Original subtitles

YOU'RE WATCHING C-SPAN. UP NEXT, FORMER PRESIDENT TRUMP

ADDRESSES RESIDENTS OF EAST PALESTINE, OHIO FOLLOWING THIS MONTH'S TRAIN DERAILMENT.

[ APPLAUSE ] HELLO, EVERYONE. HELLO.

IT'S WONDERFUL TO BE HERE IN THE TOWN OF EAST PALESTINE, NOT A GREAT NAME.

BUT I HAD TO COME HERE AND SEE THESE WONDERFUL PEOPLE WHO HAVE BEEN ABANDONED BY BIDEN.

HE'S ON SPRING BREAK IN UKRAINE WITH HIS FRIEND ZELENSKYY IN THE T-SHIRT, VERY DISRESPECTFUL.

ZELENSKYY THINKS HE'S ROCKING THAT RINGADEE LIKE SCOTT PILGRIM.

BUT I'M HERE, AND I BROUGHT HATS. CAMERAS AND HATS BECAUSE IT'S

TERRIBLE WHAT'S HAPPENING HERE. EARLIER TODAY, A FARMER CAME UP TO ME, BIG FELLA, AND HE SAID,

SIR, WE HAVE NOTHING TO EAT BECAUSE OUR DIRT IS POISON, AND I SAID, WELL, WHAT ARE YOU DOING

EATING THE DIRT? DON'T EAT THE DIRT, FOLKS. YOU SHOULD BE EATING THE COLD

McDONALD'S I BROUGHT YOU, AND TRUMP ICE. I'LL BE HONEST, I JUST PUT MY

STICKER ON SOME DASANI. WE LIKE TO SAY DASANI. I'VE HEARD ALL ABOUT YOUR

SITUATION WITH THE WATER, BUT I WAS LOOKING AT YOUR RIVER, AND IT'S SO SHINY.

I'VE NEVER SEEN WATER SO BEAUTIFUL. BEAUTIFUL RAINBOWS AND

DISCOLORATION. IT'S GREAT. IT'S WEARING MAKEUP.

FENTY BEAUTY WATER. FENTY BY RIHANNA. BY THE WAY, SHE WAS PREGNANT

DOING SUPER BOWL. CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT? I SAID, OF COURSE SHE IS.

SHE'S NOT MOVING AT ALL. SHE WAS JUST DOING ARMS THE WHOLE TIME.

BUT YOUR TRAIN EXPLODED. AND WHO DO WE BLAME? WHO DO WE BLAME?

WE BLAME BUTTIGIEG. PETE BUTTIGIEG. THIS WAS HIS RESPONSIBILITY.

UNFORTUNATELY, HE WAS TOO BUSY BEING A NERD AND BEING GAY TO HAVE DEALT WITH THE VERY MUCH

MORE IMPORTANT ISSUE OF SHOULD DRAINS HAVE BIG POISON. AND I HAVE TO TELL YOU, I CALL

HIM PETE BUTT. I CALL HIM PETE BUTT. THERE'S NO WAY AROUND IT.

THAT'S JUST THE BEST ONE. BELIEVE ME, I'VE TRIED IT EVERY WHICH WAY, AND IT REALLY DOESN'T

GET BETTER THAN PETE BUTT. BUT THIS WOULD HAVE NEVER HAPPENED UNDER MY

ADMINISTRATION. PEOPLE ARE SAYING I MADE THE TRAINS LESS SAFE.

NOT TRUE. OKAY? NOT TRUE.

I DID A LOT FOR TRAINS. I MADE THEM BIGGER, FASTER, LESS SAFE PERHAPS, BUT I'M PAYING MY

RESPECTS BECAUSE YOUR TRAIN EXPLODED AND NOW YOUR BIRDS AND FISH ARE ALL DEAD.

WAKE UP IN THE MORNING AND NOT HEAR THE BEAUTIFUL CHIRPING OF BIRDS AND INSTEAD HEAR TRAINS

EXPLODING AND DERAILING ALL OVER THE PLACE. YOUR TOWN IS HURTING.

THAT'S WHY YOU NEED ME. I FEEL LIKE I COULD "SCHITT'S CREEK" THIS PLACE, RIGHT?

BUT I NEED BIG EYEBROWS. YOU WATCH "SCHITT'S CREEK"? NO, YOU GUYS WATCH YELLOW STONE.

THE DUTTONS. ANYWAY, I HAVE A SURPRISE GUEST THIS WEEK.

IT'S THE FOREMAN OF THE GEORGIA GRAND JURY INVESTIGATING ME. IT'S EMILY KOHRS.

THIS IS SO COOL. FIRST GIULIANI AND NOW YOU. SHE'S AN ODD DUCK, BUT WE

LIKE HER. SHE'S EITHER 70 OR 40, BUT WE CAN'T TELL.

SHE'S GOT A BIG SECRET FOR SUCH A LITTLE LADY. POTENTIALLY.

I MIGHT. I DON'T KNOW. WOW.

WE DON'T LIKE THAT. WE DON'T LIKE THAT SOUND. BECAUSE SHE KNOWS IF I'M GETTING

INDICTED. SHE'S HEAD JUROR, CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT?

THEY ELECTED HER. THEY'LL ELECT ANYONE. I STARTED THAT.

SO COME ON, SPILL THE TEA. COME ON. NOPE.

YOU JUST WANT ME TO RUIN THE CASE. BUT I GUESS I CAN SAY WE HAVE

BEEN SAYING YOUR NAME A LOT. CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT? THEY ALMOST HAD ME, AND THEN

THIS LITTLE HORSE GIRL COMES IN AND SAVES THE DAY. THANK YOU, EMILY.

FAIR THEE WELL. DO WE LIKE HER? SHE LOOKS LIKE HALEY JOEL

OSMENT, AND SHE'S MY BEST FRIEND. WELL, I'M GOING TO GET OUT OF

HERE SOON BECAUSE THE AIR IS FULL OF POISON. BUT EVERYBODY IN OHIO ALWAYS

ASKS ME, WHAT DO I DO NOW? THERE'S POISON GAS IN THE AIR. COULD BE A GOOD THING.

I KNOW SOME OF THE HUSBANDS ARE HAPPY TO HAVE THE STINKY GAS AS AN EXCUSE.

HONEY, DID YOU PASS GAS? NO, IT WAS THE TRAIN. BLAME THE TRAIN, RIGHT?

YOU WOULD NORMALLY BLAME THE DOG, BUT THEY'RE ALL DEAD NOW, AREN'T THEY?

SO IN CONCLUSION, "SCHITT'S CREEK," RIHANNA, PETE BUTT, AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S

CREEK," RIHANNA, PETE BUTT, AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!

Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE" WITH --

Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE" WITH -- FEATURING --

MUSICAL GUEST, JACK WHITE. AND YOUR HOST, WOODY HARRELSON.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WOODY HARRELSON! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

THANK YOU. THANK YOU VERY, VERY MUCH. HELLO, YOU BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE.

AND YOU UGLY PEOPLE TOO. NO. I JEST.

THIS COUNTRY SEEMS SO DIVIDED, BEAUTIFUL, UGLY, BLACK, WHITE, BLUE, RED, I LOVE EVERYBODY.

MAYBE BECAUSE I'M A RED NECK HIPPY. YOU KNOW, THE RED IN ME THINKS

YOU SHOULDN'T BE ALLOWED TO OWN GUNS. THE BLUE IN ME THINKS, SQUIRT

GUNS. SO I'M RED AND BLUE, WHICH MAKES PURPLE.

I'M PURPLE. SO THIS IS MY FIFTH TIME DOING SNL.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] WELL, AND YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.

NO JACKET. OKAY. THE LAST TIME I DID SNL WAS

AROUND THANKSGIVING 2019, THREE YEARS AGO. AND YOU WOULD NOT BELIEVE WHAT

HAPPENED AFTER THE SHOW. THE NEXT DAY -- IT WAS A SUNDAY, AS IT ALWAYS IS THE DAY AFTER I

DO "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE." IT'S LIKE A PATTERN I NOTICED. ANYWAY, I WENT WALKING IN THE

GREATEST PART OF THIS CITY, CENTRAL PARK, LEANED AGAINST A TREE, AND STARTED TO READ THE

CRAZIEST SCRIPT. OKAY. FULL DISCLOSURE, I SMOKED A

JOINT FIRST. THE REASON I LIKE HERB MORE THAN ALCOHOL IS BECAUSE IT MAKES ME

FEEL GOOD, NO HANGOVER, AND I NEVER WAKE UP COVERED IN BLOOD. BUT REGARDLESS, I HAVE DECIDED

TO QUIT SMOKING POT ALTOGETHER, AND I'M STICKING WITH IT -- UNTIL AFTER THE SHOW.

YEAH. LAST WEEK IN AUSTIN, I WAS TALKING WITH MY FRIEND NICK.

WE HAVE A LOT IN COMMON. HE WROTE "TRUE DETECTIVE" AND I WAS IN "TRUE DETECTIVE."

I'M VEGAN, AND ALL THE ANIMALS HE EATS ARE VEGAN. ANYWAY, I WAS COMPLAINING ABOUT

HOW I START SMOKING AROUND NOON AND GET PROGRESSIVELY DUMBER AS THE DAY UNFOLDS.

FORGET BASIC WORDS, SIMPLE OBJECTS E-T-CETERA. I WAS HOPING THE WIFE MIGHT SAY,

OH, NO, THAT'S NOT TRUE. INSTEAD SHE SAYS, AT LEAST YOU'RE AWARE OF IT.

AND I SAY, WELL THAT DOESN'T FEEL LIKE MUCH CONSOLATION. AND SHE SAYS, THINK OF ALL THE

DUMB PEOPLE WHO DON'T KNOW THEY'RE DUMB. YOU'RE AHEAD OF THEM.

THANKS, HON. BUT ON TOP OF THE HERB, I'M A WEE BIT OF A DRINKER.

I DON'T KNOW WHY I WENT IRISH THERE. ALL RIGHT.

ANYWAY, BUT IN A PERSONAL TRIUMPH, LAST YEAR, I HAD SEVEN MONTHS WITH NO ALCOHOL, AND FIVE

GLORIOUS MONTHS. ANYWAY, WHAT WERE WE TALKING ABOUT?

OH, YEAH. I WAS TELLING YOU ABOUT THAT SCRIPT.

SO I BLAZE A FATTY, WHICH, YOU KNOW, I GOT IN LA AT MY DISPENSARY, THE WOODS.

I MEAN, OBVIOUSLY, I DIDN'T TRANSPORT THE HERB FROM CALIFORNIA TO NEW YORK BECAUSE

THAT'S HIGHLY ILLEGAL. MY MANAGER, JEREMY, DID. YEAH.

HE MULED IT FROM LA. YEAH. SPEAKING OF JEREMY, HE'S HERE

TONIGHT. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] YEAH.

NEWLY SINGLE, LADIES. VERY HANDSOME. I KNOW HE WOULD PREFER I TALK

ABOUT OUR MOVIE "CHAMPIONS" THAT'S COMING OUT IN TWO WEEKS. COMEDIC MASTERPIECE, BUT I'M NOT

HERE TO SELL "CHAMPIONS." IT SELLS ITSELF. PROJECTIONS HAVE IT MAKING MORE

THAN "AVATAR", BUT WHATEVER, I'M NO SALESMAN. WHERE WAS I?

OKAY. SO THREE YEARS AGO, CENTRAL PARK, SUNDAY MORNING, THE LORD'S

DAY, TRYING TO RESIST THE TEMPTATION TO PUFF TOO EARLY IN THE DAY.

OF COURSE, I SUCCUMB. LIKE A LOT OF PEOPLE, I HAVE A DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER, AND ON

THE OTHER SHOULDER, I HAVE A LARGER, MORE FRIGHTENING DEVIL. AND THERE'S A BATTLE GOING ON IN

HERE. I'M JUST SAYING I AM MANY DIFFERENT THINGS, ANARCHIST,

MARKIST, NONDISCRIMINATORY IMPATH, A DECONSTRUCTIONIST, A TEXAN.

BUT BACK TO THE TREE IN CENTRAL PARK AND THAT SCRIPT. PUT YOURSELF IN MY PLACE, LAY

THE CURVE OF YOUR NECK AGAINST THE ROOTS OF THE TREE. WHAT KIND OF TREE WAS IT?

WHAT KIND DO THEY HAVE IN CENTRAL PARK? OH, YEAH, IT WAS A PALM TREE.

LAY YOUR HEAD AGAINST THE PALM, FIRE UP THE HOOTER FROM JEREMY, AND START READING.

SO THE MOVIE GOES LIKE THIS, THE BIGGEST DRUG CARTELS IN THE WORLD GET TOGETHER AND BUY UP

ALL THE MEDIA AND ALL THE POLITICIANS AND FORCE ALL THE PEOPLE IN THE WORLD TO STAY

LOCKED IN THEIR HOMES, AND PEOPLE CAN ONLY COME OUT IF THEY TAKE THE CARTEL'S DRUGS AND KEEP

TAKING THEM OVER AND OVER. I THREW THE SCRIPT AWAY. I MEAN, WHO WAS GOING TO BELIEVE

THAT CRAZY IDEA? BEING FORCED TO DO DRUGS? I DO THAT VOLUNTARILY ALL DAY

LONG. ANYWAY, IT'S ABOUT THAT TIME. STILL NO JACKET.

OKAY. WELL, WE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.

HERE, WE|LL BE BACK

ALL RIGHT, 6117, YOU GOT FIVE MINUTES. CARLA JEAN, GOD, IT'S SO GOOD

TO SEE YOUR FACE. I MISS YOU TOO, WILLY. LOOK, I KNOW I MADE A DAMN

MESS OF THING ON THE OUTSIDE, BUT I SWEAR I'VE CHANGED. I HOPE SO.

I'M TIRED OF COMING HERE, WILLY, I REALLY AM. I KNOW, HONEY.

LISTEN, WHEN I GET OUT OF HERE, I'M GOING TO DO YOU RIGHT. YOU HEAR ME?

I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU THE LIFE YOU'VE ALWAYS DESERVED. MARK MY WORDS, I'M GOING TO BE

OUT OF HERE SOON. NO HE NOT. WHAT WAS THAT?

YOU SAY WHATEVER YOU WANT. THAT'S YOUR CONVERSATION. LISTEN HERE, CARLA JEAN.

YOU REMEMBER THAT HOUSE ON CHERRY LANE, THE ONE WITH THE WHITE PICKET FENCE?

WHEN I GET OUT OF HERE, I'M GOING TO BUY US THAT HOUSE. WHEW, IN TODAY'S MARKET?

THAT IS FUNNY. I'M SORRY. IS THERE A PROBLEM?

SEEM TO ME LIKE YOU WANT ONE. LEAVE ME OUT OF THIS. ALL Y'ALL GET ON MY DAMN NERVES.

THIS MAN SAY HE'S GOING TO BUY HER A HOUSE. BUY A HOUSE.

YOU KNOW, CARLA JEAN, PRISON'S BEEN GOOD FOR ME. HE LYING.

I'M READING A LOT. SAY HE WANT TO BUY A HOUSE. I'M EVEN GOING TO GET MY GED.

I CAN'T BUY A HOUSE, AND I'M NOT IN JAIL. I RENT A ONE-BEDROOM APARTMENT

WITH A ROOMMATE. ALWAYS SEEING HAIR ON MY BAR OF SOAP, AND NOT FROM HER HEAD

EITHER. WANT TO BUY A HOUSE. I HAD A HOUSE.

EX-BOYFRIEND CAUGHT IT ON FIRE. WOULD YOU PLEASE? I'M TRYING TO TALK TO MY WIFE.

THAT'S YOUR WIFE? Y'ALL STILL MARRIED? LISTEN, BABY.

YOU'RE THE ONLY MAN FOR ME, AND NO MATTER HOW LONG YOU'RE IN HERE, WHETHER IT'S A DAY OR A

THOUSAND YEARS, I WILL ALWAYS WAIT FOR YOU. NO, SHE NOT.

I'M SORRY. CAN YOU NOT? HEY, I'M NOT HERE.

I'M JUST WALLPAPER, OKAY? BUT SHE SURE HAD SOME TALL BROTHER DROP HER OFF.

HE OUT THERE WAITING IN THE CAR, AC CRANKED ALL THE WAY UP, PROBABLY WASTING ALL THE DAMN

GAS, LISTENING TO CLUB RANDOM, BILL MAHER'S PODCAST. LITTLE WILLY JR. GROWING UP

SO FAST. HE LOOKS JUST LIKE YOU. NO HE DON'T.

COME ON. WALLPAPER. LITTLE BOY GOT RED HAIR, THOUGH.

YOU AIN'T GOT RED HAIR, HE AIN'T GOT RED HAIR. TALL BROTHER IN THE CAR GOT SOME

RED HAIR, THOUGH. SOMEBODY'S MATH AIN'T MATHING. THAT BOY LOOK LIKE CHUCKY.

YOU KNOW CHUCKY FROM THE RUG RATS. NOT KNIFE CHUCKY.

COME TO THINK ABOUT IT, KNIFE CHUCKY GOT RED HAIR TOO. EVERY DAMN CHUCKY GOT RED HAIR.

NAME ME ONE THAT DON'T GOT RED HAIR. PROBABLY CHUCK E. CHEESE.

WHAT'S HE? A RAT WITH A HAT? UNDERNEATH THERE PROBABLY SOME

RED HAIR. I'M TIRED OF HEARING YOU. I'M NOT YOUR PROBLEM.

WHAT I AM IS WALLPAPER. EL PAPEL OF THE WATER. HOLD UP.

CARLA JEAN, LET ME SEE THE PHONE. YOU WANT TO TALK TO ME?

WHAT'S UP? THIS FOOL OVER HERE TALKING ABOUT HE GOING TO BUY HER A

HOUSE. IT'S CALLED MANIFESTING. WHY YOU EVES DROPPING?

THIS LADY OVER HERE TALKING ABOUT SHE GOING TO WAIT FOR HIM BECAUSE SHE THINK SHE GETTING

THAT HOUSE. HOUSE? HOW HE GOING TO BUY A HOUSE.

OUT THERE WITH THE DAMN CHUCKY, GOT THE AC ALL JACKED UP, LISTENING TO CLUB RAP, YOU

KNOW THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT CARS. THEY GOT ME AS SOON AS I PAY OFF SOME OF THAT --

YOU KNOW WHAT I SHOULD DO, GO IN ON A TIMESHARE. THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING

ABOUT. THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING. OKAY.

I GUESS I'M JUST GOING TO GO. YEAH, I'LL JUST HEAD BACK TO THE JAIL.

GO ON AHEAD, MAN. TALKING ABOUT ANOTHER CHUCKY WITH RED HAIR.

FELLAS, WHAT ARE WE UP TO TONIGHT? YOU GUYS COMING OVER, PLAYING

TONY HAWK? I'M BUSY TONIGHT. I'M TIRED TONIGHT.

YOU'RE BUSY AND YOU'RE TIRED? MAYBE TOMORROW. OH, YEAH.

COOL. NO SWEAT. NEXT TIME.

HEY, MAN. EVERYBODY OKAY WITH YOU AND YOUR LITTLE FRIENDS?

I DON'T KNOW. I'M KIND OF WORRIED THEY'RE HANGING OUT WITHOUT ME.

DO YOU THINK WE SHOULD MAYBE FOLLOW THEM, FIND OUT? FOLLOW THEM?

YOU DON'T MEAN A -- YEAH. A STAKEOUT.

WHAT ARE THEY DOING OUT HERE IN THE SUBURBS? WHO'S HOUSE IS THIS?

WOW, DUDE. I'M GOING TO TEXT THEM. WHO'S THAT?

BEN. DID HE JUST THROW HIS PHONE AWAY?

THAT'S A LOW BLOW, MAN. WELL, TIME TO GO IN THERE AND KILL THEM?

NO, MAN. WHAT? WE'LL MAKE IT LOOK LIKE A

ROBBERY. JESUS, DUDE. THAT'S NOT WHY WE'RE HERE.

I'M JUST TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHY THEY BAILED ON ME. WHAT'S GOING ON WITH THEM?

THEY LOOK REALLY COZY. THIS IS REALLY NICE. ARE THEY TOGETHER?

WHAT? WOW. ALL RIGHT.

SHOULD WE HEAD OUT? WE'RE NOT DONE, MAN. OH, MY GOD.

THEY'VE GOT A BABY TOO. KIDS, DINO NUGGETS ARE READY. THEY HAVE A FAMILY?

UH-OH, AND ONE MOODY TEEN. DINO NUGGETS AGAIN? OKAY, MISTER, I WORKED VERY

HARD. HONEY, RADICAL ACCEPTANCE. THIS IS INSANE.

IT'S 2015. IT'S NOT INSANE TO BE GAY. IT'S NOT 2015, MAN.

AND I'M NOT MAD THEY'RE GAY. I'M MAD ABOUT THIS SECRET BEAUTIFUL LIFE THEY NEVER TOLD

ME ABOUT. MAYBE THEY'RE SCARED TO TELL ANYONE.

KIDS, UNCLE KENAN IS HERE. I'M GOING TO TEXT HIM BECAUSE KENAN WOULDN'T LIE TO ME.

THEY CAN'T JUST KEEP THROWING THEIR PHONES AWAY. YOU NEVER SAW ANY SIGNS OF

THIS IN THE PAST? NOT THAT I REMEMBER. WE WOULD ALWAYS JUST HANG OUT

AND LAUGH TOGETHER. MAYBE THEY WERE JUST AFRAID TO TELL ME BECAUSE THEY'RE AFRAID

TO HURT ME. THEY CAN'T RISK LOSING ME BECAUSE THEY LOVE ME TOO MUCH.

ARE YOU SURE? WHERE DID THEY EVEN GET THAT? COME ON, KIDS.

TIME FOR BED. WE GOT WORK TO DO. WHAT WORK?

LOOKS LIKE THEY'RE DOING AUDITIONS TO REPLACE YOU. ALEC READING FOR BEN

MARSHALL. I'M GOING IN THERE. AND SATURDAYS, YOU'RE

AVAILABLE BECAUSE -- BEN -- IT'S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE.

THEN TELL ME WHAT IT IS. JOHN AND I HAVE A SECRET FAMILY, AND WE'RE HOLDING

AUDITIONS TO REPLACE YOU. THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT IT WAS. THIS IS INSANE, MAN.

WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS? YOU'RE RIGHT, MAN. WHAT ARE WE DOING?

WE SHOULDN'T BE HOLDING AUDITIONS TO REPLACE HIM BECAUSE THERE'S ONLY ONE YOU.

AND YOU ARE IRREPLACEABLE. RIGHT, BEN? THANKS, GUYS.

BAD BOYS FOR LIFE. MAN, I FEEL LIKE WE'RE BACK AT NYU.

OH, MY GOD, DUDE. SO MUCH BETTER THAN BEN. HE'S THE PERFECT REPLACEMENT.

OH, MAN, HERE WE ARE, Y'ALL. COME ON. Y'ALL WANT TO DO THE SLINGSHOT?

LOOK AT THIS THING, IT'S SO HIGH. MAN, THAT'S WAY UP THERE.

COME ON. IT'S NOT THAT HIGH. LET DO IT.

WHO'S COMING? YOU KNOW I CAN'T GET ON THAT THING.

I GET TOO SCARED. COME ON. PLEASE?

SAM WILL GO WITH YOU. COME ON, SAMMY. YOU CAN'T PUNK OUT IN FRONT OF

YOUR GIRL. YEAH, SAM. HE NEEDS A PARTNER.

YOU'RE BRAVE, RIGHT? I GUESS. GENTLEMEN, READY TO FLY?

WE'RE CLEAR FOR TAKEOFF. YOU THINK THIS THING'S SAFE, RIGHT?

OF COURSE. JUST SHOOTS YOU UP 400 FEET IN THREE SECONDS.

NO PROBLEM, RIGHT? SOUNDS GOOD TO ME. YEAH.

JUST TEN Gs RIGHT IN YOUR FACE. HOPE YOU'RE OKAY WITH THAT. DOESN'T BOTHER ME AT ALL.

I'M A VETERAN. I WAS IN THE AIR FORCE. LOVE THAT.

I WANT TO GET OFF. IT'S TOO LATE FOR THAT, SAMMY.

I REALLY, REALLY WANT TO GET OFF. HE CAN'T HEAR YOU, MAN.

JUST GET READY FOR THE COUNTDOWN. ALL RIGHT.

IT'S HAPPENING IN THREE, TWO -- AHH! OH, MY GOD, JESUS!

THIS IS SO HIGH! WHOO! IT'S LIKE WE'RE BIRDS.

HEY, KEVIN, I THINK I CAN SEE MY HOUSE! KEVIN, YOU SEE IT?

I GOT IT -- HEY, HEY! HEY, MAN, YOU PASS OUT? KEVIN?

KEVIN? ? OH, MY GOD, DID YOU SEE HOW FAST

THEY WEREN'T. IT WAS SO INSANE. HERE THEY COME.

HEY, YOU'RE ALIVE. HOW WAS IT? CRAZY.

I CAN'T BELIEVE I DID THAT. THEY SHOOT YOU UP SO HIGH. THAT WAS PRETTY WILD.

SO WAS IT FUN? OH, ACTUALLY, IT WAS. I MEAN, THAT WAS A

ONCE-IN-A-LIFETIME EXPERIENCE. IT SURE WAS. LET GO ON AND GET IN THE CAR

NOW. YOU KNOW WHAT, KEVIN, I'LL DO IT.

OH, YOU WANT TO DO IT? YOU'LL DO IT WITH ME, RIGHT, BABY?

OF COURSE. GO, GIRL. I LOVE IT.

I CAN'T BELIEVE WE'RE DOING THIS. I CAN'T BELIEVE IT NEITHER.

GLAD TO HAVE YOU BACK. LOOKS LIKE WE GOT A RETURN CUSTOMER.

VERY BRAVE. YEAH, YEAH. HEY, MAN, CAN WE GO UP REAL SOFT

AND COME DOWN REAL GENTLE LIKE. NO CAN DO. THIS THING HAS ONLY ONE SPEED.

BABY, WE'RE GOING TO BE OKAY, RIGHT? I WANT TO SAY YES.

I GUESS WE JUST GOT TO WAIT FOR THE COUNTDOWN. ALL RIGHT.

HERE WE GO. IN THREE, TWO -- AHH! AHH!

OH, KEVIN! KEVIN, YOU OKAY, BABY? OH, MY GOD, TALK TO ME!

I'M PASSING OUT -- I'M PASSING OUT! YOU WERE IN THE AIR FORCE.

OH, YES, YES. I WAS ONLY PAINTING THE PLANES, THOUGH.

KEVIN, JUST CALM DOWN. BABY, I LOST MY JOB THREE WEEKS AGO.

YOU LOST YOUR JOB? OH, MY GOODNESS. I'M 17 YEARS OLDER TOO BY THE

WAY. I THOUGHT YOUR DADDY WAS GOING TO TELL YOU.

WHAT? KEVIN! I'M PEEING.

I'M PEEING ON EVERYTHING, ALL OVER THE PLACE, HONEY. OH, GET ME OUT OF HERE!

YOU KNOW WHAT, I WANT TO DO IT. OH, GOOD.

KEVIN WILL GO WITH YOU. NO, I'M DONE. OH, THIS IS FUN.

WHY IS NOBODY LISTENING TO ME? OH, I'M NOT READY FOR THIS.

OH, I'M NOT READY FOR THIS. I'M NOT READY! AHH!

CREW, PRESENT AND ACCOUNTED FOR, SIR. THANK YOU, MR. DOBBS, AT

EASE. LITTLE FISH, THERE'S TROUBLE OUT THERE IN THE WATERS, SO THEY

TURNED TO US. BUT WE'RE NOT GOING OUT THERE WITH OUR PANTS DOWN, NO, SIR.

UNCLE SAM GAVE US FIRST CLASS TICKETS ON A $5 BILLION NUCLEAR SUBMARINE, AND THIS HIGH-CLASS

KILLING MACHINE HAS BEEN ENTRUSTED TO US FOR ONE PURPOSE. TO DEFEND OUR COUNTRY, GOD'S

COUNTRY. NOW THE PRESIDENT MAY CALL THE SHOTS, BUT THIS HERE IS MY

SUBMARINE. AND IT'S A PROUD BOAT, ISN'T IT, MR. DOBBS?

VERY PROUD, SIR. IT REPRESENTS THE BEST OF US. THE ABSOLUTE BEST, SIR.

AND THIS SHIP BEARS A NOBLE NAME, DOESN'T IT, MR. DOBBS? VERY NOBLE, SIR.

AND WHAT IS THAT NAME, MR. DOBBS? MR. DINGLEBERRY'S

GOOCHBALLOON ASDFJKL SEMICOLON 6969, SIR. SAY IT AGAIN.

MR. DINGLEBERRY'S GOOCHBALLOON ASDFJKL SEMICOLON 6969, SIR.

AND WHY DOES IT HAVE THAT NAME? BECAUSE IT WAS DECIDED BY AN

ONLINE POLL, SIR. AND WHY DID WE LET THAT BE THE NAME?

BECAUSE WE DIDN'T TAKE THE POLL SERIOUSLY UNTIL IT WAS TOO LATE, SIR.

AND WHAT PERCENTAGE OF PEOPLE VOTED FOR THIS TO BE THE NAME? AN OVERWHELMING MAJORITY,

SIR. AND WHY DID WE HAVE A POLL IN THE FIRST PLACE?

TO GET MORE FOLLOWERS ON INSTAGRAM, SIR. AND DID THIS MISSION SUCCEED?

WE GOT MORE VIEWS ON OUR STORIES, BUT OUR FOLLOWERS GREW AT PRETTY MUCH THE NORMAL RATE,

SIR. AND WHO IS MR. DINGLEBERRY? EVERYONE ASSUMES IT WAS YOU,

SIR. AND WHAT WAS THE RUNNER UP IN THE POLL?

DOOKY CRUISER, SIR. AND WAS THAT ANY BETTER? IT WAS SHORTER BUT EQUALLY

BAD, SIR. AND WHAT DOES MR. DINGLEBERRY'S GOOCHBALLOON

ASDFJKL SEMICOLON 6969 MEAN? IT'S JUST WHAT YOU GET IF YOU ROLL YOUR FINGERS ACROSS THE

FINGER BOARD, SIR. AND HOW DID WE ASK TO PRONOUNCE IT?

BY SAYING AS-DA-FA-JACKAL. AND WE DECIDED WHAT? THAT IT WAS TOO COMPLICATED

AND WE SHOULD JUST SAY THE NAME, SIR. AND DID WE KNOW WHAT TO DO

WITH THE SEMICOLON? WE DID NOT, SIR. SO WHAT DID WE DECIDE TO DO?

TO JUST SAY SEMICOLON, SIR. AND WHO WAS BEHIND THIS? @GAY KEVIN FROM THE OFFICE.

AND WHO WAS@GAY KEVIN FROM THE OFFICE? JUST A RANDOM GUY FROM THE

OFFICE, SIR. HELLO, MY DARLING, IS IT URGENT?

IS AND WHY IS IT URGENT? AND WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? AND ON WHICH DAYS WILL I SEE THE

KIDS? OKAY, THEN. NOW YOU KNOW WHO THINKS THEY

KNOW WHY MY WIFE IS LEAVING ME? WE ALL DO, SIR. AND WHY IS THAT?

BECAUSE SHE DIDN'T WANT TO BE MRS. DINGLEBERRY, SIR. AND WHO BLEW UP THE SUBMARINE

JUST NOW? WE ALL DID, SIR. AND WHY DID WE DO IT?

BECAUSE WE DIDN'T WANT TO DIE ON SOMETHING CALLED THE GOOCH BALLOON, SIR.

DAMN RIGHT. CHIEF OF THE BOAT, DISMISS THE CREW.

CREW. AYAY. MR. DINGLEBERRY CREW, FALL OUT

MEANS IT'S TIME TO START SCREENING FOR CLONE CANCER, AND THERE'S NO EASIER WAY TO DO IT

THERE'S NO EASIER WAY TO DO IT THAN WITH COLOGUARD, THE SIMPLE BOX DELIVERED TO YOUR DOORSTEP.

HI. I'M COLOGUARD. OH, YEAH, MY DOCTOR ORDERED

YOU. THAT'S RIGHT. BECAUSE I'M SAFE, EASY TO USE.

HOW'S IT WORK? I JUST NEED TO COLLECT A SAMPLE, SO OPEN ME UP AND GO

INSIDE ME. INSIDE YOU? YEAH, JUST GO INSIDE ME.

IT'S OKAY. I LIKE IT. ARE YOU GOING TO LOOK AT ME

LIKE THAT WHILE I DO IT? SURE. I'M JUST SMILING BECAUSE I LOVE

MY JOB, AND I LOVE WHAT YOU'RE ABOUT TO DO TO ME. WELL, I DON'T LOVE THAT YOU

HAVE A FACE AND A LITTLE MOUTH. AND A NAME. I'M THOMAS.

WHY DO I HATE KNOWING THAT? COME ON, IT'S FUN FOR BOTH OF US.

YOU GET THE SATISFACTION OF KNOWING YOU'RE DOING EVERYTHING YOU CAN TO PROTECT YOUR COLON,

AND I GET ANOTHER KIND OF SATISFACTION. SO GO AHEAD, UNLOAD IN ME.

WHY IS THE U.P.S. GUY WATCHING? HE'S WAITING TO COLLECT THE

SAMPLE AFTER YOU'RE DONE. GO AHEAD, UNLEASH. I DON'T FEEL COMFORTABLE

DOING THIS IN FRONT OF YOU GUYS. WOULD YOU FEEL MORE COMFORTABLE UNLOADING ON A

LITTLE WOMAN LIKE ME? WOULD THAT MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE A REAL MAN?

GOD, NO. I JUST WANT TO BE SCREENED FOR COLON CANCER.

THEN GO AHEAD, DESTROY ME, DADDY, BLOW MY BOX OPEN. YEAH, I WANT TO SEE YOU BLOW

THAT BOX WIDE OPEN. THIS IS SICK. BUT NOT SICK FROM COLON

CANCER. SO JUST GO INSIDE HER, THEN PASS THE SUPER WARM BOX TO THE U.P.S.

GUY. GET IT NICE AND WARM BEFORE YOU HAND IT BACK TO ME.

I'LL EVEN CLOSE MY EYES WHILE YOU DO IT. I SEE YOU PEEKING.

HOW MANY OF YOU ARE THERE? IT'S OKAY. WE'RE JUST HERE TO WATCH.

WE'RE FRIENDLY LIKE MINIONS, SO GO AHEAD AND UNLEASH. STOP SAYING UNLEASH.

WOULD IT HELP IF YOU KNEW THEIR NAMES? THAT'S KYLIE, VICTOR, NEIL, AND

SHEVAT. WE CAN'T WAIT TO SEE YOU UNLEASH.

I'M ACTUALLY GOOD. I JUST REMEMBERED THAT I SCREENED FOR COLON CANCER LAST

YEAR, SO. AND YOU WOULDN'T BE LYING TO US, RIGHT?

OF COURSE NOT. BECAUSE WE CAN ALSO DETECT LIARS.

NOW DROP YOUR PANTS, BLOW OUT HIS BOX, AND THIS WILL ALL BE OVER.

JUST DO WHAT THE LITTLE BOXES SAY TO DO. I'LL GIVE YOU WHAT YOU WANT,

JUST PLEASE DON'T KILL ME. MAN, IS WOODY OKAY? I KNOW HE SMOKES A TON OF

WEED, BUT I'M REALLY STARTING TO WORRY ABOUT HIM. OH.

ALL RIGHT. LET'S HEAD INSIDE AND GIVE HIM SOME PRIVACY.

ACTUALLY, I'M GOING TO STAY. I'M GOING TO WATCH HIM UNLEASH. COLOGUARD, GO AHEAD, WE LIKE

I'M GOING TO WATCH HIM UNLEASH. COLOGUARD, GO AHEAD, WE LIKE IT.

HE'S BEEN HERE FIVE TIMES TOO. DOES HE GET A JACKET? ANYWAY, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

JACK WHITE. ** * I'LL BET YOU DO *

** ** * WHEN YOU

TAKE OUT THE FIGURES PULL ALL THE TRIGGERS * * WELL YOU'RE

TAKING ME BACK TAKING ME BACK * * WHEN YOU LISTEN TO MYSTICS

LAY AT YOUR PICNICS YOU'RE TAKING ME BACK TAKING ME BACK *

* I'LL BET YOU DO NOT FOR LONG I'M ALONE

* WHEN YOU DROP THE MAIL OFF TO ME MAKE US BOTH COFFEE *

* ARE YOU TAKING IT BLACK BREAKING MY BACK * * WHEN YOU

DROP THE MAIL OFF TO ME MAKE US BOTH COFFEE * * ARE YOU TAKING IT BLACK

ARE YOU TAKING ME BACK * ** * I'LL BET YOU DO

I'LL BET YOU DO BUT NOT FOR LONG * **

* I'LL BET YOU DO FEEL ALONE BUT NOT FOR LONG * **

** * IT'S BREAKING MY BACK * **

** * WHOA * **

** ** * WHEN YOU TALK

ABOUT FRICTION TALK ABOUT CHRISTMAS * * ARE YOU TAKING ME BACK

TAKING ME BACK * * WHEN I RECALL THE HISTORY THESE KIDS ARE A MYSTERY

THEY'RE TAKING ME BACK THEY ARE TAKING ME BACK * **

** ** * I'LL BET YOU DO

I'LL BET YOU DO * ** **

** * WHEN THE MOON IS ABOVE YOU DOES IT TELL YOU I LOVE YOU

BY SCREAMING * * WHEN THE SUN STARTS TO FALL

IT'S CRUSHING THE WALLS AND THE CEILING * **

* I CAN'T CONTROL WHEN THE DARK COVERS THE LIGHT FROM

THE SPARKS IN THE CITY * * TO KEEP US ALIVE GONNA HIDE ELECTRICITY *

** ** **

** ** **

** ** **

** ** [ APPLAUSE ]

WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE." I'M MICHAEL CHE? I'M COLIN JOST.

THIS WEEK, PRESIDENT BIDEN MADE A HISTORIC VISIT TO UKRAINE AND MED WITH UKRAINIAN PRESIDENT

VLADIMIR ZELENSKYY WHERE THEY GREETED EACH OTHER LIKE TWO ACTION FIGURES HAVING SEX.

WHILE BIDEN WAS IN UKRAINE, REPUBLICANS CRITICIZED HIS DELAYED RESPONSE TO THE OHIO

TRAIN DERAILMENT, BUT BIDEN SAID HE WAS WAITING TO SHOOT THE TRAIN DOWN UNTIL IT WAS OVER THE

OCEAN. PRESIDENT BIDEN IS BEING PRAISED FOR HIS SURPRISE VISIT

TO UKRAINE BY TAKING A TEN-HOUR TRAIN RIDE FROM POLAND. BIG DEAL, YOU KNOW WHO ELSE

TAKES A TRAIN RIDE THROUGH AN ACTIVE WAR ZONE? EVERY NEW YORKER.

CHINA IMPOSED A 12-PART PLAN FOR PEACE IN UKRAINE. THE PLAN IS THE 12 PARTS HAVE TO

BE ASSEMBLED BY CHILDREN. OTHER THAN THAT, IT'S A GOOD PLAN, I GUESS.

DONALD TRUMP VISITED EAST PALESTINE, THE SITE OF THE RECENT TRAIN DERAILMENT BECAUSE

TRUMP YOU USUALLY TRIES TO MAKE HIMSELF LOOK BETTER BY STANDING NEXT TO A TRAIN WRECK.

THE TRAIN THAT DERAILED WAS CARRYING HIGHLY TOXIC VINYL CHLORIDE WHICH I THINK IS

SOMETHING TRUMP RECOMMENDED AS A CURE FOR COVID. WHILE VISITING THE DISASTER

SITE, TRUMP ALSO GAVE OUT BOTTLES OF TRUMP BRAND WATER. SAID RESIDENTS, THANKS, BUT WE

WOULD RATHER DRINK THE TOXIC TRAIN WATER. PETE BUD JEENL VISITED THE

SITE, AND WAS CRITICIZED FOR WEARING LEATHER BOOTS. GIVE HIM A BREAK.

THAT'S ALL THEY HAD AT BABY GAP. TUCKER CARLSON SEEN HERE AT A WHITES ONLY RAVE HAS BEEN

GRANTED ACCESS TO OVER 40,000 HOURS OF SECURITY FOOTAGE FROM THE JANUARY 6th RIOTS.

WATCHING ALL THAT WOULD MAKE YOU GO INSANE, SAID DOCTORS ABOUT TUCKER CARLSON'S SHOW.

GEORGIA REPRESENTATIVE AND COCAINE BEAR MARJORIE TAYLOR GREEN TWEETED THE COUNTRY NEEDS

A DIVORCE. WHICH MAKES SENSE. FLORIDA GOVERNOR RON DeSANTIS IS

RELEASED A NEW MEMOIR CALLED THE COURAGE TO BE FREE, EVEN THOUGH THAT SOUNDS LIKE A BLACK HISTORY

BOOK HE'S BANNED. IT WAS ANNOUNCED THE PRODUCERS OF THIS YEAR'S ACADEMY

AWARDS HAVE PUT UP A CRISIS TEAM TO DEAL WITH INCIDENTS SIMILAR TO LAST YEAR'S WILL SMITH SLAP.

IT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN AGAIN. IF ANYTHING, IT HELPS RATINGS. THE PROMO SHOULD BE, WHO'S GOING

TO GET SLAPPED THIS YEAR? WHICH BANSHEE WILL KNOCK THE SHOES OFF?

SHOES OFF? AND WHO HAS WHAT IT TAKES TO WHALE ON BRENDAN FRASER.

JAMES ARE STRUGGLING. HERE IS NBA ANALYST AND HALL OF FAMER BILL WALTON.

AMAZING TO BE HERE, SATURDAY NIGHT LIFE, THE PREMIER COMEDY SHOW IN THE HISTORY OF

CIVILIZATION. MICHAEL CHE, LORD OF THE LOWER EAST SIDE, THROW IT DOWN, BIG

FELLA. SURE, MAN. SO YOU'RE AN NBA ANALYST.

YOU ALSO HAVE YOUR OWN SHOW ON NBA TV. AND YOU'RE ALSO A LITTLE WEIRD.

MICHAEL, I'M AN ATHLETE, I'M AN ANALYST. I AM A SPIRITUAL NOMAD.

I AM A CURIOUS NYMPH IN GOD'S ASTONISHING GARDEN, AND I WAS JUST BACKSTAGE IN WOODY

HARRELSON'S DRESSING ROOM. THE SECOND HALF OF THE SHOW IS GOING TO BE BANANAS.

SO TODAY THE LAKERS ARE 13th IN THE WESTERN CONFERENCE. DO YOU THINK THEY'LL MAKE THE

PLAYOFFS? THE LAKERS HAVE A HISTORY THAT WOULD MAKE AVADAGO'S

BEAKERS BOIL WITH CHEMISTRY. LeBRON, ANTHONY DAVIS, AND THE NEWBY DEANGLO RUSSELL, THEIR ON

THE COURT ARTISTRY MOVES ME TO TEARS. ANTHONY DAVIS FOR THREE, GREAT

SHOT. ARE YOU CALLING A GAME RIGHT NOW?

MY SPIRIT GUIDE SENDS ME FLASHES OF WHAT IS, WHAT WAS, AND WHAT SHALL BE.

SO I'M CALLING A GAME THAT TAKES PLACE NEXT WEDNESDAY. OH, D.LO WITH THE LAYUP, AND THE

LEAD IS CUT TO SIX. SO YOU MUST KNOW THE FUTURE. I'LL ASK AGAIN.

ARE THE LAKERS GOING TO MAKE THE PLAYOFFS? A LONG TIME AGO IN A GALAXY

FAR, FAR AWAY, GOD HERSELF BIRTHED THE TECH TONIC MARVEL WE CALL LOS ANGELES, CHE.

OUT OF BOUNDS. LAKERS BALL, THE REFS ARE GOING TO TAKE A LOOK AT THIS ONE.

YES! WHAT WE NOW CALL PARADISE STARTED AS A MEGABONE YARD, BUT

ITS SPIRIT HAS CARRIED ON JUST LIKE THE GRATEFUL DEAD CARRIED ON WHEN THEY BROUGHT IN THE

NOODLER OF NATIONS, JOHN MAYIER, A POET WHOSE ONLY COLLEAGUES ARE THE PLANETS THEMSELVES.

BIG DUNK FROM LeBRON, THROW IT DOWN! GOD, I WISH YOU COULD SEE THIS,

MICHAEL. WELL, I CAN'T. SO TELL ME ARE THE LAKERS GOING

TO MAKE THE PLAYOFFS? YES OR NO? YES THE LAKERS CAN MAKE THE

PLAYOFFS IF THEY CAN ANSWER ONE SIMPLE QUESTION. IS THERE AN AFTERLIFE, AND WHAT

SCIENTIFIC BASIS IS THERE FOR THE PERSISTENCE OF THE SOUL AFTER DEATH?

OH, FOUL ON DAVIS. OH, FOR UNITY WITH THE STARS ARE PLACED IN THE MASSIVE -- TO BE

CRADLED IN OUR CREATOR'S MAGNIFICENT BOSSOM AND HAVE HER WHISPER THE MAGICAL WORDS OF

JABA THE HUT. BILL WALTON, EVERYBODY. THE LAKERS ARE FOULED.

BILL WALTON, EVERYBODY. THE LAKERS ARE FOULED. THANK YOU.

SOME OF HIS INSENSITIVE LANGUAGE LIKE THE WORDS FAT AND UGLY AS WELL AS MODERNIZING HIS

PORTRAYAL OF WOMAN. WHICH WILL MOST LIKELY AFFECT THE BOOK, THE FAT UGLY WIFE WHO

KNEW HER PLACE. IT WAS ANNOUNCED THAT BRITTNEY GRINER HAS SIGNED WITH

THE PHOENIX MERCURY FOR ONE YEAR. UNFORTUNATELY, THE WNBA PAYSLESS

THAN A RUSSIAN PRISON. YOU'RE NOT GOING TO LIKE THIS NEXT ONE.

A FOUR-FOOT LONG ALLIGATOR WAS DISCOVERED IN BROOKLYN'S PROSPECT PARK.

SO YOU CAN PROBABLY TAKE DOWN ALL THOSE MISSING DOG POSTERS. THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

YEAH. THIS WEEK, BOTH HARVEY WEINSTEIN AND R. KELLY WERE GIVEN

ADDITIONAL PRISON SENTENCES ON TOP OF THE ONES THEY ARE ALREADY SERVING, WHICH BRINGS US TO

MICHAEL CHE'S NEW SEGMENT. WHAT DO THEY EVEN DO WRONG? I MEAN, MAINLY THEY'RE GUILTY

OF LOVING TOO MUCH, RIGHT? A PLAYER'S GOT TO PLAY. AM I RIGHT, LADIES?

NO. THIS HAS BEEN, WHAT DID THEY EVEN DO WRONG.

YOU MAKE SOME GOOD POINTS, MICHAEL. A NEW REPORT SHOWS THAT NEW

JERSEY HAS THE SECOND WORST ROADS IN THE COUNTRY. WHILE THE WORST ROADS ARE THE

ONES THAT GO INTO NEW JERSEY. EXPERTS HAVE DEBUNKED CLAIMS THAT AN UNWANTED PREGNANCY CAN

BE TERMINATED WITH HIGH DOSES OF VITAMIN C. THAT'S THE LAST TIME I ASK A

WOMAN TO STAY OVER FOR BREAKFAST, COLIN. THE NBA'S SLAM DUNK CONTEST WAS

WON BY MAC McCLUNG, A 6'2" WHITE MAN WHO HAS ONLY APPEARED IN TWO NBA GAMES, WHICH IS JUST A

TERRIBLE WAY TO END BLACK HISTORY MONTH. THE NATIONAL BROTHERHOOD OF

SKIERS IS PUSHING FOR GREATER REPRESENTATION OF BLACK PEOPLE IN WINTER SPORTS, WHICH ARE

PREDOMINANTLY WHITE. HUH, SO IT SEEMS LIKE SOMEONE'S A LITTLE JEALOUS WE TOOK THEIR

PRECIOUS DUNK CONTEST. MONDAY IS NATIONAL POLAR BEAR DAY.

PREVIOUSLY KNOWN AS NATIONAL POLAR BEARS DAY. I DON'T KNOW.

I LOVE THIS AUDIENCE. THIS IS GOING GREAT FOR ME. A WOMAN -- A WOMAN AT AN ART

FAIR IN MIAMI ACCIDENTALLY SHATTERED A JEFF CON SCULPTURE WORTH MORE THAN $40,000.

I GUESS IT'S LIKE YOU ALWAYS SAY, COLIN, COONS AIN'T SAFE IN FLORIDA.

FLORIDA. YOU'RE GOING TO GET ME KILLED.

A NEW STUDY SHOWS THE COVID BABY BUMP IS OVER AS FEWER AMERICANS ARE CHOOSING TO HAVE KIDS.

HERE TO COMMENT ON JOYS OF MOTHER HOOD IS GINA BIANCHI, A WOMAN WITH FOUR DAUGHTERS AND

ONE SON. HEY, SWEETHEART. YOU BOYS LOOK SO NICE.

THANK YOU. SO YOU'RE A MOM OF FIVE. TELL US ABOUT MOTHERHOOD.

I LOVE IT. SO I'VE GOT MY FOUR DAUGHTERS, AND MY DAUGHTERS ARE FINE.

BUT MY SON, OH, MY GOD. I LOVE MY SON. SO HE CAME OVER LAST SUNDAY, HE

WAS HUNGOVER. HE'S ALWAYS HUNGOVER. HE'S IN MY FRIDGE, HE'S PULLING

OUT HAM, TURKEY, THE MAYONNAISE. HE'S FILLING UP A COOLER, HE LEAVES, DOESN'T SAY BYE.

I'M CRACKING UP. MY DAUGHTERS SAY, THAT'S MA'S FOOD.

YOU CAN'T TAKE MA'S FOOD. I SAY, WHO CARES? GIRLS, SHUT UP.

ANTHONY'S 38 YEARS OLD. HE'S A GROWING BOY. MY DAUGHTERS, SO ANNOYING.

BUT MY SON, OH, I LOVE MY SON. GOT IT. SO WHAT WOULD YOU TELL SOMEONE

THAT'S ON THE FENCE ABOUT HAVING KIDS? THEY SURPRISE YOU EVERY DAY.

LIKE YESTERDAY, MY SON, HE CAME OVER, WHAT WAS HE DOING? OH, HE WAS GOING THROUGH MY

WALLET. THE KID IS PULLING OUT 20, 40, $60 BILLS.

HE WRITES HIMSELF A CHECK FOR 14 GRAND FROM MY CHECKBOOK. WHAT'S HE WRITE IN THE MEMO?

PUTTING UP WITH MA. I'M DYING OVER HERE. MY DAUGHTERS SAY, THAT'S MA'S

MONEY. YOU CAN'T TAKE MA'S MONEY. I'M LIKE, GIRLS, PLEASE, YOU'RE

NOT PRETTY ENOUGH TO BE THIS IRRITATING. BUT MY SON, OH, MY GOD, I LOVE

MY SON. YEAH. NO.

WE'VE HEARD A LOT ABOUT YOUR SON. WHY DON'T YOU TELL ME ABOUT YOUR

DAUGHTER. THEY'RE DOCTORS. BUT MY SON DID THIS HILARIOUS

PRANK LAST NIGHT WHERE HE PRETENDED TO ROB ME AT GUN POINT.

THAT'S TERRIBLE. MY DAUGHTERS SAY, YOU CAN'T DO THAT.

MY DAUGHTERS, THEY BOUGHT ME A HOUSE. BUT MY SON, I MEAN, I WOULD IF I

COULD. OKAY. ALL RIGHT.

WELL -- I WOULD. I --

GETTING BACK TO THE TOPIC OF PARENTHOOD. DO YOU THINK YOUR KIDS ARE GOING

TO HAVE KIDS SOME DAY. OH, PLEASE. THERE'S NOT A WOMAN OUT THERE

GOOD ENOUGH FOR MY SON. SO ANTHONY'S SINGLE? NO.

HE'S BEEN MARRIED FOR TWO YEARS. AND I JUST HAVE THIS FEELING, OKAY, THAT SHE IS GIVING HIM

NOTHING IN BED. LIKE SHE COMPLETELY IGNORES HIS BALLS.

OKAY. WHAT? WHY ARE YOU THINKING ABOUT

THAT? OKAY. AND I BET SHE'S OBSESSED WITH

HAVING AN ORGASM. LIKE, NO, HONEY. THAT'S NOT HOW IT WORKS.

WHEN HE'S DONE, YOU'RE DONE. GINA BIANCHI, EVERYONE. I LOVE ALL MY KIDS EQUALLY.

FOR "WEEKEND UPDATE," I'M COLIN JOST. I'M MICHAEL CHE.

COLIN JOST. I'M MICHAEL CHE. GOOD NIGHT.

THE STUDIO. OH, NO. GOD, WAS IT ABOUT THAT POTENTIAL

WRITER'S STRIKE. NO. WORSE.

THE GENIUSES AT THE STUDIO ARE NO LONGER INTERESTED IN A GUT-WRENCHING DRAMA ABOUT

OBESITY, SO THEY'RE SHUTTING THE FILM DOWN. THAT'S A WRAP ON THE HIPPO.

I KNOW HOW MUCH WORK YOU ALL DID TO WORK ON YOUR ROLES. I SHADOWED A THERAPIST FOR

TWO WEEKS TO GET INTO CHARACTER, BLAKE. AND JONAS GREW A BEARD, WHICH

I KNEW HE HATES. I DO HATE IT. AND FOR HIS ROLE, KEITH

GAINED 450 POUNDS IN SIX MONTHS. TO BE CLEAR, THE MOVIE IS OFFICIALLY DEAD AS IN WE'RE NOT

MAKING IT? NO. THE HIPPO WILL NEVER SEE THE

LIGHT OF DAY. HUH, THAT IS -- THAT'S ROUGH TO HEAR.

WAIT. SO IF WE'RE NOT MAKING THE MOVIE, THAT MEANS I DYED MY HAIR

BROWN FOR NOTHING? HEY, HEY, IT'S FINE. WE'RE ALL UPSET.

KEITH, YOU LOOK LIKE THIS IS HITTING YOU PRETTY HOARD TOO, BUDDY.

YEAH. I GOT TO SAY, THIS IS REALLY UNFORTUNATE FOR ME PERSONALLY.

YEAH, FOR ALL OF US. WE ALL SACRIFICED FOR THIS FILM. I SHADOWED THAT THERAPIST ON MY

OWN TIME. I CAN'T GET THOSE TWO WEEKS BACK.

AND I GAINED 450 POUNDS IN SIX MONTHS. THAT'S A LIFESTYLE CHANGE.

I HAVE SOMETHING CALLED TRIABETES NOW. IT'S THE ONE AFTER DIABETES.

AND I HAVE THIS GOD DAMN BEARD. SORRY.

IT'S ITCHY, AND GROWING IT WAS A HORRIBLE EXPERIENCE. I CAN RELATE BECAUSE GAINING

450 POUNDS IN SIX MONTHS ALSO WAS NOT FUN. I HAD TO EAT SOMETHING CALLED

GRISTLE LOAF. DOES ANYONE KNOW ABOUT THIS? IT'S A COMPRESSED BEEF FAT AND

CORN SIR UP. I KNOW EXACTLY HOW YOU FEEL, KEITH.

MY HAIR IS SO BRITTLE FROM THE BROWN DYE. WELL, THIS IS GRISTLE LOAF BY

THE WAY. IT'S WHAT THEY FEED SICK ELEPHANTS AT THE ZOO TO GET THEM

BACK TO THEIR NORMAL WEIGHT. ATE NINE OF THESE A DAY BECAUSE I THOUGHT I WOULD WIN THE OSCAR.

AND YOU WOULD HAVE. DAMN IT. I SHOULD HAVE SEEN THIS COMING.

THE STUDIO WAS FIGHTING ME FROM DAY ONE. SHAINA, DID YOU KNOW THEY WANTED

YOUR PART TO BE PLAYED BY A WHITE WOMAN? THE SAD THING IS I'M NOT

SURPRISED. AND JONAS, THEY WANTED TO CUT YOU OUT OF ACT THREE.

AND THEN THERE WOULD BE NO RESOLUTION TO THE CUSTODY STORY LINE?

THEY ARE SO AFRAID OF ORIGINAL IDEAS. AND GET THIS, INSTEAD OF

GAINING 450 POUNDS IN SIX MONTHS, THEY WANTED KEITH TO WEAR A FAT SUIT.

IS THAT -- WAS THAT AN OPTION? YEAH.

BUT I TOLD THEM, I SAID, KEITH IS A METHOD ACTOR. HE'S NOT GOING TO WEAR A FAT

SUIT. I REALLY KIND OF WISH YOU HAD BROUGHT ME INTO THAT

CONVERSATION. OH, REALLY? THAT'S MY BAD, MAN.

I'M SORRY. GUYS, THIS WHOLE THING IS MY BAD.

BUT LOOK, AT LEAST YOU GUYS ARE FREE. YOU OKAY?

AT LEAST YOU GUYS ARE FREE TO DO OTHER PROJECTS, RIGHT? LIKE KEITH, YOU HAD AN OFFER FOR

A MARVEL MOVIE, RIGHT? I THINK THAT SHIP HAS SAILED. I'M NOT EXACTLY IN X-MEN SHAPE

RIGHT NOW. WELL, SOMETHING ELSE WILL COME ALONG.

WELL, I DO THIS ON ALL MY FILMS, GUYS. ON OUR LAST DAY OF SET, WE ALL

SAY ONE THING THIS EXPERIENCE GAVE US. SO I'LL GO FIRST.

I HAVE 28 NEW FRIENDS. I HAVE ONE HELL OF A STORY. I HAVE A DEEPER RESPECT FOR

OUR CRAFT. SAME. ALL RIGHT.

YOUR TURN, KEITH. I HAVE -- NOT SEEN MY PENIS IN FOUR

MONTHS. KEITH, YOU KNOW WHAT? MAKE THAT 29 NEW FRIENDS FOR ME.

I WASN'T INCLUDED IN YOUR ORIGINAL FRIEND COUNT? HEY, DID THE STUDIO SAY WHY

THEY SHUT THE MOVIE DOWN? OH, YOU'LL LOVE THIS. THEY SAID THE SCRIPT IS ALMOST

WORD FOR WORD THE SAME AS THAT BRENDAN FRASER MOVIE, THE WHALE. I SAW IT.

BRENDAN FRASER IS GOING TO WIN AN OSCAR. OH, GOOD FOR HIM.

JACK WHITE! ** **

* ASK YOURSELF IF YOU ARE HAPPY, AND THEN YOU CEASE TO BE * * THAT'S A TIP FROM YOU AND ME *

* I DON'T ASK MYSELF FOR NOTHING ANYMORE * * MY PEACE IS FREEDOM FROM THE

MASSES * * THE MASSES CANNOT SING * * THAT'S THE DIFFERENCE IN ME *

* AND I KNOW FOR SURE I DON'T NEED NOBODY'S HELP NOW ANYMORE * **

* WILL I BE ALONE TONIGHT, OH, I DON'T KNOW * * OH, LEAVE ME ALONE TONIGHT,

OH, I DON'T KNOW * ** * EVERYWHERE HE GOES, SOMEONE

SEEMS TO KNOW THE TRUTH ABOUT THE THINGS HE USED TO DO * * AND THAT'S HARD FOR YOU, IT'S

SO HARD TO BE THE ONE WHO KNOWS IT'S TRUE * * I'M WALKING THROUGH THE

PARKING LOT, FINGERS ARE CLENCHING TIGHT, AND THEN I NOTICE THAT I'M ALL ALONE

TONIGHT * * BUT IT'S HARD TO TELL FOR SURE IF I EVEN NEED TO THINK NOW

ANYMORE * ** * OH, WILL I BE ALONE TONIGHT,

OH, I DON'T KNOW * * OH, WILL LOVE LEAVE ME ALONE TONIGHT, OH, I DON'T KNOW *

* OH, WILL LOVE LEAVE ME ALONE TONIGHT, OH, I DON'T KNOW * [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

AND NOW, TWO MEN SPEAK IN HELLO.

MIND IF I USE MY KENNEL BELLS NEXT TO YOU? ONLY IF YOU'LL SPOT ME.

I ALREADY DID FROM ACROSS THE ROOM. I LIKE YOUR SUIT.

I ALWAYS THOUGHT I WAS THE ONLY ONE HERE WHO WORE ONE. WELL, I'M COMING FROM A

WEDDING. WHOSE? MY OWN.

HER NAME IS ASHLEY OR SOMETHING. SHE SOUNDS BEAUTIFUL. WELL, SHE LOOKS UGLY.

SHE HAS A FACE FOR A KN-95. THAT'S WHY I COME HERE, TO ESCAPE.

ME TOO. AND THE MUSIC EXHILARATES ME SO. CAN WE TURN IT UP, MORRIS?

OF COURSE, SIR. THAT'S BEAUTIFUL. WHAT IS THAT YOU'RE PLAYING?

A BIG PIANO, SIR. AH, I THOUGHT SO. SO IS IT LEG DAY?

I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T CELEBRATE THAT IN MY CULTURE.

OF COURSE. WELL, IT'S CHEAT DAY FOR ME. DOES THAT MEAN --

I'M ALLOWED TO COMMIT ADULTERY, YES. I SHOULD TELL YOU I'M ALSO

MARRIED. YES, I THINK OUR WIVES KNOW EACH OTHER FROM THAT LESBIAN

RELATIONSHIP THEY'RE IN. THAT'S RIGHT. HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THAT?

I THINK IT'S DISGUSTING. ONE PAIR OF BOOBIES IS BAD ENOUGH.

SAY, DO YOU HAVE A FAVORITE MACHINE? I LIKE THE ONE THAT MAKES THE

TOAST. I MEANT ONE AT THE GYM. OH.

I GUESS IT'S A TIE BETWEEN THE COBBLESTONE TREADMILL AND THE STATIONARY VESPA.

HMM. THIS GYM IS SO CLASSY IT SHOULD BE CALLED JAMES.

NOW, EXCUSE ME. I'M GOING TO USE THE ROWING MACHINE.

BOAT RIMES WITH FLOAT, COINCIDENCE? I THINK NOTE.

WOW. LOOK AT YOU GO, GIRL. THANKS FOR NOTICING.

I'VE REALLY BEEN GOING BEAST MODE LATELY IN THAT I KEEP A BEAUTIFUL ROSE UNDER A BELL JAR.

OF COURSE. OH, SHOOT. I FORGOT MY PROTEIN POWDER.

I BROUGHT SOME. AH. MAY I BORROW?

OF COURSE. HOW DO YOU TAKE IT? HERE AND HERE.

GOOD. THANK YOU. ARE YOU GOING TO WIPE THE

MACHINE? WIPE? WHY?

DID IT DOO DOO? DID IT DOO DOO, THAT SOUNDS LIKE MORSE CODE.

WELL, I WAS IN THE ARMY. BTS. AND I WAS IN THE NAVY.

RIHANNA. I'VE NEVER ACTUALLY USED THAT MACHINE BEFORE, BUT I LIKE HOW

THERE'S A POSTER THAT SHOWS YOU HOW TO DO THE EXERCISE. AH, IT LOOKS LIKE TWO FELLOWS

EXPLORING EACH OTHER'S BODIES. IT'S HELPFUL EITHER WAY. YOU KNOW, THIS PLACE CAN BE SO

SENSUAL. LOOK, MY GYM CRUSH IS OVER THERE.

I SEE YOU. WHAT A HUNK. THIS GYM REALLY IS A PLACE FOR

EVERYONE. ROID BOYS, YOGA GIRLS, GYM RATS. LOOK.

THERE'S A GYM RAT OVER THERE. WOW. WHAT A GREAT DAY AT THE MOST

BEAUTIFUL GYM IN THE WORLD. I'M BEGINNING TO THINK I'VE MADE A NEW BEST FRIEND.

AS HAVE I, FRIEND. NOW SHALL WE GET BACK TO OUR WORKOUT?

GREAT IDEA. THERE'S NOTHING LIKE A GOOD OLD -- OH, NO!

I TORE MY ACL. WHAT DOES THAT STAND FOR? MY ASS CRACK AND LEGS.

OH, NO. I THINK WE'VE DONE ENOUGH FOR TODAY.

WE'VE ALREADY WORKED THE MOST IMPORTANT MUSCLE. THE PECTORALS?

THE PECTORALS? CLOSE. THE HEART.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, ON BEHALF OF EVERYBODY HERE AT SNL, I WOULD LIKE TO PRESENT THIS

FIVE-TIMERS JACKET TO JACK WHITE. I GOT YOU, BABY.

THERE IT IS. VERY NICE, VERY NICE. WHOO!