Original subtitles

1-Adam-12, 1-Adam-12,

possible 459 suspects there now.

1-Adam-12, 1-Adam-12,

a 415, man with a gun.

1-Adam-12, no warrant. Lincoln, X-Ray, Ida 483.

1-Adam-12, a 415, fight group with chains and knives.

So, anyways, see, there was this little guy

and he was sittin' in a bar,

and he's havin' a beer.

Now, standin' just a few feet away is...

You want some coffee?

No, thanks.

Don't be a point-killer, will you?

Go on.

Just a few feet away,

is standin' one of the toughest, meanest-looking dudes.

Hey, what happened to you guys last night?

We never did see you.

We got hung up over on Central.

Somebody busted a dress shop about 11:00.

Oh, yeah? They get anything?

37 dresses.

They must've seen us rollin' up

because they dumped them all

in an alley about a block away.

You know, we had to come back here

and book every one of 'em. Dress by dress.

We didn't get out of here till 2:00 in the morning.

No kidding.

Oh, hey, it's about that time.

You know, I sat up till about 5:30 this morning

watching the Late Show.

They used to make some pretty good pictures.

"I don't know, mister," he says, "it's a pretty good-sized dog."

You comin'?

I'll be with you in a minute. I gotta hear the end of this.

Must be a pretty good story. Clean, too.

Ed Wells telling Reed another one of his real good ones, huh?

I hope it's one of his real good ones.

I mean, I figure I'm gonna be hearin' it all night long.

What's with you?

Oh, it's that story Ed Wells was tellin' me.

It's... It's too much.

You mean you just got it?

No, I was just thinkin' about it again.

I-It's really funny. It'll kill you.

This guy goes into this bar one night and he's...

Uh, is this, uh, gonna be a long story?

Yeah, pretty long. What's wrong? Don't you wanna hear it?

No, go ahead.

Okay, so, uh, this guy goes into this bar.

He's a-a little meek man with glasses,

and he's, uh, got this funny-lookin',

little squatty dog on a leash.

You haven't heard this one before, have you?

Oh, I don't know.

A lot of stories start that way.

You know, a guy walks into a bar with somethin',

uh, a duck, or a mongoose, or a dead cat.

This isn't the one where the, uh, dog's a ventriloquist?

No, no. This is ten times funnier.

So, anyway,

he, the little guy, goes into the bar

and... and he's got this peculiar-looking,

little squatty dog on a leash.

And, uh, he walks up and he orders a beer.

Now, just a few feet away from him at the bar is another fellow.

A big man.

And he's got a great big ferocious dog with him.

I mean, like, the biggest dog you ever saw.

I mean like a Great Dane with teeth about this long.

Hmm. And anyway...

1-Adam-12, 1-Adam-12.

See the woman. A 484 report.

1919 and a half, South Bayview Terrace.

Apartment 22.

1-Adam-12. Roger.

I'll tell you the rest of it later.

I know you will.

The ending'll fracture you.

I can't wait.

Who is it?

Police.

Come on in.

Did you call the police, ma'am?

Yes.

I'm Mrs. Hoyt.

Uh, my name's Malloy. And this is Officer Reed.

I don't know how you go about these things,

but I suppose you want to wander around

and investigate.

N-no, ma'am. First we'd like to take the report.

Oh, well.

Oh! Don't touch them.

Well, excuse me.

These are the glasses that the girls used this afternoon.

I put them aside very carefully for you.

Fingerprints, naturally.

I see.

Well, I suppose the fingerprints are all ruined now.

Well, no matter.

What was stolen, Mrs. Hoyt?

My mink.

A mink coat?

No, a scarf.

Wild mink. A beautiful thing.

What was it worth?

I don't know.

Alfred gave it to me. Maj. Collins, that is.

He had his own battalion during the war.

Yes, ma'am.

Very distinguished man.

Had all kinds of medals from the French.

That was the First World War, of course.

Can you estimate its value? Uh, $80, $100, $200?

Oh, $100 easily.

When did you first realize the scarf was missing?

Well, about an hour ago.

I looked in the refrigerator and it was gone.

In where?

The refrigerator.

You put the scarf in the refrigerator?

Certainly.

It's the best place in the world for a mink.

Can I have your full name, Mrs. Hoyt?

Alice V. Hoyt.

My husband was one of the New Mexico Hoyts, you know.

I was originally a Vernon. The Connecticut branch.

Well, is there any indication anybody broke in?

Oh, no.

I can tell you exactly what happened.

All right. You go ahead.

I had the girls over here this afternoon for cards.

We do that every Friday and today was my turn.

Clara Mortensen, Margaret Hill and Ethel Shagrue.

It was one of them.

Except, I don't think it was Clara.

Uh, do they know that, uh,

you keep the mink in the refrigerator?

Oh, yes. They kid me about it.

Ethel will say,

"Well, Alice, has it gone bald yet?"

That sort of thing.

Pure jealousy, of course.

When Alfred, that's Maj. Collins,

gave it to me,

their noses were all out of joint.

They all had their eye on him.

He has money. He was in lumber up north.

What makes you think one of the ladies took it?

Spite work, of course.

Whichever one took it will have to burn it

or run it down the disposal or something like that.

But it won't make the slightest difference, naturally.

When a man like the Major feels the way he does,

well...

Is there a chance you might have mislaid the scarf?

Oh, no.

Did you look anyplace else for it?

I always keep it in the refrigerator.

Except when I'm defrosting.

Would you mind if I took a look?

Go right ahead. Second shelf.

Mind the fingerprints on the handle.

Uh, would you give me the, uh,

addresses of the other ladies?

There's Clara Mortensen.

She lives over on Hillside. 1632.

She's about my age. Five-foot three.

Blue hair. And she...

Blue hair?

Well, it's really gray,

but she uses one of those blue rinses.

You know.

Well, and at her age, too.

Yes, ma'am. And Ethel...

I found it.

No. Where?

You must've been a little confused, ma'am.

It was in the freezer compartment.

Oh, my.

Wh-what will I tell the girls?

1-Adam-12, clear.

1-Adam-12, clear.

Nice old girl.

Yeah, she was.

Well, anyway, back to the story.

Where was I?

Uh, two guys in a bar.

And one of 'em has a funny-looking little dog

and the other one has a great big one.

Right. Uh, I should've told you.

The, uh, little funny-looking dog was yellow.

Okay.

Well, uh, the big guy,

he looks over at the little guy

and then he looks down at the yellow dog

and he bursts out laughin', and he says,

"That's the funniest-lookin' dog I've ever seen."

And the little guy just nods and he says,

"I agree with you. He's not much for looks,

but, uh, he can sure fight."

And the big man says, "Uh-huh. My dog is a fighter."

He says, "There ain't a dog in the world that can whip him."

And, uh, anyway, they went on like this for a few minutes,

and, uh, pretty soon the big guy says,

"Okay, put your money where your mouth is, sport.

I'm gonna bet you $500 my dog can beat yours."

So they made the bet...

1-Adam-12, 1-Adam-12.

Man assaulting a woman.

522, North Hudson, 1-Adam-12, Code 2.

1-Adam-12, roger.

I don't think I'm ever gonna get to finish the story.

Don't worry. It's gonna be a long night.

Police officers.

I been waitin' on you.

What's goin' on?

He hit me. And cut me.

Who?

My husband.

Did he take off?

No, he's inside.

Did he use a knife?

Huh-huh.

Does he still have it?

No.

What's his name?

Henry.

Okay, Henry. Come on out.

I'm goin' to the kitchen.

Just hold it right here.

Don't put your hands on me.

Just hold it. Now, take it easy, Henry.

You're not going to put them things on me!

Come on, you kids get back in the bedroom! Hurry up.

Just 'cause I push her around

you guys gonna make a big deal out of it?

Better give him his rights. Okay.

Okay.

Now see what you done.

I don't want to talk to you.

I need your full name.

Muriel J. Fletcher.

What was it? A fight?

I don't wanna talk about it.

Just take him to jail. Get him out of here.

We have to know what happened.

I suppose.

Yeah, we've been fightin'.

What about?

Mostly him just layin' around the place.

He'd been goin' at some of the kids.

No reason at all.

I tried to make him quit.

How many children do you have?

Five.

Well, he hit me. And knocked me down.

I was gettin' up, when the next thing I know,

he come at me with a knife.

Well, I put my hand up. You know, like this?

Mmm-hmm. And he cut me.

Well, I got out of here somehow.

And I got to the phone.

It happened right here in this room, huh?

Yeah. That's right.

Where's the knife?

In the kitchen. On the table.

You ever been arrested before?

Yup.

What for?

Burglary.

You wanna tell me about it?

Well, it was a couple of months ago.

Um, nothing to it. The judge let me loose.

Anything else?

Well, I done some time about, uh, eight years ago.

That was for burglary, too.

He waived his rights.

He said they were fightin' over the kids

and he lost his temper. Okay.

We'll have to take this in with us, Mrs. Fletcher.

Take anything you want, as long as he goes, too.

So long.

Good-bye.

Hold it right here, Henry.

Does this whole thing seem a little hinky to you?

I don't know. I haven't given it much thought.

Maybe it's just me.

Did you notice any blood on the floor?

No.

Neither did I.

Uh, we goin' or ain't we?

Hang onto him, huh?

Mrs. Fletcher, you used that phone out in the hall, right?

Yeah. Why?

Then you came right back in here?

Yeah, like I told you.

Weren't you afraid?

I mean, your husband had just cut you.

Um, no, he... he generally quiets down real quick.

And, uh, I had to get my hand tied up.

It was bleeding?

Sure.

Would you mind if I took a look?

Okay.

When did it happen?

20 minutes now, I expect.

You heal up pretty fast.

Looks more like yesterday to me.

I told you he done it!

Now why don't you just arrest him

and stop botherin' me?

That's a pretty bad cut on her hand.

I'm sorry about it.

How did she cut herself? On a tin can or a bottle?

Well, I done it. Just like she told you.

Mmm-hmm.

Now let's get goin'. I... I don't like standin' around here like this.

What do you do for a living, Henry?

I work in a warehouse.

And you haven't been working much lately, huh?

I got a lot of trouble with my leg.

You're on welfare, right?

Come on, Henry.

We can check it out fast enough.

That's right, I'm on welfare.

And this whole thing was your wife's idea.

No, it was her idea and my idea.

We've got five hungry young ones in there.

We started talking about it yesterday

after she cut herself, all right?

And that little scuffle was just to make it look good?

That's right.

You got enough under me to ride a good shake?

Uh-huh.

Okay, kick him loose.

I don't get it.

If he's in jail, she gets more welfare money.

Sorry, Henry.

You better get that hand looked at at a clinic.

You guys are always ready to arrest me

when I don't want you to.

That's life, Henry. No justice.

Do you remember where I was?

Yeah. The funny little dog and the big dog

were just about to fight.

Right. So, uh, the big guy and the little guy,

uh, they made the bet.

And they took the dogs out in the alley.

Now the big guy, he sicked the Great Dane

on the little yellow dog.

For about ten seconds,

all you could see was brown fur flyin'.

And, uh, pretty soon the Great Dane, he takes off,

the tail between his legs, just whipped.

And the big guy stood there and he shook his head and he says,

"I didn't think there was any dog that could whip mine,

let alone a little runty thing like that."

And, uh, the little guy says,

"Well, maybe I should've mentioned it.

"Before I cut off his tail and painted him yellow,

he was an alligator."

Uh, you didn't laugh.

I'm sorry.

Oh, don't you get it? Sure.

It was an alligator.

Painted yellow. I get it.

It's funny.

I don't understand it.

I don't know, Pete.

A guy leadin' an alligator around on a leash,

now, that's funny.

All right.

And, uh, paintin' him yellow. That's a very funny idea.

Lighten up on me, will you, partner?

It's just a joke.

Yeah, and it's one of the funniest ones

I've heard in a long time.

Sickin' a Great Dane on an alligator.

I can't help it.

It just didn't do anything for me.

You know, Pete, uh, humor can be very revealing.

Next time, I'll laugh. No matter what.

Well, what's the sense in tellin' you a joke

if you're not gonna give it an honest reaction?

In about one minute,

I'm gonna give you an honest reaction.

I'm gonna paint you yellow.

How's it goin'?

Oh, okay, I guess.

What's with him?

I think he's mad at me.

Come on. I was tellin' him a joke Ed Wells told me

and I can't figure why he doesn't think it's funny.

It's funny. It's just not hysterical.

So what's the story?

You wanna hear it?

Sure.

Okay, well, it's like this, see.

This little guy comes into this bar, and he's got...

Uh, hold it, hold it, will you?

Uh, you mind if we order first?

Sure, go ahead.

Uh, so, anyway, the little guy says,

"Maybe I should've told you.

"Before I cut off his tail and painted him yellow,

he was an alligator."

That's it?

Yeah, that's it.

I see what you mean, Pete.

What's with you?

That's funny.

I mean, that's really funny.

Yeah, I told you it's funny, didn't I?

That's right. You did.

You really think so?

Well, what's so funny?

I mean, what... Come on, tell me,

what's so funny about an alligator with no tail?

I think that's the most disgusting story

I ever heard in my life.

I don't see what she got so upset about.

I mean, it was only a joke.

Like, uh, nobody really cut off an alligator's tail.

Some women are very literal-minded.

Yeah.

And, you know, I always thought

Walters had a pretty good sense of humor.

It's just one of those stories.

Some people like it, some people don't.

1-Adam-12, 1-Adam-12.

See the man, a 415 party.

922, Curson Drive. Apartment C.

1-Adam-12. Roger.

I'm not gonna tell that story anymore.

Too chancy.

Good idea.

♪♪

Are you the party that complained?

Can you blame me?

Been goin' for two hours. Gettin' louder and louder.

The Hewlitts, they're pretty quiet people most of the time.

But I can't get my kids to sleep.

I've been upstairs twice now, askin' Howie to keep it down.

You know, neighborly.

Heck, we throw a party of our own once in a while,

but never like this.

Howard Hewlitt? Yeah.

You know, you don't like to call the cops on a neighbor,

but I don't know what else to do.

We'll go up and see about it.

Is he about my age?

Yeah.

Thank you.

Howie.

You know him?

Yeah, if it's the same guy. I went to school with him.

We were on the track team together.

♪♪

Officers.

May I speak to you a minute, please?

Look, why don't I go take care of the party?

Howie and I were pretty good friends.

It'll probably be easier if I took care of it myself.

Okay.

♪♪

Hey, hey!

Uh, uh, wh-what's the trouble?

I'd like to talk with Howard Hewlitt.

Who's that?

Howie Hewlitt.

Oh, Howie. Yeah, come on in, come on in.

I'll find him. He's over here someplace.

Hey, Howie! Hey, Howie!

Hey, Howie! Hey, Howie.

There's a cop over there who wants to see you.

Hey, Jim! What a surprise.

How long's it been?

About three years, anyway.

Oh, at least.

Hey, it's great to see you again.

You too. How you been doin'?

Well, see for yourself, Jim, baby.

How long you been a cop?

Well, uh...

Hey, you know who this is? Jim Reed.

Went to school with me. On the track team together.

Now he's a cop.

Come on, you've got to meet my wife.

Wait a minute, Howie. I got to talk to you. I'm here on business.

It's the neighbors, they complainin'.

The party's too loud. You've got to cut it down.

Hey, Jan! Jan!

Jan.

You won't believe this, honey. Look who just walked in.

You've heard me talk about Jim Reed?

Uh-huh.

Well, here he is. In the flesh.

In a cop suit. Jan, meet Jim. Jim, Jan.

Jim, Jan. That's funny.

One more drink and I wouldn't be able to say it.

You went to school together, I believe?

Yeah, we did.

Both on the track team.

Jim here's the best quarter-miler the school ever had.

Howie, will you listen to me?

I'm listenin'. I'm listenin'.

Howie, you've got to get this place quieted down.

It's great to see you again, you know that?

Howie, I mean it.

You've got to get this place quieted down.

Sure, sure. I'll go do it. You hang onto him, honey.

Howie's told me so much about you.

Are you married?

Yeah, I am.

We got married two years ago this August.

We were in San Diego for a while,

and then we came back here about a year ago.

♪♪

Yeah, well, uh... Look, excuse me.

Nice meetin' you.

Howie.

Hey, Jan's great, isn't she?

Look, I've told you twice now.

You've got to get this place quieted down.

Okay, you've done your duty.

I know you can't drink but how about something to eat?

I mean it.

These are all people I work with.

You know how it is.

I mean, what's the sense of having one of your best friends a cop?

Either you get this place quieted down

or I'm gonna have to arrest you.

You're not kiddin', are you? No. I'm not kidding.

Okay.

Hey, everybody, listen to me.

Listen to me! Turn that thing down.

I just got the word.

We're gonna have to hold the noise down

or else the fuzz is gonna make trouble.

Okay?

What's the D.R. number on that?

Thanks.

What was that all about?

Oh, no sweat.

They just wanted me to correct some punctuation on my report.

You know that story I told you?

Yeah.

Well, the Lieutenant's tellin' it to some guys that just got off watch.

And, uh, he's gettin' it all wrong.

You know the part where the... where the guy comes into the bar...

I don't know. Maybe I don't tell it right.

Oh, you tell it right.

You're just not Lieutenant yet.