Original subtitles

Okay. Oh, you know it.

- Okay. - Okay.

- There we go. - That's it.

- That's good. - Okay.

- Okay. - I'm okay.

Okay.

- Aah! - Shh.

Do you want me to put a pillow over your mouth?

You gonna, like, choke me or something?

- What? - Is it, like, a new sexy thing?

No, so Stella won't wake up.

Oh, no, I'm sorry. I'll just be quiet.

Okay. Okay.

Shh.

I'm sorry. I feel-

I'm having a hard time.

I'm... I'm a vocal lover.

Oh, what was that?

Nothing. -Just look like you might throw up.

- I'm fine. - You're sure?

No, no, no, I'm fine.

Is it me?

- Are you nauseated by me? - Come on.

Baby, you're my bear.

- You look awfully nauseous. - I'm fine.

Did you eat a crab salad again?

- You did, didn't you? - No.

Oh, no.

Okay. Okay. Okay.

That-that's fine.

Stop.

- Sorry, it's-- Sorry. - Just stop.

You're so sexy though.

- Thanks, baby. - You're sure you're okay?

Honey, I'm completely and totally...

Sorry.

Baby, I think I might be pregnant.

That's great!

Oh, sweetie, that's fantastic!

- Ugh. Sorry. - Ugh, yeah. Why don't we-

Is it weird that I came?

They're gonna to be here in five minutes.

- I got to poo! - You already pooed!

I need to poo twice sometimes! When I'm nervous, I poo twice!

Well, you're gonna have to poo later! -Fuck!

Fine!

Stella,

how do you keep finding Mommy's dildo?

- Fine. Just put it away, okay? - No.

When did she start saying "no" all the time?

- I don't know. - Hide your unmentionables.

Hide your bongs!

Okay.

- What's that smell? - It's bong water.

- Hi! - Hi!

Welcome home!

- Hi! Yeah, come in! - May we?

Come in. -If you decide to buy the house, uh, that is.

- Hello. - They might.

They like it.

Yes. Great.

- Well, yeah, so, uh... - Yeah.

Sorry. Yeah, sorry to...

I know it's annoying to keep on dropping in.

- No. Not annoying at all. - Not annoying at all.

What's-what's annoying about this? -Yeah.

Yeah, it's all good.

So, guys, uh, here's the thing.

We'll take it.

Oh! -Oh, that was...

- Totally... - All right, well, that was...

That was scary.

Well, we love suspense.

Oh, boy. Look.

Guess your daughter found your vibrator.

Stella!

She just keeps finding it.

I don't know what-what's going on.

- Stels, put that away. - Stels...!

- She just learned that word. - Don't even worry.

I think I have that same one at home, right?

But ours is in black.

Black cock.

- Yeah. Uh-huh. - Dude.

Well, maybe we should sign some stuff.

- Yes. - Why don't we?

That'd be... -I think we, uh, should do that.

- We sold our house! - We sold our house!

- We did it! We did it! - -Well, okay...

- Whoo, yeah! - No, don't get too psyched

'cause you haven't sold it yet.

You're in escrow.

What's that bullshit? Were you trying to fuck us over?

- The fuck you talking about? - What does that mean?

I asked you months ago if you understood

what escrow was, and you said yes.

- Just say it one more time. - Maybe just say it

- one more time. - Yeah.

So, you know, just refresh our, uh, memories.

Okay. Very simple.

Escrow is a 30-day period,

wherein the buyer of the new house

gets to do inspections and whatnot.

And assuming everything goes well

and nothing changes with the living situation

and, you know, spook them or something, you close, okay?

So, wait-- do we have escrows on the other house

we just bought in the suburbs?

No. You have no escrow on that house.

- Why the fuck not? - You do not remember?

Because that house had multiple offers,

and you screamed at me, "Do whatever you have to do

- to get that house." - Yeah, I remember that.

So I did it. So you have no escrow there.

And then I asked you three times,

"Do you understand what escrow is?"

And once again...

you just nodded.

Just like you are right now.

This is how the real estate crisis happened.

Buyers can pop by at any time, okay?

- Okay. - Okay.

So your 30 days "do not fuck up" clock starts now.

Look, can you just watch your language, please? -Yeah.

She's holding a dildo.

That's not a dildo.

That is a...

Toy.

From a cartoon.

- Japanese. - Mm-hmm.

Anime cartoon.

Well, I watch that cartoon every night.

Ah, Jesus Christ, man, we're getting old.

- Why do you say that? - Because our friends are dying.

No, they're... who's dying?

Remember Joe Waterston?

- Yeah. - Dead.

- Really? - Yeah.

Had this little weird mole on his shoulder.

He was driving to get it checked out, hit by a bus.

Dead.

Are you okay, man?

No, I'm not okay, man!

I'm freaking out about Paula having a baby.

I-I don't think I can do it.

Dude, you're gonna be a good parent.

- Don't worry. You're... - No, I'm not. I'm not.

I don't know anything.

Do you know you can't leave a baby alone?

Like, if you're at home and you want the baby to stay

while you go see a movie- unacceptable.

- That I do know. - You knew that?

I did know that.

How the fuck are you gonna have two?

I don't even understand how that physically works.

I'm actually not that worried.

I'm a good father to one daughter.

I think I'll be a good father to two daughters.

- Come on. - What?

You're not a good father.

Fuck you. I'm a good parent.

- Okay? Yeah. - Okay. Okay, okay, okay.

Well, tell yourself that, because before you know it,

Stella is gonna be a tween who hates you, and it's gonna be

your fault because you let her play with Kelly's dildo,

because you're a bad parent.

Me and Kelly are good parents.

Don't take your shit out on me, okay?

All I'm saying, thank God I'm having a boy.

'Cause girls are fucking hard.

What are you talking about?

Man, it's just, it's just easier with boys, you know?

Like, like, when a boy gets laid, it's awesome.

When a girl gets laid, it's bad.

That's not true.

You want your daughter to have sex?

You're gonna be like, "Hey, Jimmy, good news.

"Stella just got fucked.

Come on over, let's have some beers."

♪ We stay together forever

♪ No matter the weather

♪ Nothing can break these walls we built ♪

♪ On top of the world

♪ For life

♪ You can't hold us down

♪ 'Cause we want to fly

Yay!

Welcome to Phi Lambda.

Yay!

This is such an exciting year.

If you're lucky and you make the cut, you'll be joining

a sisterhood and making best friends for life.

Yay!

We're getting a hot tub.

Yay!

We have all brand-new feather duvets.

- Yay! - That's dope.

And we got a new chef, and we're going gluten-free.

Eh, uh, hi.

Uh, what are you doing?

I tot-- I totally should've offered it to you first, man.

I'm sorry. Like, pecking order, you know?

Who hits it first? No, you go for it.

No, we don't hit joints here, ever.

That's against the rules.

You're gonna have to take that out. Cup.

Cup.

Like, this is $12.

There's h-hash oil in the middle.

Cup.

Your parties must totally suck ass if you can't smoke weed.

- Am I right? - Oh, damn.

Oh, we don't throw parties here.

No sorority can.

According to the Greek Council, we can't.

Really?

No, this is an actual, real thing.

In the United States of America,

sororities are not allowed to throw parties in their houses.

Only frats can.

Google it.

Oh, my God, really?

You just don't party?

No, of course we party, stupid.

We just do it at frats.

Yes!

Phi Lambda!

Hey.

Oh, hi.

- Sorry if I interrupted. - Oh. No, I, uh...

I don't actually know anyone here, so I was just

rereading old texts, so I don't look like a loser.

So was I.

- No one was texting me. - Oh.

Are you, uh, are you rushing Phi Lambda?

Yes! Yes. I'm Beth.

I'm Shelby.

- This is exciting, right? - Yes.

Yeah, first frat party.

Yeah, totally.

Totally.

Ten in the bucket. Yeah.

Go. Hey, what's up?

- Ten in the bucket. - Okay.

- Here it is. - You're cool. Get in there.

- Uh, no way. - This is all of my money.

- No. No, no. We got a runner! - Thank you so much!

♪ Single ladies, I wanna see

- ♪ Your hands right now - ♪ Let me see you

♪ I wanna see you dance right now ♪

♪ Single ladies, I wanna see

♪ Your hands right now

♪ 'Cause it's a party in my pants right now ♪

♪ And you're invited, so don't be late... ♪

Oh, my God. I feel like this entire room is

just a giant arrow pointing upstairs so they can fuck us.

Oh, my God.

'Sup? You want to go upstairs?

Who are you asking?

I don't want to be rude, you know.

I really don't have a preference.

- No. - 'Scuse!

This isn't exactly what I expected, you know?

Yeah, you mean, this fucking sucks, right? -Yeah.

And does no one know that the same song keeps playing

- over and over again? - Oh, my God!

I noticed and it makes me want to blow my brains out.

- Hi, I'm Nora, by the way. - Yeah.

- Hi, I'm Nora. - Yeah, no.

- Let's get out of here! - Let's leave!

I am so happy I found you guys.

Yeah. -That was the most weird party ever.

I thought college parties were

supposed to be fun or something.

Yeah, I-I felt, like, unsafe.

It was super rapey in there.

If I'm being honest, I've never done drugs before,

but college is about new experiences,

and here I am, and I'm gonna do weed.

Okay.

Just, like, take a little bit.

Wow, that's a big hit. God.

- Oh, my God. - You okay?

Oh, my God, do you need some water? -Are you okay?

Oh, my God, I think she's gonna boot.

If she boots, I boot.

You're beautiful.

She's good.

I think this is my thing now.

I can't believe you never smoked in high school.

What'd you do in high school?

I didn't tell you guys.

Okay, um, I've been in a pretty intense relationship

since, like, third grade.

- My God, like Cory and Topanga? - Beautiful.

Stop!

- Yes, exactly. - That's such a good call.

I didn't- That's the cutest thing

I've ever heard in my literal life.

- Yeah, exactly like that. - That's cute.

Well, personally, I've made love to three men.

Mm-hmm.

Two were black, and one was Indian.

Um... I've done, like, everything but.

- But what? - Like, everything

you can do, but that one thing.

Oh, you've never eaten out a guy's ass before?

No, no,

no... I mean, I don't know.

High school kind of sucked, if we're being totally honest.

Yeah, my dad was super strict.

I had, like, really early curfews.

You know, when he dropped me off at college,

he gave me a rape whistle

and this huge speech on how to behave myself as a young woman.

Yeah, I mean, like, because of all that, I guess,

I didn't really have much of, like, a social life

when I was, when I was in high school.

Girl, you don't have to say it. We get it.

You had no friends.

Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock.

Hey! R.A.! Coming through!

What up, homies?

- Hi. Hi, Dustin. - Hi, Dustin.

Hey.

Kind of smells a little funky.

Hmm.

- Okay, are we done here, guys? - Uh...

First warning, just the first warning.

I'm kidding!

Oh, my... -You're adults. You're in college.

You scared the crap out of me.

Were you guys- were all of you smoking weed?

We smoked weed.

Goddamn it!

I fucking knew it!

You don't do drugs!

Do you?!

Okay, we're cool?

I'll see you fools later.

Hit me up if you need me.

Peace.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God!

I am so sick and tired of all these guys

coming into our lives and trying to tell us what to do!

We're not little girls anymore.

We are strong adult women.

Yeah, and sororities can't even throw their own parties.

And, what, we can't even enjoy the frat party?

We can't have fun in our dorm?

You know what we should do?

We should start our own sorority.

One that can party the way we want to. -Mm-hmm.

And, like, most importantly, we can make sisters for life.

- Yeah! - I want to be your sister.

- I want to be your sister! - Yeah. -Oh, my God.

Yay!

BFF! BFF! BFF! BFF! BFF!

Told you guys to shut the fuck up!

♪ Gotta cut loose, footloose... ♪

Poker night!

♪ Sunday shoes

♪ Please, Louise

♪ Pull me off of my knees

♪ Jack, get back...

Selfie stick!

♪ Everybody cut footloose!

Yeah, so I've, uh, been designing Outback Steakhouses.

Congrats.

Yeah, lots of, lots of Outbacks. -Sweet.

But, dude, tell me what's going on with your app.

Changing the world and shit.

You know, one dick at a time.

One dick at a time.

Seriously, that's a great idea, man.

- Thank you. - Like, an app that makes pics

of your dick bigger. That's...

I meant to tell you, I enjoyed your TED Talk.

Oh, thank you so much. Thanks for watching.

You're so successful.

Well, I mean, I'm still a cop,

you know, which is not that bad, not that bad.

I mean, you know, it's a lot of rules now.

We got to wear body cameras and all of that.

And I don't know why they gave me one.

It's not like I'm gonna shoot myself.

But, hey, I figured, look,

if you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

What you up to, man? How you doing?

Oh, yeah. That's real good.

Work's been, like,

a little bit of a bummer, you know.

They eliminated the shirtless models,

so now I have to walk around in this monkey suit. -Oh, no.

L-Looks like a really soft sweater.

Yeah, and then you know what else, too?

I'm the oldest person there now by, like, six years.

I had to cover for my boss, Mason,

because he had to go to his "prom."

Yeah. -When did everyone in retail get so young?

- Mm. - I just feel, like,

- really undervalued, you know? - Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, for real.

- At least I have you guys. - You do!

- I love you guys, man. - You do. You do.

- Fucking Delta Psi, man. - My man.

Once a week, once a week, every Monday. -Yeah.

- We gotcha. - So, uh... Darren.

- Mm-hmm? - How much you putting in?

I'm going...

all in.

- Ooh. - Big hand!

Man, what do you got, a full house?

Hopefully, one day.

♪ Well, you done done me

- ♪ And you bet I felt it - Oh, my God, our song.

♪ I tried to be chill, but you're so hot that I melted ♪

What's going on? -♪ I fell right through the cracks ♪

♪ Now I'm trying to get back

♪ Oh, I won't hesitate

- Oh, my God. Oh, my God. - ♪ No more

♪ No more

♪ It cannot wait

♪ I'm yours

- ♪ Do, do, do, do, do... - Oh, my God!

The Greeks believed we were each half of a whole.

Peter, you are the half that makes me whole.

This is happening! Oh, my God! This is happening!

Is this happening?! -Look, I don't know what the rules are.

I don't know who is supposed to, you know, propose to who.

- And you're not a ring guy. - Uh-uh.

- You don't have to wear it. - You know, no.

- That's okay. - Wear it for me.

Will you marry me, Peter McCallister?

Yes, you know I will! Yes!

Give-- Put it on. Put it...

Okay, one, two, three!

Yeah!

USA! USA! USA! USA!

Did he ever tell you about college?

College was crazy, man.

He used to just crush it.

- Slay tang. - Oh, wow!

- No. - He was-

Uh, you were out of your mind a little bit.

You know, I was figuring stuff out.

Yeah, figuring stuff out knee-deep in pussy.

- That didn't... - Oh!

I also used to-- I ate pussy.

Not as much as him.

Oh, hey, by the way, um, is it cool-

Could we, uh, could we talk about

the living situation real quick? Is that...

Dude, don't sweat that.

- You kidding? - Yeah?

Darren, you can move in any time.

Dude, he's basically here every night.

Thank you so much.

Yeah. -Right, okay.

Seriously though. Would it be cool

if Darren moved in,

and then you did-did not live-live here anymore or...?

What do you mean? Why?

I mean, we're-we're engaged, we're engaged.

What, like, what did, what did you think was gonna hap-happen?

That you two would move into your room

and that I, that I would live in my room.

For happily ever after.

We're thinking maybe, uh, 'cause Darren,

- Darren works from home... - Right.

...that maybe we-we would turn it into an office, um...

Mm.

And then, maybe one day, uh...

a-a baby's-baby's room?

We...

You know, babies are real small. -They are.

They're, like, tiny. They're the size of, like,

a, like, a little shoebox.

Huh. -Doesn't take up the whole room.

Think of a counterargument, but I...

Yeah.

Dude, I was just fucking joking.

You were fucking...

- Totally fucking with you. - Oh, my...

You know what? I need to go for a run.

You're gonna go right now for...

I'm happy for you guys. And I love you guys. -Yeah.

- Bring it in, man. - Yeah. Yeah. -Oh, yeah.

- Of course. - Oh, yeah.

- Love you, dude. - Love you, man.

Teddy, don't you want to grab your shoes, at least?

♪ All by myself

♪ Don't wanna...

And, look, ladies, the owner of this house

is super cool.

You know, he's-he's like me.

He's cool, he's dope.

You can do anything here.

- Uh-huh. - You can party,

you can stay up all night, p-play on your phones.

Snapchat that shit, I don't care.

And smoke weed.

The question is: can you afford it?

What's your name?

- Shelby. - Shelby.

Yeah. Look, I'm Team Shelby.

- Uh, what's your name? - Nora.

- Nora. I-I'm Team Nora. - Yeah.

What?

- Beth. - Okay, I'm good.

Look, girls, normally, it's $25,000 a month,

but I'm willing to offer it to you for $5,000.

Oh. Wow.

Can you afford five grand a month? -No.

Oh, I'm getting a call.

Hold on, please.

Did his phone ring?

I'm so sorry, I have to take this call.

It's another ragtag group of girls

trying to start their own sorority.

They're real alternative, real edgy.

What to do? I just... you know?

Guys, we gotta act fast.

- What are we gonna do? - I don't know.

We don't even have enough for, like, a month.

- Shit, what do we do? - -Not five.

I don't know. You're looking at me,

and I don't really know what to...

Whoa. Okay, guys, there is

a beautiful centaur sitting thoughtfully over there.

Who are you?

I'm Teddy Sanders.

I used to live here.

- Why are you limping? - You okay?

I just ran here, barefoot, really far.

Huh.

You guys are thinking about renting this place?

- Maybe. - What do you guys want

with such a big house?

We're starting our own sorority

outside the system that can totally do whatever it wants.

- Yeah. - Mm-hmm.

Like throw dope-ass parties and totally rage.

A sorority that can party?

Kappa Nu.

What's wrong with fraternity parties?

Okay, I mean, what isn't?

I mean, we threw great parties here.

Pimps and Hos, CEOs and Corporate Hos...

...Boise Boys and Ida-Hos.

They're, like, super sexist.

Every party is, like, themed ho.

I mean...

Oh, geez.

Oh, no. Oh, God!

Mm-hmm.

- Yeah, I see your point. - Yeah. -Yeah.

Honestly though, it's kind of a fuckin' moot point.

We got to figure out... something else.

We can't afford this place.

Well, how much money do you guys have

between the three of you?

Maybe a few thousand dollars.

That's, like, if you really pool it all together,

and that's for the entire school year.

So use that as a down payment,

throw a rush event, get a bunch of members.

They'll pay their dues, plus you'll have an army of people

to make money for you, and then pretty soon,

you're a full-fledged sorority.

Right? Do you guys have a rental agreement?

I don't understand one thing that you just said to us.

Last week, I was, like, sleeping in a bunk bed.

- Yeah. - I can't make an Eggo!

I can't make one.

- I don't know how. - We're 18.

Like, we-we know what we want to do.

We have no earthly idea how to accomplish it.

I ran Delta Psi for four years.

I could definitely help you.

Okay.

I mean, would that be, like...

of value to you?

- Yeah, that'd be, like, of... - Yes.

...tremendous value.

Really?

- We should, like, celebrate! - Yeah!

- Okay. -Sure. - Dude, who wants to take a rip

- on the zip? - Oh!

- Go for it! - Dude, check this out!

- Right now? - Okay.

I swear, we used to ride this baby tandem.

Check this out.

Delta Psi!

Dude, are you okay?!

I'm fine. Yeah, I'm good.

Legally, this is not my responsibility.

We'll take it.

Dope!

- Yeah, are you okay, dude? - Yeah, I'm totally fine.

I'm really hyped. I'm, like...

I think it's gonna be the perfect house for us.

- Yeah, I'm so excited. - It's gonna be good.

- I'll see you guys soon. - Thank you.

Thanks.

Is that Teddy Sanders?

- Oh, shit. Oh, no. - Who are they?

Go, go, go, go. Guys, go, go, go.

Go. Get out of here. I'll explain later, okay? -Bye.

- Mac! Kelly! Hey! - What?

- Yeah. - What's going on?

What's going on, man?

What are you guys doing here? How's the...

- Uh, you live here. - Yeah, of course. -Yeah.

- Who are they? - Yeah!

Oh, don't worry about them.

- Okay. - Um, anyways.

So I see you guys are moving?

Moving on up, yeah.

Well, heck.

You could have done that when I was living here. -Yeah.

That would have been nice.

Yeah, I know. Just weren't ready yet.

Yeah. -I have a criminal record now because of you guys.

Look out!

No, for real. Like, it's hard to get jobs. -Whoa.

- That makes sense. - So it's been really tough.

So what are you doing here, buddy?

Yeah, what brings you to the hood?

Oh, you guys will find out soon enough.

- What does that mean? -Huh? - Don't worry about it.

It's cool.

It's good to see you guys.

Kind of miss you.

See you soon.

All right. See ya.

That was weird.

Yo. You want to rush the coolest sorority ever?

This is the one.

Kappa Nu welcomes you.

♪ They can't hold us underground ♪

♪ We stay out all night, mistakes made for life ♪

♪ It's all right, the wild ones never die ♪

♪ Just for tonight

♪ We are the wild ones

♪ Let's make it last until the end comes ♪

♪ We are forever the wild ones. ♪

What the hell?

Whoa.

There's people there.

Somebody move in?

Excuse me, ladies. Excuse me.

- Hi. - Hi.

- Wow. - What the fucking fuck?

- What's happening here? - What's happening?

"Kappa Nu wants you."

- What the fu-- Hi! - Hi.

- Hi, we're your neighbors. - Hello!

- Oh, hi. -Hi. - Mac and Kelly.

- Hi, I'm Kelly. - Uh, are your, uh,

your parents around or something like that?

Oh, no. No, no, no. Uh, meet the girls of Kappa Nu.

Well, what's that, then?

Oh, it's our, it's our sorority.

Hi, neighbors.

Do you want a-a beer or, like, a mocktail?

Like a mommy mocktail? Congratulations.

Oh, sure, I'll take a mocktail.

Get this woman a mocktail.

Great.

Thank you. Yeah.

- Great. - Thank you.

Thanks a lot.

- : What the fuck? - What are we gonna do?!

I don't fucking know! I don't fucking know!

Huh? -The buyers are not gonna want to live next to a house

with a fucking sorority in it.

Is now a good time to freak out?

- No, no, no, no, no, no, no. - Should I freak out?

- No, no. No, no, no. - Should I start screaming?

Okay, look.

We've just got to convince them to chill right now.

We just need them to behave themselves. -Okay, look.

We just ask them not to party while we're escrow.

- We'll be fine. - As soon as we're not escrow,

- go fucking ape-shit. - It'll be fine. Be fine.

- Hey, guys. What's up? - Hey.

Um, can we have a quick chat with you guys for a second?

We kind of had a question for you guys.

You see, we live next door, we just sold our house,

and we're escrowing for the next 30 days.

And, basically, if anything happens

that spooks those buyers, they'll pull out of the deal,

and we'll own two homes and be fucked.

- So... - So it'd just be great

if you could, kind of, be mellow and low-key

and just basically not-not party for 30 days.

- And that's it. - Then we'll be gone.

We'll be out of your hair. Yeah. -You go crazy. Yeah.

Um...

well, here's-here's the thing.

A really big part of us creating this sorority

is because fraternities are allowed to party

and sororities are not allowed to party.

- Really? - What?

Yeah, so partying is, like, a really big deal for us.

And you guys have a daughter.

I'm sure you'd want her to have equal rights as guys.

As a man, I could not agree with you more

and could not support your cause more.

Uh, I think my wife has some thoughts though, um,

on maybe why you guys could approach this differently.

- Kelly. - What?

Take it.

Ladies, we can come to some sort of

compromise here, can't we?

- I mean, I'm sure maybe... - No means no!

'Sup, neighbors?

Teddy?

Welcome to soon enough.

What? Wh-What does that mean?

You don't remember when I told you

that you'd find out soon enough?

I think a lot of this is going on in your head.

I'm mentoring this sorority.

- Why?! What?! - That's a thing?!

Yes, it's a thing.

- Why are you doing that? - I-I don't know.

Why-why do butterflies fly?

To drink nectar.

Well, I-I don't know why things do what they do,

but what I do is facilitate the act of partying in this house.

What?

So let's rage!

Missed you guys.

These are the rules for a successful sorority.

Rule number one: Use these money buckets

to keep track of your cash.

Five buckets a month equals house rent.

Rule number two: Keep getting pledges,

and you can dress them up like idiots.

Minions! Minions!

They got a hilarious army of fuckin' Minions.

I love Minions and now I have to hate them!

They're making me hate something I love!

Rule number three: Throw the type of parties

that show what you guys are all about.

Hillary Clinton!

Joan of Arc orders you to pass the joint!

First Lady Hillary Clinton?

Or Senator Hillary Clinton?

Or future President Hillary Clinton?

Oprah, we're out of beer!

Everybody look under their chairs.

You're all getting beer!

- You get a beer! You get a beer!

You get a beer! You get a beer! You get a beer! You get a beer!

I love you, Oprah.

Can we please be quiet?

- Shut up! Shut up! - Shut up.

I cannot tell you how thankful I am for our little infinity.

I love you so much.

I love you.

It's not fair.

They're too young!

♪ Hava nagila

♪ Hava nagila ve-nismeha...

Why don't you shut up!

- Just stop it! - Stop it! Shut up!

♪ Everybody say, "Hey, we want some pussy" ♪

♪ I said a, "Hey, we want some pussy" ♪

♪ Everybody say, "Hey, we want some pussy..." ♪

- Please! We're begging you! - Please!

All right, listen.

I cannot shut down a sorority

that's trying to become independent.

Why not?

Okay. It's a PR nightmare.

- All right? - What's the nightmare?

Uh, for example,

"Sexist female dean shuts down sorority."

That is reverse sexism,

which is, in and of itself, a sexist thing to do.

There's no such thing as reverse sexism, Mr. White Man.

- Oh. Okay. Hey. - Hey.

Don't talk to me like that, 'cause I am Jewish. -Yeah.

I am a minority.

Well, uh, less of you.

You know, like Labradoodles.

- Okay. - Look, look.

If they get three strikes, they have to shut down, right?

As far as I'm concerned, they have infinite strikes.

I see we're playing outside the rules of the system...

Mm-hmm.

...so why don't we, uh, go to plan B?

Here's a little something to... -Yeah?

...change your mind.

We have a deal, Chancellor?

No.

You know what, fuck you!

- Unleash the hounds, sweetie. - Yeah.

That's what, that's how you talk

in front of your daughter?

Oh, I think we know how to be parents.

She's a baby. A, she doesn't retain any of that shit.

Well, yes, she will.

No, she doesn't. Watch.

Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

Fuck.

What's she watching on her iPad, Goodfellas?

Ha-ha-ha, joke's on you.

I don't know what she's watching on that iPad.

What are we gonna do?

We have an inspection soon.

The buyers could literally drive by at any moment and say,

"Oh, well, the house has a few leaks,

"and there's 20 fucking psychopathic teenagers

living next door."

We're gonna have two houses.

And then we'll have no houses!

And then we're screwed.

We're totally screwed.

- Hi, sweetie. Hi, baby. - Hi.

We just got to get rid of them.

I mean, I couldn't talk to those girls.

No. We had middle ground with the guys.

- We could talk to the guys. - Yes.

They look at us like it was like

their grandparents walked into that house.

- Yeah. Abso... - Right? Yeah.

Stella is not gonna turn out like that.

- No. - No.

She'll be our best friend forever.

- Yeah. - She loves talking to us.

- We're a team. - Yeah.

Right, Stella?

- Come over here, Stella. - Come here.

Honey, want to come over here?

What the fuck?

What the fuck is wrong with her?

Play with your toy, sweetie.

Play with your toy.

Just keep playing with your toy.

Give him a kiss.

You know who kids listen to?

- Their parents. - Celebrities. Their parents.

What's u-- Hey, Dad.

You started a sorority?

You're supposed to be living in the dorm,

not in some old dilapidated mansion.

This is what you want?

You want to live like some sort of a drifter murderer?

I can do whatever I want here, Dad!

That's the point of college. I'm my own parent.

When did you start talking like Eminem?

I'm gonna talk like this, I'm gonna talk like that.

This is ridiculous!

Look at that pizza! How old is that?

Th-The cheese is moldy on that!

Cheese is mold!

I can eat it whenever I want it!

God, have you inherited my stupid gene?

Look at you.

So you get to be just as dumb as boys now?

Is that what you learned here?

You are going back to the dorm! -No!

This is where I chose to live!

It is only Kappa Nu!

Looks like my little girl's growing up.

Thanks, Dad.

I can buy your-your girlfriends and you

some brunch if you want.

I kinda need some new jeans.

Oh, we can go shopping, then.

Yeah, cool.

- How did it go? - Yeah, they gonna be cool?

Did you, did you punish them or whatever?

Look, I tried my best, but there's nothing I can do.

- What do you mean? - What?

Ah, you'll know.

Look, when they're two years old,

you can get them to do almost anything you want.

- Yeah. - Get a little bit older,

and it's harder to control them.

I do not understand a word she says.

But it was, it was good to see her.

House is so quiet without her.

Oh...

I'm fine.

Gosh.

Beautiful child.

Yeah.

Can I hold her?

- No. No, no, no, no, no. - No, no, no.

- That's okay. That's great. - No, thanks.

Is that a dildo dressed as a princess?

Nope. That is a popular

children's cartoon character of today. -Mm.

Thank you for trying.

- Hey, meanies. - Hi.

You called my parents?

- Yes! We did call your parents. - Yes!

We did-- We actually did.

Oh, really?

- It's 30 days! It's 30 days! - It's just 30 days!

Then we won't be escrow!

Then we'll be out of your hair!

It's 30 fucking days!

It's all we're asking for.

It's on.

- No. - No.

- No, no, no. - No. Nothing's on.

- Why would it be on? -No. - No, it's on.

- But we're turning it off. - Well, if we turned it on,

we can turn it off. Can we just turn it off?

It's on.

♪ I won't grow up...

Hey, Mac!

♪ I just wanna be wild and young... ♪

Great.

I see more of you have moved in.

Yeah.

This is private property. You're trespassing.

I want to see your private property.

Hey, Mac.

Looks like Beth needs some suntan lotion on her.

- Uh-huh. - I think she's okay.

- Leave me alone. No! - No. You're not going.

Where am I?!

Oh, no.

I killed a girl!

I'm on painkillers, motherfucker!

Kappa Nu!

What the fuck is wrong with you?!

Where are you going?

Get away! Go away!

Get out of here, you animals!

This isn't working!

You're only making them sexier!

I don't like it! I don't like it!

- What the hell was that? - A bird?

♪ I own it, I own it

♪ I am a little less emotional... ♪

What the hell is that?

- Oh, no! - God! Tampons! Oh!

That's filthy!

Stop it, you animals!

Get off! Stop it!

Oh, my God! Mac!

The other window is open!

♪ Wild and wild and young.

Bull's-eye!

That was really funny.

Where'd you guys get so much fake blood?

Oh, from our vaginas.

- That was real? - Yeah, it was,

it was our, like, uterine wall sloughing off.

You just threw-

That was r-really gross.

- Like, that's... - Ugh.

Why'd you do that?

That was, like, way over the line. -What?

Whoa. That's, like, that's, like, super sexist. -Hey.

It was really fucking funny.

You would've been like, "Ah-ha-ha, it's so funny,"

if it was, like, a bag of dicks.

"Look, it's a bag of dicks on the window."

No, that...

A bag of dicks.

Uh, yeah, you got me.

That's funny.

A bag of dicks.

Here's the deal.

First inspection, tomorrow.

- We need help. We-we... - We have to get rid of

the girls tomorrow from the house

- between 10:00 and 5:00. - Exactly.

If our home owners see these girls,

our escrowment's gonna end.

And these girls are fucked, man.

They're, like, from another fucking planet.

Yeah, they're worse than the guys.

- Come on. - Look, okay. Brainstorming sesh

- starting now. - Let's brainstorm.

Guys, a play on a classic.

We "hos before bros" them.

No, no, no, no.

- No. That's not gonna work. - Why?

Because you put hos before bros. Always. -Yeah.

It worked with the guys.

Why won't it work with the girls?

Because girls are much smarter than guys.

That is sexist!

- That's not sexist. - What is it?

Not when it's against guys.

- That's not sexist. - Yeah.

I don't even know what's sexist. -Huh?

Yeah. Hey, men's rights.

- No. Fuck you. - Are you okay?

Why are you itching? What's wrong with you?

Did you get poison oak or something?

Here's the deal.

We got bedbugs.

- Oh! No! - Oh!

Gross! -Hey, man, I'm sorry. I come to this restaurant.

I don't want to be embarrassed.

- Oh, that's even worse! - Don't embarrass us.

- It's gross. - That's...

Hey, it's fine, okay?

We're dealing with the problem.

We tented our house.

We have to be out for three days.

Aw, this is such a good idea.

These clothes have so many bedbugs. -MAC: Just shut up!

We just got to infest them fast!

Here's some more pledges.

- They're bedbugs! - Boom!

These are my best pants.

I don't care about your fucking pants.

All I care about is bedbugs. Get it in. Hurry.

Oh, it's so hot in here. Can't see in this fucking thing.

Oh, that sheet has so many bedbugs. -Oh, I feel them!

I can feel them! Ah, get it off!

- Oh, my God! - Get it off!

Hello, hello.

We're entering.

Put on your clothes.

- Hi. - There you are.

- Welcome! - Hello.

Great. Hey, good to see you guys. -Yeah.

- Cool. Welcome back. - Place looks great.

- Yes. - I brought, uh,

brought my boyfriend by. Just kidding.

It's the mold inspector, the old mold king.

You don't think there's actually mold here, do you?

You know, we kind of, uh, s-smelled

a little something weird when we were here before.

- Yeah. - Just wanted to double-check.

- Why not, right? - Yeah, yeah.

- Great. - Cool.

Yeah, it's why we're here.

What's going on over there, by the way?

Uh, new tenants?

Yes, a new family moved in next door,

and they're just doing a little fumigating.

Very nice, quiet, lovely family.

Family, huh?

Well, must be, must be pretty big.

That place is huge, like, eight bedrooms.

- It is. - It is.

Well, this is a very religious family.

They're Jewish, and they're lovely.

- Yeah, why did you just do...? - Anyway, they're lovely!

I think there they are now, actually!

- Look. - Oh!

- It's our Jewish neighbors. - Hello.

Proof they actually exist.

- That's funny. - And she's pregnant.

Got another little Jew in the oven.

Why don't we start the mold inspection. -Yeah.

- Come into your house. - Come on in.

Come into your home. -Why don't we start in your kitchen.

Yes.

- This place is weird. - Yeah.

- Oh! - Ay! Oh!

Uh, Teddy, where, uh, where you gonna be staying?

Uh, right now?

Helping a bunch of girls build a sorority.

They're moving into our old house,

so probably just move in with them.

It's a big step forward for me.

- Okay. - Yeah.

That's, uh, that's super weird.

It's actually not weird. It's actually super normal.

Hey, whatever makes you happy, right?

Yo, Darren, can you back the fuck off, man?!

Whoa, whoa, Teddy. Whoa, relax.

I finally found somewhere that I'm, that I'm good at,

where I'm valued.

You want to criticize that?!

Okay, wh-what I was saying is

that it's just a little weird for, like, a grown man

to be helping a bunch of girls make a sorority.

Doesn't that sound crazy to you?

No, did you know that sororities

don't have the right to party?

You know, there's no legal right to party.

Yes, there is a legal right to par-- What do you-- Garf.

- Back me up, Garf. - Man, just leave me out of it.

Okay, look, I-I'm your best friend.

- I'm just trying to be honest. - Oh, yeah?

Well, took you long enough.

What's that supposed to mean?

You didn't tell me your biggest secret

through all of college, man!

Where-where is this even coming from right now?!

You told Garf first!

Yeah, he was bi-curious most of sophomore year!

He was the logical person to tell!

Sometimes you got to suck a dick

to realize you don't like sucking dick.

You're-you're just mad because you're fucking lost, okay?

Th-The rest of us, we've moved forward.

Okay, G-Garf's a cop, Scoonie's got his own business,

I'm getting married, and...

you're moving into a fuckin' sorority.

You know what? Those sisters are better brothers to me

than you ever were.

You're not my brother.

Don't-don't say shit you can't take back.

Bros before hos.

Don't call them hos.

That's not cool anymore.

All right, ladies, we gotta talk finances.

Okay? It's really serious. The fumigation took

so much of our money that we're down to two money buckets

and I don't know what we're gonna do about it.

Okay. What if we use our Minions to make us money?

Oh, no. Their-their plates are full cleaning the house.

Maranda.

Doesn't your brother sell weed on some farm

- outside of town? - Yeah.

I did say that.

My brother Daffodil.

Why don't we spend all of our bucket money

on Daffodil's weed and sell it at the tailgate this weekend?

- Holy shit! - Fuck, yeah!

We can make it rain on them hos! -

I love that idea! We can make T-shirts

with glitter glue-- Kappa Nu!

- It's not-not a good idea. - I like it.

It won't make enough money.

- Excuse me? - Everyone at the tailgate's

gonna be selling weed.

I got it.

We're gonna corner the market on weed

by ratting out every other drug dealer in town.

That way, Kappa Nu

is the only group selling weed at the tailgate.

- Fuck, yeah! - Holy shit! -Fuck, yes!

F you guys!

- That shit's brilliant! - Really good.

Guys, guys... guys, this is, like, really risky.

- ♪ We gonna sell - Weed!

- ♪ We gonna smoke - Weed...!

- ♪ What we gonna sell? - Weed!

- ♪ What we gonna sell? - Weed...!

Goddamn it! Goddamn it!

Goddamn it!

You're acting like children.

You need to listen to me.

I've been down this road.

I know what I'm doing, and I have some wisdom,

and I feel like I'm protecting you guys.

I mean, there's a lot of ways to make money, you know?

Honest money. I don't know what

you'd do if you can't pay rent.

You're gonna lose the house.

Sell all of your old stuff on eBay.

When Delta Psi got into financial trouble,

we made latex mold of our penises

into dildos and sold those.

Take a metal detector down to the beach.

You'd be surprised what people are finding down there.

You know, like, all kinds of stuff.

Uh, uh, doubloon.

- Am I right? - Teddy, we just voted,

and we decided it's best for you if you go.

When?

Just now.

With our phones.

What? No. No.

No, you can't do this to me.

I thought we were sisters.

We were supposed to be a team.

Why is this happening? You can't do this to me.

- I d... - I quit my job!

Well, we didn't tell you to do that.

I liquidated my 401 for this!

What's a 401?

- I don't know, now! - Look, I'm so happy

that you helped us get to this place that we're in.

You really let us spread our wings and fly as women.

This is all I have!

I thought we were in this together!

You're not like us, dude.

You're... you're an old person.

No, no, you're right.

I've been playing for the wrong team.

I'll be seeing you around.

Okay.

I wasn't, like...

too harsh on him, was I?

- No. - No. No, you were fine.

You were great.

You were good.

- It's fine. - Well,

now that Daddy is gone...

time to get feisty.

Hello?

911? I need to report three different addresses

that are currently selling marijuana.

Yes, ganja.

- Get on the fucking ground! - Put it down!

Get on the fucking ground! -Put it down.

Put it in your mouth. Put it in your mouth. -Don't move.

Yeah, you like it, don't you?

Watkins, wh-what are you doing, man?

- This is your training day! - What's tr...

- what's training? - This is your training day!

Get down!

What the f... What the fuck?

Ah, yeah! You're not in the academy anymore, Private!

Get...

- Oh. S-Sor... - Oh!

You guys got to come to the precinct with us. It's just...

- It's not us. - You ride in the car, we got

bottled water, we'll stop at P.F. Chang's,

Chipotle, whatever you need.

Passing that mold inspection was a miracle.

Praise be.

- Yeah, no shit. - If they drive past here

and they see the girls, it's over.

The worst part of this whole fucking thing,

I'm so stressed out, all I want to do is chill out

and smoke a joint, and my dealer doesn't have any weed!

- He's fucking dry! - Good luck finding any.

- Whoa! - Jesus Christ, man!

- What are you doing here? - How the fuck

did you get in here?

None of that matters right now.

I want to help you guys stop that sorority

before it gets too late.

Really?

That's right.

I'm switching sides.

- Nice! That's awesome! Cool! - Yes! Yes!

FYI, Kelly, I'm still down.

Stop it.

Okay, I know you're not gonna fuck.

- It still hurts my feelings. - Shh. It's just...

He's just having a joke.

Kappa Nu has cornered the market on weed.

- Oh, no. -Oh, God. - Oh, yes.

Until Monday, they are the only purveyors of weed

in the greater Ardendale area.

- Holy shit. - Oh, my God!

Do you think they'll sell me some? -No.

Fuck! -They have seven pounds of weed.

They could sell it for $50 a gram if they want to.

That's over a thousand dollars an ounce,

$16,000 a pound- all said and done,

if they move it all, that's over $112,000.

- Dude. - We should do this.

You're incredible at math.

No, I suck at math; I'm good at weed.

It's the same thing.

No. This is weed.

Just pretend it's seven pounds of meat, just try it.

Why would I even be buying meat?

I don't know. You're hungry.

I mean, are you talking, like, burgers?

Steaks.

How much does a gram of steak go for?

I don't know. Why would I be selling grams of steak?

Fair enough.

Their plan is to sell the weed at the tailgate.

And believe me, that's enough for them

to stay in the house through your escrow.

- God. - What do we do?

If we steal their weed, they won't be able to pay the rent.

All of the members that they've recruited

will have to rush other sororities,

and that will be that.

- What's in this for you, bro? - Yeah.

Honestly... I just want to be valued.

Well, it begs the question, how the fuck

are we supposed to beat them? There's 15 of them! -Yeah.

No. They have 15 individuals.

They're not a cohesive unit.

They don't understand the most important rule of sisterhood.

There's no "I" in sorority.

Yeah, there is. There's two, actually.

Actually, there's just one.

No. That's a Y.

- No, in the middle. - That's an O.

Two I's... straddling the Y.

S-O-R-R-I-A-Y-O-R-I-T-Y.

What?

There's a "U" in there that you guys are all missing.

S-O-R-R-I-R-O-I-T...

I-T-Y.

- Sorriroi-tity? - That's how you spell it.

You think the "tity" is silent?

Look, we're all getting sidetracked right now.

Guys, bottom line is we need

to figure out a way to infiltrate that tailgate.

Tailgate?

- Tailgate. - Tailgate.

Tailgate.

Tailgate! Tailgate!

- Phi Lambda! - ♪ For my theme song

♪ My leather black jeans on

♪ My by any means on

♪ Pardon, I'm getting my scream on ♪

♪ Enter the kingdom

♪ But watch who you bring home ♪

♪ They see a black man with a white woman ♪

♪ At the top floor, they gonna come to kill King Kong ♪

♪ So follow me up 'cause this shit about to go down ♪

♪ I'm doing 500, I'm outta control now ♪

♪ But there's nowhere to go now ♪

♪ And there's no way to slow down ♪

♪ If I knew what I knew in the past ♪

♪ I would've been blacked out on your ass. ♪

- High pie! - Bring your friends!

- High pie... - Yes, you! Come on!

- Pot pie! - Weed for women!

It's only 20 bucks!

- Kappa Nu weed! Charity weed! - Come on! Pot pie!

- Whoo! - It's just $20 a slice!

Come on! -Come get your pie! Pot pie, guys! Whoo!

Pot pie!

First off, you look fucking horrifying.

What? It's a clown, man. People love clowns.

Jesus fucking Christ!

- Stop doing that. - Just stop that shit, man.

Don't do that again, okay? I will give birth. -Guys, listen,

here's the plan:

I'm gonna get up on stage and I'm gonna dance,

distracting the girls just long enough for Mac

to run around and steal the weed.

Kelly, Paula,

I need you both to drive getaway. I can't have you

running around here, 'cause you're pregnant.

Wait-wait-wait-wait.

Just you dancing is enough to distract the entire sorority?

I don't know about that.

- That'll work. - Yeah. That'll work.

- It'll work. - It usually works.

I don't even know where we are right now. -Yeah.

- Okay. - Okay?

- I'm ready. - All right, let me...

What's wrong?

Aw, shit! Fuck!

Goddamn it!

No! I don't have the baby oil.

- What's the big deal? - You'll be okay.

No! It's the most important thing.

With baby oil, you get, like, two extra lines here.

- Really? - Yes.

- Hold on, hold on, hold on! - Goddamn it!

All right, let's go.

Oh! That's hot!

Oh, that's really hot!

Ow! It burns!

Ooh! Rub that shit in.

All right, rub it in.

- Rub it in. - Geez.

- Whoo! Oh, my God. - God bless you. -Kelly.

- Get it all over. -What? - What the fuck are you doing?

- We're in a rush, Mac. - Come on, Mac, get his thighs.

Okay.

Yo, what's up? Clear the stage,

clear the stage!

- Hey! - I got something to say.

This song right here goes out to my girls in Kappa Nu.

I know we've been going through

- some rough times lately... - Holy...

...but I love you.

Deejay, let's shake that booty.

You got this, right, Beth?

Yes, I got this. I'm right here. -Really? Good.

♪ Bend and make your booty loose, that booty loose ♪

♪ Bend and make your booty loose ♪

♪ That booty loose

♪ Get loose with it, get loose with it, get loose with it ♪

Mm.

♪ Loo-loo-loo-loo, loo-loo-loo... ♪

♪ Bend and make your booty loose ♪

♪ Show me what this booty do

♪ Show me what this booty do

Oh, no! No!

♪ Ge-ge-ge-get it...

♪ G-G-Get loose with it

♪ G-Get loose with it, g-get loose with it ♪

♪ G-Get, g-get loose-loose with it, with it... ♪

Oh, no! He showed dick!

Oh, no!

- The weed! - Oh, shit!

It's all gone! It's all gone!

Oh, my God, it's all gone!

- What? What? - It's all gone!

Chester the fucking Cheetah

- took our weed! - Get the fucking bag of weed!

Get the weed!

God, I hate clowns!

Get out of the way!

Get another exit! Find the exit!

I'm blocked! I'll get another car!

- Just go! Go! - Oh, no!

Hey!

Douche!

Move! Move! Move!

Oh, fuck!

Get out of the way!

I got your weed!

Move!

Which one is it? Where's the weed?

Come on!

Give me the weed! Give me the fucking weed!

Who's laughing now, clown?

- Who's laughing now? - Ow! Oh! Stop! Ow!

It's garbage! It's not weed!

The weed! The weed!

The clown tricked us!

Oh, shit!

Okay, wait.

Mac...

you can do this.

Four twenty!

Oh, fuck!

♪ I... can't stand it

♪ I know you planned it

♪ I'm-a set it straight, this Watergate ♪

♪ I can't stand rockin' when I'm in here ♪

♪ 'Cause your crystal ball ain't so crystal clear... ♪

- On your right! - Take it!

I'm All-State track and field, bitch!

♪ It's sabotage

♪ So, so, so...

♪ So listen up, 'cause you can't say nothin' ♪

♪ You'll shut me down with a push of your button ♪

♪ But yo, I'm out and I'm gone ♪

♪ I'll tell you now, I keep it on and on ♪

Come on!

Come on!

Hurry up!

♪ You might not get

♪ And we can bet so you don't get souped yet... ♪

Oh, shit!

Here she comes!

- Free weed! Take it! - Free weed! Weed for everyone!

- Free weed! - Free weed!

- Weed forever! - Weed for the people!

- : Free weed! - Free weed!

That's all our weed!

How are we gonna pay rent?

You're really turning me on with your muscles right now.

Two pounds coming!

You look in pa... Are you pain?

They're just a lit... they're a little heavy. -Yeah, yeah.

I love you...

Oh, shit!

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah!

Aah!

Oh, fuck!

This is a fuckin' shame,

- but it's also pretty fun. - Whoo!

- Thank you, dude. - Yeah!

Dude, those girls were out of control.

No, those girls were out of control

- until we controlled them. - You really controlled them.

You have to remind yourself that any situation

is actually controllable, because parents are smart,

and kids, by comparison, are fucking stupid.

- You have it figured out. - You can't do anything

until you know the answer to one simple question:

- "Who is Teddy Sanders?" - Mm.

It's a very important question to ask yourself.

Before I got anywhere in life,

I asked myself, "Who is Mac Radner?"

And I said, "Who are you, Kelly Dhundee?"

Your maiden name's Dhundee?

No, it's-it's got an H. Dhundee.

- Like Crocodile Dundee? - Da-hundee.

It's a different name altogether.

I know it's a different name,

but it's just a coincidence.

- Crocodile Dundee. - It's nothing like it!

Oh, yeah. No, nothing like that.

But anyway, that's what you need to know.

Who is Teddy Sanders? -Buddy, what are you doing today?

- What's happening? Yeah... - Yeah, what's your, uh...

What's your plan? -What's your overall game plan here,

- just in life? Yeah. - Yeah, where you are.

I'll probably, like, play some games on my phone

and, like, walk around for a little bit

until I tire myself out, then...

go to sleep in my car.

Probably.

So sad.

Um, do you want to maybe... crash here?

Really? I won't take up too much room?

You could sleep in Stella's room.

She takes up, like, this much space. -KELLY: Yeah.

- Thank you, guys. - No. Thank you.

- It means a lot to me. - Yeah. -I can see that.

It's not that big a deal.

No, it is a big deal to me.

- Thank you. - Okay.

Thank you.

Do you have any more of these?

Yes. There's heaps in the kitchen. Help yourself. -Yeah.

Are they baby food?

- Technically. - Gosh.

- Babies eat good food. - Yeah.

- Yeah. -This is awesome. - Yeah, go get 'em.

- Thank you. - Yeah.

That's cute. Look at him.

Mmm.

He inhaled so much weed smoke, he tuckered himself out.

All right.

Guys, we lost our nest egg,

we lost all of our weed, and our rent is due.

- What are we supposed to do? - Beth, what happened?

I thought you were the one stopping the old people

- from getting the weed. - No! Do not blame me!

You saw what was happening up there!

I am a human woman! I had to watch that!

Okay, I was on the whipped cream, you were... -

- We watch things together. - She was in charge of the weed.

- You were in charge of the weed.

No, no! Stop it!

Stop it! Don't you see what's happening?

This is what the old people want us to do.

They want to tear us apart.

They know that if we're a united front,

we can't lose- because we are sisters!

And for the first time in my life,

I feel like I belong right now.

This is so much better than I ever thought college could be.

This is the most fun I've ever had,

- and I went to Space Camp. - Ooh. Yeah.

I haven't slept in, like, a week.

I just don't want to miss out on anything.

You guys are so much fun.

We're never gonna lose each other.

I mean, what do you call a house

full of united women?

A brothel.

Brothel.

No, man. A sorority!

- Oh. Okay. - Oh!

This is the problem.

We're never gonna solve our money issues

when we're in this war with the old people.

- What can we do? - We're gonna give

the old people a taste of their own medicine.

All right? They tried to tear us apart.

- Yeah. - So what are we gonna do?

- We're gonna tear them apart! - Yeah! Yeah.

I mean, unless you guys think

that's, like, too intense of a plan.

Shelby, they would never say you were too intense

if you were a man.

- Yeah, own that shit, queen. - Yeah.

- Let's do this, team! - Do this! -Yeah!

This-- Ah!

What do we think of that?

"Oh, my prince, come for me.

Come for me."

"No, I won't, I'm not coming for you."

Yellow stars.

What color for her dress?

Yeah?

What is the water doing?

It's boiling.

Pretty cool, huh?

What we do now,

we're gonna add the eggs to it, okay?

- You put eggs in the water? - Yeah, watch.

Did you hear that?

It's hot! Oh! -Oh, dude, don't fucking touch it!

I told you it's hot!

Oh, my gosh! I thought it was like Jacuzzi hot.

- No, it's, like, boiling hot. - Oh.

Now, we add the eggs,

and we hard boil them, okay?

Don't put the eggs in there.

- It's gonna melt them. - What?

No, it hard-boils them.

It makes them hard.

Why would it make eggs hard?

What do you mean, "why would it make eggs hard?"

It makes pasta soft.

Whoa.

That's a good point.

Well, she looks fantastic.

Look at this.

I think this is a gorgeous color.

Oh, I love coloring in.

I love it!

She's quite overdressed, really, isn't she?

I mean, what, she's just in a garden somewhere,

in a ball gown.

Do you see people sometimes that I don't see?

You can tell me.

Honey, I'm home!

I've always wanted to say that.

It's fun. I say it all the time.

- Really? - Yeah.

Dear Mac, I know everything

seemed good between us, but I've been lying

to you and myself. I'm freaking out.

- From Kelly. - What?

What's she talking about?

That's gotta be a joke.

She must be fucking with me.

Yeah, she's joking around.

- Girl, you bad though. - So fucked up!

Oh, yeah. It's on!

- I'm-I'm gonna call her. - Definitely call her.

- Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck! - Hang up, hang up. Hang up.

- Fuck, he's calling her. - Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Decline. Decline.

What's going on right now?

- It's okay! - Hang it up! Hang it up!

Okay, it stopped. It stopped. It stopped.

Just stay chill, okay? Everything's fine.

Okay. What should I do right now?

Huh?

Sh... Where did she go?

I know exactly where she went.

What the...?

Mac, I have been up all night!

I'm worried sick!

Please just text me something.

I'm worried.

What...?!

Fuckin' Jimmy.

Let's go, I'm hungry!

Trying to get this tweet out.

- How do you spell Trump? - Oh.

Jimmy.

- Hey, what's up, Kel? - Where is he?

- Where's who? - You're lying to me!

You're a fucking terrible actor!

- Tell me where he is! - Uh, I don't know.

He told me that you'd pretend you didn't know where he was.

- Tell me where he is! - Ow! No.

- Hey, Kel! - Where is Mac?

Mac is missing, and Jimmy knows where he is.

Fucking tell her where the fuck he is!

- Tell me! - I was with you last night!

I don't know where he...

I know you're protecting

some stupid bro code.

- Just tell me where he is. - Ow! Bro code?

No, there's no bro code.

He likes you more than me. He tells me that every day.

You're fucking lying to me, Jimmy!

- Tell me where he is! - Aah! I'm not lying.

Excuse me. Why is there so much language...

This is an emergency! My husband Mac has vanished,

and this man knows where he is!

- Well, tell her! - Fucking tell her!

- Fucking tell her where she... - Tell me!

Oh! Oh!

Well, you don't have to do that. -I don't know!

Just hold on a second. Wow!

- Hold it! Stop! - Try and remember!

Damn it, Jimmy, she's gonna hurt you!

He's in jail for child porn!

- What? - No! I mean, I'm lying!

I-I don't know where he is! Ow! -No! No! No, no, no!

- Call him on the phone now! - You deserved that, Jimmy!

- Call him! - Hold on!

- Call him...! - Hold on! No, okay, all right!

Here, here. Fuck it!

Aah... aah... It broke the skin.

Kelly?

- Why do you have Jimmy's phone? - Hello?

Where are you? Are you around here?

- Are you hiding somewhere? - Where are you?

I'm in your office!

I've been looking for you, I...

I went where you told me to meet you!

Where are you?!

In Sydney, Australia!

- What? - Outside the Opera House.

- You're in Australia? - Yeah, I just got off a plane.

I've been on a plane for 18 hours!

What's happening?

We've been hacked!

"Kappa Nu fooled you."

Kappa Nu?

Prank war! Airbags, airbags!

Airbags!

Airbags! This is not a drill!

- All butts up! - What the fuck?

All butts up!

God! No! Aah!

No!

I might do the bridge walk, and then I'm gonna come home.

You want this? It's a barely-used refrigerator.

Who wants to make some toast?

Oh, you look like you like toast.

Ha! Do you want, do you like toast?

"Old people shit"?

"Kappa Nu steals from you."

They robbed us?

- This is so fucked. - We should call the police.

- We can't call the police! - Why?

We stole their weed. We're in too deep!

You know what? Girls are worse than guys!

I'm just gonna say it! I know that's not feminist,

but fuck that!

Well, at least they didn't take Stella's toys.

Oh, don't give me that!

I've been awake for four days!

I'm so tired!

It's 3:00 a.m.

where I am in Australia!

We are so fucked!

We're in a drug war with teenagers.

We don't have any furniture.

We're gonna go bankrupt.

We made so many bad choices throughout this process.

- We're about to have two girls! - Two kids?

That's completely irresponsible of us.

We can't take care of one.

Oh, I know I'm not a good parent.

Fuck that. I'm the bad parent.

- Now shut it down. - No. You don't get this one!

- I'm the bad parent! - I'm the bad parent.

Last week, I found her chewing on a nugget of weed.

I don't know how long she had it in her mouth for.

Was it the indica or sativa?

It was indica. She slept for, like, nine hours after.

I'm the bad parent.

When she was six months old, I dropped her on her head.

So did I.

- What? - One time, I went to Taco Bell,

I left her at home.

I forgot she existed.

She almost died over a gordita.

I'm such a bad parent.

Well, maybe we're both bad parents!

Oh, no.

It's Wendy, the Realtor.

My clients are backing out of escrow.

- Yeah. - What?

We drove by the house yesterday and saw Kappa Nu.

How do you know the name of the sorority?

I mean, I went to college, too, you know.

Omega Theta.

Let's roll out!

Okay, why the hell is he here?

- I thought you were my clients. - We hired him

because you just forgot to mention

the sorority that lives next to our new house, so that's why.

Okay, well, congratulations 'cause you hired a joke.

Oh, shove it, Wendy.

Oh, shove it right back at ya, Oliver!

- Why don't you shove it? - Shove it right back at ya!

You know-- You know what? We fucked once.

- Okay, not applicable. - I just feel like

we're escrowing apart,

and we should be escrowing together. -Exactly.

- Guys, can we just escrow - Okay? And the truth is

- together for a minute? - they're lovely girls.

- We promise you. - Lovely girls.

- Super nice girls. - Great.

I don't think that they are,

because we literally saw them robbing your house.

They're not. -Oh, well, thanks for fucking stopping them!

You just stood there while they robbed our house?

- It wasn't like that! - What am I, police?

You didn't tell us about the sorority!

Is there anything we can do?

- We're desperate! - Anything we can do?

Yeah, you can magically make the sorority

that lives next door to you disappear by tomorrow.

- Is it real? - No!

Maybe it's just the old people messing with us. -No.

It's a real eviction notice. I called the landlord.

Okay, but maybe the landlord was just, like,

one of the old people pretending to be the landlord.

No. We're actually being evicted, okay?

We have no money to pay for it,

because we spent all of our money on the weed.

And so now we need five buckets of money,

otherwise we're gonna get kicked out tomorrow.

- We're gonna lose the house. - We're gonna lose the house?

Oh, my God, we're gonna lose our sisters.

'Cause we're gonna be put in separate dorms.

Then we're gonna have no friends anymore,

and it's gonna be just like high school all over again.

What are we gonna do? I mean, how do frats make money?

They throw parties, and they charge for them.

But no one's gonna pay money to come to our parties.

Yeah, it's not like a frat bro is gonna walk up and be like,

"Ooh, you look good in your normal clothes."

Wait!

- I love your sweater! - Wait, girls!

I have an idea.

Okay.

You're not gonna like it, though.

We have to throw a party.

No. When we throw parties, we lose money.

No. Not one of our, like,

really fun parties that we actually have a good time at.

I mean it's, like, empowering.

We have to throw a really shitty frat brother party.

One where, like, the frat brothers

like it so much they actually pay us to come to.

And then they really like it so much

they tell all their other douchey frat brother friends,

and they all pay us, too.

Like the one we met each other at?

The other option here is losing the house,

and if we lose the house, we lose Kappa Nu.

I'm not gonna lose you guys.

- Okay. - All right.

- Let's go tell the girls. - Okay.

We don't want to lose this sorority.

We don't want to lose our house, okay?

And that's why we gotta...

dress a little hotter than we usually do.

I'm hot! I fucked the pizza man.

I gave him five stars on Yelp.

You have chips in your hair.

Yeah.

♪ Do you work out?

- ♪ Girl, you so fit - ♪ So fit

♪ I know you want to dance, dance ♪

♪ D-D-D-Dance

♪ It's a party in my pants

♪ Hey

♪ Hey, hey

♪ It's a party in my pants...

Look at the production value on this video.

We are totally fucked!

We're gonna be bankrupt!

No, no, no. Look closer.

They've lost their way. They've become everything

that they've hated.

Jesus Christ.

They're vulnerable.

They're relying fully on this party

to support this house.

- He's right. - If we shut down this party,

the sorority will dissolve.

It's time to show them who's adults

and spank their little bottoms.

- I want to spank 'em all. - Let's do what parents do

better than anything,

stop young people

from having fun!

Come on in, guys.

Bring it in!

Hey, uh, hope you let yourself in this party later on.

You're funny.

Hey! Call your friends, okay?

Tell them to come and bring money!

We shut this motherfucker down at all costs.

Y'all go in, shut it down from the inside.

Me and Kelly stay,

call the cops, shut it down from the outside.

Inside, outside.

Got it.

Now I'm ready.

Yeah, now I'm ready.

- Jesus Christ, man. - Oh!

♪ Party in my pants...

- Hey! - Hey.

What's going on, Kappa Nu?

- How we doing? - Bro, it's only 20 bucks.

You've gotta get down here now.

They're gonna get wet everywhere,

I swear to God!

There's so many fucking hot bitches here, it's ridiculous.

It's like a, like a hot bitch fiesta.

And they're, like, all ripe and ready to pop!

How much money have we made?

How-how many money buckets do we have?

This punch taste kind of funny.

We didn't put out any punch.

- Oh, no. - We didn't...

Look, I'm gonna start phase two, okay?

Phase two is we have to stop the old people

from calling the cops, okay?

If you see any old people in here, stop them.

- Okay. - I don't like this.

- Me neither. - No!

Stop drinking that.

Oh, my tongue is numb.

All right, just blend in and follow me.

Yes, blend, blend, blend, blend.

Oh! Excusez-moi.

It's a good party.

I am gonna text my friends.

No, it's all a lie.

It's a deception.

They don't think you're funny, okay?

- What? - Oh, fuck me!

- Oh, shit! - Oh, oh.

You okay? What's wrong?

I shouldn't have eaten that McRib.

It's no big deal.

Just having the worst cramps of my life

every five, six minutes.

Yeah. -I think you're going into labor.

No, no, no, the baby's not due till tomorrow.

Okay, you're definitely going into labor.

You need to be timing this.

Oh, it's passed.

I feel great.

I told you, she's not going into labor.

She's all good, dude.

There she goes.

You should really go after her.

She's the boss of her own body, all right?

The last night of freedom!

- I love you! - I love you, bubba!

We have to get upstairs.

That's where the power source is.

What are you doing?

Don't drink that!

What's wrong?

Oh, come on, dude!

Never drink the punch!

Let's go.

I-I saw you with-with Teddy.

Why-why were you with Teddy?

Shh.

We're gonna kill the power

and shut down the party.

Oh.

What?

I-I got real fucked up really quickly just now.

- Me, too. - Yeah.

But all I had was the punch.

Shit! We got Cosby'd!

Yes!

Kappa Nu...

good night to you.

They must have an alternate power source.

Banana!

Banana! Banana!

Must stop you!

Oh, my God. Look how big my tongue is.

Look how big my tongue is.

No!

Aah, uh, ow, ow!

Party's big enough; let's call the cops.

- Okay. - Hey, sweet tart.

It's a little hard to call the cops

without a phone, ain't it?

Give us that back!

- No! - Drop it!

Whoa!

- Oh! - - What the fuck?

Called a cord, dumbass!

Fucking old people phone!

What the hell?

Where are our phones?

Oh, what? These?

How'd you get those?

Whoa.

Come on.

Yo, yo. -I couldn't find the power source.

Shelby took our phones. Do you have a phone?

What? No, I don't have a phone.

- I ran out of data. - Shit!

I'm in here guys.

- Don't try and find me, though. - Garage.

Oh! You're getting warmer.

Getting warmer!

You're-you're definitely getting warmer.

Oop, oop. You're getting warmer.

Getting warmer.

Bingo.

Shit!

- No! - I'm not gonna let you out

until we're done raising money, all right?

There's-there's energy bars in the corner.

There's some water, and there's a poo bucket

- if you need it. - Shit!

You come back here, young lady. -Kelly!

- Shelby! - Help us!

- Come back here! - Kelly, help us!

Come back here right now.

Hey!

It's locked. She locked it.

Okay.

Calm down, let me think.

All right, here's the plan.

We're gonna throw everything we can at this door.

What are you doing?

I'm pooing! When I'm nervous, I poo!

Look away.

Suck it back up.

We gotta get out of here.

- Yo, get out of the way. - Big man!

Oh! Come on!

Okay.

- Oh, shit! - Ah.

Ah, ah, ah, ah. -I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!

I'm sorry. Okay.

Let's try something else. Let's try something else.

I'm fine.

Oh, shit! Oh!

- Mac, you okay? - I'm good.

Ooh.

You broke my bike.

- That didn't work. - No!

Do you got another one in you?

I think...

That's it.

That's our way out.

That's way too high up.

- No, it's not. - What are you gonna do?

I-- Look- I don't have the keys.

Can you hot-wire it? We can drive through the wall.

No, I don't know how to hot-wire.

But I do know a thing or two about...

airbags.

Okay.

Set it down really soft.

Perfect.

Okay.

Now, if we do this correctly,

the force from that airbag

should blast us straight through that vent.

Okay.

Who's gonna do it?

I'm gonna do it.

Thank God.

I don't think I could do this.

You okay, man?

Are we gonna still hang out after this?

Are you gonna want to hang out with me?

Yeah.

And like even though, like, the war is over,

and, like, I want to sort of, like, be of, like, value,

you know, to you?

Yeah.

Prove it.

Prove what?

Hug me.

I'm good.

Give me a hug.

Give me a real hug.

What does that do?

It solidifies the bond, bro.

Bring it in.

I appreciate you, man.

Thank you.

This is actually really nice.

Oh, man.

This just feels good.

Yeah, I like that. Boom!

- Yeah! - That's it. Powerful.

- Power. - Yeah!

Yeah!

Yeah! -All right, that's a little much.

Yeah.

- Thanks, buddy! - Ah, dude.

I like this broing-down shit.

- Dude, we are bros, okay? - Yes.

Let's do this, man!

- All right. - Okay, before you do this.

Maybe just, like, make a hundred percent sure that,

like, you're all lined up.

Get ready?

One!

- Two! - Two.

- And three! - Three.

Oh, God!

Oh, no!

Are you okay?

- I'm fine. I'm fine. - Oh, man.

I'm fine. I got this.

No, you don't got this at all.

You for sure have a concussion, man.

I'm okay.

- I just need ten minutes. - Dude. No.

I'm gonna take it from here.

Be careful.

Okay.

It's time.

Time to save my family.

Ow!

You okay?

It worked!

Oh, God.

Whew.

Whew! Hey!

Girls, guess what?

I got rid of the old people.

They're trapped in the garage.

We're fine.

What is that?

CROWD Boob! Boob! Boob! Boob!

Boob! Boob! Boob!

Boob! Boob! Boob! Boob!

Boob! Boob! Boob! Boob! Boob!

This party sucks.

I can't, I can't be here anymore.

Guys, guys, guys, we're good.

- Are we though? - Wet T-shirt contest!

What? No!

You're all winners.

- You're all winners. - Stop!

Yeah, baby!

I think I'm quitting.

Yeah, I'm quitting, too.

- I'm out. - No! You all can't quit.

We'll figure it out! Wait!

Wait, girls! Let's just talk about this for a second, okay?

Stop it! Slow down!

Hold up! Stop!

Just stop moving.

Okay? Look...

Oh, God, the party's even bigger.

- What the fuck? What happened? - I've been roofied.

So if anyone's ever wanted to have sex with me,

- tonight's the night. - Well, good-

the plan is almost done, okay? I've got the old people away.

Everything's fine. We're Kappa Nu.

This isn't Kappa Nu-- this is not what we set out for.

That's what? That's it? You're j... you're gonna quit?

Oh, come on, don't blame us. You ruined this.

- I look like Nicki Minaj! - Yeah, I look like Snooki!

I was the only one trying to save this.

This was all my idea.

You're literally running away to quit.

The whole fuckin' thing's imploding.

So we're gonna destroy their friendship?

No, we're just, uh... we got escrows, dude.

What's the difference in right now and always, huh?

We tried, okay? We tried our asses off.

This is not gonna work.

The whole system is against us,

and that's all there is to it.

All right.

I give up.

We live in a sexist world, and there's nothing

- we can do about it. - I can't believe

this is actually over.

Now I'm gonna lose all my friends,

and it's gonna be just like I was in high school.

I just wish we'd never started

this stupid sorority in the first place.

- We were dumb... - I don't like this.

They shouldn't be saying that.

They're just kids.

- No, it's over. - I can't cope with that.

No, it's done.

- It's done! -No. -No! - Hey! Hey! Ladies!

Get your shit together.

What's with the meltdown?

You're strong, powerful women,

and you're trying to buck the system.

You're just away from home for the first time,

- and you're scared. - I am scared.

You got this. You know what the right thing to do is.

- You know what's right. - Well, yeah, we know

- the right decision to make. - We know it.

What's the right decision to make?

Don't give up on yourselves.

Give us a little more.

You get knocked down, you get up again.

They're never gonna keep you down.

Oh! Oh, did you just make that up?

I did.

Kelly.

Tell them to make out with each other.

Tell them the house isn't Kappa Nu, they are.

This house isn't your sorority, you are.

No, the mom is right.

Why are we doing this right now? Why don't we

just throw the party we want to throw

and worry about what's gonna happen tomorrow?

It doesn't matter if we lose that.

It matters if we lose...

this.

- You guys. - I'm so happy.

Aw...

Sisterhood!

I want to see them kiss so fucking bad.

All right, let's kick all these douchebags out

- of our house. -Okay! - Good speech, sweetie!

- Thanks, baby. - Where did that come from?

Well, we have a daughter, baby.

What happens with our escrows now?

I don't know, but I think it's the best

- possible outcome. - Okay.

Jimmy! Jimmy! Where are you?

Oh, fuck. Paula.

Guys...

I think I was wrong.

It's not the McRib.

- Oh, no! - Oh, my God!

Oh, God!

It's got my foot!

It's a breech! It's a breech! Oh!

Go to the hospital!

- Go to the hospital! - Go to the hospital!

- I love you. - I love you.

♪ Time has come today

♪ Young hearts can go their way ♪

♪ Can't put it off

♪ Another day

♪ And I don't care what the others say ♪

- Are we gonna lose our house? - I mean,

we have no money, so we're definitely losing it, yeah.

Well, we better blow it out!

Guys, this party is amazing. You did it!

The first sorority that can party.

- We'd all love to join. - Who's "we"?

♪ The room has changed today ♪

♪ Hey!

♪ I have no place to stay...

Uh, drop your dues in the bucket

- if you want to join. - Do we have to wear hoodies?

I mean, no offense to you guys, but I like to dress pretty.

No, dude. You can totally wear

whatever you want.

Welcome to Kappa Nu.

Welcome, you guys!

Oh, my God!

Come in! Money in the bucket!

- Just some money in the bucket. - Wow!

Yeah. Just throw it in the bucket.

Or you can just...

♪ Yeah! Time has come today! ♪

♪ Ow!

Hey, Pete. Pete.

Pete, wake up, man. Pete.

- : Pete. Pete. - Dude, what the...

What the fuck? What... What are you do... What's going...

- What are you doing? - Just calm down. Just listen.

I'm sorry. Okay?

I'm sorry.

When you two got engaged, I was in a bad place,

and I... and I thought I was losing my best friend.

Then I realized, man, I'm never gonna lose you.

Because we're brothers.

Forever.

Right?

For life.

I'm not losing a best friend,

I'm gaining a best friend's husband.

Motherfucker! -Whoa, whoa, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

It's okay. It's all right, it's all right. -Oh, God.

Teddy and I are just making up. -Okay.

Hey, um, can I ask you something?

Yeah, man.

Would you... would you maybe...

want to be my best man?

Holy, shit. Really?

Yeah.

Yes, I'll be your best man, dude.

- I love you. - Love you, dude.

- You, too. - Aw...

- Come over here. Yeah! - Hey, get over here.

I have two brothers now. -

Well, I see your, uh, shitty "be yourself" party

is even more popular than your fucking "sell-out" party,

- so that's fantastic. - Well, actually,

it's really good for you, because we are prepared

to give back to you for helping us

with your... escrowdom.

We've made a shit ton of money-

uh, eight buckets, actually, full of money-

and we have way too many people

wanting to join our sorority than we have room for.

Yeah. We can actually afford to fill two houses now.

Can we rent your house for overflow?

Just an idea. Just a quick i...

We are prepared to offer you

four buckets of money, per month, in rent.

Five.

Five. We'll do it for five. Five buckets.

Per month. Five buckets per month.

Five buckets it is.

Fuck, yes! Eat shit! We win!

- Give us more! - Come on. Let's go,

- You can do this every month? - Let's go. -Yeah.

- When can we move in? - Right now! Who cares?

- Now! - Give us the money! Yes!

We're gonna be landlords!

- How hard could it be? - Cool!

- Fuck it. - Fuck you!

Thank you!

Overflow party!

♪ Chocolate chip, chocolate chip ♪

♪ Master grip, master grip

♪ I'm mean

♪ I'm green

♪ Aw, I'm a walking sex machine ♪

♪ I'm a sexy player

♪ In the street...

♪ Chocolate chip...

Oh, man.

I'm gonna miss this place.

Our first house.

When Stella was a little baby... -Mm-hmm.

that's where she took her first steps.

Yeah.

That's where she said her first word.

Those are the little notches

when she was growing taller.

You see your little notches? -KELLY: Huh?

Remember those, Stels?

It's all going by so fast, huh?

- I know. It's crazy. - Yeah.

Okay.

Let's go.

Come this way?

It's our new house!

You can't even see the neighbors.

You know what?

I think we are good parents.

I mean, we parented Teddy.

Yeah. -We parented 30... crazy sorority girls.

Well, we're trying.

Yeah. -'Cause that's all you can do, right?

I think so.

The truth is, it doesn't even matter

if we're good parents or not, 'cause one day,

our daughters are gonna look at us

just like those sorority girls do.

They're not gonna want anything

to do with us; they're not gonna want to talk to us.

- It breaks my heart. - Mama.

- Are you scared? - I'm scared.

Come on, sweetie.

Come on, sweetie.

Hey, cheeky girl.

- Hey, sweetie. - How are you?

- Do you want to go to sleep? - You want to go to sleep?

Not yet.

Not yet? You want to just hang out for a little bit more?

Can you play peek-a-boo?

- Peek-a-boo! - Oh!

Oh!

- Peek-a-boo. - Ah.

Peek-a-boo.

Peek-a-boo. You'll always be,

like, really nice to us, won't you?

You'll always be our best friend, right?

We'll always have things to talk about, right?

Mm-hmm.

- Oh. Hey! Hey, sweetie. - Hey!

Hey, sweetie.

I'm not sad.

No, I'm fine.

- I love you, sweetie. - I love you, sweetie.

Love you.

How do you feel? Good?

Yeah. The, uh, the nerves are kicking in a little bit.

Well, you look great.

- Thanks. - Okay?

You all right? You seem really nervous.

I'm having a little bit of a meltdown.

Just remember, man, um...

Darren loves you more than anyone in the entire world.

Darren cherishes his friendship with you.

Darren can't imagine his life without you.

And Darren...

is proud to call you his best friend.

You're not talking about Darren, are you?

No, not really.

Let's get you married, though, huh?

All right, everybody, look alive, look alive.

We have Groom One, and he is ready to walk,

along with his best man.

You ready for us?

I'm proud of you, man.

You found your niche.

This just seemed like a logical conclusion.

Gay wedding planning.

It's a great job, and you can do it

with a criminal record.

My only skill is planning parties.

And for some reason, gay guys, specifically,

they just respond to me.

It's because you're a great guy.

Thanks, man.

And they probably want to fuck the shit out of you.

Hey, look, I didn't say it. You did.

Delta Psi.

Delta Psi.

Let's get you married, okay?

- Yes. Let's do it. - And we are walking.

Hey, guys, we're home with baby Mildred!

- Oh, welcome home! - How's it going? Yeah!

- How was the birth? - Eh. It's over now. -Yes.

Did you shit on the table?

- No. - Me, neither!

- ♪ Ooh-ooh. - Pro.

So much shit.

You got a present for your new little sister?

Baby's first dildo!

- Thank you, Stella. - Oh, my God!

You guys are just like us!

- Oh, show 'em. - This is Jimmy Jr.'s favorite.

Show 'em, show 'em. Look at that.

We kind of have a "no veins" rule with our, uh, vibrators.

Maybe get one without a ball sack

- attached to it. - Put that away.

Put that away.

Put it away.

Are you ready to meet your cousin, Jimmy Jr.?

- Look at her! - Oh. -Oh...

Look at this. Families are meeting.

Look at that. Oh, look at that. -My God.

Hi. Hi, Jimmy Jr. I'm Mildred.

Oh, cute.

Hey, Mildred. One day,

we are gonna fuck!

No, that's never gonna happen,

because my parents are gonna teach me to respect myself

and stay away from guys like you.

- I could do this all day. - I could, too.

We're gonna go; we're gonna get out of your hair.

Thank you for watching Stella. Thank you, guys.

- Really appreciate it. - Oh, my God. Anytime.

Bye. She's beautiful.

- Thank you, guys. - Thanks, guys.

Bye!

- Well... - We did it.

- We did it. - We had another kid.

- We got another one. - I love you.

I love you.

Stella, you want to kiss your sister?

Hey.

♪ You had to hustle

♪ 'Cause that's how we was raised on my block ♪

♪ And you stayed on your hop until you made you a knot ♪

♪ On my block, to hang out was the thing back then ♪

♪ And even when you left out, you came back in ♪

♪ My block, where everything is everything, for sheezy ♪

♪ My block, we probably done it all, homie, believe me ♪

♪ My block, we made the impossible look easy ♪

♪ For sheezy, my block

♪ I'll never leave my block, my niggas need me ♪

♪ My block, where everything is everything, for sheezy ♪

♪ My block, we probably done it all, homie, believe me ♪

♪ My block, we made the impossible look easy ♪

♪ For sheezy, my block

♪ I'll never leave my block, my niggas need me ♪

♪ On my block, everybody business ain't ya business ♪

♪ What's going on in this house is staying here, comprende? ♪

♪ On my block, ya had to have that understanding ♪

♪ 'Cause if ya told Ms. Mattie, she went and told Gladys ♪

♪ And once ya mama got it, it was all on the wire ♪

♪ And when the word got back, they set your ass on fire ♪

♪ On my block, we got some 'Nam vets shell-shocked ♪

♪ Who never quite got right, now they inhale rocks ♪

♪ On my block, it's like the world don't exist ♪

♪ We stay confined to this small little section ♪

♪ We living in, on my block

♪ I wouldn't trade it for the world ♪

♪ 'Cause I love these ghetto boys and girls ♪

♪ Born and raised on my block, yeah ♪

♪ Yeah

♪ My block, where everything is everything, for sheezy ♪

♪ My block, we probably done it all, homie, believe me ♪

♪ My block, we made the impossible look easy ♪

♪ For sheezy, I'll never leave my block, my niggas need me ♪

♪ My block, where everything is everything, for sheezy ♪

♪ My block, we probably done it all, homie, believe me ♪

♪ My block, we made the impossible look easy ♪

♪ For sheezy, I'll never leave my block, my niggas need me. ♪

♪ Single ladies, I wanna see your hands right now ♪

♪ What

♪ I wanna see you dance right now ♪

♪ Single ladies, I wanna see your hands right now ♪

♪ 'Cause it's a party in my pants right now ♪

- ♪ Right now ♪ - ♪ You're invited

- ♪ So don't be late - ♪ Right now ♪

♪ We're about to explode today ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh-oh, we gonna celebrate ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh-oh

♪ 'Cause it's a, 'cause it's a party in my pants ♪

♪ Party in my pants

♪ Hey, hey

♪ Hey, hey, ho

♪ Party in my pants

♪ Ooh, girl, that body's on fleek, fleek ♪

♪ Why don't you come and party with me? Me? ♪

♪ You don't need to RSVP-P

♪ To come to the party in my pants ♪ - Hey, hey ♪

♪ Single ladies, I wanna see your hands right now ♪

♪ Let me see your ♪ - I want to see you dance right now ♪

♪ Single ladies, I wanna see your hands right now ♪

♪ 'Cause it's a party in my pants right now ♪

- ♪ Right now ♪ - ♪ And you're invited

- ♪ So don't be late - ♪ Right now ♪

♪ And I'm excited, so don't be late ♪

♪ How about you and your friends come my way ♪

- ♪ 'Cause we about to - ♪ We about to ♪

♪ 'Cause we about to

- ♪ We about to get lit - ♪ Lit ♪

- ♪ About to get lit - ♪ Lit ♪

- ♪ Take it to the head - ♪ Okay

- ♪ We don't take sips - ♪ No way ♪

♪ Do you work out?

- ♪ Girl, you so fit - ♪ So fit ♪

♪ I know you want to dance, dance ♪

♪ D-D-D-Dance

- ♪ It's a party in my pants - ♪ Pants ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Hey, hey ♪

- ♪ It's a ♪ - ♪ Party in my pants

♪ Ah ♪

♪ Hey, hey, ho ♪

♪ Party in my pants

♪ Ooh, girl, that body's on fleek, fleek ♪

♪ Why don't you come and party with me? ♪

♪ Ho, ho ♪

♪ And you don't need to RSVP

♪ Yo, yo ♪

♪ To come to the party in my pants ♪

♪ Hey ♪

- ♪ Party in my pants - ♪ Hey ♪

♪ Party in my pants

♪ Ooh, girl, that body's on fleek ♪

♪ Why don't you come and party with me ♪

♪ Hah, hah ♪

♪ And you don't need to RSVP

♪ No way, way ♪

♪ To come to the party in my pants. ♪