Original subtitles

This programme contains some strong language

This isn't about us! This is about justice, this is about fairness,

this is about the struggle of the common man.

In an easy-come, easy-go world, where people are fickle

and faithless, my unwavering loyalty to you should be recognised.

Nay, it should be celebrated.

Fine.

But technically, your free eleventh coffee is meant to be a hot product.

Show me the fine print!

It's tacitly understood.

Not. By. Me.

SHE GASPS

Oh, my God! This is my sister.

I don't care.

Thank you, Brian.

I'll see you...

..tomorrow.

Evie, what are you doing here?!

Well, I'm not back at work until tomorrow and I need a day

to come back down to earth after my city break and I thought, why not

try and catch my big sister on her coffee break for a little chitchat?

Can't we chitchat after work in the empty hours?

What's on today's agenda, then?

I have a meeting in 45 minutes about a fossilised shark poo

and then I have to catch up with my colleagues about leaving

perishables in the fridge.

- Wow! Unreal! - Mm.

The slay never stops.

So do you have time for a quick wander before your meeting?

We could take in the relics of a lost time?

Evie, you said the museum smells like old man feet.

And knowledge, baby.

What has London done to you?

Actually, London was incredible.

I mean, if you don't mind being less than six foot away from a rat

- or a banker at any given time. - Eugh.

I don't know what's worse.

- BOTH: - Banker.

- BOTH: - Jinx!

THEY LAUGH

Oh, this place is amazing.

You've been here multiple times since we were children.

Never gets old.

So something happened in London that I need to talk to you about.

Something happened in Glasgow.

I had to watch the Real Housewives reunion without you,

so there was nobody there to hear my amazing quips.

I can't believe you watched it without me.

- You were gone all weekend. - Boo-hoo!

We can watch it again tonight with my commentary.

- Deal. - Deal.

Evie, why are you actually here? You're being weird.

What's wrong with a spontaneous visit from your loving wee sister?

Hmm.

Last time you showed up here out of the blue, it's cos you'd

burnt your moustache off with Veet and it'd gone all red and crusty.

At least I try to deal with my moustache.

I deal with my moustache. Three months ago I tried backcombing it

- and I looked very distinguished. - Ooh!

- Right. Nina? - Mm? - There's something I have to tell you.

Why aren't you saying anything?

I'm doing a dramatic pause.

How long do dramatic pauses last?

I'm engaged!

To who?!

- Ranesh. - Who?!

My partner! We've just been on a romantic weekend together?

The TikTok advertising man with the concave arse?

He's a creative strategist.

And it's only concave in pictures.

He took me up the Shard, Nina.

It was all disgustingly romantic.

OK, this is where you say, "That's amazing news, I'm so happy for you!"

It's not amazing news and I'm not happy for you.

Evie, I'm deeply concerned - you've only known this man for six weeks.

- That's not enough time. - Says who?

Evie, you've had thrush that lasted longer than six weeks!

ECHO REVERBERATES

- MUTTERS: - It wasn't thrush, I was just itchy.

We went though so much natural yoghurt, Evie.

What about Ranesh making a casual appearance

at Tuesday night dinner tomorrow?

All just really casual.

Takeaway Tuesday is sacred, Evie.

- You said you would never get married. - Did I?

Hmm. It's really just an excuse for a big fat party.

Yeah, except it's not just a big party.

It's the morning after the party,

and it's the morning after that and then the morning after that!

How can you spend the rest of your life with somebody you've

- only known for six weeks!? - I know this all seems crazy to you, right?

But when you are wildly in love with someone,

you just start to realise that nothing anyone else thinks matters.

We're just, like, walking on this knife edge

and we just have to keep going, because if we don't, we'll fall.

Evie, that sounds horrendous and painful!

I've never felt this way, Nina.

He's my person.

Ugh. Well, Mum and Dad are not going to be happy about this!

CORK POPS

We're so happy about this!

Now, we know that it's soon,

but we're thinking...

- ..summer wedding? - Lovely.

- That's it? - What?

She's marrying some man that none of us have ever met

and that's all you're going to say?

Dad, what if he chokes women at the weekend?

- Does he choke women on the weekend? - No! He's in a feminist book group.

Well, there you are.

We'd only known each other six months when we got married.

Yes, but that was in 1986 when everybody was stupid and you

thought that the feathered mullet was an all right hairstyle for men.

Oh, I loved my feathered mullet.

Oh, and he's never looked so good.

He looked like Princess Diana!

How long did Romeo and Juliet know each other before they got married?

- 24 hours? - They were pretend and then they killed themselves!

Our son-in-law,

a creative strategist.

What does that mean?!

Well, it means that finally this family

has got something to celebrate!

Mother, I have three degrees.

I am a research assistant in the palaeontology department.

Do you know how many positions there are for palaeontologists in Glasgow?

There's seven. There's seven and I am one of them!

Darling, I didn't mean that you're...

- You're a force of nature, Nina. - You're an inspiration.

The dinosaurs are lucky to have you.

- Anyway, let's talk venue. - And what will you wear?

We just want to keep things super simple,

so I'm thinking I'll wear something like a second-hand pantsuit.

Because the Wedding Industrial Complex

- is predatory capitalism, you know. - Oh...

If this is about money, sweet pea...

..your dad and me, we've got

a wee bit of money set aside for the conservatory so...

What? Oh, guys!

That is amazing news

because I have had my eye on the most beautiful designer...

..simple pantsuit.

And what about my wedding fund?

Y-you don't do relationships, Nina.

You're independent. Like Cher.

Fine then. I would like a party, of equal value,

to celebrate all of my many great accomplishments.

THEY LAUGH

Oh, but you're the sensible one.

You don't just plunge into any crazy old scheme.

SHE CHUCKLES

You think this wedding's crazy?

- No! - Yes! - No!

What did I miss?

Evie's going to bankrupt Mum and Dad.

What else is new?

We know you'll miss your sister, Nina.

But things won't be all that different.

It's just everyone's acting like

getting engaged is some sort of big achievement.

You know that Rose West was married and she was a murderer!

Why am I the only person who thinks this is a terrible, terrible idea?

Because you've eaten Wheat Puffs for breakfast every single

- day of your life. - And?

You're the most risk-averse person on the planet.

If I know I like Wheat Puffs, why would I try other breakfast foods?

Why are you so surprised about this? This is classic Evie.

Everything she's ever done has suggested

that this will one day happen. What, did you think you were just

going to become two old ladies in that flat together?

I just don't see what the big rush is.

- Love makes people stupid. - Hmm.

Oh, fuck!

I forgot to charge Hilda's crystals.

HE MOANS

Bo, if your girlfriend is so bad, why don't you just get a better one?

Mm... Much to think about, Nina. Thank you.

- You're welcome. - Look, the point is, Lurch, things are going to change

so how are you going to ever accept Evie's crazy stupid love

if you won't even try Cheerios?

I don't eat foods with holes, so the point is moot.

MUSIC: Warpaint by Lizzie Reid

Don't let me see you put feathers on that dinosaur, mate.

I know, I know, "the evidence is undeniable,

"dinosaurs had feathers", but the people, they like scales.

They don't like feathers.

Dinos are scary, OK? And feathers, they're, you know, they're cute.

They're Paw Patrol. They're Elton John.

Yeah? Basically, feathers aren't scary.

Do you catch my drift? That's my guy.

Grr!

Nina...

Nina?

Nina?

SHE CLEARS THROAT

- While I've got you, can I grab a tight five? - Yep.

Once again, Nina, we've had...

- ..a few comments. - Nice comments?

So this is just a gentle reminder that we avoid telling children

that it should be Cretaceous Park, not Jurassic.

OK? The people have this image of scientists as these shy nerds

in glasses and white coats,

but we're so much more than that, right?

- Yeah. - So when you insist that a T-Rex could crunch Granny's spine

like a mid-morning cracker, it fits with this totally wrong narrative

of scientists as antisocial, rigid and a bit autistic.

But I am.

Yeah, but I'm saying we're not that.

- Oh, no, I'm saying I AM that. - No, I mean...

You're autistic...

Yes, of course.

Mm-hm.

I'm pretty sure Declan is, too.

Mm... And, erm, are you going to come team bowling tonight, Nina?

- No. - No, Nina's got her routine.

She has dinner with her sister on Tuesday.

It's Takeaway Tuesday at our flat, and I don't go bowling

because it's full of sweaty people making noise,

and I don't share shoes with strangers,

and I don't put my fingers in bowling ball holes.

It's full of fungus, Shane. It's disgusting.

Right, well, er, you know,

not everyone lives in the fast lane like us, eh, Declan?

Pull it together, Shane.

Thanks very much.

You're not the coffee man.

Er, I think I am.

Am I not?

Oh! You're, erm, you're talking about Brian.

Yeah, he left.

- WITH SOUTHERN DRAWL: - There's a new coffee sheriff in town.

Me.

Could I get a filter coffee, please?

Oh, do you know what would go really well with this?

Our new breakfast biscotti.

Start your day with a crunch.

I can't eat double baked biscuits. I've got delicate gums.

Very wise.

I mean, I like to live on the edge, you know?

But not everyone is, er, into that kind of lifestyle.

No. It's not a lifestyle for people with vertigo.

That's a good point.

How's your day going?

My sister's marrying some concave-arsed Tinder guy

she's only known for six weeks.

And my parents think it's a brilliant idea cos

they lack critical thinking skills. And I've lost my favourite pen.

Six weeks! That's...

That's mental! What if he, erm...

- ..chokes women at the weekend? - That's what I said!

What's this concave-arsed lad like then?

I don't know.

- You've never met him? - No.

- But you know you don't like him? - Yes.

Right. This might be out of line, but, erm...

..and I'm sure he's the...

..worst man in the world,

don't get me wrong, but... Ah!

I like to give people a chance.

But, hey, erm, I'm done.

Just the guy that makes the coffee so...

Could you make mine, please?

Yes! Yep.

- Thanks. - Thank you, Sheriff.

Oh, that's, that's...

..good.

MUSIC: Requiem in D minor, K 626 by Mozart

CUTLERY SCRAPES

Here it comes.

HE CHUCKLES

- Huh? - Mmm.

- How's that? - Oh, my gosh! - Yeah?

Delish! That's delicious!

Sure it is, Nina?

Oh, please.

It's just a rustic peasant dish

that I picked up during my summer in Firenze.

I love pasta with tomato sauce.

It's a great combination.

Same-sies!

- Oh, I'm just going to, erm, check on something... - Sure.

..in the other room.

SHE MOUTHS

SHE CLEARS THROAT

So...

Here we are.

THEY CHUCKLE

Oh, Evie mentioned that you've got autism, which is obviously

- super cool... - Don't say it.

Autism is a superpower.

A guy from uni had a bit of it and he was on Countdown.

- Did he win? - He died shortly after.

But he did win a Conundrum.

- Neens... - Nina.

..I'd hate for there to be a...

..chasm between us.

- The bond between two sisters, well, it's a holy thing, isn't it? - Mm.

And, as a man, I couldn't even begin to understand it.

And then here's me just coming in here,

ripping your best friend away from you.

But nothing is going to change.

- Yeah, I know that! - Not talking about me, are we?

THEY CHUCKLE

So...

..how did this transpire?

Hmm! I'm glad you asked.

- Cool. - Finding love in a Tinder age is a miracle, Neens.

- Nina. - All these girls describe themselves as artsy

and cultured on their profiles,

then all they want to talk about is reality TV.

Mmm! Evie's often remarked on the mindlessness of reality television,

haven't you, Evie?

Evie has taught me so much about the importance of female stories.

Yeah, it's good when women talk in films.

Our connection on that first date was instant.

We went to see a feminist poetry slam at the bandstand.

- Fun. - Then we stayed so late and danced all night.

THEY LAUGH

Everybody looked at us, didn't they, babe?

- But we didn't care. - We didn't even care.

No, I bet you didn't!

And then when she turned up to London in just a torn

pair of jeans with no make-up bag, I thought to myself,

"Yeah, there she is.

"My person."

Together, we can move and shake the world.

It is crazy quick, Neens.

You're not wrong about that, but...

If you don't take any risks...

..how do you know you're even alive?

WHISPERS: Cos you're breathing.

- Nope. - What are you doing?

Er, I'm going to take a risk.

- You're leaving? - Yes, sis! We love to see it!

No.

You can't just go, Nina.

We're literally eating the food of Firenze.

We're supposed to be eating the food of Takeaway Tuesday.

No, no, Evie. No, no. She is embracing her new self.

Entering her new era.

She's self-actualizing.

- We should let her go. - Where are you even going?

I'm going to go bowling with my work colleagues like a normal person

- and nobody can stop me. - No, you're not!

You hate putting your fingers in the holes.

Yes, well Evie, sometimes we have to stick our fingers

in holes we don't like.

Nina! You'll have to wear the bowling shoes.

They'll make you.

I don't care! It's time I did my own thing.

- OK. Well, obviously I'll support you. - Thank you.

- Because women should always support other women! - Mm-hm.

- No matter what! - Yes.

Peace out.

DOOR CLOSES

Well, she has completely lost it.

I just want to say how honoured I am to be included in such

a vulnerable conversation between two sisters.

Hmm. Come on, I'll show you.

It's three spins, just like the Italians do it.

- Ooh! - There you go. Perfection.

I'm going to wear my own shoes.

But...

Oh, Nina! Over here! Nina!

We're here! You've finally come along!

Get stuck in!

Excuse me, Shane,

as per our booking form,

all players have to wear bowling shoes.

I don't wear bowling shoes.

Yeah, if Nina doesn't want to wear bowling shoes, Roxanne,

that's, like, you know, totally OK with all of us.

I looked it up. And in every other bowling alley in the world,

a flat soled shoe will suffice.

It might be a different story in other bowling alleys, but here,

at Bowling-For-U, when we bowl, so help me God, we wear bowling shoes.

I'm sorry, Nina. Roxanne's right.

I mean, I'd let you, but it's these pesky rules. Grr!

I'm going to fight zombies.

Did you know they actually use these games

to scout for government assassins?

Jesus, Declan! Announce yourself.

Gun up!

I thought you had takeaways with your sister on Tuesdays?

Yeah, that's what I thought

and then I had to meet Ranesh and I didn't want to meet Ranesh

because I thought he was going to be annoying,

and then I met Ranesh and it turns out, he is annoying.

And he's ruined Tuesday night Takeaway with his

"pasta from Firenze"!

And everything's changed because Evie wants to walk on a knife edge!

And since I've been forced against my will to find

a new activity for a Tuesday night, I decided to come bowling,

where I'm being told I have to wear shoes full of disease.

Bowling shoes are full of disease.

You're right about that.

If you agree that bowling shoes are disgusting, why do you come here?

Gemma wants me to put myself forward more at work.

Who's Gemma?!

Gemma, my wife of 23 years.

- Oh. - Anyway, I like bowling.

And I'm good at it - it's my flexible elbows.

Evie said I wouldn't be able to bowl, and she's right.

People like to put things in boxes.

Look at Shane - he can't even accept that dinosaurs had feathers,

because he doesn't remember it from Jurassic Park!

And look at you.

Nobody thought you'd ever come to Team Building bowling,

but here you are.

You're a dinosaur with feathers.

The people we love won't ever understand how hard it can be

to do these things, but we do them anyway.

For them.

And, after years of experimentation, I've come up with a neat trick.

The old double sock.

Declan, it is a travesty that your genius is yet to be recognised.

Don't let them put you in a box.

I'll try.

And I'll bowl.

But I'm going to wear my own shoes.

- VOICE ON GAME: - Finish him!

- VOICE ON GAME: - Final round!

ZOMBIES GROAN

- VOICE ON GAME: - New high score!

Coloured balls - why are they all that colour?

It's green I recognise, then straight down the middle...

Shane, what is she doing? Where are her shoes?!

I am self-actualising!

SHE GAGS, STRAINS

CHEERING

Yay! You got a strike! Amazing!

MUSIC: Beginner's Luck by Former Champ

Marvellous.

INAUDIBLE

- Hi. - Hiya.

- I've left you some pasta. - Thank you.

EVIE CLEARS THROAT

How was your night?

Yeah. Erm, it was good.

I killed a bunch of zombies.

And then I got a strike.

And I talked to my colleagues about how tired they are all the time.

- Sounds like a mad one. - Mm.

Oh, my God! Evie, this is so good!

I know, right?!

He makes good pasta!

Yeah!

THEY LAUGH

I'm really sorry about earlier.

Dinner and everything.

I think it was probably a bit too much too soon.

As much as I think it's unhinged and that Mum and Dad have lost their

absolute minds, if you want me to get on board with your wedding...

..then I'll do it.

I'll do it for you, Evie.

I'd really like that.

OK.

And...I'll make an effort with Ranesh.

Even though he is, arguably, the most irritating man alive!

Aww, Nina! You remembered his name!

Neens! You're back from conquering your Everest!

- Hello! - Hi!

Your pasta slaps!

Great! Did you ask her yet?

Oh, yeah, erm...

OK. Nina, there's something that I want to talk to you about.

OK. As you know, I love Mad Amber and Lulu and Luella and Lara.

They're, like, the best girls ever and I'd literally die for them.

But they've only known me for a wee bit of time

and there's someone else,

someone who's pretty spectacular who's known me for my whole life.

- Who? - You, you numpty!

- Oh. - So, Nina...

..will you be my Maid of Honour?!

- Yeah! - Yeah, you'll do it? - Yeah!

Yes. She said yes! I heard yes! She said yes!

- That was a yes! - She said it! - Oh, Nina! - Oh, my God!

- Oh, my God! - Yes! I predicted it! - You can choose the hen do!

You could do bowling if you like that now, yes?

There's going to be dress fittings, cake, flowers...

- We can do make-up trials! - It'll be amazing. Loads of flowers!

You should get your bangs back! Twins!

You could pick fidget spinners for the table.

We want it to be a fully inclusive wedding.

It's going to be so much fun!

So much fun! The bestest fun!

- The bestest much fun EVER! - This is the best day of my life!

The best sister ever!

# I went for a stroll after dark

# I thought of you and her while staring at the black

# I didn't have you down for being easily led

# The girl well-read. #