Original subtitles

This programme contains strong language and adult humour

I can't come over here every day, and this is urgent.

You've got to bring down your spending dramatically.

Yeah. I just like nice stuff.

Like, I've got a visceral aversion to cheap shit.

You spent $36,500 on brunch.

You haven't had the brunch at Snap, have you?

You've spent close to $14,000 on crystals!

Over 12 months!

But you're making it sound bad

because you're adding it all together.

Like, when you grow up with no money,

and then you get a big chunk of money,

you've got to, like, spend the poverty out of your system.

Do you know what I mean? Like, to celebrate. The only way

to safeguard you from your own spending is to declare bankruptcy.

As in a public declaration?

So everyone would know?

Nah, man! That don't sound like a good idea.

What, I'm just going to put that out into the universe?

I don't know about the universe, Mia, but here in the USA,

you are in a lot of debt,

and your options are very limited.

So, would I just be bankrupt

here, in... in this country?

Yes.

Huh.

# I once had a life

# Or rather

# Life had me

# I was one among many

# Or at least, I seemed to be

# Well, I read an old quotation

# In a book just yesterday

# Said, "Gonna reap just what you sow

# "The debts you make, you have to pay"

# Can you get to that?

# Can you get? #

Yeah, Sebastian, could we get another bottle of champagne?

Thank you very much.

So, what do you want?

What do I want? I'm just trying to have a catch-up.

Oh, yeah? Yeah! See how you're doing,

see if you see any of the girls. Like, are any of them working?

God, no. No.

You know Sian? She's working in Marks & Spencer's now,

which is a right pain in my arse. It's the closest one to the office

and I can't bring myself to go in there now,

you know what I mean? To see her little face.

So, anyway, what about you? I came to that, er, gala of yours.

What was it, bulimia or something?

Bulimia. Yeah, yeah.

And then, boom, you were gone. Well...

..surprise, I'm back!

Yeah, man, I'm like, erm, open for bookings. Ha-ha!

THEY CHUCKLE

That's a joke, right?

Yeah, I don't know, is it? Erm...

Erm...

Oh, yeah?

OK.

Old friend of mine called yesterday...

Yeah? ..asking if I'd any girls available.

I suspect the money will be good

and, er, under the table,

thank you very much. She's, like, a power lesbian. You know?

Designer or lifestyle or something.

Loves her dogs. Oh. Yeah. Um, do you want me to, er, make some enquiries?

Yeah! Yeah? Yes.

Sweet. Right, I'll hit her up.

See what she says. In the meantime,

I am going for

some dessert, if you're interested!

Yeah, go on, then. Yeah?

I'll see you in a second.

Top-up? Yes, please.

Thank you.

I'll just get your bill, madam.

Aah!

How did you get to Budapest, Tom?

No, listen, Tom. Listen to me, listen!

Stop panicking. She has never

missed a day on a job. Hang...

Just hang on for one sec, Tom...

Here you are, there's Colombia's

finest there. I'll bell you later.

Good to see you.

..No, Tom, just get on a plane.

I don't care if she has to go via Melbourne, Australia.

And how was the meal, madam?

I trust it was all good? Well...

..I found a hair in my salad.

But the meal is finished.

Well, yeah, because I had to eat the meal to reveal the hair.

Sis, this is Afro hair.

Bruv, what's your point?

This is YOUR Afro hair.

Oh, my days!

Oh. Listen... Da-da-da!

All right,

I know this has absolutely nothing

to do with you. Yeah?

So you have that. No, there's no...

My brother. My brother! Take that.

That's you. Go on,

take it, take it, take it. I'm going to pay for the drinks,

but what I won't be doing is

paying for food that came with hair.

OK? You know why? Cos it's disgusting!

OK?

Obviously, not you, but...

Nasty!

Fuck off!

# Stepped out with my new swag on, I'm dripping

# If you wanna chill with a hot boy, come my way for a minute

# Come my way for a minute

# They won't see man slipping

# Or you might slip on a drip, man

# Tip up the sauce and spill it, tip up the sauce and spill it... #

Joey! Surprise!

I'm back! I'm just going to jump in a taxi over to your house.

I'm just finishing off a work thing.

My battery's about to die, though, right?

But I'll see you soon, you shlaaaag! PHONE ALERT

50 fucking pounds?

Fuck off!

SHE SIGHS

SHE SNIFFS

SHE COUGHS

She's back, she's back, she's back!

I'm still coming, I'm still coming. I'm taking ages.

Like, got a little bit sidetracked. London's proper big, innit?!

I forgot! It's, like, proper invigorating.

Everyone's so friendly.

Oh, I can't wait to see you. I'm so excited.

I told you I'm working tomorrow, innit? She's booked,

she's back and she's busy! Told you I'm doing a lifestyle shoot, innit?

Did I tell you I'm doing a lifestyle shoot?

Yeah, I'm doing some lifestyle shoot tomorrow. Put the kettle o...

Do you know what? Fuck that. Put the wine on, babes!

I can't wait to see ya! Mwah!

Babes, this is taking a little bit longer than I thought, actually.

Might have taken a bit of a detour.

DOG BARKS IN DISTANCE

WOMAN: Well, how many you got coming?

You don't even know, do you?

Look at the state of you! You could have worn something better.

Excuse me? For fuck's sake!

I thought you said it was only going to be just me!

You can't keep your fucking mouth shut about anything, can ya?

Sorry to interrupt, I seem to have got a bit lost.

My phone's run out of battery. I was wondering if

maybe I could use yours, or if I could charge my phone up in your car

for, like, five minutes? Android or iPhone, darling? It's iPhone.

You don't look like the Android type. Thank you.

Here, everything you need's in here.

Look, there's mints, water, and there's the cable. All right?

We like to keep the engine on. It keeps the bonnet warm for me.

Thank you. I really appreciate this. No problem, sweetheart.

Listen, you'd best be careful -

some fucking weirdos out there.

Come on, Barry.

Lovely.

PHONE BUZZES

Hello? Jo!

Mia.

I tried to call you back. Are you in the country?

Yes.

Listen, would you be able to come and pick me up?

I'm a bit stuck. You OK?

Kind of... Er, yeah. Just drop me a pin.

Oh, my God. Nice one!

Who was that? Just go back to sleep.

RECORDING: Welcome. This calming meditation will help you relax

at the end of your busy day.

That's it. Yeah, that's it.

That's it, that's it! Simply follow my voice to unwind and de-stress.

Try and take a moment.

Barry, are you watching?

MAN: She is, as well, look at that!

You'll hear the sounds of nature.

Aah. You've got quite big feet, haven't you?

In this very moment, what do you feel?

Find nature's rhythm.

CAR HORN TOOTS

That's it.

Hey!

What the fuck?! I'm off now. Ta-ta, darling. Barry, see you later!

Make sure you get home safe. BARRY: See you. Take care.

Am I happy to see you!

Thank fuck for pins. Ah!

So many questions right now!

Right? Like, I don't think a suede Ugg is a good dogging shoe.

Agreed. If you're going for multipurpose, then a Croc

is obviously the shoe to wear. Should probably kill the lights,

though, it might be a bit off-putting. It's dogging.

Us watching is the whole point.

Oh, that's it!

Oh. Oh, I'm exhausted! I really am.

Right, then, what, er... What hotel are you at?

Can I stay at yours? At mine?

How comes you're not in Soho? I just... thought...

..I could... stay at yours. Just hang out. Babes.

Cleo's at home, asleep.

Ah! The fiancee. Mm.

Well, I'm not trying to sleep with you guys in bed.

I could just, er... I'll sleep on the sofa.

Yeah, she's not really a morning person,

so it might be best for you to meet properly.

Unless it's an emergency?

No. Oh! It's not an emergency.

Yeah, man, listen, just... just drop me into town, then.

Mm-hm. Mm-hm.

BARRY: Yeah. Oh...

They're really going for it, innit? Yeah, man.

I hope she's got some Canesten. Right?!

Who is it?

It's Mia.

All right, Mum?

Am I dead? What... ? What's the occasion?

I got flown in for a job and I thought I'd come and say hello. Aw!

You going to let me in, then? Yeah, yeah, come in!

Where are they putting you up?

Nowhere. I thought I'd come and stay with you.

SHE CHUCKLES

That's a good one!

Cup of tea, yeah? Yeah, thanks.

I've only got normal milk. Is that all right? Yeah.

Who's that? Who?

That? Oh, that's Ella.

Ella? You remember Tracey downstairs?

What, Scaggy Squirrel? What's Scaggy Squirrel?

Scaggy Squirrel. You don't remember Scaggy Squirrel?

When a turf war nearly erupted

because she said the squirrel stole the stash from the bush!

But they did. Fuck off, Mum. Yeah. The squirrels went all didgy,

started attacking the kids,

and they had to call the council to tranquillize 'em.

Hmm. So that's her little girl?

Mm. Oh.

Tracey went Awol, as per, and then she just came to stay the night,

one night, when her electric ran out and, yeah, never left.

What, so she lives here? Yeah.

Where? Well, in your old room.

Ah.

Since when?

About a year, year and a half.

You never said.

You never called.

Right, do you know what? I'm going down the market.

Have you got a tenner?

I've only got a £20 note.

Oh, well, will you lend me £20?

Oh, come on, Mia.

What the fuck is wrong with you?

Thank you very much.

There you go.

All right. Er, yeah, so I'll be a couple of hours,

but if you leave before I get back, just turn the TV off

and make sure you slam... Slam the door hard, yeah. Yes.

Love you!

DOOR SLAMS

DOORBELL RINGS

Hello?

Hello, Jemima? Yeah?

It's Mia Sinclair, from Mills Models. Oh, come on up.

DOOR BUZZES

Hello!

Oh, Mia!

I'm so happy you could make it at such short notice.

Anything for Mills.

Wow! This place is lovely.

Are you familiar with Brixton? Yeah, yeah, I grew up here.

Oh, lucky you. It's so vibrant, isn't it?

Isn't it?

DOG BARKS

Oh, my darlings, hello!

Hello, girls.

So is it just us here, then?

Um, just us. OK.

So am I going to wear these clothes?

Well, it looks that way. Oh.

You are a dog person, Mia?

Sure. Well, get down here, then,

and let them say hello!

My babies, she just wants to say hello. All right.

Oh, hi. Look at her.

What's wrong? Oh, nothing. I'm just... I'm just not

really into, like, dogs licking my face, do you know what I mean? Oh!

Don't worry about that. These dogs are very, very clean.

Yeah? Have a sniff. Sniff their breath.

Have a good sniff, go on. Boy! Now, that is because...

Oh. ..they don't eat any animal products. Really? Yeah!

Oh, wow. It's their choice. I bet it is. Um... Oh, she loves you.

..I'm just going to make a quick phone call. OK.

One second. If you must. Yeah.

MESSAGE RECORDING: This is Mills, leave a message.

Mills, what kind of rasclaat modelling job is this, please?

Can you call me back?

Do you know what? I don't think I have, like, the full details.

Would you mind bringing me up to speed?

OK. Well, it's, er, three nights, four days, 500 cash.

Nights?

So sl... Sleeping here? Yeah.

In the spare room, with the dogs, while I'm away. Oh!

Dog sitting! Yes. In-house dog sitting?

Got it. Here? What were you thinking?

Pfff! Many things. Oh, my goodness!

Nice!

Oh, and finally,

I like to keep track of every stool.

So, before you bag up, I'll need you to send me a picture,

so that I can make sure that it's healthy.

You want me to send you pictures of dog do-do?

Exactly.

Come!

Come on!

SHE CHUCKLES

OK.

Bye. Yeah.

Bye. Have a good trip.

Bye-bye!

Ugh!

Ah.

Who's this friend?!

I don't think you know 'em.

What are you doing?

Laundry.

Isn't there a washing machine? Yeah. Yeah, there is,

but it's some futuristic shit. I've got no idea how to use it.

Why don't you just ask her?

She is properly highly strung.

Here, have a look.

Ugh! Uh-huh.

Why? Uh-huh. Why?!

Listen, she insists that I send her pictures every day

of her dogs' shit, to check that they're solid.

But they're on a plant-based diet, mate,

so they're never fucking solid. Hold on.

What... what colour is this friend?

She's white, why? Mia, you're back in Brixton

and you're picking up do-do for a white woman!

SHE LAUGHS

What is going on with you?

She's my friend, all right? And I don't see colour.

Why don't you just rent somewhere?

It's not like you don't have the money. Yes, I will, eventually.

But, like, I literally just got here. Fucking hell! All right.

I'm just saying. You're out here picking up do-do.

Is this... ?

Is this cold-press?

It's... It's giving concentrate, babes.

Uh-uh. No. What? I like it.

Well, you would.

DOG OWNER: Right, let's get this up. Oh, wait, wait, wait. Oh!

Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop! Sorry? DOG BARKS

Thank you. Nice one! Oh.

Yeah.

Right, come on, you two.

Hey.

DOG BARKS

Do you want to sit down?

No, thank you.

DOG BARKS

Erm...

Shall I walk with you, then?

No, thank you. So you like dogs?

Yeah.

Yeah. Don't love 'em, but...

But you like dogs?

Yeah.

Uh... Are you all right?

Don't let them lick your face!

Them dog nasty, you know.

They see how your face pretty. HE LAUGHS

Hey, wait.

Wait!

PHONE BUZZES

Shit!

Hey! Oh, my darlings!

Mama missed my girls! Yes,

I'm here now. I love you, yes.

Yeah! Are you back early?

Do you know what? It's hard to tell,

because I have made two new best friends.

Time has flown! Woof!

But, erm, yeah, I'm going to go pack, then. Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Don't worry. You're booked till tomorrow, so stay.

I've still got to go to the bank, anyway.

Yeah? All right, then, thanks.

So I thought that I would make, erm...

I've got Jerusalem artichokes,

and then broccoli, lentils. I've got some okra,

and then sort of, you know, whip up a jollof rice to go with.

How does that sound? Mm.

Yeah. Yeah? Yeah.

Good. Why don't you run a bath

and just relax? I mean, baby duty's over now, isn't it? Ha!

Thank you. Mm.

MUSIC IN BACKGROUND

Hello!

I just forgot my, er, bonnet. I'm just going to get it.

My-my thing... One... One minute.

Not today, sis. Not today.

I really do love that turban.

Thanks.

More wine?

How's the jollof?

Mm! Marvellous.

Now, that recipe was given to me when I went to Nigeria

by this lovely young woman called Adisa.

SHE CHUCKLES

She told me I was

the only foreigner she'd ever given it to.

You must have made quite an impression.

I'd like to think I did.

Erm, thank you. It's really... something.

I'm going to go to bed now. No, you're not!

No, I'm not? I know nothing about you,

and since you're still on the clock,

I insist that you tell me everything.

SHE CHUCKLES

Well, you can... Oh, OK.

And, you see, I...

I didn't even realise that there was such a thing as gymkhana.

You know, like, beyond the equestrian gymkhana.

Is it like a kink, or is it... ?

No-one's getting paid, it's just women pretending they're ponies?

No, they don't need the money! It's a bit of fun.

You know, to feel... feel liberated.

Liberated on all fours?

It's neighing.

Oh, God! It is truly one of the most freeing experiences of my life.

Oh! Posh people are mad, innit?

SHE LAUGHS

Now, tell me, what do you think that your pony name would be?

Ooh, ooh... Oh, come on, don't be embarrassed.

Come on! No, no, I've just... I'm trying to think, I'm thinking. Ah!

I'm Ginger Snaps. Is it? Yes. Yeah, no, that's... For reasons

that could be revealed.

I think that you... you look like a Buttercup.

No! You do, you look like a little Buttercup.

Oh! Sh, sh. Wait, hold... Wait, no, is that someone's phone? Is it?

Oh. Is it? It's my phone. ..Hello, phone.

Hi! Oh, my God! Everybody, in an accident?!

What?! Is everything OK? I don't know, actually.

Oh, Butter... All right, then. Shit!

Oh, you can... You can leave your stuff here, Mia.

No, you're all right. Thank you, though.

Apparently, it's a very long healing process

when your mouth's been wired shut. She's a very talkative person,

so I don't know how long it's going to take. Oh.

All right. Oh... OK.

One minute, what about your pay?

I'll get it off Mills!

OK, but... Bye!

Uh...

You trying to smoke tonight?

Does it look like I'm trying to smoke tonight?

Yeah.

# I gave you all I got to give

# Then I gave some more. #

All right, now, are you ready?

Yeah.

Is that it? What do you mean, is that it? Well...

Bergamot. Hmm? Rose.

Sage. The notes, Claire, the notes.

I can't see anything.

Because it's a feeling.

Well, I don't FEEL anything.

What if I told you it's £70 a bottle?

70 quid a bottle?!

Ah, you feel it now, innit? Oh, yeah.

Hey, erm, thanks for having me.

My options were here, with you,

or a night in a crack den. You wouldn't get much shut-eye there,

you know. They're proper chatty. THEY LAUGH

How are you finding being back, then?

Yeah, it's been interesting.

I was out walking some dogs and bumped into my dad today.

Did you? Mm.

How was that?

Yeah.

It was nice.

Go on, then, give us another little spritz. Hey!

Might have one myself. Why not?

SHE EXHALES LOUDLY

# Ow!

# I got soul!

# I got soul!

# You can't stand it when I talk

# I got to use what I got

# Get just what I want. #