Original subtitles

Oh, Dad,

we've got to do something about our astrologer.

Madam Dolores? Why?

I just don't think her heart's in it anymore.

"Pisces.

Something bad may or may not happen to you."

I'm a Pisces.

See what I mean?

Well, so that one's a little vague.

Let's read yours.

Uh, let's see...

January 1st.

I know, I know.

Uh, here it is.

"If you open yourself up and take a chance,

"a nice, honest man

will turn up at your door."

In your neighborhood, he'd better have a gun.

Good morning. Elliott!

Elliott, you ready for tomorrow's action?

You betcha.

What's tomorrow?

We're playing paint ball.

Paint ball?

Oh, is that where you dress up like soldiers

and pretend to have little battles?

Pretend nothing.

It's exactly like real war,

except instead of dying,

you get a little schmutz on you.

We've been challenged by Obsession.

Obsession perfume?

Don't laugh.

They're the top team

in the entire perfume league.

Their surprise ambush of Old Spice

is legendary.

So here's your map to the battlefield.

Great.

Don't I get one?

Oh, of course,

it's only for the guys, because God forbid

a woman should be tough enough for combat.

Fine, come with us.

Great, count me in...

unless it rains,

or it's cold.

I don't want to play.

Is Finch going?

You bet.

He's perfect for guerrilla warfare.

Put a straw in his mouth, and he can hide in a puddle.

Oh, what happened?

Ah, fell down in the shower.

Let me guess.

That first blast of water?

Dennis, you wouldn't by any chance

be faking an injury

so that you don't have to play paint ball,

would you?

How can you even think that?

Hey, come on, Finch,

give Baxter his crutches back.

He can't get out of the stall.

Dennis, I'm very disappointed in you.

So I don't want to play paint ball, okay?

A bunch of guys running around,

trying to prove how tough they are.

It's just like dodge ball when I was 10.

Jimmy Burns would come up

and whale that ball at my head as hard as he could.

It freaked me out.

You poor guy.

That's all right.

Would you like me to braid your hair?

Me, I can't wait to kick a little butt,

to spit in the eye of the enemy,

to lay myself on the line

for the cause of freedom.

Freedom!

I rented Braveheart.

Ha-ha-ha, it won't work.

Dennis,

either you play paint ball with us,

or I won't take you to the Armani party

on Monday.

Hmm, I'm tired of parties.

It's on his yacht.

There'll be models.

See them all the time.

And the only way to get there?

Helicopter.

Like James Bond?

What time tomorrow, Jack?

The battle begins at 0800,

but there's a cappuccino and omelet reception

7:30-ish.

Maya, great news.

You and I are double-dating tomorrow night.

We are?

Well, my friend Vinny was supposed to come,

but she was flying back from Paris on the Concorde,

and her lips depressurized.

Poor thing walked off that plane looking like Daisy Duck.

Thanks, Nina, but I think I'll pass.

Oh, come on, please, Maya.

Roger, the man I've been dating,

has this friend in from out of town,

and I don't want to cancel.

Come on, take a chance.

Well, look, I appreciate your thinking of me,

but...

Wait.

"Take a chance.

A nice, honest man will turn up at your door."

Shakespeare?

My horoscope.

Oh, well, then, there you go.

Oh, look, Nina,

I have had bad luck with blind dates.

My last one took me to a Yankees game.

He drank nine cups of beer and ran the bases

before being tackled by the grounds crew.

Baseball is so confusing.

And anyway,

there's a special on the making

of The Wizard of Oz that I really want to see.

Fine.

But you go long enough without a man,

and you know what happens?

What?

I don't know.

Message for you, sir.

At ease, Persky.

Bad news, men.

The Obsession team canceled.

They've got group tickets to The Lion King.

Yeah, you hear that? We're going home.

Yay.

Our new opponent is Charlie perfume.

So the strategy is the same.

Stay downwind,

and you'll smell them a mile away.

All right, men, remember this.

This means "regroup,"

this means "perimeter"...

and this means, "I've lost interest.

Somebody go get the car."

Listen up, ladies.

The object is to capture the other team's flag.

Get shot, and you're done for the day.

Hey, where's Elliott?

I don't know. I'm getting worried.

There will be all-out war for three and a half hours,

followed by a light lunch

with your choice of merlot or chardonnay.

If you fail to select a wine,

you will be assigned the pinot grigio.

Are we clear?

I can't hear you.

Sir, yes, sir.

We're clear, we're clear.

I've received advance word

that today's salmon is prepared in a light dill sauce

and is simply out of this world.

All right, men, that's it. Let's move out.

Move it. Move out there.

Move.

Come on, Dennis, move.

Damn it, man, move.

Move!

You're dead.

Come on- You're dead.

Now, go get yourself an omelet, soldier.

And despite studio efforts to ban alcohol from the set,

the yellow brick road was often littered

with passed-out Munchkins.

Who is it?

Who's ready to party?

Nina?

We brought wine and Chinese, and we are ready to party.

Who's "we"?

Michael and Roger, our dates, and they are ready to party.

Would you quit saying that?

Look, you might as well let us in.

My arm is thin enough to unlock the chain.

Okay, all right, all right.

All right, all right, all right, all right.

Is...this your card?

No.

How about...this one?

No, sorry.

Well, then...

is this your card?

No.

Well, then, is this your couch?

Amazing.

Thank you very much, thank you.

Thank you. No, thank you.

Does anybody want more wine?

Well, I'm a quart low.

So?

Well, okay, I admit it,

he's a nice guy.

I could see myself spending more time with him.

Oh, I knew you'd think so.

I've got to get another CD.

Well, I can take a hint.

Roger.

Okay. See you around, buddy.

Uh, oh, okay.

Okay, so, what do you guys want to hear?

I've got-

What happened?

Well, they left.

Why?

Are we supposed to meet them somewhere?

Well, I don't know. They just took off.

Oh. Is this weird?

Should I leave?

Uh...no.

I- I guess it's fine.

So...

Nina is a crackup, huh?

Yeah, she's pretty funny.

She is really...

Her lips move when she plays charades.

I noticed that.

I keep...

Was it okay to do that?

I didn't hate it.

Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God!

Wow, it's like my prom night

all over again.

No, no.

Ow, I threw my back out.

Oh, my gosh.

Ow, ow. What should I do?

What should I do?

Do you want a heating pad

or some ice or...

No, no, no, no. This happened once before.

I was in the hospital for a week.

Maybe we should call 911. Oh, God!

No, no, no.

That-that's not the best plan.

Why not?

Well, because, actually, I'm feeling much better.

Oh, sweet Mary!

Michael, you are obviously in pain.

What's the problem?

Well, okay, well, here's the thing.

I'm married.

You're married?

Yeah, I know that sounds bad.

Okay, thanks for the great evening,

and I hope your ambulance goes over lots of potholes.

Maya, please, no, no, you can't do this.

Give me one good reason.

Because I'm a U.S. congressman,

and I can't get caught in your apartment.

I said a good reason, not a spectacular one.

You're a congressman?

I'm afraid so.

You told me you were a rep. Well, I am.

I represent the third district of New Hampshire.

Oh, please, no, please, please, please.

Please don't call.

Look, I'm not even supposed to be in New York.

My wife thinks I'm duck hunting in Louisiana.

I have built

my entire career

pushing family values.

If this gets out,

I could just possibly look like a hypocrite.

Gee, you think?

I know- I know what you must think of me,

but I have never done anything like this before.

How can I make you believe me?

Uh, you could lower my IQ 40 points.

I'm not a bad guy.

I'm really not.

I'm just under so much pressure these days.

Hell, I'm glad my back went out,

because...

it kept me from...

making the worst mistake...

of my life.

Ow.

Ow.

Oh, God, oh, God.

Oh, my wife can't find out.

It'd kill her.

She has a heart condition.

She's on the list for a transplant,

but she won't accept preferential treatment.

Really?

She has the biggest heart I know,

but it doesn't work.

Hey, boss.

We still on for that Armani party tonight?

Sure, we'll board the yacht, say our hellos,

then you can push me overboard.

Come on, you're not still mad about paint ball.

You shot me three seconds into the war.

Hey-ho.

Hey-ho? Where were you?

I was all set to come. Then Angie Everhart called.

She's doing a movie in Toronto and was feeling lonely.

And you just had to go.

Believe me, it was a tough choice.

Get shot in the face,

get spanked by a supermodel...

Elliott, I just now got your message

about Saturday.

Someone's in trouble.

I'm sorry I missed paint ball, Jack.

I'll bet.

You dog.

Wha-

Why am I the bad guy here?

I did my duty.

You ran off to Canada like a coward.

I was standing up for what I believe in.

Actually, I was lying down for what I believe in.

There you are.

I must've called you a hundred times.

I can't believe you walked out on me.

Walked out? You practically threw me out.

Michael is still in my apartment.

Maya, bravo.

No, he can't move.

My hat is off.

Nina, he's a congressman from New Hampshire.

He is?

Yeah, too bad about that guy, huh?

What do you mean?

You're talking about the congressman

who disappeared?

It's in the papers?

"Congressman Michael Tenzer of New Hampshire

"has disappeared after a duck hunting trip

in the treacherous Louisiana swamplands."

Oh, my God.

"The news has caused a stir

"on Capitol Hill,

"where Tenzer is known as the crying congressman

for his tearful speaking style."

What?!

"His tearful speaking-"

Hey, that's a little rude.

"Colleagues sent messages of hope

"to Blakely Tenzer,

the congressman's wife of 15 years..."

What?!

"And a nationally ranked marathon runner."

What?!

"Man buys newspaper with own money

and wants to read it."

What?!

Oh, good, did you bring me a sandwich?

No.

I'm so hungry.

Oh, quit it with the fake tears. I'm on to you.

Oh, well.

Nina, go.

What's happening?

Pain pills,

so you can get up and out.

Yeah, before we throw you into the East River,

and your sick wife has to jog up from Washington

to identify your body.

Okay, don't get cute with me.

All I have to do is tell the press

about how you lured me to your apartment

and then tried to seduce me.

No one is gonna believe that.

It's worked before.

Listen, buddy,

I have had it

with your crying and your lying.

Now, get up and get out!

Michael? Uh-oh.

Maybe I gave him too much.

What did it say on the label?

What label?

Please, I bought those from that guy on your stoop.

Hey, wake up!

Who is it?

Police. I'd like to ask you a few questions.

My God. How are we gonna move him?

The couch. We'll fold him into the couch.

Uh...ju- just a second.

I'm- I'm on the phone...

with my mother, and she's, uh...

She's in Disneyland.

She's really depressed,

because she lost her fanny pouch,

and she couldn't get onto Splash Mountain,

and a bear was really rude to her,

and...you know how mothers are.

They get so... so upset.

Just a sec. Here I come.

Play it cool.

All right.

Sorry to keep you waiting, officer.

Detective Cosovich.

I'm investigating the disappearance

of a congressman, this guy Michael Tenzer.

Yeah, I heard about that.

Can I come in? Sure, absolutely.

Apparently, someone used his credit card

to order a pizza to this building,

but they didn't leave an apartment number.

That's weird.

Yeah, the restaurant probably screwed it up.

Oh, yeah, that's probably it.

I thought that I heard

that this congressman got lost in Louisiana.

That's just what his office is saying.

Between you and me,

he's probably hanging out with some girl right now.

Apparently, he's got one in every town.

Oh, really.

Well...isn't that interesting?

So anyway, thank you for your time.

Oh, sure.

I hope you find the poor guy.

That was too close.

Don't worry. I got rid of your stuff.

What? I don't have any stuff.

Oh, well, then I owe you some baby powder.

Oh, Maya, this shade of lipstick is fabulous.

Oh, I'm so glad you like it.

This should give him something to really cry about.

Well, it should.

Didn't realize his ears weren't pierced.

Yeah.

Incoming!

Wasn't cool.

Hey, Jack, there you are.

The helicopter makes its last run to the party

in 15 minutes. We'd better book.

You just don't get it, do you?

If I'd been killed by Charlie, there's honor in that,

but to be shot by your own man...

Fine, hate me forever.

No, no.

No, Jack, don't.

Dennis.

Dennis,

you sweet, dumb kid.

That should have been me.

My shirt, is it- is it bad?

It's nothing. We can fix that up.

You'll be right as rain.

I guess I'm not going to the party with you, Jack.

Come on, don't talk crazy.

An hour from now,

you'll be eating caviar

and flirting with models.

You hear me?

I'm cold, Jack.

I'm cold as hell.

I'll need some help here!

Listen to me.

That chopper's leaving. You've got to get out of here.

I'm not leaving you behind.

Look at me. I ain't gonna make it.

Just go!

I won't forget this, Dennis,

and I'll bring you back some of those little quiches.

Ooh, yeah.

When questioned about being found

in women's lingerie,

Tenzer was emotional and seemingly delirious.

I swear,

I was abducted and drugged.

They folded me in a couch.

Mm.

Amazing, huh? What?

How that lipstick brought out

the color of his eyes.

Well, I'll tell you one thing.

Madam Dolores is out.

"Nice, honest guy"?

Who is it?

Detective Cosovich.

Play it cool.

Hi.

Hi.

As you may have heard,

we found the congressman.

Yeah.

Pretty wild, huh?

So it's probably obvious, then, why I'm here.

Oh.

You want to grab a cup of coffee with me?

Oh.

Well, listen, I just got burned by the last guy I went out with.

Hey...

I'm a nice, honest guy.

Let's go.

♪ Life keeps bringing me Back to you ♪

♪ Keeps bringing me home ♪

♪ It don't matter what I want To do, 'cause ♪

♪ It's got a mind of its own ♪

♪ Life keeps bringing me Back to you ♪♪

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