Original subtitles

UHH.. HI.

NICE TO SEE SO MANY FAMILIAR FACES.

IMPORTANT PEOPLE IN THE INDUSTRY.

UHH...

ACTUALLY, I'M A LITTLE NERVOUS TO SHOW YOU THIS FILM.

SOME OF YOU MIGHT FIND IT A LITTLE UPSETTING.

MAYBE I SHOULD SAY A FEW WORDS ABOUT WHERE THE IDEA CAME FROM,

AND WHY I THOUGHT IT WAS SOMETHING I HAD TO DO.

I KNOW, I KNOW.

I HATE THOSE DIRECTORS WHO DRONE ON AND ON

INTRODUCING THEIR FILMS,

SUCKING ALL THE LIFE OUT OF THE ROOM

AND I PROMISED MYSELF I WOULD NEVER DO THAT.

BUT MAYBE IN THIS CASE...

STORY GOES LIKE THIS.

SUMMER CAMP.

JEFFERSON GLENN. SMALL FOR HIS AGE.

BLOWS UP A LATRINE TO GET BACK AT THE BULLIES.

SMART KID. FUNNY, BIT OF A TROUBLEMAKER,

TRYING TO GET HIS DAD'S ATTENTION.

REGULAR KID. EXCEPT FOR ONE THING,

HIS DAD IS PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.

GOOD MAN. HONEST. TRYING TO BE A GOOD DAD.

YOU KNOW, A DEMOCRAT.

RECENTLY WIDOWED. WORKAHOLIC.

BURYING HIS PAIN UNDER HIS JOB.

THEN, BANG! BANG! BANG!

PERFECT ORCHESTRATION. CODE RED.

HE'S A HOSTAGE.

THE KID COMES HOME TO THE WHITE HOUSE PISSED OFF

CUZ THERE'S NO ONE THERE TO GREET HIM.

FINDS OUT TERRORISTS HAVE TAKEN OVER AIR FORCE ONE.

WHAT KIND OF TERRORISTS?

EUROPEAN. EUROPEAN TERRORISTS.

ARE THEY FUNNY TERRORISTS?

NO, NO. THEY'RE SCARY.

THEY'RE TERRORISTS.

THE SCRIPT IS RESPECTFUL OF THAT.

THEY DO HAVE THEIR QUIRKY SIDE.

GO ON.

SO... NO ONE GETS INTO THE WHITE HOUSE THE PERIMETER IS SEALED.

AND THE PRESS SECRETARY ADVISES NOT TO TELL THE PEOPLE.

THEY DON'T WANT PANIC.

SO IT'S UP TO THE KID TO GROW UP FAST.

DO THE PRESIDENT'S JOB. WIN THE TRUST OF THE STAFF.

USE HIS SKILLS WITH VIDEO GAMES AND HOMEMADE EXPLOSIVES

TO PILOT AN F-16, KNOCK OFF THE BAD GUYS.

ONE, TWO, THREE, INCLUDING THE PRESS SECRETARY,

WHO TURNS OUT TO BE A TRAITOR.

SECURE WORLD PEACE, AND HOOK HIS DAD UP

WITH HIS NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISOR.

HIS SEXY NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISOR,

WHO PROVES IN THE CRUNCH,

THAT SHE JUST MIGHT HAVE WHAT IT TAKES TO BE THE NEW FIRST LADY.

WELL.

THAT WAS FULL OF TWISTS AND TURNS.

PROS AND CONS.

IT'S HILARIOUS.

IT'S PATRIOTIC AS SHIT.

IT SHOOTS IN CANADA.

LET'S STICK WITH THE PROS FOR NOW.

IT MAY NOT BE STRICTLY A PRO FOR TAYLOR BRANDON BURNS,

BUT FOR THOSE OF US IN PUBLICITY,

WE'RE A LITTLE TUCKERED OUT.

WE WOULDN'T MIND SENDING HIM SOMEWHERE NICE AND QUIET.

ARE YOU TELLING ME THAT THAT IS ALL WE HAVE?

KID'S A BIOLOGICAL TIME BOMB.

HIS VOICE COULD CRACK ANY DAY NOW, AND THEN GOD HELP US.

BESIDES...THAT'S ALL WE HAVE.

WELL, THEN.

LET'S SEND THE KID TO CANADA.

BANJO, I SAID, THAT'S NOT THE DOOR AND I WAS ONLY JOKING.

WHY DO YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO GO BREAK THINGS?

HACKER, I'M NOT MAD AT YOU FOR BREAKING THE PLATE,

I'M MAD AT YOU FOR BREAKING YOUR WORD.

SO, YOU'RE NOT GOING TO PUT BANJO TO SLEEP?

WHAT? WHO SAID ANYTHING ABOUT PUTTING BANJO TO SLEEP?

[PHONE RINGING]

HACKER, YOU WERE EAVESDROPPING!

I WANTED TO FIND OUT WHAT I WAS GETTING FOR MY BIRTHDAY.

THEN I HEARD ALL THAT STUFF YOU SAID ABOUT BANJO.

ALL I MEANT BY THAT WAS, I WISH HE WOULD QUIT BARKING

SO I COULD GET SOME SLEEP.

AND YOU SHOULDN'T BE EAVESDROPPING!

WE DON'T ALWAYS HEAR THINGS CORRECTLY, WHEN WE DO THAT.

SO, I GUESS THAT MEANS THAT YOU'RE NOT A TURKISH SPY EITHER.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHTER]

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

I'M SORRY, YOU'LL HAVE TO REMOVE YOUR HEADPHONES FOR LANDING.

EXCUSE ME. YOUNG MAN.

I'M SORRY. AIR FLIGHT REGULATIONS MAINTAIN

THAT ALL ELECTRONIC EQUIPMENT HAS-ARE WE CRASHING?

OF COURSE NOT.

THEN FUCK OFF.

IF I NEED A SKY-WAITRESS, I'LL PRESS THE LITTLE BUTTON, OKAY?

EXCUSE ME?YOU'RE EXCUSED.

EXCUSE ME.

ARE YOU WAITING FOR TAYLOR BRANDON BURNS?

UH HUH. TAYLOR BRANDON BURNS

TAYLOR BRANDON BURNS FROM FAMILY DIFFERENCES?

THE WOMEN THREATENED MY KID SO, YEAH, I WANT COMPENSATION.

I'LL TAKE 20,000 FREQUENT FLYER MILES

AND SOME UPGRADE CERTIFICATES.

IS THAT ALRIGHT?

GOOD.

CAN'T BELIEVE THIS COUNTRY. HONESTLY.

[SCREAMING]

HOW DID THEY KNOW WE WERE COMING?

HI. YOU'RE NEW TO THIS, AREN'T YOU?

RICK. RICK SCHILLER.

NEW TO THE MOVIES, HUH, RICK?

NO.

I'M NEW TO DRIVING FOR THE MOVIES.

OH, YEAH?

WHAT DO YOU NORMALLY DO, DIRECT?

YES, ACTUALLY.

ALRIGHT.

SORRY GIRLS.

ONCE AGAIN, I APOLOGIZE ABOUT THE BIG SIGN.

I DIDN'T THINK IT WOULD CAUSE SO MUCH...

HOLY SHIT!

[SCREAMING]

OKAY.. COME ON.

HEY, RICK.

NEXT TIME YOU GO TO PICK UP A MOVIE STAR AT THE AIRPORT,

IT MIGHT BE A GOOD IDEA TO PUT THE NAME

OF THE PRODUCTION COMPANY ON THE SIGN.

THAT'S A GOOD TIP.

MAKE NO MISTAKE ABOUT IT,

AS PRESIDENT OF THIS GREAT NATION OF AMERICA,

I AM THE BOSS.

AND RAISING A NATION IS VERY MUCH LIKE RAISING A FAMILY.

YOU NEED INFINITE PATIENCE.[CELL PHONE RINGS]

AND RAISING A NATION IS VERY MUCH LIKE RAISING A FAMILY.

YOU NEED INFINITE PA- DAMN IT, O'CONNER.

I'M TRYING TO GIVE A PRESIDENTIAL ADDRESS HERE.

I'M SORRY, SIR, BUT IT'S CAMP DAVID.

YOUR SON'S COUNSELOR'S ON THE LINE.

IT SEEMS HIS PRANKS HAVE GONE TOO FAR.

GIVE ME THE DAMN PHONE!

REED, YOU HAVE TO SAY SOMETHING.

JUST IMPROVISE SOMETHING.

I NEED SOMETHING TO CUT ON.

PRESIDENT SPEAKING.

HEY, HE'S HERE.

OKAY, LET'S TAKE A BREAK.

IS THAT OKAY?CUT.

IT'S HARD TO IMPROVISE TALKING ON A PHONE.

THERE'S NOBODY ON THE OTHER END.I UNDERSTAND... YOU WERE WONDERFUL.

IT'S JUST THIS WAY.

EVERYONE IS SUPER-PSYCHED TO MEET YOU.

OH, MY STARS, HERE HE IS. MR. BURNS.

TAYLOR, I'M PHILIP TEMPLEMAN. I'M THE PRODUCER.

GREAT TO MEET YOU.PLEASURE'S MINE, PHIL.

YOU KNOW WHAT? I'LL JUST INTRODUCE YOU TO THE GANG

AND THEN WE'LL GET YOU TO WARDROBE,

AND WE'LL BE OUT OF HERE BEFORE YOU KNOW IT. HOW'S THAT?

SOUNDS GOOD.

YOU KNOW TIM FROM YOUR AGENCY?

HAVEN'T HAD THE PLEASURE.

HE'S EVEN MORE HANDSOME IN PERSON, ISN'T HE TIM?

HE SURE IS, SURE IS.

THANKS PHIL. YOU'RE HANDSOME YOURSELF.

HE'S A GOOD LIAR. I LIKE THAT.

WE'RE GONNA HAVE A FUN SHOOT, I THINK.

SO, ARE YOU THIRSTY? PEPSI?PERRIER.

CAN WE GET WE A PERRIER?

A PERRIER FOR TAYLOR, PLEASE.

AND THIS IS OUR FIRST A.D....

WADE KEELER.WADE KEELER.

ALRIGHT, EVERYBODY.

EVERYBODY!

ATTENTION, PLEASE.

ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT.

IT IS MY PLEASURE AND MY PRIVILEGE

TO INTRODUCE TO YOU THE STAR OF THE FIRST SON.

A DELIGHTFUL YOUNG MAN, AND A TERRIFIC THESPIAN

WITH A LONG FUTURE AHEAD OF HIM.

SO LET'S, PLEASE, GIVE A NICE WELCOME

TO MR. TAYLOR BRANDON BURNS.

[APPLAUSE]THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

THANK YOU, EVERYBODY.

THANK YOU VERY VERY MUCH.

SAVE IT FOR THE ACTING!

[LAUGHTER]

THANK YOU.

HE'LL TAKE THAT.

TAKE ME HOME NOW.

WHAT?

YOU'RE MY DRIVER, RIGHT?

WELL, TECHNICALLY I THINK I'M THE KID'S.

OH, TAYLOR KNOWS ABOUT THIS. HE'S COOL.

WE'LL PICK HIM UP WHEN HE'S DONE.

COME ON, THIS IS GONNA TAKE FOR FUCKIN' EVER.

TRUST ME.

THIS IS YOUR STAND-IN, CORKY.NICE TO MEET YOU.

AND YOUR TUTOR, MR. BUDGE.

HOWDY, PARTNER.

HI.

NATASHA, HAIR. NICOLE, MAKE-UP.

AND OF COURSE, MR. REED HARRISON.

I UNDERSTAND WE SHARE AN AGENT.

YEAH, RIGHT.

DO YOU KNOW CHIP METZGER?

HEY.

HANDSHAKE!

SNAP IT! KNUCKLE IT.

CHEST BUMP. NICE!

LOOK, I HOOKED UP WITH SOME SWEET LADIES THE OTHER NIGHT,

AND THEY'RE DYING TO MEET YOU AND THEY'RE BIG FANS OF YOURS.

YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M SAYING?

YOU WON'T BE DISAPPOINTED.

NOW, DO YOU PARTY?

TAKE A GUESS.

I MEAN, DO YOU PARTY.

WEREN'T YOU IN REHAB OR SOMETHING?

I WAS. THAT'S WHY I'M THINKING YOU SHOULD KEEP MY STASH.

I LOVE THIS KID!

WE'RE ALL VERY EXCITED TO HAVE HIM HERE, CHIP.

AND THIS IS SYDNEY MEHTA.

BUDDY, I'M A BIG FAN OF YOUR WORK ON FAMILY DIFFERENCES.

AND YOU ARE?

I'M THE DIRECTOR.

YEAH, I JUST THOUGHT SOMEONE'S SUPPOSED TO BE HERE

AT ALL TIMES WHEN THE KID IS ON THE SET.

SOMEONE IS.

NO, I MEAN, LIKE A LEGAL GUARDIAN.

LIKE A MOTHER.

FIRST DAY, I'M ALREADY BREAKING THE RULES.

ALL MY LIFE I'VE BEEN AROUND THOSE HORRIBLE STAGE MOTHERS:

GET IN EVERYONE'S FACE,

WAVE THAT FUCKIN' UNION BOOK AROUND ALL THE TIME,

LEECH THE LIFE OFF THE BACKS OF THEIR KIDS.

YOU'RE NOT ONE OF THOSE KIND OF MOTHERS.

NO. I'M NOT.

WHAT KIND OF MOTHER ARE YOU?

YOU'RE NOT SERIOUS.

YEAH. I THINK IT LOOKS SPORTY.

O.K. WHEN YOU SAY SPORTY, DO YOU MEAN GAY?

GENTLEMEN, WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?

TAYLOR DOESN'T LIKE HIS CLOTHES.

LOOK. I'VE GOT A DEAL WITH HUGO BOSS.

WHY DON'T I GET THEM TO SEND UP SOME STUFF.

IT'LL SAVE YOU MONEY AND IT'LL SAVE ME FACE.

THAT'LL BE GREAT BUT...

THE THING IS, WE WANT THE LOOK OF THIS CHARACTER

TO BE, WELL... JUST A LITTLE YOUNGER.

THAT IS THE CONCERN. ISN'T IT, SYDNEY?

YEAH.

SO, ALTHOUGH, WE'RE ALL AWARE OF THE FACT

THAT YOU'RE QUITE A STYLISH YOUNG MAN,

THE PART IS FOR A BOY.

I'D LIKE TO BRING YOUR MOTHER IN ON THIS DISCUSSION.

BRING HER IN, SHE MIGHT LOOK GOOD IN THESE CLOTHES.

SYDNEY, WHERE IS HIS MOTHER?

I DON'T KNOW.

YOU DON'T-

TAYLOR. DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOUR MOTHER IS?

THEY WANTED TO PUT US UP IN A HOTEL.

A HOTEL IS NO PLACE FOR A CHILD,

I DON'T CARE HOW FANCY IT IS.

TAYLOR'S GOING THROUGH A ROUGH TIME, YOU KNOW.

HE'S FRAGILE.

HE'S STILL COMING TO TERMS WITH HIS PARENTS' DIVORCE.

NO, I SAID.

I WANT A NICE HOUSE IN A NICE NEIGHBOURHOOD, NO HOTEL.

THAT'S MY JOB, TO GIVE HIM AS NORMAL A LIFE AS POSSIBLE.

I'LL PAY FOR IT MYSELF IF I HAVE TO.

WELL, THAT'S WHAT I TOLD THEM BUT, YOU KNOW.

ANYWAY I DIDN'T HAVE TO.

YOU CAN'T ARGUE WITH A WOMAN WHO'S FIGHTING FOR HER CHILD.

THE NEXT DAY I GET ALL THESE BEAUTIFUL PICTURES OF HOUSES.

"TAKE YOUR PICK", THEY SAY.

SO, DOES THAT ANSWER YOUR QUESTION?

WHAT QUESTION?

I'M THE KIND OF MOTHER WHO DOES WHAT SHE WANTS.

WELL, IT ANSWERS THAT QUESTION, RAISES OTHERS.

OH, MY GOD! THERE IT IS. AW, IT'S SO PERFECT.

WHERE'S THE A.D. OFFICE?

ATTENTION. I NEED A 20 ON TAYLOR'S MOTHER.

I REPEAT: WHERE IS THE MOTHER?

I THOUGHT SHE WAS WITH YOU.

LOOK. WHEN THE KID IS ON SET

WE HAVE TO PLAY BY THE RULES, ALL RIGHT?

I CANNOT AFFORD A FUCK UP.

SHE'S WITH HER DRIVER.WHICH DRIVER?

SOME DRIVER.

SOME DRIVER...

THE GUY WHO DROVE HER.

CALL TRANSPORT.

DID ANYBODY EVEN SEE THIS DRIVER?

DO WE EVEN KNOW IF HE'S ONE OF OUR DRIVERS?

TRANSPORT.

DO WE? DO WE KNOW IT?

I'M SURE HE'S ONE OF OUR DRIVERS.

THIS IS JUST FUCKING BRILLIANT.

NO. YOU KNOW THIS ISN'T YOUR FAULT.

WE REALLY SHOULD HIRE SOMEONE

TO TAKE CARE OF THIS SORT OF THING.

WAIT A MINUTE. THAT'S FUCKIN' YOU!

LOOK, JAMES KNOWS--WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE?

WHY AREN'T YOU A MEMORY OF SOMEONE THAT I KNEW,

WHO STOOD HERE ONCE?

NOT BAD, HUH?

SEE, RICK, YOU KEEP DIRECTING MOVIES

AND ALL THIS COULD BE YOURS.

I DON'T KNOW.

THE KIND OF MOVIES I DO,

THEY DON'T PUT YOU UP IN HOUSES LIKE THIS.

THE KIND OF MOVIES I DO, YOU HAVE TO GET A DAY JOB

IN ORDER TO PAY FOR THE PRIVILEGE OF MAKING MOVIES.

LIKE BEING A DRIVER.

THIS IS TEMPORARY.

I'M ON CALL.

THEY'RE JUST GIVING ME A COUPLE DAYS TO HELP ME OUT.

YEAH? WHAT'S YOUR DAY JOB?

UNIVERSITY PROFESSOR, CINEMA STUDIES 101.

BUT I GAVE IT ALL UP LAST SEMESTER.

JUST QUIT.

TO BE A DRIVER?

TO MAKE MOVIES.

MAYBE I COULD HELP YOU.

YEAH, I'M SURE YOU COULD.

MAYBE I COULD GET YOU ON AS A FULL-TIME DRIVER.

WOULD YOU LIKE THAT?

HEY! WE GOT ANOTHER GIFT BASKET!

[CELL PHONE RINGS]

THAT'S MY FAVOURITE PART OF MAKING MOVIES.

THAT WOULD BE THE OFFICE.

CHAMPAGNE.

I THINK WE SHOULD BE GOING.

ARE YOU MARRIED, RICK?

YEAH, WELL, TECHNICALLY I STILL AM.

BUT YOU HAVE AN OPEN RELATIONSHIP?

SO FAR IT'S BEEN PRETTY OPEN FROM HER SIDE.

WHY DON'T YOU GRAB THE LUGGAGE OUT OF THE TRUNK

AND MEET ME UPSTAIRS?

I'LL BE IN THE BEDROOM.

YEAH, OKAY, BUT,

I THINK WE REALLY SHOULD BE GOING.

[BUZZING]

SWEETHEART? I'M HOME!

[♪]

WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO?

MIND NOT PLAYING THAT THING IN THE KITCHEN?

PEOPLE EAT AT THAT TABLE.

YOU REMEMBER BASIL, MY STUDENT.

NO, I DON'T.

I CAN'T KEEP TRACK.

A WOMAN NAMED SUSAN CALLED.

SUZANNE. THAT'S THE MOTHER OF MY CLIENT.

DON'T BULLSHIT ME.

SHE SAID "TELL HIM, THANK YOU"

IN A WAY THAT WAS VERY LOADED AND SUGGESTIVE.

I THINK I KNOW WHAT "THANK YOU" MEANS.

REALLY. I FIND THAT HARD TO BELIEVE.

WHAT DID SHE SAY?

SHE SAID IT'S A GO.

YOU'RE ON FULL TIME, WHATEVER THAT MEANS.

IT MEANS THAT I WAS HIRED AS A FLOAT

AND THAT SHE TALKED TO THE PRODUCERS,

AND NOW YOU'RE LOOKING AT THE FULL-TIME DRIVER

OF TAYLOR BRANDON BURNS. ...THE ACTOR.

NEVER HEARD OF HIM.

I HEARD HE PUTS GOLDFISH UP HIS ASS.

HE'S 12 YEARS OLD.

THAT'S ABOUT YOUR SPEED, RICK.

SO?SO, WHAT?

DOES HE?DOES HE WHAT?

PUT GOLDFISH UP HIS ASS.

WELL, BASIL, I HAVEN'T SEEN ANY GOLDFISH.

BUT THEN AGAIN, IF THEY WERE UP HIS ASS,

I WOULDN'T SEE THEM, WOULD I?

BASIL CAME OVER TO HELP ME PACK YOUR STUFF.

WHAT?

I TOLD YOU, IT'S CLUTTERING THE APARTMENT.

KEEP IT IN YOUR CORNER, OR PUT IT IN THE TRUNK OF THE CAR.

SO, THIS IS IT.

THREE BOXES.

THIS IS ALL I HAVE?

EVERYTHING THAT IS LEFT OF THIS RELATIONSHIP

HAS COME DOWN TO THIS.

THREE BOXES...

PLUS THIS.

YOUR PICK-UP TIME FOR TAYLOR IS 6:15 TOMORROW MORNING.

DON'T WAKE US UP.

[LAUGHTER & SQUEALING IN BEDROOM]

[ALARM BUZZES]

[♪]

FEELING GOOD?

GOOD.

ALRIGHT TAY, THIS IS THE SCENE WHERE YOU TAKE CHARGE

AND SHOW THESE WHITE HOUSE FLACKS

YOU ARE NOT SOME LITTLE PUNK KID

THEY CAN PUSH AROUND, ALRIGHT?

NOW, THE CAMERA IS GOING TO SWOOP DOWN, IT'S A WICKED SHOT,

AND WHEN THE CRANE GETS HERE, AND WE CALL THE SECOND ACTION,

YOU KICK ASS! ALRIGHT?

RIGHT?

OKAY, LET'S DO THIS!

[BELL RINGS]

[♪]

ACTION!

WE'RE GOING TO SPEND A LOT OF TIME TOGETHER, YOU AND I.

EVERY TIME THERE'S A BREAK ON SET, WE'LL COME HERE,

MEET IN OUR LITTLE TRAILER.

WE'RE LUCKY ON THIS FILM 'CAUSE THERE'S NO OTHER KIDS.

IT'S ONE ON ONE.

NO OVERCROWDED CLASSROOMS HERE!

AND... ACTION!

NOW, I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED EXACTLY

BETWEEN YOU AND MR. BUDGE.

BUT IN MY EXPERIENCE, THESE PROBLEMS ARISE

DUE TO A LACK OF COMMUNICATION.

YOU THINK YOU CAN SCARE ME AWAY? IS THAT WHAT YOU THINK?

WELL, YOU BETTER THINK AGAIN, BUSTER.

I'M NOT A SCAREDY-CAT LIKE THOSE PREVIOUS TUTORS.

I CANNOT WAIT. I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE WHAT LITTLE ANTICS

YOU COME UP WITH TOMORROW.

GIVE 'EM HELL, TAYLOR.

ACTION!

DAD, CAN YOU HEAR ME?

MRS. BIRNBAUM, WE NEED TO TALK.

OKAY. TALK.

NO TUTOR CAME IN TODAY.

TAYLOR'S ALONE?

NO ACCREDITED TEACHER WANTS TO COME IN.

APPARENTLY, THERE HAVE BEEN COMPLAINTS ABOUT HIS ATTITUDE-

WHAT ATTITUDE?

LIKE HE DOESN'T WANT TO BE IN SCHOOL.

WELL, NO KIDDING. HE'S A 12-YEAR-OLD KID.

YES, BUT APPARENTLY HE'S RUDE-

OKAY. JUST WAIT A MINUTE.

WHERE I COME FROM, IN AMERICA, WE DON'T BLAME THE CHILD.

IF THERE'S A PROBLEM WITH TAYLOR'S EDUCATION

THEN THE PROBLEM IS WITH THE SYSTEM,

AND YOU'RE THE SYSTEM.

YES, BUT IN THE MEANTIME-

IN THE MEANTIME, FIND SOMEONE TO TEACH THAT BOY.

HOW MUCH ARE YOU PAYING THESE PEOPLE?

REGULAR SCHOOL-BOARD RATES, I GUESS.

YEAH, THAT WOULD BE MY GUESS TOO.

PAY 'EM MORE.

PAY 'EM WHAT YOU HAVE TO PAY 'EM.

HEY, RICK.

DID YOU GRADUATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL?

I TAUGHT UNIVERSITY FOR 4 YEARS.

CAN YOU COME WITH ME FOR A SECOND?

I NEED YOU TO DO ME A PRETTY BIG FAVOUR.

ARE YOU GOOD WITH MATH?

IS THIS A JOKE?

THIS IS AN INSULT TO MY INTELLIGENCE.YEAH? MINE TOO.

WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO BE?

THIS IS MY TRUSTY TECHNICOLOR SUPER-6 FROM 1972.

I USE IT AS A KIND OF PERSONAL DIARY, AND I THOUGHT,

IF YOU LIKE, I COULD SHOW YOU HOW TO USE IT.

NO RESPONSIBLE ADULT

WOULD ENCOURAGE A CHILD TO MAKE MOVIES.

I THOUGHT IT'S A SUBJECT

THAT MIGHT BE CLOSER TO YOUR INTERESTS.

TURN OFF THE CAMERA.

TURN IT OFF!OKAY.

I DON'T NEED CREATIVE TEACHING TECHNIQUES, OKAY?

OKAY.

I HATE THAT SHIT.

ALL I NEED IS A TUTOR WHO DOES THE JOB.

AND WHAT'S THE JOB?

SEE THOSE BOOKS ON THE TABLE OVER THERE?

AT THE END OF THE YEAR,

THE STATE OF CALIFORNIA SENDS ME

A GRADE 7 EQUIVALENCY TEST.

IF I DON'T PASS, IT'S NOT GOOD.

OKAY, WELL THAT DOESN'T SEEM TOO HARD.

WHERE WE DO WE START?

PICK A BOOK.

OKAY. HOW 'BOUT...

CATCHER IN THE RYE?

I KNEW YOU'D PICK THAT ONE.

IT'S THE FAVOURITE OF ALL THE LOSERS AND SOCIAL MISFITS.

YEAH, AND THE GUYS WHO WANT TO KILL CELEBRITIES.

SOUNDS LIKE A GOOD RECOMMENDATION.

THEN WHY DON'T YOU READ IT?

I HAVE.OUT LOUD.

WHY DON'T YOU SIT DOWN,

OPEN THE BOOK TO PAGE 1 AND READ IT TO ME?

I'M PRETTY SURE THAT'S YOUR JOB.

LOOK. I WORK HARD.

I READ SCRIPTS EVERY DAY,

AND WHEN I COME IN THIS TRAILER I WANT A RELAXING ENVIRONMENT

AND I DON'T WANT TO WASTE MY TIME READING.

I'M NOT YOUR SERVANT, TAYLOR.

WHAT DO YOU THINK A CHAUFFEUR IS?

I'M NOT READING THIS BOOK.

ALRIGHT. PICK ANOTHER-IT'S CHEATING.

IF I'M THE TEACHER, YOU DO THE READING.

I DON'T THINK SO, DUDE.

PARDON ME?

YOU'LL DO WHATEVER I TELL YOU TO DO.

OR WHAT?OR YOU'RE FIRED.

YOU CAN'T FIRE ME, YOU'RE NOT MY BOSS.

AND I'M NOT A REAL TEACHER ANYWAY.

MY MOM CAN FIRE YOU.FOR WHAT?

NOT DOING YOUR HOMEWORK?

BECAUSE I COULD SAY YOU DID SOMETHING.

LIKE WHAT?SOMETHING BAD.

YOU MOLESTED ME?

REALLY. YOU'D SAY THAT.

SHE'D BELIEVE ME. I'M A GOOD ACTOR.

YEAH, SO THEY SAY.

PEOPLE TRY TO MOLEST ME ALL THE TIME.

I'M SURE THEY DO.

THEY SEND LETTERS.

MY MOM TRIES TO BLOCK THEM FROM ME BUT I'VE SEEN THEM,

THEY'RE DISGUSTING.

WELL, FINE. YOU TELL HER WHAT YOU LIKE.

I WILL.

WELL, GO AHEAD! SOUNDS LIKE FUN.

SHE'LL BELIEVE ME.I DON'T THINK SO.

WHY NOT?'CAUSE I'M FUCKING HER.

[CLEARS THROAT]

[SOUND OF AUTOMATIC DOOR]

CORNER OF SPADINA.

YEAH. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE THAT IS.

ALRIGHT. WELL, THAT'D BE GREAT.

HOLD ON. HEY, BABY.

GIVE 'EM HELL, OKAY?

OKAY. I'LL BE THERE.

SO THAT WENT WELL.OH, GOODY.

THE KID JUST WANTED TO HEAR THE TRUTH.

GOT TIRED OF THE BULLSHIT.

OH, YEAH? IS THAT YOUR TECHNIQUE?

WORKS EVERY TIME.

GUYS, PUT THE NOSE CONE ON, PLEASE.

AFTER THE NOSE CONE IS PUT ON,

WE'RE GOING RIGHT AWAY!

TAYLOR, CAN YOU HEAR ME?

TAYLOR? TAY-- TAYLOR?

CAN YOU HEA-- TAYLOR? TAYLOR?

TAYLOR, CAN YOU HEAR ME?

LOOKING GOOD, MAN. READY?

ALRIGHT, LET'S DO THIS!

OK, LOCK IT UP! PICTURE'S UP.

ALRIGHT, WE ARE READY TO ROLL.

READY, TAYLOR?

I'M GLAD IT WENT WELL 'CAUSE I HAVE SOME SHOPPING TO DO TODAY.

OH, YEAH, FOR WHAT?

PIANO FOR TAYLOR.

THOSE CHEAP FUCKING BASTARDS IN PRODUCTION

DON'T WANT TO GET HIM ONE.

I'VE BEEN SCREAMING AT THEM ALL MORNING.

SO, I HAVE TO GET IT MYSELF. IT'S ALRIGHT.

IT JUST MEANS THAT I'LL BE GONE MOST OF THE AFTERNOON.

I WAS WONDERING IF YOU COULD WATCH TAY.

YEAH, SURE.

ACTION.

GOTTA PLAY IT BY THE BOOK.

THEY GAVE ME A TALKING TO.

NO PROBLEM.

GREAT.

IF YOU COULD JUST SIGN THESE.

WHAT?

[GRUNTING]

OKAY. COME ON. THIS IS LIKE A SEESAW.

UUHHH... WHAT ARE THESE?

IT JUST SAYS THAT YOU OFFICIALLY AGREE

TO BE TAYLOR'S LEGAL GUARDIAN.

WHAT?IT'S JUST A FORMALITY.

IT MAKES IT SO I CAN LEAVE THE SET.

TAYLOR AND I THOUGHT THAT'D BE GREAT.

CUT!

I WANT THIS WAY MORE VIOLENT...

SYD? I'M A BIT THIRSTY.

CAN I GET A BOTTLE OF PERRIER?

SYD...

TAYLOR?

I NEED YOU TO BE...

WAY MORE SCARED ON THIS ONE, ALRIGHT?

WAY MORE SCARED!

SYD, CAN I GET A BOTTLE OF PERRIER, PLEASE?

...NEED TO SEE TERROR IN YOUR EYES...

SYD, CAN YOU HEAR ME?

YEAH, WE'RE GONNA REALLY WANNA SPIN THIS PUPPY, ALRIGHT?

QUIET PLEASE, ROLL SOUND!OKAY BUDDY, MAKE ME A BELIEVER. LET'S DO THIS!

QUIET.

ACTION!

[POPPING SOUNDS]

JESUS.

HE'S A GREAT FUCKING ACTOR.

[FAST BREATHING]

OH, MAN, THIS IS LIKE SOME MEDIEVAL TORTURE MACHINE.

TAKE IT UP!

DON'T THEY HAVE THIS NOW?

...SPARKS!

AND SMOKE!

[YELLING]

SHOULDN'T WE STEP IN HERE?

RICK, NO. NO.

DAD, I WON'T...

...LET YOU DOWN!EXPLOSION.

CUT!

JUST SIGN.

THAT WAS BEAUTIFUL, BUDDY.

SERIOUSLY BEAUTIFUL.

NOW, WHEN WE DO IT AGAIN, REMEMBER WHAT I SAID.

KEEP YOUR VOICE UP.

I WANT YOU SCREAMING LIKE A BOY, NOT A MAN.

ALL RIGHT. THAT'S IT. THAT'S ENOUGH.

NO, MOM. I'M COOL. REALLY.

THAT'S MY BOY.

ALL RIGHT.

YOU GET 3 TAKES, MAXIMUM.

MAXIMUM!

RICK, TAKE GOOD CARE OF HIM.

YEAH...

ALL RIGHT, WE'RE GONNA GO FOR ANOTHER ONE.

ROLL SOUND!

ACTION!

[KNOCKING]

WHAT'RE YOU DOING IN HERE?

WAITING FOR SOMEONE FROM MAKE-UP TO CLEAN OFF MY FACE.

TOUGH DAY OUT THERE. YOU OKAY?

IS THERE ANYTHING I COULD DO TO HELP?

YEAH, MAYBE.

WHAT?

COULD YOU GO FIND SOMEONE FROM MAKE-UP TO CLEAN OFF MY FACE?

SURE.

I'LL WAIT OUTSIDE.

AND CHIP WANTS TO COME WITH US, IF THAT'S OKAY WITH YOU.

YOUR MUM'S NOT HERE, SO IT'LL JUST BE US GUYS.

MAYBE WE CAN TAKE THE SCENIC ROUTE.

RICK.YEAH?

IF YOU FEEL AS IF YOU HAVE PRIVILEGED ACCESS TO MY LIFE,

IT'S BECAUSE I GAVE YOU THAT PRIVILEGE.

UH HUH.

I LET YOU IN MY LIFE BECAUSE I HAVE A PLAN,

AND I THINK I CAN USE YOU.

USE ME FOR WHAT?

[SIGH]

I NEED SOME HELP WITH THE LADIES.

YEEEEAH! TORONTO!

LOCK UP YOUR DAUGHTERS!

I DON'T KNOW, TAYLOR.

I JUST DON'T KNOW IF I'M THE RIGHT PERSON FOR THIS CONVERSATION.

I JUST NEED SOME BASIC HELP WITH MY TECHNIQUE.

YEAH, TECHNIQUE, YOU KNOW, I DON'T HAVE ANY TECHNIQUE.

ALL WOMEN ARE INDIVIDUAL CASES FOR ME.

I'M NOT ONE OF THOSE GUYS

WITH SOME OVERALL SYSTEM OR SOMETHING.

YOU BAGGED MY MOM, DIDN'T YOU?

YEAH, BUT THAT WAS

NO GREAT TECHNICAL ACHIEVEMENT OR ANYTHING.

ARE YOU SAYING MY MOM WAS EASY?

NO... NO, I'M JUST SAYING...

WHAT DID YOU WANNA KNOW?

HOW DO YOU FIND THE APPROPRIATE GIRL?

"APPROPRIATE"? ONE GLASS.

PROMISE NOT TO TELL, OKAY?

THE GIRLS I MEET ON THE JOB, MOST OF THEM,

THEY'RE NOT MY AGE GROUP.

AND IF THEY ARE, THEN, YOU KNOW,

THEY'RE NOT MY SUCCESS LEVEL.

SO?

SO I'M MORE ADVANCED THAN THEY ARE.

YEAH, TAYLOR, WE'RE NOT TALKING ABOUT MARRIAGE HERE.

I WANT A MEANINGFUL RELATIONSHIP.

AND YOU ARE WHAT?TWELVE.

YEAH, TAYLOR, MEANING COMES WITH TIME, YOU KNOW.

BUT THERE'S LOTS OF FUN YOU CAN HAVE WITH A GIRL

WITHOUT, YOU KNOW, MEANING.

TRUST ME ON THAT.

GENTLEMEN!

IT'S MY DISTINGUISHED PLEASURE

TO INTRODUCE YOU TO OUR NEW FRIENDS.

THIS IS NA-

NATHALIE.NATHALIE...

ANGIE.

AND, BELIEVE IT OR NOT, ANGIE.

TWO ANGIES?

YEAH, BUT WE'RE NOT SISTERS OR ANYTHING.

BUT SOMETIMES PEOPLE THINK WE ARE.

GOOD TO KNOW![CELL PHONE RINGS]

NATHALIE HERE IS A BIG FAN OF YOURS.

YEAH, I'M ALSO AN ACTOR.

SLASH...

ACTOR-SLASH-MODEL.

SLASH...

SLASH-NOTHING.

FUCK YOU.

SO ARE YOU REALLY TAYLOR BRANDON BURNS?

YEAH.

TAYLOR, THAT WAS YOUR MOTHER ON THE PHONE.

SORRY...

OKAY.

WE SHOULD DRINK UP.

MY ADVICE TO YOU IS, YOU'VE GOTTA LEARN TO RELAX.

I SEE YOU TAKING ALL THIS PRESSURE ON YOURSELF

WITH NO MEANS OF RELEASE.

IT'S NOT HEALTHY.

YOU'VE GOTTA LEARN HOW TO JUST HANG OUT WITH GIRLS

AND HAVE FUN.

YOU KNOW, IT IS POSSIBLE JUST TO HAVE FUN.

YOU MEAN, LIKE SEX?

NO, BUT, YEAH, THAT TOO.

YOU GOTTA GET SOME EXPERIENCE UNDER YOUR BELT.

HOW DO YOU KNOW I'M NOT EXPERIENCED.

NO 12-YEAR-OLD IS EXPERIENCED, TAYLOR.

I KNOW ABOUT SEX.

I KNOW ABOUT FOREPLAY.

I'M SURE YOU'VE DONE YOUR HOMEWORK.

I KNOW ABOUT THE CLITORIS.

YEAH, WELL, THAT'S NOT WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT, TAYLOR.

THE CLITORIS ISN'T IMPORTANT.

I MEAN, IT'S IMPORTANT, DON'T GET ME WRONG.

WE CAN GO OVER THIS IN HEALTH CLASS.

BUT WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT IS GETTING SOME LIFE EXPERIENCE.

LEARNING TO BE COOL SO YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO

WHEN THE RIGHT GIRL COMES ALONG, YOU KNOW?

BUT HOW DO YOU KNOW WHEN THE RIGHT GIRL COMES ALONG?

YOU'LL KNOW, YOU'LL KNOW.

IT'S JUST SO HARD TO GET IT GOING.

YEAH! TELL ME ABOUT IT.

THEY ALWAYS SEEM TO BE JUDGING YOU.

YEAH, AND YOU'RE JUDGING THEM.

BUT WHAT'RE YOU WORRIED ABOUT?

YOU'RE RICH, YOU'RE FAMOUS, YOU'RE A HANDSOME MOTHERFUCKER.

YOU BETTER HOPE THEY JUDGE YOU.

YOU'RE GONNA BE JUST FINE.

DON'T YOU WORRY ABOUT A THING.

I'D BE JEALOUS OF YOU IF I WERE 12 YEARS OLD.

IN FACT, I AM JEALOUS OF YOU BUT...

FORTUNATELY, I HAVE A LADY WAITING FOR ME UPSTAIRS.

ALL RIGHT.

UMM... THANKS, MAN.

LOOK AT YOU. YOU'VE GOT THE WORLD AT YOUR FEET.

ENJOY IT WHILE YOU CAN.

LIVE A LITTLE.

BAD BOY.

DID YOU CLOSE THE DOOR?

IT'S CLOSED.

GOOD.

I DON'T WANT TAYLOR KNOWING ABOUT THIS JUST YET.

HE'S HAVING A HARD TIME GETTING OVER HIS FATHER.

DON'T WORRY, HE'S DOWNSTAIRS PLAYING VIDEO GAMES.

HE'LL BE FINE.

[VIDEO GAME NOISE]

[♪]

TAYLOR, GET DOWN, BUDDY!

I HEARD A STORY ABOUT TAYLOR AND A GOLDFISH.

THAT'S BULLSHIT.

THAT'S TABLOID BULLSHIT.

WE ACTORS HATE THAT SHIT.

WAIT A MINUTE. ARE YOU AN ACTOR?

CHIP METZGER!

CHIP METZGER! DADDY'S FAVOURITE?

OH MY GOD!

YOU'RE THAT GUY!

YEAH, YEAH!

HE'S SO CUTE.

WHAT WAS THAT LINE YOU USED TO SAY?

I DON'T DO THAT NO MORE.

"WHO YOU TRYIN' TO FOOL?"

THAT'S OLD SCHOOL.

WHO YOU TRYIN' TO FOOL?

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO GET ME

PRETTY FUCKING WASTED TO REPEAT THAT.

WHICH ISN'T OUT OF THE REALM OF POSSIBILITY.

SHALL WE GO FOR A TOOT?

YOU USED TO BE SO...SO CUTE.

THAT KID IS OUT OF CONTROL.

[♪]

[♪]

HEY! LET'S GO!

WANNA HAVE A GOOD TIME TAYLOR?

WANNA HAVE A GOOD TIME?WHAT?

YEAH! I'M HAVING A GOOD TIME.

YOU AND ME. LET'S GO SOMEWHERE.

OH, YEAH. OKAY. YEAH.

IT'S GONNA BE A BIG NIGHT FOR TAYLOR BRANDON BURNS.

[♪]

[SOUND OF LOVEMAKING]

DID I MAKE A LOT OF NOISE?

NO, NOT A PEEP.REALLY?

BECAUSE I USUALLY MAKE A LOT OF NOISE.

OH...

WHAT AM I DOING WRONG?

NO, DON'T TURN ON THE LIGHT.

I BETTER GO.

I'LL CHECK IN ON TAY BEFORE I LEAVE.

NO, STAY THE NIGHT.

WE'LL TELL TAYLOR IN THE MORNING.

HE'LL BE FINE.

HE NEEDS A GOOD MALE ROLE MODEL.

SO DO I.

[LAUGHTER]

THIS IS WHERE THE MAGIC HAPPENS.

WE'RE GONNA KEEP THE GUARDS HAPPY

FOR ABOUT 20 MINUTES OR SO.

KIDS YOU DO YOUR BUSINESS, YOU HAVE FUN.

LET'S GO!

SO...

THIS IS WHERE THEY MAKE MOVIES.

I'M AFRAID TO SPEAK OUT LOUD.

YOU CAN SPEAK.

[YELLS]

[YELLING]

I'M GONNA WORK HERE ONE DAY, I BET.

I BET.

I HAVE A MODELING GIG TOMORROW.

SO, WHAT KIND OF MOVIES WOULD YOU LIKE TO MAKE?

OH, I DON'T KNOW. LIKE, PRETTY WOMAN.

YOU KNOW, WITH JULIA ROBERTS.

SHE'S GOT A GREAT SMILE.

YEAH, A MEGAWATT.

SO, WHERE DO YOU WANT TO DO IT?

THE GREEN ROOM? THE ROSE ROOM?

THE LINCOLN BEDROOM?

I DON'T KNOW. IT'S YOUR FANTASY.

I'M CANADIAN.

THIS IS JUST LIKE THAT MOVIE.

WHICH ONE?

YOU KNOW, THE ONE WITH THE PRESIDENT GETTING THE BLOW-JOB?

OH, YEAH. RIGHT.

SO, I GUESS WE SHOULD DO IT, HUH?

LOOK. I'M NOT A PROSTITUTE. YOU KNOW?

I DIDN'T THINK YOU WERE.

I MEAN, I WOULD'VE DONE IT FOR NO MONEY,

BUT YOUR FRIEND OFFERED SO I TOOK IT.

HE THINKS HE'S BIG SHIT, BUT HE'S A SUCKER, RIGHT?

ARE YOU SURE YOU'VE DONE THIS BEFORE?

OH, YEAH. TOTALLY.

MANY, MANY TIMES.

I MAY FORGET CERTAIN THINGS, THOUGH.

IT'S OKAY. I'LL REMIND YOU.

COULD YOU JUST WAIT OUTSIDE FOR A SECOND?

OUTSIDE?

YEAH. JUST OUT OF THE ROOM.

I'VE GOT TO TAKE OFF MY CLOTHES.

HOW 'BOUT I JUST TURN AROUND AND CLOSE MY EYES?

OKAY. DO IT.

IT'S GONNA BE FUN.

I REALLY LIKE YOU.PLEASE CLOSE YOUR EYES.

[PHONE RINGS]

HELLO.

WHAT?

NO. NO ONE TOLD US ANYTHING ABOUT A BOOK SIGNING.

NO, RICK'S NOT HERE YET.

DID YOU TRY HIM AT HIS HOUSE?

WELL THEN, HE'S PROBABLY ON HIS WAY.

OH, WAIT. I JUST HEARD A CAR.

THAT'S PROBABLY HIM.

TAYLOR!

RISE AND SHINE, SWEET THING, WE GOTTA HUSTLE.

WE HAVE A PROBLEM HERE.

[CLEARS THROAT]

EVERYONE, CAN I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION.

UNFORTUNATELY, I'VE JUST BEEN TOLD,

THAT TAYLOR WILL NOT BE ABLE TO MAKE TODAY'S SIGNING.

I KNOW, I KNOW.[GROANING]

I'M VERY SORRY.

APPARENTLY, HIS DOG, BANJO,

HAD TO BE TAKEN TO THE VET THIS MORNING.

AND TAYLOR WANTED TO BE WITH HIM.

THIS IS MORE THAN JUST A LITTLE PROBLEM.

I UNDERSTAND.

LOOK. I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU GOT THIS JOB, RICK.

SCHILLER, IS IT? LIKE THE KID IN THE THE CHAMP, RIGHT?

THAT'S SCHRODER.

IT'S SCHILLER, LIKE THE GERMAN POET.

ANYWAY, LOOK, YOU GOT THE JOB SOMEHOW

AND I'M GONNA HOLD YOU TO IT.

YOU ARE THE KID'S LEGAL GUARDIAN.

I UNDERSTAND.STOP SAYING YOU UNDERSTAND.

I HAVE NO CONFIDENCE AT ALL IN YOUR UNDERSTANDING.

SOMEONE WHO UNDERSTOOD WOULD NOT TAKE A CHILD TO A BAR,

GET HIM LIQUORED UP AND FORGET ABOUT A BOOK SIGNING.

IT NEVER OCCURRED TO ME HE HAD AN AUTOBIOGRAPHY.

HE'S 12 YEARS OLD.

NO ONE EXPECTS ANYTHING TO OCCUR TO YOU, RICK.

WE EXPS.

DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT MOVIES?

DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW HARD IT IS

TO BREAK DOWN A SHOOT FOR A MINOR?

WE HAVE 6 HOURS A DAY WITH TAYLOR,

BY STRICT UNION REGULATIONS.

SIX HOURS A DAY, AND HE HAPPENS TO BE THE STAR OF THIS PICTURE.

SURE. ONE DAY, I CAN JUGGLE THINGS AROUND A LITTLE BIT.

BUT GOD FORBID HE'S STILL MISSING TOMORROW.

I'VE GOT THE STUDIO ON MY ASS.

I'VE GOT HIS AGENTS. I'VE GOT THE POLICE.

I'VE GOT THE PRESS ON MY ASS.

AND I BLEED MONEY.EXCUSE ME, PHIL.

WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I GIVE SHIT ABOUT YOUR ASS?

SUZANNE?I DON'T CARE ABOUT HIS ASS.

"BLEED MONEY"?

WHAT A JUXTAPOSITION.

WE'RE LOOKING FOR TAYLOR,

BECAUSE HE'S 12 YEARS OLD AND HE'S LOST.

NOT BECAUSE OF YOU OR YOUR STUPID MOVIE,

OR YOUR SCHEDULING PROBLEMS.

THAT'S WHY HE TOOK OFF IN THE FIRST PLACE:

BECAUSE OF YOUR CHEAP FUCKING PRODUCTION.

SO, YOU CAN FIRE ME HERE RIGHT NOW, OR YOU CAN HELP.

WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?

I GUESS YOU'VE GOT HEAD SHOTS

OF EVERY ACTOR WHO WORKS IN TOWN?

WE CAN GET THEM ON-LINE.

AND IF I POINT TO PICTURE, CAN YOU TELL ME WHERE SHE IS?

WE CAN CALL THE AGENT. THEY USUALLY EXCEPT MY CALLS.

SO, WHAT'S THE NAME?

NATHALIE SOMETHING, ACTRESS-SLASH-MODEL.

THAT'S REALLY GOING TO NARROW IT DOWN, RICK.

IT'S SO RARE THAT SOMEONE CAN DO BOTH.

AND SEXY!

THE CAR IS YOUR BOYFRIEND!

[♪]

[♪]

I THINK MAYBE WE SHOULD CALL THE POLICE.

NO. THIS WOULD BE TERRIBLE FOR TAYLOR'S CAREER.

WE'LL FIND HIM.

ALRIGHT THEN. YOU HAVE TO HELP ME.

YOU HAVE TO TELL ME EVERYONE TAYLOR'S COME INTO CONTACT WITH

SINCE HE CAME TO CANADA.

CAN YOU THINK OF ANYONE WHO MIGHT HARBOUR ILL FEELINGS?

JUST THE CREW.

[♪]

TAYLOR MENTIONED SOMETHING ABOUT LETTERS FROM PERVERTS?

THAT'S NOTHING.

I THINK WE HAVE TO CONSIDER THE WORST POSSIBLE OPTION.

I DON'T WANT TAYLOR READING HIS FAN MAIL

AND GETTING AN INFLATED EGO.

SO, I TELL HIM THE LETTERS ARE FOM PERVERTS.

THERE ARE NO PERVERTS?

NO. OF COURSE, THERE ARE.

BUT THE PERVERTS ARE NEVER THE PROBLEM.

EVERYONE WANTS TO BLAME THE PERVERTS.

IT ALWAYS ENDS UP BEING THE FATHER OR SOMETHING.

CUT! LET'S PUSH IT. IT NEEDS MORE EDGE.

NATHALIE.

THIS IS AN IMPORTANT CAMPAIGN

FOR AN IMPORTANT AMERICAN MONTHLY.

WEDGE. YOU KNOW WHO READS THAT MAGAZINE?

HORNY COLLEGE STUDENTS AND PEDOPHILES.

SOMETIMES.

YOU KNOW WHO ELSE? WOMEN.

WOMEN WANT TO KNOW WHAT OTHER WOMEN LOOK LIKE.

THEY FIND IT INSPIRING THAT SOMEONE AS BEAUTIFUL AS YOU

IS SO CONFIDENT WITH HER SEXUALITY.

YOU WANT ME TO TAKE MY SHIRT OFF.

EVERYONE THIS IS A CLOSED SET.

WE NEED YOU ALL TO LEAVE THE ROOM.

THEY SAID THAT THERE WASN'T GOING TO BE ANY NUDITY.

WELL, WHAT ABOUT THE FATHER?

OH, NO.

TAYLOR'S FATHER WOULD NEVER SUPPORT ANY SCHEME

THAT FORCED TAYLOR TO MISS A DAY OF WORK.

ARE YOU SERIOUS?

IS THIS ABOUT MONEY OR SOMETHING?

'CAUSE YOU DO KNOW THAT I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO ACCEPT

THESE UNSCHEDULED PHONE CALLS.

LOOK, IF IT IS ABOUT MONEY,

THEN WE CAN SET UP AN APPOINTMENT AND TALK.

BUT IT'S SOMETHING I PREFER TO DO WITH MY LAWYERS PRESENT.

UNDERSTAND?

AND ANOTHER THING: IF SUZANNE IS PUTTING YOU UP TO THIS,

IF SHE'S THERE NOW EGGING YOU ON,

YOU TELL HER THERE IS NOTHING MORE DESPICABLE

THAN USING A FATHER'S CONCERN FOR HIS SON TO GET MONEY.

I DO HAVE FEELINGS, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

LOOK, I'D LOVE TO MEET WITH YOU AND TALK ABOUT THIS.

NOW, WE CAN TALK ABOUT ANYTHING YOU WANT.

COME HEAR THE BAND.

IT'S REALLY COMING TOGETHER.

THANKS TO YOUR INVESTMENT.

BUT IN THE MEANTIME, THAT'S WHY WE HAVE THE SCHEDULE, RIGHT?

I LOVE YOU TOO, SON.

IS NATHALIE ALEXIS IN THERE?

UH-HUH, BUT YOU CAN'T GO IN.

MAYBE THIS WILL CHANGE YOUR MIND.

YOU SNUCK IN.

OKAY, NATHALIE, SWEET, SWEET!

POUTY LIPS, POUTY LIPS. OKAY, LITTLE BO' PEEP.

UH, NATHALIE,

COULD I HAVE A WORD WITH YOU?

DON'T WORRY, I'M NOT LOOKING.

WHO ARE YOU?

I'M FROM THE UNION.

I'M HERE TO CHECK ON WORKING CONDITIONS.

WHAT UNION?

AUTOWORKERS OF CANADA.

I'LL WAIT FOR YOU OUTSIDE.

I JUST NEED TO KNOW WHERE TAYLOR IS.

I KNOW YOU WERE WITH HIM LAST NIGHT,

AND I SHOWED YOUR PICTURE TO SECURITY AT THE STUDIO, SO...

HIS FRIEND, CHIP, TOLD ME TO GIVE HIM A GOOD TIME.

HE DID?

AND DID YOU?

DID I WHAT?

HAVE A GOOD TIME?

WELL, SURE. I MEAN, I'D NEVER SEEN A STUDIO BEFORE.

NO, COME ON. YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

I DON'T KNOW.

I MEAN, TAYLOR IS SWEET AND EVERYTHING AND HE TRIED HARD.

BUT HE'S A LITTLE IMMATURE.

YEAH, HE'S 12 YEARS OLD.

YEAH, I KNOW. I FIGURED THAT OUT PRETTY FAST.

AT FIRST I THOUGHT HE WAS ONE OF THOSE CHILD STARS,

LIKE GARY COLEMAN OR WEBSTER,

WHO LOOKS LIKE HE'S 12 BUT HE'S 20.

AND THEN WHAT HAPPENED?

AND THEN HE TOOK ME TO BREAKFAST AT FRAN'S,

AND TOLD ME I'D ALWAYS BE HIS FIRST.

YOU'RE KIDDING.

AND THEN I HAD TO COME HERE FOR THE SHOOT SO WE SAID GOOD-BYE.

HE WENT HOME.

I MEAN, I HOPE NOTHING'S WRONG.

YEAH. SOMETHING IS WRONG.

HE DIDN'T GO HOME.

AND HE'S A KID, NOT SOME FREAK WITH A PITUITARY PROBLEM.

LOOK, NATHALIE.

IF HE CONTACTS YOU AGAIN OR IF YOU SEE HIM,

PLEASE, PLEASE, GIVE ME A CALL.

I'LL GIVE YOU MY CELL. OKAY?

RICK? THAT'S YOUR NAME?

CAN YOU DO ME A FAVOUR?

CAN YOU GO BACK IN THERE AND TELL THEM I'M TAKING FIVE.

YOU ALRIGHT?

I'M FINE.

ARE YOU SURE? YOU LOOK KIND OF SAD.

IT'S MY APPEAL.

PLEASE KEEP IN TOUCH. OKAY?OKAY.

ANYTHING?

OH, GOD.

IS HE GONE?

I HATE LYING LIKE THAT.

IT'S BAD KARMA.

YOU SAID YOU WANTED TO BE AN ACTOR.

LET'S GO SOMEWHERE.

I'M BORED OUT OF MY SKULL.

SOME OF US HAVE TO WORK FOR A LIVING.

FUCK THAT.

YOU GOT A CAR.

SO, LIVE A LITTLE.

OH, MY GOD. [LAUGHS]

WHERE ARE WE GOING?

WHERE DO YOU WANT TO GO?

TAHITI?

OKAY, IT HAS TO BE SOMEWHERE WE CAN DRIVE TO.

I KNOW.

LET'S GO THE COUNTRY.

YOU GOT IT. THE COUNTRY IT IS.

[LOUD PLANE]

DAD. CAN YOU HEAR ME?

LOUD AND CLEAR, SON. LOUD AND CLEAR.

NOW, YOU LISTEN TO ME.

IT'S IN YOUR HANDS NOW.

YOU'RE THE MAN OF THE HOUSE NOW THAT I'M GONE.

I EXPECT YOU TO RUN THINGS.

DAD, THE SECRETARY OF DEFENCE SAYS HE'S IN CHARGE.

SONOFABITCH.

HE'LL DO ANYTHING TO GRAB POWER.

LISTEN TO ME: DON'T PAY ANY HEED

TO WHAT THOSE BASTARDS HAVE TO SAY.

IN MY AMERICA, FAMILY COMES FIRST.

WHEN A DAD'S IN TROUBLE, HIS SON COMES TO HELP HIM OUT.

BUT DAD!

SHH!

SOMEONE'S COMING.

GOTTA GET OUTA HERE.

[GRUNTING]

MY COUNTRY NEEDS ME.

MY SON NEEDS ME.

GOTTA GET BACK.

BACK TO WASHINGTON.

THE CONGRESS NEEDS ME.

WHAT THE HELL'S HE DOING?

THE SENATE NEEDS ME.

THEY ALL NEED ME.

HE'S TRYING TO ESCAPE.

FROM WHAT, S.A.G. MEMBERSHIP?

THIS GREAT NATION NEEDS ME.

OKAY. WELL, HE'S IMPROVISING.

WHY? WHY IS HE IMPROVISING.

HE'S SUPPOSED TO BE THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.

ONE IDIOT AND A BLOW-JOB AGO, THAT MEANT SOMETHING.

JESUS, HE'S OFF THE SET.

SENIORS NEED ME.

THIS ISN'T USABLE. WHY ARE WE EVEN LOOKING AT IT?

WE CAN FIX THIS WITH C.G..

I REALLY THINK WITH SOME RE-SHOOTS WE CAN...

NO. THERE'S NOT GOING TO BE ANY RE-SHOOTS, SYDNEY.

WE DON'T HAVE TIME. WE DON'T HAVE A FUCKING CAST

EVEN IF WE WANTED TO DO RE-SHOOTS, SYDNEY.

AND TIM, BLESS HIS LITTLE HEART, HAS CALLED THE AGENCY.

NOW ISAAC IS COMING IN ON THE RED-EYE.

SO, I SUGGEST WE SOLVE ALL OF THESE PROBLEMS BY TOMORROW,

OR THERE MAYBE A COUPLE OF OTHER NAMES ON THE MISSING LIST.

OKAY.

PHILIP?

HOW 'BOUT VOICE-OVER?

JUST EDIT, SYDNEY!YUP.

NOW YOU LISTEN TO ME.

IT'S IN YOUR HANDS NOW.

ALRIGHT, HOW CAN I HELP YOU?

I'M LOOKING FOR CHIP METZGER.

CHIP METZGER, THAT LITTLE PRICK.

EVERYONE SAID THE KID'S A FUCK-UP.

THEY BEGGED PHIL NOT TO HIRE HIM.

BUT, NO, THIS MAN IS LOYAL.

TIM'S ONE OF THE PEOPLE THAT BEGGED ME NOT TO HIRE HIM.

LITTLE PRICK SHOULD'VE KISSED YOUR ASS.

I DIDN'T HIRED HIM TO KISS MY ASS,

THAT JOB IS PRETTY MUCH COVERED.

I'D LIKE TO ASK HIM A FEW QUESTIONS.

HE WAS WITH TAYLOR LAST NIGHT.

GIVE HIM REED'S NUMBER.

IT'S A BIT UNETHICAL,

BUT I THINK THIS QUALIFIES AS AN EMERGENCY.

AND IF YOU DO TALK TO CHIP,

WOULD YOU GIVE HIM A MESSAGE FOR ME?

TELL HIM HE'S FIRED.

[CRYING]

[CLEARING THROAT]

HI, MY NAME'S CHIP AND I'M A...

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK I AM.

[ALL] HI, CHIP.

WE NEED TO TALK.

HOW'D YOU FIND ME HERE?

THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE ANONYMOUS.

REED HARRISON TOLD ME.

REED HARRISON.

HE'S MY SPONSOR.

HE'S WORRIED ABOUT TAYLOR.

EVERYONE IS.

IT'S SO COOL BEING FAMOUS, EH?

YOU GET TO DO ANYTHING.

GO ANYWHERE YOU LIKE.

IT'S NOT ALWAYS LIKE THIS.

WHY NOT? YOU'RE RICH.

TODAY'S SPECIAL, CAUSE YOU'RE HERE.

TODAY, WE CAN DO WHATEVER YOU WANT.

PIONEER VILLAGE? IT'S SUPER-KITCH.

WE ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO GO THERE.

[♪]

[♪]

[♪]

YOU'RE THAT KID FROM TV.

NO, I'M NOT.

AFTER THE CLUB, WENT TO SOME DIVE I KNOW, SCORED SOME HASH.

FOR TAYLOR?NO.

SO IT WAS FOR THE GIRLS.

I USED IT TO BRIBE THE SECURITY GUARDS AT THE STUDIO.

SMART KID.

NO. I WOULDN'T GIVE IT TO TAYLOR.

I'M NOT SOME FUCKIN' CREEP.

THE KID'S 13 OR WHATEVER.

HE WANTED SOME EXPERIENCE.

HAVE SOME SEX.

I WANTED TO HELP HIM OUT.

DUDE. WHAT'S UP?

MY GIRLFRIEND SAYS YOU'RE ON TV.

GO AWAY.

'NOTHER SCOTCH.

ARE YOU SURE YOU SHOULD BE DRINKING?

I'M A JUNKIE, RICK, NOT AN ALCOHOLIC.

I CAN DRINK AS MUCH AS I WANT.

THEN WHAT HAPPENED?

NOTHING.

NOTHING.

YOU KNOW, I LEFT TAYLOR THERE TO DO BUSINESS WITH THE HO,

GRABBED MY GIRL, I FUCKED OFF.

DID YOU SAY "HO"?

YEAH, I BELIEVE I DID.

DID YOU MEAN THAT LITERALLY?

NATHALIE WAS A PROSTITUTE?

I SURE HOPE SO, I PAID A BUNDLE FOR HER.

YOU BOUGHT A PROSTITUTE FOR A 12-YEAR-OLD?

YES, AND I PAID FOR EVERYTHING ELSE THAT NIGHT.

I PAID FOR THE BOOZE, PAID FOR THE HASH.

I PAID FOR THE CABFARE.

I GAVE HIM 20 BUCKS TO GET HOME.

CHEAP LITTLE BASTARD, DOESN'T PAY FOR ANYTHING.

HE'S ON AN ALLOWANCE. HE HAS NO MONEY.

GIMME YOUR PHONE.

WHY? WHAT...

GIMME YOUR PHONE.

I'LL COVER THIS. YOU'VE COVERED ENOUGH.

LISTEN, I WASN'T THE RINGLEADER.

I WAS HELPING THE KID DO

WHAT HE WAS GOING TO DO IN THE FIRST PLACE.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? HE NEEDED A FRIEND.

I WANTED TO BE THAT FRIEND.

THOSE WHORES CAN BE MEAN.

BY THE WAY, YOU'RE FIRED.

OKAY, THEN...

MAYBE, IF...YOU TALK TO THEM, JUST PUT IN A GOOD WORD FOR ME.

I'M JUST THE DRIVER.

WHERE YOU GOING WITH MY PHONE?

NOTHING.MAYBE, SOMETHING.

IF WE CAN CONTACT EVERYONE TAYLOR KNOWS

WHO MIGHT LEND HIM MONEY.

SOMETHING TO EAT?

WHAT?

FORTUNATELY, I GOT ANOTHER GIFT BASKET.

I'VE BEEN SURVIVING ON A DIET OF FISH ROE AND CHAMPAGNE.

WHAT KIND OF AN IDIOT WOULD GIVE A WOMAN A GIFT BASKET

WHEN HER CHILD WAS MISSING?

I CAN GET ANYTHING I WANT OUT OF THEM RIGHT NOW.

THEY'RE SHITTING BRICKS.

MIGHT BE A GOOD TIME TO RENEGOTIATE TAYLOR'S CONTRACT.

EXCUSE ME?

I'M JUST SAYING, IT MAKES THEM REALIZE

HOW MUCH THEY NEED TAYLOR.

AS LONG AS HE'S OKAY, YOU KNOW...

I CAN USE IT TO OUR ADVANTAGE.

YEAH, BUT WHAT IF HE ISN'T OKAY?

BUT HE IS.I HATE TO SAY IT-

HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT?

BECAUSE I'M HIS MOTHER.

MY GIRLFRIEND WANTS TO MEET YOU.

SHE WANTS TO HEAR YOU DO THAT SAYING YOU USED TO DO.

I THINK YOU OWE YOUR FANS SOME RESPECT,

THEY'RE THE ONES THAT PUT YOU THERE...I DON'T OWE YOU NOTHING.

YOU OWE ME.

I GAVE UP MY ENTIRE LIFE FOR YOUR ENTERTAINMENT.

WATCH YOUR MOUTH.

LET'S GO, TERRENCE.

KNOW WHAT? YOU'RE NOT EVEN WORTH IT.

YOU'RE A WASH-OUT.

WHOA, JUST...

WHO'RE CALLING A WASH-OUT?

DON'T LECTURE ME ABOUT HOW TO BE A MOTHER.

I THINK I KNOW THE JOB A LITTLE BETTER THAN YOU DO.

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE.

I GUESS I AM.

EVERYONE ELSE WOULD FEEL THE SAME WAY.

THAT'S WHAT YOU'VE BEEN THINKING THE WHOLE TIME, RIGHT?

YOU'VE JUST BEEN WAITING TO JUDGE ME SINCE THE DAY WE MET.

WHAT KIND OF WOMEN WOULD EXPLOIT HER OWN CHILD?

WHAT KIND OF A MOTHER?

YEAH, I GUESS I DID THINK SOME OF THOSE THINGS.

BUT I UNDERESTIMATED WHAT KIND OF MOTHER YOU WERE.

IT DIDN'T STOP YOU FROM FUCKING ME, DID IT?

BELIEVE ME, WHEN I FUCKED YOU, THAT WASN'T A MORAL JUDGMENT.

I'VE LIVED MORE IN MY FIRST 15 YEARS

THAN YOU HAVE YOUR ENTIRE LIFE!

I MADE A MILLION DOLLARS, FLOWN ON THE CONCORDE.

SO DON'T PITY ME, PITY YOURSELF!

I CAN'T WAIT TO KICK YOUR ASS, PRETTY BOY.

I AM PRETTY.

I HAD WOMEN IN THEIR FORMATIVE YEARS

HANGING UP MY CENTERFOLD OVER THEIR BEDS.

GET BACK HERE. COME ON.

THIS IS STUPID! COME ON. I'LL DRIVE YOU HOME.

NO!

I'M NOT A GOOD ENOUGH MOTHER, IS THAT IT?

NOT CONVINCING ENOUGH?

YOU DON'T LIKE MY PERFORMANCE?

YOU'RE THE DIRECTOR! COME ON, RICK, TELL ME.

YOUR PERFORMANCE IS FINE. LET'S GO.

MAYBE I SHOULD BE CRYING. RIGHT?

THAT'S PROBABLY MORE APPROPRIATE. MY KID'S MISSING.

I SHOULD JUST CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY NON-STOP.

WELL, GO AHEAD. GET YOUR CAMERA.

EVERYONE THINKS CRYING IS SO FUCKING HARD.

WELL, IT'S EASY.

I TAUGHT TAYLOR TO CRY WHEN HE WAS 5 YEARS OLD.

READY?

FORGET ABOUT IT, TERRENCE.

I DON'T EVEN WANT HIS STUPID AUTOGRAPH.

WHO'S THIS BEHIND YOU? IS THAT YOUR GIRLFRIEND?

WHAT A FUCKING PRIZE SHE IS.

GUESS WHAT?

IF YOU WEREN'T HERE SHE'D BE BEGGING TO SUCK THIS COCK.

[CRYING]

IS THAT IT?

WHO ARE YOU TRYING TO FOOL, FOOL?

[LAUGH] THAT WAS MY CATCH PHRASE.

THAT'S WHAT I SAID.

THANK YOU.

'CAUSE I WAS GONNA COMMIT SUICIDE TONIGHT.

YOU SAVED MY LIFE.

THAT'S WHAT YOU THINK.

PERFECT DAY, WAS IT NOT?

SIMPLY DELECTABLE.

NATTIE, I WANNA BRING THE MOOD DOWN A BIT

AND TALK ABOUT SOMETHING SERIOUS.

WAITER?

I THINK WE'D LIKE A COUPLE DRINKS.

COUPLE O' DRINKS...

DOUBLE GIN MARTINI ON THE ROCKS, PLEASE.

MAKE THAT TWO. I'LL HAVE MINE WITH ICE.

I'M AFRAID I'LL HAVE TO SEE SOME I.D.

OOPS, DAMN, I THINK I MUST'VE FORGOTTEN IT IN THE CAR.

HE'S OLDER THAN HE LOOKS. HE HAS A PITUITARY PROBLEM.

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.

BRING US A BOTTLE OF YOUR FINEST CHAMPAGNE,

BRING ANOTHER BOTTLE FOR THE BOYS IN THE KITCHEN,

AND WHILE YOU'RE AT IT, GIVE YOURSELF A HUNDRED-DOLLAR TIP.

WILL THAT SUFFICE?

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

ANYWAY, YOU WERE SAYING?

I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT LAST NIGHT.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT THAT.

I KNOW IT DIDN'T GO PERFECTLY AND EVERYTHING,

BUT STILL, I THOUGHT IT WAS MEANINGFUL SOMEHOW.

ME TOO.

IT'S THE KIND OF MEANING THAT'S HARD TO DESCRIBE

BUT YOU CAN FEEL IT WHEN IT'S THERE.

THAT'S SOMETHING I NEED...

NATHALIE, I WANNA START A FAMILY.

EVERYTHING OK HERE?

NATHALIE, WHADYA THINK?

IT'S HIM FOR SURE.

AND HE'S BUYING US DRINKS!

[LAUGHTER]

UM, WELL...

I'VE BEEN KINDA THINKING ABOUT FAMILY TOO.

REALLY?

YEAH.

YOU KNOW THAT TV SHOW OF YOURS, FAMILY DIFFERENCES?

SURE.

WELL, YOU KNOW HOW YOU HAD THAT SISTER

WHO WENT OFF TO HELP POOR PEOPLE AND DIED IN AFGHANISTAN?

WELL...

MAYBE I COULD BE YOUR NEW SISTER.

THAT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE.

I HAVEN'T THOUGHT OUT ALL THE DETAILS

BUT MAYBE YOU COULD TALK TO THE WRITERS.

NATHALIE, THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT

WHEN I SAID I WANTED TO START A FAMILY.

I KNOW, I KNOW, BUT TAYLOR, I DON'T KNOW.

YOU'RE A LITTLE YOUNG.

I'LL GROW.

NATHALIE, I'M JUST ASKING YOU TO BE MY GIRLFRIEND.

WELL, MAYBE IF I WAS YOUR SISTER...

WELL, YOU'RE IN LUCK.

WE DON'T USUALLY HAVE THAT MUCH CHAMPAGNE

BUT WE HAD A WEDDING LAST WEEK.

AND, SEEING AS YOU'RE OUR SPECIAL GUEST, MR. BURNS...

ARE YOU PLAYING ME?

YOU'RE PLAYING ME, BITCH?

[CHAMPAGNE CORK POPPING]TAYLOR...

YOU KNOW I CARE FOR YOU, YOU KNOW THAT.

YEAH, RIGHT.

FUCK OFF, WHORE.

FIND YOURSELF SOME OTHER SUGAR DADDY.

GOD...

[CELL PHONE RINGS]

HELLO-- TAYLOR?

NO NO, DON'T HANG UP.

IT'S ME, RICK.

NO, I'M ALONE.

I'M NOT GONNA TURN YOU IN. WHERE ARE YOU, TAYLOR?

ON HIGHWAY 27...

THE OLDE CHOPPE AND GRILLE, PIONEER VILLAGE.

AND, RICK? COME ALONE.

IF I SEE YOU WITH ANYONE ELSE, I'LL KILL MYSELF.

I'M SERIOUS.

RICK, I'M SO FUCKED UP!

I RUINED EVERYTHING.

I THOUGHT SHE WAS USING ME,

SO I TOLD HER TO GO HOME AND NOW SHE'S GONE.

WHAT DID I DO WRONG?

I DID EVERYTHING THAT YOU TOLD ME TO DO

AND IT DIDN'T WORK, AND NOW SHE'S GONE

AND I'M FUCKED UP, RICK.

I LOST HER.

THE ONLY GIRL I EVER LOVED.

MAN, RICK, GET HERE FAST. I NEED YOU.

AND RICK...

DON'T FORGET YOUR CHEQUEBOOK.

[♪]

TAYLOR?

[PEOPLE CROSS-TALKING]

TAYLOR?

[LOUD TALKING]

TAYLOR?

HI. ARE YOU THE ONE TAKING CARE OF TAYLOR'S BILL?

BILL? HOW MUCH?

WELL, SOMEONE'S GOTTA-JUST A SECOND HERE.

[LOUD TALKING]

OKAY. LET'S GO NOW.

I PROMISE I'LL READ THE SCRIPT, OK?

STOP FILMING THAT.

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO WITH THAT FILM?

THAT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS, ALRIGHT?

THIS IS PRIVATE.

LISTEN, I REALLY WANT SOMEONE TO TAKE CARE OF THIS...

THIS IS ALL I HAVE, ALRIGHT. I'M SORRY.

THAT'S ALL I HAVE.

OKAY EVERYONE!

THAT'S IT.

ALRIGHT, PARTY'S OVER. LET'S GO.

EVERYBODY?

EVERYBODY.

COME SEE MY MOVIE, THE FIRST SON, OPENING...

I DON'T KNOW.

BUT YOU GOTTA GO THERE AND YOU TELL THEM THAT YOU'RE ALL...

ALL MY BEST FRIENDS AND THAT...

GO TO SEE THE MOVIE, 'CAUSE I'M A MOVIE STAR!

[CHEERING]

THAT'S RIGHT. YOU'RE A MOVIE STAR.

LET'S GO, MOVIE STAR.

I THINK I NEED TO USE THE WASHROOM...

I MIGHT BE SICK.

I'M NOT GOING BACK.

YES, YOU ARE.

TAKE ME TO THE AIRPORT.

DRIVER! DID YOU HEAR ME?

SHUT UP, TAYLOR.

LOOK AT ALL THE STUFF BACK HERE.

I CAN'T LIE DOWN. IT'S CRAMPED.

JUST LEAVE IT ALONE!

TAKE ME TO THE AIRPORT, YOU ASSHOLE!JUST SHUT UP.

JUST SHUT UP, TAYLOR.

SHUT UP THE FUCK UP!

YOU'RE DRUNK AND I'M TAKING YOU HOME.

MY HOME IS IN L.A.YEAH, RIGHT.

LIKE I'M GONNA BUY YOU A PLANE TICKET NOW.

PUT THIS DOWN.

DRIVER! PUT IT DOWN.SPOILED BRAT.

SHUT UP![LOUD BANG]

WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?

SHIT.

[ENGINE SPUTTERING]

YOU DON'T HAPPEN TO KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT ENGINES DO YOU?

YOU TOLD ME TO SHUT UP.

WHAT'S THIS?

MAYBE WE SHOULD GET OFF THE ROAD IN CASE OF TRAFFIC.

CHOCOLATE SYRUP?

YOU PUT CHOCOLATE SYRUP IN THE TANK?

I TOLD YOU, I'M NOT GOING BACK.

I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT WORKED.

WHAT NOW?

NOW I CALL A TOW TRUCK.

MAN, THAT'LL TAKE FOREVER!

WELL, MAYBE NEXT TIME YOU SHOULD THINK OF THAT

BEFORE YOU PUT SYRUP IN THE TANK.

TAYLOR, WHAT'S GOING ON?

WHY ARE DOING THIS?

[SIGH]

YOU WON'T TELL? EVEN MY MOM?

I PROMISE.

I'M GETTING SICK OF THIS.

RUNNING AWAY?

ACTING.

BEING FAMOUS.

THE FUN'S OVER.

WHY DON'T YOU STOP?

YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO IT.

TOO MANY PEOPLE COUNT ON ME.

MANAGERS, AGENTS, MY DAD'S BAND.

MY MOM WOULD STARVE TO DEATH IN A WEEK.

YEAH.

IT'S JUST NOT SATISFYING ANY MORE.

I'M GETTING TOO OLD FOR THIS CRAP.

MAYBE YOU SHOULD MAKE MORE ADULT MOVIES.

YOU MEAN LIKE PORN?NO.

MOVIES FOR ADULTS.

MOVIES THAT HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY.

NOBODY WANTS TO SEE ME DOING THAT.

MAYBE YOU SHOULD DO IT FOR YOURSELF.

GIVE YOU A CHANCE TO EXPRESS YOURSELF.

SAY WHAT'S MAKING YOU ANGRY, WHAT'S MAKING YOU AFRAID.

THINGS YOU CAN'T SAY ANY OTHER WAY.

BOY.

CAN'T WAIT TO SEE WHAT YOUR FILMS ARE LIKE.

WHERE DID ALL THESE BOXES COME FROM ANYWAY?

OH, I HAD TO GET THEM OUTTA THE HOUSE,

AND THIS STUPID LIMO HAS NO TRUNK SPACE.

THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE MY SPACE.

YEAH, JUST SIT BACK AND ENJOY THE MOVIE.

IT'S CALLED THE STUPIDITY OF GOD.

IT'S A WORK IN PROGRESS.

I'M NOT SURE IF YOU'RE REALLY THE RIGHT DEMOGRAPHIC.

WAIT A MINUTE.

THIS FILM HAS A DEMOGRAPHIC?

YEAH, YEAH, IT DOES.

HER.

MY WIFE.

MY EX-WIFE.

SHE'S THE DEMOGRAPHIC.

I DON'T GET IT.

YOU'RE MAKING THIS FILM TO GET BACK YOUR EX?

NO.

I'M MAKING IT TO DRIVE HER CRAZY.

I WANTED TO SHOW HER THAT NO ONE

WILL EVER BE ABLE TO LOVE HER LIKE I WAS ABLE TO.

LIKE...

IT'S LIKE A...

MUSIC VIDEO OR SOMETHING.

WELL, YOU JUST RELAX AND LET THE IMAGES FLOW OVER YOU.

I'M GONNA GO FOR A LITTLE WALK.

[DIALING CELL PHONE]

HI.

IT'S ME.

YEAH, I'M SORRY ABOUT WHAT I SAID EARLIER.

I DIDN'T HAVE ANY RIGHT TO SAY THAT.

YEAH...

I GOT HIM.

HE'S SLEEPING.

YEAH, I FOUND A WAY TO SEDATE HIM.

CAR TROUBLE.

MAYBE YOU SHOULD GET A CAB.

YOU CAN'T MISS US.

WE'RE AT MAJOR MAC, EAST OF 50.

YEAH.

I FEEL THE SAME WAY ABOUT YOU.

WE'LL BE WAITING.

WHAT?

YOU DIDN'T LIKE THE MOVIE?

HELLO. RICK?

RICK, WHERE'D YOU GO?

RICK? WHAT'S GOING ON?

TAYLOR?

OH, GOD.

TAYLOR, ARE YOU OKAY?

HI, MOM. TAYLOR!

MR SCHILLER.

THERE'S SOME THINGS YOU NEED TO UNDERSTAND

ABOUT HOW MOVIES ARE MADE THESE DAYS.

THEY'RE NOT MADE BY PEOPLE.

THEY'RE MADE BY MULTINATIONAL CONGLOMERATIONS.

THE LAWS OF AMERICA DO NOT APPLY.

MANY OF THE INVESTORS IN THIS MOVIE I HAVE NEVER MET.

I DO NOT CARE TO MEET.

THOSE OF US IN HOLLYWOOD,

WE'RE MICKEY MOUSE COMPARED TO THESE PEOPLE.

DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M SAYING?

SOME OF THESE PEOPLE WENT TO YOUR HOUSE TODAY

AND LEFT A LITTLE CALLING CARD.

IT IS ONLY A TASTE OF WHAT THEY ARE PREPARED TO DO.

WENT TO MY HOUSE?

HOW NICE OF YOU TO JOIN US.

MY NAME IS ISAAC FITZPATRICK.

I'M THE PRESIDENT OF TAYLOR'S AGENCY.

WE HAVE REASON TO BELIEVE

YOU HAVE COME INTO CONTACT WITH OUR CLIENT.

NURSE?

NURSE!

TELL US WHERE THE BOY IS,

AND I'M PREPARED TO DEAL WITH YOU HERE AND NOW.

I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE HE IS

OR WHAT YOU'RE FUCKIN' TALKING ABOUT.

MR. SCHILLER, IT SEEMS YOU HAVE A LOVELY HOUSE, A LOVELY WIFE.

IT WOULD BE A SHAME IF SOMETHING SHOULD HAPPEN TO THEM.

ARE YOU SURE IT WAS MY HOUSE?

417 BEDFORD CRESCENT.

YOU CAN SEND YOUR BOYS OVER WITH BASEBALL BATS-

WHERE IS THE BOY?

[DOOR OPENS]

MR. FITZPATRICK, WE NEED TO GO DOWNSTAIRS.

INGTO SAY TO ME, RICK?

YEAH.

GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.

WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE TALKING TO ME-

THREATENING ME?

LIKE, BREAKING INTO MY HOUSE?

YOU CAN'T ACT LIKE THAT.

THIS ISN'T THE MOVIES, YOU CLOWN.

GET OUTA HERE!

NURSE.

EXCUSE ME, SIR.

WE'LL BE BACK.GOOD.

WHAT AN ORIGINAL TAG LINE. GET OUTA HERE!

YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF THIS PERFORMANCE!

GET OUT!

OW!

WHO WERE THOSE MEN?

THEY'RE AGENTS.THE C.I.A.?

YEAH. SOMETHING LIKE THAT. VERY DANGEROUS MEN.

I WANNA COVER YOUR BILL.

I DON'T NEED YOUR HELP.

COME ON.

WE HAVE PUBLIC HEALTHCARE IN THIS COUNTRY.

RICK, GIVE ME A MINUTE. ALRIGHT?

LOOK, WE GOT OFF ON THE WRONG FOOT, YOU AND I.

DIDN'T EVEN GET A CHANCE TO INTRODUCE OURSELVES LIKE NORMAL PEOPLE.

YOU KNOW WHAT? I THINK I'M A LOT LIKE YOU.

THAT'S A TERRIFYING THOUGHT.

NO, REALLY. WHAT'S YOUR FAVOURITE MOVIE?

THE MOTHER AND THE WHORE. JEAN EUSTACHE.

I LOVE THAT MOVIE, IT'S FRENCH, RIGHT?

I'M MORE OF A TRUFFAUT GUY, I'LL BE HONEST WITH YOU.

BUT THAT'S THE KIND OF MOVIE I WANNA MAKE.

THAT'S THE KIND OF MOVIE I WANT HOLLYWOOD TO MAKE.

BUT FIRST, I GOTTA GET THE POWER,

SO I CAN HAVE THAT KIND OF CONTROL.

YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M SAYING?

I'M SAYING, WHERE IS TAYLOR?

I DUNNO. TALK TO THE MOTHER.

SHE WON'T ANSWER MY CALLS.

I'M GONNA GET FIRED HERE, RICK.

WELL THEN, IF I WAS YOU, I'D TALK TO THE FATHER.

HE'S IN CALIFORNIA.

WHICH IS WHERE TAYLOR SAID HE WANTED TO GO.

ARE YOU SAYING THAT THE FATHER WAS IN ON THIS THING FROM START?

WELL. I'M JUST SAYING THAT TAYLOR WAS SEARCHING.

THE FATHER'S AN OBVIOUS PERSON TO TALK TO.

OKAY. SO WHAT YOU'RE SAYING IS THAT THE DAD

KIDNAPPED HIS OWN SON IN SOME OF DESPERATE CUSTODY STRUGGLE?

NO. THAT'S NOT WHAT I'M SAYING...

ALRIGHT. DON'T SAY IT. I UNDERSTAND.

OKAY. IT'S MY BABY NOW.

OKAY. I GOT IT. I GOT THIS.

I'LL JUST BE A MINUTE.

HELLO?

I'D LIKE TO HAVE 2 TICKETS FOR THE 12 O'CLOCK TO L.A.X.

AND I'M GONNA USE THESE FREQUENT FLYER MILES...

AND THESE UPGRADE CERTIFICATES. THANK YOU.

HELLO, CHIP.

I DON'T BELIEVE WE'VE MET.

I'M ISAAC. YOUR AGENT.

[HEART MONITOR SPEEDS UP]

[SIGH]

[NOISE]

YOUR PLACE IS KIND OF A DUMP, EH?

YEAH.

EVEN BARRING THE FACT THAT IT'S BEEN RANSACKED.

YEAH.

YOU DON'T MIND THAT I TOOK A BEER, RIGHT?

OH, THEY DIDN'T TAKE THE BEER.

NO, HELP YOURSELF.

T.V.: TAYLOR BRANDON BURNS, THE FAMOUS CHILD ACTOR, IS MISSING.

AUTHORITIES CLAIM THERE IS NO REASON

TO SUSPECT FOUL PLAY AT THIS POINT,

BUT WE HAVE LEARNED THAT THE POLICE BOTH HERE

AND IN LOS ANGELES HAVE BEEN CONTACTED.

FEEL BETTER? RUMOURS BEGAN-

YEAH, I DO.

STRANGELY ENOUGH.

I FEEL KINDA GUILTY TALKING TO YOU ACTUALLY.

TAYLOR MADE ME PROMISE NOT TO TELL

BUT I SAW WHAT HAPPENED TO CHIP ON THE NEWS

AND I GOT WORRIED.

YOU DID THE RIGHT THING.

I MEAN, I TRIED CALLING YOU ON YOUR CELL PHONE

BUT IT WAS OUT OF ORDER, I GUESS.

YEAH, IT WASN'T THE PHONE, IT WAS ME.

T.V.: LAST YEAR IN A VERY PUBLIC DISPLAY,

TAYLOR'S PARENTS SEPARATED ACRIMONIOUSLY.

TAYLOR BRANDON BURNS IS BEST KNOWN AS HACKER,

THE TROUBLE- MAKING ADOPTED SON ON TV'S FAMILY DIFFERENCES.

OKAY. WHAT'S GOING ON-

I DON'T GET IT. I REALLY DON'T.

I MEAN, I THOUGHT I WAS REALLY GETTING THROUGH TO HIM,

AND THEN THIS, AND HIS MOTHER.

CELEBRITIES ARE... VERY COMPLICATED.

I SHOULD HAVE BEEN MORE SENSITIVE.

I'LL TELL YOU ONE THING.

HE'S A GOOD ACTOR.

I MEAN, LOOK AT HIM ON THIS STUPID SITCOM.

HE LOOKS SO HAPPY AND NORMAL, WITH HIS ADOPTED FAMILY

INSULTING EACH OTHER, AFFECTIONATELY.

WELL, FAMILY IS VERY IMPORTANT TO TAYLOR.

HE'S ALWAYS TALKING ABOUT IT.

I MEAN, HE WANTED TO BRING ME DOWN THE L.A.

TO MEET HIS FAMILY AND STUFF.

HE WANTS THE PERFECT LIFE.

JUST LIKE ON TV.

I GUESS THE POLICE ARE GONNA FIND HIM THERE.

WHERE?

HIS DAD'S HOUSE.

I DON'T THINK SO.

YOU UP FOR A TRIP?

WHAT? YOU THINK THEY HAVE THE WRONG PLACE?

NOPE.

I THINK HE HAS THE WRONG DAD.

T.V.: TAYLOR BRANDON BURNS, CHILD STAR IN CRISIS.

[♪]

[♪]

[♪]

[♪]

[♪]

[DOORBELL]

[♪]

[QUIETLY] GO! GO! GO!

IT APPEARS NOW AS IF THE DOORBELL HAS FAILED.

POLICE WILL NOW HAVE NO CHOICE

BUT TO USE FORCE TO GET INTO THE HOME.

FOR THOSE OF YOU JUST JOINING US,

WE'RE HERE, ON THIS BRISK L.A. MORNING,

LIVE AND EXCLUSIVE,

OUTSIDE THE HOME OF FRESNO BIRNBAUM,

WHO IS BELIEVED TO HAVE KIDNAPPED HIS SON,

FAMOUS CHILD ACTOR, TAYLOR BRANDON BURNS.

[DOORBELL]

DAD, SOMEONE'S AT THE DOOR.

[DOORBELL]

WHOA, WHOA...

ANYBODY ELSE HEAR THE DOORBELL?

SO?

2-3-4

[♪]

[DOORBELL]

[THUMPING]

LET'S GET IN THERE. SOMETHING IS HAPPENING.

GO GO GO GO!

WE WANT TO HAVE A LOOK HERE,

SEE IF WE CAN GET INSIDE THE HOME.

NOBODY MOVE! GO.

FRESNO BIRNBAUM, IDENTIFY YOURSELF. FRESNO BIRNBAUM.

GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR! YOU, SIR. YOU, SIR!

[COMMOTION]

MR. BIRNBAUM, MR. BIRNBAUM,

COULD WE GET A QUICK WORD WITH YOU, SIR?

WHERE IS THE CHILD?

WHERE'S TAYLOR, SIR?

[DOORBELL]

WELL, WHAT HAVE WE HERE, PROWLERS?

[GASP]

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S YOU.

YES. MORE FABULOUS THAN YOU IMAGINED, HUH?

YOU MUST BE THE GIRLFRIEND.

YEAH, I'M HERE TO SEE TAYLOR.

WELL, HE'S HERE TO SEE YOU TOO.

SO, MAKE YOURSELF AT HOME.

OKAY.

AND YOU WOULD BE?

I'M RICK. I'M THE DRIVER.

RICK, THE DRIVER.

YES, WELL THEN, YOU'LL BE WAITING IN THE CAR.

I'M MORE THAN JUST A DRIVER.

HE'S MORE THAN JUST THE DRIVER!

JESUS, MORE-THAN- JUST-A-DRIVER IS HERE!

THIS COULD HAPPEN TO YOU.

MMM, YOUNG LOVE.

DOES SHE WANT TO BE AN ACTRESS, THIS ONE?

SHE WANTS TO BE.

YEAH, DON'T THEY ALL.

WELL, SHE'S GOT THE LOOK FOR IT.

I HOPE THINGS WORK OUT FOR TAYLOR.

I HAVE A LOT OF AFFECTION FOR THESE KIDS

AND NOT FOR THE REASON YOU'RE THINKING.

I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING.

WANT A DRINK? LEMONADE, MAI-TAI?

JESUS MAKES A MEAN MOHITO

WHEN I CAN DRAG HIM AWAY FROM THE POOL.

NO, I'M FINE, THANKS.

SO, MAYBE YOU JUST WANNA HANG AROUND THE WINDOW

LIKE A COUPLE DIRTY OLD MEN AND WATCH TEENAGERS MAKE OUT?

GUESS I'VE HAD MY FILL.

OR MAYBE YOU WANNA SEE SOMEBODY ELSE?

YEAH, MAYBE.

SHE'S DOWN AT THE BEACH.

ONE THING YOU'VE GOTTA REMEMBER IS,

SHE DID THIS FOR HER SON, YOU KNOW.

HE'S A BRILLIANT KID, AND SHE JUST WANTS THE BEST FOR HIM.

THAT'S NOT SO BAD, IS IT?

I KNOW THESE KIDS.

I'VE WORKED WITH THEM.

I SEE WHAT THEY GO THROUGH AND, BOY, I'LL TELL YOU,

THEY DESERVE WHATEVER THEY CAN GET.

WHEN THEY HIT PUBERTY, WE CHEW 'EM UP,

SPIT 'EM OUT AND THEY SPEND THE REST OF THEIR LIVES

ENTERTAINING US IN THE TABLOIDS.

THEY'RE THE SACRIFICIAL LAMBS OF AMERICA, THESE CHILD STARS.

SUFFERING FOR OUR SIN.

IT'S A SHORT TRIP: ONE BRIEF, GLORIOUS MOMENT IN THE SUN

AND THEN IT'S OVER.

TAYLOR KNOWS THAT, AND HE'S NERVOUS.

HE'S STARTING TO GROW PUBIC HAIR.

OH.

ALL RIGHT. I'LL SHOW YOU THE WAY.

SO, UH...

THIS IS WHAT THEY CALL A BEACH.

SEEMS THAT WAY.

DO YOU MIND IF I TRY IT OUT?

I DUNNO.

I CAN'T SAY I'M NOT A LITTLE DISAPPOINTED.

WITH THE BEACH?

NO, NO. THE BEACH IS FINE.

I'M TALKING ABOUT US.

I'M SORRY I LEFT YOU BLEEDING ON THE HIGHWAY.

NO, THAT'S NOT IT.

YOU THINK THAT'S WHAT I'M UPSET ABOUT?

WELL, IT WOULD UPSET SOME PEOPLE.

NO, I'M UPSET BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T FEEL YOU COULD TRUST ME.

I KNEW THEY'D ASK A LOT OF QUESTIONS AND...

YOUR IGNORANCE WAS YOUR PROTECTION.

AND ANYWAY, I DIDN'T THINK YOU'D UNDERSTAND.

WHAT? THAT IT WAS ALL ABOUT MONEY?

THAT YOU USED YOUR SON'S DISAPPEARANCE

TO RENEGOTIATE HIS CONTRACT?

TAYLOR'S CONTRACT WAS CHILD ABUSE.

HIS AGENCY PACKAGED THE WHOLE MOVIE.

IT WAS THEIR PRODUCER, THEIR DIRECTOR, THEIR WRITER.

NO ONE WAS FIGHTING FOR TAYLOR'S INTERESTS

SO, YOU KNOW, I DID.

SO, YOU HELD YOUR SON FOR RANSOM.

OH, THAT IS SO MELODRAMATIC.

I SAW AN OPPORTUNITY AND I TOOK IT.

TO PUT PRESSURE ON THE PRODUCTION?

BUT YOU BLACKMAILED THEM.

CAN'T THEY SUE?

NO, 'CAUSE THEY DON'T KNOW ANYTHING.

I MEAN, AS FAR AS THEY'RE CONCERNED,

IT'S JUST A KID ACTING OUT.

YEAH, UNLESS I TELL THEM.

WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?

WELL, MAYBE I SEE WHAT'S HAPPENING

AND HOW IT'S AFFECTING TAYLOR

AND MAYBE I WANNA TELL PEOPLE WHAT'S GOING ON.

OR MAYBE YOU WANT TO WORK IN THE INDUSTRY.

YEAH. MAYBE I DO.

[APPLAUSE]

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THANK YOU.

THANK YOU FOR COMING OUT

FOR TONIGHT'S SPECIAL GALA SCREENING.

WE SHOT THE FILM HERE IN TORONTO.

WE LOVED IT.

AND WE'RE THRILLED TO BE BACK HERE AGAIN

FOR THE WORLD PREMIERE.

THANKS TO THE FESTIVAL FOR BRINGING US FULL CIRCLE.

SO BEFORE TONIGHT'S SCREENING OF THE FIRST SON,

WE HAVE A SPECIAL TREAT.

[APPLAUSE]

TAYLOR BRANDON BURNS IS NOT ONLY A STAR

AND QUITE FRANKLY THE FINEST ACTOR OF HIS GENERATION,

BUT ALSO A LOVER OF THE ARTS.

WHEN I TOOK OVER AS PRODUCER OF THE FIRST SON,

[CLEARS THROAT]

HE CAME TO ME AND HE ASKED ME,

IF HE COULD SHOW A SHORT FILM BEFORE THE FEATURE.

AND LEMME TELL YOU,

WHEN TAYLOR BRANDON BURNS ASKS FOR SOMETHING, IT HAPPENS.

[LAUGHTER]

SO, UH, LET ME INTRODUCE THE DIRECTOR IF THE, UH, "SHORT",

RICK SCHILLER, OR, AS WE KNOW HIM, RICK THE DRIVER.

[APPLAUSE]

[APPLAUSE]

UH... HI.

NICE TO SEE SO MANY FAMILIAR FACES.

IMPORTANT PEOPLE IN THE INDUSTRY.

ACTUALLY, I'M A LITTLE NERVOUS ABOUT SHOWING YOU THIS FILM.

SOME OF YOU MIGHT FIND IT A LITTLE UPSETTING...

OK, LET'S GET ON WITH IT, TODAY.

...A FEW WORDS ABOUT WHERE THE IDEA CAME FROM,

AND WHY I FELT IT WAS SOMETHING I HAD TO DO.

I KNOW, I KNOW, I HATE THOSE DIRECTORS WHO DRONE ON AND ON

INTRODUCING THEIR FILMS,

SUCKING ALL THE LIFE OUT OF THE ROOM

AND I PROMISED MYSELF WOULD NEVER DO THAT,

BUT, IN THIS CASE-JUST START THE MOVIE!

YOUR INTRODUCTION IS LONGER THAN YOUR FILM.

[LAUGHTER]

OK, I'LL START.

I JUST WANTED TO SAY, THANK YOU, TAYLOR,

FOR THIS OPPORTUNITY.

AND TO SAY THAT...

THIS ONE'S FOR YOU.

AND FOR ALL OF THOSE WHO FOLLOW IN YOUR FOOTSTEPS.

THANK YOU.

[APPLAUSE]

[APPLAUSE]

ALL RIGHT, WELL, THANK YOU FOR THAT.

UM, AH, ALL RIGHT, LET'S START THE MOVIE.

ENJOY.

[APPLAUSE]

[♪]

NO RESPONSIBLE ADULT

WOULD ENCOURAGE A CHILD TO MAKE MOVIES.

TURN OFF THE CAMERA.

TURN IT OFF.

BULLSEYE!

WOW, WHERE'D YOU LEARN TO SHOOT LIKE THAT?

I DUNNO, PLAYING VIDEO GAMES, I GUESS.

HEY, JEFF-FART-SON!

UH-OH.

WELL WELL, WHAT DO WE HAVE HERE?

THE FIRST SON, WITH A BOW AND ARROW?

WHAT OF IT, CHAD?

I THOUGHT YOUR FATHER WAS AGAINST THE CITIZEN'S RIGHT TO BEAR ARMS!

YEAH, WELL, HE MAY BE TRYING TO PASS A GUN CONTROL BILL

BUT HE NEVER SAID ANYTHING ABOUT ARCHERY,

SO BACK OFF, OR I'LL USE YOUR FAT HEAD FOR TARGET PRACTICE!

WATCH YOUR BACK, JEFFERSON GLENN!

JUST BECAUSE YOUR DAD'S THE PRESIDENT,

DOESN'T MEAN I CAN'T KICK YOUR ASS!

IT'S IN THE CONSTITUTION!

WOW, THAT WAS AWESOME, JEFFERSON!

BUT AREN'T YOU SCARED?

NAW, WE'VE JUST GOT TO GET HIM BEFORE HE GETS US.

HE'S JUST A RIGHT-WING BLOWHARD.

A BLOWHARD WHO CAN BEAT THE CRAP OUT OF YOU.

WAIT, DID YOU SAY CRAP?

THAT GIVES ME AN IDEA...

C'MON, LET'S GO!

ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNA DROP A LOAD, AND WHEN I GET BACK...

LET'S PUNK THAT BRAT!!

[LAUGHTER] RIGHT ON, MAN!

IS THE TARGET IN POSITION?

YEAH, HE'S BEGUN HIS OFFENSIVE!

READY...

1... 2... 3!

[EXPLOSION]

[SCREAM]

[LAUGHTER]

[♪]

JEFFERSON, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.

I'M TERRIBLY DISAPPOINTED.

IT WAS A PRANK, SIR.

YOU BLEW UP THE LATRINE.

IT WAS A PRE-EMPTIVE ATTACK!

CHAD WAS AN IMMINENT THREAT.

I DON'T WANT TO HEAR YOUR EXCUSES, JEFFERSON.

SUMMER CAMP IS ALL ABOUT PEACE, AND FRIENDSHIP.

AND PEOPLE COMING TOGETHER.

THAT'S WHAT CAMP DAVID IS ALL ABOUT.

I'M AFRAID I'M GOING TO HAVE TO CALL YOUR FATHER.

GOOD LUCK TRYING TO GET HIM ON THE PHONE.

HE'S ALWAYS BUSY WITH WORK, AN INTERNATIONAL CRISIS, OR SOMETHING.

HE DOESN'T CARE ABOUT ME.

WE'LL SEE ABOUT THAT, JEFFERSON. WE'LL SEE.

[♪]

MAKE NO MISTAKE ABOUT IT.

AS PRESIDENT OF THIS GREAT NATION OF AMERICA,

I AM THE BOSS.

AND RAISING A NATION IS VERY MUCH LIKE RAISING A FAMILY.

YOU NEED INFINITE PATIENCE.[CELL PHONE RINGS]

...AND RAISING A NATION IS VERY MUCH LIKE RAISING A FAMILY.

YOU NEED INFINITE PA--[COMMOTION]

DAMN IT O'CONNOR, I'M TRYING TO GIVE A PRESIDENTIAL ADDRESS HERE.

SORRY SIR, BUT IT'S CAMP DAVID.

YOUR SON'S COUNCILOR IS ON THE LINE

IT SEEMS HIS PRANKS HAVE GONE TOO FAR.

[♪]

GIVE ME THE DAMN PHONE...

PRESIDENT SPEAKING...