Original subtitles

(SIZZLING)

(WHINES)

Well, I'm not really cut out for this sort of job.

(THEME MUSIC)

(KNOCKING AT DOOR) Morning, darling.

So sorry to bother you so early.

CATHERINE: What time is it?

It's 10am, my angel. Would you like me to open the blinds for you?

Just that today's the start of the public service shutdown,

so we lose our staff for the day.

Now, Ray Tolmer assures me that the Senate will approve

the raising of the debt ceiling,

so hopefully only 24 hours of doing things for ourselves.

Can't we cancel the dinner?

We did discuss this, darling.

Or make it for tomorrow night.

You do realise, don't you, how long it took us

to get the Palestinian delegation

and Israeli Embassy to agree on a date?

How long?

I'm not sure exactly - you'd have to ask Sonny - but it was some time.

- (TABLETS RATTLE) - There you go.

Just how you like your men: weak and with saccharine.

Anyway, it's no big deal.

I'm doing the shopping, you're setting the table, that's all.

Can't we just take them out for a beef vindaloo?

Darling, if you want to be the wife

of the next MEPP Special Envoy to the UNGA,

we're gonna have to curry favour with these people

and you can't do that with beef vindaloo.

Dietary requirements in the Middle East are an absolute minefield.

You wanna get these people together,

it's gotta be kosher, it's gotta be halal.

You need special dishes, you need an extra fridge,

you need to lay the meat on a certain angle to bleed it.

You need certificates.

You gotta show that you're culturally sensitive of the Middle East

'cause, Christ knows, you know what they're like over there.

Don't pretend to be all noble.

You only want the job so that Neil Blanchard won't have it.

That is not true. This is about selflessness.

Revenge is a happy by-product.

Anyway, it'll be fun. The old team back together again, eh?

(DOOR CLOSES)

Phew! That was close.

(WHISTLES)

No, no, Rita, no, no. You shouldn't be doing that.

She's not working. You're just being nice, aren't you, Rita?

(SPEAKS FRENCH)

Yes. What if she scalded herself?

It'd be an insurance nightmare. You go home, Rita. You're on holiday.

(SCOFFS) Unpaid holiday.

Did you get that Post-It note about playing the viola tonight?

Yeah. Wrote 'no' and stuck it on your shaving mirror.

Excellent!

- Morning, everyone. - Jam it, Pollyanna!

Curtis, you should be off enjoying yourself as well.

Oh, I am enjoying myself, Mr Dugdale, sir.

Plus I wouldn't trust anybody else to look after the old girl.

You do realise that window's open, don't you?

Just airing it out, Mr Dugdale.

Bloody dog got in there last night and went berserk.

I don't know what he's been eating,

but it certainly doesn't agree with him.

Well, just make sure you clean all that drool off the window.

He's been foaming a lot at the mouth lately, Mr Dugdale.

- Sure, just... - I think it's the pollen.

Yeah, well, just finish up ASAP, 'cause I gotta get to the market.

No can do, Mr Dugdale, sir. Seats are still wet.

CATHERINE: Most of the world gets their news online

and he still gets his off the driveway.

Mmm. Well, he's old-fashioned that way. That's why you married him.

Why can't he just google himself like everybody else?

He likes doing the crossword.

Honestly, he's worse than Paul Keating.

Every quote, every picture, cut out and stuck straight in the album.

I used to be a paper boy.

On the bike every morning, half past six.

Nothing changes, eh, stud?

I can't, I'm afraid, Catherine.

I'm off duty today like everybody else.

What?

I'm on staff here, so, no go, girl.

(LAUGHS) But you're my lover, lover.

Yes, but I'm not employed on that basis.

You see, my... my... my salary comes out of general services.

Yes, but what you do with your spare time

is nobody's business but yours and mine.

I know, but if I hang around, Andrew might suspect something.

He's gonna be out all day.

Er, it wouldn't feel right.

You're meeting someone else, aren't you?

- No. - Who is she?

- I'm not. - I can always tell when you're lying!

I'm always lying.

Our little love triangle doesn't work when you put another side on it.

Catherine, I'm not seeing anybody.

And Andrew suggested I should take the day off

in solidarity with the rest of the help.

- Did he? - Mmm.

This is the first actual day I've had off

since I started working for Andrew, yes.

You don't get any rest at the weekends.

Even when it's a proper holiday,

there is always some meltdown you've got to deal with back here.

It... it goes all the time.

I can remember...

I can remember taking my mother's ashes back to Ireland in 2000,

and I'm on the parapet of Ross Castle,

about to scatter them into the glen,

and I get a call from guess who saying he can't find his stapler.

ELLEN: Why didn't you just turn your phone off?

Well, I mean, yeah... I mean, I'm gonna do that today

because the CPSU say I'm not allowed to receive any calls or emails.

I'm not even allowed to answer a text, so, erm...

Oh, I think I'm actually looking forward to it.

What other product in this day and age

is delivered by having it hurled at your front door by a moving car?

It's true, Mr D. Most days it doesn't even make it over the fence.

Well, easier to get over than those paywalls on the Internet, eh, Rita?

(SPEAKS FRENCH)

Printers, Dad. Gutenberg was wrong.

Well, he was pretty good in those Police Academy films.

- (LAUGHS) Good one, Mr D. - You can use that if you want, Ellen.

Skews a bit old as a cultural reference point.

Really? Police Academy? Myles is young. He got it.

Did you, Myles? Not really, no.

- Well, why did you laugh, then? - You employ me.

See? There's your problem right there.

You haven't got a problem with Sonny

staying on for a hit, have you, darling?

Erm, well, I think you'll be a little bit busy, today, darling,

with the dinner preparations, as will we all.

I'm not playing the viola.

But, darling, you know how I get if I don't have my workout.

I could set up the ball machine for you, Mrs D.

Mind your own fucking business, Myles!

Roger that.

Well, our hands are tied, darling. I mean, the debt ceiling...

Don't give me 'the debt ceiling means'.

I notice you've got all the people you need here.

Well, to be fair, Rita's having a bite before she goes home

and Myles's job isn't to make the coffee.

Eugh! I'll say.

He's made some out of the goodness of his heart,

and as for Ellen, she gets paid by the publisher, so she doesn't count.

- Morning, Cath. - 'Morning, Cath!'

And what about him? Does he count?

(CURTIS YELPS)

- No, I don't think he can read either. - (LAUGHS) Good one, Mr D.

Oh, shut up and make me some more eggs.

No can do, Mrs D. I'm due at the embassy at 0900 hours.

It's already half-past ten.

Alrighty, then! Poached, scrambled, or in a power-shake?

OK!

Great car!

You should get another couple of holes in the muffler.

I could almost hear that radio station you were listening to.

Mind you, it was Fitzy and Wippa, so maybe I should be grateful.

This is a favour, you know.

I'm supposed to be your ghost writer, not your chauffeur.

This'll be great for the book, this dinner.

Jimmy Carter did his best work after the presidency.

The Geneva Accords, the Nairobi Agreement.

Let's face it, I'm not going to be recognised

for de-regulating the therapeutic goods industry.

(SIGHS)

Big day planned, Sonny?

Soon as I finish here,

I'm off home to take the wife in for some X-rays of her leg.

She's been looking forward to it for weeks.

Wow, that sounds great, Curtis.

I wish I was doing something that exciting.

- You can come if you want. - (TENNIS BALL THUDS)

No, no, I wouldn't want to be a gooseberry.

(BALL MACHINE POPS)

Lean into it, Rita. Like you're absorbing your own momentum.

No. No, down there.

Rita? Down there.

MAN, ON VIDEO: After the last fold, you should have...

(TENNIS BALL THUDS)

... a reasonable facsimile of the Sydney Opera House.

Well done you! Now we move on to lesson two.

(DOG WHINES)

Women!

SONNY: From down there and across. That's it. You're getting it.

Yeah, yeah! See?

What the hell do you think you're doing?

I'm just giving Rita some pointers.

(SPEAKS FRENCH)

I thought you said you were taking the day off.

I was just walking past on my way out...

- Well, just keep walking, fella! - Catherine...

What are you staring at, dopey?

Oh, I was just admiring Rita's lobs.

Well, come inside, please. I've got a job for you.

I think we've been here before.

Well, I wish I'd come back as somebody

who could read Sonny's handwriting.

I thought he printed it out for you.

He did, but he put these Post-It notes on

so I didn't have to read the whole thing.

I can't make head nor tail of it.

This halal butcher is supposed to be near the western entrance.

Why don't we just ask someone?

No, no, no, I don't like asking people for help.

It makes me feel needy and dependent.

Could you ring Sonny and ask him what that word is?

I'm not ringing Sonny. Apparently this is the first day

he's had to himself since his appendectomy.

Alright, alright, alright.

Well, let's go outside and try and find the western entrance.

'You are here.' I know where I am! Why doesn't it tell me where to go?

There's a butcher just there.

Well, you can't go and ask him where another butcher is.

- Why not? - 'Cause it's... conflict of interest!

Ah! Hello there, lovely lady.

Hi there. Can you tell me, is there a halal butcher around here?

Yeah. We do halal meat here. Choice cuts too. Bloody lovely.

- Certified? - Yeah, comes with a certificate.

What are you after: top side, medallions?

We got a lovely brisket out the back.

No, no, no, we're after a boneless tenderloin roll.

Ah, beauty. Got one out the back ready to go.

Halal?

Yeah, halal as they come. Won't be a sec.

- What's with all the winking? - He's just being friendly.

He's undermining everything he says.

Maybe it's a tic brought on by mad cow disease.

Yes, well, let's hope so.

Oh, lucky last! Prime cuts for a prime minister.

- Very good. - There's your certificate.

- Thank you. - What else can I do you for?

Is there a kosher butcher nearby? Yep, we can do kosher meat as well.

- Really? - Yeah.

Won't find better anywhere else. Eh? (CLICKS TONGUE)

Back in a moment.

Same cut of meat! How does that work?

I don't imagine they're doing the slaughtering on the premises.

No, I see how it is: the rabbi's working one side of the cow

and the imam's working the other,

and the kosher meat overhears, 'Allahu Akbar.'

Suddenly it's halal as well. It's a good system.

They probably make them off-site

like those egg sandwiches at the airport.

You can't get kosher egg sandwiches.

Today is your lucky day.

Last turkey in the shop, as it turns out.

Very good.

And there is your certificate of authenticity.

Thanks very much for your help.

No problem. That'll be 112 bucks.

Jesus Christ!

- Oooh! - There you go.

Thank you.

And just a reminder, sir,

there's a two-for-one offer on the house bubbly for the next hour.

Er, thanks, no. It's just me today.

All done, Mrs Dugdale.

Oh, nice work, Curtis,

but I don't think we're gonna need quite that many.

Muslims don't drink alcohol

and I think the Israeli ambassador is teetotal.

- Tea, eh? - Total, yes.

Cups and saucers, then.

No alcohol, are you serious? Cancel my reservation.

You could make yourself useful and polish the silverware.

I'm onto it, Mrs Dugdale. I'll just grab the WD-40.

No, Curtis. It won't kill my daughter to pull her weight for a change.

- Playing Candy Crush. - What level?

116.

Carol, I cannot do all this by myself!

I've got to choose my dress, get my hair done,

get to the half-day spa and have my colonic all by three o'clock!

- It's not all about you, you know! - Oh, shit, Mum!

You totally made me fucking fail!

I'd cleared all the jelly and everything. Even the fish came!

If you want me, I'll be on Dad's Facebook buying more lives!

And you are playing the viola tonight for your father!

(DOOR SLAMS)

Kids, eh?

Glad I don't have any.

I guess it's just you and me, eh, Curtis?

What is your first name, by the way?

After all these years, I can't believe I don't know.

Curtis.

Curtis Curtis?

Curtis C Curtis.

Unclip me, will you, Curtis?

(WHIMPERS)

What's wrong?

Well, I...

I need to try some things on.

I can't get at the hook and eye with my bad shoulder.

Well, it's just that... here we are -

your husband's away shopping, your daughter's downstairs.

You asked me my name

and now you want me to unclip your hook and eye!

What's your point?

Mrs Dugdale, are you trying to seduce me?

Of course not, you moron. Get out!

Oh! Oh, I'm sorry, Mrs Dugdale. I completely misread the signs.

Get out or I'll call security!

Actually, Myles has been reassigned because of the shutdown...

I'll taser you myself!

It's not that I don't like you, Mrs Dugdale!

It's just more spiritual than sexual!

I think it's great that even though you're out of office,

you still want to contribute something.

It is selfless, isn't it?

Although I try not to think of it in those terms.

If you bring peace to the Middle East, you'll go down in history

as one of the most selfless people ever.

Recognition for one's selflessness isn't important, Ellen.

Helping Arab and Israeli to live together in harmony,

that's what it's all about.

You're so selfless, you don't care who gets the job?

No, no, no, just as long as it's not that prick Neil Blanchard.

- Can I quote you on that? - No, no, apricot.

That reminds me, we've got to pop into the non-GM fruiterer. Come on.

Why not?

Because I'm not eight years old anymore!

It'll come back to you. It's like riding a bike.

I would rather ride a bike!

I would actually rather go downstairs on a bike

and ride around for everyone,

like that orangutan in Phuket,

riding around on a tricycle, smoking a cigar,

and everyone can laugh and throw money at me.

This job is very important to your father!

Just one piece: as a sort of gesture to hospitality.

And then you can come back up here and eat your dinner

and read The Bell Jar.

Why don't you just play an Andre Rieu CD?

Only if you mime to it.

Alright, I'm off. My colon's not going to clean itself.

(BALL MACHINE WHIRRS)

Did we get the dried gluten-free papaya for the Palestinian's wife?

'Cause she's a coeliac, remember?

Yeah, we got it after we went to the nut allergy place.

Uh-huh. And the diabetic oat raisin cookies for the Israeli?

Yes, yes, and here's the soy-and egg-free gravy mix

for her husband.

Their dietary requirements are killing the art of the dinner party.

That and the fact that no-one offers

to help with the washing up anymore.

I think if you're invited over for a meal,

you shut up and eat what you're given,

unless you're Amanda Vanstone -

that woman cannot throw a fondue party to save her life.

The halal meat gets put on an incline board

to have any excess blood drained off.

- Check. - And we use the kosher salt

on the other one to absorb the blood, right?

Exactly, remembering to put it in the separate fridge after

to stop it coming into contact with any dairy products.

Although can we put it in the same fridge

as the tofu cheesecake and the soy milk?

'Cause they're not dairy, but they look exactly the same.

What?

Do you remember which side of the kosher meat

you picked up the halal meat from?

Er... the left?

My left or your left?

Oh, I'm not sure.

Right.

Mr Dugdale, sir, I just wanted to take this opportunity,

while your wife is having her colonic,

to assure you that nothing at all went on between us

while you were away, as God is my witness.

You're a religious man, aren't you, Curtis? You're Catholic.

Yes, and I'm prepared to swear to all this on the Bible,

- Mr Dugdale, sir. - Alright, ethical question.

If you ate an unconsecrated communion wafer...

- And you didn't know it. - Yeah, and you didn't know it.

How could I not know I ate it?

No, you know you ate it, you just don't know it's unconsecrated.

Although there's a 50-50 chance it might have been consecrated.

Yes, that's true.

I suppose I could have inhaled it while I was asleep.

OK, hang on, how about this?

If you were possessed by the devil and had holy water thrown at you,

but it turned out not to be holy water,

would it still burn your skin?

I don't think you're comparing apples and apples here, alright?

This is more like if a Hindu accidentally ate some beef...

- Can't inhale beef. - ... thinking it's eggplant.

- What? - I tried it once.

Although there's a 50-50 chance it was eggplant.

I'm allergic to eggplant. And apples.

Why are we even talking to him? Where's Sonny?

Don't ring him! Word is he's on a date.

Really?

You know, he never tells me about his private life at all,

although I'm glad he's seeing somebody.

- I'll have one of those. - BARTENDER: Not a problem.

- Hi. - Hi!

Is anyone sitting here?

Not at all. Please.

Why can't we just go back to the butcher and buy some more?

Well, he said they were the last ones. Be closed now anyway.

Plus I've already spent 112 on them.

Look, we've got the certificates.

The cow is killed in exactly the same way.

Anyway, it's more of a hygiene sort of thing, isn't it?

I suppose.

(LICKING)

(STRING QUARTET PLAYS)

An excellent meal, Mr and Mrs Dugdale. (SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

I quite agree. 'Zaki', we would say in Ramallah.

Well, thank you, either way.

That we can sit down and share the same meal is,

I think, a good thing.

That we can gather together at the table of our friend to break bread

is an important step.

Providing it's unleavened pita bread.

(ALL LAUGH)

Your husband has a very Palestinian sense of humour, Mrs Dugdale.

Mmm. I've always thought so.

Very reminiscent of Saleem Dabbour.

Oh, yes. Yes, yes, yes.

- How could any enjoyer of... - (WHISPERS) Theatre.

... theatre not have heard of that... that...

- (WHISPERS) Gentleman. - ... gentleman?

Yes, love him.

I would have said Mr Dugdale's comic sensibility

is more Jewish than Palestinian.

Well, humour is universal, though, isn't it?

For example, as I understand it,

Jerry Lewis is still very, very popular in Algeria.

Oh! (APPLAUDS)

Wonderful! Wonderful!

Carol, that was beautiful! Thank you!

Our daughter. She's a wonderful, wonderful musician!

Tell me, how has our Secret Service man

been looking after you and your family, Dr Suheir?

We have been most happy with him.

I hope you are not favouring your other guests

with extra security, Mr Dugdale.

It is not a helpful quality in a diplomat.

No, no, no, no, Myles is a very junior level operative.

More for show than anything else. Isn't that right, Myles?

- Myles! - Hmm? Ah, yes, sir.

If anything, I think you are favouring your Jewish guests.

I see the ambassador and his wife

have generous dollops of MasterChef foam on their tournedos.

Well, it is true, Andrew. There is much foam.

Really? That is unfortunate.

- Oh, there's no foa... - Favouritism, is there?

No! No, no, no, no, no! Of course, no.

Ellen is right. There's no favouritism at all.

It's all swings and roundabouts in the Dugdale kitchen.

In fact, if you look at your plate,

you'll see that you and your husband

have got a lot more egg-free soy gravy.

Well... I'm soy-intolerant.

Would you like some of our foam?

- No, thank you. - It's just like it is on MKR.

I think you'll find MasterChef were the first ones

to popularise the use of foam on plates.

I think you'll find it was MKR.

MKR simply appropriated it,

as they did so many other things from MasterChef.

With respect, that is complete bullshit!

Hey, hey, hey, hey! Hey! Come on, people, please.

MKR, MasterChef, what's the difference?

Aren't they simply different roads to the same destination?

Good food and good company. Chin-chin.

That is such an ignorant thing to say. You cannot compare the two.

I agree. Completely different agendas are being pursued.

It is like saying that our two religions

are based on the common ground of not eating pork.

Well said!

Well, isn't it also said that the road to Damascus

is paved with good intentions?

I think you'll find the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

In any case, Damascus is in Syria.

Yes, but it's in the same general area. That's my point.

And the roads are in such terrible condition over there

that it looks like a hell-scape.

Anyway, at the end of the day, aren't we all the same,

when you ignore our differences?

Look at what we could achieve

if we put aside our petty traditions and tribalisms.

We have, for example,

Shia and Sunni forging together as a single unit against IS,

and Christians and Jews getting on a lot better

than they have ever done historically,

particularly if you go back as far as the Inquisition.

And both of you remember this -

the very important thing that joins you together, I think:

anti-Semitism.

It doesn't just apply to Jews,

it applies to anyone in the region, regardless of faith.

I think we'll dine elsewhere tonight, Mr Dugdale.

I quite agree. Mrs Dugdale.

- Can we give you a lift? - Where is nice?

Uh, if you guys are interested,

us bods are hooking up with some mates at the local Indian joint.

- Mm. - Mm. Ah, Indian!

They do these super yum deep-fried coconut balls.

Oh, my God! You're gonna love 'em.

Ah, to hell with my diet.

Do you guys know where you're going?

Don't worry, Mr D. I'll have her home by midnight.

Thank you, Myles.

(WHINES)

Well, that was fun. I'm off to bed. Goodnight.

Goodnight, darling.

- You know, I think you're right. - What?

No-one ever offers to help with the washing up anymore.

I think that's the real problem with the world today.

It's easy enough to get people to come together for talks.

It's a lot harder to get them to work together

to clean up whatever mess they make.

- Not your forte, you think? - I don't think so.

Catherine always said that Neil Blanchard

was much better at diplomacy than me.

Good luck to him.

So, if you had your time over again,

would you have ordered the halal and kosher meat online

and had it delivered?

No, no, no, does you good to get out occasionally.

Oh, hi, Sonny. How was your day?

It's... great. Yours?

Oh, never did get to that bloody X-ray appointment.

Wife was furious, particularly when I told her why.

Anyway, long story short, nothing happened.

- Night, Curtis. - Night, Sonny.

- Hey, guys. - ANDREW: Sonny.

- Need any help? - Sure. Grab a tea towel.

You know, maybe I should try for special envoy to the Vatican.

ELLEN: Are you Catholic?

ANDREW: Nearly. C of E.

(CAR DOOR SLAMS)

(GROANS)

- (GLASS SHATTERS) - Fuck!

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