Original subtitles

STOLEN KISSES

DEDICATED TO HENRI LANGLOIS' CINÉMATHÈQUE FRANÇAISE

Tonight the wind knocking at my door

Speaks of love that is no more

While the fire's embers fade

Tonight a song of autumn quivers

As the house around me shivers

And I think of long-gone days

What's left of loves that we once knew

Of lovely days when romance was new

Some photographs of days long past

Nothing but these

What's left of letters splashed with perfume

Breathless encounters and April's bloom

Where can my heart find haven from

These memories

Long flowing tresses blown in the breeze

Stolen kisses, passionate dreams

What's left of all these things

Tell me, please

A little village, love's hiding place

A rustic landscape in spring's embrace

And in the wisps of passing clouds

Youth's vanished face

What time is it?

Ten to 4:00.

What about now?

Nine to 4:00.

Try a roll of cotton wrapped in burlap.

What time is it now?

Eight to 4:00.

I'm here for Doinel. THE LILY IN THE VALLEY

- Which of you is Doinel? - I am. Why?

Come here.

- Can I take a leak? - Not until 6:00.

Filthy stinking bastard!

You shouldn't have beaten up that guard last week.

- Doinel, take a leak for us! - All right.

- Get laid for us! - Will do!

- At 5:00! - On the dot!

We'll be thinking of you at 5:00!

An antipersonnel mine is smaller than an antitank mine.

When it explodes...

Wait here.

...but it has no effect on an armored vehicle.

- What is it? - Private Doinel is here.

Just a minute.

Now...

you probe the ground with your bayonet,

and you say, "What's this? I feel something hard."

Just like your girlfriend says when you're home on leave, right?

Dismantling mines is like handling broads:

You have to go slowly.

You don't put your hand on a girl's ass right away, do you?

You work your way around to it.

It's the same way with antitank mines.

Good. Examine this until I return.

So that's it.

Good for you. And even better for us, I might add.

For the general good, some individuals shouldn't be allowed

to clutter up the army.

Here's your record.

"Private Antoine Doinel, enlisted for three years,

is hereby discharged as temperamentally unfit for service."

Some guys don't like the army.

They're drafted, they serve, and they're out.

But they don't enlist. Why did you join up?

I had personal reasons.

On account of some girl, no doubt.

It's a disgrace. The army is not an escape.

Of course you've spent your enlistment bonus.

They should make you pay it back.

If it were up to me...

You've probably got Communist connections.

Those guys run everything these days.

But never mind that.

Assigned to Vidauban, went AWOL.

Strasbourg, AWOL.

Dupleix, AWOL.

You're always AWOL.

You're like a dog that goes anywhere but where it's called.

On top of that, you got your civvies stolen.

You must return that uniform within 30 days!

Your honorable discharge was turned down

by the general himself.

You know that without an honorable discharge,

you can't get a job with the civil service

or any respectable private firm.

You can always peddle neckties in the street,

though God knows you'll never need one yourself.

That's all.

Good luck. Here's hoping we never see you again.

Dismissed.

Where are you going? Pay for the room first.

Eight francs.

Ginette got picked up again.

Leave her a tip.

Third time since Monday.

Someone should take her some sandwiches at the station.

To hell with her. Count me out.

I can't go. I'm stuck here.

- Not on the mouth. - Why not?

Not with the customers.

Don't touch my hair. I just sprayed.

I'm keeping my sweater on. I'm getting over a cold.

Come here. I'll wash you.

What's the matter?

Forget it.

You can always find me at the Balto.

Ask for Josiane. If I'm not there, just wait ten minutes.

What about Saturday?

Sure. See you then, big boy.

- Coming in or going out? - I don't know. I'll follow you.

You're my first soldier today.

You'll bring me good luck.

What branch are you in? - I was in the artillery.

Great!

I love big guns.

What a surprise! Come in.

Lucien will be surprised to see you.

Look who's here.

- What a pleasure. - How are you?

Home on leave?

No, I was discharged. My enlistment was rescinded.

- Have you eaten? - Please don't bother.

I'm sure you haven't had dinner. Sit down.

- Christine will be sorry she missed you. - It doesn't matter.

You're not sick, are you? Was it a temporary discharge?

No, it's permanent.

"Instability of character." Applies even in wartime.

Very good. Bravo.

The army!

It's like the theater: a wonderful anachronism.

We never understood why you enlisted. You left so abruptly.

Lucien, don't pry.

I got excited after reading Military Servitude and Greatness.

I actually thought it was like that.

And now?

I suppose you'll look for a job.

Yeah, I'd like to find something.

What about Shapiro?

The Hotel Alsina.

You're right. I'll call him right now.

A client of mine has a hotel in Montmartre.

His night clerk died and he's looking for someone.

Would that be all right? - Yes, fine.

Of course you were hoping to see Christine.

It doesn't matter. I'll call her tomorrow.

She's gone for a week.

She's gone skiing with some friends.

The conservatory is closed, you know.

They replaced the director, but the students preferred the old one.

So they're boycotting classes. It's quite a story.

Really?

This might work. Come talk to Mr. Shapiro.

What did you tell him about Christine?

The truth. She's gone skiing with friends.

What should I have said?

No, that's fine.

He was very friendly and said to come over right away.

If you'll excuse me, I better go.

You didn't even finish your cheese.

Being a night clerk has its advantages.

I was one at your age. Gives you lots of time to read.

Don't be afraid. Shapiro's a nice guy.

I'll call Christine and tell her you stopped by.

Hello, Christine.

Evening, Antoine.

I'm very happy to see you again. You haven't changed.

So you got out? - Yeah, finally.

That's what my parents said. You'll have to tell me all about it.

- Did you just get back today? - Yes, I came over right away.

Are you happy here?

It's not bad. It's quiet.

My parents are afraid you'll catch cold. They sent you these.

What are they? Vitamins? That's kind, but--

No, take them right way, or you'll forget.

Would you like something to drink?

Okay. What do you have?

Whatever you want. Mineral water, Coca-Cola--

A Coke.

I thought I'd never see you again. You hadn't written in six months.

Well, I was usually either in prison or in the infirmary.

Besides, when I first started writing you, you didn't write back very often.

I did, but you wrote so many, I couldn't answer them all.

I counted once. Nineteen letters in one week.

I wondered when you found the time to write.

Me too.

And they weren't always nice letters.

When's your day off?

Wednesday.

Come to dinner then. My parents want you to.

Okay. Fine. Great. See you Wednesday.

- Hasn't Mrs. Colin come down yet? - I haven't seen anybody.

It can't be. I was to meet her at 6:00.

She'll make us miss our train to London.

They won't hold the boat for us at Calais.

She left a wake-up call, didn't she? Check the register.

You're hardly awake yourself. Let me see.

I'll look for myself. You're all mixed up.

Room 24.

Then let's go. Better bring your master key.

She takes sleeping pills.

Hurry up. What floor?

What floor? - Third.

If we miss the train, we miss the boat,

and we don't make it to London.

- This is it. - Open the door!

The sleeping pill will have knocked her out.

Go on!

Julien, what are you doing here?

Your husband? Which one?

This is none of my business!

What are you doing? You're going too far!

My mother was right. You're pathetic.

Be reasonable.

Very smart. You should look in the mirror right now.

No, not like that. No one can hear that.

That doesn't make any noise. Here, take this.

Julien, don't! You're crazy!

Not the flowers! The vase!

That's it!

Run and call the police. He's smashing everything.

- I'm coming. - Hurry up.

Call the cops. Tell them it's urgent.

Tell them it's an emergency. That'll hurry 'em up a bit.

You're doing great.

- Fire department? - Not the firemen. The cops!

This is for you. Buy some candy or something.

Is this the police?

I'm calling from the Hotel Alsina.

Something's going on on the third floor. - They're breaking everything.

- They're breaking everything. - Don't be afraid.

Good. See you then.

What's going on here?

I don't know. A man caught his wife by surprise.

The woman in 24 was with the man from 19.

Did you let him in?

Yes, this gentlemen told me to.

I get it -- a private detective. Clear out.

All right, all right.

And you go with him.

Here's your severance pay

and your Christmas bonus.

Young man!

Sit down. Can I buy you something?

No, thanks. I just ordered.

- You sure pulled a fast one. - How so?

You're a private detective.

I've been working for the Blady Agency for 30 years. You know it?

You must have seen their advertisement

on the back of the phone book with the guy like this.

- Oh, yes, I have. - That's the one.

You didn't notice me, but I was at the hotel last night.

I was there when Mrs. Colin and her boyfriend went upstairs.

I knew we'd find 'em in the same bed. I just had to get proof.

- Why didn't you call the cops? - They would never have come.

First my client would have to lodge a complaint with the DA,

who would then have to notify the police.

So what happens when the cops get there?

That's the thing.

The cops report that at such and such a time,

a Mr. Colin entered a hotel room,

where he assaulted two people sleeping in the same bed,

one of whom just happened to be

the wife of said Mr. Colin.

The cops aren't usually supposed to handle disturbances at night,

but we managed to get a nice little proof of adultery anyway.

Not bad.

Nice to chat with you, but I've got to be going.

I was supposed to make a phone call.

Never mind. I'll make it from the office.

It's a shame you lost your job because of all this.

Well, that's life.

After you. - Thanks.

- Hello, Lucien. - Hi, Christine.

Mother's not back yet?

No, the trains are on strike. She'll be home tomorrow.

But there'll still be three for dinner. Look who's here.

Antoine, how are you?

I expected you on Wednesday. Aren't you at the hotel anymore?

He got fired.

- So you're looking for a job? - No, I already found another one.

- What does he do now? - You'll never guess.

But go ahead and try. - I don't know.

Selling newspapers? - Better than that. Come on.

A porter at Orly. That's not too bad.

No, that takes connections.

Guess again.

- I don't know. - Use your imagination.

- A painter? - A dying breed. Doesn't pay.

- A writer? - No, this pays more.

A water taster? It's a great job. I saw it on TV.

Too hard to break into. This is easier.

You drive cabs at night?

It could be related.

- A poet? - Worse.

- Worse? - A necktie peddler.

Less intellectual, more dangerous.

- I don't know. - I said dangerous.

I don't know.

Want some help? I'll give you a clue.

It involves a revolver?

It's a magnifying glass.

- I can't guess. - Tell her.

Here's another clue.

- A sheriff? - Exactly.

See his horse outside?

I'm working for a detective agency.

Meet Antoine Bond of the FBI.

You know the Blady Agency?

Investigations, searches, surveillance.

Congratulations. You can tell us about it over dinner.

Come give me a hand.

Antoine, I can't stay long. I'm meeting some friends later.

Do you mind? - No, not at all.

- Are you sure? - Absolutely positive.

- Would you tell me if you did mind? - Certainly not.

But I assure you, I don't mind.

- All right, start singing! - I'm no canary!

Objection, Your Honor.

Be careful. Anything you say can be used against you.

Catherine, good work on the investigation in London.

But did you really need to order room service for every meal?

You know the London Hilton is at an angle.

My window was the perfect lookout to see him coming and going.

Anything new on the case at the St. Pierre market?

Nothing.

There's no way the salesgirl could be stealing.

We've tailed her leaving the store for three weeks.

She can't hide stuff in her coat, and her bag's too small.

She's no thief. I don't get it.

We'll drop that for now. I have a hunch about it.

I'm almost sure her boss is making it all up.

He doesn't think she's a thief. He's in love with her.

He's looking for some angle to work himself into her life.

He's smitten with her and can't tell us the truth.

Like the minister of agriculture three years ago.

But he came to a bad end.

What "bing bing"? He hanged himself.

No, he shot himself in the head.

Sorry, but he hanged himself from a beam at the ministry.

Hanging doesn't spill your brains all over the floor.

With the belt from his bathrobe.

You always have to have the last word, Henri.

I was arguing with your father before you made your first communion.

Doinel, you stay.

My father was patient with you, but my patience is limited.

Limited is right. I mean, your patience.

- Mr. Albani is here for his appointment. - Show him in.

I'll see you in a few minutes. Wait out here.

Hello.

- Waiting for the boss? - Yes.

Come sit in here.

It concerns a friend

who was staying with me.

He disappeared a month ago without leaving an address.

He left clothes and personal items I'd like to return to him.

So you'd like us to find out where he is?

But not just that.

I'd like to know about his life:

what he does, who he meets.

I understand.

We'll find his address,

set up surveillance, and begin an investigation.

It'll cost 300 francs a day. - Fine.

Do you think it will take long?

That depends on whether your friend's address--

I mean, this gentleman's address is easy to find.

What is his profession?

He's a magician in a nightclub.

He does an act with cords of different colors.

I always do the crossword puzzle to keep my mind sharp.

Too bad they're so easy.

I'll have a letter to dictate in a moment.

We'll get started on this right away.

Call me in a few days.

Thank you very much.

Is Doinel there?

Yes, sir.

First, are you sure you understand yourself?

Because I need to understand you.

Keep in mind we're not the FBI.

We're not under oath, and we never impersonate a police officer.

We rely on initiative and quick wits.

Our work is 10 % inspiration, 90 % perspiration.

That place serves great pork and lentils on Thursdays.

- I'm here to see Christine. - She's out.

No, come in and have something.

Shall I come by tonight?

I said Saturday. If that's not good enough, let's just call it quits.

No, Saturday's fine.

Why that look? Is something wrong?

Catherine's impossible. I've never met a woman who didn't care about marriage.

I've been dating a girl like that for two years. I know it'll never work.

Why not get yourself a whore?

I can't stand them. They're all filthy.

When I was your age, I ate from carts in the street

and slept with slobs who used safety pins to hold their bra on.

But I can't do that anymore. Too bad, in a way.

I've got a date with this really tall girl.

What do you do when the girl is taller than you?

Nothing special.

But I mean really tall. Otherwise it can look, you know...

Just look professional.

Did you have a good time with that girl after all?

At first it was terrible,

but later on it was fantastic!

The walls were shaking!

You see? Listen.

When my grandfather died, I was very sad,

and my cousin was crying her eyes out.

After the traditional family meal,

she and I went up to the attic, and I screwed her right there on the floor.

If anyone had caught us, it would have seemed monstrous.

But making love is a way of compensating for death.

You need to prove you still exist.

Hello, Antoine.

Christine will be here any minute.

Are you eating with us or going straight to the movies?

I'm taking her to a nightclub tonight.

It's for a case at work.

Right, you're a detective now. Must be exciting.

It is. Just this afternoon, we had a very strange case.

A woman came to the agency

because even though her nanny took her little twins out every day for a walk,

the twins looked pale and sickly, and she couldn't figure out why.

Since she had to work, she asked us to tail the nanny,

and I was given the assignment.

So this afternoon I waited outside the woman's building

for the nanny to come out.

She came out with the twins

and headed off for a park, and I followed.

Antoine, you're here. How are you?

What did I do with that thing?

Ah, you've come for Christine.

So they're in the park.

She crosses straight through to the other side of the park,

goes in a doorway,

and leaves the babies with the concierge

in this filthy, disgusting room.

Then she crosses the street and enters a striptease joint,

where she did a "naughty nanny" number,

taking off her uniform and doing a few things with the bottle.

It was a nonstop show, so she did her act again 15 minutes later.

Then she returned to the concierge's room,

picked up the twins, tipped the concierge and left.

Unbelievable. No wonder they looked so pale.

Then I wrote up my report and called it in to the office.

That's incredible.

- Hi, Antoine. Have you been here long? - He's been waiting two hours.

- What are you looking for? - I can't find the Langmans' address.

He did me a favor. I want to send his wife some flowers.

Give them a call. We have their number.

I'd look pretty stupid, calling up so I could surprise them with flowers.

You have the phone number and you need the address?

Yes, it's 525-55-73.

No problem. I'll handle it.

What are you doing?

Is this 525-55-73? Mrs. Langman?

Madame, if I say "Chiquita," what do you say?

Banana!

Congratulations! You just won five bunches of bananas!

To what address should we deliver them, please?

No. 6 rue Ribera. Thank you, and congratulations!

- Very clever. - One of the many tricks of the trade.

So are you taking me to the movies?

I need to go to a nightclub tonight for my work.

But it's a nice place, with interesting acts.

Did you want to go to the movies? - No, that's fine.

With the lights up,

you'll behave yourself better than at the movies.

There was once an old sailor, a magician and a teller of tales.

He was ageless. In fact, he still lives on.

A remarkable character.

Children find him even to this day, seated on the steps near the water,

playing with cords and telling colorful legends.

He has cords of every kind, every length and every color:

white and red,

green and yellow,

tangerine and burgundy, purple and blue.

He'd say not a word, as if he saw no one.

But we saw him, seated in the June moonlight,

taking his gold cord and placing it at his side.

Then, as if performing a sacred ritual,

as if rediscovering a lost art,

he would slowly tie knots in the blue cord.

Then, from the cord now wrapped around his hand,

the knots left the blue cord

and formed as if by magic in the golden cord.

Then...

he would send them back from the gold cord to the blue.

And he was happy,

though no one around him knew what to make of this.

Once again he'd wrap the blue cord around his hand,

and the knots would leave the blue cord

to form in the gold cord.

Then he'd send them back from the gold cord to the blue,

and they'd leave the blue cord

to mysteriously tie themselves

in the gold cord.

I'm sorry, but I have to go. It's for my job.

I have to give you a kiss.

Albert, remember Antoine? My husband Albert.

- What are you doing here? - Waiting for a friend.

I bet you're wondering if it's a boy or a girl.

You should come for dinner sometime. Right, Albert?

Of course.

Did my mother give you my number?

Yes, I think so.

You haven't worn out your finger dialing.

You didn't used to be afraid of the telephone.

Well, bye now.

Hi, it's Antoine.

I'm calling because I ran off in such a hurry last time.

I hope you're not mad.

It was for my job. I was shadowing someone.

That magician we saw. I hope you're not mad.

Of course not. I know how it is when you're a detective.

You say that, but I hear something in your voice--

- Sounds like you're mad at me. - No, not at all.

I assure you. You mustn't think that.

Maybe we could do something tonight. I'd like that.

So would I, but I'm a little tired today. I went to a demonstration yesterday.

A demonstration?

With cops and clubs and beatings and all that?

You know my friend Marie?

Yes, very interesting.

She had to go to the hospital. It was terrible.

Good. That's great.

Please don't cut us off, miss.

Christine, I can't hear you. There's noise on the line.

I can't hear you.

What are you doing?

Don't put that dirty paper on my windshield.

It messes up my car. This paper is filthy.

Those flyers aren't clean.

Don't ever do that.

6:55, the post office closes.

6:58, the subject has not reappeared.

7:04, operation suspended.

So your report would indicate

the magician spent the night in the post office.

You must be kidding.

I lost sight of him, sir. I'm not sure where he went.

Perhaps our magician made himself disappear.

What sort of place is this nightclub? A fancy cabaret?

No, it's one of those artsy places,

with candles on the tables and Vivaldi in the bathrooms.

What's this statue you mention?

He makes all his appointments in front of a statue of Joan of Arc.

Is it an equestrian statue?

- Mr. Tabard is here for his appointment. - Show him in.

I'm sure the magician gave you the slip.

I'll have to put someone else on the case.

I don't know what to do with you. You mean well, but--

It's discouraging.

You may go.

Mr. Tabard.

I may as well be frank:

I have no special reason for coming to see you.

People don't usually come to us out of curiosity.

Are you married?

Very happily married.

To a superior woman, I must say.

No problem in that regard.

And my health is very good.

Delighted to hear it.

What is your profession?

The shop is doing very well. We double our revenues every year.

What shop?

My shoe shop.

Shoes for men, women and children, especially children.

Everyone needs shoes,

and with traffic these days, more and more people are walking.

Then you're a happy man. No cares, no enemies.

No enemies would be going too far.

From the time I was a little boy, through college and the army,

others have always been jealous of me.

Mind you, I don't lose sleep over it.

And I do have one very serious fault.

I'm too frank.

Yes, that can be a problem.

But I still don't understand the reason for your visit.

What would you like us to do for you?

Nobody likes me, and I'd like to know why.

I know what you'll say: I should see a psychoanalyst.

It's not the money. I could certainly afford it.

But I won't waste my time lying on a couch, talking about my childhood.

I'm not a sissy. Besides, the shop leaves me no time.

You give the shoe business 24 hours a day or you find another line of work.

If you feel everyone hates you,

perhaps you've shown contempt--

Absolutely not. I look down on no one.

Anyone can come to Tabard's for shoes.

Jewish women, Arab women...

even a Chinaman's wife,

if she can wear high heels.

That'll be the day!

No, I feel I'm hated

but I don't know by whom.

I feel it in the air when I go out in public,

to a restaurant or a movie or a boxing match.

When I speak to my concierge, she shrugs her shoulders at me.

And my wife is always laughing, except when I say something funny.

And the salesgirls are the worst.

If I comment on their work, for example,

they talk back.

They argue with me.

You must have friends.

No, no friends.

Good thing I don't need any, 'cause I'd never be able to make one.

How many salesgirls do you have?

Four, plus the cashier.

We could begin with an investigation in your store.

I could place a periscope there.

Yes, a periscope. Let me explain.

- Send Doinel in. - Right away, sir.

Antoine, Mr. Blady wants to see you.

He said right now.

He's going to chew me out again.

Let me tell you what my father told me when I came to Paris:

"Respect your boss."

This is a periscope.

Mr. Tabard, this is Antoine Doinel.

That's all. You can go now.

He's very young.

Yes, but he's brilliant, especially for investigations.

Tailing someone is another story. - Send him over and I'll hire him.

That wouldn't be wise. He'd look like your puppet.

You mustn't appear to know each other.

Place an ad in the paper for a stock boy,

eliminate the other applicants, and then hire him.

All right, you have your materials.

I'll give the signal to start.

Ready.

One, two, three, go.

Show me your packages.

Very good. We'll hire this young man.

Hi.

How are things?

Fine. I'm working in a shoe shop.

I'm doing okay too. You know my television scripts?

I took them to one of the stations.

They read them and they're interested.

I'm just waiting. I'm sure they'll make them.

So I'm happy.

Well, see ya.

Is there a restaurant nearby?

You should eat with us.

You have something planned?

We share what we bring from home.

Yes, eat with us. We'll manage just fine.

Help me set the table.

Say, about the boss, Mr. Tabard.

Seems like a nice guy.

It's obvious you don't know the old dinosaur!

You're not leaving till you find that pair of pumps I asked for.

They didn't come in, ma'am. It would be in my receipts.

I don't know what they taught you in school.

The factory double-checked. You signed the delivery slip yourself.

I signed lots of slips today. I have no idea where they are.

The client paid for those shoes!

I already went through the unmarked boxes.

They have to be here somewhere.

The boxes must have gotten mixed up.

I don't care how you find them,

but I want those shoes first thing tomorrow morning.

Ma'am, you shouldn't be in here. The shop is closed.

If all our customers did like you--

Then their names would be Fabienne Tabard too.

I'm the boss's wife. - I'm sorry. Forgive me.

It doesn't matter. You're just doing your job.

You're the new stock boy? - Yes.

Antoine, right?

What do you think of this shoe?

The gold color's too much for this dress? You're right.

Let's try something else. Find me a pair like these,

but with a black satin toe in a 4 1/2.

All right?

Mr. Tabard's impatient for a change.

Would you answer that?

I don't understand you.

They're speaking English. I don't understand.

Would you mind taking that up to the apartment?

I'm off. Good night, Antoine.

You know how to close up?

You work terribly late.

This is Antoine, reporting on the Cinderella case.

Mr. Tabard's staff call him "the dinosaur."

I met Mrs. Tabard.

She has an enchanting voice and speaks perfect English.

Describe her for me.

She's an extraordinary woman!

A bit mysterious, and very sweet.

Her nose is slightly turned up, but straight and full of character.

- Her measurements? - That I don't know.

I'm asking you how tall she is.

About five foot five without heels.

What shape is her face?

A perfect oval.

That is, a slightly triangular oval.

But her skin is radiant, as if illuminated from within!

We want a report, not a declaration of love. Good night.

What possessed you to pester me at the shop in the middle of the day?

You disappeared completely, and you're never home.

My parents are asking what's become of you.

Tell them I'm fine and give them my best.

You can be so nasty for no reason!

Right, for no reason.

If I've done something wrong, just tell me.

- No, nothing at all. - I thought I was your friend.

You can do what you want with your friendship, as far as I'm concerned.

So we're back to where we were last year?

No, much further than that. And whose fault is it?

Certainly not mine! I don't remember every one of your letters,

but in one of them you wrote,

"Now I realize I can never feel anything but friendship for you."

Yes, that's what I thought at the time.

But love and friendship go hand in hand with admiration.

And I don't admire you!

Even when I thought I loved you, I didn't admire you, and that's the truth.

Well, then, good-bye!

Look at Papa Tabard!

- I hate going up there myself. - Ask the new guy to go with you.

- Antoine? - I wouldn't mind making it with him.

He's okay, but haven't you noticed he's crazy about the boss's wife?

- The boss's wife? - Yes.

The other day Sylvie called her "Mrs. Dinosaur" as a joke.

Antoine got furious.

"Talking that way about such an exceptional woman!

Madame Tabard isn't a woman. She's an apparition."

- An apparition? - Exactly.

Just watch. Whenever she's around, he turns white as a sheet.

No, not there. Look up in the green boxes.

- The green boxes are all empty. - I said the green boxes.

Can I have tomorrow off?

Then can I leave early tonight?

Shall I tell you a story?

Did you hear the one about the idiot who kept saying no?

It's you!

Come with me.

You see? It's like that all the time.

How's your investigation going?

I can't comment. I make my reports, and Mr. Blady draws the conclusions.

And who gave the most to the Shoe Defense Fund this year?

Yours truly.

You're late, George. It's all cold. Shall I have it warmed?

Don't bother. I'll eat on the run. Is there any cheese?

I got held up downstairs. The girls got the boxes mixed up.

Hello, Antoine.

I have to give Antoine the ledgers.

- Have you eaten? - Yes, downstairs.

- With the girls? - That's right.

I'm missing one. Sit down.

I'll give it to you later.

Do you like cheese?

This one's perfect. It sticks wonderfully.

I'd prefer a yogurt.

Dick and Janet called for you. I told them to call the shop.

I called, but they were at Berlitz for their first French lesson.

Do you speak English, Antoine?

I'm learning from records, but it's not easy.

Records are a joke.

There's only one way to learn:

in bed with an English girl.

It's time you learned.

I learned with an Australian girl

while her husband was at work painting houses.

Like Hitler.

Don't ever say Hitler was a housepainter.

That's slander.

Hitler painted landscapes.

What's wrong with me?

The one I need is down in the car. I'll be right back.

You can leave that. I'll serve.

Are you coming?

Do you like music, Antoine?

Yes, sir.

Antoine, what's wrong?

I'm sick. I'm going home.

- Where are you going? - I'm sick. I'm going home.

I don't see the new stock boy around.

He went home sick.

Hand me the book, please.

No, the personnel book.

What's another word for "say"?

I've used it ten times already.

State, reveal, recount, affirm.

You know quite a few, I see.

I'm gonna keep "say." It's better.

That Mrs. Tabard is running me ragged.

But I've got a lead. - What kind of lead?

About her lover.

She doesn't have a lover! She's above all that!

She just bought three neckties, and her husband doesn't wear them.

That's right. He wears bow ties.

I'm fed up with this case.

I'm going to ask Mr. Blady for a different assignment.

Not right now. Mr. Albani's here to see me.

You can wait five minutes, can't you?

It's very urgent.

I'll see you in a few minutes.

Everything okay?

We've been fortunate in this matter, which isn't always the case.

We followed your friend

the magician.

Robert.

Right. Mr. Robert Espanet, 35 years old.

He's been performing at the Golden Horse since last September.

His new address is 42 rue de la Republique.

He needed the larger space because his wife is pregnant.

His wife?

He was married last November 12.

You must be mistaken.

No, the marriage contract was drawn up by a Mr. Lebaudet.

You bastard!

You're lying! - Please, put those papers down!

Get the dentist from upstairs!

Get the dentist, quick!

There's a crazy man downstairs.

Filthy lies! Let me go!

I can't go home! His things are there!

- You have to go somewhere. - I'll go to a hotel.

Put him in a cab and get him home.

See where it got you?

I hope he paid in advance.

"A college professor of mine explained the difference

between politeness and tact.

A gentleman mistakenly opens a bathroom door

and finds a woman totally naked.

He quickly steps back, closes the door and says, 'Pardon me, madame. '

That's politeness.

The same gentleman opens the same door and finds the same naked woman,

and says, 'Pardon me, sir. '

That's tact.

I understand why you ran off, Antoine. Until tomorrow."

For the last hour...

I've been staring at these ties...

that I would never dare to wear.

This is a farewell letter.

I'm unworthy of your generosity.

You'll never see me again. I've quit my job at the shop.

I'm a worse impostor than you could ever imagine.

For a moment I dreamed there could be feelings between us,

but they're as impossible as Félix's love

for Madame de Morsauf in The Lily in the Valley.

Good-bye.

Pneu--

ma--

tic.

What is it?

I woke you up.

I was woken up very early as well, by your letter.

But no matter.

It's always nice to wake up to something lovely to read.

I sat down to write an answer, but I couldn't.

I realized

I had to come over right away, in person.

I've read The Lily in the Valley,

and, like you, I thought it was beautiful.

But you're forgetting something.

What happens between Madame de Mortsauf and Félix

is not a beautiful love story.

It's actually quite pitiful,

because she died from never being able

to share that love with him.

Besides, I'm not an apparition. I am a woman,

which is just the opposite.

For example, before coming here this morning,

I put on my makeup, powdered my nose...

and made up my eyes.

And crossing town I noticed every other woman had done the same,

to please herself or out of regard for others.

You say I'm exceptional.

You're right. I am exceptional.

Every woman is exceptional in her turn.

You there...

you're quite exceptional yourself.

Did you know your fingerprints are unique in the entire world?

You are unique. We're both unique.

Unique and irreplaceable.

When my father was about to die, he called his doctor over...

and said...

"People are wonderful."

And then he died.

Say nothing if you like, but please look at me.

Really look at me.

You wrote me yesterday,

and my answer is... me.

I propose we make a contract.

A real contract, fair to both parties.

Since we both love what is exceptional,

I'll come over to you...

now.

We'll spend a few hours together.

Then, no matter what happens,

we'll never see each other again.

Agreed?

Perhaps I should take the key out of the lock.

In the stories you and I like,

the woman throws the key out the window.

But for us this vase will do just fine.

But this morning there was a surprise:

Mrs. Tabard, who never gets up before 11:00,

went out this morning at 8:15.

I followed her to 18 square d'Anvers,

where she stayed for an hour and a half.

Then she returned home.

Do you know who she visited there?

No. It's an eight-story building, and the concierge wasn't in,

but I intend to go back and question the tenants.

I know who Mrs. Tabard visited.

Really? Who?

Mr. Blady, I need to speak to you in private.

The rest of you, please leave.

How do you do, madame?

I'm sorry to bother you--

I'm a high school principal.

Sorry to bother you,

but I'd like to get a little information

on one of your teachers, Solange Dupuis.

Leave me alone! When I say no, I mean no!

...information on her moral character.

It's a new wig. I'm on a new case.

Give me a hand.

What am I supposed to tell Mr. Tabard?

That he paid 2,000 francs to be made a laughing stock?

What was that?

Mr. Henri! I'll get Mr. Blady.

You can hang up now. Mr. Henri is dead.

For a little more I'll take off all my clothes.

Here you go, but I prefer you keep them on.

Then we can take longer.

No, I don't want to.

Damned idiot!

Put on your hand brake.

Antoine, it's you!

We were wondering what had become of you.

I'm a TV repairman now.

No, it was my fault.

I'd have preferred to run into you under different circumstances,

but it's nothing serious.

Christine, we're off.

Good-bye, darling.

- Have a good weekend. - Come with us. It'll do you good.

- I've got work to do. - You're too serious.

If you get bored, you can always call Lucienne.

I'll be fine. I've got the TV.

Spending the whole weekend indoors isn't good.

Is this SOS 99-99?

Could you please come right away to 44 avenue Edouard Vaillant?

The TV's not working at all.

I see it's a Cérénovox.

What's this? Someone removed this piece already.

How cute. It's like a taxicab meter.

Please, let me work in peace.

Is that enough?

That's not how you do it.

I'll teach you something you'll never forget:

how to butter a biscuit without breaking it.

You put one biscuit on top of the other,

and you butter the top one.

The bottom biscuit keeps the top one from breaking.

I'll teach you everything I know,

and in return, you teach me everything you know.

Very well.

It isn't especially important.

Well, I guess it is,

but I'd prefer to write it.

Do you have a pencil?

I forgot my handkerchief. Would you lend me yours?

- I've only got Kleenex. - I never blow my nose on paper!

Don't look now, but there's a strange guy over there.

He's been following me for days. I don't know who he is.

- Who could he be? - I have no idea. Here he comes.

I know I'm no stranger to you.

I've been watching you in secret for some time,

but these last few days, I've made no effort to hide,

and I know now that the moment has come.

Before I saw you, I never loved anyone.

I hate temporary things.

I know life well, that everyone betrays everyone else.

But it will be different with you and me.

We'll never be apart, not even for a single hour.

I don't work, and I have no obligations in life.

You will be my sole preoccupation.

I understand this is all too sudden for you to say yes right away,

and that you need time to sever the temporary ties

that bind you to temporary people.

I am definitive.

I am very happy.

That man is crazy!

Yes, I'm sure he is.