All language subtitles for American Housewife - 03x13 - Mo' Money Mo' Problems (1)

Look who's clearing the
table without being asked.

Just trying to keep my mind
off my break-up with Gina.

Wow. Depressed Oliver

has just edged out
8-year-old NyQuiled Oliver

as my new favorite Oliver.

I know breakups are tough, but
you shouldn't stay home all day.

You should go out and have some fun.

You know what we're gonna do?

We're gonna push your
curfew back an extra hour.

- I could use an extra hour, too.
- No.

Why does Oliver get an
extra hour and I don't?

Oliver's trustworthy, and you're not.

- What does that mean?
- Oliver good, Taylor bad.

I don't know how to make it more clear.

- Hey!
- Honey, we love you,

but you have other qualities
that make you special.

You've seen "The Sixth
Sense" three times,

and you're always
surprised by the ending.

You know why Mom and
Dad trust you so much?

Because you're always studying.

You're just a goodie-goodie good grades.

"Oh, my gosh, I got an
A-minus, wah, Cooper!"

Okay, first off, I wouldn't call
Cooper until I was done crying.

And I'm not a goodie-goodie.
I can be dangerous.

Hey, Taylor. Want to
play ponies with me?

- Can't. Busy.
- Taylor's blowing me off!

Taylor, play with your sister.

All she wants to do is run
the boring Kentucky Derby

with her plastic ponies.

Off the turn, it's Duffy McSprinkles

with Twinkle Toes right behind.

It's a two-horse race.
Duffy, then Twinkle.

Now, it's Twinkle, then Duffy!

Twinkle Toes has this all
locked up, but wait!

Sergeant Hooves has come out of nowhere

and is speeding toward the finish line!

It's gonna be a photo finish!

And! It's Sergeant Hooves by a nose!

A 20-to-1 underdog has just
won the Kentucky Derby!

How is that boring?

Hey, I'm thinking about
buying some new sheets

with a three-digit thread count.

Which ones do you like better?

I don't think we have the money
to buy anything new right now.

We don't, but I do.

I got a performance bonus at work.

I'm a little confused.

The money you make is your money,

but the money I make is our money.

You're not confused,
Greg. You nailed it.

The deal was you work
while I run the house.

Because those two jobs are equal,

any money you make is our money.

Following you so far,

but I feel you're about
to make a weird turn.

But now, I run the house and
have a job on top of that.

That is extra work, so any
money that I make is my money.

Makes sense? Sure does.

Yes, but while you're working,

I'm the one who picks up the slack.

I make dinners, drive
the kids to school,

put Anna-Kat to bed,
and I still have a job.

Seems to me like we're still equal,

and if that's true,

any money you make should
also be our money.

Time out.

Greg, this is something
important in our marriage.

Before we make any decisions,

there needs to be a longer,
in-depth conversation.

I agree, so I...

Oh, no, not with you.

I need to go talk to
my friends about this.

- Synced & corrected by MementMori -
... www.addic7ed.com ...

So the bonus is my money.

Uhhhhhh...

This is the part where you say I'm right

and maybe compliment my hair.

Yeah, I'm sorry, Katie,

but having separate
finances is a bad idea.

Can you at least do the hair part?

I wanted my money to be my money, too,

but it helped drive a
wedge into my marriage.

And now my ex-wife gets all of
her money and half of mine.

I could've had a beach house.

The trick to having a beach house

is not letting anyone know you have one

so that no one asks you to stay there.

Doris, do you have a beach house?

No, I don't have a beach house.

Point is, Katie, whatever
money you and Greg make

should be shared.

I guess I could pay off some bills.

No! Bills are boring.

Spend it on something
fun, like a ski house.

I don't have a ski house.

- Oh. She got a ski house.
- Shut up.

Here are your pizzas.

Enjoy.

Oh, uh, when we arrived,

I gave the busboy a wedge of
parmesan I imported from Rome

to keep refrigerated. Could
you get that for me?

I could go get it,

but then I will put it
someplace you don't want it.

Oh, my.

Hey, Cooper.

- Hey, Oliver.
- Brie, Victoria.

Cómo estás, ladies?

Muy bien, ¿y tú?

Say what now?

You guys going to the
party at The Hill later?

Wasn't planning on it.

That's a shame because we're going,

and we were hoping we'd see you there.

Well, in that case, we're there.

Awesome. See you tonight.

iHasta luego!

What in the hell is she saying?

Hey, good for you, Oliver.

- Way to get back out there.
- Thanks.

It's been a while since
my break-up with Gina,

and I think it's time for
me to man up and move on.

You're absolutely right.

Girls are like butlers.

You may think you can't
live without Chester,

but then Chester II comes
along and he's just as good.

Your pep talks are never relatable.

Phyllis, Phyllis,
Phyllis, please wake up.

Don't be dead like the others.

Please wake up.

Ugh, I'm alright. I'm alright, Obediah.

Come on. Let's go.

What is on your phone anyway
that is better than ponies?

I'm playing this game called Third Day.

You run around with
strangers on the Internet,

trying to stab goblins in the face.

Can I play, too?

I guess you can collect
weapons and potions for me.

I'll download it for you.

See?

This way you can ignore me and
play with me at the same time.

- Huh?
- It's working already!

Well, hey, sweetie.

How was your breakfast?

Terrible.

Doris and Angela agreed with you.

Wow!

I honestly thought this
day would never come!

The bonus is definitely our money,

but since it's ours, I thought
we could discuss how to use it.

Okay.

What do you want to do?

- Put it in an emergency fund?
- No!

Let's splurge! Blow it on ourselves!

Live life for a change!

- Go crazy!
- Yes!

We can fix all the dents on the minivan.

Maybe do something about that stain

on the seat that never dries.

We're not spending the money

- on anything practical.
- Okay...

We could go to that overpriced
Westport Hotel and Spa.

That's an amazing idea.

We're not spending money
to sleep in a hotel

in the town we live in! That's insane!

- You just suggested it!
- I thought you'd say no,

and I'd be the cool and
impulsive one for once.

No, Greg, it's perfect.

Fine, but can you go
hard against this plan

just so I can be the cool one again?

Greg, we need to be responsible
and save our money and stuff.

Sorry, Katie.

But tonight, we're
splurging on ourselves

and that's final!

- We could put a little in a...
- If you say "Roth IRA,"

I'm going to do a murder-suicide,

but lose my courage on the suicide part.

Okay. Thanks.

Alright, we're booked for one
night in the Governor's Suite.

The room has free high-speed Wi-Fi.

I'm gonna download so many
books onto my Kindle.

Why are you packing an empty bag?

For the loot. I'm taking shampoo,

toilet paper, a towel, maybe
a pair of wine glasses.

We should bring packing peanuts.

Taylor, stop!

Anna-Kat, calm down!

Rock, paper, scissors for
who has to deal with this.

Ah-ha! You have to parent!

Why do I always throw
back-to-back scissors?

I have no sister!

Someone want to tell me
why you two are fighting?

Taylor left me to be eaten alive
by monsters in a dirty swamp.

Inside a game. On my phone.

I was surrounded by goblins,

and instead of helping, she ran.

And after I was killed,

she came back and stole all my
weapons and healing potions.

Dad, tell her this isn't a big deal.

Anna-Kat, it's a very big deal,

and you have every reason to be mad.

- Ha!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Why?!

Sisters should take care of each other.

Your siblings are the longest
relationship you'll ever have,

and you need to have their backs always.

Whether it's in a video
game or real life.

You got that?

Mom! Dad's trying to force
a teachable moment again!

Don't bother your mother. She's packing.

We're leaving you in charge

because we're spending
the night at a hotel.

- Ooh.
- No, there will be no...

Well, there might be. It's
none of your concern.

You can't leave me with her!

She'd sell me for a
Forever 21 gift card.

No, because Taylor's gonna
take this opportunity

to prove she is an amazing big sister.

Just to be safe. Oliver!

Yeah, what's going on?

We're leaving for the night.

Taylor's in charge, but
you're in charge of Taylor.

- Why?!
- Because he's safe and sensible.

Hmm. Win for me.

I'll take "screw-up" over
"safe and sensible" any day.

Hey, I'm not sensible.

Last week, I went out for barbecue,

didn't even bring a stain stick.

Don't fight it, Oliver.

You come from a long line of Otto men

who lived boring lives,

but they died in their
sleep in their 90s.

Isn't that great?

Ha! Your life is gonna suck.

Alright. It's time.

Tell the chauffeur to pick us up

and take us to the party on The Hill.

Damn! Bentley's sick. He can't drive us.

Why is life so hard?

Or we could drive ourselves.

What are you talking about?

We can take my dad's car.

Are you insane?

Everyone thinks I'm a goodie-goodie,

but I'm not.

I'm the type of dude who's not afraid

to take a dip in the pool
straight after a meal.

I ain't waiting that hour.

What if Mom and Dad catch us?

No, they're spending the night at the...

wait, did you just
call them Mom and Dad?

Okay, so maybe they won't catch us,

but we're 15.

We don't know how to drive.

My mom drives while drinking coffee

and yelling at us for being
ungrateful monsters.

I think I can manage.

- This isn't you.
- No, this is the new me.

Listen, if we want to be
successful businessmen

when we grow up, we're gonna
have to take some risks.

Every CEO of every Fortune 500 company

took their dad's car out
when they were teenagers.

- Is that true?
- Don't look it up, but yeah.

This room is amazing, Greg!

Wow!

The floor's not sticky!

And look, the TV remote
is not on a leash,

bolted to the table.

This is the first hotel
room we've been in

where I haven't gotten the sense
that something bad went down.

Greg! A bowl of real lemons

out of season.

- Come on, Greg.
- Yeah, yeah.

Now who's "safe and sensible"?

Dude, this is weird.

Why aren't you in the front with me?

Because I've never sat in the front,

and I'm never gonna sit in the front.

The Hill, chop chop.

Oh, man.

This feels good.

So good.

I'm in Heaven.

Greg, what are you doing?

Are you holding your breath?

Sorry.

My body is not accustomed to relaxation.

You need to let yourself go.

You deserve to enjoy yourself.

Okay. I'll try.

Oh, yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

Just getting regular,
legitimate massages in here!

We made it.

Well done, man. You were
a natural out there.

I mean, you're scared of making lefts,

but three right turns gets
you there all the same.

Ooh, there's Brie and Victoria
totally checking us out.

- I got a cooler!
- What'd you bring, guys?

Hey, let's not be too eager.
Just give them a "sup" nod.

How's my hair?

Fresh.

- New conditioner?
- You know it.

Hey, ladies.

Did you guys drive here yourselves?

Oh, yeah.

You have a license?

No, ma'am.

I'm not afraid of getting
into a little trouble.

And apparently you're not afraid
of leaving the car in neutral.

No, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Come back!

Who needs an emergency fund?

Mom and Dad are gonna kill us.

They're not your mom and dad,
and they're not gonna kill you.

They're gonna kill me.

Oh, yeah.

- Should we go mingle?
- No!

You took your parents'
car without permission,

and then crashed it?

My sister did that,

and then she got sent away.

This is so bad. This is so bad.

There's got to be a way to fix this.

Wait a minute. You.

You can fix this.

- How?
- With that credit card

your parents bought that
private island with.

Oh, yeah!

To be fair, we bought
that island with points,

but you're right.

Let's throw money at this problemo.

I'll just buy an identical
car and swap it out

before your parents get
home in the morning.

If we set the radio stations to NPR

and throw some compression
socks in the glove box,

that might actually work.

Mmm, hotel macadamia nuts.

I did it. Gonna need a
whole new bucket list.

$12?!

Greg, what did we say?

No more incredulously shouting

the price of things from the minibar.

If you want something, just have it.

Screw it.

What's that thing that
Taylor always says?

- "Yol-Toe"?
- Uh-huh.

It's definitely Yol-Toe.

Yol-Toe!

Greg, what is on your neck?

What?

Oh, no. It's hives.

It's a reaction to the macadamia nuts.

This is what happens when
you spend recklessly.

Oh, I'm so itchy.

We have to go home and get my
prescription antihistamine.

Greg, you're fine.

It's not like your throat is closing up.

Oh, my God! That can happen?!

How do I keep it open? I
have to keep using my voice.

Ahh, ahh! Ahh!

Ahh!

Mom and Dad called.

Dad had an allergy attack,
so they're coming home.

It's time to go to bed.

Mom tells me a story first.

Um, okay.

Ed Norton and Brad Pitt start
a fight club for some reason,

and, in the end, they're the same dude.

Good night.

You know why I got so mad at you

when you betrayed me in that video game?

Because you spent years watching
"Real Housewives" with Mom

and have been programmed to believe

that's how a woman reacts to
the smallest of problems?

No.

Because Dad's right about you.

You don't have anyone's
back but your own.

You really think that about me?

Ugh, that must be Mom and Dad.

Oh, my God!

What happened to Dad's car?

And why is Oliver driving?

What did you guys do?!

I took Dad's car out, and I crashed it.

What?! This isn't you!

I know I screwed up, but don't worry.

Cooper's gonna buy a new car and
have it here in the morning

before Mom and Dad get back.

Dad had an allergy attack.

Mom and Dad are on their
way home right now!

What? No.

Oh, my God. I'm so busted.

Not necessarily. I have an idea.

Is everyone's passport current?

What the hell?

It's the bumper and the trunk.

- This is gonna cost a fortune to fix.
- Ugh.

I don't know whether my
throat is closing up

because I'm having an allergy attack

or because I'm having a panic attack

over how much money we spent on

M&Ms in a glass jar.

Oh, you guys are home.

Hey, Dad. How are... Oh, my God.

What happened to the car?

That branch must have fallen
when that big wind kicked up.

Makes perfect sense to me.

I knew this was gonna happen.

I should've had that tree
trimmed a while ago.

You're just lucky no one got hurt, Dad.

Now that this mystery is all wrapped up,

let's go inside. I'll put on some cocoa.

But the thing is...

how did a pine branch
fall from a maple tree?

- Grafting?
- Yup.

You guys have two seconds
to tell us the truth.

- One...
- Well...

- Two...
- Okay.

I was the one who took out the car.

- That's a big surprise!
- You crashed the car,

and then you tried to get your
brother to cover for you.

That's a new low, Taylor.

What were you thinking?

You know what? It doesn't even matter.

I'm gonna deal with you in the morning.

I have to go inside and draw
your dad a Cream of Wheat bath.

Why not an oatmeal bath?

I'm not wasting the good
hot cereal on you, bro!

Everyone, in the house!

I don't know how this is gonna end up,

but I wanted to say...

I've had a great life with you.

You're not dying, you're
just a little bumpy.

I'm sorry I made us spend
all the bonus money.

We should have put it
in an emergency fund

like you said, so we
could pay for the car.

I don't agree.

- You don't?
- No.

If this near-death experience
has taught me anything,

it's that, while you have
to plan for the future,

you also have to live for today.

Yol-Toe, right?

Yeah. "Yol-Toe."

I had a great time tonight,

up until the anaphylactic
reaction and the wrecked car.

Me too.

Plus I think that we
got our money's worth.

Why'd you take a furry pillow?

- New dog bed.
- Oh.

Why'd you do that for me?

We're supposed to have
each other's backs.

Since when?

Usually we just point and laugh

at the person who gets in trouble.

Since now.

Like it or not, the longest
relationship we're gonna have

is with each other.

I honestly don't know what to say.

If there's anything I can
do for you, just ask.

Switch rooms with me. Your
closet is bigger than mine.

No.

But don't let that ruin the moment.

This was good stuff.

Taylor, front and center.

Your mother and I slept on it,

and as punishment for wrecking my car,

you're gonna get a job to pay
us back for the repairs.

When am I supposed to work?!

I have rehearsal for the new
school musical like every night.

Well, you're going to have
to quit the musical, then.

We gave you an opportunity
to be responsible,

- and you blew it.
- Mm-hmm.

Every weekend, you're here in your room.

But...

Okay.

It was me.

I was the one who crashed the car.

What?

And me!

Don't hate me, Mom and Dad.

Taylor was just covering for me.

Is that true?

You did that for him?

Yeah, of course. He's my brother.

I'm proud of you.

Are you crazy?! What were you thinking?!

You're not even allowed to drive!

Cooper and I snuck out to
meet some girls at a party.

We forgot to put the car in park,

it rolled down a hill,

and it crashed into a tree.

I don't even know what to say.

- That's never happened before.
- I'm sorry.

It's just you guys always call
me the sensible kid and...

So you're mad because
we think highly of you?

I wanted to do something reckless,

and it turned out a little
more reckless than I wanted.

He was actually a very safe driver.

Ten and two the whole
way. Wasn't too chatty.

Would've been nice if there was
a chilled evian in the back.

Let's go from the top. You
and Cooper sneak out...

Grounded for a month!

... drive my car...

- No phones for six months!
- ... without a license...

Most kids take their driver's
test at 16. Not you.

You're gonna be the
weird spandex bike guy

until you're 21.

And I'm buying you the shorts.

And you're wearing the shorts!

I think the biggest issue here
is the damage to the car,

- and for that, I'd like to pay...
- No.

To pay us back for the
repairs, you're getting a job.

A minimum-wage job.

I want you to pay us back nice and slow.

We also lied to your face.
No punishment for that?

What are you doing, man?

And that's the last of my bonus.

Hey, new guy. Treat these people well.

Give 'em a salad on the house.

A side salad. Small. To split.

Thank you, waiter.

Would you like croutons on that?

W-W-Who gave you the authority

to toss in croutons?

Busboy.

Why are you working here again?

It's my punishment.

But we're not your parents.

Guys.

Anna-Kat, there's an orc on your six.

I'm more worried about that
creepy sorcerer following us.

Oh, God. You're right.

He's just standing there watching us.

Who is that?

'Tis I. Gregor Otto, the
Elvish necromancer.

Have you been following
us inside the game?

Just wanted to make sure you
two were working together.

I'll go in with my melee weapon

- while you cast "Enduring Pain."
- On it.

I've never been more proud
to be disemboweled.