All language subtitles for Alone Together - 02x08 - Dog Awards.TBS.English.C.orig.Addic7ed.com

I had trace amounts of pee on my pants

for my entire set. I was frazzled.

Industry nights just get
in your head, you know?

But you know what? If we
stand here looking sad,

none of these TV people
are gonna come talk to us.

Trust me. I learned that from
many middle school dances.

I don't know how to not
look sad when I stand.

Why don't we go talk to that sad guy?

- I like that he's sad,
- Yeah.

'cause I feel like we
might have an angle there.

I mean, I did crowd work with him

and I told him he looked
like a baby falcon.

Which doesn't make any sense.

- I was just nervous and saying stuff.
- No, no, no.

You know what? That's the
perfect icebreaker. Let's go.

Hi, I'm Esther, and this is Benji.

I don't really think
you look like a baby falcon.

I was kinda nervous and I lashed out.

It's all right, man. I get it.
I saw both your sets.

You guys were pretty funny, actually.

- Thank you.
- Thanks.

I'm Tom Piner.

I'm the executive producer
of the American Dog Awards.

Shut up! I love the American Dog Awards.

It is a funny award show.
I caught it the year

Triumph roasted the dog
from Modern Family.

The look on her face.
She did not see it coming.

Listen, I actually have a couple
openings on my writing staff.

You interested?

- What? Yes.
- Yeah, yeah.

- Are you guys all right?
- Yeah.

Have you guys had jobs before?

- Eem.
- S... Too many.

- How do you mean?
- Like a bunch.

- OK.
- I mean, I've never spent

more than three hours at one place
for more than a day in a row, but...

I get tons of job offers.

For me it's really just the art
of saying no, at this point.

But this is something I wanna do.

The pay's not great. Just so you know.

Do I have to join a union?
My grandfather's a Republican,

and I promised I never would join one.

Oh, no. It's very non-union.
Don't worry about that.

Let me give you one of my cards.

Somebody just text me,
and we'll figure it out.

- Cool.
- Nice meeting you guys.

- Thank you so much.
- Yeah.

Did that just happen?

Aah! Are you crying? I'm crying.

I... I don't even know.
I'm combusting internally.

I... I don't even know if I can cry.
I don't know what I'm feeling.

Let me see.

- Oh, my God.
- We made it.

I don't know what else
to say, but we made it.

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Oh, crap!

Benji, I just remembered
there's a grape Nerd

stuck under my "L" key,

so I can't type anything with an "L".

You know what? I'm gonna need you

to e-mail me some "L" s
so I can copy, paste them.

Just do capital, lowercase, bold,

italic, and I'll be covered.

Or just a joke binder like me.

A binder? No.

I'm living in the digital age.

I'll be using my laptop computer.

Just take a look at what I'm doing here.

"Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Bone"?

"Hair-y Paw-ter

and the Sorcerer's Bone."

That's six words, three plays on words.

Even if you're not laughing,
you're thinking.

I'm not laughing.

But I'm thinking. So, yeah.

Oh, really? What are you
doing that's so great?

Benji, I'm a girl who loves dogs.

They're my first friends,

my first love, even my first kiss.

No one in this world
loves dogs more than me.

And that's why this year,

I'm bringing the heart
to the Dog Awards.

For real though, how stoked are you?

- So stoked.
- There's definitely gonna be

an espresso machine in that office.

Do you think we'll also have a view of
the Hollywood sign from our office?

- Oh, yeah.
- Oh, my God!

Sorry you guys gotta share an office,

but, um, and make sure
that vent stays open

at all times, and also, that

carbon monoxide detector
has to be plugged in.

Wow, so do we have free
use of all these mops?

I guess. For what?

This is amazing, but whose
leg do I have to hump

to get a coffee around here?

You're not on the clock yet,
but that's the spirit.

Good to have you guys on board.

I gotta take this. This is my wife.

Ex-wife. I don't know.

We're getting divorced. It sucks.

Love isn't real. Don't ever get married.

Um, help yourselves to any breakfast

that's on set. I gotta go.

Wow. I can't believe this is free.

This is a better
breakfast spread than that

pharmaceutical office on
Wilshire we used to break into.

I know. This is crazy.

There's donut variety, cinnamon rolls.

Apple Jacks.

Dude, no onion bagels.

The less people watch TV,
the worse the spread gets.

You know, on "The Critic,"

the writers had an omelet bar.

- Of course.
- Yeah. It's gonna be

- the longest week of my life.
- Hey, I'm Benji.

I'm a new writer on the show.

Did I just hear you say
you wrote on "The Critic"?

Yeah, like 25 years ago.

Dude, that's my favorite show ever!

What, are you one of these young
guys they hire for his Tweets?

No, but I got Tweets. Are you trying
to jam on some stuff? No? OK.

- I'll see you in the room, dude!
- Wow, wearing dog paraphernalia.

It's a little on the nose.

You think?

That's exactly where I was aiming.

- Thank you.
- Oh, wow.

You're not even doing a bit.

I can't believe I've been doing
this for eight years in a row.

Eight years? That's double college.

What's your secret?

Opiates and Metamucil.

Are those your dogs' names?

Um, OK, let's dive into pitches.

Remember, this is the Dog Awards,

so puns are welcome.

OK, so, um, we have
a dog on a surfboard.

- Uh, wearing sunglasses.
- Right.

And then he barks the lyrics

to a Beach Boys song.

"Dogs Just Wanna Have Sun."

OK, all right.

- Is that even a Beach Boys song?
- Uh, who else?

Uh, yeah, maybe, uh,

there's a sketch where
there's a hot dog vendor,

and then he's like, "Hot dogs! Get
your hot dogs!" And then all these

wiener dogs come out in bikinis.

And if we want, maybe it could be funny
'cause dogs have a lot of nipples.

Maybe the bikinis could look funny.
I don't know.

- Damn, that's solid, man.
- Hot dogs!

- Yeah, sexy hot dogs.
- I get it. Yeah, yeah.

- That could be funny.
- Good one.

I like it.

Oh, shoot. Sorry.

Uh, I have a segment pitch

for Hero Dog of the Year Award.

I was thinking we could
show heartwarming videos

introducing all of the nominees.

You know how like when you're
watching the Olympics,

and you learn that an ice skater's mom

just died in an avalanche,

and then you really want her to win?

Sorta like that.

I don't... where's the...

I don't... where's the punchline?

Well, there wouldn't
be a punchline there,

but if we add those kind
of heartwarming moments,

then the other jokes will land harder.

So, think about that.

I mean, that's very nice, Esther,

but I'm not sure it fits in the tone

of the Dog Awards.

Think of, like, I don't know,

jokes that would be on a bumper sticker.

Or on a t-shirt at a seaside gift shop.

And you're shopping and you're like,

"Oh, my God! That's hilarious!"

It's short and sweet,
and maybe you're high,

so it's super funny.
Like that kind of stuff.

- Like "pug life."
- That's my guy right there!

Pug life. See what we're doing now?

Oh, oh. OK.

I got a pitch.

Two dogs are fighting over a stick.

One dog's supposed to get the
stick every other weekend,

but Friday comes, and the other dog

won't give him the stick.

One day you're in your beautiful
house with the dog you love,

three beautiful little sticks.

Next day trying to figure out

how Tinder works on your phone

that can't even get the
update to work properly.

You know what? Let's take a break.

We're gonna take a quick break.

We'll come back. It's fine.

Maybe someone should follow him.

He... He seems really upset.

You'll learn quickly that

the more stuff Tom is going through,

the more breaks we get.

- Need a drink?
- Oh, yeah, let's get a drink.

- You guys want?
- It's 10:00 am.

- Hey.
- Hey.

I just wanted to say I'm sorry.

I know how hard divorce can be.

When I was in fourth grade,
me and my best friend,

Christina, broke up for a year,
and we had to split our whole

lip smackers caboodle,
and it... it got ugly.

Thank you, Esther.

I just want someone to talk to.

Like, I tried opening up to my lawyer,

and then I found out he was
charging me $800 an hour.

That's awful.

And I just want you to know,

now that I'm working here,

I'm always around, and if you ever

wanna talk, my price is free.

Wait, Esther. Actually, maybe

we should do that segment that
you were pitching earlier.

I'm starting to feel like we're doing

all these dog jokes,
and what we should be doing

is, like, actually
processing our emotions.

- You mean it?
- Yeah.

Why don't you write it up,

and you should produce it.

You want me to be a producer?

It's important you understand

your title won't change.

You'd still be a writer.

You're just producing one segment.

I can't wait till the ladies
at Chipotle hear about this,

because extra guac
will not be a problem.

Thank you so much, sir. At ease.

Oh, dismissed.

Benji! Benji, Benji, Benji.

He's letting me produce
my dog hero segment

and I don't even know
what producing means.

- Hey, buddy.
- Hey!

Quick question. On the hot dog sketch,
do you imagine the dogs wearing

four high heels, or just two?

Oh, you know what? I've
got this in my binder.

It's all storyboarded.
Let me just grab it.

- Oh, yeah, grab it.
- Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, it's all storyboarded.

We're just producing.

All right.

Oy!

My binder. Where is it?

I left it right here.

Did you hide it?

Benji, I don't touch outdated media.

We've talked about this.

My jokes are gone.

Esther, close the vent and let me die.

Does this mean that
I'm getting my own office?

Any movie pitches? We need...

- Jurassic Bark.
- Classic one.

Great, and, uh, Game of Barks.

It's a lot of barks, that's fine.

Uh, Benji, you have anything for that?

I mean, both of those
are really good ideas.

I just... yeah, those were great.

Great, thanks. Helpful.

OK, then we have the sponsored
sketch for Starbucks.

We might be calling it "Barkbucks".

Does anyone have any pitches for that?

Benji?

Um, I had this thing in my binder

where it was like bones.

Like bones coffee.

Not bones coffee, but...

Bro, just riff.

What about, uh, a riff of, uh, oh!

You guys remember "Yo quiero"?

Yeah, that was a Chihuahua
from a Taco Bell ad.

What does that have to do with coffee?

I don't know.
That was a funny commercial.

- You gotta admit that.
- That's not even an idea.

That's just a reference
to something that existed.

What about "Yo quiero Frappuccino"?

You feeling all right, dude?

All right, my ex just texted me

she wants to throw away
all of my old yearbooks.

So, let's just take five.

Yap-accino!

Geez!

I just... I was trying to think of it,

and then I did.

Take a break.

I took the liberty of researching
each of the nominees.

And first we have Chi Chi.

She has all four of her legs amputated,

but that does not stop her

because she's got four prosthetic paws,

and she's happier than ever.

I always thought Tom hated me,

but this confirms it.

OK. Well,

next up we have Daisy.

The hero police dog.

Butter... epileptic Pomeranian.

And then there's Fuzz...

Wilmer Valderrama's dog.

And he's got nothing going for him.

Wilmer or his dog?

There's no adversity to his story.

Every photo of him, he's with a model

or he's on the red carpet.

You know what?

You are so passionate
about this project.

Why don't you just
take it and run with it?

- OK.
- Just go!

And then you'll look at it later

and tell me it's good?

And if you don't hear anything,

you can assume I loved it.

That is cool.

I love being a producer.

You need to stop saying "producer."
That's not your title.

I understand.

OK, I'm sorry,

but there is no way for me to make

Fuzz Valderrama inspiring.

He doesn't know struggle.

He doesn't know what it's like

to scrounge for food or pay bills,

or have a studio apartment.

I knew this would happen.

You're trying to win a Dog Award.

I'm not, but I do think I
deserve one more than Fuzz.

I don't have time to argue with you
about Fuzz. I'm trying to write

three weeks worth of jokes in a night.

You got this, OK?

What about "Hairy Pawter
and the Sorcerer's Bone"?

That was a special idea.

You're right! That was a good idea!

I totally forgot about that one!

- Yeah.
- That bit's a slam dunk, man!

I'm gonna be, like,
Steph Curry there tomorrow,

just sinkin' threes. It's gonna crush!

- Is that sports stuff?
- It was. It felt weird.

Let's hear some pitches.
We still need something

- for the opening number, so...
- Yeah.

- Yeah I was thinking we...
- All right, I got one.

Sorry about that. You go first.

Uh... No, no. You go ahead. It's fine.

Anyone. Just pitch something.

Here's a little idea I had.
How about... "Hairy Pawter"

and the Sorcerer's Bone"?

Yes! Yes.

Dumb, but in a good way.

- I think this is Dog Award Stuff.
- Right.

Like "good dog," right?

Who can we get to play Harry Potter?

I'm thinking of that dog
from the Super Bowl commercial.

- You know who I'm talking about.
- Cosmo!

- Yeah.
- I heard, on the set of "Snow Dogs 2,"

that he was constantly aroused
from all the fake fur

from the boots and the parkas
and stuff like that.

Totally cool, now, no, no.
He went to obedience school,

so he's all good now.
He's ready to work.

- Let's just start calling out ideas.
- Done!

Um, I think this is good.

- All right.
- Let me guess.

So, in this idea that you came up with,

Hermione is a Cocker Spaniel,
Voldemort a hairless cat?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. All that.
- You guys are in sync, you two.

Yeah, I guess so, right?

Has anyone read the books

or seen the movies? I have not.

Chi Chi might've lost

all four of her legs,

but she hasn't lost her
ability to make people smile.

That was fantastic.

I mean, Esther, people are gonna
fall in love with Chi Chi

when they see this. I just feel
terrible now that she's not gonna win.

Oh, well, you guys saw my video.

I think it's safe to say
Chi Chi's gonna win.

She's got no legs.

No, Esther, Wilmer Valderrama's
dog is gonna win, Fuzz.

This is the only way we could get
Wilmer to walk the red carpet,

and Wilmer Valderrama
brings the ratings.

Ratings?! What would
our advertisers think

if they knew you were just
chasing ratings?

Every award show I've written
for has been rigged.

It's just the way it is.

I knew about the Oscars. But
the American Dog Awards? Why?

I can't believe Jim stole my binder.

I know what it's like
to be let down by your heroes.

One time, I sat next
to Bette Midler on a plane,

and she was wearing flip flops.

- She flies coach?
- Yeah.

This way, gentlemen. Coming through!
Coming through!

Who is that strong, empowered woman?

I am getting major
Ruth Bader Ginsburg vibes.

Oh, that's Gertel, our calligrapher.

She does the winning cards
for all the awards shows.

They say she can make cursive
with her feet. Ugh.

She must have a strong
anti-kidnapping clause.

She had two bodyguards.

No, she's carrying
a list of winners with her.

They have to be really careful,
especially after the Oscars screw-up.

Oscars screw-up?

Oh, my God, Benji. That's it.

I am gonna switch the cards and
"La La Land" the Dog Awards.

Or would you call that
"Moonlight" -ing it?

I don't know. I'm gonna "La La Land"
the Dog Awards and make Chi Chi win.

Esther, you can't.
What about the sanctity

of the awar... I'm kidding.
Screw this place.

He gets it.

Hey, Gertel. I'm Esther,
one of the producers here.

Nice to meet you.

So, we're, uh, shuffling
some stuff around, last min.

TV, you know how it is, no big deal.

What we're gonna wanna do
is lose the "Fuzz" winner card

and swap it out
for a "Chi Chi" winner card.

You think Gertel was born yesterday?

I've been doing this for 60 years.

Desi Arnaz tried to pull this
same crap with me in 1964.

I'm sorry that Desi
played you like that.

I don't know what you're trying to pull,

but it's not going to fly.

Ricardo, Tony.

Get her outta here.

I'll see myself out.

Unless you guys wanted
to pick me up horizontally

like Madonna
in the "Material Girl" video?

And you reinforce this,
it'd be a good idea.

So then Cosmo sits here, and then
that's just the broom, and it flies.

Great.

Great. Oh, hey, excuse me.

Those fuzzy slippers,
we cannot have those around

when Cosmo shows up.
He will become aroused.

Um, I wanted to talk
to you guys about something.

I feel like the dogs in my hot dog
sketch aren't reading as hot.

Uh, we cut that sketch, man. I'm sorry.

- Oh, you cut it?
- It's not a funny thing,

it's a time issue. It is also a
funny thing, if I'm being honest,

but look, man, we're gonna
extend the Hairy Pawter bit.

We need time to hold for laughs.
That sketch has legs.

- Four legs, you might say.
- Ah, four legs!

Yeah. Four legs. That's good.

All right.

And we're back

in beautiful Van Nuys, California.

It's the 21st annual
American Dog Awards!

Hey, buddy. Remember this?

- Ready camera one.
- Yeah. Of course I remember it.

It's my binder that you stole.

And don't try to feed me some lie

about how you found it
in the bathroom or something,

'cause I never use the bathrooms here.
They're disgusting.

All right, dude. Settle down.

Oh, I'm pretty settled
right now, but any minute,

- Cosmo's gonna be really excited.
- What are you talkin' about?

I put a fuzzy slipper
in Cosmo's Hairy Pawter box,

so he's probably gonna boner
pretty hard on TV.

- No, you didn't.
- You stole my binder. I was jokeless.

Bro, I stole your binder,
'cause that's how it works.

Older writers steal
from younger writers.

I saw something in you.

I was gonna take you with me
to the Guy's Choice Awards.

I did... I didn't realize all that!

- How?
- Now let's take

a magical trip to Dogwarts!

Oh, we got a lot of production
value goin' on here.

What do we got, we got the
three capes and a hat.

And the one and only Hairy Pawter!

Oh, dang! That is
a big ol' dog lipstick!

I hope you're happy.
You're gonna get me fired.

Of course I'm not happy!

Guys, guys, listen.
That was the network.

- Tom, I am so sorry...
- No, no, no. Listen.

They're loving this.
They say it's exactly

the youthful rebrand
that the Dog Awards needs.

I don't know. They think it's edgy.
Jim, you're a legend.

- Jimbo! Whoo-hoo!
- All right. All right. OK.

Well, there you go!
We're a comedy duo now.

No, we're not. Good writers
borrow, great writers steal.

Only hacks try to ruin
other writers' sketches.

- Hack.
- Well...

Maybe we could... still collab?

Punch up each others' tweets?

Hello. I'm Jonas Templeton,

President of the American Canine Society

So I think I might be blacklisted

from writing on awards shows,
but at least my sketch crushed.

Who wants to write for these, anyway?

It's a corrupt cesspool of lies.

I heard Becky say
she has a cat. Traitor.

Here are the nominees
for hero dog of the year.

Daisy, the police dog.

Butter, the epileptic Pomeranian.

Chi Chi, the quadruple amputee
Golden Retriever.

And Fuzz Valderrama,

who seems pretty cool on Instagram.

And the Golden Bone goes to...

Stop! Stop!

I can't let this happen.

I need the viewers at home
to know that this is rigged!

That's right. And the real winner
tonight should be Chi Chi.

She has four prosthetic paws
and one giant heart.

Yeah, the card says, "Chi Chi."

Oh, my God!

I mean... Oh.

OK. Sorry. Uh, as you were,
Mr. Templeton.

And, just so everyone at home knows,

if you're a dog owner,
chocolate is poisonous to dogs.

Also, hi, Mom.

I know you said you wouldn't be
watching, but in case you are.

Well, safe to say that the
drama I created was good for ratings.

Pretty sure if the ratings are good,

it's gonna be because of my dog boner.

I can't believe they
only gave us one drink ticket.

I know you switched the cards.
You act so cool,

like you don't care,
but I know you care,

and that you switched them! Thank you!

I don't know what you're talking about.

That does not sound like
something I would do.

Hey, did you guys hear about this?

Somebody drugged Gertel.

Now that sounds like
something I would do.

'Scuse me!

Well, guys, you did a job.

The last guy quit halfway through, so...

you did better than him.

That sounds... We did a good job!

Yeah. You did a job.

I'll take it. Thanks, dude.

Yeah. You're welcome.

OK, bring it in.

What'd you steal?

I got these sunglasses.

They were on a pug,
and they're really nice.

And they fit!

Lifetime supply of Post-Its.

It's too bad you're not as smart as me,

'cause I got eight staplers
in my messenger bag right now.

There's a fax machine
and a label maker in your car.

Don't open the trunk until we get home.

Write that down.
Don't want you to forget.

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- www.addic7ed.com -