Original subtitles

ELEGANT CLASSICAL MUSIC

LADY DASHWOOD: "Greetings, Lord Winchester.

"It was our great and warm pleasure to receive you

"at our grand ball this summer.

"And please forgive me if my fascinations have overcome

"my better wisdoms, but I felt for a moment I saw the briefest

"flash of affection in your eyes as our hands met upon our introduction.

"I know our stations are not equal in social stature,

"but I must know if in your heart you too sense

"the first green shoots of love.

"Yours forever hopefully, Lady Rose Dashwood."

LORD WINCHESTER READS: "Same, send nudes."

SHE SIGHS DEEPLY

MUSIC: Mashup the Dance By Major Lazer

Me n'affi ask weh dem put up dem hands for

Step inna yuh face, we a gangsta

Mek dem know to no bwoy we nuh answer

Badder than cancer, the freelancer

Big up every woman and salute every man, sah

Never impact, Major Blazer 21, watch ya

Rumble in di jungle, step to dis, you're sure to crumble

Try walk straight and try nuh stumble

Try hold yuh mouth and try be humble

Shawty, walk in, dance mashup.

THUMPING MUSIC PLAYS

MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY

Hey, Sam, look.

She's on to you, blud.

Bruv, go move to her, bruv.

THEY GIGGLE

Go on!

MUSIC: Brown Skin Girl By Chris Brown

Well, mi waa send out dis one to di man name Chris Brown

Get all a di gal dem from his home town to outta town

Yeah, ha-ha!

Seh wah, so mi waa see lighters in di air...

You finished with that?

What? You finished with that?

Um... You finished with that?

That. You finished?

You finished? You finished?

Am I f...? You finished?

You done? It's over? Is it over?

You finished? Are you all right? Can I have some?

Ugh.

Got any more?

No.

Don't think this is going to work, you know?

No, because this always happens to me. Don't touch me.

I'm going to cry, I'm going to cry.

So?

Just wanted different things, innit?

MUSIC: Express Yourself By Diplo

Spread your legs, and make it clap, clap, clap, clap

Spread your legs and clap!

Bo! Oh, it was so funny.

THEY LAUGH

So, Jacob, how long have you been having a relationship

with my beautiful niece?

It's been about a year now.

Wow. A year!

Er, I think I can hear...

Ding dong, the bells are going to chime.

Wedding bells!

Auntie, please. We're just taking our time.

Oh, we understand. Mm.

Modern relationships these days are very different.

Yes, you know, swipe left, swipe right,

like it.

Bala, can you check on the jollof for me, please?

Yes, auntie.

Thank you, darling. Yes, good girl. Good girl.

Taking your time? Taking your time?

What's this?

Taking your time?

With my niece? With her niece?

Hmm?

How about I take my time cutting out your wandering, sinful,

unmarried eyes?

And your balls. Yes!

And also your balls.

I... "I-I-I-I..."

You can't be serious?

Show her how serious we are!

HE GASPS

Look well. I said, look well!

Listen to me.

I think it's about time you made an honest woman

of my niece.

You have one week.

Punk ass bitch nigga!

DOOR CREAKS

Oh, Bala, listen, be careful.

Broken glass. Jacob had a little accident with the bottle.

Such clumsiness, eh?

So clumsy. I fell.

I fell. He fell.

You all right, babe?

Yeah.

Er, babe, you see on Saturday, do you want to do something?

Just the two of us?

Aw.

So romantic.

Young love!

This one is a keeper.

And I don't want the world to see me...

RADIO: We interrupt tonight's broadcast

for some breaking news.

There has been a zombie outbreak in the Greater London area.

Victims are said to turn extremely violent and dangerous.

However, only those of African and Caribbean descent

seem to be affected.

Phew!

When everything's made to be broken...

SHE SCREAMS

NEW RADIO STATION: What are you saying out there, London?

I don't care if you're at a wedding or home alone,

it's time for the electric slide!

It's like candy

I can feel it when you walk

Even when you talk

It takes over me

You're so tender...

I want to know can you feel it, too?

I can't do it.

No, seriously, I just can't do this.

This stuff is starting now

It's the same feeling

I always seem to get around you.

Steve, no!

White people should never attempt the electric slide!

MUSIC: Gimme Likkle One Drop by Tarrus Riley

Hey, DJ, can you play that song?

Set the mood for me

To hold a different energy.

Hey, boy.

Who you a look pon?

You deaf?

Hey?

Ah, you won't talk to me, so what you a look pon?

You look pon my Leslie?

You not have no manners, man? That's my fiancee!

Leslie, you know this man?

W-W-What can he do that I can't do? I can do this.

This is easy. Look pon it. Look!

You see...?

Easy, man.

Hey?

I can do it, man.

Just give me one more chance, Leslie.

Oh, yes!

Me baby!

All right, come, we can put your ring on later.

Oh!

Yeah, you dickhead.

You didn't think you can take my woman away from me, huh?

Huh?

You nuh need the change, anyway.

You're shit, man!

You sure?

You finished with that?

You finished? You finished?

Can I have it? Thanks.

It's bare bitter.

I think I saw a talking snake.

I'm going to go grill it.

Later.

And now, on Fantastic Egusi Music Televisuals,

a bonus exclusive.

International movie filming superstar,

Babatunde Warrington,

is now an international musical recording artist.

Here is his new single, H'AfterParty.

It's three in the morning

The club's closing down

But, Babatunde's honey watch the girls come around

H'after the club is the h'after party

H'after the club is the h'after party

The girls come round and we have to party

Babatunde Warrington's h'after party...

Hey, Funke, where you at, girl?

Adeola, come to this h'after party!

Hey, Fumi, bring all your friends.

I mean, all your friends who are girls.

We've got the rum, we've got the food,

we've got the lube.

H'after the club is the h'after party

H'after the club is the h'after party

The girls come round and we have to party

Babatunde Warrington's h'after party...

Hey, Funke where the fuck you at, girl?

Adeola, I said come to my h'after party!

Fumi, where you and all of your girlfriends?

Shit!

Know what, Babatunde says fuck those girls

We don't need that noise

My h'after party's still lit

Cos I got my boys...

It's time to wrestle! Pull his meat!

Measure our dicks!

Play catch the goat! This way, goat!

Adeola, come to my h'after party, man!

Some weird shit is going down!

It's starting to smell really bad in here, guys.

I don't like this h'after party any more.

Funke!

GOAT BLEATS

GOAT BLEATS

Shut up, goat.

SCREAMING

WHY?

WHY?

WHY?

SHE SCREAMS

Jessica, we've been through this.

DTMHB.

Don't touch my hair...

..bitch.

You're bleeding on the floor!

I'm going to have to talk to HR about that.

This is all wrong.

I shouldn't be here.

You have stolen my dreams and my childhood with your empty words.

I am of course talking about the number one threat

to our ecosystem.

Gentrification.

Homes are being destroyed.

Families are being destroyed -

and Peckham is being filled with wankers.

You got rid of my local Morley's.

You got rid of my local Morley's

and built a board game bistro.

We don't want your electro-funk nights.

We don't want your funny pirate beards

and your vintage clothes shops.

They smell.

We don't want your chai lattes

and your gluten-free cakes.

Gentrification is killing the ends.

You should be ashamed of yourselves.

Ashamed!

Although...

..I really like that cereal cafe in Shoreditch.

That place is fucking bangin'.

Thank you.

Lady Dashwood, it has been many weeks now

since I last received word from you.

I fear I may have been too forthcoming

in my request for nudes.

I'm not like the other gentlemen out there.

I'm just as intrigued by your mind

as I am the nudes I had previously requested.

If you do send nudes, then that is splendid -

but also, if I am to receive no nudes,

then that is also satisfactory.

Honestly, it is completely out of character for me

to request nudes from a lady.

It's just not my thing.

Can I have some more, please?!

Lord Winchester. What is it?

A letter from Lady Dashwood, sir.

Then bring it here, damn you.

TOGETHER: Oh!

Tis peak, my Lord! Straight up ankle in this establishment.

We must act quickly.

Draw a likeness of my dick and balls,

and we shall send to Lady Dashwood post-haste.

And make sure you give me ample girth.

Ladies like ample girth.

It would be an honour, sir.

Hey, man.

Like, there's a phenomenon in these movies where, like,

you get one guy who's white and one guy who's black,

and they just team up, man.

It's so rad!

They did it in Rocky and Die Hard

And the sequel for Die Hard

You know, where the hero's white, the friend is black

They did that shit in Men In Black

They did it in Django, did it in Predator

Did it in Seven and did it in many more

It started with The Defiant Ones

That's the blueprint

Gene Wilder and Richard Pryor tried it tonnes

It works!

They did it in Shawshank Redemption, Lethal Weapon

48 Hours, not to mention

Rush Hour franchise is a box office landslide

Buddy movies, buddy movies multiethnic buddy movies

They're all getting along

We're friends for real!

Buddy movies, buddy movies Mel Gibson made buddy movies

Then he dropped an N-bomb

Not cool!

Buddy movies, buddy movies multiethnic buddy movies

There's no hidden agenda

Just money.

Here you go.

Eat.

This is all we have left.

Are you finished with that?

Are you finished with that?

Are you finished with that?

Are you finished?

Are you finished?

Are you finished?

Are you done? Thanks.

This rice is bare bland.

Have you got anywhere I can charge my phone, bruv?

Goddamn you, man. That looks awful!

My phallus looks nothing like that.

Again! Yes, my lord.

Try it from this angle.

It will look bigger from here, over my shoulder.

Chop chop, man!

I'm trying to warm it up.

How's that?

Much improved, my lord.

Good.

This is an insult!

Oh, tis useless.

Maybe I should just send Lady Dashwood some flowers,

or buy her some land or something?

My God.

It's glorious.

Send it, immediately.

Yes, my lord.

Oh!

Look how it doth bend!

It doth bend!

Thank you so much. Thank you.

Tell the chef, actually. That was so nice.

Er, babe, I took you out here because there's something

I want to say.

There's something I need to say, actually.

OK.

What?

Actually, I don't need to do this.

Sorry.

Jacob?

Where are you going?

Yes, of course I'll marry you!

Ah, so sweet!

Such romanticism.

Now, listen, alien scum.

You will give me the code to the defence shield.

Or die.

A silly fool.

You are totally defenceless against us.

Put down your puny and ineffectual weapon.

Or you shall regret it.

Yeah, sorry, can we cut?

Oh, come on, dude, that was a great take

and you cut it.

What's the problem, man?

Yeah, look, can I just check?

What is this going to be again?

That's the CGI. The CGI alien goes in there.

OK, but is it, like, a Japanese alien,

or something?

No, he's not Japanese. He's a fish.

A sneaky, alien fish goes in there.

This all seems a little racist to me.

OK, so you want us to change the alien?

Yeah, I think we should definitely change the alien.

OK, we're changing the alien!

Now, listen, alien scum.

You will tell me the code to the defence shield.

Or die.

Foolish human.

I'm going to destroy you again,

but first I'm going to take all of your gold!

Yeah, no, sorry, this isn't right.

Can we cut?

Oh, what's the problem now?

Yeah, look, this isn't great either.

Oh, come on, dude!

We changed the alien and made entire rewrites of the script for you.

Yeah, but, in the script, instead of describing the character,

it just says "Jew" in brackets.

OK, let's change the alien.

Again.

Now, listen, alien scum.

You will give me the code to the defence shield.

Or die.

No worry, my bredren, it's me! Your good friend, Pom Pom!

Watch me do a little rhyme for you now, Rasta.

Check, check, yeah.

Check, check, yeah.

Fuck this!

Come back! Come back! Pom Pom's for the kids, man.

And all the merchandise!

Ooh!

Yeah!

Gyal me wann fi hold yuh

Put me arms right around ya

Gyal you give me the tightest hold me eva get...

Hyacinth, you all right? Yes, baby!

Leslie!

My sweet contactless.

Me the man you want.

Me come rescue you from this loveless marriage.

Busshole, are you mad?

Come here.

So.

So.

Let's sekkle this.

DJ!

Soundclash!

AIR HORN

Energy! Hey, we ready?

Done this pussy real quick.

Hey, boy, you're not ready

You're soft like a teddy

Coming I rip it up like confetti

Whip out me khakis stick it right inna she belly

Me came for one ting and that's my girl, Leslie

Nah, boy, on my girl Fi 'ave and to 'old

Me grab up her batty and she grab up me pole

Leslie, me love you like a truckload of gold

Leslie, if you leave me that gon' mash up my soul

Mm-hm, seems like me hit a nerve

Leslie wants a real man she nuh want a turd

She wants a strong back man she nuh want a turd

She wants a real champion not the absurd

Who you look pon? What you a look pon?

Who you look pon? What you a look pon?

Who you look pon? What you a look pon?

What you a look pon? What you a look pon?

One, two, three, rise me gun so you can hear me now

Looks like he nuh fit the criteria

Nervous and shaking like him have malaria

He's not Jamaican that boy's Nigerian!

He's Nigerian!

He's Nigerian!

He's Nigerian!

That boy Nigerian!

Leslie, don't try and come back.

Go on, you bomboclaat.

CHANTING

Who you look pon? What you a look pon?

Who you look pon? What you a look pon?

Who you look pon? What you a look pon?

Step inna yuh face, we a gangsta

Mek dem know to no bwoy we nuh answer

Step inna yuh face, we a gangsta

Mek dem know to no bwoy we nuh answer

Badder than cancer, the freelancer

Big up every woman and salute every man, sah

Never impact, Major Blazer, 21, watch 'ya

Rumble in di jungle step to dis, you're sure to crumble

Try walk straight and try nuh stumble

Try hold yuh mouth and try be humble

Shawty, walk in, dance mashup.

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