Original subtitles

oh, for god's sake, just use a toothpick.

done. sesame seed dislodged.

oh, put it back and i divorce you.

i divorce you.

you won.

did i?

okay, i bet jeff will know. - it's not important.

who's that actor who's in all those movies?

a little early in the morning for this.

no, he was in one of the speeds. - bus or boat?

bus, but not the main guy. - jeff daniels.

yes. i told you he'd know.

super, now we can move on with our lives. - what about jeff daniels?

oh, i just saw a guy who kind of looked like him.

for my time.

hey, jeff. - brad. this is my wife audrey.

these are our friends adam and jennifer. i met brad at the gym.

he had my back in a fight. - it wasn't exactly a fight.

we banded together against a pregnant woman who wanted to watch the view.

all she got was a view of us watching sports.

we make a good team. - they should make a buddy cop show about us.

it'd be like a lethal weapon. it's got a black guy, a white guy.

i'll be the black guy.

i never get to be the black guy.

oh, you know who'd be good on that show? who's that short guy? the one that's funny?

maybe just look at a menu for a bit.

hey, if you're interested,

some pals and i are getting together at sports bar to watch the first play-off game. you're welcome to join.

sports and bar. my two favorite words.

where's the word "wife" on that list?

right between "refill" and "bacon".

i'll text you the details. nice to have met you.

see ya, jeffrey.

i gotta say, i'm a little proud of myself.

before you met me, you never would've had a friend like brad.

what are you talking about? i got a bunch of black friends.

the knicks are not your friends.

not the way they're playing now.

i meant a gay friend. - what?

who's gay?

what do you mean gay?

i think brad might be gay.

yeah, i got that vibe too.

why? was he checking me out? he was checking me out, wasn't he?

no, he was, you probably just didn't notice it. i mean i get that kind of heat all the time.

yes, and it's not weird at all that you're proud of it.

sorry to disappoint you, but brad's not gay. he just got married.

really? - yeah, up in boston.

oh, where it's legal to pronounce a couple "husband and husband".

come on. - well have you met his wife?

no, she's out of town. - what's her name?

i think jackie. - oh, like jackie gleason.

jackie robinson. - jackie chan.

jackie-- that's the short guy that i was thinking of.

look, brad's not gay. i could tell.

how? - because we showered in a room full of guys

and he didn't... react.

oh, you checked?

no, just shut up.

he did call you jeffrey.

the only other person who calls you that is that guy who lives upstairs who puts the sweater on his poodle.

and when he left, he did say, "nice to have met you." that's kind of gay.

how do you figure? - it's just so charming.

well, well, well... if it isn't the table where happiness goes to die.

this is me new special friend, amanda.

why don't you grab that booth over there, honey. i'll be there in two seconds.

okay. nice to meet you.

that's how straight people say it.

take a good look at what she's wearing.

hopefully she'll be wearing the same thing tomorrow morning when she stumbles out of my apartment.

well you better set an alarm. you wouldn't want her to miss homeroom.

what are you going to do all day? lay low, dodge the amber alert?

seriously russell, she's young enough to be your daughter.

well that wraps up another edition of "you think it's a shot,

i take it as a compliment."

hey, buddy. you gonna to saddle up?

no, today i'm gonna do some weights. i got to feed the pythons.

what do you think of that? - nice.

really? good to know.

you don't see spandex like that anymore.

yeah, you don't.

that's a lot of weight. - oh, it's mostly muscle.

i meant on the bar. i better spot you.

one...

two...

three!

i'm going to skip it.

not feeling it today? - oh, i felt it a little.

hope you're feeling it tonight. i'm looking forward to the game.

hey is jackie coming?

no, jackie is not into sports.

and neither is my--

person i'm in a committed relationship with.

your wife? - yeah.

i call her my... person i'm in a committed relationship with.

pet name.

what do you call yours? - my husband.

and she doesn't mind that?

you know i'm gay, right? - of course, you're gay as hell.

because for a second, it sounded like you thought jackie was a woman.

a woman? no, no, jackie is a dude. just like you.

otherwise it would be pretty awkward.

well there's nothing more awkward than being gay as hell

and finding out the guy you're married to is straight.

oh please, if i had a nickel.

anyway, i'll see you later.

hey, you still got the weight.

it's mostly muscle.

right. so then i said to the limo driver,

"if this thing's a stretch, i'm shaquille o'neal."

that's funny. - yeah it is,

'cause i'm clearly not him.

i like you, russell.

most guys wouldn't hang in there after only getting a peck on the cheek the first two dates.

well... i think it's very important to get to know someone

emotionally before getting physical.

physical, of course, still what we're working toward.

well, good things come to those who wait.

well let me take your order, 'cause i'm a waiter.

i'll get us some more wine.

i'll be right here in the waiting room.

hey, who's this woman in the picture here with you?

oh, that's my mother.

hey, uh... remember when audrey said amanda was young enough to be my daughter?

yeah, she may be. she may literally be my daughter.

how is that possible? - i saw a picture of her mom,

it's some girl i had a one-nighter with back in college.

oh, my god. you went to college?

so you and amanda haven't already? - no... no, no, no.

so i'm either proud my little girl's not a slut,

or pissed that the ice queen's not giving it up.

did she like freak out when you told her about you and her mother?

dude, i didn't tell her. - why not?

'cause i don't want to ruin any future sex i may be having with her if she's not my daughter.

that is beautiful.

does she know who the father is? - i don't know,

her mom says her real dad's just some scumball that she hooked up with,

and she's embarrassed she ever slept with him.

so that fits.

i know, right?

this is weird. for you weird, i mean.

like-like something that's weird for regular people

is normal for you, you know.

something that is weird for you has to be off the charts deranged.

yeah, okay, i have a grasp of the situation, thanks.

so you can't date her anymore.

no, no, no... not until i get the test results of the dna from the lab.

this lab of yours, i assume you have them on a monthly rate?

are you going "csi"? - oh, yeah. full on.

i got a hair sample from her brush,

and for comparison, a semen sample from me.

also from her brush?

why didn't you just give them a hair sample too?

oh, that's real fun.

how was the gym? - gym.

good.

was brad there?

so?

so...

you were right.

i told you so, jeffrey.

you don't have to hold it over my head,

like brad did this morning.

i am proud of you. you made yourself a gay friend.

well... it would have saved some confusion if he was a little more up front about it.

why? when you meet people, do you say, "hi, i'm jeff. i'm straight"?

oh, please. when the sun meets people, does it say,

"hi, i'm the sun. i'm hot"?

it's hard to argue with a sentence that begins "when the sun meets people."

look i'm going to order a large pizza for the game. what would you like on your slice?

make it something i like, just in case.

i thought you were watching the game at the bar with brad.

i don't feel like going out.

so you're canceling on brad because he's gay?

what? no.

i don't care what people do in their own bedrooms,

i could do without their parades screwing up traffic.

but whatever. the irish and puerto ricans do that too.

why don't you complain when the mets have a parade?

because they won something.

they don't have a parade just to say,

"we're here. we play baseball. get used to it."

please tell me you don't talk like this outside our apartment.

i may, i don't always listen to myself.

well you should, jeff. because you sound kind of homophobic.

you were going to watch the game with brad. you found out he was gay. you cancelled.

not because he was gay.

then why? - because we have nothing in common.

you have watching the game in common.

it would be like watching it with someone who speaks a different language.

if i watched with a french guy, i'd be like, "great play". and he'd be like,

"ooh-la-la... camembert... souffle".

tell yourself anything you want. i think you just don't want to hang out with a gay person.

or a french person.

it's not like we're going to be buddies.

what if we're at the diner with the guys complaing about women?

what's poor brad gonna do?

why don't you just not complain about women?

that's not really up to me, is it?

all right, yay or nay on this pie?

unbelievable. - what?

you! you are homophobic.

that is ridiculous. - no, you know damn well

if brad were straight you would be at that bar tonight.

and the fact that you're not, that makes you a homophobe.

all right, that's it.

where are you going? - i gonna go watch the game with brad and all his gay pals.

so that you will see that i am not a homophobe.

i am a homo-friend.

this place is sweet. thanks for inviting me.

well, i didn't want you to waste that "heat-seeking" shirt.

thanks, i just got this. it's actually a cotton-poly blend, but--

shut up.

glad you came along. nice shirt. - thanks, man.

getting a little hot in here, isn't it?

the game started yet? - no...

fergie just finished dry-humping the national anthem.

"oh say can you see the botox"?

fergie.

william, roger... adam, jeffrey.

jeff, just jeff. no 'frey.

jeff and i belong to the same club.

health club, you know gym. my wife's a member there too.

my wife audrey. woman.

jeff is straight, in case anyone missed that sledgehammer.

i'll go get us some drinks. - i'll go with you.

hold on a second, i want to ask you something.

come here.

what do you think about adam and roger?

eh, no, no, adam's not gay.

are you sure?

no, i'm not.

i just can't tell anymore.

and that haircut doesn't exactly scream, "i like girls."

beers for you guys... and i decided to try a sea breeze.

doesn't that drink come with a blouse?

of course not, and why would it?

in fact, let me try that.

wow, that is refreshing. brad, would you like to try?

really? and get to be the third mouth on that straw?

maybe the bus boy with the cold sore should get in there first.

check out that play.

oh, i got that guy on my fantasy team. - you know, jeff plays fantasy baseball.

who's on your team?

well, i just got a-rod. i didn't just get a rod.

i just picked up alex rodriguez. i didn't pick him up,

i traded for him.

so to sum it up, you have alex rodriguez, you don't have an erection.

that is my current status.

oh, jeez, too much head.

god, excuse me.

what was that? did you have a stroke or something? - why a-rod?

why couldn't i have said albert pujols?

pujols, that's worse than a-rod.

you're freaking yourself out. - i don't know what's happening.

look, in my ears, everything i say sounds wrong.

well, and in everyone else's ears too.

maybe audrey was right. maybe i am uncomfortable around gay people.

mm, doesn't seem like a picnic for them either.

i gotta get out of here before i say something really stupid.

well, then you better leave ten minutes ago.

are you coming? - hell no, i still got half a breeze left.

where are you going?

you know what...

audrey just called, and she wants me home.

i am so disappointed. i didn't think you were that kind of guy.

i'm sorry, but my father was very old-fashioned--

dude, you are so whipped.

what? - well, your wife called,

and you come running home. i told jackie i was working late tonight.

right, i am that kind of guy.

you lied to jackie?

his parents are in town. i needed a break.

no, no, i get it. by the way, i am not whipped.

i lie to audrey all the time.

yeah, well what are you using now? 'cause jackie's starting to catch on to the "working late" thing.

well i've had some success with "broken down subway",

and "stuck in elevator"

and a "fight with hot dog vendor", that one's often not a lie.

how do you keep track of all of them? - i keep a chart in my wallet.

i would very much like to see that.

buy me a beer and i'll show it to you.

all right, but after the beer do i still get to see the chart?

that's some good gay humor there.

yes, i know i've called twice, but i'm kind of anxious for the results.

all right, fine. but if this were in las vegas, grissom would've cracked this case hours ago.

oh, hey, amanda. what're you doing here?

well, like i said, "good things come to those who wait."

and you've waited, so...

oh, holy moly.

it's time for your good thing.

okay, come to daddy. oh, wait, that's right, that's right.

what's the matter? - i don't know, maybe nothing. probably, i'm not sure yet.

you seem confused.

no, it's just right now my brain is making decisions

that are usually made elsewhere.

maybe this will help clear things up.

cover yourself up, young lady!

is this a role-playing thing? - well if it were up to me, of course it would be.

but it's just not a good time. sorry.

come on! i'm here. barely wearing anything...

wanting you. - no, not there.

you know, my house, my rules, so...

russell, are you not attracted to me?

no, of course i am. i mean i should be, probably.

you know depending on how it turns out.

um, i think i'm going to have to call it a night. so i'll have to ask you to leave.

but why?

because i said so, missy, that's why. now scoot.

i'm sorry.

guess i'll go prepare another sample for the lab.

yes, it does back up traffic, as do all parades.

but i wouldn't know who to talk to about that.

so i have another question. - all right.

but not another one about anderson cooper.

with two guys, you guys must be pretty much doing it all the time, right?

with no woman there to say no.

it's still a marriage. there's always someone there to say no.

so when you're done with sex, does one of you want to cuddle and the other one wants to watch sportscenter?

yeah, like, does jackie get upset when you leave the toilet seat up?

why don't you write all these down, and i'll get back to you.

excuse me, can i get a vanilla sundae? no nuts please. thank you.

wow, no nuts is right, sea breeze.

try not to spill any on your panties.

hey, i switched back to beer.

yeah, after the white wine spritzer.

roger bought that for me. it would've been rude not to drink it.

hey...got the results of the dna test.

russell, this is brad. he's gay.

brad, this is russell. he almost slept with his own daughter.

and i made you uncomfortable?

well, is she your daughter?

i don't know. i haven't opened it.

and i'm not going to. - why not?

i don't want to know either way.

if it is my daughter, clearly the mom doesn't want me in her life.

and i have to respect that.

and if it isn't... i'd just be disappointed.

the thought of having a child might give some meaning to my life.

she's not your daughter. - gotta go.

so, anyway, now that we're getting married,

i've decided to stop getting heat from other people.

oh, thanks, sweetie.

i only hope i can give you all the heat that you deserve.

i know you'll try your best.

here you go, sweetie.

i can't turn it off.

guess where my evolved, open-minded husband just was.

playing basketball with his new gay friend. - wow, is he any good?

surprisingly, not a great ball-handler.

jeff, no more gay jokes. - okay.

what are you drinking?

it's a virgin sea breeze.

go ahead.

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