Original subtitles

Translated By The Community Of WWW.MY-SUBS.COM

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[SOFT MUSIC]

How awesome is Maya Fleishacker?

She's cute, she's smart,

and she's got a purple belt in kickboxing.

I have a purple belt.

But you keep telling me not to wear it.

Wait. She's finally alone.

Now's my chance to talk to her. What should I say?

For someone like Maya Fleishacker,

you gotta be sophisticated... grown-up.

Ooh, ask her if she read Fifty Shades of Grey.

- What's that? - Some book my mom really liked.

She even read it in the bathtub.

I'll give it a shot.

What's the worst that could happen?

Hey, Maya.

How about that Fifty Shades of Grey?

What?

Uh... it's my favorite book.

It's, um... it's very grown-up.

[STAMMERING] It's about a painter

who, uh, uh...

who loves the color gray,

and, uh, I... it's really sophisticated,

and I read it when I take my bath.

Wait, I just...

[LAUGHTER]

Don't worry. One day, you'll laugh at this

as hard as everyone else is.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

[CLEARS THROAT]

[DOOR SQUEAKS OPEN]

Oh, hey, Terry. How are...

So...

didn't we already have the flag discussion?

Oh, I thought that was about the size,

which I totally agree with.

The other one took half an hour to fold every night.

Okay, I don't know whether to yell at you

- or salute. - That's funny.

You're not the first person to say that to me.

Funny, yeah. Well, here's hoping

I'm the last.

[TERRY] Hey there, neighbor!

Wanna hang out a bit and rap with your old Uncle Terry?

I got some, uh, cold hot wings and warm iced tea.

Know how to get a jigsaw blade unstuck from a shop class wall?

No, I do not.

Then no, thanks, but no, thanks.

Ah, hey there, neighbor!

Oh, your shirt's a little torn.

Stee-rike two.

[CRUNCHING LOUDLY]

Mm, sorry.

These rutabaga chips are putting up a heck of a fight.

[SIGHS] These bills are killing me.

Oh, and this one is actually threatening me.

So looks like we're changing dentists again.

You're not alone in this, Beth.

Everybody's having to tighten their belt.

Even George Clooney is noodling with flying commercial.

Wait, this can't be right.

There's no way that Patrick had a gym membership.

[TIFFANY] Yeah, neither of my boys were...

traditional athletes.

Terry was really good at hide-and-seek,

but to be fair, I... I usually took a nap before looking.

[QUIRKY MUSIC]

I got some rest, and he felt

like a champion hider.

Win-win.

Here.

What?

Wyatt, I just bought this shirt for you.

- What happened? - Who cares what happened?

It's just a stupid shirt.

Hey, don't talk to me like that, young man.

Great, no matter what I say, it's gonna be wrong.

So maybe I shouldn't say anything at all.

Wha... are you serious?

Okay.

If you want it that way...

Here.

_

[WYATT STOMPING AWAY]

What just happened?

- Maybe I can help a little. - [BETH SIGHS]

You think I should talk to him or...

- wait until... - Oh, oh, no.

I'm not dancing through that field of cow patties.

No, I meant, uh, maybe I could call the gym

and figure out how to get a refund.

You know what? I'll take it. [SIGHS, CLICKS TONGUE]

Are you kidding me?

Who ordered Cage Fighting Championships on pay-per-view?

Oh, those darn kids, right?

You know, I'm gonna go fix that gym thing right now.

Hey, Uncle Terry. What's up?

Uh, just losing at solitaire, which,

technically, must mean I'm also winning,

'cause I'm beating myself.

I was just wondering if you wanted to play some football.

What, are you kidding me? I've been waiting here for weeks

for one of you squirts to wanna do something with old Uncle T.

Yeah, well, Liam and Wyatt don't want to,

and all of my friends are busy, so...

No need to beg.

I'd love to toss around the old pigskin with you.

Just let me slip out of these flip-flops

and into my sport Crocs.

Uh, you... you can stay in your flip-flops.

I meant video football.

Ah. Well, full disclosure:

uh, I'm not much of a, uh, video gamer.

Uh, the last one I played wasMs. Pac-Manat my old job.

But... wait, you had a job?

Are you kidding? I've had hundreds of them.

How do you feel about cold hot wings?

I feel angry that they're not already in my mouth.

I'm having the worst day ever.

I just got in a fight with Mom...

I don't have time for your childish problems.

The skateboard I'm making doesn't look remotely skateboard-y.

It kind of looks like it might be a skateboard.

Someday.

[LIAM] Well, someday better be Friday,

or I'm getting an F in shop.

Why should I even have to do this?

Working with my hands is not my destiny.

This hand is for signing checks.

And this hand is for cashing them.

Okay, but seriously, about Mom. What should I...

See, Wyatt, this is your problem.

You have no empathy for other people's feelings.

It's really pretty sad.

By the way, I heard you epically flamed out

at school trying to talk to a girl.

[SNORTS] Smooth move.

You heard about that?

[LIAM] Dude, everyone has.

I've already downloaded two GIFs of it.

Take a little advice from someone older

and more sophisticated than you.

All girls really care about is what's in here.

My heart?

[SNORTS] No, you dork.

That's where you keep your slim-line wallet

when you wear a $3,000 suit.

And never forget: career comes first.

You have to make at least $2 million

so if you get divorced, you're still a millionaire.

Got it?

Not... really.

Look, bottom line:

it's impossible to communicate with women,

so why bother trying?

[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC]

[HAMMER TAPPING CONTINUOUSLY]

[FAINT MORSE CODE BEEPING]

[CONTINUOUS MORSE CODE BEEPING]

[WATER BUBBLING FAINTLY]

[PATRICK] Welcome aboard, bubblehead.

That's submarine-speak for "howdy, sailor."

What's that noise?

It sounds like Uncle Terry when he tries to beatbox.

That, son, would be Morse code.

It's kind of like old-fashioned texting,

- only without the emojis. - No emojis?

How are you supposed to send a smiley face?

Uh, dot-dot-dot, dot, dash, dot, dot, dash, d...

well, yeah, that would really take a long time, actually.

- [PATRICK CHUCKLES] - I understand that

about as well as I understand talking to Maya.

Ah, talking with a girl.

The noblest form of communication.

Not when you have no idea what to say.

Well, communication isn't always easy.

But there's always a way.

Look at us.

500 feet below the ocean's surface

and we can still talk to people.

- It is pretty cool. - [ALARM BLARES]

The enemy's approaching! Man your station, sailor.

[ALARM BLARING]

We've gotta make our move.

[EXCITING MUSIC]

- [STATIC SQUELCHES] - D-seven.

[DRAMATIC PERCUSSION]

- [STATIC SQUELCHES] - [BOY] Hit!

You sank my battleship.

Yes! [IMITATES EXPLOSION] All right.

Incidentally, did you know

the fist bump was invented on submarines

'cause the ceilings are too low to high-five?

That's great, Dad, but...

how does that help me know how to talk to Maya?

It doesn't. But the book does.

Everything you need to know is in that book.

Take a look.

Aye, aye, Captain!

[LIAM] "Captain." I like that.

You can call me Captain.

Or "my liege."

Whichever comes more naturally.

[LIAM'S FOOTSTEPS RECEDING]

[WYATT] What? "Sun."

That's it?

How is that everything I need to know?

[VIDEO GAME ANNOUNCER] Strikers really need...

Heads up, I'm going to the end zone!

Oh, yeah? That's what you think,

'cause I'm gonna... hang on, which...

which button is the "run"? So is that the triangle?

And which... hang on, which one is my guy again?

You're the guy over there running in circles

next to the cheerleaders.

Aw, yeah, Video Terry's got game.

Uh, excuse me, ladies, I can't chat right now.

I've gotta X, O...

Touchdown!

Boom!

Dude, nice move!

Hey, and... and second place, not so bad either.

That is a silver medal in the Olympics.

Hanging with you is so fun, Uncle Terry.

You know, what do you say we do a rematch?

Well, I can't feel my thumbs from scoring on you so much,

so maybe this time won't be a total domination.

[CHUCKLES] Wait a minute...

That'll help. [EXHALES]

[BRIGHT FLAMENCO MUSIC]

Hey, that's an interesting outfit.

- You going to a bullfight? - Close.

I'm going flamenco dancing tonight.

And you know what they say: when in Andalusia...

No, nobody says that.

Um, hey, have you talked to Wyatt?

He hasn't said a word to me all day.

Don't complain. Terry talked to me

for half an hour straight this morning,

and that was through the bathroom door.

Okay, never mind.

Um, oh, what about the gym thing?

Did you get that straightened out?

Yep, went down there and took care of everything.

That crappy membership is a thing of the past.

Oh, thank God.

I got us upgraded to the premium membership

with full pool and sauna privileges.

[QUIETLY] Hmm.

Oh, shoot.

I got up-sold, didn't I? I... [SIGHS]

In my defense,

Jean-Claude at the front desk

is one silver-tongued Adonis.

It was one simple thing, Tiffany,

that you volunteered to do for me.

Well, I guess we both learned our lesson, didn't we?

[MELANCHOLY ACOUSTIC MUSIC]

- [BETH] Hey. - [TIFFANY] Hey, Wyatt.

[TIFFANY] How's it going, tiger?

[WYATT] Uh, uh... good.

Great, uh... everything's... great.

[SIGHS]

Tiffany... can I ask you for some advice?

Only if you want an awesome answer.

I do.

There's this girl in my class

that I really like, but...

I don't know what to do about it.

Oh, honey.

You're sweet and sensitive and cute as a button.

But I'm not gonna lie to you.

If you want any shot with the ladies,

you gotta be in a rock band.

Lead singer, guitarist, drummer, it... [STAMMERS]

pretty much anything except the keyboard player.

They always put the nerd on keys.

Okay.

- Thanks. - Just remember, Wyatt,

you can't always get what you want.

But if you try sometimes,

you just might find...

you get what you need.

[CLICKS TONGUE PLAYFULLY]

How long do you think it would take me

to learn a musical instrument?

Tiffany said it's my only shot.

Well, I've taken oboe lessons since I was six.

Can you play any cool rock songs?

I can play the tune that makes a cobra come out of a basket.

My little sister thinks it's cool,

but she also thinks balloon unicorns are cool.

She calls them "balloon-icorns."

Your sister sounds kind of...

Hey, what time is band practice?

You know, for our band?

Well... I could do any time,

as long as I'm home by 5:00.

- There is no band, Sam. - [SAM] Fine.

Maybe I can do 5:30,

but you'll have to talk to my mom.

[VIDEO GAME ANNOUNCER] There's the offense going right,

but the defense...

Hey, little buddy!

Game's all set and ready to rock.

I have been practicing all day

and listening to Jock Jams... so I'm pumped.

No, thanks, Uncle Terry.

That game's gotten kind of boring.

The new version is way better.

When you sack the quarterback,

you can actually rip out his spine

and dance around with it.

I do like to dance.

Yeah, it's pretty sweet,

except it's 60 bucks.

60 bucks?

That's a bargain! Where else are you gonna

be able to rip out somebody's spine

and dance around with it for that kind of money?

That's exactly what I said!

Okay, you know what? The parking tickets can wait.

I am buying us that game!

- Awesome! - Yeah!

[GRUNTS] Okay, wait. Ah, let's try that again.

Bring it in slow. I'm gonna practice that too.

[DRILL WHIRS]

[SIGHS, CLEARS THROAT]

Broke a heel last night.

Apparently flamenco and sangria are bad dance partners.

This whole assignment is idiotic!

Need a little help?

Did Bill Gates need help from his grandmother

when he built his empire?

No clue. I'm a Mac gal.

[SIGHS] I wish Dad were here.

He'd understand.

I know, honey.

I know.

[SOFT MUSIC]

We all miss him.

And where do you think he learned to build stuff, huh?

Scooch on over, John-Boy.

[MACHINE WHIRRING]

From stilettos to kitten heels. [CLICKS TONGUE]

How the heck did you...

You know what?

If it means that much to you to help me,

then it'd be selfish of me not to let you.

If you're asking for my help, honey...

you gotta do it the right way.

[CHUCKLES]

Fine.

[EXHALES] Tiffany...

[PLAYFUL MUSIC]

... would you please help me?

Sure.

But as your buddy Bill Gates would probably say,

it's gonna cost you.

And, uh... let's keep this our secret.

Last thing I need is for people around here

to know I can do stuff.

[WOMAN] Okay, let's do that.

Hi, I'm here to cancel a gym membership.

[STAMMERS, CHUCKLES] You must be Jean-Claude.

[WITH FRENCH ACCENT] Yes, uh, and your name is?

Don't bother, okay?

Because I'm not gonna fall for your sweet talk,

and I won't be up-sold, and I'm not gonna be tricked

into any "special deals," okay? I'm here to cancel a membership

and that's it. Got it?

Yes, no problem. [CHUCKLES]

See, no... see, no, no, no, no.

No, no, 'cause I am not falling for whatever... you're doing.

What are you doing?

Uh, the name of the membership you want to cancel?

Patrick McKenna.

Okay, and don't tell me that it's un-refundable

or talk me into transferring...

You're Patrick's wife.

- Uh... - I'm so sorry.

He was a wonderful man.

Wait, you... you knew him?

So he... he was coming here?

He was training here for almost a year.

It was supposed to be a surprise.

A surprise for who?

For you.

He wanted to be able to run a half marathon with you.

He told me how much you loved to run and...

he wanted to be a part of something that you loved.

And then he...

And then he got sick.

Yeah, I haven't run since then. [SNIFFLES]

I'll, uh... I'll cancel his account right now.

Thank you for... for being so understanding.

And I'm... you know, I'm really sorry that I misjudged you.

It is, uh... how you say, uh...

no big deal. [CHUCKLES]

[SOFTLY] Thank you.

Okay.

[SIGHS]

[WITH AMERICAN ACCENT] Dude.

Why'd I let her off the hook?

I'm this close to that Jet Ski.

[APPLAUSE AND SHOUTING ON VIDEO GAME]

[MUTTERING INDISTINCTLY]

Hey, Uncle Terry. Thanks for the new game.

It is awesome!

[VIDEO GAME ANNOUNCER] ... the 40-yard line!

He's not gonna get up anytime soon.

Oh, yeah.

Hey, I-I kinda thought the two of us, you know, were gonna...

It even has a decapitation mode

that if you hit the quarterback hard enough,

its head flies off, and you can kick it

into the stands!

See? Boom! Yeah!

- [DASH] There goes your head! - That should be my head.

[INDISTINCT CHEERING AND SHOUTING ON VIDEO GAME]

[SOFT MUSIC]

[SQUELCHING AND GRUNTING ON VIDEO GAME]

It doesn't make any sense.

Wait.

[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC]

"Just be yourself, son."

Welcome back, submariner.

I've been waiting for you.

I cracked your code, Dad.

But all it said was "just be yourself."

There's no way that would ever work.

Communication can be challenging, Wyatt.

Sometimes it's hard work.

That's why I used the invisible ink...

to make you dig a little deeper.

But I did work hard.

Now I think it's too late.

I totally humiliated myself in front of Maya

because I listened to what everyone else was saying.

It's never too late, son,

as long as you're honest and you're open

and you share what's really in your heart.

What if I don't know what that is?

Hey, look, I'm good, but for the really tricky stuff,

you gotta talk to the master.

Down, periscope!

Pretty cool, huh? Take a look.

[GENTLE MUSIC]

Mom?

You know anyone with a bigger heart than hers?

I sure don't.

What do you think? You wanna do the honors?

Yell "up, periscope."

I'd love to, but I kind of

have something really important I have to do.

Aw, what the heck? Up, periscope!

Never gets old.

I'm sorry for yelling at you, Mom.

I was having a terrible day and I took it out on you.

And then I got stuck being mad,

even when I didn't wanna be anymore.

Sweetheart.

I'm sorry too.

Okay? It was a silly shirt.

And I was caught up in my own nonsense

and I should not have let it go on like that.

So... friends again?

Wyatt, we'll always be friends.

Let's make a deal, okay?

Next time we feel like not talking to each other,

let's... [INHALES DEEPLY]

... let's definitely talk about that.

Okay. Deal.

You're going jogging?

You haven't done that in a long time.

I know. And it's gonna be great

to get out there again. It'll be good for me...

in a lot of ways.

Uh, cool. Now that we're talking again

and you're, like,

the smartest person that I know...

Agreed, mm-hmm.

... I need some advice.

Okay.

There's this girl...

that I kind of like.

Mm-hmm.

And I'm still not sure

what to say to her.

Okay. Um... well...

I still remember the first words your father said to me.

Really?

What were they?

I was a freshman.

And I was checking out all the cool stuff

at an engineering fair on campus

when up walks this super cute and kind of awkward fella.

And he looks me in the eyes

and he says, "Hey, miss.

You ever arm-wrestled a robot?"

[CHUCKLES]

And that was it. I was hooked.

That's great, Mom, but... I can't say that.

No, of course not, silly. That line is pure Patrick.

See, you... you have to show her pure Wyatt.

And it's really not that big of a deal.

You just talk to her about what interests you these days.

Okay.

Thanks, Mom.

So... did you beat the robot?

What do you think?

Look at these guns!

[WITH ROBOT VOICE] These will not be defeated.

I'll take that as a yes.

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

Hey, Maya.

Wanna learn how to say your name in Morse code?

Uh... not really.

No, no, no, it's... it's cool,

'cause it's actually pretty easy.

It's just... dash-dash... dot-dash...

No, no, I have to hit it harder.

Dash-dash, dot-dash, dash... [SIGHS]

It's... it all starts with D, so, uh, dash, dot...

uh, no, no, no. Dosh, dat...

You're, like... super weird.

[BELL RINGS]

[GIRL] Dot-dot-dot-dot,

dot-dot.

- What? - That's Morse code for "hi."

My grandpa taught me that. He was in the navy.

Oh. My dad was the captain

of a submarine... [INHALES]... kind of.

That's really cool, Wyatt.

[GENTLE MUSIC]

You... know my name?

Yeah, I do. I'm Natalie.

See you around.

[SIGHS PLEASANTLY] Wow.

[HUFFS] Of course.

Everyone sees me rip my shirt off,

but no one sees that. [SIGHS]

[BUFFER WHIRRING]

Mm. Oh, hey, hey, hey.

Go easy on piggy number seven.

She's more ticklish than the rest.

Just get in there with your hands.

I'm starting to think that an F wouldn't be so bad.

Hi.

- Is Liam being punished? - [BETH INHALES SHARPLY]

I'm not sure, but it's nice to see them bonding...

and buffing. So?

How'd it go with the girl?

- [BETH] Hmm? - [SIGHS] Horrible.

[CLICKS TONGUE]

But then pretty awesome.

What? Hold it, mister, I want details!

[BETH] Remember? We agreed to talk!

- [GONG CLANGS] - [TERRY] Enter.

Oh. It's you.

Wanna play some football?

Oh, no, thanks.

I'm in a meeting.

Are you sure?

You said you liked the real thing.

Look...

so I'm really, uh...

I'm, uh... you know...

Uncle Terry.

I'd rather rip off your quarterback's head than anyone else's.

You're not just saying that to make me feel better?

No way.

Wow.

That's the sweetest apology I ever almost got.

- So you'll play? - Are you kidding me?

Get ready to have your head ripped off

by one of my bullet spirals!

Hang on.

Super cold hot wing for the road?

Best uncle ever!

Duh!

All right, Uncle Terry, let's see what you got.

Brace yourself for the beauty, little man.

[GRUNTS] Come on, you gotta dive!

You gotta dive for those. Not gonna walk to you.

Okay, that one got away from me a little bit.

- Little bit, little bit. - Ball is probably wet

or something, you know?

[GRUNTS] Comin' in hot.

All right, toss me another one.

We'll stay out here until you get the hang of it.

Mom, looking good.

Aw, thank you. Yeah, I forgot

how much running relaxes me.

All right.

[GLASS SHATTERS, DOG BARKS]

Yep. Nothing more soothing than a good jog.

Hey, Beth. Hey, Beth. B...

All right, Dash. Let's face the mus...

- Dash? - [MAN] Hey!

Who broke my window?

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