Original subtitles

Hey, Dad, what are you doing?

Oh, hi, Nicholas. I'm separating the colors

from the whites, and the hot from the cold...

and the drip-dry from the perma-press...

- and the men from the househusbands. - Huh?

Oh, I tell you, I'm going bonkers.

Hey, Dad, when your best buddy in the whole world...

asks you to do something...

whatever it is, you gotta do it, right?

Oh, yes, that's right. That's what you have to do for you best buddy.

- Does that answer your question? - Yeah. Thanks.

Nicholas, what have you got in that shoe box?

- Oh, nothing. - Nothing?

Why would you put nothing in a shoe box?

So I won't lose it.

Oh, yeah, that makes sense.

The delicates go here, the indestructibles go here...

everything else goes here.

This is so boring.

That is trouble.

SUSAN: Joanie?

Joanie?

Hey, hi, Nicholas, is Joanie in here?

Nope, just me.

Oh, I'm gonna kill her. She's supposed to make the salad.

[MARY CHUCKLES]

- This the Bradford house? - Uh-huh.

- Oh, Nancy? - Uh, no.

- You here for Nancy? - Right.

- Chris Cusack. - Hi, Chris.

I'm Mary Bradford. If you wanna come in, I'll go get Nancy.

- Oh, thanks. - Nancy!

Oh, hi.

- Who are you for? - Uh, Nancy.

Oh.

You think Susan will mind if I borrow this?

- Yes. - Then I won't ask.

Nancy?

Nancy?

Nancy, I've been calling you. Your date's here.

Oh, hey... What does he look like?

A blind date? You? I thought you said only creeps go out on blind dates.

Look, it wasn't my idea.

He's a friend of Jenny Draper's brother.

You ever tried saying no to Jenny Draper?

Once, and I got a three-hour filibuster.

Mm, this will fit perfect.

Hi, I'm home.

Oh, hi.

I thought you were going out with your professor.

Uh, he's my TA, Dad.

My teaching assistant. He's not a full professor yet.

Anyway, he got sick in lab today. He said he was dizzy, had a headache.

You think I should call him and see if he needs anything?

You ask if you should call him, before I answer, you start to call.

Suppose my answer was no. Aren't girls supposed to play hard to get?

- Oh, don't be old-fashioned, Dad. - Huh.

Sometimes old-fashioned works.

For you, it works. For me, it doesn't.

- Hi. - Hi.

What's for dinner?

[PLUCKING STRINGS]

[SING-SONGY] Broiled chicken.

- Nancy. - Oh, no, Joanie.

- You're Nancy, right? - Uh-uh. Susan.

Joanie, are you making the salad or auditioning for The Gong Show?

No appreciation for the creative talent in this house.

[HUMMING]

Hey, uh, could you tell Nancy I've been waiting a long time?

I'm Nancy.

Oh, ha. Sorry.

- Hi. - Hi.

- It's true. - What's true?

Jenny Draper was right. You have a laughing face.

That's a joke.

You know, song title, Nancy with the etcetera?

Oh, heh.

- Well, uh, let's split. - Okay.

Nice shirt.

Um, would you excuse me for just a second?

I just remembered... I forgot something.

[DOOR CLOSES]

Thanks, Rich. Bye.

His roommate said he's in isolation. Do you believe it?

What? Who's in isolation?

Besides a few politicians that I know?

Don, my TA, he's in the hospital.

- What's the matter with him? - Well, they're not sure.

They put him in isolation because he just came back from Africa, the peace corps.

Oh, yeah? That doesn't sound good.

Mm-mm.

That was a quick date. What do you think of the shirt?

When I get my hands on Jenny Draper...

I know, you'll unravel her body stocking.

You should see this guy, he's a real prize.

He's got a nose and hair and these eyes.

- Sounds normal. - Oh, he makes dumb jokes.

- What are you changing for? - He is wearing the same thing.

People are gonna think we're going steady or pinned or something.

Or Donny and Marie.

[SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]

As I recall what just happened...

I complimented you on your shirt...

then you went upstairs and changed your shirt.

That's right.

Am I supposed to read some kind of meaning into that?

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Uh, excuse me.

Hospital won't tell me a thing.

Mary, I don't wanna butt into your personal life...

but just how close have you and this, uh, guy been?

Dad.

Come on now, they don't put someone in isolation for the common cold.

Okay.

Uh, on a scale from one to 10, I'd say we were a prim and proper five...

uh, but within striking distance of a dynamite eight.

And for this, I send you to college?

NANCY: Dad. Hurry.

Chalmers, Health Department, Acute Communicable Disease Unit.

- Quarantine? What is this about? - Please don't come out of your house.

Things can go in, food, but nothing is to come out.

Well, I have to go to work. The kids have to go to school.

- Not for a while, they don't. - What's a quarantine?

It's a big word, Nicholas, that means, "Stay put."

[ALL GRUMBLING]

MAN: I sympathize with your dilemma.

Your daughter's teacher was recently in Zaire and Nairobi.

There are health problems there we know very little about. Sorry.

Excuse me, sir, I don't live here.

You do now.

You mean he has to stay?

MAN: Right. I'll be here tomorrow for blood samples.

TOM: Blood samples? MAN: Please, try to play this thing down.

You can tell friends. Use discretion. We don't want to alarm the public.

These diseases hardly ever spread beyond the first few exposed.

Hardly ever?

- Uh, if you have any problems, call us. - Any problems?

I can think of a few right now.

You bet.

- Who are you? - Chris Cusack.

He's for Nancy.

[ALL SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

ELIZABETH: I can't stay here.

How am I to train for cross-country locked in this house?

They're rehearsing all my scenes. What am I gonna tell the director?

Three hours would've been enough but three weeks is the pits.

I don't mind staying home. I have a history test I didn't study for.

If I miss too many rehearsals, they�re gonna give my part to the understudy.

I hate her, not as an actress, just as a human being.

Can't I even go over to Willie's?

Nicholas, you're grounded. We all are.

TOMMY: I was just starting to learn that new math, now I'll probably flunk.

Tommy, why don't you go watch for David so that he doesn't walk into this mess?

- All right. - Three weeks. Let me see, that's 21 days.

The man said seven to 21 days. Possibly.

- Don't worry about it. It could be fun. - Little Mary Sunshine.

- Lighten up, Nancy. - All right, keep quiet.

I've got Dr. Maxwell on the phone. Hi, Greg, it's me, Tom.

Uh, how are you doing?

Oh, just about to putt the 13th hole.

I'm sorry, but this is very important, Greg.

You won't believe this.

We're under quarantine, the whole family.

Greg, your 13th putt is not more important than this.

Well, yes, of course. I'll be here when you're through.

We're quarantined.

Where else can I go?

Oh, all right. Well, I'll wait for you to call.

Greg, I'm sorry... We're interrupted.

TOMMY: David's here!

Mary, call the hospital and find out how your friend is.

Up to 21 days?

Right. You're gonna have to do your laundry somewhere else.

DAVID: Looks like the least of the problems.

David, um, I had a girlfriend pull some research at the library.

Would you pick it up?

Yeah, I guess I can. Sure.

Oh, and listen, you better go to the store for us. We'll need food.

- What are you gonna need? - Everything. Bread, butter, eggs.

I'll go check the, uh, freezer to see if we have a roast.

Dad, have pity.

You're right, call me later, when you can write it all down.

Wait a minute. Chris wants to say something to you.

Oh, fine. Who's Chris?

Nancy's date. He got stuck here with us.

- Hi. DAVID: Hi, Chris.

- Uh, what do you say, long date, huh? - Heh. Yeah.

Look, could you do me a favor? My school books are in the VW in the driveway.

- Would you leave them before you go? - Sure.

Oh, and look, I've got a dog. Someone's gonna have to feed him.

Now, wait, hold on there. Hold on a minute.

- Why? What's wrong? - What's wrong? What's wrong?

You're asking me to shop for those bottomless pits, I don't have the bread.

What? Oh, money. Money means bread. Isn't that cute?

I didn't know what you were talking about. Here. Let me see what I have.

- Uh-oh, I only have $20, is that enough? - I don't know.

- You haven't told me what to buy yet. - Call me later.

We'll negotiate the price after I make a list. Here you are.

Oh, money doesn't go as far as it used to.

MARY: Oh, Daddy. ELIZABETH: Give us a break.

Oh, no, 21 of those jokes, huh?

[ALL CHATTERING]

CHRIS: Feed my dog. - Yogurt.

Come on, Nick, you move your bed.

- What for? - Because we can't get by.

- Come on. - No. Leave it alone.

Uh, do me a favor. Take your towels and put them in the bathroom.

CHRIS: Yeah, sure. Whatever you say.

Where'd you get all these toys?

I just got them, that's all.

Nicholas, Dad did not buy these for you. Now, where did you get them?

I won them in a contest.

What contest?

- I forget. - Nicholas.

Uh, excuse us.

We have to have a talk with His Majesty.

All right, where'd you get the toys? You've got no money.

- They're from the drugstore, aren't they? - Yeah.

- Did you steal them? - No, I didn't steal them, honest.

- I'm just keeping them for a friend. - Which friend? Who?

Don't tell Dad.

We won't unless you don't give us any choice.

TOMMY: All right, Nicholas, one more time...

which friend? Was it Willie? Is that why you wanted to go to his house?

I'm not gonna tattle.

[SIGHS]

Nicholas, this family is under quarantine.

That means we're gonna be together in the same house 24 hours a day.

Everywhere you look, you're gonna see me and Tommy.

And you're gonna know that we know.

That's not gonna be easy on any of us.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

SUSAN: Time. What do you say, huh? Come on.

Isn't there such a thing as carrying family togetherness a bit too far?

You know, this is a learning experience.

That's the way we've gotta think of this thing.

Dad, stepping on a nail is also a learning experience.

It teaches you not to step on nails.

You don't understand. You missed the whole point. This is a challenge.

This family is going to be living together under one roof.

We're gonna get to really know each other.

We're gonna become closer than we've ever been before.

Dad, I'm as close as I want to be.

What do you think the pioneers did...

when they were snowbound for months at a time?

They raised big families, but you've already done that, so...

That's a tacky remark. That's a very tacky remark.

Yes?

Oh, well, just tell him that Mary called when he wakes up, please?

Bye.

Well, he still got a fever. He's no better, no worse.

- Hey, I just thought of something. - Beginner's luck.

- Oh, look, Bonnie Braids. - Don't you call me that.

Enough. This is the kind of thing I'm talking about.

This is the kind of thing we have to overcome.

We've gotta be big enough not to let little irritants like this bother us.

We've gotta be understanding and forgiving.

- I guess we can do that, Dad. - We've got to be mature.

- Well, two out of three ain't bad. - Mary, that's enough.

Now, all right, sweetheart, what was it that you thought of?

Well, Chris didn't call anybody.

Oh, well, what does that mean? I don't understand.

He's trapped here for at least a week, right?

And the only thing he asked about was for somebody to feed his dog.

I mean, he didn't call his folks, he didn't call home, nothing.

I mean, why not?

You know, he could be a criminal or something.

Yeah.

He can also be worse than a criminal.

How's that?

He could be alone.

Mary.

- Is that it? MAN: That's it.

- Thank you. - Thank you.

Hey, come on now, be big about it. You don't wanna end up like Harry Pasteur.

- Who's he? CHRIS: Louis' brother.

Couldn't stand the sight of blood.

Useless in the lab.

Ended up a taxi dancer at the Folies Berg�re.

- What's that? - Doesn't matter. Pinprick's over.

Don't look at me. I think he's funny.

I'm surrounded by enemies.

Mm. Oh, hi, folks. How's it going?

- We'll take you next, Mr. Bradford. - Oh, good.

In a situation like this, a lot of people get very uptight.

No, there's no reason why a civilized group of people...

can't accommodate their habits, right?

SUSAN: Right, Dad. - Don't like the sight of blood?

No, no, no. It's not the sight of blood that bothers me.

It's just the sound of my voice screaming that really unnerves me.

DAVID: Food's here! - Oh, the food is here. I have to go.

But you can count on me, I shall return. Would I lie to you? I promise. Bye-bye.

- Hi, David. - Hi, David.

Hi, Nick. Sue.

- Hi, David. - Hi.

Well, how's everything in Little Alcatraz?

You all look a little hassled, if I do say so myself.

No, everything's super. It couldn't be better.

I don't see yogurt. David, I practically live on yogurt.

Oh, I'm sorry, I blew it. Next trip, all right?

No, no, no big deal.

Nothing that a sense of humor can't get us through.

I'd kill for yogurt.

Hey, Chris, I left food for your dog.

Those clothes were on your clothesline. You might need them.

That research you wanted from the library is in that manila envelope.

Thank you. Thank you, here. Thanks.

Great. Ah! Give it to me.

- Well, uh, you're all okay, right? - Oh, sure. We're on top of everything.

- Why? Are you worried about us? - A little bit. Sure.

No, that's what I told these guys.

I said a thing like this brings a family closer together.

Well, if David wants to get closer, Dad...

all he's gotta do is step forward about 10 feet, come on in here with the rest of us.

I'm worried, Mary, but I ain't crazy.

Listen, we better get inside. Thanks, David.

- Thanks, David. SUSAN: Chris.

TOMMY: Got that, Nicholas?

No hat upon his head. His stockings foul'd, ungarter'd, down-gyved to his ancle.

Pale as his shirt, his knees knocking each other.

And with a look so piteous in purport as if he had been loosed out of hell...

to speak of horrors, he comes before me.

Teaching assistant? How is he?

It's the hospital. I'm waiting.

I bet they give him yogurt if he wants it.

I'm gonna give you some yogurt...

right where you don't want it if you don't buzz off.

- Hey, looking good. - Yeah? Give me five. All right.

- You know, Nicholas, I wanna talk to you. - Don't you remember what Dad said?

Triple quiet, just like we were in school.

TOMMY: You're still gonna have to talk to me.

Privately, triple quietly, you name it, but this house isn't big enough for us.

- Not now. TOMMY: Yes, now.

Come on, you guys.

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

Let's hold it down out there, shall we?

The breadwinner is trying to work.

[MUSIC STOPS]

Thank you.

- I appreciate your consideration. MARY: Thank you. Okay.

No, I'll hold, thank you.

What brings you down to the netherworld?

Ophelia.

Hey, Mary, what's Daddy doing?

He calls it writing, others call it typing.

Oh, thank you.

Okay.

Bye.

Well, his temperature's up half a degree.

Sorry.

Mary, come with me.

- Come with you? What do you mean? - Look.

I need to talk to Dad and I want some moral support, okay?

Oh, terrific.

Come on.

Oh, my gosh, what is it? Am I growing deaf or senile?

- What? - Well, when I just said, "Come in"...

I am going so deaf that I did not hear myself say it...

or else my memory has gotten so bad, I don't remember having had said it.

What is it?

We haven't heard you scream. We wanted to make sure you were all right.

Oh, that's funny. You must do Charlton Heston's material.

What is it? I'm up to here with this column.

Nancy, what is it?

Have you spoken to Chris yet? Found out why he hasn't called?

No, I haven't. And I don't intend to.

You don't intend to? Why not?

Dear, I saw Roots.

And while Kunta Kinte may be free, your friend Chris definitely belongs to you.

Daddy.

Sweetheart, someone has to ask him, that someone has got to be you.

- Now, leave me alone. - Question. Question.

- Question. - What is a spiking fever?

Oh, Mary, that's not nice now to read over people's desks.

- You want a hypocritical apology? - No.

Then I won't apologize. Dad, what is a spiking fever?

Who are we talking about?

I called Dr. Maxwell.

I asked him what it could possibly be that's put your PA into...

TA. TA.

TA, PA, whatever it is that got him on his backside.

Anyway, here's what Max came up with.

Nigeria.

Lassa fever is endemic, carried by rodents.

Then in Za�re, there's something called a Marsburg virus.

The onset is gradual. Severe headache, sore throat, spiking fever.

- Nicholas, bedtime. - I'm going.

That is the first time he didn't put up a fight. What gives?

- Why don't you mind your own business? - Go suck an egg.

Nicholas, I wanna talk to you.

Getting my p.j.'s.

- Good night. - Good night.

Just ask him, it's simple.

Simple for you, you're not doing the asking.

It's called delegating authority. Now go.

- Did you talk to him? - No, he got past me.

- I was doing these. - Why?

Because I'm doing Ophelia and Ophelia's ethereal...

and ethereal does not have a big fanny.

Let's talk to him.

I'm with you.

My dad's been working on the pipeline the past three years.

He's gone eight, 10 weeks at a stretch.

That's no picnic, but the kind of money he makes...

he can't pass it up.

Must be kind of hard on your mom, huh?

Must have been, I guess.

I suppose that's why she left.

She left you and your dad?

Yeah.

Said she'd had enough and one day, she just wasn't there anymore.

Wow, I don't know how you do it.

- Do what? - Be so up all the time.

I mean, Mary is constantly yelling at Susan...

and Elizabeth and Tommy are calling each other adopted.

I think we're all becoming a little bit unglued.

- But you, you're sort of... - Having a ball.

Yeah, but how?

By remembering what alone is really like...

by having a lot of experience in being alone to remember.

Oh, it's hectic around here, for sure.

And I can see how you get on each other's nerves.

That's understandable, but when you're all by yourself...

and an argument starts, you just plain and simple have to lose.

Anyway, I guess that's why you and I look on this quarantine thing differently.

I'm glad to be in a house crowded with family...

even if it isn't mine.

Let's start over.

I'm Nancy Bradford.

I'm Chris Cusack.

Hi, Chris. I'm really pleased to meet you.

I'm sorry I'm no Prince Charming.

Yeah, I'm sorry I ever thought I was Cinderella.

Well, where do you wanna go?

Kitchen, living room, dining room?

This is fine.

Just fine.

I got rights. I know I got rights.

Nicholas, I'm not Starsky, he's not Hutch.

We're your brother and sister, we wanna help you, so let us.

Then leave me alone, that'll help me.

Just come clean with who stole the toys.

I told you, it wasn't me.

But you know who did it, that makes you an accessory.

Do you know what the word accessory means?

It's the stuff that makes a bike cost more.

Nope, in this case, it means that even though you didn't swipe that stuff...

you're just as guilty as the other guy.

So that means if he goes to jail, you go to jail.

Leave me alone.

Oh, doggone it, Nicholas, look where you're going.

Don't let them get me.

Why, don't let who get you?

NICHOLAS: Them. I don't wanna talk to them anymore.

Why, Nicholas?

Because I got a headache.

TOM: Because why?

Because I got a headache.

Can I sleep with you, Dad?

Nicholas?

Nicholas, is something wrong?

No.

No fever.

- Is your headache all right? - Huh?

Oh, it went away.

Oh, good. You have no idea how that relieves me.

What are you looking at?

Oh, nothing. Just the outside.

Dad...

remember when you first let me ride my bike out front?

Oh, yeah.

I said that you could pedal driveway to driveway and back again.

You did it so many times, I thought you were gonna make a trench in the sidewalk.

I did good, didn't I?

You were perfect.

Boy, I sure wish I can do that now.

Oh, cheer up, champ.

We're gonna be sprung pretty soon.

Even though it may feel like it, we're not in jail.

NANCY: Elizabeth?

Time. You stay in there any longer...

and you're gonna have more wrinkles than a motel bedspread.

I have a right to take a long bath. I'm Aquarius.

Well, I'm a Pisces, and fish need water too, remember?

[BOTH SCOFFING]

Would you...?

My lord, as I was sewing in my closet...

Lord Hamlet, with his doublet... Tommy?

All unbraced.

No hat upon his head. His stockings foul'd, ungarter'd, down-gyved to his...

- Time. NANCY: I just got in here!

Ancle.

Pale as his shirt, his knees knocking each other.

And with a look so piteous in purport...

as if he had been loosed out of hell to speak of horrors...

Joanie. Oh, I have no energy without yogurt.

Need yogurt.

Sorry about that.

One more time.

My lord, as I was sewing in my closet...

Lord Hamlet, with his doublet all unbraced...

no hat upon his head, his stockings foul'd...

- Tommy. TOMMY: I'm in here.

- What are you doing? - Looking through Family Health Book.

I think I have the measles. There's this red dot here.

You see anything on my face?

Get your diseases straight. You had the measles.

Well, there are two kinds.

You had both.

Hey, Tommy, what are we gonna do about Nicholas?

I don't know. He slept in Dad's room last night.

I can't get him alone. Do you really think he had a headache?

No, I think he was trying to get away from you, that's what.

You know, you've really blown this whole thing.

Me? How do you figure? We were getting through to him.

Yeah, until you started grilling him...

like he was the French Connection.

Well, how else was I supposed to get him to admit he was wrong?

Tommy, you know, your approach is really dumb.

We've gotta talk to him calmly and get him to understand.

He's just a little boy. You got him scared half to death.

Well, wasn't that what we were supposed to do?

We don't want him to grow up to be a crook.

[HORN HONKING]

[DOG BARKING]

TOMMY: It's David.

- Hey. - Hey, good morning.

- How are you? - Stir crazy.

DAVID: It's called cabin fever, kid. TOMMY: What's with the dog?

It's Chris' mutt. He wouldn't take anything from me.

I thought I better bring him here before he pined away.

- I think you're a little late for that. - Is he housebroken?

I don't know, but I'm sure you'll find out before too long.

Wait a minute. I want to talk to you about Nicholas.

DAVID: What about Nicholas? - Nothing about Nicholas.

Never mind about Nicholas.

Hi, little guy. How you doing?

Terrible. What's the dog's name?

- Snitcher. - You told them.

TOMMY: What? - Nicholas, we didn't tell him a thing.

Then why did he call me that?

Because that's the dog's name, you dope.

What are we talking about?

I hate you.

- Would you fill me in, please? - Promise not to tell Dad?

No, I promise no such thing.

Leave me out of it. I'm sure you two can handle it on your own.

I've got a dog to deliver. Come here.

Hey, Snitcher. Come here, boy. Come here.

- Good boy. - He wouldn't eat for me.

- I figured you'd do better. - Aw, for sure.

Come, Snitcher, let's get you some food.

All right, what is it? What did I forget this time?

- Liver. - Liver.

- Who likes liver in this family? - Christopher likes liver.

Christopher likes liver? Now, how am I supposed to know that?

Well, you could have asked.

Hey, good doggy.

We don't have a doggy.

Don't ask. Do not ask.

You have work to do, so get to work, and definitely do not ask.

Mary, listen.

You see, this family can pull together if they want to.

Peace and quiet for the first time.

You got lots of quiet, Dad.

You got no peace. What you don't hear is a frustrated group of people...

who are no longer talking to each other.

Mary, what day of the quarantine is this?

- It's the fourth. - Four?

Oh, no.

We'll never make it, never.

JOANIE: The courtier's, soldier's, scholar's, eye, tongue, sword.

The expectancy and rose of the fair state.

The glass of fashion and the mould of form.

Observed of all observers, quite, quite down!

And I, of ladies most deject and wretched...

that suck'd the honey of his music vows.

[BARKS]

Hey, no way, old pal.

David brought only enough yogurt for me.

[GROWLING]

Keep up the good work.

I'll be able to take you out for a walk in another week or so.

[SIREN IN DISTANCE]

What's the matter?

- I had to go to the bathroom. - Ah.

- Chris? - Yeah?

Are you really gonna be a lawyer like Nancy said?

Yeah.

What's an accessory?

Is that like a bad guy?

Well, it's kind of like being a criminal.

It's like when you help somebody commit a crime...

or hide somebody from the police.

What do you do to an accessory?

Treat them the same way as the guy who did the crime.

Toss them in jail.

Morning.

Oh, Chris.

Didn't you make any coffee?

Oh, I don't drink coffee.

Well, I do. And everybody else does.

For Pete's sakes, why didn't you make some?

I didn't make any because I don't drink coffee...

and I don't know how those percolators or whatever you call them work.

Well, you could have asked.

In order to have asked, I would have to wake you up.

In order to wake you up, I would have to sneak into your room.

In order to sneak into your room...

I would have to have a bulletproof vest to protect me from your father.

- Look, do you always wake up like this? - Like what?

With your hair up in curlers and your disposition on the skids.

Well, you're not supposed...

- to see me like this. - Oh.

Anyway, there are morning people, and there are afternoon people.

In that case, we better schedule future meetings for high noon, kiddo.

Ha, kiddo? Kiddo?

We have an echo. Echo.

[CHUCKLES]

- You sound like my father. - Is that a compliment?

Well, it's fine to talk like my father if you're my father.

When someone like you talks like him, it's kind of weird.

Wait, wait. Uh, "someone like me"?

Are we getting into the Prince Charming jokes again?

No, no, not at all.

I just meant someone whom I'm supposed to sort of have a relationship with.

Chris...

do you ever kiss girls with curlers in their hair?

Oh, hardly ever.

But I have been known to make exceptions.

Good.

[GIGGLES]

Oh, practicing the old mouth-to-mouth resuscitation, huh?

Good idea. Always be prepared.

Don't you ever knock?

On the kitchen door?

- Well, then wear bells then, will you? - Have you seen Nicholas?

He's upstairs, asleep with everybody else, I suppose.

He wasn't there when I woke up.

He wasn't in the bathroom, either.

Oh, boy.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Dad, Dad.

- Huh? What's the matter? Who's sick? - It's Nicholas. I can't find him anywhere.

What?

Dad, we really made a mistake not telling you.

But we meant well, honest.

We just didn't wanna hassle you with another problem.

Nicholas is not a problem, dear. He's my son.

- He's not in the attic. - Or anywhere else upstairs.

I checked in every closet, under every bed. No Nicholas.

Daddy, he's just not in the house.

We've looked all over for him, Mr. Bradford. I'm afraid he's run away.

Dad, I'm really sorry, it was just stupid.

I guess from now on, I'll just keep my mouth shut.

Well, that'll be a starter.

Well, what do we do now?

The only thing we can do. We'll have to get help from an outsider.

Hey, cheer up. We all blow it once and a while.

Hey, Elizabeth, I thought you and Tommy weren't talking.

Who can be childish at a time like this?

Hey.

Nicholas is gone.

You're the only one that can go and look for him.

Uh-huh. Right.

Shoplifting?

Right. No. Okay. Well, how long has he been gone?

Well, it can't be long. I think if you try the school yard and maybe the park.

How about that shack? He likes that place. He likes to play pirate.

Look, the crucial thing is, he broke quarantine.

- Are you gonna call the Health Department? - Yeah, I suppose I'll have to, won't I?

Give me an hour. I'll see what I can accomplish.

All right.

Well, now your brother Nicholas...

is the youngest all-points bulletin in the history of this family.

[CHILDREN SHOUTING]

Hey, little guy!

I know how it is.

Believe it or not, I used to be your age once too.

And I remember what it was like when things just seemed to get to be too much.

When there's too much yelling and bickering.

It just doesn't seem like there's anywhere to go or anyone to listen to you.

We've all been there.

Really.

But when you come right down to it...

the home is the one place we've all got.

And family is what it's all about...

what we're all about.

So let's go home now, okay?

Okay. I live on Oak Drive.

- Nicholas. - No. My name's Arnold Bensucker.

[CHUCKLES]

Well, Arnold...

I just wasted a good speech.

DAVID: Dad, I looked every place. I don't know what to do.

Oh, gosh, I don't know what to tell you, son.

Tell David to hold on. I have to check something.

Hold on a second.

Listen, why don't you give me the phone numbers of some of his friends?

JOANIE: David, you there?

Dad, the toys are gone.

- David should try the drugstore. - Good Lord, if he went to the drugstore...

everybody in the place will have to be quarantined.

You had a lot of things.

Thank goodness.

- You know what you did was wrong. NICHOLAS: Yes, sir, I know.

This is my brother.

Well, now, since you were honest, Nicholas, and you brought all these toys back...

I think I can give you another chance.

Thank you.

You can take him home now.

Well, that's really nice of you, but there's a problem.

Things like this happen all the time. We're used to it.

My brother broke a quarantine when he came here.

Oh, well, as long as it's paid for, we...

- He broke a what? - Quarantine.

My whole family's been quarantined for the past five days.

Quarantined. For what?

They don't know yet.

Uh...

[CLEARS THROAT]

Pharmacy.

Norman, ahem, do we have any medicinal brandy?

I'm terribly sorry about what happened.

I know there's nothing I can say that will satisfy what...

- What are you doing? - I'm taking down the sign...

because our friend teacher has a severe

case of noncontagious antihistamine allergy.

We changed his medication and he's doing fine.

[ALL YELLING]

My Lord!

[ALL SHOUTING AND LAUGHING]

Most of the employees are married men.

It's gonna be very hard on them.

Come to think of it, it's gonna harder on the bachelors.

[PHONE RINGING]

Yes?

- Yes, he's right here. It's for you. - Hello?

Hey, that's terrific.

Yeah, sure. Sure, the manager's right here. I'll let you tell him.

Just a second.

Now you can tell him.

Yes?

Thank you.

- Nicholas. - I got money. I'm gonna buy it.

- Good morning. I stopped by to pick up... - Hi. Yeah, sure, I'll sign it right now.

You be sure to come straight home after school, you understand?

- Oh, do I gotta? - Yes, you gotta.

Maybe you'll think twice before you start holding loot for your friends.

I'm kind of in a hurry. Could I...?

NANCY: Absentee card, Dad. - All right, I'll sign it in a minute.

I'm not gonna be home for dinner. I got a date with Chris.

You be sure to tell Mary so she doesn't cook for you.

She wasn't going anyway. She's gonna be nursing her TA back to health.

- Oh, well, then Susan. - Uh, no, cross-country.

- Joanie? - Rehearsals.

- Who's gonna cook? - I don't know. You'll think of something.

- Ha, ha, bye. - Oh, boy.

If you feel like a nice dinner, come over to my house for franks and beans.

I'd like to be paid back...

for the franks and beans and milk and goodies I've been supplying you with.

Really, I thought you just came over here to say hi.

You will accept my personal check, of course.

Gladly. If it bounces, I know where to find you. Thank you.

You know, my wallet is beginning to suffer from a severe spiking headache.

[English - US -SDH]

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