Original subtitles

That's a bit controversial, isn't it?

Holy Circus.

♪♪

♪ Amen ♪

I'll sit over here.

- Hello, Graham. - Johnny.

Morning, Murray.

So...

What did you think?

Of the rough cut?

Fantastic. Absolutely fantastic.

Loved it.

I think it might be the best thing we've done.

Oh, easily. By miles.

Now, I've spoken to Chris, who's head of North America,

and we'd like to open it first in the States.

Oh, terrific. Really terrific.

- So what's the thinking? - Ah.

Well, the First Amendment guarantees the right

to freedom of speech.

Plus it's a melting pot.

There's all kinds of different religions out there.

And it's Hollywood.

And Chris reckons you're ready to play with the big boys now.

Jolly good.

I love Americans.

Here in New York City,

Monty Python's Life of Brian

had its world premiere,

and Americans have come from far and wide to see it.

Not to watch the film, but to protest against it.

I'm going to ask them why.

- This film is disgusting. - Enough with the stereotypes.

I mean, it's not funny. How is this funny?

Life Of Brian is an evil film.

And Monty Python is an evil man.

I would like to say it's morally repugnant.

And also, kill the blacks.

I agree with him.

Except the bit about killing black people.

Obviously, that's not cool.

Well, that went well.

I knew it. Americans.

Total idiots.

Waste of space.

Wasn't all bad.

I got this lovely jacket.

Yes. Very nice.

We won't have the same problems here though, right?

Protests here?

No, I wouldn't think so, no.

Because the great British public,

they aren't quick to judge or completely closed-minded.

Oh, no, sorry.

They are quick to judge and massively closed-minded.

- Not the queers. - Apart from the queers.

Right, here are the press cuttings

and early box office breakdowns.

Oh, god.

Listen to this. This is from Variety.

Rabbi Hecht says the film, quote,

"Could result in violence."

Oh, yes.

Copycat crucifixions. I hadn't thought of that.

That is a worry, isn't it? Cretin.

I mean, they've been out of favor for 2,000 years,

but suddenly all the kids'll be doing it.

"Hey, Johnny, want to come out for a kick-about?"

"No, no, no.

Me and Gary thought we'd nail his brother to a tree."

Yeah, I think the Rabbi meant violent protest,

as in violence against us.

- Right. - Well, that wasn't clear.

- It sort of was. - Wasn't.

- Was. - Wasn't.

- Really was. - Really wasn't.

He goes on to say the film was produced in Hell.

Oh, I love that.

Could we have a scene where we show

some Christians killing some babies?

- Oh, yeah, funny. - That is funny. I like that.

Jesus having sex with Judas?

Good. Offensive. Put that in.

Maybe a scene where Jesus is on the cross

and gets quite turned on and ejaculates over everyone?

Oh, that is sick.

No, that's-you've gone way too far.

That crosses a fucking line.

Oh. Crap! Ugh.

So while you're all in the same room, gents,

I just need you to sign these release forms

for distribution in France.

Oh, so we're getting released in France?

- Yeah. - Have you seen French films?

It's all picnics and incest.

You can't shock that lot.

And what about here?

There's no need to worry.

Uh, well, I wasn't gonna worry,

but, um, now you've said there's no need to worry,

I'm thinking I might worry.

You're not getting cold feet, are you, Barry?

No, course not.

All I'm saying is, you know,

let's not project it on to the side of Westminster Abbey

or, you know,

start selling Life of Brian Christmas crackers.

Have you seen.

Monty Python's Life of Brian Christmas crackers?

Knock knock.

- Who's there? - No-one.

We're all alone in a godless universe.

Monty Python's Life of Brian Christmas crackers.

Fun for all the family,

as long as you're not Christian,

easily offended, or expecting good jokes.

So...

it's all going okay here so far?

Yes, there's been the odd article.

Nothing too bad. Mind you, we haven't opened yet.

If it wasn't going well,

if things got bad,

would you be okay?

Even if all the religious leaders in the world

denounce you, I'll be there for you.

Thank you.

Until we die,

when I'll go to heaven, and you'll be in hell.

- That's nice. - Oh, I'm joking!

It's a joke.

It's not a very funny joke.

Terry would have found it funny.

Terry's got a terrific sense of humor.

Can I have a cuddle?

Oh, of course you can.

Oh, God, gently, love!

Sorry.

Sorry.

I just came from Wildlife.

Shall we begin?

Right! Listen up.

I'm in charge.

This is the office for Friday Night, Saturday Morning?

Yes.

Good. Well, listen up.

I know you were all expecting to be working with Trevor,

and I'm sure you were terribly saddened by his sudden death,

but I'm in charge now, and he's history.

Moving on.

Point two-that was point one-

Point two.

I don't care what you think you were doing before.

You're not doing that now.

You, what did you think you were doing?

A chat show?

Wrong!

Chat shows are bullshit.

I don't want to make a chat show.

People chatting? Uh-uh.

Boring. People talking?

Now you're talking.

I'm not sure I follow.

I want this show to be about where Britain's at today.

The '60s were all free love, anything goes.

The '70s were No Sex Please, We're British,

and everything's a downer.

We're about to head into a new decade.

What will the Britain of the future be like?

Will it be prim

or full of quim?

Oh, dear God.

You! Bring me a chair.

So how are you going to do all that

on what will essentially be

something quite like a chat show?

. Okay-

Uh, random example.

We have a homeless guy.

- What? - Hear me out, big man.

We have a homeless guy on the same show as the Queen.

Oh, right-Really?

No, it's just an example.

I'm showing you what's possible.

I'm reaching into your tiny mind

and opening the doors of the TARDIS.

It's a police box. Whoosh!

No it's not. It's Narnia.

You!

I want you to build me a set

that looks like I've dropped acid in Hawaii.

Oh, yeah.

I'm out there.

It's gonna be like when Dylan went electric.

That's what's happening, so boo me, beardy,

or get on board.

Sorry, who are you?

Well, I'm Alan Dick.

I'm the new BBC Head of Talk.

So, uh, I'm confused.

It's my first day.

Do I answer to you,

or do I work for the producer, lain Johnstone?

You answer to me.

- Oh. - I know.

Brilliant, isn't it?

All these 'orrible bags.

I dunno.

Oh!

This is a bit of script from Life of Brian.

This looks like it might be quite offensive.

I should pass this on to someone

who might find it even more offensive.

All right, Desmond, the usual, is it?

Yes, please, Keith,

and a pint of mild, thanks.

Arse! Balls! Prickshit!

No problem.

- There's your pint of lager. - You can keep the change.

Ah, cheers. Grand.

Sam tells me you've got news on the Life of Brian.

Prepare to be blown away...

I'm not queer!

Where did you get hold of this?

A man found it out walking his dog.

- You didn't steal it, did you? - No, no.

A man really did find it while out walking his dog.

Wanker!

Is it real?

I did it with stencils!

I didn't.

I've got a friend who is a comedy writer

and a committed Christian.

Really?

I know. It's odd, isn't it?

Anyway, I'll show him this,

and if he can verify it's 100% genuine,

we can get the ball rolling.

Balls!

Sorry.

Well, I suppose congratulations are in order.

Well done, Desmond. Cheers.

Scrotums! Cheers.

Banjo fucker!

- The bad language... - Is it, is it-are you...

The doctor suggested seeing a therapist.

That's a bit American, isn't it?

Yank me! It is a bit.

The irony is, a few hundred years ago,

someone like me would probably have

someone like you burnt at the stake

for being possessed by demons.

That's not very nice.

Bell-end!

What about this?

We get Harold Wilson.

Harold Wilson the former Prime Minister?

Okay, I can work with that.

Yeah, Harold Wilson...

and a bin man.

Yeah, and we ask them the same question.

Why is this country such a mess?

But the bin men are on strike.

No, you're right.

Shit idea. Fuck it. Bin it.

It's gone. It's history. Moving on.

You! Any ideas?

Too slow. Forget it.

Yes?

I didn't say anything.

What about Life of Brian?

Did you see that news report about the U.S. opening?

Ah, yes, now, good, because lain suggested-

- Okay, for the UK premiere, we get the Pythons versus...

the Pope.

The Pope? The actual Pope?

Yeah, try the Pope. Aim high.

Start there and work your way down.

How about bishops?

Bishops.

Fantastic.

I love bishops.

I can just imagine it.

What have the Christians ever given us?

Well...

a moral code, charity, good works,

inspiration,

a countervailing and oppositional force

against the evils of capitalism.

Yeah, apart from that,

what have the Christians ever given us?

- Christian names? - Mm-hmm.

Yeah, yeah. Very useful.

Yeah, obviously Christian names.

Apart from that, what have the Christians ever given us?

Hot cross buns?

Yes, I can see it now.

It'll be like one of their sketches, hilarious.

Do you want it to be funny,

or do you want it to be a proper debate?

I want it to be a proper debate...

that is also funny...

and moving...

and edgy.

And I want it to win a BAFTA.

- I see. - No, I'm serious!

This could be the greatest TV show ever made.

Who else have we got on that night?

Paul Jones and Norris McWhirter.

Maybe not.

So who's heard about Sue Lawley?

Hmm?

Now you've had a letter off the BBC asking

if you want go on Friday Night, Saturday Morning

to do a debate on Brian with some religious types.

Is there any money in it?

Uh, no.

On.

I don't really want to do anything for the BBC any more.

I got so bored and fed up on Flying Circus

of them wanting us to rework our scripts,

telling us.

"Uh, you can only have three 'shits' or a 'bugger."'

Ridiculous rule.

Who came up with that, anyway?

That was the BBC's Head of Rude Words.

Lovely chap.

Used to get terribly embarrassed though.

So this is a list of the words

the sample group found most offensive.

Yes.

Cunt.

So sorry.

Motherfucker.

Is that two words?

I think it's just the one.

Right.

Then comes "fuck."

Good old fuck.

No. Sorry.

Moving on.

Cock sucker.

Shit.

We are now over the worst.

Bastard.

Tits.

Winky woo.

Maybe you could just give me the list?

Good idea.

I could have done it in the first place.

Saved this whole...

SCENE.

So do we have a decision on the show?

- What do you think? - Fine by me.

I'm happy to plug the film.

No. Absolutely not.

I forbid it.

- Why? - Because.

- 'Cause what? - No.

Do you want to elaborate on that position?

We don't need to explain ourselves.

It's all in the film.

- Well, look. - I've got to tell them something.

I know you've got to do your little vote thing,

so shall we just skip to that?

All those in favor of boycotting,

say, "Fuck Auntie Beeb."

Pi.

Right.

We're all on Mike's side, are we?

Yes.

Why?

Because he is the nicest man in the world?

- Pretty much. - Yup.

So do you want to change your mind, John?

No.

All right then, so you're not unanimous, are you?

No.

And we have to be unanimous. Thus, I win.

Does that make you happy, love?

No.

Okay, I've had it verified.

It's as real as the Turin Shroud.

Oh, that is b-b-b-b-

- Bollocks!

Brilliant? Yes, I know!

And if this is the route that Python are taking,

then who knows what else could be in the film?

Tits!

Probably.

Now, I've given it some thought,

and what we don't want is to give them free publicity

or turn them into martyrs.

So I'm suggesting a back-door approach.

Gaylord!

So w-w-w-w-w...

What's the plan?

Well, we lobby the BBFC and urge them

to think of the consequences of allowing the film to be shown.

Oh, you know w-w-what else we could do?

W-w-w-we could ask people to pray,

You know, just let God sort it out.

- Yes. - Could do.

Let's not rely on that though.

Okay, everyone.

Let's get out there and spread the word.

Marmite!

Right. Come on!

They turn the crucifixion into a song-and-dance number.

They ridicule the Sermon on the Mount.

You see Jesus' willy.

Apparently, if you watch the film backwards,

it implies that Jesus made the healthy sick

and went round blinding people.

I heard they burn a puppy

in the belly of a giant wicker kitten.

- Why? - Exactly.

That's fucked up.

But, I mean, what if we have overstepped the mark?

Oh, hey, come on.

We all knew that Mary Whitehouse and the Festival of Light

weren't gonna like it.

You worry too much.

I can't help it. I do.

Why is that?

Why do you worry about what other people think?

Gee, I don't know.

Maybe it's because you're the nicest man in the world.

That's ridiculous.

Oh, excuse me, miss.

- Miss, you dropped this. - Thank you.

John just likes saying that as a dig.

- You see? - What?

Morning, Bill.

Get yourself some lunch.

Yeah, very well. Thanks.

You're constantly doing nice things.

I really don't think that's true.

You're all self-deprecating about it.

I'm no more self-deprecating than the next man.

You're even self-deprecating about being self-deprecating.

- Oh, great! - What?

I've trodden in some dog poop.

Oh, Terry, I'm sorry.

That was probably my fault for distracting you.

Have a tissue.

- It hasn't even come out yet. - Sells papers.

Hardly fair reporting, is it'?

I'm not in the business of fair reporting.

I'm in the business of selling papers.

I notice you haven't made fun of the Muslims.

Why would we make fun of the Muslims?

Why not? You afraid of them?

It's 1979.

No one in this country knows anything about Islam.

No one's read the Koran. Have you read the Koran?

- Yes. - Y-have you?

- No. - No.

And do you know why?

Doesn't sell papers.

Because this is a Christian country

with a Christian heritage,

and we are brought up within a Christian framework.

Okay, imagine it's the future,

and there are 2 ½ million Muslims living in Britain.

Would you make a film about them then?

"No!"

That would still only be 4% of the population.

Assuming, of course, the population had risen to,

let's say, 61 ½ million.

And I would still doubt,

given the general decline in standards of education,

that your average Briton would have read the Koran.

That's just a cop-out.

No, it isn't.

Christianity stands as a metaphor

for all organized religions and the abuse they're open to.

You're just scared of reprisals.

- Scared of reprisals? - Scared of-

Hello. John Cleese here.

Sorry to interrupt.

Just wanted to point out

that this a fictional representation of me

based loosely on my Basil Fawlty persona.

Oh, please, Mr. Fawlty!

Please! You breaking my head!

In real life, I'm a lovely man.

Oh, a dolly, thank you, that is so nice.

So there you have it.

Just to reiterate, John Cleese,

in real life, absolutely tremendous chap.

Thanks for listening.

Yes, I'm very well.

Hang on a moment, please.

Michael!

Michael!

It's your mum for you.

Hello, Mum.

Michael, have you seen the news?

About all these protests?

Yes, Mum.

I'm really worried, Michael.

I'm worried sick.

I can't tell you how worried I am.

It's so worrying.

Oh, that's the door. I've got to go.

Bye then, Mum.

I want the Pythons!

We've asked them already, and they said no.

Oh, all right, so what?

We just give up?

No, this is Friday Night, Saturday Morning.

I'm not here to make bland TV.

I want to make something memorable.

I want people to come in to work the next day

and talk about the show as they stand around the water jug.

I want a water jug moment.

I'm creating water jug television.

What?

What if people don't have a water jug?

And the next day is a Saturday.

Most people don't work on a Saturday.

Shut up!

I want the Pythons, so get me the bloody Pythons.

Barbara Dixon is available.

The Two Ronnies don't need her this week.

Good.

Barbara Dixon is the closest this country has to a true star.

And she's totty.

Very classy totty.

So Barry here has asked me to outline a defense

if a religious group tries to get the film banned

for being blasphemous.

But before I do that... can I just say,

huge fan.

Moving on.

The basis of the case we would make

in that eventuality is that, uh...

Is that Brian and Jesus are two different people,

and that Jesus appears

as a separate character in the film.

So that's a robust defense, is it'?

You're confident that will work?

Uh, no.

It's a bit of a punt, to be honest,

but, uh, let's hope it works,

because I don't want to be the man

who sent the Pythons to prison!

Right, yes.

And that's it, is it?

Fingers crossed? Touch wood?

Say a prayer?

Afraid so.

Um, and I hate to say this because I am a fan,

but, um, you did sort of bring this on yourselves.

I beg your pardon?

Well, the blasphemy laws remained unused

for about 60 years,

but about two years ago,

a poem was published in Gay News, which-

which I believe Graham here was instrumental in setting up.

Well, I am gay.

I like news,

and it's very good for film reviews.

Yeah, fuck the film reviews.

What was the poem about?

Um, it was a poem about a Roman soldier

sticking things into Jesus's stigmata

while he was on the cross

and becoming aroused by that.

What?

Who the fuck would write a poem about a soldier

sticking his knob in a crucified man's spear wounds?

I've had an idea for a poem.

Is it about wound fucking?

- Yeah. - Sounds good.

I'm writing a novel about a dysfunctional family

in a Northern mining town.

- Really? - No, I'm kidding.

It's actually about a really hot guy

who likes to jizz over guys in a burns unit.

- Oh, my God. - That sounds amazing.

It's actually very moving.

Mary Whitehouse didn't like the poem.

No shit.

And the upshot was, she prosecuted Gay News,

and that reactivated the blasphemy laws.

And you lot knew about this?

Oh, yes, they contributed to the Gay News fighting fund,

which is a principled stand I really admired.

Big fan of that.

Although, wearing my Q.C.'s hat-or wig-

um, I would say it was unhelpful.

Or to put it in the words of my nine-year-old grandson,

"Jo-ey!"

No.

No, see, I thought that would be quite funny.

Whoa! Epic fail!

"Dear BBC,"

"the Joey Deacon reference"

"in Holy Flying Circus is inexcusable."

"The story is set in 1979,"

"and Mr. Deacon did not appear on Blue Peter until 1981."

"Therefore, a nine-year-old would be unlikely"

"to be aware of his existence,"

"unless you're implying he was a relative or neighbor,"

"which I doubt."

"Also, the sub-Python self-referential"

"quasi-avant garde posturing bullshit sucks arse."

New»

"hairy...

"Nana...

arse."

Come in!

Yeah, I want a three-part series about canals,

a documentary about Scandinavian jazz,

and some old footage of a barge.

That's all we're gonna be showing

for the next six months.

Um, we've had a complaint.

Oh... oh...

Do you know what I like about BBC Four'?

Nobody gives a fuck.

Do you like to dance, Lowry'?

Dance for me, Lowry.

♪♪

Ah, you're here about Life of Brian?

Yes. Oh, uh, Barry Atkins.

I'm representing the film.

Andrew Thorogood.

I'm here protesting about the film.

Oh. This is John.

Yes, I know who he is.

- I'm Michael. - I know who you are.

So should we duke it out right here?

I don't like conflict.

Just here to register our feelings.

So what's the damage, Jim?

Well, we're giving it a double A.

A double A? On what grounds?

In what way is that film suitable for a 14-year-old?

There's no sex.

There are buttocks.

There's no violence.

People are crucified.

And there's no "C" -word.

What about the 'B"-word?

Bastard or bugger?

Blasphemy.

This could undermine

a 14-year-old's faith in Christianity.

In our view, it's just a bunch of silly jokes.

Very good ones, though.

- Thanks very much. - Good? Bloody brilliant.

I see.

In that case, I shall have to take this up

with a higher authority.

Who's that then, God?

No. The council.

Could you sign these for me?

Certainly.

It would be a pleasure.

What did he mean about the council?

Oh, the BBFC is only advisory.

Local councils can have the final say

over what films are shown,

and they can reclassify films

if they don't like our rating.

You're kidding.

I kid you not.

Right. Okay.

The BBFC have given it a AA.

Oh, that is a sh-sh-sh...

Shitbucket!

A shame.

So what now?

We write to local councils asking them

to ban Life of Brian.

♪ Dun-dun-duuuuuun! ♪

Or reclassify it as an X.

Eczema!

Maybe if the B-B-B-B-B-B-B-

B-B-B-B-B-

Maybe if they think it's okay,

then... maybe it is okay.

They make fun of the Lord, and you think that's okay,

do you, Gareth?

- N-n-n-n. - Good.

That's the end of the discussion.

Yes, b-b-b-b-

- Quite all right. No need to apologize.

Cunt!

Oh, fuck.

Some councils are definitely going to ask

for an X certificate.

So my question to you all is this:

Are you happy to take an X certificate

and at least get the film seen by some people?

No.

They show it with the BBFC certificate,

or they don't get to show it at all.

We can't give in to censorship.

So you'd rather censor yourselves?

Yes.

It's half logical, half silly.

Out of interest, how much revenue will we lose?

50%? Maybe more.

All those in favor of refusing the X certificate,

say, "Eric is a money-grabbing bastard."

Eric is a money-grabbing bastard.

Eric is a money-grabbing bastard.

All right. I'll let Doug know.

I know various churches are writing to their members

to ask them to put pressure on their councils for a boycott.

Let's just hope that our politicians do the right thing

and don't act out of cowardly self-interest.

♪ Soldiers of Christ arise ♪

Front bottom!

♪ And put your armor on ♪

♪ For His eternal son ♪

♪ Strong in the Lord of hosts ♪

♪ And in His mighty power ♪

♪ P-P-D-power ♪

Oh, shit.

Hello.

I thought you didn't like conflict.

We are merely peacefully protesting,

exercising our right to free speech.

Right.

Thank you so much.

Piss off.

You expecting anyone?

No.

Hello.

Can I talk to you about Life of Brian?

Yes, but can I talk to you about Life of Brian?

Great. Ca-what?

No, never mind.

We'd like you to sign our petition to help

get Life of Brian banned.

I don't think it should be banned.

We believe it's evil and should be banned.

Would you like to come in and discuss it?

No. Nothing to discuss.

It's blasphemous, and it should be banned.

Can you sign our petition?

Can you explain to me why it should be banned?

Look, you're wasting my time.

I have other people to talk to who want to sign my petition.

Well, don't you think it's worth talking over?

Maybe you can persuade me to sign?

Maybe I'll persuade you why people shouldn't sign?

Are you trying to brainwash me?

No, I just want to have a conversation with you.

There's no conversation to be had.

Do you want to sign my petition?

- No. - Why not?

'Cause I'm not convinced the film should be banned.

Why not?

Did you write it?

Uh, yes.

Oh, I see.

You're one of them.

It's not Invasion of the Body Snatchers.

- Deny it if you can. - You're one of them.

- Why would I deny it? - I just told you.

You can't. You can't deny it.

I don't want to deny it!

You see!

I do see, 'cause I just told you.

You're one of them!

God, are we still on this?

Yes, I am one of them.

So will you sign my petition or not?

- No. - Why not?

Oh...

We want to have a debate about the Life of Brian.

Well, that sounds tremendous.

And we wondered if you,

the People's Church of St. Sophia,

would like to come on the show?

Us?

On the show?

I don't think that's a very good idea.

Why not?

Well, I can't.

I don't like conflict.

What about you two?

N-n-n-n-n-n...

That's a no.

Y-y-y-y-y-y...

y-y-y-y-y-y...

- That's a yes. - As in yes, it's a no.

He has a stammer.

And you, Desmond?

Would you like to come on the show?

Come on, speak up!

I had no idea he was going to say that.

I had n-Really, I had no idea.

I've had that Friday Night, Saturday Morning

on the phone again.

Want to know if you've changed your minds.

The exact words were, "being as it's all gone tits-up."

No, there's no point.

Everyone's made their mind up their minds already.

We can't persuade anyone.

I think we should.

You said no before.

- No, I didn't. - Yes, you did.

No, I didn't.

Well, you said yes.

So I've changed my mind.

Oh, so you're just being contrary.

No, I'm not.

No, I'm really not.

I think we can persuade people.

We are intelligent men, hmm?

Well, you might struggle with your flabby Oxford minds.

No danger of that with our sharper Cambridge intellects.

And I for one think it is vital we exercise our right

to free speech to defend free speech.

No. Everyone's entrenched.

It's utterly futile.

- Fuck! - We can't have spunked it.

There must be something we can do.

- Try their agent again. - Not gonna happen.

All right. We ring Ken.

We get the 9:00 news to pump up the story

even bigger so they have to defend themselves.

You can't do that.

Or we send them death threats.

That's not very nice.

- Someone will do it. - I'm sure they will.

All right.

- We send them a shit in the post. - What?

Something to rile them, stir them into action.

No, I don't want to do that.

- Shh. - No, lain said-

- Shh. - Don't tell me to-

- Shh.

- But I. - Shh!

And what did the police say'?

They said, "Can you think of anyone

who might want to send you feces?"

What did you say to that?

I said, "Yes. Jesus."

"Anyone who likes Jesus.

"Businessmen, philosophers,

"upper class twits, Australians,

"women, TV presenters,

"Alan Whicker, The Beatles,

"Yorkshire men,

"anyone who works in the production

"or marketing of Spam,

"men who say 'Nudge nudge, '

"knights who say 'Ni!, '

"and anyone who doesn't like jokes about ocelots.

You know, Officer. The usual."

So what did you actually say'?

I said, "Have you tried",

"Derek 'So Mad He Shits In A Box' McNee

at Number 24?"

What did you actually say'?

I said "No." You happy now?

I said, "No, I do not know anyone"

"who hates me enough to send me poo in the post,

apart from the other Pythons."

And what did they say'?

They said, "Nothing we can do, I'm afraid,

unless someone threatens you or attacks you."

Oh, for fuck's sake!

And they can't trace it?

No, to be fair to them,

it's not like there was a trail of shit

leading out the door to a man trying to do up his trousers.

And they can't do anything forensic?

No, each shit is not unique.

They're not fingerprints.

Some of them can be quite swirly.

Yes,

but we cannot identify people from their shit.

Shits do not look like their owners,

which is lucky, really,

otherwise we'd have old ladies standing round lavatories,

cooing, "Ooh, it's the spit of you."

Hello, Barry.

Have you heard about Eric's shit in a box?

Oh, right, you've had one too?

Yeah, we've had some here.

Now, look, while I've got you all here,

I've been told that in the light of the current situation,

I need to ask you all to make wills.

It's just shit, Barry.

I think the worst that can happen

is we go blind, isn't it?

Yeah, we've also had death threats...

What?

Oh, it's just jokes for fuck's sake.

What happened to sticks and stones may break my bones,

but names can never hurt me?

I told you!

What did I say, huh?

The great British public are fucking bastards.

It's a bit apocalyptic, isn't it?

A third part of the sea became blood,

and people didst shit into a box

and threaten to kill thy comedy performers for no good reason.

Look, do you want to back down?

You could withdraw the film like Kubrick did

with, um, Clockwork Orange.

All right, don't answer that now.

Maybe just go away, have a think about it,

talk to your families.

All those in favor of maintaining

our zero-tolerance stance to censorship,

say "Mrs. Niggerbaiter."

Mrs. Niggerbaiter.

You seem worried.

How can you tell?

Well, you're pacing, which you don't normally do,

and you're smoking, which you don't normally do.

Well, I admit I am worried.

You can't take it personally.

How can I not take it personally?

They're burning an effigy of me in my own garden.

That's just weird.

- Close the window, darling. - It smells of burning you.

- This is ridiculous. - How did this get so out of hand?

I think it's because you made that film

making fun of their religion.

Maybe I should go on Friday Night, Saturday Morning.

Would that help?

Don't ask me, darling,

I'm just a pretty face.

What if it just makes things worse?

Just fans the flames?

- Sorry! - We set fire to your tree.

Oh, for God's sake.

Can I just say

it's been a tremendous honor for me

to help prepare your wills, and, um...

well, as well as getting your signatures,

I wondered if I could also get your autographs?

Wrong time?

Wrong time. Sorry.

Terry says you've had to make a will.

It's just a precaution, Mum.

- It's nothing to worry about. - Oh, no.

Why would I worry about my son making fun of religion

and being murdered by a fanatic?

No, I won't be losing any sleep over that one.

It's perfectly normal.

My friend, Elaine, her son's just been stabbed

for pulling a face at a Buddhist.

Happens all the time.

Honestly, Mum.

They've just done it to cover themselves.

Besides, if the protestors wanted to kill anybody,

it would probably be John.

He's the annoying one.

Did you make a proper will?

Or have you promised to leave all your money to a penguin

and a rickshaw to a Spaniard?

No, it's a proper will.

- So it is a proper will. - So I should be worried.

What are you trying to do, Michael, hmm?

Are you willy-waving at Jesus?

- Shh! - Mum, we're in a restaurant.

Why make fun of religion?

We're not, and even if we were...

is that so bad?

Look how much you're upsetting people.

Now, you might think they're stupid people

or priggish people, but they're real people.

Why are their thoughts and feelings

less important than yours?

Why are my feelings less important than theirs?

Oh...

I just don't understand why you're doing this, Michael.

I want to understand.

I just don't.

There we go.

I've changed my mind about the debate.

I think we should do it.

Why?

Because this is getting out of hand.

We've got an orchestrated campaign against us.

We've been banned by 39 local councils.

We're only opening in one cinema.

People who work for us are getting death threats,

and there are people outside right now

praying that we withdraw the film and renounce our sins.

Renounce your sins!

. Go away!

You're sinister and intimidating!

We are not sinister or intimidating!

We are merely following you and watching you,

like the Lord is watching you.

Always and forever.

I'm Spartacus!

Wanker!

We've got to stick up for ourselves.

If we don't stand up for ourselves,

who's going to stand up for all the other comedians

who come after us?

Got to make a stand to allow funny men and women everywhere

to make jokes about murder and rape and projectile vomiting

and handicapped kiddies and Mohammed in a bear suit

and-I don't know-

Olympic swimmers with faces like spoons.

Mike's got a point.

I agree. You should do it.

No. No way.

Not at all. I'm out.

- Oh, please, John. - I know you love being contrary.

No, I don't.

But on this, can't you see?

It's them we should be disagreeing with,

not each other.

I think you should do it.

You and John.

And why us, pray tell?

Because you're good at shouting at people

and being enormously sarcastic,

and Mike's the nicest man in the world.

You're the perfect team.

I can't do it, 'cause Christians and homosexuals

can't be in the same room together.

We're their natural predators.

Terry G. Can't do it, 'cause he's American,

and I think that deep down,

none of us like or trust Americans.

No offence, Terry.

Screw you, ass-monkey.

Terry J. Can't do it because he'll just prattle on

about the camera angles.

And Eric won't do it because they won't pay him.

- Exactly. - So you two have to do it.

All those in favor, say Christ on a gondola.

Christ on a gondola.

Come on, John.

You can shout at a man in a dress.

It'll be like doing the show again.

I thought you said there was no point,

that everyone had made up their mind.

I spoke to my mum.

She said she doesn't understand why we've done it.

Said she wants to, but she doesn't.

I think there might be other people like that out there.

And is this about them, or about you and your mum?

Oh, please, John.

I'm asking nicely.

Well, you would, wouldn't you?

Fine. Fine.

No, don't do it.

I'll do it myself.

No, fine. Fine.

I can't let you have all the fun.

I'll do it.

Christ on a gondola.

Christ on a gondola.

Oh, sorry, love.

Was Terry there tonight?

Yes.

I like Terry.

He's my favorite.

John's coming round tomorrow.

Homework. For the debate.

You sure it's a good idea to do that show?

Why?

Well, what if the debate doesn't go okay?

What if it makes things worse?

Then we'll move to Mexico and change our names.

I'll start a new life as Miguel Palinez

and work as a guacamole inspector.

Well, don't expect me to go with you.

Hey, I thought you said

that even if all the religious leaders of the world

denounced me, you'd stick by me?

I just don't want to see you get murdered

by some sort of religious maniac.

You put that away.

What?

We got the Pythons!

Cleese and Palin confirmed this morning!

Yes!

Whoo! One-nil!

Kempes!

Bloody brilliant!

Come here and give me a hug!

I don't want to give you a hug, Alan.

Come on. Give me a hug!

So how did we do it?

I asked lain. He knows them.

I told you that.

Lain...

lain. Lain Johnstone.

Never heard of him.

So who's heard about Frank Bough?

You know, sometimes I truly despise this country.

The descent into yobbery goes on unabated.

Do you know I just saw

two teenagers spitting in the street?

Do you think they know that's how TB spreads?

Of course they don't.

Do they care?

No.

I blame the Tories.

Things would be a lot different

if the Lib Dems were in power, that's for sure.

The Lib Dems?

No such thing as the Lib Dems.

- Don't you mean the Liberals? - Shh.

So I've been doing a spot of homework.

Right. Crikey.

Someone's taking it all very seriously.

Any idea who we're up against?

Funny you should ask that.

Not a clue.

So who are we gonna put 'em up against?

Well, I still think we can still get a couple of bishops.

- Two bishops? - No, it's way too dry.

About as dry as a dry-roasted peanut up a dead nun's noo-noo.

No, we need a comedy-type person on.

You know there are comedy people who are Christian.

- Really? - I know.

Weird, isn't it?

What about Malcolm Muggeridge?

Malcolm Muggeridge?

The hard-drinking, chain-smoking,

womanizing Malcolm Muggeridge?

Yeah, the hard-drinking, chain-smoking,

womanizing, born-again Malcolm Muggeridge.

It says here he's famously contrary.

His maxim is, "Only dead fish swim with the stream."

Great.

Whatever happens, he'll be dynamite TV.

Are you sure you want this guy on the show?

Yes. He'll bring gravitas.

Look, he used to do comedy.

Now he does religion.

And he likes to go on TV and say shit

that he knows will wind people up.

He could only be better if he had tits like Cleo Rocos

and did the splits like Nadia Comaneci.

But what if- and I'm ignoring that last bit-

what if he ends up siding with the Pythons?

According to this, he was in a similar situation once.

There was some big outcry about an article he wrote.

The hell were you thinking?

Have you read it?

I don't need to read it, Malcolm,

it's called, "Does England Really Need A Queen?"

You might as well have called it,

"I Think It's Acceptable To Masturbate Into Marmalade".

What the bloody hell were you thinking about, man?

Fuss over nothing.

I said practically the same thing

in another piece about two years ago.

Well, that's as maybe,

but no one complained about that one.

They are complaining about this one

because they find it offensive

and quite rightly so.

How can it possibly be offensive?

It's only a thought.

I hear Beaverbrook's cancelling your contract.

Apparently.

Well, I'm sorry to hear that, Malcolm,

but you've brought this on yourself.

We have to let you go.

It's the BBC, for God's sake. We've got certain standards.

No hard feelings?

Towards you?

Not at all.

Good. Come on.

I've shagged his wife.

Who? Marjorie?

No, Olivia.

That's my wife.

Oh, then I've shagged your wife.

Sorry about that.

Lovely woman though.

Makes a wonderful breakfast.

Maybe he'll side with the Pythons.

Maybe not. That's the beauty of it.

The guy's totally unpredictable.

He's a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside a...

shit.

Maybe he'll argue with the Pythons and the bishop,

and we get a three-way fist fight.

Love it.

Post me my BAFTA.

Okay, I'm the bishop.

Right.

Why have you deliberately set out to offend people of faith?

Uh, well, Bishop,

it wasn't our intention to deliberately offend Christians

or to be blasphemous.

I totally disagree with that.

Sorry, is that you in character,

or are you talking as you?

No, I'm talking as me.

Talk to Graham about it. Ask him what he thinks.

He's not that keen on Christians

because they're not that keen on homosexuals.

See, I don't think we intended to be offensive

just for the sake of it.

There's nothing wrong with being offensive.

It's part of life.

If you get offended, so what?

In a way, it's a good thing.

It tells you you're still alive at least.

Why can't I say things to offend you, hmm?

Why can't I say I don't like your hair?

Or your wife looks like a man and makes fucking awful soup.

What is the worst that could happen?

Hello, John.

Oh, hello.

Sorry, didn't realize you were, uh...

Cup of tea?

I can put the kettle on,

although I don't think it'll suit me.

Oh.

Very good! Very good.

Well done.

Most amusing.

Tres amusant.

No, we're fine, thank you.

Most kind of you to ask.

We're-we're-we're-we're fine.

Sure I can't I get you anything?

Glass of cordial?

Spot of soup?

No, we're fine. Thank you.

Although your soup is always delightful.

Right. Where was I?

- Um... - Being offensive.

- Being offensive. - Yes, thank you.

What is the worst that could happen, hmm?

You'll stop talking to me? Heaven forfend!

What will probably happen?

You'll be upset for a bit and then forget about it.

What's the best that can happen?

Maybe you'll think "John's got a point."

"My wife does look like a man,

"and her soup does taste fucking awful.

Maybe I should leave her."

I've been able to keep my marriage together, thanks.

Oh, well, that's the spirit!

Besides, we haven't been offensive, Mike.

People just like complaining.

The British love complaining.

Complaining about the weather,

complaining about the government,

the fucking darkies, the fucking queers,

Noel fucking Edmonds and his Multi-Cunting Swap Shop.

When it comes to the British,

you can't please any of the people any of the time.

And you know why they like complaining so much?

Maybe it's because deep down,

they know there is no fucking God,

and it takes their mind off the fact

that their lives are a pathetic sham

that won't amount to a hill of shitty beans.

You going to be like this on the TV?

Yes, I am.

So what about our bishop?

He can't be too serious, but he can't be too flippant.

How will we find the best bishop?

Mm... no.

No. Nope.

Ah-Ooh, no.

Him. He's perfect.

- Are you sure? - Oh, yes.

He's absolutely mad.

You know what?

We should just go on this show and make fun of God.

- Yeah. - Yeah, that would be helpful.

What if the Christians just attack us?

- It's a rational argument. - It's a debate.

I think we go on the attack.

"Bishop, you work for an organization

"that is closely associated with kiddie fiddling.

"Where do you stand on the issue of child rape?

Good Christian behavior?"

- Yes, that's helpful, John. - Thanks.

Well, let's not take it too seriously.

We could go on in fancy dress.

I could go dressed as Christ.

You can go dressed as Satan.

We could both go dressed as Mary.

Or babies wearing nappies. Or apostles wearing nappies-

and bondage gear.

No, you've got to take this seriously, John.

There are people working for us who have had death threats.

Well, they're not important.

They're the little people.

They're expendable.

What?

Rm joking.

It's not very funny.

I think it is.

I don't think it is.

You've gone too far.

No, I haven't.

And even if I had, you could pretend I hadn't.

You can ignore me.

Or you could stop being my friend.

Oh, God, you're difficult.

No, I'm not.

Yes, you are.

Right. That's it.

Enough is enough.

It doesn't have to be like this.

I look inside you, Palin, and all I see is weakness.

I look inside you, and I see hatred.

Give in to hatred.

Hating things is funny.

No, never!

"No!"

I'd rather be nice.

Sorry. No offense.

Stop being nice, you soppy bastard.

That's it, run away!

Run away from the fight, you big chicken!

- You all right, John? - Hang on, I'm coming.

Got you!

Bloody BBC, they should have had stunt men for this.

- Who won? - No idea.

You should have storyboarded it.

I did do a storyboard it,

but I left it by the window, and it blew away.

Yeah, well, maybe shut the fucking window.

I know but it added an interesting visual texture.

I'll just see you at TV Centre tomorrow then, shall I?

John, what are you going to say on the show?

Well, I'm going to talk about

how Fawlty Towers is much funnier than Ripping Yarns.

Seriously, John.

I'm going to be as offensive as possible.

This is important, John.

This isn't just the future of comedy we're arguing for.

This is free speech.

Oh, I believe in free speech, Mike.

That's why I can't let you censor me.

That's why I'm going to say whatever the fuck I like.

Arse!

Balls!

Prick!

Shit!

Thank you and good night.

♪ Balls and bugger and shits and tits ♪

♪ And a whole lot of fanny ♪

How did it go with John today'?

He thinks I'm taking it all too seriously.

Mm-hmm.

And are you?

I don't know.

What's more important than making fun of things?

If we're not allowed to make fun of things

that take themselves too seriously,

how are we supposed to stop them from taking over the world?

And what happens

if the comedians take themselves too seriously?

Comedians are allowed to take themselves too seriously

because they're special and better than everyone else.

- Oh, really? - Yes.

Oh, I can't think straight anymore.

- Come to bed. - You've done too much homework.

If you don't know why comedians are better

than God now, you'll never know.

I should probably do a bit more prep, love.

Fancy a bunk-up?

Yeah, go on then.

Do you ever think

that we're persecuting the Pythons?

No.

They're persecuting us.

Thousands of films get made every year.

So one happens to be a comedy about religion.

Is that them focusing on us?

Or are we focusing on them?

Weirdo!

Are you having a moment of doubt, Doubting Desmond?

No... Patronizing tit!

No. No.

Just playing devil's advocate.

Piss off!

Desmond, swearing-

- Yes, yes. I am aware of it.

Is it-It's never deliberate, is it?

Oh, no. No.

Liar! No.

Good. Good.

Oh, not again.

You're not the nicest man in the world.

You're a very naughty boy.

I'm sorry!

I'm really sorry!

Oh, hello. You're awake.

Um, this is awkward.

The thing is, I really don't like conflict,

but you made fun of my all-loving, all-forgiving God,

so I'm going to kill you.

Tent peg.

God.

You're still dreaming.

And then Jesus popped up on a piece of toast.

And then there was John

dressed in a giant rabbit costume

saying, "You're still dreaming."

What does that mean?

We've always been quite close, haven't we?

Yeah.

Well, until this is all over, just stay away from me.

I'm still dreaming, aren't I?

Yeah, you are.

Please stop staring at my penis.

It's disturbing.

Probably shouldn't have had that cheese.

Tonight on Friday Night, Saturday Morning,

Michael Palin and John Cleese will debate the film.

The Life of Brian...

You'll be all right.

You're quite good at public speaking.

Cup of tea.

I have faith in you.

Thanks, love.

The film The Life of Brian has just opened in London.

I have not seen it,

and I suppose I am unlikely to do so.

However, members will have seen the reviews

and will be aware that there is a great deal of concern

throughout the country about it.

For the immediate future,

it will be up to Christian people

and others who share this concern

to ensure that in this case, as in other cases

where it seems that a film has been made

which devalues humanity in their own areas,

the local viewing committee is alerted to the need

to see the film before it is publicly shown,

and having done so,

to take responsible decisions

as to whether and on what conditions it should be shown.

"Be sober, be vigilant,

"because thy adversary, the devil, is a roaring lion,

walketh about, seeking whom he may devour."

Christ is seen very definitely at the beginning.

Three wise men arrive...

I can rely on you, can't I, John?

John!

Sorry, miles away.

Wondering what I might have for dinner.

What do you think? Fish?

God, you're a difficult bastard.

Mike, don't say that.

Doesn't suit you.

You are the nicest man in the world.

And you're the most disrespectful, disagreeable,

objectionable, obnoxious,

and annoying man in the world.

That's right,

and I fought very hard for that title.

Wasn't easy to wrest it away from Michael Winner.

John, this is important.

Don't put so much pressure on yourself.

- It's only a chat show. - It's not though, is it?

This is about the future of comedy.

It might even be about the future of religion.

Well, I wish I believed we were that important,

Mike, but I don't.

Well, if we're not,

why are so many people protesting against us?

This must be Harry.

Try to be nice.

Of course.

Hi! Harry Balls.

Lovely to meet you, Harry.

Harry Balls! Jolly good!

Thanks for agreeing to come on the show.

Who can resist Harry Balls?

Everyone wants to see Harry Balls.

I have a-

- Can't think of anywhere we'd rather be.

Tell me, will we be seeing Mr. Dick?

Yes, he'll pop in.

Will he? Will he indeed?

Well, I'll look forward to that.

Right, shall we-

- Remind me.

Is Dick above Balls?

Hey!

Look who's here.

The sacrificial lamb.

It's M... monty Python!

Famous!

Don't be seduced.

So was Adolf Hitler and Aleister Crowley.

- Who? - What?

Michael, John.

Alan Dick, Head of BBC Talk.

So looking forward to seeing who's going to win this one.

Tim!

This is your host for the evening,

Tim Rice.

Hello, guys. Hi.

Wow, thanks so much for coming on the show.

Listen, obviously, my role is to be impartial.

But I just want to say,

I know exactly what you're going through.

When we did Jesus Christ Superstar in 1971,

it got accused of blasphemy.

Admittedly, I did co-write it with Beelzebub.

Now, of course, it's the height of respectability.

I tell you what...

I wouldn't mind having a hit musical.

That's got to be worth a few quid, eh?

If only I had an idea for one.

Well, you could always do what we did

and lovingly rip off a story that already exists.

So, John, will we be seeing any Basil Fawlty tonight?

Actually, Tim, if you don't mind,

I'd rather you directed most of your questions at Michael.

Oh, right. Okay, yes.

Fine by me.

- We're ready. - Okay.

See you in there.

Um, what?

Suddenly feel quite nervous for some reason.

What about me?

Well, it's all right for you, isn't it?

You draw confidence from your spirituality.

- Malcolm Muggeridge. - Good evening.

Good evening. Hello, hello.

Wow, that is one big motherfuckin' Bishop.

Ah, Bishop. Alan Dick.

Let me introduce you to your opponents.

John, Michael, this is a bishop.

Best of luck for the show.

Break a leg, as they say.

This is not the bishop I wanted.

Lain said he'd be better.

Who the fuck is lain?

Are you expecting vampires?

Come on, Joan.

You'll have to be funnier than that.

You pompous arse.

I'll take that crucifix, and garrote you with it.

Lovely cassock, Bishop.

Very flattering.

Thank you, Joan.

You're too kind.

Ready to go?

So remember,

the key points are we didn't kill Jesus.

That was the Jews.

Gonna get angry with anyone, blame the Jews.

Plus the MONTYPYTHONSCRAPBOOK available now

in all good bookshops.

How do we look?

- Good. - Fine.

Shit scared.

We should probably be going.

Okay, let's shake a leg, people.

Let's smash the arse off of it.

Cue titles.

♪ Friday night ♪

♪ Saturday morning ♪

♪ By yesterday's dawn ♪

♪ There's a weekend dawning ♪

♪ Friday night ♪

♪ Saturday morning at last ♪

Do you know what?

I actually find these opening credits quite offensive.

Yes.

As a woman.

- Yes. - Yes, I knew what you meant.

♪ Friday night ♪

♪ Saturday morning at last ♪

This is all a bit heterosexual, isn't it?

Yes, I rather like it.

Please welcome ⅓ of Monty Python,

Michael Palin and John Cleese.

Cracked.

BBC cutbacks.

So why the name Brian?

It's one the funny names, isn't it?

Like Trevor or Kevin.

It's just funny.

So you must have known you were heading for

some criticism and controversy,

A, because you were well-known,

and B, because, to put it mildly,

the subject matter is quite well known.

- Yes but we... - we wrote an awful lot

which was then just thrown away

because it was sort of

struggling too hard to be sort of controversial or-

- Well, actually, I don't know if I agree with that.

Because I don't know that we were coming in

with stuff about Christ.

And we all started writing around the edges.

All the people who arrived

five minutes after the miracle being done.

Come on, Tim.

No more Mr. Nicey-Ricey.

Poke them.

Prod them. Get a reaction.

Weren't you in some danger of splitting up?

Or at least there was some internal conflict?

Did the film in fact bring you closer together?

Yes, I mean, I think it did.

After the Grail, there was about a year

spent sort in the wilderness, as it were.

Also there was the stage where we hated each other.

We're ready for you now.

I never hated you.

If He calls, we must answer.

Whatever any of the others may say, I always liked you.

Good luck, God bless.

A-a-a-men.

Hymen!

What about your solo projects?

Are there going to be any more Ripping Yarns?

Any more Fawlty Towers?

There'll be no more Fawlty Towers, no.

Okay, in a moment, we'll be joined by two men

who don't usually review films.

So this is it, then.

In the red corner, organized religion,

the beliefs of billions, and if He exists, God.

In the blue corner,

some men who like to get naked

and talk about moose choreography.

Let battle commence.

We're joined now by Mervyn Stockwood,

the Bishop of Southwark,

and Malcolm Muggeridge.

What do you think's going to happen?

Who's going to win?

Well, obviously, I know already.

Don't tell me!

I hate it when you tell me how everything ends.

Well, let's just say...

- I'm not listening! - Not listening.

You've turned the beer into water, haven't you?

Christ! I wish you'd grow up.

Bishop, what was your review?

People have said to me,

"Bishop, you'll be horrified."

But I wasn't the vicar of the University Church for nothing.

I am familiar with undergraduate humor.

I'm also a governor of a mentally-deficient school.

Oh, I like this guy!

He's my kind of bishop!

Horrible.

It's the sort of thing, I'm sorry to say,

that at Cambridge,

the Footlights did on a damp Tuesday afternoon,

or the lower fourth when I was a schoolmaster.

- Strange. - That's not very constructive.

I thought this was supposed to be a constructive debate.

I wouldn't worry about it.

It's just a bit of banter, innit?

Why lampoon death?

I think this is the thing that really worried me.

I don't think you'd make a farce about Auschwitz.

Good!

Always good to play the Auschwitz card early.

Yeah, he won't have any trouble topping that later.

When I look at that figure,

I mean, I know you're going to say that Brian isn't Jesus,

but, I mean, that is just rubbish.

The whole thing is quite clear.

If Jesus hadn't lived,

that film would not have been produced.

- Come on, Tim! - Stir it up some more!

Call someone a shit bag.

Pull a face like a mong.

Kick the bishop.

Oh, dear God.

Could I just bring in Malcolm

and ask what your review is like?

Yes.

Um, remember that I was engaged for four years

in the appalling task of trying to make English people laugh

as editor of Punch.

It's almost an impossible thing to do.

But I couldn't help feeling enormous envy of the ease

with which this particular film aroused laughter.

You simply had to use a four-letter word

or display a man's private parts in the window,

and the place fell on the ground with laughter.

- What's wrong with that? - Swearing is funny.

Windows are funny.

My genitals are funny.

And that shot was beautifully framed.

Even the framing was funny.

Also, of course, I agree entirely with the Bishop.

It's quite humbug

to say that this is not a ridiculing

of the founder of the Christian religion

and of the Incarnation

in an extremely cheap and tenth-rate way.

Rummenigge! Two-nil!

Great stuff.

Malcolm's even better than the bishop.

Don't just believe because someone tells you to.

Someone in the pulpit says something,

question it, work it out yourself.

Are you seriously suggesting that someone who saw that film-

say a young kid who knew nothing

about the gospels or about history-

that the figure of Christ that would emerge from it

would be a noble one?

Well, it's not supposed to be about him,

so people shouldn't go and see it to learn about him.

Well, it's no good saying it's not about him.

I'm not being dishonest.

You're being utterly dishonest, my dear chap.

They're n-n-not letting the Pythons

h-h-have their s-s-s-say.

Mouth Nazi!

I am very confused and perturbed by a religion-

an established religion, in this country,

where people can go into church on a Sunday morning,

and the same people can sing hymns and say prayers,

and at the same time,

these people can stand by

while their money is spent making bombs,

making guns.

Building up appalling weapons of destruction-

they can sit by and-

- I would urge you not to make careless generalizations

which are not dependent on evidence.

L-I make them in all humility.

I think the Pythons are on the ropes here.

But I have observed people-

- Because what you're saying- if I may say so-

is a great load of sheer rubbish,

and you've made the most ridiculous generalizations

which are unworthy of an educated man.

This whole thing is wrong.

Wong and weally, weally repugnant.

Your lisp is getting worse.

It weally is.

If you made that film about Mohammed,

you see, there would be absolute hullabaloo in this country.

The racial, anti-racialist people

would rise up in their might.

The same people who approve of this

would have thought it quite disgraceful.

Behind people's minds would be the thought

that they might lose a bit of oil.

But you see the difference.

400 years ago.

We would have been burnt for this film.

Now I'm suggesting we've made an advance.

I've never seen Mike this angry.

This isn't good.

This great drama of the Incarnation,

you have reduced to a sort of comic film.

You don't make people open

by producing the sort of buffoonery

that you have produced.

You keep making the basic assumption

that we are ridiculing Christ and Christ's teaching,

and I say we are not.

Do you imagine that your scene, for instance,

of the Sermon on the Mount is not ridiculing

one of the most sublime utterances

that any human being has ever spoken on this earth?

Course it is.

- No. - Absolutely not.

No, it's making fun of the guy

who's remembered it wrong

and the people who've missed the point.

Christ is played by an actor-Ken Colley.

He speaks the words from the Sermon on the Mount.

He's treated absolutely respectfully.

The camera then pans away,

right to the back of the crowd,

to someone who shouts, "Speak up,"

because they cannot hear him.

Now if that utterly undermines my faith in Christ, then I-

- No, of course it doesn't undermine it.

Now, I started off by saying

that it is such a tenth-rate film,

I don't believe it would disturb anybody's faith-

- Yes, I know.

You started with an open mind. I realize that.

Palin's lost it!

Stay on Palin! Stay on Palin!

This is aw aw-awful.

They're behaving like total shits.

Shits!

Yes. It's not very Christian.

The question I put to you...

Could you really put your hand on your heart

and say that film is going to help the younger generation

in its pilgrimage for truth?

And the lampooning of Christ's death

is the most disgraceful part of the whole thing.

You have succeeded in reducing something

which has inspired the greatest art

into something which is presented

in terms of the lowest art.

That's your feat!

That's your achievement!

My face! My beautiful face!

' Oh. Yes!

I have just come in my pants.

You're not funny!

- Go on, Mike! - Give him what for!

Please don't.

Stay out of it, Rice!

This is gold!

Sit down or join in...

or fuck off!

Oh, I do love physical comedy.

What's going on?

I think we might be

in Michael Palin's fantasy sequence.

Oh, piss on me through a sieve!

Another fantasy sequence?

This is lame!

Gentlemen, I'm going to have to call a halt.

I think you've made people happy.

You've made people think and made them laugh.

Although you will get your 30 pieces of silver,

of that I'm quite sure.

That's ridiculously harsh.

Ow!

Fuck.

- R-really? - Yahtzee!

Krankl! It's all over!

Is that a BAFTA in my pocket?

No, I'm just pleased to see me,

and I've got a massive erection.

You're seeing it in those terms,

and it's utterly tragic.

Utterly tragic.

Gentlemen, thank you.

Now here's Paul Jones and his Blues Band

with Boom Boom, Out Go The Lights.

Shit! Shit! Shit!

Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!

Damn and blast it all to hell!

You okay, Mike?

Pissed off?

I can put you in touch with a very good therapist.

Mike, sorry.

Joke.

Couldn't resist. Sorry.

I understand why you're angry.

Of course I do.

- They didn't listen. - They didn't debate.

They just shouted us down and played to the gallery.

We took it seriously, and they took the piss.

I know.

And I thought you were going to be swaggering and offensive.

Yes, well, I was kidding about that.

Oh. Shame.

It might actually have been useful out there.

You've changed your tune.

They mauled us, John.

They tore us to shreds.

Come for a drink.

No.

- No? - No.

"No?" No!

Why?

Don't mock me, John, all right?

I'm not in the mood!

I do...

love you, M-Mike.

I know you.

You're Michael Palin.

Yes.

You been doing some more of your TV show, have you?

That Flying Circus one?

No.

No? Probably just as well.

It was very hit-and-miss, wasn't it?

That's the problem with sketch shows.

Very hit-and-miss.

So what were you doing then?

I've been on a debate.

Sorry, can we just go?

- Oh, yeah? - The Life of Brian thing, is it?

Mmm.

You want to know what I think?

I think that sounds pretty bloody offensive, actually.

I mean, I haven't seen it,

but I don't think people should have to see it.

- Do you know what? - I couldn't give a shit.

So just shut the fuck up, do your fucking job,

drive me home, and don't be a-

- I know you!

You're Michael Palin.

Yes.

You're my wife's favorite, you are.

She loves you.

Thank you.

It's nice to feel loved.

Hey.

Oh, come on!

What are you laughing at?

Oh, your faces, you idiots.

Look, you didn't come off badly out of it.

They did.

Hey! The champion!

Well done.

That couldn't have gone any better for us.

So where's Mike?

Gone home.

Why?

Bit miffed.

Bishop's Stortford!

That was aw-aw-aw...

Awe-inspiring?

Thank you, love.

Pretty good display, I thought,

seeing as we saw the film for the first time today, yeah?

And we missed the first 15 minutes.

Oh, I see.

So you missed the part of the film

where the wise men go to visit Brian,

thinking he's Jesus

then realize their mistake and go to visit Jesus?

Oh. Hmm.

Yes.

So you make it clear

that Brian isn't Jesus, hmm?

Yes.

Great show, guys!

Best piece of television I have ever seen.

Thought you'd be funnier.

But still, great to see Michael looking so angry.

Unmissable.

- Oh, well, there you go. - All's well.

I'm sorry to say this because I don't like conflict,

but I thought you behaved disgracefully.

You didn't represent us or our beliefs.

Have you seen the film?

No.

But rest assured,

we'll be going to the first screening in the morning

and making up our own minds.

You don't have to make up your own minds.

The Church has spoken for you.

I think we'll do what we think is right, thank you.

Good man.

Won't you join us for a drink?

- Oh, God, love. - You're squashing me.

Sorry, love.

What was that for?

You won.

Really?

- Absolutely. - You absolutely won.

But...

we were serious, and they did jokes and made fun of us.

Yes. It was weird.

But that's part of why you won.

It was good you took it seriously.

And they looked very silly.

Oh, Michael, it was awful.

Yes, Mum.

No, I mean they were awful.

What awful men.

They were complete bullies.

I can see what you meant, Michael.

You can criticize religion.

It's not all perfect.

Thanks, Mum.

Ooh, what a face though.

Yeah, thanks, Mum.

Glass of sherry?

"I am writing in my diary.

"The camera is tracking slowly towards me.

"I am thinking about summing things up

"because it will be the end credits soon.

"I look meaningfully out of the window for a moment.

"I suppose this particular episode is nearly at an end.

Nearly."

Hello, Michael.

Hello.

I'm sorry to say I'm not sure I believe in you any more.

Oh, well, I suppose that's the sort

of intellectual, fashionable thing of the moment, isn't it?

I hope you're not offended.

Oh, good lord, no.

God is love and so on.

So is it over now,

this conflict between religious institutions

and freedom of speech?

Um, no.

Oh, won't people get less offended by jokes at least?

Oh, no.

No. No, no, no, no, no.

No, you see, the trouble is, Michael-

and this doesn't apply to you, of course-

but a lot of people aren't very nice.

So what happens?

Well, where do I begin?

Satanic Verses,

Jerry Springer the Opera,

Danish cartoons,

South Park, Richard Dawkin-

None of this makes any sense to you whatsoever, does it?

Not really.

Probably form the basis of the ending

of some rather heavy-handed BBC Four drama.

Gosh!

Is there a BBC Four in the future?

BBC must be doing very well for itself.

No.

No, you couldn't be further from the truth.

I am dreaming this, aren't I?

- Yes. - You should stay off the cheese.

Yeah.

♪♪

Ow!

You know, I think we'd think twice about it now.

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