Original subtitles

TEEN TALK

Captain Dick Jackman, live with a very special event here in Highland High.

Principal McVicker, tell us what we're about to see.

To promote this year's food drive,

our National Honor Society has glued together some canned goods

to spell the word "cares".

right under the Highland High name.

"Highland High cares". Isn't that wonderful?

Let's take a look, principal.

HIGHLAND HIGH SCHOOL SUKS

What the...? Well, back to you, Britney.

I would like nothing more than to kill you both with my bare hands!

But I'm forced to give you a choice.

Either you stay after school for a week,

removing asbestos from the cafeteria,

or you go on "Teen Talk" with Captain Dick Jackman and confess.

Is that, like, on TV?

He makes all the parents in town feel better about their own kids

by publicly humiliating losers like you.

We're gonna be on TV!

This is gonna be cool.

Whoa! They turned that dude into, like, a guitar or something!

If I'd turn myself into an instrument,

I'd be an M-80.

- That's not an instrument, Beavis. - No way, Butt-Head.

My music teacher told me you can make an instrument out of anything.

So I'd be like, you know, an M-80 or a chainsaw.

Okay, Beavis.

That's weird!

Cool!

Some of the guys in this band, it's like, they just look like regular guys.

And they're old.

Like, if you saw that drummer, like, in a grocery store,

you'd just like, probably just walk right past him.

Or you'd say like:

"The light beer is over in aisle 14a, sir".

And then he'd say: thank you young man.

I bet when that drummer dude is like, drinking beer with his friends...

he like, bogarts all the beer.

And they'd like: "Don't bogart it dude!" And he'd like:

"No way! No way! I'm in Cheap Trick.

And I'll drink all the beer I want! Get out of here!"

He's pretty cool.

I might knock back a few beers later.

You never had a beer, dumbass.

Oh yeah! I mean later like, you know, in a few years...

All right, listen up!

If you're here to wise off on TV for your dropout friends watching at home,

remember that you signed a piece of paper

giving me legal right to kick your asses and sue you in court.

Now, everybody smile and lots of energy, okay?

Hi, I'm Lolita, and this here is Tanqueray.

Hey Beavis... check this out.

He, baby...

You're pretty hot.

You should, like, be on a video or something.

I am on a video.

Like, I wouldn't be here if my principal hadn't rented it.

From the home of the Channel 4 News Centre,

it's "Teen Talk" with Captain Dick Jackman.

Hey kids. Welcome aboard Teen Talk. I'm Captain Dick Jackman.

And, as always, at 6:30 Sunday morning

I trade in my weather-casting gear to rap with young people about

what's going down in their world.

Hi.

- You're cute, sugar-britches. - Let's talk about parents.

Any of you guys ever gotten real, real mad at your folks?

- It's okay to admit feelings of anger. - Well, Captain Dick,

I guess we never got along too good.

My dad beat me up a lot, and my mom, like, ran off...

How about you?

What do your parents do that makes you really, really mad?

This is boring.

Y'all want to go down behind the risers and make out or something?

I don't care if they're pre-schoolers.

They can kiss my ass if they think I'm gonna wear an Easter Bunny suit!

Dick, you're on!

Captain Dick Jackman here, hanging with my homepersons on Teen Talk.

Today, we're gonna rap about vandalism.

Hey y'all. Hurry up, before we stop being horny.

Hey Beavis, I think we're really gonna get some.

On TV.

Hey guys, no talking without sharing. Let me ask you...

have you ever wanted to just break something?

Yeah, yeah. I like to break stuff.

- No sir. Can we go? - Hey, not so fast, young man.

I just want all our young friends here to listen up.

You've had destructive impulses, right?

- No. - Yeah, no. No. We're gonna score.

You heard that, kids?

These young folks are saying down with destruction and up with cooperation.

Right on, guys.

Hey Butt-Head, someone, like, stole our women.

Hey, my man, don't you wanna be cool and positive like these guys?

That sucks!

Yeah. It doesn't just suck, Butt-Head. It's like... It's like, it really sucks!

If we, like, never score, we're gonna be wussies! Forever! And it's gonna suck!

- Settle down, Beavis. - No, no, Butt-Head!

No, I can't settle down! It's not fair! We're not gonna score!

It's like, we'll get cars, and like, we'll have, like, a job, and we'll like, have to go, like,

like, mow lawns and, and like...

scrub the grill, and we're not gonna score! Ever!

I warned you about that! Don't make me come up there!

Shut up, asswipe! You probably score, and you're a dork!

- I'm never gonna score! - You little...

Whoa! This is cool.

I feel like such an ass.

Yeah. I feel like an ass too. Beavis...

go out and get me an ass, please.

Okay. Would you like some boobs to go with that?

What was that?

- What's going on?! - You wuss.

That was just a chick screaming.

They should like, warn you if they're gonna do that crap. Dammit!

This song is about, like, this chick doing it with some other chick's boyfriend.

- Yeah, yeah. That's pretty harsh. - Yeah.

So like, this chick will like, only do you if you already have a girlfriend?

A lot of chicks are like that. They don't wanna go out

with you unless you already have a girlfriend but like,

you can't get a girlfriend because, like, you don't have a girlfriend, so like...

It's like... struss-frating.

Dammit, what's going on here? This chick is talking.

Is this a commercial or a video?

- What is this?! - Beavis, just shut up, and like,

free your mind or something!

I wanna know what it is, it's like, I can't pay attention to this!

Dammit Beavis! Can't you just like, cool out and listen?

Dammit Butt-Head, what kind of crap are you talking? You sound like a damn hippie!

Beavis, I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear that.

I'm not gonna smack you today.

REMOVAL-DANGER ASBESTOS

Damn it, Beavis! I'm sick and tired of never getting any.

Yeah. Me too.

Hey Beavis,

I bet we're gonna score now 'cause we were, like, on TV.

Oh yeah. Chicks are cool.

Hey Beavis. This song is about a boner.

Oh yeah, yeah! It's about a bad boner, isn't it?

There's no such thing as a "bad boner", Beavis.

Oh yeah, yeah.

No, wait a minute, Butt-Head, I had a bad boner once.

That's when I had the chicken pox, and I had my hands duct taped.

That sucked.

Oh yeah.

I'm sorry. I stand corrected.

Hey Butt-Head, sometimes when I play pool...

like, when nobody's looking, I like to take that blue chalk,

and like... like, chalk up the end of my wiener.

It's pretty cool.

Yeah. That's cool.

Doesn't that, like, hurt, though?

Yeah, but, you know, no pain, no gain.

Hey check it out, it's one of those magic 8-balls.

You like, ask one of those things a question,

and you shake it up, and it tells you the answer.

Yeah.

We should ask it:

"Does this video suck?"

Signs point to yes.

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