Original subtitles

And in the final segment of this show, I will tell you

the best thing about women's beach volleyball here's a clue:

it rhymes with "founcing foobies." Hello!

That oughta keep the monkeys happy during commercial.

That sports guy Vic? There's a word for him.

It, rhymes with "Jackass."

Damn it. It's not gonna be the same without you here, man.

I can't believe it only took you 6 weeks to paint 500 square feet.

I admit I was probably stalling

cause I wanted Sasha to notice me and put me on the air.

I used every trick in the contractor's stalling handbook.

No, man, I loved it when you convinced her that the primer need a primer.

That was good.

How about the day I spent washing that brush?

Guys. Curtis, we've got a police situation outside.

What, so you immediately assume it has something to do with me?

- Post-racial, my ass. - No. It's Vic. He's being arrested.

All right, apparently, he's been walking around town exposing himself.

That's... that's terrible.

To animals.

Look, that's just weird. Do the animals Even know?

I mean, how does an animal report something like that?

They have him on security tape at the zoo.

He was in front of the gorilla cage, and I don't know who started it...

Why am I explaining this?

OK, Curtis, I need you to get in there and wrap it up.

- We've got 30 seconds. - Sasha, let me do it.

- I'm sorry. - What? Come on.

You've heard my demo. You know I'm good. Let me do it. Come on.

This is not a radio fantasy camp. We're on the air here.

I'm so sorry, man. It's just, i'm the engineer.

I'm the guy who knows the show. So, it only makes sense

that I take over, you know? I gotta do it.

- You're on. - I can't do it.

- What? - I can't think of anything to say.

You can't think of anything to say? You spent all morning talking about

how many books you could balance on kim Kardashian's ass.

Sasha, let me do it. I'll do it.

All right. Sorry, Curtis.

Hey, everybody, I'm, well, my name's Gary.

Vic will be back in a couple of...

Months?

I can't tell you the reason why, exactly,

but let's just say it rhymes with "basturbating in front of borillas."

OK, so, we're gonna talk some sports here.

I read in the newspaper this morning that, that south African runner,

well, she tested positive for having both male and female

parts, and now, she's banned from competing as a woman.

I think that's terrible. They she should be saluted. That's what...

If I had male and female parts,

I wouldn't be able to leave my house long enough to train.

Just too many options there, I'm sorry.

It's like, it's like being a one-man band.

You get tired of banging your drum, you move over to the slide whistle.

That's...

Anyway, my name is Gary Brooks and that's the score.

How was that?

Thank you, Gary.

Forget all the horrible things I ever said about you.

- Never said anything horrible to me. - I said, "about you," not "to you."

Wait a minute. I just did something good for you.

Why don't you do something nice for me?

Let me finish the morning here on the air?

- I don't know... - Time out.

I just saved your bacon. I'm good. You know I'm good.

You know I never shut up, and the only time I ever expose myself

to an animal is when I was peeing in a bush that was housing

a very indignant raccoon.

OK, you get one shot. Tomorrow morning.

Thank you!

You were not scared at all, were you?

You are welcome.

-= 205 =- "Gary on the Air"

VO By : ¤Aka¤

Team Subs-Addicts"

How great will it be if we get to do a show together? God, I thought my life

peaked when I found out you could buy shrimp that was already peeled.

Yeah, it's gonna be just like the old days, man.

You're gonna be the pitcher and I'm gonna be the catcher.

I mean not like that, not like that.

I mean, it's more like it's more like football.

You know, you'll be throwing balls and I'm the receiver.

Not like that, either.

Hey, there they are.

- What's the word, my man? - I'll be in the bathroom.

That's a man on a mission. I get that.

Hey, dad. For volunteer week at school,

i'm gonna video tape greetings from us

to uncle Mitch and the marines in his unit.

So, think of something to say.

OK, I will. That's great, sweetheart.

Yeah, it feels good to volunteer.

Plus, it's extra credit and I'm all over that, so.

Hey, before Allison comes in, don't tell her about my radio audition, OK?

Why not?

Because Allison will say something like, "why are you gonna

give up a good painter's job "with a steady income

"to follow a radio pipe dream" that pays half as much?"

Actually, it's 1/3 as much.

That's why Vic had to take that second job at the zoo.

Gary, listen, I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow,

so I can't drive the kids to school. Can you do car pool?

No, I can't because i

you know, I'll be honest with you. I have something else planned.

Something you're not willing to tell me. So, what does that mean?

A game you want to watch? A hot dog stand you haven't tried?

No, I...

How do you know I'm not taking a new interesting class?

Is there a new zombie movie opening tomorrow?

I mean, what... What could it be?

It has to be something, and something stupid.

All right, I'll take the kids to school, all right? Just get out.

Gary, just one more thing.

I'm concerned about Tom. He's been spending a lot of time in the bathroom

lately and, even though I know it's appropriate for

boys his age to

do things,

He's been acting a little anxious and defensive, so.

OK, all right. You want me to talk to him?

'cause I'm very comfortable with the human body.

Yeah, Curtis, I got that the summer we all spent at the lake.

OK, so, now, a guy can't get an all over tan?

I'll talk to Tommy, OK?

I'll just tell him what my dad told me, that every time you do it,

a window in space opens up and spiritual warriors

come out and they spread happiness and awareness.

- How many drugs did your dad do? - A lot.

I'm not sure exactly how many, but I was the only kid whose dad

made a pipe out of his pinewood derby car.

All right, just, just rember car pool tomorrow,

and I'm assuming that's a "Yes" on talking to Tom.

I don't want him growing up thinking it's something shameful

you have to hide in a tool shed to do.

What are you gonna do?

You can't go do your audition if you're taking the kids to school.

I'm not gonna be taking my kids to school. Someone will,

because the school has set up a car pool

phone tree. You call one of the names on this list. If they can't do it,

they call someone else and so on until someone's taking your kids to school.

How is that like a tree?

I mean, if each person talks to the next person,

and then they talk to the next person, that's a phone Chain,

that's a phone Chain.

I don't know, they just, they call it a phone tree.

I'm telling you, if one person calls many people,

that's a tree, 'cause it branches out.

Stop. Is this gonna bother you all day?

No, no. I'm just... I'm gonna get a beer, OK?

I mean, a phone train. A phone... phone stream.

I mean, tree is the only thing that doesn't describe it.

- Tom, get out of the bathroom! - Yeah, I'll be out in a minute.

That's what you said 5 minutes ago. What are you doing in there?

No matter what he's doing in there, do you really want him to answer that?

- Fine. - Get ready for school, would you?

Tommy, that's enough now.

Come on, your ride for school's here. Let's go.

- What the heck's going on in there? - OK, I don't wanna talk about it.

- Can't you just mind your own business? - You don't have to talk about it.

But listen, it's no big deal. Everybody goes through it.

I went through it, your uncle went through it.

I'm not going through anything. So, don't.

Relax. Look, if you happen to find yourself going through

an exciting new chapter in your life, just

know that every, single man on the planet

has enjoyed that chapter over and over and over again.

OK? Now, go to school, and take comfort knowing that it has a very happy ending.

So, Michael Vick is back in the NFL

and, yeah, the guy served his time in prison,

but I don't think this is all gonna even out until he faces

a defensive line of Pit Bulls and somebody snaps him a ham.

Gary, remind people to call in.

OK, everybody, don't forget to call in. I'm Gary Brooks. This is the score.

Let's talk some sports. All sports except for soccer.

And don't call me and tell me how great soccer is.

You always say things like, "come on.

It's the most popular sport in the entire world." Who cares?

Coldplay's the most popular band in the entire world,

but that doesn't mean I don't wanna light a Nickelback CD

on fire and beat Chris Martin over the head with it.

You got a call on line 1.

We have allie in Marvista. She's upset. Why are you so angry, Allie?

Because my stupid ex-husband is doing a radio show,

and I got a call from the phone tree

asking if I could take my own kids to school.

That's crazy.

Can you?

Gary, what the hell are you doing on the radio while

the kids are waiting at your house for a ride?

OK, I would explain, but you're calling me right in the middle of my show.

I'm sorry. Am interrupting your show? I just have one question.

What freakin' show, Gar?

The score with Gary Brooks!

And you're our first caller, so,

you win our Kobe Bryant bobblehead. There you go.

We'll get that out to you right away. Is your address still the gates of hell?

I can't believe you kept this secret from me, Gary.

Allison, your reaction is the exact reason why I didn't tell you about this.

I only get one shot at this radio gig, and I didn't want you

to spoil it for me like you spoiled

our marriage and sex and the endings of movies.

I'm not trying to spoil anything for you but come on. A new career? Now?

I mean, would you make as much money on the radio as you do painting?

I'm not sure. Probably.

Gary, I don't understand this. I mean, you have a good job

and you make good money. Why would you throw all that away?

And for the record, I didn't ruin that movie ending on purpose.

I just guessed that goose would die in a traing mission and Maverick would live.

You know what? For once in my life, I'm actually

in control here, so, I am cutting you off.

Gary, keep her on.

People are loving the show. The phones are lighting up like a Christmas tree.

OK, we got another call. This is Keith from burbank.

Keith, what's on your mind?

Man, Gary, I hate when chicks give away movie endings.

My girlfriend used to do that.

Except she didn't really know she was my girlfriend, and she was a stranger.

OK. Why don't I let allison respond to that?

Allison, why do you guys ruin movie endings?

Please. Half those movies you said I ruined, Stephen Baldwin

was already ruing.

Can we just talk about this later, please?

Yeah, I'd love to, Alison. But, we actually have another caller.

Look at this. We got Stu from Valencia. Stu, you're on the score.

I've been listening to this whole discussion. I think you're both

making really good points, and I just have to say, Allison?

You sound hot.

You know what, Allison? I know you think this dream is crazy,

but if I don't go for this right now, when will i?

Probably never will. This is my chance, and

guys like me and guys like Keith out there,

guys that know what it's like to work for a living, guys

that bust their butts day in and day out they know what i'm talking about.

My whole life, I've done what I've had to do,

and now, finally, I have a chance to do what I want to do.

So, Allison, just so I can really understand your side,

what are you? Like, a 34c?

Bite me, Stu.

Gary? Please, can we have an adult conversation here?

Yeah, that's real mature, Gar.

OK, you know what?

Just once, I would like to talk to you...

You know what, Gary? Gary, I'm right and you're wrong.

That was Allie in Marvista.

I'm Gary Brooks, and this is the score.

Oh, my god.

I'm sorry. I didn't know Allison was gonna call in and ruin everything.

Gary, that was amazing.

Really? Oh, my gosh. That's great.

You know, I gotta let my bosses hear it, but

I think this is something that I can sell to them.

Way to go, champ.

Man, that was awesome, man. The phones were lighting up.

Most of the guys were on your side couple of guys

wanted Allison's phone number.

And Nickelback called and said if there were more of them, they'd kick your ass.

I believe this is actually going to happen!

This is totally gonna happen. You're gonna be the guy on top,

and I'm gonna be the guy right underneath you.

Not like that, not like that.

Hi, KPPQ?

Yes, my name is, Steve Karisnowski and

and I was calling because I really loved that guy

you had on the air this morning, Gary Brooks was his name, I think?

Karisnowski.

"K"...

You know, just how it sounds.

Hello?

KPPQ? This is Christopher Walken, hello.

I'm calling 'cause of that boy you had on the radio this morning.

I think his name was Gary Brooks.

Now, normally, I don't listen to sports talk radio, but...

He made me a fan!

Keep him on the air. I like it. I like it.

- Hi. - Hey, there she is, my biggest fan.

What the heck were you doing calling in to the radio show?

What were you doing? What? All of a sudden, you're a radio personality?

Why didn't you tell me you were doing this?

I knew you would be against it. It's your job

to vacuum fun out of my life.

You even have special attachment to suck fun out of all my hard to reach places.

Look, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I overreacted.

I just you were on the radio and I got all panicked

about how we were gonna be able to afford everything.

Gary, it's a tiny little station.

Will you make as much on the radio as you do painting?

Not at first, OK?

But after a few years, when I get my own following,

I still won't even come close.

Gary, there's something I haven't told you.

Come on. We haven't had sex in 6 months.

No, do you rember a couple of months ago, we sent in that application

for Louise to get in to the l.A Philharmonic youth program?

Yeah, you told me it was a super expensive

and prestigious. But don't worry 'cause she won't get in.

She got in.

Of course she did. She's so darn good at everything.

Listen to me, this music program,

it's gonna be a stretch Even on your painter's salary,

but if you quit painting and you start making less,

I don't know if we'll be able to afford it at all.

And I know it's a little weird for me to say this, because

I don't contribute as much financially,

- but... - You mean, like 0 dollars?

Jeez, Gary, if you want to put a number on it. God.

Look, this is... This is terrible. This radio thing is like my dream.

But I can't stand in the way of Louise. This is super important for her. Yeah.

It's time to say something to uncle Mitch and the marines in his unit.

Hey, Mitch. It's your little brother. Come home soon. We love you.

Tommy's bunk bed is waiting for you.

I just wanted to say thanks to you and everyone in your unit.

For your service. And, stay safe.

'cause I wanna give you a great, big hug when you come home.

Thanks. He's really gonna love that.

Tom, is there anything that you want to say to uncle Mitch?

Can I have a little peace?

Tom wants peace, uncle Mitch.

- Hey, guys. What's up? - Hey. Allie.

So, listen, man, we wanted to talk to you.

I think I should tell him.

It's probably better coming from a buddy.

Anyway, it didn't work out.

Sasha tried really hard but the guys upstairs,

they just didn't respond to the show. I'm sorry.

Well.

That's what I get. It was dumb of me to Even get my hopes up.

I'm sorry, Gar.

And they also said i'm just messing with you, man.

- They loved you! - What?

They loved you, Gary.

Congratulations. You are the new KPPQ sports guy.

Hey, you should have seen your face.

It's like your heart was broken.

Yeah, tell him how it went down.

I gave the tape to management, and they flipped.

You were Edgy, you were funny, you knew your stuff.

And then, I made the point that it's the kind of show that both men

and women would listen to, which made me look like a genius.

So, what do you say?

I'm gonna have to say no.

Yes! Wait. Hold on. What?

Sorry, I can't do it. Sorry.

Well, hold on a second. Let me get this straight.

The thing you've been pestering

me to give you for the last 6 weeks, you're now saying you don't want?

What are you? A toddler?

- Look, I can't do it. I'm sorry. - Gary, you have to do this.

And not just because i'm gonna look like a giant ass to my boss if you say no.

But because you were born to do this.

I've never seen anyone enjoy themselves doing anything

the way that I saw you enjoy being on the radio.

It was like you were glowing.

And I don't know if I've had that feeling doing anything in my life, ever.

My, my daughter

has an opportunity to do something really incredible,

and I will not be able to make that work

on a Dj's salary, so, I can't.

I'm sorry. I cannot do it.

- I'm really upset to hear that. - Hang on. Sasha, just.

Gary, can I talk to you for a second?

What?

- You gotta take the job. - I can't.

How are we gonna pay for Louise program?

I don't know. Gary, we'll figure it out. We'll save, we'll stretch.

I don't know, but you gotta do it.

It'll make you really happy.

Is this a trap?

No, look. You may not believe this but I want you to be happy.

And not just because I care about you.

But because if you're happy, Gary,

the family is happy.

And what could be more inspiring to the kids than seeing their dad

doing something he loves?

We're just gonna make it work.

Yeah, this... This has "trap" written all over it.

Hey, guys, listen.

I'm sorry. I really tried, but he doesn't want to do it.

What? He's giving this up? This is the chance of a lifetime.

I can't believe he's turning this down.

Which is why I'm not throwing it away. I'm messing with you! I'm doing it!

- I am your new sports guy. - This is so great!

Please, feel free to call in as often as you like, all right?

Do you guys think you can find something to fight about every day?

Gee, I don't know. It might be a little rough, but

we'll get it together once the cameras are rolling.

But it's not cameras, Gary. It's radio.

I knew you were gonna say that. The second I said the word "camera,"

I knew you were gonna correct me in front of my friends.

This is... This is perfect.

This is perfect. I love it.

Welcome aboard.

Well, congratulations, Gary.

- You finally got your own show. - I got my own show!

Just like we said. Man, it's gonna be you and me.

All right? You're gonna be the hot dog to my bun. But not like that.

I gotta thank you.

If you weren't a royal pain in my ass, my dream never would have come true.

No! Oh, my god, this is terrible!

Oh, my god. What?

I can't believe this is how it ends!

What?

- Honey, you don't like the ending? - Oh, god!

Gary, call the doctor. He's crying. He's crying.

All right, that's enough now. Tommy, I'm coming in now.

Come on. Enough's enough. I'm com...

Gary, do lave. That could be very damaging right now.

Oh, my gosh. You won't believe what he's been doing in here.

He's reading "bridges of madison county."

I didn't want anyone to know.

- Honey, that's, like, the saddest book. - Yeah, I know.

- And dad said it had a happy ending. - All right.

That's a relief. Isn't it?

Yeah, It's Kinda weird he's reading that book in the bathroom.

I hope when he does the other thing, he doesn't start doing in the library.

Team Subs-Addicts"

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