Original subtitles

( phone ringing ) -( typing )

- Man: Uptown Pharmacy. Can I help you? - HI, I'M CALLING

FOR A REFILL. HENRICKSON, WILLIAM.

- HOLD ON JUST ONE SEC. - ( keypad clacking )

( cell phone rings )

- HEY. - OH, HONEY, WHERE ARE YOU?

- Office. - I JUST GOT OFF THE SHUTTLE.

- IT STARTED 15 MINUTES AGO. - OH, NO.

- Man: That's Viagra? - PRESCRIPTION'S FOR 200,

- BUT I JUST BUY 20 AT A TIME. - GOT IT.

HONEY? HONEY,

- how long is it gonna take you? - NOT LONG.

- Man: How many? - JUST GIVE ME 20.

Barb: All right, take the 600 South exit, then straight up Sunnyside.

- Man: When will you be picking this up? - I'LL SWING BY TOMORROW.

- THAT'S NOT FUNNY. - NO-- 20.

- Barb: See you soon. - LOVE YOU.

( chattering )

( smooth jazz playing )

SOCIETY HALL, BUILT IN 1852

FOR SOCIAL AND CULTURAL EVENTS.

THE UTAH DRAMATIC ASSOCIATION HELD MANY PERFORMANCES...

THAT'S THE LUCY LEWIS FARMSTEAD, 1849,

AND NEXT TO THAT IS THE HANLAN HOUSE, 1847.

- AND YOU'RE NOT EVEN PRETENDING TO LISTEN. - ( sighs )

HAVE YOU SEEN ZACK CADY FROM THE CHAMBER YET?

WHY, YOU THINK HE'D BE INTERESTED IN THE LUCY LEWIS FARMSTEAD?

Bill: EXCUSE ME, COUNCILMAN DAVIS?

BILL HENRICKSON.

- YOU SPOKE AT ROTARY. HENRICKSON HOME-- - OH, SURE!

RIGHT, RIGHT, RIGHT. THIS IS MY WIFE, JANELLE.

- HOW DO YOU DO? - YOU HAVE THAT HOME STORE.

TWO NOW-- ONE IN SANDY, A NEW ONE OVER IN WEST JORDAN.

REALLY GOT THEM SCARED OVER AT LOWE'S.

( Bill chuckles )

( falters ) WE'RE SPONSORING ONE OF THE BUILDING RENOVATIONS.

DONATING MATERIALS FOR THE SEISMIC RETROFIT.

- BARB, MY WIFE. - IT'S A WONDERFUL VISION--

- PRESERVING ALL THIS HISTORY. - Davis: AHEM.

- IT'S ALL BILL TALKS ABOUT. - WELL, A LITTLE BIT.

( chuckles ) I CAN'T WAIT TO BRING MY CLASS.

WELL, THERE'S NOT MUCH YOU CAN'T ACCOMPLISH

- WITH A GOOD PUBLIC/PRIVATE PARTNERSHIP. - MMM.

BIG GOVERNMENT-- UH-UH.

- SO YOU'RE A TEACHER? - COPPER MOUNTAIN ELEMENTARY.

SO WHERE DO YOU STAND ON MERIT-BASED SALARIES?

I BELIEVE YOU SUPPORT IT.

SUPERINTENDENT REINHARDT OPPOSES.

MY UNION IS HOSTILE.

AND THE LEGISLATURE DOESN'T SEEM TO KNOW WHAT IT THINKS.

AND YOU WANT MY LOWLY OPINION?

- ABSOLUTELY. - OH, THANK YOU.

IT'S VERY FLATTERING. YOU KNOW, MY FAMILY ON MY MOTHER'S SIDE,

THEY WERE ONE IN THE FIRST WAVE OF PIONEERS

TO COME TO THE VALLEY...

Nicki: I DON'T REGRET IT. IT WAS A LONG,

- OVERDUE CLEARING OF THE AIR. - WELL, ARE YOU ANGRY SHE'S WORKING

OR JUST THE WAY SHE TOLD US?

I TOLD YOU I'M NOT ANGRY. GET RAISINS.

THE YELLOW KIND.

BUT IF YOU WERE GONNA TAKE A JOB, WOULDN'T YOU CHECK

WITH ALL THE PEOPLE YOU WERE MARRIED TO?

- HMM. - IN FACT, I'M SURPRISED I'M NOT MORE ANGRY.

ALTHOUGH SHE DID CALL ME PIGHEADED.

YEAH, WELL, YOU WERE PRETTY TOUGH ON HER, TOO.

SEE, THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT PLURAL MARRIAGE TEACHES US.

- THE VALUE OF SELFLESSNESS. - ( groaning )

- IT'S MINE. - I JUST THINK SHE LIKES TO WORK

- OUTSIDE THE HOUSE. - AREN'T WE SUPPOSED TO SUPPORT HER, TOO?

OF COURSE, WE ARE. YOU HAVEN'T BEEN DOING IT AS LONG AS I HAVE.

I MEAN HERE WE ARE FOOD SHOPPING, AGAIN.

I CAN'T REMEMBER THE LAST TIME THAT WOMAN

PUSHED A GROCERY CART FOR FAMILY SHOPPING.

- GET THE LOW-SODIUM ONES. - Wayne: RAYMOND, GIVE ME.

- DROP IT. - BOYS.

( screams ) WAYNE! PUT IT-- PUT IT BACK!

HAS SHE SAID ANYTHING TO YOU?

- UH, NO. - ABOUT ME, I MEAN.

- NO. - NO?

- NO. - NOTHING?

- NO! - WELL,

I'M GLAD WE HAD IT OUT.

I FEEL BETTER, I DO.

JUST HOPE SHE'S ABLE TO RISE ABOVE THE PETTINESS.

I'M GONNA RUN OVER TO THE DRUG STORE AISLE-- GET SOME LOTION.

YOU WATCH THE BOYS?

- ( engine turns over ) -( seatbelt alarm dings )

- NEW DRESS? - HMM, JUST HAVEN'T HAD THE OCCASION.

HMM...

WELL, I THINK THE COUNCILMAN WILL REMEMBER ME NEXT TIME.

- Barb: WHY? - HE COULDN'T TAKE HIS EYES OFF YOU.

- OH. - IT'S TRUE.

WELL, NEITHER COULD HIS WIFE.

SHE KEPT CHECKING FOR MY GARMENT LINE.

I THOUGHT SHE WAS GONNA GET DOWN ON HER HANDS AND KNEES

AND PEAK UP MY DRESS TO SEE IF I WAS WEARING THEM.

WHAT?

( both moaning )

- ( gasping ) - ( grunting )

( both laughing )

OKAY.

- WAIT, UH-UH, UH-UH. - OKAY, EE-EE--

OH MY.

GOLLY.

WHERE DID THAT COME FROM?

YOU ARE SO BEAUTIFUL.

STOP.

THIS IS MARGIE'S NIGHT.

IT'S NOT LIKE WE PLANNED IT.

- WELL. - ( engine turns over )

( hard rock playing )

( TV droning )

( Lester babbling )

HI. I DIDN'T HEAR YOU.

I'VE GOT THE WATER RUNNING UPSTAIRS.

I GOT YOU A BURGER. IT'S ON THE TABLE IN THE BAG.

I'LL PUT IT IN THE MICROWAVE WHEN I COME BACK DOWN.

OH, LESTER POOPED ON YOUR ROBE,

- BUT IT'S ALMOST OUT OF THE DRYER. - ( water running )

( water stops )

Barb: GOTTA GO, GOTTA GO!

MORNING, MARGENE. TEENIE, THAT BOTTLE WAS BRAND NEW.

YOU CANNOT HAVE THIS MUCH SYRUP, YOUNG LADY.

- IT IS NOT GOOD FOR YOU. - IT'S FORTIFIED.

- ( phone rings ) - Ben:SARAH, HAVE YOU SEEN MY BACKPACK?

- Sarah: I DON'T KNOW. IS IT IN YOUR ROOM? -( ringing continues )

- HELLO. - Bill: Hi.

- HI. - I ENJOYED LAST NIGHT.

ME TOO.

I THOUGHT I'D MADE IT UP.

NO, MA'AM.

WELL.

YEAH.

THANKS FOR CALLING.

NO PROBLEM.

YOU KNOW WHAT? JUST DECIDED,

I'M NOT GONNA GET DRESSED ALL DAY TODAY.

- ARE YOU FEELING ALL RIGHT? - ( cell phone rings )

FINE.

- UH, JUST GONNA HAVE A DO-NOTHING DAY. - ( ringing continues )

Bill: Hey, what time you taking lunch today?

UH, WHAT?

What time are you taking lunch today?

- 1:00. - I WANNA SEE YOU AGAIN. CAN YOU MEET ME?

UM--

WHERE?

There.

- HERE? - Yes.

OKAY.

- ( TV audience laughs ) - RGIE?

HAVE A NICE DAY, BARB.

HONEY?

YOU CAN'T LIVE ONE OUT OF THREE DAYS FOR BILL

- AND THE REST JUST CAMPED OUT HERE. - I DON'T MIND.

I KNOW. BUT ONE OF THE BEST THINGS

ABOUT HOW WE LIVE IS WE'RE A COMMUNITY.

THE KIDS SHOULD FEEL COMFORTABLE AND SAFE IN EACH OF THE HOUSES

BECAUSE IT'S A HOME.

MY HOUSE ISN'T A HOME?

MAKE IT NICE FOR YOURSELF.

WHY DON'T YOU FINALLY UNPACK?

I BET IF YOU SPEND A LITTLE TIME AND INVEST IN YOUR HOME,

- YOU WON'T EVEN WANNA LEAVE. - ( Lester babbles )

Barb: HMM? YEAH?

GOOD. THANK YOU.

COME ON, HONEY.

- WHAT ARE YOU DOING? - BARB KICKED ME OUT.

- SHE TOLD ME TO GET A LIFE. - THAT WAS HARSH.

IT'S LIKE SHE DOESN'T HAVE TIME FOR US SINCE SHE TOOK THE JOB.

WHICH IS EXACTLY WHAT I SUSPECTED WOULD HAPPEN.

NO ONE'S SUGGESTING SOME ALL-OUT WAR.

- JUST SOME FIRMNESS. - THAT'S RIGHT.

JOEY OFFERED UP THIS INFORMATION AND IT'S WORTH FOLLOWING UP ON.

WELL, AT LEAST THIS GUY'S FAIR.

I MEAN, HE ACTUALLY CAME TO US TO INCLUDE OUR GROUP'S THOUGHTS

IN THE POLYGAMY PRIMER THAT THEY PUT OUT TO ALL THE SOCIAL SERVICE AGENCIES.

HE DOESN'T HAVE AN AXE TO GRIND,

DOESN'T JUST LISTEN TO ALL THE ANTI-POLYGAMIST CRAZIES.

IS THAT A FIVE?

( whispers ) 555-5807.

- ( ringing tone ) - WHAT'S MY COVER?

IT'S AN ANONYMOUS TIP.

- Man: Attorney General's office. - ALAN KENECTLE, PLEASE.

I'll connect you.

- Woman: Polygamy czar. - IS ALAN KENECTLE IN?

What is this regarding?

- UH, MY NAME IS ROBERT ZEEBOLD. - Yes?

I'M HERE IN SALT LAKE. UH, A POLYGAMIST SWINDLED MY MOTHER,

GOT HER TO INVEST IN A LAND SCHEME.

- What polygamist? - ROMAN GRANT.

Hold on a moment.

- THEY SOLICITED YOUR MOTHER? - Don: Yeah, she was told

she was buying shares to a ranch up in Box Elder County.

ALONG WITH 10 OTHERS.

OLD FOLKS.

MAKING 11, TOTAL.

OH, THEY'RE SUING. AND I GUESS I JUST WANTED TO KNOW

IF YOU WERE AWARE OF THAT AND IF YOUR OFFICE, IF--

since your office uh--

SINCE THE ATTORNEY GENERAL INVESTIGATES

UH, CONSUMER FRAUD, AND SINCE YOU'RE A PART OF

AND INVESTIGATE UM, POLYGAMY, COULD YOU DO ANYTHING?

- An investigation or-- - COULD YOU COME DOWN TO OUR OFFICES?

I'd like to sit down with you and uh,

- MAYBE YOU COULD BRING YOUR MOTHER. - ( thumps )

- HMM-- - We've been trying to get

into Juniper Creek forever.

Maybe we could piggyback an investigation.

WHAT FIRM IS REPRESENTING THE CLAIMANTS?

- UH, THE NAME OF HER ATTORNEY? - Yeah.

I'LL HAVE TO GET THAT INFORMATION FROM HER.

COULD I CALL YOU BACK? WHAT'S YOUR DIRECT NUMBER?

OH, WHOA, I DROPPED MY PEN. JUST--

YEAH. OKAY. UH-HUH.

OKAY. ALL RIGHT, GOT IT. THANK YOU, SIR.

YEAH, YOU, YOU HAVE A GREAT DAY, TOO.

- WHEW... - WHOO!

HELLO? ANYBODY HOME?

MARGIE? ANYBODY?

I COULDN'T DECIDE WHERE TO BE.

THIS IS PERFECT.

- ( grunts ) - ( thumps )

( moans, pants )

- ( screams ) - ( thumps )

- IT'S MINE! - MINE!

( wailing )

I HAVE TYLENOL IN THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT.

I NEED SOMETHING STRONGER.

WE STILL HAVE TO GET THE CAR MATS AND THE TOWELS.

WHY CAN'T WE FINISH UP AFTER LUNCH, NICKI?

IT TAKES SO MUCH EFFORT TO LOAD UP THE BOYS IN AND OUT OF THE CAR.

- Wayne: MOM! - TURN THE AIR ON YOUR FACE.

- MAKE HIM STOP! - HEY.

( Lester continues wailing )

I GOTTA GO HOME. I GOTTA LAY DOWN FOR A MINUTE.

WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?

- WHY CAN'T HE GET CAR MATS AT THE STORE? - I SAID, "KNOCK IT OFF."

- WANNA WATCH A MOVIE TONIGHT? - NO.

I GOTTA LEARN TO BE MORE INDEPENDENT.

PLEASE PUT THIS IN YOUR MOUTH.

( soft rock music playing )

COME ON, SAFETY FIRST, GENTLEMEN.

ALWAYS SAFETY FIRST.

STRONG, FULL RELEASED POSITION.

WITH YOUR WOOD IN PLACE...

- TURN ON THE MACHINE. - ( motor starts )

( squeaking )

( throbbing )

- ( motor stops ) - Bill:GREAT, THAT'S JUST GREAT.

- YEAH, I APPRECIATE THE CALL. - BILL.

- YOU BET. BYE. - BILL, WHERE YOU BEEN?

- WE HAVE A PROBLEM. - THAT WAS LEE HATCHER.

LAST GUY CONVICTED OF SELLING BOGUS LAND SALES,

- HE GOT TWO MILLION IN FINES. - WAIT, WAIT,

WE HAVE A PROBLEM.

- MR. HENRICKSON. - WENDY?

COULD I TALK TO YOU FOR A MINUTE?

CERTAINLY.

SHOULD I CLOSE THE DOOR?

THANK YOU. I, I KNOW YOU'RE A BUSY MAN--

PLEASE. NEVER TOO BUSY. COME ON IN.

- WHAT'S ON YOUR MIND? HAVE A SEAT. - THANK YOU.

I'M SORRY.

I'VE REHEARSED THIS IN MY HEAD,

BUT IT'S STILL HARD.

I SAW MR. AND MRS. EMBRY AT APPLEBEE'S ON SATURDAY.

I WAS AT THE SALAD BAR WITH MY MOM WHEN THEY CAME IN

WITH TWO OTHER WOMEN.

- OKAY. - SOMETHING WASN'T RIGHT. SOMETHING...

NOT NATURAL.

I COULD TELL.

SO WHEN THE TWO OTHER LADIES WENT TO THE REST ROOM,

I FOLLOWED THEM. I KNOW IT WAS WRONG,

BUT I HAD TO. THEY WERE TALKING

ABOUT WHOSE TURN IT WAS TO CUT MR. EMBRY'S HAIR.

- I DON'T UNDERSTAND. - THEY'RE POLYGAMISTS.

BUT...

HOW DO YOU KNOW THEY WEREN'T HIS SISTERS?

- YOU HAVE SISTERS, RIGHT? - NOT LIKE THAT.

MAYBE DON'S SISTERS ARE LIKE THAT,

OR THEY'RE-- THEIR AUNTS OR NIECES.

- DID YOU THINK OF THAT? - I KNOW WHAT I SAW.

AND IT'S AGAINST THE CHURCH,

- AND THE LAW. - WENDY...

AS LONG AS THE PEOPLE THAT WORK HERE ARE DOING THEIR JOBS,

WHAT THEY DO IN THEIR BEDROOMS IS NONE OF OUR CONCERN.

NOW...

DON'S ALWAYS TREATED YOU WITH RESPECT

AND IF I'M NOT MISTAKEN, IT WAS PEG THAT HIRED YOU.

AND I CAN TELL YOU UNEQUIVOCALLY,

DON'S NOT WHAT YOU'RE SAYING HE IS.

EVERYONE IN THE HENRICKSON HOME PLUS FAMILY IS TREATED WITH RESPECT.

- HASN'T THAT BEEN YOUR EXPERIENCE? - YES, SIR.

THAT'S RIGHT. SO LET'S GET OFF THIS SUBJECT.

- IT'S VERY UNSAVORY. - BUT I KNOW WHAT I SAW.

WHAT YOU SAW WAS AN ACTION,

BUT YOU DIDN'T NECESSARILY SEE THE LABEL YOU'RE PUTTING ON IT.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

EXACTLY.

THERE YOU ARE.

- ( children singing ) - Alby: WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT?

- YOU DON'T WANT ME TO? - NEVER LOOK ME IN THE EYES WHEN YOU ADDRESS ME.

YOU MAY REFILE THOSE NOW.

sighs ) YEAH, LOOK AT THIS.

- THE NUMBERS ARE PHONY. - Roman: MM-HMM.

IT'S JUST THE DIGEST OF THE NUMBERS, NOT THE NUMBERS THEMSELVES.

EXACTLY. ALBY.

HIS WIVES TELL HIM HE'S A GENIUS.

- HE'S NO GENIUS. - WELL, THIS TELLS YOU NOTHING.

I KNOW.

WHAT I WANTED WAS THE EXACT AUDITED NUMBERS

WITH THE ACCOUNTANT'S OPINION LETTER.

I WANNA KNOW EXACTLY WHAT'S GOING ON

WITH BOTH HOME PLUS STORES.

( singing )

( continues singing )

- WHAT'S THIS? - BEAUTIFUL FLOWERS FOR MY BEAUTIFUL WIVES.

- WHAT? - THAT WAS FUNNY--

WHEN WE SAW EACH OTHER ON CLOVERFIELD AVE.

- YOU WERE DRIVING VERY FAST. - YEAH.

MUST'VE BEEN VERY LATE.

GETTING BACK TO WORK.

I THOUGHT SO.

( chuckles )

( gasps softly )

( sniffs softly )

Pam: YOU GOT YOUR HANDS FULL.

UM...

I NEVER REALLY MOVED IN.

AND EVERYTHING FROM BEFORE...

I HATE. SO...

WHAT ARE YOU WORKING ON?

DON'T JUST STAND THERE. COME ON OVER, I'LL SHOW YOU.

( music box playing )

Pam: I KNOW IT'S A LITTLE OVER THE TOP,

BUT IT RELAXES ME.

IT'S THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THING I'VE EVER SEEN.

HOW MANY CHILDREN DO YOU HAVE?

OH, WE DON'T HAVE.

- ( tires screech ) - Ben: WHOA!

IT'S JUST AN HOUR A DAY AFTER SCHOOL.

- EVERYONE GOES TO SEMINARY. - EVERY MORMON.

- AND I DON'T WANT YOU TO BE ONE. - I JUST-- I HAVE TO.

I DON'T FEEL PURE. I THINK THERE'S SOMETHING INSIDE ME

- THAT SHOULDN'T BE THERE. - NO. YOU'LL GET ALL JUDGMENTAL AND ARROGANT

BECAUSE YOU'RE IN THE PRIESTHOOD. YOU'LL TURN INTO A SNOTTY ASSHOLE

JUST LIKE THE REST OF THEM. SERIOUS, YOU'LL BE LIKE EVERY OTHER MORMON BOY

- I'VE EVER DATED. - I HAVE THESE DREAMS, OKAY?

- I THINK ABOUT SEX ALL THE TIME. - BUT THAT'S GOOD.

NO! I CAN'T CONTROL IT. I GET HARD-ONS IN WOODSHOP.

THEY'LL BRAINWASH YOU,

MAKE YOU THINK YOUR BODY IS DIRTY.

DON'T LET THEM RUIN YOU.

SO... DON'T,

OKAY?

- OKAY. - ( phone rings )

( ringing continues )

- HELLO? - Nicki: Who is this?

- LEVELOR. - WELL, THIS IS NICOLETTE GRANT.

I WANT TO SPEAK TO WANDA HENRICKSON RIGHT NOW.

Nicki: He has been slipping and sliding all over the place.

- all sorts of monkey business. - NICKI, NICKI, SLOW DOWN.

- YOU'RE NOT MAKING ANY SENSE. - HE'S BEEN SO HAPPY.

AND HE SAW ME IN THE CAR AND PRETENDED HE DIDN'T SEE ME.

AND THEN HE GAVE US FLOWERS TO THROW ME OFF THE TRAIL.

- DON'T YOU SEE? - YOU DON'T THINK HE'S--

HE IS. YES, HE IS SEEING A FOURTH WIFE.

THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT HE DID WHEN HE GOT INTERESTED IN MARGENE.

honestly, I knew even before I knew.

- YOU KNOW? - It's so easy to see through them.

They're kind of cute that way.

BUT HE HASN'T TOLD YOU? THAT'S NOT RIGHT.

THE SITUATION IS DELICATE. YOU KNOW BARB--

SHE'S SO RESISTANT TO CHANGE.

OH, HE'S GONNA NEED ME TO SMOOTH THINGS OUT WITH HER.

I'M SO EXCITED, WANDA. ( feet tap )

I'M SO HAPPY FOR US.

- I'm so happy. - THEN I'M HPY FOR YOU.

BARB-- FIRST WIVES THINK THEY KNOW EVERYTHING,

BUT REALLY THEY JUST WALK AROUND IN A FOG.

- ( giggles ) - Anyway, four's a better number.

TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH,

I'M REALLY BORED WITH BARB.

- AND MARGIE. - NICKI, NO.

I AM. BORED, BORED, BORED.

OH, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. BUT DON'T TELL ANYONE.

"AND SINCE OUR FATES WE MAY NOT CONQUER HERE,

DIVIDE THY LOT FROM MINE AND THE STARLIT WORLD ABOVE US,

CALL ME THINE, FOREVER THINE."

THAT'S SO BEAUTIFUL.

YOU'RE A DIAMOND.

- ( knocks ) - Roman: COME IN.

PAPA?

I, UH, I WANTED TO SAY THAT I WAS SORRY.

I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER. BUT I HAVE REDRAFTED

ANOTHER DEMAND LETTER FOR HENRICKSON HOME PLUS, AND THIS TIME

I'LL DO IT RIGHT. I'LL GET THE RIGHT NUMBERS.

IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT, SON.

I GAVE YOU MORE RESPONSIBILITY THAN YOU CAN HANDLE.

YOUR TALENTS LIE ELSEWHERE.

WE ALL HAVE OUR GIFTS.

YOU LET BILL GET THE BETTER OF US.

I CAN GIVE YOU A LIFT HOME.

- ( car engine starts ) -( car leaves )

- I CAN'T DO NUMBERS, EITHER. - SHUT UP!

( screams ) I'M TRYING TO BE NICE!

AND DON'T YOU EVER

RAISE YOUR VOICE TO ME LIKE THAT AGAIN.

( line rings )

( cell phone vibrating )

- Bill: I wanna see you. - Barb:Um, well,

( whispers ) I, I made a date to have lunch

with another teacher.

- Bill: Can you cancel? -All right.

- How soon? -45 minutes.

- I've got a place in mind. -Where?

ANY LUGGAGE?

( knocks )

OH.

( bag thumps )

- Barb: WHAT ARE WE DOING? - WHAT DO YOU THINK?

WE'RE HAVING AN AFFAIR.

WELL, TECHNICALLY,

HOW CAN IT BE AN AFFAIR? WE'RE MARRIED.

( chuckles )

- WHAT IS IT? - MY NECKLACE--

- I LOST MY NECKLACE. - DON'T WORRY, WE'LL FIND IT. HEY...

WHAT?

YOU'LL SEE.

MM-HMM...

READY?

- ( romantic ballad plays ) - REMEMBER?

( ballad continues )

- Barb: HURRY. - ( laughs )

- HEY, BOSS. - YOU HEARD FROM THE AG?

I DIDN'T, BUT ROBERT ZEEBOLD DID.

- THEY NEED THAT ATTORNEY. - THIS IS GREAT.

( cell phone rings )

- HEY. - HI, IT'S ME.

I JUST WANTED YOU TO KNOW, I'M NOT STUPID.

You don't have to keep secrets from me.

That's not the way this family works.

You can talk to me.

I'M HAPPY TO HELP IN ANY WAY I CAN.

DO YOU WANT ME TO BE THE ONE TO BREAK THE NEWS?

CAN YOU BE A LITTLE MORE SPECIFIC?

FINE. ( chuckles )

IF THAT'S HOW YOU WANNA PLAY IT.

( thumps )

( toilet flushes )

I THINK WHAT YOU'RE DOING IS WRONG.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT, WENDY.

YOU DO KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

I'M SORRY WENDY, BUT I DON'T.

IS EVERYTHING OKAY? IS THERE SOMETHING YOU WANNA SAY?

I'VE GOT MY EYE ON YOU.

AND I KNOW MY RIGHTS.

YOU CAN'T FIRE ME OR GET ME FIRED

FOR DOING AND SAYING WHAT I KNOW IS RIGHT.

NOW WHY WOULD I WANNA GO AND DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT?

YOU'RE THE BEST LITTLE JUNIOR BOOKKEEPER WE'VE EVER HAD.

( vacuum motor stops )

THERE'S A PROBLEM.

- WHAT? - LOOK OUT THE WINDOW.

JUST LOOK.

UH, IT'S NOT THAT YOU CAN'T SEE HER.

I WOULD NEVER TELL YOU WHO YOUR FRIENDS CAN BE,

BUT WE HAVE TO BE CAREFUL, SO CAREFUL NOW, WITH THE SECOND STORE.

- I AM. - I KNOW YOU ARE.

OKAY, THEN.

YOU'RE THE WEAK LINK, MARGIE.

- WHAT? - WE HAVE TO BE REALISTIC.

YOU CAN'T KEEP A SECRET LIKE ME, AND YOU'RE NOT A GOOD LIAR LIKE BARB.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN I'M A GOOD LIAR?

WITH THE NEIGHBORS. YOU'RE SO EFFORTLESS.

YOU'RE A PRO.

( sighs )

( cartoon theme playing )

- HEY, GOOD MORNING. - GOOD MORNING.

DID YOU AND BILL HAVE RELATIONS BEFORE HE BROUGHT YOU HOME TO US TO BE A WIFE?

NO, NICKI!

AND I THINK THAT IS COMPLETELY NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!

( lowers voice ) IS IT?

LOOK ME IN THE EYES, MARGENE.

I AM NOT GONNA DO THE LOOK-ME-IN-THE-EYE THING.

LOOK ME IN THE EYE.

I THOUGHT AS MUCH. HOW COULD YOU?

( screams ) NO, NICKI!

YOU THINK YOU KNOW EVERYTHING?

YOU LOOK ME IN THE EYE FOR ONCE, HMM?

YOU LOOK ME IN THE EYE.

LOOK ME IN THE EYE! I'M LOOKING AT YOU WITH MY EYES!

( doorbell rings )

I BROUGHT YOU SOME DESIGN BOOKS.

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

MAKE SURE YOU LOOK AT THAT FENG SHUI ONE. I KNOW IT SEEMS LOONY

BUT I'M TELLING YOU, IT WORKS.

UM, DO YOU WANNA COME IN?

I'D LOVE TO. THANKS.

THIS IS GREAT. YOU CAN DO A LOT WITH THIS PLACE.

- ( Aaron coos ) - AARON.

I'M SORRY. HE JUST DISCOVERED HIS PENIS.

- DON'T THEY ALL? - ( chuckles )

WHAT A PRECIOUS ANGEL.

- WHERE'S DADDY? - GONE.

OH, LISTEN TO ME, BARGING IN,

- ASKING PERSONAL QUESTIONS. - NO, NO, NO, NO.

I'M SO GLAD YOU'RE HERE. I KNOW WE JUST MET,

- BUT I REALLY LIKE YOU. - I KNOW.

- DO YOU LIKE ORANGE JUICE? - WHO DOESN'T?

YEAH.

MY NAME IS BEN HENRICKSON. I LIVE WITH MY TWO SISTERS,

MY MOM AND DAD. HENRICKSON HOME PLUS.

- ANYONE? - ( all laugh )

- ANYONE OTHER THAN JASON? - ( all laugh )

OKAY, THANK YOU, BEN,

AND WELCOME TO SEMINARY, YOUNG MAN.

CONGRATULATIONS.

- YOU'VE CHOSEN THE RIGHT. -( all laugh )

Bill, it's Joey. How are you?

- DIDN'T RECOGNIZE THE NUMBER. - I finally got us a cell phone.

I have the name of the attorney you wanted on the lawsuit.

JOSEPH BREEDMAN. HE LIVES IN LOGAN.

JOEY, YOU ARE SUNSHINE ON A CLOUDY DAY.

- OH, WELL-- - HOW'D YOU GET THE NAME?

UM, DAD. THINKS HE'S CAGEY,

But he's a blowhard. Just gotta get him

in a windbag kind of mood, I guess.

YOU WANT THE ADDRESS AND NAME OF THIS GUY AND STUFF?

- Yeah, shoot. - OKAY.

JOSEPH BREEDMAN...

LOGAN, 3000 PARKLAND WAY,

Suite 151.

YOU SURE YOU DON'T NEED ANYTHING DOWN THERE? A CEILING FAN, WHATEVER?

NO, WE'RE GREAT. WE'RE HAPPY.

UH, WANDA SAYS BIG THINGS ARE HAPPENING UP THERE, THOUGH.

- SAY WHAT? - Going for your number four, huh?

- WHAT? - WIFE, FOURTH WIFE.

( laughs ) WHAT?!

( whistling )

NICKI?

I HAVE TO SPEAK TO YOU.

- ( Sarah clears throat ) - ALONE.

I'M GONE.

- Barb: AHEM. - BARB, I DIDN'T WANNA BRING YOU INTO THIS.

AND I'M NOT SURE BILL WANTS YOU TO KNOW, ACTUALLY.

BUT SOMETHING'S CHANGED.

BILL IS DATING SOMEONE, A FOURTH WIFE.

- OH BARB, THERE'S NO TIME FOR THAT NOW. - BUT, I DON'T--

- ARE YOU SURE? I DON'T THINK SO. - I DO.

AND MAY I SAY, SHE IS CERTAINLY NOT THE KIND OF FOUH WIFE WE WOULD WANT.

- HE'S HAVING RELATIONS WITH HER. - WHAT?

WELL, HE IS SUSCEPTIBLE.

I HAPPEN TO KNOW FOR A FACT

THAT HE HAD RELATIONS PREMARITALLY WITH ONE OF US.

AND I'M NOT NAMING NAMES, BUT IT WASN'T ME

AND IT CERTAINLY WASN'T YOU. IT WAS MARGE, AND IT'S NOT RIGHT.

HMM, HMM, MAYBE IT IS TRUE,

BUT WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE NOW?

WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO WITH THIS INFORMATION?

WELL WE HAVE TO STOP HIM. SIT HIM DOWN.

OF COURSE WE HAVE TO FIND OUT WHO IT IS,

WHO'S BRINGING THIS SIN INTO OUR HOUSE.

OBVIOUSLY IT'S NOT SOMEONE FROM THE COMPOUND.

WELL, OBVIOUSLY-- YEAH.

DO YOU LIKE FIELDS MARKET?

THERE'S ALWAYS GOOD COUPONS IN THE CIRCULAR

- AND THE PRODUCE ALWAYS SEEMS SO CRISP AND FRESH. - YES, IT IS.

I WAS JUST NEXT DOOR.

ISN'T IT TERRIBLE WHAT HAPPENED TO MARGENE'S HUSBAND?

THE GULF WAR--

TOO MANY LIVES, SUCH A SHAME.

WELL, I GUESS THAT'S ALL WARS, ISN'T IT?

MARGIE, MARGIE, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?

SHE LENT ME SOME DESIGN BOOKS.

YOU CAN'T JUST RUN AROUND SAYING WHATEVER IT IS

- THAT POPS INTO YOUR HEAD. - NO!

I'VE THOUGHT ABOUT IT A LOT.

AND I DON'T LIKE THAT UNWED MOTHER STORY YOU TELL ABOUT ME.

- ( baby coos ) - I NEVER SAY YOU'RE UNWED. I SAY YOU'RE PRESENTLY SINGLE.

BUT I DON'T LIKE THAT, EITHER. AND ANYWAY, YOU'RE THE ONE

- THAT TOLD ME TO GET A LIFE. - ALL RIGHT, YOU ARE PUTTING YOUR FAMILY AT RISK.

- ( baby coos ) - I DON'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS ANY MORE.

I KNOW HOW ISOLATING IT CAN BE,

BUT UH--

THAT'S A SACRIFICE WE MAKE.

WE HAVE TO STICK WITH IT, NO MATTER HOW LONELY IT CAN BE

BECAUSE THERE N'T ANYTHING ELSE THAT CAN BRING US THESE REWARDS.

THIS IS UM--

THIS IS IT.

AND SWEETHEART, THE GULF WAR WAS 15 YEARS AGO.

( Bill and kids chatting )

LET ME SEE, LET ME SEE. ALL RIGHT, LET ME SEE...

ONE, TWO, THREE...

- HEY, I GOT SOMETHING. - WHAT DO YOU GOT?

( chattering continues )

"MANY ELEMENTS GO INTO MAKING A GREAT ROOM.

THE MOST IMPORTANT IS COLOR."

( coos )

( phone rings )

Bill: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

( sighs )

NOTHING.

( sighs ) I CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT YOU.

ME, TOO.

THINKING ABOUT YOU.

MEET ME IN A HALF AN HOUR?

I DON'T THINK I CAN, BILL. I-- WE CAN'T DO THIS.

I NEED YOU. I FEEL LIKE I'M DROWNING,

LIKE I CAN'T CATCH MY BREATH.

- ( sighs ) - I'm going to the white birch.

I'LL WAIT A HALF AN HOUR. IF YOU DON'T SHOW UP, I'LL UNDERSTAND.

- Bill: I'LL MEET YOU IN A HALF AN HOUR. -( phone beeps )

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

( chuckles ) TO THE OFFICE. ALWAYS SOMETHING.

BE BACK SOON.

( phone beeps, line ringing )

Sarah: Hello?

- SARAH? - NICKI?

DO YOU WANT MOM?

- YES. - She just took off.

ARE YOU STILL THERE?

- WHERE'D SHE GO? - I don't know.

She was all giddy and gross, though.

SHE WANTED TO BORROW SOME LIP GLOSS.

( guests chattering )

( chatter fades )

Man on TV: We have a beautiful...

...straight out of Africa,

retails at 699.99.

- In less than a minute, we have it here today... -( thumps )

- ...at 199.99. -( dogs barng )

I can't believe this price--

199.99.

This is a once-in-a-lifetime--

( barking resumes )

Sarah: NICKI! NICKI, COME QUICK!

NICKI!

- WHERE'S DAD? - HE'S AT THE OFFICE. WHAT HAPPENED?

THERE'S A MAN! HE WENT AROUND FRONT.

ALL RIGHT, STAY HERE, CALL MARGENE,

AND GET THE BABIES OVER HERE, OKAY?

- ( shower running ) -( Bill humming )

( cell phone rings )

- WHERE'S BILL? - HE'S SLEEPING.

- WAKE HIM. - TALK TO ME, ALBY.

- WHAT DO YOU NEED? - I DO NEED SOMETHING.

I WANNA TALK TO MR. CLEVER.

- TRIED TO PUT ONE OVER ON ME. - NICKI?

EVERYTHING'S ALL RIGHT, BENNY.

LOOK BENNY, GO NEXT DOOR, GO TO MY HOUSE.

HEY BENNY, WHAT'S UP?

GO AWAY, GET OUT OF HERE.

I'LL HAVE PAPA COME DOWN ON YOU LIKE A TON OF BRICKS.

YOU? YOU WERE A NOTHING TILL YOU MARRIED BILL.

A NOTHING OF NO EARTHLY CONSEQUENCE.

NOW LOOK AT YOU, STRUTTING AROUND LIKE MRS. HOME PLUS.

BILL TOOK YOU IN TO GET A LOAN FROM PAPA.

DON'T YOU KNOW THAT?

YOU'RE JUST COLLATERAL.

DON'T THINK, ALBY. IT'S NOT WHAT YOU'RE GOOD AT.

ROUGHING UP TEENAGERS AND SCARING WOMEN IS WHAT YOU DO.

( sniffs )

WANNA SHOW ME WHAT YOU'RE MADE OF?

YOU CAN'T DO IT, CAN YOU?

TAKE YOUR ONE TESTICLE AND FLY BACK TO YOUR CAVE.

YOU EVER SHOW UP HERE AGAIN AND HARASS THIS FAMILY,

I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL KILL YOU!

Nicki: MY DAD DIDN'T SEND HIM.

ALBY'S JUST-- HE'S JUST A LOOSE CANNON THAT WAY.

Ben: SHE WAS REALLY COOL.

HMM. I'M JUST THANKFUL EVERYONE IS SAFE.

ALL RIGHT. LET'S ALL GO TO BED.

OH, THERE'S SOMETHING I WANNA SAY TO EVERYONE.

I WANNA BRING ANOTHER SOUL INTO THE FAMILY.

- NICKI. - IT'S TIME.

WE'VE BEEN HOLDING OFF FOR THIS REASON OR THAT.

IT'S TIME, NOW.

WE'VE LET WORLDLY CONCERNS COME BEFORE WHAT WE'RE HERE FOR--

- NICKI. - WHAT OUR PURPOSE IS.

Bill: HONEY.

- I'M SO HAPPY. - ( Nicki chuckles )

AS YOUR HUSBAND, FATHER-TO-BE

AND MEMBER OF OUR HOLY FAMILY.

CONGRATULATIONS, NICKI.

- I LOVE YOU, NICKI. - I LOVE YOU TOO, BARB.

I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH.

Margene: A BABY.

Teenie: A SISTER.

( instrumental music plays )