Original subtitles

Ladies and gentlemen, if I may have your attention.

The beloved founder of the flying Sabatinis,

formerly of the famed Fantastic Sabatinis,

and originator of six Sabatinis of his own,

in this... his last performance.

"Dry your eyes.

No man minds if a beautiful girl wipes off her tears with his shirt.

Today it is my last wish

that you all remember me, Max Sabatini,

as I lived, and not as I died."

Damn.

Oops, I'm late.

"So, in this, my symbolic final trip across the wire,

Lazlo, my loyal friend and protégé,

shall perform for Max Sabatini.

When a mother calls her son a bastard...

you can take her word for it."

Foster, Max told me to give you this note.

- "I learned this as a young man... - Now?

- He said "at the grave.” - from my father,

"who learned it from his father before him,

-"who learned it from his father..." "Foster,

the plaid sports jacket would've been much better. Love, Max."

"Always remember, God gives one

a leather bottle full of gold.

The devil gives a golden bottle full of shit.

Love, Max"

You've all been called here today

to hear the last will and testament of Max Sabatini,

your father... your dear friend... and mine.

Now, are there any questions at all before I begin?

Just get on with it, Jules.

"Sad as I am to disband the Sabatini Circus,

the money from its sale is to be divided between my daughters and you,

all my dear friends...

for my only son Foster chose long ago to abandon the circus of his father,

and his father's father, and his father's father."

For Christ's sake, Jules, could you just get on with it?

"So, trusting that once burned, Foster will find it in his heart

to not let me down in my grave,

I am entrusting him with my three most valuable possessions.”

- What? - To him?

- What? - I can't believe it!

"Foster, my beloved son and heir, I leave my three babies.

Rusty, Tiga and Poppy."

"Most valuable possessions!”

The apes? What am I supposed to do with the apes?

Open your own circus!

Please, a little respect.

"And to assure Foster's being able to care for my babies,

- Lazlo shall go with him." - Lazlo?

"An annual stipend shall cover any and all expenses incurred.”

- Ever seen those apes... - Poop?

"To my trusted attorney, Jules Cohen,

Foster will periodically receive my instructions

as to the details of this bequest,

and for his caring and loving them as I have for two full years."

I give him two minutes!

Terrific. Look, Jules, I don't want the filthy beasts.

"I know he will love them as I have.

I therefore bequeath my only son Foster my entire estate of five million dollars!"

He did it to get even. He never forgave me for leaving the circus.

Did I ever tell you about the times as a child he carried me up

on the wire with him? He used to drop me into the net.

The first time he didn't tell me there was a net.

- I never thought Max was a cruel man. - To him it was all a big joke!

All the Sabatinis dropped their kids from three stories.

His father and his father's father. Hey, be careful.

Don't mix up the Babe splinters with ones from The Cross.

- You mean it matters? - Very funny.

Foster... listen, maybe if you just talked to your sisters,

you could work out some sort of exchange with them.

Are you kidding?

They'd be so happy to see me buried up to my neck in camel caca.

Foster.

What are you gonna do about the orangutans?

I know what you're thinking.

That I have no integrity because I dropped out of two colleges.

Three.

And you believe I'm undependable and cheap and can't hold down a job. Admit it.

Well I don't need Max Sabatini's money.

I mean, It's not as though I don't have a going business right here.

I mean, I've been happy without sick love maxims,

without the circus, and without Max Sabatini.

Would you give me a hand with this desk?

- Desk? - Gotta make room for them God damn cages.

Tiga! Tiga, I gotta get you past Zabrowski, so cool it.

Tiga, he's gonna hear you. Please!

What's doing with all the clumping

- and banging-- - Goddammit. Mr. Zabrowski!

All's well, Mr. Zabrowski!

Everything's fine. It's just a little heavy.

I suppose you want some help. - No. No.

Everything's under control. I won't need any help.

I can do it just fine myself. All is well, Mr. Zabrowski.

Yeah? What's in the box?

Antiques! My father, he sent me some very valuable antiques.

- Fragile. - Antiques?

Yeah. Well, they've been in the family for years.

They stink!

Yeah, well, they're very old.

- I hope you'll be happy, Foster. - Will you stop?

I told you, it'll just be until I can figure out a way

to change Max's will a little.

Call me someday and tell me about it.

- I'll send a cab for my things. - Won't you just stay and meet them?

Sure, why not? I'm a good sport.

Great! Which one do you wanna meet first?

- Aren't they all the same? - No way. You're gonna love 'em.

Okay, Rusty, come on out, little guy.

This is Rusty. He's the male.

- There are three of them? - No, the others are bigger.

Tiga!

Tiga, meet Cynthia.

- Pleased to meet you. - Tiga, please! Meet Cynthia!

Go on, get outta here.

Hey, okay. Cynthia, meet Poppy. This is Poppy. Poppy, meet Cynthia.

Poppy, meet Cynthia!

Thanks.

- Don't tell me they can write! - No, I think it's from Jules.

It's from Max!

- Max is dead. - I told you he'd haunt me.

Well, read it!

It says not to read it in front of...

- In front of what? - In front of them.

Come on now!

"The chicken of love has often crawled from the egg of pity.

Now you have my babies. Will you take them as I have

with generosity, love and affection?

Be advised that if for any reason

any of the orangutans should get sick or, God forbid, die,

you'll forfeit the inheritance

and the entire five million will go to the zoological society,

who have promised to house and feed the survivors,

and then when they pass on... to stuff them." Poppy?

Hey, what are you guys doing? Watch out!

Nobody's gonna stuff you!

Foster, stop them!

- Help! Foster! - I'm gonna kill you guys!

No, I mean, I'm not!

Poppy! Tiga, no! Tiga! Damn it, stop it!

- Cut it out! - Oh, my God!

Cynthia, wait!

Cynthia!

"If you don't close the door in the evening,

you can't open it in the morning. Love, Max-a."

We have to decide what to do about the Sabatini legacy.

What's there to decide?

We don't get one penny

unless Max Sabatini's son fails to fulfill his duties.

And from what I understand is--

Well, only one of the damn beasts has to die

- for him to lose the five million. - Are you sure?

- How's their health? - Disgustingly excellent.

Sabatini fed them with...

On. Fed them on organic bananas.

Well, you can always have them, you know, bumped off.

Brandon, how dare you? How could you suggest such a thing?

The walls have ears.

What Gridley's saying is, "Don't talk about it, do it!"

"Do it?" Do it!

Well... "it" costs money.

Jesus Christ!

Hey, listen, Tiga, you gotta understand something.

There are moments a person needs to himself around here.

You hear that?

This room's off limits to you guys.

Okay, where's the rest of the zoo? Everybody out.

No way. There will be no walks until after breakfast.

I haven't even had my coffee yet. No! N-O, no!

Poppy, that's not for you. I haven't read...

Hey, listen, if you guys are gonna live here,

you're gonna have to learn a few rules. Poppy? Poppy, I said...

Who turned off the coffee? Tiga, I like coffee. I drink coffee.

And I don't care what Max does-- did.

Rusty, get up! Come on, damn it! I'm in no mood.

Rusty?

Lazlo? Lazlo?

Damn it.

Oh, no!

Let's see.

Rusty!

It's me! Why did you lock the door?

I didn't want any drafts.

Thank God you're here. You would not believe--

Foster. I told you I need some time alone and away.

- You promised! - I know I promised. I know I promised.

But this is an emergency! Did you see Zabrowski out there?

No. Foster, the man lives here. You're gonna have to tell him.

You can't hide this zoo for two years.

I'll tell him, I'll tell him. When the time is right.

We're in trouble. His temperature's 117 degrees.

Foster, that's impossible! He'd be dead!

- They're very suggestible. - Foster, they're animals!

Rusty.

His temperature just hit 135 degrees. Should we bury him now?

What?

Foster, I hate to tell you, but Rusty is a fake.

Now see what you've done? I told you he was very suggestible.

Besides, you haven't even heard him sneeze yet.

There, you see? Did you bring the chicken soup?

I wasn't sure whether he wanted matzo balls or kreplach,

- so I brought both. - No, no, I'll take both.

Excuse me a minute.

My good boy, Rusty!

See? Isn't it fantastic what a little chicken soup will do?

I told you, I don't care how much money you got.

I ain't interested.

- I don't do that no more. - We don't do it no more.

I'm telling you, it ain't the same thing. These ain't people. They're apes!

I got eight years... for the last gorilla I rubbed.

- Hey, Joey, how you eatin', huh? - I'm eatin' good.

- Look at the calamari. It's delicious! - No, I mean how you pa yin' your bills?

I got friends.

They owe me favors. You know what I mean?

Yeah, you know what I mean?

All right, look, I'll make it 3,000, all right?

Pass me the butter.

Hey, you know, 3,000 dollars is a lot of money, huh, Joe?

Bad Habit...

Listen, God damn it. I'm telling you, it's a cakewalk! I could do it myself!

- Yeah? Then why don't you? - Yeah, why don't you?

I'll make it 5,000.

- But you gotta do it with us. - You got to do it with us, that's right.

All right. I will.

But you can't tell nobody, all right?

Salud.

Yeah. Salute.

For the life of me, Cynthia, I don't understand what you see in him.

After all the private schools your father and I sent you to, you wind up with--

I haven't wound up with anyone. I wound down. I moved out.

Then why is my Dali sketch still hanging in his apartment?

Because I forgot it, that's why. And to be honest,

I don't really wanna go back.

My third husband gave me that sketch.

And I'm not leaving it to be destroyed by those beasts.

They're never left alone, Mother. Besides, he's got Lazlo.

- What's a Lazlo? - He came with the apes.

- Hey, Cynthia. You going up to Foster's? - Hi, Marvin. Yeah.

Would you mind taking a couple things up with you? I'm really running late.

Sure.

Thanks a bunch!

You're welcome.

By the way, the apes...

Don't say anything you don't want them to hear. They understand everything.

Great! Maybe somebody in this apartment can get a decent job.

"There is no woman without some hardness...

and no man without some softness.

Love Max-a."

Will you take care of Tiga?

- It's great to see you. - Foster, this is Fiona.

From now on, ring twice. Two short, one long.

Just out of curiosity, why?

- How do you do, Mrs. Goodwin? I'm Foster. - I wasn't sure.

It's Tiga. She's...

- she's still learning to deal with you. - To deal with me?

Yeah, well, she's...

Well, I guess there's only one way to say it, Cynthia. She's jealous.

Well, you just tell her that I don't want anything she wants.

I moved out. I hate fruit. And I never use sawdust for my toilet!

This is for you.

- H-- hey-- - Anything else we should know about?

You know, now that you mention it...

the wicker chair near the window? Poppy likes to sit in it.

So don't sit in the wicker chair while she's in it, right?

No. Ever.

- Ever? - Ever.

We gotta walk around here like we belong here.

The secret of this is to act inscapicuous.

- I know that. - Me, too.

What did you do?

What the hell is that?

Hey, don't break my shoes, huh? I'm a professional.

- I do my homework. - Yeah, we do our homework.

- Yo! - Hey!

Off the scaffold!

- Yeah? - Suntan lotion.

- -Okay. - Steady.

On what basis does she select the book she wants?

Never mind.

They're quite likable once you get to know their idiosyncrasies.

No, no. Just let her get to know you.

If you speak to her firmly, she'll respond, Mrs. Goodwin.

Firmly.

If you so much as touch this hat again, you bow-legged baboon,

I'll kick your hairy ass crimson.

Shut your furry face!

See?

Hey, Habit, start painting, huh?

- Yeah, I know. I'm okay. - We'll be off this thing in a minute.

Hey. What the hell is that thing?

Will you stop breakin' my chops, huh? Go to work.

I'm concentrating.

- It's a periscope. It's dope. - Great.

I got one.

Oh, this is fantastic. This is buck soup!

Attaboy. Now just don't move now.

- Let me look. - What's there to look?

- You told me any monkey. - I wanna look!

Oh, my!

Lazlo.

What, are you crazy? You're about to kill a lady!

- How can you tell the sex from over here? - It's a lady, dummy!

A stacked lady. She didn't look so stacked to me.

Fiona? Fiona, please, the chair, remember?

Gimme this thing over here.

I say we shoot this one.

Wait! No! Joey, I'm tellin' ya, that ain't no monkey!

Yeah? Well, if that ain't no monkey,

- then I'm a purple-ass baboon. - What?

Because that thing's got hair all over it.

No, wait, let me see.

Tell you what, Joey...

I'll look through this thing, and when I tell you to shoot,

you come shoot, okay?

No! Hey, I'm a professional here.

Either you trust me or you don't trust me.

- Look, now get outta my way. - Trust is one thing.

But I'm not gonna be caught up in any damn murder conspiracy,

you understand?

Hey, hey. Come on, guys. Now, cool it now. You're messin' up my whole job.

I have to hold on to you, I can't hold on!

- Don't let go, Joey! Don't let go. - I gotcha, I gotcha!

Let go. Let go. Let go. Come on.

What, are you crazy?

Help, help! Joey!

Give me a hand over here. Give me a hand. I can't hold you!

- You remembered the ring. Terrific. - What's the surprise?

- I made veal piccata. - That's the surprise?

Hey, wait a minute! You don't give a person a chance.

I mean, I thought we could do this kinda nice, you know,

after dinner and stuff.

Okay, dinner's over.

What's the surprise?

Don't let anyone ever kid you, you're no romantic.

That's right. What's the surprise?

Well, I wanted to do it first and then tell you about it.

- But if you gotta know-- - I gotta know.

I'm gonna talk to Jules.

- Max's lawyer? - Yeah.

I'm gonna offer him a million bucks to change the will.

To say that he found some hidden envelope that says Max changed his mind

- and that I don't have to keep the-- - Wait a minute.

You're gonna try to bribe Max's loyal best friend and attorney?

- That's your surprise? - Why not?

A million bucks ain't exactly chicken feed.

Foster, that's illegal! You could go to jail!

- Who would know? I mean, the man's human. - And you're crazy!

My mother was right, and she does love to be right.

Hey, wait a minute. I thought you'd be surprised.

It's funny, Foster. I must be crazy, too, 'cause you know what?

I am surprised!

You know, I really can't believe her, Poppy.

I mean, all she sees is her own reality.

I don't think it's that hard to understand.

You'd understand, wouldn't you?

I mean, I even made veal piccata. It's delicious! Try it.

Good, huh?

- Morning, Lazlo. How was the movie? - Foster--

Never mind. Forget it, forget it.

That girl. Three years of my life. Who'd have believed it?

Good lord, an Italian love story? I get it.

- Will you pick that crap up now? - No, no, no.

What?

- Lazlo, what's wrong? - The gramp! The gramp in my sword!

Will you stop it?

Verona...

is fruit head.

Veronal

Fru-- You mean Cynthia's mother, Fiona?

"The cows have more respect for the ugliest bull...

than the handsomest ox.

Love Max-a."

Hey! Nobody said you could do that.

Poppy, will you shut that off?

Poppy, cool it!

Hey, Lazlo, what's she looking at?

What the hell's the matter with you?

It's just hair, a little hair.

It's a hair.

Oh, Christ, so she was here. Look, damn it, she's a good friend.

Will you turn that off?

I said off!

Lazlo. Lazlo!

Lazlo, do something!

Mother, I thought you'd be ready.

I wanted to practice a few more kicks!

You're already a brown belt. Aren't you getting a bit carried away?

Just read the newspapers. I'm a black belt!

Congratulations.

How's P.T. Barnum? Have they climbed the Empire State Building yet?

Mother, I may not like Foster very much at the moment, but I do love him.

If you ever get to know him, you might love him, too.

Like a boa constrictor loves a mongoose.

I think that's a cobra.

You see, poison!

He wants me to dye my hair red.

Damn! Hand me a wrench.

I'm getting tired of these hassles.

Sneaking by Zabrowski's apartment like he's the warden.

- I mean, it's degrading. - No more sneaking!

Worse than Zabrowski, Cynthia doesn't understand.

- She's still pissed. And over nothing. - Pissed!

Just because I asked her to dye her hair red.

Holy shit!

Foster. Foster, Cindy.

Will you cut the crap?

- Between your movies and Max's-- - Cynthia! Something special.

Tall cost.

Buy.

- You mean buy her something... - No bread without yeast.

Aren't they exquisite?

- It's truly beautiful here. - Yeah.

I didn't wanna go to the park.

It's too close to the zoo.

- I loved the sushi. - Yeah?

Me, too.

Cynthia...

I wish you'd reconsider moving back in.

You just got me to walk back in. Don't push it.

You know... I made a decision.

- Yeah? - Yeah. I'm gonna do something. I am. I--

It's just gonna take a little longer to pull it off.

Honest? Honest.

Legal?

I want you to know I think you've been pretty terrific through this whole thing.

- I know it hasn't been any fun. - Well, I haven't done much.

But you have, really! It hasn't gone unappreciated either.

I think you've been really terrific.

Anyway...

I want you to-- I want you to have this.

Foster, they're-- they're elegant!

They're real antiques. Thank you! Must've cost a fortune. Thank you.

- Hey, you sure this is gonna work? - It'll work!

Because I'm gonna damn well make sure that it works.

Yeah, well, it better. I just got the word that we're runnin' out of time.

Yeah?

Well, I thought you told me that you said you didn't want no one to get hurt.

Yeah, thought you said you didn't want nobody to get hurt.

That was before.

Remember now, it's the first door next to the apes.

Wait a minute. You might not need those.

- You ready? - Yeah.

We're coming!

So, you've come! How wonderful!

Just as he said you would. Welcome! Welcome!

- I think we interrupted something. - No, you didn't.

Cameroon said, "Three angels in white shall appear before you."

- Cameroon? - My guide. My Indian guide.

But you must know him. He comes from whence you come.

Well, we don't come from Whency. We just came from the freight elevator.

- There was no Indian. - Look, lady, what I want--

- The angels in white. - We-- we ain't no angels.

Careful! Don't touch anything! We don't wanna leave any prints.

Listen, I don't like the feel of this place.

I don't care what you like. Get your ass in gear.

When these tanks blow, them monkeys gonna be nothin' but a memory.

Yeah, "tanks for the memory."

You see? I told you it wouldn't take long before they'd get to you.

I just can't bear to see any child suffer.

Don't you think you better get down from there?

- I mean, these floors are-- - No, it's great. Come on up.

Thank God for the horse races. Imagine, a whole day without Zabrowski.

Sooner or later Zabrowski's gotta find out.

Why not just go to him and explain?

Are you crazy? He just gave D'Angelo upstairs a warning for two goldfish.

And you can't even smell goldfish crap.

You mean Tiga the queen does that kind of thing?

Not so loud, she'll hear you.

- There's somebody lookin' at me. - Who?

I don't know, but they got brown eyes.

Joey! Jo--

- Joey. Joey! - Stop playing around and give me a hand.

Are you sure this gas is gonna ignite?

- What? - Are you sure the gas is gonna ignite?

Of course.

This time I didn't leave nothin' to chance.

Bad Habit stole these here from his mother's dentist.

Takin' two of 'em were his idea.

Yeah, it was my idea. Double your pleasure.

He got a splinter in his thumb, huh?

- He got it from your desk. - My desk?

Wait.

When the mouse eats the flower, he leaves his crap in the sack.

Crap in the sack.

Look. Tiga's out.

- I thought you locked her up. - I did.

Will she be all right? I mean, am I safe?

If you choose to laugh at her, she may try to kill you.

Look what she's wearing!

- It looks just like my earrings. - Geez, the earrings.

It was a set.

You gave her the necklace?

Yeah, she wanted the earrings, too, but I told her they were for you.

All right!

Cynthia!

You... You!

Lazlo, do something.

You hit my elbow!

Cynthia... you don't wanna do that, baby.

Okay, that's one down. Let's get the other hooked up quick.

Bad Habit, check the hose for kinks.

Okay, just shove it right back in there. One more and we're home free.

One more and we're home free?

Get her!

- I'm finally having my party! - Get her!

I'm finally having my party!

- She's strong as a bull. - I got it! I got it!

Cameroon, help me.

Quick, light the God damn fuse. Let's get the hell out of here!

- Who's got the lighter? - I said, give it to me.

I said, give it to me. You have screwed things up for the last time.

What do you mean I shouldn't worry, Jules?

Somebody just tried to blow us into next Tuesday.

Hey, you wanna know why Max lived so long?

He never went crazy like you.

You don't have to be crazy to get blown up, Jules.

- Now, how can you take this so calm? - I get paid to be calm.

Now just what is it you're asking me?

I'm asking who the hell it could be and why?

- And I'm telling you, it could be nobody. - The police disagree.

Ah, hey, in my business, I've seen the police overreact before.

Now, look, take it easy. Go to a movie and forget about it.

Damn it, Tiga! Now, listen, Jules, I'm telling you--

Tig-- Tiga, would you...

Give me that back! Damn it! Stop playing around!

Hope you're happy.

You successfully destroyed the only true relationship

I've been able to sustain.

Why'd you have to flaunt the God damn necklace anyway?

Hey, Lazlo, hand me that rag.

Thanks.

Who is it? Get out of here.

It's me, Zabrowski. Open up.

Okay, the party's over.

These are the police. Where are they?

- Where are who? - You wanna be cute, huh?

"No man hates his nose so much to bite it off."

- Love Max-a! - Shut up!

Tiga? Poppy? Rusty? Come, come, come, come, come.

Poppy?

- You know them? - You know, you ain't too bright.

Max was right when he said you need somebody to look after you.

Max? You knew Max?

- You knew Max? - Quiet, Lazlo.

May he rest in peace.

Well, why didn't you tell me about it, God damn it?

- You had me sneakin' around here-- - God damn sneakin'!

Max arranged for you to keep the apes.

When all is well at the end of two years, Zabrowski gets to keep the building.

- Max bought you the building? - These guys are gonna look after you.

- God damn sneakin'! - Lazlo, will you--

"The horse does not lift his tail without good reason!”

I said you were taking your life in your hands when you went back!

Forget the bomb, that monkey might have killed you!

I only went back because Foster said he'd made a decision.

Tiga's merely jealous, not homicidal.

That just means she hasn't killed anybody yet.

If I thought she was going to get violent,

I would simply have given her the earrings.

What? You mean you didn't shove those earrings up his banana stalk?

No. Why? They're mine. I want them.

Boy, are you dumb! No wonder he shares you with an ape.

All right, I'm dumb. Mother, I love him. What can I do?

Will you listen to me for once?

I mean, I didn't bury five husbands because I didn't know how to land one.

It was keeping them alive afterwards that was the problem.

If you really love him, there's a lot you can do.

- Will you let me help? - All right.

As long as you don't do anything drastic.

Drastic to Foster is anything that would cost him two dollars.

The first thing we do is give the damn earrings back.

But why?

Because, dummy! You've got too much pride.

- Yes? - You blew it again!

I told you how long you had, Gridley. And your time is just about up!

- You don't sound very good. - Never mind how I sound!

Yes, I understand. It was a mistake.

I won't-- I shan't. Yes, shan't...

make one again. There's still time.

This time, I will make sure personally.

This time I will make sure personally!

So I ask myself...

"Why is it so important for Brandon to knock off a monkey, huh?"

- So I did a little checkin' on my own. - So why, already?

These are not your ordinary monkeys.

Tell me about it. We're lucky to be alive.

That's not what I mean!

These monkeys are worth five million bucks to the guy who's got 'em.

- That's if he can keep 'em from croakin'. - And if he can't?

If he can't, they get stuffed and he gets...

- For what? - For what? For snot, stupid!

It's worth five Gs to Brandon just to knock one of them off.

They can't give you the chair for killing a monkey.

That's not it!

Listen to me.

If it's worth five Gs to Brandon to bump a baboon,

what do you figure it's worth to the chump to get one of 'em back?

One back? You mean...

How are we gonna kidnap a monkey?

Get back here!

- Somebody's in there. - Who?

I don't know.

We'll rush in together. Come on.

- You ready? - Yeah.

One, two, three!

Listen. What do we do now?

We pick one, do it and split. Just like we planned.

- That one seems to like you. - Yeah.

- Let's take that one then. - No. That's the one we don't want.

Try kissing that one. Maybe you'll like her better.

- Okay, okay. Then you choose. - We'll take that one.

That one? How come?

'Cause I like her eyes.

'Cause that's the one we want, stupid! Now go get her.

- Me? Wait a minute. - Yeah.

- Why me? - Go ahead.

- But why me? - Look! They're harmless. Eh?

If you're being so intimate with them, why don't you go get her?

How come if anybody wants to get anything done around here,

he's gotta do it hisself, huh?

One punch and she's mine.

I thought you said one-- one punch and she was yours.

Shut up!

Take care of the box.

Hey, I read this.

It's not a bad story. Did you get to the part about the funeral?

Good. I tell you, this book is one of my favorites.

You know the part about the girl

where she says she won't want to be treated like a whore?

What's the matter? Did I say something wrong?

Anyway, in a couple of chapters she gets back to her boyfriend,

who's been lying to her and everybody else.

What do you think about him?

Yeah. I won't tell you how she does it 'cause I don't wanna ruin it for you.

Yeah. One other thing. Don't get fooled by the mother's sweet talk,

because at the end, that old lady, she turns out to be a real barracuda.

Joey... where are you?

Would you like a six-pack to go?

Axe murderer.

This isn't an apartment house, it's an asylum.

Now remember, let me do the talking.

All right! All right. All right, all right!

Comin'. I'm comin'.

Comin'

- What'd you do to him? - We didn't do anything. We just got here.

- Are the apes okay? - Of course.

Tiga, Rusty, Poppy?

Come on out. Come here. Poppy?

Come on, Poppy! I don't feel like playing any games.

Poppy? Pop?

- She's gone. - Could she be with Lazlo?

No. Lazlo went to the movies. What am I gonna do?

- What could have happened to Poppy? - The policeman! That crate!

- No. No, why would a policeman-- - He's in on it!

- The one in the hallway. - But--

- But-- but he's unconscious. - The perfect alibi.

- He's coming to. - What shall we do?

Are you nuts?

Would you prefer I tell him a bedtime story?

- Where can we put him? - I know!

Come on.

Come on. Hold him.

Come on. Okay.

We gotta get Poppy.

It's just a couple of firemen.

Wait a minute.

When was the last time a fire captain knocked at your door?

They're firemen. The explosion, remember? Maybe they have--

And maybe that was only a policeman with a crate, right?

- What can we do? - Mr. Sabatini?

Tell 'em to wait a minute.

This is what we're gonna do.

Yes, gentlemen?

- Okay, where are they? - Who? Who are you?

You don't have to worry about that. Where are the apes?

- They're gone. The police took 'em. - Find them.

- But they-- - Find them!

The four of you move over to the window.

I got one!

Wait!

We better take him with us.

Now, don't anyone...

anybody move for ten minutes, understand?

Tiga!

Come on. When they shoot that cop, they'll be back.

And there may be more of them.

I can't believe how many lunatics there are running around.

I don't know. How many original slivers of Babe Ruth's cross have you sold?

Very funny. Hey, I think we should split up.

No. No. Better we stay close together.

I'll take Rusty and Poppy and circle the block.

Meet us out in front with Tiga in five minutes.

Then we'll rendezvous at the hospital.

- Got you. - Rendezvous?

Come on. Come on. Come on. We can take the stairs.

Come on. We'll take the stairs.

- Jules, what are you doing here? - I came to see you.

- You don't sound very good, Jules. - Never mind how I sound.

Come on. You won't believe what's been happening.

Yeah? Try me.

By the way, where's your police protection?

Quiet, Tiga.

Geez, Jules, you know, she really hates you.

To hell with her! She's a baboon, not Princess Grace!

She's an orangutan, Jules. Max said you loved them.

Hey, Jules, we're in trouble.

Hey, Jules, you? No, come on. You're Max's dearest.

Come on, Jules. Don't do it. You can have the money, all of it. I swear it.

Just don't hurt Tiga.

- Sorry, kid. - Please!

Keep the money. Just leave us alone.

- Do it for Max. - Max-schmax!

Lazlo! Lazlo!

Get some stuff. Hurry up. Bring it over here!

Come on, Lazlo, hurry up!

Come on, Lazlo. Come on!

Hurry up. Come on, move this stuff. Hurry up! Get me the phone!

Hurry up. The phone! Tiga, get the phone.

Thanks.

Lazlo, Tiga.

You think you guys can get over there?

All right. Come on. Go ahead, Tiga.

Gimme some room.

Look at the monkey.

Foster! What's the delay? Come!

If you're watching, Max, this is all your fault.

For God's sake, do something.

Come, Foster! Come!

Hey. Come here. Help me with this.

Out the window.

Foster!

- This is it! We got 'em now! - Move aside.

Oh, shoot!

- Hey, Bad Habit. - Yeah?

I thought you said you got the ape.

It was a piece of cake.

- A piece of cake, huh? - Yeah.

Then who's that?

- Mother, look out! Those police! - It is the ape, you asshole!

Foster! Foster!

Keep your eyes open for Fiona.

There she is! Get 'em!

At least they're not shootin' at us.

Foster!

Foster, you dumb-ass son of a bitch! Get out of here!

What are you trying to do, kill us?

When hot lead flies, you don't wait for stop signs.

Those goons are packing heaters! Stay down, Tiga!

-Mother, look! It's Lazlo! Verona!

Follow me to the hospital.

To the ends of the earth, my pussy willow!

Think that lock's strong enough to hold a monkey?

Why not? It was obviously made to hold the beasts. Drive faster!

- Blow out! Damn! - No. It ain't us. We're okay.

Look out!

Good gracious! Step on it!

- Who's shooting at us? - I don't know.

Just get out of here, damn it!

- Maybe he'll hit the monkey. - Great.

- Gridley, the guy shooting at us... - Yes?

It is the monkey.

Hey, hey, Joey, you ain't drivin' so good.

Shut up!

Come on. Look! We got 'em trapped.

Careful.

- Tiga! - Hurry up. Quick.

Mrs. Verona, you and me, we can have a date.

You know, legitimate. Huh?

We got 'em. Okay, we got 'em.

Verona, I know a lovely little Lithuanian restaurant.

With violins.

Okay, okay.

Split up. Lay low but stay close.

- Right. - Come on, guys.

- Come on, Tiga! - Tiga! Tiga!

Joey! Over here.

Hey!

Dead.

- Dead. - Dead. Okay.

Go ahead.

Go on!

Joey!

Get me outta here.

Up, Poppy. Poppy, I got you.

- Joey! Joe! - Get off me! Get off me!

Dr. Morrow, please call extension 231.

Dr. Morrow, please call extension 231.

Excuse us. I'm sorry.

Certainly. But please, don't run through the halls.

Hey, Joey! Look! Over there.

Joey.

Get going. Let's go!

Take care of those guys and bring back some rope.

Come on.

Tie 'em up. Make it snappy! I gotta get out of here.

Come on!

- Let's go. - Hey!

- Come on. - Get up there.

- Stop! - What are you going to do?

- Leave him alone! - No!

- Rusty! - Please, don't hurt him. He's only a baby.

- Shut up! He's an ape! - Rusty...

- Please! Rusty. Rus-- - Oh, my God!

Tie 'em up good.

Come on, Poppy.

Lazlo, they got Rusty.

- And everybody, too. My Verona! - Quick. That way. Come on!

I saw 'em headed this way over--

Stay where you are if you like living.

Hey, Joey. Look, there's our ape!

If you'll excuse my saying so, sir,

but it appears to me that you got something that belongs to us.

I won't excuse you, and you are mistaken.

I mean, whoever you are, I mean, I wouldn't do that if I was you.

Yeah, whoever you are, I wouldn't do that if I was you.

Hey... look.

You know, it just occurred to me.

You know, maybe we could make a deal or somethin...

Yes, maybe we could make a deal.

Listen, Joey, why don't we give 'em the damn ape back

and let's get out of here before anything happens to us.

- Stop the machine! Stop the monkey! - Stop the monkey? Stop me!

Oh, Mother, what can we do?

Joey!

- No, no, no, no. - Oh, yeah?

Bad Habit! Bad Habit!

I'm dying!

Don't do that. Don't do that! Don't do that!

Somebody help us! Please help!

Banzai!

Rusty!

This is it.

- Tiga, Rusty, Poppy! - Hey!

Haven't you learned by now, silly? They're gonna be fine.

Fine.

Fine.

- Tiga! - Rusty!

- Poppy! - Rusty! Poppy! Tiga!

One-way street and I'm halfway down it Lookin' for an exit but I ain't found it

Lookin' for another way to go

One-way street Blowed a flat and I goosed it

It should've got better Instead it got worse

There's gotta be a better way to go

Gefttin' me nowhere, gettin' me down Gotta find how to get outta this town

Goin' in circles ain't no way Of gettin' around

One-way street I want a four-lane highway

No going your way Gotta go my way

Gotta find a better way to go