Original subtitles

Hey, Cooper, what's with the getup?

Hmm? Oh, got a, uh... a lot of crazy fans out there, Claire.

I need to keep a low profile.

You look like Helen Mirren

playing in the World Series of Poker.

[chuckles]

And why are you in disguise?

Huh?

Are you worried about being mobbed by accountant groupies?

Uh, they're called number sluts.

And really, I'm just trying to protect myself

from the paparazzi.

Because people are starting to recognize me as Cooper's friend.

Any time we're out, they're like, "Cooper, Jake,

Cooper, Jake."

Are you sure they're not saying "Cooper James"?

I suppose that's a possibility.

So good to be out in public amongst regular people.

Or as I call them, reg-pers.

Sorry, what?

Reg-pers.Ooh, boy, with your accent,

you got to be careful saying that word.

Don't worry, man.

If any of these reg-pers harass you, there will be two sounds:

them asking you for an autograph,

and me saying, "Now's not the time."

Oh, you mean the same two sounds that you heard

when you met LeBron James at that urinal?

Going for the handshake was a mistake.

Hiya. Um, could I get a croissant and a flat white?

[Australian accent]: Croissant and a flat white.

Coming right up, mate.

Oh, my God. A fellow Aussie.

Uh, what part of Australia are you from?

[American accent]: Orange County.

[laughs softly]

Oh. Sorry.

I just thought your accent was cute.

[both laugh]

So what brings you to the States?

Uh, uh, music.

Oh, cool. And what do you do for money?

Uh, yeah-- also music?

Was that in slow-motion?

[laughs]

Guys, this-this cute barista has no idea who I am.

This is amazing.

Well, not for us. We're gonna have to pay for our coffee now.

Go talk to her, dude.

Yeah. Yeah.Yeah.

Um... um...

Uh, uh, what brought you to the States?

Um, birth.

Cool. Yeah, cool. Um, I was born, too.

Uh...

C-section.

Cool.

Uh...

Guys, how come when I talk,

charming, funny things aren't coming out?

Uh, maybe try talking about other surgeries your mom's had.

[laughs]

Do not do that. No.No, don't do that.

♪ Imagine me and you, I do

♪ I think about you day and night ♪

♪ It's only right

♪ So happy together

[vocalizing]

That barista was so cute, and she was into you.

Why didn't you ask her out?

Uh...Uh, 'cause we're happily married.

And, yep, you meant him.

I don't know.

I don't know, she didn't know who I was,

and I think it... I think it threw me.

Ah, I got to say, it was kind of refreshing

to watch you be so awkward, 'cause you're usually

the most confident guy in the room.

JAKE [chuckles]: Don't you mean

second most confi...

Usually, when I meet people, they already know who I am.

And then they ask me what my latest project is,

and then they show a clip from that latest project.

Do you only have conversations

when you're appearing on talk shows?

That actually reminds me of a funny story. I, uh...

Oh, this explains why, the first month you lived here,

you kept thanking us for "having you on."

I've been famous since I was a kid,

so I guess I've never had the chance to ask out

a reg-per who thinks I'm a reg-per, too.

Hmm.

Really think you're gonna have to start

hitting that "G" harder.

Well, I... I don't want to mess this up.

You know? What if this girl ends up being the Claire to my Jake?

Ha, ha, Cooper. You got a lot of work to do

if you want to be anybody's Jake, you know what I'm...

Oh, my...

Why do we have all these magazines?

Stop.

See, you guys have the perfect reg-perromance.

How do... how do people do that?

You know, I don't even know how you guys got together.

In college.

[scoffs] "In college"?

"In college"?

Are you seriously

summing up the greatest love story of all time in two words?

How do you explain Romeo and Juliet?

"Dead teenagers"?

Cooper, let me tell you what actually happened.

It was a crisp fall day in New Hampshire,

and a young doe-eyed freshman named Claire was struggling

to move her furniture into her dorm.

[grunting]

Hey, girl.

Hey.

Can't spell "futon" without F-U-N.

But moving them sure isn't.

[both laugh]

I'm Jake Davis. Allow me.

[grunts]

Peace.

CLAIRE [laughing]: Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Jake, come on.

That's not exactly what happened.

Okay, he had just finished a ride,

but it wasn't on a motorcycle.

[humming]

Hey, girl.

Hey.

Can't spell "Davis" without "fun."

I'm Jake Futon.

What?

What? I don't... Allow me.

Well, remember how you want.

I clearly had game, because Claire started coming

to all of my basketball practices.

Yeah, 'cause the gym was the hottest place on campus.

Yeah, it was.

I mean, literally,

'cause I had just moved from California to New Hampshire,

where summer basically lasts from July 4 to July 8.

But that week, though. [laughs]

Ladies be showing some skin.

From roughly the ankle to mid-calf.Yeah.

Anyways, I...

I made the triumphant decision to ask Claire out.

CLAIRE: Yeah, you did.

A month later.

Damn it, Claire.

Well, I'm sorry, babe, but you're doing that thing

where you edit the story to try and make it sound better.

Come on, guys. I want all the details.

How come it took you so long to get together?

Well, you know, Claire wasn't exactly

the most approachable in college.

'Cause I wasn't exactly having a good time.

What? How can you not have fun at college?

You go there, thousands of girls scream your name,

you get an honorary degree.

It's probably different for other people, isn't it?

Anyway, it was parents weekend.

Oh, honey, don't cry.

Everyone gains weight their freshman year.

Mom, I didn't gain weight.

Oh. Is it your bad haircut?

What's wrong with my hair?

Don't worry, Claire.

We can fix the weight, the hair, the wardrobe.

What? No, I'm upset because I'm homesick.

Ugh, it's just, it's...

it's freezing here,

everyone puts maple syrup on everything,

and the radiator melted my Uggs.

For starters, if it's cold,

you can just put on one of these extra coats.

Dad, that's my roommate.

I'm Hannah, from Florida.

Look, you just need to go out there and make some friends,

you know, who-who don't drink or do drugs,

because we will be testing your urine.

Ooh, Claire.

What about introducing yourself to that guy?

Oh...Come on, he's cute.

Ooh, and he's on the basketball team.

Yeah, oh, hi.

Hi. Come meet Claire.

Come meet Claire. I'm her mother,

so you know she's only gonna get hotter with age.

[both laugh]

You are cute.

[whoops]

[laughing]: Sorry.

COOPER: Whoa.

Uh, who is that guy?

Tommy Barlow.

The hotshot freshman who stole my playing time.

Thought he was better than me because he scored more points,

had more assists and more rebounds than I did.

He was also my first college boyfriend.

You know, even though Jake

is the absolute love of my life,

any time I mention Tommy Barlow, he still gets mad.

No, I don't.

I don't get mad.

You do seem a little bit upset.

[laughs]: I am not upset, all right?

Gonna take a little more than that to make me upset.

You know what I'm saying?

He just had a sample. I got the whole thing.

You know what I'm saying?

Ain't nothing gonna make me upset. You know?

[laughs]

I hate you, Tommy Barlow!

Wow. I guess I just assumed

you guys started dating as soon as you met.

You know, like, love at first sight.

Oh, that only happens in the movies.

Eh, it happens in real life, too.

Your parents fell in love with Tommy Barlow right away.

[laughs]

So how'd you get Claire?Mm, just played it cool, man.

Played it so cool, I needed a Zamboni to get out of bed.

[laughs]

[coughing]

[coughs]: Oh!

Oh, no, sorry, I was just choking.

[chuckles]

On that lie.

Ah, here's what I remember.

Hey, gir...

Hey, Jake. What's up?

Tommy Barlow.

Guess Claire set the bar low.

These are for your mom.

Peace.

Huh. I guess back then, Rollerblades were much cooler

in America than they were in Australia.

They were not.Nope.

Hey, guys.CLAIRE: Hey, what are you guys doing here?

We need to borrow a few things.

We... we want to make brownies, but we don't have

any cocoa, flour, butter, sugar or eggs.

So you just have the marijuana, then.

That's right, yeah.Yep.

CLAIRE: Yeah.

Man, what happened to the parents

who used to drug-test me in college?

Claire, they're prescription brownies for my glaucoma.

These two were telling me how they met at Dartmouth.

[gasps] Oh, Claire hated it there.

She had the worst haircut.

GERALD: You know, she hated it so much,

she was even planning to transfer.

Really? What changed your mind?

Ya boy did.

You see, Cooper, the fates aligned

one beautiful New Hampshire evening.

CLAIRE [hisses]: Oh, God.

How is this early September?

[wind gusting][shouts]

Ugh, I hate you, New Hampshire! [groans]

[deep, bellowing voice]: But you haven't even gotten to know me yet.

That was my New Hampshire voice.

Want to hear my Texas voice?

[Southern accent]: Hey, y'all, my toast is thick.

Well, what are we looking for?

Ugh, my transfer application.

Why the heck do you want to transfer?

Oh, I'll show you why.

[snapping] Oh.

It's so cold here, my hair is literally cracking in half.

[groans] I miss my friends, and it's always snowing.

Now I know why they make you take the tour in the spring.

But there's so many fun things to do in the snow.

Right? You got skiing, snowball fights,

writing your name in pee.

Adding a "was here" if you really have to go.

Oh, are you the Jake that was just over there?

Mind your wizness.

Plus, we are in the perfect spot

to watch unsuspecting freshmen slip on that patch of black ice.

JAKE: Oh, oh...

Oh. Mm-hmm. Oh, hey.

Hey. Oh, oh! Oh! Hey, yep!CLAIRE: Oh, oh!

[Jake laughs]

[groaning]: Oh, are you okay?

[both laugh]

Ooh, we saw all of that.

Uh-oh. Pack of friends.

All for one, and one for fall.

[shouting]

[laughs]

Yeah...

You know what this viewing party needs?

A fun beverage. Hold, please.

Oh, I-I actually have a pact with my parents

that the three of us will never drink or do drugs.

It's just Gatorade.

Oh. [chuckles] Yeah.

And...

get some ice, right?

And then pour some of this on that bad boy.

Voilà. Instant snow cone.

[laughs]

Mm.

So, is this what you do?

You put a magical spin on everything?

Well, the way I look at it, life's either gonna be

a great time or a great story.

Sometimes it ends up being both.

Hmm.

[laughs softly]

Luke, uh, what's about to happen to this architecture student

who can't see over his model.

CLAIRE: Oh!Oh!

Oh, he just King Kong'd his own building.

[both laugh]

Hours of work, gone.

Uh, you mind if I make myself a refill?

Oh, sure. Got some more Gatorade for you.

Hey.

[laughing]: Oh, no, you didn't.

I hope you're ready to eat another snow cone.

Nope!

[gasps]

Sorry, dude.

[shouts]

[squeals]

JAKE: Claire's first snowball fight led to our first date.

It, uh, snowballed from there.

And the rest is kisstory.

COOPER: Aw.

That's the most romantic story I've ever heard.

Except for the part where she broke his nose.

What?

All right, all right. Come on, come on.

Shouldn't you guys be in front of a 7-Eleven

buying liquor for teenagers?

Tommy Barlow would never kick us out of the house.

[door closes]

Okay, fine. I'll admit.

The kiss didn't quite happen that day.

I don't want to offend you, but, uh,

you throw snowballs like a Californian. Oh, no.

[laughs]

Oh! Yeah? One who played varsity softball for four years,

so get ready.

[laughs]: Yeah, right.

Are you okay?

Yeah, yeah. I think it just hit my nose a little bit. I...

[screams]

Oh, my...

Oh, my God, that's a lot of blood.

Yeah, um, I'm not good with s-seeing... bl...

What?

Hey, Claire?

While you're down there, can you look for my tooth?

Were you okay?

I was, uh, until Jake tried

to carry me to the doctor

but slipped on the ice and gave me a concussion.

So when did the kiss happen?

Uh, about a week later.

Yeah, we, uh, ran into each other at the health center.

I was getting a checkup on my nose, and she was getting, uh...

getting one for her little brain sprain.

Yeah, and, uh, we ended up walking to the pharmacy together

to pick up our meds, and then to a restaurant,

'cause we couldn't take our meds on an empty stomach.

Right. COOPER: Okay.

Okay, so you dated someone else,

and you played it cool for a month.

Then you severely injured each other,

and went on a pity date that was just errands?

The rest is kisstory.

Um, I'm gonna ask that barista out another time.

I thought your love story would inspire me, but instead,

it's just made me painfully aware of the randomness of life.

I guess you're right.

[sighs]

From now on, Claire, I'll just say we, uh, met in college.

Well, Jake, wait. [chuckles] Uh...

We still haven't told Cooper how the kiss happened.

Huh, right?Oh, yeah. Uh...

Her mouth was closed. I went in with tongue.

I basically just licked her lips.

Okay, okay, I guess I'm the one that's gonna have to tell you,

'cause Jake is obviously embarrassed

by how romantic it was.

I am?

It was a bright and sunny day in New Hampshire.

Jake and I were just walking back

from our post-health-center meal.

Thanks for getting me the California Burger.

And for doing its voice.

[mimicking surfer]: Ha, ha. How'd I get in this bun, brah?

[laughs]

Ugh, this whole thing kind of makes me wish

I hadn't submitted a new transfer application.

I'm supposed to leave tomorrow.

Seriously? That sucks.

I know. I mean, maybe it's blunt-force trauma to the head,

or the cute guy that won't shut up about New Hampshire,

but, uh, I think I'm starting to like this place.

Whoa, whoa!Oh!

Ooh...Oh...

Hey, girl.

TOMMY: Hey!

What do you think you're doing?

Get out of here, Tommy Barlow.

Make me.

He said, "Make me."

You can take my playing time, Tommy Barlow...

...but you can't take my girl.

[crying]

I'm supposed to go to Stanford.Shh.

You're not going to Stanford. 'Cause if you do,

you're gonna miss the greatest love story of all time.

♪

[cheering, applause]

Clap, Tommy Barlow.

[sobbing]

Holy crap. That's so sweet.

I need to go and ask out that cute barista

before she transfers to a different

Carol's Coffee & Stuff.

Wow, Claire.

I thought you didn't like embellishing stories.

That ending had some serious Shake 'n Bake on it.

[laughs]

Well, you inspired me.

I forgot that you have this magical way of telling stories

that makes whoever you're talking to

really feel something.

And sometimes, people need that.

I know I did, when I first met you.

It's one of the reasons I fell in love with you.

Mm.

Also, my butt's pretty sweet, right?

Oh, yeah. Mm.

I'm your little Kardashian.

[whoops]

[both laugh]

Okay, so I-I promise

never to sum up our story with a paltry "in college" again.

Okay?

Oh, um, and the next time you tell the ending of our story,

can I, uh, rip out Tommy's still-beating heart?

[imitates heartbeat][laughs]

[makes crunching sound]

[both panting]

Oh, my gosh, it is so cold.

How is this May?

Ooh, ooh!Oh, God.

Oh. Stay up.

Stay, stay, stay...

Hey, are you guys okay?

Hey, Tommy Barlow.

Ooh!

I got it. I got it.

You got it?

You good. All right.

[exhales] Hey. Hi.

You guys want a beer?

Oh, yeah, we don't drink.

Yeah. But maybe one little sip wouldn't hurt.

Oh. Oh.

I feel like the next chapter of our lives has just begun.

[indistinct chatter]

Is there a party around here?Yeah, just around the corner.

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