Original subtitles

Uhn. Okay, okay, okay.

You got it, you got it, you--

[YELLS]

Hah. Good morning, floor.

[BEEPING]

Good morning, asshole smoke alarm!

And good morning, medical bills.

Oh, and your friend, crippling debt.

[SIGHS]

No, no, no!

Good morning, bittersweet memories.

Good morning, bag of the unspeakable.

And good morning to you, Archer.

The other shit bag in my life.

It's broken?

HANDYMAN: Huh? Huh? The elevator's broken?

Huh? The elevator.

The elevator! Out of order.

I can see that! Why the hell did you ask?

[GRUNTING]

You're late. GILLETTE: I--

Jesus, sweat much?

The elevator's broken. No shit.

And once again, you parked that ridiculous car in my space.

Well, A, the El Camino is not a car.

Truck, whatever! Nor is it a truck. It's a--

Vehicular hermaphrodite? Shut up.

And, B-- Wait, what was B?

I don't know, we'll say B was "shut up." And are we done here?

I need to go not pack some shoes, since I'm gonna buy about 10 pairs...

...when we get there. Get where?

Rome!

Not for the Morelli thing. I planned that entire operation.

Yes, and you did excellent legwork.

Yeah, but now it requires literal legwork, Ray, like walking and maybe running.

Hopefully not running, because I'll be in brand-new shoes.

That is so unfair.

Not as unfair as how laid I'm gonna get.

[SPEAKING IN ITALIAN]

Sorry, honey. Yeah, we'll bring you a present.

Oh, blow me. ARCHER: Why? You couldn't feel it.

[SIGHS THEN KRIEGER CLEARS THROAT]

What? Nothing, I'm just curious--

A bag. I piss and shit in a plastic bag.

Me too. But actually I was wondering if you'd like to walk again.

No, Krieger, because this way, I never have to buy new shoes.

Yeah, but is that worth it?

GILLETTE: Robot legs.

No, this has nothing to do with robotics. I'm talking about bionics.

From the Greek for, like, "kick-ass."

ls there a Greek word for "insane"? Yes.

I mean, I assume there is, but--

If you think I'm gonna let you turn me into some sort of cyborg zombie like Katya--

Whoa, whoa, whoa. No, zombie implies I raised her from the dead.

Oh, then I'm using it correctly. No, you're not.

For one thing, Katya wasn't completely dead.

Just pretty dead?

[SHUDDERING]

SO pretty- Hello?

Hmm? Oh, so nothing a few hundred thousand volts couldn't cure.

The human body's basically a potato clock.

It's gonna look like I'm leaving, but that's only because I'm leaving.

Why won't you let me help you? Besides the fact you'll probably kill me?

Yes. Because it's wrong!

I may have wandered pretty far from the Church...

...but I do still believe there are some things that only God should do.

Like give you an erection?

I'm assuming you mean give me the ability to have an erection?

Also yes. LANA: No.

Yes, Lana. We don't need a--

Rocket launcher, si, molto pronto. RODNEY: Hmm.

Not on the preapproved list of equipment for this mission.

The what? The"

I heard you. Why did you ask?

Preapproved by whom? Oh, now you're on my side.

Shut up. Common enemy.

That's how Lana and I started dating.

Shut up. Preapproved by whom?

Ms. Archer. What? She doesn't know what we need.

Last time she was in the field, they were using muskets.

Really? Seriously?

No? Look, dipshit.

My mother obviously doesn't know about this stuff, so--

So she goes by my personal professional recommendations.

I'm gonna need you to repeat that.

I said-- No, no, no. Shh.

After I come back there and pull your tongue out through your--

[DOOR BUZZES]

Asshole. CYRIL & ARCHER: Ew.

You'd need a bulldozer made of acid to get in here.

Oh, or Spacebot. If you continue to behave threateningly-

You haven't seen threateningly.

--You'll need one to get out of there.

Remember Spacebot? Guys?

KRIEGER: And so a small power unit goes here on your spiny thing...

...which sends electrical impulses to your muscles and ligaments and stuff...

...which I will fuse to a vanadium alloy endoskeleton...

...replacing your current, uh, leg bones.

I have to say, it kind of worries me you don't know the names of the actual bones.

Who cares? Pfft. They're in the Dumpster. Ew.

Wait, then all I need is the power unit...

...not a bunch of vanadium bones. Yeah, but they're awesome.

But if you don't put everything back where it's supposed to go--

I've already done it twice.

There you go, Conway.

Plus, when I'm taking out the old bones, I take tons of pictures with my phone.

Oh, well, then what could go wrong? Seriously?

Sarcastically. Oh, because you could die.

Whew. I realize that.

And I'll, you know, sign a release form or whatever.

Oh, that's not necessary. Really?

No, I mean, if, God forbid, the worst happens, there's lots of Dumpsters.

Jesus. Sure, if he helps.

[YAWNS]

Okay, so when do we do this?

You should already be feeling the effects of the anesthetic.

The--? Goddamn it, Krieger!

So whenever my assistants get here. What's up, spaghetti-legs?

Wait a minute. Yeah, where's Carol?

Getting that list of shit you Wanted.

[DOOR BUZZES]

Thank you. Seriously, what am I, hourly?

Are you not? I don't know!

Move.

Oh, and when I'm through talking to Malory...

...I wouldn't be surprised if you're out of a job.

I would. Burn.

LANA: Cyril. Is it Halloween already?

I don't know! Then why are you dressed like that?

Because, duh, I'm helping Krieger turn Ray into a stupid cyborg.

A What? But I guess some cyborgs are smart.

Wait, what are you talking about?

You gotta be pretty smart to fool the old Voight-Kampff machine.

In Krieger's lab? Anywhere, duh, it's portable.

No, no, no!

Uh-- Yes, it is.

Yo, Magnum, P.U.

I need a lead-acid battery, 50 units of plasma...

...some bolt cutters and something called a "defrimbulator."

That's a made-up word. They're all made-up.

[LAUGHS THEN GASPS]

Mind blown!

[YAWNS]

Yeah, what could go wrong?

Ray's gonna be a cyborg over my dead body!

Or preferably his, but somebody's!

What could possibly go...?

[YAWNS]

[SNORING]

Hey, should I wash my hands? Eh. I didn't.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

ARCHER: Krieger! Krieger!

Krieger, open this goddamn door!

Krieger, I'm gonna count to one!

Oh, that's right, he hates robots.

For the-- This is a robot.

Gillette is a human being.

But he won't be for long if you don't clamp that artery.

ARCHER: One!

[MAN SCREAMING]

Brett? What in the hell?

Were those gunshots?

Oh, who knows with these people? It's one calamity after another.

Yes, exactly, that's why you need a nice, long, relaxing cruise.

[MALORY SIGHS]

But I really, really, really don't think I'll enjoy it.

Sure you will.

Brett? Archer, what the shit are you doing?

Investigating a ballistic anomaly.

Wha--? Come on, walk and talk.

I don't think he's on this floor, but idiot Brett managed to get shot.

Yeah, he's the idiot. Right?

You idiot. If I hadn't checked the time at that exact second, I'd be dead right now-.

Which reminds me, Grover Cleveland called, he wants his watch back.

Archer. He left two non-consecutive messages.

This was my grandfather's, you ass. I'll buy you another one.

Now, how were you holding it, like, exactly?

I don't know, like this, I guess.

Okay, so... Boom.

Come on, this is awesome. It's like we're the Warren Commission.

Look, look, look, check it out.

It's a real magic bullet.

Why were you shooting at Krieger's door in the first place?

Oh, shit, right.

Brett, this might be some kind of record, so if you can move, don't!

I gotta go stop him. Stop who?

ARCHER: Whom! Archer!

ARCHER: Krieger! He's making a gay Terminator!

And, yep, officially confused.

Yeah, I mean, did he mean a terminator of gays?

Because Krieger's creepy and weird, but he's not homophobic...

...I don't think, so he must have meant--

Well, no, aren't Terminators asexual?

Not when I'm done with him-.

Come on, how's that even supposed to fit inside another human being?

[MACHINE WHIRRING AND BEEPING]

Oh, that shouldn't be doing that. There we go.

No, no, no, do it again, do it again, do it a--!

This man is barely clinging to life, Woman. Get ahold of yourself.

Sorry. And then get ahold of your goddamn beer can.

Sorry, jeez.

[LIQUID SLOSHING]

Mel"I.

Ugh. Blood pressure?

Ah. I'll be honest, it's not great. I'm talking about his.

[BURPS]

PAM: Me too. MALORY: Since when?

Since the new intelligence, Mother, from Ray about the mission.

That says you need a rocket launcher?

Yes. Uh-- Can I...

No. ...just sort of interject here?

This is exactly what I'm talking about, with the stress.

Ron. Seriously, Ron, why aren't you at work?

Because I spent 30 years building the business so I don't have to be.

Because I hired good managers.

Walk into any one of my six dealerships--

Not six. Oh, yeah?

Next year it'll be seven, sport. We just broke ground in White Plains.

That's actually fairly impressive. You have no idea. With that city council?

Ron, this isn't a car dealership, it's-- The same principle.

You build it, you hire people you trust to manage it.

Hah! Yeah. Hah.

And then you collect the fruits of their labor.

Because don't-- Please, don't take this the wrong way, babe...

...but you're not getting any younger.

You said a rocket launcher?

I did. I did say a rocket launcher.

Then give this to who's its. I will. I will give this to who's its.

And call me if you ever wanna test-drive the new Coupe de Ville.

Well, actually I just got a new El Camino, so-- Oh, so you're all set.

That'll hold way more Hispanics and lawnmowers.

[LAUGHING]

Wow. I know.

That's why I can never stay mad at him.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Right? Wait, why were you mad?

Because I think Krieger's doing some kind of bionic shit to Ray's legs.

And Archer obviously-- Would rather see Ray dead.

Jeezy P, I mean, besides Barry and Katya, what is his deal with robots?

[MOANING]

Servant, call an ambulance. Yes, sir, right away, sir.

An ambulance'? He needs emergency surgery.

And even then it'll be a miracle if we can save those testicles.

But what could have caused this?

Mumps? Or who knows.

The important thing is what are you doing tonight?

L-- Oh.

Well, I said I might meet some people at this thing downtown...

...but it sounded like it'll be pretty heavy on Negroes and jazz, so--

I happen to love Negroes and jazz.

Oh, well, then I'll just get my coat.

And I'll wait here for the ambulance to take your grievously wounded child...

...to the hospital for emergency surgery.

Yes, Woodhouse, and then you can go buy some wax for your cross.

LANA: Krieger? KRIEGER: Oh, my God.

I'm a little busy right now!

Yeah, I know. Are you cyborging Ray?

No. Look, I think it's great if you are.

Then, yes.

But I think Archer's gonna try to stop you. He's kind of freaking out.

Let him. That door came off the Graf Spee.

To get in here he'd need-- RODNEY: One RPG-7 launcher...

...and two grenades as per the note from your mother.

Thank you-- Sorry, what was your name again?

Rodney. Thank you, asshole.

LANA: What in the--? Why aren't you people on the Way to the airport?

We may have sort of a situation. And what sort would that be?

This is what I'm talking about. Ron.

If you keep it up, this headache you gave me...

...is going to last for the next three to five nights.

Look, don't worry, I can handle it. But--

Let her handle it. She seems capable. Hey, thanks.

Reminds me of the head mechanic at my dealership in Yonkers.

He's a black.

Wow. I know, and head mechanic.

Come on, babe, let these people do whatever it is you pay them to do...

...and let's go start our weekend. All right, but don't miss that flight!

God knows how long it takes to check in with a rocket launcher.

Oh, shit.

Well, calling the airport's not gonna help.

[LINE RINGING]

[PHONE RINGING]

Oh, and one last thing, Rodney, when I get back from Rome, you're--

Hang on one second. Armory.

Hey, will you bring me a present? Mm, no.

Mm-hm, mm-hm. Okay. Ahem. You were saying?

L-- Shit, something about an ass-kicking with handmade Italian shoes.

Well, think about it. You've got time.

What are you doing? What are you doing?

Obtaining armory materiel under false pretenses is a fireable offense.

Oh, my-- I basically just lurch from one fireable offense to the next.

Ugh. Like the infamous luau incident?

Jesus Christ, how many times do I have to apologize for that?

Once would be nice! Mm, no.

Rodney, open this door. Give me that weapon.

Oh. You mean this rocket launcher? Because I bet it would open the door.

That is inadvisable at this time. You know, if I asked it nicely.

I seriously wouldn't do that. Yeah, because you're not awesome.

[RUMBLING]

Oh, and what fresh hell is this?

Whatever it is, they can handle it. They can't even handle a simple luau.

My God, what they did to that pig.

MAN: Help! Brett?

[GRUNTING] Yeah.

Great, now I get to slog my new Delmans through a lake of blood.

I want that all cleaned up before Monday, mister!

Do you hear me'? RODNEY: NO!

Because that room is blast-proof! Mawp.

[RINGING]

MaWP-

[MUFFLED] Mawp.

[INAUDIBLE]

What the shit was that? Ugh.

Hopefully the last remaining shred of Archer's eardrums.

That crazy son of a-- Come on!

Why is your instinctive response to run toward explosions?

Uh-- Because I'm not a giant pussy?

Although somehow incredibly single. Wha--? I go on tons of dates!

With who'? Men. Men models.

Men who model.

--Permanent damage to my earballs...

...because you're too chickenshit to take your candy-ass to the future...

...and smash the defense grid so Skynet--!

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Not cool, man. That is not at all cool.

Rodney, you mind your own dicky beeswax.

You got another one in you? RODNEY: Ew.

I don't. Tease.

And I'm sorry for that one. Don't be.

Because I'm just gonna say it...

...I think it's super creepy you get sexually aroused by physical violence.

[MOANS]

Well, but also emotional violence.

Wow. Yeah.

That's even creepier.

So are you gonna open the damn door? As soon as you give me that weapon.

Do you honestly wanna live through the rise of the machines?

Which you won't, because no one will?

It was rhetorical.

[ZIPPER OPENS]

So now if you'll excuse me...

...I have an entire human race to save.

What is he-J? Hey, that's ISIS property!

ARCHER: What, this? Yes.

Take me with you! ARCHER: Shut up!

Oh, yeah, even that little bit's enough to get the engine revved up.

So, Rodney--

Tease!

[DOOR BUZZES]

Jeezy Petes.

Cyril, what are you doing right now?

I-- Helping me find Archer. Where is he?

[SIGHS]

Super Are you calling the airport again?

Cyril, shut your goddamn mouth!

[GASPS THEN SHUDDERS]

[LINE RINGING]

Hey, guess what's not a good time.

Wait, where? Gotta be somewhere in there.

Not you. And did you count right?

What, to five, dick-nuts? LANA: Krieger!

You gotta keep him away from the lab.

We're almost done, if somebody can find their last beer.

[BURPS]

I can promise it ain't my last. I mean, I doubt he can find it.

Goddamn it, I told them. I said...

Maps all through the HVAC ducts.

Or just at the, Whatever, junctions.

I won't even waste however much dry-erase it'll take to write that down.

No, Mother, because you were too busy wasting it on Fourth of Ju-Luau.

KRIEGER: But still, see if you can flush him out.

I'd hate to use the nerve gas.

Do not use the nerve gas! And yet incredibly single.

How the hell do we flush him out?

Uh, duh. Huh?

I said, how hot can you make it?

[THUMPING]

ARCHER: No, no, no.

It's already happening.

Holy shit, already?

Yeah, I actually feel pretty good. How is that possible?

It's a proprietary blend.

And barring some sort of massive infection--

Don't look at me. Found number six.

You should be up and around by Monday.

Well, then can I go home? Because it is hot as balls up in here.

The thermostat's becoming sentient.

Oh, God, that's how Maximum Overdrive started.

[AIR HISSING]

MALORY: Well, I'd be lying if I said I cared.

Malory, Ray can walk again. Buh-duh-buh-ba!

You mean mince? You know--

Maybe he can mince down to the bank and apply for a $12,000 loan for a new furnace.

Why did you idiots leave it on 90 all weekend?

[THUD THEN ALL GASP]

[IN ROBOT VOICE] Your clothes. Give them to me.

Aah! ARCHER: Ha-ha.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] I'm kidding, obviously. I wouldn't be caught dead in a sweater vest.

Now if you'll excuse me--

Just like Fourth of Ju-Luau. Yeah, if you slid a pig under him.

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