Original subtitles

- I'm engaged! - To who? - Ranesh! - Neens. - Nina!

I'd hate for there to be a chasm between us.

- Will you be my maid of honour? - Yeah!

You could be digging these up on the Isle of Wight.

You should apply.

I know that I say I need Evie, but I need you too.

I can see your testicles.

HE GASPS

Let's get fucked up!

Could you bring me drugs so I can make something fun happen?

- Drugs! Yeah! - I'm in a place called...

- Rothesay? - This is my old friend, Euan.

Hello, boy.

There's this lady called Dr Catherine Dunne and

she's looking for people to go to the Isle of Wight

and work with her, and I applied.

- Right. - Do you want to be my plus one?

Yeah.

Evie!

Oh, shit.

- Have you seen my ammonite? - Mm-mm.

Are you still feeling rough?

- Me? I'm literally never better. - Do you want to talk about Rothesay?

Rothesay was amazing.

You outdid yourself.

So fun! Just me and my girls!

I mean about the...the Euan thing.

What Euan thing?

You know, once this grease gets stuck in the grout, you're toast.

Evie, have you got cold feet?

No! I don't have cold feet.

Nina, my feet are warm.

They're hot.

Hot, hot, hot, like the fiery pits of hell.

I think it's clean.

Why don't we just tell him?

Nothing happened and nobody needs to know. So don't say anything.

- WHISPERS: - But I'm bad at keeping secrets.

I don't know what to do with my face.

Fine. Do nothing with your face.

No, don't smile! No emotion.

Just change the subject.

Do you remember when you got a D in food tech and you said,

"Nina, don't tell anybody that I got a D in food tech,"

and then mum asked me outright what your grade was in food tech

and then I panicked and I just started talking

about the history of the spatula in a weird old posh man voice?

I'm scared that that's going to happen again, Evie.

- This isn't food tech. It's my future. - Yes, I know. That's what makes it harder!

Nina, I'm getting married in three days.

Promise me, please, not a word to anyone.

NINA SIGHS

NINA GROANS QUIETLY

Was that a yes "urgh"? Or a no "urgh"?

That I'll try my best "urgh".

DOOR OPENS NEARBY

Come on now, Bo. Shoes off, please.

The girls are a socks-only household.

Oof, what did Rothesay do to you?

What's with all the milk?

Deal on at the shop, so Ranesh bought the lot.

Evie baby, make a sound, your boy got almond milk for a pound.

£1 milk, smooth as silk.

Yeah, £1 milk, smooth as silk.

- £1... - Yeah, babe!

Bo! Did you do this?

What? No. I had, like, one bowl, I definitely left some.

Some?

There's not a single puff in here, nae a puff, it's just dust!

Urgh!

Grow a pair of testicles and move back in with your witchy girlfriend!

- Ouch. - So, Neen-meister,

what's crack-a-lacking in the world of my fave sis?

I don't know if you've heard...

..the bees are back.

Nice, nice!

Oh, Evie said that she had the best time in Rothesay.

Top creds to you.

Mm, yes, indubitably. Jolly fantastic time was had

by all.

Who invited Shakespeare?

You know what they say...

..what happeneth in Rothesay, stayeth in Rothesay.

EVIE AND RANESH LAUGH

Why? What happened? Here are my beans.

- Spill! - Golf.

Golf, golf.

Hunners of golf.

- Amber got a hole in one. - Amber got a hole in one.

Amazing! Amazing, straight in that hole!

Ball...hole!

CLICKS HER TONGUE

LAUGHTER

I don't get the joke.

Well, I love to hear about a female triumph.

On that note, I'd better go to work.

Oh, and what is this I hear about your new fancy fella turning up?

Only right at the end.

We barely even saw him.

Mm-mm, like a ghost.

BLOWING BREATH

Anyway, Ranesh, you should get going.

Right you are, right you are. I've got to squeeze in

some transcendental meditation before Dad arrives.

- I'll see you both at dinner. - Can I give you a lift to work?

- No! - No!

She has new shoes that she's got to break in.

Ranesh, I have new shoes that I have to break in, cos I've got

fat feet and it rubs against the leather so I have to break them in.

- Oi, Yoda, what was that about? - What?

- Evie was being strange. - Evie's always strange.

Have you seen my ammonite?

Evie had it made into a necklace for me for my 18th birthday.

I had it round here somewhere. It looks like a shell.

- Pretty sure I've never seen that in my life. - Yes, you have.

- I have a job interview and I need it. - Why?

Because it is cold and it's smooth and it makes me feel safe.

Right, cos that won't look strange,

when you're fiddling with a sea shell in your interview.

Bo, if you're not going to help, go away!

I'll go away if you tell me why you two were being so weird.

Evie was like a guineapig on speed

and you were a solid 9.5 on the weird Nina scale.

Yes, Bo, and you were a solid ten million on the Bo is a dick scale!

Good one.

Go on, then! Did something happen in Rothesay?

Nothing occurred in Rothesay.

Everything is absolutely compos mentis.

So something did happen.

You go full House of Lords when you lie.

I emphatically do not.

Now please get out of my way, good sir, and I shall bid you adieu.

Why are you following me?

I'm coming with you. I have to know.

Did Mad Amber steal a baby?

Well done, Sherlock, you've solved it, you're a genius.

Shoes, shoes, shoes, shoes, shoes...

Nah, if Amber stole a baby, it'd have its own Instagram by now.

- Did Amber pull a stripper? - There are no strippers in Rothesay.

- Did you strip? - Go home, Bo.

Nah, that wouldn't explain the weird vibe with Ranesh.

Oh, fuck.

Evie pulled some random, didn't she?

Please stop talking!

Shit!

You can't tell anyone about this.

If you do, I'm going to invite Hilda to the wedding.

You don't need to threaten me.

This is the sort of shit you take to the grave.

I mean, I've had ingrown hairs that have been around longer than Ranesh,

but still, this is dark. Jesus, Nina, why did you have to tell me?

I didn't!

Your paper on the integument of Coelurosauria was very impressive.

Thank you. Erm, I cited you in my work.

- I saw. - With the Ankylosaurus and its armour,

- well, we know that the spines... - PHONE VIBRATES

..we know that the spines helped the dinosaur survive

but perhaps they served another function.

Well, that's what we're hoping to find out.

Yes, erm, I read your paper.

It's not why I brought it up it,

it-it-it's just that I really like textures.

And, erm, I have been

looking into a new species with iridescent feathers...

..and they're interesting because...

- ..it's interesting because... - PHONE CONTINUES TO VIBRATE

..you live your whole life in this...in this spectrum of colour

and then these humans come along

and-and they just simplify you down to not more than...

..than a lizard-like creature with scales

and-and I think that's...I think that's narrow-minded.

I think it's rude.

NOTIFICATION CHIMES

I completely agree.

Yeah.

Thank you for your time, Dr MacArthur.

I think that's all.

We are meeting a few more people but we'll be in touch.

Thank you.

And...and on a personal note, can I just say how brilliant it is

to get to talk to you and I really look...

..forward to hearing from you.

SUCKING IN BREATH

How was it?

I've seen a lot worse, to be fair.

- I've also seen a lot better. - Shit.

It was...it was more awkward than anything.

But they've got myself and Declan's recommendation,

so that's a big plus.

Oh, would you like a strawberry lace?

I keep them in my bag for emergencies.

No, thank you.

I mean, look, it wasn't a complete car crash. Not at all.

Shane, which one was it? Was it good or was it bad?

It was ground-breaking.

You are lying.

You said it was awkward.

Look, honestly, I-I have no criticisms.

They're development areas.

Smashed it...

..considering.

Are you sure I can't treat you to a strawberry lace?

- WHISPERS: - Why has he not replied?

Hmm.

I don't get it.

I don't get it. I don't get it!

I don't think she gets it, man.

I hope you break your other leg!

Harsh.

Sorry.

- Hey, how'd it go? - Bad.

Didn't help that you text me every two minutes.

Why did you have your phone out? That's not very professional.

- Shut up! - Right, here's the plan. It's just family dinner.

No Ranesh. Should be chill. Burying stuff's my speciality.

Let's avoid all things Rothesay.

We get through this together and then tomorrow, we Bill Murray it.

Put on backpacks and fight ghosts?

I was thinking more that we wake up, pretend this day never happened.

That's not the plot of Groundhog Day. The plot of Groundhog Day is

that he lives the same day over and over and over again

- and then uses that... - Why do you nit-pick everything?!

PHONE VIBRATES

Speak about being haunted!

Your usual table, madame and monsieur?

Christ.

Fawlty Towers again, Dad.

- Oh, hi, loves. - Hiya.

What is this?

I didn't realise Jason's son was allergic to gherkins.

- I hope you're hungry. WHISPERS: - Jason? - I don't know.

I've added a cheeky surprise to the lasagne.

Oh, it's bad enough with a top hat.

I hope he doesn't wear it to the wedding.

Ready salted crisps on top for added crunch.

I saw it in the Reader's Digest.

Did a non-crisper one too, though, in case I hump that one.

And a veggie one for Evie.

And a lactose-free one because your mother's been getting

a dicky tummy again when she has white sauce.

This lasagne actually looks banging.

- Just need another 45 minutes. - Oh, look!

Amber's just WhatsApped pics of us at the hen do.

Aw! It's lovely, innit?

Oh, we had such a great time at Rothesay.

- Mum, when's Evie getting here? - She's already here.

She's upstairs with Ranesh.

Ranesh is here? I thought he had transcendental meditation?

No, well, his dad's flight was delayed.

I think he just wants to try my crisp lasagne!

So, Evie and Ranesh are sorting the bunting, I think.

Ade, are they sorting the bunting? Yes, they're sorting the bunting.

Cross that off the list.

The bunting. Mm.

MUFFLED VOICES NEARBY

Oh, here they come!

HE COUGHS

Sorry, I need a slash.

Erm, just suddenly desperate, you know what it's like.

Right, what's next?

God, I've got to sort the drinks table

and the wedding decorations for the garden.

I can help with that! I-I like drinks and tables!

Anything labelled D needs to go to the drinks table.

Anything with a W is wedding decorations.

Let's stack these by the door, ready for setting up.

- Like this? - No, that's M for macrame.

That's one of your mother's new hobbies.

- You're looking for a W in a circle. - Circle, got it.

This is nice, eh? Just like old times,

all of us mucking in together.

Oh, you know me and boxes - can't get enough of them.

Hey, hey. Neens, do you have a mo for a word about something?

- No, I'm busy. - Oh. Can I help? - No, thank you. We've got it covered.

Of course you can, son. Many hands make light work.

Ooh, we should do a chain.

Bo gets a box, passes it to me and I pass it to Neens and so on.

One team, one dream!

That's a brilliant idea! Hey, hey,

they don't call him a strategy creator for nothing.

Well, actually, I'm a... Never mind.

Let me know if you see my cassette collection, will you?

It's labelled CC. I was sure I left it on the safe-keeping shelf

but it seems to have gone walkabout.

Oh, Dad, that's a very important thing.

I shall go and ask mother if she's seen them immediately.

No, wait! Erm, you've been rushing around all day. I'll go.

Oh, no, Bo, you stay here and stack boxes, you're so good at it.

Can you take that to your mum, Neena Bean?

- I don't know what she wants to do with it. - I'd be delighted. Ha!

Chain me, Bo-bo. Chain me!

These are your great-aunt's doilies.

I haven't seen these since your grandpa's funeral.

They're interesting.

Oh, she sent them for the wedding but they're totally hideous.

I tell you what, why don't we just put them

under the table for now, eh?

Now I've got you down as "Nina plus one".

- But you won't need that, will you? - No, I do need that. I invited Lee.

What? No, he can't come to the wedding.

- Why not? - Well, you've only known him for about two minutes.

- Oh, and how long have you known your fiance? - Oh, that's...

Has he confirmed?

No, not yet.

Erm, I've sent him the details but he's very busy with his coffee

- and whatnot. - Well, he'd better reply soon

because I need to know if he's allergic to gherkins or not!

Oh, Bo, darling, have you seen your daddy?

- Bonding with Ranesh. - Mm.

Hey, did the girls tell you about the, er...

..hen do shenanigans? Don't tell your dad.

We really let our hair down.

It's the same technique that I use for my ravioli, Nigella taught me.

So you roll it yourself?

Oh, Ranesh, what do you take me for?

I don't do shop-bought when it comes to pasta sheets.

Never. It's all about the wrist action.

You've got to be firm and fast.

Firm and fast? Huh!

Oh, hey, Neens.

Have you got a minute?

No, erm, I don't have any minutes.

I have to set the table for Dad's four lasagnes.

I've got many minutes, babe.

No. No, no, I need your sister.

It's just...I'd really like your opinion on something.

It's important.

Please?

OK.

Yeah? Great. Follow me.

So, the thing is,

Evie and I,

did she...tell you?

About the stuff with...

..our vows? You know we're writing our own?

So, I was sort of hoping that maybe I could run my vows over with you.

I just know that you'll be really honest.

So, er, is that OK?

- Sure, OK. - Great!

What's that?

Caught red-handed.

My kebab wrapper.

Here We Gyros is a great indulgence of mine.

But er, shh.

Let's keep that between us.

Shall we continue?

That writing's tiny.

It's more eco-friendly this way.

Oh.

All right, here I go, then.

Sorry, just erm...

- WHISPERS: - OK, you've got this.

Inhale your power.

HE INHALES DEEPLY

Evie MacArthur, the day we met, my life began.

After only a brief few weeks, our souls reached out to one another

and I knew our lives were to be entangled for ever.

Because, when you know, you know.

Whatever our souls are made of... Oh, no, sorry.

No, cut that. Bit co-dependent. Ick!

Er, where are we? Ah.

Most people...

..find me a bit intense.

I've never been able to trust my decisions when I fall in love.

I always worry that I'm too much

or trying too hard.

But with you, I don't have to overthink.

I can just be.

And I can't wait to share each messy moment of our lives together.

And with you, I know I'll never be left in the dark again.

I love you, Evie.

For as long as I'm here, I will love everything that you are.

Thank you for loving me.

Is it too much? It's too much, isn't it?

- I can always cut it. It's not... - No.

No, it's...it's...

..it's-it's great, it's good, it's lovely.

Oh, great.

Thank you.

After you.

Oh, you're too kind!

Evie?

We need to talk...

..about Ranesh.

I think you need to tell him about what happened.

Evie, he's all in.

Like, I mean all in.

I know you're all in for the wedding,

but he's not caring about the party or-or the photographs.

He cares about for ever and ever and growing old together.

Is that...is that what you care about, Evie?

What I want to know is, why my sister, the person I'm meant

to trust most in the world, went behind my back and blabbed?

- I didn't tell anybody. - Then why does Bo know?

- What? - You heard me.

Bo knows something.

- He's been off with everyone and he's stress-eating crisps. - No.

He...he was just asking me lots of questions and then he guessed.

I don't believe you.

You told him on purpose cos you're trying to sabotage my wedding.

Sabotage your wedding? Evie, this isn't some noughties rom-com.

You kissed a man less than 48 hours ago!

You can't just pretend it didn't happen,

like all the other bad things you've done.

- You have to deal with it. - There is nothing to deal with!

You're in denial, that's what this is.

You literally have no idea what you're talking about.

What Ranesh and I have is mature and it's deep and it's complex

and you just can't comprehend that

because you've never been in a real relationship.

Oh, poor autistic Nina, she doesn't understand how humans work.

What I understand is that you kissed another man

and you wrote that note in Rothesay because you don't want to get

married and you're too scared to say anything.

All my life I have bent over backwards to accommodate you.

We go to the zoo, but we can't see the penguins

because Nina's having a moment.

- It was a meltdown. - For 45 minutes!

And then when you're finally done kicking off,

the penguin feeding experience is done.

I didn't get to feed the baby penguins fish, Nina,

and they don't let people do that any more.

Any time you do something annoying,

I'm not allowed to say anything, I can't react.

And now I get my one big moment where it's all about me

for the first time in my life, and you won't let me have it!

It's not supposed to just be about you.

It's supposed to be about you and Ranesh.

It is! It's about both of us

starting a new life together without you clinging on!

NINA SNIFFS

What?

You always have.

You get to be blunt and interesting and I get to stand back,

smiling and apologising for you.

I'm sorry I'm such a burden.

I stayed here to look after you and now I'm trapped

and I'm suffocating because you don't let me breathe.

I'm done.

So just don't talk to me.

Just leave me alone, OK?

SHE SNIFFS

- Look at it, Ranesh. Look at it! - Mm, the aromas, it's incredible. - Yeah.

It's amazing.

- Oh, where are you going? - Going out.

What about my lasagnes?!

DOOR SLAMS

Does Lee live here?

- Yeah. - Aye.

BACKGROUND CHATTER

ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYS

Nina!

Hi.

What are you doing here?

I came to see you.

Oh, shit. I owe...I owe you a text.

Erm, I'm so bad at texting. I'm like an old man.

I'd lose my head if it wasn't...

But you're here, that's great!

How did you know where I lived?

You told me that you lived in the flat opposite

the chippie on Clover Street.

Wow! That's...great memory!

Can I get you a drink?

You asked me to give you the details of the wedding and I did.

You didn't reply.

And Evie and I had a fight and Shane said "eesh" after my interview

and...everything feels really bad.

And I just wanted to talk to you, but...

- WHISPERS: - ..you're having a party. - It's not my party.

I-I don't know half the people here.

But look, look, I, erm, I can start to, like, overthink and, erm,

I get quite, erm, overwhelmed, but erm,

- I'm so glad that you're here... - You're confusing me.

You're so confusing, and everything is so confusing all the time

and I just needed something to be straightforward.

- I shouldn't have come. - No, no, Nina. Nina, wait, wait, I...

No, please don't touch me, please.

# You should know I'm just like you

# Trying to cover up... #

SHE CRIES

- WHISPERS: - Breathe...breathe.

- # Oh, oh, oh... # - Pick up, pick up.

# Oh, oh, oh

# Oh, oh, oh... #

Hello. Hi, I'm sorry that I was a shit.

I need you to please come and get me.

# Oh... #

I don't want to be by myself.

Please.

# Oh, oh, oh

# Oh, oh, oh

SHE SOBS

# Oh, oh, oh. #

Oi, get in, Lurch.

- Thank you. - Shut it.

Here.

I found this by the TV.

ENGINE STARTS

So you had a good time, then?

# I could only ever be down

# Knowing that I love you so much that it hurts

# You'd never know. #