All language subtitles for The.Grand.Tour.2016.S03E07.Well.Aged.Scotch.720p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DD+5.1.H.264-QOQ

(ENGINE REVVING)

(TRAIN WHISTLE BLASTS)

*THE GRAND TOUR*
Season 03 Episode 07
Episode Title: "Well Aged Scotch"

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Hello!

Hello, everybody!

Hel-lo!

Thank you so much.

Thank you, everybody.

Wow!

Noisy bunch.

Thank you, everybody.
Thank you, thank you, and welcome.

And in this week's show:

Loch...

Scot...

and two smoking Beamers.

(CHEERING AND WHOOPING)

Now...

Thanks, everybody,
thank you, thank you.

Now, I wanna begin
by talking about money.

Bear with us on this one.

You see,
if you'd put £35,000

in a saving account
in the year 2000,

you'd now have
around £60,000.

However, if you'd put
that same £35,000

into an E-Type Jaguar,

you'd now have £100,000.

Yeah, just about everything even
remotely rare or interesting

is worth a fortune
these days.

Aston Martin DB5,
that'll cost you £750,000.

Ferrari Daytona, £600,000.

A pagoda roof Mercedes SL, that'll
set you back at least 75 grand now.

Yeah, it's not just
exotic cars either.

Ford Escort Mexico, OK?
A hum-drum car.

That's a £60,000 thing
these days.

- 60 grand!
- Yeah, it is.

However, there are one or two
rare and interesting cars

that seem to have
slipped through the net,

whose prices haven't yet
gone through the ceiling.

So we decided
to get out there and see

which of us was best at spotting
that investment opportunity.

Exactly. So we each
bought a classic car.

And then to see which one
of us had got the best deal,

we took The Grand Tour to
what one of our producers,

who's Scottish,
always says is the best,

most beautiful place
on earth:

Scotland.

[LAUGHTER]

We chose,
for our meeting point,

a quaint fishing port
near Inverness.

And I was
the first to arrive,

in an Alfa Romeo GTV6.

Now...

you would imagine
that when one of these

comes onto the market,

classic car enthusiasts
are running around

like they're in a zombie
movie and it's Black Friday.

But, no.

I bought this
from an 83-year-old man...

who'd had it since new
and was only selling it

cos his 84-year-old wife

found it so difficult to get
in and out of, "you know".

It's only done 26,000 miles.

And yet it cost £10,000.

And £10,000 -
that's a round of drinks

in the world where
this sort of thing belongs.

- (VEHICLE APPROACHING)
- Oh, hello.

James May in
a Lancia Gamma Coupe.

That's one of the prettiest cars ever
made, but don't tell him I said that.

Morning, May.

- How much?
- £13,500.

Oh, £3,500 more...

than I paid for this
vastly superior Alfa Romeo.

Well, £13,500 is a bargain

for a car that is coach-built
and extremely rare

and beautiful.

But it isn't exotic
like this is.

What do you mean,
it's not exotic? Okay.

May I just talk you through some
of this car's features, yes?

Transaxle,
gearbox at the back,

twin-plate clutch, disks all
round, unusual at the time.

One of the best engines ever
made, two-and-a-half litre V6.

Those aren't my words,
by the way, they are

the words of James
May in Car Magazine.

- Yes, I did say that. I do.
- You love this engine.

And this has won the European
Touring Car Championship

four years on the trot, it won the
British Touring Car Championship.

This has got
race breeding as well.

- What, the Gamma?
- It's a Lancia!

They're the most successful
rallying team in history.

Not my words,
the words of Jeremy Clarkson.

And that is
a better-looking car.

- What, than this?
- Yes!

- It is... (IN FRENCH ACCENT) superbe.
- It's not "superbe".

I tell you what's not superb.

Richard Hammond
arriving in a Fiat X19.

How much?

£2,250.

Somebody saw you coming,
Hammond.

What? For a baby Ferrari,
two thousand...

- Did you just call it a baby Ferrari?
- He did.

RICHARD: Because it is. Mid-engined,
Italian, it's exactly what it is.

- Ooh, listen to that sound.
- I know.

That is the reassuring sound
of tin on Russian steel.

It's a light, bright, effervescent
sound, just like the car.

JEREMY: How many colours
has this car been?

It was black,
then it was red,

then it was white, then it was
pale blue, and now it's purple.

I'd like to add, actually,

it's not, "How many colours
has this car been?"

- How many cars has this been?
- Well, quite.

JEREMY: It's now going brown.
JAMES: Brown, yeah.

All right, then.
I'm not gonna turn around.

I'll try and work out
which Alfa you've bought.

- Da-nah, the best Alfa.
- (LAUGHS) Oh, it's a GTV6.

- Exactly!
- Yeah.

Why has it got this plastic bit
in the middle of the bonnet?

Genius. The engine in
this car had a small issue.

It used to backf-...
well, front-fire, actually,

and blow the top
off the engine, yeah?

So that would damage
the bonnet.

So they put this plastic panel,
which was easier to replace.

Why didn't they stop it
backfiring?

JAMES:
Oh, don't be ridiculous!

- They were... busy.
- Lazy.

- Can I just ask?
- Hmm?

What's that broom handle
thing for?

Uh! Well, now this is another
characteristic of the GTV6

is that when you park up, you
need to keep the clutch pedal

depressed using
a broom handle like that.

- Right.
- Otherwise the clutch and the flywheel

- will fuse together.
- JAMES: I see.

I used to own one of these, there's
not a lot I don't know about it.

RICHARD: Yeah. When you used to own one of
these, how did you find the gear change?

JEREMY: Um... smooth, snicky.

- No, it wasn't, was it?
- No, those aren't quite the right words.

Terrible.
What about second?

Yeah, second...

- I don't know, I never found it.
- No, exactly!

Yes, let's not get bogged down with
some of the Alfa's minor design flaws.

- Disasters.
- Because

all three of us
have got classic cars.

- I have, yes.
- For good money.

- Mm-hmm.
- We're in Scotland.

So why don't we take them
on a drive in...

Well, let's be honest,
Scotland is just a road trip.

JAMES: I agree. We could, while
we're here, we could do the NC500.

Which, I mean, that is sup...

Voted by Condé Nast
Traveller magazine...

voted it the best road trip
in the world.

RICHARD: It's got lochs,
mountains, it's just...

- All the pretty bits, yeah.
- ..I mean,

It's all the best bits
of Scotland, right, - Yeah.

500 miles round
the north coast of Scotland.

- In Italian exotic cars.
- (MESSAGE ALERT) - Oh,

- hang on. Text.
- What?

Yeah? Mr Wilman.

Mr Wilman. (SNIFFS)

It says:

"Those cars will not do 500
yards, leave alone 500 miles."

So I've provided three backup
vehicles which you can use

to get home when they go
wrong and catch fire.

"And explode."

I was wondering what they were.
JAMES: Funny.

How did he know we were
going to do 500 miles?

That's a good point, actually, cos
Hammond's only just suggested it.

JEREMY: How did he know that?
How did he get three bicycles...

Putting Mr Wilman's
psychic powers to one side,

we climbed aboard...

(ENGINE REVS)

and set off
into the giant oil painting

that is Scotland.

Oh.

This isn't exactly like the tourist
authority would have you believe, is it?

RICHARD:
It doesn't look like it looks

on the shortbread tins.

This render that they
put on everything is

like a sort of batter
for houses, isn't it?

Batter! (LAUGHS)

(SCOTTISH ACCENT)
"I've battered my house."

You can see why they
want to be independent,

can't you? Get away from us lot.

Well, you wouldn't want people coming
in and messing all this up, would you?

I used to have a fiercely
Scottish neighbour in London.

JEREMY: Why would a Scottish
person go and live in London?

I dunno, because he'd
do anything for Scotland.

Well, except live there.

Was he called Sean Connery?

(CHUCKLES)

JEREMY: Eventually,
we cleared the fishing port

and found ourselves
on the open road,

where we could get
down to the business

of enjoying our
pedigree Italian classics.

And the Fiat.

JAMES: My car is just so
refined and sophisticated.

And in fact, really well looked
after by its previous owner.

It was obviously loved and...

One of my windscreen wipers
just fell off.

(GIGGLES)

Oh, dear!

(LAUGHS)

- He can't get out.
- I can't get out.

We can only just lift it up,
there you go.

You just have to
drive like that.

James, can I just say,
you've done three miles.

There, it's mended for now.
Don't turn it on again.

Just turn it on,
I want to see what happens.

OK.

- Ready?
- (SCRAPING)

(BOTH GIGGLE UNCONTROLLABLY)

- In Scotland?
- In Scotland, you won't need it,

- that's the thing.
- Perfect.

Cos it never rains.

(HORN BLARES)

Right, now we're alone,
viewers,

I can reveal that that windscreen wiper
incident is really a bit of an aside

compared with some of the
other problems this car has.

Most of these
relate to the engine.

In particular,
the way Lancia mounted

the power steering pump on the
end of one of the cam shafts.

Basically, you can't
really use full lock,

especially when the engine's cold,
otherwise the engine will explode.

The thermostat was fitted
in the wrong place,

which leads to overheating,
very suddenly

and then the engine
can explode.

And there were some problems
with the gasket materials,

which causes the coolant
to mix with the oil

with engine-exploding
sort of results, really.

RICHARD: James, I heard Wednesdays
can cause your car to explode.

So you need to be
careful tomorrow.

JEREMY: Proximity to trees,
lakes, grass,

heather, grouse, or tartan.

All those things cause it
to explode, I'm sure.

Look, I'm sitting here trying
to explain to the viewers

why the engine might explode
and I'm constantly

interrupted with your stupid
exploding engine jokes.

OK, carry on, but do it quickly
before the engine explodes.

JEREMY:
Meanwhile, in the GTV6...

- (GRINDING)
- Ooh, no, what's that?

That third?
Right, good, third.

(GRINDING)

Fourth? Yeah, fourth.

Or is it fourth or second?

I was getting reacquainted with
all the peculiar little foibles.

Driving position's
not brilliant.

Pedals are far too close
to the seat,

so you have to drive with
your legs wide apart.

Not so bad if you're a man.

If you're a girl, though,

trousers is a strategy you need
to think about in a morning.

However,
despite all the weirdness,

I do still absolutely love
this thing.

It was my ownership of a GTV6

that taught me
what cars are all about.

You need a personality,

you need flaws
for them to be human.

And James May was right for
the first time in his life,

and only time in his life:

this is one of the greatest
engines ever made.

The creamiest,
the smoothest...

and the most beautiful
to listen to.

(ENGINE REVS)

That's not exhaust noise.

That's an actual engine.

As James and I enjoyed
our classic thoroughbreds,

Richard was driving along
in his purple Fiat.

Unleash 80 horsepower.

(LAUGHS)

Well, I mean, this thing
only weighs 960 kilos.

Fiat sold 170,000 X19s,

so this doesn't have rarity
like theirs does.

But let's contrast rarity with
the opposite, which is popularity.

Cos that's what this car was,
immensely popular.

And I have
the pop-up head lamps.

Oh, yeah!

I'm gonna pop them down
again now.

(WHIRRING)

(LAUGHS) I can do
that whenever I want!

One slight complaint
about the Fiat,

the pedals are very, very
small and very close together.

And if you try and operate them
with, let's say, your feet,

you'll find that
your feet are too big.

Really, you just need
to use a toe on each.

JEREMY: Soon,
Hammond spotted a racetrack

and suggested
we have a go on it.

And as we pulled up,
it became clear

that tiny pedals
weren't his only problem.

(ENGINE REVVING)

JEREMY: That's quite high revs.
Yeah, it idles quite high.

- Is that its idle speed?
- Yes.

It's keen!

RICHARD: Since this was
actually a go-cart track,

it was too narrow
for car racing.

So I decided we should have
a drifting competition.

Come on, little Fiat.

It doesn't work.

(TYRES SCREECHING)

It simply doesn't really
have the power to...

throw its tail out
properly.

JEREMY: Even though my Alfa had
twice the horsepower of the Fiat,

things weren't great
for me either.

You can't unstick
the tail of a GTV6.

You just can't. Ready?

Just grip and more grip.

I know Roger Moore drifted
a GTV6 in Octopussy.

But then he crashed
into a fence

and had to dress up
as a clown.

JAMES: In the Gamma,
I was confident

I'd succeed where
my colleagues had failed.

Right, here we go.

Lancia is one of the greatest
names in rallying history,

so a controlled drift should
be second nature to this.

As I approach that corner,
I'll heel and toe it and...

Hm.

Brake, lift-off.

Nope.

At this point, I suddenly
remembered something important.

This is front-wheel drive,
isn't it?

What was I thinking of?

It's not gonna drift.

Happily, though, the enthralled local
audience were able to find a solution.

What I do is,
I take the rear wheels off,

let the tyres down and put
these plastic covers on.

Then pump the tyres back up
again, put them back on,

that gives the car the loose
back end you want to drift.

These are just... this is like
putting insulating tape

on the back wheels
of your Scalextric cars.

Stand by.

With no help from anyone else
on this freezing day,

the drift covers
were soon fitted.

Oh, here we go.

(RATTLING)

Oh!

Right, turn in...

get the drift going,
then...

(TYRES SCREECHING)

(LAUGHTER)

JAMES: This entertainment
went on for quite some time.

(LAUGHTER)

No.

Until eventually...

Dab of brakes, in.

- RICHARD: Hold it, hold it!
- JEREMY: He turned the steering wheel!

- He turned the steering wheel!
- He did a thing to it.

Ye-e-es!

RICHARD: Yes, yes, yes.

This looks like a lot of fun.

We're gonna do that.
We've gotta try it.

Oh, no, there's the only set.

What, of those things?

Yeah, they're the only
set, so we can't do it.

No, we can...
We can make some.

(ELECTRIC SAW WHIRRING)

Did you ask if you could
borrow this bit?

No, but they won't need it.

- And rotate.
- Aaaah...

This goes over.

It'll require
a little bit of persuasion.

James May just drifted
perfectly behind you.

This is another
of those weird days.

JEREMY:
With his tyre covers made,

Hammond decided
not to hold back.

(RATTLING)

Oh, this is gonna be...

I mean, seriously, he's gonna
get to that corner, then...

(RATTLING)

Where can
the helicopter land?

Here comes a drift,
here it comes.

And drifting.

- (TYRES SCREECHING)
- Agh!

Completely out of control.

(LAUGHS WHEEZILY)

Let's just try again.

All right, one of them...
no, that's fallen off.

That could be interesting.

(RATTLING)

And I am turning in.
Drifting.

Oh, no, I'm, no, there's...
I've got steering.

JEREMY: Annoyingly, Hammond's
dismal failure didn't stop him

fitting his ridiculous
contraptions to my precious Alfa.

And insisting
that I have a go.

Think of the trouble
Alfa Romeo went to

to make this car exquisite.

Think of the trouble
that Pirelli went to

to make the tyres
grip properly.

And then along comes
Hammond with a bin.

Whatever, here we go.

(ENGINE REVS)

(TYRES SCREECHING)

What was that noise?

Whole car's vibrating.

(ENGINE REVVING)

Yeah,
that's a massive vibration.

Hammond,
you blithering idiot,

you've totally ruined
this car!

An inspection of the undersides
revealed some grim news.

That has come off.
So the prop shaft is now...

Well, it's still
joining the gearbox

or the transaxle to the
engine, but by a thread.

And if I did anything more that rev
it like that, it's gonna come off.

If I'm driving along, then
that's the end of the Alfa.

Well, that's interesting.

Uh... my car's working
and I'd like a drink.

The hotel is about
25 miles away.

So, I think I'll get on
with it, if you don't mind.

You can't leave...
No, you can't leave me now.

What do you mean,
I can't leave you now?

Have you seen...
Have you seen how cold it is?

I can't see how cold it is,

but I can feel it.
No, but, I actually just looked.

"Drizzle 6, feels like 2."

- Well, you know what would warm you up?
- What?

A bicycle ride.
It always does.

20 miles through this...

freezing middle
of nowhere.

Hey, Richard the hamster Hammond,
is your car warm and dry?

I'm just checking.

Yeah, I'm warm and dry.
You warm and dry?

I'm very warm and dry.

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

(HORN TOOTS)

Oh, I meant to ask, would you like a
long gin and tonic sitting at a barstool?

Yes. Yes, I would.

And we've only got...
Well, it's not far in a car!

Oh, God.

Oh, come on!

Rub it in!
Seriously, rub it in!

We're gonna need
to rehearse it.

- What?
- Well, what we're saying.

Look, so we're
on breakfast TV,

- you're on the sofa, yeah?
- Oh, OK.

(RP VOICE) "Good morning and with me
is James May..." That's how they speak.

"Who has just learnt of
the sad demise"

of his co-host and colleague,
Mr Jeremy Clarkson.

James, how do you feel
that his body was found

in a ditch
with a bicycle this morning?

- Was it?
- Yes.

- No, that's not right, is it? Sorry,
- No,

- can you do that again?
- James

This is radio, OK? "Good morning,
five past nine, James May is with us."

Uh... we only learnt this
morning of the sad demise of..."

- Oh, bugger.
- What?

All of that rehearsing, mate,
waste of time.

(JAMES GROANS)

Because he's outside
right now,

fighting with a bicycle lock
by a fence.

Oh, you look cold!

Who's cold?

Oh,**** hell!
Why won't this work?

Paperboys can work
one of those, mate.

Oh, you can steal it,
I don't care.

JAMES: He's left the key
in it. What a muppet.

Oh, God.

Come on.

Hammond!

- (LAUGHTER INSIDE)
- Hammond!

- Hammond!
- (LAUGHTER)

JEREMY: The next morning,
the peaceful stillness

was shattered by the cry
of a distressed animal.

RICHARD: Clarkson!

Clarkson!

Where's my roof?

Right.

Bastard!

- (CRUNCHING)
- What was that?

What... Oh, you are joking?

No. No.

No.

He hasn't,
he's not that sick.

- Morning.
- What?

- Morning.
- Yeah, whatever. Oh!

Why have you driven over
your own roof?

Clarkson. He's sick.

Enjoy your day
on your bicycle!

Bastard.

Well, I'm cold now,
obviously.

Borrowed a jacket
from a cameraman.

He's six-three and 18 stone.

I'm in a small, stylish,
Italian sports car,

supposed to be looking good.

I look like
a frostbitten gnome!

JAMES: Rotten trick, that.

I wouldn't stand for it.

The only thing that worries me is he
might get some exercise on his bicycle!

- Ha-ha-ha!
- Do you think he's already just become

one of those
embittered cyclists

who hates anybody
who's got a car?

(HORN TOOTING)

Oh, jeez.

- (HORN TOOTING CONTINUOUSLY)
- What?

Oh, come on!

(HORN BLARES)

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

He did not mend that.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Very good. Now...

I have to say, the only
reason why we met

on a beach full of oil rigs
and then drove

through a council estate
full of hypodermic needles

is to annoy...

Well, simply and only to
annoy our Scottish producer.

Yes, but we will not tell you
Gav's name, we promise.

No, we won't.
We won't say his name.

Anyway, look, it all gets a lot
sunnier and prettier in part two,

when we finally get
on the North Coast 500

and we'll pick that up
later on.

Yes, but now
it's time to say hello

to the old lady of debate,

who sits
in the bus shelter...

of chat on
Conversation Street.

(MELLOW JAZZ)

(LAUGHTER)

I don't even remember
that one.

I don't remember
that happening.

Anyway, I wanna stick with
the film in Scotland,

if I may, James May, because
at one point you said

you put those plastic things on
the back wheels of your Lancia

because it was like putting insulating tape
on the back wheels of a Scalextric car.

- Yeah.
- Who's ever done that?

Well, I have.

Yes, but you said it like it's one of
those things that everybody's done.

- He did.
- It's like saying,

"Oh, remember when you stole
your first pair of tights?"

(LAUGHTER) - You know
what it's like, Hammond,

when you've got marmite
on your testicles.

- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah, yeah.

Hang on, Scalextric cars have
too much grip. That's the point.

No, they don't! That's why
they end up under the sofa.

- They haven't got any grip.
- Every corner, they fly off!

They've got too much grip, they over-steer
suddenly and you can't control it.

If you put the insulating
tape on the rear tyres,

you reduce the grip and then you
can slide them and drift them...

Oh, my God,
you have actually done this?

Of course
I've bloody done it!

Your childhood!

Who here has put
insulating tape

or any form of tape on the
rear wheels of a Scalextric?

RICHARD:
That's nobody at all.

JEREMY: You?
JAMES: There, there.

How bored must you be to think,
"I know what I'll do today"?

Everyone apart from
that lady over there

has never put insulating...

It's your worst
explanation ever.

- See me after.
- No, no, it's not. It's not.

His worst explanation ever was when
we were doing that water speed record.

And he explained to you,
um... to clear things up,

how the boat controls,
which you can operate,

on our Pond Bug,
worked the same way

as aeroplane controls,
which you can't operate.

Exactly.
That is the James May way.

Explaining something
you do understand

in a way
that you don't understand.

Look, hang on a minute. Hold on a minute.
- Actually it was.

You are a man who can't wind a wristwatch
up without taking somebody's eye out.

And you claimed in that film

that you'd mended the prop
shaft on that Alfa Romeo.

- I did.
- Did you?

- Well, I made a phone call.
- Did you?

Same thing.
And then,

I made a phone call
and a man, unbelievably,

drove all the way from
Wiltshire to Inverness

with the spare part
that I needed.

How generous.
And then you mended it?

- Well, I watched.
- Yeah.

Actually, this is
the part that broke.

You can see the bit
that came out, there,

- yes?
- Mm-hm.

And apparently this is
a known fault on a GTV6.

Everything
is a known fault on...

A GTV6 is a known fault.

- Shall we just move this along?
- Yes.

Let's move it along to
more actual conversation.

Mm-hmm.

Land Rover has announced that 70% of
people suffer from motion sickness.

And they say that in the
future, their cars will have...

some clever system that senses
when you're getting carsick

and then adjusts
the cabin temperature

and the suspension to cope.

- And I think that's a pretty good idea.
- That is quite clever.

I have to say, I've never had any
sort of motion sickness, anyway.

But I'm very grateful cos I
once met a man who did have it.

It was on a cross-Channel
ferry, very rough crossing.

Everybody was being sick
except me.

And I went into the lavs
and there was this bloke

and he was face down
on the floor.

On a boat there's a little lip at
the door to stop water getting out.

And that was all
full of sick.

(AUDIENCE GROANS)

And as the boat rolled, this
little sort of miniature tsunami...

(AUDIENCE GROANS)

sort of came
and hit him in the face.

As I walked in, he looked up
at me and he went, "Kill me."

(LAUGHTER)

But the thing that was
disturbing is,

I know he meant it.
He did mean it.

All right. Anyone had sea sickness?
Cos I have.

You do genuinely want
someone to kill you

when you're seasick,
you really do.

You really do.

What also troubled me
about that ship was

there must've been
500 or 600 people on it.

Everybody was
hueying everywhere -

horizontal surfaces, vertical
surfaces, the ceiling,

the food, everything.

What did they do with it
when it got there?

- Scuttle it.
- I think they must've done.

Sometimes you've got to, you've
got no choice. Happened to me.

Our childhood car,
a Hillman Avenger,

my little brother vomited
milk in the back of it.

JEREMY: Ugh.
- Scrapped it. It's gone.

- It just isn't any good.
- OK, I'll own up to something.

Oh, are you sure?

I was driving through
Corsica, late for a plane,

and I had my son in the back,
who was probably nine or ten.

Going quite quickly. It's all
mountainous roads through Corsica.

Very hot day. And he
vommed explosively.

And the upholstery was
that kind of textured velour.

When we got to the car rental return
place, still late for the plane,

the guy's coming over
to check the car.

So I said, "It's all right,
mate, it's all in one piece."

And folded
the back seat down.

- Oh, you did not?
- Yeah, just...

- Oh, you sick man!
- I know.

- And left it.
- Yeah. Just left it. Ran.

So somewhere there
is a kid who's paid

two euros a day to
clean out returned hire cars.

- And he encountered that horror.
- I ruined his life.

But the reason we brought up all
this car sickness stuff is the RAC...

Always up to speed,
the RAC is.

It's put out some advice
saying that um...

parents can stop
their children feeling sick

if you can get them
to look at the horizon

rather than the screens on
their mobile phones or tablets.

- Good luck with that.
RICHARD: Is that advice?

"Go on, children,
look at the horizon.

It's more interesting than
Angry Birds or Fortnite."

Maybe they can persuade them to tidy their bedrooms afterwards as well.
- Yeah.

Yeah. Anyway, that's sick
covered. Let's move it along.

I'd like to move it on with
some more conversation.

Um, Police in Dubai
are testing a hover-bike.

But, no, it actually
is a hover-bike. Here it is.

Look at that.
Look at that thing!

Oh, my God.

It costs about £117,000.

It can go at 60 miles an hour,
fly for about 25 minutes.

- Look at that.
JEREMY: Yes, yes.

I can see a couple of things, as
a police-pursuit-vehicle problem.

If you drove at 61 miles an
hour, you'd get away from it.

(LAUGHTER)

Actually, you could drive
at less than that,

but for more than 25 minutes
and still get away from it.

Or, and here's another one you
haven't probably considered:

if you fell off it, you're falling
through your own propulsion device.

RICHARD: I don't care,
because look at it!

I want one of those more
than I want both of my lungs.

It is simply
the best thing I've ever...

James, can you imagine Richard
Hammond on one of those?

(LAUGHTER)

Literally minutes of fun.

Yeah, exactly. And then
he would just be a mist.

You'd just be a veneer all
over the nearest building.

You'd actually be able to
walk through Richard Hammond.

It would just be a puddle
of Richard Hammond.

(LAUGHTER)

All right.

- Shit idea.
- Right. Erm...

A lot of people have got it into their
heads that I don't like electric cars.

Well. With good reason, because every
time you've got an electric car,

you come back into the office on Monday
morning with another dreary tale of woe.

- Cos you can't charge them up!
- Here we go.

You can't! Last weekend,
had a Jaguar I-PACE, OK?

This is a really good car.

This is why I have nothing
against electric cars.

That's the new Jag,
and it is fabulous.

Lovely to sit in,
quick as hell,

better than a Tesla by a long
way, actually, in many, many ways.

Brilliant. However, brought it
up here, plugged it into my farm.

And boof!
Instant darkness.

(LAUGHTER)

This is a farm that can
supply all of Western Europe

with vegetable oil
for a thousand years.

Plug one Jag into it, and I'm in the
13th century. No electricity at all.

I then took it to a friend's
house, plugged it in there -

he's got more
modern electricity.

Left it overnight and
it had only hoovered up

enough electricity overnight
to cover 29 miles.

That's because you're plugging it
into a 14th-century domestic socket.

You're supposed to use a
proper modern fast charger.

- How long would that take?
- 45 minutes.

I haven't got 45 minutes.

I've only got 130,000 hours
left, James, before I die.

I'm not going to spend
any of it... What?

Wait a minute.

This is a new thing of yours
that's started.

"I've only got
130,000 hours."

It's dropping.
It's dropping now.

Where does...
It's a lovely thought.

- (LAUGHTER)
- It's dropping...

It is. Get on with it!
I'm losing valuable time!

All right! I do wanna know, though,
where did that number come from?

Have you got your phone on you?
-Yes.

Cos he always forgets
to leave it behind. OK.

How long? If you don't
have to tell anyone.

- How many... how many years
- Yes. Well...

do you
think you've got left? Uh...

- years I've got left?
- Years, then times that by 365.

- Oh, I see.
- Times it by 24.

- How many hours have you got left?
- 394,200.

Right. Well, how much of that
do you want to waste...

charging a car, sitting
around while a car charges?

I went on the BBC iPlayer
the other day,

and it said, "You've now
got to register to use this."

No, I haven't! I haven't
got time to do that.

I'll be dead by the time
I've finished.

I've got 14,200.

(LAUGHTER)

- James!
- What, about hours?

Yeah.

That's a week on Tuesday!

May, the whole point
of this exercise...

is you think
of the bloody number!

"It's the rest of my life, I better not
think of a big number, I'll be modest."

Well, I'm gonna be pleasantly
surprised, hopefully.

- I think...
- Next week.

I think we can probably end
Conversation Street there

on James May's sad demise.

Any minute now.

I wanna talk about the BMW
M5, which has always been,

as I'm sure we all know
in here, the ultimate Q car.

It is a fizzing lunatic in
a Geoffrey Chaucer suit.

However, the new M5
has turbo-charging,

so it's kind to polar bears.

And it has four-wheel drive,
so it's safe.

And it has an automatic gearbox,
and that's all very nice.

But is it what we want?

Let me, first of all,

explain the basic recipe
for a BMW M5.

It's a four-door saloon
with a boot at the back,

space for five businessmen
in the middle

and a monstrously powerful
engine at the front.

That's the main thing
about an M5.

It must be extremely fast.

And this one, they say...

is the fastest ever.

So I've just pulled up
alongside someone

in his lightweight
running gear

and his AMG training shoes.

Whereas I am in
a stout pair of Brogues

and some heavy
moleskin trousers.

Which means
I'm gonna lose.

Or am I?

(ENGINES REVVING)

Oh, that hurts!

That was 0 to 60
in three seconds.

I can't get my head forward!

That's 100 miles an hour
in about seven seconds.

120.

130 miles an hour
as I cross the line.

'Tis unbelievable, that.

The cheap, heavy,
four-door saloon

just beat the sports car.

That's an M5's job.

On the face of it, then,
the new version

seems to tick all the
important M5 boxes.

It's sensible and
thanks to 592 horsepower,

it is Ferrari fast.

But what about the turbochargers
and the automatic gearbox?

And what about
the all-wheel drive system?

Does all that mean
it's no longer capable

of being
a swivel-eyed lunatic?

No. Not really.

(TYRES SCREECHING)

Yes, because a great deal
of work has been done

to completely eliminate
under-steer...

as you can see.

The steering does feel
a bit weird.

And yes, because
the engine is turbocharged,

the soundtrack
is a bit muted.

It's like listening to someone
play the bass... in the next room.

But other than that...

(CHUCKLES)

I mean, there must be
turbo lag. There has to be.

But I can't feel it.

And the automatic gearbox

must change more slowly
than it would

if it were
a double-clutch system.

But...

Still feels
pretty speedy to me.

And even though
all four wheels are driven...

it can still do this.

Holy shit!

If you wanted to do this
all the time,

you can actually turn off
the four-wheel drive system.

Seriously,
you can turn it off!

Just have it
in rear-drive only,

behave like a complete yobbo.

(TYRES SCREECH)

(LAUGHS)

And that's just the start
of the M5's adaptability.

You can choose how much
traction control you'd like.

You can choose...

how sporty and responsive
you want the engine to be,

how uncomfortable
you'd like the ride to be,

how meaty you'd like
the steering to be,

how quickly you want it
to change gear

and what you want
on the head-up display.

You can even choose
what sort of noise

you want the exhaust to make.

Ooh, and look at this one.

This menu allows me to choose

what fragrance comes out of
the air-conditioning vents.

I can have the Blue Suite,

which is a waft
of pure water pearls.

Or I can have this one,

which gives me a golden
shower of fiery aromas.

And this is all very
Pacific Rim. It's very CGI.

And that's great.

But the truth
of the matter is

that the 50-something
businessman

who'll buy this car

will never change
the fragrance setting

or any of the other stuff.

He'll put it in four-wheel
drive comfort mode on day one

and leave it there forever.

And if he's going to do that,

there may be
a better alternative.

It's made by a German tuning
company called Alpina.

And it's another take on what
a fast BMW should be like.

It costs about
the same as an M5,

and has a broadly similar 4.4
litre, twin turbo-charged V8.

It also has four-wheel drive
and an automatic gearbox.

However, this car was not
developed at a race track.

The boss of Alpina says
if you engineer a car

to be good
at the Nurburgring,

it won't be any good
on the road.

And he may have a point
on that.

So instead of making the front
suspension firm and racy,

they tuned it to be able
to deal with potholes.

Then they changed
the steering

so it would corner
more like an airliner

and less like an F-16.

Inside,
they gave it blue dials

and a thinner steering wheel
and softer leather.

And look at this.

Something you don't get
in the standard M5.

It's a comfort plus setting,

in which the 50-something
businessman

can spend his life
wafting about.

But don't think that the
basic fast BMW recipe

has been ruined.

Because it really hasn't.

It actually produces
600 horsepower.

That's more than you get
from the M5.

It has more torque too.

And there's no nanny limiter.

So this will do
205 miles an hour.

Does this mean, then,
that on a track,

the comfort wagon can keep up

with the ultimate
sports saloon?

(ENGINES REVVING,
TYRES SCREECHING)

Well, even though
it was fun finding out...

(LAUGHS)

the answer is no.
Not quite.

The M5 is tauter, more nailed
down, more on it, somehow.

So on a track,
make no mistake,

the M5 will pull away.

- In fact, it is doing.
- (TYRES SCREECHING)

We're both cats.

It's just that he's a cheetah
and I'm a lion.

If, then, you care about
shaving tenths of a second

off your lap time
at a racetrack...

you're better off
with an M5.

But for going home on the M4
in the real world,

which is what
I'm about to do,

I'd rather use the Alpina.

So I shall.

(APPLAUSE)

Very interesting...
interesting observations.

Very nice.

So, um...

So after all of that, you
would have the worse car?

Well, yes, cos it's better.

- It sounds better to me, I've gotta say.
- Says the voice of speed.

Tell you what, let's find out how
fast the M5 goes round the Eboladrome.

(ENGINE REVS)

And it's off.

She held it against
the brakes for a snappy start

and clearly it's worked!

Flying onto
the Isn't Straight there.

Ooh, look, it's a bit damp.

Right, having to work
at the fat steering wheel.

Whoomph from the four
exhausts on the up-change.

And now plunging into Your Name
Here looking a little edgy.

But then this is nearly
a two-tonne car.

Heaves forward under braking, but
keeping it all in check in the corner.

And now, back on the power.

Spooling up both turbos
for the fast return run.

Looking good. Ooh, dabbing off
a bit of speed at the midpoint.

And ready?
Yep, really hard

on the brakes
for Old Lady's House.

This is where understeer
will show itself.

But, no, looking tidy.
Not bad for such a heifer.

Taking no prisoners
on the blast to Substation.

Torturing the Pirellis
through there.

Just Field of Sheep to go.

Tidy through there
and across the line.

It did look quick.

It looks quick but it
looks like it's heavy.

It does look heavy.

Anyway, there's the lap board

and we can see the old M5,
look, down there:

17th place, one minute 24.2.

Uh, so let's see where
the new one goes.

Is it quicker?

- Ooh, it is.
- Yes.

Ooh, my word,
four seconds faster.

That's staggering, isn't it?

That's absolutely amazing.

Now, and I have to say, uh, we did, um...
we did time the Alpina,

but we haven't, uh,
we haven't filmed it.

- Why not?
- Well, cos it's gonna be slower.

- (LAUGHTER)
- It is.

You are gonna look
such an arse if it isn't.

(LAUGHTER)

I am, but it won't be.

(GROANS) Let's find out.
Let's see where it goes.

This is the Alpina.

There you go. You see?
Slower. As I said.

But 1:21.6, not bad. Not bad.

So if you do want
a taut, fast, super saloon,

his advice is get
the flabbier, slower one.

- Yeah, it's better.
- This really is some clear

- buying advice again this week.
- It is.

Anyway, let's get on to some actual
clear buying advice, uh, shall we?

- Let's get back to our film in Scotland.
- Mm-hm.

Tonight, we are doing, uh, a
tour of the North Coast 500,

around the top of Scotland,

in some beautiful
Italian classic cars.

- And a Fiat X19.
- (LAUGHTER)

Well, yes, but you two had
both had mechanical issues.

- Yes.
- Yeah, we did, but we still had hope in

our hearts that things
would get better.

JAMES: As we cruised along, our
Italian classics, and the Fiat,

continued to provide
unexpected entertainment.

I'm gonna show you a
fantastic feature on this car.

Here are the heating
and ventilation controls.

I've got it on warm
because it's a cold day.

But look what happens when I
press the air-conditioning button.

It's haunted!

Did you see that?

Look.

Hm, I think
I'll cool myself down.

(SINGS SPOOKY TUNE)

My head itches
because of this hat.

But if I take it off,
I'll freeze to death.

JAMES: Soon, Hammond insisted
we stop for a cup of tea...

to ward off his hypothermia.

- I've had a thought.
- That's very uncharacteristic of you.

I was gonna say,
first time ever.

No, this is based on
experience and knowledge.

Right, problem with the NC500
going all way round here,

we miss this bit.

We're here, right?

And we miss this road,

which I have driven
and it is breath-taking.

Not just the scenery, which is
incredible, but the actual road itself.

I'm sorry, but if we
just go along here...

Yeah?

We're not exactly
doing the NC500, are we?

No, but what if we create our own
route and claim it for The Grand Tour.

We could call that the Scottish
Highlands Intermediate Tour.

- How far is it?
- Uh, it's about 287 miles if we do that.

Scottish Highlands
Intermediate Tour 287, 2-8-7.

It would be the sh... No, hang
on, that doesn't work, does it?

Piloting Extremely Nicely
In Scotland.

- 2-8-7.
- Yeah.

So the Piloting Extremely Nicely
In Scotland 2-8-7. That would do.

You see? That's your
second thought of the day.

It's cos of the hat.

JEREMY: With the new route
sorted out, we set off.

And it turned out that it wasn't
quite like Hammond had said.

It was much, much better.

Holy moly.

Och aye the view.

It's amaz... Look at it.

RICHARD: I mean, it's...
This is heaven.

And not just the scenery,
which is magnificent;

the road itself,
the twists, turns, surface.

You have to get the right
ingredients together

in the right order
in the right place.

It's a complicated thing.

A really fabulous road.

But this manages it.

Absolutely glorious.

Oh, the PENIS287 is really
coming up trumps here.

(REVVING ENGINE)

God, I bet my car looks elegant
going through this scenery.

This is what the GTV6
was built to do.

Open sweeping roads.

(ROARING ENGINE)

Nothing but the sound of
that V6 howling away.

(ROARING ENGINE)

Ah.

This is what driving
is all about.

This is the dream.

In fact,
the moment was so magical,

it had taken my mind off something
that had been troubling me all day.

Today is the 11th of
April and I don't wanna

sound like Eeyore,
but it's my birthday.

And those two
haven't remembered.

All of the crew
have said happy birthday.

The director
said happy birthday.

James and Richard?
Nothing.

Ullapool, 26 miles.

Ullapool, I might be able to get
the prop shaft balanced there.

That's quite a big town.

JEREMY OVER RADIO: Guys, how far are
we from the hotel now? Do you know?

About 30 miles, 35.

Well, as it's not late,
I'm gonna dive into Ullapool

and see if I can get
my prop shaft balanced.

RICHARD OVER RADIO: You're gonna what?
It's vibrating

and it will hurt the car,

so I want to just
get it balanced up

and I'll see you
at the hotel later on.

That is uncharacteristically conscientious
of Jeremy, to want to go and mend his car.

But it's actually very
convenient for me and Hammond.

We've got something in mind.

The thing is, we hadn't
forgotten it was his birthday.

And with him gone,
we could shoot ahead...

and set up
his surprise party.

Balloons coming in.

Ooh, this is nice.

- (RADIO IN BACKGROUND)
- Right, loosen it off.

And that will allow the prop shaft
to settle where it wants to settle.

RICHARD: While the short-sighted
orangutan ruined his car,

- I was busy in the kitchen.
- (GRUNTS)

For Jeremy's birthday
feast, I am preparing

his favourite dish,
spaghetti bolognese.

But as it's his birthday and as we are
here, I'm gonna give it a Scottish twist.

Pasta and sauce are ready.
He'd love that.

But now is where I
give it a Scottish twist.

Pop it in, back
for that in a minute.

- (PINGS)
- Now, this should be ready.

Oh, yeah.

And this is where
it gets Scottish.

Very carefully, you pop it
in the flour like this.

Sprinkle it.

Keeping it together as best you can.
The grilling has helped.

And now into this.

Good coating all over.

Drop that as carefully
as I can in there.

- Pop it in the oil.
- (BUBBLING)

Oh, yeah.

Yes, I am doing that.

I'd say... that is ready.

Oh, yeah.

That will do nicely.

And there it is.

Spaghetti Mc-Bolognese.

JAMES: Whilst Richard was battering
and deep-frying everything in sight...

In you go, my wee beauties.

I was organising
the guests,

who were now all here and
waiting for the birthday boy.

Ooh, ooh, hello, here it is.

Here it is...

Oh, Countach,

Lancia 832,

There's obviously some kind of
classic car meeting going on.

Oh, wait a minute.

I can't believe it.

I cannot believe it.

- You remembered.
- Of course we remembered.

Actually, it's better than that,
we're having a party for you.

No, but, James...

There's a classic car meet
going on.

No, they're your guests.

For your birthday party.

- It's a 3.2 as well.
- Ohhh.

You have invited classic car
enthusiasts to my birthday party?

Italian
classic car enthusiasts.

- Who will talk about differentials.
- Yes.

- Production numbers and chassis numbers.
- Yes, exactly.

I've gotta go and sort out the
music, so I'll see you in a bit.

- Music?
- Yeah.

It's a party.

The finishing touch.

Garnish.

Because we eat with our eyes.

JEREMY: As it turned out, the classic
car enthusiasts were lovely people.

With some even lovelier cars.

Look at that.

D'you know,
I've never driven an 832.

However, talking to them
proved to be quite tricky.

Were they not on their way to America and
then got here and just thought, this'll...

- (BAGPIPES START UP)
- do.

(PLAYING TUNELESSLY)
♪ Happy Birthday

Still, it could be worse.
And then it was.

Because it was time to sit down
for Richard's Scottish dinner.

Battered spag bol, followed
by a deep-fried cake.

(BAGPIPES CONTINUE,
TUNELESSLY) -(POPPER BANGS)

And then,
to round off the evening...

- (TAPPING)
- Oh, no.

James made
an interesting speech...

about all the cars I'd owned.

To your ears as car
enthusiasts, is it not?

But quite soon, Jeremy moved on
from the VW Scirocco GLi mark 1

to a VW Scirocco GTi mark 2.

The registration number
of which was...

Now I've never known whether
you had the manual gearbox

or the first generation F1
semi-automatic shift. Which was it...

Very keen for you to know that
it wasn't a CSI, it was a CSL,

the difference being...

chromed wheel arch extensions

and different wheels, was it?
Or something like those stripes.

Alpina wheels
and it had aluminium doors.

Yes, of course,
it had the lightweight...

- Bullet in boot lid.
- Yes.

Ah, but this time
the V8 engine.

In dark blue,
or was it black?

Does anybody want to guess?

(SILENCE)

traditionalist at heart, as he is
today, drives a VW Golf GTI in grey.

- You missed the CLK Black.
- Jeremy Clarkson...

- The what?
- You missed the CLK Black.

No, it's not on this list.
Which researcher put together

this list of Jeremy's cars
through the ages?

You didn't even
write the speech?

Course I didn't.

This is the worst birthday
party I've ever had.

Come on, we made an effort.
Anyway, shall I get the bagpipes?

JEREMY: The next morning, we were
up and on the road bright and early.

This is the first April the 12th since
1972 that I haven't had a hangover.

Thanks to the world's worst party
organisers, Messieurs May and Hammond.

Oh, no.

The vibration is back.

Ahh, why can't I do anything?

But despite my problems,
the sun was shining.

And Scotland was
more spectacular than ever.

Hammond has redeemed himself
with this route.

He really has.

- (OVER RADIO) Hammond.
- Hello, yes?

There's no getting around
the fact that your PENIS

is exactly the right length
and beautiful.

Well, thank you.

JEREMY:
Would you agree, James May?

JAMES: I would, yes. I hate to
have to admit it, but it's spot-on.

JEREMY: There were now only 50 miles
to go to the finish point on our loop.

So it felt like a good time
to sum up our wonderful cars.

And Richard's Fiat.

RICHARD: Some cars achieve classic
status because they're rare,

they're thoroughbreds
like those two.

And with that, you have to accept
they'll be delicate, temperamental.

Some cars achieve classic status
simply because they're really good.

The X1/9 was good when it was designed
and built first, and still is today.

Add to that that it cost me
just over £2,000.

Annoyingly, I've had a bit of
a problem with my headlight.

But then
it's developed a squint.

So it... Oh.

I think it looks
quite rakish.

Somehow piratical.

"Arrr!" Like that.

JAMES: Rare,
interesting, beautiful -

those are the criteria by
which I think you should judge

whether or not a car
is a true classic.

It has to be at least two
of those things to qualify.

So let's have a look
at my Lancia.

Well,
it's definitely beautiful.

It's a truly superb
bit of car styling, this.

And it's rare.

(THRUMMING ENGINE)

I had a bit of a root about
online last night

and there are only two
of these Gamma Coupes

registered and on
the road in Britain.

And this is one of them.

This is 50%
of the whole thing.

When we finish these jobs
normally, the cars we've used go...

Actually, I've no idea
where they go.

But I know
where this one's going.

My house.

Because this car
is just heaven.

Absolute heaven.

Look at it and tell me you
can think of another car

anywhere on Earth for 10 grand
that you'd like more than this.

Only 11 miles to go now.

Will James May's engine
explode?

Apparently sunshine
does cause that.

(OVER RADIO)
James May,

do you think it will explode

before we get to Inverness
or just afterwards?

Sooner or later, you will have
to put your peevishness aside

and admit that I made
the right choice.

Oh-ho, no, you didn't.

Anyway, I wouldn't normally say
this, but I want to say

I'm very proud of you for
mending your prop shaft.

Well done, mate.

Thanks, yes, yes.

Is the car much better now
the vibration's gone?

(QUIETLY) No.

- Yes.
- Good.

He's bluffing.

JAMES: Bidding a fond farewell
to Hammond's magnificent PENIS,

we got back to the town
where we'd started,

Inverness.

Mission accomplished.

Well, there we are. In just three days,
we have covered a staggering 287 miles.

Well, yours was on
an AA truck for a bit of it.

- Yeah, a little bit.
- Yeah.

But apart from one
catastrophic failure

that required somebody to
drive from Swindon in Wiltshire

all the way to Inverness
with a spare part...

Don't forget that my windscreen
wiper fell off as well.

Yeah, and one of
my headlamps is stuck.

Yeah, but apart from
those things,

we have proved
that it is still possible

to buy and enjoy
a classic car

even if you're quite poor.

Yeah, we should be
proud of that.

JEREMY: Yeah, we should.
BOTH: Yeah.

With that,
back to the studio. Tent.

- Tent.
- Tent.

- Cos we're quite poor.
- Yes.

(CHEERING)

RICHARD: Great trip.
- Yeah.

- It's, um...
- Yeah, it was good.

- What a trip.
- It's funny, isn't it?

It's funny, over the years we
have travelled the whole world

- looking for the best driving roads.
- Yeah.

And it turns out, it was just
next door all along.

I have to say, I don't want to say
this in front of our Scottish producer.

Do not name Gavin Whitehead.

- No, I...
- (LAUGHTER)

I shan't, but
that was just about

the best drive I've ever had.

That road, that scenery,
that Alfa.

- That party. OK.
- No, not the party.

Everything else was...
Well, it was perfection.

I do agree with you,
I thought it was spectacular,

but we should get back to
the point of this film,

which is that you can buy
an affordable classic car

that is also an investment.

Are you sure you wanna raise
this particular point, James?

Why don't you tell the
ladies and gentlemen

how it worked out
with your Lancia?

Well, OK, I spent 13 and a
half thousand pounds on the car

and when I got it home I discovered
the price of putting it right

- was only £6,000.
- (LAUGHTER)

So, you're investment
has gone down by 45%.

- Correct, yes.
- Mm, now my Alfa, as I said in the film,

I have brought it home
with me.

And since we made that,

which was April, so six
months, nine months ago,

uh, it's only cost £8,000.

- (LAUGHTER)
- In repairs.

So, your investment
has gone down by 80%.

- Yes, what about you?
- 100%.

- (LAUGHTER)
- Really?

Yeah, day after
we finished filming,

the engine blew,
car in the bin, all gone.

(LAUGHTER)

So, to conclude, then, s...

All of us have lost some money
and one of us has lost all of it.

- Yes, exactly.
- Yes.

And on that terrible
disappointment,

it is time to end.

I'm going home now
in my Alfa Romeo.

- No, you're not.
- (LAUGHTER)

- I only live over there.
- Yeah, we know.

- Exactly, too far.
- (LAUGHTER)

Whatever. Thanks for watching,
take care, see you next time. Bye.

(CHEERING AND WHISTLING)
Sync corrections by srjanapala