Original subtitles

No one will biopsy my mole,

so I need to upload myself so I don't die,

but even they require Proof of Existence,

which I don't want to get,

so instead, I have to become an exception by being famous.

- Hello? - Hi.

Hey, how are you?

Okay, so I have an idea

that I'm sure will make me an exception.

Do you wanna hear it?

- I'm in a meeting. - Okay.

A couple of years ago, during a really harsh winter,

a dolphin got stuck in a canal in South Brooklyn.

Uh-huh.

It got trapped and everyone could see it.

But the environmental laws meant to protect it

stated that no one could help it without the proper permit.

Long story short, it ended up dying.

And, well, I guess that's where this fun

family movie would end.

What do you think?

Hello? Hello?

Hello, are you there? Do you like it?

What do you think?

What about something about your story?

That's my story through metaphor.

No, babe, no metaphors.

Just big, sad speeches.

Call it... Gaytino.

Vanesja, Gaytinx.

Listen, do the credit card commercial,

get what you need out of it, and move on.

Okay.

Okay, yeah.

Okay.

Roll playback on beach.

And action.

Julio. Hi.

So imagine you're on the beach and you're happy.

On the beach and you're happy.

Jesus.

His mouth is so tense.

And it's like, you know, I don't get it.

Does he not love credit cards?

It's a safe and convenient way to earn miles.

I mean, that's the brief. It's not... okay.

Julio, can we get a smile?

Uh, yeah.

Okay.

Less teeth. Like, uh...

Okay, can you bring in the green tape?

Amazing. Thank you.

Hi again. Um, do you...

Perfect.

Yes. That. No, it's like, joy.

Julio, your eyes are so, so fantastic

and energized and expressive.

You know, we just wanna green screen something

that'll match that energy.

From the top.

You are on the beach and you are very happy.

Hold it a little higher.

Yes, great.

Like you're almost surprised.

Like money.

Stunning.

Great.

Incredible.

Many kind regards for this check in.

Yeah, hi, Pirulinpinpina.

I... ooh, wasn't expecting you to be slimy.

As manager of your socials, it is very important

communications goes backwards and forwards.

Okay, I wanted to talk to you about this post

that you made on my behalf.

To grow followers and increase wealth!

Sure.

It's a picture of me sleeping and it says,

"Let's get this mondais right."

It was posted Wednesday at 3:00 a.m.

OK! Apologies for incident! Can-do quick fix!

Okay, I guess I just don't understand

what the point of that picture is.

Did you just post this?

Yes, all correct this time. Pirulinpinpina!

"Many apologies for earlier mispost.

"A grave error on my part, as eyes were closed.

"Please forgive.

"Let's get this Monday right.

It's Friday, eight twenty too pm."

Pirulinpinpina, this doesn't sound like me at all.

Pirulinpinpina?

Kindly do not use TONE at me.

I'm not using tone with you.

Don't use tone with her.

I wasn't. I wasn't using tone.

- Jesus. - Is Lord.

Amen!

Vanesja, are you sure this is gonna make me

an exception to Proof?

I'm not sure about this,

but I have high hopes for the commercial.

Hold on.

Another client needs me.

Hello, my dark star.

I have some big, bad news.

The poster for "Cunty Little Rich Kids" came out.

They went with the picture you don't like,

and the airline mishandled your luggage,

so you'll have to wear something of mine.

Oh.

Wow.

Red suits you.

Yeah, everything suits me.

Dustin, what's going on in that little head of yours?

I don't know.

Share.

I just feel like the world is so fucked up.

I've been on this show for, like, 15 fucking seasons

and, yeah, I make a shit-ton of money, right?

And I've got a house in Bali, PlayStation.

It all kicks ass.

But like, for what?

You want another PlayStation?

Yeah, if we could get that going, that'd be... no, no, no.

Damn it.

I took the subway yesterday.

Dustin, why?

'Cause I don't wanna be in a car.

I wanna be out in the world.

I wanna be living and experiencing.

Anyway, the train was, like, super delayed,

and I started talking to this homeless man.

I said, hey, what's your name?

I'm Dustin.

And he said he had to take a shit,

and he said he couldn't, and I asked him why.

And he told me that he'd have to exit the station

in order to do that.

And re-entering, he'd have to pay money, and he can't.

And, like, in that moment, I like,

went into my, like, empathic trance.

And so I was just in his shoes...

Seeing his perspective.

It was like...

You know. And, like, I saw it.

I saw it from his point of view.

The world's not fucking fair.

And that's just one dude.

There's so many like him.

And what am I doing?

I should help.

'Cause why else... why else am I an artist

if not to make the world a better place?

We can use this.

We can do an interview

with "Teen Vogue."

"Teen Vogue." I'm fucking 39 years old!

The fuck.

Don't share that.

You don't even get it.

You're just a suit.

Big, corporate, powerful suit lady.

You don't care about the problems of people.

The next L train will arrive in 178 minutes.

Fuck my life.

I hate New York.

- Oh, my God. - What?

It's my roommate. Don't look.

Oh, like, one of the little ones?

Yeah.

Vibes bad?

Oh, my God.

I didn't tell you what happened.

Mm-mm.

Okay, so at first,

things were pretty chill, right?

Yeah.

When she moved in, she said she had some cousins

that were gonna come.

Not cousins.

Nothing's ever good when they bring cousins.

- And could they stay with us? - Ew.

They're really nice! You'll love them!

And I was like, yeah, okay, whatever.

I mean, you're so tiny. Who cares, right?

Right.

So they come, and there's like nine of them.

Again, no big deal.

Right, 'cause they're so small.

Right. And I don't know, I figured

they're gonna go see the Statue of Liberty,

- be out and about, whatever. - Sure.

But then one night they're like, hey,

what should we do tomorrow?

And I'm like, have you ever been to the Met?

And they're like...

Kindly suggest something else. That is against religion.

Wait, what?

I don't know, they're like,

strangely Christian, like, evangelist.

I don't know, whatever.

It's annoying, but I figure they'll go soon.

Oh, also, they're obsessed with pizza?

What, do they, like, eat your pizza?

Not like that, no.

It's like I bring pizza home,

and they run out with little cameras

and take pictures of the pizza.

Pizza! Pizza!

Oh my god, pizza!!

Pizza! Yay pizza!!

Take a picture! Pizza!

That's horrifying.

Anyway, later,

Pirulinpinpina's like, hey, can they move in?

- No. - Yeah.

She's so freaking tacky.

And I'm like, what? Right?

And she's like...

But your rent will go down!

We take up no space!

So I'm kind of like, yeah, okay, whatever.

But what I didn't know is that they, uh, multiply.

Do they, like, reproduce?

It's not a sex thing.

It's just like, more of them arrive.

So anyway, now there's, like, 50 of them.

- 50? - Yeah.

There's 50?

Faster! Faster!

Hoorayyyy!!!

Weeeeeee!

Take us into the living room!!

And some of them are gay.

Living for that.

Yeah, it's, like, impossible to get on Grindr

because the whole grid is little ones.

Anyway, one night I'm doing my go-go shift at Metro.

And I see the cutie from the gym.

Ooh, the one with the big lips?

- Mm-hmm. - He's cute.

Mm-hmm. And I'm making eyes at him.

He's making eyes at me. We're, like, vibing, right?

Mm-hmm.

So I invite him home.

Can I get you anything?

I'm starving.

We should have grabbed some pizza.

Pizza?

Pizza! Pizza!

Who are these?

These are the little ones. They're my roommates.

Uh, they're from Wisconsin.

They love pizza.

Pizza?

Guys, come on. I got company.

- TV! - Oh, shit.

You guys watch "True Women of New York"?

Guys, come on.

So at this point, we're having, like, a little party,

like drinks, whatever.

So I decided to take this time to go and douche.

- Douche for that guy? - Yeah.

Okay, not the vibes I was getting, but work.

So anyway, I'm in the bathroom for a while,

and the party's still going on outside, so it's no big deal.

But then I hear the party stop, so I go outside.

Diego?

Diego?

Oh, I see.

Mm. Pizza.

I walk into the master bedroom.

Diego?

Were they, like...

Hey.

I don't even wanna tell you, but he's like, come here.

What did you say?

I'm good.

I'm gonna be in the living room.

Call them out on their bullshit.

Yeah, okay. You're right.

Did you say, hey, don't fuck the guys I bring home?

Yeah.

So what did you say?

Pizza, pizza.

Pizza! Pizza!

No. No.

But we haven't seen pizza in weeks! Please???

Look, I feel like some of you think

that because we share a space

that maybe I'm down to share everything.

And I guess normally that's true.

It's just that I... I don't know.

It hurts my feelings to feel so invisible among you sometimes.

And I don't want the vibe to be toxic.

And, you know, I don't want you guys to feel like

it isn't your safe space,

because it's also my safe space,

and I wanna be able to share, but I can't share everything.

I don't know. I hope that makes sense.

Are we good?

Babe.

Wait, did you guys get tickets?

Can I still get some?

I'll ask them to list you.

Oh, Jesus.

Hey.

Hey, man.

Hey.

Yeah, I know. Let's take a cab.

- Come on. - Bye, Diego.

Next up, Gina and Bibo.

And you'll do a scene from "Marriage Story."

"Marriage Story," yes.

- Could I get a minute? - Yeah, take your time.

Okay.

Your hair is fine, Gina.

You always hated me.

That's not true, dot, dot, dot.

That was never true, dot.

What are you talking about, question mark.

You are my wife, dot.

Okay, let's stop.

I'm sorry, did you have a note?

Um.

What's the feedback?

I just see robot.

I see a robot pretending to love this woman.

And because you are giving nothing but robot,

you are forcing her to overact.

Is everything okay?

- See you later, Bibo. - Bibo.

Bibo.

Do you know about the dress?

The 2017 viral image featuring a dress

that was blue and black to some,

- white and gold to others. - Yes.

The dress isn't one thing and then another thing.

The dress can be more than one thing at once.

You can be a robot and an actor.

Maybe just use your robotness to be...

an actor.

It's grown. It's definitely grown.

I bet WebMD is gonna be really comforting.

Oh, what is this?

Oh, good, good, good, good, good.

I bet I'm gonna have this online doctor's

undivided attention.

What is it?

Fuck.

Um, it looks fine.

Hey, lady, you can't be doing that here.

Get up. Come on.

- Gotta get up. - No.

Fuck.

I pressed the wrong thing.

Whatever. It's just a biopsy.

Oh, Jesus, a scalpel. Okay, it's gonna hurt.

Please, I'm working on getting an exception for Proof,

but I don't know that I have a lot of time.

My doctor's actually worried, and he ordered a biopsy.

Well, not the doctor, but the person on the app

who I think are technically doctors, and I, um...

What's that sound?

What's this?

This shipwreck on a reef encrusted with little oysters?

It's missing an oyster.

Yeah, it's an old family heirloom.

Priceless, but worthless without that missing piece.

I think I know where it is.

If I bring it to you, do you think you could upload me?

We could pay off Dad's bills with that money.

- All of them? - Yeah.

Fine.

You bring the oyster, you don't need the Proof.

Great. How hard can it be?

To find a tiny mini...

Tabitha, those books are forbidden.

- Hey, slut. - Not this green wig.

It's not a wig. It's natural.

I'm dead. You're an icon and I love you.

Mwah, mwah.

Meet my friends. Meet my friends.

It's Tyler, Ryan, Ryan, and Jason.

Do you want a drink, babe?

Yeah. You know what I like.

Okey dokey.

Unlock the power of natural...

Ugh, someone made a fake profile of me again.

Well, that's how you know that you've made it.

That happens to me all the time.

Oh, are you, like, an actor or something?

I'm like an actor, yeah.

Yeah, Trish is a whole thing.

What have you been in?

"That Time We Were There" on Amazon,

"Summer's Only Once a Year" on Netflix,

"The Tooth Fairy" remake on Zappos.

- Lots of stuff. - I'll have to check it out.

Hi, Emily. Luis here.

Here's the fan art you commissioned.

Always available if you want more.

Thanks, Luis.

Kindly, Emily, manager and publicist for Trish.

Trish's number one fan here.

Check out this piece I made in honor of my muse.

And I admire that because it's a lifestyle.

Wow.

Always so surprised and honored by my fans.

My life is so crazy.

I can't believe I inspire real fans unprompted

to make fan art of me.

Oh, my God, Trish, the thing you just reposted.

Let me see.

"The Glenda we all deserve."

Shots fired.

- Who made that? - @TrishFanboy.

Trish is so famous, she has fan accounts.

Well, diamonds are a girl's best friend.

Yeah, if they're real.

She's so stupid.

Yeah, she's stupid.

Ugh, I wanna go there.

That's my dream place.

I've been there.

- Gay icon. - Gagging for my queen.

Slay.

Oh, my God, Trish is so iconic.

Honey, the queen has arrived.

Hey, @TrishFanboy, this is Luis.

I was commissioned by Trish's team

to make this art for a charity.

Please tag me whenever you repost.

Thanks.

Hi, Luis, Emily again.

You are not allowed to promote your services

using the work we commissioned from you.

Those were for charity.

Unfortunately, we will not be able

to compensate you for this piece.

I can't think about this right now.

I've got a lunch tomorrow with some of the city's

biggest movers and shakers.

Last night I was thinking...

What charity?

They're only posted by some random fan account.

Wait, is she the fan account?

To eavesdrop on personal, private conversation

between friends.

Wait, so she paid for her own fan art?

Yeah, and I have receipts.

Bitch.

Oh, my God.

OMG, Trish, you missed it.

Rewind for Trish.

Hey, rewind it.

Derrick, it's live.

You can keep blocking me,

but I'll just keep making new accounts.

Have you guys ever had an online stalker?

Is someone stalking you?

Oh, no, not me. I'm helping a friend out.

He has this, like, crazy guy that

keeps making fake accounts.

Some homophobic psycho.

That's so nice of you to help him out.

I mean, he could just make his account private.

No, he wants to be seen.

How do you get them to stop making new accounts?

I don't think you can.

It's so toxic.

Wait, is she blocking people now?

Hey, Luis, DM me.

I knew it. This girl isn't even famous.

Is she serious?

This is actually...

Hey, Derrick, can I talk to you for a second?

Sure.

BRB.

Let me know what happens.

You okay? What's up?

I need you to help me block someone, like, permanently.

This is for your friend?

Yeah, I need you to ask Jeremy.

- Jeremy? - Your fucking boyfriend?

- He works at Facebook now. - Uh-huh.

I need him to block them. They keep making accounts.

I need to block them from, like,

their IP address or something. I don't fucking know.

What is this about?

- I'm this. - Uh-huh.

No, listen, I'm the fan account.

- You drew this? - No.

- My manager commissioned it. - Why?

She fucked up.

She found this guy on I don't know where

to make a fan art of me for the fan account.

So this fan account is run by you?

Everyone does it. Everyone does.

I'm iconic. Look at me. I'm a whole thing.

But this is not a real fan.

But the art inspires a lot of people.

To make art of you?

Yes, but now the artist is telling people.

Now people know.

But not if we permanently block him.

- Who made this? - Some kid.

I don't know. Emily found him.

- Emily? - My fucking manager.

She keeps doing this.

She's obsessed.

She wants to "Single White Female" me.

Emily what?

What if all the gays turn on me?

- Emily what? - What?

What is your manager's last name?

Oh. Trish.

And the Red Nose Day issue?

The GoFundMe for that kid?

I knew it. I fucking knew it.

No one is posting fake photos of you.

No one's catfishing as you.

Baby, are you on crack?

What is wrong with you? You're not famous.

You're paying people to make fan art of you.

I'm dead. I'm literally freaking dead.

I'm iconic.

I'm... I'm iconic.

Iconic.

Everyone's obsessed with me.

Everyone's obsessed because I'm iconic.

Thanks.

The next L train will arrive in 248 minutes.

Hey, I'm worried about Derrick's drinking.

He was really sloppy when I left.

He could have really hurt himself.

Martine.

Martine!

Oh, my God.

God, you didn't hear me?

I was just calling your name, like, three times.

What... gosh. Oh.

Are you still in performance?

What was it? Um... Vanessa, right?

Vanesja with a J. Like the hotels.

Sure. Right. Gosh.

You took my course years ago.

You know, I was so riveted when I heard

you were so committed to your thesis.

But some people are like, oh, yeah, no, I don't think

she's in performance anymore.

I think she's genuinely an agent.

But that's not true, is it?

Huh.

You're not prolonging your performance piece

'cause you're scared of graduating with an arts degree

and not having money or insurance

or qualifying for Proof of Existence, right?

I mean, you're not having your cake

and eating it too, are you?

- I have to go. - Sure.

Yeah, I have a very important cli... client.

- Client. - Waiting.

Sure.

Very nice.

You know, Vanesja, like the hotels,

the job of the artist is to make people

see things in a different way.

How does this performance change anything?

Just something for you to go home and munch on.

All right?

I'm not gonna wait for the bus anymore.

I think I'm gonna walk.

You can't even walk in those shoes, can you?

You're weak. You're weak.

Excuse me.

I should help.

Why else am I an artist

if not to make the world a better place?

Hey, babe?

Hey. Hi.

Sorry, I'm... I'm sort of in the middle of something.

I... I finally got a biopsy,

and the, uh, the... the doctor seems kind of worried.

Aw, listen, I think we're gonna have to find

another way to get you an exception.

Wait, why?

Well, it's just, you look amazing in the photo,

but, um...

it's just not your face.

So I think our only option now is to pitch Zappos

that idea of yours.

You know, the how I...

No, no. There is no way.

I will not be selling out. Thank you.

Hello.

I hear you have an idea for a show for us.

I do, and I am very excited

to be sharing it with you today.

Okay, so remakes are very in right now, right?

Right, right, right. Okay, give it to me.

Feed me. Feed Susana.

Okay, so how about a remake of "The Lion King"?

Uh, this remake stars a zebra, just, like, a random zebra

that otherwise would be considered

an extra in the movie.

But this zebra is like, wait, why are lions our leaders?

Who elected them the leaders?

Why do we have to bow down to them and get eaten by them?

So then the zebra leads the revolution,

but then the zebra does end up getting eaten.

But as the zebra lays dying, looking up into the heavens

with, like, maybe, like, the sun reflected on his eye

and thinking, well, you know, at least I tried.

Ugh! Cut the bullshit.

- Hmm? - Huh?

Cut the bullshit.

You know what we want, and we know what you want.

You need a little piece of paper that says you don't need

another little piece of paper.

If you don't sell a show,

you don't get exception from Proof of Existence,

and you don't get to upload yourself.

That's right.

I got your medical records.

Zappos level intel.

I know you're expecting bad news, and selling a show

is the only way to become incorporeal,

given that your little oyster is at the bottom of the sea.

So let's quit playing games, huh?

Grow up. Give us what we want.

Give us your trauma.

Give it to us funny.

Give it to us en espanol, por favor.

Okay, well, I do have an idea in case of emergency.

Mm-hmm. Yes?

I was hoping I would never have to use.

Mm-hmm. Say it.

It's a script titled...

Well, say it.

That's a show.

Okay.