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1
00:00:04,004 --> 00:00:05,570
Ooh, Jake, look--
2
00:00:05,614 --> 00:00:07,355
that must be the girl Cooper
brought home last night.
3
00:00:07,398 --> 00:00:09,879
Ooh... And he must be
upstairs preparing
4
00:00:09,922 --> 00:00:11,663
his customary
one-night stand gift bag.
5
00:00:11,707 --> 00:00:13,056
[chuckles]
6
00:00:14,666 --> 00:00:16,929
Hi, you must be
Jake and Claire.
7
00:00:16,973 --> 00:00:18,496
I'’m Sara.CLAIRE: Hey.
8
00:00:18,540 --> 00:00:20,542
[chuckles]
9
00:00:20,585 --> 00:00:22,065
Is it weird to offer you pants?
10
00:00:24,807 --> 00:00:26,026
Yeah, yeah, I probably
just made it weird
11
00:00:26,069 --> 00:00:27,070
by asking you that.
[laughs]
12
00:00:28,419 --> 00:00:29,855
All that to say
there are pants
13
00:00:29,899 --> 00:00:31,988
if you want them.
14
00:00:32,032 --> 00:00:33,424
JAKE:
All right, babe.
15
00:00:33,468 --> 00:00:35,774
Chill out, chill out.
I-I got this.
16
00:00:35,818 --> 00:00:38,255
So, uh, how did you
and Cooper meet?
17
00:00:38,299 --> 00:00:39,822
Is this a Tinder miracle
or, uh...
18
00:00:41,606 --> 00:00:43,086
Or was it
the old-fashioned way,
19
00:00:43,130 --> 00:00:45,045
when a roadie comes up and puts
a sticker on your shirt?
20
00:00:45,088 --> 00:00:46,263
[chuckles]
21
00:00:46,307 --> 00:00:48,657
Well, I'’ve known Cooper
for years.
22
00:00:48,700 --> 00:00:52,095
In fact, I might know him
better than he knows himself.
23
00:00:52,139 --> 00:00:54,010
Oh.Do you want
an omelet?
24
00:00:54,054 --> 00:00:56,012
Ooh, girl, you trying to flirt
with me in front of my wife?
25
00:00:58,449 --> 00:00:59,537
[laughs]Stop.
26
00:00:59,581 --> 00:01:01,496
Where is Cooper, anyway?
27
00:01:01,539 --> 00:01:04,064
He just looked so cute sleeping,
I didn'’t want to wake him.
28
00:01:04,107 --> 00:01:07,023
Probably tuckered out
from all that s...
29
00:01:08,459 --> 00:01:10,287
...sex.
30
00:01:12,724 --> 00:01:13,986
I tried to bail on it,
but I couldn'’t
31
00:01:14,030 --> 00:01:15,684
-think of another word.
-Yeah.
32
00:01:15,727 --> 00:01:17,077
He really couldn'’t,
'’cause, I mean,
33
00:01:17,120 --> 00:01:19,644
his dirty talk
is just him going "Whee!"
34
00:01:22,343 --> 00:01:24,258
I'’ll-I'll go get Cooper.
35
00:01:24,301 --> 00:01:25,302
I'’ll go sit down.Yeah.
36
00:01:26,738 --> 00:01:28,827
G'’day.Hey. I was just
37
00:01:28,871 --> 00:01:31,569
coming to get you. Uh, Sara
is making us breakfast.
38
00:01:31,613 --> 00:01:34,094
Great. Who'’s Sara?
39
00:01:37,575 --> 00:01:39,142
Cooper, if you'’re gonna
have sex with a girl,
40
00:01:39,186 --> 00:01:40,361
you should at least
know her name.
41
00:01:42,972 --> 00:01:44,234
I'’ve never
seen that girl in my life.
42
00:01:46,541 --> 00:01:47,977
Cooper, if you'’re gonna
have sex with a girl,
43
00:01:48,020 --> 00:01:49,413
you should at least
look at her.
44
00:01:49,457 --> 00:01:51,894
No...
45
00:01:51,937 --> 00:01:54,810
Claire, I swear to you, I have
no idea who that person is.
46
00:01:54,853 --> 00:01:57,029
What? She says
she knows you
47
00:01:57,073 --> 00:01:58,161
better than you
know yourself.
48
00:01:58,205 --> 00:01:59,771
and she watched you
sleep, and...
49
00:02:05,081 --> 00:02:07,170
Oh... Oh, my God,
is she a stalker?
50
00:02:07,214 --> 00:02:08,867
Looks like it. I-I'’ll go call
my manager to help.
51
00:02:08,911 --> 00:02:11,000
He'’s always dealing with stuff
like this. In the meantime,
52
00:02:11,043 --> 00:02:14,177
don'’t eat anything she cooks,
and just stay calm.
53
00:02:14,221 --> 00:02:15,657
They'’re usually harmless.What...
54
00:02:17,833 --> 00:02:20,052
Usually?
55
00:02:20,096 --> 00:02:21,837
W-We should call the police.
56
00:02:21,880 --> 00:02:23,447
Don'’t be such a white lady,
Claire.
57
00:02:28,409 --> 00:02:29,671
JAKE:
Claire get in here, Sara'’s killing me!
58
00:02:31,673 --> 00:02:33,240
With this amazing omelet.
59
00:02:33,283 --> 00:02:34,763
[exclaims]
60
00:02:34,806 --> 00:02:37,244
Mmm, mmm.Hon... Jake.
61
00:02:37,287 --> 00:02:39,115
Jake, this girl
is a stalker.
62
00:02:39,159 --> 00:02:40,334
Hey,
63
00:02:40,377 --> 00:02:42,249
do you have a sharper knife?
64
00:02:42,292 --> 00:02:43,946
Uh...
65
00:02:43,989 --> 00:02:45,382
Hey. Hell yeah, we do.
66
00:02:45,426 --> 00:02:47,384
[laughs]
67
00:02:47,428 --> 00:02:50,561
This one in here is guaranteed
to cut through bone.
68
00:02:50,605 --> 00:02:51,910
[exclaims][laughs]
69
00:02:55,827 --> 00:02:57,916
Ow, you'’re
hurting me.
70
00:02:59,309 --> 00:03:01,268
Jake.
71
00:03:01,311 --> 00:03:03,052
Cooper does not know this woman.
72
00:03:03,095 --> 00:03:05,141
She is a stalker.What?
73
00:03:05,185 --> 00:03:07,056
No way.SARA: Yeah.
74
00:03:07,099 --> 00:03:09,101
"Stalker" implies
I'’m still looking for Cooper.
75
00:03:10,581 --> 00:03:12,017
Now that I'’ve found him,
76
00:03:12,061 --> 00:03:13,802
I'’m never gonna let him go.
77
00:03:15,412 --> 00:03:17,719
Aw... [laughs]
78
00:03:17,762 --> 00:03:20,069
Oh, my God!
79
00:03:24,421 --> 00:03:27,859
♪ Imagine me and you, I do
80
00:03:27,903 --> 00:03:30,645
♪ I think about you
day and night ♪
81
00:03:30,688 --> 00:03:32,255
♪ It'’s only right ♪
82
00:03:32,299 --> 00:03:34,866
♪ So happy together...
83
00:03:34,910 --> 00:03:36,825
[vocalizing]
84
00:03:48,663 --> 00:03:49,620
So, the good news is
85
00:03:49,664 --> 00:03:51,579
Sara has been...
86
00:03:51,622 --> 00:03:53,233
taken care of.
87
00:03:54,886 --> 00:03:57,193
My God, what did you do to her?
88
00:03:57,237 --> 00:03:58,934
We just called her parents,
who made her
89
00:03:58,977 --> 00:03:59,891
come home to North Dakota.
90
00:04:03,025 --> 00:04:04,200
I'’m sorry,
did I make it sound ominous?
91
00:04:05,810 --> 00:04:07,247
It sounded like
you had her killed.
92
00:04:10,119 --> 00:04:12,948
Why does everyone always suspect
me of killing women?
93
00:04:12,991 --> 00:04:13,992
[laughing]
94
00:04:16,734 --> 00:04:20,477
Anyway, now that someone
knows where Cooper lives,
95
00:04:20,521 --> 00:04:23,306
Nightmare and I have a full plan
in place to relocate him.
96
00:04:23,350 --> 00:04:25,526
What? But I love living with
Jake and Claire.
97
00:04:25,569 --> 00:04:27,919
Everyone else treats me
like a painting in a museum.
98
00:04:27,963 --> 00:04:29,486
You know, just stop and stare,
99
00:04:29,530 --> 00:04:30,748
and then if they
try and touch me,
100
00:04:30,792 --> 00:04:32,489
security moves them along.
101
00:04:34,404 --> 00:04:36,624
I don'’t see
why you have to move.
102
00:04:36,667 --> 00:04:38,495
I mean, you have me here
to protect you.
103
00:04:43,065 --> 00:04:46,024
What about installing
a security system?Oh.
104
00:04:46,068 --> 00:04:47,983
Don'’t you have that hookup with
that celebrity security guy?
105
00:04:48,026 --> 00:04:49,637
I do, and he is the best.
106
00:04:49,680 --> 00:04:51,247
My ex-wife used him
and I haven'’t been able
107
00:04:51,291 --> 00:04:52,727
to get in my house since.
108
00:04:52,770 --> 00:04:56,470
Well... well, can you
give me his number?
109
00:04:56,513 --> 00:04:58,167
'’Cause I just hate
the feeling of someone
110
00:04:58,210 --> 00:05:00,169
breaking into our home and
rummaging through our stuff.
111
00:05:02,824 --> 00:05:05,174
Hey guys, next time
you go shopping,
112
00:05:05,217 --> 00:05:07,045
would you get regular milk?
113
00:05:07,089 --> 00:05:09,178
Almond milk
kind of upsets Gerald.
114
00:05:09,221 --> 00:05:10,875
Not stomach-wise,
just the idea of it.
115
00:05:13,269 --> 00:05:15,750
Mom, you guys can'’t just
barge in here whenever you want
116
00:05:15,793 --> 00:05:17,229
and help yourself to our food.
117
00:05:17,273 --> 00:05:19,362
Honey, do you really expect us
to drive all the way
118
00:05:19,406 --> 00:05:21,582
to the grocery store
for just a couple of things?
119
00:05:21,625 --> 00:05:24,193
It'’s not worth our time
or the potential DUI.
120
00:05:28,153 --> 00:05:29,894
Why'’s everyone
look so serious?
121
00:05:29,938 --> 00:05:32,462
Oh, well, one of Cooper'’s
stalkers broke in.
122
00:05:32,506 --> 00:05:34,595
So we'’re actually talking about
installing a security system.
123
00:05:34,638 --> 00:05:37,554
And I'’m trying to tell them
they don'’t need it
124
00:05:37,598 --> 00:05:40,252
because they have me.
125
00:05:41,645 --> 00:05:42,733
[laughs]
126
00:05:46,084 --> 00:05:48,870
Do you really think you'’re
the one to handle this-- you--
127
00:05:48,913 --> 00:05:50,567
the person who was
beaten up by a duck?
128
00:05:52,439 --> 00:05:53,831
It was a goose
129
00:05:53,875 --> 00:05:56,268
and I forgot I had a
sandwich in my pocket.
130
00:05:56,312 --> 00:05:57,487
GERALD: Look...
131
00:05:57,531 --> 00:06:00,055
Jake, if you want
to keep your house safe,
132
00:06:00,098 --> 00:06:01,622
just do what my dad taught me:
133
00:06:01,665 --> 00:06:03,450
be six, five, 250.
134
00:06:06,104 --> 00:06:09,281
Thank you, Gerald, but
I have my own system, okay?
135
00:06:09,325 --> 00:06:11,980
Every night, I put a large
vacuum cleaner by the back door.
136
00:06:12,023 --> 00:06:14,330
That way, if some joker
tries to break in,
137
00:06:14,374 --> 00:06:16,027
he'’ll make a noise,
giving me time
138
00:06:16,071 --> 00:06:17,725
to put on clothes, so he
doesn'’t have to suffer
139
00:06:17,768 --> 00:06:20,684
the indignity of getting
his ass kicked by a naked man.
140
00:06:24,601 --> 00:06:26,734
[chuckles]:
Yeah,
141
00:06:26,777 --> 00:06:28,953
Jake, your system
is perfect...Thank you.
142
00:06:28,997 --> 00:06:32,087
if we were trying to stop
a small lady or Larry King.
143
00:06:34,742 --> 00:06:36,396
Now, what if our intruder
was big and tough,
144
00:06:36,439 --> 00:06:37,614
like, Nightmare'’s size?
145
00:06:37,658 --> 00:06:39,399
You couldn'’t take
somebody down like that.
146
00:06:39,442 --> 00:06:42,053
[scoffs, chuckles]
147
00:06:42,097 --> 00:06:43,141
Of course I could.
[chuckles]
148
00:06:43,185 --> 00:06:45,709
Okay, then
take down Nightmare
149
00:06:45,753 --> 00:06:48,103
and prove to your whole family
why you don'’t need an alarm.
150
00:06:50,497 --> 00:06:52,673
I mean, now... it'’s awkward.
You know what I mean?
151
00:06:52,716 --> 00:06:54,065
I don'’t want...
I don'’t want Nightmare
152
00:06:54,109 --> 00:06:55,502
to feel pressured or anything.
153
00:06:57,678 --> 00:06:59,506
Oh, you have my full consent.
154
00:07:19,264 --> 00:07:20,744
You know, it'’s not fair
that he'’s expecting me.
155
00:07:20,788 --> 00:07:22,267
That what it i...
You know what I mean?
156
00:07:22,311 --> 00:07:23,486
If-if this was the real deal,
157
00:07:23,530 --> 00:07:24,835
I'’d have the element
of surprise.
158
00:07:24,879 --> 00:07:26,184
Which I don'’t have, so...
159
00:07:26,228 --> 00:07:28,273
Well, if anyone
actually dangerous breaks in,
160
00:07:28,317 --> 00:07:29,449
can'’t we just call the police?
161
00:07:29,492 --> 00:07:31,363
Uh, sure, except
the average response time
162
00:07:31,407 --> 00:07:33,409
in this neighborhood
is 23 minutes.
163
00:07:33,453 --> 00:07:36,717
That'’s enough time
for 400 stabs.
164
00:07:36,760 --> 00:07:39,502
Good lord, how fast
do people stab?
165
00:07:39,546 --> 00:07:41,765
Well, picture
a sewing machine on meth.
166
00:07:48,032 --> 00:07:49,904
Okay. I'’m sorry, Jake,
167
00:07:49,947 --> 00:07:51,079
but as long as Cooper'’s
living here,
168
00:07:51,122 --> 00:07:52,341
we need to get an alarm.
169
00:07:52,384 --> 00:07:54,778
No, Claire, we do not
need an alarm.
170
00:07:54,822 --> 00:07:56,824
Geez.
171
00:07:56,867 --> 00:08:00,436
Now that that'’s settled,
would anybody like a coffee?
172
00:08:00,480 --> 00:08:02,656
A water?
Some tea? A...
173
00:08:02,699 --> 00:08:04,048
surprise attack
from the back?!
174
00:08:04,092 --> 00:08:05,310
[yells]
175
00:08:05,354 --> 00:08:07,617
[laughs]
176
00:08:07,661 --> 00:08:08,879
Your reach don'’t work up here.
Oh...
177
00:08:09,619 --> 00:08:11,926
[grunts]
178
00:08:11,969 --> 00:08:12,970
Uh...
179
00:08:13,014 --> 00:08:14,406
yeah, we should get that alarm.
180
00:08:14,450 --> 00:08:15,190
Yeah, we should.
181
00:08:17,584 --> 00:08:19,716
And if you'’re still offering,
I'’d love a coffee.
182
00:08:23,590 --> 00:08:25,287
[beeping]
183
00:08:27,419 --> 00:08:29,247
WOMAN'’S VOICE:
30 seconds.
184
00:08:29,291 --> 00:08:31,206
[groans]
Stupid alarm.
185
00:08:31,249 --> 00:08:33,382
All right, the code is
my birthday,
186
00:08:33,425 --> 00:08:34,862
Claire'’s birthday
and the number of women
187
00:08:34,905 --> 00:08:36,037
I'’ve slept with
who aren'’t Claire.
188
00:08:36,080 --> 00:08:38,474
23, 17, 00.
189
00:08:40,432 --> 00:08:41,695
20 seconds.
190
00:08:44,698 --> 00:08:47,135
Man...
191
00:08:49,616 --> 00:08:50,617
Incorrect code.
192
00:08:50,660 --> 00:08:51,574
[yells]
193
00:08:53,620 --> 00:08:55,752
Ten seconds.
194
00:08:55,796 --> 00:08:57,493
[rapid beeping]
195
00:09:02,411 --> 00:09:03,847
[beeping stops]
196
00:09:03,891 --> 00:09:05,675
You... piece of crap.
197
00:09:05,719 --> 00:09:06,763
It'’s fun, huh?
198
00:09:06,807 --> 00:09:08,199
Aah!
199
00:09:08,243 --> 00:09:09,984
No. I hate it, Claire.
200
00:09:10,027 --> 00:09:11,638
I feel like a prisoner here.
201
00:09:11,681 --> 00:09:13,509
Aw, you'’re just too focused
on all the negatives
202
00:09:13,553 --> 00:09:15,598
and you'’re ignoring
all the perks. Like...
203
00:09:15,642 --> 00:09:18,383
does my handsome little
number cruncher know
204
00:09:18,427 --> 00:09:20,385
that this system keeps data
205
00:09:20,429 --> 00:09:23,171
of everything that
happens in our home?
206
00:09:23,214 --> 00:09:25,869
Daddy does love data.[chuckles]
207
00:09:25,913 --> 00:09:28,002
And it tells you stuff like
208
00:09:28,045 --> 00:09:29,438
how many people
come in and out.
209
00:09:29,481 --> 00:09:31,353
Where we spend
most of our time.
210
00:09:31,396 --> 00:09:35,009
You could make a graph.[chuckles]
211
00:09:35,052 --> 00:09:36,576
I love graphs.
212
00:09:36,619 --> 00:09:38,055
[both chuckling]
213
00:09:38,099 --> 00:09:40,362
Backyard motion detected.
214
00:09:40,405 --> 00:09:42,277
Ooh, how did it know
what I was thinking?
215
00:09:42,320 --> 00:09:43,365
[chuckles]
216
00:09:43,408 --> 00:09:45,106
Oh, the backyard.
217
00:09:45,149 --> 00:09:46,324
Actual yard.Yeah, it'’s...
218
00:09:46,368 --> 00:09:48,370
Actual backyard.Oh, this is the best part.
219
00:09:48,413 --> 00:09:49,937
It'’s my parents.
220
00:09:49,980 --> 00:09:52,461
Probably coming over again
to steal more stuff.
221
00:09:52,504 --> 00:09:54,245
Those dirty mother...
222
00:09:54,289 --> 00:09:56,813
and father of my wife.
223
00:09:56,857 --> 00:09:59,163
BONNIE:
Claire, honey, are you in there?
224
00:09:59,207 --> 00:10:02,036
Claire? Honey, why'’s this door
locked? Let us in.[knocks]
225
00:10:02,079 --> 00:10:03,907
Hey, Mom, what are
you guys doing here?
226
00:10:03,951 --> 00:10:06,693
Don'’t say to steal stuff.
Just be cool.
227
00:10:06,736 --> 00:10:10,305
Uh, we were just
stopping by to steal stuff.
228
00:10:10,348 --> 00:10:13,047
Damn it, Gerald,
you put it in my head.
229
00:10:13,090 --> 00:10:13,917
You ready to feel alive?
230
00:10:13,961 --> 00:10:14,962
Absolutely.
231
00:10:15,005 --> 00:10:17,704
Hit this button.
232
00:10:17,747 --> 00:10:18,705
[alarm wails][gasps]
233
00:10:18,748 --> 00:10:19,923
WOMAN'’S VOICE:
Intruder alert.
234
00:10:19,967 --> 00:10:21,142
Notifying police.
235
00:10:21,185 --> 00:10:23,057
Wait, what the hell is going on?
236
00:10:23,100 --> 00:10:26,277
I'’m putting the law
back in son-in-law!
237
00:10:26,321 --> 00:10:28,584
[barking]Gerald, they got dogs!
238
00:10:28,628 --> 00:10:29,933
Run!
239
00:10:31,065 --> 00:10:33,284
[laughing]
240
00:10:33,328 --> 00:10:35,286
Hit '’em with
the sprinklers, babe.
241
00:10:35,330 --> 00:10:36,592
Oh, Jake, I think
they'’ve had enough.
242
00:10:36,636 --> 00:10:38,420
No. Hit them
with the sprinklers.
243
00:10:46,080 --> 00:10:47,734
[alarm wailing]
244
00:10:50,084 --> 00:10:51,433
[alarm stops]
245
00:10:51,476 --> 00:10:53,174
Hey, babe, I'’m home.
246
00:10:53,217 --> 00:10:54,218
JAKE:
Hello, Clarice.
247
00:10:57,874 --> 00:10:59,746
Ooh, you look like a sexy piano.
248
00:10:59,789 --> 00:11:01,356
[laughs]
249
00:11:01,399 --> 00:11:04,533
Why don'’t you come over here
and, uh, Bach that ass up?
250
00:11:07,492 --> 00:11:09,451
How are you seeing me right now?
251
00:11:09,494 --> 00:11:11,714
[giggles]
252
00:11:11,758 --> 00:11:13,455
Oh, my God, you look like
253
00:11:13,498 --> 00:11:15,892
the world'’s saddest casino boss.
254
00:11:17,372 --> 00:11:18,765
Baby, baby, baby, no, no,
255
00:11:18,808 --> 00:11:20,070
wait, wait, wait,
wait, right there,
256
00:11:20,114 --> 00:11:21,158
don'’t move.
Stand right there.
257
00:11:21,202 --> 00:11:22,943
Enhance.
258
00:11:22,986 --> 00:11:25,423
Enhance.
259
00:11:25,467 --> 00:11:26,990
Enhance.Wait, are you using a camera
260
00:11:27,034 --> 00:11:28,731
to zoom in on my butt?
261
00:11:28,775 --> 00:11:32,169
Mm, and...
262
00:11:32,213 --> 00:11:34,955
capture.
[chuckles]
263
00:11:34,998 --> 00:11:37,522
Oh, come on, Jake.
[scoffs]
264
00:11:37,566 --> 00:11:39,829
I can do way better than that.
265
00:11:39,873 --> 00:11:43,354
CLAIRE: [grunts] Yes!JAKE:
Yes, yes! Ooh, give it to me.
266
00:11:43,398 --> 00:11:46,401
Yes! Cheeks
are involved.
267
00:11:46,444 --> 00:11:47,228
Capture, capture.
268
00:11:49,709 --> 00:11:53,060
Oh, babe, you were right,
I-I have to admit, this is, uh,
269
00:11:53,103 --> 00:11:55,889
this is amazing stuff.
This system'’s great. Look,
270
00:11:55,932 --> 00:11:57,325
there'’s no trespassers
out back,
271
00:11:57,368 --> 00:11:58,761
no sign of your parents
272
00:11:58,805 --> 00:12:00,371
near our Costco supplies,
273
00:12:00,415 --> 00:12:02,199
and best of all,
274
00:12:02,243 --> 00:12:05,942
our little pop star
is in his room, safe and sound.Mm.
275
00:12:05,986 --> 00:12:07,814
Being closely monitored
by his accountant,
276
00:12:07,857 --> 00:12:09,903
that he lives with.[chuckles]
277
00:12:09,946 --> 00:12:12,166
Just as it should be.Mm-hmm.
278
00:12:12,209 --> 00:12:14,559
You know, I just feel so
powerful with this system.
279
00:12:14,603 --> 00:12:17,040
I'’ve been solving all kinds
of mysteries with this thing.
280
00:12:17,084 --> 00:12:18,650
Like, you know we were
wondering why the dishwasher
281
00:12:18,694 --> 00:12:20,522
wasn'’t cleaning
our silverware?
282
00:12:20,565 --> 00:12:22,611
Well, yeah, I already solved
that one, it'’s because it sucks,
283
00:12:22,654 --> 00:12:23,960
and we should
replace it.
284
00:12:24,004 --> 00:12:26,354
Oh, yes.
285
00:12:26,397 --> 00:12:28,748
We should replace it.
You'’re probably right, Claire.
286
00:12:28,791 --> 00:12:30,750
Case closed.
[chuckles]
287
00:12:30,793 --> 00:12:33,578
There is, however,
one more thing.
288
00:12:35,580 --> 00:12:38,583
Uh, Cooper, can you join us
in the kitchen, please?
289
00:12:38,627 --> 00:12:39,802
Can you just tell me what...I'’m sorry,
290
00:12:39,846 --> 00:12:41,499
I can'’t comment
on the investigation
291
00:12:41,543 --> 00:12:43,850
until Cooper walks in and says,
"Hiya, guys. What'’s happening?"
292
00:12:43,893 --> 00:12:45,808
Hiya, guys.
What'’s happening?
293
00:12:45,852 --> 00:12:48,202
Cooper,
294
00:12:48,245 --> 00:12:51,074
you enjoy making peanut butter
sandwiches, don'’t you?
295
00:12:51,118 --> 00:12:53,598
Yeah, yeah,
I love to cook.
296
00:12:53,642 --> 00:12:54,904
Mm, mm.
297
00:12:54,948 --> 00:12:57,646
And, when you'’re
done cooking,
298
00:12:57,689 --> 00:13:00,127
what do you normally do
with said knife?
299
00:13:00,170 --> 00:13:02,738
Well, I-I rinse it and put it
in the dishwasher.
300
00:13:02,782 --> 00:13:04,696
Ah, rinse it...
301
00:13:04,740 --> 00:13:07,482
and put it in the dishwasher.
302
00:13:07,525 --> 00:13:09,266
I guess the case
is closed, Claire.
303
00:13:09,310 --> 00:13:10,833
You were right.
304
00:13:10,877 --> 00:13:12,661
We just need a new
dishwasher. [chuckles]
305
00:13:12,704 --> 00:13:15,490
There is, however,
one more thing.
306
00:13:16,491 --> 00:13:19,450
I submit to you,
exhibit A.
307
00:13:19,494 --> 00:13:22,584
[Australian accent]:
Hello. I'’m famous,
308
00:13:22,627 --> 00:13:24,629
and I need to eat
my sandwich right now.
309
00:13:27,545 --> 00:13:29,112
No time to rinse,
310
00:13:29,156 --> 00:13:32,246
just gonna put this dirty knife
directly into the dishwasher.
311
00:13:35,815 --> 00:13:38,774
You know it'’s offensive
when you do the accent.
312
00:13:41,385 --> 00:13:42,647
JAKE:
Uh,
313
00:13:42,691 --> 00:13:44,301
no, it isn'’t.
314
00:13:44,345 --> 00:13:45,999
What if I was Asian?
315
00:13:46,042 --> 00:13:48,088
Oh.
316
00:13:49,916 --> 00:13:52,875
The point is
an innocent appliance
317
00:13:52,919 --> 00:13:54,224
has been framed.
318
00:13:54,268 --> 00:13:57,097
What do you have to say
for yourself, young man?
319
00:13:57,140 --> 00:13:58,881
I guess I'’ll start
rinsing my knives.
320
00:14:01,188 --> 00:14:02,842
Mm-hmm.Mm-hmm.
Now, if you don'’t mind,
321
00:14:02,885 --> 00:14:04,147
I'’m gonna call Bono back
and keep
322
00:14:04,191 --> 00:14:05,670
organizing this
Syrian fundraiser.
323
00:14:08,804 --> 00:14:11,024
Jake, what is going on here?
324
00:14:11,067 --> 00:14:13,374
Well, since you guys
don'’t think I can protect us
325
00:14:13,417 --> 00:14:15,376
from the monsters
who live outside the house,
326
00:14:15,419 --> 00:14:19,336
I'’ve decided to focus on
the monsters who live inside.
327
00:14:19,380 --> 00:14:22,774
Okay. well that is not at all
why we got an alarm,
328
00:14:22,818 --> 00:14:24,254
but I suppose
it is nice to know
329
00:14:24,298 --> 00:14:25,865
that we don'’t need
to buy a new dishwasher.
330
00:14:25,908 --> 00:14:27,823
Yes, yes, it is.
331
00:14:27,867 --> 00:14:31,392
And while our dishes
may not be clean,
332
00:14:31,435 --> 00:14:33,176
you certainly should be.
333
00:14:33,220 --> 00:14:35,265
Um, what'’s that
supposed to mean?
334
00:14:35,309 --> 00:14:37,789
Mm, exhibit W,
335
00:14:37,833 --> 00:14:40,227
for "water waster."
336
00:14:40,270 --> 00:14:43,012
CLAIRE:
What? That is just a video of the closed bathroom door.
337
00:14:43,056 --> 00:14:45,232
So you admit it?!
You admit it.
338
00:14:45,275 --> 00:14:47,887
You see, see, you got in the
shower at 4:42, but then look--
339
00:14:47,930 --> 00:14:49,627
enhance, enhance--
340
00:14:49,671 --> 00:14:51,455
those are your feet,
right here, look.
341
00:14:51,499 --> 00:14:55,198
At 4:45, 4:48, and 4:53.
342
00:14:55,242 --> 00:14:57,635
Still not in the shower.
Claire,
343
00:14:57,679 --> 00:15:01,683
what were you doing?
344
00:15:01,726 --> 00:15:04,077
You want to know
what I was doing?
345
00:15:04,120 --> 00:15:05,382
Oh, yes.
346
00:15:05,426 --> 00:15:07,080
Me and all the fish
currently dying
347
00:15:07,123 --> 00:15:08,255
in the Colorado River
348
00:15:08,298 --> 00:15:11,867
would love to know...
349
00:15:11,911 --> 00:15:13,260
what you were doing.
350
00:15:13,303 --> 00:15:15,175
[sighs]
351
00:15:15,218 --> 00:15:18,787
I was dry brushing
the dead skin cells off my body.
352
00:15:20,180 --> 00:15:21,398
[gags]
353
00:15:27,361 --> 00:15:28,536
What?
354
00:15:28,579 --> 00:15:30,233
Oh, come on,
Halle Berry does it.
355
00:15:30,277 --> 00:15:31,234
You don'’t think she's gross.
356
00:15:31,278 --> 00:15:33,410
I do now.
357
00:15:33,454 --> 00:15:36,544
Ugh. You know what,
I'’m going for a run.
358
00:15:36,587 --> 00:15:38,198
Oh, interesting.
359
00:15:38,241 --> 00:15:41,070
Another, uh, three-miler,
like yesterday?
360
00:15:41,114 --> 00:15:43,246
Yeah, I'’ll probably
just do my usual loop.
361
00:15:43,290 --> 00:15:44,639
[high-pitched]:
Huh.
362
00:15:46,510 --> 00:15:48,469
Your usual loop, she says.
363
00:15:48,512 --> 00:15:50,732
Usual loop.
364
00:15:52,647 --> 00:15:55,693
That'’s funny, because,
according to the porch camera,
365
00:15:55,737 --> 00:15:57,652
it'’s just you stretching
for a minute,
366
00:15:57,695 --> 00:16:00,437
and then 19 minutes
of you sitting on the porch
367
00:16:00,481 --> 00:16:02,004
scrolling through Instagram,
368
00:16:02,048 --> 00:16:03,832
while your dead cells
fall off your body.
369
00:16:05,573 --> 00:16:07,488
[gags]
370
00:16:10,143 --> 00:16:12,101
What the hell?
We did not get this alarm system
371
00:16:12,145 --> 00:16:14,451
so that you could
watch and judge our every move.
372
00:16:14,495 --> 00:16:16,018
We got it so we could
protect Cooper.
373
00:16:16,062 --> 00:16:17,628
I am protecting Cooper
374
00:16:17,672 --> 00:16:19,979
from living in a house of lies!
375
00:16:23,286 --> 00:16:24,461
Can you see me
on the monitor?
376
00:16:24,505 --> 00:16:25,810
You know I can.
377
00:16:25,854 --> 00:16:27,421
Good.
Then you can see this.
378
00:16:27,464 --> 00:16:29,336
[gasps]
379
00:16:37,213 --> 00:16:39,389
[crashing]
380
00:16:39,433 --> 00:16:40,869
Wha... Oh.Holy crap.
381
00:16:40,912 --> 00:16:42,131
Jake, what was that?
382
00:16:42,175 --> 00:16:43,872
Uh, probably just Cooper
and his lady friend
383
00:16:43,915 --> 00:16:45,265
breaking another headboard.
384
00:16:45,308 --> 00:16:47,615
[chuckles]
Am I right?
385
00:16:51,271 --> 00:16:53,577
Guys, did you hear that? I think
another stalker broke in.
386
00:16:53,621 --> 00:16:55,318
That'’s impossible.
387
00:16:55,362 --> 00:16:57,712
No one can get in here
without triggering the alarm.
388
00:16:57,755 --> 00:17:00,889
Wait, what the hell?
None of my cameras are working.
389
00:17:00,932 --> 00:17:04,110
[chuckles] Hey, fun idea,
on the count of three,
390
00:17:04,153 --> 00:17:05,676
let'’s all admit something bad
that we'’ve done
391
00:17:05,720 --> 00:17:07,113
and then immediately
forgive each other.
392
00:17:07,156 --> 00:17:08,723
Okay?
One, two, three.
393
00:17:08,766 --> 00:17:11,769
I turned off the alarm.Wait, what?
394
00:17:11,813 --> 00:17:13,728
I was gonna say I stole
a bass line from Marvin Gaye,
395
00:17:13,771 --> 00:17:14,816
but yours is way worse.
396
00:17:18,080 --> 00:17:20,256
Claire, why would you
turn off the alarm?
397
00:17:20,300 --> 00:17:22,606
Because I woke up super hungry
398
00:17:22,650 --> 00:17:23,912
and I couldn'’t
get back to sleep,
399
00:17:23,955 --> 00:17:25,261
so I snuck downstairs
400
00:17:25,305 --> 00:17:28,960
for some night-night cookies.
401
00:17:29,004 --> 00:17:32,442
Okay, first of all,
that'’s adorable. Okay?
402
00:17:32,486 --> 00:17:34,966
And second, you don'’t have to
turn off an alarm to do that.
403
00:17:35,010 --> 00:17:37,056
Yes I do, otherwise you'’d
spend our entire breakfast
404
00:17:37,099 --> 00:17:39,232
showing me replay
of how I left crumbs
405
00:17:39,275 --> 00:17:41,799
all over the kitchen counter.
406
00:17:41,843 --> 00:17:43,671
Why can'’t you just use
your iPad to watch porn,
407
00:17:43,714 --> 00:17:46,456
like a regular husband?
408
00:17:46,500 --> 00:17:48,589
Well, if you took the
parental locks off those sites,
409
00:17:48,632 --> 00:17:50,156
maybe I would.
410
00:17:50,199 --> 00:17:52,375
Guys, please focus.
Someone is downstairs.
411
00:17:52,419 --> 00:17:55,335
I thought you said that your
stalkers are usually harmless.
412
00:17:55,378 --> 00:17:57,206
Well, day stalkers
come for underwear,
413
00:17:57,250 --> 00:17:59,208
but night stalkers
come for blood.
414
00:18:01,123 --> 00:18:03,125
And underwear.
They all like underwear.
415
00:18:03,169 --> 00:18:05,345
I'’m calling the police.[sighs]
416
00:18:05,388 --> 00:18:08,783
But Wayne said that the average
response time is 23 minutes.
417
00:18:08,826 --> 00:18:11,568
That means this psycho
could stab us, sit down,
418
00:18:11,612 --> 00:18:14,223
watch an episode of
Seinfeld,and then leave.
419
00:18:15,790 --> 00:18:17,574
Jake, where are you going?
420
00:18:17,618 --> 00:18:19,533
To protect my family.
421
00:18:24,190 --> 00:18:25,408
[clattering]
422
00:18:28,194 --> 00:18:30,631
Be right back, fight club!
423
00:18:30,674 --> 00:18:34,374
Gonna get my black belt
of karate out of the dryer.
424
00:18:34,417 --> 00:18:36,202
I know I'’m supposed
to air dry it,
425
00:18:36,245 --> 00:18:37,855
but I don'’t follow the rules,
'’cause I'm crazy!
426
00:18:37,899 --> 00:18:38,769
'’Cause I'm crazy.
427
00:18:40,467 --> 00:18:41,990
Ooh...
428
00:18:42,033 --> 00:18:43,774
[whispering]:
There'’s really someone here.
429
00:18:43,818 --> 00:18:46,342
[whimpering]
430
00:18:46,386 --> 00:18:47,691
Element of surprise!
431
00:18:47,735 --> 00:18:50,085
Aah!
432
00:18:50,129 --> 00:18:51,826
I'’m your new backpack now,
433
00:18:51,869 --> 00:18:53,262
and I'’m full of no good.
434
00:18:53,306 --> 00:18:55,264
[grunts]
435
00:18:55,308 --> 00:18:56,570
Jake, are you okay?
436
00:18:56,613 --> 00:18:58,702
COOPER:
Wh... Nightmare?
437
00:18:58,746 --> 00:19:00,313
What the hell
are you doing here?
438
00:19:00,356 --> 00:19:03,229
Wayne had asked me
to guard your house.
439
00:19:03,272 --> 00:19:05,144
And what? Y-You got
hungry, or...
440
00:19:05,187 --> 00:19:08,669
No, I saw another
freaky lady in your kitchen.
441
00:19:08,712 --> 00:19:10,410
She was hunched over your sink,
442
00:19:10,453 --> 00:19:12,542
just devouring food,
443
00:19:12,586 --> 00:19:14,805
like that bear
from The Revenant.
444
00:19:14,849 --> 00:19:16,894
I don'’t mean
to scare you,
445
00:19:16,938 --> 00:19:18,374
but I think
she may still be in here.
446
00:19:18,418 --> 00:19:20,115
Oh, she'’s in here,
all right.
447
00:19:23,162 --> 00:19:25,947
I'’m sorry I turned off
the alarm, okay?
448
00:19:25,990 --> 00:19:27,427
But there are certain things
that I just
449
00:19:27,470 --> 00:19:29,907
don'’t want you to know about,
like when I eat cookies,
450
00:19:29,951 --> 00:19:31,735
or how much time
I spend in the bathroom.
451
00:19:31,779 --> 00:19:33,520
Well, this week you averaged...Do not finish that sentence.
452
00:19:33,563 --> 00:19:34,651
Yup.
453
00:19:34,695 --> 00:19:35,783
Look, we'’ve been together
454
00:19:35,826 --> 00:19:37,088
for over a decade,
455
00:19:37,132 --> 00:19:39,134
but I still need some
mystery in our lives.
456
00:19:39,178 --> 00:19:40,962
I mean, I hate the feeling
of being watched
457
00:19:41,005 --> 00:19:42,877
every moment of my life.Tell me about it.
458
00:19:42,920 --> 00:19:44,966
One of the reasons
I'’ve loved living with you guys
459
00:19:45,009 --> 00:19:47,055
is that I get a break
from the outside world.
460
00:19:47,098 --> 00:19:49,492
Out there, everyone treats me
like a panda at the zoo,
461
00:19:49,536 --> 00:19:52,930
always taking photos and way too
curious about when I have sex.
462
00:19:52,974 --> 00:19:55,194
Okay, all right,
463
00:19:55,237 --> 00:19:57,718
maybe I got a little
carried away with the cameras,
464
00:19:57,761 --> 00:19:59,328
and the sensors, and the...
465
00:19:59,372 --> 00:20:00,938
that true crime
cooking show I made up,
466
00:20:00,982 --> 00:20:02,462
Making a Burgerer,
467
00:20:02,505 --> 00:20:04,246
but we need this system
to protect you.
468
00:20:04,290 --> 00:20:05,987
Do we?
469
00:20:06,030 --> 00:20:07,075
I mean, look at
what you just did--
470
00:20:07,118 --> 00:20:09,251
you protected us
from a man whose...
471
00:20:09,295 --> 00:20:12,123
legal name is
Nightmare Big Man.
472
00:20:12,167 --> 00:20:14,996
Actually, it'’s pronounced
"Nit-mari Bigmin."
473
00:20:17,128 --> 00:20:19,566
Really? Oh, my God,
I'’m so sorry.
474
00:20:19,609 --> 00:20:21,350
Well, to be fair,
475
00:20:21,394 --> 00:20:23,787
all I did was tackle him
and whisper a badass line
476
00:20:23,831 --> 00:20:25,049
about being a backpack.
477
00:20:25,093 --> 00:20:27,008
Yeah, if I
hadn'’t busted my ankle
478
00:20:27,051 --> 00:20:28,749
on that stupid vacuum
by the door,
479
00:20:28,792 --> 00:20:31,447
I would have pushed your
brains out your ears.
480
00:20:31,491 --> 00:20:33,536
Good heavens, Nit-mari.
481
00:20:33,580 --> 00:20:35,364
CLAIRE:
Did you hear that?
482
00:20:35,408 --> 00:20:37,279
Your vacuum system worked.
483
00:20:37,323 --> 00:20:39,150
Maybe we canget
rid of the alarm.
484
00:20:39,194 --> 00:20:40,935
Now, honestly,
I would love that.
485
00:20:40,978 --> 00:20:43,459
Yeah. Maybe you'’re right.
486
00:20:43,503 --> 00:20:44,721
You know, uh...
487
00:20:44,765 --> 00:20:47,202
turns out all the security
we need is, uh,
488
00:20:47,246 --> 00:20:50,249
just me, a vacuum
and, uh... [chuckles]
489
00:20:50,292 --> 00:20:52,512
the element
of surprise! Ha-ha!
490
00:20:52,555 --> 00:20:53,817
Aah! Ho-ho!
491
00:20:57,081 --> 00:20:58,996
Ooh. Night-night cookies.
492
00:21:04,611 --> 00:21:07,657
Captioning sponsored by
CBS
493
00:21:07,701 --> 00:21:10,356
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org
494
00:21:10,406 --> 00:21:14,956
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