Original subtitles

(bouncy music)

♫ Nobody likes me everybody hates me

♫ Guess I'll go eat worms

♫ Nobody likes me everybody hates me

♫ Guess I'll go eat worms

♫ Big fat juicy ones little tiny slimy ones

♫ Guess I'll go eat worms

♫ Big fat juicy ones little tiny slimy ones

♫ Guess I'll go eat worms

♫ Why oh why do I like them

♫ That's not really the thing

♫ All my friends think I'm crazy

♫ Whenever I sing that my favorite thing

♫ In this world is just so squirmy

♫ Nobody likes me everybody hates me

♫ Guess I'll go eat worms

♫ Nobody likes me everybody hates me

♫ Guess I'll go eat worms

♫ Nobody likes me everybody hates me

♫ Guess I'll go eat worms

♫ Nobody likes me everybody hates me

♫ Guess I'll go eat worms

♫ Big fat fuzzy ones little bitty juicy ones

♫ Guess I'll go eat worms

♫ Big fat fuzzy ones little bitty juicy ones

♫ Guess I'll go eat worms

(bouncy music)

♫ Nobody likes me everybody hates me

♫ Guess I'll go eat worms

♫ Nobody likes me everybody hates me

♫ Guess I'll go eat worms

♫ Nobody likes me everybody hates me

♫ Guess I'll go eat worms

♫ Nobody likes me everybody hates me

♫ Guess I'll go eat worms

♫ Why oh why do I like them

♫ Is that really the thing

♫ All my friends think I'm crazy

♫ Whenever I sing that my favorite thing

♫ Is a worm that can squirm when I'm chewing

♫ Guess I'll go eat worms

♫ Guess I'll go eat worms

♫ Nobody likes me everybody hates me

♫ Nobody likes me everybody hates me

(bouncy music)

♫ If you try them you'll like them

♫ Don't be squeamish or shy

♫ They are so very tasty

♫ Let's all go eat worms

♫ Worms worms worms

(crickets chirping)

(man belching)

- We been fishing for two days in this hell of a lake

and we ain't caught a damn.

(man belching)

You do that one more time,

I'm gonna tear the tongue out of your head from the roots

and slap you to death with it.

I'm trying to sleep.

And I can't sleep with you belching.

I can't sleep, I can't get me that championship bass

in this here pond.

(ominous music)

- I just heard me the sound of worms.

- Are you sure?

- Sure I'm sure, I know the sound of worms.

Hell I can hear a tapeworm in the hall.

- What was that?

- That was the sound of a nightcrawler.

One more sound and we go get them!

(bouncy music)

(ominous music)

(crowd chattering)

- All right now, quiet please.

♫ Happy birthday to you

♫ Happy birthday to you

♫ Happy birthday to my daughter Ursula

♫ Happy birthday to you

♫ On your eighth birthday

(applauding)

- All right now, honey.

I want you to cut the cake,

but first you gotta blow out all the candles

and make a good wish.

- I'll cut up the cake just the way I cut up your dog!

- Give me back the knife or I'll beat the crap out of you!

- Dad, she said she was gonna beat the crap out of me!

- If you don't give me back the knife,

I'll beat the crap out of you and anybody else

that tries to stop me from cutting my cake!

- Now you don't really mean that, sweetheart.

- The crap I don't!

- She said crap again!

- I know she said crap again.

Give her the knife.

- Yeah, give me the knife or I'll beat the crap out of you!

- She beat the crap out of me

and you don't even give a crap she beat the crap out of me!

- I think it's disgraceful,

the language the mayor's children use.

- Well she really did beat the crap out of him.

(laughing)

♫ Happy birthday to me

♫ Happy birthday to me

♫ Happy birthday dear Ursula

♫ Happy birthday to me

(ominous music)

- Look, Daddy, it's a prize!

Dad, they're gooey!

(bouncy music)

- Imagine, six months ago to the day,

Buck Boeing, US champion fisherman,

and his weekend buddies,

spent their very last days here at this very campsite.

Never to be seen or heard from again.

Now people are afraid to come down to this lake, Max.

But actually that's helping out our plans nicely.

- Yeah, the town jerks would love to rezone out here,

because they want the vacationers

just as badly as they wanted the waters

to irrigate the crops,

that time your old man built the first dam out here.

Now your old man wouldn't let a little

bad publicity get in his way.

No way!

He had guts, he wouldn't let anything stop him.

Not even Umgar's father.

That's why he had him drowned.

You know it's kind of funny that Umgar's old man

is buried up there under 100 tons of cement.

Yeah, your old man had guts.

- My father never killed anybody.

- Okay, have it your way, chief.

- I don't want to talk about it, Max.

- Well you may not want to talk about it,

but every time somebody looks at that mudhole out there,

all they think about is when that dam broke

and Umgar's old man was drowned!

You remember that.

That was St. Valentine's Day, 1939.

And your old man made a fortune.

Oh, he had guts.

Guts!

Don't worry about it, Mayor.

We're gonna give away so much free ice cream

and cake and rotten beer

that all they'll think about is balancing their checkbooks.

We'll have our Manana Estates here.

And nothing can stop us.

Unless Umgar has some proof.

- As far as anybody knows,

Umgar's father didn't leave him a will or a deed.

- That creep is dangerous.

How do we know he didn't leave the deed

proving that his old man

was in partnership with your old man

and that he and you own half of this town together?

- Well if he does have a deed, I don't think he can read.

He's probably used those papers to start fires

in that shack of his.

Max, next week when that city council of mine

votes to rezone this mud hole,

the first thing I'm gonna do as Mayor of Melnick

is to have Umgar committed to a state mental institution

for the rest of his unnatural life.

No, on second thought the first thing I'm going to do

is to go out to Umgar's shack

and ask him about that deed just one more time.

♫ Everybody said to him doo a diddy

♫ Down in New Orleans

♫ She was so pretty she came from the city

♫ All that she had to see

- [Umgar] Ow, that hurts!

Oh this hurts!

Oh how this foot hurts, ooh it hurts!

(knocking on door)

- Open that door, Umgar, I know you're in there!

I heard you hit your foot against the door again!

- Mr. Melnick, he comes to make trouble for us.

The trees, beautiful trees, and our hills.

He wants to build cement buildings on our gorgeous lake.

We won't let him.

We won't let him,

soon we're going to give him a little surprise.

We'll stop him, we will.

You'll grow big and fat and strong and strong and strong.

Yeah?

And soon we are going to dinner in the homes of Melnick.

Eaters and eaters.

That Mr. Melnick, my pretties,

and all of his ritzy friends too.

Oh Carl, Carl!

(knocking at door)

(evil laughter)

- Ooh what a stink!

Everybody quiet down there, keep it quiet!

Monsieur Melnick, yeah, I come, yeah.

- Umgar, I want you to listen to me.

When Harris and I build our homes,

we thought maybe we would have a little display.

An interesting museum.

Umgar, if your father left any kind of trinkets,

or papers,

you owe it to him to see that they get into the right hands.

- My father left nothing.

- You must have something and I want it, do you hear me?

There are gonna be a lot of changes around here soon,

and there is not going to be any room

for any junk of any kind!

And remember, I have fire and theft insurance

for everything on this property!

But not medical insurance for that foot of yours!

- What did he say?

- He said he didn't have the deed.

But I think he's lying to us, Max.

When I asked him about his father's deed

I looked him right in his good eye.

And I think it started to cry.

We're gonna have to rough him up, Max.

- Good, what are we gonna do?

- Well the first thing I'm gonna do

is call a special meeting of the M society tonight.

- Maybe we can tear his heart out.

You know I bet Umgar's heart

looks like a bad piece of cow's liver.

Green and rotten and moldy!

(gentle guitar music)

(music box playing "Fur Elise")

- You mustn't twist your legs like that.

Hurt your kneecaps.

And then you wouldn't grow up strong and straight.

You must be straight everybody.

Yeah you must.

Come here.

Oh now, Berta, Berta, Berta.

Don't push her.

Look at that!

You're going here.

Coochy coochy coo!

Here is the deed to our land.

We'll put it right in there.

So that man will never find it, no!

Hello boys, yeah.

Today you're going to have a vacation,

you're going to exercise and play!

You'll play all over.

Everybody's going to play.

Especially you, Stooge One, you don't get enough exercise.

Stooge Two and Three and Four,

you guys have to play together!

Don't get tangled up there.

All of you, your noses are cold, that's good.

Your head looks all right, good.

Ready, inside we go.

Wait, wait.

No, you're healthy, you're okay.

Yeah, okay.

Ready, yeah.

Herman, Herman.

You mosey along, that's your job for the day.

And Berta, today you make like a good woman.

You go through the windows, see, the windows.

Umgar shouldn't make his little friends work so hard.

But he needs them.

You must have your strength, yeah.

I get you something to eat.

(bubbling)

♫ When they sunk the Lusitania

♫ I got loose with you

♫ Yeah yeah

♫ You are loose loose yeah

- This is about, this much,

I don't want them to get indigestion.

(smacking)

- Oh god, always the foot, always the foot!

All the time the foot!

There you go, I can't feed you,

I have to feed your crazy cousins, yeah.

Come on, yeah, crazy.

Umgar can do that.

I forgot to put my rubber gloves on last time.

You ate two of my fingernails, boo on you!

Yeah yeah, just like a surgeon.

US Army, yeah.

Now don't eat too fast,

because if you eat too fast you get indigestion.

Ready, ready?

Hold your breath, you stink!

Stinky breath, yeah.

(munching noises from tank)

(Umgar singing)

- Don't eat so fast!

Oh that's much too fast!

Eat, but not each other!

Here, here's a little more for you.

To clean the insides, yeah.

Get you big and strong.

(munching noises from tank)

(Umgar singing)

(knocking at door)

- Hello, hello, is anybody home?

Open sesame!

- Stop making this a joke, Steven!

We just need somebody here to help with the luggage!

My god, what a godforsaken place you've brought us to!

- Mildred!

Oh what's the use?

We're here to enjoy nature.

This is our annual nature trip.

Why don't you try and enjoy it for a change?

- That's right, Mommy.

Don't be such a spoilsport.

You might even get a suntan.

- [Mildred] I burn, I don't tan, I burn!

- What do you want?

- We have reservations.

Our name is Manhope.

- Yeah, Manhope, Manhope, I get letter, yeah.

(belching)

You come with me, yeah.

- My god!

This place is worse than the place you took us to in Chile!

I just know there are tarantulas here!

- No no no lady, no spiders.

You don't see spiderwebs, then there are no spiders.

Campsite you're on is fantastic, best place I've got.

Some real estate has skunks and some bats, see,

but that is good for the land, make grass grow.

- You know I think I can get into painting here!

Oh yes, I think I can.

And the lake, how far is the lake?

- Just a half a mile away,

but there's not enough water

for the boats this year, no boats.

- Where's the shower?

Or the bathtub, for that matter?

- Oh, you bathe outside!

- That's fantastic!

That's really rustic!

- What time is dinner going to be served?

- The kitchen closes in one hour,

there's a menu on the door.

- You're our chef?

- No chef, I cook.

Sometimes good, sometimes like bat droppings, yeah.

Special for this week, baby lizards, over easy!

- Did he say baby lizards over easy?

- [Umgar] Oh, the bats, they like your wife!

- All right all right, hold it hold it hold it.

Now look, look.

Why don't we go up to Umgar's cabin?

If he doesn't give us the deed,

I'll make him part of the cement that's in the dam.

- Now that's murder and I'm not for murder.

A person who's for murder doesn't like himself.

Murder is a very punky thing to do.

- You calling me a punk?

I'll tear your head off at the shoulders

and feed you to my piranha!

- [Woman] Oh yeah?

- You ain't got no piranha, Max.

- What do you mean I ain't got no piranha?

- I ate him.

- You ate Rosemary?

I'm gonna tear your head off!

- All right, all right,

don't get so riled up here now!

We used to negotiate with these fellas every Friday night.

Now here's what I got in mind.

The first thing we do is we come right out of the bar

and then we go to the big hanging tree.

- [Woman] Oh come on now, not the big hanging tree.

- Oh honey, it's true to my heart, for god's sakes,

we had 36 straight lynchings there before

they hijacked that god damn rope shipment from Georgia!

For god's sakes, come on, let's do it, let's do it!

- All right, hold on, hold it!

You're all a bunch of uglies!

Now look, if this nut has got the deed,

it's in his shack.

Today is Thursday, he comes into town for his supplies.

Max will lead an expedition to the shack to get the deed.

- [Man] What's an expedition?

- We go to the shack and we get the deed!

- Now can't we burn it down?

I mean I would really dig that.

I had a football coach one time,

he had a club foot just like Umgar's.

He used to kick us with it.

I want to rip it off and beat him to death with it!

- Calm down Max, you're not playing football!

This is serious money business!

And use the cups!

- His ankle would snap like a chicken bone.

And I'd beat him in the head with it.

I'd use his head for a cue ball.

Oh god I wish I was in 'Nam again!

And I would have made my enemy gut shot, ah!

- Now, everyone that is involved in this expedition

should keep one thing in mind.

One objective.

Find that deed.

And if we can't find it,

then you can do anything you want to him, Max.

Anything.

(gavel pounding)

All right, this meeting of the Royal Order of the M Society

is now adjourned.

Father Smuts, will you give the closing ceremony?

- Our prayer for this day.

Glory to the M Society,

and praise to the money we're about to make

with the building of a new condominium estate.

Up up and away!

(laid back electronic music)

♫ Out in the woods

♫ Outside of town

♫ There lives a man

♫ People put down

♫ He wants the lake and trees

♫ But they want instead

♫ To build fancy homes

♫ And make lots of bread

♫ And they're trying to destroy him

♫ But he's holding fast and firm

♫ And those of them that take his home

♫ May wind up eating worms

♫ So don't you try to take his home

♫ You may wind up eating worms

♫ You may wind up eating worms

♫ You may wind up eating worms

(door chiming)

- You got ball cock?

- Ball cock, who wants ball cock?

How come everybody in this country is here longer than me

and nobody speaks English?

Now you talk slow,

and then you say in plain American.

Okay, what do you want?

- That's American English, ball cock for toilet.

- Toilets are water and a handle, that's a toilet.

You know what you say?

- Do you want a ball cock for your toilet?

Is that what you're trying to say, sir?

- Yeah, plain American speech, ball cock for toilet.

- The round thing that goes up and down.

- Oh you mean the water ball that goes up and down,

up and down.

- Not go up and down, no up and down.

Ball cock, English for toilet.

- What's the matter, nobody around here gonna speak English?

- Aren't you Mr. Umgar?

Don't you take care of the park up at the lake?

- So?

- Well I'm just glad to meet you, that's all.

I'm the head of the Valley Conservation Group here in town.

We're really interested in that lake of yours.

We don't want to see it subdivided

into a bunch of land parcels and sold

like they've been doing all over this entire state.

We heard that you don't want your land

turned into a bunch of condominiums either.

I'm having a meeting at my house tomorrow night.

And I'd really like you to come.

You know more about that lake than anybody

here in this entire town.

We've got to stop them.

- You're not stopping them, you crazy kid,

nobody stops them.

- Okay, here's your ball cock.

Anything else?

- Yeah, 50 pound sack of DDT.

- You're buying that stuff?

- You hippie!

- You see the yard man outside,

he can give you the DDT.

- You hippie, don't even know what hippie mean,

but it's a funny word like ball cock, yeah.

(Umgar singing)

(truck motor humming)

♫ They crawl through the ground

♫ And they're covered with slime

♫ He makes his own law

♫ Not like our prison terms

♫ Instead of 10 to 20 years

♫ You get 10 to 20 worms

♫ And they're trying to destroy him

♫ But he's holding fast and firm

♫ So don't you try to take his home

♫ You may wind up eating worms

♫ You may wind up eating worms

- You want to go to lake, you tourist?

- Yeah, are you the pickup service for the lake?

I was told that if I wait right here

that someone from the lake would pick me up sometime today.

- I'm from lake.

- My name's Fern Hopewell, I'm an archeology student,

and I've come to Melnick

to do a little research on the lake.

Your name?

- Umgar, I'm Umgar.

You wait right here, I must go get ice.

- Sounds fine, do you mind if I put my bag in the truck?

- Go.

- Well I guess I'll just walk around the town,

it seems like a real clean little town.

- Keep away from two old ladies with hats on.

They're crazy, unless you're a karate expert, yeah.

- That's a weird dude!

(jaunty music)

- Look like you got a campaign going on there.

What's, stop the Lake Melnick swindle?

- You want to help us?

- Me, what can I do to help?

- We're trying to stop the mayor and the crooked politicians

and all of those phony land promoters

from ruining Lake Melnick.

They want to put up condominiums all over the entire place.

So we grow oranges.

There's no DDT, no pesticides, anything like that.

- [Brunette Boy] Yeah, we sell them.

Then we use the bread to keep this cause going.

- Cause?

You guys aren't going to bomb anything, are you?

I came up here for a little rest,

a little relaxation for a couple of days.

- No, nothing like that.

We just believe in the rights of the people.

Hey we've got a petition, do you want to sign it?

- Sure, I'll sign it!

- What's the matter with you, foot?

You want to drive or you want to let me drive,

make up your mind!

(music box playing "Fur Elise")

Calm down, soothe the savage beast!

Cooperate!

Cooperate!

- Umgar, Umgar, what a surprise!

You've come into town today!

Come over here!

Do you recognize me?

I'm a Hollywood star, but who am I?

If you guess, you get to kiss Heidi!

♫ See what the boys in the back room will have

♫ And tell them I cried

♫ And tell them I sighed

♫ And tell them I'll have the same

- You're Marlene Dietrich!

- Oh boy, you're getting pretty daring, Umgar!

Umgar, tonight's my night off.

Wouldn't you like to come into town?

We could go dancing and drinking.

And have a real good time.

- No tonight's the full moon, you could go crazy.

- Well then, why don't I come up to your place, big boy?

And I could fix you a good old fashioned German meal,

like in the old country.

- You don't like my place.

- Oh I could come and we could play house.

And I could fix you a tantalizing dinner.

You like that?

- Yeah, I like that.

- Well then it's all settled.

Oh, think of it, Umgar!

A candlelight dinner in your own cottage.

I know a man like you doesn't need a poor girl like me.

A man with all your bills, but still--

- I have no money, you're a gold digger!

- Oh, please Umgar, please!

Pretty please with sugar on top,

and cream, and cherries and strawberries,

and kitchy koo!

I'll be there eight o'clock sharp with bells on.

- If you come, you come.

I cannot wait for woman.

Woman make head of man buzz around like bees in the head!

- I'll be there eight o'clock sharp.

A good meal and a good woman is all a good man needs.

And I won't make you like bees.

I'll make you like honey, honey!

- I not feel good, I go now, I go.

- That guy is loaded, I just know it.

- Are you going up to the lake to vacation?

- Yeah, I'm an archeology student

here on kind of a hunting expedition.

I'm gonna dig up fossils and things.

- Hey if you dig up anything like a Clyde Harris,

make sure you put him back in the ground again.

- Yeah and if you run into any of those hustler types

like Clyde Harris or Sonny Melnick

or anybody on that city council

then just let us know.

We've got to keep our eye out

on what's going on up at that lake.

We've just got to keep in touch.

- [Umgar] I'm ready!

- Okay you guys, my ride's here.

- Well we'll see you.

- I'll see you later.

- Bye! - Later!

(bouncy music)

(truck motor stalling)

- The truck got excited, it has to calm down.

We sit for a while.

- You grow things?

Vegetables?

Rare flowers?

- I grow friends, I grow friends, yeah.

- Eww, oh god!

Eww, ugh!

Oh!

- [Mildred] Where's my water?

Where's my water?

Do I have to dry up before I get my water?

- What did she say?

- She said where's my water?

- I'll get you some in a minute,

as soon as I finish this tree!

- Don't say that, Daddy, it makes you sound like a dog.

(birds chirping)

- Wow, girls!

Hey girls!

Hey, I've got company!

Hey girls, girls, say cheese!

Say cheese!

(gentle music)

(music box playing "Fur Elise")

- Wow.

Melnick's men didn't find the deed to our house.

And our land, yeah.

Because they were afraid of our little friends here, yeah!

- Like this, Arnold, this is ridiculous!

- Come on honey, you're in show business!

Let it all hang out.

Just do it, just pose for me!

You're gonna be great in Playboy!

Yes, honey, great, great!

- Don't do that!

Why do you do that?

Oh yeah, Umgar and his friends.

But you wouldn't listen.

I told you if you would hurt each other

I would take care of you.

You are just like the other ones,

I had to put in the lake, they would not listen either!

If you are bad friends, I will separate you!

Yeah.

- You know, if you want to be a star,

you gotta let it all hang out!

- Oh yeah, I want to let it all hang out!

Don't you think I have a lot to hang out, little boy?

- Tons, tons!

You know what?

Why don't you lie down?

You know, for the centerfold.

You know, I'm a photographer for Playboy,

that's the way I make my living.

I know what I'm talking about.

Now if you'll just go over there and lie down,

you'll be there with nature and the pebbles and the sand--

- Yeah!

♫ Da da da da

- Now that's as much as I wish to show the American public.

I know they're gonna start with too much in the beginning,

there is nothing left for the end.

And I'm always a believer in the end.

- You see, they are out there doing porno.

So dirty, yeah?

You don't do porno.

Human beings, they go crazy.

Now you stay calm.

♫ See what the boys in the back room will have

♫ And tell them I cried

♫ And tell them I sighed

♫ And tell them I'll have the same

- [Heidi] Tee-hee!

- Quiet, quiet down there!

- Look, here we have some potato chips.

And here we have some dip.

Let's just sit here and pretend we are married.

You will be the master and I will be your slave.

Oh, well what do we have here?

Oh, worms, worms!

I hate them!

Oh, they remind me of Chinese food, I hate Chinese food!

Oh my god!

(crying)

Oh, you're saving them for fishing, yeah?

You make a lot of money from worms, yeah?

- I think this is not a good idea.

I'm not hungry, I think you'd better go.

- Oh no, no.

You're just not used to having a woman around.

I like that.

You're so bashful.

That's so cute.

You needn't be bashful with me.

After all, a man with your position in life,

the owner of such a place as this,

a whole lake and a resort,

why you could afford to be like Howard Hughes

and live in seclusion!

- I own no land, Sonny Melnick owns the land.

- Oh, no need hiding your money from me!

What do you think I am, a gold digger?

No no no, you've got the wrong idea.

- [Umgar] No!

- How thoughtful, you thought you'd do the cooking too?

That is a nice trait in a man.

Now here is your beer and here is more chips.

You just sit here and relax

and I'll take care of everything.

And pretty soon you'll be nice and cozy

with a good meal in your tummy.

♫ I want to be in pictures

♫ I want to be a star

Now what did you fix yourself for lunch today, let's see!

What do we have in here?

Aah!

More worms, more worms!

(shouting wordlessly)

They look like Chinese food!

I hate Chinese food!

Oh my god, worms, oh my god!

Take that, you monster!

Oh my god, oh my god!

(ominous music)

- [Umgar] Oh no, she murdered Carl!

(mournful music)

- Get back in the house!

Back, back.

Oh, Carl.

Poor Carl, you always had such bad karma, Carl.

(music box playing "Fur Elise")

Oh, Stooge One!

Oh, Stooge Two!

Where's Stooge Three and Four?

I think I make joke for Heidi and she go away.

And she never come back again.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Let Umgar cook your dinner for you tonight!

Going to cook good spaghetti dinner,

yeah, Italian spaghetti!

Learned how to cook spaghetti

from old Italian garbage collector,

that I learned cooking from,

nice Italian man,

teach me to cook Italian food and to speak Italian.

He teach me to say, "Got you pasta!"

- Ready to see the new transformed Heidi?

Here I am, ready to face my man.

Well, how do I look?

All pretty for my man again, huh?

See, this is how I learned to do it when I was in Italy.

I was going with a young Italiano, a weight lifter.

He taught me how to use my tongue.

Like this, see?

(jaunty music)

(Heidi gagging and coughing)

(bottle shattering)

(buzzing music)

(Heidi shouting in a high pitched voice)

- Oh no!

Oh no, oh no!

I feel sick, I need to feel water on me!

I'm drying up!

Help, help!

(Heidi screeching)

- Thanks to my friends you have become a worm!

Oh, I cannot ...

What do I do?

I must hide you, Heidi!

I must hide you!

(Heidi screeching)

(high pitched worm voices)

- Whoa!

She's more of a worm than my friends!

Maybe she can ...

Tons of lettuce, tons of carrots ...

She will eat more for me ...

She can eat the crickets, Heidi!

- This is no way to run an establishment!

Why, I own 18 large corporations,

and if one of my executives acted the way you're acting,

why, he'd be fired on the spot!

- You take numbers and you stand in line,

otherwise no food, what do you think this is?

- There are only six of us out here,

why should we take numbers?

- Good enough for bakery, good enough for Umgar!

- I want you to come with me right now

to my wife's tent and take her breakfast order!

I'll come along with you!

- You got any hot dogs in there?

Even a crummy place like this pigsty

has gotta have hot dogs!

- No hot dogs, hot dogs got sawdust in them,

bad for stomach!

- Hey shorty, don't you know that it's un-American

not to have hot dogs?

If you're gonna live here

and serve food to us American youth,

then it's your patriotic duty to have hot dogs!

- Not wieners, you understand?

Plain American hot dogs!

We're gonna report you!

They're gonna take you to the Mexican border

and throw you out!

- Ha, can you imagine that?

The old club foot might get sent back to Berlin

because he doesn't know about hot dogs!

- I heard they were gonna take the eagles

off the flag poles and put hot dogs up there!

- Sexy!

- No hot dogs.

Umgar make you a baloney sandwich, costs one dollar.

- I wish there was someplace else to eat around here.

You can't believe it, but that man likes worms.

Like I mean I was sitting in his truck

when he was driving me here to lake,

and I actually saw him talk to a worm

that was crawling up his neck!

We're gonna let this man cook for us?

- [Mildred] Where's my breakfast?

- It's amazing, sometimes I think

she has stereo in that belly of hers!

♫ It's good for me

♫ Baloney is good for me

- It's delicious.

Here, you cut.

You cut, look, we go to wife,

and we make her think she's in the Ritz.

Yeah, the Ritz.

- What do you think I am, a prisoner here?

Tell this ugly stupid man

that you're going to buy up the whole place

and kick him out if we don't get better service from now on!

- Oh calm down Mildred, for god's sake!

He's only a Westerner.

He's not used to your high faluting talk.

I like talking Western style.

- Do you have anything to eat here?

Anything other than lake water?

- I have eggs and baloney.

- Two eggs, scrambled, and with salt in the middle.

And fudgies, I must have my fudgies!

- Fudgies, what's fudgies?

- Don't worry.

I've got a case of them in my luggage.

I have to take them wherever I go!

She's got to have her fudgies.

It's like heroin to her.

♫ Her name was Mabel

♫ And she was able

♫ Her name was Mabel

♫ And she was able

♫ To do a thing or two

♫ She did it under the table

♫ Her name was Mable

(voices blaring from television)

- Here lady, just like the Ritz.

- What took you so long?

What have you been doing?

Counting the damn bats?

Give me my food!

(jaunty music)

- Stooge Three and Four!

Oh, Heidi, here it comes!

Oh, poor Stooge Three and Four!

(jaunty music)

♫ Everybody said to him doo wa diddy

♫ Down in New Orleans

♫ She was so pretty she was doo wa diddy

♫ Oh but was she heavy

- Ooh, she's heavy.

♫ She was pretty and her name was Kitty

♫ And she came from the city

♫ Ooh doo wa diddy

- Maybe it's dinosaur tracks!

- Don't be ridiculous,

these tracks were made in the last several days.

They're animal tracks.

Some type of ...

No it's not earth corrosion,

these are definitely animal tracks,

made by a sliding animal, either on its belly or side.

Maybe this has something to do with that movement in town,

that Phil fellow asked me to keep a look out

for anything strange, but this is awfully strange.

- Hey, look at that!

The water's turned red!

Have you ever seen that before?

- That's nothing remarkable,

they call that the red algae tide.

It's very common in the waters of the Pacific.

It is very strange for a lake though.

- Heidi and ...

You, yeah.

There are two of you now.

You'll eat the crops.

You'll eat carrots and lettuce

and spinaches I got.

You'll eat a lot.

And we'll save the land,

they wouldn't take the land.

And the hills and the trees

and the lake and the hills

and the forests, we'll save it,

you'll eat salad dressing,

a lot of salad dressing.

(Umgar singing wordlessly)

(high pitched voices giggling)

- [Shirtless Man] Do not be afraid.

We will not hurt you.

- Who are you?

- [Shirtless Man] We are the three fishermen

who disappeared many months ago.

- [Umgar] You're dead!

- We did not die.

We live beneath the red tide in the lake.

We have made our home there.

We can never return to land again.

- You're dead, I know you're dead!

- We did not die.

When we ate the fish we caught with your worms,

they took over our life blood,

and we became like this.

Not man, not worm.

The worms took over our bodies.

And we live in peace.

Underneath the red tide in the lake.

We are a new glorious breed of men.

We are at peace under the red tide.

And we do not need greedy man.

Tonight we have come for you to help us, Umgar.

- Help you?

- We are men only.

We need women.

We cannot go out onto the land.

The sun is too hot, it will destroy us.

At night we go roaming for love so we can have children.

Umgar, we need you to get us women.

We need your help.

(women screeching)

- They're just like us, and they're women!

- The women will come with us.

- No, don't take them away!

I need to keep them!

They're trying to take people away, don't take them!

Please, please!

- There's two of them and three of us.

- That could cause a lot of trouble.

- Yeah, women make head buzz, buzz, buzz.

And see there are two of them,

and there are three of you,

you need one for each of you, yeah.

You see, don't take them!

I'll make you other worm women.

Please, I'll make them for you,

I promise, I'll make them for you!

But don't take them, please!

- Why don't we just take the women and go?

- He's right.

We need three women.

One for each of us.

We will accept your offer, Umgar.

We will return in several days.

And if you have the three women you promised,

we will let you live in peace.

We go!

(high pitched squealing)

- How's it going, Rusty?

- Pretty good except for that last guy over there.

- Look, this meeting tonight has got to be a big affair,

we've got to get all of these people on our side!

- Sir, please understand, take this pamphlet, please.

- I told you, I don't want it!

- You're a bum!

- Look at those rotten kids.

Maybe I'll get Captain Warren after them.

- No, don't do that.

It'll make the papers and then we'll have an investigation,

we got all kinds of trouble over here.

Nothing to worry about anyway,

so a bunch of kids come up to the meeting, so what?

We'll put up posters and banners and stuff,

we'll buy their posters for 20 bucks, ain't nothing.

Listen, Max and the gang

are gonna take care of things this time.

Umgar will be dead by tonight.

- I hope you're right.

- But Daddy, she is your wife!

Maybe you should report it to the police or something.

Maybe she got picked up by two thugs!

- Yeah, in a fudgie truck.

I can just see her in the back of a fudgie truck

gorging herself to death!

Where's Arnold?

Have you seen Arnold lately?

Maybe they ran off together!

- Arnold's got the runs.

He's been in and out of the outhouse all day long.

- Got the what?

- Runs, runs!

(jaunty music)

(explosion)

- Girls, don't go near the water, don't go near the water!

I got hot dogs for you!

I got all meat hot dogs!

I got a big shipment, they just came in!

Don't go near the water!

I'm gonna cook hot dogs for you!

Hot dogs, they're coming!

- Oh my god!

There he is again, the strange one!

He scares the hell out of me.

Maybe he ate Mama!

- The old clubfoot's got some hot dogs for us!

- I'll be up there later,

I've got a lot of important work to do.

Where's Arnold, he's supposed to be helping me.

- Oh, he's up in the outhouse.

- Oh wow, look at these hot dogs.

Let's eat them up!

(jaunty music)

(girls gagging and retching)

(ominous music)

(scratching noises)

(laid back music)

(Fern screaming)

- Holy Mary Magdalene!

- You be quiet and you won't get hurt.

Until I make up my mind what to do with you.

You're pretty.

You make Umgar feel strange feelings

throughout the whole body, yeah.

Same feeling I had when I was in high school

and I walked past the girls gymnasium, yeah.

But not near the gents, no!

Berta has escaped!

Berta has escaped!

She went to go in the tank,

no Berta, you're too young to go in the tank!

No, you mustn't go, Berta, no!

(mournful music)

- No, no, Berta!

Berta, oh Berta!

Oh, Berta, where are you, Berta?

Where are you?

No, Berta, Berta!

Berta, oh come back!

Oh come back Berta!

Berta!

(music box playing "Fur Elise")

(jaunty music)

(worm women squealing)

(Fern grunting)

- If you want to scream go ahead and scream.

We've got this little girl that went to town

to see about Humphrey Bogart.

- Please don't give me any worms!

I'll help you, I'll do anything you ask,

I promise, just please don't give me any worms!

I'm on your side!

I'll help you!

I don't want your land to be taken away from you!

- Land taken away from Umgar years ago!

- If you had any kind of proof ...

- You want proof, I've got proof!

I'll show you the proof.

Deed, deed, deed, deed.

The land, Umgar owns the land!

The documents that say that Umgar's father was killed,

the dam was what killed my papa!

- Give me the deed!

I'll take it to the meeting tonight, I'll fight for it!

- You are lying like the others!

- No, then give it to Phil, the young boy!

He'll listen!

He'll take it to the meeting tonight.

They're having a rezoning meeting in town, I promise!

I'm not lying to you!

He won't let your land be taken away from you.

Your trees won't be taken away

and your lake won't be destroyed.

- Okay, I give you one chance!

I give the documents to Phil and he takes them to town,

but if the people don't listen,

then we come back!

(ominous music)

- What is it?

- Hold on, let me read it.

- What's it say?

- Be quiet!

- Hey!

(jaunty music)

- Can I have quiet, quiet, everyone!

I want to thank you, water commissioner Wagner,

for that very fine report on the drying up of Lake Melnick.

- It was a very challenging assignment, Mr. Mayor.

- Now is everyone here?

Fine, now this is going to be an organized meeting

on rezoning of Lake Melnick.

Now it's gonna be an open meeting.

So anybody can talk any time that they want to.

Now we're going to discuss the pros and cons

of the rezoning of Lake Melnick

and they'll be discussed by anyone

who has anything of importance to say.

- [Max] We didn't have a match.

- Didn't have a match, what match?

- To burn up Umgar!

- You're a bum!

- You're a crooked politician.

- As a property owner in this here town,

namely Happy Harry's Used Auto Sales Company Incorporated,

my business fell off almost 40 percent this last two years.

Now listen, I ain't in the business to lose money,

I almost went broke when that lake dried up.

I think the development of Lake Melnick

and the Manana Estates is gonna be a boon to this town

and it's gonna bring in senior citizens with lots of money.

- That's very good thinking, Mr. Harris.

Anybody else?

You mean he is still alive?

- I'd like to say a few words, Mayor.

- Go right ahead, May.

You all know May Florheim,

the owner of May's Fresh Meat Emporium.

- My name is May Florheim.

- Sock it to 'em, May!

- Come on boys, let's keep it down to a small roar.

Now I own May's Meats

and a little piece of land up near the lake,

where we hold our annual tequila drinking contest.

- Except you drink us all under the table, May!

- I put you to shame!

- Hey May, what about those arm wrestling contests

you hold back in the freezer, huh?

- Hey, now come on,

you're embarrassing me in front of these good folks!

- Come on May, please, the rezoning!

- Oh yeah, look.

Now I'm for rezoning that old dried up sewer out there.

Now we need progress.

We need more kids,

we need more broads, and we need more guys.

I mean progress!

Now we got a lot of valuable land

tied up in those old weeds up there!

(crowd muttering)

- Yeah, but she owns half of the city dump!

And if you people decide to rezone her land,

then it becomes part of the deal

that you want to build condominiums on!

There's nothing but pollution all over the place!

Or something on ground that is not even fit to walk on!

- That's enough of that, young man!

We don't need any loud mouths in an organized meeting!

- Now hang on, hang on, Sheriff.

I ain't standing on any protocol here.

My name is Marlborough,

and for those people who don't know me,

well I ain't too tall,

but May there'll tell you I stand kinda tall in the saddle.

Now I got the fanciest restaurant in town

and I'm here to tell you folks

that my business has gone way down.

I got beer going warm in the fridge,

I got god damn pinball machines that have dropped dead,

fishermen used to come in to see me by the hundreds

and they don't come in to Marlborough's place no more!

I love nature.

I love that lake!

I was raised around that lake.

I used to fish for catfish

when I was knee high to a grasshopper.

Now all of that has changed.

- Change, you want to know about change?

Let me tell you about my hamburger and chicken joint.

My buns are drying up!

I got grade A meat that's turning green.

Those rotten chickens are getting rottener every day.

The place looks like a bad beach head landing.

I ain't got no business!

And the lake is one dried up mud hole.

What need is progress!

We need to rezone this area for recreation!

We need something that will attract young girls.

We need to build a pool hall.

We need tennis courts.

We need swimming pools.

We need something that will attract hundreds of girls.

No no, not hundreds of girls,

thousands of girls!

Not that I need any more girls.

- I'm for rezoning!

And them that ain't,

don't even bother coming into Marlborough's place no more!

- Now listen everybody,

I've got a note from Mr. Umgar.

He said that he's got a deed to Lake Melnick.

He says that --

- Max, get him!

- Don't move!

Keep that boy quiet!

Don't move!

- What good are you?

- I think it is time for us to bow our heads in prayer!

And pray for peace for all mankind.

- Listen to Father Smut's prayer.

- Father who?

- Smut, Smut!

- Dear Lord, we thank thee for the wisdom to rezone.

And we thank thee for the funds

to invest in Manana Estates.

For our frothy overflowing cupful of profits

from our monastery retreat,

chapel, frozen yogurt bar,

meditation center, and he doesn't even want any!

Amen.

- I can't let him take Phil!

- Just relax.

- But he had it all the time.

The dirty old clubfoot had the deed all the time!

- He's got the deed, we've got the rezoning.

- I'm gonna get him my own way, now, tonight!

- Don't go near him, man.

You'll blow the whole thing.

- I'm gonna blow the whole thing!

I'm gonna blow his brains out!

- [Radio Announcer] This is radio station KFUF,

KFUF, Melnick, California.

Here's a real news hot flash from City Hall.

There was a big ruckus tonight at the town meeting

for the rezoning of Lake Melnick.

A young boy disrupted the meeting as far as we can tell

and is being hunted by the Sheriff right now.

It seems at the meeting

he and his group of conservationists took exception

to the city council's ruling in favor of rezoning the lake.

The two council men, the council lady, and the Mayor

voted unanimously to grant to Clyde Harris

and his Land America Investment Group

the rights to the property

and the future development of Manana Estates.

Now for more music!

- I don't wait for anybody!

Nobody!

They kill!

We'll get the city council now!

You hungry?

But we save the green trees

and the hills and the mountains, yeah!

(jaunty music)

♫ Nobody likes me everybody hates me

♫ Guess I'll go eat worms

♫ Nobody likes me everybody hates me

♫ Guess I'll go eat worms

♫ Big fat juicy ones long thin skinny ones

♫ Guess I'll go eat worms

♫ Fine fat fuzzy ones little bitty juicy ones

♫ Guess I'll go eat worms

♫ Why oh why do I like them

♫ That's not really the thing

♫ All my friends think I'm crazy

♫ Whenever I sing that my favorite thing

♫ In the world is a worm well I'm sorry

♫ Nobody likes me everybody hates me

♫ Nobody likes me everybody hates me

♫ Nobody likes me everybody hates me

♫ Nobody likes me everybody hates me

♫ Guess I'll go eat worms

♫ Big fat juicy ones little tiny fuzzy ones

♫ Itty bitty juicy ones really loosey goosey ones

(men gagging and retching)

♫ Nobody likes me everybody hates me

♫ Nobody likes me everybody hates me

- I'm telling you.

I wish you girls would come away for the weekend,

I'm paying you good money, I don't know why you can't.

You ever try some of this stuff,

awfully good stuff, awfully.

♫ Why oh why do I love them

♫ That's not really the thing

♫ All my friends think I'm crazy

♫ Whenever I sing that my favorite thing

♫ In the world is a worm inside of me

(grunting in exertion)

- [May] Hey wait a minute, wait a minute!

(grunting in exertion)

(jaunty music)

- Want a cookie, little girl?

(jaunty music)

♫ If you try them you'll like them

♫ Don't be squeamish or shy

♫ They will make you so happy

♫ Let's all go eat worms

(man retching and gagging)

♫ Worms worms worms

- Want a cookie little girl, want a cookie?

- Close the door, Umgar.

Keep your hands where I can see them.

Come closer, come.

Well Umgar, I want the papers.

Every single one of them.

And don't lie to me, I'll blow your head off.

I mean business this time, Umgar.

I'm gonna blow your head off.

I am so tired of those stares and that mumbling

and that foot of yours.

I'm gonna count to three.

Get me those papers.

One.

Two.

(Mayor chuckling)

So that's where it was all along.

Umgar, you and I are gonna take a little walk,

down to the dam.

I'm gonna take you where your daddy is.

There you're gonna be happy at last,

you and your daddy together in the cement under the mud.

Now give me the documents.

(crashing)

(high pitched squealing)

(ominous music)

(high pitched squealing)

(Umgar whimpering in pain)

- We said we'd come back.

We have.

Go get the women.

I'll take care of him, get me our friends.

(Umgar whimpering)

(squelching noises)

- Umgar, you are bad.

You have always been bad.

We have the women now.

Now we will go to town and get more!

(ominous music)

- To the crop!

To the crop!

To the crop!

To the crop!

To the crop!

(squealing music)

- Darling, I left some hot water, so don't fret.

Darling, if the phone rings and it's your wife,

who shall I pretend to be this time?

It's fantastic to be in love again, yeah.

And you're all mine!

All mine!

(jaunty music)

- Remember kids,

no peeking in the pantry til tomorrow morning!

Daddy will be home from his business trip tomorrow night!

It's his birthday you know.

And I made his favorite jam.

Kumquat jam, that's what I made all right!

Kumquat jam!

What a horrible name for a fruit, kumquat!

(jaunty music)

(indistinct voices from radio)

(truck engine revving)

(brakes squealing)

(Umgar splattering on windshield)

(music box playing "Fur Elise")

- [Worker] Oh right.

Much height.

Good height.

A lot of height.