Original subtitles

Til death is filmed in front of a life studio audience.

"We the jury find the defendent guilty as charged"

"he didn't do it. Pleas, don't take my husband from me"

"******"

Give me your soda in there

"****"

was this diet?

"Order*******"

"********"

I know that judge's voice from somewhere

Like a commercial or so

"We'll wait for you"

This is killing me. I know...

The guy from phone commercial.

"Are you satisfied with your long distance carrier?"

And now he's doing this huh. Good for him.

"Tell my son, his dady is a good man."

"Dady dady, don't go."

Ok I get to tell you********

Ok Joy, can you just tell me what I did wrong?

I don't know Eddie, why don't YOU tell me what you did wrong

Is it because I was checking out that **** ticket girl

because it wasn't my fault, she was just exploding out that red blazer

you checked out that ticket girl?

See this is why I don't like guessing.

Ok, you know what, fine, I will tell you.

I was trying to enjoy that movie but I couldn't

because every emotional moment, all I can hear was "Joy Joy Joy Joy"

"Isn't that the guy from that Eglish muffin commercial?"

Let me tell you something, you were enjoying yourself just fine

and you look how is that

I wasn't the only one crying you know

There wasn't a dry eye in that theatre Except for the two in your gigantic head.

Oh, please.

Let me tell you something, crying is a scam.

It's a bogus emotion created by the tissue industry so they could make a quick buck.

And you're falling for it hook, line, and sinker.

That woman was ripped from her husband while holding her baby.

Did that not affect you at all?

No. Because it wasn't really happening.

It's make believe!

Whatever.

At least i'm capable of feeling emotion.

I feel emotion, just not about stupid movies.

No.This isn't just about the movie.

This is about important stuff, too.

You would rather make a joke or a snarky comment

than giving to a moment of honest feeling

I'm beginning to think you have a real problem with this budy

I do not have a problem.

All right. You know what?

I have been thinking about this for a while now.

You know my friend roberta down the street?

You know I don'T.

She and her husband went to this weekend retreat.

All r-right.

- I'm gonna stop you right there. - No.Eddie, hear me out on this.

It's called the living, loving, sharing workshop.

Ok, look, if I cry right now, could we end this?

Let's go.

Just knee me in the groin.

Eddie, we can do this together.

You can get a little more in touch with yourself.

We can work on our relationship.

I'm happy with our relationship the way it is, joy.

I like our relationship, too, but don't you want to make our marriage better?

It just seems like a lot of work.

Look.

Don't you think that we've earned the right to take our foot off the accelerator

and just coast to the end of this thing?

So because I didn't cry at this stupid movie, she's all pissed at me.

Really? What was it about?

I don't know.It's about this guy.

He marries his high-school sweetheart,

and then he ends up getting thrown in jail for life for a crime he didn't even commit.

So now you have this innocent man who's being dragged away from his wife.

And then he realizes he won't be able to see his little boy grow up.

I'm sorry.Are you crying at the recap of the movie I saw?

You know, just because I'm a little emotional right now,

it doesn't mean i'm not a man.

It kind of does.

You know what, I'm very confident in my masculinity.

Oh, great.

You and your braided belt are really kicking the world's ass.

Do you believe this guy?

I've been known to shed a tear or two.

Really?

What, you think i'm a robot, that I got no feelings?

No.

It's just that i don't cry.

What are you, a robot, you got no feelings?

All right.You know, this is ridiculous.

I'm gonna put an end to it.

Hey, big sammy, get your fat ass over here.

What's the problem, eddie?

Well,I'm trying to get a man's opinion at this restaurant,

and I couldn't find one at my table,

so I thought maybe you could set the record straight

and let these guys know that real men like us don't cry.

I'm a woman.

Really?

It says "samantha" right here on my name tag.

Oh, wow.

I'll be-- I'll be damned.

I'm just thinking of all those times i always asked you how they're hanging.

I thought you were talking about my breasts.

It's a woman.

- Hey. - Hey, hon.How was work?

It was great.

How was, uh.

Waiting for me to come home from work?

Pretty rough.

I napped all day, and yet I'm still tired.

Isn't it weird when that happens?

So how's the outside world?

What are people who got dressed today talking about?

Well, uh,at lunch today, eddie was talking about how he doesn't cry.

Not mr.Emotional, that one.

I guess that's not something you got to worry about, huh?

I sure don'T.

That sounded like you got some sort of problem with me crying.

Hey, hey!

Do you have some sort of problem with me crying?

Here's the thing, sweetie.

When a woman sees her man getting emotional,

she wants to be like,"oh, my god.

I can't believe my husband is crying,"

not,"oh, my god.

I can't believe my husband is crying.

Again.

"Steph, if you really felt this way, why didn't you say something sooner?

Honestly.

I thought I would make you cry.

Joy, did you know that big sammy at the cheese steak place

- was - a woman, yeah.

Huh.I am late to this party.

So what you doing there, my lady?

Sit.Shut.

I have put together a little film festival featuring important moments from our life

that will confirm the fact that you are and always have been an emotionless jackass.

Exhibit a,"" our wedding."

Ok, here we go.

Damn.I look hot.

I do, too.I'm delicious.

The vows I make to you now i started a long time ago.

Today I just promise to keep them forever.

Whoa.Someone hit the open bar a little early.

What?

Can't you see that I am bawling up there and you're feeling nothing?

Excuse me for not crying at our wedding.

It's just that the true sadness of that day didn't hit me until right now.

Ok.

And now another eddie stark classic.

It's a girl.

She's so beautiful.

I love her so much.

Mr.Stark, would you like to cut the umbilical cord?

Hey, I don't mind if I do, doc.

Now, when I do this,

she's not gonna deflate and fly around the room like a balloon, is she?

- Hey. - Hey, kenny.

What are you guys watching,"aliens"?

No.That would be the birth of our daughter.

Ready to roll, big man?

Where are we going?

Today's saturday.You're taking me for ice cream.

Oh, yeah.

I'm sorry, kenny.I'm just not in the mood today.

Not in the mood for ice cream?

What's wrong, sad clown?

Well, we've just unequivocally proven that I have no feelings whatsoever.

No.You feel very deeply.

You just keep it all bottled up inside.

You just need to peel off that tough, hairy pelt

and get to the fragile little boy that's inside of you.

Come on, big man.

Let me peel off that pelt.

We're gonna leave the pelt.

What, do you think i can't do it?

I'll make you cry.

I'm make you cry right now.

I came this close to getting montel's job.

Come on, big man.

We got to get you somewhere sad, a sad place, a sad memory.

Your parents still alive?

Sadly, yes.

Did anybody close to you die in an untimely fashion?

Well,I-- I did have a second cousin who died.

Good! That's terrible.What happened?

Choked on a rib eye.

And how does that make you feel?

Well, it makes me feel like carefully eating a rib eye.

How about childhood?

Did kids make fun of you?

Any hurtful nicknames?

Well, I was teased quite a bit.

About your moles?

No.

Uneven eyebrows?

What? No!

That your bottom teeth are a lot bigger than your top teeth?

I was tall.I was freakishly tall.

And what did the kids call you?

Buttface.

Buttface?

And what does that have to do with being tall?

Well, I brought that to their attention, but they didn't seem to care.

They were pretty locked in on "buttface.

Ok.Ok.We're getting somewhere now.Ok.

Now I want you to take me back

to the first time that they called you little-tooth buttface.

It was just buttface."

I'm sorry.Go ahead.Go ahead.

All right.I was on the playground.

And the other kids were on the swings.

And I was kind of sitting alone.

- You were all alone? - Yup.

I wasn't allowed on the swings.

The teacher said that my dragging feet carved dangerous trenches

that imperiled the safety of-- and I'm quoting-- "normal children."

That's messed up.

So then what happened?

Well, I was feeling kind of bad,

and this girl, charlotte scrowvan, came over to me.

I kind of had a little crush on her.

I thought she was gonna ask me to play.

But instead, she called me buttface.

And then she pointed out that one of my nuggets was hanging out of my shorts.

Ooh, snap.

And from that day on, nothing was the same.

Are you feeling it now, big man? Huh?

Is it coming out of you now?

Is it boiling up inside of you and coming out?

Is it coming out of you now?!

Sorry, montel.I got nothing.

We can sit right here, all right?

Babe, I want to thank you for coming up here.

This weekend, I think it's going to be great for you and it's going to be great for us.

Yeah, yeah, sure.

I'm just still a little uncertain as to why I'm wearing a linen sundress.

Just hush.

Intimacy.

Let's break that word down, shall we?

Into me, I see."

This workshop is about becoming more intimate with yourself, your emotions

so that you can then become intimate with others.

Hi.

I am dr.Connie friedman and this is my partner and lover,

beatrice feldman freidman.

I see that some of you are surprised that I have taken a lover 20 years my senior,

but age is no obstacle when true intimacy is achieved.

It's all here in my book--"intimacy achieved"

and its companion piece-- "intimacy achieved: The workbook."

"On sale today,$20 for the book, $18 for the workbook,

and one time only,38 bucks for the whole shebang.

And now.

Let us all get connected with our inner shakhta bashkas.

In order to learn how to express our innermost feelings,

I am going to ask you to attempt to communicate without the crutch of language.

We swear by this technique, beatrice and I.

We don't use words on sunday.

But now I want you to have an exchange with your partner using only primal sounds.

Excuse me.How will we know what the conversation is about?

Indeed.

And begin.

In order to truly communicate as a couple,

you need to literally be able to complete each other's sentences.

I want you to take turns saying one word at a time,

together forming one sentence, one thought, one unified story.

And connect!

I.

Steak.

What kind of sentence is that, I steak""?"

It's never gonna be a sentence.

Oh, ok.I'm sorry.

- Try again. - Ok.

I.

Sandwich.

Look.I'm sorry.

It's just they gave us a glorified snack for lunch.

I'm starving here.

He's just getting warmed up.

We are just about to hit our stride here.

Honey, why don't you start?

- Ok. - Ok.

Me.

Eddie, what sentence begins with "me"?

Me tarzan.

You joy.

Huh?

Hey, rich, linda,

I wanted to tell you how moved I was by your dance of unspoken secrets.

It was great.

Hey, beatrice.How you doing?

Ok!

Uh, uh,dr.Friedman,

I just want to tell you my husband and i are getting so much out of this.

We appreciate all you do,

- and we can't wait to just dive in - you know what?

I'm on a break.

I got to tell you, my weird-o-meter is at 11.

You just got to relax.

Trust the process.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

Well,I'm pretty sure that beatrice is drugged and being held against her will.

And, um,so I guess i realized that I cannot cry.

I mean, I know i have feelings,

I just think that they're, you know, deep inside.

Are you proud of your husband for admitting that?

I am.

And do you realize this is entirely your fault?

I'm sorry.What?

You have clearly failed to create a safe space for your spouse.

You are clearly able to cry in front of him because he has created a safe space for you,

but you have not returned the favor.

I think it is time for you to have a seat on the ball of culpability.

Beatrice?

I'm not sitting on your damn sweaty ball.

I think now would be the perfect time for all the couples in the room to reestablish intimacy

by sharing in a sustained, passionate open-mouth kiss.

Very wide.

Drop the jaw.

And go.

Obviously, you two are not connected at all.

What happened? Why? Why are you both so broken?

Broken?

I think we're doing just fine, ms. Shasta baska z--zulu.

We don't have to suck face in public to prove anything to you people.

That's right.

You want to see unhappy?

Why don't you just look into beatrice's dead eyes?

My husband and I are plenty connected, plenty.

Plenty.

Watch this.

- Honey, please, if you would. - Ok.

Sit there.

What are we doing?

I

love

you

the

way

you

are.

This

is

A

load

of

crap.

- Let's - get

the

hell

out

- of - here

and

get

ham

mered?

And

ham

Beatrice, I sold 20 books today, but I'm only counting the money for 19.

Are you try to buy a bus ticket again?

Good girl

Pack the cushions in the van. We got to be in Jersey by dawn.

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