Original subtitles

2 [spooky electronic music plays]

♪ ♪

Hey, what's up? It's Guapdad.

I don't know how I ended up here,

but I'm pretty sure I'm about to throw up.

Before I do that, you wouldn't believe

what happened last week on Blindspotting.

[coughs]

- Talkin' 'bout. - Uh-blah-dow.

I was married in Bali.

Yo, who the fuck are you texting?

Earl?

[Janelle] Man, fuck that nigga.

Shit, he only text me, what, twice since he got out?

[Jacque] Hey, Daddy.

- [Trish] Cuddie's in too deep. - [Ashley] Yeah.

I need to break them up. I need to break them up.

[bachelorette] You're just a little sad.

Like, you have a sad face.

I wonder what's wrong.

It's fine. Every... everything is fine.

Thank you!

[hip-hop music plays]

[rapper] ♪ Scam sell, doing well ♪

♪ Pulling up in a truck ♪

♪ I'm a factor in my city I'm 100 as fuck ♪

♪ Inuyasha, I'm a dog ♪

♪ I'm a pit, you a pug ♪

♪ I'ma always have bitches 'Cause I'm funny as fuck ♪

♪ These are triple S Balenciagas ♪

♪ They looking funky though ♪

♪ I like 'em slim thick My brother ♪

♪ He like them funky hos ♪

[Trish] Okay, shit, y'all, we are here!

- [Ashley] Ooh. - [Janelle] Yeah.

- [Trish] Hey. - [Earl] Ooh.

[Ashley] Whew, hey.

Dang, y'all, I haven't been to the boardwalk

in hella long.

Yo, we gotta hit that Giant Dipper.

I don't think I've been here since I was, like, six.

Yo, Ash, you hear something?

It sounded like our long lost friend Earl,

but apparently, that dude's been out of jail

for hella long and just been ghosting us.

Okay.

Nelle, let's just ease into this.

- You know what I'm saying? - [Earl] No.

I mean, Ashley invited me. Trish said it was cool.

Oh, and did y'all know that he allegedly has a girlfriend

we ain't never met?

June got tickets to see Kehlani, so she went to see Kehlani.

Oh. Oh, okay. I see.

So if your new girlfriend isn't available...

- Ah, ew, ew, ew, ew. - Nelle!

- Chill. That shit's not cute. - Chill.

Not cute.

- Hey. - [Janelle] Don't.

- How come Jacque didn't come? - Oh.

Um, you know, she introducing Cuddie

to her family at their Halloween party,

and then we will never see him again.

Oh, why do you say it like that?

I may have told Jacque's cousins

Nump and P-Lo to give Cuddie

some disastrous costume advice.

Okay! [laughs]

Who is ready for Fright Night? Am I right?

Trish, what are you doing?

Um, oh, I'm about to use

my patent Trish and Jacque move.

Okay, what move is that?

Duh, pretend to be blind

so you get a disabled pass and cut the front of the line.

[all] No!

- Trish! - No, no, no, no, no, no.

- Now you done gone too far. - Boo.

- No, Trish. - Fuck y'all.

Trish, you can't walk like that!

[Trish] Fuck y'all.

[Janelle] The ancestors is watching, Trish!

[Earl] We should have to walk like that.

- We all have to... - [Ashley] God.

[Earl] Wait, guys, help.

[Ashley] Are you fucking kidding me?

I don't want no part in this.

[rapper] ♪ Your style's Fucking pitiful ♪

♪ I'm a pit bull With no leash ♪

♪ Call the police ♪

♪ I think that MC host shit Is weak as fuck ♪

♪ Please button up And have a seat ♪

♪ You'd think I had chainsawed My face off ♪

♪ Replaced face With another chain saw ♪

♪ Had guard on Now that guard off ♪

♪ I'm like, "Hey, everybody I should take off" ♪

♪ Like gone off To see you bad... ♪

Look at my Tagalog queen. Damn!

- And what are you? - Oh, me?

[chuckles]

Blah-dow! Pirate.

- I'm here for that booty. - [Jacque] Oh, fuck.

Okay, no, no, no.

Maybe we should just go somewhere else.

You-you don't want to go in there dressed like that.

Uh... come on, babe.

Is this about meeting your parents?

No.

- Or is this a Filipino thing? - No.

'Cause, honestly, I'm hella nervous

about meeting your pops,

so I- I did a lot of research,

and I talked to your cousin Nump...

Ugh, no!

...and there's nowhere where I ever read

there being any beef between pirates

and the Filipino community.

I mean, of course, unless you count Hook.

Like, that's straight funk.

Uh-huh.

Because Rufio.

He Filipino.

Did you know that?

[sighs] I did.

I do.

And you're not a pirate. You make a cute musketeer.

[chuckles] I'm a pirate.

Mm-mmm, no, you're a musketeer tonight, okay?

Let's just get these buttoned up, okay?

- Okay, fine. Let's go inside. - Okay.

But don't take your coat off,

no matter what.

Okay.

- [thump] - [Cuddie] Oh.

- I got you. - Cool. Thanks, babe.

Thank you. Hey, Mom.

- Hi. - Hey, Jacque. Mwah.

- This is Cuddie. - Hi. Nice to meet you.

Tall. Nice to meet you too.

- Dad's in the back. - Okay, thanks.

- Ooh, you did that one, huh? - I did.

See, that feel like a nice precursor

to your trappy mermaid saga.

[Jacque] It is.

[Cuddie] Oh, is that your dad?

[dramatic fantasy music plays]

[Lost Boys crowing]

[Lost Boys] Bangarang, bangarang, bangarang!

Stop!

For real?

- Jacque, is your daddy... - No, no, don't say it!

- Rufio... - No!

[Trish] Okay, y'all.

[gasps]

Blow!

With this, I can take up to three guests

to the front of every line.

Oh, my God. Y'all, this is so wrong, okay?

Why we didn't just get fast passes?

- 'Cause they $300 each. - Ugh, ugh.

Okay, why y'all making such a big deal out of this?

It is a life hack, okay?

Look, y'all don't ever use

the big handicap stall in the bathroom?

- Really? - No.

Really? Okay.

Well, this is the same thing, okay?

The same exact thing. Who does it hurt?

[Janelle] For starters,

it's offensive to disabled people.

Girl, it's Halloween.

Everybody is being offensive today.

Ooh, look, look, look, see?

She is cosplaying being a sex worker,

and you don't see me throwing a fucking fit!

Oh, my gosh, Trish, could you please just lose

the fucking stick, okay?

They have to cut to the front of the line

because they're really disabled, okay?

Uh, Nelle, say "differently abled."

Uh, okay, wait, wait, hold up, hold up, hold up, okay.

Aren't you pretending to be Catholic right now?

- Hmm? - What?

You a Buddhist, nigga.

I'm paying homage to Deloris Van Cartier.

And I'm paying homage to fucking blind people.

- No. - Uh...

Nigga, you are not blind.

And you are not Deloris.

[rapper] ♪ I could fight Like Kun Li with my all that ♪

[Jacque] Be cool.

[Cuddie] How could you not tell me your daddy is Rufio?

[Jacque] How has it not come up

that you're this obsessed with Hook?

It was one of my favourite movies growing up.

Look, I am not emotionally equipped

for this moment right now.

It's okay. Come on.

Hey, Dad, look who's here.

It's my boyfriend, who you promised to be nice to.

[Cuddie] Mr. Basco, it's a pleasure to meet you.

Ooh.

You are tall, man. Real tall.

Well, you know, I know everything about you

from watching your... from watching Jacque

just talk about you so much, about what a great swords...

- Dad- dad and father you are. - Be cool.

[Dante] My daughter...

says you're a banker.

I mean, what's that like?

[Cuddie] Uh, you know, it's real cool.

You know, I- I work in a bank bank.

I count money, collect debt, sail the high seas of finance,

but-but not like a pirate.

- [Jacque] Oh, God. - [guest] Huh?

[guest] Hey, who just said pirate?

- Oh, my God. - [Cuddie] Oh, nah, nah, nah.

I said, "Not a pirate."

[rapper] ♪ I playing Credit roulette, hey ♪

♪ I don't really have no time For stank hos ♪

♪ I just really want to get A bankroll, bankroll ♪

♪ In the club I just might change clubs ♪

Ooh. [sighs]

Shit. It's a long way down.

Who the fuck are you texting?

- It's none of your business. - What you saying?

What you sending? You sending some pictures?

Can you mind your own business? Back up, Smash.

'Cause if we fall, I'ma kick your ass.

- Stop. - Ow.

I was gonna wait to tell you this,

but, um... I'm talking to Mustafa again.

Mustafa Mustafa? Like, Bali Mustafa?

- Mm-hmm. - Ooh, child. Oh, no.

So is-is June your new girlfriend?

I don't know, girlfriend is, like, a tough thing

- for me to define, you know? - Mm, yeah.

Pshh. [sighs]

- I heard that. - [Janelle] Don't do that.

- Don't do that. - [Ashley] Nelle.

You said that he didn't double down for you.

Okay, well, you and Miles are not

the only tragic love story, Ash, okay?

'Cause I been married to a motherfucker too,

and you don't know what it was like.

[groans]

- Are you dating somebody? - [sighs]

It's tragic, Earl.

My heart is telling me I'm in love with Jacque.

- The fuck? - [Earl] Mm.

And she's with Cuddie.

Okay, well, fine. Fine.

I am so happy for you, Nelle.

Everybody, I'm so happy for my friend Nelle... look.

Okay, now you being a fucking jerk.

- Look, I'm smiling. - Okay.

My best fucking friend is moving back to Bali!

Wow, I didn't even say that I was going back to...

you know what, fine.

Bet, Ash. You got it. Never mind.

Wait, I lightweight thought you already were with Jacque.

And niggas thought you was with Janelle.

Oh, no, she mad at me

because I didn't keep in contact when I got sent back.

[Trish] Hmm.

Which, like, I get it, but sometimes...

...going there just complicates shit out here.

And no disrespect to y'all.

It's just, some shit,

y'all just can't understand about that.

Mm.

But that doesn't mean

I don't care about her, you know?

Nice monologue, brother. You gonna tell her that?

I'm just saying, it seems unhealthy.

[Janelle scoffs] Tss.

Well, I don't think that healthy

is your area of expertise lately.

You gonna tell Jacque you in love with her?

I mean, I don't need to tell that girl nothing,

because once her and Cuddie are done,

the wifedom is back.

Ooh, that reminds me.

I need to text P-Lo.

[P-Lo] ♪ Same squad Same squad, same squad ♪

♪ Drop-top coupe Dodge raindrops ♪

♪ Big bag plays on FaceTime ♪

[phone chimes]

♪ Same squad, same squad, same squad ♪

♪ Cross move quick like AI ♪

♪ Chain shine bright Like daytime ♪

♪ Stack big bread Like waist high ♪

♪ Uh, I don't do lames ♪

♪ Little bitch watch out like 2 Chainz ♪

♪ Uh, I done swerved In a new lane ♪

Oh...

- [record scratches] - [all gasp]

Pirate!

[dramatic music plays]

- What? - Ah, hell nah!

You been a pirate this whole time?

We been gigging with you.

Is nothing sacred?

I know how this looks!

Can we please not do this?

You a pirate, pare! We kill pirates!

[sighs] Oh, every fucking time!

Whenever I bring a boy home, my dad challenges him

to a sword fight,

and when you lose,

it means you're a pirate forever.

♪ ♪

All I ever wanted to be was a Lost Boy.

But can he fight? Can he fly?

Can he... [crows]

[all crow]

Babe, don't worry. I was born for this.

I got hands.

I am fly.

I can't crow...

but I can "Yee!"

[all] Yee!

♪ ♪

[all] Ooh!

- Ha! - [both grunting]

[dramatic musical flourish]

[together] "Cheese Palace's Cheese Chalice.

Complete the Goblet of Cheese Challenge."

What the fuck is a goblet of cheese?

Fuck around and find out.

[triumphant music plays]

Yo, this is delicious.

There's gotta be, like, ten different high-end cheeses

in this fondue.

That sound disgusting.

Yo, we should get on the giant teacups.

[Trish] A'ight, let me get my blind stick ready.

[Janelle] No, Ash, back me up here.

Well, I'm all about gaming the system.

If you can make life a little bit easier,

do that shit.

Period, my nigga.

Who does it hurt?

Well, can you just at least get rid of the cane?

Fine, Nelle, yes, I'll get rid of the cane

and just feel around, but, you know,

this is me and Jacque's tradition,

and I don't see nothing wrong with it.

- Damn, that's a good goblet. - [Earl] Mm-hmm.

Okay, y'all are really hyping it. Let me try it.

I'ma try it. Let's see.

'Cause it look disgusting.

Don't knock it till you... you know?

[slurping]

[cashier] Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

[slurps] Oh.

Oh, that shit good.

[Earl] Right. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

[Janelle] Oh, that's good, Earl. Mm-hmm.

[whimsical music plays]

[Dante yelling]

[both grunting]

[dramatic music plays]

♪ ♪

[crows]

[all crowing]

[parkgoers screaming]

[laughs] Hey, see, y'all?

That line was a 45-minute wait,

and we walked right in, okay?

You're welcome.

I don't know, y'all.

Like, I- I'm hella scared of haunted houses, okay?

I've been to prison. This for sure not scary.

Which door are we taking, y'all?

[Earl] Mm...

this one?

Okay, well, you know,

as long as we all stay together, you know?

Uh-huh. Yeah, girl. we right there.

[Janelle] Safety in numbers now.

[Trish] Mmm.

Let's hit the other one.

We gonna let them work that one out.

[chortles]

[Janelle] Ashley? Trish?

- [Earl gulping] - Shit. I think they got 'em.

See? Fuck, Earl!

This is... we are not supposed to get separated, okay?

And this is what we get for posing as fucking disabled.

Differently abled.

- [skeleton] Boo! - [screams] Oh, God!

[cackling]

- [Dante and Cuddie grunting] - [spatulas clanging]

[dramatic music plays]

♪ ♪

- [Cuddie] Ah! - [Dante] Ah!

[both grunting]

[screams]

[Cuddie] Whoa!

Why didn't you just go to Jacque's tonight, huh?

We could've came here another night.

Ugh, because her family has this Halloween party

every year, and she wanted to take Cuddie alone.

Oh, okay, so you just invited us

to make her jealous,

because y'all used to come here all the time?

That's cool. That's fine.

Ashley, yes.

And also, fuck Cuddie, because I am the one

who usually goes to those fucking family gatherings, yo.

Groundhog's Day. Veteran's Day.

We used to be getting hype for Cinco de Mayo,

'cause you know they basically some Mexicans.

Why don't you just tell her how you feel, okay?

Stop scheming, nigga, and just be honest.

[skeleton] Boo!

[both] Boo.

What was that?

[Guapdad] Oh.

How you ladies doing? Y'all like hip-hop?

- [Trish] Oh, shit! - [Ashley] Oh! No!

Blasphemy, nigga! In the name of mixtape!

That shit sucks. Go, go, go, go!

[Janelle] So you and June, huh?

- [roars] - [screams]

I mean, yeah, we were together at high school,

and then we reconnected, and yeah.

It's been really good.

[Janelle] I mean, we just didn't know

what the hell had happened to you,

and you cut us off like we didn't matter to you, so...

- [growls] - [screams]

All right, it's...

I just retreat to what I can control.

[soft music plays]

I'm sorry, though.

I'm not trying to hurt y'all or nothing.

I guess I'm sorry too. I...

Like, I didn't know, you know? So...

- I just...[chuckles] - [voice chortling distantly]

Fuck it. Like, I missed you.

[distant scream]

No, like, you're important to me.

You're important to me too.

[distant screaming continues]

Can we, like...

[Earl] Like, hug it out? Yeah, sure.

[both chuckle]

[zombie actor moaning]

[whispering] No, no, no, no, no.

[zombie groans]

I'm really glad you're okay.

Well, I'm getting there.

- [phone chimes] - Oh.

[distant prolonged scream]

Yo, who is Mustafa?

- [text whooshes] - It's my ex-husband.

What?

[Janelle] I never mentioned that?

[laughter]

- Oh! - Oh, God damn.

I hate fucking clowns.

Eh, no, you don't, 'cause you fucking with my brother.

[chuckles] You funny.

[both laugh]

[crazed laughter]

- [metal slams] - [both screaming]

- [clown cackling] - [screaming continues]

- [growls] - [both screaming]

- You! - Damn, nigga!

[Guapdad] Hey, yo, chill, chill.

Look, look, look, look, look.

My name Guapdad.

This my new mixtape, Scamboy Color.

Yeah. Look, you been dodging it.

Go ahead, take that, and it's all slaps.

I promise you I'm finna be

one of the biggest niggas of all time.

Like, hella big, at the Grammys,

15-foot-long do-rag dragging on these motherfuckers,

letting these bitches know I'm that nigga.

Uh, but why?

Are you making eye contact with me?

Girl, you're pretending to be a blind nun?

Ah, nigga, you got me.

Okay, I'm just trying to get to the front of the line.

Who does it hurt?

You, 'cause you don't even need to be blind to do that.

Why?

Neither of y'all got ADD?

Okay, okay, Janelle, here you go, bitch.

I've just been informed of some interesting news.

The boardwalk's website says, "Our disability program

"grants guests with qualified impairments

special access to our parks."

What are the impairments?

"ADHD, bipolar disorder, depression, anxiety,

and PTSD are all accommodated."

Bitch, we only need one person with disabilities,

and we have three.

Yes, yes, because I do... I do have ADHD.

Earl has PTSD.

You can't say that. I can say that.

You can't say that, though.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

[chuckles] Brother, you're triggered.

And Ashley... Ashley's depressed.

- I am not depressed. - I'm not triggered.

And I'm not depressed.

[Trish] Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.

Can we please, please cut in front

of some of these lines?

Or do you have any more objections, Janelle?

I was just speaking up for real disabled people.

- No. - [Trish and Ashley] No.

- [Earl] No. No, no, no, no, no. - Oh, ooh.

So now mental health isn't real?

- I never said that. - Damn, Nelle.

I ain't know you was gonna be a bigot for Halloween.

Whoa! Okay, y'all really reaching now, okay?

'Cause that's not what I meant. What- what I mean...

- what I was trying to say... - [stomach gurgling]

Aw, fuck. You know what? I'm not...

I'm not really thinking straight

'cause, you know, something for real is wrong

- with my stomach. - [stomach gurgles]

Earl, what the fuck is in this goblet of cheese?

Oh, in the cheese chalice? Cheese, nigga.

[chuckles]

I gots to go.

She trippin'.

This is literally the best drink food

I have ever had.

Move, bitch, get out the way! Shit!

Don't fucking judge me. Shit, I gotta go!

Hey! Hey, yo!

- Hey! Hey, come on! - [person retching]

Shit, I got the bubble guts!

Shit!

Fuck you, fucking piece of sh...

♪ ♪

[stomach gurgling]

- Who does it hurt? - [person] That's so wrong.

[dramatic fantasy music plays]

[both grunting]

- [Cuddie] Ahh! - Catch!

Aha!

- Oh! - [crowd] Ooh!

[wheezes]

[all] Bangarang, bangarang, bangarang!

- Do you yield, pirate? - Kill the pirate!

[all] Kill the pirate!

I'm not a pirate! I'm just a banker!

Kill the banker!

[all] Kill the banker!

Do you yield?

I...I...

Damn it, Dad, stop it!

I don't care about this stupid test, okay?

I get to choose who I'm with.

Babe, are you okay?

Babe, what hurts the most

is, you the best damn thing that ever happened to me.

And now... we'll never be together.

[speaking Tagalog]

[sighs]

Look. Look!

My daughter is a brilliant artist

and a successful businesswoman.

I just want to make sure whoever she's with is worthy.

And you clearly mean a lot to Jacque.

You know, she's never actually fought

for any other guy.

Plus you're a banker, and, uh, if you two

eventually have children, you'll raise the average height

of this family by at least two feet.

I'd say that's upward mobility in two ways.

You mean...

You're a Lost Boy, baby.

[triumphant music plays]

♪ ♪

[crows]

[all crowing]

I'm a Lost Boy! I'm a fucking Lost Boy!

[sobs]

[announcer] Attention, the park will be

closing in ten minutes.

- [squeals] - Trish, hold up!

Oh, uh, I'm sorry. Ha.

We're doing the last ride,

and uh, there's people ahead of you.

Oh, oh, oh, yo, it's cool

'cause we are differently disabled.

Oh.

I have ADHD, he got PTSD, she is...

- I'm a hypocrite. - [Trish] Mm-hmm.

And she's depressed.

Okay, yeah, I-I see it.

- [scoffs] - [attendant] Get on.

Oh, I'll take your-your bags.

Oh, all right, hang on.

[attendant] Appreciate it.

Oh, you're gonna have to rack your goblet, sir.

Oh. Okay. Oh, yeah. Right.

Rack it, Earl. Rack it. Let's go. Giant Dipper.

Fuck it. I'll just chug it.

Hey, bitch.

Hey.

Look where I am at.

Bitch, I am at the Giant Dipper.

Back on my Trish and Jacque blind trick.

[laughs] Throwback!

The old days.

Wait, we probably shouldn't do that anymore.

- It's kinda mean. - Huh.

Oh, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah. You right.

- [all singing "Dahil sa Iyo"] - Hey, check this out, girl.

[all singing in Tagalog]

[Jacque] We really missed you this year.

Hey!

They knighted me a Lost Boy!

[laughs]

Cool, dude.

[all singing in Tagalog]

- All right, bye, girl. - Bye.

Gotta go. Love you.

[all singing in Tagalog]

♪ ♪

Cuddied again.

I did it. I'm the King of Cheese.

[chuckles] Everyone, the King of Cheese!

[trumpet fanfare plays]

[announcer] Huzzah, huzzah!

The King of Cheese Chalice Cheese Challenge conquers all.

Huzzah, huzzah! Huzzah, huzzah!

Thank you. You may arise, all of you.

- Time for my ride. - [Janelle] Yes, come on, Earl.

- Shit. - [Earl] Thank you, my liege.

Your highness. Sit down.

- Ah, noble steed. - Here we go.

[triumphant music plays]

All right, y'all! Here we go!

- Whoo! - Oh, my God.

My heart is going crazy. Oh, shit!

Oh, shit! Ooh!

Hey, y'all, hey, I fucking love y'all.

I love y'all so much. Thank you for inviting me.

I love...

I forgot how much I love roller coasters.

I love roller coasters! Oh, my God.

- It's gonna be great. - Yes, it's gonna be awesome.

- It's gonna be great. - Here we go, shit!

Hey, I'm the King of Ch...

- I'm the King of Cheese! - Oh, shit!

[riders screaming]

["Dahil Sa Iyo" playing]

[singer singing in Tagalog]

♪ ♪

[Earl and Janelle continue whooping, laughing]

[singing in Tagalog continues]

♪ ♪

Let's go!

Oh, man!

This shit hella fun!

- Oh, my goodness. - Oh, my God.

Whew. Shit.

Oh, I'm glad I went to the bathroom

before we got on this shit, Earl.

Whew.

Father forgive me, for I have had fun.

[both laugh]

You really think I'm depressed?

[whispering] Girlfriend is trippin'.

Yeah.

[melody continues]

♪ ♪

[singing in Tagalog]

♪ ♪