICY GOT THAT FIRE.
>> I LIKE THAT.

>> YEAH, SPICY GOT THAT FIRE.
>> I LIKE THAT.
>> YEAH, YEAH, SPICY GOT THAT

>> I LIKE THAT.
>> YEAH, YEAH, SPICY GOT THAT
HEAT.

>> YEAH, YEAH, SPICY GOT THAT
HEAT.
>> OKAY.

HEAT.
>> OKAY.
>> SPICY STRUGGLES WITH HIS

>> OKAY.
>> SPICY STRUGGLES WITH HIS
READING.

>> SPICY STRUGGLES WITH HIS
READING.
>> NO!

READING.
>> NO!
>> THAT'S NOT IT?

♪

>>> HOLA, BUENAS TARDES.
COME ON.
[ SPEAKING SPANISH ]

COME ON.
[ SPEAKING SPANISH ]
EXCELENTE.

[ SPEAKING SPANISH ]
EXCELENTE.
BEFORE WE GET STARTED, WHAT DID

EXCELENTE.
BEFORE WE GET STARTED, WHAT DID
EVERYONE DO THIS WEEKEND?

BEFORE WE GET STARTED, WHAT DID
EVERYONE DO THIS WEEKEND?
AND REMEMBER, ANSWER IN ESPANOL.

EVERYONE DO THIS WEEKEND?
AND REMEMBER, ANSWER IN ESPANOL.
>> COMO SE DICE EDIBLES?

AND REMEMBER, ANSWER IN ESPANOL.
>> COMO SE DICE EDIBLES?
>> OKAY.

>> COMO SE DICE EDIBLES?
>> OKAY.
>> MR. McINTOSH?

>> OKAY.
>> MR. McINTOSH?
>> HOLA, PRINCIPAL DAVIDSON,

>> MR. McINTOSH?
>> HOLA, PRINCIPAL DAVIDSON,
COMO ESTAS?

>> HOLA, PRINCIPAL DAVIDSON,
COMO ESTAS?
>> THE NEW TRANSFER STUDENTS ARE

COMO ESTAS?
>> THE NEW TRANSFER STUDENTS ARE
HERE.

>> THE NEW TRANSFER STUDENTS ARE
HERE.
COME ON IN, GUYS.

HERE.
COME ON IN, GUYS.
>> HAVE A SEAT.

COME ON IN, GUYS.
>> HAVE A SEAT.
[ SPEAKING SPANISH ]

>> HAVE A SEAT.
[ SPEAKING SPANISH ]
I'M ASKING YOUR NAMES IN CASE

[ SPEAKING SPANISH ]
I'M ASKING YOUR NAMES IN CASE
>> --

I'M ASKING YOUR NAMES IN CASE
>> --
[ SPEAKING SPANISH ]

>> --
[ SPEAKING SPANISH ]
>> --

[ SPEAKING SPANISH ]
>> --
[ SPEAKING SPANISH ]

>> --
[ SPEAKING SPANISH ]
>> UH-OH.

[ SPEAKING SPANISH ]
>> UH-OH.
A LITTLE FAST.

>> UH-OH.
A LITTLE FAST.
THAT WAS A LITTLE FAST POR ME,

A LITTLE FAST.
THAT WAS A LITTLE FAST POR ME,
VERY COOL.

THAT WAS A LITTLE FAST POR ME,
VERY COOL.
ALL RIGHT.

VERY COOL.
ALL RIGHT.
LET'S GET STARTED.

ALL RIGHT.
LET'S GET STARTED.
TODAY, WE'RE GOING OVER OUR

LET'S GET STARTED.
TODAY, WE'RE GOING OVER OUR
FAVORITE FOODS.

TODAY, WE'RE GOING OVER OUR
FAVORITE FOODS.
OKAY?

FAVORITE FOODS.
OKAY?
SO, RICKY, WHAT IS YOURS?

OKAY?
SO, RICKY, WHAT IS YOURS?
>> MI FAR VRKS ORITA IS PIZZA.

SO, RICKY, WHAT IS YOURS?
>> MI FAR VRKS ORITA IS PIZZA.
>> ES PIZZA.

>> MI FAR VRKS ORITA IS PIZZA.
>> ES PIZZA.
WHAT ABOUT YOU, HUGO?

>> ES PIZZA.
WHAT ABOUT YOU, HUGO?
>> --

WHAT ABOUT YOU, HUGO?
>> --
[ SPEAKING SPANISH ]

>> --
[ SPEAKING SPANISH ]
>> YUMMY!

[ SPEAKING SPANISH ]
>> YUMMY!
>> WHOA!

>> YUMMY!
>> WHOA!
WHAT DID HE SAY, MR. McINTOSH?

>> WHOA!
WHAT DID HE SAY, MR. McINTOSH?
>> SI, SI, I HEARD RICE

WHAT DID HE SAY, MR. McINTOSH?
>> SI, SI, I HEARD RICE
SOMEWHERE IN THERE, AKA, NIES.

>> SI, SI, I HEARD RICE
SOMEWHERE IN THERE, AKA, NIES.
>> I THINK YOU MEAN ARROZ.

SOMEWHERE IN THERE, AKA, NIES.
>> I THINK YOU MEAN ARROZ.
>> YES, YES.

>> I THINK YOU MEAN ARROZ.
>> YES, YES.
ARROZ.

>> YES, YES.
ARROZ.
YES, ARROZ, OF COURSE.

ARROZ.
YES, ARROZ, OF COURSE.
OF COURSE.

YES, ARROZ, OF COURSE.
OF COURSE.
SO, HUGO LIKES ARROZ.

OF COURSE.
SO, HUGO LIKES ARROZ.
ALL RIGHT.

SO, HUGO LIKES ARROZ.
ALL RIGHT.
I AM SWEATING A LITTLE BIT.

ALL RIGHT.
I AM SWEATING A LITTLE BIT.
WHO ELSE WANTS TO SAY THEIR

I AM SWEATING A LITTLE BIT.
WHO ELSE WANTS TO SAY THEIR
FAVORITE FOOD?

WHO ELSE WANTS TO SAY THEIR
FAVORITE FOOD?
OKAY.

FAVORITE FOOD?
OKAY.
ANYBODY ELSE?

OKAY.
ANYBODY ELSE?
OKAY.

ANYBODY ELSE?
OKAY.
MARIA.

OKAY.
MARIA.
>> --

MARIA.
>> --
[ SPEAKING SPANISH ]

>> RICO, SI.
>> SENOR McINTOSH, COMO SE DICE
I'M IN LOVE?

>> SENOR McINTOSH, COMO SE DICE
I'M IN LOVE?
>> OKAY.

I'M IN LOVE?
>> OKAY.
VERY GOOD PREGUNTA.

>> OKAY.
VERY GOOD PREGUNTA.

VERY GOOD PREGUNTA.

ESTOY EMARADO.
>> IN MY COUNTRY, WE SAY --

ESTOY EMARADO.
>> IN MY COUNTRY, WE SAY --
[ SPEAKING SPANISH ]

>> IN MY COUNTRY, WE SAY --
[ SPEAKING SPANISH ]
WHICH MEANS GOING DOWN THE HILL

[ SPEAKING SPANISH ]
WHICH MEANS GOING DOWN THE HILL
WITH NO BRAKES.

WHICH MEANS GOING DOWN THE HILL
WITH NO BRAKES.
>> SI.

WITH NO BRAKES.
>> SI.
THAT IS SO MUCH MORE ROMANTIC.

>> SI.
THAT IS SO MUCH MORE ROMANTIC.
I LOVE THAT.

THAT IS SO MUCH MORE ROMANTIC.
I LOVE THAT.
YOU KNOW, THIS MORNING, I CAME

I LOVE THAT.
YOU KNOW, THIS MORNING, I CAME
IN FEELING BUENO, BUT NOW I'M

YOU KNOW, THIS MORNING, I CAME
IN FEELING BUENO, BUT NOW I'M
STARTING TO FEEL ASI ASI.

IN FEELING BUENO, BUT NOW I'M
STARTING TO FEEL ASI ASI.
>> JUST SO YOU KNOW, NO ONE IN

STARTING TO FEEL ASI ASI.
>> JUST SO YOU KNOW, NO ONE IN
OUR COUNTRY SAY ASI ASI.

>> JUST SO YOU KNOW, NO ONE IN
OUR COUNTRY SAY ASI ASI.
>> THAT'S LIKE IF SOMEBODY SAY

OUR COUNTRY SAY ASI ASI.
>> THAT'S LIKE IF SOMEBODY SAY
HOW ARE YOU, AND YOU SAY, THAT,

>> THAT'S LIKE IF SOMEBODY SAY
HOW ARE YOU, AND YOU SAY, THAT,
THAT.

HOW ARE YOU, AND YOU SAY, THAT,
THAT.
>> SI, SI, I KNOW.

THAT.
>> SI, SI, I KNOW.
I WAS KIDDING.

>> SI, SI, I KNOW.
I WAS KIDDING.
ESTOY KIDDING.

I WAS KIDDING.
ESTOY KIDDING.
I'M FEELING -- I'M FEELING A

ESTOY KIDDING.
I'M FEELING -- I'M FEELING A
LITTLE CALIENTE UNDER MY COLLAR.

I'M FEELING -- I'M FEELING A
LITTLE CALIENTE UNDER MY COLLAR.
TMA, ES UN TMI, I THINK I GOT

LITTLE CALIENTE UNDER MY COLLAR.
TMA, ES UN TMI, I THINK I GOT
THE RUNS.

TMA, ES UN TMI, I THINK I GOT
THE RUNS.
I'M GOING HEAD TO EL BANO.

THE RUNS.
I'M GOING HEAD TO EL BANO.
>> WHILE MR. McINTOSH IS GONE,

I'M GOING HEAD TO EL BANO.
>> WHILE MR. McINTOSH IS GONE,
CAN YOU GUYS TEACH US SOME

>> WHILE MR. McINTOSH IS GONE,
CAN YOU GUYS TEACH US SOME
STUFF?

CAN YOU GUYS TEACH US SOME
STUFF?
>> AND TO HELP US, WE BROUGHT

STUFF?
>> AND TO HELP US, WE BROUGHT
SOME BACKUP.

>> AND TO HELP US, WE BROUGHT
SOME BACKUP.
>> OKAY, CLASS.

SOME BACKUP.
>> OKAY, CLASS.
I JUST THINK THAT WE NEED TO

>> OKAY, CLASS.
I JUST THINK THAT WE NEED TO
START FROM THE VERY BEGINNING.

I JUST THINK THAT WE NEED TO
START FROM THE VERY BEGINNING.
>> UH-HUH.

START FROM THE VERY BEGINNING.
>> UH-HUH.
>> THE ALPHABET.

>> UH-HUH.
>> THE ALPHABET.
>> OKAY.

>> THE ALPHABET.
>> OKAY.
HIT IT.

>> OKAY.
HIT IT.
♪

HIT IT.
♪
♪

♪
♪
>>> THAT AFTERPARTY ON SATURDAY

♪
>>> THAT AFTERPARTY ON SATURDAY
WAS WILD, HUH?

>>> THAT AFTERPARTY ON SATURDAY
WAS WILD, HUH?
>> SUPER WILD.

WAS WILD, HUH?
>> SUPER WILD.
THAT OPEN BAR GOT ME GOOD.

>> SUPER WILD.
THAT OPEN BAR GOT ME GOOD.
CAN'T HELP BUT HAVE A LITTLE

THAT OPEN BAR GOT ME GOOD.
CAN'T HELP BUT HAVE A LITTLE
HANGXIETY.

CAN'T HELP BUT HAVE A LITTLE
HANGXIETY.
>> ABOUT WHAT?

HANGXIETY.
>> ABOUT WHAT?
>> I DON'T KNOW.

>> ABOUT WHAT?
>> I DON'T KNOW.
I WASN'T LIKE WEIRD TO ANYONE,

>> I DON'T KNOW.
I WASN'T LIKE WEIRD TO ANYONE,
WAS I?

I WASN'T LIKE WEIRD TO ANYONE,
WAS I?
MICHAEL LONGFELLOW.

WAS I?
MICHAEL LONGFELLOW.
KISS ATTACK.

MICHAEL LONGFELLOW.
KISS ATTACK.
I WANT TO SEE THEM LONG FELLOWS.

KISS ATTACK.
I WANT TO SEE THEM LONG FELLOWS.
>> DUDE!

I WANT TO SEE THEM LONG FELLOWS.
>> DUDE!
STOP IT!

>> DUDE!
STOP IT!
>> THAT'S JUST HANGXIETY, MAN.

STOP IT!
>> THAT'S JUST HANGXIETY, MAN.
IT'S ALWAYS WORSE IN YOUR HEAD

>> THAT'S JUST HANGXIETY, MAN.
IT'S ALWAYS WORSE IN YOUR HEAD
THAN WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED.

IT'S ALWAYS WORSE IN YOUR HEAD
THAN WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED.
>> OKAY.

THAN WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED.
>> OKAY.
COOL.

>> OKAY.
COOL.
JUST WOKE UP TO A LOT OF MISSED

COOL.
JUST WOKE UP TO A LOT OF MISSED
CALLS.

JUST WOKE UP TO A LOT OF MISSED
CALLS.
NO BIG DEAL.

CALLS.
NO BIG DEAL.
PROBABLY JUST HANGXIETY.

NO BIG DEAL.
PROBABLY JUST HANGXIETY.
>> NOTHING TO BE NERVOUS ABOUT,

PROBABLY JUST HANGXIETY.
>> NOTHING TO BE NERVOUS ABOUT,
DUDE.

>> NOTHING TO BE NERVOUS ABOUT,
DUDE.
LIKE, MARK, ME AND YOU ARE FINE,

DUDE.
LIKE, MARK, ME AND YOU ARE FINE,
RIGHT?

LIKE, MARK, ME AND YOU ARE FINE,
RIGHT?
WE'RE ALL GOOD?

RIGHT?
WE'RE ALL GOOD?
>> YEAH.

WE'RE ALL GOOD?
>> YEAH.
WHY WOULDN'T WE BE?

>> YEAH.
WHY WOULDN'T WE BE?
>> GIVE ME MY PHONE BACK NOW!

WHY WOULDN'T WE BE?
>> GIVE ME MY PHONE BACK NOW!
>> OH, YOU WANT YOUR PHONE?

>> GIVE ME MY PHONE BACK NOW!
>> OH, YOU WANT YOUR PHONE?
>> YEAH, GIVE ME MY PHONE BACK

>> OH, YOU WANT YOUR PHONE?
>> YEAH, GIVE ME MY PHONE BACK
NOW!

>> YEAH, GIVE ME MY PHONE BACK
NOW!
>> JUST MAKING SURE.

NOW!
>> JUST MAKING SURE.
ALL GOOD.

>> JUST MAKING SURE.
ALL GOOD.
>> MAN, HOW MUCH DID WE DRINK?

ALL GOOD.
>> MAN, HOW MUCH DID WE DRINK?
>> NOT MUCH.

>> MAN, HOW MUCH DID WE DRINK?
>> NOT MUCH.
I HAD LIKE TWO NEGRONIS AND

>> NOT MUCH.
I HAD LIKE TWO NEGRONIS AND
MAYBE LIKE 40 BEERS.

I HAD LIKE TWO NEGRONIS AND
MAYBE LIKE 40 BEERS.
>> WHOEVER WAS BAR TENDING WAS

MAYBE LIKE 40 BEERS.
>> WHOEVER WAS BAR TENDING WAS
MAKING THEM STRONG.

>> WHOEVER WAS BAR TENDING WAS
MAKING THEM STRONG.
>> DUDE, LET ME MAKE IT, YOU'RE

MAKING THEM STRONG.
>> DUDE, LET ME MAKE IT, YOU'RE
TOO SLOW.

>> DUDE, LET ME MAKE IT, YOU'RE
TOO SLOW.
>> I'M FILMING YOU.

TOO SLOW.
>> I'M FILMING YOU.
>> GO AHEAD, FILM ME.

>> I'M FILMING YOU.
>> GO AHEAD, FILM ME.
>> MAKE IT.

>> GO AHEAD, FILM ME.
>> MAKE IT.
>> MAN, WHO ORDERED THE

>> MAKE IT.
>> MAN, WHO ORDERED THE
MARGARINI?

>> MAN, WHO ORDERED THE
MARGARINI?
I DON'T REMEMBER ANYTHING.

MARGARINI?
I DON'T REMEMBER ANYTHING.
>> HEY, GUYS.

I DON'T REMEMBER ANYTHING.
>> HEY, GUYS.
>> ANA.

>> HEY, GUYS.
>> ANA.
>> THAT PARTY WAS FUN ON

>> ANA.
>> THAT PARTY WAS FUN ON
SATURDAY.

>> THAT PARTY WAS FUN ON
SATURDAY.
>> THANKS FOR COMING.

SATURDAY.
>> THANKS FOR COMING.
>> YOU WERE A DELIGHT.

>> THANKS FOR COMING.
>> YOU WERE A DELIGHT.
>> AND WERE ME AND YOU KIND OF

>> YOU WERE A DELIGHT.
>> AND WERE ME AND YOU KIND OF
VIBING?

>> AND WERE ME AND YOU KIND OF
VIBING?
>> SO LIKE ARE YOUR THOUGHTS

VIBING?
>> SO LIKE ARE YOUR THOUGHTS
USUALLY IN SPANISH OR ENGLISH?

>> SO LIKE ARE YOUR THOUGHTS
USUALLY IN SPANISH OR ENGLISH?
>> CAN YOU STOP LIKE YELLING IN

USUALLY IN SPANISH OR ENGLISH?
>> CAN YOU STOP LIKE YELLING IN
MY MOUTH?

>> CAN YOU STOP LIKE YELLING IN
MY MOUTH?
>> YOU'RE HILARIOUS.

MY MOUTH?
>> YOU'RE HILARIOUS.
>> SERIOUSLY, YOU SMELL LIKE YOU

>> YOU'RE HILARIOUS.
>> SERIOUSLY, YOU SMELL LIKE YOU
HAVE A DEAD TOOTH.

>> SERIOUSLY, YOU SMELL LIKE YOU
HAVE A DEAD TOOTH.
>> I LOVE IT.

HAVE A DEAD TOOTH.
>> I LOVE IT.
>> I DON'T THINK SO.

>> I LOVE IT.
>> I DON'T THINK SO.
>> COOL.

>> I DON'T THINK SO.
>> COOL.
DIDN'T THINK SO EITHER.

>> COOL.
DIDN'T THINK SO EITHER.
BACK TO WORK.

DIDN'T THINK SO EITHER.
BACK TO WORK.
>> WELL, ANA, EVERYONE LOVED

BACK TO WORK.
>> WELL, ANA, EVERYONE LOVED
YOU.

>> WELL, ANA, EVERYONE LOVED
YOU.
SERIOUSLY, I WAS WITH PEOPLE ALL

YOU.
SERIOUSLY, I WAS WITH PEOPLE ALL
NIGHT, AND ALL WE COULD TALK

SERIOUSLY, I WAS WITH PEOPLE ALL
NIGHT, AND ALL WE COULD TALK
ABOUT WAS HOW FUN YOU WERE

NIGHT, AND ALL WE COULD TALK
ABOUT WAS HOW FUN YOU WERE
BEING.

ABOUT WAS HOW FUN YOU WERE
BEING.
NO!

BEING.
NO!
>> THANK YOU.

NO!
>> THANK YOU.
IT'S JUST SO NICE TO SEE YOU

>> THANK YOU.
IT'S JUST SO NICE TO SEE YOU
GUYS HOW YOU REALLY ARE LIKE A

IT'S JUST SO NICE TO SEE YOU
GUYS HOW YOU REALLY ARE LIKE A
FAMILY HERE.

GUYS HOW YOU REALLY ARE LIKE A
FAMILY HERE.
♪ DON'T YOU FORGET ABOUT ME ♪

FAMILY HERE.
♪ DON'T YOU FORGET ABOUT ME ♪
>> YOU NEED AUTO TUNE!

♪ DON'T YOU FORGET ABOUT ME ♪
>> YOU NEED AUTO TUNE!
YOU NEED AUTO TUNE!

>> YOU NEED AUTO TUNE!
YOU NEED AUTO TUNE!
>> YOU'RE A JEALOUS BITCH!

YOU NEED AUTO TUNE!
>> YOU'RE A JEALOUS BITCH!
>> LITERALLY THE POT CALLING THE

>> YOU'RE A JEALOUS BITCH!
>> LITERALLY THE POT CALLING THE
KETTLE BAD!

>> LITERALLY THE POT CALLING THE
KETTLE BAD!
>> MY SHIRT!

KETTLE BAD!
>> MY SHIRT!
>> FAMILY.

>> MY SHIRT!
>> FAMILY.
>> WE ARE.

>> FAMILY.
>> WE ARE.
>> TOTALLY.

>> WE ARE.
>> TOTALLY.
>> HEY, GUYS.

>> TOTALLY.
>> HEY, GUYS.
OH, IT'S MESSY IN HERE.

>> HEY, GUYS.
OH, IT'S MESSY IN HERE.
THAT'S CRAZY.

OH, IT'S MESSY IN HERE.
THAT'S CRAZY.
I JUST WANT TO SAY YOUR BEHAVIOR

THAT'S CRAZY.
I JUST WANT TO SAY YOUR BEHAVIOR
AT THE AFTERPARTY WAS UNACCEPT

I JUST WANT TO SAY YOUR BEHAVIOR
AT THE AFTERPARTY WAS UNACCEPT
LABLE.

AT THE AFTERPARTY WAS UNACCEPT
LABLE.
>> SORRY, MIKEY.

LABLE.
>> SORRY, MIKEY.
>> THIS IS A WORK PLACE.

>> SORRY, MIKEY.
>> THIS IS A WORK PLACE.
ACT LIKE IT.

>> THIS IS A WORK PLACE.
ACT LIKE IT.
>> OKAY, MAN.

ACT LIKE IT.
>> OKAY, MAN.
GOD.

>>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, KAROL
G.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

G.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪

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♪
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[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> Announcer: IT'S "WEEKEND
UPDATE" WITH COLIN JOST AND
MICHAEL CHE.

UPDATE" WITH COLIN JOST AND
MICHAEL CHE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

MICHAEL CHE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>> THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>> THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE.

>>> THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE.
>> WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE."

GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE.
>> WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE."
I'M MICHAEL CHE.

>> WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE."
I'M MICHAEL CHE.
>> I'M COLIN JOST.

I'M MICHAEL CHE.
>> I'M COLIN JOST.
THE PERSON WHO ALLEGEDLY LEAKED

>> I'M COLIN JOST.
THE PERSON WHO ALLEGEDLY LEAKED
CLASSIFIED PENTAGON DOCUMENTS ON

THE PERSON WHO ALLEGEDLY LEAKED
CLASSIFIED PENTAGON DOCUMENTS ON
SOCIAL MEDIA HAS BEEN IDENTIFIED

CLASSIFIED PENTAGON DOCUMENTS ON
SOCIAL MEDIA HAS BEEN IDENTIFIED
AS JACK TEIXEIRA WHO IS A

SOCIAL MEDIA HAS BEEN IDENTIFIED
AS JACK TEIXEIRA WHO IS A
MASSACHUSETTS AIR NATIONAL

AS JACK TEIXEIRA WHO IS A
MASSACHUSETTS AIR NATIONAL
GUARDSMAN, I ASSUME IN A SCHOOL

MASSACHUSETTS AIR NATIONAL
GUARDSMAN, I ASSUME IN A SCHOOL
PLAY.

GUARDSMAN, I ASSUME IN A SCHOOL
PLAY.
HE SHARED IS DOCUMENT IN A

PLAY.
HE SHARED IS DOCUMENT IN A
PRIVATE SOCIAL MEDIA GROUP THAT

HE SHARED IS DOCUMENT IN A
PRIVATE SOCIAL MEDIA GROUP THAT
MEMBERS SAY STARTED AS A PLACE

PRIVATE SOCIAL MEDIA GROUP THAT
MEMBERS SAY STARTED AS A PLACE
WHERE YOUNG MEN COULD PLAY WAR

MEMBERS SAY STARTED AS A PLACE
WHERE YOUNG MEN COULD PLAY WAR
THEMED VIDEO GAMES, BOND OVER

WHERE YOUNG MEN COULD PLAY WAR
THEMED VIDEO GAMES, BOND OVER
THEIR LOVE OF GUNS, AND POST

THEMED VIDEO GAMES, BOND OVER
THEIR LOVE OF GUNS, AND POST
RACIST MEMES, AND NOW IT'S

THEIR LOVE OF GUNS, AND POST
RACIST MEMES, AND NOW IT'S
RUINED.

RACIST MEMES, AND NOW IT'S
RUINED.
IT WAS REVEALED THAT JUST BEFORE

RUINED.
IT WAS REVEALED THAT JUST BEFORE
HIS ARREST, TEIXEIRA CONTACTED

IT WAS REVEALED THAT JUST BEFORE
HIS ARREST, TEIXEIRA CONTACTED
THE MEMBERS OF HIS GROUP AND

HIS ARREST, TEIXEIRA CONTACTED
THE MEMBERS OF HIS GROUP AND
SAID, GUYS, IT'S BEEN GOOD.

THE MEMBERS OF HIS GROUP AND
SAID, GUYS, IT'S BEEN GOOD.
I LOVE YOU ALL.

SAID, GUYS, IT'S BEEN GOOD.
I LOVE YOU ALL.
OF COURSE, HIS FRIENDS ALL

I LOVE YOU ALL.
OF COURSE, HIS FRIENDS ALL
REPLIED, GAY.

OF COURSE, HIS FRIENDS ALL
REPLIED, GAY.
>> THE ONLINE GROUP TEIXEIRA

REPLIED, GAY.
>> THE ONLINE GROUP TEIXEIRA
STARTED WAS NAMED THUGS SHAKER

>> THE ONLINE GROUP TEIXEIRA
STARTED WAS NAMED THUGS SHAKER
CENTRAL.

STARTED WAS NAMED THUGS SHAKER
CENTRAL.
THAT'S ALSO WHAT COLIN CALLS

CENTRAL.
THAT'S ALSO WHAT COLIN CALLS
ATLANTA.

THAT'S ALSO WHAT COLIN CALLS
ATLANTA.
PRESIDENT BIDEN IS TRYING TO

ATLANTA.
PRESIDENT BIDEN IS TRYING TO
DOWN PLAY THE RECENT LEAK OF

PRESIDENT BIDEN IS TRYING TO
DOWN PLAY THE RECENT LEAK OF
CLASSIFIED U.S. DOCUMENTS THAT

DOWN PLAY THE RECENT LEAK OF
CLASSIFIED U.S. DOCUMENTS THAT
WERE POSTED ON SOCIAL MEDIA

CLASSIFIED U.S. DOCUMENTS THAT
WERE POSTED ON SOCIAL MEDIA
BECAUSE WHEN YOU'RE OVER 80, A

WERE POSTED ON SOCIAL MEDIA
BECAUSE WHEN YOU'RE OVER 80, A
COUPLE OF LEAKS IS NOTHING TO BE

BECAUSE WHEN YOU'RE OVER 80, A
COUPLE OF LEAKS IS NOTHING TO BE
EMBARRASSED ABOUT.

COUPLE OF LEAKS IS NOTHING TO BE
EMBARRASSED ABOUT.
>> IN AN INTERVIEW, DONALD TRUMP

EMBARRASSED ABOUT.
>> IN AN INTERVIEW, DONALD TRUMP
CLAIMED NEW YORK POLICE AND

>> IN AN INTERVIEW, DONALD TRUMP
CLAIMED NEW YORK POLICE AND
COURT EMPLOYEES WERE CRYING WHEN

CLAIMED NEW YORK POLICE AND
COURT EMPLOYEES WERE CRYING WHEN
THEY ARRESTED HIM.

COURT EMPLOYEES WERE CRYING WHEN
THEY ARRESTED HIM.
WHY IS EVERYONE IN TRUMP'S

THEY ARRESTED HIM.
WHY IS EVERYONE IN TRUMP'S
STORIES ALWAYS CRYING?

WHY IS EVERYONE IN TRUMP'S
STORIES ALWAYS CRYING?
>> PEOPLE CAME TO ME AND THEY

STORIES ALWAYS CRYING?
>> PEOPLE CAME TO ME AND THEY
SAW ME, AND THEY WERE CRYING.

>> PEOPLE CAME TO ME AND THEY
SAW ME, AND THEY WERE CRYING.
VERY TOUGH, VERY STRONG, VERY

SAW ME, AND THEY WERE CRYING.
VERY TOUGH, VERY STRONG, VERY
POWERFUL MEN WERE CRYING.

VERY TOUGH, VERY STRONG, VERY
POWERFUL MEN WERE CRYING.
THEY HAD TEARS IN THEIR EYES.

POWERFUL MEN WERE CRYING.
THEY HAD TEARS IN THEIR EYES.
THEY WERE ALL CRYING.

THEY HAD TEARS IN THEIR EYES.
THEY WERE ALL CRYING.
PEOPLE WERE CRYING.

THEY WERE ALL CRYING.
PEOPLE WERE CRYING.
THESE PEOPLE THAT DIDN'T CRY

PEOPLE WERE CRYING.
THESE PEOPLE THAT DIDN'T CRY
WHEN THEY WERE BABIES, AND THEY

THESE PEOPLE THAT DIDN'T CRY
WHEN THEY WERE BABIES, AND THEY
WERE CRYING.

WHEN THEY WERE BABIES, AND THEY
WERE CRYING.
A LOT OF THEM WERE CRYING.

WERE CRYING.
A LOT OF THEM WERE CRYING.
>> YOU'RE BRAGGING THAT WHEN

A LOT OF THEM WERE CRYING.
>> YOU'RE BRAGGING THAT WHEN
PEOPLE SEE YOU, THEY JUST LIKE

>> YOU'RE BRAGGING THAT WHEN
PEOPLE SEE YOU, THEY JUST LIKE
BURST INTO TEARS, BECAUSE IT

PEOPLE SEE YOU, THEY JUST LIKE
BURST INTO TEARS, BECAUSE IT
NEVER SOUNDS LIKE EXCITED

BURST INTO TEARS, BECAUSE IT
NEVER SOUNDS LIKE EXCITED
CRYING.

NEVER SOUNDS LIKE EXCITED
CRYING.
IT SOUNDS MORE LIKE SCARED

CRYING.
IT SOUNDS MORE LIKE SCARED
CRYING LIKE WHEN HOSTAGES SEE

IT SOUNDS MORE LIKE SCARED
CRYING LIKE WHEN HOSTAGES SEE
JIGSAW.

CRYING LIKE WHEN HOSTAGES SEE
JIGSAW.
>> AFTER A JUDGE'S RULING LEFT

JIGSAW.
>> AFTER A JUDGE'S RULING LEFT
ACCESS TO ABORTION PILLS

>> AFTER A JUDGE'S RULING LEFT
ACCESS TO ABORTION PILLS
UNCERTAIN, SOME STATE OFFICIALS

ACCESS TO ABORTION PILLS
UNCERTAIN, SOME STATE OFFICIALS
ARE STOCK PILING THEM JUST IN

UNCERTAIN, SOME STATE OFFICIALS
ARE STOCK PILING THEM JUST IN
CASE.

ARE STOCK PILING THEM JUST IN
CASE.
CALIFORNIA GOVERNOR GAVIN NEWSOM

CASE.
CALIFORNIA GOVERNOR GAVIN NEWSOM
AND NEW YORK COMEDIAN, MICHAEL

CALIFORNIA GOVERNOR GAVIN NEWSOM
AND NEW YORK COMEDIAN, MICHAEL
CHE.

AND NEW YORK COMEDIAN, MICHAEL
CHE.
AFTER IT WAS REVEALED THAT

CHE.
AFTER IT WAS REVEALED THAT
HARLAN CROWE BOUGHT CLARENCE

AFTER IT WAS REVEALED THAT
HARLAN CROWE BOUGHT CLARENCE
THOMAS' HOME, HE SAID HE DID IT

HARLAN CROWE BOUGHT CLARENCE
THOMAS' HOME, HE SAID HE DID IT
SO HE COULD TURN IT INTO A

THOMAS' HOME, HE SAID HE DID IT
SO HE COULD TURN IT INTO A
MUSEUM CALLED THE SEXUAL

SO HE COULD TURN IT INTO A
MUSEUM CALLED THE SEXUAL
HARASSMENT HALL OF FAME.

MUSEUM CALLED THE SEXUAL
HARASSMENT HALL OF FAME.
>> CONSERVATIVE JUDGES HAVE

HARASSMENT HALL OF FAME.
>> CONSERVATIVE JUDGES HAVE
DEFENDED THOMAS SAYING HIS DEALS

>> CONSERVATIVE JUDGES HAVE
DEFENDED THOMAS SAYING HIS DEALS
WITH HARLAN CROWE ARE NOT

DEFENDED THOMAS SAYING HIS DEALS
WITH HARLAN CROWE ARE NOT
CORRUPT BECAUSE HE HAD NO DEALS

WITH HARLAN CROWE ARE NOT
CORRUPT BECAUSE HE HAD NO DEALS
BEFORE THE COURT.

CORRUPT BECAUSE HE HAD NO DEALS
BEFORE THE COURT.
DOES THIS BILLIONAIRE STRIKE YOU

BEFORE THE COURT.
DOES THIS BILLIONAIRE STRIKE YOU
AS SOMEONE WHO DIDN'T WANT THEM

DOES THIS BILLIONAIRE STRIKE YOU
AS SOMEONE WHO DIDN'T WANT THEM
TO OVERTURN ROE V WADE?

AS SOMEONE WHO DIDN'T WANT THEM
TO OVERTURN ROE V WADE?
HE LOOKS LIKE HE'S AN A PAMPHLET

TO OVERTURN ROE V WADE?
HE LOOKS LIKE HE'S AN A PAMPHLET
CALLED WHY YOU HAVE TO KEEP IT.

HE LOOKS LIKE HE'S AN A PAMPHLET
CALLED WHY YOU HAVE TO KEEP IT.
>> PRESIDENT BIDEN TRAVELED TO

CALLED WHY YOU HAVE TO KEEP IT.
>> PRESIDENT BIDEN TRAVELED TO
IRELAND THIS WEEK AND IS BEING

>> PRESIDENT BIDEN TRAVELED TO
IRELAND THIS WEEK AND IS BEING
CALLED THE MOST IRISH PRESIDENT

IRELAND THIS WEEK AND IS BEING
CALLED THE MOST IRISH PRESIDENT
SINCE KENNEDY.

CALLED THE MOST IRISH PRESIDENT
SINCE KENNEDY.
BIDEN HAS SO MUCH IRISH BLOOD

SINCE KENNEDY.
BIDEN HAS SO MUCH IRISH BLOOD
THAT HE DOESN'T NEED A DRINK TO

BIDEN HAS SO MUCH IRISH BLOOD
THAT HE DOESN'T NEED A DRINK TO
SLUR HIS WORDS.

THAT HE DOESN'T NEED A DRINK TO
SLUR HIS WORDS.
>> WOW.

SLUR HIS WORDS.
>> WOW.
>> DID THAT GET YOUR PEOPLE?

>> WOW.
>> DID THAT GET YOUR PEOPLE?
>> EASY.

>> DID THAT GET YOUR PEOPLE?
>> EASY.
SENATOR DIANE FEINSTEIN WHO IS

>> EASY.
SENATOR DIANE FEINSTEIN WHO IS
89 IS FACING CALLS TO RESIGN

SENATOR DIANE FEINSTEIN WHO IS
89 IS FACING CALLS TO RESIGN
FROM FELLOW DEMOCRATS.

89 IS FACING CALLS TO RESIGN
FROM FELLOW DEMOCRATS.
UNFORTUNATELY, FEINSTEIN IS

FROM FELLOW DEMOCRATS.
UNFORTUNATELY, FEINSTEIN IS
ANSWERING THOSE CALLS ON HER

UNFORTUNATELY, FEINSTEIN IS
ANSWERING THOSE CALLS ON HER
STAPLER.

ANSWERING THOSE CALLS ON HER
STAPLER.
>> REPUBLICAN SENATOR TIM SCOTT

STAPLER.
>> REPUBLICAN SENATOR TIM SCOTT
OF SOUTH CAROLINA ANNOUNCED THE

>> REPUBLICAN SENATOR TIM SCOTT
OF SOUTH CAROLINA ANNOUNCED THE
LAUNCH OF AN EXPLORATORY

OF SOUTH CAROLINA ANNOUNCED THE
LAUNCH OF AN EXPLORATORY
COMMITTEE FOR A 2024

LAUNCH OF AN EXPLORATORY
COMMITTEE FOR A 2024
PRESIDENTIAL RUN.

COMMITTEE FOR A 2024
PRESIDENTIAL RUN.
THAT NAME AGAIN IS TIM SCOTT, AS

PRESIDENTIAL RUN.
THAT NAME AGAIN IS TIM SCOTT, AS
IN TIM'S GOT NO CHANCE OF BEING

THAT NAME AGAIN IS TIM SCOTT, AS
IN TIM'S GOT NO CHANCE OF BEING
A NOMINEE.

IN TIM'S GOT NO CHANCE OF BEING
A NOMINEE.
>> THE NEW MARIO BROTHERS MOVIE

A NOMINEE.
>> THE NEW MARIO BROTHERS MOVIE
IS A HUGE HIT, AND MANY FANS

>> THE NEW MARIO BROTHERS MOVIE
IS A HUGE HIT, AND MANY FANS
WERE HOPING FOR AN APPEARANCE

IS A HUGE HIT, AND MANY FANS
WERE HOPING FOR AN APPEARANCE
FROM ONE OF THE COOLEST

WERE HOPING FOR AN APPEARANCE
FROM ONE OF THE COOLEST
CHARACTERS, FUNKY KONG.

FROM ONE OF THE COOLEST
CHARACTERS, FUNKY KONG.
SO HERE TO TALK ABOUT IT IS

CHARACTERS, FUNKY KONG.
SO HERE TO TALK ABOUT IT IS
FUNKY KONG.

SO HERE TO TALK ABOUT IT IS
FUNKY KONG.
>> WHAT'S U COLIN?

FUNKY KONG.
>> WHAT'S U COLIN?
WHAT'S UP, LADIES?

>> WHAT'S U COLIN?
WHAT'S UP, LADIES?
WHICH ONE OF Y'ALL GOING HOME

WHAT'S UP, LADIES?
WHICH ONE OF Y'ALL GOING HOME
WITH FUNKY KONG.

WHICH ONE OF Y'ALL GOING HOME
WITH FUNKY KONG.
>> ALL RIGHT.

WITH FUNKY KONG.
>> ALL RIGHT.
HOW ARE YOU DOING, FUNKY KONG?

>> ALL RIGHT.
HOW ARE YOU DOING, FUNKY KONG?
>> I'VE BEEN BETTER.

HOW ARE YOU DOING, FUNKY KONG?
>> I'VE BEEN BETTER.
I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO BE ALL

>> I'VE BEEN BETTER.
I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO BE ALL
OVER THIS MOVIE THAT JUST MADE

I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO BE ALL
OVER THIS MOVIE THAT JUST MADE
$500 MILLION -- 600.

OVER THIS MOVIE THAT JUST MADE
$500 MILLION -- 600.
BUT THIS IS HOW MUCH YOU GET TO

$500 MILLION -- 600.
BUT THIS IS HOW MUCH YOU GET TO
SEE OF ME.

BUT THIS IS HOW MUCH YOU GET TO
SEE OF ME.
>> YOU'RE JUST IN THE

SEE OF ME.
>> YOU'RE JUST IN THE
BACKGROUND?

>> YOU'RE JUST IN THE
BACKGROUND?
WHAT HAPPENED?

BACKGROUND?
WHAT HAPPENED?
>> THEY CUT ME OUT.

WHAT HAPPENED?
>> THEY CUT ME OUT.
I GUESS I'M TOO REAL FOR THEM.

>> THEY CUT ME OUT.
I GUESS I'M TOO REAL FOR THEM.
THEY DON'T WANT TO HEAR WHAT I

I GUESS I'M TOO REAL FOR THEM.
THEY DON'T WANT TO HEAR WHAT I
GOTS TO SAY, AND THEY SURE AS

THEY DON'T WANT TO HEAR WHAT I
GOTS TO SAY, AND THEY SURE AS
HELL DON'T WANT TO WATCH ME

GOTS TO SAY, AND THEY SURE AS
HELL DON'T WANT TO WATCH ME
WORK.

HELL DON'T WANT TO WATCH ME
WORK.
BRING IT BACK.

WORK.
BRING IT BACK.
♪

BRING IT BACK.
♪
>> WOW.

♪
>> WOW.
I'M SO SORRY YOU GOT CUT.

>> WOW.
I'M SO SORRY YOU GOT CUT.
>> FUNKY DON'T WANT TO BE WHAT

I'M SO SORRY YOU GOT CUT.
>> FUNKY DON'T WANT TO BE WHAT
THEY WANT, COLIN.

>> FUNKY DON'T WANT TO BE WHAT
THEY WANT, COLIN.
FUNKY DON'T THROW NO BARRELS.

THEY WANT, COLIN.
FUNKY DON'T THROW NO BARRELS.
FUNKY KONG SPENDS ALL DAY

FUNKY DON'T THROW NO BARRELS.
FUNKY KONG SPENDS ALL DAY
CRUISING IN MY CART AND MY

FUNKY KONG SPENDS ALL DAY
CRUISING IN MY CART AND MY
NIGHTS WITH A GLASS FULL OF

CRUISING IN MY CART AND MY
NIGHTS WITH A GLASS FULL OF
BANANA RUM AND A BED FULL OF

NIGHTS WITH A GLASS FULL OF
BANANA RUM AND A BED FULL OF
TOADS.

BANANA RUM AND A BED FULL OF
TOADS.
>> ARE THE TOADS MALE OR FEMALE?

TOADS.
>> ARE THE TOADS MALE OR FEMALE?
>> FUNKY DON'T KNOW, FUNKY DON'T

>> ARE THE TOADS MALE OR FEMALE?
>> FUNKY DON'T KNOW, FUNKY DON'T
ASK.

>> FUNKY DON'T KNOW, FUNKY DON'T
ASK.
>> IT'S A SHAME YOU'RE NOT IN

ASK.
>> IT'S A SHAME YOU'RE NOT IN
THE MOVIE BECAUSE YOUR COUSIN

>> IT'S A SHAME YOU'RE NOT IN
THE MOVIE BECAUSE YOUR COUSIN
DONKEY KONG IS A MAJOR

THE MOVIE BECAUSE YOUR COUSIN
DONKEY KONG IS A MAJOR
CHARACTER.

DONKEY KONG IS A MAJOR
CHARACTER.
>> YEAH, DONKEY KONG IS ALL UP

CHARACTER.
>> YEAH, DONKEY KONG IS ALL UP
IN IT.

>> YEAH, DONKEY KONG IS ALL UP
IN IT.
BUT THEY AIN'T EVEN USE MONKEY

IN IT.
BUT THEY AIN'T EVEN USE MONKEY
KONG.

BUT THEY AIN'T EVEN USE MONKEY
KONG.
>> WHO IS MONKEY KONG?

KONG.
>> WHO IS MONKEY KONG?
>> HE'S A DONKEY.

>> WHO IS MONKEY KONG?
>> HE'S A DONKEY.
THEM JAPANESE PEOPLE SURE ARE

>> HE'S A DONKEY.
THEM JAPANESE PEOPLE SURE ARE
INTERESTING.

THEM JAPANESE PEOPLE SURE ARE
INTERESTING.
YOU KNOW THEY KICKED ME OFF THE

INTERESTING.
YOU KNOW THEY KICKED ME OFF THE
SET?

YOU KNOW THEY KICKED ME OFF THE
SET?
>> WHAT?

SET?
>> WHAT?
WHY?

>> WHAT?
WHY?
>> BECAUSE I WAS IN MY TRAILER

WHY?
>> BECAUSE I WAS IN MY TRAILER
DRUMMING ON BOOTY CHEEKS LIKE

>> BECAUSE I WAS IN MY TRAILER
DRUMMING ON BOOTY CHEEKS LIKE
BONGOS.

DRUMMING ON BOOTY CHEEKS LIKE
BONGOS.
I WAS IN THERE LIKE, BOOTY

BONGOS.
I WAS IN THERE LIKE, BOOTY
CHEEKS, BOOTY CHEEKS.

I WAS IN THERE LIKE, BOOTY
CHEEKS, BOOTY CHEEKS.
>> GREAT.

CHEEKS, BOOTY CHEEKS.
>> GREAT.
REALLY GREAT.

>> GREAT.
REALLY GREAT.
SO YOU WERE ORIGINALLY IN THE

REALLY GREAT.
SO YOU WERE ORIGINALLY IN THE
MOVIE.

SO YOU WERE ORIGINALLY IN THE
MOVIE.
>> ABSOLUTELY, MAN.

MOVIE.
>> ABSOLUTELY, MAN.
I HAD A FEW CHOICE SCENES.

>> ABSOLUTELY, MAN.
I HAD A FEW CHOICE SCENES.
I WAS INCREDIBLE.

I HAD A FEW CHOICE SCENES.
I WAS INCREDIBLE.
I EVEN HAVE THE OLD SCRIPT RIGHT

I WAS INCREDIBLE.
I EVEN HAVE THE OLD SCRIPT RIGHT
HERE.

I EVEN HAVE THE OLD SCRIPT RIGHT
HERE.
READ THIS WITH ME.

HERE.
READ THIS WITH ME.
I'LL SHOW YOU WHAT I'M TALKING

READ THIS WITH ME.
I'LL SHOW YOU WHAT I'M TALKING
ABOUT.

I'LL SHOW YOU WHAT I'M TALKING
ABOUT.
YOU BE MARIO AND LUIGI.

ABOUT.
YOU BE MARIO AND LUIGI.
>> LUIGI, WE GOT TO GET TO THE

YOU BE MARIO AND LUIGI.
>> LUIGI, WE GOT TO GET TO THE
CASTLE.

>> LUIGI, WE GOT TO GET TO THE
CASTLE.
BUT THE FASTEST WAY IS RAINBOW

CASTLE.
BUT THE FASTEST WAY IS RAINBOW
ROAD.

BUT THE FASTEST WAY IS RAINBOW
ROAD.
MARIO, RAINBOW ROAD?

ROAD.
MARIO, RAINBOW ROAD?
WE'LL FALL OFF.

MARIO, RAINBOW ROAD?
WE'LL FALL OFF.
>> MAN, AIN'T NO BITCHES IN

WE'LL FALL OFF.
>> MAN, AIN'T NO BITCHES IN
HERE.

>> MAN, AIN'T NO BITCHES IN
HERE.
>> I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT'S THE

HERE.
>> I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT'S THE
ORIGINAL LINE.

>> I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT'S THE
ORIGINAL LINE.
>> I TOLD YOU, MAN.

ORIGINAL LINE.
>> I TOLD YOU, MAN.
I WAS DOPE.

>> I TOLD YOU, MAN.
I WAS DOPE.
GO TO PAGE 36, MAN.

I WAS DOPE.
GO TO PAGE 36, MAN.
THE SCENE WITH ME AND PEACH.

GO TO PAGE 36, MAN.
THE SCENE WITH ME AND PEACH.
>> YOU AND PEACH.

THE SCENE WITH ME AND PEACH.
>> YOU AND PEACH.
OKAY.

>> YOU AND PEACH.
OKAY.
PRINCESS PEACH, FUNKY KONG,

OKAY.
PRINCESS PEACH, FUNKY KONG,
THEY'RE HOLDING OUR FRIENDS

PRINCESS PEACH, FUNKY KONG,
THEY'RE HOLDING OUR FRIENDS
PRISONER AT WARIO STADIUM.

THEY'RE HOLDING OUR FRIENDS
PRISONER AT WARIO STADIUM.
CAN YOU HELP?

PRISONER AT WARIO STADIUM.
CAN YOU HELP?
>> GIRL, WHY DON'T YOU GO ON AND

CAN YOU HELP?
>> GIRL, WHY DON'T YOU GO ON AND
OPEN UP THAT PEACH AND LET ME

>> GIRL, WHY DON'T YOU GO ON AND
OPEN UP THAT PEACH AND LET ME
SEE WHAT'S INSIDE.

OPEN UP THAT PEACH AND LET ME
SEE WHAT'S INSIDE.
>> ALL RIGHT.

SEE WHAT'S INSIDE.
>> ALL RIGHT.
HONESTLY, I CAN SEE WHY THEY CUT

>> ALL RIGHT.
HONESTLY, I CAN SEE WHY THEY CUT
YOU OUT.

HONESTLY, I CAN SEE WHY THEY CUT
YOU OUT.
>> COME ON.

YOU OUT.
>> COME ON.
PEOPLE WOULD HAVE EATEN THAT UP,

>> COME ON.
PEOPLE WOULD HAVE EATEN THAT UP,
MAN.

PEOPLE WOULD HAVE EATEN THAT UP,
MAN.
YOU EVER HAD MONKEY MEAT?

MAN.
YOU EVER HAD MONKEY MEAT?
>> NO.

YOU EVER HAD MONKEY MEAT?
>> NO.
>> THAT'S NOT WHAT YOUR MAMA

>> NO.
>> THAT'S NOT WHAT YOUR MAMA
SAID LAST NIGHT.

>> THAT'S NOT WHAT YOUR MAMA
SAID LAST NIGHT.
BRING IT BACK!

SAID LAST NIGHT.
BRING IT BACK!
>> FUNKY KONG, EVERYONE.

BRING IT BACK!
>> FUNKY KONG, EVERYONE.
>> I'LL TAKE THAT.

>> FUNKY KONG, EVERYONE.
>> I'LL TAKE THAT.
>> KATHLEEN WAS ANNOUNCED AS NEW

>> I'LL TAKE THAT.
>> KATHLEEN WAS ANNOUNCED AS NEW
YORK CITY'S FIRST RAT CZAR, A

>> KATHLEEN WAS ANNOUNCED AS NEW
YORK CITY'S FIRST RAT CZAR, A
TITLE FORMERLY KNOWN AS

YORK CITY'S FIRST RAT CZAR, A
TITLE FORMERLY KNOWN AS
MS. STATEN ISLAND.

TITLE FORMERLY KNOWN AS
MS. STATEN ISLAND.
LOSER.

MS. STATEN ISLAND.
LOSER.
>> YOU AND FUNKY KONG?

LOSER.
>> YOU AND FUNKY KONG?
ARCHEOLOGISTS HAVE DISCOVERED A

>> YOU AND FUNKY KONG?
ARCHEOLOGISTS HAVE DISCOVERED A
THOUSAND-YEAR-OLD SCOREBOARD

ARCHEOLOGISTS HAVE DISCOVERED A
THOUSAND-YEAR-OLD SCOREBOARD
USED FOR AN ANCIENT MAYAN BALL

THOUSAND-YEAR-OLD SCOREBOARD
USED FOR AN ANCIENT MAYAN BALL
GAME.

USED FOR AN ANCIENT MAYAN BALL
GAME.
THE SCORE WAS MAYANS 24, NEW

GAME.
THE SCORE WAS MAYANS 24, NEW
YORK JETS, 0.

THE SCORE WAS MAYANS 24, NEW
YORK JETS, 0.
THE DEPARTMENT OF SANITATION HAS

YORK JETS, 0.
THE DEPARTMENT OF SANITATION HAS
LAUNCHED ITS FIRST CAMPAIGN WITH

THE DEPARTMENT OF SANITATION HAS
LAUNCHED ITS FIRST CAMPAIGN WITH
MESSAGES SUCH AS, IF YOU LITTER,

LAUNCHED ITS FIRST CAMPAIGN WITH
MESSAGES SUCH AS, IF YOU LITTER,
YOU'RE GARBAGE, WHICH IS

MESSAGES SUCH AS, IF YOU LITTER,
YOU'RE GARBAGE, WHICH IS
ACTUALLY DIALLED BACK FROM THE

YOU'RE GARBAGE, WHICH IS
ACTUALLY DIALLED BACK FROM THE
ORIGINAL VERSION, YOUR LITTER

ACTUALLY DIALLED BACK FROM THE
ORIGINAL VERSION, YOUR LITTER
BELONGS IN THE TRASH NEXT TO

ORIGINAL VERSION, YOUR LITTER
BELONGS IN THE TRASH NEXT TO
YOUR WHORE WIFE.

BELONGS IN THE TRASH NEXT TO
YOUR WHORE WIFE.
>> A PROPOSED BILL IN CALIFORNIA

YOUR WHORE WIFE.
>> A PROPOSED BILL IN CALIFORNIA
WOULD CREATE AN ALERT SYSTEM FOR

>> A PROPOSED BILL IN CALIFORNIA
WOULD CREATE AN ALERT SYSTEM FOR
MISSING BLACK WOMEN AND KIDS.

WOULD CREATE AN ALERT SYSTEM FOR
MISSING BLACK WOMEN AND KIDS.
THIS IS IN ADDITION TO THE ALERT

MISSING BLACK WOMEN AND KIDS.
THIS IS IN ADDITION TO THE ALERT
SYSTEM FOR MISSING WHITE WOMEN

THIS IS IN ADDITION TO THE ALERT
SYSTEM FOR MISSING WHITE WOMEN
AND KIDS, THE NEWS.

SYSTEM FOR MISSING WHITE WOMEN
AND KIDS, THE NEWS.
>> WITH MENTAL HEALTH STRUGGLES

AND KIDS, THE NEWS.
>> WITH MENTAL HEALTH STRUGGLES
ON THE RISE, SOME AMERICANS ARE

>> WITH MENTAL HEALTH STRUGGLES
ON THE RISE, SOME AMERICANS ARE
SEEKING ALTERNATIVE FORMS OF

ON THE RISE, SOME AMERICANS ARE
SEEKING ALTERNATIVE FORMS OF
WELLNESS.

SEEKING ALTERNATIVE FORMS OF
WELLNESS.
HERE TO HELP IS MEDITATION GURU

WELLNESS.
HERE TO HELP IS MEDITATION GURU
GENESIS FRY.

HERE TO HELP IS MEDITATION GURU
GENESIS FRY.
>> HELLO, COLIN.

GENESIS FRY.
>> HELLO, COLIN.
JOIN ME, WON'T YOU, ON A GUIDED

>> HELLO, COLIN.
JOIN ME, WON'T YOU, ON A GUIDED
MEDITATION TO THE CENTER OF YOUR

JOIN ME, WON'T YOU, ON A GUIDED
MEDITATION TO THE CENTER OF YOUR
MIND.

MEDITATION TO THE CENTER OF YOUR
MIND.
>> OH.

MIND.
>> OH.
LIKE RIGHT NOW?

>> OH.
LIKE RIGHT NOW?
>> YES, COLIN.

LIKE RIGHT NOW?
>> YES, COLIN.
COLIN, ARE YOU READY TO MEET

>> YES, COLIN.
COLIN, ARE YOU READY TO MEET
COLIN?

COLIN, ARE YOU READY TO MEET
COLIN?
>> OH, I DON'T KNOW.

COLIN?
>> OH, I DON'T KNOW.
I'M SCARED.

>> OH, I DON'T KNOW.
I'M SCARED.
>> COLIN, TAKE MY HAND.

I'M SCARED.
>> COLIN, TAKE MY HAND.
CLOSE YOUR EYES.

>> COLIN, TAKE MY HAND.
CLOSE YOUR EYES.
>> OKAY.

CLOSE YOUR EYES.
>> OKAY.
>> I WANT YOU TO PICTURE

>> OKAY.
>> I WANT YOU TO PICTURE
YOURSELF AFTER THE SHOW TONIGHT,

>> I WANT YOU TO PICTURE
YOURSELF AFTER THE SHOW TONIGHT,
COLIN.

YOURSELF AFTER THE SHOW TONIGHT,
COLIN.
AS USUAL, FANS ARE TAKING

COLIN.
AS USUAL, FANS ARE TAKING
PICTURES WITH CHLOE, SELFIES

AS USUAL, FANS ARE TAKING
PICTURES WITH CHLOE, SELFIES
WITH BOWEN.

PICTURES WITH CHLOE, SELFIES
WITH BOWEN.
YOU STEP OUTSIDE, AND NOT A

WITH BOWEN.
YOU STEP OUTSIDE, AND NOT A
SINGLE BALL FLASHES.

YOU STEP OUTSIDE, AND NOT A
SINGLE BALL FLASHES.
>> THAT'S NOT TRUE.

SINGLE BALL FLASHES.
>> THAT'S NOT TRUE.
>> RELAX.

>> THAT'S NOT TRUE.
>> RELAX.
RELAX YOUR ARMS, RELAX YOUR

>> RELAX.
RELAX YOUR ARMS, RELAX YOUR
BODY, RELAX YOUR ARMS.

RELAX YOUR ARMS, RELAX YOUR
BODY, RELAX YOUR ARMS.
SOFTER THAN I IMAGINED.

BODY, RELAX YOUR ARMS.
SOFTER THAN I IMAGINED.
>> OKAY.

SOFTER THAN I IMAGINED.
>> OKAY.
>> YOU GET INTO YOUR CAR WITHOUT

>> OKAY.
>> YOU GET INTO YOUR CAR WITHOUT
ACKNOWLEDGING YOUR DRIVER.

>> YOU GET INTO YOUR CAR WITHOUT
ACKNOWLEDGING YOUR DRIVER.
HE'S LIKE A SUBHUMAN CREATURE TO

ACKNOWLEDGING YOUR DRIVER.
HE'S LIKE A SUBHUMAN CREATURE TO
YOU.

HE'S LIKE A SUBHUMAN CREATURE TO
YOU.
>> THAT'S NOT TRUE.

YOU.
>> THAT'S NOT TRUE.
>> WHAT'S HIS NAME, COLIN?

>> THAT'S NOT TRUE.
>> WHAT'S HIS NAME, COLIN?
>> IT'S -- LET'S JUST FOCUS ON

>> WHAT'S HIS NAME, COLIN?
>> IT'S -- LET'S JUST FOCUS ON
THE MEDITATION RIGHT NOW.

>> IT'S -- LET'S JUST FOCUS ON
THE MEDITATION RIGHT NOW.
>> YOU GET HOME AND YOU REWATCH

THE MEDITATION RIGHT NOW.
>> YOU GET HOME AND YOU REWATCH
TONIGHT'S UPDATE.

>> YOU GET HOME AND YOU REWATCH
TONIGHT'S UPDATE.
21 LAUGHS FOR MICHAEL, FOUR FOR

TONIGHT'S UPDATE.
21 LAUGHS FOR MICHAEL, FOUR FOR
YOU.

21 LAUGHS FOR MICHAEL, FOUR FOR
YOU.
YOU'RE IMPROVING, BUT IT'S SLOW.

YOU.
YOU'RE IMPROVING, BUT IT'S SLOW.
>> GENESIS, COME ON.

YOU'RE IMPROVING, BUT IT'S SLOW.
>> GENESIS, COME ON.
>> SHH, COLIN, RELAX.

>> GENESIS, COME ON.
>> SHH, COLIN, RELAX.
RELAX.

>> SHH, COLIN, RELAX.
RELAX.
>> I'M RELAXED.

RELAX.
>> I'M RELAXED.
>> RELAX.

>> I'M RELAXED.
>> RELAX.
>> I'M RELAXED.

>> RELAX.
>> I'M RELAXED.
>> REPEAT AFTER ME, I AM COLIN

>> I'M RELAXED.
>> REPEAT AFTER ME, I AM COLIN
JOST.

>> REPEAT AFTER ME, I AM COLIN
JOST.
>> I AM COLIN JOST.

JOST.
>> I AM COLIN JOST.
>> I AM FULL OF LIGHT.

>> I AM COLIN JOST.
>> I AM FULL OF LIGHT.
>> I AM FULL OF LIGHT.

>> I AM FULL OF LIGHT.
>> I AM FULL OF LIGHT.
>> EVERYTHING IN MY LIFE.

>> I AM FULL OF LIGHT.
>> EVERYTHING IN MY LIFE.
>> EVERYTHING IN MY LIFE.

>> EVERYTHING IN MY LIFE.
>> EVERYTHING IN MY LIFE.
>> WAS SIMPLY HANDED TO ME.

>> EVERYTHING IN MY LIFE.
>> WAS SIMPLY HANDED TO ME.
>> I AM NOT SAYING THAT.

>> WAS SIMPLY HANDED TO ME.
>> I AM NOT SAYING THAT.
>> IT'S OKAY, COLIN.

>> I AM NOT SAYING THAT.
>> IT'S OKAY, COLIN.
IT'S NATURAL THE FIGHT AGAINST

>> IT'S OKAY, COLIN.
IT'S NATURAL THE FIGHT AGAINST
THE BREAKTHROUGH.

IT'S NATURAL THE FIGHT AGAINST
THE BREAKTHROUGH.
GIVE ME YOUR HAND.

THE BREAKTHROUGH.
GIVE ME YOUR HAND.
>> YOU'RE ALREADY HOLDING MY

GIVE ME YOUR HAND.
>> YOU'RE ALREADY HOLDING MY
HAND.

>> YOU'RE ALREADY HOLDING MY
HAND.
>> I KNOW.

HAND.
>> I KNOW.
WOW, IT'S SO SOFT.

>> I KNOW.
WOW, IT'S SO SOFT.
YOU'VE NEVER DONE AN HONEST

WOW, IT'S SO SOFT.
YOU'VE NEVER DONE AN HONEST
DAY'S WORK IN YOUR LIFE.

YOU'VE NEVER DONE AN HONEST
DAY'S WORK IN YOUR LIFE.
>> NO, NO.

DAY'S WORK IN YOUR LIFE.
>> NO, NO.
>> RELAX.

>> NO, NO.
>> RELAX.
PICTURE IT, COLIN.

>> RELAX.
PICTURE IT, COLIN.
YOU'RE IN YOUR DRESSING ROOM

PICTURE IT, COLIN.
YOU'RE IN YOUR DRESSING ROOM
AFTER THE SHOW TONIGHT STILL

YOU'RE IN YOUR DRESSING ROOM
AFTER THE SHOW TONIGHT STILL
FUMING ABOUT THE BILINGUAL

AFTER THE SHOW TONIGHT STILL
FUMING ABOUT THE BILINGUAL
MONOLOGUE!

FUMING ABOUT THE BILINGUAL
MONOLOGUE!
>> THAT WOULD NOT UPSET ME!

MONOLOGUE!
>> THAT WOULD NOT UPSET ME!
>> YOU'RE SO ALONE.

>> THAT WOULD NOT UPSET ME!
>> YOU'RE SO ALONE.
THE ONLY PERSON IN THE WORLD WHO

>> YOU'RE SO ALONE.
THE ONLY PERSON IN THE WORLD WHO
CARES ABOUT YOU IS ANTONIO.

THE ONLY PERSON IN THE WORLD WHO
CARES ABOUT YOU IS ANTONIO.
>> WHO IS ANTONIO?

CARES ABOUT YOU IS ANTONIO.
>> WHO IS ANTONIO?
>> YOUR DRIVER, COLIN!

>> WHO IS ANTONIO?
>> YOUR DRIVER, COLIN!
SO SUNDAY MORNING, PICTURE IT,

>> YOUR DRIVER, COLIN!
SO SUNDAY MORNING, PICTURE IT,
COLIN, YOU'RE STANDING IN THE

SO SUNDAY MORNING, PICTURE IT,
COLIN, YOU'RE STANDING IN THE
NBC GIFT SHOP TO SEE IF ANYONE

COLIN, YOU'RE STANDING IN THE
NBC GIFT SHOP TO SEE IF ANYONE
RECOGNIZES YOU.

NBC GIFT SHOP TO SEE IF ANYONE
RECOGNIZES YOU.
>> SUNDAY MORNING?

RECOGNIZES YOU.
>> SUNDAY MORNING?
>> NO ONE DOES.

>> SUNDAY MORNING?
>> NO ONE DOES.
FINALLY, A MAN SEES YOU, HE RUNS

>> NO ONE DOES.
FINALLY, A MAN SEES YOU, HE RUNS
UP TO YOU SO EXCITED.

FINALLY, A MAN SEES YOU, HE RUNS
UP TO YOU SO EXCITED.
COLIN JOST, COLIN JOST, HE SAYS.

UP TO YOU SO EXCITED.
COLIN JOST, COLIN JOST, HE SAYS.
AND HE SERVES YOU WITH COURT

COLIN JOST, COLIN JOST, HE SAYS.
AND HE SERVES YOU WITH COURT
PAPERS.

AND HE SERVES YOU WITH COURT
PAPERS.
>> COURT PAPERS?

PAPERS.
>> COURT PAPERS?
>> TURNS OUT, SOMEONE DOES

>> COURT PAPERS?
>> TURNS OUT, SOMEONE DOES
RECOGNIZE YOU, 32 WOMEN TO BE

>> TURNS OUT, SOMEONE DOES
RECOGNIZE YOU, 32 WOMEN TO BE
EXACT.

RECOGNIZE YOU, 32 WOMEN TO BE
EXACT.
>> YOU'RE MAKING THIS UP.

EXACT.
>> YOU'RE MAKING THIS UP.
>> REPEAT AFTER ME, COLIN.

>> YOU'RE MAKING THIS UP.
>> REPEAT AFTER ME, COLIN.
I AM COLIN JOST.

>> REPEAT AFTER ME, COLIN.
I AM COLIN JOST.
>> I AM COLIN JOST.

I AM COLIN JOST.
>> I AM COLIN JOST.
>> I AM A STAR.

>> I AM COLIN JOST.
>> I AM A STAR.
>> I AM A STAR.

>> I AM A STAR.
>> I AM A STAR.
>> IF YOU WANT TO SHINE LIKE THE

>> I AM A STAR.
>> IF YOU WANT TO SHINE LIKE THE
SUN, FIRST YOU HAVE TO BURN LIKE

>> IF YOU WANT TO SHINE LIKE THE
SUN, FIRST YOU HAVE TO BURN LIKE
IT.

SUN, FIRST YOU HAVE TO BURN LIKE
IT.
>> IF YOU WANT TO SHINE LIKE THE

IT.
>> IF YOU WANT TO SHINE LIKE THE
SUN, FIRST YOU HAVE TO BURN LIKE

>> IF YOU WANT TO SHINE LIKE THE
SUN, FIRST YOU HAVE TO BURN LIKE
IT.

SUN, FIRST YOU HAVE TO BURN LIKE
IT.
>> YOU DID IT, COLIN!

IT.
>> YOU DID IT, COLIN!
YES!

>> YOU DID IT, COLIN!
YES!
>> WOW.

YES!
>> WOW.
I ACTUALLY LOVE THAT LAST QUOTE.

>> WOW.
I ACTUALLY LOVE THAT LAST QUOTE.
DID YOU JUST COME UP WITH THAT?

I ACTUALLY LOVE THAT LAST QUOTE.
DID YOU JUST COME UP WITH THAT?
>> NO.

DID YOU JUST COME UP WITH THAT?
>> NO.
IT'S A FAMOUS HITLER QUOTE,

>> NO.
IT'S A FAMOUS HITLER QUOTE,
COLIN.

IT'S A FAMOUS HITLER QUOTE,
COLIN.
AND NOW IT'S A YOU QUOTE TOO.

COLIN.
AND NOW IT'S A YOU QUOTE TOO.
>> ALL RIGHT.

AND NOW IT'S A YOU QUOTE TOO.
>> ALL RIGHT.
GENESIS FRY, EVERYONE.

>> ALL RIGHT.
GENESIS FRY, EVERYONE.
>> A NEW REPORT FROM THE CDC

GENESIS FRY, EVERYONE.
>> A NEW REPORT FROM THE CDC
SHOWS THAT IN 2021, CASES OF

>> A NEW REPORT FROM THE CDC
SHOWS THAT IN 2021, CASES OF
SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED DISEASES

SHOWS THAT IN 2021, CASES OF
SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED DISEASES
JUMPED BY 7% TO WHAT EXPERTS

SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED DISEASES
JUMPED BY 7% TO WHAT EXPERTS
DESCRIBE AS NURSING HOME LEVELS.

JUMPED BY 7% TO WHAT EXPERTS
DESCRIBE AS NURSING HOME LEVELS.
IT'S HAPPENING, GUYS.

DESCRIBE AS NURSING HOME LEVELS.
IT'S HAPPENING, GUYS.
>> A NEW STUDY SUGGESTS THE

IT'S HAPPENING, GUYS.
>> A NEW STUDY SUGGESTS THE
AVERAGE MAN EXAGGERATES THE

>> A NEW STUDY SUGGESTS THE
AVERAGE MAN EXAGGERATES THE
LENGTH OF THEIR PENIS BY 20%,

AVERAGE MAN EXAGGERATES THE
LENGTH OF THEIR PENIS BY 20%,
BUT AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO ADD

LENGTH OF THEIR PENIS BY 20%,
BUT AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO ADD
20% FOR TIP?

BUT AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO ADD
20% FOR TIP?
>> TWO 81-YEAR-OLD WOMEN HAVE

20% FOR TIP?
>> TWO 81-YEAR-OLD WOMEN HAVE
TRAVELED THE WORLD IN 80 DAYS

>> TWO 81-YEAR-OLD WOMEN HAVE
TRAVELED THE WORLD IN 80 DAYS
AFTER THE POST OFFICE LOST THEIR

TRAVELED THE WORLD IN 80 DAYS
AFTER THE POST OFFICE LOST THEIR
ASHES.

AFTER THE POST OFFICE LOST THEIR
ASHES.
>> A GROUP OF HIKERS IN GREAT

ASHES.
>> A GROUP OF HIKERS IN GREAT
BRITAIN HAD TO BE RESCUED WHEN

>> A GROUP OF HIKERS IN GREAT
BRITAIN HAD TO BE RESCUED WHEN
THEY GOT LOST AFTER TAKING

BRITAIN HAD TO BE RESCUED WHEN
THEY GOT LOST AFTER TAKING
PSYCHEDELIC MUSHROOMS.

THEY GOT LOST AFTER TAKING
PSYCHEDELIC MUSHROOMS.
MORE EMBARRASSING, THEY NEVER

PSYCHEDELIC MUSHROOMS.
MORE EMBARRASSING, THEY NEVER
ACTUALLY LEFT THE HOUSE.

MORE EMBARRASSING, THEY NEVER
ACTUALLY LEFT THE HOUSE.
AND POLICE IN AUSTRALIA ARRESTED

ACTUALLY LEFT THE HOUSE.
AND POLICE IN AUSTRALIA ARRESTED
A MAN AFTER HE WAS CAUGHT AT A

AND POLICE IN AUSTRALIA ARRESTED
A MAN AFTER HE WAS CAUGHT AT A
BUS STOP MASTURBATING FOR OVER

A MAN AFTER HE WAS CAUGHT AT A
BUS STOP MASTURBATING FOR OVER
AN HOUR.

BUS STOP MASTURBATING FOR OVER
AN HOUR.
AUSTRALIA, WHERE THE POLICE LET

AN HOUR.
AUSTRALIA, WHERE THE POLICE LET
YOU FINISH.

AUSTRALIA, WHERE THE POLICE LET
YOU FINISH.
>> SINCE THE START OF THIS YEAR,

YOU FINISH.
>> SINCE THE START OF THIS YEAR,
OVER 400 ANTI --

>> SINCE THE START OF THIS YEAR,
OVER 400 ANTI --
[ LAUGHTER ]

OVER 400 ANTI --
[ LAUGHTER ]
SINCE THE START OF THIS YEAR,

[ LAUGHTER ]
SINCE THE START OF THIS YEAR,
OVER 400 ANTI-LBGTQ BILLS HAVE

SINCE THE START OF THIS YEAR,
OVER 400 ANTI-LBGTQ BILLS HAVE
BEEN INTRODUCED ACROSS THE

OVER 400 ANTI-LBGTQ BILLS HAVE
BEEN INTRODUCED ACROSS THE
COUNTRY, MANY OF WHICH TARGET

BEEN INTRODUCED ACROSS THE
COUNTRY, MANY OF WHICH TARGET
TRANSYOUTH.

COUNTRY, MANY OF WHICH TARGET
TRANSYOUTH.
HERE TO TALK ABOUT IT IS SOMEONE

TRANSYOUTH.
HERE TO TALK ABOUT IT IS SOMEONE
WITH THEIR OWN INTRODUCTION.

HERE TO TALK ABOUT IT IS SOMEONE
WITH THEIR OWN INTRODUCTION.
>> INTRODUCING SNL'S FIRST

WITH THEIR OWN INTRODUCTION.
>> INTRODUCING SNL'S FIRST
NONBINARY CAST MEMBER.

>> INTRODUCING SNL'S FIRST
NONBINARY CAST MEMBER.
IT'S MOLLY KEARNEY!

NONBINARY CAST MEMBER.
IT'S MOLLY KEARNEY!
>> THANK YOU, MR. CHE.

IT'S MOLLY KEARNEY!
>> THANK YOU, MR. CHE.
>> MOLLY, WHAT IS ALL THIS.

>> THANK YOU, MR. CHE.
>> MOLLY, WHAT IS ALL THIS.
>> WELL, AS YOU KNOW, I HAVE

>> MOLLY, WHAT IS ALL THIS.
>> WELL, AS YOU KNOW, I HAVE
BEEN WANTING TO COME TO UPDATE

>> WELL, AS YOU KNOW, I HAVE
BEEN WANTING TO COME TO UPDATE
AND TALK ABOUT TRANSPEOPLE, BUT

BEEN WANTING TO COME TO UPDATE
AND TALK ABOUT TRANSPEOPLE, BUT
I HAVE FOR A MUCH LONGER TIME

AND TALK ABOUT TRANSPEOPLE, BUT
I HAVE FOR A MUCH LONGER TIME
THAN THAT WANTED TO FLY DOWN

I HAVE FOR A MUCH LONGER TIME
THAN THAT WANTED TO FLY DOWN
FROM THE CEILING.

THAN THAT WANTED TO FLY DOWN
FROM THE CEILING.
>> DID IT LIVE UP TO YOUR

FROM THE CEILING.
>> DID IT LIVE UP TO YOUR
EXPECTATIONS?

>> DID IT LIVE UP TO YOUR
EXPECTATIONS?
>> YEAH.

EXPECTATIONS?
>> YEAH.
BUT THIS HARNESS IS PRETTY TIGHT

>> YEAH.
BUT THIS HARNESS IS PRETTY TIGHT
AND MY GROIN AREA IS BEEFED.

BUT THIS HARNESS IS PRETTY TIGHT
AND MY GROIN AREA IS BEEFED.
I HAVE BEEN HUNG UP ON MY

AND MY GROIN AREA IS BEEFED.
I HAVE BEEN HUNG UP ON MY
GENITALS FOR FAR TOO LONG, AND

I HAVE BEEN HUNG UP ON MY
GENITALS FOR FAR TOO LONG, AND
I'M STARTING TO FEEL LIKE A

GENITALS FOR FAR TOO LONG, AND
I'M STARTING TO FEEL LIKE A
FREAKING REPUBLICAN LAWMAKER.

I'M STARTING TO FEEL LIKE A
FREAKING REPUBLICAN LAWMAKER.
HELLO.

FREAKING REPUBLICAN LAWMAKER.
HELLO.
>> THAT'S AN AWESOME TRANSITION.

HELLO.
>> THAT'S AN AWESOME TRANSITION.
AS OF THIS WEEK, THERE ARE NOW

>> THAT'S AN AWESOME TRANSITION.
AS OF THIS WEEK, THERE ARE NOW
OVER 14 STATES THAT HAVE PASSED

AS OF THIS WEEK, THERE ARE NOW
OVER 14 STATES THAT HAVE PASSED
BILLS RESTRICTING HEALTH CARE

OVER 14 STATES THAT HAVE PASSED
BILLS RESTRICTING HEALTH CARE
FOR TRANSKIDS.

BILLS RESTRICTING HEALTH CARE
FOR TRANSKIDS.
>> LISTEN TO THAT, MICHAEL,

FOR TRANSKIDS.
>> LISTEN TO THAT, MICHAEL,
RESTRICTING HEALTH CARE FOR

>> LISTEN TO THAT, MICHAEL,
RESTRICTING HEALTH CARE FOR
KIDS.

RESTRICTING HEALTH CARE FOR
KIDS.
FOR SOME REASON, THERE'S

KIDS.
FOR SOME REASON, THERE'S
SOMETHING ABOUT THE WORD TRANS

FOR SOME REASON, THERE'S
SOMETHING ABOUT THE WORD TRANS
THAT MAKES PEOPLE FORGET THE

SOMETHING ABOUT THE WORD TRANS
THAT MAKES PEOPLE FORGET THE
WORD KIDS.

THAT MAKES PEOPLE FORGET THE
WORD KIDS.
IF YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT

WORD KIDS.
IF YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT
TRANSKIDS LIVES, IT MEANS YOU

IF YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT
TRANSKIDS LIVES, IT MEANS YOU
DON'T CARE ABOUT FREAKING KIDS'

TRANSKIDS LIVES, IT MEANS YOU
DON'T CARE ABOUT FREAKING KIDS'
LIVES.

DON'T CARE ABOUT FREAKING KIDS'
LIVES.
>> WOW.

LIVES.
>> WOW.
I CAN TELL YOU'RE REALLY UPSET

>> WOW.
I CAN TELL YOU'RE REALLY UPSET
ABOUT THAT.

I CAN TELL YOU'RE REALLY UPSET
ABOUT THAT.
>> I AM!

ABOUT THAT.
>> I AM!
AND ALSO, MY LEGS ARE GOING

>> I AM!
AND ALSO, MY LEGS ARE GOING
NUMB, AND I MIGHT PASS OUT.

AND ALSO, MY LEGS ARE GOING
NUMB, AND I MIGHT PASS OUT.
>> HOW LONG WERE YOU HANGING UP

NUMB, AND I MIGHT PASS OUT.
>> HOW LONG WERE YOU HANGING UP
THERE?

>> HOW LONG WERE YOU HANGING UP
THERE?
>> LONGER THAN I WOULD HAVE

THERE?
>> LONGER THAN I WOULD HAVE
LIKED.

>> LONGER THAN I WOULD HAVE
LIKED.
I TRIED TO CALL DOWN, BUT NO ONE

LIKED.
I TRIED TO CALL DOWN, BUT NO ONE
COULD HEAR ME.

I TRIED TO CALL DOWN, BUT NO ONE
COULD HEAR ME.
AT ONE POINT, I HEARD A CREW GUY

COULD HEAR ME.
AT ONE POINT, I HEARD A CREW GUY
SAY, IS SHE GONNA DIE UP THERE.

AT ONE POINT, I HEARD A CREW GUY
SAY, IS SHE GONNA DIE UP THERE.
AND THEN ANOTHER GUY WAS LIKE,

SAY, IS SHE GONNA DIE UP THERE.
AND THEN ANOTHER GUY WAS LIKE,
YOU MEAN, ARE THEY GONNA DIE UP

AND THEN ANOTHER GUY WAS LIKE,
YOU MEAN, ARE THEY GONNA DIE UP
THERE.

YOU MEAN, ARE THEY GONNA DIE UP
THERE.
AND THEN THEY BOTH WALKED AWAY

THERE.
AND THEN THEY BOTH WALKED AWAY
AND DIDN'T HELP, WHICH FEELS A

AND THEN THEY BOTH WALKED AWAY
AND DIDN'T HELP, WHICH FEELS A
LOT LIKE HOW TRANSPEOPLE ARE

AND DIDN'T HELP, WHICH FEELS A
LOT LIKE HOW TRANSPEOPLE ARE
BEING TREATED RIGHT NOW.

LOT LIKE HOW TRANSPEOPLE ARE
BEING TREATED RIGHT NOW.
BUT DON'T WORRY.

BEING TREATED RIGHT NOW.
BUT DON'T WORRY.
WE HAVE A CODE WORD FOR

BUT DON'T WORRY.
WE HAVE A CODE WORD FOR
EMERGENCIES, AND IT WAS

WE HAVE A CODE WORD FOR
EMERGENCIES, AND IT WAS
TRANSRIGHTS.

EMERGENCIES, AND IT WAS
TRANSRIGHTS.
OH, MY GOSH.

TRANSRIGHTS.
OH, MY GOSH.
GOOD GOLLY!

OH, MY GOSH.
GOOD GOLLY!
THAT WAS THE CODE FOR CONFETTI!

GOOD GOLLY!
THAT WAS THE CODE FOR CONFETTI!
MY BAD.

THAT WAS THE CODE FOR CONFETTI!
MY BAD.
>> THAT WAS SO LOUD.

MY BAD.
>> THAT WAS SO LOUD.
>> WELL, YEAH.

>> THAT WAS SO LOUD.
>> WELL, YEAH.
PEOPLE NEED TO WAKE UP!

>> WELL, YEAH.
PEOPLE NEED TO WAKE UP!
WE ARE MAKING TRANS KIDS GROW UP

PEOPLE NEED TO WAKE UP!
WE ARE MAKING TRANS KIDS GROW UP
TOO FAST.

WE ARE MAKING TRANS KIDS GROW UP
TOO FAST.
WE SHOULD BE KEEPING THEM SAFE,

TOO FAST.
WE SHOULD BE KEEPING THEM SAFE,
AND WE NEED TO LIFT THEM UP.

WE SHOULD BE KEEPING THEM SAFE,
AND WE NEED TO LIFT THEM UP.
NOT ME, THEM.

AND WE NEED TO LIFT THEM UP.
NOT ME, THEM.
I MEAN THE KIDS!

NOT ME, THEM.
I MEAN THE KIDS!
THEY GOT MY PRONOUNS RIGHT,

I MEAN THE KIDS!
THEY GOT MY PRONOUNS RIGHT,
LET'S GO!

THEY GOT MY PRONOUNS RIGHT,
LET'S GO!
WAIT A MINUTE.

LET'S GO!
WAIT A MINUTE.
BEFORE I GO.

WAIT A MINUTE.
BEFORE I GO.
I WANT TO TALK TO YOU.

BEFORE I GO.
I WANT TO TALK TO YOU.
WHAT'S HAPPENING, KIDS, IS

I WANT TO TALK TO YOU.
WHAT'S HAPPENING, KIDS, IS
WRONG.

WHAT'S HAPPENING, KIDS, IS
WRONG.
AND YOU DON'T NEED TO BE SCARED.

WRONG.
AND YOU DON'T NEED TO BE SCARED.
OUR JOB IS TO PROTECT YOU, AND

AND YOU DON'T NEED TO BE SCARED.
OUR JOB IS TO PROTECT YOU, AND
YOUR JOB IS TO FOCUS ON BEING A

OUR JOB IS TO PROTECT YOU, AND
YOUR JOB IS TO FOCUS ON BEING A
KID.

YOUR JOB IS TO FOCUS ON BEING A
KID.
IT'S KIND OF LIKE ME FLYING IN

KID.
IT'S KIND OF LIKE ME FLYING IN
THE SNL SKY.

IT'S KIND OF LIKE ME FLYING IN
THE SNL SKY.
THERE'S A BUNCH OF DUDES ASKING

THE SNL SKY.
THERE'S A BUNCH OF DUDES ASKING
YOU ABOUT YOUR CROTCH AND

THERE'S A BUNCH OF DUDES ASKING
YOU ABOUT YOUR CROTCH AND
CONTROLLING WHEN AND WHERE YOU

YOU ABOUT YOUR CROTCH AND
CONTROLLING WHEN AND WHERE YOU
GET TO PEE.

CONTROLLING WHEN AND WHERE YOU
GET TO PEE.
IF YOU JUST HANG ON, YOU'LL LOOK

GET TO PEE.
IF YOU JUST HANG ON, YOU'LL LOOK
UP AND REALIZE, YOU'RE FLYING,

IF YOU JUST HANG ON, YOU'LL LOOK
UP AND REALIZE, YOU'RE FLYING,
KID.

UP AND REALIZE, YOU'RE FLYING,
KID.
HEY, MR. CHE, AND I STILL IN THE

KID.
HEY, MR. CHE, AND I STILL IN THE
FRAME?

HEY, MR. CHE, AND I STILL IN THE
FRAME?
>> YOUR FEET A

>>> OH, MY GOSH.
THIS WEDDING HAS BEEN UNREAL.
NADINE IS SUCH A BEAUTIFUL

THIS WEDDING HAS BEEN UNREAL.
NADINE IS SUCH A BEAUTIFUL
BRIDE.

NADINE IS SUCH A BEAUTIFUL
BRIDE.
>> CHANDLER IS ONE LUCKY GUY.

BRIDE.
>> CHANDLER IS ONE LUCKY GUY.
>> HE SURE IS.

>> CHANDLER IS ONE LUCKY GUY.
>> HE SURE IS.
HEY, SHINA, BY THE WAY, I KNOW

>> HE SURE IS.
HEY, SHINA, BY THE WAY, I KNOW
IT'S TOUGH COMING TO A WEDDING

HEY, SHINA, BY THE WAY, I KNOW
IT'S TOUGH COMING TO A WEDDING
AFTER A BREAKUP, BUT I THINK

IT'S TOUGH COMING TO A WEDDING
AFTER A BREAKUP, BUT I THINK
IT'S SO SWEET YOUR BABY SISTER

AFTER A BREAKUP, BUT I THINK
IT'S SO SWEET YOUR BABY SISTER
CAME ALL THE WAY HERE TO BE YOUR

IT'S SO SWEET YOUR BABY SISTER
CAME ALL THE WAY HERE TO BE YOUR
DATE.

CAME ALL THE WAY HERE TO BE YOUR
DATE.
LISA, IT'S SO NICE TO MEET YOU.

DATE.
LISA, IT'S SO NICE TO MEET YOU.
>> YEAH.

LISA, IT'S SO NICE TO MEET YOU.
>> YEAH.
THAT'S CUTE.

>> YEAH.
THAT'S CUTE.
BUT MY BOX IS CLOSED TONIGHT.

THAT'S CUTE.
BUT MY BOX IS CLOSED TONIGHT.
>> I'M SORRY.

BUT MY BOX IS CLOSED TONIGHT.
>> I'M SORRY.
WHAT?

>> I'M SORRY.
WHAT?
>> KELLY, GIRL.

WHAT?
>> KELLY, GIRL.
PAY NO MIND TO MY SISTER.

>> KELLY, GIRL.
PAY NO MIND TO MY SISTER.
SHE'S SUCH A JOKESTER.

PAY NO MIND TO MY SISTER.
SHE'S SUCH A JOKESTER.
>> ALL RIGHT, MA'AM.

SHE'S SUCH A JOKESTER.
>> ALL RIGHT, MA'AM.
THIS IS ALL THE DRESSING WE

>> ALL RIGHT, MA'AM.
THIS IS ALL THE DRESSING WE
COULD FIND IN THE KITCHEN.

THIS IS ALL THE DRESSING WE
COULD FIND IN THE KITCHEN.
>> WHY IS THIS RANCH BLACK?

COULD FIND IN THE KITCHEN.
>> WHY IS THIS RANCH BLACK?
>> IT'S BALSAMIC.

>> WHY IS THIS RANCH BLACK?
>> IT'S BALSAMIC.
>> YOU REALLY LIKE YOUR

>> IT'S BALSAMIC.
>> YOU REALLY LIKE YOUR
DRESSING, HUH?

>> YOU REALLY LIKE YOUR
DRESSING, HUH?
>> YEAH, EVERYONE ELSE IS JUST

DRESSING, HUH?
>> YEAH, EVERYONE ELSE IS JUST
EATING THE SALAD AS SERVED.

>> YEAH, EVERYONE ELSE IS JUST
EATING THE SALAD AS SERVED.
>> AND EVERYONE ELSE IS ABOUT TO

EATING THE SALAD AS SERVED.
>> AND EVERYONE ELSE IS ABOUT TO
BE SICK.

>> AND EVERYONE ELSE IS ABOUT TO
BE SICK.
NOT ME.

BE SICK.
NOT ME.
TOSS MY SALAD.

NOT ME.
TOSS MY SALAD.
THE MORE DRESSING YOU PUT ON IT,

TOSS MY SALAD.
THE MORE DRESSING YOU PUT ON IT,
THE LESS LIKELY YOU ARE TO GET

THE MORE DRESSING YOU PUT ON IT,
THE LESS LIKELY YOU ARE TO GET
ECOLI.

THE LESS LIKELY YOU ARE TO GET
ECOLI.
I NEED TO STAY HEALTHY.

ECOLI.
I NEED TO STAY HEALTHY.
I GOT TO BE IN COURT IN THE

I NEED TO STAY HEALTHY.
I GOT TO BE IN COURT IN THE
MORNING.

I GOT TO BE IN COURT IN THE
MORNING.
>> LISA IS THE LEAD LITIGATOR ON

MORNING.
>> LISA IS THE LEAD LITIGATOR ON
A CLASS ACTION SUIT AGAINST

>> LISA IS THE LEAD LITIGATOR ON
A CLASS ACTION SUIT AGAINST
BUILD-A-BEAR.

A CLASS ACTION SUIT AGAINST
BUILD-A-BEAR.
>> THEY GAVE A BUNCH OF

BUILD-A-BEAR.
>> THEY GAVE A BUNCH OF
BUILD-A-BEARS TO BALD KIDS, AND

>> THEY GAVE A BUNCH OF
BUILD-A-BEARS TO BALD KIDS, AND
I AIN'T GOT TO TELL YOU WHAT

BUILD-A-BEARS TO BALD KIDS, AND
I AIN'T GOT TO TELL YOU WHAT
HAPPENED NEXT.

I AIN'T GOT TO TELL YOU WHAT
HAPPENED NEXT.
>> THAT IS REALLY GREAT WORK.

HAPPENED NEXT.
>> THAT IS REALLY GREAT WORK.
>> SIS, SWITCH ME SEATS, YOUR

>> THAT IS REALLY GREAT WORK.
>> SIS, SWITCH ME SEATS, YOUR
LESBIAN FRIEND IS TRYING TO GET

>> SIS, SWITCH ME SEATS, YOUR
LESBIAN FRIEND IS TRYING TO GET
THE BOX TONIGHT.

LESBIAN FRIEND IS TRYING TO GET
THE BOX TONIGHT.
IT AIN'T HAPPENING, BOO.

THE BOX TONIGHT.
IT AIN'T HAPPENING, BOO.
>> DO I COME OFF FLIRTING?

IT AIN'T HAPPENING, BOO.
>> DO I COME OFF FLIRTING?
BECAUSE I'M NOT.

>> DO I COME OFF FLIRTING?
BECAUSE I'M NOT.
>> KELLY, YOU'RE FINE.

BECAUSE I'M NOT.
>> KELLY, YOU'RE FINE.
LISA, CAN YOU PLEASE CHILL?

>> KELLY, YOU'RE FINE.
LISA, CAN YOU PLEASE CHILL?
>> WHATEVER.

LISA, CAN YOU PLEASE CHILL?
>> WHATEVER.
I'M GOING TO SIT BACK, RELAX,

>> WHATEVER.
I'M GOING TO SIT BACK, RELAX,
AND FIX THIS SALAD.

I'M GOING TO SIT BACK, RELAX,
AND FIX THIS SALAD.
OKAY?

AND FIX THIS SALAD.
OKAY?
HOLD ON.

OKAY?
HOLD ON.
HUH-HUH.

HOLD ON.
HUH-HUH.
WHO THOUGHT THIS WAS A GOOD

HUH-HUH.
WHO THOUGHT THIS WAS A GOOD
IDEA?

WHO THOUGHT THIS WAS A GOOD
IDEA?
RAW SOLOMON.

IDEA?
RAW SOLOMON.
>> WELL, IT'S SMOKED.

RAW SOLOMON.
>> WELL, IT'S SMOKED.
>> SMOKED.

>> WELL, IT'S SMOKED.
>> SMOKED.
PINK AS IT IS, LOOK LIKE A FRUIT

>> SMOKED.
PINK AS IT IS, LOOK LIKE A FRUIT
ROLLUP, HUH-HUH.

PINK AS IT IS, LOOK LIKE A FRUIT
ROLLUP, HUH-HUH.
COOK MY MEAT.

ROLLUP, HUH-HUH.
COOK MY MEAT.
I'M GOING TO MIX THIS ALL UP FOR

COOK MY MEAT.
I'M GOING TO MIX THIS ALL UP FOR
ALL OF US.

I'M GOING TO MIX THIS ALL UP FOR
ALL OF US.
YEAH?

ALL OF US.
YEAH?
OKAY.

YEAH?
OKAY.
>> WELL, ANYWAYS, I HAVE TO TELL

OKAY.
>> WELL, ANYWAYS, I HAVE TO TELL
YOU GUYS ABOUT THIS EMBARRASSING

>> WELL, ANYWAYS, I HAVE TO TELL
YOU GUYS ABOUT THIS EMBARRASSING
DATE I WENT ON.

YOU GUYS ABOUT THIS EMBARRASSING
DATE I WENT ON.
>> THIS ABOUT TO BE A MEAN ASS

DATE I WENT ON.
>> THIS ABOUT TO BE A MEAN ASS
SALAD.

>> THIS ABOUT TO BE A MEAN ASS
SALAD.
>> SO WE WENT TO A MOVIE AND

SALAD.
>> SO WE WENT TO A MOVIE AND
ENDED UP BACK AT MY PLACE.

>> SO WE WENT TO A MOVIE AND
ENDED UP BACK AT MY PLACE.
AS SOON AS WE WALKED IN, A MOUSE

ENDED UP BACK AT MY PLACE.
AS SOON AS WE WALKED IN, A MOUSE
RUNS ACROSS --

AS SOON AS WE WALKED IN, A MOUSE
RUNS ACROSS --
>> YOU GOT ANY RANCH ON YOU?

RUNS ACROSS --
>> YOU GOT ANY RANCH ON YOU?
>> CAN YOU PLEASE JUST EAT?

>> YOU GOT ANY RANCH ON YOU?
>> CAN YOU PLEASE JUST EAT?
>> BUT I NEED RANCH.

>> CAN YOU PLEASE JUST EAT?
>> BUT I NEED RANCH.
EVERYBODY KNOWS LETTUCE IS NASTY

>> BUT I NEED RANCH.
EVERYBODY KNOWS LETTUCE IS NASTY
WITHOUT RANCH.

EVERYBODY KNOWS LETTUCE IS NASTY
WITHOUT RANCH.
>> NOW I'M WORRIED THAT HE SAW

WITHOUT RANCH.
>> NOW I'M WORRIED THAT HE SAW
THE MOUSE.

>> NOW I'M WORRIED THAT HE SAW
THE MOUSE.
BUT THEN HE'S LIKE, NO, NO, IT'S

THE MOUSE.
BUT THEN HE'S LIKE, NO, NO, IT'S
FINE.

BUT THEN HE'S LIKE, NO, NO, IT'S
FINE.
WE'LL JUST GO TO MY PLACE.

FINE.
WE'LL JUST GO TO MY PLACE.
>> WOW, WHAT A GENTLEMAN.

WE'LL JUST GO TO MY PLACE.
>> WOW, WHAT A GENTLEMAN.
>> SMART MAN.

>> WOW, WHAT A GENTLEMAN.
>> SMART MAN.
>> COME ON, SIS.

>> SMART MAN.
>> COME ON, SIS.
WHAT HAPPENED TO US JUST

>> COME ON, SIS.
WHAT HAPPENED TO US JUST
CHILLING?

WHAT HAPPENED TO US JUST
CHILLING?
>> I AM CHILLING.

CHILLING?
>> I AM CHILLING.
I'M CHILLIN.

>> I AM CHILLING.
I'M CHILLIN.
WHAT?

I'M CHILLIN.
WHAT?
I'M CHILLIN.

WHAT?
I'M CHILLIN.
I'M MINDING MY BUSINESS.

I'M CHILLIN.
I'M MINDING MY BUSINESS.
THIS SALAD GOING TO BE ALL

I'M MINDING MY BUSINESS.
THIS SALAD GOING TO BE ALL
RIGHT, BUT I'M GOING TO NEED IT

THIS SALAD GOING TO BE ALL
RIGHT, BUT I'M GOING TO NEED IT
TO BE BUSSIN.

RIGHT, BUT I'M GOING TO NEED IT
TO BE BUSSIN.
I HEARD THE GIRL.

TO BE BUSSIN.
I HEARD THE GIRL.
SHE SAID HER HOUSE IS DIRTY.

I HEARD THE GIRL.
SHE SAID HER HOUSE IS DIRTY.
>> LISA.

SHE SAID HER HOUSE IS DIRTY.
>> LISA.
OKAY.

>> LISA.
OKAY.
ALL RIGHT.

OKAY.
ALL RIGHT.
LISA, CAN YOU PLEASE JUST --

ALL RIGHT.
LISA, CAN YOU PLEASE JUST --
>> I NEED THE LERJ.

LISA, CAN YOU PLEASE JUST --
>> I NEED THE LERJ.

>> I NEED THE LERJ.

I NEED THE LEVERAGE.
WHAT?

I NEED THE LEVERAGE.
WHAT?
GIRL, I HEARD THE GIRL.

WHAT?
GIRL, I HEARD THE GIRL.
CARMEN SAN DIEGO TRYING TO GET

GIRL, I HEARD THE GIRL.
CARMEN SAN DIEGO TRYING TO GET
THE BOX WHILE SHE GOT

CARMEN SAN DIEGO TRYING TO GET
THE BOX WHILE SHE GOT
RATATOUILLE AS HE ROOMMATE.

THE BOX WHILE SHE GOT
RATATOUILLE AS HE ROOMMATE.
>> WHAT HAPPENED?

RATATOUILLE AS HE ROOMMATE.
>> WHAT HAPPENED?
A PIECE OF SALMON HIT MY MOTHER.

>> WHAT HAPPENED?
A PIECE OF SALMON HIT MY MOTHER.
>> THIS WEDDING IS A MESS.

A PIECE OF SALMON HIT MY MOTHER.
>> THIS WEDDING IS A MESS.
PEOPLE GETTING HIT WITH SOLOMON

>> THIS WEDDING IS A MESS.
PEOPLE GETTING HIT WITH SOLOMON
AND THEY PUT RAW SOLOMON IN MY

PEOPLE GETTING HIT WITH SOLOMON
AND THEY PUT RAW SOLOMON IN MY
SALAD.

AND THEY PUT RAW SOLOMON IN MY
SALAD.
>> IS SHE SAYING SALMON?

SALAD.
>> IS SHE SAYING SALMON?
>> THIS IS RUINING OUR SPECIAL

>> IS SHE SAYING SALMON?
>> THIS IS RUINING OUR SPECIAL
DAY.

>> THIS IS RUINING OUR SPECIAL
DAY.
>> OH, BECAUSE WE GAY?

DAY.
>> OH, BECAUSE WE GAY?
>> NO.

>> OH, BECAUSE WE GAY?
>> NO.
WE'RE RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF OUR

>> NO.
WE'RE RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF OUR
FIRST DANCE.

WE'RE RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF OUR
FIRST DANCE.
>> WHY YOU OVER HERE TALKING TO

FIRST DANCE.
>> WHY YOU OVER HERE TALKING TO
ME?

>> WHY YOU OVER HERE TALKING TO
ME?
DANCE, BITCH.

ME?
DANCE, BITCH.
Y'ALL SEE THIS, RIGHT?

DANCE, BITCH.
Y'ALL SEE THIS, RIGHT?
THERE IS CHAMPAGNE ALL IN THE

Y'ALL SEE THIS, RIGHT?
THERE IS CHAMPAGNE ALL IN THE
FOOD, VEGETABLES EVERYWHERE.

THERE IS CHAMPAGNE ALL IN THE
FOOD, VEGETABLES EVERYWHERE.
THAT MARRIAGE IS DOOMED.

FOOD, VEGETABLES EVERYWHERE.
THAT MARRIAGE IS DOOMED.
>> I UNDERSTAND THAT YOU DON'T

THAT MARRIAGE IS DOOMED.
>> I UNDERSTAND THAT YOU DON'T
WANT TO GET SICK, BUT THIS IS

>> I UNDERSTAND THAT YOU DON'T
WANT TO GET SICK, BUT THIS IS
ALL KIND OF YOUR FAULT.

WANT TO GET SICK, BUT THIS IS
ALL KIND OF YOUR FAULT.
>> YEAH.

ALL KIND OF YOUR FAULT.
>> YEAH.
YOU HAVE BEEN DRESSING THAT

>> YEAH.
YOU HAVE BEEN DRESSING THAT
SALAD IN A REALLY INSANE WAY.

YOU HAVE BEEN DRESSING THAT
SALAD IN A REALLY INSANE WAY.
>> HOLD ON.

SALAD IN A REALLY INSANE WAY.
>> HOLD ON.
I'M NOT ABOUT TO LET Y'ALL

>> HOLD ON.
I'M NOT ABOUT TO LET Y'ALL
ATTACK MY SISTER, LISA WHO CAME

I'M NOT ABOUT TO LET Y'ALL
ATTACK MY SISTER, LISA WHO CAME
ALL THE WAY OUT HERE FROM

ATTACK MY SISTER, LISA WHO CAME
ALL THE WAY OUT HERE FROM
TEMECULA TO BE MY DATE.

ALL THE WAY OUT HERE FROM
TEMECULA TO BE MY DATE.
MAYBE SHE'S THE TYPE OF SISTER

TEMECULA TO BE MY DATE.
MAYBE SHE'S THE TYPE OF SISTER
THAT CAN'T TAKE NOWHERE.

MAYBE SHE'S THE TYPE OF SISTER
THAT CAN'T TAKE NOWHERE.
>> I KNOW THAT'S RIGHT.

THAT CAN'T TAKE NOWHERE.
>> I KNOW THAT'S RIGHT.
>> OH, MY GOD.

>> I KNOW THAT'S RIGHT.
>> OH, MY GOD.
MAYBE SHE'S SUCH A BAD LISTENER

>> OH, MY GOD.
MAYBE SHE'S SUCH A BAD LISTENER
IT MAKES YOU WONDER IS THIS

MAYBE SHE'S SUCH A BAD LISTENER
IT MAKES YOU WONDER IS THIS
WOMAN HARD OF HEARING?

IT MAKES YOU WONDER IS THIS
WOMAN HARD OF HEARING?
>> I KNOW THAT'S RIGHT.

WOMAN HARD OF HEARING?
>> I KNOW THAT'S RIGHT.
>> BUT WHEN IT'S ALL SAID AND

>> I KNOW THAT'S RIGHT.
>> BUT WHEN IT'S ALL SAID AND
DONE, THIS MY BLOOD RIGHT HERE,

>> BUT WHEN IT'S ALL SAID AND
DONE, THIS MY BLOOD RIGHT HERE,
AND SHE BETTER NOT HAVE ONE DRY

DONE, THIS MY BLOOD RIGHT HERE,
AND SHE BETTER NOT HAVE ONE DRY
LEAF IN THAT DAMN BOWL.

AND SHE BETTER NOT HAVE ONE DRY
LEAF IN THAT DAMN BOWL.
>> TOSS MY SALAD.

LEAF IN THAT DAMN BOWL.
>> TOSS MY SALAD.
YOU KNOW WHAT?

>> TOSS MY SALAD.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
Y'ALL DONE PISSED ME OFF.

YOU KNOW WHAT?
Y'ALL DONE PISSED ME OFF.
I LOST MY APPETITE.

Y'ALL DONE PISSED ME OFF.
I LOST MY APPETITE.
I'M LEAVING.

I LOST MY APPETITE.
I'M LEAVING.
>> WHERE IS SHE FROM AGAIN?

I'M LEAVING.
>> WHERE IS SHE FROM AGAIN?
>> TEMECULA!

>>> IS YOUR DOG HOT AND IT KNOWS
IT?
>> HAS IT CRUISED BY ON LOOKS

IT?
>> HAS IT CRUISED BY ON LOOKS
ITS ENTIRE LIFE?

>> HAS IT CRUISED BY ON LOOKS
ITS ENTIRE LIFE?
>> DO YOU CATCH YOUR DOG LOOKING

ITS ENTIRE LIFE?
>> DO YOU CATCH YOUR DOG LOOKING
AT ITSELF IN THE MIRROR?

>> DO YOU CATCH YOUR DOG LOOKING
AT ITSELF IN THE MIRROR?
>> BUT IT SUCKS IN ITS CHEEKS

AT ITSELF IN THE MIRROR?
>> BUT IT SUCKS IN ITS CHEEKS
LIKE THIS?

>> BUT IT SUCKS IN ITS CHEEKS
LIKE THIS?
THEN YOUR DOG MIGHT BE THE

LIKE THIS?
THEN YOUR DOG MIGHT BE THE
PERFECT CANDIDATE FOR ENTER

THEN YOUR DOG MIGHT BE THE
PERFECT CANDIDATE FOR ENTER
STAGE WOOF, ACTING SCHOOL FOR

PERFECT CANDIDATE FOR ENTER
STAGE WOOF, ACTING SCHOOL FOR
DOGS.

STAGE WOOF, ACTING SCHOOL FOR
DOGS.
>> I'M YOLANDA BATISTA, AND I'M

DOGS.
>> I'M YOLANDA BATISTA, AND I'M
DONNA COLONOSCOPINI.

>> I'M YOLANDA BATISTA, AND I'M
DONNA COLONOSCOPINI.
>> GET IN HERE, HENRY.

DONNA COLONOSCOPINI.
>> GET IN HERE, HENRY.
NOW, SURE, SURE.

>> GET IN HERE, HENRY.
NOW, SURE, SURE.
OH, HENRY, OH, OH.

NOW, SURE, SURE.
OH, HENRY, OH, OH.
HENRY'S DOING A LITTLE IMPROV.

OH, HENRY, OH, OH.
HENRY'S DOING A LITTLE IMPROV.
SURE, HENRY IS THE TOTAL

HENRY'S DOING A LITTLE IMPROV.
SURE, HENRY IS THE TOTAL
PACKAGE.

SURE, HENRY IS THE TOTAL
PACKAGE.
WINNING SMILES, GOLDEN LOCKS,

PACKAGE.
WINNING SMILES, GOLDEN LOCKS,
AND THOSE BIG PHOTO GENERALIC

WINNING SMILES, GOLDEN LOCKS,
AND THOSE BIG PHOTO GENERALIC
NUTS.

AND THOSE BIG PHOTO GENERALIC
NUTS.
>> GOOD LOOKS AREN'T EVERYTHING.

NUTS.
>> GOOD LOOKS AREN'T EVERYTHING.
YOU KNOW, CASTING DIRECTORS WANT

>> GOOD LOOKS AREN'T EVERYTHING.
YOU KNOW, CASTING DIRECTORS WANT
TO SEE EMOTIONAL RANGE.

YOU KNOW, CASTING DIRECTORS WANT
TO SEE EMOTIONAL RANGE.
>> WATCH.

TO SEE EMOTIONAL RANGE.
>> WATCH.
HENRY, YOU JUST FOUND OUT YOU

>> WATCH.
HENRY, YOU JUST FOUND OUT YOU
HAVE WORMS.

HENRY, YOU JUST FOUND OUT YOU
HAVE WORMS.
SHOW ME SHOCK.

HAVE WORMS.
SHOW ME SHOCK.
ALL RIGHT.

SHOW ME SHOCK.
ALL RIGHT.
>> HENRY, YOU'RE GOING TO THE

ALL RIGHT.
>> HENRY, YOU'RE GOING TO THE
VET TO GET CLIPPED, AND THEY

>> HENRY, YOU'RE GOING TO THE
VET TO GET CLIPPED, AND THEY
DON'T MEAN YOUR NAILS.

VET TO GET CLIPPED, AND THEY
DON'T MEAN YOUR NAILS.
SHOW ME FEAR.

DON'T MEAN YOUR NAILS.
SHOW ME FEAR.
PERFECT.

SHOW ME FEAR.
PERFECT.
YOU BOOKED IT.

PERFECT.
YOU BOOKED IT.
>> YOU MAY HAVE SEEN THE TRAILER

YOU BOOKED IT.
>> YOU MAY HAVE SEEN THE TRAILER
FOR THAT MOVIE, NONE OF OUR DOGS

>> YOU MAY HAVE SEEN THE TRAILER
FOR THAT MOVIE, NONE OF OUR DOGS
GOT THE JOB.

FOR THAT MOVIE, NONE OF OUR DOGS
GOT THE JOB.
>> BUT DAMN IT, THEY GOT IN THE

GOT THE JOB.
>> BUT DAMN IT, THEY GOT IN THE
ROOM.

>> BUT DAMN IT, THEY GOT IN THE
ROOM.
JUST LIKE COCO HERE.

ROOM.
JUST LIKE COCO HERE.
>> COCO MAY NOT BE CLASSICAL

JUST LIKE COCO HERE.
>> COCO MAY NOT BE CLASSICAL
BEAUTIFUL, BUT SHE'S DRIPPING IN

>> COCO MAY NOT BE CLASSICAL
BEAUTIFUL, BUT SHE'S DRIPPING IN
SEX APPEAL.

BEAUTIFUL, BUT SHE'S DRIPPING IN
SEX APPEAL.
>> IS SHE EVER, AND SHE'LL GO

SEX APPEAL.
>> IS SHE EVER, AND SHE'LL GO
FULL NUDE IF THE PAY IS RIGHT.

>> IS SHE EVER, AND SHE'LL GO
FULL NUDE IF THE PAY IS RIGHT.
>> SHE'LL DO IT EVEN IF IT'S

FULL NUDE IF THE PAY IS RIGHT.
>> SHE'LL DO IT EVEN IF IT'S
NOT.

>> SHE'LL DO IT EVEN IF IT'S
NOT.
>> LOOK AT THOSE NIPS.

NOT.
>> LOOK AT THOSE NIPS.
LOOKING FOR A DOG THAT CAN PULL

>> LOOK AT THOSE NIPS.
LOOKING FOR A DOG THAT CAN PULL
OFF ROMANTIC COMEDY?

LOOKING FOR A DOG THAT CAN PULL
OFF ROMANTIC COMEDY?
THEN LOOK NO FURTHER THAN ROMEO.

OFF ROMANTIC COMEDY?
THEN LOOK NO FURTHER THAN ROMEO.
>> AND ROMEO IS UNDER CONTRACT

THEN LOOK NO FURTHER THAN ROMEO.
>> AND ROMEO IS UNDER CONTRACT
WITH DISNEY.

>> AND ROMEO IS UNDER CONTRACT
WITH DISNEY.
>> HOW?

WITH DISNEY.
>> HOW?
BY LEARNING OUR PATENTED LADY

>> HOW?
BY LEARNING OUR PATENTED LADY
AND THE TRAMP TECHNIQUE.

BY LEARNING OUR PATENTED LADY
AND THE TRAMP TECHNIQUE.
WATCH.

AND THE TRAMP TECHNIQUE.
WATCH.
ROMEO.

WATCH.
ROMEO.
WOW.

ROMEO.
WOW.
I THINK I'M IN LOVE.

WOW.
I THINK I'M IN LOVE.
>> THAT'S ADORABLE.

I THINK I'M IN LOVE.
>> THAT'S ADORABLE.
AND CASTABLE.

>> THAT'S ADORABLE.
AND CASTABLE.
>> HIGH FIVE, ROMEO.

AND CASTABLE.
>> HIGH FIVE, ROMEO.
HE'S A REGULAR MARLAN BRAND DOG.

>> HIGH FIVE, ROMEO.
HE'S A REGULAR MARLAN BRAND DOG.
OUR INSTRUCTORS ARE READY TO

HE'S A REGULAR MARLAN BRAND DOG.
OUR INSTRUCTORS ARE READY TO
HANDLE EVERY ASPECT OF YOUR

OUR INSTRUCTORS ARE READY TO
HANDLE EVERY ASPECT OF YOUR
DOG'S CAREER FROM SOCIAL MEDIA

HANDLE EVERY ASPECT OF YOUR
DOG'S CAREER FROM SOCIAL MEDIA
TO HEAD SHOTS.

DOG'S CAREER FROM SOCIAL MEDIA
TO HEAD SHOTS.
>> AND WE CAN EVEN COVER UP

TO HEAD SHOTS.
>> AND WE CAN EVEN COVER UP
EMBARRASSING SCANDALS.

>> AND WE CAN EVEN COVER UP
EMBARRASSING SCANDALS.
>> YEAH.

EMBARRASSING SCANDALS.
>> YEAH.
LIKE IF YOUR DOG IS STINKY AND

>> YEAH.
LIKE IF YOUR DOG IS STINKY AND
GETS CAUGHT HOOKING UP WITH A

LIKE IF YOUR DOG IS STINKY AND
GETS CAUGHT HOOKING UP WITH A
CAT.

GETS CAUGHT HOOKING UP WITH A
CAT.
>> NOT CONVINCED.

CAT.
>> NOT CONVINCED.
LISTEN TO THIS SATISFIED

>> NOT CONVINCED.
LISTEN TO THIS SATISFIED
CUSTOMER.

LISTEN TO THIS SATISFIED
CUSTOMER.
>> THIS IS MAITI.

CUSTOMER.
>> THIS IS MAITI.
HE HAS BEEN TAKING CLASSES HERE

>> THIS IS MAITI.
HE HAS BEEN TAKING CLASSES HERE
FOR YEARS.

HE HAS BEEN TAKING CLASSES HERE
FOR YEARS.
YOU PROBABLY RECOGNIZE HIM FROM

FOR YEARS.
YOU PROBABLY RECOGNIZE HIM FROM
THE MOVIE MOONLIGHT WHERE HE WAS

YOU PROBABLY RECOGNIZE HIM FROM
THE MOVIE MOONLIGHT WHERE HE WAS
WALKING BY ON THE BEACH DURING

THE MOVIE MOONLIGHT WHERE HE WAS
WALKING BY ON THE BEACH DURING
THE HAND JOB SCENE.

WALKING BY ON THE BEACH DURING
THE HAND JOB SCENE.
THAT WAS A FUN SET.

THE HAND JOB SCENE.
THAT WAS A FUN SET.
THANK YOU DOG ACTING SCHOOL.

THAT WAS A FUN SET.
THANK YOU DOG ACTING SCHOOL.
>> DID SOMEONE SAY ACCENT?

THANK YOU DOG ACTING SCHOOL.
>> DID SOMEONE SAY ACCENT?
TAKE A LOOK AT THIS TALENTED

>> DID SOMEONE SAY ACCENT?
TAKE A LOOK AT THIS TALENTED
POOCH.

TAKE A LOOK AT THIS TALENTED
POOCH.
>> BISCUIT, DO FRENCH.

POOCH.
>> BISCUIT, DO FRENCH.
>> LE WOOF!

>> BISCUIT, DO FRENCH.
>> LE WOOF!
>> WOW, LE WOOF, I THINK THAT

>> LE WOOF!
>> WOW, LE WOOF, I THINK THAT
MEANS, THE BARK.

>> WOW, LE WOOF, I THINK THAT
MEANS, THE BARK.
>> WE EVEN TEACH PUPPIES.

MEANS, THE BARK.
>> WE EVEN TEACH PUPPIES.
LIKE THIS LITTLE FELLA NAMED

>> WE EVEN TEACH PUPPIES.
LIKE THIS LITTLE FELLA NAMED
JEY BEAN.

LIKE THIS LITTLE FELLA NAMED
JEY BEAN.
>> NOW, JELLY BEAN JUST GOT CAST

JEY BEAN.
>> NOW, JELLY BEAN JUST GOT CAST
IN A MOVIE WHERE HE PLAYS AN

>> NOW, JELLY BEAN JUST GOT CAST
IN A MOVIE WHERE HE PLAYS AN
ALIEN THAT DESTROYS SEATTLE.

IN A MOVIE WHERE HE PLAYS AN
ALIEN THAT DESTROYS SEATTLE.
LET REHEARSE.

ALIEN THAT DESTROYS SEATTLE.
LET REHEARSE.
GO.

LET REHEARSE.
GO.
GO.

GO.
GO.
>> GO, GO.

GO.
>> GO, GO.
>> DESTROY.

>> GO, GO.
>> DESTROY.
GET IN THERE.

>> DESTROY.
GET IN THERE.
OH, SEATTLE.

GET IN THERE.
OH, SEATTLE.
OH, NO, SEATTLE.

OH, SEATTLE.
OH, NO, SEATTLE.
OH, NO.

OH, NO, SEATTLE.
OH, NO.
OH, NO.

OH, NO.
OH, NO.
OKAY.

OH, NO.
OKAY.
WOW.

OKAY.
WOW.
GOOD JOB, JELLY BEAN.

WOW.
GOOD JOB, JELLY BEAN.
>> PEOPLE IN SEATTLE ARE DEAD.

GOOD JOB, JELLY BEAN.
>> PEOPLE IN SEATTLE ARE DEAD.
SO ENROLL TODAY, AND IN NO TIME,

>> PEOPLE IN SEATTLE ARE DEAD.
SO ENROLL TODAY, AND IN NO TIME,
YOUR DOG WILL BE THE NEXT CLINT

SO ENROLL TODAY, AND IN NO TIME,
YOUR DOG WILL BE THE NEXT CLINT
EASTWOOF.

YOUR DOG WILL BE THE NEXT CLINT
EASTWOOF.
>> AT ENTER STAGE WOOF, ACTING

EASTWOOF.
>> AT ENTER STAGE WOOF, ACTING
SCHOOL FOR DOGS.

>> AT ENTER STAGE WOOF, ACTING
SCHOOL FOR DOGS.
>>> ONCE AGAIN, KAROL G!

SCHOOL FOR DOGS.
>>> ONCE AGAIN, KAROL G!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>>> ONCE AGAIN, KAROL G!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
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[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>>> I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU TALKED
ME INTO COMING INTO NAIL SALON.
>> MEN GET THEIR NAILS DONE ALL

ME INTO COMING INTO NAIL SALON.
>> MEN GET THEIR NAILS DONE ALL
THE TIME.

>> MEN GET THEIR NAILS DONE ALL
THE TIME.
>> I'M NOT LIKE OTHER MEN, NINA.

THE TIME.
>> I'M NOT LIKE OTHER MEN, NINA.
>> WE'RE READY FOR YOU TWO.

>> I'M NOT LIKE OTHER MEN, NINA.
>> WE'RE READY FOR YOU TWO.
I LOVE WHEN WE GET COUPLES IN

>> WE'RE READY FOR YOU TWO.
I LOVE WHEN WE GET COUPLES IN
HERE.

I LOVE WHEN WE GET COUPLES IN
HERE.
SCREW THOSE GENDER ROLES.

HERE.
SCREW THOSE GENDER ROLES.
WHAT COLOR ARE WE GOING TO PAINT

SCREW THOSE GENDER ROLES.
WHAT COLOR ARE WE GOING TO PAINT
YOU?

WHAT COLOR ARE WE GOING TO PAINT
YOU?
>> SOMETHING NEUTRAL LIKE TAN OR

YOU?
>> SOMETHING NEUTRAL LIKE TAN OR
NUDE OR SOMETHING.

>> SOMETHING NEUTRAL LIKE TAN OR
NUDE OR SOMETHING.
>> YOU PROMISED.

NUDE OR SOMETHING.
>> YOU PROMISED.
>> THINGS ARE DIFFERENT NOW,

>> YOU PROMISED.
>> THINGS ARE DIFFERENT NOW,
NINA BECAUSE AS OF YESTERDAY,

>> THINGS ARE DIFFERENT NOW,
NINA BECAUSE AS OF YESTERDAY,
I'M THE GUINNESS WORLD RECORDER

NINA BECAUSE AS OF YESTERDAY,
I'M THE GUINNESS WORLD RECORDER
HOLDER FOR THE WORLD'S LONGER

I'M THE GUINNESS WORLD RECORDER
HOLDER FOR THE WORLD'S LONGER
FINGERNAILS.

HOLDER FOR THE WORLD'S LONGER
FINGERNAILS.
>> YOU SAID YOU WOULD CUT THEM

FINGERNAILS.
>> YOU SAID YOU WOULD CUT THEM
AFTER YOU WON.

>> YOU SAID YOU WOULD CUT THEM
AFTER YOU WON.
>> I CAN'T CUT THEM AFTER ONE

AFTER YOU WON.
>> I CAN'T CUT THEM AFTER ONE
DAY OF BEING FAMOUS!

>> I CAN'T CUT THEM AFTER ONE
DAY OF BEING FAMOUS!
>> I'M TIRED OF LIVING LIKE

DAY OF BEING FAMOUS!
>> I'M TIRED OF LIVING LIKE
THIS.

>> I'M TIRED OF LIVING LIKE
THIS.
IT'S EMBARRASSING!

THIS.
IT'S EMBARRASSING!
>> YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD BE

IT'S EMBARRASSING!
>> YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD BE
EMBARRASSING IF I SHOWED UP TO

>> YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD BE
EMBARRASSING IF I SHOWED UP TO
THE GALA WITH SHORT NAILS.

EMBARRASSING IF I SHOWED UP TO
THE GALA WITH SHORT NAILS.
>> SO THE WATER IS GETTING

THE GALA WITH SHORT NAILS.
>> SO THE WATER IS GETTING
COLD --

>> SO THE WATER IS GETTING
COLD --
>> THAT WOULD BE LIKE IF THE

COLD --
>> THAT WOULD BE LIKE IF THE
WORLD'S TALLEST MAN SHOWED UP

>> THAT WOULD BE LIKE IF THE
WORLD'S TALLEST MAN SHOWED UP
AND THEY CUT OFF HIS LEGS.

WORLD'S TALLEST MAN SHOWED UP
AND THEY CUT OFF HIS LEGS.
>> HAVE WE LANDED ON A COLOR?

AND THEY CUT OFF HIS LEGS.
>> HAVE WE LANDED ON A COLOR?
>> I DON'T WANT COLOR.

>> HAVE WE LANDED ON A COLOR?
>> I DON'T WANT COLOR.
I WANT RIDGY, CRAFT, AND YELLOW.

>> I DON'T WANT COLOR.
I WANT RIDGY, CRAFT, AND YELLOW.
GOD, NO ONE UNDERSTANDS ME.

I WANT RIDGY, CRAFT, AND YELLOW.
GOD, NO ONE UNDERSTANDS ME.
>> WHAT ABOUT ME, GREGG?

GOD, NO ONE UNDERSTANDS ME.
>> WHAT ABOUT ME, GREGG?
WHERE IS MY CERTIFICATE?

>> WHAT ABOUT ME, GREGG?
WHERE IS MY CERTIFICATE?
I DESERVE THE GUINNESS WORLD

WHERE IS MY CERTIFICATE?
I DESERVE THE GUINNESS WORLD
RECORD FOR WIPING YOUR BUTT FOR

I DESERVE THE GUINNESS WORLD
RECORD FOR WIPING YOUR BUTT FOR
12 YEARS!

RECORD FOR WIPING YOUR BUTT FOR
12 YEARS!
>> YOU ACT LIKE I'VE NEVER TRIED

12 YEARS!
>> YOU ACT LIKE I'VE NEVER TRIED
TO WIPE MYSELF.

>> YOU ACT LIKE I'VE NEVER TRIED
TO WIPE MYSELF.
I DID ONCE AND ALMOST DIED.

TO WIPE MYSELF.
I DID ONCE AND ALMOST DIED.
>> YOU PROMISED ME!

I DID ONCE AND ALMOST DIED.
>> YOU PROMISED ME!
YOU PROMISED ME YOU WERE GOING

>> YOU PROMISED ME!
YOU PROMISED ME YOU WERE GOING
TO CUT YOUR NAILS, LEARN WONDER

YOU PROMISED ME YOU WERE GOING
TO CUT YOUR NAILS, LEARN WONDER
WALL ON THE GUITAR, AND DO HAND

TO CUT YOUR NAILS, LEARN WONDER
WALL ON THE GUITAR, AND DO HAND
STUFF TO ME FOR THE FIRST TIME.

WALL ON THE GUITAR, AND DO HAND
STUFF TO ME FOR THE FIRST TIME.
>> I NEVER SAID THAT.

STUFF TO ME FOR THE FIRST TIME.
>> I NEVER SAID THAT.
>> YES, YOU DID.

>> I NEVER SAID THAT.
>> YES, YOU DID.
I HAVE IT ON VOICE MAIL.

>> YES, YOU DID.
I HAVE IT ON VOICE MAIL.
>> AS SOON AS I GET THIS WORLD

I HAVE IT ON VOICE MAIL.
>> AS SOON AS I GET THIS WORLD
RECORD, I'M GONNA CUT THESE

>> AS SOON AS I GET THIS WORLD
RECORD, I'M GONNA CUT THESE
NAILS, LEARN WONDER WALL ON

RECORD, I'M GONNA CUT THESE
NAILS, LEARN WONDER WALL ON
GUITAR, AND DO HAND STUFF TO

NAILS, LEARN WONDER WALL ON
GUITAR, AND DO HAND STUFF TO
YOU.

GUITAR, AND DO HAND STUFF TO
YOU.
NOW WHAT TIME ARE YOU GETTING

YOU.
NOW WHAT TIME ARE YOU GETTING
HOME?

NOW WHAT TIME ARE YOU GETTING
HOME?
I NEED YOU TO WIPE ME.

HOME?
I NEED YOU TO WIPE ME.
>> WHO AM I WITHOUT MY NAILS,

I NEED YOU TO WIPE ME.
>> WHO AM I WITHOUT MY NAILS,
NINA?

>> WHO AM I WITHOUT MY NAILS,
NINA?
I SHOULD HAVE NEVER COMED TO

NINA?
I SHOULD HAVE NEVER COMED TO
THIS NAIL SALON.

I SHOULD HAVE NEVER COMED TO
THIS NAIL SALON.
I SHOULD HAVE NEVER MOVED TO

THIS NAIL SALON.
I SHOULD HAVE NEVER MOVED TO
SEATTLE, AND I I SHOULD NEVER

I SHOULD HAVE NEVER MOVED TO
SEATTLE, AND I I SHOULD NEVER
MARRIED YOU.

SEATTLE, AND I I SHOULD NEVER
MARRIED YOU.
>> WELL, IF THAT'S HOW YOU FEEL,

MARRIED YOU.
>> WELL, IF THAT'S HOW YOU FEEL,
I'M TAKING MY RING BACK.

>> WELL, IF THAT'S HOW YOU FEEL,
I'M TAKING MY RING BACK.
>> GO ON, TAKE IT!

I'M TAKING MY RING BACK.
>> GO ON, TAKE IT!
GO, TAKE IT THEN!

>> GO ON, TAKE IT!
GO, TAKE IT THEN!
GO!

GO, TAKE IT THEN!
GO!
KEEP GOING, GO, GO ON NOW, TAKE

GO!
KEEP GOING, GO, GO ON NOW, TAKE
IT.

KEEP GOING, GO, GO ON NOW, TAKE
IT.
I'M OUT OF HERE, BOO.

IT.
I'M OUT OF HERE, BOO.
>> GREGG!

I'M OUT OF HERE, BOO.
>> GREGG!
GREGG!

>> GREGG!
GREGG!
>> SO THERE IS A CANCELLATION

GREGG!
>> SO THERE IS A CANCELLATION
FEE.

>> SO THERE IS A CANCELLATION
FEE.
>> I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE.

FEE.
>> I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE.
>> SAY IT.

>> I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE.
>> SAY IT.
OUT LOUD.

>> SAY IT.
OUT LOUD.
SAY IT.

OUT LOUD.
SAY IT.
>> THAT GUY FROM THE GUINNESS

SAY IT.
>> THAT GUY FROM THE GUINNESS
BOOK OF WORLD RECORDS WITH THE

>> THAT GUY FROM THE GUINNESS
BOOK OF WORLD RECORDS WITH THE
WORLD'S LONGEST FINGERNAILS.

BOOK OF WORLD RECORDS WITH THE
WORLD'S LONGEST FINGERNAILS.
>> ARE YOU AFRAID, OR ARE YOU

WORLD'S LONGEST FINGERNAILS.
>> ARE YOU AFRAID, OR ARE YOU
NOT?

>> ARE YOU AFRAID, OR ARE YOU
NOT?
OH, NO, YOU CRACKED MY

NOT?
OH, NO, YOU CRACKED MY
FINGERNAIL!

OH, NO, YOU CRACKED MY
FINGERNAIL!
NOW THESE LOOK GROSS!

FINGERNAIL!
NOW THESE LOOK GROSS!
>> I CAN'T BELIEVE HE LEFT FOR

NOW THESE LOOK GROSS!
>> I CAN'T BELIEVE HE LEFT FOR
REAL.

>> I CAN'T BELIEVE HE LEFT FOR
REAL.
>> OH, DON'T WORRY, MAMA.

REAL.
>> OH, DON'T WORRY, MAMA.
I SEE THIS ALL THE TIME.

>> OH, DON'T WORRY, MAMA.
I SEE THIS ALL THE TIME.
MEN JUST NEED AN IDENTITY.

I SEE THIS ALL THE TIME.
MEN JUST NEED AN IDENTITY.
IF IT'S MEANT TO BE, HE'LL COME

MEN JUST NEED AN IDENTITY.
IF IT'S MEANT TO BE, HE'LL COME
BACK.

IF IT'S MEANT TO BE, HE'LL COME
BACK.
>> I'M BACK.

BACK.
>> I'M BACK.
AND I CUT MY NAILS.

>> I'M BACK.
AND I CUT MY NAILS.
AND DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?

AND I CUT MY NAILS.
AND DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?
HAND STUFF.

AND DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?
HAND STUFF.
>> YOU WIPE YOUR BUTT!

HAND STUFF.
>> YOU WIPE YOUR BUTT!
>> SCREW THOSE GENDER ROLES!

>> YOU WIPE YOUR BUTT!
>> SCREW THOSE GENDER ROLES!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> SCREW THOSE GENDER ROLES!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>> THANK YOU SO MUCH!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>> THANK YOU SO MUCH!
THAT WAS AN AMAZING SHOW.

>>> THANK YOU SO MUCH!
THAT WAS AN AMAZING SHOW.
I WANT TO THANK THIS AMAZING

THAT WAS AN AMAZING SHOW.
I WANT TO THANK THIS AMAZING
CAST.

I WANT TO THANK THIS AMAZING
CAST.
THEY ARE THE BEST PEOPLE.

CAST.
THEY ARE THE BEST PEOPLE.
THIS FOR SURE HAS BEEN THE BEST

THEY ARE THE BEST PEOPLE.
THIS FOR SURE HAS BEEN THE BEST
WEEK OF MY LIFE.

THIS FOR SURE HAS BEEN THE BEST
WEEK OF MY LIFE.
THANK YOU, KAROL G!

WEEK OF MY LIFE.
THANK YOU, KAROL G!
>> THANK YOU.

THANK YOU, KAROL G!
>> THANK YOU.
>> LAUREN, THANK YOU SO MUCH.

>> THANK YOU.
>> LAUREN, THANK YOU SO MUCH.
PLEASE BRING ME BACK.

>> LAUREN, THANK YOU SO MUCH.
PLEASE BRING ME BACK.
I LOVE YOU TOO.

PLEASE BRING ME BACK.
I LOVE YOU TOO.
THANK YOU FOR WATCHING TONIGHT!

I LOVE YOU TOO.
THANK YOU FOR WATCHING TONIGHT!
>> THANK YOU!