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1
00:00:04,744 --> 00:00:06,839
But if she's saying
"you're so vain" because
2
00:00:06,927 --> 00:00:09,007
the dude thinks the song is about him,
3
00:00:09,183 --> 00:00:13,176
and the song is actually about him, then
he's not vain, he's just right, right?
4
00:00:15,323 --> 00:00:19,311
If I agree with you on this can't we put
"don't fear the reefer" to bed forever?
5
00:00:19,721 --> 00:00:20,806
Fine with me.
6
00:00:21,185 --> 00:00:22,185
Narc.
7
00:00:24,120 --> 00:00:26,012
Hey, dad, I had a problem at school.
8
00:00:26,435 --> 00:00:28,491
Why don't you grab us
a couple of beers, OK?
9
00:00:28,629 --> 00:00:32,013
- Great. That'll take the edge off.
- Not for you. For me and him.
10
00:00:32,855 --> 00:00:33,855
Well...
11
00:00:34,531 --> 00:00:37,077
I was at gym class,
showering with all the guys.
12
00:00:37,528 --> 00:00:39,385
I accidentally slipped on a bar of soap.
13
00:00:39,473 --> 00:00:41,403
Why don't you make it a 6-pack, Mitch?
14
00:00:42,561 --> 00:00:45,550
So I went to reach for something to
brace myself because it's human instinct
15
00:00:45,633 --> 00:00:46,832
- right?
- Right.
16
00:00:47,263 --> 00:00:48,263
And so,
17
00:00:49,268 --> 00:00:51,678
what I grabbed was
Chris Melnick's Junk.
18
00:00:53,935 --> 00:00:56,533
Fill your pockets, Mitch.
Grab as many as you can carry.
19
00:00:57,784 --> 00:00:59,853
Now all the guys are
calling me Doorknob.
20
00:01:00,256 --> 00:01:01,256
Gosh.
21
00:01:01,523 --> 00:01:03,770
That's not good.
How many people know about this?
22
00:01:04,217 --> 00:01:05,795
Bathroom's free, Doorknob.
23
00:01:07,729 --> 00:01:09,067
It's getting out there.
24
00:01:11,156 --> 00:01:12,487
OK, what's the problem?
25
00:01:12,661 --> 00:01:14,346
We got a nickname situation here.
26
00:01:14,514 --> 00:01:16,091
- How bad is it?
- Doorknob.
27
00:01:18,512 --> 00:01:20,714
What did you do, grab a guy's panhandle?
28
00:01:21,994 --> 00:01:23,957
- This happened to you?
- No. No way.
29
00:01:24,040 --> 00:01:26,103
It happened to a kid in
our high school, though.
30
00:01:26,186 --> 00:01:27,684
Ending up killing himself.
31
00:01:28,092 --> 00:01:29,102
Oh, my god.
32
00:01:29,993 --> 00:01:32,559
No, it's not gonna happen to you,
all right? I mean, this
33
00:01:32,647 --> 00:01:34,653
kid had a lot of other stuff going on.
34
00:01:36,887 --> 00:01:37,887
Look.
35
00:01:39,047 --> 00:01:41,757
Son, this isn't a big deal.
You're gonna get past this, OK?
36
00:01:42,304 --> 00:01:45,538
You don't want to get stuck with
a nickname. Once those things catch on,
37
00:01:45,621 --> 00:01:47,457
they'll stick with
for the rest of your life.
38
00:01:47,545 --> 00:01:49,774
I mean, we know a bunch
of those guys. Tugger.
39
00:01:52,268 --> 00:01:53,291
Mr. Peanut,
40
00:01:54,332 --> 00:01:56,678
Fatty Mcfatterson
of the Connecticut Mcfattersons.
41
00:01:56,761 --> 00:01:57,783
You know what,
42
00:01:59,327 --> 00:02:01,586
we get it there, Mitch.
Son, here's the thing.
43
00:02:02,345 --> 00:02:04,617
You have to do something
that will eliminate this nickname.
44
00:02:04,705 --> 00:02:08,211
You either have to get in a fight,
pull a prank, or have a legendary party.
45
00:02:08,294 --> 00:02:11,022
But you got to do it quick
before this nickname sticks. OK?
46
00:02:11,154 --> 00:02:13,006
All right, dad.
I'll think of something.
47
00:02:13,459 --> 00:02:14,459
All right.
48
00:02:16,532 --> 00:02:19,081
- That's solid advice there, tugger.
- Shut up!
49
00:02:21,467 --> 00:02:24,798
- Hey, guys.
- You know what, Allison, all right,
50
00:02:25,003 --> 00:02:27,842
when we went to Kathy Polasik's party
and I was in the bathroom
51
00:02:27,926 --> 00:02:29,869
for a really long time,
I had the stomach ache?
52
00:02:29,957 --> 00:02:32,095
Will you tell Mitch
nothing else was going on in there?
53
00:02:32,178 --> 00:02:33,481
He had a stomach ache.
54
00:02:33,564 --> 00:02:35,759
Is that what you wanted me to say,
tugger?
55
00:02:37,161 --> 00:02:39,703
Gary, this is Louise's dance stuff.
And just a reminder,
56
00:02:39,786 --> 00:02:42,285
howard and I are going to sante
fe this weekend, so you go the kids.
57
00:02:42,398 --> 00:02:45,034
No. No, I don't.
You have the kids 'cause
58
00:02:45,117 --> 00:02:48,155
i'm taking Mitch out for his last night
out before he goes back to active duty.
59
00:02:48,252 --> 00:02:50,659
I don't know what to tell you.
We bought plane tickets already.
60
00:02:51,033 --> 00:02:53,670
I can watch Louise.
Aren't I old enough to baby-sit?
61
00:02:54,922 --> 00:02:56,397
I don't know, honey. I mean.
62
00:02:56,480 --> 00:02:58,644
Wait a minute.
We're only gonna be gone a couple hours.
63
00:02:58,727 --> 00:03:02,472
What kind of legendary trouble
could he possibly get into?
64
00:03:05,122 --> 00:03:07,645
Come on, I'm responsible.
Plus, Louise listens to me.
65
00:03:07,733 --> 00:03:10,270
Watch.
Louise, come pick up your bag.
66
00:03:10,554 --> 00:03:13,279
Why don't you pick it up?
I hear you're good at grabbing stuff.
67
00:03:17,806 --> 00:03:20,457
-= 204 =-
"Gary Shoots Fish in a Barrel"
68
00:03:20,545 --> 00:03:22,563
VO By : ¤Aka¤
69
00:03:22,678 --> 00:03:24,476
Team Subs-Addicts"
70
00:03:24,700 --> 00:03:26,303
Curtis, are you coming out with us?
71
00:03:26,392 --> 00:03:29,612
We're, having a big night
out before big brother goes overseas.
72
00:03:29,695 --> 00:03:31,671
Hell yes, man.
What are we thinking about?
73
00:03:31,754 --> 00:03:34,600
First I thought we'd go to the buggy
whip for some nice steaks,
74
00:03:34,683 --> 00:03:37,474
then we head on over to champs
for some nonstop sports highlights.
75
00:03:37,557 --> 00:03:39,152
Wait, wait. Hold on a second.
76
00:03:39,261 --> 00:03:41,761
Your big send-off for him going
to the marines is cut-rate meat
77
00:03:41,885 --> 00:03:43,980
and a bunch of guys
running around in uniform?
78
00:03:45,225 --> 00:03:47,267
- What's wrong with that?
- That is the marines.
79
00:03:48,536 --> 00:03:50,551
Let me tell you what
we're gonna do on friday night?
80
00:03:50,634 --> 00:03:52,483
You and Mitch are gonna
come with me to a bar
81
00:03:52,566 --> 00:03:54,430
down in the Marina called fish
in a barrel.
82
00:03:54,565 --> 00:03:57,068
It is a Mecca for divorced women
n their thirties and forties
83
00:03:57,151 --> 00:03:59,558
looking for nothing more
than a roll in the hay.
84
00:04:00,992 --> 00:04:03,298
Well, Gary, I do love steak,
but I have to admit,
85
00:04:03,381 --> 00:04:06,137
something sounds very
intriguing about guaranteed sex.
86
00:04:06,765 --> 00:04:08,997
Man, you're divorced.
Do you know how many married men
87
00:04:09,094 --> 00:04:11,605
fantasize about sleeping around
with a bunch of different women?
88
00:04:11,694 --> 00:04:12,959
You got the golden ticket,
89
00:04:13,042 --> 00:04:16,124
and you're not even entering
the chocolate factory with grandpa Joe.
90
00:04:17,050 --> 00:04:20,444
I don't know. That's not my scene,
man. I'm a relationship guy.
91
00:04:20,528 --> 00:04:22,710
I just want to sit on the couch
with someone who'll
92
00:04:22,793 --> 00:04:24,169
let me watch whatever I want.
93
00:04:25,481 --> 00:04:28,185
You've been in relationships
your entire life and they've always,
94
00:04:28,268 --> 00:04:30,624
always been a failure.
You cheated on Stephanie Schaedel
95
00:04:30,707 --> 00:04:32,766
and she burnt your entire
record collection.
96
00:04:32,849 --> 00:04:36,521
Half my record collection. She only got
Allman brothers up to Metallica.
97
00:04:37,697 --> 00:04:39,123
Then you move right onto Allison
98
00:04:39,211 --> 00:04:41,658
and she takes everything you've got,
including your CD collection.
99
00:04:41,741 --> 00:04:43,907
Half my CD collection.
Nirvana to Zappa.
100
00:04:45,289 --> 00:04:48,028
Does any of the above
sound fun to you at all?
101
00:04:48,167 --> 00:04:49,537
Dating is the fun part.
102
00:04:49,742 --> 00:04:52,978
Try a few ice cream flavors with
the little spoons before you go for the
103
00:04:53,061 --> 00:04:55,166
weird bubblegum one
with the chunks in it.
104
00:04:56,183 --> 00:04:58,127
All right, you know what, friday night,
105
00:04:58,210 --> 00:05:00,414
fish in a barrel, I'm in.
I'll even bring my little spoon.
106
00:05:00,502 --> 00:05:02,238
All right,
that's what I'm talking about.
107
00:05:02,321 --> 00:05:05,005
Hey, and any guy who doesn't
wake up with Rug Burns,
108
00:05:05,088 --> 00:05:08,409
Claw Marks, and their name
hickied across their chest
109
00:05:08,697 --> 00:05:09,997
is a loser.
110
00:05:14,935 --> 00:05:16,929
We're gonna be gone a couple hours, so,
111
00:05:17,526 --> 00:05:20,621
don't do anything too legendary,
like grab all that extra toilet paper
112
00:05:20,704 --> 00:05:23,001
I bought and T.P
the principal's house, OK?
113
00:05:23,274 --> 00:05:25,060
And I definitely hope
you're not planning
114
00:05:25,148 --> 00:05:27,200
on turning to the back
of this free newspaper
115
00:05:27,515 --> 00:05:29,862
and calling any of these
numbers under "Pretty Women."
116
00:05:31,086 --> 00:05:33,534
Mitch, that might be
a little too legendary, OK?
117
00:05:33,626 --> 00:05:34,943
Guys, don't worry about it.
118
00:05:35,026 --> 00:05:37,050
I got this whole nickname
thing under control, OK.
119
00:05:37,133 --> 00:05:38,413
Hey, attaboy, Tommy.
120
00:05:38,637 --> 00:05:40,819
Way to grab this nickname
thing by the...
121
00:05:40,902 --> 00:05:43,786
You know what, bad analogy.
Good job. Come on, let's go.
122
00:05:43,869 --> 00:05:46,341
You do know the difference
between legendary and illegal, right?
123
00:05:46,424 --> 00:05:49,639
Yeah. It's illegal to steal
the rival high school's mascot,
124
00:05:50,266 --> 00:05:52,285
but it's legendary
to return it pregnant.
125
00:05:57,041 --> 00:05:58,909
So, what's your plan, Doorknob?
126
00:06:00,483 --> 00:06:03,219
Check it out, right. I found
this movie in a bag in the garage.
127
00:06:03,328 --> 00:06:04,615
It's rated "R."
128
00:06:05,654 --> 00:06:06,490
So?
129
00:06:06,769 --> 00:06:07,578
So?
130
00:06:08,130 --> 00:06:10,878
I'm gonna be the guy who gets
rated "R" movies for people, OK.
131
00:06:10,985 --> 00:06:13,677
I'll be Mr. Movie.
The dirty movie man.
132
00:06:14,838 --> 00:06:15,948
Pervert hoover.
133
00:06:16,953 --> 00:06:20,132
The important thing is, Doorknob,
it's gonna be a thing of the past.
134
00:06:21,043 --> 00:06:24,198
What's the movie? Shouldn't we watch
it so we can know your product?
135
00:06:24,301 --> 00:06:26,548
I've never heard of it before, but it's
called candyman,
136
00:06:26,631 --> 00:06:28,120
so kids are gonna like it.
137
00:06:29,550 --> 00:06:32,036
How come the guy on the
cover has a hook for a hand?
138
00:06:32,346 --> 00:06:33,381
I don't know.
139
00:06:33,776 --> 00:06:36,250
Maybe he puts marshmallows
on it or something, right.
140
00:06:45,483 --> 00:06:47,132
This is gonna be great.
141
00:06:47,479 --> 00:06:50,046
Staff sergeant Mitchell Brooks
reporting for booty.
142
00:06:51,712 --> 00:06:55,046
Now, remember, we are only here for
one-night stands. No deep conversations,
143
00:06:55,155 --> 00:06:57,813
no "I feel like I've known you my
whole life," and most importantly,
144
00:06:57,896 --> 00:07:01,336
no real names. You're only here for sex?
No reason to make it personal.
145
00:07:02,956 --> 00:07:05,724
Look at them, I've never seen a more
pathetic group of people in my life.
146
00:07:05,820 --> 00:07:08,586
They're like rescue dogs
pressing their sad faces
147
00:07:08,669 --> 00:07:11,929
against the bar begging you
to take pity and take them home.
148
00:07:16,203 --> 00:07:18,799
- What are you doing here?
- Needleman and I had a big fight.
149
00:07:18,883 --> 00:07:20,955
And, you know,
we may have broken up, so.
150
00:07:21,038 --> 00:07:24,197
Anyway, I'm meeting some friends,
and they're already inside.
151
00:07:24,280 --> 00:07:27,190
Now they're only letting girls in
if they're, you know, with guys, so.
152
00:07:27,281 --> 00:07:28,931
That's terrible for you.
So long.
153
00:07:32,058 --> 00:07:34,470
- All right, Allison, come on.
- Thanks, guys.
154
00:07:38,529 --> 00:07:41,003
This place is going on, man.
155
00:07:41,091 --> 00:07:44,068
- This is gonna be like...
- Yeah, shooting fish in a Barrel.
156
00:07:44,151 --> 00:07:45,211
OK, I get it.
157
00:07:47,847 --> 00:07:50,936
I found my people, so listen,
since i'm not going away,
158
00:07:51,020 --> 00:07:52,753
- i'll pick up the kids later.
- Fine.
159
00:07:52,861 --> 00:07:55,237
And by the way,
your "free mammograms" t-shirt
160
00:07:55,327 --> 00:07:57,182
is showing through your button-down.
161
00:07:57,983 --> 00:07:59,499
You can read it, right?
162
00:08:03,319 --> 00:08:05,882
You and I are gonna have
some sex tonight with women.
163
00:08:05,965 --> 00:08:07,379
Hey, guys, please.
164
00:08:08,657 --> 00:08:10,595
- Not in front of...
- Melinda.
165
00:08:13,035 --> 00:08:14,326
We're gonna go dance.
166
00:08:16,551 --> 00:08:19,948
Man, this bar is totally different.
She asked me if I was wearing underwear.
167
00:08:21,911 --> 00:08:23,874
All right, baby,
let's see your moves here.
168
00:08:23,957 --> 00:08:25,787
Got a smoking hot blonde 3 o'clock.
169
00:08:29,651 --> 00:08:30,795
Hi. How you doing?
170
00:08:31,550 --> 00:08:33,945
- How are you?
- I'm good. Where you from?
171
00:08:34,220 --> 00:08:36,824
A really small town called lone pine.
172
00:08:36,947 --> 00:08:38,610
Lone pine?
Are you kidding me?
173
00:08:38,693 --> 00:08:41,227
Me and my dad used to go there
all the time and we would hike.
174
00:08:41,315 --> 00:08:42,817
I'm a huge hiker.
175
00:08:42,900 --> 00:08:46,503
My god, perfect day would be a long
hike, a big Italian dinner,
176
00:08:46,586 --> 00:08:49,279
then settle in to a Scorse movie.
177
00:08:50,242 --> 00:08:53,094
OK, before I ask you to marry me,
which Scorse movie?
178
00:08:53,660 --> 00:08:55,600
- Raging Bull.
- Raging bull.
179
00:08:55,876 --> 00:08:57,526
We can be in vegas in 4 hours, OK.
180
00:09:00,043 --> 00:09:02,581
- What the hell are you doing?
- What, we're just talking?
181
00:09:02,665 --> 00:09:05,819
OK, I need you to get like tyra
banks' hairline, and back up.
182
00:09:07,793 --> 00:09:09,751
Hey, guys, what's going on?
183
00:09:09,834 --> 00:09:12,967
I'm trying to get my boy here to
learn how to have a one-night stand.
184
00:09:13,577 --> 00:09:15,684
A one-night stand?
Yeah, that's not gonna happen.
185
00:09:15,767 --> 00:09:18,330
Excuse me, can I have another
purple veiner, please?
186
00:09:19,167 --> 00:09:21,104
Hey, I can have a one-night stand.
187
00:09:21,228 --> 00:09:24,537
No, you can't. And I'll tell you why.
'cause you are a creature of habit.
188
00:09:24,622 --> 00:09:28,483
Once sex is made available to you,
you're like a rat hitting a feeder bar.
189
00:09:28,568 --> 00:09:31,118
You'll just keep doing it over
and over as long as she'll let you.
190
00:09:31,201 --> 00:09:34,433
And then, god forbid,
she throws in a comfortable couch,
191
00:09:34,516 --> 00:09:36,753
a full refrigerator,
and a big-screen TV. I mean,
192
00:09:36,836 --> 00:09:39,111
you know, you're not going
anywhere till your heart explodes,
193
00:09:39,194 --> 00:09:42,492
you eat yourself to death, or she comes
to her senses and divorces your ass.
194
00:09:43,287 --> 00:09:44,683
You're wrong, OK.
195
00:09:44,845 --> 00:09:47,737
I going to have sex with a woman tonight
and I will be out of there by morning.
196
00:09:47,820 --> 00:09:51,813
Listen to me, Gary. If you have sex
with a woman who is willing to feed you,
197
00:09:52,183 --> 00:09:55,348
they won't be able to blow you
off her couch with dynamite.
198
00:09:57,728 --> 00:10:00,135
Man, these purple veiners
like really fill you up.
199
00:10:04,280 --> 00:10:06,501
You can do this, man, OK.
You're my boy.
200
00:10:06,795 --> 00:10:10,395
And I care about you more than anybody
in the whole world. What's good, baby?
201
00:10:16,854 --> 00:10:20,320
All right, one-night stand.
I'm in, I'm out.
202
00:10:27,848 --> 00:10:29,537
- Hello yourself.
- My name's...
203
00:10:31,118 --> 00:10:32,118
Johnny.
204
00:10:32,853 --> 00:10:33,924
Johnny Steed.
205
00:10:37,111 --> 00:10:39,652
I'm Leah.
What do you do, Johnny?
206
00:10:39,807 --> 00:10:43,368
I'm a painter. Fireman.
And I'm an inventor.
207
00:10:45,305 --> 00:10:46,545
That is sexy.
208
00:10:46,804 --> 00:10:50,003
I'm a nurse,
so I'm comfortable with the human body.
209
00:10:50,304 --> 00:10:51,304
Very.
210
00:10:52,859 --> 00:10:54,881
Look, Leah, before we go any further,
211
00:10:54,970 --> 00:10:57,602
i'm just gonna tell you right out
i'm not looking for anything long-term.
212
00:10:57,699 --> 00:11:00,940
- You want to go back to my place?
- Is my name Johnny Steed?
213
00:11:02,018 --> 00:11:03,908
That's the name I told you, right?
214
00:11:08,050 --> 00:11:09,435
This is really good.
215
00:11:11,963 --> 00:11:14,430
Yeah, I'm really enjoying this.
216
00:11:17,370 --> 00:11:19,140
You could turn it off if you want.
217
00:11:19,663 --> 00:11:21,554
Why?
Are you scared?
218
00:11:23,008 --> 00:11:24,008
Are you?
219
00:11:33,436 --> 00:11:35,493
- That was amazing.
- You're not kidding.
220
00:11:35,725 --> 00:11:38,461
Hey, listen, I have to get.
221
00:11:38,545 --> 00:11:41,191
- You know, I got this thing.
- It's fine.
222
00:11:41,274 --> 00:11:43,607
- You can just go.
- Really? OK. I just, as
223
00:11:43,692 --> 00:11:46,432
long you're sure. I wanted to make sure
you didn't think that I was in...
224
00:11:46,529 --> 00:11:49,335
What, a one-night stand?
Isn't that what it was? I mean, come on,
225
00:11:49,418 --> 00:11:52,501
it's not like we were both at fish
in a Barrel for the halibut sliders.
226
00:11:52,585 --> 00:11:55,311
That's true. So
if it's OK with you, i'll see you later.
227
00:11:55,397 --> 00:11:57,450
And, nice to know you. Bye-bye.
228
00:11:57,751 --> 00:12:00,502
Hey, are you hungry? Do you want
something to eat before you go?
229
00:12:00,803 --> 00:12:01,983
What did you say?
230
00:12:03,569 --> 00:12:06,005
I don't know. Are you hungry?
You want a sandwich?
231
00:12:06,347 --> 00:12:07,816
Yes, I would like a sandwich.
232
00:12:08,657 --> 00:12:12,051
But then I she probably leave this place
immediately after the sandwich is done.
233
00:12:12,316 --> 00:12:13,981
All right.
Want a beer with that?
234
00:12:14,067 --> 00:12:16,299
Yeah, that'd be what
are you trying to do?
235
00:12:17,446 --> 00:12:19,643
Nothing. I'm hungry.
I thought I'd make some food.
236
00:12:19,735 --> 00:12:21,600
You know, watch Taxi Driver.
237
00:12:21,920 --> 00:12:24,709
All right, food,
beer, Scorse.
238
00:12:24,833 --> 00:12:27,938
And you're gonna be doing all that on
this ridiculously comfortable couch?
239
00:12:28,076 --> 00:12:29,039
That's the plan.
240
00:12:29,122 --> 00:12:31,758
Well, then you watch out,
'cause papa bear's moving in.
241
00:12:34,749 --> 00:12:37,372
So, ladies,
I have had a lot of fun tonight.
242
00:12:37,513 --> 00:12:40,931
But unfortunately staff sergeant
Brooks is shipping out tomorrow.
243
00:12:41,155 --> 00:12:43,454
And my turret only needs one gunner.
244
00:12:45,073 --> 00:12:47,901
So, Melinda,
what do you say we get out of here?
245
00:12:50,103 --> 00:12:52,534
I'm just gonna go to
the little girls' room.
246
00:12:52,731 --> 00:12:55,248
Now, I do share a bunk
bed with my nephew.
247
00:12:55,503 --> 00:12:58,283
So, we'll talk about
that when you get back.
248
00:13:02,685 --> 00:13:04,198
All my girlfriends hooked up.
249
00:13:04,630 --> 00:13:07,789
Even the kind of homely one they invited
to make the rest of us look good.
250
00:13:10,056 --> 00:13:11,706
I'm sorry you had a tough night, al.
251
00:13:13,186 --> 00:13:15,665
And you should see the guys
that my friends picked.
252
00:13:15,750 --> 00:13:19,062
They're these grown-up
man-children who drink and
253
00:13:19,515 --> 00:13:22,114
play video games
and are just looking to score.
254
00:13:23,154 --> 00:13:25,044
I'm sorry they got all the good ones.
255
00:13:26,591 --> 00:13:28,697
Maybe there aren't any good men left.
256
00:13:30,883 --> 00:13:32,797
Kiddo, you're gonna find somebody.
257
00:13:32,969 --> 00:13:34,858
All right?
You're smart.
258
00:13:35,464 --> 00:13:37,191
You're gorgeous.
You're sexy.
259
00:13:37,650 --> 00:13:40,009
And anybody in the world
would be lucky to have you.
260
00:13:40,387 --> 00:13:42,806
That is like the sweetest
thing I have ever heard.
261
00:13:42,894 --> 00:13:44,838
- There you go.
- Thank you.
262
00:13:46,877 --> 00:13:49,092
No. Hey, wait.
Hold on a second. Wait, wait.
263
00:13:50,864 --> 00:13:51,935
Who was that?
264
00:13:52,940 --> 00:13:55,541
Just my last chance of getting
laid before I go off to war.
265
00:13:57,625 --> 00:14:00,646
Gosh. Mitch, I'm,
I'm sorry.
266
00:14:00,729 --> 00:14:03,269
Is there anything I can do to fix it?
267
00:14:07,516 --> 00:14:08,925
Well, there is, but...
268
00:14:09,443 --> 00:14:11,526
I could never look
Gary in the eye again.
269
00:14:13,062 --> 00:14:13,893
Or could i?
270
00:14:27,709 --> 00:14:28,492
Candyman?
271
00:14:35,870 --> 00:14:36,916
Unbelievable.
272
00:14:37,482 --> 00:14:40,160
Apocalypse Now and Platoon
broken up by fast times.
273
00:14:40,254 --> 00:14:41,867
I mean, there's no weak link.
274
00:14:42,427 --> 00:14:45,400
So, should I get dinner started,
or do you want to have sex again?
275
00:14:45,798 --> 00:14:47,699
Well, how about we do both?
276
00:14:49,330 --> 00:14:52,736
You know, if you keep feeding me,
this robe's gonna turn into a bra.
277
00:14:53,665 --> 00:14:56,189
My parents are coming over for dinner.
I hope you don't mind.
278
00:14:57,752 --> 00:14:58,932
That's terrific.
279
00:14:59,146 --> 00:15:02,398
That's great news. Let me, let me go
to the restroom then and freshen up.
280
00:15:06,657 --> 00:15:08,285
- Hello?
- Allison,
281
00:15:08,643 --> 00:15:10,448
it's me, Gary.
I don't know what to do.
282
00:15:10,535 --> 00:15:12,476
Gary, what's the matter?
Where are you?
283
00:15:12,579 --> 00:15:15,204
Well, I met that girl
at the place we were at,
284
00:15:15,288 --> 00:15:17,675
that fish in a Barrel thing
we came to her house and we did it
285
00:15:17,759 --> 00:15:20,539
and then everything was all right, but
then I came back in for like a sandwich
286
00:15:20,622 --> 00:15:22,817
and that led to beer and movies
and then more food,
287
00:15:22,901 --> 00:15:25,483
and now I think her parents are
coming over for an early supper.
288
00:15:25,567 --> 00:15:27,800
What? Gary,
it's like 4:00 in the afternoon.
289
00:15:27,918 --> 00:15:29,827
I know.
I'm so scared.
290
00:15:31,459 --> 00:15:32,514
Listen to me.
291
00:15:32,597 --> 00:15:35,752
All right, I know every fiber
of your being is screaming
292
00:15:35,835 --> 00:15:39,133
you to stay on that coutch eat and
have sex for the next 50 years or so...
293
00:15:39,241 --> 00:15:40,720
The voices are so loud.
294
00:15:40,926 --> 00:15:41,897
Think, Gary.
295
00:15:42,069 --> 00:15:44,966
Think. Think. What was the last
one-night stand you had?
296
00:15:45,049 --> 00:15:46,369
Really think about that.
297
00:15:47,091 --> 00:15:48,692
Oh, my god, it was you.
298
00:15:50,001 --> 00:15:52,054
That's right.
Now fast-forward to the nagging
299
00:15:52,137 --> 00:15:55,475
and the criticizing and the,
you know, withholding of sex.
300
00:15:56,268 --> 00:15:57,328
My lawyer.
301
00:15:58,166 --> 00:15:59,865
That son of a bitch robbed me.
302
00:16:00,396 --> 00:16:01,913
Good, good, Gary.
Go with that.
303
00:16:02,047 --> 00:16:03,961
I gotta get out of here.
Thank you, Allison.
304
00:16:13,974 --> 00:16:14,930
It's Bagel?
305
00:16:15,532 --> 00:16:18,055
No, I can't.
OK. No, I shouldn't.
306
00:16:18,158 --> 00:16:19,769
Is that monterey Jack Cheese?
307
00:16:19,872 --> 00:16:22,254
I shouldn't.
I'll probably ruin my appetite.
308
00:16:22,337 --> 00:16:24,271
Why do I keep reaching for these. Sorry.
309
00:16:24,459 --> 00:16:26,776
- Knock-knock.
- Hi, honey.
310
00:16:26,977 --> 00:16:29,111
Mom, dad, this is Johnny. He's a
311
00:16:29,921 --> 00:16:31,533
painter-fireman...
Inventor.
312
00:16:32,607 --> 00:16:35,454
Yeah. Hello.
But I have to go. Excuse me.
313
00:16:35,659 --> 00:16:38,555
- You're leaving?
- Yes, I have to go to work.
314
00:16:38,665 --> 00:16:39,681
On a saturday?
315
00:16:39,791 --> 00:16:41,640
Yes, on a saturday I have to work.
316
00:16:41,729 --> 00:16:45,552
I have to paint for
a Jewish family who won't
317
00:16:46,901 --> 00:16:49,031
paint for themselves on Shabbat.
318
00:16:54,472 --> 00:16:56,237
Hello, couch.
I love you.
319
00:16:58,091 --> 00:16:59,523
I'll never leave you.
320
00:17:02,257 --> 00:17:03,502
How'd it go, stud?
321
00:17:04,079 --> 00:17:07,184
Good. I had a one-night stand.
I mean, well, I stayed
322
00:17:07,272 --> 00:17:09,613
at her house until 4:00 in the afternoon
and I met her parents,
323
00:17:09,696 --> 00:17:12,308
but, you know, hey, technically, I...
It was a one-night stand.
324
00:17:13,742 --> 00:17:15,170
How about you?
How'd it go?
325
00:17:15,253 --> 00:17:18,117
Well, things got interesting.
326
00:17:18,673 --> 00:17:21,381
It didn't work out with Melinda,
thanks to your ex-wife.
327
00:17:21,663 --> 00:17:23,451
So I drank about 10 gallons of alcohol
328
00:17:23,534 --> 00:17:25,789
and took home the very last woman
sitting at the bar.
329
00:17:26,486 --> 00:17:28,255
I'm not even sure if she was a woman.
330
00:17:29,424 --> 00:17:32,276
She might have been like a badger
or a possum of some kind.
331
00:17:33,312 --> 00:17:36,474
Tell you what, though, she was about
the best damn lover I've ever had.
332
00:17:39,524 --> 00:17:40,560
Couch.
333
00:17:41,187 --> 00:17:43,018
Let's see, where did we leave off?
334
00:17:43,530 --> 00:17:44,530
What?
335
00:17:45,275 --> 00:17:46,827
You have a cheeto for me?
336
00:17:48,817 --> 00:17:50,237
I love you.
337
00:17:54,828 --> 00:17:57,772
Louise forgot her dance bag again.
Yeah. How'd it go with the girl?
338
00:17:57,855 --> 00:17:59,838
You getting married again?
'cause, we could always
339
00:17:59,921 --> 00:18:02,314
grease you up and squeeze
you into your old tux.
340
00:18:04,254 --> 00:18:06,807
It went good. I mean, I had
a one-night stand, but
341
00:18:06,890 --> 00:18:09,816
I feel terrible. I had to run out of
there. It made me feel like real creep.
342
00:18:09,912 --> 00:18:12,771
I told you, you're not
a one-night stand kind of guy. And
343
00:18:13,009 --> 00:18:15,731
it's not just because
you're a creature of habit. It's also...
344
00:18:16,829 --> 00:18:19,769
All right, here I go. Listen good
'cause I'm only gonna say this once.
345
00:18:20,116 --> 00:18:21,296
You're a nice guy.
346
00:18:24,881 --> 00:18:26,437
That really had to hurt.
347
00:18:28,394 --> 00:18:29,478
It did, Gar.
348
00:18:30,291 --> 00:18:33,277
Tom was 10 pounds, came out sideways,
and that hurt a lot less.
349
00:18:42,452 --> 00:18:43,655
Hey, you're back.
350
00:18:44,062 --> 00:18:47,176
- Johnny, I don't understand...
- No. My name's not Johnny. It's Gary.
351
00:18:47,654 --> 00:18:49,502
- Oh, good.
- 'cause mine's Kristin.
352
00:18:52,160 --> 00:18:53,798
I'm not looking for a relationship.
353
00:18:54,035 --> 00:18:55,758
- Neither am i.
- That's great.
354
00:18:55,841 --> 00:18:58,549
But you should know the only reason
I stayed as long as I did is cause there
355
00:18:58,632 --> 00:19:01,491
a perfect combination of Scorsese,
alcohol, and food where
356
00:19:01,574 --> 00:19:04,132
my butt will be on your couch
for the next 50 years.
357
00:19:04,895 --> 00:19:07,471
- Yeah, I don't want that.
- I don't want that, either.
358
00:19:07,797 --> 00:19:10,784
So, let's just agree
that we had a one-night stand?
359
00:19:11,135 --> 00:19:12,369
- Sure.
- Cool.
360
00:19:12,452 --> 00:19:13,874
- Great.
- All right.
361
00:19:14,529 --> 00:19:15,662
I got you some wine.
362
00:19:15,759 --> 00:19:18,360
Just to say, you know,
sorry for leaving so quickly.
363
00:19:19,000 --> 00:19:21,263
This will go great with
the Manicotti I just made.
364
00:19:26,154 --> 00:19:27,927
- You're blocking the door.
- No, I'm not.
365
00:19:28,010 --> 00:19:29,620
- Yeah, you are.
- Sorry.
366
00:19:29,703 --> 00:19:32,507
Do...
garlic bread?
367
00:19:38,770 --> 00:19:41,477
- I'll see you in couple of months bro.
- All right, man. Be safe.
368
00:19:41,560 --> 00:19:42,560
All right.
369
00:19:43,070 --> 00:19:44,891
You take care
of that nickname, you hear?
370
00:19:44,975 --> 00:19:48,418
Not a problem thanks to the kid who fell
asleep on picnic table in the courtyard.
371
00:19:48,665 --> 00:19:51,746
I don't know what he was dreaming about,
but his new nickname is Sundial.
372
00:19:53,094 --> 00:19:54,094
Nice.
373
00:19:55,091 --> 00:19:57,845
- Well, have fun storming the castle.
- Thanks.
374
00:19:58,627 --> 00:20:00,095
Hey, Gary, close your eyes.
375
00:20:08,039 --> 00:20:09,580
Gary, you can open your eyes.
376
00:20:10,000 --> 00:20:12,913
I just needed a prettier image
in my head than the badger.
377
00:20:14,581 --> 00:20:15,737
Adios, amigos.
378
00:20:17,918 --> 00:20:19,242
God bless America.
379
00:20:21,517 --> 00:20:23,324
So did you talk to that woman?
380
00:20:23,407 --> 00:20:25,843
Yeah. You were right.
I'm more of a relationship guy.
381
00:20:25,934 --> 00:20:28,272
- One-night stands, that's Curtis thing.
- I'm in love.
382
00:20:28,355 --> 00:20:30,697
- Charleen and I are moving in together.
- What?
383
00:20:30,789 --> 00:20:32,497
What happened to
tasting all the flavors?
384
00:20:32,580 --> 00:20:34,917
I guess I found my flavor.
Turns out it's mint chocolate chip.
385
00:20:36,502 --> 00:20:37,718
She's black irish.
386
00:20:38,458 --> 00:20:39,818
You guys get out of here.
387
00:20:39,943 --> 00:20:42,291
Hey, do me a favor, send Mitch in.
I forgot something.
388
00:20:43,726 --> 00:20:44,822
What's up, bro?
389
00:20:51,543 --> 00:20:55,320
Team Subs-Addicts"
390
00:20:55,370 --> 00:20:59,920
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