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1
00:00:01,433 --> 00:00:03,965
I went over the landmark's
commission proposal.
2
00:00:04,033 --> 00:00:06,265
I read James' speech on the
waterfront restoration.
3
00:00:06,333 --> 00:00:10,532
Oh, and next Tuesday the entire city
is celebrating Abe lensner day.
4
00:00:10,599 --> 00:00:13,399
You played poker with Abe again
last night, didn't you?
5
00:00:13,466 --> 00:00:15,399
I thought
he was bluffing!
6
00:00:15,466 --> 00:00:17,899
Sir, we had this
discussion last month
7
00:00:17,966 --> 00:00:21,065
when we lit the giant Christmas tree...
At Abe-e-feller center.
8
00:00:21,133 --> 00:00:24,132
Aw, come on, Mike. I enjoy
playing poker with the guys.
9
00:00:24,199 --> 00:00:27,832
It's not as if I have anything
else to do on my time off.
10
00:00:27,900 --> 00:00:29,832
On that note,
I, uh...
11
00:00:29,900 --> 00:00:32,165
Found this when I
was accidentally...
12
00:00:32,233 --> 00:00:34,232
Rifling through
your desk.
13
00:00:35,666 --> 00:00:38,899
"Divorced male seeks
special lady for romance."
14
00:00:38,966 --> 00:00:41,365
Sir, you... you can't
submit a personal ad.
15
00:00:45,133 --> 00:00:47,198
Oh, you think
that's me?
16
00:00:48,599 --> 00:00:51,065
"6' 4",
salt-and-pepper hair."
17
00:00:51,133 --> 00:00:52,698
(SNIFFS)
18
00:00:52,766 --> 00:00:55,198
"Mayor of New York."
19
00:01:22,332 --> 00:01:24,565
Reminder... Thursday night is the
mayor's annual bachelor auction
20
00:01:24,633 --> 00:01:26,131
for central park
preservation.
21
00:01:26,199 --> 00:01:28,398
I've already laid down
the law with Claudia.
22
00:01:28,466 --> 00:01:31,431
For the right price,
any woman can have me.
23
00:01:33,532 --> 00:01:36,431
Last year, wasn't the
right price $35?
24
00:01:36,499 --> 00:01:38,264
Yep.
25
00:01:39,566 --> 00:01:40,599
Paid by Claudia?
26
00:01:40,666 --> 00:01:42,231
You got it.
27
00:01:42,299 --> 00:01:44,264
And I'll tell ya
something, Mike...
28
00:01:44,332 --> 00:01:47,364
you know what? If you tell
me you earned every penny,
29
00:01:47,433 --> 00:01:49,431
I'll vomit.
30
00:01:49,499 --> 00:01:51,398
Now, regarding our quality
of life campaign...
31
00:01:51,466 --> 00:01:53,899
Having police on horseback
crack down on people
32
00:01:53,967 --> 00:01:55,765
who don't clean up
after their dogs
33
00:01:55,833 --> 00:01:57,932
might not have been
the best idea.
34
00:01:58,000 --> 00:02:00,198
It's really making mountains
out of molehills.
35
00:02:02,266 --> 00:02:05,931
Now, what we need is an idea that
will improve the quality of life
36
00:02:05,999 --> 00:02:07,898
for every new yorker.
37
00:02:07,966 --> 00:02:10,465
Subways made of chocolate!
38
00:02:17,066 --> 00:02:19,331
Skimpier uniforms
for firemen.
39
00:02:19,399 --> 00:02:21,065
Hear, hear!
40
00:02:23,866 --> 00:02:25,331
I need a bathroom.
41
00:02:25,399 --> 00:02:27,565
Whoa, whoa...
Say that again.
42
00:02:27,633 --> 00:02:29,465
Subways made of chocolate.
43
00:02:29,533 --> 00:02:30,965
No, no, no.
44
00:02:31,033 --> 00:02:32,865
The parks department
designed that new
45
00:02:32,932 --> 00:02:35,598
state-of-the-art high tech
bathroom for central park.
46
00:02:35,666 --> 00:02:37,898
Commissioner Hamilton, he designed
it, he raised the funds for it.
47
00:02:37,966 --> 00:02:40,731
Hell, the man dedicated the
last 4 years of his life to it.
48
00:02:40,799 --> 00:02:42,665
Wouldn't be right
for us to steal it.
49
00:02:42,733 --> 00:02:44,598
Sure, it would.
Good point.
50
00:02:44,666 --> 00:02:47,165
You really turned me
around on this one.
51
00:02:50,332 --> 00:02:52,265
Here it is, Mr. mayor...
52
00:02:52,332 --> 00:02:55,598
The Randall Winston
bathroom of the future.
53
00:02:55,666 --> 00:02:57,198
Well, give me the tour!
54
00:02:57,266 --> 00:02:59,265
All right.
For starters,
55
00:02:59,332 --> 00:03:01,532
vacant stalls
open automatically.
56
00:03:03,833 --> 00:03:05,765
Which makes this move...
57
00:03:05,833 --> 00:03:07,932
A thing of the past.
58
00:03:11,866 --> 00:03:13,765
Beam me up, Mike.
59
00:03:13,833 --> 00:03:16,265
All the toilet paper
is recycled...
60
00:03:16,333 --> 00:03:20,099
Which, when you think
about it, is kinda gross.
61
00:03:20,166 --> 00:03:23,232
These toilets understand
flush in 15 languages.
62
00:03:23,299 --> 00:03:24,465
(SPEAKING FOREIGN WORD)
63
00:03:24,533 --> 00:03:26,398
(TOILET FLUSHES)
64
00:03:26,466 --> 00:03:27,765
(ANOTHER FOREIGN WORD)
65
00:03:27,833 --> 00:03:28,998
(FLUSH)
66
00:03:30,833 --> 00:03:32,265
(JAPANESE WORD)
67
00:03:32,333 --> 00:03:33,398
(SILENCE)
68
00:03:33,466 --> 00:03:34,932
Oh, no, it's, uh...
69
00:03:34,999 --> 00:03:36,265
It's pronounced...
(DIFFERENT PRONUNCIATION)
70
00:03:36,333 --> 00:03:37,632
(FLUSH)
71
00:03:39,833 --> 00:03:42,732
I once dated
a Japanese plumber.
72
00:03:42,799 --> 00:03:44,898
Please don't bring up
dating.
73
00:03:44,966 --> 00:03:46,265
I'm so alone.
74
00:03:46,333 --> 00:03:48,765
Mr. mayor, I would be
glad to help you out
75
00:03:48,833 --> 00:03:50,465
with some dating advice.
76
00:03:50,533 --> 00:03:53,465
I appreciate that, Carter,
but when it comes to dating,
77
00:03:53,533 --> 00:03:54,765
I'm savvier
than you think.
78
00:03:54,833 --> 00:03:56,865
I do not need
a wing nut.
79
00:03:56,933 --> 00:04:00,732
You mean
wing man, sir.
80
00:04:02,465 --> 00:04:05,266
Well, whatever. I'm gonna take
the car back to the mansion.
81
00:04:05,332 --> 00:04:08,099
Another night by myself.
82
00:04:08,167 --> 00:04:11,065
Oh, you know, my
apartment is on the way.
83
00:04:11,133 --> 00:04:12,731
Really?
I didn't know that.
84
00:04:12,800 --> 00:04:14,531
See you tomorrow.
85
00:04:17,833 --> 00:04:19,266
(SPEAKING JAPANESE WORD)
86
00:04:19,332 --> 00:04:20,899
(FLUSH)
87
00:04:25,766 --> 00:04:26,832
Good morning.
88
00:04:26,900 --> 00:04:27,832
Morning.
89
00:04:27,900 --> 00:04:29,932
You know, I just
realized something.
90
00:04:30,000 --> 00:04:31,765
At last year's
bachelor auction,
91
00:04:31,833 --> 00:04:33,731
I sold for $24 a pound.
92
00:04:35,732 --> 00:04:38,832
That's more than
lobster, baby.
93
00:04:38,900 --> 00:04:41,065
Someone's getting
a little big-headed.
94
00:04:42,465 --> 00:04:45,899
I'm sorry, did you say
something, day-old catfish?
95
00:04:48,365 --> 00:04:51,832
I was just thinking that maybe,
uh, somebody here could beat you.
96
00:04:55,833 --> 00:04:58,398
And who would that be?
97
00:04:58,465 --> 00:05:00,266
I don't know.
98
00:05:00,332 --> 00:05:02,099
Me.
99
00:05:03,499 --> 00:05:04,798
Well, that's
a bold challenge
100
00:05:04,867 --> 00:05:07,333
for a guy who last year
went for 2 subway tokens
101
00:05:07,399 --> 00:05:09,199
and a bag of
beef jerky.
102
00:05:09,267 --> 00:05:12,565
You know, what? I'm, uh...
I'm not afraid of you, Mike.
103
00:05:15,334 --> 00:05:17,299
(VOICE CRACKS)
Bring it on.
104
00:05:18,867 --> 00:05:20,598
Ah!
Aaah!
105
00:05:24,733 --> 00:05:25,932
Mike.
106
00:05:26,000 --> 00:05:28,166
You see that reporter over
there, Nina Lawrence?
107
00:05:28,234 --> 00:05:29,732
She's attractive,
she's funny.
108
00:05:29,799 --> 00:05:31,866
She always has
smart questions.
109
00:05:31,933 --> 00:05:34,565
You know, I've never
tried to pick up anyone
110
00:05:34,632 --> 00:05:36,398
in a public toilet
before.
111
00:05:36,466 --> 00:05:38,398
Ladies and gentlemen,
good afternoon.
112
00:05:38,466 --> 00:05:40,398
And welcome
to the next step
113
00:05:40,466 --> 00:05:42,199
in our quality of life
campaign.
114
00:05:42,267 --> 00:05:45,565
This toilet
represents everything
115
00:05:45,632 --> 00:05:49,099
the Winston administration
stands for.
116
00:05:49,167 --> 00:05:50,365
Sir.
117
00:05:54,632 --> 00:05:57,099
Thank you, Paul.
118
00:05:57,167 --> 00:06:00,066
I would just simply like to
dedicate this public facility
119
00:06:00,133 --> 00:06:02,065
to all new yorkers,
black and white,
120
00:06:02,133 --> 00:06:04,332
young and old...
121
00:06:04,400 --> 00:06:06,232
What about...
122
00:06:06,300 --> 00:06:07,899
Large and small?
123
00:06:07,966 --> 00:06:11,865
Well, I assume you're speaking
on behalf of the fa... uh...
124
00:06:13,300 --> 00:06:15,332
I looked in your
stalls.
125
00:06:15,400 --> 00:06:17,465
Past the space age
doors,
126
00:06:17,533 --> 00:06:20,465
the walls are so narrow, I
can't even get to the toilet.
127
00:06:20,533 --> 00:06:22,565
S-sir, don't you think
you're exaggerating
128
00:06:22,633 --> 00:06:24,399
just a little bit?
129
00:06:24,466 --> 00:06:25,765
(GRUNTS)
130
00:06:27,033 --> 00:06:29,165
Now what do you
have to say?
131
00:06:29,233 --> 00:06:32,432
I think we'd better call
in the jaws of life.
132
00:06:40,499 --> 00:06:43,532
I can't believe I let
the guy ambush me.
133
00:06:43,599 --> 00:06:46,498
Yeah. You think you
would've seen him comin'.
134
00:06:48,499 --> 00:06:50,598
Just watch
what you say, ok?
135
00:06:50,666 --> 00:06:52,498
'Cause I can't afford to
give him any more ammo.
136
00:06:52,566 --> 00:06:54,998
I been in politics over 15 years.
Do you really think
137
00:06:55,066 --> 00:06:57,899
I can't sit through a meeting with some
overweight people without making a...
138
00:06:57,966 --> 00:07:00,899
Mike. I believe
you know Ken Payson.
139
00:07:00,966 --> 00:07:04,065
I represent the league
of large new yorkers.
140
00:07:06,367 --> 00:07:09,099
You don't say.
141
00:07:15,500 --> 00:07:18,099
We have a list
of demands.
142
00:07:18,166 --> 00:07:20,132
Mr. Flaherty...
143
00:07:20,200 --> 00:07:22,532
Our organization
is hungry for some action.
144
00:07:22,600 --> 00:07:23,932
Actually...
Stuart.
145
00:07:24,000 --> 00:07:25,432
Sorry.
146
00:07:29,533 --> 00:07:31,932
Larger subway seats.
Bigger bus doors.
147
00:07:32,000 --> 00:07:36,665
Mr. Payson, you have to appreciate
how many people we have to please.
148
00:07:36,733 --> 00:07:38,432
Take the preservationists...
149
00:07:38,500 --> 00:07:42,132
they wanna limit human
access to central park.
150
00:07:42,200 --> 00:07:44,932
The rollerbladers wanna
pave the whole thing over.
151
00:07:45,000 --> 00:07:47,732
The nudists just want
another petting zoo.
152
00:07:47,800 --> 00:07:51,199
And I don't think they mean
it in the traditional sense.
153
00:07:51,266 --> 00:07:54,299
You can't just brush us
aside, Mr. Flaherty.
154
00:07:54,367 --> 00:07:57,932
Our group represents over 12% of
New York's voting population.
155
00:07:58,000 --> 00:08:00,499
We have enormous assets!
156
00:08:07,366 --> 00:08:10,765
I gotta go.
157
00:08:10,832 --> 00:08:13,731
You know, sir, before I was
married, I was quite the don Juan.
158
00:08:13,799 --> 00:08:15,231
More like
don knotts.
159
00:08:15,299 --> 00:08:17,231
Ha ha ha ha ha.
160
00:08:17,299 --> 00:08:18,565
She wants me.
161
00:08:18,632 --> 00:08:20,065
Anyway...
162
00:08:20,132 --> 00:08:23,498
When it comes to picking up birds,
Paul lassiter read the book.
163
00:08:23,566 --> 00:08:25,265
You mean wrote the
book, don't you?
164
00:08:25,332 --> 00:08:27,631
No, sir. No, sir,
I read the book.
165
00:08:27,699 --> 00:08:30,465
You see, when I was 12, my mother
had a copy of our bodies, ourselves
166
00:08:30,533 --> 00:08:32,631
in her closet.
167
00:08:32,699 --> 00:08:35,065
I'm telling you,
it's like a treasure map!
168
00:08:38,066 --> 00:08:40,399
You were a lonely boy,
weren't you, Paul?
169
00:08:40,467 --> 00:08:43,231
Oh, sir, you have
no idea. Anyway,
170
00:08:43,299 --> 00:08:46,498
when you're approaching a woman,
the first thing you wanna do...
171
00:08:46,566 --> 00:08:47,865
I don't believe
this!
172
00:08:47,933 --> 00:08:49,598
You went to Paul
for advice?
173
00:08:49,666 --> 00:08:51,831
Carter, you're gay.
174
00:08:51,899 --> 00:08:53,831
Sir, he's Paul.
175
00:08:55,433 --> 00:08:57,231
He got you there.
176
00:09:00,066 --> 00:09:02,365
Stuart, security called.
Your sister's downstairs.
177
00:09:02,433 --> 00:09:04,132
Great!
178
00:09:04,199 --> 00:09:05,499
We're goin'
to lunch.
179
00:09:05,566 --> 00:09:06,865
Wait, your sister's
downstairs.
180
00:09:06,933 --> 00:09:08,865
Bring her up.
We wanna meet her.
181
00:09:08,933 --> 00:09:11,365
Just imagine me
in a dress, ok?
182
00:09:11,433 --> 00:09:13,232
Not you.
183
00:09:14,933 --> 00:09:16,465
Yeah, Stuart,
184
00:09:16,533 --> 00:09:18,865
you in a dress!
That's my dream guy!
185
00:09:18,933 --> 00:09:20,632
Hey, how you doing?
186
00:09:23,533 --> 00:09:26,965
All right, James. I've decided
I'm gonna help you beat Mike.
187
00:09:27,033 --> 00:09:28,532
I don't need your help.
188
00:09:28,600 --> 00:09:30,265
Come on. Let me see how you're
gonna walk down the runway.
189
00:09:30,333 --> 00:09:33,265
Yes.
You want a runway walk?
190
00:09:43,833 --> 00:09:45,465
Pretty good, huh?
191
00:09:45,533 --> 00:09:46,465
Yeah!
192
00:09:46,533 --> 00:09:48,298
Now do it again...
193
00:09:48,366 --> 00:09:50,632
And this time like a guy.
194
00:09:51,699 --> 00:09:54,532
You'll hear from us
in the papers.
195
00:09:54,600 --> 00:09:56,432
Wait. G-guys,
come back.
196
00:09:56,500 --> 00:09:58,132
Please...
197
00:09:58,199 --> 00:10:01,298
I'm sorry, I can't meet
all these demands.
198
00:10:01,366 --> 00:10:04,465
If you understood what
we go through every day,
199
00:10:04,533 --> 00:10:06,565
I think you'd see
things differently.
200
00:10:06,633 --> 00:10:09,698
If I could walk a mile in your
shoes, believe me, I would.
201
00:10:09,766 --> 00:10:12,499
I just... you know, I can't
gain 200 pounds over night!
202
00:10:12,566 --> 00:10:15,865
(BAD TO THE BONE PLAYS)
203
00:10:29,633 --> 00:10:32,099
Stuart, it's been 3 days. How
come we haven't seen your sister?
204
00:10:32,166 --> 00:10:34,398
Hey, gomer,
205
00:10:34,466 --> 00:10:36,765
this isn't Wisconsin.
206
00:10:36,833 --> 00:10:39,932
Every time a relative
comes to town,
207
00:10:40,000 --> 00:10:42,932
we don't parade them down
main street riding a pig.
208
00:10:44,066 --> 00:10:46,365
Stuart, that is
so 1980s.
209
00:10:49,133 --> 00:10:51,065
(HEAVY FOOTSTEPS,
RUSTLING MATERIAL)
210
00:10:51,133 --> 00:10:52,765
Do you guys
hear that sound?
211
00:10:52,833 --> 00:10:54,265
Yeah, what is that?
212
00:10:54,333 --> 00:10:55,565
Corduroy.
213
00:11:01,465 --> 00:11:04,198
Mike, are you really
gonna wear that all day?
214
00:11:04,265 --> 00:11:07,431
That was the deal to keep
this thing outta the papers.
215
00:11:07,499 --> 00:11:11,464
I still say we could've handled this
whole situation with cookie dough.
216
00:11:11,532 --> 00:11:13,598
They figure if I
wear this for 8 hours,
217
00:11:13,666 --> 00:11:15,631
I'll achieve some new
level of sensitivity.
218
00:11:15,700 --> 00:11:17,498
I'll bet after sex...
219
00:11:17,566 --> 00:11:20,099
You roll over
and smoke a ham!
220
00:11:26,199 --> 00:11:27,999
That's funny.
221
00:11:28,067 --> 00:11:29,732
Anybody else?
222
00:11:29,800 --> 00:11:31,832
Uh, Mike, have you
seen Stacy's shoes?
223
00:11:31,900 --> 00:11:32,832
No.
224
00:11:32,900 --> 00:11:34,732
Really?
Neither has she!
225
00:11:37,232 --> 00:11:39,531
Wait.
I told that wrong.
226
00:11:41,733 --> 00:11:43,665
I need to make
a mature decision here,
227
00:11:43,733 --> 00:11:46,166
and since there still seems
to be some disagreement
228
00:11:46,232 --> 00:11:48,298
over the rock, paper,
scissors, game...
229
00:11:48,365 --> 00:11:50,665
I still don't understand
why paper beats rock.
230
00:11:50,733 --> 00:11:52,166
It just does.
231
00:11:52,232 --> 00:11:53,799
Tell you what,
Paul.
232
00:11:53,866 --> 00:11:55,799
You bring a piece of
paper, I'll bring a rock,
233
00:11:55,866 --> 00:11:57,799
and I'll meet ya
in the playground.
234
00:11:57,866 --> 00:11:59,166
I'm just explaining
the rules!
235
00:11:59,232 --> 00:12:01,066
Gentlemen, gentlemen!
Talk is cheap.
236
00:12:01,133 --> 00:12:02,632
Show me your stuff.
237
00:12:03,867 --> 00:12:05,331
I'll go first.
238
00:12:07,733 --> 00:12:08,665
Well...
239
00:12:08,733 --> 00:12:10,331
Ah...
240
00:12:10,399 --> 00:12:11,799
It's already
happening.
241
00:12:13,599 --> 00:12:15,899
It's all in
the eye contact.
242
00:12:15,967 --> 00:12:17,899
Takes about 10,
15 minutes,
243
00:12:17,967 --> 00:12:20,032
and then she usually
says, "hey...
244
00:12:20,100 --> 00:12:22,233
What's your problem?"
245
00:12:22,299 --> 00:12:23,732
Oh, my God.
246
00:12:23,800 --> 00:12:26,799
Ah, ah, ah, ah. Did you see that?
Huh, huh, huh?
247
00:12:26,867 --> 00:12:28,365
She's already
uncomfortable.
248
00:12:28,432 --> 00:12:32,665
Oh, I may boat this marlin
sooner than I thought.
249
00:12:34,000 --> 00:12:36,199
Excuse me. I'm gonna try
a more radical approach.
250
00:12:36,266 --> 00:12:37,331
Hello.
251
00:12:37,399 --> 00:12:40,398
Oh, sugar, he's right
in my eyeline.
252
00:12:40,466 --> 00:12:42,431
Paul, I'm gonna go
with Carter on this.
253
00:12:42,499 --> 00:12:46,198
But the next time I wanna stalk someone...
Tch. You're my guy.
254
00:12:48,366 --> 00:12:50,298
You know, she's just
using you to get to me.
255
00:12:50,366 --> 00:12:52,465
No. She's using me
to get away from you.
256
00:13:01,966 --> 00:13:04,232
Somebody bring me a pen!
257
00:13:04,300 --> 00:13:05,699
Here you go.
258
00:13:05,766 --> 00:13:08,032
Thank you.
259
00:13:08,099 --> 00:13:09,665
So, uh, Nik,
260
00:13:09,733 --> 00:13:12,799
you bringing, uh, Arthur
to the bachelor auction?
261
00:13:12,866 --> 00:13:14,598
No. He's still
in Paris.
262
00:13:14,666 --> 00:13:16,732
Ah. Paris.
263
00:13:19,233 --> 00:13:20,332
Paree.
264
00:13:25,233 --> 00:13:27,665
Lots of pretty
girls in Paris.
265
00:13:27,733 --> 00:13:30,665
You know, with their,
uh, short skirts
266
00:13:30,733 --> 00:13:33,065
and their, uh...
No bras.
267
00:13:33,133 --> 00:13:36,365
Are you, um, going
anywhere with this, Mike?
268
00:13:36,433 --> 00:13:37,565
Yeah, Nikki...
269
00:13:45,166 --> 00:13:48,598
Look, I know things got a
little messy last week,
270
00:13:48,666 --> 00:13:50,932
but, uh...
271
00:13:53,733 --> 00:13:56,165
What... what about
you and me?
272
00:13:56,233 --> 00:13:58,165
A-are we
going anywhere?
273
00:13:58,233 --> 00:14:00,932
I mean...
Do I have a shot?
274
00:14:03,966 --> 00:14:06,199
Mike, this is
too weird!
275
00:14:06,267 --> 00:14:07,499
Wait. Nik, Nik,
276
00:14:07,566 --> 00:14:09,665
Nikki, listen.
277
00:14:09,733 --> 00:14:11,099
278
00:14:12,267 --> 00:14:14,132
Hey, you got mail.
279
00:14:16,733 --> 00:14:18,165
Ja-ames!
280
00:14:18,233 --> 00:14:20,599
Look at you!
281
00:14:22,066 --> 00:14:23,699
You look
amazing.
282
00:14:23,767 --> 00:14:24,699
Really?
283
00:14:24,767 --> 00:14:26,399
Yeah!
284
00:14:26,466 --> 00:14:28,432
Doesn't he,
janelle?
285
00:14:28,500 --> 00:14:31,599
I could eat him up.
286
00:14:31,666 --> 00:14:33,299
You guys really
notice a difference?
287
00:14:33,367 --> 00:14:35,532
Mm-mm!
288
00:14:35,600 --> 00:14:37,699
Wait...
Did I just moan?
289
00:14:37,767 --> 00:14:39,499
Yes, Stacy.
290
00:14:39,566 --> 00:14:41,899
Yes, you did.
291
00:14:47,400 --> 00:14:50,665
You play with a man's ego,
you're playing with fire.
292
00:14:50,733 --> 00:14:52,499
So I boost a man's
ego a little bit.
293
00:14:52,566 --> 00:14:55,432
A guy gets a little cocky, what's
the worst thing that could happen?
294
00:14:55,500 --> 00:14:58,065
I wish the bathroom
had 2 mirrors.
295
00:14:58,133 --> 00:15:00,832
It's hard to see
how hot my butt is.
296
00:15:02,967 --> 00:15:03,898
Hey, Mike.
297
00:15:03,967 --> 00:15:05,199
Whoa!
298
00:15:06,967 --> 00:15:08,898
Did you eat
that whole bag?
299
00:15:08,967 --> 00:15:10,399
Uh-huh.
300
00:15:10,466 --> 00:15:12,531
You know the funny part?
301
00:15:12,599 --> 00:15:14,399
I wasn't even hungry.
302
00:15:14,466 --> 00:15:17,898
I just looked in the
mirror, and I figured...
303
00:15:17,967 --> 00:15:20,132
What the hell?
304
00:15:21,434 --> 00:15:24,266
Well, we're late
for the bachelor auction.
305
00:15:24,334 --> 00:15:26,999
Oh, hey! It's 6:00.
Great. I'm free.
306
00:15:27,067 --> 00:15:28,832
Ok.
Here. Undo my zipper.
307
00:15:28,899 --> 00:15:30,731
You know, being this big
wasn't so bad.
308
00:15:30,799 --> 00:15:34,032
When I walk through a crowd, it's
like Moses parting the red sea.
309
00:15:34,100 --> 00:15:36,333
And suddenly you understand what
it's like to be overweight?
310
00:15:36,400 --> 00:15:38,631
I'm wearing women's
underwear right now.
311
00:15:38,699 --> 00:15:40,598
That doesn't make me
a feminist.
312
00:15:43,334 --> 00:15:44,465
It's, uh...
313
00:15:44,532 --> 00:15:47,465
Something that dierdre
makes me do on wednesdays.
314
00:15:48,866 --> 00:15:50,865
It's Thursday, Stu.
315
00:15:50,933 --> 00:15:53,465
Let's not change
the subject, ok?
316
00:15:53,532 --> 00:15:56,333
It's not a thong,
is it?
317
00:15:56,400 --> 00:15:58,898
You don't know anything
about the rejection
318
00:15:58,967 --> 00:16:02,065
that heavy people deal with or the
humiliation or the embarrassment.
319
00:16:02,133 --> 00:16:04,065
Oh, and you do.
320
00:16:04,133 --> 00:16:05,832
Well... My sister does.
321
00:16:07,333 --> 00:16:08,798
She's not so, uh...
322
00:16:08,866 --> 00:16:10,198
Whoa! Here's the other half.
323
00:16:11,466 --> 00:16:12,698
Wow, she is...
324
00:16:12,766 --> 00:16:14,865
She has to go through
life like that.
325
00:16:14,933 --> 00:16:17,432
And you... You didn't
even leave the office.
326
00:16:19,000 --> 00:16:20,932
I don't think
you understand anything.
327
00:16:22,333 --> 00:16:25,598
Where are my chips?
My chips understand me.
328
00:16:36,633 --> 00:16:38,832
Carter, Nina's here.
329
00:16:38,900 --> 00:16:40,098
This is my big moment.
330
00:16:40,166 --> 00:16:42,732
Now, what have you
got for me?
331
00:16:42,799 --> 00:16:46,232
Ok... Just be yourself.
332
00:16:47,566 --> 00:16:51,465
What kind of cheapo fortune
cookie sentiment is that?
333
00:16:51,533 --> 00:16:54,899
Mr. mayor, if there's
somebody out there you want,
334
00:16:54,966 --> 00:16:56,532
she's yours.
335
00:16:56,599 --> 00:16:59,265
You just gotta
go out there... And take it!
336
00:16:59,333 --> 00:17:00,565
Take it!
337
00:17:11,833 --> 00:17:13,665
Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.
338
00:17:13,733 --> 00:17:15,565
Though it's not
in your program,
339
00:17:15,633 --> 00:17:17,765
I have decided to
declare myself
340
00:17:17,833 --> 00:17:20,565
the first bachelor
up for auction tonight.
341
00:17:23,199 --> 00:17:27,231
All right, now,
do I hear $100?
342
00:17:27,299 --> 00:17:29,231
$500!
343
00:17:29,299 --> 00:17:30,264
Ok.
344
00:17:30,332 --> 00:17:32,665
Yes, do I hear $600?
345
00:17:32,733 --> 00:17:36,066
Yes, $600 from the
lady in the back
346
00:17:36,132 --> 00:17:37,932
with the red hair.
347
00:17:38,933 --> 00:17:40,699
Do I hear $700?
348
00:17:40,766 --> 00:17:42,398
$1,000.
349
00:17:42,466 --> 00:17:43,531
Damn.
350
00:17:45,299 --> 00:17:48,531
Damn, that sure is
a lotta money!
351
00:17:48,600 --> 00:17:50,032
What's that, $1,100
352
00:17:50,099 --> 00:17:52,599
again from the lady
in the back?
353
00:17:52,666 --> 00:17:54,599
Boy, that's sure gonna
be hard to beat.
354
00:17:54,666 --> 00:17:56,264
I can't imagine
seeing $1,200,
355
00:17:56,332 --> 00:17:59,431
what with so many women wanting
to save money for bingo!
356
00:17:59,499 --> 00:18:02,431
$1,500!
357
00:18:02,499 --> 00:18:03,965
And there it is.
358
00:18:05,932 --> 00:18:08,698
Carter, go tell Nina whatever
she has to bid, I'll pay.
359
00:18:08,766 --> 00:18:10,265
Ok, now!
360
00:18:10,332 --> 00:18:11,265
Uh...
361
00:18:11,332 --> 00:18:13,165
What do I hear?
Do I hear...
362
00:18:13,232 --> 00:18:16,132
$2,000!
363
00:18:16,199 --> 00:18:17,698
Oh, dear.
364
00:18:19,666 --> 00:18:22,865
Come on, now. Let me see
that spin move again.
365
00:18:27,332 --> 00:18:29,398
Wow! Ooh!
366
00:18:32,966 --> 00:18:34,765
Ok, now you're
teasing me.
367
00:18:34,832 --> 00:18:37,698
This is ridiculous.
368
00:18:37,766 --> 00:18:39,331
LA-dies, please!
369
00:18:39,399 --> 00:18:42,231
There's plenty of Uncle
James to go around, huh?
370
00:18:42,299 --> 00:18:45,431
James, she was trying
to boost your confidence.
371
00:18:45,499 --> 00:18:46,898
What?
372
00:18:46,966 --> 00:18:49,365
You don't need someone
blowing smoke at you.
373
00:18:49,432 --> 00:18:51,632
You believe
in yourself, don't you?
374
00:18:51,699 --> 00:18:53,698
No, not much.
375
00:18:53,766 --> 00:18:55,765
James... Look at me.
376
00:18:55,832 --> 00:18:57,632
You can do this.
377
00:18:57,699 --> 00:18:59,298
I can, can't I?
378
00:18:59,366 --> 00:19:00,632
Well, ladies,
379
00:19:00,699 --> 00:19:03,332
the next bachelor
is my speech writer,
380
00:19:03,399 --> 00:19:05,099
James hobert!
381
00:19:05,166 --> 00:19:07,132
Go get 'em, tiger.
(APPLAUSE)
382
00:19:07,200 --> 00:19:09,165
Ladies, here comes
the love train!
383
00:19:09,233 --> 00:19:10,632
Hoo-aah!
384
00:19:13,200 --> 00:19:14,965
Ok, ok.
385
00:19:15,033 --> 00:19:17,965
The next hot bachelor
on the auction block
386
00:19:18,033 --> 00:19:20,498
is our own deputy mayor,
Michael Flaherty!
387
00:19:22,299 --> 00:19:25,132
Now, Michael is a
self-described workout fanatic
388
00:19:25,200 --> 00:19:27,632
who enjoys tennis
and kick-boxing.
389
00:19:30,833 --> 00:19:33,432
Go on, Mike,
show 'em what you got.
390
00:19:33,499 --> 00:19:37,232
(MUSIC PLAYS)
391
00:19:40,833 --> 00:19:43,865
Let the bidding begin!
392
00:19:57,700 --> 00:19:59,199
You know...
393
00:19:59,266 --> 00:20:02,798
These extra layers
may protect me from the cold,
394
00:20:02,866 --> 00:20:06,298
but they won't protect me from
the coldness of your hearts.
395
00:20:07,899 --> 00:20:09,965
Now, inside,
underneath all this,
396
00:20:10,033 --> 00:20:12,498
I'm a warm, caring,
wonderful person,
397
00:20:12,566 --> 00:20:14,132
so... Let's try this again.
398
00:20:16,200 --> 00:20:18,265
(MUSIC PLAYS)
399
00:20:22,633 --> 00:20:25,365
Let the bidding begin!
400
00:20:32,700 --> 00:20:34,599
You people suck.
401
00:20:40,633 --> 00:20:42,632
I have to warn you.
402
00:20:42,700 --> 00:20:45,599
I'm a little out of practice
when it comes to dating.
403
00:20:45,666 --> 00:20:47,332
Don't worry,
I'm already impressed.
404
00:20:47,399 --> 00:20:51,632
Well, just you wait. You
know I live in a mansion.
405
00:20:51,700 --> 00:20:53,132
Very funny.
406
00:20:53,200 --> 00:20:55,132
Well, should we head
off to the restaurant?
407
00:20:55,200 --> 00:20:56,432
Sure.
408
00:20:58,200 --> 00:21:01,431
You know...
I... I have to tell you.
409
00:21:01,499 --> 00:21:05,799
Spending $2,400 just to
spend an evening with me...
410
00:21:05,866 --> 00:21:07,631
It's an incredible
gesture.
411
00:21:07,699 --> 00:21:10,598
No, no, nothing could ruin
the romance of this moment.
412
00:21:10,666 --> 00:21:15,665
Oh, good, 'cause I was worried it
would make you feel like prostitute.
413
00:21:19,200 --> 00:21:21,166
Shall we?
414
00:21:26,033 --> 00:21:27,298
Well, it's done.
415
00:21:27,365 --> 00:21:29,498
I just told Ken
we were renovating
416
00:21:29,565 --> 00:21:31,632
all the facilities
at the park.
417
00:21:31,700 --> 00:21:35,266
Hey. This is
my sister, Lynn.
418
00:21:35,332 --> 00:21:37,364
Hi.
419
00:21:37,432 --> 00:21:38,932
That picture...
420
00:21:39,000 --> 00:21:40,965
Came from
a magazine.
421
00:21:41,033 --> 00:21:42,899
I don't know
who that was.
422
00:21:42,966 --> 00:21:45,732
Is there a reason
why you would do this to me?
423
00:21:45,800 --> 00:21:48,099
Did you not strut
down a runway
424
00:21:48,166 --> 00:21:50,232
in a 300-pound
fat suit?
425
00:21:51,900 --> 00:21:53,765
Yeah.
426
00:21:53,833 --> 00:21:55,665
Then I don't understand
the question.
427
00:21:57,599 --> 00:21:58,965
MAN: Sit, ubu, sit.Good dog.
428
00:21:59,033 --> 00:22:00,232
(BARKING)
429
00:22:01,833 --> 00:22:02,966
Moo.
430
00:22:03,016 --> 00:22:07,566
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