Original subtitles

CRIMINALS BEWARE. THERE'S A NEW SHERIFF IN TOWN,

AND HE MEANS BUSINESS. FIRST, HE THE HUNTED DOWN THE JANUARY 6th INSURRECTIONISTS AND

MADE THEM PAY. [ WHIP CRACKING ] NOW SHE'S SEARCHING FOR

CLASSIFIED DOCUMENTS, AND HE'S COMING FOR WHOEVER HAS THEM, DEMOCRATS, REPUBLICANS, OR

WHATEVER TRUMP IS NOW. AND YOU DON'T WANT TO BE IN HIS CROSS HAIRS.

HE'S ATTORNEY GENERAL MERRICK GARLAND. HELLO.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] I'M MERRICK GARLAND. I MAY LOOK LIKE I WAS BORN IN A

LIBRARY, BUT THERE'S SOMETHING YOU SHOULD KNOW. [ WHIP CRACKING ]

MERRICK GARLAND DON'T PLAY. [ WHIP CRACKING ] AS YOU MAY HAVE HEARD,

CLASSIFIED DOCUMENTS HAVE BEEN FOUND IN THE HOMES OF PRESIDENT BIDEN AND FORMER VICE-PRESIDENT

PENCE WHOSE LAWYERS ARE COOPERATING. AND ALSO, AT THE HOME OF FORMER

PRESIDENT TRUMP, WHOSE LAWYER PUT A HORSE HEAD IN MY BED. SOME HAVE SAID THE FEDERAL

GOVERNMENT CLASSIFIES TOO MANY DOCUMENTS. ABOUT 50 MILLION A YEAR.

THIS HAS LED PEOPLE TO ASK, DOES RECOVERING THESE DOCUMENTS EVEN MATTER?

TO WHICH I SAY, I DON'T KNOW. BUT IT'S THE LAW. [ WHIP CRACKING ]

AND I AM THE LAW. TO ENFORCE THE LAW, I SENT TEAMS TO SEARCH THE HOMES OF SEVERAL

RECENT PRESIDENTS AND VICE-PRESIDENTS. STARTING WITH MIKE PENCE.

SPECIAL AGENT CONRAD NANCE WILL BRIEF YOU ON WHAT WE DISCOVERED. ALL RIGHT.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH. UPON ARRIVING AT MR. PENCE'S INDIANA HOME, I KNEW RIGHT AWAY

THIS MAN NEEDED A FRIEND. WHEN HE OPENED THE DOOR, HE SAID, YOU CAME!

WITH A BIG SMILE, AND HE OFFERED TO MAKE US PANCAKES. OUR SEARCH TURNED UP NO

ADDITIONAL CLASSIFIED DOCUMENTS. HOWEVER, IN AN ENVELOPE MARKED "TAX STUFF" WE DISCOVERED

PHOTOGRAPHS OF THE COUNTRY POP STAR SINGER SHANIA TWAIN CUT OUT FROM SEVERAL MAGAZINES.

WHEN CONFRONTED, MR. PENCE SAID, I'M SORRY. I'M DISGUSTING.

THEN WE INFORMED MR. PENCE THAT WE WERE DONE AND HAD TO LEAVE. HE SAID, HOW CAN YOU LEAVE WHEN

YOU'RE IT? AND THEN TAGGED ME ON THE SHOULDER AND RAN AWAY.

HOPING THAT I WOULD CHASE AFTER HIM AND PLAY TAG, WHICH I DID NOT.

I WILL SAY, THOUGH, THAT IF YOU KNOW MR. PENCE, IF YOU'RE FRIENDS WITH HIM, CHECK ON YOUR

PEOPLE. THAT'S ALL. ALL RIGHT.

THANK YOU, AGENT NANCE. NEXT, SPECIAL AGENT CASEY COMBS WILL DISCUSS IF THERE WERE ANY

CLASSIFIED DOCUMENTS AT VICE-PRESIDENT KAMALA HARRIS' HOME.

COME ON NOW. JOE BIDEN WON'T EVEN GIVE THIS WOMAN A PEN.

YOU THINK SHE HAS CLASSIFIED DOCUMENTS? PLEASE.

KAMALA HARRIS WITH CLASSIFIED DOCUMENTS. WELL, WE HAD TO AT LEAST

CHECK. THANK YOU, AGENT COMBS. FINALLY, WE SEARCHED FORMER

PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA'S HOME. SPECIAL AGENT DERECK KAY WILL DISCUSS WHAT WE FOUND.

THANK YOU. YEAH. DON'T MEAN TO BRAG, BUT I WAS IN

BARACK OBAMA'S HOUSE. YEAH. NO BIG DEAL.

BUT IT WAS REALLY FUN. MR. OBAMA OPENED THE DOOR AND SAID, ARE YOU SELLING GIRL SCOUT

COOKIES, WHICH HAD US ALL TOTALLY CRACKING UP, LIKE COMPLETELY DEAD.

WE THEN ENTERED THE HOME AND WERE SHOWN A NUMBER OF THINGS, INCLUDING 175 LETTERS FROM LIN

MANUEL BEGGING THE PRESIDENT TO PERFORM HAMILTON. OBAMA LIKE READ ONE AS LIN

MANUEL. I'M NOT JOKING. IT WAS SO FUNNY.

ANYWAY, WE ASKED HIM ABOUT CLASSIFIED DOCUMENTS, AND HE SAID HE WAS, QUOTE, OUT OF THE

GOVERNMENT GAME AND DOING THE HOLLYWOOD THING NOW. BUT THEN, BEYONCE CALLED HIM ON

HIS CELL PHONE, AND HE IGNORED IT. SO, YEAH, JUST LIKE A REALLY

COOL, FUN TIME. ALL RIGHT. THERE YOU HAVE IT, AMERICA.

IF YOU HAVE CLASSIFIED DOCUMENTS IN YOUR HOME, I HAVE ONE QUESTION FOR YOU.

YOU THINK THIS IS A GAME? WHO DO YOU THINK YOU'RE PLAYING WITH?

[ WHIP CRACKING ] F AROUND AND FIND OUT. HEY, BOSS.

WHEN WE DONE PLAYING WITH THESE LITTLE PAPERS, WE GOING TO HEAD DOWN TO MEMPHIS AND MAKE SURE

JUSTICE IS SERVED DOWN THERE TOO, RIGHT? I SINCERELY HOPE SO.

YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT. AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!

Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE."

WITH --

MUSICAL GUEST -- LIL BABY. AND YOUR HOST, MICHAEL B. JORDAN.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MICHAEL B. JORDAN.

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU VERY MUCH. I AM SO HAPPY TO BE HERE.

MY NAME IS MICHAEL B. JORDAN. BUT TONIGHT, MICHAEL B. HOSTING. MICHAEL B. JOKING.

AND HONESTLY, MICHAEL B. NERVOUS. MICHAEL B. VULNERABLE.

BUT DON'T WORRY. MICHAEL B. ALL RIGHT. BECAUSE MICHAEL B. IN THERAPY.

IT'S BEEN A GREAT WEEK HERE AT SNL. YESTERDAY, I HAD A CRAZY FULL

CIRCLE MOMENT. WE PRESHOT SOME VIDEOS FOR THE SHOW.

WHEN I GOT TO THE STUDIO, I REALIZED IT WAS THE EXACT SAME PLACE I SHOT ONE OF MY FIRST

ACTING ROLES ON THE SOAP OPERA, "ALL MY CHILDREN" I WAS 16 YEARS OLD.

HERE'S A CLIP. I TOLD YOU IN THE BEGINNING YOU SET THE PACE.

SO YOU'RE NOT MAD? NO. SOMETIMES THE ANIMAL IN ME JUST

GETS KIND OF CRAZY. [ HOWLING ] PRETTY SURE I HIT PUBERTY

MID-HOWL. THAT WAS 2003. AND NOW 20 YEARS LATER, I JUST

DIRECTED MY VERY FIRST MOVIE, "CREED III" BUT RIGHT AFTER THAT, I WENT THROUGH MY VERY

FIRST PUBLIC BREAKUP. MOST PEOPLE AFTER A BREAKUP ARE LIKE, I'M GOING TO GET IN BETTER

SHAPE. BUT I WAS ALREADY IN CREED SHAPE.

SO I HAD TO BE LIKE, ALL RIGHT, I GUESS I'LL LEARN A NEW LANGUAGE.

ANYWAY, ESTOY EN RAYA. AFTER THE BREAKUP, EVERYONE THOUGHT I WAS SO HEART BROKEN.

I WAS AT A BASKETBALL GAME WHEN THE NEWS BROKE OUT, AND THEY CAUGHT ME LOOKING LIKE THIS.

I WAS JUST CHILLING, BUT THE INTERNET DECIDED THAT WAS ME BEING SAD.

LUCKY FOR ME, IF YOU GOOGLE MICHAEL JORDAN, THE FIRST 8,000 RESULTS ARE THIS.

HEY, MICHAEL. WHAT'S UP, CHLOE? NOT MUCH.

SO I KNOW YOU'RE SINGLE, BUT DID YOU KNOW THAT I'M SINGLE? DON'T YOU DATE THAT HOT

WRITER? NOT IF YOU'RE AVAILABLE. HEY.

COULD YOU REMIND ME HOW TO SPELL YOUR NUMBER? HEY, CHLOE, DON'T YOU HAVE TO

GO AWAY? I'M SORRY, BITCH. HEY, MIKEY B.

FIND IF I CALL YOU MIKEY B.? I WOULD RATHER YOU NOT. OKAY.

A MAN WHAT KNOWS WHAT HE WANTS. I LIKE THAT. YOU KNOW, I HAVE A CREED POSTER

IN MY BEDROOM. OH, NICE. I ALWAYS DREAMED OF PEOPLE

HAVING MY POSTER UP ON THE WALL. YEAH, WALL, PRINTED ON TO A BODY PILLOW.

WHATEVER. EXCUSE ME. GO ON, BITCH.

HEY, MICHAEL. I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW YOU WERE OUT HERE.

YOU DIDN'T KNOW I WOULD BE ON STAGE DELIVERING MY MONOLOGUE? SORRY.

I WAS JUST TAKING A WALK AROUND THE STUDIO, AND I JUST THREW THIS ON.

IS THIS A WEDDING DRESS? I GUESS WE COULD TECHNICALLY GET MARRIED NOW THEN, HUH?

THAT'S NOT HOW THAT WORKS. OUR FIRST FIGHT. MAKEUP SEX?

EGO. FINE, MICHAEL. MICHAEL, MICHAEL, MICHAEL.

MM. BOY, YOU LOOKING FINE AS EVER AS ALWAYS.

PUNKIE. I GOT THE SAME SUIT LIKE YOU GOT.

AREN'T YOU GAY? I AM. BUT YOU MICHAEL B. JORDAN.

AND I'M PUNKIE B. CURIOUS. I MEAN, EVEN VEGANS GOT CHEAT DAYS, RIGHT?

NO, THEY DON'T. BOY, YOU SO FUNNY. I SEE YOU AT THE AFTERPARTY,

BABE. LOOK, I JUST WANT TO SAY I'M SO GRATEFUL TO BE STANDING ON

THIS STAGE. YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES I CAN TAKE MYSELF A LITTLE TOO SERIOUSLY.

BUT TONIGHT, I'M GOING TO HAVE FUN. I'M GOING TO GO FOR IT AND

MAYBE, JUST MAYBE, LET THE INNER ANIMAL GET A LITTLE CRAZY. [ HOWLING ]

[ HOWLING ] WE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.

WELCOME BACK TO GOOD MORNING TODAY. LATER IN THE HOUR, WE'LL BE

TALKING PIT BULLS. WHO ARE THEY, WHAT DO THEY WANT FROM US, AND HOW ARE THEY SO

YOLKED? BUT FIRST, IT'S TIME FOR CUISINE WITH FRANCINE.

CAN I JUST SAY I'M SO HAPPY FRANCINE IS BACK. ME TOO, AS I'M SURE MOST OF

OUR VIEWERS KNOW, FRANCINE WAS GONE YESTERDAY BECAUSE SHE GOT STUCK ON A RUN AWAY ROLLER

COASTER GOING 150 MILES AN HOUR FOR 19 HOURS STRAIGHT. NOW SHE'S BACK BETTER THAN

EVER AND NOT THE LEAST BIT PHASED. HI, FRANCINE!

HI, RICHARD. HI TANIA, IT'S GREAT TO BE BACK, AND I'VE GOT SOME REALLY

EXCITING FLAVORS TO SHARE WITH YOU ALL TODAY. WOW, FRANCINE.

YOU LOOK NUTS. DID YOU COME HERE STRAIGHT FROM THE AMUSEMENT PARK?

SURE DID. COULDN'T BE LATE TO BE BACK IN THE STUDIO.

WELL, THAT'S GREAT. SO WHAT'S ON THE MENU TODAY, FRANCINE?

WELL, I HOPE YOU HAVE YOUR PASSPORTS READY BECAUSE TODAY WE'RE OFF TO ITALIA.

JOIN ME, WON'T YOU, FOR A CULTURE ADVENTURE THAT WILL HAVE YOU SAYING MAMA MIA.

TODAY, WE'RE EATING BUFFALO MOZZARELLA. CROSTINI, AND OF COURSE A GLASS

OF CHIANTI. SALUD! NOW THAT'S GOOD VINO.

LOOKS LIKE THAT HIT THE SPOT. AT LEAST THE PART THAT GOT IN.

MM! REALLY COMPLEMENTS THE WINE. SO MANY TWISTS AND TURNS AS MY

ROLLER COASTER RIDE FROM HELL. WHAT? I THINK SHE -- I THINK SHE

COMPARED THE WINE TO ALL THOSE LOOP-DE-LOOPS. WE ACTUALLY HAVE SOME VIDEO OF

THAT. YEAH. MUST BE HARD TO WATCH, HUH,

FRANCINE? WHAT WAS THAT? I COULDN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE

CRISPY CRUNCH OF MY CRISPY, CRUNCHY, CROSTINI. WELL, THANKS, FRANCINE.

NOW IT'S TIME FOR THE WEATHER WITH OUR VERY OWN JASON BURRESS. HI, GUYS.

IT LOOKS LIKE A DOOZY. OBVIOUSLY WE FORGOT TO MENTION THAT JASON WAS ALSO

TRAPPED ON THE ROLLER COASTER. I ACTUALLY THINK WE HAVE A PICTURE OF THAT.

OH. SO HOW'S THE WEATHER LOOKING, JASON?

IT'S NOT GOOD AT ALL. WE HAVE SNOW COMING IN FROM THE EAST.

UH-HUH. WE HAVE SNOW COMING IN FROM THE WEST, UH-HUH.

SNOW FROM THE TOP, YEAH, AND SNOW FROM THE BOTTOM. LOOK, I'M DIZZY AS HELL FROM

THAT ROLLER COASTER RIDE. WAIT A MINUTE. SOMETHING SURE SMELLS GOOD.

OH, WHAT YOU COOKING OVER THERE, FRANCINE? JUST SOME MINESTRONE SOUP.

BUT CAREFUL, IT'S HOT. YOU GOT TO BLOW ON IT. MM.

THAT LOOKS DELICIOSO. MM. OH, MM, MM, MM.

YES. GREAT. WELL, I GUESS YOU GUYS MUST

BE PRETTY HUNGRY AFTER THAT CRAZY RIDE. YEAH.

THE ONLY THING WE HAD TO EAT WERE THE BUGS THAT FLEW INTO OUR OPEN MOUTHS.

YEAH. BUGS LIKE BUMBLEBEES, CICADAS, AND ONE DOG-SIZED BAT.

NOW, THAT'S A SPICY MEATBALL. WOULD YOU CARE FOR SOME SPAGHETTI, JASON?

OH, OKAY. OH, MY GOSH. YOU GUYS ARE SO CUTE TOGETHER.

OF COURSE YOU PROBABLY GOT REAL CLOSE DURING YOUR TIME TOGETHER ON THE ROLLER COASTER.

WAIT. WHAT ARE THEY DOING NOW? I THINK THEY'RE DOING A

LITTLE LADY AND THE TRAMP THING. AWW, SO ROMANTIC. I'M SORRY.

FRANCINE, IS THERE SOMETHING UNDER YOUR SHIRT? OH, I ALMOST FORGOT.

SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND. IS THAT A BIRD KICKING ITS LITTLE LEGS?

YEP. HE FLEW STRAIGHT INTO HER STOMACH AT 200 MILES AN HOUR.

THE DOCTORS SAY IF I PULL IT OUT, BOTH OF US WILL DIE. NOW BACK TO YOU GUYS.

ALL RIGHT. COMING UP NEXT, OUR EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH THE TEENAGE BOY

WHO OPERATED THE ROLLER COASTER AND WHY HE DID NOTHING TO STOP IT.

IT. TWO REASONS:TOO DUMB AND TOO HIGH.

PRIDE OURSELVES ON A SMOOTH FLYING EXPERIENCE. OVER THE HOLIDAY SEASON, WE

MESSED UP. OUR SYSTEM COLLAPSED, AND THOUSANDS OF FLYERS WERE LEFT

STRANDED, AND YOU UNDERSTANDABLY SCREAMED AT US FOR DAYS ON END, EVEN MORE THAN YOU USUALLY DO.

AND SURE, WE LOST $800 MILLION IN REV KNEW AND ARE BEING INVESTIGATED BY THE FAA.

FOR STARTERS, WE ARE FINALLY UPGRADING OUR ENTIRE COMPUTER SYSTEM TO 2008 DELL COMPUTERS.

THAT'S RIGHT. WE ARE SAYING GOOD-BYE TO THOSE IBM THINKPAD LAPTOPS WITH THE

LITTLE RED NIPPLE IN THE MIDDLE. NO MORE MISSING BAGGAGE AT BAGGAGE CLAIM, GUARANTEED.

FROM HERE ON OUT, ALL LUGGAGE WILL BE SORTED BY COLOR. THAT MAKES IT YOUR

RESPONSIBILITY, NOT OURS. SO IF YOU'RE GOING TO DALLAS, BRING A RED SUITCASE.

BLUE BAGS GO TO CHARLOTTE. AND GET TO THE AIRPORT EARLY TO ENJOY OUR NEW PREMIER LOUNGE

LOCATED INSIDE STARBUCKS. WE HOLD DOWN TWO OR THREE TABLES FOR Y'ALL.

WE'RE MODERNIZING OUR AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL NETWORK. WE WILL BE USING OUR OLD IBM

THINKPAD LAPTOPS WITH THE LITTLE RED NIPPLE IN THE MIDDLE. NOW I GET A PROPER FLIGHT

SCHEDULE INSTEAD OF FINDING OUT WHERE I'M GOING 15 MINUTES BEFORE TAKEOFF.

AND NOW WE'RE STREAMLINING CHECK IN BY NOT HAVING ONE AT ALL.

TRYING TO FILL UP THE PLANE AND GO. YOU GOOD.

WE'RE ALSO UPGRADING OUR INFLIGHT STAFF STRICTLY WITH PEOPLE WHO USED TO WORK AT

WAFFLE HOUSE. COME AT THEM IF YOU WANT, BUT THESE BIG PITCHES DON'T PLAY.

THAT'S ON US. MOSTLY. SOME OF IT'S ON YOU.

YOU BOUGHT THE TICKET. AGAIN, YOU BOUGHT A SOUTHWEST TICKET.

YOU OBVIOUSLY DON'T RESPECT YOURSELF, SO WHY SHOULD WE? THANK YOU.

THANK YOU. THANK YOU. FOR FLYING SOUTHWEST.

WELCOME ABOARD. SOUTHWEST AIRLINES. IF IT'S THAT IMPORTANT TO YOU,

SOUTHWEST AIRLINES. IF IT'S THAT IMPORTANT TO YOU, JUST WALK.

THEN, SOMEHOW, THEY FIND NEMO. NO, MAN. THAT'S CRAZY, MAN.

IT'S A BIG OCEAN AND LIKE A SMALL LITTLE FISH. I KNOW, MAN.

THEY GOT LUCKY, MAN. WHAT CAN I SAY, THEY GOT LUCKY. HEY.

CAN I GET A TOWEL? YES, OF COURSE. HEY, YOU AMERICAN?

I AM, YEAH. ELLEN DEMENEMES? WHAT?

YOU KNOW, THE TV LADY, ELLEN DEMENEMES. SHE ALWAYS COME OUT DANCING, YOU

KNOW WHAT I MEAN? LIKE ELLEN DEMENEMES. YOU KNOW?

OKAY. YOU DON'T KNOW ELLEN DEMENEMES?

SHE'S MARRIED TO THE CAR. THE PORSCHE. THAT CHICK IS FUNNY, MAN.

YEAH, ELLEN DeGENERES. CAN I PLEASE HAVE MY TOWEL? THAT TOOK WAY TOO LONG.

YOU KNOW, LAST NIGHT, I SAW THIS MOVIE, "MISSION:IMPOSSIBLE" BUT THE MISSION NOT IMPOSSIBLE

BECAUSE HE GOING TO DO IT. THEY SHOULD CALL IT MISSION:HE PROBABLY GOING TO DO

IT. WHAT'S UP, FELLAS, CAN I GET A TOWEL POR FAVOR?

MY FRIEND ON DUALINGO. YOU AMERICAN? YEAH.

GIVE ME A CANNOLI OR I'M GOING TO DROWN YOU. THAT'S EASY FOR HIM BECAUSE HE

STRONG. HEY, MAN. HERE'S YOUR TOWEL, MAN.

GRACIAS. TOTAL DELL BANO. YOU'RE WELCOME TO THE

BATHROOM, MAN. WHAT'S GOING ON? DID YOU GUYS SEE ELLEN

DEMENEMES? ELLEN DEMENEMES. NO, SHE'S NOT HERE.

I JUST WANTED TO CHECK IN WITH MY TWO FAVORITE TOWEL GUYS. QUESTION FOR YOU, MAN.

IS IT TRUE YOU'RE TRYING TO REPLACE US WITH A MACHINE? NO.

I WOULD NEVER DO THAT, NO. COULD YOU PLEASE? YEAH, MAN, BECAUSE THEN WE

CAN DO DIFFERENT JOB IN THE HOTEL. I WANT TO FOLD THE TOILET PAPER

INTO A LITTLE TRIANGLE SO FOR THE FIRST WIPE, IT'S CRAZY. YEAH.

AND I WANT TO BE THE CONSIERGE. I GET A MAP, AND I CIRCLE THINGS ON THE MAP, AND THEN I SAY, YOU

CAN GO THERE. AS WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE ONCE SAID, THE VERY SUBSTANCE OF A

DREAM -- EXCUSE ME. I'M SORRY.

I DON'T SPEAK ENGLISH YOU GUYS WANT TO KNOW A SECRET? I DO SPEAK ENGLISH.

MAMACITAS, 2:00. CAN WE GET A TOWEL? YES, OF COURSE.

IT'S ONE FOR THE OLD LITTLE MERMAID, AND ONE FOR THE NEW LITTLE MERMAID.

* A WHOLE NEW GIRL * VERY FUNNY, GUYS. THAT SONG IS FROM ALADDIN.

I WANT TO CLIMB ON A LADDER. I'M HAVING THE TIME OF MY LIFE DOWN HERE IN PUNTA CANA.

THAT'S NICE. I LOVE THE WAY Y'ALL BE PLAYING WITH THE PLANTAIN.

I DIDN'T THINK I WAS GOING TO LIKE IT, BUT NOW I'M LIKE, BANANA FOR DINNER, OKAY?

YOU KNOW WHO YOU SOUND LIKE, THE FORRY GUM. THE GUY WHO CAN'T FIND YENNY.

HIS BRAIN DON'T REACH HIS LEGS, SO HE CAN RUN FOREVER. I WANT TO THANK YOU FELLAS

FOR ALL YOUR HELP TODAY. CAN I GIVE YOU SOMETHING FOR YOUR TROUBLE?

WE IS ACCEPT TIPS, POPPY. I'LL DO YOU ONE BETTER THAN A TIP.

HOW ABOUT A PRAYER. LORD, PLEASE PROTECT THESE WONDERFUL DOMINICAN GENTLEMEN

FROM THE HARSH SUN. I WANTED MONEY, POPPY. THE MONEY WOU BE BETTER, MAN.

LORD, PROTECT THEM FROM ALL EVIL IN JESUS' NAME, AMEN. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

YOU KNOW, JESUS IS GOOD. BUT MONEY IS BETTER. YOU KNOW WHO HAS A LOT OF MONEY?

ELLEN DEMENEMES. ELLEN DEMENEMES. * ELLEN DEMENEMES *

AS A HOMEOWNER, YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT'S GOING TO GO WRONG. I WANTED TO GIVE HIM A BATH.

LUCKILY, STATE FARM HAS YOU COVERED NO MATTER WHAT THE ISSUE.

WITH THE STATE FARM APP, YOU CAN FILE A CLAIM IN SECONDS SO YOU CAN GET BACK TO YOUR LIFE.

WOW, THAT WAS EASY. THANKS, JAKE FROM STATE FARM. LIKE A GOOD NEIGHBOR, STATE

FARM IS THERE. GUESS I WON'T BE LATE FOR WORK AFTER ALL.

ONE MORE THING. IS THIS DRYER SAFE. BY, HON.

HAVE A GREAT DAY. HEY, DO YOU WANT A CUP OF COFFEE?

I WOULD LOVE ONE. NO MATTER WHAT YOUR INSURANCE NEEDS, STATE FARM HAS A POLICY

FOR YOU. HELLO? OH, JAKE FROM STATE FARM.

YOU'RE STILL HERE. UNLIKE OTHER INSURANCE COMPANIES, STATE FARM IS HERE

FOR YOU 24/7. RIGHT. SO WHAT'S THE PLAN FOR DINNER?

OH, JAKE AND THE KIDS AND I WENT OUT FOR PIZZA. BUT THERE SHOULD BE STUFF IN THE

FRIDGE TO MAKE A SANDWICH. BOOM, BOOM, BOOM. TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME.

I WILL. AND IN SPORTS, THE BLUE JAYS AND YANKEES MEET TONIGHT FOR THE

DECIDING GAME. WHOA. LOOK WHO'S UP, SLEEPY HEAD.

THINK FAST. HEY. WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU?

JAKE AND I TOOK THE KIDS TO CHURCH. TO CHURCH?

YES, TO CHURCH. AND I HAPPEN TO AGREE. NOW EXCUSE ME.

YOU'RE GETTING IT. YOU'RE A NATURAL. GIVE ME SOME.

LIKE A GOOD NEIGHBOR, STATE FARM IS THERE. SOME HEAT.

STATE FARM IS THERE. I TAKE THE INSURANCE CLAIM. STATE FARM IS THERE.

STATE FARM IS THERE. YOU LOOKING FOR BETTER RATES? JESUS.

YOU KNOW YOU WON'T FIND THEM. STATE FARM IS RATE MATCHED EVEN IF YOU DO FIND CHEAPER COVERAGE,

WE'LL JUST MATCH IT. THIS IS MY HOUSE, AND I WANT HIM GONE.

HE IS NOT A GOOD NEIGHBOR! GET YOUR FINGER OUT OF MY FACE!

SAVE EVEN MORE WHEN YOU BUNDLE HOME AND AUTO. SLEEP TIGHT.

STATE FARM IS WITH YOU 24/7. I JUST WANTED A POLICY! LIKE A GOOD NEIGHBOR, STATE FARM

IS THERE, AND HERE AND IN MY BED WITH MY WIFE! HE TOOK EVERYTHING, EVERYTHING!

STEP AWAY FROM THE EDGE. YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS, BUDDY * LIMU EMU *

AND DOUG. LIMU AND I CAN HELP SNOENT LIBERTY, LIBERTY, LIBERTY *

OKAY, GUYS. THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE TO LAY DOWN SOME VOICEOVER FOR THE

MUCH-ANTICIPATED STREET FIGHTER 6 GAME. EXCITED TO BE HERE, THANKS.

THRILLED TO BE ON BOARD. THANKS FOR BEING HERE LAST MINUTE, OUR LAST ACTOR QUIT DUE

TO CREATIVE DIFFERENCES AND BECAUSE I SLEPT WITH HIS WIFE. ACTORS.

I KNOW. SO TRACE, YOU WILL BE PLAYING KEN, A FORMER U.S. FIGHTING

CHAMP. TOTALLY IN MY ELEMENT. I SERVED FOR THREE YEARS.

DANNY, YOU ARE A MARTIAL ARTIST SEEKING TRUE STRENGTH, RYU.

LOVE. FOR THE FIRST TAKE, LET'S GET YOU MAKING EFFORTS.

TAKING BLOWS, HITS, EVERYTHING. ROLLING. AND ACTION.

BOOM, AH! HA! HIYA!

YES, THAT'S GREAT. DANNY, LET'S GET THE SAME FROM YOU.

OKAY. WHOO! YEA!

HOO! LET'S GO! THAT WAS REALLY FUN.

THANKS FOR LETTING ME PLAY. YEAH. SO I GUESS WE WERE LOOKING FOR

MORE GRUNTS, YOU KNOW? YOU'RE FIGHTING. YOU'RE IN PAIN.

I SEE. SO MAYBE DO IT LIKE YOU'RE FIGHTING OR IN PAIN.

GOT IT. TRACE, YOU DON'T NEED TO CHANGE WHAT YOU WERE DOING.

BUT DANNY, MAYBE IT'S MORE AGGRESSIVE, ANIMALISTIC, THAT KIND OF THING.

MM. YES, CHEF. ALL RIGHT.

AND ACTION. UGH! ROUGH!

HOO HOO! MEOW! CUT!

NO, TRACE, DON'T MATCH WHAT HE'S DOING. OKAY.

HE'S JUST AN AMAZING SCENE PARTNER, SO YOU KNOW. THANK YOU.

I WAS JUST TAKING YOUR NOTE. YOU SAID TO DO ANIMALS. YEAH.

BUT I SAID A BUNCH OCH STUFF BEFORE THAT. WELL, I HAVE AUDITORY BIASED,

SO YOU CAN CAN'T SAY THAT TO ME, I CAN SUE YOU. DON'T FIGHT.

IT REMINDS ME OF THE WAR. LET'S MOVE ON. WE NEED TO GET VERBAL PHRASES TO

SAY DURING THE FIGHT. HEY, I LIKE YOUR NECKLACE. OH, THIS OLD THING?

THANKS. YEA! KINDNESS WINS.

WHAT ARE YOUR PRONOUNS? HE/HIM. I'LL TELL HIM.

KENNETH, HE/THEY. WE CAN'T USE ANY OF THAT. OH, THAT MAKES ME SAD.

IS THERE A REASON? YES. BECAUSE NO ONE SOUNDS LIKE THAT

WHEN THEY FIGHT. THAT'S NOT TRUE. YOU REMIND ME EXACTLY OF SOMEONE

I SERVED WITH IN IRAQ. OH, YOU WENT TO IRAQ. WHERE DID YOU STAY?

DIDN'T WANT TO SAY THIS. BUT YOU NEED TO PLAY MORE HETERO.

YOU SHOULD HAVE JUST SAID THAT FROM THE BEGINNING. I GOT IT.

LET ROLL. HEY, BROTHER KEN, BY ACCEPTS LOOKING HUGE.

YOU LOOK PRETTY SWOLE YOURSELF, BRO. I SAW YOU CHANGING IN THE

LOCKER ROOM, BUT I WAS COMPLETELY SOFT, MY DUDE. I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW YOU KNEW

MY NAME. EASY, BRO, MY WIFE IS ON THIS APP.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? THIS ISN'T EVEN AN APP. IT'S A VIDEO GAME.

OKAY THEN I'LL RACE YOU TO THE VIDEO CUBE, MY BROTHER. DO YOU REALLY THINK YOU WOULD

SOUND LIKE THIS IN A REAL FIGHT? YES, I WOULD, BROTHER. OH, MY GOD.

FRANK, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? I TOLD YOU I WOULD KILL YOU FOR SLEEPING WITH MY WIFE.

DON'T WORRY. I'LL PROTECT YOU. WHOO!

MEOW! WELL, I'LL BE DAMNED. YOU TWO JUST SAVED MY LIFE.

YOU TWO JUST SAVED MY LIFE. NO, STEVEN. KEN AND RYU SAVED YOUR LIFE.

BABY. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] **

* YEAH MADE IT OUT THE TRENCHES THIS TYPE OF LIFE

I CAN GET USED TO * * NUMBER ONE ON YOUTUBE PRIVATE DINNER IN MALIBU *

* SHOW YOU HOW TO WORK YOUR STICK AIN'T NOBODY

GON' HANDLE YOU * * PUT YOU IN A PHANTOM 'CAUSE YOU MY LIL' BOO

READY FOR WHATEVER I TIE UP MY BOOTS * * EVERYBODY GOIN'

THE SAME ROUTE SO I SWITCHED UP MY ROUTE * * PEOPLE AIN'T

WHAT THEY BE TALKIN' 'BOUT SO I SWITCHED UP MY CREW * * ACTIN' LIKE YOU LOVE ME

KNOWIN' IT'S FLAW SO I'M GON' FAKE IT TOO * * WHAT ELSE

AM I SUPPOSED TO DO * * AWARE OF MY SURROUNDINGS I DON'T MESS WITH Y'ALL

DON'T COME AROUND ME * * BABY SWITCHED UP HOW THAT SOUND

LIKE SOMEBODY IN HIS FEELINGS * * YOU CAN'T NAME

SOMETHIN' I DID FLAW I'MA DYIN' BREED OF THE REALEST *

* I AIN'T NEVER WORRY 'BOUT ANOTHER HITTA SO IN THAT CASE

I'M THE BIGGEST * * I BEEN TRAVELLIN' AROUND THE WORLD

MY PIVOT STILL AIN'T LEFT THE BUSINESS * * SHE GOT EVERYTHING I WANT

AIN'T NO NEED TO MESS WITH THESE WOMEN* * YOU CAN GO

AND HAVE A LIL' FUN I AIN'T GON' TRIP BABY I GET IT *

* AIN'T MESSIN' AROUND IN THIS GAME WHEREVER THIS PLANE LAND

I'M THE LIT-EST THERE * * TURN YOUR BACK ON ME I AIN'T EVEN CARE

IF YOU NEED ME I'M STILL GON' BE THERE * * TELL ME HOW THE --

SWITCH ON WHO I WASN'T THERE * * -- THEM TOO I'M PREPARED

I RUN THEM GET THAT CLEAR * HEART BROKE CAN'T DROP NO TEARS

WAS WHAT IT WAS IS WHAT IT IS * * CALIFORNIA BREEZE

TAKE HER OUT TO EAT STOP AT A LIL' PARTY END UP AT THE BIG HOUSE *

* I CAN'T MESS WITH SHAWTY 'CAUSE SHE GOT A BIG MOUTH PULL UP IN A 'RARRI

HOP OUT LIKE A BIG DAWG * * GET MYSELF TOGETHER FEEL LIKE I DONE

TOOK TWO YEARS OFF * * BOOKIN' UP MY SCHEDULE I AIN'T RICH ENOUGH

TO CHILL OUT * * I WATCHED YOU TURN SOUR I STILL DON'T KNOW

HOW TO FEEL 'BOUT IT * * MAJORITY OF 'EM FOLDED BUT I'M STILL SOLID *

* I'M STILL OUT HERE STILL DON'T KNOW HOW TO FEEL ABOUT IT *

* EARLY IN THE MORNIN' TALKIN' TO MARQUIS ABOUT IT WONDERIN' SHOULD WE LET IT GO

OR WE BEEFIN' 'BOUT IT * * KNOWIN' THAT I'LL GO COLD ON YOU FOR WEEKS ABOUT IT *

* AND IT WASN'T EVEN THAT DEEP BUT THAT'S JUST

HOW IT BE WITH ME * * I CAN'T LIE YOU BE DOIN' ME GOOD

BUT GIRL SHE DOIN' ME BETTER * * I'M NOT SURPRISED THAT YOU STEREOTYPE ME

TO BE A LIL' GUY * * BUT IF I CAN HAVE A SECOND OF YO' TIME

TRY TO ELEVATE YO' MIND * * WE CAN CRUSH 'EM ON EVERY LEVEL

I'M TELLIN' YOU * * I FELL IN LOVE WITH GENERATIN' REVENUE *

* I KNOW THEY GON' TRY TO PUSH YOU FROM THE TOP SO I'M CAREFUL *

* I PUT HITTAS UNDER MY WING LIKE THEY MY NEPHEW * * I'MA GIVE YOU

EVERY PIECE OF GAME I GOT WHEN I CATCH YOU * * I'M JUST TRYNA

LET YOU FEEL THE BREEZE WITH ME* * CALIFORNIA BREEZE

TAKE HER OUT TO EAT STOP AT A LIL' PARTY END UP AT THE BIG HOUSE *

* I CAN'T MESS WITH SHAWTY 'CAUSE SHE GOT A BIG MOUTH PULL UP IN A 'RARRI

HOP OUT LIKE A BIG DAWG * * GET MYSELF TOGETHER FEEL LIKE I DONE

TOOK TWO YEARS OFF * * BOOKIN' UP MY SCHEDULE I AIN'T RICH ENOUGH

TO CHILL OUT * * I WATCHED YOU TURN SOUR I STILL DON'T KNOW

HOW TO FEEL 'BOUT IT * * MAJORITY OF 'EM FOLDED BUT I'M STILL SOLID *

* NO NO NO NO I'M SUPPOSED TO BE GONE WHERE I'M GON' GO *

* TRYNA HOLD IT IN I CAN'T LET THIS STUFF SHOW IT CAN'T BE FORCED

IT DON'T WORK LET IT GO * * I TRY TO TELL YOU YOU ACT LIKE YOU KNOW

ACT LIKE YOU KNOW MM-MM MM-MM * [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

COLIN JOST AND MICHAEL CHE. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE.

WELCOME TO WEEKEND UPDATE. I'M MICHAEL CHE. I'M COLIN JOST.

MAYBE ANNOUNCED THAT IT WILL REINSTATE FORMER PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP'S ACCOUNT, BUT THIS

TIME THEY'LL PUT GUARDRAILS IN PLACE TO KEEP HIM UNDER CONTROL, WHICH I THINK IS THE SAME THING

THEY SAID EVERY TIME THEY TRY TODAY REOPEN JURASSIC PARK. ALSO, WHAT EVEN ARE GUARDRAILS

ON FACEBOOK, AND CAN THEY APPLY TO MY UNCLE? BECAUSE HE'S POSTED SOME VERY

DISTURBING FAN FICTION ABOUT THE GREEN M&M. REPRESENTATIVES FOR BILL

CLINTON, GEORGE W. BUSH AND BARACK OBAMA SAID THEY ALL TURNED OVER CLASSIFIED RECORDS

BEFORE LEAVING OFFICE WHILE JIMMY CARTER RELEASED A STATEMENT SAYING, COME GET THEM,

YOU BASTARDS. A LAWYER FOR MIKE PENCE SAYS AFTER THEY DISCOVERED CLASSIFIED

DOCUMENTS IN HIS HOME, PENCE STANDS READY AND WILLING TO FULLY COOPERATE.

INCIDENTALLY, I STAND WILLING TO FULLY COOPERATE IS ALSO WHAT PENCE SAYS BEFORE SEX.

DURING THE SENATE HEARINGS INVESTIGATING LIVE NATION AND THE MONOPOLY ON CONCERT TICKET

SALES, FANS OF TAYLOR SWIFT PROTESTED OUTSIDE THE CAPITOL. AND ONLY TWO YEARS AFTER THEIR

DADS WERE THERE. [ LAUGHTER ] SENATOR RICK SCOTT SEEN HERE

LEARNING THAT HARRY POTTER HAS FALLEN INTO HIS TRAP, ANNOUNCED THAT HE IS RUNNING FOR

RE-ELECTION PROMISING TO FINISH THE BORDER WALL AND NAME IT AFTER DONALD TRUMP.

EVEN THOUGH MOST THINGS NAMED AFTER DONALD TRUMP ARE COMPLETE FAILURES.

GEORGE SANTOS ADMITTED THAT WHILE LIVING IN BRAZIL, HE DID DRESS IN DRAG, BUT SAID HE WAS

NOT A DRAG QUEEN. OKAY, HONEY. WE KNEW THAT FROM YOUR

CONTOURING. RONNA McDANIEL WAS RE-ELECTED AS CHAIR OF THE REPUBLICAN

NATIONAL COMMITTEE IN A CLOSER THAN EXPECTED VOTE OVER CHALLENGERS HARMEET DHILLON,

MIKE LYNN DELL, TWITTER USER CAT TURD 2 AND OF COURSE COLIN JOST. THAT ELECTION WAS RIGGED.

GOOGLE ANNOUNCED IT IS CUTTING 12,000 JOBS WHILE YAHOO ANNOUNCED IT IS NOW RUN BY A

FAMILY OF RACCOONS. POPE FRANCIS CRITICIZED LAWS BANNING HOMO SEXUALITY AS UNJUST

SAYING IT'S NOT A CRIME EVEN THOUGH CATHOLIC DOCTRINE VIEWS IT AS A SIN.

THEY ALSO SAID THEY VIEW AGE AS NOTHING BUT A NUMBER. DISNEY WORLD IS CLOSING

SPLASH MOUNTAIN TO TURN IT INTO TIANA'S BAYOU ADVENTURE AFTER CLAIMS THE THEME SONG WAS

RACIST. WHERE'S THE OUTRAGE ABOUT DISNEY FORCING A MENTALLY CHALLENGED

WHERE'S THE OUTRAGE ABOUT DISNEY FORCING A MENTALLY CHALLENGED DWARF TO MINE BLOOD DIAMONDS?

2023. HERE TO TALK ABOUT IT IS THE NEW DOORMAN TO MY BUILDING, CARL.

HEY! WHAT'S UP, MR. CHE? HOW YOU DOING, MAN?

JUST A LITTLE REMINDER. I NOTED YOU HAVEN'T GIVEN ME AN END OF THE YEAR TIP YET.

YOU JUST STARTED. OH. WELL, MAYBE SOON THEN.

YOU REMEMBER THAT NIGHT? WHEN THINGS GOT WILD? I TALKED TO THE POLICE FOR YOU.

I DON'T REMEMBER THAT. I KNOW, RIGHT? YEAH.

HARD TO KEEP TRACK OF ALL THE CRAZY NIGHTS WHEN MR. MICHAEL CHE IS YOUR TENANT.

JUST REMEMBER WHICH NIGHT IS WILD AND WHICH NIGHT IS JUST REGULAR.

WE LIVING THAT LIFE, CHE. WE? OH, YEAH, MAN.

WE DOING THE DAMN THING. MY DOG. SO WHAT'S THIS?

WHAT YOU DOING HERE, MAN? THIS IS SNL, MAN. IT'S MY JOB.

OH. OH, OKAY. OH, SO YOU JUST OUT HERE MAKING

THE BIG BUCKS IN A HALF SUIT AND JEANS. CHE, CHE.

WHAT, MAN. YOU KNOW THAT LADY CAME AROUND LOOKING FOR YOU AGAIN,

MAN. WHO? YOU KNOW THAT ONE.

THE LADY. SHE'S LIKE REAL SMART. ALL RIGHT.

ALWAYS MAD. SHE CAME INTO THE BUILDING AGAIN ASKING ABOUT YOU, MAN.

DON'T WORRY. I TOLD HER YOU MOVED TO JAMAICA. I DID GOOD, RIGHT?

WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT? I'M ABSOLUTELY HERE IN NEW YORK LIVE ON TV RIGHT NOW.

SHE AIN'T WATCHING. WELL, THANK YOU, CARL. HEY, CHE.

CHE. YOU KNOW THAT LITTLE KID CAME AROUND LOOKING FOR YOU, RIGHT?

HE WAS TALKING ABOUT, TELL CHE MY MAMA SAID HE GOT TO TAKE ME TO THE ZOO.

HE SAID HIS NAME WAS DEMICHAEL OR SOMETHING. THAT'S NOT MY KID.

THAT'S RIGHT! THAT'S WHAT I TOLD THAT LITTLE DUMMY.

TEAMWORK MAKE THE DREAM WORK. THANK YOU FOR STOPPING BY, MAN.

HEY, CHE. YOU KNOW THAT DOG CAME AROUND LOOKING FOR YOU, RIGHT?

HE GOT THAT BARK LIKE, RRR, CHE, CHE, CHE. I SWEAR THAT'S WHAT HE BE

SAYING, MAN. I UNDERSTOOD THE DOG TALK THOUGH.

HEY, MAN, WHO IS CORNELIUS? I DON'T KNOW. YOU SURE?

BECAUSE EVERY NIGHT AT 8:00, THIS MAN SHOWS UP AND LEAVES ONE SHOE ON MY DESK AND SAYS, TELL

MICHAEL CHE THIS IS FROM CORNELIUS. AND IF HE WANTS THE OTHER SHOE,

TELL HIM TO MEET ME UNDER THE BRIDGE. NEW YORK IS WILD, MAN.

OKAY. NOW I KNOW YOU HAVE TO GO. I MEAN, WHO'S WATCHING THE

BUILDING RIGHT NOW? DON'T WORRY. I PUT A SIGN UP SAYING, YOU

LOOKING FOR MICHAEL CHE, JUST CALL 917 -- DON'T GIVE THEM MY PHONE

NUMBER. WHY NOT? THAT'S AGAINST THE RULES.

IT IS? WELL, I GUESS THAT'S WHY I'M A DOORMAN AND YOU HERE MAKING

CRAZY MONEY USING THAT DESK TO HIDE YOUR DIRTY JEANS. CARL MY

THE DALLAS ZOO HAS BEEN DEALING WITH THE DISAPPEARANCE OF SEVERAL ANIMALS INCLUDING A

LEOPARD, MONKEYS AND A VULTURE. IN AN UNRELATED STORY, CHECK OUT MY AMAZING COAT.

OFFICIALS AT TIKTOK ARE TRYING TO STOP EFFORTS IN CONGRESS TO BAN THE APP BY

LAUNCHING A CAMPAIGN CALLED PROJECT TEXAS BECAUSE TIKTOK IS THEIR BABY AND THEY KNOW TEXAS

WON'T LET THEM GET RID OF IT. A NEW AI CHAT BOX HAS CREATED CON TO TRO VER SI AFTER IT

ALLOWED USERS TO TALK WITH JESUS AND HITLER, AND ONE GUY WHO THINKS HE'S BOTH.

JUST NEWS, GUYS. A 23-YEAR-OLD CHIHUAHUA IN OHIO NAMED SPIKE HAS BEEN

OFFICIALLY NAMED THE WORLD'S OLDEST LIVING DOG. THE SECRET TO SPIKE'S LONG LIFE,

A LOT OF CHIHUAHUAS LOOK THE SAME. CHIPOTLE HAS ANNOUNCED PLANS TO

HIRE 15,000 PEOPLE TO PREPARE FOR ITS BUSIEST TIME OF YEAR, WHICH THEY ARE CALLING BURRITO

SEASON, AND TOILETS ARE CALLING THE APOCALYPSE. RESEARCHERS IN ANTARCTICA

HAVE DISCOVERED A 17-POUND MEET RITE. SADLY, IT WAS ON TOP OF THE LAST

POLAR BEAR. A MATTRESS REVIEW SITE IS PAYING PEOPLE TO TEST THE THEORY

THAT EATING CHEESE BEFORE BED WILL GIVE F GIVE A PERSON NIGHTMARES.

BUT IF YOU'RE IN BED EATING CHEESE UNTIL YOU PASS OUT, YOUR LIFE IS ALREADY A NIGHTMARE.

THIS WEEK, WENDY'S ANNOUNCED THEY WOULD BE BRINGING BACK THEIR VANILLA FROSTY AFTER A

BRIEF HIATUS IN 2022. HERE TO TALK ABOUT IT WITH HER GOOD NEWS REPORT IS EVERY

BOXER'S GIRLFRIEND FROM EVERY BOXING MOVIE ABOUT BOXING EVER. HI, HI, HI.

HOW YOU DOING? HOW ARE YOU, ANGEL? I'VE BEEN BETTER.

DOES YOUR BOYFRIEND TOMMY HAVE A FIGHT TONIGHT? HE BETTER NOT BECAUSE THE

LAST GUY HIT TOMMY SO HARD, THERE'S NO MORE CLAMS IN HIS CHOWDER.

I LOVE HIM SO MUCH, BUT I SWEAR TO GOD, IF HE FIGHTS AGAIN, I'M TAKING THE KIDS TO MY SISTER'S.

GOT IT. IN GOOD NEWS, THE VANILLA FROSTY IS MAKING A COME BACK.

AWW. YOU THINK VANILLA HAS A SHOT GOING UP AGAINST CHOCOLATE,

YOU'RE SICK. IF I SEE IT UP ON THE MENU, I'M TAKING MY KIDS TO MY SISTER'S.

ALL OF THEM. YOU DOING OKAY, ANGEL? BARELY.

I'M DOING A LOT BETTER THAN TOMMY. CREED RUINED HIM, CHE.

WAIT, TOMMY FOUGHT ADONIS CREED? CREED HIT TOMMY SO HARD, HIS

EYES FLEW OUT. LANDED IN PEPPER'S LAP. THE ONE NIGHT I FORGOT TO TAKE

THE KIDS TO MY SISTER'S. JESUS. SO WHERE IS HE?

I KNOW CREED'S HERE. YOU HAVE BEEN ADVERTISING THE FIGHT ALL WEEK.

CREED VERSUS LIL BABY LIVE ON PEACOCK. ANGEL, THERE'S NO FIGHT

TONIGHT. OH, YEAH? YEAH.

THEN WHAT'S ALL THIS? CAMERAS, COLDOUT CROWD. I'M LOOKING AT JAMIE FOX AND

GINA GERSHAUN SITTING FRONT ROW NEXT TO COCAINE BEAR. THAT'S JUST A BLACK GUY

SITTING NEXT TO A WHITE WOMAN IN A BIG COAT. I DON'T CARE.

I WANT CREED! ANGEL! ADONIS CREED.

YOU KNOW YOU'RE THE REASON MY KIDS' DAD WATCHES FOR SESAME STREET THAN THEY DO?

YOU EVER THINK ABOUT US, ANGEL. DON'T.

REMEMBER? BEFORE TOMMY, THERE WAS CREEDY. YOU REMEMBER LIL NICKY?

HE'S YOURS, CREED. WHAT? TOMMY NEVER ASKED WHY ONE OF HIS

KIDS WAS BLACK? TOMMY DON'T SEE COLOR. THAT'S NICE.

NO. HE DON'T SEE ANY COLORS, NUMBERS, OR SHAPES.

HIS POTATO IS BAKED, CREEDY. LOOK AT ME. YOU'RE COMING HOME WITH ME

TONIGHT. BUT WHAABOUT TOMMY? WHAT ABOUT THE KIDS?

LISTEN, FROM NOW ON, I'M TAKING THE KIDS TO YOUR SISTER'S.

SISTER'S. EVERY BOXER'S GIRLFRIEND AND ADONIS CREED, EVERYBODY.

PEOPLE WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH ME. NOW ROAR LIKE A LION. ROAR!

LOUDER. RAWR! WOW, GIVE IT UP FOR RON,

EVERYBODY. YES, I HAVE CHILLS. SEE.

THAT'S WHAT MALE CHARISMA TRAINING IS ALL ABOUT, CONFIDENCE.

YOU SEE, I USED TO BE A LOT LIKE YOU GUYS, AWKWARD, HATED MY BODY, WALKED AROUND LIKE THIS,

BLAH! BUT THEN, I DEVELOPED MY SOCIAL MASTERY PROGRAM.

NOW I STAND LIKE AN ALPHA. I'VE GOT THE SCARF. YOU'VE TAKEN BY CLASS BEFORE,

YES? THREE TIMES, YES. AND I HAVE AN UPDATE.

I GOT A GIRLFRIEND NOW. HELL YES. WHAT WAS YOUR APPROACH?

WELL, SHE'S NOT A GIRLFRIEND. SHE'S ACTUALLY LIKE A BARISTA. BUT, HEY, YOU INTRODUCED

YOURSELF, RIGHT? NO, SIR. SO YOU SAW A GIRL AT A COFFEE

SHOP. ROUND OF APPLAUSE FOR HIM. THAT'S NOT NOTHING, FOLKS.

THAT'S NOT NOTHING. YES, A QUESTION IN THE BACK. WHERE DO YOU WANT THIS WATER

DELIVERY? I DON'T KNOW, DUDE. DO I LOOK LIKE I WORK FOR THE

HOTEL? OH, OKAY. MY APOLOGIES.

YOU, QUESTION. YEAH. I'M PRETTY LONELY.

I HAVE A JOB. I FEEL LIKE I'M DOING EVERYTHING RIGHT.

I JUST GET NERVOUS THAT WOMEN ARE GOING TO MAKE FUN OF ME IF I APPROACH THEM.

UH-HUH, UH-HUH. AND WHAT DO YOU DO FOR WORK? I CRITIQUE FEMALE STANDUPS ON

YOUTUBE. SURE. AFTER ONE SESSION HERE, NOTHING

WILL RATTLE YOU. ANYBODY OUT THERE, SAY THE MEANEST THING YOU CAN THINK

ABOUT ME. ANYBODY. FOREHEAD.

SORRY. WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN? FOREHEAD.

OKAY. SURE. IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE I DON'T LIKE

HAVE A WEIRD FOREHEAD. JUST KEEP TALKING, GOOFY. I'M NOT GOOFY.

I'M ACTUALLY REGULAR. LISTEN, WHEN YOU APPROACH A LADY, WHAT YOU WANT TO DO IS

TAKE AN ALPHA BODY STANCE. BROAD SHOULDERS. BROAD FOREHEAD.

SIR, I'M FINE IF YOU STAY, JUST DON'T DISRUPT ME, PLEASE. NO.

I MIGHT. I MIGHT. OH, OKAY.

LOOK. NO MATTER WHAT A LADY THROWS AT YOU, AND THEY CAN SAY SOME

PRETTY RANDOM STUFF, JUST ROLL WITH IT. I NEED A VOLUNTEER.

I THINK YOU STOOD UP FIRST, SIR. IF YOU'RE COOL WITH IT. YOU DON'T MIND IF I DO THIS,

RIGHT? YEAH. YEAH.

SEE, DEXTER'S LAB IS COOL WITH YOU. GO AHEAD, GOOFY.

NOT GOOFY. I'M GOING TO DO WHAT I CALL A BASIC OPENING.

HEY, GODDESS. WHAT'S YOUR NAME? YOU A BITCH.

HEY. HEY. JUST DO THE EXERCISE.

WHAT'S YOUR NAME? FOREHEAD JACKSON. IT'S NOT.

PLEASE SIT DOWN. I'M GOOD HERE. THAT'S FINE.

ANY FINAL QUESTIONS? YEAH. I WAS WONDERING IF YOU HAVE ANY

TIPS ON COPING WITH HAVING A BIG OLD FOREHEAD. I DON'T HAVE A BIG OLD

FOREHEAD, OKAY? I'M NOT LIKE YOU, DUDE. I'M COOL.

I GOT THE SCARF, THE RINGS. YOU KNOW I'M IN CHARGE LIKE IMMEDIATELY.

YOU GOT A JIMMY NEUTRON HEAD, BRO. HE KIND OF DOES.

NO. NO, MY HEAD IS REGULAR. NOT JIMMY NEUTRON.

IT'S LIKE IF JIMMY NEUTRON DID STREET MAGIC, THAT'S YOU. NO, IT'S NOT.

DAMN IT. Y'ALL WANT TO GO GET A BURGER?

I FEEL LIKE I CAN TEACH YOU SOME THINGS. WHERE ARE YOU GUYS GOING?

THINGS. WHERE ARE YOU GUYS GOING? I WANT TO COME TOO.

AFTER ALL THIS WEDDING PLANNING, I NEEDED THIS PALM SPRINGS TRIP, OKAY?

WELL, YOUR BACHELORETTE WEEKEND AIN'T OVER YET, HONEY. OH, MY GOSH.

DON'T TELL ME. DON'T TELL ME. IT'S ABOUT TO GET HOT IN

HERE. AHH! HELLO, LADIES.

MY NAME IS VINCE, AND I JUST GOT WORD THAT Y'ALL'S BUILDING IS OUT OF CODE, AND THAT MAKES ME

HORNY. YOU GUYS ARE SO BAD. THIS IS WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

I'M ABOUT TO INTRODUCE Y'ALL TO MY FRIENDS, POP AND LOCK. YEA!

IT'S SO HOT. YOU'RE WELCOME. I SAW HIM ON THE WEBSITE, AND I

WAS IMMEDIATELY ROCK HARD. OKAY, MR. POP AND LOCK. OH, MY GOD!

THIS IS CRAZY! HOW RED IS MY FACE RIGHT NOW? WE ALL GOING TO BLUSH

TONIGHT, GIRLS. WE ALL GOING TO BLUSH. YOUR TURN, BRIDE TO BE.

UH-OH, DO WE HAVE ANOTHER FIRE FIGHTER. NOT THAT WE PAID FOR.

HEY. I'M SORRY TO BUG Y'ALL. VINCE, BABE, MY PHONE DIED.

WHO IS THAT? OH, MY BAD. THIS IS MY WIFE, JANINANEEN.

HEY. OH, I HATE TO ASK. CAN I CHARGE MY GALAXY FOR

LITERALLY TWO MINUTES? SURE, I GUESS. THANK YOU SO MUCH.

MY MOM GOT GLUTE SURGERY TODAY, AND WE'RE PRAYING SHE'S OKAY. WOW, THE HOSPITALITY IN HERE

IS BIBLICAL. THANK YOU, QUEENS. YOU ALL RIGHT, BABE?

I'M CHARGING. OH, PICTURES OF MY MOM'S NEW ASS JUST CAME IN.

SHE MADE IT. GOD IS GOOD. OKAY.

NOW WATCH MY KING STRIP. HIT IT. WHERE WAS I?

OH, YEAH. I WAS INTRODUCING Y'ALL TO MY FRIENDS, POP AND LOCK.

OH, YEAH. THERE HE IS. WOW.

SIT ON THEM, VINCE. SIT ON THEM. YES.

HE MADE THIS, HE MADE THIS. HE MADE THIS, HE MADE THIS. OH, OKAY.

OKAY. HE MADE THIS, HE MADE THIS. OKAY.

YOU KNOW, I'M SO SORRY. I CAN'T, YOU GUYS. I CAN'T.

YEAH. YOU KNOW, I THINK I WAS ENVISIONING JUST LIKE ONE DANCER

AND NOT LIKE A PREGNANT WOMAN WITH A REALLY LONG PHONE CHARGER.

OH, GIRL, DON'T HOLD BACK BECAUSE OF ME. YOU CAN TOUCH HIM.

YOU CAN KISS HIM. I PROMISE YOU. I DON'T MIND, AND SHE DON'T

MIND. SEE, SEE. I LOVE THAT ABOUT US.

100% TRUST. OH, I HOPE AND PRAY TO GOD YOU FIND THAT IN YOUR WEDDING.

I HOPE AND PRAY TO GOD. OKAY. THANK YOU.

HIT IT. OKAY. BECAUSE THAT ONE, MY FRIENDS,

THAT KEEPS THE RELATIONSHIP ALIVE. THAT KEEPS THE SEXUALITY ALIVE.

OKAY. SO THIS IS GETTING JUST A LITTLE BIT WEIRD.

GUYS, WE ALREADY PAID HIM THE 30 BUCKS. JUST LET HIM FINISH.

30 BUCKS? MY PEANUT BUTTER COSTS 30 BUCKS. BITCH, WHERE YOU GETTING

PEANUT BUTTER? I'M SORRY. ARE THEY PRAYING?

I HUMBLY THANK GOD FOR THE POWER TO STRIP. AND I THANK THE LORD FOR

THESE CHICKS LETTING ME CHARGE MY GALAXY. AMEN.

WHERE WAS I? OH, YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT. I WAS INTRODUCING Y'ALL TO MY

TWO FRIENDS POP AND LOCK. WE ALREADY MET THEM. HEY, HOES, WHO WANTS TO RIDE

HIS HOSE? WHOOP, WHOOP. THIS IS STRESSING ME OUT.

I FEEL LIKE WE'RE GOING TO END UP ON THE NEWS. OKAY.

ALL RIGHT. OKAY, ALL RIGHT. ENOUGH, ENOUGH.

WE'RE DONE. WE'RE DONE. YES.

THIS IS NOT WHAT WE PAID FOR. OKAY? NO.

YOU GOT MORE THAN WHAT YOU PAID FOR. THREE STRIPPERS FOR THE PRICE OF

ONE. MA'AM, PLEASE TOP REFERRING TO YOUR FETUS AS A STRIPPER.

OH, MY GOD. MY WATER BROKE! OH, MY GOD!

WAIT WAB HOW PREGNANT IS SHE? JUST A LITTLE OVER A YEAR, BUT WHATEVER.

I'M CALLING AN AMBULANCE. WE DON'T HAVE TIME. I'LL HAVE THE BABY HERE WITH MY

GIRLS. OKAY. WE GOT THIS, GIRLS.

WE GOT THIS. OKAY. HIT THE MUSIC.

OH, MY GOD. * PUSH, PUSH, PUSH * * PUSH, PUSH, PUSH *

* PUSH, PUSH, PUSH * * PUSH, PUSH, PUSH * HERE WE GO!

** * I KNOW YOU MISS ME WHO IT'S GON' BE

IF IT AIN'T ME LIL' BABY * * I'M IN YOUR CITY CAUSE I NEED IT ONE MORE TIME

MIGHT LOSE IT ALL I SWEAR I NEED IT TONIGHT OH * * HOW WE GET SO DEEP SO FAST

BAE STOP PLAYIN' I'LL BEAT YOUR --* * YOU BE ON SOME TOXIC --

BUT I CANNOT GET OFF THIS * I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU IN THREE MONTHS

I MISS YOU CAN I SEE YOU BAE * * EVERY TIME I SEE

ONE OF YOUR PICTURES THAT STUFF DRIVES ME CRAZY * * GIRL I KNOW YOU MISS IT

ESPECIALLY HOW I KISS IT * * MESSAGE SAY DELIVERED WHY THE -- YOU KEEP

GOIN' MISSING ON ME * * EVERY TIME HE GET BACK IN THE PICTURE

YOU ACT DIFFERENT ON ME * * BUT TELL THAT BOY THAT WE GON' HAVE TO SHARE YOU

I AIN'T TRIPPIN' ON IT* * ONE MORE TIME MIGHT BE THE BEST

FOR BOTH OF US * * MAYBE WE SHOULD TALK ABOUT IT LATER

WHEN WE SOBER UP * * MAYBE WE SHOULD SLOW IT DOWN

MAYBE WE SHOULD LET IT GO * * FEEL LIKE IF IT'S MEANT IT'S WHAT IT IS

SO I JUST LET IT FLOW * * GOT SOMETHIN' TO HANDLE SO I'MA BE HERE

FOR A COUPLE HOURS * * FIGURED OUT YOU LIKE THEM MY ASSISTANT

KEEP ON SENDIN' FLOWERS * * THEY GOT THEY OWN BUSINESS TELL ME WHY THEY ALWAYS

ALL IN OURS * * MAMA RAISED A LOT OF THINGS

BUT SHE AIN'T RAISED NOT NEAR A COWARD * * WE WENT TO THE MOON

LAST TIME I'M TRYNA GO BACK * * WE BEEN DOIN' OUR THING

FOR A WHILE BUT THEY DON'T KNOW THAT * * I BE BUYIN' YOU

ALL TYPE OF BAGS BUT YOU CAN'T SHOW THAT * * I BE PLAYIN' THE CUT

UNTIL YOU COME BACK * * I KNOW YOU MISS ME WHO IT'S GON' BE

IF IT AIN'T ME LIL' BABY * * I'M IN YOUR CITY CAUSE I NEED IT ONE MORE TIME

MIGHT LOSE IT ALL I SWEAR I NEED IT TONIGHT OOH AH * * THINKIN' HOW WE PLAYED OUT

REALLY I FEEL OFF ABOUT IT BUT I AIN'T NEVER SAID IT * * WE AIN'T GOTTA

TALK ABOUT IT * * THEY'LL NEVER KNOW WHEN I'M WITH YOU

I PLAY A DIFFERENT ROLE * * CAN'T MOVE OFF EMOTION THIS STUFF DEEP

NOW I GOT SELF-CONTROL * * I AIN'T NEVER TRIED TO HOLD YOU

TRY TO HIGH AND LOW YOU * * I CAN BREAK IT DOWN AND SHOW YOU

HOW YOU OWE ME * * STILL TRY TO BACK DOOR ME I KNOW HOW TO GO ABOUT IT *

* I KNOW EVERYTHING BUT I TREAT YOU LIKE I DON'T KNOW ABOUT IT *

* WILDIN' IN MIAMI WE TOOK SHROOMS AND CAUGHT A DIFFERENT VIBE *

* WOMEN CAN'T MESS WITH YOU YOU THE ONE FOR REAL I PEEP YOUR STYLE *

* I GOTTA GO GET IT I'M O.T. SO IT'S GON' BE A WHILE IT FEEL A LIL' BETTER

WHEN I AIN'T SEEN YOU * * I KNOW YOU MISS ME WHO IT'S GON' BE

IF IT AIN'T ME LIL' BABY * * I'M IN YOUR CITY CAUSE I NEED IT ONE MORE TIME

MIGHT LOSE IT ALL I SWEAR I NEED IT TONIGHT OOH AH * **

I NEED IT TONIGHT OOH AH * ** [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

TOYOTA. AND I'M SHORTY KING JR., AND WE ARE OVERSTOCKED WITH TOYOTAS,

SIENNAS, COROLLAS, AND HIGH LANDERS, ALL PART OF OUR KING TOYOTA'S OVERSTOCK SALE-A-THON.

COME ON DOWN OFF HIGHWAY 8 EXIT 260 BECAUSE DEALS LIKE THIS DON'T COME OFTEN.

GET YOUR BUTT DOWN HERE OFF HIGHWAY 8, EXIT 260. TAKE THE LEFT LANE.

YOU GOT TO GET HARD IN THAT LEFT LANE BECAUSE IF YOU STAY EVEN ONE SECOND IN THE RIGHT

LANE, YOU'LL GET STUCK IN THE OVERFLOW LINE FOR THE NEW RAISING CANES.

THE LINE BACKS UP TO THE LIGHT ON TO THE OFF-RAMP AND INTO THE HIGHWAY.

DO NOT STAY IN THE RIGHT LANE. HARD, HARD LEFT, Y'ALL. HARD TO THE LEFT WHEN YOU TAKE

260 OR YOU'LL MISS KING BROTHERS TOYOTA'S OVERSTOCK SALE-A-THON. WHY ARE WE OVERSTOCKED?

I'LL TELL YOU WHY, BECAUSE NOBODY CAN GET HERE DUE TO THE STUPID LONG CANE'S LINE TAKING

UP THE WHOLE DANG ROAD. WE HAVE ABSOLUTELY SCREWED BY THE BRENHAM CLAIM BER OF

COMMERCE AND DOWN COUNCILMAN HUGO GALLEGOS. HE HAS DEFILED 260.

THESE TRENDY CHAINS ALL COME WITH THEIR OWN MASSIVE DRIVE THROUGH LINES MANAGED ONLY BY A

HANDFUL OF iPADED TEENS. WE ARE DEEP IN THE RED, FOLKS, WHICH IS WHY CORPORATE

HAS SENT US THE NATION'S MOST BEST AND JACKED SALESMAN, BRIAN PAT MOORE.

THESE TWO ARE AFRAID TO GET THEIR HANDS DIRTY. CANES, YOU HAVE TWO HOURS TO GET

YOUR LINES OPEN. I WILL REVEAL INGREDIENTS TO YOUR SECRET SAUCE.

DON'T BELIEVE ME? CHECK THIS OUT. KETCHUP.

WE ARE DROWNING IN TACOMAS, AND WE ARE TRAPPED HERE. WE LITERALLY CANNOT LEAVE DUE TO

THE LONG AS HELL CANES LINES. I HAVE MISSED SO MANY FAMILY EVENTS THE THINGS LIKE NIECE'S

KRISTENING, FIRST DAUGHTER'S RECITAL, AND EVEN LITTLE J.C. AS NATHAN DETROIT.

I NOW SPEAK DIRECTLY TO THE COWARD HUGO GALLEGOS. YOU HAVE DEFILED THE ONCE

BEAUTIFUL EXIT 260, AND IF THE BIG ASS CANES LINE IS ALLOWED TO STAND, KING BROTHERS TOYOTA WILL

FALL. MY DAUGHTER HAILEY IS A CLASSICS PROFESSOR AT BRENHAM

COMMUNITY COLLEGE, AND SHE HAS DESCRIBED OUR PLIGHT AS A FUN HOUSE MIRROR HELD UP AGAINST THE

AMERICAN DREAM. I SAID, I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT, BABY GIRL.

ALL I KNOW IS I'M GETTING F'd IN THE A BY HUGO GALLEGOS. ALL THAT IS LOST BECAUSE WE

HAVE BRIAN PATMORE. WELL, BRIAN PATMORE DON'T PLAY NO GAMES.

NEXT INGREDIENT, PEPPER. AND THE CLOCK BEGINNING ANEW. TIKTOK, CANES, TIKTOK.

AND THE CLOCK BEGINNING ANEW. TIKTOK, CANES, TIKTOK. COME ON DOWN BECAUSE TIME IS

I'M HOSTING "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE." MICHAEL, I THINK YOU'RE SO

COOL. IT'S SCARY, BUT I'M MICHAEL B. JORDAN.

THERE'S NO REASON TO BE NERVOUS. WHEW, NO ONE SAW ME. YOU OKAY THERE, BUD?

YEAH, I'M GOOD. ALL RIGHT. BE CAREFUL.

I WILL. OKAY. LITTLE EMBARRASSING.

AT LEAST IT'S JUST ANDREW DISMUKES. IT'S ALL GOOD.

I WILL NOT FALL AGAIN. YOU OKAY THERE, BUD? OH, ANDREW.

I DIDN'T SEE YOU THERE. LOOKED LIKE IT HURT. IT DIDN'T REALLY.

LOOKED LIKE IT DID, THOUGH. YOU OKAY? YOU WANT ME TO GET THE NURSE?

NURSE, MICHAEL B. JORDAN JUST FELL DOWN AGAIN. I SAID I WAS FINE.

THIS ANDREW DISMUKES GUY IS GETTING IN MY HEAD. I'M MICHAEL B. JORDAN.

I NEED TO NEVER FALL OVER EVER AGAIN. YOU OKAY THERE, BUD?

YOU OKAY THERE, BUD? TIMBER. YOU OKAY, THOUGH?

YOU OKAY? YOU OKAY THERE, BUD? ANDREW, STOP SEEING ME FALL

DOWN. HEY, MAN, I'M AT WORK. YOU DON'T WANT ME TO SEE YOU

FALL DOWN, QUIT FALLING DOWN WHERE I WORK. WHATEVER.

JUST LEAVE ME ALONE. ALL RIGHT, BUD. JUST BE CAREFUL.

OKAY? HEY, GUYS. ANDREW, SIT DOWN.

YOU HAVE TO STOP SEEING MICHAEL B. JORDAN FALL DOWN. I CAN'T HELP IT.

SOMETIMES HE FALLS, AND I SEE. ANDREW, WHEN SOMEBODY FALLS DOWN, YOU HAVE TO PRETEND LIKE

YOU DIDN'T SEE IT. WELL, I DIDN'T KNOW THAT. NOBODY TOLD ME THAT.

YOU CAN'T GET MAD AT ME FOR SOMETHING I DIDN'T KNOW. GUYS?

WHAT'S GOING ON? NOTHING. AND HEY, NEXT TIME YOU HAVE A

PROBLEM WITH ME, AT LEAST HAVE THE KAHONES TO SAY IT TO MY FACE INSTEAD OF SENDING YOUR LACKIES

TO DO YOUR DIRTY WORK FOR YOU. I DIDN'T TELL THEM ANYTHING EXCEPT YOU KEEP SEEING ME FALL.

WELL GUESS WHAT, SOMETIMES YOU FALL, AND SOMETIMES I THERE. WELL, THEN MAYBE YOU

SHOULDN'T BE AROUND ME AT ALL THEN. MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEAVE AND NEVER

COME BACK. WHATEVER, MAN. I'M DONE.

DONE! [ CRYING ]. I COULDN'T BELIEVE WHAT I HAD

DONE. I PUSHED AWAY MY BEST FRIEND AT THE SHOW.

ANDREW DIS-MOE. AFTER EVERYTHING WE HAVE BEEN THROUGH.

MONDAY PITCH IN LAUREN'S OFFICE, TUESDAY WRITING NIGHT. WHEN ANDREW GOT CUT FROM A

SKETCH BECAUSE HE DID A BAD JOB. JUST TO THROW IT ALL AWAY BECAUSE HE SAW ME FALL DOWN A

LOT? THE SHOW WAS ABOUT TO START, BUT I COULDN'T DO IT WITHOUT HIM.

DOES ANYONE HAVE EYES ON MICHAEL B. JORDAN? I KNEW THERE WAS ONLY ONE WAY

TO BRING HIM BACK. I'M FALLING. WHERE ARE YOU, ANDREW?

I'M RIGHT HERE. AND WE'RE NOT FALLING. WE'RE FLYING.

AND WE'RE NOT FALLING. WE'RE FLYING. WHOO!

I ALSO WANT TO THANK EVERYBODY HERE. I WANT TO THANK THE TALENTED

CAST AND CREW. EVERYBODY AT SNL. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR HAVING US.

I WANT TO THANK MY FAMILY SITTING UP HERE THAT CAME THROUGH.

I LOVE Y'ALL SO MUCH. THIS IS AN INCREDIBLE EXPERIENCE.

THERE'S NOTHING LIKE IT IN THE WORLD. I CAN'T WAIT TO COME BACK.

WHAT YOU GOT? YOU AIN'T GOT NOTHING? CAN'T WAIT TO DO IT AGAIN.

YOU AIN'T GOT NOTHING? CAN'T WAIT TO DO IT AGAIN. **