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(uptempo music)

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(uptempo music)

- Footballers!

50 grand a week!

That's 10 grand a day.

Well, if it's a five-day week.

I mean, one game a week, two max.

And they only train until midday,

so that's like 10 grand a working day.

So what gems does Little Miss Cosmo have for you this week?

- Well, I'm reading about something called a:

multiple orgasm.

- Don't listen; they're making that shit up.

- Well, apparently not.

- Yeah, well, multiple orgasms stop when you get married.

Something to do with church weddings.

The blessing takes care of all that.

In the eyes of God, one climax per session is enough.

- Oh, if that were the case, I'd go to church.

- Multiple orgasms, really?

We have to make due with one at a time,

and do you see us complaining?

- No. - Well, there you go.

- Because you're asleep.

(laughing)

Well, Mandy from Oxford here has at least 10 orgasms a day.

- I told you, they make it up.

- So by your maths, that's what, 50 orgasms a week?

- Unless she's on a cup run.

(laughing)

Oh, Christ, I've just cum!

- Jamie!

- Oh, and another!

- Shut up, people will start staring!

- It's Hampstead Heath, they think you're weird

if you're not having sex.

Oh, and another!

Seven more and I can move in with Mandy from Oxford.

(chuckling)

(instrumental music)

- Would you mind if I, ah?

- No, of course.

- Do you come here often?

- Is that the best you have?

- Yes, I'm afraid it is, yes.

- Oh.

- Don't worry, I shan't be asking you to dance.

(chuckling)

I find this very comforting.

- The view?

- Yes.

- It's wonderful to know that some things just stay.

- Although I could do without that bloody tower.

- Oh really? I love it.

I love it that for a while, at least,

we had ambitions beyond concrete.

- Do you ever wonder what would have happened

if that chap in Pudding Lane had noticed

that fire starting all those centuries ago,

and then just put it out?

- I suppose the whole of London would be wooden.

(chuckling)

- Imagine the splinters.

- By the way, I do.

- What?

- Come here often.

- Do you?

- Every Wednesday, as a matter of fact, to this very bench.

- Well, I never.

- So be careful who you ask next time.

- Yes I will. (chuckling)

Well, that is extraordinary.

- It's just a habit.

- How long have you been coming here?

- Oh, nearly 50 years.

- That's a lot of Wednesdays.

- Not as many as it might be.

I'm a strict observer of holidays.

(instrumental music)

- Nice view?

- Sorry?

- Oh, I'm just wondering if you can get all of that,

or whether you'd like me to move for you.

- What are you talking about, darling?

- You are so pathetic.

- Oh, good god! - Yeah, isn't he.

- She should be, she should be careful.

- What, in case some pervy man wants to stare at her pants?

- Well, yeah. - Yeah.

I saw you.

- Saw me what?

- Staring at her.

Staring at her pants.

- Oh, that's ridiculous.

- She's very beautiful.

- Do you think?

- Yeah, young, pert.

And what is it you and your mates say?

- About what?

- A stomach like a snare drum?

- We, we don't say that.

- Right.

So what were you looking at, then?

Because I saw you.

- Oh, oh that.

Oh god, did you think?

Oh, that's, that's funny.

No, it was her book.

- Oh right, her book.

- Yeah.

- Right.

And what book would that be, then?

- Le Tranger?

- L'etranger?

- Uh, yeah.

- You know it, do you?

- Oh, it's seminal.

- Albert Camus, unless I'm mistaken.

- It is, yeah, made quite an impact on me as a teenager.

- Really?

- Oh, Camus!

Camus! (laughing)

Yeah, that book changed my life.

I noticed she was reading it and thought, well,

you don't see it about that often.

- So what's it about then?

- Sorry?

- Well, this book that changed your life, what's it about?

- Oh, I'm not gonna get into that now.

- Oh, come on; the book that changed my husband's life,

I should know about.

Oh, go on, you know I love a good story.

- Well, you know, it's, ah,

it's French.

About a man who is an "etranger."

- Right.

- A stranger, basically.

Anyway, he goes on quite an adventure.

You know, new man in town,

the locals are difficult to break.

He starts off as a stranger, and through a series

of beautifully crafted events,

he eventually becomes accepted as the new...

Sheriff.

- Sheriff?

- Yeah, it's kind of like a,

French western.

- Well, that does sound life-changing.

- Yeah, it was.

Molly?

Molly, what are you...

- I am so sorry to disturb you.

I was just wondering if you could help me.

- Of course.

- Molly, I really think we should

leave this young lady alone.

- No no, it's okay; she doesn't mind, do you?

- No, I don't mind.

- Well, all the same-

- What can I do for you?

- I just couldn't help noticing the book you're reading.

- Really?

L'Etranger?

- Oui.

- It's truly a wonderful piece of writing.

- Well, do you know what, my husband was just saying so.

- Really, you know it?

- Oh yeah, I mean, I read it a few years ago.

- Isn't Meursault an extraordinary character?

His inability to lie and his ability

to live so much in the present?

An amazing creation.

- Yeah.

- And still, he ends up sheriff.

- Sorry? - Oh, Jesus.

- No, I was just saying, isn't it remarkable

that he can be so truthful and still wind up

as sheriff of the town?

- Molly-

- I mean, he just clears up that town, don't he?

- I think you may have the book a little confused.

- Oh, really?

- Well, yes.

This is a book about the fundamental existential crisis

of a man unable to live under the restrictions

that society imposes upon him, upon all of us.

- So, it's not a western?

- No.

Is there something wrong?

- We should leave now.

- Actually, no, no, no; come here.

- I'd actually like to apologise on behalf of my husband.

- Apologise?

- Yeah, I'm afraid he's been staring at your pants.

- Oh, for god's sake, Molly.

I'm sorry about my wife, she's had too much sun.

- No, on the contrary, it's my husband who's been affected

by the heat, but a little bit of advice for you:

next time you're sunbathing on the heath,

you might want to be a bit more careful.

It's full of perverts.

Pack up the things; we're going now.

- I'm really very sorry. (sighing)

(instrumental music)

I should...

- Were you really looking at me?

- Yes.

Yes, yes I was.

- Well, that is quite frightening.

- Oh god, this is...

Look, I'm gonna, I really am very sorry.

She gets very jealous.

- When you stare at other girls' underwear?

- Well, I don't very often stare, but,

yeah, I suppose in such a circumstance,

she would manifest jealousy.

- And what about you?

- [Jamie] Me?

- Yeah.

Are you the jealous type?

- Oh god, no, Molly can stare at who she likes; it's fine.

- Really?

- Well, apart from Jude Law,

but that's more of a talent issue.

Look, I'm gonna, I really am very, very sorry.

- Would you,

would you like to look again?

- Sorry?

- Would you like to have another look?

- Sorry, another look at-

- Yes.

- Uh...

- We all need a look now and again.

Like Meursault in the heat.

- Yes, like Meursault.

(uplifting music)

Thank you.

Is that the right thing to?

- Why not?

You're welcome.

(pensive music)

- [Jamie] Molly!

- So, tell me: why did you break the habit?

- Break it?

- Yes, it's Thursday.

- Thursday?

- Yes.

- Are you sure?

- Yes, of course.

- No, no, no, it's definitely Wednesday.

- On, no, no, no, it can't be.

- Oh?

- Because I always come here on Thursdays.

- Are you being a wag?

- No, no, I come to this bench to look at that view

on Thursdays, so it must be Thursday.

Or, one of us has got it wrong.

(chuckling)

- What are you gonna do?

- You want me to go?

- I want you to make a decision.

- Okay.

Okay, fine, I will.

But if I go, then...

- Well, you bore me Ludo, you bore me!

- I bore you?

- Yeah, you bore me to death.

- All right.

- Yeah, I'm so bored, I'm bored right now.

- You're unbelievable, you're unbelievable!

- You just said that, and it's not interesting!

Now make a fucking decision,

and make sure it's not a dull one.

- You're making me do this.

- Take responsibility for yourself.

(sombre music)

- You all right?

All right, love?

It's just, I was walking by.

I couldn't help but notice you staring out

into the middle distance, a bit like a nutter.

I mean, if you are a nutter, enough said.

But you don't strike me as you're bonafide mental.

I mean, I haven't actually met any real deal headcases,

but they don't generally look like you,

because I've seen them on the TV.

And if they did look like you,

then I would probably be down there,

smeared in my own shit quicker than you can say:

pass me your underpants, nurse.

Are you with me?

Uh...

Look, if I've misjudged things then,

sorry.

- Are you for real?

- Oh, she speaks.

- I speak.

- Which is good to know.

- What do you mean, right, when you said

that if they all looked like me?

- Sorry?

- What exactly do I look like?

- Well, you're a,

you're a good-looking bird.

(indistinct murmuring)

Well, yeah, if you like.

- [Woman In Blue] I don't have kids.

- Right, well, that's even better then.

- Is it?

- Yeah, yeah.

- Do you have kids?

- Oh, bloody hell.

I haven't even bought you a drink yet.

- You're too young to be a father.

- I am.

- How old?

- 25.

- Oh, that's not too young.

- Well, maybe it's not too young, but it's definitely young.

- Compared to what?

- To what?

- Yeah, you're young compared to what?

- Ah...

The telephone.

Yeah, I'm definitely young compared to the telephone.

(laughing)

- You are.

(laughing)

- So what are you young compared to?

- What's that?

- I said: what's old compared to you?

- What kind of fucking question is that?

- What?

- What kind of moronic fucking question is that?!

- Well, it was your moronic fucking question.

- It's okay, you can leave now.

- Oh, oh, can I?

- Yeah, you can go now.

- Oh, right, okay.

So you're all right then.

- Fine, thanks for your concern.

(sighing)

- My name's Noel.

- [Woman In Blue] Noel?

- Yeah, as in Gallagher.

- And Edmonds?

- Oh, god!

Crushes.

(laughing)

What's your name?

- Anna.

- Oh, as in Kournikova!

- As in: I'd quite like to spend some time by myself.

No offence.

- Okay, none taken.

I'll leave you to it.

- Thanks for your concern.

- No, it's all right, you already did that.

(instrumental music)

- What are you doing?

- I'm leaving you to it, yeah?

Okay, now if you don't mind, be quiet.

Because I need some still, eh?

- You have got some front.

(laughing)

- You know, you shouldn't be feeding me lines like that.

(laughing)

- Are you seriously not gonna leave?

- No.

- I could scream.

- So, scream.

- I could, I could get you arrested.

I could say that you tried to touch me.

- Well, if I'm going down for it.

Oh, you know what, I think I am,

I'm punching above my weight, aren't I?

I'm just gonna leave you to it.

I'm sorry.

- You can stay.

- Huh?

Well...

Don't mind if I do.

- What makes you think that someone like you

has any chance whatsoever with someone like me?

- You know, I don't remember asking if I did.

- Come on, you've been doing it since you saw me.

- I have not; look, I just saw a girl who looked upset,

and I made sure that she was all right,

and then I decided to do a spot of meditation.

Okay, there was no drool involved.

- You're out of your mind!

- Seriously, yeah, you're fucking with my qi.

(buoyant instrumental music)

- Molly!

Oh, come on, Molly!

- My boyfriend just left me.

- Where?

- Here, just now.

Ludo.

- Ludo, what, as in the-

- As in the boring, middle-aged twat, shut up! (laughing)

- Has anybody ever told you that you have great eyes?

- Oh, sorry, are we in Stringfellows?

- No, really, you do. - Make an effort.

- No, you do, you have great eyes.

Which is lucky.

- Lucky?

- Yeah, because they tend to pull focus from your nose.

- What the fuck is wrong with my nose?

- Nothing's wrong with your nose, you have a great nose.

You have a great fucking nose.

- Are you seriously trying to tell me

that I've got a big nose?

- Not big.

- Well, what then?

- Well, ah, what I'm saying is that, ah,

it doesn't matter what kind of nose you have,

because those eyes will always overpower-

- Overpower?

- Uh, you happen to have a beautiful nose.

My point is that those eyes are so good

that even if you had a ridiculous nose, it wouldn't matter.

Which you don't, but if you did,

I wouldn't notice, which I didn't.

I mean, until now, and now I look,

it's a great nose, yeah, it's great.

You have a great nose.

- You've just got no idea who you're dealing with.

I'm damaged!

- We're all damaged, babe.

- Who the fuck do you think you are?

Arriving out of nowhere, asking me all sorts of personal

questions when clearly I'm upset about something,

which incidentally has fuck-all to do with you!

And then you sit there next to me, you sit there,

me, an attractive, single, vulnerable woman,

you sit here next to me and tell me

that I've got a beautiful nose.

You know, how fucking dare you?!

- Yeah, I'm sorry.

- What?!

- I'm sorry.

I'm sorry that I complimented you.

It was very insensitive of me.

- Yes!

It was a crap line.

- Aye.

- Without a hint of originality!

Crap men are one thing, but crap lines are unforgivable!

- Okay, okay, look, the whole thing was a line.

All of this was a line, you know?

I saw you rowing with, ah, monopoly-

- Ludo.

- Yeah, with him, okay?

And I thought, well, you know, she is very, very fit,

and very, very vulnerable, and I am very, very horny.

So yeah, you're right.

- I know I'm right.

- So, you are.

- I know.

- So how did I do?

- Shit.

- Well, you can't blame me for trying.

- And you can't blame me for telling you to fuck off.

- No.

- So go on then.

- Well, ah, you didn't scream.

- You're right.

- I am.

- Let's do it.

- Do it? What are you saying?

- I'm saying I wanna fuck you.

- Wait, you're saying that you want-

- Yeah, I wanna fuck you.

- You're saying that- - I wanna fuck you.

- Well, you need to stop saying that.

Because now you're really confusing me.

I wasn't coming over here to ask you if you want to-

(sighing)

I was just gonna ask you if you wanted

to go out for a drink.

- Yeah, and I've just told you that I want

to fuck you. - To fuck me, yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, oh...

Do you?

- As a rule, I like not to ask more than a dozen times.

- Yeah, ah, okay, okay.

What, really?

- I wanna have sex with you.

- With me?

- Yeah, I wanna fuck you.

- You're not being mental again?

So wait, what you're saying, all these, the lines

that I did, those crap lines, they,

well, actually they all worked.

- No, they were shit. - Oh.

- In fact, if you'd said nothing,

I might have fucked you earlier.

- Jesus.

- I thought, for a moment, that you might interest me,

but no, it was nothing.

- That's wonderful.

- Well, we'll see what it is.

Come on.

- Well, ah, what, now?

Okay, right, well, where do you live,

because I'm like a bus ride away from-

- Here.

- Here?

What, now?

- Right here.

- Here?

- There.

(stammering)

Fuck, can you do this?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure.

It's a bit stuck.

A bit stuck.

- You wanna do this, right?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, wait, wait, wait!

(uptempo music)

Oh, yeah!

What?

- You can fuck off.

You bore me.

(growling)

- What, no.

(shouting and barking)

What do you want from me?!

(uptempo music)

- I've often wondered about Cheryl and Brian.

- Who?

Ah, yes.

- Do you think they were happy?

- Well, who knows?

At least they were together.

- Ah, is that happiness?

Well, I suppose we'll never know about them.

- Well, I think they met during the war.

And he went off to fight in France,

and she stayed behind in London,

slaving away in the munitions factories,

both of them wondering when or if they would see

one another again; an intense and terrifying start,

which propelled them through the hardships

and the difficulties and on.

You know, like a fully taut bow and arrow.

The greater the tension before it launches,

the further it goes.

Well, I think love's like that, and I've always felt

Cheryl and Brian achieved great distance because of it.

- Other people's stories are always fascinating.

Have you achieved great distance?

- Well, we have now.

She's dead and I'm in Cricklewood.

- Oh, I'm sorry.

- No, no, it's okay.

Has a wonderful dentist.

- Cricklewood?

- Oh, heaven!

- But such very long waiting lists.

(laughing)

- Yes.

What about you?

- Tommy died five years ago.

43 years of marriage.

- Oh, well done.

- He was a sweet man, a very sweet man.

But this bench was my little secret.

I never came here with him in all those years.

There was a time in the early '80s where he thought

I was having an affair, because I wouldn't tell him

where this place was.

Oh, I used to tell him I was visiting my son.

Anything just to get here.

It was always important to me to have my little place,

my little bench, my little view.

- You had a son?

- Yes, oh, he's in his 40's now.

Eddie.

- Oh.

Well, that's my name.

So, why here, why this bench?

- There was a boy.

We were 17, we only met twice.

We met here.

I was engaged to Tommy, he was engaged to, ah,

I don't remember her name, and things,

they were different times.

- Theresa.

- [Iris] What?

- The woman he was engaged to,

she was called Theresa.

(sombre music)

- And he was called Eddie.

- And she was called,

Iris.

(sombre music)

(splashing)

(jaunty music)

- He's not your type.

- How would you know?

You're my partner; it's not the same thing at all.

- He is.

(laughing)

- You're not wrong there.

Why you always reading?

- Why?

- Yeah, why?

- You know what, Billy, you should read some more.

You might learn something about yourself.

- There's nothing I need to learn about myself

that he couldn't teach me.

- Fair point.

(laughing)

- I met this guy the other night.

- Oh yeah. - He had one of those smiles.

- What, the sort that says: I have no self-respect?

- No, the sort that says: I'll give you

the best blowjob you've ever had.

- Oh, that one.

And did he?

- Come on, there are rules.

- Oh, the rules.

- There's gotta be rules, Bri.

- You dirty bastard.

- You fucking love it.

Look, I've been thinking.

- I told you, two's company.

- I know, and three's a night out, but it's not about that.

- We're not talking about sex?

- [Billy] No.

- Christ, they said this day would come,

I just didn't believe them.

You're finally gonna let me have a garden?

- Look, I'm not spending the rest

of my days in The Good Life.

- Oh, The Good Life.

You know, when I was a kid,

I used to really fancy Penelope Keith.

- Margot?!

- Yes, aye, she's got a touch

of the Maggie Thatchers about her.

- Oh, you were such a confused child.

- Don't tell me you fancied Richard Briars?

- Oh, don't be sick.

Felicity Kendal every time.

- Fuck off! (laughing)

- No seriously.

I mean, those dungarees, man!

I swear, if I met her today, I'd still love to have a go.

Anyway, you should spend less time being nostalgic.

- Nothing wrong with nostalgia.

- A little bit maybe,

but you can be nostalgic about breakfast.

- I told you: you should read more.

- Penelope Keith?

What a minger!

- Yeah, well, let's face it,

we never had the same taste in women.

(sighing)

So what were you thinking?

- [Billy] When?

- Just now, you said you'd been thinking.

Or has that thought already nestled itself

in one of the cavernous, empty corners of your mind?

Imagine the millions of tiny thoughts

that must be scrabbling around,

looking for a way out before their last, gasping breath

finally deserts them, and they become another distant memory

of something that was once a half-decent idea.

- You should read less.

- I know.

I promise, as soon as you commit to me for life,

I absolutely will.

(pensive music)

- Yes, yes, yes, yes!

Come to daddy.

- [Man's Voice] Come on, mate.

What do you reckon?

- [Man In Suit] Jesus Christ!

- [Man's Voice] A bit of a monster, eh?

Come on.

- Oi, oi, oi, oi, no.

No, no means no.

- [Man's Voice] You're the one who walked here

with his dick hanging out.

- [Man In Suit] That's because I need a piss.

- [Man's Voice] Well, go somewhere else.

Some of us have sex here.

- Christ!

(muttering)

(uptempo music)

Where the hell have you been?

- Well, I think I get to ask the questions.

- Dirty little-

- Aren't you?

Hello.

(laughing)

- Where's Eve?

- She's coming.

- I still need to piss.

- You don't have to pretend to me.

It's the 21st century.

It doesn't have the stigma it used to have.

- Very funny.

Give us a kiss.

You've always been the greatest kisser.

- Thanks, you're not so bad yourself.

It's a shame your little friend never found out.

- Okay, we can drop that now, please.

Any time you'd like.

Come on, Eve, daddy needs a wee-wee.

- Go and find another hedge.

- No chance, no way!

God, you know, I fail to see how some men

can find sex with men in any way appealing.

I struggle to see how women can.

- You underestimate your immense sexual magnetism.

- I'm not the only one.

- Oh, poor baby; not getting any?

(laughing)

Look, before Eve gets here, I brought the papers.

And you?

- Yeah.

- Decree absolute.

Feels very final.

- Isn't that the point?

- I suppose so.

- Do you, Sarah Louise Williams,

hereby agree to never laying any claim

to the life and emotions of this man,

Peter Brian Maxwell?

- I do.

And do you, Peter Brian Maxwell,

hereby consent to never ringing up this woman,

Sarah Louise Williams, after you've had a few beers,

and are in desperate need of a one-cup?

(sighing)

- I do, I do, I do.

Christ, that hurt.

- Well, maybe we could break the rules once in a while.

- Oh, just one?

What about Saturdays, when, oh-

- Daddy!

Daddy. - Hey!

Hello, gorgeous!

How's my little princess?

- Mommy bought me a brand new bicycle.

- Wow!

Is it wonderful?

- It's the best bicycle in the world.

- Well, that's what happens when mommy's and daddy's

get divorced: the children always get lovely presents.

- I like your divorce, daddy.

I think mommy is much happier.

- Is she?

Well, so is daddy.

Which makes you a very lucky little girl.

- Why am I lucky?

- Well, because you have a mommy and a daddy who are,

who are very happy.

Bet none of your friends can say that.

- I love you mommy, but I want two mommy's like Amy.

(laughing)

- Do you know what a dyke is?

What?

It's a dyke, a dam, well, it's a big hill.

Holes, lots of water.

Water, do you know what?

Can we walk a little bit, love,

because daddy really needs to find a toilet.

- She's seven.

- Yeah, dyke, dam, damn's not a nice word.

- Oh, come on.

- Damn, damn, damn this, damn that.

- Wow, every Wednesday.

- For nearly 50 years.

- Shall we, ah...

- Shall we what?

- Well, I don't know.

We could, ah...

- What?

- Attack the summit, hm?

- Gosh.

It's a long time since-

- Me too.

(sombre music)

- So, how does it feel?

- It feels like I haven't pissed in a month.

- No, I meant about being divorced.

- Oh, yeah.

It feels good.

- [Sarah] I knew.

- Knew what?

- We were married for the wrong reasons.

What was it about us tying the knot

that just stopped everything?

- I think we just ran out of things to say.

And it often happens in every relationship.

Some people get to the point where they say things like:

I've met someone else.

Or: I just can't do this anymore.

And I went for: will you marry me?

And you went for yes.

The wedding didn't stop anything.

It had stopped years before.

We both knew that.

But, that wedding night, though.

Oh, that was something else, you animal!

(laughing)

- I was angry.

I mean, well, nothing beats angry sex.

- Yeah, I was furious.

- You're not joking.

- Yeah, you see, that's where we went wrong.

I've worked it all out, spent a lot of time thinking

about it on the loo.

The thing is, we got married and then we got wound up.

And we should have got angry much earlier. (growling)

- You're insane.

- No, I'm happy.

And I haven't had sex in a year.

- A year, who was that?

- It was you.

There was only you.

- I know.

Shame sex isn't enough.

- Yeah, shame indeed.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, come to daddy!

Yes, yes, yes!

No, no!

Was it here you dropped it, yeah?

I can't find it, no.

It's gone, no, no, no.

(laughing)

Oh, bollocks, no.

I hate beautiful girls!

I mean, if she'd been ugly I could have just peed.

- I love the fact I know nothing about men's minds.

- No, never overestimate us.

- Oh, I don't.

My mother told me something once when I was a child.

The only thing she ever truly did tell me.

She said: if you want to know the way to a man's heart,

it's simple.

- Yeah, through his stomach.

- Through his shirt, with a bread knife.

(laughing)

- Ouch.

- This is for you, daddy!

- Oh, thank you baby.

Hm.

- Pete, there is one thing I would like to know.

- Oh, look, we're fickle, sexually frustrated liars,

who think that settling down

is the same thing as settling for.

- No, I mean about us.

- Oh?

- Well, you're still the most attractive man

I've ever met, you make me laugh,

you're a great dad, you earn good money.

And yet I still know you're wrong.

- Well.

- Well what?

- Look, I have no idea what's right for you.

Or for that matter, what's right for me.

- Maybe I'm too picky.

- No, don't be too hard on yourself.

We both know that we know nothing.

- Except one thing.

- What?

- That we both want this divorce.

- Except that.

Ah, yeah!

- [Man's Voice] How you doing, big man?

- No.

For god's sake.

(serene music)

Oh yeah, oh!

(satisfied vocalising)

Hallelujah, hallelujah!

(laughing)

(groaning)

- Better?

- Oh yeah, better.

(laughing)

- Love you.

- I love you, too.

Come on, baby.

Come on, here we go.

Give mommy a kiss.

And you get to spend the day with daddy!

Hey now, don't run, don't run.

(murmuring)

- [Eve] Come on!

- [Peter] Not too far!

(pensive music)

- It was a beautiful day.

I wanted a big do, but Tommy found all that embarrassing,

so we ended up with a few friends in the old Civic Court,

in Belsize Park.

- Oh God, I used to play darts in there.

We had a huge wedding.

Church reception, all the trappings.

I've always liked a do.

- I'm finding this very odd.

- Isn't it?

- You know, I can really see you now.

You have the same, that thing you do

with the corner of your mouth.

- Maybe it would have been better if we'd, you know,

died not knowing.

- Knowing what?

- Can I tell you something?

- Should we stop walking, or is this something

that I can take in my stride?

- No, no, no.

No, momentum plays a great part in my life,

and I'd very much like to get to the top of that summit.

- I think you're right.

If we stop now, we might need a push.

(chuckling)

So what was it you wanted to tell me?

- You've always been my perfect woman.

- You stopped.

- I know.

- I think that was because I wasn't real.

- But you are now.

- Well, they do say you should

never come face to face with fantasy.

- Wednesdays and Thursdays.

You know, I can't believe this is the first time

that I got the day wrong, and was it fate?

Was it planned like this?

I mean, why, why do you think?

- So that for 50 years, you could be 17 and handsome.

- Do you think we're ever going to get to the top?

You know, up there where the kites live?

- Oh, it'd be silly not to try.

I mean, on a day like this.

I used to spend a lot of time up there,

but it suddenly got steeper.

I think it was sometime in the early '90s.

- Yes, yes, that's right.

Did they do it deliberately, do you think,

so us oldies would have to put up with the inferior view?

- Well, I should like to defeat them.

(wry laugh)

- Right, give me a few steps.

Let me get into my rhythm.

(peaceful music)

(smooth jazz music)

(phone ringing)

- Hello, now where might you be?

- [Woman's Voice] Were you just looking at that girl?

- Yeah.

- [Woman's Voice] Do you think she was nice?

- Yeah, she was, very nice.

Where the hell are you?

You're late; I booked you for three o'clock.

- [Woman's Voice] Well, I'm a busy girl.

- Are you spying on me?

- [Woman's Voice] Maybe.

- Okay, I'm busted. Where are you?

Hello?

Hello?

- I've only been away a week,

and already you're window-shopping.

(laughing)

- Come here, you gorgeous thing.

It's good to see you.

- You too.

- Are we walking or sitting?

- Let's see.

I'm feeling a walk.

- Okay.

- So how was the funeral?

- It went very well.

My grandfather always used to say to me:

you stay in the game long enough,

the cards will eventually turn up.

The lottery of life.

- Sounds like a wise man.

- He was.

And he was killed by the thing he loved.

Great way to go; shame it was a train.

But he died happy.

I just hope he got the number.

(chuckling)

- Have you ever thought about it?

- What?

- How you'd like to die?

- Have you?

- Oh god, yes.

I've narrowed it down to two exits.

Peacefully in my sleep,

or drowned in a Jacuzzi after an overdose of champaign,

poured down my throat by Thierry Henry.

(laughing)

- You be careful what you wish for.

- I'm safe, he's married.

- He's a footballer.

- He's not the affair type.

- He's a French footballer.

- Anyway, you haven't answered my question.

- What?

- Have you thought about it?

- Actually, I have.

- Well?

- Murdered by a jealous husband.

Now, stop being morbid.

Do you want a cigarette?

- I quit.

- When?

- At mom and dad's; they don't know I smoke.

- How old are you?

- Well, that's not the point.

It would upset them.

- But you're a-

- A what?

- A smoker.

- Well, I'm not anymore.

- Okay.

Do you mind if I smoke?

- No.

Can I bring up the H word?

- Oh, come on May.

- We need to go away.

When was the last time you had a holiday?

- I don't do holidays, you know that.

- I know, but I'm just thinking about you.

- Ta-da!

Two tickets, the Marriott Hotel on Spaniard's Beach in-

- Barbados!

- Yeah!

- How on Earth did I find you?

- I found you, remember?

(uptempo music)

(murmuring)

- Eve, why don't we go and get an ice cream?

- Again?

- Yeah, well, some days you need two ice creams.

(uptempo music)

And it just so happens, this is one of those days.

- There's more to life than thoughts.

There's actions.

- Oh, yeah.

And what sort of actions are playing on your mind?

- Kids.

- Kids?

- Kids.

- Do you think you could maybe not shout the word "kids"

while we're sitting here; people might think we're, ah,

teachers or something.

- I'm serious.

- So am I. Kids?

- Now you're doing it.

- As in you wanna talk about them or you wanna have them?

- I think I do, I think I really wanna have them.

- Billy, ah, you're gay.

- So are you.

It doesn't fucking matter anymore, we can adopt.

- I know we're legally allowed to adopt, but-

- But what?

- But,

I'm not ready.

- You're not ready?

You're in your 40s.

- Yeah, I know straight men in their 40s who aren't ready.

- Yeah, but that's different.

- How is it different?

- Well, it's not down to them.

- It's not down to them?

- No, it's the woman's choice.

A straight man can remove any sense of responsibility.

We don't have that luxury.

- That is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard,

and I've lived with you for 15 years!

- Look, I think they would be a great addition

to our relationship.

- You can't have kids to add to your relationship.

You have kids 'cause you wanna have kids.

- Exactly.

- Billy, they're not just for Christmas.

You know what you're like.

Yeah, you'll be bored within a month,

and sending them back to whatever

god-forsaken home they came from.

- Don't be ridiculous!

Look, I think they would be great for us.

- Yeah, but would we be great for them?

You see, why does nobody ever ask that question?

Honestly, I'm fed up with seeing people start families,

just because they can; what about the kids?

You know, what about what they want?

- Oh, you sound like Cliff Richards. Stop.

- I'm serious.

It's all: look at us, aren't we great for having a child?

Aren't we great for calling it Taramosalata?

Aren't we great for adding to the population of the world,

and filling it full of our insecurities and fears?

Aren't we great?

- Jesus!

- No, if there's one good thing about being gay,

it's that we are, by definition, environmentally friendly.

- And that's it, is it?

- Well no, we can also dress well without fear of ridicule.

- It might help me settle down.

- You're doing it again!

Let's have kids because it'll make my life better.

- Do you seriously think people should have kids

for purely altruistic reasons?

- Altruistic?

Have you been secretly reading my books?

- Look, we are all here because two people needed

something more in their life than what they had.

What's wrong with that?

My parents didn't speak to one another for a year

before I was born, and then I came along

and everything got better.

And they don't regret me coming along,

and I certainly don't.

I mean, admittedly, they haven't spoken to me

in over 10 years, but they didn't know

they were creating a sexual deviant.

- Your parents are cave-dwellers.

Yeah, they are a bad example.

- But look, my point is that I am the result

of truly selfish behaviour, and I'm fucking made up about it.

- I can see.

- I love you, Brian.

And I think having a child would be

an amazing expression of how I feel.

(scoffing)

I know that sounds a bit cliff.

- Yeah, I just think, you know,

there are enough parents in the world.

- Oh yeah, that's why they're closing down

all the orphanages.

- I love kids as much as anyone else.

I've got seven god-children, for fuck's sake!

- Yeah, you have seven god-children

because you can't have any of your own,

and people feel sorry for you.

- Do they? Bollocks.

They think it's cool to have a gay influence.

It's North London.

- Yeah, but all that would stop.

No more god-kids; you'd be a father!

- And what would you be?

- A father.

- Two fathers, what a nightmare!

- No, it's better than two mothers.

- That is sexist.

- You've met my mother.

- Fair enough.

We'd have to move.

- You're thinking about it.

- I think we'd have to move.

- But you don't think it's out of the question?

- I don't know what I think.

I think I'll have to have a think.

- Well, that's all I ask, Bri.

- You sure you wanna do this?

- No, I'm not sure.

It just keeps playing on my mind.

- You know, there are things to consider.

- Of course.

- One of us would have to give up work.

- Would we? Why?

- Well, of course, you can't bring up a baby

if you're both working.

- [Billy] Why? People do it all the time.

- Yeah, and look at the little wankers they produce.

No, I'm clear about that.

If you're gonna commit to having a child,

then one of you's got to stay at home.

- I had no idea you were so old-fashioned.

- No, I just don't believe you can do a good job

with a child if you're both as interested in your work.

It's just how I feel.

- Oh.

No, maybe you're right.

- It's just how I feel.

- So how much do you earn?

- You know how much I earn.

- Considerably less than me.

- Yeah.

- So then I suppose it would have to be you.

- You cannot make judgements on a financial basis.

That's ridiculous!

- You have to; I bring in almost twice what you do,

and if we're gonna be supporting a family,

then by your reckoning, you'd have to give up work.

- That's ridiculous!

- Why?

- Because work is about more than money.

It's about who you are.

- Well, who are you?

- I'm a restaurant critic.

- Oh, and I'm a financial advisor.

- Yeah, well I get more pleasure out of work,

so it should be you who gives up work.

- Now that's ridiculous.

Without my income, we would be

out of nappies within a fortnight.

- Yeah, but without my job I'd be out my mind in a week.

- No, it has to be about money.

If I stop working, how would we cope?

- I'd review more restaurants.

- It takes you almost a week to do one.

- Well, food is an art, Billy.

Something you will clearly never understand.

- No, I understand, I understand.

Your art is much more important than my,

what is it you call it?

- Crass pursuit of the impossible financial nirvana.

- You can be such a twat at times.

- Yeah, you can be a twat at others.

You know, we're suited.

- Are we gonna look into this or not.

- Yeah, if you give up your work.

- Well no way. I love what I do.

- Well so do I.

- I'd give up all that, that's what I'd give up.

- All what?

You would?

- I would.

I promise.

- So I give up my job and you give up the casual sex.

There's still a problem.

- What?

- I don't want kids.

I just want you.

- I want both.

- We'll see.

- Do you fancy an ice cream?

- Hm, yeah.

- Be back in a minute.

(sombre music)

- Tell me about your husband.

- Oh...

- I mean, if you want to.

- Well, what do you want to know?

- Well, I don't know.

What was he like?

- Well, he was decent.

No one had a bad word to say about him.

- Even you?

- Even me.

Tommy loved spending time.

He was never very big on plans for the future.

He said the future was nothing,

but what we had at any given moment was what we had.

- He was a regular philosopher then.

- I suppose he was, in a way.

I was more of a dreamer.

I liked him, mostly.

- Well, that's a big achievement.

You know, after all those years.

- And you liked Theresa.

- Yes, but I couldn't help wondering.

(pensive music)

- Me too.

- Albert Camus, L'Etranger?

(muttering)

Yeah, it's French, right?

Are you French?

- Yes, I am.

- Oh, you are French.

- Yes.

- Oh, I went to France once.

- Don't even think about it.

- Let me sit down- - Don't.

(muttering)

- Okay. - Go away, all right?

- I'll go then.

(speaking French)

I'm going.

- All right? - Yeah.

(speaking French)

I'm going, I'm gone, okay, all right, all right, all right!

You look nice though, when you're angry.

(speaking French)

(uptempo music)

- I saw a film once.

It was one of those boy meets girl,

boy loves girl, boy marries girl,

girl meets another boy, girl leaves boy,

boy goes mad, and boy kills other boy and girl,

and then boy goes to prison, kind of film.

It was all very stressful.

- Sounds it.

I'm not sure I get the point.

- Well, I don't know, but I think I find a certain comfort

in not being that boy.

- Or that girl.

- It's all extremely complicated.

Tommy was right, it's a minefield.

I think maybe it's good.

You know, things that are completely impossible

to understand, all the best things in life

are utterly indecipherable.

I mean, Tommy loved collecting first aid covers.

I would ask him: what is it about coloured envelopes

that so intrigued him?

He could never explain it.

He said he liked them because they kept on coming,

and his collection got bigger.

It baffled me for years.

And then there came a point when I began to look forward

to them arriving almost as much as he did.

You see, once you commit yourself to something,

however bizarre it may seem to other people,

you kind of owe it to yourself to enjoy the experience.

(sighing)

I hope it's all been worth it.

All those choices we make.

You see what we've done?

We've talked about our partners.

I didn't think we'd do that, you know, if we met.

(tranquil music)

(murmuring)

- Well, this should, ah...

- Do it?

- Well.

- Yes.

Should.

Perfect, yeah.

(laughing)

- Oh, I rather assumed that, if you don't-

- What is it?

- Chateauneuf-du-Pape '93.

- Good year.

- Do you think?

- Oh, I don't know.

(instrumental music)

(squeaking)

- Oops.

- Oh.

(laughing)

- Shall I be mummy?

- Why not?

- Let's hope it lives up to its billing.

- What is its billing?

- Well, I'm led to understand that this particular year

is light on the palate, a little oaky,

but with an affectionate aftertaste. (chuckling)

(murmuring)

- Thank you.

(clinking)

Cheers.

Hm.

Very smooth.

- Eh?

- Why yes.

Do you not think?

- Smooth, indeed.

Cheese?

- Yes, please.

Although I should probably keep a close eye on it,

at my age.

- I know what you mean.

Oh, I didn't mean I know what you mean about

you having to keep a close, I mean, I do as well.

Not that you do.

No, I just put on weight walking past a boulangerie.

- A boulangerie?

- Sorry, it's French for: bakery.

- Yes, I know.

Jeremy was telling me about your book collection.

- Was he?

- Yes.

He says you can get hold of any book in print,

with 48 hours notice.

- Yes, well, I'm not a collector, I'm a dealer.

- Oh, a dealer?

- Yes, I buy and sell books.

Jeremy likes to pretend to himself

that it's some sort of hobby of mine or something.

- He did speak very highly of your collection.

- Yes, well, just his little joke, I suppose.

How about you?

- Me?

Oh, I work for a charity.

Very worthy.

- Isn't it?

I'm sorry, I was just agreeing with you.

- Do you agree with everyone?

- No, of course not.

- I was being self-deprecating, but as it happens,

charity work is very hard and very worthwhile.

- Yes, must be.

What sort of people do you help?

- What sort of people?

- Yes, I mean, ah, poor people, starving people,

Black people?

- Black people?

- Yes.

- You think Black people need help?

- Well.

- I think you might need some help.

- That's very possibly true, but I meant African.

I'm not, I meant Africans, not Black people as a race.

You're wondering whether I was just being racist.

- No, not whether; why?

- Is that racist?

- It is.

- So tricky nowadays, don't you think?

- Tricky?

- I mean, last week I was told off for referring

to my lovely news agent as: coloured.

- Instead of Asian?

- Asian, no; he's black.

- I think you may have been racist.

- Do you?

- Assuming he was Asian, because he was a news agent,

when in fact he's from Somalia.

(instrumental music)

- My mother was asking me about work.

- Uh-huh.

- I said it was good.

She didn't believe me.

She's convinced I have no idea who I am, or what I want.

- All mothers think like that.

It's what connects them to their children.

- I mean, I know she doesn't really understand what I do,

but she won't let it go.

- She has no idea what you do?

- No.

All she needs to know is that I love what I do.

- My point exactly.

But she's proud of you.

- How do you know?

- Well, you told me.

- Hey, I tell you a lot of things.

I'm like that.

- And that's why I love you.

- I know.

- Excuse me, mate, can I get a light, please?

- Yeah, sure.

- Very nice.

- I'm sorry.

- I said: very nice.

- What's very nice?

- She, she looks very nice.

- Don't you wanna fuck off?

(stammering)

- How dare you fucking talk to me like that?

Go on, fuck off!

- Ah, I was,

I'm not having a very good day today.

I'm sorry.

- Just leave.

Can you believe that?

What would make someone think it's remotely okay

just to walk up to a man and say:

your girlfriend is very nice?

Very nice?

Unbelievable.

There should be a law.

- Oh, I've missed you, Louie.

- Yeah?

You too.

(pensive music)

(relieved sighing)

- After finally climbing this infernal hill

after all those years of thinking about it,

what you're saying is the view is better from where we were?

- Well, on reflection, yes.

- I think you're right.

It may not be as high, but it did seem clearer.

- I mean, maybe it's just what we're used to.

I've never been a fan of change.

- Never been a risk-taker.

- Apparently not.

- I'll never be Thierry Henry, you know.

- But that's good.

It means you'll never be responsible

for my champaign-infused death.

- Why do you like me, Vesta?

- Why?

- Yeah, why did you miss me?

What is it about me that makes you pleased to see me?

- Are you fishing for compliments?

- No, I'm asking for one.

- Okay.

I like you because you're honest.

- Mm-hm.

- I like you because you know how to listen,

and you know when not to.

I like you because when you take my hand,

and when you touch my neck,

you're not just touching, you're,

I don't know, I like you.

- Do you wanna know why I like you?

- I don't know.

I think sometimes it's good to never quite know.

It's good to guess.

- What, keeps it interesting?

- Which is the most important thing in any relationship,

no matter what kind.

- So you don't wanna know why I like you?

- Well, of course I do; do you think I'm mad?

- Good, because I'm gonna tell you.

- Go on.

- I like you because you don't try and change me.

You just let me be myself.

- Is that it?

- That's it.

- Well, there's nothing about my wonderful sense of humour?

My long legs?

My sensitive touch, my witty repartee?

- Well, those are the reasons I love you.

We're talking about like.

- What?

- It's much easier to love someone than it is to like them.

- Okay.

Yeah, I get it.

Those things I said, they're why I love you.

They're not why I like you.

- Okay.

- Do you want to know why I like you?

- No, I think I know.

- I think you do.

- When do I see you next?

- You tell me.

We're not done yet, are we?

- I'm sorry; I've got things I need to sort out.

- And it's 150 now.

The agency changed the rates.

- Worth every penny.

- I can't wait for Barbados.

- I can't wait for next time.

- Maybe we could have sex.

- That's not how this works.

- I know.

(pensive music)

- So you never married?

- Nope.

- I was married.

- Yes.

- It was the most wonderful three

and a half months of my life.

- Three and a half months?

- Well, you've got to give it a chance.

(laughing)

So has there never been anyone?

- Oh yes, I'm not a...

(laughing)

- Oh, relax, I'm talking about love, not sex.

Have you ever been in love?

- No.

- Never?

Not even as a teenager?

- No, absolutely not. (chuckling)

Does that seem a little odd?

- Odd?

Well.

A little, yes.

- I suppose it is.

I mean, everywhere I look people seem to be falling in love

or talking about it or claiming it.

- Hm, playing it out.

- Playing it out?

I like that.

- Do you think I could have another?

I think it is living up to its billing, after all.

(laughing)

- I'm glad.

- I never wanted children.

- Children?

- Yes.

- Children?

- Yes, they're sort of small adults

that we love and adore until they grow up and leave us.

- Yeah, me neither.

I hated being one, and I've never met one

who can hold down a decent conversation.

- Oh, indeed.

I've never met a parent that can, either.

I've always hated what happens to my friends

when they become parents.

- Jeremy, for one.

- Oh, god yes. (laughing)

Jeremy!

- They invited me around for dinner the other night,

and I was back home by 8:30.

(laughing)

- Is it me,

or is their son the spitting image

of that little chap from Fantasy Island?

- The plane, boss!

(laughing)

- Yes, that's it!

(laughing)

- You're so right, I knew he reminded me of someone.

I was always veering towards Danny Devito.

(laughing)

- Yes, I can see that.

- I mean, could you love Danny Devito?

(laughing)

- I'd like to have a child.

- Me too.

- They're strange, aren't they?

- Well, Jeremy's is.

(wry laughing)

- No, blind dates.

- Oh, yeah.

- This is my first.

- Really?

(murmuring)

How old are you?

- How old?

- Sorry, that is a terrible, terrible question.

- It's fine.

- I'm 43.

- I'm 41.

- Well, you,

you have time.

- I think we both know that's something I don't have.

You have some time.

- Some.

Shall we,

walk, or?

- Walk?

- We don't have to.

- No, no, no, no.

A walk would be, ah...

A walk,

would be great, yes.

- You know what?

I oughta get back to the shop soon.

- Really?

Oh, what about the walk?

- Very nice meeting you.

- Oh, you too.

Are you okay?

- Okay, yeah.

I'm fine.

Time just seemed to run away with me.

- With us.

- Hm.

Bloke with sunglasses and a blazer and she's off.

Anyone that comes along, really.

Anyone but me.

(pensive music)

- Well, I'll tell you something.

The view may be slightly disappointing,

but it's been nice to spend some time

up here with the kites.

- Hasn't it?

- You know, I think Tommy was right all along.

No point in wishing your life away

with your head in the clouds.

And I think the walk has done us both good.

- So how about a dance?

- I don't think you're the person I thought you were.

- Oh?

- No, it's a good thing.

You've surprised me.

- Well, I don't know what to think about that.

- No, really it's fine.

It's just that...

Look, I'm no dancer, never have been.

- Oh, me neither.

Maybe we could just have a cup of tea?

- Now?

- Well, I could break the habit of a lifetime,

come here on a Wednesday.

You know, take a chance.

- Eddie?

- Yeah?

- You know, I think I might change my routine as well.

I think I might visit Tommy's grave on Wednesday.

We had a good time.

I never realised that.

- Well, I've always felt that Thursdays

have a better feel about them, anyway.

You know, back of the week broken and all that.

I mean, I'd very much like to.

You know, there are other hills to climb.

Heath's a huge place.

Endless possibilities.

(uptempo music)

(panting)

- So it's just you and me.

I know.

I know.

(sniffing and panting)

(muttering)

I love you, too.

(uptempo music)

(sniffing and panting)

You cheeky bugger.

Come here.

(uptempo music)