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1
00:00:08,448 --> 00:00:10,103
[ Sighs ]
2
00:00:10,206 --> 00:00:13,793
Hey, Jake, how come we never
talk about girls?
3
00:00:13,896 --> 00:00:15,965
What do you mean
"girls"?
4
00:00:16,068 --> 00:00:17,517
You know, guy stuff.
5
00:00:17,620 --> 00:00:19,344
Like which girls
in the office we think
6
00:00:19,448 --> 00:00:21,103
are hot
and have crushes on.
7
00:00:21,206 --> 00:00:22,344
We're not
that type of guy.
8
00:00:22,448 --> 00:00:23,689
That's the worst
type of guy.
9
00:00:23,793 --> 00:00:25,793
Well, Jake,
it just so happens
10
00:00:25,896 --> 00:00:28,862
that I have
a huge office crush.
11
00:00:28,965 --> 00:00:30,482
It's a big boy.
12
00:00:30,586 --> 00:00:32,310
But if you don't care,
13
00:00:32,413 --> 00:00:34,586
I guess you don't get
to find out who it is.
14
00:00:34,689 --> 00:00:37,379
Let me guess,
it's her.
15
00:00:37,482 --> 00:00:39,793
[ Gasps ] How'd you know?
Did she ask about me?
16
00:00:39,896 --> 00:00:41,379
It's just
a proximity crush.
17
00:00:41,482 --> 00:00:43,241
The only reason you like her
is because she's the woman
18
00:00:43,344 --> 00:00:44,517
you see
the most every day.
19
00:00:44,620 --> 00:00:46,241
Jake, this isn't a joke.
20
00:00:46,344 --> 00:00:48,068
I might be
in love with her.
21
00:00:48,172 --> 00:00:49,689
Oh, yeah?
What specifically
22
00:00:49,793 --> 00:00:51,275
do you love
about her, Matt?
23
00:00:51,379 --> 00:00:55,275
I mean, just look at
how nice her face looks.
24
00:00:55,379 --> 00:01:00,000
And I like the way she places
her belongings into boxes.
25
00:01:00,103 --> 00:01:01,413
It's cute.
26
00:01:01,517 --> 00:01:03,482
You know it's her
last day, right?
27
00:01:03,586 --> 00:01:04,862
What?!
28
00:01:05,862 --> 00:01:07,482
Hey.
29
00:01:07,586 --> 00:01:08,689
Hey.
30
00:01:08,793 --> 00:01:11,758
Before you go, there's
something I need to say.
31
00:01:14,172 --> 00:01:15,103
Lauren...
32
00:01:15,206 --> 00:01:16,379
It's Laura.
33
00:01:16,482 --> 00:01:17,551
Uh, what?
34
00:01:17,655 --> 00:01:19,724
My name is Laura.
35
00:01:20,931 --> 00:01:22,758
Oh, yeah, no.
36
00:01:22,862 --> 00:01:24,034
[ Chuckles ] Yeah.
37
00:01:24,137 --> 00:01:33,586
♪♪
38
00:01:33,689 --> 00:01:42,689
♪♪
39
00:01:42,793 --> 00:01:45,344
Christian: We've been
negotiating for months.
40
00:01:45,448 --> 00:01:47,793
I thought we'd reached
an agreement.
41
00:01:47,896 --> 00:01:49,448
What's changed?
42
00:01:49,551 --> 00:01:53,068
A few weeks ago,
my 57th grandchild,
43
00:01:53,172 --> 00:01:54,379
Stephanie, was born.
44
00:01:54,482 --> 00:01:56,724
And last night,
I looked into her
45
00:01:56,827 --> 00:02:01,793
baby-blue eyes,
and it became clear to me.
46
00:02:01,896 --> 00:02:06,586
I couldn't sell BNN
to Hampton DeVille.
47
00:02:08,034 --> 00:02:09,275
[ Papers thud ]
48
00:02:09,379 --> 00:02:12,620
You are
a profit-driven Goliath.
49
00:02:12,724 --> 00:02:16,275
I can't allow
my 57 grandchildren
50
00:02:16,379 --> 00:02:19,137
to grow up in a world
where information
51
00:02:19,241 --> 00:02:25,068
is dominated by
corporations like yours.
52
00:02:25,172 --> 00:02:28,758
"The pen is mightier
than the sword."
53
00:02:28,862 --> 00:02:29,827
Do you know who said that?
54
00:02:29,931 --> 00:02:31,310
Edward Bulwer-Lytton.
55
00:02:31,413 --> 00:02:34,379
And you know
how he died, right?
56
00:02:34,482 --> 00:02:38,379
Somebody cut his head off
with a sword.
57
00:02:38,482 --> 00:02:40,241
I do not believe
that's true.
58
00:02:40,344 --> 00:02:42,344
See, now, that's
what's nice about owning
59
00:02:42,448 --> 00:02:44,103
your own news organization.
60
00:02:44,206 --> 00:02:47,137
You get to decide
what's true.
61
00:02:48,344 --> 00:02:51,137
Christian, please,
put that back.
62
00:02:51,241 --> 00:02:53,793
Do you know who holds
the advantage
63
00:02:53,896 --> 00:02:55,241
in a negotiation, Terry?
64
00:02:55,344 --> 00:02:58,344
It's the person
with the least to lose.
65
00:02:58,448 --> 00:03:02,758
Now, you have a loving family,
while I, on the other hand,
66
00:03:02,862 --> 00:03:07,000
have no family,
no wife to come home to,
67
00:03:07,103 --> 00:03:09,379
no kids' soccer games
to cheer for.
68
00:03:09,482 --> 00:03:11,137
Rah-rah!
Oh.
69
00:03:11,241 --> 00:03:15,551
I'm all alone, Terry,
and I have nothing to lose
70
00:03:15,655 --> 00:03:20,034
except this
business deal.
71
00:03:20,137 --> 00:03:21,896
[ Chuckles nervously ]
72
00:03:22,000 --> 00:03:25,068
♪♪
73
00:03:25,172 --> 00:03:26,724
Great news.
74
00:03:26,827 --> 00:03:30,620
I've just negotiated a deal
for Hampton DeVille to acq--
75
00:03:33,586 --> 00:03:34,793
John...
76
00:03:34,896 --> 00:03:38,206
do you have some pressing
business to discuss?
77
00:03:38,310 --> 00:03:40,344
Yes, I do.
78
00:03:41,482 --> 00:03:43,241
Firstly, I want
to let everyone know that
79
00:03:43,344 --> 00:03:45,172
I did not
burn my hand.
80
00:03:45,275 --> 00:03:47,344
Thanks for asking Carl,
Lucy, and Sander.
81
00:03:47,448 --> 00:03:50,586
The reason I am wearing
this glove is...
82
00:03:50,689 --> 00:03:54,206
over the three-day
weekend...
83
00:03:54,310 --> 00:03:55,241
I got married.
84
00:03:55,344 --> 00:03:57,034
[ Laughs ]
85
00:03:57,137 --> 00:03:58,137
Yeah!
86
00:03:58,241 --> 00:04:00,137
[ Cheering, applause, hooting ]
87
00:04:00,241 --> 00:04:02,379
Oh!
I-I found love!
88
00:04:02,482 --> 00:04:04,344
I am officially
off the market!
89
00:04:04,448 --> 00:04:06,206
[ Laughs ]What does she do?
90
00:04:06,310 --> 00:04:08,103
A park ranger,
and a damn good one.
91
00:04:08,206 --> 00:04:09,620
Attaboy!
92
00:04:09,724 --> 00:04:12,586
But this is brushed gold,
Kate, sir.
93
00:04:12,689 --> 00:04:15,068
Some poor woman looked
at John and said,
94
00:04:15,172 --> 00:04:16,482
"That's
my guy forever."
95
00:04:16,586 --> 00:04:17,862
[ Scoffs ]This proves that love
96
00:04:17,965 --> 00:04:19,793
is not special and literally
anyone can find someone.
97
00:04:19,896 --> 00:04:23,068
I found my park ranger, and then
I just let her slip away.
98
00:04:23,172 --> 00:04:24,482
You didn't even
know her name.
99
00:04:24,586 --> 00:04:26,620
You don't have to know
someone's name to be in love.
100
00:04:26,724 --> 00:04:28,448
You can call a rose whatever
the fuck you want.
101
00:04:28,551 --> 00:04:30,517
That's what I learned
from "Romeo and Julia."
102
00:04:30,620 --> 00:04:34,517
I've got one more
surprise for everyone.
103
00:04:34,620 --> 00:04:39,275
My wife baked a batch
of her famous
104
00:04:39,379 --> 00:04:43,620
ooey-gooey butterballs
for the office.
105
00:04:43,724 --> 00:04:44,931
[ All murmuring ]Take one and just
106
00:04:45,034 --> 00:04:46,413
kind of pass it around.
107
00:04:46,517 --> 00:04:48,068
You are gonna get messy because
these are no joke.
108
00:04:48,172 --> 00:04:49,793
Christian: John.
109
00:04:49,896 --> 00:04:51,620
Enough.
110
00:04:51,724 --> 00:04:54,103
Your wife's
ooey-gooey butterballs
111
00:04:54,206 --> 00:04:55,689
can wait until
after the meeting.
112
00:04:55,793 --> 00:04:58,206
I'm so sorry, Christian.
So sorry.
113
00:04:58,310 --> 00:05:00,068
But don't worry,
everyone,
114
00:05:00,172 --> 00:05:02,103
they're even gooey-er
when you wait.
115
00:05:02,206 --> 00:05:04,482
And back to Christian.
116
00:05:06,275 --> 00:05:10,275
Now, what I was about
to say was
117
00:05:10,379 --> 00:05:14,482
I bought BNN.
118
00:05:19,655 --> 00:05:23,482
It was a $10 billion deal.
119
00:05:23,586 --> 00:05:24,793
The media said it was
impossible.
120
00:05:24,896 --> 00:05:26,931
Congress said
it was "illegal."
121
00:05:27,034 --> 00:05:31,034
But through sheer force of will,
I made it happen.
122
00:05:39,068 --> 00:05:41,482
Okay, then.
123
00:05:44,655 --> 00:05:47,689
John, go ahead and, uh,
124
00:05:47,793 --> 00:05:49,862
pass out your wife's
little treats.
125
00:05:49,965 --> 00:05:51,206
Yes, sir. [ Laughs ]
126
00:05:51,310 --> 00:05:52,724
All right, everyone,
come and get it.
127
00:05:52,827 --> 00:05:54,965
Now, warning, these are
extremely gooey.
128
00:05:55,068 --> 00:05:57,758
One of these is vegan.
I couldn't tell you which one.
129
00:05:57,862 --> 00:06:00,103
John, this is crazy.
130
00:06:00,206 --> 00:06:01,241
I'm so happy for you.
131
00:06:01,344 --> 00:06:02,758
Hey, whoa! Kate...
132
00:06:02,862 --> 00:06:04,551
Married man, here.
[ Chuckles ]
133
00:06:04,655 --> 00:06:06,758
You can look,
but you can't touch.
134
00:06:06,862 --> 00:06:09,482
[ Laughter ]
135
00:06:09,586 --> 00:06:11,068
They're the rules now.
136
00:06:11,172 --> 00:06:14,103
The rules of marriage.
137
00:06:14,206 --> 00:06:15,241
[ Butterball squishes ]
138
00:06:15,344 --> 00:06:19,517
[ Classical music plays ]
139
00:06:19,620 --> 00:06:22,379
Life has just lost
a little bit of its luster
140
00:06:22,482 --> 00:06:24,172
ever since...
141
00:06:24,275 --> 00:06:27,034
Laura left me to be
with her kids.
142
00:06:27,137 --> 00:06:29,034
Matt, relax.
You're just gonna get a crush
143
00:06:29,137 --> 00:06:31,862
on whoever sits there next
and forget Laura ever existed.
144
00:06:31,965 --> 00:06:33,965
Her? No way.
145
00:06:34,068 --> 00:06:36,379
I'll bet you 100 bucks
I don't get a crush on her.
146
00:06:36,482 --> 00:06:37,724
Let's shake on it.
147
00:06:37,827 --> 00:06:40,241
No. Only shitty guys
make bets about women.
148
00:06:40,344 --> 00:06:41,689
Leave me alone.
149
00:06:41,793 --> 00:06:43,275
Okay.
150
00:06:43,379 --> 00:06:46,724
Guess I'll just go make up
an excuse to --
151
00:06:46,827 --> 00:06:47,551
Hey, stop it.
152
00:06:47,655 --> 00:06:48,724
-[ Grunts ]
-Get off.
153
00:06:48,827 --> 00:06:50,413
I'll sue you.
I'll eat your kids.
154
00:06:50,517 --> 00:06:51,793
Shake my hand.
155
00:06:51,896 --> 00:06:52,689
[ Grunting ]
156
00:06:52,793 --> 00:06:54,896
The bet is on!Hey, guys.
157
00:06:55,000 --> 00:06:56,862
I'm Jessica.
I just started working here.
158
00:06:56,965 --> 00:06:59,103
Hi, Jessica. I'm Jake.
This is Matt.
159
00:06:59,206 --> 00:07:00,413
Welcome to hell.
160
00:07:00,517 --> 00:07:03,034
Oh, I drink that
exact same cold brew.
161
00:07:03,137 --> 00:07:04,275
Don't you love it?
162
00:07:04,379 --> 00:07:06,000
I do.
163
00:07:07,551 --> 00:07:09,827
Cool. Me too.
164
00:07:09,931 --> 00:07:10,862
I'm addicted.
165
00:07:10,965 --> 00:07:12,448
Sounds like you two have
a lot in common.
166
00:07:12,551 --> 00:07:13,965
I mean, I-I w-- I wouldn't
say I'm addicted.
167
00:07:14,068 --> 00:07:16,413
Yeah, I-I have tons
of self-control, so...
168
00:07:16,517 --> 00:07:18,000
Anyway, I just
wanted to say hi.
169
00:07:18,103 --> 00:07:19,758
Thought it would be weird
if we were staring at each other
170
00:07:19,862 --> 00:07:21,758
all day and didn't even
know each other's names.
171
00:07:21,862 --> 00:07:25,241
Yeah.
That'd be fucked up.
172
00:07:25,344 --> 00:07:27,931
Okay.
See you around.
173
00:07:28,034 --> 00:07:31,344
What do you think you two are
gonna name your kids?
174
00:07:31,448 --> 00:07:32,896
Just curious.
175
00:07:34,896 --> 00:07:36,172
[ Laughter ]
176
00:07:36,275 --> 00:07:38,758
Gary: Don't even get me started
on my fucking wife.
177
00:07:38,862 --> 00:07:39,793
Here we go!
178
00:07:39,896 --> 00:07:41,517
So, the other day,
she comes back
179
00:07:41,620 --> 00:07:43,620
from the store,
and get this,
180
00:07:43,724 --> 00:07:46,241
she didn't get
the cage-free eggs.
181
00:07:46,344 --> 00:07:48,620
So here I am,
hand up my ass,
182
00:07:48,724 --> 00:07:50,655
forced to eat eggs
from a chicken
183
00:07:50,758 --> 00:07:52,551
who had to
suffer in cages.
184
00:07:52,655 --> 00:07:54,310
Ohh![ Laughter ]
185
00:07:54,413 --> 00:07:55,448
Are you fucking nuts?!
186
00:07:55,551 --> 00:07:57,275
She sounds fucking nuts!
187
00:07:57,379 --> 00:07:58,758
[ Laughter ]
188
00:07:58,862 --> 00:08:01,965
My fucking wife won't
go down on me anymore.
189
00:08:02,068 --> 00:08:03,206
-Oh!
-Oh!
190
00:08:03,310 --> 00:08:04,586
Uh-oh, no good.
191
00:08:04,689 --> 00:08:07,724
Yeah, I hate to interrupt,
but, John,
192
00:08:07,827 --> 00:08:10,000
you missed our conference call
on the BNN deal.
193
00:08:10,103 --> 00:08:11,896
Oh, sorry, Kate.
194
00:08:12,000 --> 00:08:14,034
The guys brought me these Cubans
imported from Canada,
195
00:08:14,137 --> 00:08:16,896
and I, uh, we started
busting each other's chops.
196
00:08:17,000 --> 00:08:19,931
I had to lie to the FCC
all by myself.
197
00:08:20,034 --> 00:08:24,000
Geez, Kate, you're starting
to sound like my fucking wife.
198
00:08:24,103 --> 00:08:26,206
Ohh![ Laughter ]
199
00:08:26,310 --> 00:08:28,896
John, let's do a working lunch,
and I'll catch you up.
200
00:08:29,000 --> 00:08:32,689
Oh, actually, I was gonna
eat with the guys.
201
00:08:32,793 --> 00:08:35,310
Our wives
all packed us lunch.
202
00:08:35,413 --> 00:08:37,482
[ Paper bags rustling ]
203
00:08:37,586 --> 00:08:40,068
Matt: So, Jake and I have
a little bet going about
204
00:08:40,172 --> 00:08:41,827
whether or not I'll get
a crush on this girl.
205
00:08:41,931 --> 00:08:44,379
-We didn't make a bet.
-Yes, we did.
206
00:08:44,482 --> 00:08:45,689
Who is she?
207
00:08:45,793 --> 00:08:47,482
She sits right outside
of our office.
208
00:08:47,586 --> 00:08:49,724
Oh, so it's
a proximity crush.
209
00:08:49,827 --> 00:08:53,689
I have one of those.
His name is Jerry Sluntz.
210
00:08:53,793 --> 00:08:56,000
He sits right outside
my office,
211
00:08:56,103 --> 00:08:57,724
and he's disgusting.
212
00:08:57,827 --> 00:09:00,758
At first,
he's hard to look at.
213
00:09:00,862 --> 00:09:04,689
But eventually,
you can't look away.
214
00:09:04,793 --> 00:09:07,034
Well, I don't have
a proximity crush because
215
00:09:07,137 --> 00:09:10,655
I already found the one,
and her name is...Laura.
216
00:09:10,758 --> 00:09:11,862
Matt, enough.
217
00:09:11,965 --> 00:09:13,965
There are 7 billion people
on Earth.
218
00:09:14,068 --> 00:09:15,793
Even if "the one" exists,
you'll never meet her.
219
00:09:15,896 --> 00:09:17,965
The best you can do
is arbitrarily choose
220
00:09:18,068 --> 00:09:19,689
a partner you share
a few interests with
221
00:09:19,793 --> 00:09:21,275
and hope their dormant
personality flaws
222
00:09:21,379 --> 00:09:22,310
can be medicated.
223
00:09:22,413 --> 00:09:23,655
That's the thing.
224
00:09:23,758 --> 00:09:25,413
Jessica and I barely
have anything in common.
225
00:09:25,517 --> 00:09:27,413
-Hi, guys.
-Hey, Jessica.
226
00:09:27,517 --> 00:09:30,517
Ooh. Looks like you two
are sub buddies.
227
00:09:30,620 --> 00:09:32,655
Wow, you like copying
everything I do, Matt.
228
00:09:32,758 --> 00:09:34,620
Actually,
I go by Jessica now.
229
00:09:34,724 --> 00:09:36,344
I stole
your whole identity.
230
00:09:36,448 --> 00:09:37,724
Oh, well,
I'm calling the police.
231
00:09:37,827 --> 00:09:39,862
Oh, yeah, well,
my father, Mr. Jessica,
232
00:09:39,965 --> 00:09:42,379
owns the police,
so good luck.
233
00:09:42,482 --> 00:09:45,655
How's the sub,
Jessica?
234
00:09:45,758 --> 00:09:48,275
It's incredible.
235
00:09:48,379 --> 00:09:50,034
I mean, it's fine.
236
00:09:50,137 --> 00:09:51,379
You know, whatever.
237
00:09:51,482 --> 00:09:53,586
Sounds amazing.
238
00:09:55,000 --> 00:09:59,827
You all have made BNN
the third-rated
239
00:09:59,931 --> 00:10:04,655
cable news network,
and that is a disgrace.
240
00:10:04,758 --> 00:10:09,517
So, here's how we're going to
take BNN to number one.
241
00:10:09,620 --> 00:10:13,620
Well, let me
take a guess.
242
00:10:13,724 --> 00:10:16,068
Make the news
a product like everything else
243
00:10:16,172 --> 00:10:17,482
Hampton DeVille sells.
244
00:10:17,586 --> 00:10:22,482
Well, the news is not
a tube of toothpaste!
245
00:10:22,586 --> 00:10:25,413
Journalism is built
on integrity!
246
00:10:25,517 --> 00:10:27,827
It's a public service,
for God's sake!
247
00:10:27,931 --> 00:10:31,965
And that is my name
on that Koppel Award!
248
00:10:32,068 --> 00:10:34,000
Cronker Wilson.
249
00:10:34,103 --> 00:10:37,413
And I will not stand here
and allow you people --
250
00:10:37,517 --> 00:10:39,689
Shut the fuck up,
Cronker!
251
00:10:39,793 --> 00:10:40,931
You're not
a journalist!
252
00:10:41,034 --> 00:10:42,482
You were on
"Dancing with the Stars,"
253
00:10:42,586 --> 00:10:43,827
for Christ's sake.
254
00:10:43,931 --> 00:10:45,137
And the only thing
that you've investigated
255
00:10:45,241 --> 00:10:47,931
in the last 10 years
is which one of the interns
256
00:10:48,034 --> 00:10:49,896
is gonna give you
a hand job.
257
00:10:50,000 --> 00:10:53,827
[ Indistinct whispering ]Sit...down.
258
00:10:55,620 --> 00:10:57,689
[ Sighs ]
259
00:10:57,793 --> 00:11:03,103
Actually, Cronker,
stand back up.
260
00:11:03,206 --> 00:11:05,413
[ Music builds ]
261
00:11:05,517 --> 00:11:10,620
Cronker, you are
a legendary figure
262
00:11:10,724 --> 00:11:12,206
in news journalism,
263
00:11:12,310 --> 00:11:16,965
and I would be honored
to keep you here at BNN.
264
00:11:17,068 --> 00:11:19,551
As a janitor.
265
00:11:19,655 --> 00:11:22,310
[ Trophy slams, music stops ]
266
00:11:22,413 --> 00:11:24,896
Now take out the trash.
267
00:11:26,517 --> 00:11:28,724
Karen is right.
268
00:11:28,827 --> 00:11:31,551
Journalism has been dead
for 20 years.
269
00:11:31,655 --> 00:11:34,103
The news is
a tube of toothpaste,
270
00:11:34,206 --> 00:11:37,793
and you are all
my toothpaste salesmen.
271
00:11:37,896 --> 00:11:39,275
So I don't care how you do it.
272
00:11:39,379 --> 00:11:41,068
You can add nicotine to
toothpaste for all I care.
273
00:11:41,172 --> 00:11:47,896
Just get out there and sell more
fucking toothpaste.
274
00:11:51,896 --> 00:11:54,103
It's refreshing to finally
have someone in charge
275
00:11:54,206 --> 00:11:57,000
who understands we're in
the 21st century.
276
00:11:57,103 --> 00:11:59,379
And it's nice to meet
a journalist who understands
277
00:11:59,482 --> 00:12:01,517
that news
is a business.
278
00:12:01,620 --> 00:12:03,758
Wow. Well, I give you
a compliment,
279
00:12:03,862 --> 00:12:07,241
and then you insult me
by calling me a journalist.
280
00:12:07,344 --> 00:12:09,862
You know, I don't believe
we've ever met in person,
281
00:12:09,965 --> 00:12:12,000
though, I do recall you
trying to crucify me
282
00:12:12,103 --> 00:12:13,724
live via satellite.[ Chuckles ]
283
00:12:13,827 --> 00:12:15,103
Well,
I would apologize,
284
00:12:15,206 --> 00:12:18,103
but that segment
got huge ratings.
285
00:12:18,206 --> 00:12:19,275
Do you forgive me?
286
00:12:19,379 --> 00:12:21,241
I do.
287
00:12:23,379 --> 00:12:24,724
Cool.
288
00:12:24,827 --> 00:12:27,241
Well, anyway, I just wanted
to introduce myself.
289
00:12:27,344 --> 00:12:29,068
I figured it'd be weird
if we were working together
290
00:12:29,172 --> 00:12:30,724
but we never
met face to face.
291
00:12:30,827 --> 00:12:33,448
Uh, yeah. [ Chuckles ]
That'd be, um, fucked up.
292
00:12:33,551 --> 00:12:34,551
[ Both chuckle ]
293
00:12:34,655 --> 00:12:36,206
Great.
294
00:12:36,310 --> 00:12:38,137
See you around.
295
00:12:41,482 --> 00:12:48,275
♪♪
296
00:12:48,379 --> 00:12:50,931
I just broke out like crazy,
'cause I'm allergic...
297
00:12:51,034 --> 00:12:53,172
Matt: You don't have
a crush on Jessica.
298
00:12:53,275 --> 00:12:54,689
You love Laura.
299
00:12:54,793 --> 00:12:56,413
Or wait, is it Lauren?
No. Shit.
300
00:12:56,517 --> 00:12:57,413
♪ Jessica
301
00:12:57,517 --> 00:12:58,379
♪ I love you
302
00:12:58,482 --> 00:12:59,310
♪ I love you
303
00:12:59,413 --> 00:13:01,413
♪ I love you
304
00:13:01,517 --> 00:13:02,379
♪ I love you
305
00:13:02,482 --> 00:13:03,413
♪ I love you
306
00:13:03,517 --> 00:13:04,793
♪ I love you
307
00:13:04,896 --> 00:13:06,724
♪ I...love you
308
00:13:06,827 --> 00:13:08,344
Karen James:
The only people who survived
309
00:13:08,448 --> 00:13:10,137
the plane crash were neo-Nazis.
310
00:13:10,241 --> 00:13:12,137
However,
the Mormon Tabernacle Choir
311
00:13:12,241 --> 00:13:13,379
was not so lucky.
312
00:13:13,482 --> 00:13:15,000
Kate: I don't mean
to be paranoid, but I think
313
00:13:15,103 --> 00:13:16,862
someone logged on
to my computer and changed
314
00:13:16,965 --> 00:13:19,379
the screen saver because
I have never been to Canada,
315
00:13:19,482 --> 00:13:22,551
and this was like a picture
of maple and mountains.
316
00:13:22,655 --> 00:13:23,793
Oh.
Quit daydreaming
317
00:13:23,896 --> 00:13:25,655
about your
fucking wife!
318
00:13:25,758 --> 00:13:27,551
[ Laughter ]
319
00:13:27,655 --> 00:13:29,206
Matt: Laura.
Lauren.
320
00:13:29,310 --> 00:13:30,689
Jessica, Jessica,
Jessica, Jessica
321
00:13:30,793 --> 00:13:33,068
♪ I love you Jessica.
322
00:13:33,172 --> 00:13:35,103
♪ I love you You don't love Jessica!
323
00:13:35,206 --> 00:13:36,206
Jake is wrong!
324
00:13:36,310 --> 00:13:37,827
[ Whispering ]
Soul mates are real.
325
00:13:37,931 --> 00:13:39,137
She's not the one for you...
326
00:13:39,241 --> 00:13:40,827
and you know that.
327
00:13:40,931 --> 00:13:42,827
Jessica, Jessica, Jessica,
Jessica, Jessica, Jennifer.
328
00:13:42,931 --> 00:13:45,103
No, not Jennifer. Jessica.
No, Laura.
329
00:13:45,206 --> 00:13:47,655
Listen, everyone just
shut up and let me think.
330
00:13:47,758 --> 00:13:50,379
Okay, Jake,
you win the big bet.
331
00:13:50,482 --> 00:13:52,965
I have a crush
on Jessica.
332
00:13:53,068 --> 00:13:55,931
I guess I never
really did love Laura.
333
00:13:57,103 --> 00:14:00,103
I don't know.
I think she was the one.
334
00:14:01,000 --> 00:14:02,275
I don't care if he's in jail,
335
00:14:02,379 --> 00:14:03,724
he's still Hampton DeVille's
top lawyer.
336
00:14:03,827 --> 00:14:05,068
John, you wanted to see me.
337
00:14:05,172 --> 00:14:07,241
Yes. Kate, I've spent
the whole morning
338
00:14:07,344 --> 00:14:10,551
putting together something
you're going to want to see.
339
00:14:10,655 --> 00:14:13,103
[ Sighs ]
340
00:14:13,206 --> 00:14:16,413
These are my wife's
seven brothers.
341
00:14:16,517 --> 00:14:19,137
Randall, Robert, Roger,
Ronald, Richard, Ryan, and Ray.
342
00:14:19,241 --> 00:14:22,758
Technically, they're a litter,
and they're all single,
343
00:14:22,862 --> 00:14:23,931
if you can believe it.
344
00:14:24,034 --> 00:14:26,310
Now, Randall is
a little off,
345
00:14:26,413 --> 00:14:28,896
but once you get to know him,
it's actually really funny.
346
00:14:29,000 --> 00:14:31,137
Like a deer that
thinks it's a cat.
347
00:14:31,241 --> 00:14:33,931
[ Sighs ] John,
why have you done this?
348
00:14:34,034 --> 00:14:37,413
Kate, my wife knows
all about our sexual history.
349
00:14:37,517 --> 00:14:42,172
I told her every lurid detail,
and she got mad.
350
00:14:42,275 --> 00:14:46,620
We had efficient sex
one time at a corporate retreat.
351
00:14:46,724 --> 00:14:49,517
It's no big deal.
Also, why is Gary here?
352
00:14:49,620 --> 00:14:51,689
I asked him
to be our chaperone.
353
00:14:51,793 --> 00:14:53,862
I could not tell
my fucking wife that I was
354
00:14:53,965 --> 00:14:56,034
at a meal alone
with another woman.
355
00:14:56,137 --> 00:14:58,068
-[ Scoffs ]
-This is not a meal.
356
00:14:58,172 --> 00:14:59,103
I'm eating.
357
00:14:59,206 --> 00:15:00,827
Look, I didn't want
to get into this
358
00:15:00,931 --> 00:15:03,862
in front of Gary, but...
359
00:15:03,965 --> 00:15:05,310
I'm a little worried
that you still have
360
00:15:05,413 --> 00:15:06,620
feelings for me.
361
00:15:06,724 --> 00:15:08,103
And I just think
it would put everyone's
362
00:15:08,206 --> 00:15:11,068
mind at ease if you were
in a committed relationship.
363
00:15:11,172 --> 00:15:13,896
Now, my suggestion is Ryan
'cause he's a great kisser.
364
00:15:14,000 --> 00:15:15,172
Gary prefers Robert.
365
00:15:15,275 --> 00:15:17,862
But whatever you do,
don't pick Randall.
366
00:15:17,965 --> 00:15:19,655
I just don't think
you're his type.
367
00:15:19,758 --> 00:15:22,724
John, how do
I put this harshly?
368
00:15:22,827 --> 00:15:26,551
The moment your penis
left my body,
369
00:15:26,655 --> 00:15:28,689
it was as if
it had never been there.
370
00:15:28,793 --> 00:15:31,310
[ Laughing ] Ouch!
371
00:15:31,413 --> 00:15:34,344
So why don't we
table this discussion forever
372
00:15:34,448 --> 00:15:35,862
and get back to work.
373
00:15:35,965 --> 00:15:37,724
[ Intercom beeps ]Woman: John, your fucking wife
374
00:15:37,827 --> 00:15:39,034
is on line 1.
375
00:15:39,137 --> 00:15:41,344
It's probably
an emergency.
376
00:15:41,448 --> 00:15:42,896
Hey, honey-boo-boo-bear.
377
00:15:43,000 --> 00:15:44,517
Oh, honey-bear?
378
00:15:44,620 --> 00:15:45,931
W-- Hello? Boo-boo?
379
00:15:46,034 --> 00:15:47,379
-[ Scoffs ]
-Oh, you got some bad reception
380
00:15:47,482 --> 00:15:48,620
there, honey-bear.
381
00:15:48,724 --> 00:15:49,931
[ Baby voice ]
Can you take your little
382
00:15:50,034 --> 00:15:52,034
koala feet and just scurry
up a little twee
383
00:15:52,137 --> 00:15:53,517
so you can talk
to me better?
384
00:15:53,620 --> 00:15:56,103
[ Classical music plays ]
385
00:15:56,206 --> 00:16:05,206
♪♪
386
00:16:05,310 --> 00:16:07,379
Hey, Jessica.
387
00:16:07,482 --> 00:16:09,862
I was wondering,
i-if you ever want to go out
388
00:16:09,965 --> 00:16:12,551
for coffee
sometime or...
389
00:16:12,655 --> 00:16:14,241
[ Dramatic chord strikes ]
390
00:16:14,758 --> 00:16:16,482
Hey, I thought you
drank cold brew.
391
00:16:16,586 --> 00:16:19,517
Oh, yeah, I stopped
drinking cold brew.
392
00:16:19,620 --> 00:16:20,862
Got tired of it.
393
00:16:20,965 --> 00:16:22,206
I'm the type of person
who could eat pizza
394
00:16:22,310 --> 00:16:24,206
every single day
and then wake up one morning
395
00:16:24,310 --> 00:16:26,344
and hate pizza.
But that's why I --
396
00:16:26,448 --> 00:16:28,206
I'm sorry, I have to
stop you right there.
397
00:16:28,310 --> 00:16:30,655
That's not the type
of person I am.
398
00:16:30,758 --> 00:16:33,206
I love...pizza.
399
00:16:33,310 --> 00:16:35,103
And I will
always love pizza.
400
00:16:35,206 --> 00:16:37,344
It was just an example.
I do love pizza.
401
00:16:37,448 --> 00:16:40,310
But...you were gonna
ask me something?
402
00:16:40,413 --> 00:16:42,275
[ Scoffs ]
403
00:16:42,379 --> 00:16:44,517
Not anymore.
404
00:16:46,758 --> 00:16:49,379
[ Triumphant music plays ]
405
00:16:49,482 --> 00:16:55,793
♪♪
406
00:16:55,896 --> 00:16:57,758
You lose, Jake.
407
00:16:57,862 --> 00:16:59,206
I don't love Jessica,
408
00:16:59,310 --> 00:17:03,103
which proves that
I do looooovvve...
409
00:17:04,034 --> 00:17:06,448
...Laura.
410
00:17:06,551 --> 00:17:09,137
Jake: Matt, I'm sorry
I made fun of your crush.
411
00:17:09,241 --> 00:17:11,965
The truth is, I have
a crush of my own.
412
00:17:12,068 --> 00:17:14,344
You do?
Who is it?
413
00:17:16,620 --> 00:17:17,551
Jessica?!
414
00:17:17,655 --> 00:17:18,896
She's the one
who's there.
415
00:17:19,000 --> 00:17:21,137
I also had
a crush on Laura.
416
00:17:21,241 --> 00:17:22,793
Wow.
417
00:17:22,896 --> 00:17:28,724
♪♪
418
00:17:28,827 --> 00:17:34,724
♪♪
419
00:17:34,827 --> 00:17:37,310
[ Dramatic chord strikes ]
420
00:17:39,586 --> 00:17:43,413
John, I owe you an apology.
421
00:17:43,517 --> 00:17:46,551
The other day,
we didn't adequately celebrate
422
00:17:46,655 --> 00:17:47,896
your newfound love.
423
00:17:48,000 --> 00:17:52,068
But I have a little
surprise for everyone.
424
00:17:53,586 --> 00:17:57,034
I'd like to make a toast.
425
00:17:57,137 --> 00:18:00,068
Now, uh...[chuckles]
occasions like this,
426
00:18:00,172 --> 00:18:03,724
they remind me of
a little joke I like to tell.
427
00:18:03,827 --> 00:18:05,482
Now stop me if
you've heard this one.
428
00:18:05,586 --> 00:18:06,793
[ Laughter ]
429
00:18:06,896 --> 00:18:09,241
There was once a man,
430
00:18:09,344 --> 00:18:14,275
and he met a woman,
and they fell in love.
431
00:18:14,379 --> 00:18:18,482
So, they got married,
and then they bought a house,
432
00:18:18,586 --> 00:18:21,103
and they had three children.
433
00:18:21,206 --> 00:18:25,000
And as marriages go, they had
their ups and their downs.
434
00:18:25,103 --> 00:18:27,413
Whenever the guys at work
would ask him why he
435
00:18:27,517 --> 00:18:30,379
and his wife fought so much,
he'd respond,
436
00:18:30,482 --> 00:18:32,655
"Well, I don't know.
437
00:18:32,758 --> 00:18:34,482
She never tells me."
438
00:18:34,586 --> 00:18:36,448
[ Laughter ]
439
00:18:36,551 --> 00:18:39,758
Turns out, uh, what they were
fighting about was the man's
440
00:18:39,862 --> 00:18:43,344
rampant infidelity.
441
00:18:45,034 --> 00:18:47,931
So, he abandoned that family,
442
00:18:48,034 --> 00:18:50,551
and then he got a new wife.
443
00:18:50,655 --> 00:18:51,965
And then,
they bought a house
444
00:18:52,068 --> 00:18:53,586
and had three children
of their own.
445
00:18:53,689 --> 00:18:57,551
And as marriages go, they had
their ups and their downs.
446
00:18:57,655 --> 00:19:01,379
Well, one day after
a particularly long day at work,
447
00:19:01,482 --> 00:19:03,379
his wife came to him
and she asked him, she said,
448
00:19:03,482 --> 00:19:07,206
"Honey, why is it that you
always have to work so late?"
449
00:19:07,310 --> 00:19:11,379
To which he replied,
"Because I'm busy..."
450
00:19:11,482 --> 00:19:13,172
[ Laughter ]
451
00:19:13,275 --> 00:19:17,137
"...having sex
with my secretary...
452
00:19:17,241 --> 00:19:19,517
and your brothers."
453
00:19:19,620 --> 00:19:21,344
[ Ominous chord strikes ]
454
00:19:21,448 --> 00:19:24,448
So, he abandoned that family,
455
00:19:24,551 --> 00:19:27,413
and then he got a civil union
with one of her brothers.
456
00:19:27,517 --> 00:19:31,206
And then they bought a house,
and then, uh, well,
457
00:19:31,310 --> 00:19:32,827
eventually he abandoned
that family,
458
00:19:32,931 --> 00:19:35,344
and then he got a new wife
and then they bought a house
459
00:19:35,448 --> 00:19:36,896
and had three children
of their own,
460
00:19:37,000 --> 00:19:38,344
and, uh, so one and so on.
461
00:19:38,448 --> 00:19:41,482
And for years, he continued
this vicious cycle
462
00:19:41,586 --> 00:19:44,586
of marriage, children,
infidelity,
463
00:19:44,689 --> 00:19:46,827
and real estate acquisition.
464
00:19:46,931 --> 00:19:53,482
Until finally, one day, he was
lying on his death bed, dying.
465
00:19:53,586 --> 00:19:55,931
And his wife turned to him
and she asked him, she said,
466
00:19:56,034 --> 00:20:00,620
"Honey, can you tell me,
what have you learned
467
00:20:00,724 --> 00:20:03,103
during your life here on Earth?"
468
00:20:03,206 --> 00:20:06,896
To which he replied...
469
00:20:07,000 --> 00:20:12,793
"I've learned that love
isn't real,
470
00:20:12,896 --> 00:20:15,482
but I love
471
00:20:15,586 --> 00:20:20,517
having sex with your
sisters and brothers."
472
00:20:20,620 --> 00:20:23,413
And then he died,
473
00:20:23,517 --> 00:20:29,689
and his body
evacuated its waste.
474
00:20:31,827 --> 00:20:35,965
[ Breathing shakily ]
475
00:20:41,965 --> 00:20:45,413
What, you've never
heard that one?
476
00:20:45,517 --> 00:20:48,172
[ Laughter ]
477
00:20:48,275 --> 00:20:52,551
[ Mendelssohn's
"Wedding March" plays ]
478
00:20:52,655 --> 00:20:56,586
Well, anyway, to John...
479
00:20:56,689 --> 00:20:59,551
And his fucking wife!
480
00:20:59,655 --> 00:21:02,965
[ Laughter ]
481
00:21:03,068 --> 00:21:05,000
Mmm.
482
00:21:11,448 --> 00:21:13,275
I'm a full man. I got a spouse
and an old ball and chain.
483
00:21:13,379 --> 00:21:14,758
We were actually
fighting last night --
484
00:21:14,862 --> 00:21:16,000
Who's the ball,
and who's the chain?
485
00:21:16,103 --> 00:21:17,448
And we're like,
"I think we're both both,
486
00:21:17,551 --> 00:21:19,068
and I think maybe
that's why it works so well."
487
00:21:19,172 --> 00:21:20,517
We're not thinking about kids,
but we're not not.
488
00:21:20,620 --> 00:21:22,137
We might start with
a salamander or something.
489
00:21:22,241 --> 00:21:24,137
She loves my birds already,
so it's like --
490
00:21:24,187 --> 00:21:28,737
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