Original subtitles

HELLO. THIS IS DONALD TRUMP, HOPEFULLY,

YOUR FAVORITE PRESIDENT OF ALL TIME. BETTER THAN LINCOLN, BETTER THAN

WASHINGTON. FRANKLY, BETTER THAN EZRA. YOU, YOU MAY HAVE SEEN THIS

WEEK, I MADE A MAJOR ANNOUNCEMENT. I'M DOING MY OFFICIAL FIRST

COLLECTION OF DONALD TRUMP DIGITAL TRADING CARDS, OR NIFTIES.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL THEY ARE, BUT THEY'RE TREMENDOUS. THEY FEATURE INCREDIBLE ARTWORK,

FOR EXAMPLE, WHEN I WAS AN ASTRONAUT OR ME RIDING BIG ELEPHANT.

TRUMP CARDS ARE EACH $99. SEEMS LIKE A LOT. SEEMS LIKE A SCAM, AND IN MANY

WAYS IT IS, BUT WE LOVE THE TRUMP CARDS, WE LOVE THEM. YOU CAN ALSO GET THEM FOR FREE

BY GOING ONLINE AND LOOKING AT THEM, MAYBE, I DON'T KNOW. TAKING A SCREEN SHOT OR

SOMETHING. BUT WE'D REALLY PREFER IT IF YOU'D SEND THE $99.

YOU'LL GET ME AS A COWBOY. OR ME MELTING BIDEN'S ICE CREAM WITH MY BIG LASER EYES.

IT SOUNDS A LOT LIKE POKEMON, BUT TRUST ME, IT'S NOT POKEMON. I MEAN ABSOLUTELY NO DISRESPECT

TO MY VERY GOOD FRIENDS, AND WHO I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE WONDERING, CAN THEY FIGHT?

THE ANSWER IS YES. WHO WILL WIN, BETWEEN TRUMP CROSSING THE DELAWARE AND TRUMP

BEING MATRIX? AND. BEST PART IS, EACH CARD COMES

WITH AN AUTOMATIC CHANCE TO WIN AN EXCLUSIVE MYSTERY PRIZE WHERE YOU GET TO PICK ANYTHING OUT OF

THIS NICE BOX. NOW, REMEMBER, WHEN YOU BUY A CARD, YOU DON'T GET TO PICK

WHICH ONE. YOU MIGHT GET ME ON THE COVER OF A ROMANCE NOVEL, ME DOING

SPLITS, ME DOING "TITANIC." OR EVEN ME AS JESSICA RABBIT. WOW.

LOOK AT THE LEGS ON HER. PERHAPS I WOULD DATE HER IF SHE WEREN'T ME.

NOW TO HELP ME SAY MORE, MY THIRD LEAST EMBARRASSING CHILD. HEY, DAD.

VERY FUNNY. AND IT'S SO GOOD TO BE HERE FOR THE LAUNCH OF THIS AMAZING

TOTALLY LEGIT PRODUCT. THESE CARDS ARE FANTASTIC AND A STEAL.

AND I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING. $99? YOU CAN GET TWO GRAMS FOR THAT.

WHILE I'M HERE, I ALSO WANTED TO SHARE, I'M SELLING A NEW CHRISTMAS CD FROM MY FIANCE

KIMBERLY GUILFOYLE. HEY, BABE, GET THAT LITTLE FINE BUTT OUT HERE.

THANK YOU. WOO! THANK YOU, AND I KNOW YOU'RE

GOING TO LOVE THIS CHRISTMAS ALBUM THAT I'M CALLING "NOW THAT'S WHAT NO ONE CALLS MUSIC."

I GUARANTEE, YOU'LL SLEEP IN HEAVENLY PEACE! BEAUTIFUL.

THANK YOU. OKAY. THERE THEY GO.

WHAT A TERRIBLE COUPLE. SO GET YOUR TRUMP DIGITAL TRADING CARDS TODAY.

THEY SHOULD BE AT THE TOP OF EVERYONE'S CHRISTMAS LIST, REALLY.

YOU KNOW, WHY DON'T WE BRING UP MY CHRISTMAS LIST. MERRY CHRISTMAS.

I BROUGHT THAT BACK, SAYING MERRY CHRISTMAS AGAIN. IT'S VERY IMPORTANT TO

CHRISTIANS AND TO JEWISH PEOPLE AS WELL. MERRY CHRISTMAS.

I WAS VISITED BY THREE GHOSTS. FOUR IF YOU INCLUDE EPSTEIN. BUT IT'S CHRISTMAS ALL OVER.

WITH TREE AND TOY AND SANTA. WE LOVE SANTA, EXCEPT MAYBE RON DE-SANTA.

HE LOOKS LIKE A ROBLOx. HE'S NOT MUCH OF A SANTA, IS HE? HE'S MORE OF A GRINCH.

AND WE ALL REMEMBER GRINCH STOLE CHRISTMAS, BUT I GOT IT BACK. DURING MY ADMINISTRATION I

BROKERED A HISTORIC DEAL WITH GRINCH AND NETANYAHU AND WE AGREED CHRISTMAS WOULD NEVER BE

STOLEN AGAIN, LIKE HOW THE WHITES TRY TO STEAL THE NAVI IN AVATAR.

AND YOU LOOK AT SAM WORTHINGTON. HE'S A GREAT FATHER. HE'S GOT FIVE KIDS NOW.

I'VE GOT FOUR KIDS, FIVE, IF YOU INCLUDE TIFFANY, BUT HE'S A GREAT NAVIDAD.

MERRY CHRISTMAS, AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] * * IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE."

MUSICAL GUEST LIZZO. AND YOUR HOST AUSTIN BUTLER.

* * [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] THANK YOU.

THANK YOU, THANK YOU SO MUCH. I'M SO EXCITED TO BE HERE HOSTING THE SNL CHRISTMAS SHOW.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] NOW LAST YEAR'S CHRISTMAS SHOW WAS CANCELED, BECAUSE EVERYONE

GOT COVID. SO THIS YEAR WE CAME UP WITH A FOOLPROOF PLAN TO ENSURE NO ONE

WOULD GET COVID. WE STOPPED TESTING. [ LAUGHTER ]

I DO WANT TO ADDRESS SOMETHING. THERE'S PEOPLE OUT THERE WHO SAY THAT EVER SINCE I PLAYED ELVIS

MY VOICE CHANGED. IT GOT DEEPER, MORE ELVIS-Y? THAT'S NOT TRUE.

I'VE ALWAYS SOUNDED LIKE THIS. I CAN PROVE IT. HERE'S A CLIP FROM AIN'T VIEW I

DID TEN YEARS AGO. HOW EXCITED ARE YOU TO BE SEBASTIAN ON THE CARRIE DIARIES?

I'M VERY EXCITED. IT'S BEEN A GREAT EXPERIENCE SO FAR.

SEE? [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] YOU KNOW, A LOT OF PEOPLE DON'T

KNOW THAT I STARTED ACTING WHEN I WAS A KID. AND EVEN BACK THEN I WAS DRAWN

TOWARD INTENSE IMMERSIVE ACTING, LIKE I WAS 12, AND I WOULD DO THESE PARTS ON NICKELODEON OR

DISNEY SHOWS, BUT MEANWHILE STUDYING MOVIES LIKE "RAGING BULL" AND "TAXI DRIVER", AND I'D

SHOW UP ON SET AND BE LIKE, "I DIDN'T SCREW YOUR WIFE" THE AND DIRECTOR WOULD BE LIKE, CUT,

AUSTIN. PUT THE KNIFE DOWN. YOU'RE SCARING ICARLY.

WHEN I WASN'T ACTING, I WAS A REALLY SHY KID, LIKE REALLY SHY. BUT LUCKILY, MY MOM DECIDED TO

HOME SCHOOL ME AND MY SISTER, SO I WAS ALSO WEIRD. BY THE WAY, MY SISTER IS HERE

TONIGHT. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ASHLEY! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

WE GREW UP IN ANAHEIM, CALIFORNIA. HENCE THE SOUTHERN ACCENT.

AND SINCE WE HOME SCHOOLED, SOMETIMES MY MOM WOULD SAY, WE'RE TAKING THE DAY OFF, AND

WE'RE GOING TO DISNEYLAND, AND WE'D BE SO EXCITED. BUT THEN BY LIKE THE NINTH TIME

THAT SHE DID THAT, I WAS LIKE, I DON'T THINK MOM KNOWS HOW TO TEACH.

BUT I LOVE MY MOM. SOME OF MY FAVORITE MEMORIES FROM GROWING UP ARE WATCHING SNL

WITH HER. AND WE'D WATCH EVERY WEEK. WE'D WATCH EVERY WEEK.

AND EVEN THOUGH, EVEN THOUGH I HAD THIS CRIPPLING SHYNESS, WHEN I WAS MY MOM, I'D JUST DO

ANYTHING TO MAKE HER LAUGH. I DO RIDICULOUS FACES AND VOICES, I DID THIS RIDICULOUS

GOLUM IMPRESSION. MY MOM LIKE ALL MOMS WAS A HUGE GOLUM FAN.

BUT REALLY BEING SILLY WITH HER IS WHAT BROKE ME OUT OF MY SHELL AND THE CORE OF WHAT STARTED ME

IN ACTING. MY MOM IS NO LONGER WITH US. BUT I BEEN THINKING ABOUT HER A

LOT THIS WEEK, JUST IMAGINING HOW PROUD SHE'D BE OF HER SON WHO USED TO NOT BE ABLE TO ORDER

FOOD FOR MYSELF ON A RESTAURANT IS NOW STANDING ON THIS STAGE. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

AND TONIGHT, JUST KNOW THAT ANYTIME YOU SEE ME DOING A SILLY VOICE OR MAKING A FUNNY FACE,

THAT'S FOR YOU, MOM. AND, SO. [ APPLAUSE ]

WE HAVE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT. LIZZO IS HERE.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] STICK AROUND. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

* * [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] HEY, EVERYBODY.

I'M DAN SMATTER, AND WELCOME TO ANOTHER GREAT ROUND OF THE PHRASE THAT PAYS, THE GAME THE

THREE PLAYERS WILL FIND THE MISSING LETTERS IN OUR PUZZLES FOR BIG, BIG PRIZES.

YES? SO THIS IS "WHEEL OF FORTUNE" WITH NO WHEEL?

DON'T DO THAT. THAT'S NOT NICE. WE HAVE THREE GREAT CONTESTANTS.

EBY, TROY, AND BETH! WE DON'T HAVE TIME FOR A FUN FACT FROM EVERYBODY.

SO WHY DON'T YOU GO DOWN THE LINE AND TELL EVERYONE YOUR AGES.

REALLY? OKAY. 36.

34. NO. GREAT, WELL, LET'S LOOK AT

YOUR FIRST PUZZLE. THE CATEGORY IS SONG, AND EBY, LET'S START WITH YOU.

MY FAVORITE LETTER IS B, BECAUSE I'M A BAD ONE, BUT I'M GOING TO SAVE THAT FOR LATER ON

IN THE GAME. FOR NOW, LET'S JUST GO WITH T. THERE IS ONE T.

YOU'VE GOT FIVE SECONDS TO SOLVE. OH, MAMA.

MAMA SAID, MAMA WHALE, MAMA. I'M SORRY, EBY, IT'S NOT ANYTHING MAMA.

TROY, YOU'RE UP. OKAY, IT'S NOT HOTEL CALIFORNIA, IS IT?

WHOA. TROY, I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO GUESS ANOTHER LETTER THERE,

BUT YOU WENT AND SOLVED THE WHOLE THING, HOW DID YOU DO THAT?

YEAH, HOW DID YOU DO THAT? YOU SAID IT WAS A SONG AND HOTEL CALIFORNIA IS A SONG.

SO I THOUGHT MAYBE IT WAS "HOTEL CALIFORNIA." WELL, YOU'VE BANKED A

THOUSAND DOLLARS. HERE'S OUR NEXT PUZZLE. THE NEXT CATEGORY IS BOOKS.

AND WE'LL START WITH BETH. I'VE GOT A LOT OF LETTERS GOING THROUGH MY MIND RIGHT NOW,

TRYING TO THINK OF A COMMON ONE. HOW ABOUT X. SORRY, THERE IS NO X.

YES, THERE IS. I SEE ONE RIGHT THERE. THAT JUST COMES UP WHEN YOU

MAKE A WRONG GUESS. THAT IS A LITTLE CONFUSING. EBY, YOU'RE UP.

I'M NOT READY TO USE MY B JUST YET, IS THERE A C? THERE'S ONE C.

YOU'VE GOT FIVE SECONDS. MAMA WON'T, DADDY WILL? DADDY MAMA DID.

MAMA -- I'M SORRY, EBY, TIME'S UP. I WAS SO CLOSE.

NOT EVEN IN THE BALLPARK. TROY? IS IT ALL THE LIGHT WE CANNOT

SEE BY ANTHONY DUER? AMAZING. ARE YOU A BOOK LOVER, TROY?

NO, I ACTUALLY HAVEN'T LOVE THAT, YET. READ A BOOK?

NO, IT'S ON MY LIST. OKAY, OKAY. SOMETHING'S NOT RIGHT HERE.

YOU'RE RIGHT. WE NEED A NEW PUZZLE. BECAUSE TROY'S ON A ROLL, AND

TROY, YOUR CATEGORY IS FAMOUS QUOTES. WELL, MY FAVORITE LETTER IS

B, BECAUSE I'M A BAD ONE. WHAT? SO I'M GOING TO SAY B.

FIVE SECONDS. WOW. I AM COMPLETELY STUMPED, YEAH.

I HAVE NO IDEA. MY MIND IS A TOTAL BLANK. I GIVE UP.

OH, MY GOD. THAT'S RIGHT! WHAT?

THAT IS NOT A FAMOUS QUOTE. YES, IT IS. IT SAYS BENJAMIN FRANKLIN SAID

IT WHEN HE WAS TRYING TO THINK OF THE LIGHT BULB. OKAY, WELL, THAT'S NOT RIGHT.

HE HAS A DEVICE IN HIS ASS LIKE THAT CHESS PLAYER. NO, I DON'T.

WE HAVE TIME FOR ONE MORE CATEGORY, WHICH IS MEDICINE. WOULD YOU LIKE TO GUESS, BETH OR

WOULD YOU RATHER COMPLAIN? FINE, FINE, I'LL PLAY, AND I GOT TO GO WITH MY GUT.

X. THERE'S NO X. YES, THERE IS!

NO, THERE ISN'T. TROY, THE CATEGORY IS MEDICINE. OH, WOW, I DON'T KNOW

ANYTHING ABOUT THAT. IS IT ELLEN POMPEO FEELS SUPER HAPPY AFTER "GREY'S ANATOMY"

EXIT? HE'S DEFINITELY CHEATING, AND THERE'S AN X IN THAT.

WHAT? OH, YEAH, SORRY. WHO CARES.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH PHRASE THAT PAYS. * *

THAT PAYS. * * [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

RICH, YOU KNOW I'M JUST LOOKING OUT FOR YOU, NOW COME ON.

GIVE ME WERE YOUR CAR KEYS, YOU AROUND DRIVE HOME TONIGHT. ALL RIGHT, GOOD NIGHT FOR A

WALK HOME ANYHOW. SAY, RICH, WHAT ARE YOU DOING OUT HERE DRINKING ON CHRISTMAS

EVE? AIN'T YOU GOT NO FAMILY? FAMILY?

WHO NEEDS FAMILY? WHAT ABOUT THAT GIRL, DENISE, YOU BEEN GOING AROUND WITH?

WHY AREN'T YOU WITH HER? CALLED THAT WHOLE THING OFF, JIMBO.

YOU KNOW ME, I'M A LONE WOLF. THAT'S THE WAY I LIKE IT. TRYIN' MY BEST, BOSS.

TRYIN' MY BEST. FAMILY. WHO WOULD WANT TO GET TIED DOWN

TO SOMETHING LIKE THAT? NOT ME, I TELL YOU. NO SIRREE.

* * LOOK AT THEM. SO MUCH LOVE.

THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN AFRAID OF ALL THESE YEARS. SO BEAUTIFUL.

STEVEN, THERE IS A MAN STARING AT US THROUGH OUR WINDOW.

YES, I SEE HIM TOO. JUST STAY CALM. ACT LIKE HE ISN'T THERE.

HE'LL LOSE INTEREST, AND HE'LL LEAVE. I SPENT MY WHOLE LIFE

RUNNING, AND FOR WHAT? JUST TO BE ALL ALONE ON CHRISTMAS EVE?

HE ISN'T LEAVING. JANINE, RELAX. HOW CAN I RELAX WHEN THERE IS

A PERVERT LURKING IN OUR WINDOW? HE'S TRYING TO FREAK US OUT, JANINE.

THAT'S WHAT GETS HIM OFF. DON'T GIVE HIM THE SATISFACTION OH, I SHOULD HAVE MARRIED

DENISE. I DROVE HER AWAY. LOOK AT YOU!

YOU MAKE ME SICK! YOU RUINED MY LIFE! DAD?

I THINK THE MAN WANTS TO KILL ME. STEVEN, HE IS SCARING OUR

CHILDREN. STOP JUST SITTING THERE AND BE A MAN.

WHAT DO YOU WANT, JANINE? I WANT YOU TO PROTECT THIS FAMILY.

GO OUT THERE AND MAKE HIM LEAVE, DAD, PLEASE! I'M NOT GOING OUT THERE, ARE

YOU CRAZY? DON'T LOOK AT HIM. HE'LL LEAVE.

ARE YOU A COWARD. WHAT HAVE I DONE? WASTING YEARS AT THE OFFICE,

WORKING DAY IN AND DAY OUT! WHAT DO I HAVE TO SHOW FOR IT? FANCY SUIT!

SILK TIE! ARE YOU HAPPY NOW? HE IS EXPOSING HIMSELF.

WELL, SORRY, I DON'T WANT TO GET KILLED, JANINE. YOU ARE PATHETIC, AND THAT'S

WHY I DID WHAT I DID LAST SUMMER. WHAT HAPPENED LAST SUMMER?

YOUR MOTHER STEPPED OUTSIDE OF OUR MARRIAGE. WHAT?

GIVE ME ANOTHER CHANCE AT LIFE. LET ME START AGAIN AND HAVE A

PERFECT FAMILY, LIKE THIS. MOM, HOW COULD YOU CHEAT ON DAD?

BECAUSE I HAVEN'T BEEN ATTRACTED TO HIM IN YEARS! COME ON, RICH.

GET AHOLD OF YOURSELF. KENDALL, ARE YOU AN ANGEL? YEAH.

SOMETHING LIKE THAT. YOU GOT TO HELP ME. I'VE WASTED MY WHOLE LIFE.

OH, MY GOD. KIDS, DON'T LOOK AT THE MAN, DON'T LOOK AT THE MAN.

LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER! NOW I'LL NEVER HAVE A FAMILY. I WOULDN'T BE TOO SURE OF

THAT. RICH? RICH IS THAT YOU?

DENISE. WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? OH, I WAS JUST PASSING BY.

I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT YOU, RICH. WELL, DENISE, WOULD YOU

PLEASE TAKE ME BACK? I'M READY TO HAVE A FAMILY NOW. OH, RICH, OF COURSE I WILL!

NICE WORK, BOSS. NICE WORK. I THINK HE'S LEAVING.

YEAH, YEAH, GET OUT OF HERE, BEAT IT! YOU HEAR ME?

SEE, I GOT RID OF HIM. YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ANYMORE, YOU'RE SAFE NOW.

WAY TO GO, DAD. WAY TO GO, DAD. WOW, WHAT A HERO.

WOW, WHAT A HERO. * * [ APPLAUSE ]

YEARN FOR THIS TIME OF YEAR? THE SWEET TREAT THEY ASK SANTA FOR?

THE CONFECTION THEY DREAM OF MOST OF ALL? IS IT CANDY CANES?

HERSHEY KISSES? NO, IT'S MARZIPAN! YAY!

THAT'S RIGHT, MARZIPAN. THE MOSTLY ALMOND, ALMOST CANDY FROM GERMANY, WITH THE FLAVOR OF

NUTS BUT THE TEXTURE OF NUTS. AND WHAT WAS HIS NAME? MARZIPAN.

MARZIPAN. MARZIPAN. MARZIPAN.

IT COMES IN ANY SHAPE THAT YOU CAN THINK OF AS LONG AS YOU THINK OF BANANA.

MINE'S AN APPLE. MINE'S A PEAR. MINE'S AN UNSHAPED LOG.

ME TOO. MINE IS, YAAAAAA. THAT'S RIGHT.

THE CHILD'S CHOICE. THE CANDY WITH AS MUCH PROTEIN AS A BITE OF STEAK, BUT DON'T

TAKE IT FROM ME. TAKE IT FROM THESE STRANGE BRITISH CHILDREN.

I LOVE MARZIPAN. YOU CAN ALMOST TASTE THE TASTE. I USED TO THINK THAT THE BEST

CANDY WAS CIRCUS PEANUTS, BUT NOW I KNOW IT'S MARZIPAN. IF A STRANGER SAID TO ME,

COME IN MY CAR, I'VE GOT CANDY, I'D SAY NO! BUT IF THEY SAID I'VE GOT

MARZIPAN, I'D SAY ABDUCT ME, BABY! AS SOON AS YOU FINISH ONE,

YOU'LL WANT ANOTHER, AND THAT'S PROBABLY ENOUGH. JUST REMEMBER, DON'T EAT IT

WITHIN 12 HOURS OF GOING TO SLEEP OR AFTER 12 HOURS OF WAKING UP.

AND NOW, CHILDREN, WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE OUR EXPERT CHEF MAKING A FRESH BATCH?

ME! I'M OLDEST. HELLO THERE, I'M MAKING

MARZIPAN. IS THE RECIPE A SECRET? YES.

IS IT JUST ALMONDS? YES. DO YOU MUSH THEM UP?

YES. AND THEN IT'S MARZIPAN? YES!

WAIT, LET'S SEE IF THE BATCH IS READY! MM.

YUCK, IT'S PERFECT! ALL DONE! AND, REMEMBER, IT MUST BE

REFRIGERATED AND CONSUMED WITHIN 50 YEARS. IT WILL NEVER LAST THAT LONG.

NOW LOOK WHAT WE HAVE, CHILDREN. IS THAT WHAT I THINK IT IS?

THAT'S RIGHT, A BRAND-NEW PACK OF M. MINE'S A LITTLE PIG.

LOOK, MINE'S A BABY'S ASS. I THINK THAT'S A PEAR. MINE'S A LITTLE ME.

OH, NO! ONE IS MISSING. SOMEONE HAS STOLE AND MARZIPAN!

OH, SILLY ME! ALL RIGHT, CHILDREN, IT'S TIME FOR THE BIG NUMBER, THE MARZIPAN

REEL. * * * *

* * * * AND NOW THE SONG.

I MEAN VERY GOOD SEATS. I DIDN'T REALIZE THE RETIREMENT HOME HAD ITS OWN

THEATER. THIS IS IMPRESSIVE. THE OASIS HAS IT ALL.

COMPETENT LOCKER ROOMS. AND A STEAKHOUSE WHERE EVERYTHING IS WELL DONE.

YOU HAVE THE SERVICE GRANDMA, WHAT'S WRONG WITH LOIS?

OH, MY GOD, OH, MY FREAKIN' GOD, IT'S REALLY HAPPENING. SHE'S JUST EXCITED FOR THE

SHOW. WE ALL ARE. THE FIRST NIGHT OF HANUKKAH,

THEY ALL KICK THINGS OFF WITH A BANG. I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT

WE'RE SO EXCITED TO SEE. OH, MY GOD, THERE HE IS. * *

OH, MY GOD! OH, MY GOD! THANK YOU, THANK YOU VERY

MUCH! CAN SOMEBODY TURN UP THE AC? I'M SCHIMTZING LIKE A FREAKIN'

HOUND DOG. EH, WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO? IT'S LAS VEGAS.

OH, MY GOD, I'M SO HORNY I'M GOING TO FRIGGIN' EXPLODE. I DON'T GET IT.

HE'S JEWISH ELVIS. HE'S ABOUT TO SING! QUIET, HE'S ABOUT TO SING.

* WISE MEN SAY * WHO NEEDS WISE MEN? WHY ARE THEY SO WISE?

* ONLY FOOLS RUSH IN * WHY ARE THEY RUSHING? EVERYBODY JUST RELAX.

* I CAN'T HELP * I COULD HELP, I DON'T WANT TO, I'M TIRED.

MY BACK HURTS. * I CAN'T HELP ORDERING A DIET COKE EVERY SINGLE RESTAURANT I

GO TO * HE SINGS LIKE A FREAKIN' ANGEL, OH, MY GOD.

I MEAN, IT'S A LITTLE BIT OF SINGING, BUT IT'S MOSTLY COMPLAINING.

YEAH, HE'S JEWISH ELVIS, HELLO! ARE YOU STUPID?

ANYBODY WANT TO SEE ME DO A LITTLE MOVE? * *

OH, I'M LIKE NIAGARA FALLS OVER HERE. OH, MY CHAIR IS GOING TO

FREAKIN' DROWN. OH, OH. RUIN ME, JEWISH ELVIS!

RUIN ME! GROSS. NO THANK YOU!

I THINK YOUR EVERYTHING BAGEL GOT A LITTLE TOO MUCH CREAM CHEESE ON IT, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M

SAYING? THIS IS THE BEST NIGHT OF MY LIFE.

NIGHT? IT IS 4:30 IN THE AFTERNOON. OH, MY GOD, I GOT SHMUTZ ALL

OVER MY FRIGGIN' SUIT. OH, MY GOD, THIS IS A DISASTER! DID HE JUST SAY ZIZASTER?

IT'S HIS FAMOUS CATCH PHRASE. WOO, WOO! HELLO, SORRY, EVERYONE, I'M

BURT, THE DIRECTOR OF THE RETIREMENT HOME. GET YOUR FAT ASS OFF THE

STAGE. YOU'RE BLOCKIN' JEWISH ELVIS! LADIES, CALM DOWN.

APPARENTLY SOMEBODY BROKE THE TOILET IN THE HANDICAP STALL, COMPLETELY COVERED IN

RHINESTONES, SOMEONE SAID THERE WAS A MAN SCREAMING IN THERE SAYING THIS WAS A ZISATER.

ANYTHING YOU WANT TO SAY? GET OFF THE STAGE. GUYS, WHERE'S LOIS?

I DON'T KNOW. OH, MY GOD, SHE'S ON STAGE. SING IT WITH ME!

* MY STOMACH HURTS * * I'VE GOT A BAD CRAMP * *

TOGETHER. * I THINK I ACCIDENTLY HAD DAIRY *

ALL TOGETHER NOW. * WE CAN'T GO ON TOGETHER * *

* WITH DELICIOUS CHEESE * * WITH DELICIOUS CHEESE * * WE ALL GOT DIARRHEA *

* FROM DELICIOUS CHEESE * HAPPY HANUKKAH, EVERYONE, FROM JEWISH ELVIS!

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, LIZZO. ** * I TALKED TO MY

GIRLFRIENDS YESTERDAY * * THEY REMINDED ME OF WHEN YOU HAD ME CRYIN' *

* IN MY CAR AND THEN WHEN YOU CAME * * TO MY BARBECUE

THEY ALL GAVE YOU ATTITUDE * * WELL, SHOOT, EVERY REASON THEY MAD AT YOU IS TRUE *

* BUT WE PROMISED TO MAKE UP EVEN IF IT'S GON' TAKE US * * ALL OF OUR LIVES

I'M WILLING TO * * GIVE IT ANOTHER TRY WE NEED TO DO THIS LIKE *

* LOVE'S ON THE LINE THIS TIME * * BOY, YOU KNOW YOU BETTER

OOH, YOU KNOW YOU BETTER * * BOY, YOU KNOW YOU BETTER WATCH OUT *

* 'CAUSE BOY, YOU KNOW ME BETTER * * YOU KNOW ME SO MUCH BETTER

YOU KNOW THAT I DON'T BREAK UP TWICE * **

* AND MY LOVE SO GOOD IT HURTS * * YOU MAKE IT WORK 'CAUSE

YOU KNOW MY WORTH * * AND I CAN HAVE ANY MAN I WANT *

* BUT I NEVER HAD NOBODY WITH A LOVE LIKE YOU * * IT WOULD BE A SHAME NOT

TO SEE THIS THROUGH * * WHO GON' PUT UP WITH THAT GEMINI MESS LIKE I DO *

* AND WE PROMISED TO MAKE UP EVEN IF IT'S GON' TAKE US * * ALL OF OUR LIVES

I'M WILLING TO * * GIVE IT ANOTHER TRY WE NEED TO DO THIS LIKE *

* LOVE'S ON THE LINE I'M REAL * * LOVING TAKES TIME

BOY, YOU KNOW YOU BETTER * * OOH, YOU KNOW YOU BETTER BOY, YOU KNOW YOU BETTER *

* WATCH OUT 'CAUSE BOY, YOU KNOW * * ME BETTER

YOU KNOW ME SO MUCH BETTER * * YOU KNOW THAT I DON'T BREAK UP *

* YOU KNOW THAT I DON'T BREAK UP TWICE * * WOO-OOH

OH * * OH-OH YEAH BOY, YOU KNOW YOU BETTER *

* HA-HA-HA YOU KNOW THAT I DON'T BREAK UP TWICE *

BREAK UP TWICE * ** [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

COLIN JOST AND MICHAEL CHE. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE.

WELCOME TO WEEKEND UPDATE, I'M MICHAEL CHE. I'M COLIN JOST.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] INSIDERS ARE SAYING THAT THE HOUSE JANUARY 6 COMMITTEE WILL

REFER AT LEAST THREE CRIMINAL CHARGES AGAINST DONALD TRUMP. BUT, AFTER THIS WEEK, I THINK

HE'S ALREADY LOCKED DOWN THAT INSANITY PLEA. SEMI-RETIRED MANIAC, DONALD

TRUMP, HAS LAUNCHED A COLLECTION OF DIGITAL NFT TRADING CARDS DEPICTING HIM IN

VARIOUS COSTUMES INCLUDING COWBOY, SUPER HERO AND MOST UNBELIEVABLE, GUY WHO DIDN'T

DODGE THE DRAFT. I'M HONESTLY JUST RELIEVED THAT HE'S WEARING AN AMERICAN

MILITARY UNIFORM. IT'S SUCH A FUNNY MOVE TO GET INTO NFTs AFTER THE WHOLE MARKET

JUST CRASHED. IT'S LIKE GETTING INTO KANYE NOW, WHICH TRUMP ALSO KIND OF

DID. SAM BANKMAN-FRIED WAS ARRESTED ON FRAUD CHARGES IN THE

BAHAMAS, I'M GOING TO GUESS, WHILE SWIMMING IN A TEE SHIRT. PROSECUTORS ALLEGE THAT

BANKMAN-FRIED TOOK FUNDS FROM FTX CUSTOMERS TO MAKE LARGE POLITICAL DONATIONS.

THAT MONEY WILL NOW BE USED TO MAKE SURE THE CAMERAS OUTSIDE HIS JAIL CELL AREN'T WORKING.

PRESIDENT BIDEN, SEASON HERE, GIVING THE EULOGY AT A PIMP'S FUNERAL, FORMALLY APPROVED NEW

LEGISLATION TO GUARANTEE PROTECTIONS FOR SAME-SEX AND INTERRACIAL MARRIAGES, IN A

SIGNING CEREMONY HELD OVER MY GRANDPA'S DEAD BODY. GEORGIA REPRESENTATIVE,

MARJORIE TAYLOR GREEN, WHO LET'S FACE IT, IS ABSOLUTELY MY TYPE. COMPLAINED THAT PEOPLE CAN BUY

BUTT PLUGS AT TARGET AND THAT THEY MELT AND ARE SHAPED LIKE SANTA.

THIS WEEK, BIDEN ALSO HOSTED LEADERS OF AFRICAN COUNTRIES FOR THE U.S. AFRICAN BUSINESS FORUM.

COINCIDENTALLY, U.S. AFRICAN BUSINESS FORUM IS WHAT THEY CALL WEEKEND UPDATE IN NIGERIA.

WELL, IT IS CHRISTMAS TIME, A TIME WHEN NICE CHILDREN GET PRESENTS, NOT PRESIDENTS, NICE

CHILDREN GET PRESENTS FROM SANTA AND BAD CHILDREN GET A VISIT FROM KRAMPUS, HERE TO VISIT US

IS KRAMPUS. HEY, MICHAEL, HEY, COLIN. HEY, KRAMPUS.

SO HOW ARE YOU DOING? I'M GOOD. I'M A LITTLE BURNT OUT.

I'M SO WRAPPED UP IN THIS JOB. EVERY YEAR I RISE FROM HELL, RUN AROUND, KIDNAP ALL THE NAUGHTY

CHILDREN, AND I JUST GO HOME AND CHECK OUT. COLIN, YOU EVER WATCH FIVE HOURS

STRAIGHT OF TV AND YOU HAVE EATEN 40 KIDS. WAIT, YOU EAT THE KIDS?

THAT'S FINE. WHAT AM I DOING? I JUST TURNED 936.

THESE SHOULD BE THE BEST YEARS OF MY LIFE. THEN I THINK OF MY DAD AT MY

AGE, HE WAS ONE OF THE ORIGINAL GAYS AT SODOM, AND HE WAS MARRIED!

THAT SOUNDS LIKE A LOT OF PRESSURE. YOU KNOW, THERE'S THIS GREAT

QUOTE ABOUT SHAME. IT'S THE FEELING THAT PEOPLE ARE SAYING HURTFUL THINGS ABOUT YOU

WHEN YOU LEAVE THE ROOM, AND I WAS LIKE, WOW. LIKE THAT REALLY RESONATED WITH

ME. WHAT DO YOU MEAN? WHO'S SHAMING YOU?

LIKE PEOPLE IN BAVARIA DRESS UP LIKE ME, YOU'RE MAKING FUN OF MY BODY.

YOU'RE MAKING FUN OF MY LIVELIHOOD. AND I'M SORRY.

MY CULTURE IS NOT YOUR COSTUME. BUT THAT'S WHAT WE DO. WE DON'T PROTECT QUEER VOICES IN

THIS COUNTRY. I'M SICK. OH, I HESITATE TO SAY HORNY,

BUT I DO FEEL THAT'S APPROPRIATE. YOU'RE QUEER?

YEAH, I'M A DEMON, I'M QUEER. THERE'S THIS GREAT LINE, SHE SAYS THEM HO ACCUSATIONS

WEAK, THEM BITCH ACCUSATIONS TRUE. AND THAT REALLY RESONATED WITH

ME. BECAUSE, YEAH, WHAT I DO ISN'T GREAT, BUT IT'S LIKE MY

THERAPIST ALWAYS SAYS, KRAMPUS, YOUR JOB IS TO PUNISH CHILDREN, NOT YOURSELF.

AND WHO IS YOUR THERAPIST? GHISLAINE MAXWELL. OH.

WOW. SHE'S YOUR THERAPIST? BECAUSE SHE'S NOT DEAD.

SHE COMMUTES, COLIN. IT'S HARD, YOU KNOW, I'M RUNNING AROUND CENTRAL EUROPE ON FOOT BY

MYSELF AND SELF-REPORTING TO EVERY VILLAGE. MEANWHILE, I GREW UP SOLIDLY

MIDDLE CLASS. MY MOTHER WAS A TEACHER. WHAT DID SHE TEACH?

HOW TO EAT KIDS. SO AS MUCH AS I WANT TO QUIET QUIT I SHOW UP, AND I DO THE

WORK. BECAUSE, I LIKE MYSELF. MAYBE YOU SHOULD TRY IT, MY

FRIEND. WATER'S WARM. THERE'S A QUOTE ABOUT

SELF-ACCEPTANCE, HE GHISLAINE IS A BAD THERAPIST. I'M FALLING APART.

U.S. SCIENTISTS HAVE MADE A DISCOVERY THAT THEY HOPE WILL LEAD TO THE REMIX OF IGNITION.

A NEW STUDY HAS FOUND THAT USING SCREENS TO STOP A CHILD'S TANTRUMS CAN HARM THEIR ABILITY

TO CONTROL THEIR EMOTIONS. THE STUDY IS CALLED "ELON MUSK." THEY ARE WORRIED THAT A

RIVALRY BETWEEN DONALD TRUMP AND RON DeSANTIS COULD LEAD TO A CIVIL WAR, WHICH IS PERFECT,

CIVIL WAR, WHICH IS PERFECT, BECAUSE THEY ALREADY HAVE THE FLAGS.

WEEK WITH OUR FAMILIES, AND HERE TO TALK ABOUT IT IS MY GREAT AUNT PAT.

HI, AUNT PAT. HI, HONEY, YOU LOOK DASHING AS EVER.

AND MY, HOW IT'S NICE TO BE BACK ON UPDATE. YEAH, YEAH, EXCEPT YOU'VE

NEVER BEEN HERE BEFORE. COLIN, WHERE ARE YOUR MANNERS?

NEVER, EVER QUESTION A LADY, ESPECIALLY AT CHRISTMAS TIME. I'M SO SORRY.

WELCOME BACK TO UPDATE. THANK YOU. THANK YOU.

NOW, COLIN, MANNERS ARE THE GLUE THAT HOLD SOCIETY TOGETHER. YOU KNOW YOU DIDN'T EVEN GREET

ME CORRECTLY? I DIDN'T? NO, YOU SEE AT CHRISTMAS TIME

YOU ALWAYS GREET YOUR ELDERS WITH A KISS ON THE LIPS. WHY, WHY THE LIPS?

MANNERS, COLIN. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] OOH, MY APOLOGIES, MS.

SCARLETT. I'M YOUR AUNT, BOY. I AM GOING TO NEED A DRINK AFTER

THAT. WHERE'S MY BUTLER? MIKEY DAY!

MIKEY DAY! YES, PAT. MIKEY, YOU'RE BUTLERING FOR

MY AUNT PAT? YEAH, I'M NOT IN A LOT OF SKETCHES, AND I NEED MONEY FOR

CHRISTMAS. WHAT CAN I GET FOR YOU. I'LL TAKE A SLOW GIN JUICE.

SORRY A SLOW GIN JIZ? YES, A SLOW GIN JIZ. ALL RIGHT, THANK YOU, MIKEY DAY.

THANK YOU. AND THAT WILL BE ALL, MIKEY DAY.

THAT WILL BE ALL. MIKEY, THAT WILL BE ALL. YOU CAN GO NOW.

AUNT PAT, AUNT PAT. DID YOU JUST TAP HIS CROTCH? YOU MEAN A BOUF ON THE GOOCH?

YOU KNOW GASPY LOVES TO BE GREETED WITH A BOUF ON THE GOOCH.

GATSBY IS A FICTIONAL CHARACTER. COLIN, I JUST SAW ON YOUR

MONITOR, MY SLOW GIN JIZ HAS ALMOST COMPLETELY WIPED AWAY MY LIP STAIN.

MIKEY DAY? YES, PAT. YES.

LIPSTICK. YOU APPLY IT TO YOUR LIPS, THEN YOU PUT YOUR LIPS ON MINE.

OH, MIKEY, YOU REALLY DON'T HAVE TO. COLIN, MANNERS, COLIN.

IT'S LIKE BREAKING APART. ALL RIGHT, MIKEY DAY. ALL RIGHT.

LOOKS LIKE WE BOTH HAD SMOKED SALMON FOR DINNER. MM.

THANK YOU. OKAY. OKAY, THANK YOU, MIKEY DAY.

YOU GAVE HIM ONE DOLLAR? THAT WILL BE ALL, MIKEY DAY. THAT WILL BE ALL.

AUNT PAT, NONE OF THIS IS ETIQUETTE. IT SEEMS LIKE YOU JUST WANT TO

KISS AND FONDLE MOVIE STARS. COLIN! MOVIE STARS?

YOU BOYS AREN'T MOVIE STARS. YOU'RE TV MUPPETS. AUNT PAT.

AUNT PAT, YOU'RE OUT OF CONTROL. NO, I'M STAYIN' HERE, BECAUSE I HAVE A GIFT FOR YOU.

MIKEY DAY? MIKEY. I WANT TO GIVE COLIN HIS

CHRISTMAS GIFT, BUT HIS LIPS ARE A LITTLE DRY. MIKEY, DO WHAT YOU DO.

THAT'S OKAY, I PUT ON A LITTLE LIPSTICK BEFORE I CAME OUT HERE.

THAT'S OKAY. OOH. YES.

THANK YOU. THANK YOU. NOW, I'M HAVING A SLOW GIN

JIZ OF MY OWN HERE. OKAY, NOW ME NOW. ME NOW.

A LITTLE TONGUE, ALL RIGHT, OKAY. THANK YOU, MIKEY DAY.

YOU CAN RUN ALONG NOW. MY GREAT AUNT [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

A MAN WHO MADE AVIATION HISTORY BY PARACHUTING OUT OF A HOT AIR BALLOON 20 MILES ABOVE

THE EARTH HAS DIED AT THE AGE OF 94 WHEN HE FINALLY HIT THE GROUND.

RESEARCHERS ARE SAYING THAT FOR MORE THAN A DECADE, THEY TRACKED A HUMPBACK WHALE AS IT

SWAM OVER 3,000 MILES FROM CANADA TO HAWAII WITH A BROKEN SPINE.

THEY EVEN GOT A RECORDING OF ITS WHALE SONG. * OW, OW, OW, OW, OW *

2022 IS ALMOST OVER, AND OOH-WEE, DID A LOT HAPPEN. HERE TO HELP US MAKE SENSE OF IT

ALL IS TWO-TIME HEISMAN TROPHY STEALER, CATHY ANNE. HO, HO, HO, MICHAEL CHO.

YOU LOOK ADORABLE. I LOVE YOUR SANTA HAT. IT'S COVERING UP A GIANT OPEN

WOUND. I GOT A LITTLE SCALPED. YOU GOT SCALPED?

I FELL ASLEEP ON AN ESCALATOR. IT IS JUST A MESS UP HERE.

BUT AT LEAST NOW THE CURTAINS MATCH THE DRAPES. YUCK, CATHY ANNE.

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? YOU GO TO THE WORST PRAISE PLACE

AND YOU FIGURE IT OUT. WHAT'S GOT YOUR GOOSE TONIGHT?

GLAD YOU ASKED, YOU SEXY PIECE OF CRAP. I'M HERE TO SAY GOOD-BYE.

WHERE YOU GOIN'? TURNS OUT, PRISON. PRISON?

THE THINGS I'VE ADMITTED TO YOU ADDED UP. DESTRUCTION OF PROPERTY.

METH, METH AND CRACK. SONIC ATTACKS. WHAT THE RUSSIANS DO WITH

SOUND WAVES? NO, I DID AN UPPER DECKER AT THE SOFT SERVER AT SONIC.

BUT A LOT OF PEOPLE DID END UP WITH PRETTY BAD HEADACHES. BUT IT WORKED OUT OKAY, BECAUSE

I MADE A PLEA DEAL, I ENDED UP GETTING LIFE IN PRISON THAT'S A BAD DEAL.

THEY WANTED TO KILL ME. THEY BROUGHT THE CHAIR BACK AND HAD ME TRY THE HAT ON AND

EVERYTHING. I'M SORRY YOU'RE GOING TO PRISON.

I'M NOT. IT'S GOING TO GIVE ME MUCH-NEEDED STABILITY.

AND I'M NOT TOO SCARED. I GOT FRIENDS ON THE INSIDE. THEY SEEM TO BE DOING OKAY.

AND IT'S OKAY, YOU KNOW. LY A GOOD RUN, I MINE, I MET YOU.

WE FELL IN LOVE, WE MADE A SEX TAPE. CATHY ANNE, YOU GETTING

CAUGHT ON MY RING CAM MASTURBATING IS NOT A SEX TAPE. TOMATO, TO-MA-TO.

HERE'S A PICTURE OF YOU AND ME DOING UPDATE TOGETHER. WHOA, CATHY ANNE, YOU LOOK SO

DIFFERENT. WHAT HAPPENED? OKAY, EXCUSE ME, LOOK AT YOU.

HAVE YOU SEEN YOU NOW VERSUS WHEN YOU STARTED, MR. SILVER FOX?

TURNING INTO OBAMA. ALL RIGHT, THAT'S FAIR, FAIR. LISTEN, LISTEN.

EVERYBODY HAS TO GO TO JAIL AT SOME POINT, RIGHT? JUST MY TIME NOW.

BUT I'VE HAD A LOT OF FUN HERE, AND I FEEL REALLY LUCKY THAT I GOT TO HAVE SO MANY OF THE BEST

MOMENTS OF MY LIFE IN THIS PLACE WITH THESE PEOPLE THAT I LOVE SO MUCH.

BUT I DON'T KNOW, TAKE THAT WITH A GRAIN OF SALT GIVE THAN I HAVE ADDICTION ISSUES.

ANOTHER DRUG ADDICT SAID, THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE HOME, AND THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE THE HOME I

GOT TO YELL OUTSIDE MICHAEL CHE'S WINDOW. AND JUST REMEMBER,

AND JUST REMEMBER, * I DID IT HIGH, CHE * OH, MY GOD, I LIT IT!

(**)

AND MAYBE NEXT YEAR WE CAN

HOST THIS PARTY IN THE BAHAMAS. CHEERS, EVERYBODY. CHEERS.

SERIOUSLY, THANK YOU ALL FOR COMING TONIGHT. NOW WHY DON'T WE START THE WHITE

ELEPHANT GIFT EXCHANGE. DOES EVERYONE KNOW HOW THIS WORKS?

REMIND ME AGAIN? WE ALL TAKE TURNS GRABBING GIFTS, RIGHT?

BUT YOU ONLY PICK WHEN YOUR NUMBER IS CALLED. BUT WE CAN STEAL, RIGHT?

EXACTAMUNDO. WHO'S GOT NUMBER ONE? THAT WOULD BE ME.

ALL RIGHT, WHAT HAVE WE GOT HERE? MM, THAT'S A CANDLE RIGHT HERE.

LOVE IT. OKAY WHO'S NEXT? WHO'S NEXT?

NUMBER TWO RIGHT HERE. OH, NICE! A SWEET ASHTRAY, OH, YOU KNOW, I

WAS JUST SAYING I NEEDED SOMETHING LIKE THIS. I'M GOING TO USE THIS AS A

CATCHALL BY THE FRONT DOOR OF MY PLACE SO WHEN I GET HOME FROM A LONG DAY I CAN PUT ALL MY RINGS

AND BRACELETS AND PLAYING CARDS AND STUFF FROM MY POCKETS RIGHT HERE.

TO WHOEVER GOT THIS, THANK YOU, FOR REAL. I AM GOING CHERISH THIS FOREVER.

IT IS PERFECT. LET'S MOVE ON. I'M NUMBER THREE.

I'M GOING TO STEAL. I LIKE SHAWN'S GIFT. SO WHAT, NOW I JUST DON'T GET

A GIFT? NO, SHAWN, YOU CAN GO BACK TO THE UNOPEN GIFTS, OR CAN YOU

STEAL. OKAY, I'LL STEAL MY GIFT BACK.

NO, I DON'T THINK YOU CAN DO THAT. YEAH, YOU HAVE TO GRAB

SOMEONE ELSE'S. THAT'S NOT FAIR THAT YOU SHOULDN'T BE ABLE TO DO THAT,

THAT'S LIKE MEAN. THAT'S MEAN AS HELL. YOU KNOW WHAT, AVA?

YOU ARE A WICKED LITTLE WOMAN. WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, SHAWN, I'M GOING TO NEED TO YOU CHILLAX.

THAT'S OUT GAME IS PLAYED, DUDE. YOU SHOULDN'T BE ABLE TO TAKE

SOMEONE'S GIFT FOR THEM IF IT'S RIGHT FOR THEM. FOR EXAMPLE, I WOULDN'T TAKE

JANETTE'S SCENTED CANDLE BECAUSE LETTER HOUSE STINKS. WHAT?

WE ALL KNOW THAT YOU NEED THAT CANDLE. WE'VE ALL BEEN TO YOUR HOUSE.

IT'S OKAY, JUST TAKE A DIFFERENT GIFT. ALL RIGHT, WHATEVER.

ARE YOU GOING TO OPEN IT? WHY? IT'S JUST GOING TO SUCK.

HEY, LET'S ALL TAKE A CHILL PILL AND PUSH THROUGH. THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE FUN,

REMEMBER? WHO'S NEXT? JANETTE, COULD I GET A WHIFF

YOUR CANDLE? I THINK I KNOW WHERE THIS IS GOING.

SO WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO USE IT, TO SMOKE DOPE? SHAWN!

LOOK AT HER, SHE'S OBVIOUSLY DOPED OUT OF HER HEAD RIGHT NOW. TOTAL DOPEHEAD.

YOU'RE GOING A CHILD. JUST OPEN YOUR GIFT. LET'S SEE WHAT CRAP AWAITS.

IT'S ADDRESSED TO ME. WHO WROTE MY NAME ON THIS ONE? OH, MY GOODNESS.

IT'S THE SAME CATCHALL, BUT IN JET BLACK. THAT'S LIKE EVEN MORE AWESOME

THAN THE OTHER ONE, BECAUSE JET BLACK IS MY FAVORITE COLOR. YOUR FAVORITE COLOR IS JET

BLACK? IT'S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE, GUYS!

WHO DID THIS? COME ON, FESS UP, SOMEBODY. IT WASN'T ME.

I DIDN'T. THAT MUST MEAN -- HO, HO, HO, HO, SANTA CLAUS

HERE, TELLING YOU THAT IF SOMEONE IS LUCKY ENOUGH TO GET A PERFECT GIFT AT THE WHITE

ELEPHANT GIFT EXCHANGE, LET THEM KEEP IT. IT COSTS YOU NOTHING TO BE NICE.

NOW YOU MIGHT WONDER HOW I KNEW SHAWN WANTED THAT CATCHALL. JUST CALL IT FATHER'S INTUITION.

JUST CALL IT FATHER'S INTUITION. HO, HO, MERRY CHRISTMAS! HO, HO, HO!

IS IMPRESSED BY CHRISTMAS STUFF. HI, I'M JENNIFER COOLIDGE. I LOVE CHRISTMAS.

OH, LOOK AT THIS. A BIG SOCK FULL OF GIFTS. YOU KNOW, THE ULTIMATE STOCKING

STUFFER IS A FOOT. AH, CHRISTMAS LIGHTS. SO COLORFUL, YOU KNOW, ONE YEAR,

I GOT THE BLINKING ONES, I LEFT MY CHRISTMAS TREE ON ALL NIGHT AND LEARNED MY CAT WAS

EPILEPTIC. OH, THAT'S REALLY GOOD! DID YOU WRITE THIS SONG?

DID I WRITE "JINGLE BELLS"? YEAH. NO.

THEN WHO DID? I DON'T KNOW. SOME GUY.

MM, A BIG CUP OF EGGNOG! KIND OF WEIRD. TASTE LIKE I'M DRINKING SANTA'S

[ BLEEP ]! OH, HAPPY BIRTHDAY. I FORGOT TO MAKE A WISH.

WOW, CHRISTMAS PRESENTS. COULD BE ANYTHING IN HERE. I WANT TO SHAKE IT.

GIVE ME SOME MUSIC! * * SOUNDS LIKE AN ANTIQUE DOLL WITH

ONE EYE. OH. I WAS RIGHT!

ONCE AGAIN, LIZZO! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] **

* SOMEDAY AT CHRISTMAS MEN WON'T BE BOYS * * PLAYING WITH BOMBS

LIKE KIDS PLAY WITH TOYS * * ONE WARM DECEMBER OUR HEARTS WILL SEE *

* A WORLD WHERE WE ARE FREE SOMEDAY AT CHRISTMAS * * THERE'LL BE NO WARS

WHEN WE HAVE LEARNED * * WHAT CHRISTMAS IS FOR WHEN WE HAVE FOUND *

* WHAT LIFE'S REALLY WORTH THERE'LL BE PEACE ON EARTH * * SOMEDAY ALL OUR DREAMS

WILL COME TO BE * * SOMEDAY IN A WORLD WHERE WE ARE FREE *

* MAYBE JUST IN TIME FOR YOU AND ME * * SOMEDAY AT CHRISTMASTIME

SOMEDAY AT CHRISTMAS * * WE'LL SEE A LAND WITH NO HUNGRY CHILDREN *

* NO EMPTY HAND ONE HAPPY MORNING * * PEOPLE WILL SHARE

OUR WORLD WHERE * * PEOPLE CARE WHOA, SOMEDAY AT CHRISTMAS *

* THERE'LL BE NO TEARS WHEN WE'RE ALL EQUAL * * AND NO ONE HAS FEARS

ONE SHINING MOMENT * * ONE PRAYER AWAY FROM OUR WORLD TODAY *

* SOMEDAY ALL OUR DREAMS WILL COME TO BE * * SOMEDAY IN A WORLD

WHERE WE ARE FREE * * MAYBE JUST IN TIME FOR YOU AND ME *

* SOMEDAY AT CHRISTMASTIME SOMEDAY AT CHRISTMAS * * WE WILL NOT FAIL

HATE WILL BE GONE * * AND LOVE WILL PREVAIL IN A NEW WORLD *

* THAT WE CAN START WITH HOPE IN EVERY HEART * * SOMEDAY ALL OUR DREAMS

WILL COME TO BE * * SOMEDAY WE'LL BE FREE *

* MAYBE JUST IN TIME FOR YOU AND ME * * SOMEDAY AT CHRISTMASTIME

SOMEDAY AT CHRISTMASTIME * ** [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

SOMETHING LIKE THAT. THAT COULD BE A FUNNY SKETCH. THANKS, MAN, YEAH.

HEY, WHY DON'T WE CELEBRATE WITH A GLASS OF RED WINE. OH, MY SHIRT.

NOW I'M GOING TO LOOK LIKE A SLOB FOR THE DATE I HAVE TONIGHT.

DON'T YOU HATE WHEN THIS HAPPENS? I WISH THERE WAS A SOLUTION TO THIS VERY COMMON

PROBLEM. WHAT'S THAT? I SAID I WISH THERE WAS A

SOLUTION TO THIS VERY COMMON PROBLEM. WELL, NOW THERE IS, THE

PLIRT. THE SHIRT MADE OF 100% PLASTIC. THAT'S PLASTIC?

IT LOOKS LIKE A REGULAR SHIRT. I KNOW IT DOES, BUT IT MEANS SPILLS AND STAINS RINSE RIGHT

OFF. GUYS, WHAT'S GOING ON? THANKS TO MARTIN'S PLIRT, HIS

DATE NIGHT JUST TURNED INTO A SEX NIGHT. MAN, THEY'RE COMFY.

HEY, MARTIN, IS THIS COMPANY LOOKING FOR INVESTORS? THEY NEED INVESTORS BAD!

BECAUSE THEY'RE SO IN THE RED RIGHT NOW. AUSTIN?

YOU WANT ME TO INVEST IN YOUR COMPANY. AND WOULD YOU BELIEVE US IF

WE TOLD YOU THAT THEY'RE GOOD FOR THE ENVIRONMENT? PLASTIC SHIRTS?

NO, BUT WE WERE HOPING WOULD YOU BELIEVE THAT. TRY ONE ON.

IT'S LIKE A PHONE CASE. WE GOOGLED AND WE KNOW YOU HAVE ENOUGH MONEY.

GUYS, I CAN'T MOVE MY ARMS IN THIS. SURE YOU CAN.

WATCH ME WATCH THIS CUP. I ALMOST HAD IT. THEY'RE STYLISH, STAINPROOF

AND NOT FOR PREGNANT WOMEN. WHAT WAS THAT LAST ONE? SLEEK, LIGHTWEIGHT AND

INTERNAL TEMPERATURE OF 110 DEGREES. THAT'S WHY I ALWAYS WHERE MY

PLANTS. AND THEY SELL PLIKINIS. WHY ARE YOU TALKING LIKE

THIS? BECAUSE WE NEED THE MONEY, MAN!

WE MAKE $30 A VIDEO. HOW DID YOU GET THE MONEY FOR THE PLOTHING?

I GOT THE HELP FROM MY GIRL. YOU'RE DATING LIZZO? AND BY THE WAY, I'M NOT

WEARING ANY PLANTIES. THESE ARE DANGEROUS AND INSANE.

THEY DO NOT BELONG IN THE OFFICE OR ON THE STREETS. THEY BELONG ON THE RUNWAY!

* * PLIRTS. PLIRTS.

PLIRT. LOVE MIGHT AND CHEMICAL, BUT THEN AGAIN, SO IS PLASTIC.

LOVE MIGHT AND CHEMICAL, BUT THEN AGAIN, SO IS PLASTIC. IN STORES NOW.

ON BREAK FOR CHRISTMAS. AS SOME OF YOU KNOW, THIS IS CECILY'S LAST DAY WORKING AT

RADIO SHACK, AFTER EIGHT INCREDIBLE YEARS. WELL, I'VE BEEN HERE 11.

I KNOW, AND EIGHT OF THEM WERE INCREDIBLE. HONESTLY, I DON'T THINK RADIO

SHACK COULD HAVE SURVIVED THIS LONG WITHOUT CECILY. EVERY TIME SHE CAME TO WORK, SHE

HAD A NEW CHARACTER OR NEW ACCENT OR NEW IMPRESSION THAT WOULD BLOW YOU AWAY.

SHE'D HAVE A POWER AND JOY TO HER PERFORMANCE THAT MADE YOU REMEMBER WHY YOU LOVED WORKING

AT RADIO SHACK IN THE FIRST PLACE. I KNOW I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO SAY

THIS AS YOUR BOSS, BUT I LOVE YOU, CECILY. I LOVE YOU TOO, MR. FRANK

LASAGNA. THAT'S RIGHT. THAT IS MY NAME.

NOW WE ALL POOLED OUR MONEY TOGETHER, MONEY THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO GO TO CHILDREN IN

NEED, AND WE DECIDED TO HIRE A SPECIAL GUEST FOR OUR CHRISTMAS PARTY INSTEAD.

UNFORTUNATELY, THE COSTUME WAS EXTRA, AND WE CHOSE TO NOT SPRING FOR THAT.

SO PLEASE WELCOME, CASUAL ELVIS. * * [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU, THANK YOU VERY MUCH. YEAH, WE DIDN'T PAY FOR

THE VOICE EITHER. CECILY, I'VE ONLY MET YOU THIS WEEK, BUT IT FEELS LIKE

I'VE KNOWN YOU FOR TWO WEEKS, AND I KNOW I SPEAK FOR EVERYONE WHEN I SAY, *

I'LL HAVE BLUE * * CHRISTMAS WITHOUT YOU * * WE'LL BE SO BLUE *

* JUST THINKIN' ABOUT YOU * * ALL THE SKETCHES * * WITH DOGS *

* OR WHEN A GUY'S GOT ONE TOO * * WON'T BE THE SAME, DEAR * * WHEN YOU GO *

* AND WHEN THOSE BLUE * * SNOWFLAKES START FALLIN' * * THAT'S WHEN THOSE BLUE *

* MEMORIES START CALLIN' * * YOU'LL BE DOIN' ALL RIGHT * * EVERY SATURDAY NIGHT *

* BUT I'LL HAVE A BLUE, BLUE, BLUE, BLUE, BLUE CHRISTMAS * * WE'LL HAVE A BLUE *

* CHRISTMAS WITHOUT YOU * * WE'LL BE SO BLUE * * JUST THINKIN' ABOUT YOU *

* YOU'LL BE DOING ALL RIGHT * * WITH YOUR CHRISTMAS SO WHITE * * BUT WE'LL HAVE A BLUE, BLUE,

BLUE, BLUE, BLUE CHRISTMAS * * BECAUSE YOU'LL BE DOIN' ALL RIGHT *

* EVERY SATURDAY NIGHT * * BUT WE'LL ALL HAVE A BLUE, BLUE, BLUE, BLUE CHRISTMAS *

* * [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU SO MUCH, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. THANK YOU TO ALL OF THE AMAZING

CAST MEMBERS WHO WELCOMED ME SO WARMLY. YOU GUYS ARE ALL AMAZING.

I'M JUST SO GRATEFUL TO BE HERE. THANK YOU, LIZZO! THANK YOU!

CECILY, I'M SO GLAD I GOT TO MEET YOU. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

MEET YOU. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY