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1
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Stan, a new gym opened up on Oak Road.
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00:00:06,606 --> 00:00:08,673
They're offering a free one-week trial!
3
00:00:08,675 --> 00:00:11,209
They have a pool, all-new equipment,
4
00:00:11,211 --> 00:00:15,347
and a "designated area for old
men to blow-dry their balls."
5
00:00:15,349 --> 00:00:17,349
You had me at old men's balls.
6
00:00:17,351 --> 00:00:18,950
That was the last thing I said.
7
00:00:18,952 --> 00:00:20,284
And the best!
8
00:00:20,286 --> 00:00:23,355
I can't wait to commit to
a new healthy lifestyle.
9
00:00:23,675 --> 00:00:26,157
What? You never commit to anything.
10
00:00:26,159 --> 00:00:27,425
You're a dabbler, Mom.
11
00:00:27,427 --> 00:00:28,827
Yeah, I'm a dabbler.
12
00:00:28,829 --> 00:00:31,295
And now I'm thinking about
dabbling in committing.
13
00:00:31,297 --> 00:00:33,431
You know, when a gym's
trying to get you to sign up,
14
00:00:33,433 --> 00:00:35,099
they'll do anything to keep you happy.
15
00:00:35,101 --> 00:00:38,236
But once you join, you're just
some guy paying 60 bucks a month
16
00:00:38,238 --> 00:00:41,305
to have a place to stop and take
dumps on the way home from work.
17
00:00:41,307 --> 00:00:43,775
So that's why you never go at home.
18
00:00:43,777 --> 00:00:46,310
I was beginning to think
you were a "Westworld."
19
00:00:46,312 --> 00:00:49,314
[Laughing]
20
00:00:50,384 --> 00:00:54,386
[Fly buzzes]
21
00:00:54,388 --> 00:00:57,189
22
00:00:57,191 --> 00:00:59,991
Good morning, U.S.A.
23
00:00:59,993 --> 00:01:03,728
I got a feelin'
that it's gonna be a wonderful day
24
00:01:03,730 --> 00:01:06,530
The sun in the sky has
a smile on his face
25
00:01:06,532 --> 00:01:10,402
And he's shinin'
a salute to the American race
26
00:01:12,873 --> 00:01:16,140
Oh, boy, it's swell to say
27
00:01:16,142 --> 00:01:18,877
-
Good... -
Good morning, U.S.A.
28
00:01:18,879 --> 00:01:19,778
Aah!
29
00:01:21,215 --> 00:01:24,583
Good morning, U.S.A.
30
00:01:28,222 --> 00:01:29,821
I love gym towels.
31
00:01:29,823 --> 00:01:32,824
Each one is the perfect
size to dry one limb.
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00:01:32,826 --> 00:01:35,827
I'm gonna make a ton of towel swans.
33
00:01:37,697 --> 00:01:39,697
Sir! You have to pay
for those Muscle Milks!
34
00:01:39,699 --> 00:01:42,000
Doin' the free trial, my man!
35
00:01:49,910 --> 00:01:51,042
Hey...
36
00:01:51,044 --> 00:01:53,011
That's enough of that!
37
00:01:58,318 --> 00:02:01,019
Where do they go?
38
00:02:03,389 --> 00:02:06,324
Narrator:
Before the invention of the high-five,
39
00:02:06,326 --> 00:02:07,859
man searched in vain
40
00:02:07,861 --> 00:02:10,795
for a satisfying way
to celebrate victory.
41
00:02:10,797 --> 00:02:13,665
Everything changed in 1977,
42
00:02:13,667 --> 00:02:16,801
with the first-ever recorded high-five.
43
00:02:16,803 --> 00:02:18,002
Oh, the high-five.
44
00:02:18,004 --> 00:02:20,738
Not to toot my own horn but...
I invented that.
45
00:02:20,740 --> 00:02:23,341
...invented by Glenn
Burke and Dusty Baker.
46
00:02:23,343 --> 00:02:24,676
What?!
47
00:02:24,678 --> 00:02:26,344
Glenn and I were at Dodger Stadium
48
00:02:26,346 --> 00:02:28,746
and we stumbled upon
this perfect hand thing
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that changed the world.
50
00:02:30,350 --> 00:02:32,350
Lies! I invented the high-five
51
00:02:32,352 --> 00:02:35,954
after passing my drug test
at the 1974 Junior Olympics!
52
00:02:35,956 --> 00:02:38,690
Not according to this IFC documentary.
53
00:02:38,692 --> 00:02:41,093
IFC?! IFC are liars!
54
00:02:41,095 --> 00:02:43,495
Don't call yourself the
Independent Film Channel
55
00:02:43,497 --> 00:02:45,697
and then air "A Very Brady Sequel"!
56
00:02:45,699 --> 00:02:48,432
Hang on, Klaus.
What are you angry about?
57
00:02:48,434 --> 00:02:50,434
IFC or the high-five thing?
58
00:02:50,436 --> 00:02:52,304
Ohhh, the high-five!
59
00:02:52,306 --> 00:02:53,705
I invented that!
60
00:02:53,707 --> 00:02:55,640
Not according to IFC.
61
00:02:55,642 --> 00:02:58,643
Ohhh, don't get me started on IFC!
62
00:03:00,858 --> 00:03:01,980
So, what are you gonna do today?
63
00:03:01,982 --> 00:03:03,715
Probably cool down at the pool,
64
00:03:03,717 --> 00:03:06,050
release some towel swans,
wonder where they go.
65
00:03:06,052 --> 00:03:08,987
If you want results,
you got to stick to your routine.
66
00:03:08,989 --> 00:03:10,121
[Beeps]
67
00:03:10,123 --> 00:03:11,122
Whoops!
68
00:03:11,124 --> 00:03:12,524
Your free trial is over.
69
00:03:12,526 --> 00:03:15,927
Let's just sign you up for paid
membership, get you in there.
70
00:03:15,929 --> 00:03:17,329
Oh, yeah, yeah, of course.
71
00:03:17,331 --> 00:03:19,998
Let me just get my credit
card out of my pocket...
72
00:03:28,984 --> 00:03:30,942
You were right to add HBO Latino, Jeff.
73
00:03:30,944 --> 00:03:34,012
"Schindler's List"
is much less sad when it's in Spanish.
74
00:03:34,014 --> 00:03:36,348
Se?or Schindler: Uno mas!
Uno mas muchacho!
75
00:03:36,350 --> 00:03:37,882
[Door slams]
76
00:03:37,884 --> 00:03:39,617
Just because I don't
want to go to the gym
77
00:03:39,619 --> 00:03:41,085
doesn't mean you can't.
78
00:03:41,087 --> 00:03:43,688
But I was really liking going together.
79
00:03:43,690 --> 00:03:47,025
Guess I can't go at all. Uch, so unfair!
80
00:03:47,027 --> 00:03:49,627
Wait a second,
are you using me as an excuse
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00:03:49,629 --> 00:03:50,829
to stop going to the gym?
82
00:03:50,831 --> 00:03:53,031
- That's ridiculous.
- Is it, Mom?
83
00:03:53,033 --> 00:03:56,834
It kind of sounds like
ceramics class all over again.
84
00:03:56,836 --> 00:03:58,502
I only quit that class because
85
00:03:58,504 --> 00:04:01,706
your dad couldn't get hard if
my hands smelled like clay!
86
00:04:01,708 --> 00:04:04,308
- O... kay.
- How about when you were gonna learn Spanish,
87
00:04:04,310 --> 00:04:06,644
but then you quit because
your kids only speak English
88
00:04:06,646 --> 00:04:08,646
and you wanted to be
able to understand them?
89
00:04:08,648 --> 00:04:11,716
I wanted to communicate with my kids.
90
00:04:11,718 --> 00:04:13,651
Take me away, officer!
91
00:04:13,653 --> 00:04:15,253
Yeah, I was pretty bummed
92
00:04:15,255 --> 00:04:18,190
when you quit writing your
one-woman show, Mrs. S.
93
00:04:18,192 --> 00:04:21,193
I told you,
I haven't lived the ending yet.
94
00:04:21,195 --> 00:04:23,127
That just seems like another excuse.
95
00:04:23,129 --> 00:04:25,197
You know, Mom,
it sounds like Dad has a good point.
96
00:04:25,199 --> 00:04:26,664
It is a good point.
97
00:04:26,666 --> 00:04:29,267
[Gasps] Steve said it, too!
Hear that, hon?
98
00:04:29,269 --> 00:04:31,603
I made a good point about
you being a quitter!
99
00:04:31,605 --> 00:04:34,206
Me! Stan Smith! Good point guy!
100
00:04:34,208 --> 00:04:37,675
Come on, kids!
I say "good," you say "point"! Good!
101
00:04:37,677 --> 00:04:39,143
- Point! - Good!
- Point!
102
00:04:39,145 --> 00:04:39,944
- Good!
- Point!
103
00:04:39,946 --> 00:04:41,079
- Point!
- What?
104
00:04:41,081 --> 00:04:42,214
- Good! - Point!
- Oh! Point!
105
00:04:42,216 --> 00:04:43,715
Good point.
106
00:04:44,418 --> 00:04:46,017
[Crowd cheering]
107
00:04:46,019 --> 00:04:47,485
Announcer: Fans, please welcome
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00:04:47,487 --> 00:04:49,687
the beloved inventor of the high-five,
109
00:04:49,689 --> 00:04:53,357
toothpick enthusiast Dusty Baker!
110
00:04:53,359 --> 00:04:54,559
Wow!
111
00:04:54,561 --> 00:04:56,494
I am so blessed to see
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00:04:56,496 --> 00:05:00,232
how the world's embraced
my little iconic gesture...
113
00:05:00,234 --> 00:05:02,567
Klaus: Liar!
114
00:05:02,569 --> 00:05:03,501
Liar!
115
00:05:03,503 --> 00:05:05,703
I invented the high-five!
116
00:05:05,705 --> 00:05:09,040
Whoops, sounds like someone
had a little too much to drink.
117
00:05:09,042 --> 00:05:13,044
Please! How can anyone get
drunk paying $14 a beer?
118
00:05:13,046 --> 00:05:16,180
It's half my disability
check just to catch a buzz!
119
00:05:16,182 --> 00:05:18,716
I'm sorry,
are you mad about the price of beer
120
00:05:18,718 --> 00:05:20,452
or the origin of the high-five?
121
00:05:20,454 --> 00:05:22,921
Ohhh, the high-five!
122
00:05:22,923 --> 00:05:24,388
I invented that!
123
00:05:24,390 --> 00:05:27,125
[Crowd booing]
124
00:05:27,127 --> 00:05:28,660
It's okay, folks!
125
00:05:28,662 --> 00:05:31,796
The high-five is such a
natural expression of joy
126
00:05:31,798 --> 00:05:34,933
that people want to claim
ownership, but truly...
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00:05:34,935 --> 00:05:37,401
it belongs to all of us.
128
00:05:37,403 --> 00:05:40,839
[Cheers and applause]
129
00:05:42,876 --> 00:05:45,277
Listen, you seem like a good guy.
130
00:05:45,279 --> 00:05:48,412
Why don't I have you over
for a drink, sort this all out?
131
00:05:48,414 --> 00:05:51,749
Buddy, I don't drink, I get wasted!
132
00:05:51,751 --> 00:05:53,151
Yeah-ha!
133
00:05:53,153 --> 00:05:57,222
I'ma piss on your futon! Sigma Chi!
134
00:05:58,825 --> 00:06:00,424
Stan: Jacket material?
135
00:06:00,426 --> 00:06:02,226
Satin's always in style.
136
00:06:02,228 --> 00:06:03,295
Lining?
137
00:06:03,297 --> 00:06:05,097
Satin's always popular.
138
00:06:05,099 --> 00:06:06,298
Font?
139
00:06:06,300 --> 00:06:09,701
Obviously "Laverne & Shirley"
shadow bold.
140
00:06:09,702 --> 00:06:11,702
_
141
00:06:11,705 --> 00:06:13,772
And order.
142
00:06:13,774 --> 00:06:15,173
Three weeks?!
143
00:06:15,175 --> 00:06:17,441
Well, I'll just stay busy.
144
00:06:17,443 --> 00:06:24,649
145
00:06:24,651 --> 00:06:31,789
146
00:06:31,791 --> 00:06:34,192
- Dad?
- Can't you see I'm busy?!
147
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- _
- Every time!
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00:06:35,862 --> 00:06:39,831
[Whistling]
149
00:06:43,003 --> 00:06:46,304
I don't see any need to bring
insurance companies into this.
150
00:06:48,608 --> 00:06:50,342
Francine! What's wrong with you?
151
00:06:50,344 --> 00:06:53,077
Did my good point crush your spirit?
152
00:06:53,079 --> 00:06:55,079
You're making me feel
terrible about my new jacket.
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00:06:55,081 --> 00:06:57,415
Check it out, oh, yeah!
154
00:06:57,417 --> 00:06:59,417
"Good point gay"?
155
00:06:59,419 --> 00:07:01,019
What?!
156
00:07:01,021 --> 00:07:03,221
Are you kidding me?! Really?!
157
00:07:03,223 --> 00:07:04,622
What time is it?
158
00:07:04,624 --> 00:07:05,824
I got to get back to the gym.
159
00:07:05,826 --> 00:07:07,025
But you quit the gym.
160
00:07:07,027 --> 00:07:08,560
I wrote a whole jacket about it.
161
00:07:08,562 --> 00:07:11,363
Ooaaaah!
162
00:07:11,365 --> 00:07:16,034
[Strauss's
"Also Sprach Zarathustra" plays]
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00:07:16,036 --> 00:07:18,903
B-b-b-oner from body!
164
00:07:18,905 --> 00:07:20,905
Body give boner!
165
00:07:20,907 --> 00:07:23,708
Beautiful body give baby boner!
166
00:07:23,710 --> 00:07:25,043
Oh, mommy!
167
00:07:27,363 --> 00:07:28,847
Ooaaaah!
168
00:07:28,849 --> 00:07:30,915
- Stan...
- Ooaaaah!
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00:07:30,917 --> 00:07:32,316
Okay. Explain.
170
00:07:32,318 --> 00:07:35,920
Well, as much as it hurt,
you did have a good point.
171
00:07:35,922 --> 00:07:39,191
I tend to quit things,
and I want to change that.
172
00:07:39,193 --> 00:07:41,659
So I decided to stick with the gym.
173
00:07:41,661 --> 00:07:46,130
And my trainer, Jackie,
has been helping me push past my limits.
174
00:07:46,132 --> 00:07:47,599
Are you even listening to me?
175
00:07:47,601 --> 00:07:49,000
Yeah, yeah, you said,
176
00:07:49,002 --> 00:07:51,936
"Lackie, bleen be mush
mast your glinglets."
177
00:07:51,938 --> 00:07:53,738
Now let's screw!
178
00:07:53,740 --> 00:07:55,874
That was so powerful, Francine.
179
00:07:55,876 --> 00:07:57,275
So special.
180
00:07:57,277 --> 00:07:59,677
I trust it put an end
to those nasty rumors
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00:07:59,679 --> 00:08:01,746
my jacket's been spreading.
182
00:08:01,748 --> 00:08:02,947
What are you doing?
183
00:08:02,949 --> 00:08:04,682
I'm heading back to the gym.
184
00:08:04,684 --> 00:08:07,085
No, but stay here, though.
185
00:08:07,087 --> 00:08:10,021
Stan, I have to go. It's a leg day.
186
00:08:10,023 --> 00:08:13,291
I called the gym and
they said it's a bed day.
187
00:08:13,293 --> 00:08:15,293
Honey.
188
00:08:15,295 --> 00:08:16,761
Human blanket!
189
00:08:16,763 --> 00:08:18,963
Don't go. You can bwame bwanket.
190
00:08:18,965 --> 00:08:21,099
Stan, I promised myself.
191
00:08:22,460 --> 00:08:24,569
I can't miss my workouts.
192
00:08:24,571 --> 00:08:26,370
[Grunts]
193
00:08:26,372 --> 00:08:28,506
That was a hot slam, Francine!
194
00:08:28,508 --> 00:08:29,707
Hey, Steve, what's up?
195
00:08:29,709 --> 00:08:31,309
Your mom just gave me a hot slam.
196
00:08:31,311 --> 00:08:32,510
Did you feel the house move?
197
00:08:32,512 --> 00:08:35,814
I'm just trying to walk down the hall.
198
00:08:38,296 --> 00:08:40,051
Everything's gold.
199
00:08:40,053 --> 00:08:43,021
That classy sonuvabitch.
200
00:08:48,328 --> 00:08:49,461
[Clap]
201
00:08:54,534 --> 00:08:56,868
[Harp music playing]
202
00:08:56,870 --> 00:08:59,203
Klaus! The fish from the game!
203
00:08:59,205 --> 00:09:02,774
Thank you so much for coming to my home.
204
00:09:04,077 --> 00:09:05,143
Now, listen here, Dusty...
205
00:09:05,145 --> 00:09:06,611
Toothpick for your lamb?
206
00:09:06,613 --> 00:09:09,614
Everything tastes better
with just a hint of tree.
207
00:09:09,616 --> 00:09:10,815
Who cares?!
208
00:09:10,817 --> 00:09:12,284
I want to talk about the high-five.
209
00:09:12,286 --> 00:09:14,953
I invented it. Not you. Are we clear?
210
00:09:14,955 --> 00:09:17,956
I guess we'll just have
to agree to disagree.
211
00:09:17,958 --> 00:09:20,692
[Laughs] It's like Tina
Turner said to me...
212
00:09:20,694 --> 00:09:22,026
Stop!
213
00:09:22,028 --> 00:09:24,028
You know Tina Turner?
214
00:09:24,030 --> 00:09:26,430
She's a dear, dear friend.
215
00:09:26,432 --> 00:09:29,768
Tell me right now... did you smush her?
216
00:09:29,770 --> 00:09:32,370
Klaus, a gentleman never tells.
217
00:09:32,372 --> 00:09:37,041
But I will say,
if I "high-fived" her in an elevator,
218
00:09:37,043 --> 00:09:39,511
it was
Simply the best
219
00:09:43,850 --> 00:09:45,650
Who is this?
220
00:09:45,652 --> 00:09:47,385
What is that?
221
00:09:47,387 --> 00:09:48,987
[Whoosh!]
222
00:09:48,989 --> 00:09:51,455
Where was that there?! Francine!
223
00:09:52,258 --> 00:09:54,458
Roger, who the hell parked
their van in the driveway?
224
00:09:54,460 --> 00:09:56,928
Oh, that's Jackie.
Francine's gym friend.
225
00:09:56,930 --> 00:09:59,664
Oh, there's another
muscle lady in the house?
226
00:09:59,666 --> 00:10:00,999
Yes, there is.
227
00:10:01,001 --> 00:10:02,466
And she's a man!
228
00:10:02,468 --> 00:10:03,335
Well, sort of.
229
00:10:03,337 --> 00:10:05,337
In pursuit of the perfect bikini front,
230
00:10:05,339 --> 00:10:08,740
I trained my penis to
permanently recede into my body.
231
00:10:08,742 --> 00:10:10,675
- How far?
- Out the back.
232
00:10:10,677 --> 00:10:13,345
It looks like he has a tail.
Show him, Jackie.
233
00:10:13,347 --> 00:10:15,213
Francine!
234
00:10:18,018 --> 00:10:19,551
Francine, we need to talk.
235
00:10:20,286 --> 00:10:22,220
Sure, but could you hop on my back?
236
00:10:22,222 --> 00:10:24,823
I need more resistance.
237
00:10:24,825 --> 00:10:27,091
Okay, Francine, I get it, good job.
238
00:10:27,093 --> 00:10:29,027
I don't think you're a quitter anymore.
239
00:10:29,029 --> 00:10:32,430
Now that you've proven me wrong,
can you... quit?
240
00:10:32,432 --> 00:10:35,700
I'm not trying to prove anything to you.
241
00:10:35,702 --> 00:10:36,768
This is for me.
242
00:10:36,770 --> 00:10:38,302
But it's affecting everyone.
243
00:10:38,304 --> 00:10:41,173
The house is a mess,
every meal is some gross shake,
244
00:10:41,175 --> 00:10:43,241
and the last three family movie nights
245
00:10:43,243 --> 00:10:45,443
have been P90X workout videos.
246
00:10:45,445 --> 00:10:47,379
I'm so distracted
I didn't even ask Roger
247
00:10:47,381 --> 00:10:49,247
why he's dressed like a park ranger.
248
00:10:49,249 --> 00:10:50,982
And you just know it's something cool!
249
00:10:50,984 --> 00:10:52,517
Well, I'm not quitting.
250
00:10:52,519 --> 00:10:53,651
Jackie and I just entered
251
00:10:53,653 --> 00:10:56,120
the Langley Falls
Bodybuilding Competition.
252
00:10:56,122 --> 00:10:58,322
So what, you're just gonna
keep doing this forever?
253
00:10:58,324 --> 00:10:59,457
Yes!
254
00:10:59,459 --> 00:11:02,527
Yes! Of course
I can get Francine to quit.
255
00:11:02,529 --> 00:11:04,729
Let's not forget she's
a quitter at heart.
256
00:11:04,731 --> 00:11:07,399
She didn't even get around
to stuffing her Build-A-Bear.
257
00:11:07,401 --> 00:11:09,267
And remember her one-woman show?
258
00:11:09,268 --> 00:11:12,668
_
259
00:11:12,672 --> 00:11:15,073
I just want things the way they were.
260
00:11:15,075 --> 00:11:17,209
All she needs is a little setback.
261
00:11:17,211 --> 00:11:20,544
Like say...
if you and I were to beat them
262
00:11:20,546 --> 00:11:22,280
in the bodybuilding competition.
263
00:11:22,282 --> 00:11:24,549
How are we gonna do that?
She's been training for weeks.
264
00:11:24,551 --> 00:11:25,750
It won't be easy.
265
00:11:25,752 --> 00:11:27,886
Transforming your body
will take dedication.
266
00:11:27,888 --> 00:11:31,489
No time for family, or friends.
I am talking total sacrifice.
267
00:11:31,491 --> 00:11:34,025
- I'm talkin' no sweets, Stan.
- I'm in.
268
00:11:34,027 --> 00:11:36,094
- Did you hear the part about no sweets?
- Yes.
269
00:11:36,096 --> 00:11:38,763
That means no cookies,
you little cookie monster.
270
00:11:38,765 --> 00:11:41,299
- Roger!
- Sorry, I had to test your dedication.
271
00:11:41,301 --> 00:11:42,634
Now I have to test...
272
00:11:42,636 --> 00:11:44,603
how much steroids you
can take in your neck.
273
00:11:48,242 --> 00:11:50,174
Dusty, I got to say,
274
00:11:50,176 --> 00:11:53,044
these have been some of
the best days of my life.
275
00:11:53,046 --> 00:11:56,314
I can't believe I was mad
at you about the high-five.
276
00:11:56,316 --> 00:12:01,653
'Cause now you're like my best friend.
277
00:12:01,655 --> 00:12:02,854
My man!
278
00:12:02,856 --> 00:12:05,723
Can I get a high-five?
279
00:12:06,372 --> 00:12:07,525
Dusty, ow!
280
00:12:07,527 --> 00:12:08,927
What are you doing?
281
00:12:08,929 --> 00:12:11,263
[Whispers] I stole it from you.
282
00:12:11,265 --> 00:12:14,666
I was at the Junior Olympics
when you invented the high-five.
283
00:12:14,668 --> 00:12:18,603
It was so beautiful.
I had to make it mine.
284
00:12:18,605 --> 00:12:19,804
What?
285
00:12:19,806 --> 00:12:22,941
You know how hard it is
to be a famously nice guy
286
00:12:22,943 --> 00:12:26,478
when I'm constantly reminded
that my greatest accomplishment
287
00:12:26,480 --> 00:12:28,012
is a lie?!
288
00:12:28,014 --> 00:12:29,281
Without the high-five,
289
00:12:29,283 --> 00:12:31,749
I'm just a highly respected athlete
290
00:12:31,751 --> 00:12:34,218
who transitioned
perfectly into a vibrant
291
00:12:34,220 --> 00:12:38,156
and fulfilling second
act as a leader of men.
292
00:12:38,158 --> 00:12:39,357
That still sounds pretty good.
293
00:12:39,359 --> 00:12:42,026
To you! The great genius!
294
00:12:42,028 --> 00:12:43,895
Don't you see I hurt?!
295
00:12:43,897 --> 00:12:45,897
So I decided to hurt you.
296
00:12:45,899 --> 00:12:48,967
First by showing you everything
that should've been yours,
297
00:12:48,969 --> 00:12:53,505
and now by taking away
everything you've got!
298
00:12:53,507 --> 00:12:56,108
But you already have the
only great thing I ever did!
299
00:12:56,110 --> 00:12:58,109
What more can you take?!
300
00:12:58,111 --> 00:13:00,312
Well, I could start with...
301
00:13:00,314 --> 00:13:01,980
[German accent] ...your accent.
302
00:13:01,982 --> 00:13:04,716
Now I am German sounding!
303
00:13:04,718 --> 00:13:06,118
[Gasps]
304
00:13:08,121 --> 00:13:12,457
And then I take your whole fish idea.
305
00:13:18,598 --> 00:13:20,999
Who is the fish now?
306
00:13:21,001 --> 00:13:23,335
Finally, I steal from you
307
00:13:23,337 --> 00:13:27,172
the ability to breathe underwater!
308
00:13:28,274 --> 00:13:29,874
[Gulping]
309
00:13:29,876 --> 00:13:33,011
[Gurgling]
310
00:13:38,685 --> 00:13:41,553
Well, I think we both saw that coming.
311
00:13:41,555 --> 00:13:50,562
312
00:13:50,564 --> 00:13:53,297
Give it up for Jan and Jim L?pez!
313
00:13:53,299 --> 00:13:56,535
Who's who?
Hard to tell, but fun to guess!
314
00:13:58,372 --> 00:14:00,304
Arms up, pull it down!
315
00:14:00,306 --> 00:14:01,973
Attagirl, Francine!
316
00:14:01,975 --> 00:14:03,575
You're so big!
317
00:14:03,577 --> 00:14:05,243
Roger: You think she's big?
318
00:14:05,245 --> 00:14:07,511
Excuse me, I'm trying to...
319
00:14:07,513 --> 00:14:09,914
If I could just get past.
320
00:14:09,916 --> 00:14:11,183
Thank you... Johnny?
321
00:14:11,185 --> 00:14:12,250
Sorry I thought you were someone else.
322
00:14:12,252 --> 00:14:13,518
'Scuse me. Sorry.
323
00:14:13,520 --> 00:14:15,053
Stan, that was definitely Johnny.
324
00:14:15,055 --> 00:14:16,654
We had sex. Pardon me!
325
00:14:16,656 --> 00:14:18,256
Sorry, where was I? Oh, yeah.
326
00:14:18,258 --> 00:14:20,292
You think she's big?!
327
00:14:21,795 --> 00:14:23,327
Ta da!
328
00:14:24,139 --> 00:14:26,798
Boom. Rat braid. Ready to quit?
329
00:14:26,800 --> 00:14:30,468
I cannot believe you would do
this just to get me to quit!
330
00:14:30,470 --> 00:14:33,337
Well, it's only
gonna make me try harder!
331
00:14:33,339 --> 00:14:35,073
You just woke the dragon.
332
00:14:35,075 --> 00:14:38,476
Eeeeh!
333
00:14:38,478 --> 00:14:41,679
I'm sorry,
I don't know what a dragon is.
334
00:14:41,681 --> 00:14:45,217
Please welcome Stan
Smith and Tammy Twopiece!
335
00:14:45,219 --> 00:14:47,351
Dirty South, uh-huh
336
00:14:47,353 --> 00:14:48,820
Can y'all really feel me
337
00:14:48,822 --> 00:14:50,422
East Coast, feel me
338
00:14:50,424 --> 00:14:52,224
West Coast, feel me
339
00:14:52,226 --> 00:14:57,562
Boy, I've been watching you
like the hawk in the sky
340
00:14:57,564 --> 00:15:00,899
That flies and you were my prey
341
00:15:00,901 --> 00:15:04,302
Boy, I promise you
if we keep bumpin' heads
342
00:15:04,304 --> 00:15:07,705
I know that one of these days
343
00:15:07,707 --> 00:15:11,243
We gon' hook it up
while we talk on the phone
344
00:15:11,245 --> 00:15:14,846
But see, I don't know if that's good
345
00:15:14,848 --> 00:15:18,583
I've been holdin'
back this secret from you
346
00:15:18,585 --> 00:15:20,318
I probably shouldn't tell it, but
347
00:15:20,320 --> 00:15:23,988
If I, if I let you know
348
00:15:23,990 --> 00:15:28,059
You can't tell nobody,
I'm talkin' 'bout nobody
349
00:15:28,061 --> 00:15:29,261
[Cheers and applause]
350
00:15:29,263 --> 00:15:30,862
That, ladies and gentlemen,
351
00:15:30,864 --> 00:15:33,832
is what Langley
Bodybuilding is all about!
352
00:15:35,936 --> 00:15:37,803
You'll never beat that.
353
00:15:39,873 --> 00:15:41,072
We can do this!
354
00:15:41,074 --> 00:15:42,740
- No limits!
- No limits!
355
00:15:42,742 --> 00:15:45,944
[Classical music playing]
356
00:15:45,946 --> 00:15:52,216
357
00:15:52,218 --> 00:15:58,290
358
00:15:58,292 --> 00:15:59,557
We're losing them!
359
00:15:59,559 --> 00:16:01,159
Let's spell it out for them.
360
00:16:01,161 --> 00:16:03,161
Ab-phabet.
361
00:16:03,163 --> 00:16:10,568
362
00:16:10,570 --> 00:16:13,171
[Cheers and applause]
363
00:16:13,173 --> 00:16:16,774
364
00:16:16,776 --> 00:16:18,910
You can't hold that pose forever!
365
00:16:18,912 --> 00:16:21,045
Oh, yes, I can!
366
00:16:21,047 --> 00:16:24,849
I'll never quit!
367
00:16:24,851 --> 00:16:29,187
[Groaning]
368
00:16:29,189 --> 00:16:31,055
A new vein... gross!
369
00:16:31,057 --> 00:16:32,456
And the judges love it!
370
00:16:32,458 --> 00:16:36,060
I'm absolutely losing my mind here!
371
00:16:36,062 --> 00:16:38,863
372
00:16:38,865 --> 00:16:43,601
[Groaning]
373
00:16:43,603 --> 00:16:47,138
Are we about to see the
world's first brain flex?!
374
00:16:47,140 --> 00:16:49,207
375
00:16:49,209 --> 00:16:51,475
[Pop!]
376
00:16:51,477 --> 00:16:54,579
[Audience gasps]
377
00:16:56,717 --> 00:16:58,717
_
378
00:16:58,718 --> 00:17:01,586
Francine's extreme exertion
during the competition
379
00:17:01,588 --> 00:17:03,321
caused her to have an aneurysm.
380
00:17:03,323 --> 00:17:04,322
She's in a coma.
381
00:17:04,324 --> 00:17:06,324
This is totally my fault.
382
00:17:06,326 --> 00:17:10,796
If only I hadn't strong-armed my way
into that bodybuilding competition.
383
00:17:10,798 --> 00:17:12,330
Sir, please stop posing.
384
00:17:12,332 --> 00:17:15,867
I can't. This is shaking me to the core!
385
00:17:15,869 --> 00:17:17,335
Stan, snap out of it!
386
00:17:17,337 --> 00:17:19,604
Don't you understand,
Franny's in trouble!
387
00:17:19,606 --> 00:17:21,006
Yah!
388
00:17:21,008 --> 00:17:22,207
[Monitor beeping]
389
00:17:22,209 --> 00:17:24,075
Roger, snap out of it!
390
00:17:24,077 --> 00:17:26,344
These machines are keeping her alive!
391
00:17:26,346 --> 00:17:27,345
Is she gonna live?
392
00:17:27,347 --> 00:17:29,146
Well, that depends.
393
00:17:29,148 --> 00:17:30,281
Is she a fighter?
394
00:17:30,283 --> 00:17:31,349
Hell yeah, she is!
395
00:17:31,351 --> 00:17:34,085
Or... a quitter?
396
00:17:34,087 --> 00:17:36,487
Ewewewoh...
397
00:17:36,489 --> 00:17:39,557
A q-q-quitter, that's, uh,
an interesting word to choose,
398
00:17:39,559 --> 00:17:43,161
given, uh, it's been a-a recent,
uh, bone of contention,
399
00:17:43,163 --> 00:17:44,496
uh, between me and my wife.
400
00:17:44,498 --> 00:17:45,963
Are you guys on drugs?
401
00:17:45,965 --> 00:17:47,999
- Very much.
- Yes. An incredible amount. Yes.
402
00:17:54,107 --> 00:17:55,440
She's unresponsive.
403
00:17:55,442 --> 00:17:58,343
But it doesn't mean she's not in there.
404
00:18:05,652 --> 00:18:09,186
It all began when I was 15.
405
00:18:09,188 --> 00:18:14,125
I begged my mom for a drum
kit and she got it for me.
406
00:18:14,127 --> 00:18:18,864
I was going to be the
world's best female drummer.
407
00:18:18,866 --> 00:18:21,867
Big drum, big drum, middle one,
little one, foot drum,
408
00:18:21,869 --> 00:18:24,469
metal thing, metal thing, no mistakes!
409
00:18:24,471 --> 00:18:26,538
That was my dream.
410
00:18:26,540 --> 00:18:29,674
But instead of practicing,
I got real high.
411
00:18:29,676 --> 00:18:31,743
But this isn't about drugs.
412
00:18:31,745 --> 00:18:35,080
This is about me quitting.
413
00:18:35,082 --> 00:18:38,683
And I quit everything.
414
00:18:40,888 --> 00:18:44,890
Two years later,
I wanted to become a chef.
415
00:18:44,892 --> 00:18:46,691
Chop, chop, sizzle, sizzle!
416
00:18:46,693 --> 00:18:48,025
[Sighs]
417
00:18:48,027 --> 00:18:51,563
Working at Applebee's
is not as glamorous
418
00:18:51,565 --> 00:18:53,965
as it's chopped up to be.
419
00:18:53,967 --> 00:18:55,400
I quit!
420
00:18:57,304 --> 00:18:58,804
Yo soy.
421
00:18:58,906 --> 00:19:00,305
Yo soy.
422
00:19:00,307 --> 00:19:02,107
Tu eres.
423
00:19:02,109 --> 00:19:03,441
Too much!
424
00:19:03,443 --> 00:19:05,577
How do you say "quit" in Spanish?
425
00:19:05,579 --> 00:19:07,044
I don't know.
426
00:19:07,046 --> 00:19:08,880
Are you getting it yet?
427
00:19:11,384 --> 00:19:14,119
So when I started bodybuilding,
428
00:19:14,121 --> 00:19:16,922
I made a promise I wouldn't quit.
429
00:19:16,924 --> 00:19:18,456
But guess what?
430
00:19:18,458 --> 00:19:20,658
My body quit on me.
431
00:19:20,660 --> 00:19:23,795
Isn't that the most Francine
thing you ever heard?
432
00:19:23,797 --> 00:19:25,130
[Growls]
433
00:19:25,132 --> 00:19:26,531
Bingah!
434
00:19:26,533 --> 00:19:30,602
[Babbles]
435
00:19:30,604 --> 00:19:34,606
"Pac-Man" game over sound.
436
00:19:34,608 --> 00:19:36,141
Now, that my body's given up,
437
00:19:36,143 --> 00:19:40,411
maybe it's time for my spirit
to quit, too.
438
00:19:40,413 --> 00:19:42,079
Stan: This is bullshit!
439
00:19:42,081 --> 00:19:43,481
Who's heckling me?!
440
00:19:43,483 --> 00:19:45,550
I'm trying to end this!
441
00:19:45,552 --> 00:19:47,218
It's not over!
442
00:19:48,252 --> 00:19:49,154
Stan?
443
00:19:49,156 --> 00:19:51,689
I'm sorry I made you
feel bad about quitting.
444
00:19:51,691 --> 00:19:53,090
Quitting's not so bad.
445
00:19:53,092 --> 00:19:55,160
It means you have a curious mind.
446
00:19:55,162 --> 00:19:58,896
And you want to taste
everything life has to offer.
447
00:19:58,898 --> 00:20:00,898
Plus, you never quit me.
448
00:20:00,900 --> 00:20:03,168
Even though you probably should have.
449
00:20:03,170 --> 00:20:05,570
I do stupid stuff.
450
00:20:05,572 --> 00:20:06,904
You do do stupid stuff.
451
00:20:06,906 --> 00:20:08,306
Shut the [bleep] up!
452
00:20:08,308 --> 00:20:11,643
Oh, Francine, I can't lose you.
I need you!
453
00:20:11,645 --> 00:20:14,446
Stan... I got to end my show.
454
00:20:14,448 --> 00:20:16,314
Don't do it. Don't go!
455
00:20:16,316 --> 00:20:20,385
If you all think this show's
coming to some exciting conclusion,
456
00:20:20,387 --> 00:20:22,587
you haven't been paying attention.
457
00:20:23,232 --> 00:20:26,457
It ends like everything ends.
458
00:20:27,522 --> 00:20:29,594
With me quitting.
459
00:20:31,492 --> 00:20:32,797
Being in a coma!
460
00:20:32,799 --> 00:20:34,866
Geez! A little warning
next time, Francine!
461
00:20:34,868 --> 00:20:36,934
- She's awake!
- Mommy!
462
00:20:36,936 --> 00:20:41,873
I'm sorry, it's time to pull the
plug and end this morbid charade.
463
00:20:41,875 --> 00:20:43,741
Your wife is never going to...
464
00:20:43,743 --> 00:20:44,942
Oh, she woke up!
465
00:20:44,944 --> 00:20:48,479
I did it again. I saved a life. Yes!
466
00:20:48,481 --> 00:20:49,947
But some sad news.
467
00:20:49,949 --> 00:20:52,483
Earlier today, Dusty Baker drowned
468
00:20:52,485 --> 00:20:55,086
in a giant fish bowl
of his own creation.
469
00:20:55,088 --> 00:20:56,922
Together: No!
470
00:20:58,358 --> 00:21:00,125
Bye-bye! See you soon!
471
00:21:02,132 --> 00:21:03,995
472
00:21:04,045 --> 00:21:08,595
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