Original subtitles

SPERM BANK

Do you wanna meet beautiful women?

- Uh huh. - Yeah.

Do you want to go out with beautiful women?

Yeah.

Well, you will never feel comfortable asking them out

if your hemorrhoids are bothering you!

That's right. If you wanna get women

you gotta do something for those darn hemorrhoids!

...to find out the answers to these questions

we tracked down Rod Johnson, the president of the sperm bank.

- Mr. Johnson? - I'll be right out!

It's no use trying to dodge me, Mr. Johnson...

I demand to know where your company is getting the sperm!

Say, what's taking you so long? What are you doing in there?

Nothing! Nothing at all! Why do you ask?

Look, I'll be out in a minute! Just give me another minute in here!

- I've got customers coming in! - Cool! We could do that!

We're there, dude.

Check it out, it's those "brain" shrimps.

No, those are sea monkeys.

Sea monkeys are cool.

Can you spank a sea monkey?

Whoa.

Is that his sphinxter?

- I can do that. - No way.

Check this out.

Is this, like, magic?

Yeah.

- Yes! - Yeah, yeah.

Pantera kicks everybody's ass.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Keep singing, Butt-Head, that was pretty good. Come on, do it again.

Okay.

Yeah, yeah.

Right on, man!

Rock!

Yeah.

- This singer looks pretty mean. - Yeah.

- Do you think he gets all the chicks? - Probably not.

- I bet he, like, scares chicks. - Yeah, yeah.

The only thing cooler than bands that get lots of chicks

- are bands that scare chicks. - Yeah.

- Yes? - We'd like to...

We're here to...

You tell her, dude.

Are you here to sell sperm?

Please follow me.

We're only interested in those potential donors

whose cognitive skills are the highest caliber.

Well gentlemen, go to work.

- On your tests! - Oh.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Nurse, the test tubes holding our entire stack of sperm have been destroyed!

I need new speciments right away!

Well, their tests should be finished in a few hours, doctor.

There's no time for that! I've got clients with me right now!

I want your sperm!

There's more where that came from.

- Where's your container? - I was supposed to use a container?

There's really nothing to be ashamed of, sir.

Sometimes nature just needs a little helping hand, that's all.

As we gentlemen get older, certain of our...

capabilities decline...

and well, occasionally it makes sense to turn

to members of the younger generation for...

assistance.

And what a great deal of assistance they can offer us!

It's not that he is infertile. We have a son, Stewart.

It's just that ever since Stewart was born, my husband

is having a little bit of form, you know... trouble, you know...

I see. Well, if you're concerned about quality,

we have a rigorous intelligence test that all our sperm donors must pass,

and I can assure you that the individuals who contribuite at the sperm

are among the very smartest we've ever encountered here

at Stork in the Bottle sperm bank.

Maybe we need to do that with two hands.

- You kids are gonna pay for those! - No problem, dude.

You want cash, or should we just go spank the monkey again?

Yeah.

What the hell?

These are the boy geniuses you were talking about?

What's so funny, you little twerps? I'll spank your monkeys!

Hey, Beavis...

What?

He's fallen and he can't get it up.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

What kind of music is this?

This is music for people who, like... don't have any friends.

Yeah.

If you, like, go buy this album and play it

all your friends will leave.

Yeah.

Except, that's what I was trying to say...

If you like this kind of music you don't have any friends to begin with. See?

That was the point I was trying to make before, Butt-Head.

Okay.

Peek-A-Boo!

Hey Beavis, have you ever played Peek-A-Boo with your wiener?

Yeah.

Peek-A-Boo!

Peek-A-Boo!

How does this chick ever expect to sell records without cleavage?

Yeah.

I like to buy albums that have lots of cleavage on 'em.

That's cool.

Bummer! We really had a good thing going...

- plus we were getting paid for it. - At least we got some money.

Hey.

- We could spend it! - On what?

I don't know.

We could buy magazines.

- Why? - Dirty magazines?

Oh.

Cool.

Well, what would it be?

All right then, I'll just point to a magazine and you boys nod if you want it.

You dillweed!

You dillhole!

- Monkey spank! - Turdwipe!

Waste of bumwipe.

You...

Butthole!

You butt... head!

I mean... buttwipe!

- Parades suck. - Yeah, yeah.

But I like it when the horses take a big dump in the street

and the marching band has to walk through it!

Yeah.

That's kind of cool!

Yeah.

- The Chili Peppers rule! - Yeah, yeah.

Especially Flea.

- Flea kicks ass! - Yeah, yeah.

Anthony... Anthony Krokus, he is cool too.

Is not Anthony Krokus, dumbass!

His name is like, Anthony...

It's like, something else.

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