Original subtitles

Kaptan's log, stardate 2520.1

We're approaching the planet Aurin 7.

Our mission: to download scientific notes from Professor Krater, who has been living there for several years.

- How much more time, Mr. Sulu? - We arrive at 1327 point 28, Kaptan.

- Mr. Spak? - Yes, Kaptan. This is Spak. I'm listening.

Tell Dr. McCoy to finish up the examinations.

- And please report to the bridge. - Roger that! We're all set.

- The Professor's scanners have detected our arrival, Kaptan.

- Did you notify the Federation? - Yes I did, Kaptan.

- Keep transmitting, Lieutenant Uhura. - Yes, Kaptan.

We're on schedule. We're coming up on Aurin 7 now, Mr. Spak.

- Decrease speed to warp 3. - Yes, Mr. Spak.

- Arrangements for the away team are done, Kaptan. - Thank you, Spak.

- Your assignment is finished, Janice. - Thank you, Doctor.

- Doctor, did you complete the examinations? - Except for you and Mr. Spak.

- Do an atmospheric pressure test for Mr. Spak, too?

Actually, that's not necessary. His pulse is 1340.

Pressures which may kill us, can only tickle him.

Does it bother you that Vulcans have a different anatomy than humans, Doctor?

Mr. Spak, please don't be upset. We appreciate that you Vulcans are the superior species.

Upset?

You forget that I'm incapable of such an illogical emotion.

You can't win a debate against Mr. Spak, Doc.

His emotions are pale as his green blood, you know.

We are always stronger than you humans. Do not forget that.

We should end this debate for now, Mr. Spak.

Tell us about the planet.

There are no sentient lifeforms besides the Professor and his wife, Kaptan.

Just a few androids.

So, Mr. Spak, please report to the transporter room. - Yes, Sir.

- Mr. Sulu, take us out of warp. - Yes, Sir. We're on impulse power now.

All right.

Let's get this show on the road.

Joe, beam us down when ready.

Kaptan's log, supplemental entry.

The away team has beamed down planet, in order to take the...

...required data and examine the Professor and his wife.

We have limited data on the status of this planet.

We have to be on guard. Darnell, you come with us.

Green, do an investigation to map the area.

Professor Krater?

Mrs. Krater?

Doctor, are you nervous about meeting your ex-fiancée again as the Professor's wife?

No! We haven't seen each other for ten years. She must have forgotten me by now.

- Leonard? - Nancy!

Hey!

- Good to see you. - Likewise.

You haven't changed at all.

Oh, this is the first officer of the Enterprise, Mr. Spak.

Nice to meet you, Mrs. Krater.

I admire the Vulcans, Mr. Spak.

And this is our crew member, Darnell.

Hello.

Hello, miss.

Is something wrong, Darnell?

I thought for a second that she looked like a girl I knew on Risa.

- Darnell, you better go to help Green. - Yes, sir.

I'll call the Professor. He forgets everything when he's at work.

It's very hot here, isn't it?

Ancient ruins. Let's look around.

- Professor, I'm First Officer Spak and this is... - I know! You are here for the reports.

I could have transmitted them as usual.

- We need to check your health... - That's not necessary.

Tell Starfleet to leave us alone.

We don't need anything but some salt.

If you are done, Professor, let Dr. McCoy do his job.

Dr. McCoy? - Nancy's friend? - Yes.

Didn't she tell that I was coming?

Have you seen her?

She hasn't aged. It's like she's still 25.

Doctor, she's an attractive woman, but she doesn't look 25.

How inappropriate!

The doctor sees her with the eyes of his youth, when he was her fiancé...

...and you see her as she is today.

That's no surprise.

Doctor, please forget that she's was ever your fiancée.

Dead! Red liquid?

I want to know what happened to my officer!

I couldn't find the Professor.

While I was coming back, I saw your man.

He had a borcia plant in his hands.

Before I could say anything, he took a bite, and collapsed.

Everything is dangerous on an unknown planet.

Don't risk your other men, go away.

We have our orders, Professor...

...and we will warn our men.

Spak to Enterprise.

Enterprise, Kirk speaking. Yes, Spak?

Kaptan, Darnell is dead.

We don't know the cause yet. The Doctor is returning for an autopsy.

You'd better start searching the databases.

I'll check the region with Green.

Should I come down, too?

That's not necessary, Kaptan.

I don't know how dangerous it is, yet.

Don't leave the ship.

Understood. All right.

I'll give the necessary orders.

And Spak, be careful.

Roger that. End transmission.

Doctor, report your findings as soon as possible.

Aye, Mr. Spak.

Weird. The body still seems very viable...

...like he could just get up and walk away.

Borcia plants can cause alkali poisoning.

But there aren't any symptoms of this on the body.

Nancy said that she saw him eat that plant.

Even if he just swallowed a tiny portion, the tricorder should detect that.

Salt! You had to request salt from them.

Nancy, go for a walk. You're panicking.

Doctor, I have work to do. I'll see you at the station, Professor.

Fine, begin your pointless investigation.See what you find. An imaginary killer?

Did they give you any salt?

Not yet!

I need salt!

Relax. You've already caused a lot of trouble for me.

What are you going to do with that time machine?

- Finding a savior for you. - What?

A murder just happened...

...so we need a murderer.

- I'll transport a living man from past. - A scapegoat.

A human. That means salt.

Where do you think you're going, mister?

You can't just knock up our sister and run!

Are you a hoodlum or what? Find another groom for her. Can't you get some other fool?

I've only seen this woman once ever.

If she's nine months pregnant just from a glance last week...

...she can give birth to twenty babies in a month!

- Hey! - Slandering our sister? March!

What slander?

Man, you couldn't find any other guy to foist that woman upon, could you?

No photos, man!

Please, sit down.

Hey, stop!

- I'm going to go make a phone call! - Take your seat!

Why don't you photograph anybody else?

Jackass!

Do you agree to marry Omer the Tourist?

Yeeeees!

And you ,Omer the Tourist? Do you agree to marry Hatice Tezsever?

I've found just the man, who we're going to present to the Enterprise as the killer.

Now, to transport him here.

We're waiting for your answer.

Come on, groom. Say yes!

Dear God, please take me away. Save me! Rapture me!

- Where'd he go? - Did he escape? What happened?

Dear God! You heard my prayer, you brought me to a place far away!

But you've left me alone with my conscience.

What is this place?

A disaster zone?

A construction site?

Such an isolated place!

Did you escape from the beach?

Where are your clothes, bro?

Are you the bouncer of this joint?

He arrived!

He's been teleported here.

Let's find him, quickly.

Look, I'm bored. Are we going to do this all night?

Let me go, or kiss my ass!

Man, what a weird dude you are! You freak!

Thank you, brother. God has sent you to save me!

You've saved me from this man! Tell me, where am I now?

You are on the largest planet in this galaxy.

Hmmm, then is this place close to Kasimpasa?

We're three million light years away from Kasimpasa!

Oh, I see! We're at Nalinci Hill, then.

You'll stay here indefinitely.

Don't worry. You are in safe hands.

If you mean his hands, they're more like paws!

What are you doing?

What the hell are you doing?

Are you nuts, woman?

Last week, I looked at a broad on the street, like this.

She became nine months pregnant.

You lick my hand, I swear, you're gonna give birth to quintuplets!

- No! Don't do this, Nancy! - No!

You heard him, Pepsi, no!

I want him! He's exactly what I need.

Look, listen to me carefully.

Unless the killer of the dead man is found, the crew of Enterprise won't leave our planet.

Now, I'll hand over this creep as the killer, understand?

I'll fix everything.

Now, go!

Man, you're so wooden, people will try to burn you for heat in winter.

Hey, fella! His battery went dead. I've fixed it.

Hey, bro! Where'd she go? That woman?

She has things to do.

Ok, then you take my hand and continue.

Professor Krater!

Professor Krater!

Bring him down, now.

- My God! - Bring him back when I call you.

Don't leave me with this guy, man!

Professor Krater?

Professor Krater?

Madame Krater?

Ensign Green, patrol outside.

- You're on watch until evening. - Yes, sir.

Don't you have anything else to do?

We have many things to do, Professor!

Where is your wife?

She must be on a dig.

I don't watch her all day.

An unknown killer is loose.

I'll hand over the killer to you quite soon.

An illogical offer, Professor.

He could kill anybody else in the interim.

I can't allow Starfleet to run rampant on my planet.

Your complaints will be recorded, Professor!

Look, Professor. An offider has been killed for reasons unknown.

Your and your wife's lives are in danger.

- Spak speaking. - This is Kirk.

Spak here.

McCoy has something to say.

I want you to hear the computer's analysis, Mr. Spak.

I'm listening, Doctor.

Borcia plant, only found on class M planets, is not present in the body.

There is also no sodium chloride in the body.

Explain.

No salt remains in the body.

And the reason?

Unknown! The regular salt content of the body has been extracted.

Nancy and Professor requested salt from us.

- Did you hear that, Spak? - Yes, Kaptan.

I want you to look into this salt thing. Not poisoning.

- Mr. Spak. - Listening.

A very strange killer is against us.

You heard the analysis, Professor.

There's a severe salt deficiency in the body, which cannot be explained.

And you requested salt from us.

On a dry and hot planet, salt is scarce.

There's little left here.

Your murder theory is just a fantasy.

Now, leave this planet.

We will not go anywhere without answers.

Horses die from bad barley, and I'll die because of this man.

Huh? Who are you?

We are Golden Girls.

- Are you made of gold? - Yes.

- Is every part of you made of gold? - Yes.

You should be deposited in a decent bank, or cashed and spent!

Look, another one! Extra gold, God bless you.

Oh, no, thanks. I don't want any.

Let this camel drink.

Why don't you say thank you, mister?

Say thanks or grace, man!

Damn you!

You're here with these pretty golden girls, they wine and dine you, but you don't even smile.

Come on, smile once.

Yeah, you smile when I say, don't you, jackass?

If you are so nervous, perhaps you are the killer.

I know who the killer is!

Of course I know!

And I'll give him to you, now.

Hercules!

Bring the murderer here.

Quickly, Hercules!

Wait, let me chat a little with these girls, these precious golden girls. Stop!

Mister, aren't you tired of carrying me like luggage since morning?

Go and carry someone else!

This guy picks on me, sticks to me like a leech!

Huh?

Take him away!

Is this a robot, too?

Huh? Is this a robot, too?

But the engineer didn't design it properly. Look at those sharp ears...

...that weird hair, as straight as a line, right?

Here, the monster and killer that you seek!

Hmm, so he's the monster.

Oh! He speaks!

Let's take him back and examine him.

Look, what if he tears me up during the exam?

Yellow alert! Careful, he's a brute.

Be polite, this monster could be your father.

Warning! Yellow alert!

I'm a monster! I'll eat you up.

Wow, very beautiful. That's a chair for a king.

Let me sit a minute, someone will drag me away anyway.

Beware, I'm a monster!

Hey, sister. God bless you.

This is Spak speaking.

Your orders, Kaptan? I await for your orders.

Oh, Spak, is that you?

Send us four cups of tea, well steeped, got it?

Don't do that, children. Let's chat decently.

You make me angry! Now I'll do something!

Where's the tea, Jeeves?

Maybe he's a salt-powered robot?

That's illogical. A robot doesn't consume salt, Doctor.

- An immature species. - An unfamiliar race.

- I must examine his body. - And I'll check his brain.

He may have come from another galaxy.

His behavior is like human, but his mother and father must have been aliens.

Stop there!

I'm not sure about me, but your mother is an alien, and your father is from Planet Goat.

Am I right, Doctor?

I told him about his family tree, and he became upset.

Doctor, I have no answers yet. I must speak to the Kaptan.

First, let's discern his identity.

No need! I don't have my birth certificate on me, but my name is Omer. Omer the Tourist.

Give me your hand.

He wants to shake hands.

Zzzt, too slow!

He fell for my trap.

Illogical.

Spak, what's the situation?

I have no clue what this creature is, Kaptan.

Oh, is he the Kaptan?

Come on, bro, sit on your throne!

He makes my brain hurt.

Instead of a brain, you've got ears.

Doctor, what's your opinion?

I need to run tests.

We'll to hold a meeting and discuss your results.

But what do you think now?

I think this creature comes from a bizarre world.

What does that mean? Not from our galaxy?

I don't know. I need to run more tests.

Fall this way!

Now all of you, that way!

Come on!

Red alert! Battle stations!

- We're back in orbit, Kaptan. - Ok, Mr. Spak.

What uptight people you are. I've just played with two buttons, so what?

So what? You threw the ship out of orbit!

- Kaptan, we will subject him to testing. - All right.

- What are you going to do? - Come with me!

What subject?

I'll catch the next ferry.

Doc, you're always with me, like my guilty conscience.

This situation makes me worried.

Kaptan's log, stardate 2520.2

One of my crew has been killed on the surface, after we paid a visit to Professor Krater.

We have yet to discover yet the identity of the creature introduced to us by the Professor as the killer.

Nancy?

Look, I've got salt here.

Nancy! Here's the salt. Nancy!

- Transporter room! - This is the transport team.

This is Ensign Green. My mission is over. Beam me up.

OK.

You can't keep him away from me, Professor.

What's this? You're gonna make me sick.

Let's check his reflexes. Up!

Down.

Up.

- Whee! - Down.

Up!

Whee!

Up!

Whee!

Enough, stop.

Up!

Enough, stop.

- Excessive buildup of semen. - What?

Likely due to his shriveled organs.

In English, please! You talk like a geography textbook.

Up.

Come on, girls, bring me back up or...

Whee!

Come on, up!

Stop, stop!

Can't you be quiet?

- No. - I can't concentrate. Please don't talk.

Why not? People should talk to understand each other.

- Shut up. - If I don't talk, I die, Doc. Right, girls?

Doctor, what' are results of the test? Is he a monster or a killer?

- A monster?! - Let me summarize my findings, sir.

Brain activity: almost none.

Everyone knows that I don't have a brain.

No heart.

Blind Melahat used to call me as heartless, too.

Innards: disordered.

Yeah, I've got diarrhea. My innards are in bad shape.

The analysis goes on this way.

- Mr. Spak. Please continue the investigation. - Yes, sir.

Mr. Tourist, answer my questions correctly.

Sure. I've never lied in my life. If I've ever lied, God, paralyze me.

Oh fine, I lied once.

Mr. Tourist, are you prepared for the intelligence test?

I'm always prepared, like a Boy Scout.

- Then I will start. - Go ahead!

What does it mean when the aggregate expenditure line crosses the 45-degree line in a Keynesian cross model?

Well, your mother told me...

Shit happens.

- Aggregated... expenditure shit... What are you talking about? - What?

You tell me. What happens is that things go to hell, is that what happens?

Why don't you tell me, man?

Kaptan, I cannot continue this exam.

My nerves have no strength left.

All your strength goes to carrying those antennae, Ears.

Mr. Spak, this man is not a monster.

I knew this monster Vasfi, once. God bless him.

During a brawl in Kasimpasa, his enemies shot him from behind. He was my hero.

A logical conclusion.

No monster could be this primitive.

I'm not as bad as Vasfi!

So, what is he?

I'm a precious jewel. You'll appreciate me when I'm gone.

Wait, that was a lie, too?!

Considering this development, the Professor has some explaining to do.

- We have to locate him. - So what about me?

- You're a guest aboard our ship. - So I'm free to do what I want?

- Sure. - Nice!

Janice, come with us to the bridge.

You go, I'll stay and freshen up.

Ok, girl? We'll play cards.

Status report, Mr. Spak?

There's only one humanoid left on the surface, Kaptan. The Professor?

- Or his wife? - I don't know, Kaptan. There are no other humanoids.

This situation is critical.

- Devote all manpower to the investigation. - Yes, Kaptan.

- Send me any and all reports. - Yes, Mr. Spak.

Oh, hello Kaptan Brother. How are you? Is my friend here?

- Who? - Ears, Ears!

Oh, yeah, he's here.

You're busy, I don't want to bother you.

Let me get the door. Open, mister!

Go on. You've a long walk.

Ears!

Ears, how 's it hanging?

- Not Ears! Spak. - Come along, pumpkin.

Oh hey, a TV. Anything good on?

A moon.

There are millions of them in the galaxy.

It looks like a heated stone from a Turkish bath.

- What? - Zzzt, too clever for you!

Go on, do your business.

- What's that? - That's the Professor's planet.

It is? It's too small, bro.

No it's not. We're a quarter million miles away.

Man, stay below the speed limit, I get carsick, and can't afford any more tickets.

We're only going four million kilometers per hour.

Come on, there aren't that many kilometers on Earth.

We're not on Earth. We're in space.

Is in space some sort of slang for far from home?

Please let me do my job, Mr. Tourist.

Do my job? This is bullshit, Ears!

What job are you doing?

Preparing data. Janice, bring the updates.

Dennis! Give me the Johnson File!

- Thank you. - What's that, bro?

- She's a woman. - A space chick?

A woman.

Not just any woman. The daughter of good genes.

- Come here... - Janice, you're excused. You too, Mr. Tourist.

I'll catch you on the flip side...

- Let me help you a little. - Put that back, Mr. Tourist.

Your belongings are so precious! Fine, you're on your own.

- Oh, what's this thing? - A computer.

What does it do?

It helps us answer our questions.

Professor Krater and his wife arrived on Aurin 7 five years ago.

- It talks like a woman. - Yes it does.

May I ask her a question, too?

Not now.

Kiss my ass! Please, just one question, please bro? - I said no, Mr. Tourist.

Don't break you bro's heart over this silly machine!

Ok then, ask.

Com-pyoo-tah!

- Not compyootah. - What then? - "Computer."

I can't pronounce it right. You say it.

Computer, answer.

What's two times two? -Four.

Wow, she might have gotten it right!

- Bro, can I ask just one more question to the compyootah, please? - No, Mr. Tourist, I'm busy.

We did it once and it didn't hurt anything!

Say compyootah, say it, come on.

Computer, please answer this question.

Compyootah, what will the results be in the football betting pools this weekend?

- 1, 2, 0, 0... -Give that to me, quick!

- ...1, 2, 1, 1, 0, 2, 1... - You've ruined my report, Mr. Tourist.

- And you ruined my pools! I didn't say to stop! Damn you, compyootah!

You suck, compyootah!

Kaptan, I request a leave of absence.

What's the matter, Spak? This is the first time I've ever seen you angry.

May I take a medical leave, Kaptan?

Why, Mr. Spak?

I cannot stay on board while Mr. Tourist is here.

He's mad, but we'll make up. Put 'er there, buddy!

I said, let's shake!

Oh please, give me your hand.

Zzzt, too slow, bro!

You see, Kaptan?

An illogical creature.

Here's Mr. Scott's report, Kaptan. There seems to be a malfunction in the ship's computer.

- Run a diagnostic, Mr. Spak. - Yes, sir.

Janice, fetch me the sonic wrench.

Why don't you give it to me, girl?

Come on, hand it over.

Hurry up already!

Thank you.

Check the shielding, Janice.

- What in God's name is that? - Sonic wrench.

- This can emit thousands of specific frequencies. - Wow!

Vibrate individual electrons at the subatomic level.

Maintenance is complete, Kaptan.

Thank you, Mr. Spak. What's the latest on our mission status?

I'll be brief.

Mr. Spak, what's happening?

An alert of some nature.

- Yellow alert? - No, red! Critical systems malfunction. - Yes, sir.

Attention! Red alert!

Deck 3 and 5. Take full cautions.

Chill out, you can all stand down. I did it, messing with this.

- There is an unknown critical danger. - It's not unknown, it's my irritable bowel syndrome. Trust me, I'm familiar with it.

- Shields up. Helm, fire at my command!

Don't shoot! It's only me!

Maximum power on phasers!

No! Bro, I'm telling you, this doohickey upset my stomach!

Brother! Look, when I turn it off, everything's fine!

It rattles my innards. Shakes them up!

I tell my guts, look, stay calm! But then this thing...

...it makes them shake and rumble, and gives me the worst cramps you can imagine!

Stand down. Situation over, return to stations.

Bro, take it back. I want to go hit the can. Thank you, Mr. Tourist.

You're welcome. Don't mention it.

Never touch anything again.

Ok, but don't leave your toys around, puppy.

Mr. Spak! Maybe Mr. Tourist is hungry?

The noises his stomach makes... Perhaps you're right. Mr. Tourist should eat something.

- Shift end on decks 3 and 5. Crew, prepare for turnover.

- Repeat, shift end. Prepare for turnover.

- All second shift crew report. That is all.

Oh, thank you for the food and drink! At last, my stomach is settled.

Now for a space cigarette!

Too bad this space cigarette is imaginary.

I hope y'all don't choke on the smoke of the cigarette I don't have!

- Hey! I'm full now!. - Bon appetit. - Thank you, Kaptan.

Well, look, Spakky! Click, click! It doesn't do anything now.

- Your stomach is more logical than you. - Why's that?

- It is silent when full. - And you're silent about everything but logic, Spakky!

Hey, level with me, why are your ears so pointy?

Hmm? Did you father pull them when you were a kid?

On Vulcan, everybody has ears like mine, Mr. Tourist.

So, if people in your country have long ears, what are the donkeys there like?

- We don't have donkeys! - Really?

We have too many donkeys. And too much sand. You wouldn't believe it.

- Our blood is green. - Green? - Yes.

- Brother Spak, never eat dairy. - Why?

You'll be green and white like the Vefa Football Club jersey!

And then you'll never score!

I do not understand anything you say, Mr. Tourist. Remember, logic is our priority.

- Huh? Our first priority is food! - What?

Zzzt! La la la la la... Whatcha writin' there, Spakky?

Yeoman Janice?

Yes, Kaptan?

- Babysit Mr. Tourist for a bit. - Yes, Sir.

- Why don't you come with me? - Where to?

- To the botany center. - Sure, just a minute.

Smell ya later, Mr. Spak of the pointy ears. Before I go, look at my hand and tell me my fortune.

Pardon me?

Zzzt! Tralala lala la la...

Look, why don't we go to a movie instead of the flower garden?

I couldn't think of another way to save you, Mr. Spak.

Answering Mr. Tourist's questions is harder than the toughest calculus I have studied.

Kaptan...

...what does "zzzt" mean?

I don't know. You should ask the computer.

What is "zzzt?"

What is "zzzt," computer?

What is "zzzt," computer?

He's driven the computer mad.

What's this place?

The nursery.

So where are the children?

These are my children.

- These are your children? - Yes!

Bless you, they must have been difficult to birth, especially the cacti.

We cultivate them ourselves.

- Who's the father? - Mr. Spak.

What a Spak he is.

- You two are an item, huh? He likes plants, not me.

- So what do you two do?\ We tend to the flowers.

You tend the flowers. May God tend to you!

I'll tend to you, you'll feel great!

I'll help you salt them.

Ah, Mr. Tourist, you're hilarious!

I was a monster, now I'm funny?

I don't understand?

I think you're a pretty attractive lady...

Ok, this is too much salt.

Pepper, now?

Time to feed them.

- What's that? Meat? How can a flower eat meat?!

Yes, this flower eats meat.

- Let me try. - Keep your hands away!

- Why? - It'll tear your fingers off.

- Let me see. - I said keep away!

Why'd you slap me?

What're you doing, man?

This guy's been smoking some of your weird flowers, bless him.

Thank you. God bless you.

- That's Ensign Green. - Call him whatever, he's weird.

It's nervous. It detects something strange!

Ensign Green! He's gone.

I'm outta here, sister. This is a madhouse.

The ensign's here, they go crazy. He leaves, they calm down.

Eat now, you need your strength.

There, there you go!

Hey look, a distraction!

Ears! Ears! Brother Spak, there was this flower, and Ensign Green...

- I'm busy, Mr. Tourist.

- He was white, then black! I said I'm busy!

Kaptan, brother Kaptan! He was white, then became black, and licked the girl...

Please, Mr. Tourist, go sit down.

Doctor, brother. There was this flower, then the ensign came in, and left, and became black...

- Things like this just happen in space. - He changed! - Sit down and rest.

I guess you were right, Mr. Tourist!

I'm always right, but nobody ever listens to me.

You just stand there and shrug, yet I'm supposed to be the crazy one?

Kaptan, she's dead!

She us dead. And with red stains!

Call Dr. McCoy, quick!

Dr. McCoy, report to deck seven!

Dr. McCoy, deck seven please!

Kaptan, logic dictates the killer is someone on this ship.

- Begin a search. - Yes, Kaptan.

Doctor, why don't you inspect the body?

Same as before. Drained of salt.

We must get the Professor. Prepare to beam down.

Look, you didn't believe me. She's now lying there, dead.

Mr. Tourist, you're coming with us.

Yeah, I'm not sticking around here.

Come on, march! Go on, flower girl.

Kaptan's log, supplemental. We're now sure our crew is bring targeted by an alien killer.

A killer among us, capable of changing shape and identity.

Only Professor and Madame Krater know what's really going on.

We're back here again, so quickly?! How?

The breakdown, transmission, and reassembly of your atoms.

Who taught you to talk this jive?

- Look around, and inform me if you find anything suspicious. - Yes, sir.

- Mr. Tourist, sit there and wait for us. - There? - Yes!

Fine, I'll park my ass here, sit like a statue, and wait.

Why don't you leave? I gave you the murderer.

Professor, I'm Kaptan Kirk. The game's up. Mr. Tourist is neither a murderer nor a monster.

Where's the real killer?

Spak, we need your strength to open this!

Did the Professor sic that monster on us?

Coupled with his flight, that's the most logical assumption.

We've got to catch him quickly, Spak.

- Jim! - What is it Mr. Spak?

Green returned to the ship after his duty was done.

Kirk to Enterprise.

This is the Enterprise. Scotty speaking.

Scotty, there's an alien io the ship. Possibly in the guise of Ensign Green.

Lock down all decks.

Security plan Gamma.

But first, recover the body of Ensign Green.

Kirk out.

Where's the Doctor?

On the other side of the hill, Kaptan.

Let's move out.

Doctor?

- Doctor, did you see anything? - No, Kaptan, and you?

We found Ensign Green's body.

Ensign Green?

There's an imposter aboard the ship.

We must be very careful. I believe the Professor is trying to kill us.

Maybe he just wants to scare us away.

The killer is here or on the ship.

And can take anyone's form at any time.

It takes others' forms to blend in, and take what it needs.

Give it to him! Salt!

- Why? - Then it will have what it needs!

A good idea, though illogical.

What about our dead comrades?

- Don't argue, let's find the Professor. - Yes, Kaptan.

A dame!

Peace be with you!

This is how you greet visitors?

What are you doing?

Offering me a ritual tongue bath?

Let me try.

First tell me what you're into, then go ahead and do whatever you want with me!

- You're getting handsy! - Spak speaking.

Spak speaking.

- What'd you say? - Spak speaking.

- What? - Answer me!

Damn. Just a minute.

Stop, girl! Don't you see, Ears is calling.

Get off my back, man! I'm cool!

- Are you alright, Mr. Tourist?

Don't bother me during business hours! Can't you see I'm busy?

Go on, girl.

Do it again.

My turn!

Mr. Tourist!

Now give me a nibble on the arm.

If you like leg, I've got that too.

Go on.

Enough with my face, go downtown!

Where are you going? We were having a licking party!

Spak!

- Tu'pa! - You missed me?

What are you doing here?

I came from beyond the stars for you.

Come on, this talking box has become a serious problem for me. Come on!

You're dead!

I was dead for others, I always live for you!

Brother Spak, she lies! She was someone else a minute ago, now she's pointy-eared!

Man, I don't want to know where that was stuck...

Hi operator, get me Kaptan Kirk!

Yes, I said Kirk. What?

What? Get off the line, man. I'm calling Kaptan Kirk.

Spak, back off. I'll shoot the girl.

Be careful.

Take cover!

Spak, protect me!

Step aside, Spak! For God's sake, this is the first time I've been violent to a woman.

Don't touch her.

If you'd prefer, I can shoot her with your gun instead?

- Spak! - Brother Kirk!

I said, don't touch her.

Kill them, Spak!

Why'd you hit me?!

What are you doing, Mr. Spak?

Spak?

Hey girl, where are you going?

Ah, Doctor?

Where did the girl go?

Ears and the Kaptan are fighting now!

The girl escaped.

Look, is she back there?

- No one's back there. - Relax, Mr. Tourist.

- Bro, the girl! - We're against a vicious monster.

Let's look for it, stick together.

Look for it? We're looking for trouble.

Wait for me!

Let's see, Kaptan Kirk...

My android warriors will remove you from my planet.

Kaptan!

Nice throw, eh?

Hi-yahhhhhh!

Oh boy, the mutant gymnasts are here. Let's go, freak boys!

Where did you send the robots?

So you've come back to me?

I asked you something!

To Kirk and Spak.

- Call them off. - No!

I'll do whatever it takes to drive them away.

I want them to stay.

I need the salt from their bodies.

Call them off!

Too late.

One at a time! I'll take you all!

You're all going down, I swear!

Don't shout, mister!

You've made this a dogfight pit!

Back off!

Step off, uggos!

You can still save them! Turn the robots against one another.

My only desire is to remove them from my planet.

Then I'll do it!

Are you asses afraid of us? You'd rather hit each other?

Come on, take me!

Push that lever back.

- Will you shoot me? - Yes!

I won't hesitate to injure you, to save our paradise together!

Don't you understand? I need their salt!

If you eat them, the entire Federation fleet will come here!

More humans, more salt!

We can't fight them all! We will die!

It's easier to drive the Enterprise away. Reverse the lever!

Come back! Come back!

Oh man, they're aggravated again!

Look at that bugger!

Now I'll deal with you!

I'll blast you with this television laser whatever machine! Bye bye, bros!

You can all fight each other now!

Dammit, wrong button. They're still attacking my friends!

Let's try this lever!

Each other, man! Fight each other!

Run, guys!

Ok, now the other way!

Wait, don't leave me behind!

If they hadn't turned on each other, we'd be dead.

- This is Kaptan Kirk. - This is Scotty speaking, Kaptan!

Kaptan, Ensign Green is not on the ship!

But there's something else...

Dr. McCoy is here!

Dr. McCoy is on the ship?

Yes, we found him unconscious.

Then the McCoy with us is a fake.

- The monster. - I'm the monster?!

Doctor, come down right now! No time to explain.

- Any other orders, Kaptan? - Stay in contact, and be careful. Kirk out.

- What now, Kaptan? - We find the fake McCoy.

Freeze, Professor!

Where's the fake Doctor, Professor?

- So you know that he's not real! - Yes, now tell us your other secrets!

Get off my planet!

Leave us alone!

Jim? Spak?

Where's your wife, Professor? The monster.

My wife died two years ago!

The being you saw is the last of a dying race.

Going extinct?

Yes. It needs salt to live.

They once had a great civilization, destroyed by environmental change.

It's only trying to survive.

This is the end for us both.

Where is it now?

- On the hunt. - What?

- We must catch it before it kills again. - Agreed, Kaptan.

Spak, take the Professor into custody.

Acting Kaptan's log, Commander Scott recording.

No further news from Kaptan Kirk on the surface.

We remain on alert for the unidentified monster.

We were correct, the monster has assumed the Doctor's identity.

Jim? Spak?

Jim?

- Leonard! Help me, darling! - What is it, Nancy?

They'll kill me!

I'm scared!

- Leonard, I'm scared. They'll kill me! - Calm down, Nancy! Calm down!

- Leonard, I'm so scared. - Calm down.

- Protect me, Leonard! - Step aside, Doctor!

What're you doing, Jim?

- She's not Nancy. She's the monster. She killed four people. - He's lying!

- Are you nuts, Jim? - Doctor, she's the salt creature!

- That's not true! - Nancy, look, salt!

Salt!

Come, Nancy. Come and take it. You need it!

- You're scaring her, Jim. - That's not fear! That's hunger!

- Look at her! - Leonard, if you love me, keep him away from me!

- Jim, you're scaring her. - Come on, Nancy! Salt! That's what you want.

What'd you do, McCoy? What are you doing, Doctor?

- Shoot her, Doctor! She'll kill the Kaptan, shoot her! - No!

- Shoot, Doctor! - I can't lose Nancy again!

Is this Nancy, Doctor?

Leonard! Don't do it. Don't kill me.

Stop!

Forgive me!

- I'm sorry, Doctor. - The monster was always among us.

Ears, Ears! Here's the monster! This guy is the monster.

- He's not the monster. - Yes he is!

Don't be afraid, Mr. Tourist. The monster is dead!

The monster is dead, but you're alive. Everyone is afraid of you, Spak!

Spak!

Wait, are you making me take a shower?! I can take a hint.

We're sending you back to Earth with it.

Come on, how can this do that?

We beam your particulate energy through space and time.

Bro, I don't like this. I'd rather take a cab. Is there a taxi stand nearby?

Stand by to energize.

- Don't move, Mr. Tourist. - Okey-doke...

Brothers, I thank you all muchly. God bless you.

But can I convince Kaptan Kirk to be my guest under my humble roof sometime? - "Humble roof?"

- Yes, humble roof. - Meaning?

- Don't you know? Ask the compyootah! - Take your place, Mr. Tourist.

- Don't sweat the roof issue. - Take your position, Mr. Tourist.

Ok, ok.

- Don't move. - I won't move.

Energize!

Wait, wait a second. Let's say goodbye to each other. Come here, dear Doctor.

Have a lot of patients.

And have a lot fun, Kaptan.

Oh, dear friend Ears!

I'll never forget you.

Come on, mister. Let me kiss you one more time.

One more kiss! Let's see what happens.

- Oh, dear friend. I've never had a Vulcan pal. - Mr. Tourist.

- Please give me your hand. - Sure!

- Zzzt. - Ah, man, ah!

He got that from me! At the last minute.

Anyway, I have to go.

- Come on, beam me down. - Goodbye, Mr. Tourist. - Energize.

Thought you could get away?

Brother Spak! Ears!

Wait, wait! Don't touch me. Brother Ears, save me!

- What is it? - Look at those ears!

Brother Spak, what a man you are. You turned me into Ears, too.

You didn't just gave me your ears, you gave me your abilities, too! God bless you!

I'll live on here, illogically!

Shall I scare them now?

Look, all of them are scared except the bride. Thank you, Brother Spak.

Thanks a lot, Ears. Greetings mixed with my love from Kasimpasa. Goodbye.

- Mr. Tourist won't forget you, Mr. Spak. - He was a most illogical man.

He gave you a difficult time, Mr. Spak.

But he was a good man, Doctor.

- Prepare to leave orbit, Mr. Spak. - Let's go.

- Take us out of here, helm. - Yes, sir.

- Warp factor 2! - Warp factor 2!