Original subtitles

Can I stay at yours? Cleo's at home asleep.

Ah! The fiancee.

And nothing's ever happened between you two? No!

Not once, ever? No!

Well, my best friend didn't buy me two stuffed love birds.

You're lucky they're stuffed.

They used to be alive!

You know what? It's a shame you can't come out tonight.

Cleo has to meet a friend.

Paperwork on a Friday night. You ARE a good friend!

Cuz, the way you blacked out, though.

Oh!

What are you on? Have you stopped taking your meds?

Yeah, I have, but that has got nothing to do with it.

Yeah? You're delusional. End of chat.

You hear from Daddy?

I'm not sure if he knew it was me, but I've seen him.

Him telling you what's happening? No. What?

He's about to be evicted.

Dad, is everything all right with the flat?

You never have to worry about me.

Hmm? Never.

Thank you.

Sorry. Don't worry.

Been at work. That's OK.

Thank you.

Hello?

Joey! Are you...?

Ah! Joey!

THEY LAUGH

I've missed you! Missed you.

MIA SHRIEKS AND JO LAUGHS

Oh, get off me! You're smearing that shit on me!

They let you in the building, then?

Yeah, they did, three hours ago.

I've never done a staycation.

So shooting all day,

then the sun decides to come out from behind the cloud,

the photographer gets a massive boner,

we have to reshoot the whole thing in an hour.

CHIRPING

Fuck's that? That's your present.

Ta-da!

Birds!

Yeah! Two?

How cute are they?

They're love birds. You have to keep them in twos

because they're so needy for affection and attention.

Ahem. Only joking.

What am I going to do with those?

Bond! Do you know what I mean?

Let them help you fold sheets like they do in the cartoons.

You can sit on the windowsill while one rests on your finger.

Come on, man, I thought birds were your favourite.

No, no, no, I'm joking. They're great. Thanks!

They're perfect for you. Mm-hm. You know what else is? What?

Yeah!

Wow. I know!

That's...something.

Right? Go on, try it on.

Yeah! It's cool, right?

It's a bit big for me, I think.

No. That's the look.

It's the same one that Pharrell Williams has been wearing

to all the shows. Yeah? Yeah. I think I look like Elmer Fudd.

I don't know.

I think you look bud.

I'm guessing you came straight from your mum's gym, then?

It's a dojo.

You know what? One day you're going to inherit that dojo

and it's going to be called Jo's Dojo.

Or Jo's Jojos or Jo's Dojo...

DoJos? DoJos!

You know, it was mum's 35th anniversary in there.

Yeah? The Voice did a story on Brixton,

martial arts, blaxploitation.

Is it? Yeah.

Your dad did the music.

Did the music like how?

You didn't let him sing, Jo?

No, he DJ'd.

Thank God. Have you seen him?

I literally just got here.

The man doesn't trust technology.

What do you want me to do? Write him an email? Call him?

Just wander the streets of Brixton Market feeding pigeons

until our paths cross? All right. I'm just saying...

Yeah, well, don't!

I got you another present.

Do you want to see it?

Yes!

What is that?

MIA LAUGHS

It's a selfie stick, so you can take pictures of yourself.

Can't I just use my arm?

Yeah, but can your arm do this?

Your arm is not long enough for the best angle,

which is from the sky.

THEY CHUCKLE

Give me your phone.

Give me your phone!

Nah, what?

Sorry, man. I'm sorry, what is this?

It's a phone. No, mate,

this is a polystyrene cup on a piece of string.

Fam! No!

This is up there with a pigeon and a wish and a letter!

Are you all right?

Oh, my God. Wait.

Hold on. Nah, nah, nah. Oh!

Here. There you go.

What? I can't take that.

Yeah, you can. I've got another one in there somewhere, it's all right.

Boy, you know when they take your passport and force you

into sex work to pay for all this, I'm not coming to rescue you.

You spend money like it's got a sell-by date.

It kind of does, though, innit? Do you know what I mean?

Like, when I get new money,

I look at my old money, and I'm like, "Disgusting.

"Eurgh! I'm not touching you now."

All right, Puffy. All right, Puffy?

And you're just out here just spending your dutty money, gyal.

Dutty money! Your mouldy dutty money!

Urgh! Dutty gyal. Stop it!

Dutty gyal! Urgh! Urgh!

KNOCKING

Who's that?

Oh, it's Liv.

Liv?

And Rusty.

Hello.

I didn't know you did catalogue.

I didn't either.

Guys, this is Jo.

Smells like you've been having fun.

Yeah? Looks like a Helmut Lang.

It's a gi.

Really? It looks like Helmut Lang.

THEY LAUGH

So Nina's back in town.

Her dad got caught cheating, which means we've got unlimited access

to the PJ until his guilt subsides.

Oh! So lucky.

Burning Man is on! Yeah!

I've never been to Burning Man. You're going to love it.

KNOCKING

Knock, knock.

I thought we were meeting at 8.00.

Yeah, you and me both, darling.

I was halfway up the...

Oh, right, I see.

Mr and Mrs Fashion back together again, eh?

Ross and Rachel, innit? Cos, like, we were always put together on jobs,

so we're not like... We just look good together.

Yeah, well... Yeah. Did you lot hear about Nina's old man?

Yes. Oh, God.

LAUGHTER

Mind you, I probably would have sucked him off meself

for a lift to Burning Man, so... I bet you did.

Right, what are you looking at here? You've got 20 minutes,

you know that, don't you? What you thinking?

Is this it? Stick that on.

Oh, client said last time you turned up with your hair au naturel.

Can we just pop a nice little bouncy curl in it for me? Yeah?

Yeah, yeah. Thank you. All right.

So? 20 minutes?

I'm going to pre game with a Xanax and a brandy. Do you want?

No, I've got some, thanks.

Well, it was nice to meet you, Joan.

Um, text me when you're heading down so we can walk in together.

I fucking hate this country!

What the fuck is a PJ?

A private jet.

Obviously I'm going to stay here with you...

..but we should go.

I want to hang out with you, Mia, not them.

And I saw the way you look at him.

What? Who?

You're fucking him, aren't you?

What, Rusty? No!

Well, if you haven't already, you're going to.

Why don't we talk about this after dinner?

I'm going to be an hour.

Of course you will. I'm going to be an hour.

Mm-mm. Tops. Uh-huh.

Why are you being like that?

JO CHUCKLES

# I once had a life

# Or rather life had me

# I was one among many

# Or at least I seemed to be

# Well, I read an old quotation in a book just yesterday

# Said gonna reap just what you sow

# The debts you make you have to pay... #

You know, there's a big difference between love and like,

and I just don't think she loved me.

She liked you!

Yeah, but she's not enamoured by me, do you know what I mean?

I need her to be enamoured by me.

People normally love me.

They like looking at you.

No! It's my personality.

Anyway, she likes you. She said you were fine.

Yeah, but it's the wrong kind of fine.

Why has the wife got a hair in her salad?

Er, the wife does not have a hair in her salad.

And her name is Cleo, and she isn't the wife.

She's MY wife.

Yes, and I'm here for it.

I'm here for you.

Like I was here for Claire and Kerry and C...

Co... Corina. Corina. Mm-hm.

And I'm here for Cleo.

Oi! Cleo is the real deal.

They're all the real deal, Jo.

You know, and I'll be there, cheering you on at your mum's gym.

Are we still doing it at the gym?

It's not a gym, Mia, it's a dojo.

It's a place that's sole use is for fighting.

Right, it's got three decades worth of man juice

seasoned into the mats. It's not really giving lesbian union, is it?

It's called budgeting. Can you be more supportive?

How much more supportive can I be?

I've just been demoted to number two in your life.

Actually, you're number three.

Cleo, my mum, and then you.

How could you say this to me on my wedding day?

Oh, shut up. You don't want what comes with this.

How do you know?

Cos you could have had it.

# Hello, badmind

# How you doing today?

# How you doing today?

# Me no waan a strange face round me

# A just so me stay, ay

# Me no beg friend

# No me no run in 'pon people

# You stinkin' link, me stay real too

# Me no love likes Me no fight fi no money no vehicle

# Straight good over evil. #

COUGHING

It's a great song choice, Mr Sinclair.

So, as I mentioned, the council,

they're not giving us much leeway here.

Failure to pay these arrears will result in eviction,

and it's going to go down as making yourself intentionally homeless.

Who's your mum?

Mr Sinclair, I don't really think that this is the time to...

Patsy. She name Patsy?

Yeah.

What, you know my mum?

HE LAUGHS

Yes, yes, yes, and your uncle is Vincent.

Wait, you knew my Uncle Vincent? Mm!

Hold on, so you're Marc's uncle...

Wait, are you Mia's dad?

I'm nobody's dad, but everybody's father.

Why do you say "knew"?

Oh.

He passed last year, innit?

Whoa.

Hey, hold on, I've got something for you.

Hold on, hold on, hold on.

HE CHUCKLES

Oh, Mr Sinclair, I can't take this.

Can't? Can't?

This is for Patsy.

It's work rules, innit? Rules?

HE SUCKS HIS TEETH

Come out of my yard.

Mr Sinclair, if we could just get through some of this...

Come out of my yard!

And don't slam the door!

HE SIGHS

PHONE RINGS

Yo, what's going on, Marc? You good, yeah?

Say, yo, Jermaine. What's good, bruv?

Oh, fuck.

Yeah, Mia.

OK.

Do you mind me asking how much?

Yeah. Nah. Nah, she wouldn't have known.

Yeah, no, I'll talk to her.

All right. Thanks. All right, bye.

Mm!

Do you want the other half?

Yeah. Go on, then.

You know...

..isn't it a breach of confidentiality?

Who you telling?

I mean, no-one, but, like, should he be chatting my dad's business?

Your dad. Not my dad, not Jermaine's dad,

but YOUR dad, yeah, is looking at eviction real soon, Mimi.

Yeah, and you're lucky Jermaine is a housing officer.

It bought us a little bit of time. Mm.

It's just...

It's so awful, isn't it? So many people being displaced

and, you know...

What you saying?

Well, I'm saying society's fucked.

Gentrification, a lack of inter...

..gener.. Interge-ge-ge...

Mia, shut the fuck up.

You ain't even asked how much it is.

The arrears.

Oh, yeah, yeah, the arrears, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Two grand and lickle change, nothing too spicy.

This is what I'm saying, like, isn't that information classified?

Classified? We're talking about the council, cuz, not the Pentagon.

I wish I could do more, I really do.

It's just my money's tied up at the moment.

You know, my bank's in America.

So when I came here, I called my bank, it being in New York,

I was like, "I'm an international traveller,

"I know what you're about to do.

"Please don't block my card."

You know what they did? Blocked your... They blocked my card!

Now, I could get everything reopened again, but all of my passwords

are in my password book, and my password book I left in America.

Wait, wait, wait. Just, just...

You're telling me all your passwords are in a little book...

Yeah. ..in America, and you don't remember?

That's why I put them in a password book.

I'm dyslexic, innit?

So you're telling me Money Bags Mia has zero access to money right now?

It's awful, isn't it? Well...

Well, say nothing, but you see this situation is kind of serious

and, like, urgent.

So how about we go pawn shop and you can, you know...?

Are you for real?

What do you mean am I for real? Why would I not be for real?

It's a nice watch. Yeah. Yeah. It's not just a watch.

It is a timepiece. Oh!

Mm-mm. And I can't.

This is literally the last thing I have.

Obviously I've got more things like this, but...

..this in particular is... is a bit of me.

Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah.

You know how, like, some people know a instrument? Mm.

All right, some people have a degree.

Some people know a second language, yeah? That's them, right?

I have this watch! Mm-hm. Yeah.

Do you know what I mean? No, I get what you mean.

And you know what? That was an amazing argument

for why you should keep that watch. 100% amazing.

So this is what we'll do, yeah? You keep the watch.

You keep it! Yeah, that's your degree, that's your child,

whatever the hell you were... You keep it. Mm-hm.

And now your dad is going to be homeless. OK?

But it's cool. You keep it, yeah.

Mm. Mm.

Mia, it is a pawn shop. You can buy it back!

Come on, man!

Oh. Yeah, I was trying to guilt-trip you. Come on, let's...

Come on! Oh, what's that? You need to finish your sandwich?

There's your sandwich finished. Come on, we're going. Come on.

Why would you put your hands on my sandwich like that?

That was a violation.

One grand for a four grand watch?

Yeah, but you know that invest in a timepiece,

it's a big scam, innit?

Yeah, thanks for the chat, Marc.

Relax. I'm going to pay the rest.

Yeah, but like I said, I'm not going to be able to pay you back.

OK, cousin.

Bye, darling.

What the rass?

Who's that?

Joey!

Oh, my God, did you just come to meet me after work?

Wait, wait! What?

Ta-da! Oh!

Oh, of all of the random shit you've got me over the years,

this is by far my favourite gift.

Mm!

This is the medicine! Mm! Thank you!

I've got to tell you something.

Something like what? Is it good or is it bad?

Well, when I tell you this,

there's a chance that you might not want to be my friend any more.

Why?

But I hope that knowing that, and the fact that I do still tell you,

is testament to what a good friend I am.

Mia, I work on a cancer ward.

Just tell me the thing.

OK.

Wey... Erm...

I saw Cleo with another woman.

SHE LAUGHS

What?!

SHE LAUGHS

Is this cos she don't like you?

I knew it. But no, no, I saw her coming...

Saw her where? She...

She was coming out of a house on the street.

OK.

What street?

I don't know the street exactly.

So you were on a street doing what?

It doesn't matter what I was doing.

It fucking does.

This is my actual life, Mia.

When you leave,

I'll be right here exactly doing what I'm doing right now.

It's not a theory or a commercial or a vibe.

It's my life.

I'm telling you this because I care.

Is it that, or is it that you want what I'VE got for a change?

I'm not a bad person!

Is that so? Cos what you've just told me makes me feel really bad.

PHONE VIBRATES

And to what do I owe this pleasure, my beautiful empress?

Ah, oh!

Come, come, come. Wey, yes!

HE LAUGHS

Yeah, fashion, innit?

THEY LAUGH

Yeah!

I thought I'd just, erm, come over

and let you know that I've paid your rent arrears.

You what? Paid your rent arrears.

I covered it in full today, so you don't have to worry about it.

Who told you I was worried? Huh?

Well, because if...if you didn't pay it, then you'd be evicted.

Is that so?

Yeah.

What did I tell you?

I don't know, Dad. What?

I told you you never, ever have to worry about me!

Did I or did I not tell you that?

Yeah. Yeah, you did.

I don't need you to be looking out for my wellbeing, huh?

You understand? What, so you think you're God?

No. You think that you can just turn up and...and save the day?

No. Yeah, you see, the thing is,

I think you don't want to be seen as a bad person

a lot more then you want to be a good person.

You know, you being my dad is an abstract concept.

It involves me crawling down a rabbit hole

to visit you in your upside-down world,

where crumbs of fatherly advice are stolen through a song lyric

which may or may not be meant just for me.

But do you know what I do know?

I know where you live.

But if I can't find you here, then where can I find you?

FORCEFULLY: Where can I find you?

DOOR SLAMS

# Lately

# You've been acting mighty strange

# Something in your heart... #

It's not the hottest one, because you've got the hottest.

HE LAUGHS

Yeah, OK, but look at me, then.

Yeah, man has got it up here still. You get me? Yeah.

# This has happened before

# You don't have to lie no more

# So come on and tell it, tell it

# Tell it like it is

# Come on and tell it, tell it

# Tell it like it is

# If you've found somebody else... #

All right, then, how much?

How much is it, then?

No. No. No, it's not. It's for the son.

Don't let me get vexed, you know. I'm not going back there.

Just because you don't know.

Yeah, Djadja knows, see?

PHONE VIBRATES

Yes, Mum?

Sorry, but something's happened with Nana. I didn't know what to do...

I had to... Ella?

Are you all right?

Yeah, I'm fine, but....

It's OK.

Where is she?

It's OK. It's OK.

I'm coming now, all right? I'm on my way.

# ..if you just tell it, tell it

# Tell it like it is

# Why don't you tell it, tell it

# Tell it like it is?

# If I no longer remain in your heart

# Then I'm willing to part

# I'll find my way

# I'll find my way

# I know there's somebody somewhere... #