Original subtitles

- I'm engaged! - It's not amazing news and I'm not happy for you.

Evie, I'm deeply concerned.

What, did you think you were just going to become two old ladies

in that flat together?

People we love won't ever understand how hard it can be to do

these things but we do them anyway.

When you asked me to be your Maid of Honour, I was shook.

Ranesh's dad Sachin wants to meet the whole family.

She wants us all to put on a mask and pretend to be something

we're not to impress his dad.

We have put our personalities aside for you to impress this man.

Now, if I can do it, and I'm literally autistic,

then you can do it!

His glasses are really small.

Don't say anything.

Well, that was practically masonic.

I had a fight with my girlfriend.

I won't invite her to your big wedding.

What wedding?

Evie is my sister and she's a really great and thoughtful

and creative person.

And I need to know - why are your glasses so tiny!

I think they make me look more interesting than I am.

Well, son, congratulations are in order!

Do you want to go with me to get a...not hot beverage?

Erm...

..yeah. Yeah, OK!

Have you ever seen anything so magnificent?

Wow.

Pretty impressive fossil, eh?

Mm-hm.

It's stunning.

I knew you'd be furious if I opened it without you,

even on a Saturday morning.

You could be digging these up on the Isle of Wight.

You should apply. You're more than qualified.

I'll write you a reference.

Ah...

I have always wanted to be a footnote in a Dunne Paper.

If you're worried about me, I'll be fine.

It's not you I'm worried about.

I know you'll be fine.

It's Evie.

Is she not getting married?

I don't think signing a little bit of paper's going to change

all that much.

Before I got married,

I used to see the boys from my foraging club every weekend.

Now I just get the odd text at Christmas

and the occasional prostate update.

But I don't miss them because Gemma fills those spaces.

My sister's still going to need me.

Speak of the lovely devil!

40% of all unexpected bodies are found by dog-walkers.

We don't have a dog, so we walk each other.

Bye!

I found a dead cat in the park once.

That's cool.

Thanks for the pep talk!

97, 98, 99, 100 - ooh!

Oh.

- You should stretch to avoid injury! - Mm-mm.

Did you see that woman with her cat on the leash?

Yes.

It made me think about when Mum and Dad put you in the harness

at Universal Studios!

You kept trying to get behind all the rides to prove it wasn't real.

It's wrong to gaslight children with fake magic.

If it wasn't for you, I'd still believe in Santa.

14 was too old, Evie.

Will we still do this when you're married?

What else are we going to do?

Oh, erm, Ranesh stayed over last night.

I told you now so you can fix your face.

Evie, if he comes between me, you and Taylor Swift

being friends...

I will divorce him before that happens.

MUSIC: Grenade by Former Champ

Here we are.

Oh, that needs more sugar.

Ha...

You know this stuff has absolutely no nutritional value, don't you?

Our mother lived through the '90s on three bowls of Special K a day.

The cereal, not the drugs.

Neen-Dogg, I can source you a gut-friendly granola,

really cultivate your biome.

Hmm. I can see your testicles.

Oh, God, I'm so sorry!

You could not see his...

..bing bongs!

Prove it.

You're a nightmare!

- You used to do that to Bo all the time when we were kids. - Mm-hm.

What's the rush?

Big day.

It is a big day, isn't it?

- Yeah, it is. I have a date. - Dress fitting!

No, I have a date.

No, you have a dress fitting.

No, I don't have a dress fitting.

I know I don't have a dress fitting because I have a date

- because the dress fitting's on the 16th. - No, it's today.

No, it's the 16th. It says so on the calendar

and the calendar is king!

No, the designer cancelled the 16th.

She's fitting one of the Loose Women for a baby shower.

I explained all this on the group chat.

Oh...

I muted your group chat.

Nina!

Don't "Nina" me!

Amber kept posting selfies - and they're not that good -

and you all reply with flame emojis and "Yass queen!",

and the notifications are draining my battery.

Nina, you're my maid of honour -

you're supposed to be on top of this stuff!

Achhhh! I'm sorry.

Hey-ho! I'm back.

And I'm decent.

Yeah, you're decent.

- Rrrr! - Mm-hm...

Look, I know that changes in plans vex you, right,

but this appointment was really hard to come by.

Yes, and maybe my date was very hard to come by.

Well, I don't think your date's dressed Davina McCall.

You don't know. You don't know what he does. Maybe he did.

Just call and reschedule.

NINA GROANS

Who is it anyway?

It's the hot drink vendor from my work.

No!

Ooh, Nina's got a boyfriend!

No, Nina doesn't do relationships.

Well, maybe I do now.

Things change.

And I can't just call Lee because we're not at that stage

of our relationship, which is why I have to go on this date.

Oh, my gosh.

Is this a FIRST date?

- Yes. - Well, just text him, then.

Tell him you'll come after the dress fitting.

I can't meet him after the fitting because that'll make it

a night-time date, and men expect things on night-time dates that

I'm not willing to do with him yet.

I said I'd meet him at two. I'll just do both.

Nina, the fitting's at three.

Just move your thing to another day.

I'm sure your man-friend will understand.

NINA GROANS

And unmute my wedding chat!

Mehhh!

Our first date was a nooner, wasn't it?

Was it?

I don't think that means what you think it does, babe.

Oh... We talked for hours.

It was just so easy with you, just this instant connection.

- Hmm. - Mmm. - Hey, Neens?

If you do go on that date, don't do anything I wouldn't do, yeah?

Well, I'll come back engaged then, yeah?

Ooh!

Hmm...

I can do both.

I can do both.

I can do both. I'm a cool lady.

I'm going to do both.

Oh, sorry.

Nina! There was no signal in there.

- Ah... - Oh, I don't do hugs.

Oh.

And I don't do butt stuff!

Sorry, I-I... I don't know why I...

I mean, I don't.

I don't do...that.

B-b-but not as a... As a standard practice.

It's... It's just not come up.

Yet!

Sorry, that's... I don't know, erm, why I'm...

And I shouldn't...

Shall we?

INDISTINCT CHATTER

Can I get you something else to drink?

Anything from the lunch menu?

Oh, no, thank you.

And yourself?

Eh, I'll have a...

- AFFECTS POSH ENGLISH ACCENT: - ..negroni...

..sbagliato...

..with prosecco in it.

HE CHUCKLES

From that viral clip?

No, just, erm...

Just another one of these.

Yeah.

Oh, no...

When Evie drinks prosecco, she does problematic football chants.

Poor Evie.

Did you, erm, hear about the craziness at the museum yesterday?

A skateboarder tried to do a trick off the stairs at the entrance

and fell.

His bone was sticking right out of his leg.

I'm surprised you weren't down there taking samples.

Oh, we haven't displayed any human remains in the museum

since 1999.

We did have this Iron Age skull, but it turned out to be a counterfeit.

It was a man from Edinburgh whose grave had been robbed.

His children sued the museum

and that's why we can't afford a CT scanner,

but I don't see what the big deal is because, you know,

death is death.

Oh.

NINA SLURPS DRINK

I dunno.

I think I'd be...a little bit traumatised

if I saw my grandad's head in the Natural History Museum.

Oh, you wouldn't know it was him.

All the flesh is gone - it's just the skull.

Unless you've got a degree in forensic anthropology

and facial reconstruction?

Not one of my many side hustles, no.

Do you watch football?

- No. - Right.

Do you?

Not religiously, but I'm a Raith Rovers fan.

They're shite but I love them.

If your football team is shite,

then why don't you choose a better football team?

HE SIGHS

- AFFECTS YORKSHIRE ACCENT: - One does not simply choose a better team.

I get that one. That's Lord of the Rings.

Bor... Oh!

NINA GASPS

Oh, sorry! Ah...

- Sorry. Do you want me to... - No!

No, OK, yeah.

- No, it's fine. I'll be back. - I... Honestly, I can...

Mm-mm. Yeah, OK...

It's just because I've not...

Glasses.

Erm...

Why isn't this easy?

Come on, Nina.

- WOMAN: - Come on, Nina!

Oh, no...

No!

You know, if it's hurting you shouldn't force it.

That's how you get piles.

I'm not shitting. I'm stuck in the toilet.

That happened to my cousin once.

She sued the airline.

Not in the bowl - in the cubicle.

Oh.

- You need to go get Lee. - Who's Lee?

Erm, he's got blue eyes and he's wearing a stripy shirt

and he's got this, like, jocular but still handsome face?

Come on, come on, come on, come on.

Come on.

I can't see anyone that looks jocular and handsome.

He's got a shit mullet.

Ah!

Excuse me.

Your friend's stuck in the toilet.

Not, like, IN -

in the toilet.

- Right. - Just in the toilet.

So...

Oh, OK.

SPLASHING

Oh, fuck!

Oh...think!

Think, Nina, think!

Urgh!

Hello!

SHE SIGHS

Hiya.

You OK?

No.

I'm stuck and I broke the lock.

Nina...

..Step back from the door.

SHE SIGHS

Oh!

Ow...

Thanks.

When I tell people how I saved your life

I'm gonna edit out the "ouch" bit.

Can you also edit out the bit where it looks like

I've waded in a toilet bowl?

No. See, it's, erm...

It's a story about how cool and heroic I am, so I'm...

I'm probably gonna keep the pissy leg in.

- Nina? - What?

You're a WAP.

What?

- A wet-ass palaeontologist. - HE LAUGHS

Shut up.

Why don't we, erm, start this thing over, eh?

I think we both came in a bit too weird.

I really wish I could, but, erm,

I have a dress fitting at three o'clock,

and my sister needs me.

You should've said. We could've rescheduled.

I didn't know that was something I could do.

Bye, Lee.

- Bye, Nina! - Bye!

Bye.

DRAMATIC MUSIC

Stop!

Wait!

BABY CRIES

I should've stretched.

PHONE RINGS

- MAN SHOUTING: - No, I didn't!

- WOMAN: - No, so I said to her, "No, Catherine, I'll think

"you'll find that I was given Slimmer of the Week,

"and it's interesting that you've pacifically called me out on

- "your Facebook post..." - Specifically. - Aye!

- Specifically. - Pacifically!

- Exactly. - It's specifically. - The cow tagged me pacifically.

Specifically. It's specifically, it's specifically,

- it's specifically. - Hold on, Angela. There's a woman whispering

- something at me on the bus. - Specifically. - Can I help you?

It's specifically!

Sorry. SHE RINGS STOP BELL

DRAMATIC MUSIC

Sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.

Ohh!

I got stuck in the toilet on my date and then my bus was late.

Ugh! And then I got cramp because I didn't stretch.

I'm so sorry.

SQUAWKING

Is that a bird?

SQUEAKING

Nina, I thought you were going to postpone seeing your wee friend.

You said that and then I groaned noncommittally.

Why is there a bird in a dress shop?

Was the date at least good?

No, Amber, it wasn't at least good. It was rubbish.

Och, no. What happened?

Somebody planned a dress fitting in the middle of it.

Oh, ha-ha-ha!

Nina, this is Cecily.

SHE HUMS TO BIRD

She did the bridesmaids dresses for Davina McCall's second wedding.

Oh, it was a beautiful reception.

Sting was there.

He played Brown Eyed Girl on his lute.

Oh, and I take it you're the late girl?

She's sweaty, Clancy.

Fan her!

Oh!

Cecily, this is my big sister, Nina.

She's a palaeontologist and my Maid of Honour.

- No. - Let's just take it off, Nina. - No, I don't want to.

Mm-hm-hm...

I've got a few options that could fit her.

Pop in the changing room and take your clothes off.

Davina can do a full costume change in 17 seconds

and not a word of a complaint from her.

Help me!

Nina...

PARROT WHISTLES

..you look like a princess.

I think it just needs a little styling.

Otherwise it's great.

Mm, it's stunning.

It draws the eye in, it distracts.

SQUEAKING

God, I'm good!

Let me just see where it doesn't fit.

Turn. That's it.

Now up, and down.

PARROT WHISTLES

Malcolm!

MALCOLM SQUAWKS

I don't like it.

I'm sorry. It's just...

It's very itchy and hot.

That's OK - that's what the fitting's for.

Do you want a fan? Clancy!

CLANCY SNAPS FAN OPEN

- Evie... - Oh.

Nina, we just need to fix the sleeves, nip in the waist,

then it's perfect.

- Please stop it. I'm just gonna wear something else. - No, but...

But then you won't co-ordinate with the others.

I don't care about that.

Yeah, but I care!

Nina, just take a deep breath. Let her do her job.

Please stop managing me.

I'm not. I'm just trying to help.

You're not helping - you're making it worse!

MALCOLM SQUAWKS I'm not wearing this stupid dress.

MALCOLM WHISTLES

Have you got any prosecco?

Yes, we do!

I need to go home...

I need to go home.

PARROT SQUAWKING INCREASINGLY LOUD MUSIC

MALCOLM WHISTLES

I need to go.

- Nina... - I don't want to be like this in front of these people, OK?

OK. I can come with you?

No, thank you.

MALCOLM SQUAWKS

What did I do?

Don't worry.

Nina's not traumatised or anything.

She's just autistic.

Oh.

Malcolm has OCD.

MALCOLM: Sweaty girl, sweaty girl!

CACOPHONOUS MUSIC

FUUUUUCK!

MUSIC STOPS

Working on you manifesto?

Shit!

Bo!

Oh, you gave me such a fright. What are you doing here?

I was having a siesta.

Hilda won't let me move back in...

..until she's reabsorbed her energy from the flat.

I told you she was a sponge.

You know she can't stop you from going home?

I'm scared.

Hexes aren't real.

I'm no scared she'll hex me, Nina.

I'm scared that this is it for me.

That this...

That this is my life!

Here.

Thanks.

You're welcome.

CAT MEOW RINGTONE

Oh, speak of the devil and she shall call.

Are you not gonna answer it?

No, I have to let it ring out.

If I reject the call, it starts a whole...

..thing.

RINGING CONTINUES

She's very persistent for a vegan.

RINGING STOPS

- Evie texted. - Mmm.

She says you went fucking mental at the fitting.

Is that what she said?

No. She said that you were upset and she was worried.

The dress lady kept tugging at me,

and Evie kept fussing,

and there was a bird in the shop.

And Evie expected me to change my plans for her,

but I had things to do - I had a date.

And I wanted to do both. I can do both things.

Normal people can do both things.

Wait a minute. You went out with an actual person?

- Mm-hm. - Was it like an episode of the Undateables?

No!

It was worse.

I fell in a toilet.

BO LAUGHS

It was awkward and awful and I was preoccupied.

Aye, cause you knew you had somewhere else to be.

I only had somewhere else to be because Evie changed

the date of the dress fitting!

She wants me to make everything about her,

but in a couple of weeks' time she's gonna abandon me for some...

..soy boy wet wipe who makes her...

AFFECTS ENGLISH ACCENT: ..gut-friendly pasta from Firenze.

Evie won't abandon you.

The girl cannae make a cup of tea on her own.

She needs you.

You're her person.

Now she's got a new person.

No, she doesn't. She's got someone to take her to dinners

and tell her she's pretty. She'll still need you to check her spelling

and help her with work and watch the Real House-MILFs of Atlantis.

The Real Housewives of Atlanta. And you know that, Bo.

I've heard it both ways.

I can't believe you watch that shite. You're a scientist, Nina!

Says the mathematician who let his girlfriend convince him

- to get a sage enema. - Ahh!

- I told Evie that in confidence. - Ha!

I like The Real Housewives because they do a thing

and then it cuts to them sitting in front of a camera,

explaining why they did what they did.

You never need wonder with a Real Housewife.

Evie gets it.

Well, of course she does.

You two freaks get each other.

Do you think you just amputate your whole family

when you've got someone new in your life?

- No? - No. - No. - No.

Besides, if you two didn't have each other, she'd have a face tattoo

and you'd be wearing the same outfit every day like a cartoon character.

She would look good with a face tattoo.

Thank you, Bo.

I know that I say I need Evie but...

..I need you too.

I can see your testicles.

HE GASPS

Ha-ha! Made you look.

Bastard.

PHONE RINGS

Ooh!

Is that your fancy man?

Mm-hm.

Tell him I said, "Run."

NINA HISSES

PHONE VIBRATES

Hello?

Hi. I got home all right. Erm...

My dress fitting was awful and I screamed in a bush.

Don't worry.

I've actually been in the exact same situation.

SHE CHUCKLES

You'll look back on today and laugh.

I'm more a 'look back on things and die inside' type of girl,

like our awkward date.

I liked the bit where you started talking about grandad corpses.

No, don't!

No, no, it was good.

You'd be amazed how rarely on a date I get to hear the words,

"Death is death".

Well, it is, and if you like that you should hear the rest of

my witty date banter.

Ooh.

Is it saucy?

If you're into fossilised shark faeces then buckle up, son.

Save it for the second date!

Is there a second date?

Eh...

If-if-if you have the time.

I can make time.

DOOR OPENS

Evie?

I'm sorry about today.

I should've changed the date of my date.

Thank you.

I'm really sorry too.

I was being really pushy.

And there was a bird and I know you hate birds.

I do hate birds.

Night, Nina.

Night, Evie.

- RANESH: - Goodnight, Neen-meister!

Night...

..Neshinald!

Ooh...

Neshinald - I like that!

NINA LAUGHS

MUSIC: It's Not Doing Me Any Good by Theo Bleak