Original subtitles

Come on, dad. You're always saying I should play less video games

and get more exercise.

I'm not buying you a trampoline, Tommy.

The only people that use trampolines are clowns and cheerleaders

and those guys in gorilla suits that do those summersault dunks.

Well, how am I ever gonna be one of those guys

if you won't buy me a trampoline and a gorilla suit?!

You know what? I'm so tired of having

this gorilla suit trampoline argument with you.

Fine. Your wish is granted.

Really?

Yes. You go on Craigslist, you find a trampoline for under 50 bucks,

we'll go pick it up this afternoon, ok?

Dad, you're the best!

Right!

I can't believe that. One jump, you went right through.

It was like a cartoon.

You got in on video, though, right?

Uh, I'm not sure. My hand was shaking like crazy, I was laughing so hard.

Transcripted by chamallow35 and YesCool www.addic7ed.com

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Ok. Open the grill, Curtis.

And I'm gonna cook the final quadrant.

I'm just saying, man, this is not how they did it on the commercial.

On the commercial, the guy who's selling it got punched in the face 50,000 times.

He says he's an entrepreneur and a chef.

Don't believe everything you see on tv...

I can't take this anymore. I want my old grill back!

Allison got my 8-burner weber with a rotisserie and a side smoker in the divorce.

We better figure something out, Gary.

Because all of our bros are bringing exotic sausages over

for sausage-fest this weekend!

Have we ever thought about changing the name of sausage-fest?

Why would we change the name of sausage-fest?

It's a 10-year tradition of men getting together with their meat.

Hey, Curtis. Nice job, Gary, buying Tom a trampoline off of Craigslist.

Hey, do they sell loaded guns on there

'cause Louise would have a ball with one of those.

Now, calm down, Allison. It was an accident.

And it was hilarious.

Anyway, I gotta few things I want to talk to you about.

So, excuse me.

Bye. I gotta get going anyway.

I gotta pick up the t-shirts for sausage-fest.

You're gonna love 'em, man. They got a dude who's shoving

a 10-inch kielbasa down his throat.

And it says "sausage-fest '09" written underneath.

I really can't talk you into changing the name?

Are you hearing something I'm not hearing?

Hey, what's up?

Ok. First of all, Louise has been a little down in the dumps lately.

Apparently a boy she has a crush on doesn't like her back.

What? Who wouldn't like Louise? She's a total package.

She's smart. She's beautiful.

She'll tell you if you're ending a sentence in a preposition.

Although I don't even know why you would need to know that for.

Anyways, please, Gary, just be extra sweet to her this week.

Me? Yeah. I'm always sweet.

Come on, get out.

No, Gary. Hang on. I have a favor to ask you.

You know that little lingerie boutique

on Abbot Kinney that you paint every year?

I need you to introduce me to the owner Sophia.

Why?

'Cause I feel like she'll cool. And, like, we could be friends.

You have friends.

Yeah, Gary. I have married friends. And I have mom friends.

And you know that book club I joined? It turned out to be a bust.

I came in all prepared to discuss "Sense and sensibility"...

all the women wanted to do was drink and tell their great sex stories.

And thanks to you, I didn't have any.

1995. Valentine's day.

Come on. Gary, your foot slipped off the mattress

and you found a spot you never were able to find again. Please.

I found it that one time, didn't I?!

Yeah. Yeah.

Come on, get out of my house!

Look, Sophia just seems like someone easygoing and laid back.

Kind of like me. And that's why,

I have a very specific plan on how to get her.

Phase 1 being you introduce us.

Ok. Hate to break this to you, Allison.

You don't make friends with plans and phases.

2 people meet. And if they hit it off, eventually they become friends.

Yeah. That's not how I want to do it.

See, I figure with you brokering the introduction,

it'll take the pressure off and give us something immediately we have in common.

Phase 2 or "making fun of you."

Uh, it's probably the dumbest idea I've ever heard in my life.

But since I don't care at all, I'll help you.

Thank you. Thank you.

For a price.

What?

Uh, I'll help you make friends with Sophia, you give me my grill back.

Wait. Ok, wait.

You can't do me a favor unless you get something in return.

No.

All right. All right. Fine.

It's a shame though because I found this recipe

for polenta-stuffed bell peppers.

Hey, I don't want to know what you did with my grill

anymore than you want to know what I did with your melon baller!

Gotta tell ya. Being in here with you and all the sexy lingerie,

it's very odd to be so repulsed and turned on at the same time.

Hey, Gary.

Hey, Sophia. How are ya?

Great.

We were just in the neighborhood.

So, we decided to pop in and see what's happening in the world of thongs.

I was going to call you. It's almost repainting time.

Perfect coincidence. This is the new boss of my painting company.

It's my ex-wife Allison. Allison, my friend Sophia.

Hi. Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you too. I love your shop. I get all my sexy whatnots here.

I just love your store.

I mean, you have such a good eye.

It's tasteful and bohemian at the same time.

Thank you so much.

I've never actually told anyone this.

But I've always wanted to open up my own shop one day.

I mean, I don't know what it would be.

Baby clothes or candles or maybe picture frames.

What would you call that store?

"Stuff you could buy at other stores" store?

Actually, the space next door is available

if you want to pop over and check it out.

Oh. Yeah.

Great.

Gary, do you mind watching the place for a minute?

If anyone has a question, you could just yell for me.

You want me to watch your lingerie shop? Yuck.

Hey, Sophia, can you tell me if this is...

Uh, hi. Everything's ok. Sophia left.

And she told me to watch the store while she's gone.

Great. What do you think of this?

Uh, this moment. Right now in my life?

Top 4.

It's an anniversary present for my boyfriend.

I wanted to get him something sexy and fun.

But I can't decide.

So, if you were a straight guy,

would you prefer this...

Or this?

Ok. You're not saying anything.

Maybe I should just buy him a videogame and forget it.

No. No. No. No. I love it.

When I say I love it, I mean I know your boyfriend will love it.

'Cause I love men.

I bet your boyfriend is yummy.

Does this bra make my boobs look too big?

No. You're buying that. You're insane.

Any problems?

Nah. It's been pretty quiet.

Listen, I'm having a little after hours wine and cheese reception tomorrow night.

You guys should come.

Oh, yeah. Definitely. Thanks.

Great. I'll see you both then.

Hey, Sophia is that you?

Excuse me, guys.

Ha! You said you couldn't make a friend by planning it out.

For your information, I already made her laugh twice.

We exchanged a wheat-free muffin recipe.

And she agrees that Matthew McConaughey can smell as bad as he wants

as long as he keeps his shirt off. Huh?!

Ok. Come on. I got my grill back. So, let's hit the road. Ok?

You know what? It's really getting packed in here.

I better stick around and help Sophia out. Ok?

Hey, girlfriends!

Hey, Tommy, Curtis and I are about to go to this party.

I need you to help me out with something.

Yeah. What's up?

Uh, you know Louise's crush is coming over to study.

I want you to keep an eye on this kid, ok?

Don't worry about it, dad. If he tried anything funny,

he'll win front row seats to the gun show.

Say hello to Smith and Western.

It's Wesson.

It's Wesson and Western? Wesson and Western.

No. It's... doesn't matter. Look, when the kid comes over,

you just keep an eye on him, ok? You know what?

If anything breaks out, ask him to jump on the trampoline.

Have you met this kid?

No. But I know the type.

You know, probably super popular, handsome, thinks he's a badass.

Walks around breaking hearts.

Pretty much me at 12 years old.

Wasn't that the year that you stopped the tea cups in the middle of the ride

so you could get off?

You were spinning the tea cups to fast, Curtis.

Tea cup ride is supposed to be fun.

Not a damn NASA experiment.

All right, that's him now. Ok, remember.

This kid tries anything, you call me immediately. You follow?

Can I help you?

I'm Kenny. I'm here to study with Louise.

You're Kenny? Hey, come on in. How are ya?

Louise's dad. These are some other people.

Hey, come on in. Just go into the kitchen. Make yourself at home.

Whatever you want. If you can't reach it,

just climb up on a chair and get it.

That's Kenny?! Oh my gosh.

That kid could pose for bowling trophies.

Yeah. You got nothing to worry about.

The only move that kid is making is on a chessboard.

Look like I can put these bad boys away.

Not yet. I'm having corn on the cob later.

I might need them to pick my teeth with.

That's a good one, dad. That'll get a lot of laughs

when you're at the old folks home and you don't get any visitors.

It's funny. You're grounded.

Ok. So, I think I'm gonna get the grill back.

This is great.

I should ask for other things I lost in the divorce.

Like my leather chair. My stereo.

My "bj and the bear" dvd box set.

Hello! Remake nobody's thought of yet.

Bottom line is, the first time in 2 years things have been coming back my way.

Divorce is amazingly hard. Everything you ever loved,

you just have to give it away to somebody.

I hear that, man.

Second one goes down a little easier because you ain't got nothing left.

The third one, I'll just throw her the keys to the corsica and be done with it.

Hey, Gary.

hey! -Glad you could make it.

This is... this is great.

You got free booze, free food. Sexy lingerie.

All that's missing is...

No, you pretty much hit this one out of the park.

Hey, soph, great party.

Actually I have an idea for your next one.

They make these plates with the cup holders built right in

so you can hold your food and drink in one hand

and browse through the merchandise with your other.

That's a great suggestion.

I know, right?

Hey, could you help me pick something out for my girlfriend Charlene?

Sure. What kind of figure does she have?

Let's see. She got really big boobs.

Oh, but then she got a large waist.

But then she got a really big butt.

Let me pick out a few things for you.

OK...

Tommy, it's dad. Hey.

How's everything going over there with Kenny?

Did he try anything?

What?

Homemade french fries? Who does that?

That's weird. I didn't even know we had potatoes.

No, you're dad just likes to say things funny sometimes.

That's all, son.

Look. I'll be home so... on.

How soon?

Uh, soon ish.

Oh, that's great.

Because I would love for you and me to get out of here and a grab a drink.

Ha. Ok. What about Allison? What about the party?

You can't just walk out on your new friend and everything. You know?

Listen, I feel bad. But I really don't see allison and I being friends.

I mean, she's kind of pushy and controlling.

And I'm just not into that.

But I am into big, sexy,

handsome guys who know their way around women's underwear.

Ohh. Ok. Hey. If any of those guys don't show up, you call me.

I still can't believe it. A young,

hot woman who owns a lingerie shop

kisses you on the mouth and then you run out of there

like she hiked up her skirt from that scene in "The Crying Game."

I didn't know what to do. This meant so much to Allison to make a new friend.

I can't sleep with the lady

Allison wants to be friends with. She'd be mad at me.

And Allison's vengeful. One time at a Christmas party,

my elbow accidentally brushed up against her sister's boob.

Next night Allison takes my razor.

She starts peeling carrots with it.

So, the next morning after that, I go to shave,

the next thing I know, my face looks like James woods.

But Sophia doesn't like Allison. You're not preventing anything.

That's not how Allison's going to see it.

First she'll be crushed. Then she'll be angry.

Then she'll blame me for the whole thing.

This ain't right. Ok.

You're worried about crushing Allison and you're the one who got crushed.

You said it yourself. You lost everything that you care about.

And now you don't get to have a little bit of pleasure?

You're right. Just because Sophia doesn't want to be friends with Allison.

That doesn't mean I can't sleep with Sophia.

Exactly. Exactly. So, now I wouldn't tell Allison immediately.

I mean, not until we have the grill physically in our possession.

that Sophia's not into her...

sausage-fest will be over and done with.

Exactly. We will be so filled with sausage

that the thought of stuffing another sausage in our mouth...

you know what, you're right.

We probably should think about changing the name.

Hey, Louise. I saw your homework was laying out.

So, I finished all your geometric proofs for you.

What's the matter, honey?

The only thing that makes you laug more than daddy understands your homework

is the old video of the hunter getting beaten up

by the deer in "animals fight back."

It's stupid Kenny. I thought we had a lot of fun studying together last night.

And then today at school, he totally ignored me.

Come on sweet girl. Look, this is what happened.

Ok. Kenny sees a girl like you,

and he just thinks he's completely out of his league. That's all.

So, you're saying if I like him, I have to make the first move.

No. No. No. No. That's not what I'm saying.

You're not to make the first move or any move whatsoever.

Don't make any moves.

And if you do, I don't ever want to know about it.

You can't tell me unless if I ask you.

And then you have to be honest, unless I don't want to hear it.

But if Kenny makes the first move, you have to tell me

because that way I can kill him.

So, don't make any moves, and don't let him do... you know what I'm saying.

I think what you're saying is if I like Kenny,

I should ask him to go do something but then never mention it.

Exactly.

You know we can talk about anything, right?

- Hi. - Hi.

What do you think?

It's nice. If I was a headless plastic man, my search would be over.

Maybe you should see it on a real woman.

Really? You want me to just... oh, my God. I love those... it.

Look our reservation isn't for another half hour,

so we can go over there, sit at the bar,

get to know each other a little better.

Sounds great.

Unless there's something else you'd rather do.

Do you?

I'm just going to pull the trigger here.

Oh, my gosh. Hey, that was incredible.

Look our reservation isn't for like another half hour,

if you want we could get to know each other a little better.

No, I'm just going to save us some time and pull the trigger here.

My trigger doesn't make that noise.

It's probably the UPS guy. Don't move. I'll be right back.

Oh, I think I've seen this movie.

Hey!

Coming!

Hey, I was in the neighborhood.

Oh, hi, Allison.

Ohh, God. I'm so sorry. Are you getting dressed?

Uh, I was just trying on some of our new merchandise.

Great. Listen. I don't mean to barge in.

But I found some of those plates with the cup holders we were talking about.

And I figured I'd save you the trip. I got you a few.

And then I thought we could have some wine. You know maybe

Oh! Ohh! Is that Pinot Grigio? I'm more of a Chardonnay girl.

Oh, well, that's because you haven't tried this?

Listen, Allison. I don't mean to be rude.

But it's just that I have plans.

Oh. I'm so sorry. No. Of course. It's no big deal.

I mean, I totally get it. Who likes to drop by...

Are you selling guy's stuff now?

Oh, um... I think the UPS guy left that.

Uh-huh. So, the UPS guy's name is not only Gary Brooks.

But his wife had to write his name on the inside of the collar

'cause he kept losing his shirts at fantasy baseball camp! Gary!

Allison, look...

I know you're in here, Gary. Get out here, right now!

Oh, my God. I can never unsee that.

Maybe I should leave you two alone.

Unbelievable.

It was either this or the bustier.

And I thought it made me look too chesty.

Oh, my God, Gary! It's not funny. You're a jerk.

Come on, Allison. It's not m

How could you do this to me? You know how I felt about her.

She came onto me!

Really?

Yes. It's so hard to believe that a sexy woman would find all this attractive?

Look, I'm a man, Allison.

Men have needs!

And sometimes, men, we think with our needs.

How am I supposed to hang out with her now?

I mean, it's like you saw something that I wanted.

And you just didn't want me to have it.

She doesn't want to hang out with you, Allison.

She thinks you're pushy, bossy, and controlling.

I don't believe that.

Sophia, get out here! I want to talk to you!

No thank you!

She doesn't want to be your friend. Sorry.

Oh. Um... Well, you know, that's too bad. I'm just gonna go home.

Allison, wait. Just wait.

Would you unhook me? I can't breathe in this thing.

Ahem. Hey. What you doing?

Reading "Sense and sensibility."

It's actually kind of funny when you drink.

Look, I'm sorry. Can we just do the whole

it-was-all-my-fault speech and just be done with it?

Look, Gary. You did everything right.

I'm sorry. I think I misheard you. What?

You didn't do anything wrong.

Have you snapped? Where are the kids? Are the kids safe?

Gary, look Ii... I asked you to introduce me to Sophia.

And you did. I mean, I blew it by coming on too strong.

Ok. So you're not blaming me for any of this?

Well, maybe just the negligee.

I mean, you looked like Janet Reno.

Actually, I wanted to thank you.

You want to thank me? Ok, seriously, where are kids? Tom! Louise!

Gary. Gary.

Look, I was looking for a friend. And I found one.

But Sophia doesn't want to be your friend...

I'm not talking about her.

I'm talking about you.

You told me things that I needed to hear.

And only a real friend would have the guts to do that. So, thank you.

I've always been your friend, allison.

I got something for ya.

My grill. That's right. Let me get Curtis over here,

because I'm gonna need help putting it in my van.

No.

I wore this when I was pregnant...

with Tom. And I thought it was your color.

You laugh. But if you think I'm not mowing the lawn in this, you're crazy.

And also your "BJ and the bear" box set.

Yeah! BJ and the bear!

Oh, this is great. I'm bringing bj to sausage-fest

we gotta change the name.

Hey, honey. How's it going?

I went to the movies with kenny.

And it was so great.

Wow. It must have been. Look at that smile.

But you know what? I don't want to know.

I know. But can I tell you a little?

Of course.

Ani had such butterflies I couldn't even eat my milk duds.

Ohh. Sweetie, that's great. I have no problem with that.

But just so you know, every time you hold

hands with a little boy,

a panda cries.

Transcripted on addic7ed.com by: chamallow 35 & YesCool.

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