Original subtitles

Life. It's literally all we have.

But is it any good? I'm a reviewer.

But I don't review food, books, or movies.

I review life itself.

Aah!

Aah!

_

Synced and corrected by LittleDuck www.addic7ed.com

Hello, and welcome to another episode of "Review,"

television's only show, as far as I'm concerned,

and certainly the only one anybody needs.

A.J., I'm ready for my next review.

Okay.

It's an e-mail from Wally in Chicago, Illinois.

- Chicago. - He writes,

"The first I heard of cryogenics

was when Walt Disney had himself put on ice after he died.

But now I see it everywhere.

Can you review cryogenics?"

Cryogenics, that's, uh...

That's being frozen.

If it was me, I wouldn't do it.

Ah, yes.

Well, it isn't you.

And I do whatever is asked of me,

- no matter what that is. - You really do.

So, Wally, you'd like to know what cryogenics is like.

Let's find out.

Oh, my God.

Oh, boy.

My initial research into cryogenic freezing

revealed the alarming enormity of this request.

Here's the problem. Uh, it's not currently possible

to thaw out a frozen person and bring them back to life.

And nobody knows when it will be.

They did it for "Captain America."

- Did they? - Yeah.

But he's a cartoon character.

How could this be? Oh, my God!

Was I really going to be frozen to death

and left like that for centuries?

That was inconceivable.

But then again, this show had brought me

to the brink of death so often.

I will end you!

I'm definitely gonna die. Aah!

Oh, God. I'm gonna die!

Aah! Oh, my God!

[Bleep]

Perhaps it was just a matter of time before "Review"

actually stopped my heart, possibly forever.

- What's the matter now? - Oh, boy.

He agreed to be cryogenically frozen.

- Now he's having a whole thing. - I don't even understand this.

I mean, would anybody even do this to me?

Yeah. They will.

- Are you serious? - I'll make an appointment.

Jesus.

That night, as I struggled

with the insanity of this review,

I considered that this show had always miraculously spared me

so that I could go on living life

in order to review it.

And I prayed my show would save me again.

I wrote letters to my wife and son,

which I entrusted to my intern for delivery.

Good-bye, Mr. MacNeil.

I'll try to live as long as I can

so I can help you out in the future.

I would like that.

I arrived for my cryogenics appointment in a fearful daze.

Hi, I'm Forrest MacNeil.

And I'm here to be cryogenically frozen.

Yep. You're all set.

Upon reviewing this footage,

it became clear that I had missed important clues

as to what was really going on at this facility.

- This way. - How I wish I had read that sign.

No doubt, it would have done much to alleviate my fear.

I've left instructions that, when I am thawed out,

the show will continue

so that I can review being frozen,

to live again in the future.

- I'm ready! - Great.

Farewell to the early 21st century life

of Forrest MacNeil, reviewer of life!

Asking my crew to wait aeons

for my rebirth seemed unfair.

So I had instructed them to leave once my journey began.

I am sorry to say that the overwhelming terror

of being enveloped in below-freezing temperatures

caused me to lose consciousness.

[Beeping]

Which may explain why I left that chamber certain

that I had been suspended in ice for centuries.

I was astounded to be alive.

Oh, my God.

Still foggy from my time in the ice,

I stumbled out into the unknown word of tomorrow.

My clothes, fashionable when I bought them,

now seemed totally out of place.

What's worse, in my own time,

I was highly proficient with technology.

But now, I feared I would surely be lost.

How is that possible?

Remind me to call Francois.

Okay. I'll remind you.

And as I tuned into the conversations around me,

though the words were being spoken in English,

I no longer recognized my language.

It's basically a meme aggregator.

I read about it on the TIL subreddit,

a lot of uploads.

"How," I wondered, "Would I ever find a way to function

in this strange, new world?"

And then, I was struck by the horrible realization

that the love of my life and our darling son

had lived out years of their lives without me.

Why had I abandoned them

forever to review this experience?

What a tragic mistake.

Perhaps they were still alive.

Maybe I could find them and be with them again.

Oh, my God.

What?

You look just like someone I used to know.

What are you...

Mr. MacNeil, what are you talking about?

- Josh? - Yeah.

I just dropped off the letters like you asked me to.

How long have I been gone?

Um, zero hours and 45 minutes.

- I've just been gone for 45 minutes? - Yeah.

Are you serious?

- Yeah. - This experience

was clearly not what I had thought it was.

That means Suzanne and Eric are still alive, right?

I just saw 'em, so probably.

And yet, my journey through cryogenics

had brought me to a new and different place.

- Forrest, what is this? - Forget it, never mind.

That's nothing. I didn't do it. Forget it.

- You didn't do it? - No, I didn't do it.

- You refused a review? - Well, uh, no.

I went to this cryogenics place in the strip mall.

But I guess I was just frozen for a few minutes.

The cryo-freeze place?

But my mom got a coupon there for a skin treatment.

You thought they were gonna freeze you to death?

- Yeah. - And you were gonna do it

for some stupid [bleep] review?

Yes. I was, okay.

- Good-bye, Forrest. - No, no, no, no!

This is important! Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

I realized something when I thought that you

and Eric had been dead for a thousand years.

- Forrest... - I... No, I realized

that you're right, okay?

There is nothing that I could

possibly have shared with the world

about being frozen that would have been worth

never seeing the two of you again, nothing.

And it feels so great to realize that, okay?

You know, Forrest,

I want you to remember this feeling.

And I want you to think really carefully about Th...

About this.

You understand?

Yeah.

- Take these. - I will take it, yes.

Whole-body cryotherapy is a new fitness

and/or beauty trend,

which, by the way, has no proven benefits.

It doesn't involve being suspended in time

for hundreds of years.

I give cryogenics two stars.

Darnell from Sandy Springs, Georgia.

Beautiful.

He writes, "My uncle was struck by lightning,

and he's never been able to tell us what it was like

because he doesn't understand words anymore.

What's it like to be struck by lightning?"

Oh, boy. Uh...

Darnell, thank you for trusting me

with this very important question.

What is it like to be struck by lightning?

Forrest, what are you doing?

This was a good question,

especially in light of my cryogenics experience.

Wow, okay. But that review lead

to an encouraging conversation with my ex-wife.

Who knew what being struck by lightning might bring?

There is a 90% chance

that someone who is struck by lightning will survive.

But that is less than 100%.

And so I have decided to send letters

to Suzanne and Eric

just in case.

"I will be frozen to death." No, I won't.

The rest applies.

There is a 10% chance that I won't see you again.

I hope you feel that I've been as good a boss...

Whoa!

My staff and I traveled to El Mirage, Arizona,

the nearest town with a storm watch in effect.

We had a very smart plan in place.

We've tied together three telescoping flagpoles,

giving us 75 feet of aluminum

stretching way up into the heavens.

It's the highest object around for a long ways,

and I am tied to it with copper wire.

You only have about a one-in-a-million chance

of getting struck by lightning.

But then again, that statistic only applies to people

who are not actively trying to get struck

by lightning, which I am!

20 minutes later, I had had no luck.

- I think the worst part of it is over. - Yeah.

Hey, where was that storm for tomorrow night?

Uh, Houston.

Houston. Houston, Texas.

Well, we may be racking up

the frequent flyer miles on this one, but...

Oh, my God! Mr. MacNeil!

Hold on!

Amazingly, I had done it.

As my body convulsed with pain,

it was clear that I was being killed by lightning.

Oh, my God!

[Bleep] Ow! Ow!

Oh, my God!

[Bleep]

In what I believed were my final moments on Earth,

I thought of my family and of my skeleton,

which may have been on fire.

Darnell, your uncle's experience

of being struck by lightning was terrible.

While I regret the loss of my sense of smell,

which I really hope is temporary,

and I'm very saddened by the many broken bones

suffered by my intern, Josh, that demonstration

of nature's power was very inspiring to me.

So all in all,

I give being struck by lightning

two and a half stars.

All right, A.J. What's next, please?

Sometimes it's really tough to press this button, Forrest.

Well, I believe in you, A.J. You can do it.

The next request comes to us from Suzanne

in Los Angeles, California.

Really? Hey, whoa, wait a minute.

I'm recording this right after you wrote me

that you were trying to get struck by lightning.

If you're seeing this, it means you're still alive

and there's still time for me

to do what I feel like I have to do.

I have a review request.

What's it like to spend the rest of your life

not reviewing anything?

Just do your job and see what that's like.

And be a part of your son's life.

But, Forrest, I want to be clear.

If you do not do this request,

you will never see me or Eric again.

Okay, you're welcome.

Oh, my God.

_

Forrest, I can't believe it.

I can't believe that either.

I guess this is the end of "Review."

I think it may be the end of "Review."

Look what she did for me there. That's...

That's love.

That is love.

I'm gonna miss you.

I'm gonna miss you.

Well, ah...

a very interesting turn of events,

I would have to say.

Uh, the woman I married

has just stepped in to extricate me from,

um, my rather extreme job.

What is it like to spend the rest of my life

not reviewing anything?

I'm gonna walk out that door and have

that experience.

Uh, but before I do,

I think I need to have a quick conversation

with our producer, Grant.

I don't know. Forrest, I don't think you need to do that.

No, of course, I need to. You know, I mean,

he obviously gives me so much great advice in general.

I don't want to just go out there and do this

without talking to Grant.

Grant, are you here, Grant?

- Yes. - Oh, hi.

I don't know if you saw that.

- But, uh... - Remarkable, huh?

Yeah.

This is how it ends? I love it.

- You do? - I do.

I mean, you could veto it. The veto booth is right there.

But why would you?

Forrest, you can go back to your family.

I mean, part of me will be sad

because your reviews have been phenomenal this season.

Yes. Yeah.

When they told me I would never walk again,

I said, "You know what? That's nothing,

because I saw a man run into the arms of death,

and he was spared by a miracle to do great

and crucial work in the world."

Am I curious about

what reviews Forrest MacNeil would do in the future

if you veto this? Of course.

Would you eventually do a review

that would blow all your other work out of the water?

Of course.

But seriously, go, please.

Spend a couple of good years

hanging out with your boy before he goes to college...

and then doesn't want to see you anymore.

- Right. - Yeah.

Or you could make him proud of you

for the rest of his life.

I guess that's the choice.

It's a hard one.

Do you think I have work left to do?

Only you can answer that, Forrest.

Okay.

Okay.

A.J., I will now veto this review!

- No! - Yes.

Forrest, wait! Grant, initiate the protocol.

Are you certain you wish to veto this review?

Yes, I am.

Are you certain you wish to veto this review?

Yes, I am.

Are you certain you wish to veto this review?

Yes, I am.

You may veto this review.

Thank you, Grant.

Spending the rest of your life not reviewing anything...

Vetoed!

What a horrible decision to have to make, good Lord.

But it had to be done

because I was put on the Earth to do this.

So, Suzanne, if you're watching,

first of all, thank you.

Uh, but listen, not all the reviews are life-threatening.

So everything's gonna be fine.

Okay, A.J., what's my next review?

I don't feel like it.

You don't feel like it? What do you mean you don't...

We've got time for another review.

You forget that I have done your job.

I know how to use your information pad.

Look at this. See that?

Ah. I can do... Okay.

It's a webcam from Phil in Melbourne.

Hey, Forrest, how come you've never reviewed

being hit by a car?

It's weird.

Anyway, what's it like to be pranked?

Oh, see that? Look at that.

You were so afraid.

That's a great one.

It looks like April Fools' has come a bit early this year.

What do you think of that?

Nothin'?

Ah, well, here I go to get pranked.

This should be a fun one, right?

At first, being pranked appeared

to be just the assignment I needed after

the emotionally exhausting experience

of vetoing my ex-wife's request.

But then I realized that since I can't prank myself,

this had the potential to be uniquely challenging.

- Hi. - Hello, Grant.

Well, I should talk to you about something.

This is very difficult in light of recent events,

but I'm just gonna cut to the chase

and tell you what I just learned.

What is it?

"Review" has, uh, been canceled.

What?

Did you just tell me that "Review" has been canceled?

Afraid so.

No. That can't be true. No, Grant, Grant.

No.

I know.

They can't do that. Nobody can do that.

You can't do... You don't do that.

You can't do that, Grant!

Hey, listen to me.

What you are saying now cannot happen.

[Bleep] no! Are you [bleep] kidding me?

- I wish I were. - I just [bleep] vetoed

that thing from Suzanne trying to get me out of there

because you [bleep] told me to!

[Bleep] no! Get back on the [bleep] phone,

and you tell them, "No.

If you do this, the host will [bleep] kill himself.

We're doing more of this. Absolutely not."

I'm in the middle of a review right now.

I mean, we're in the middle of doing this.

We're in the middle of doing it.

Grant's prank was a true masterpiece of the form.

Grant, that was...

That was a little too good.

The most impressive thing about it was that it took me,

a man who was waiting to be pranked,

completely by surprise.

Okay. I know that you're doing

a segment on being pranked right now.

But this is actually real.

Why would they cancel "Review"? I feel like an idiot.

Well, it's the ratings. They're really bad.

Haven't you noticed how few questions we've been getting?

You're still doing it?

Your ex-wife asked a question.

That's how few submissions we're getting.

I want you to know that I did not take this lying down.

Okay.

Even though they're bumping me upstairs

to be a vice-president of the network,

I fought for you.

I guess people just didn't care for the show as much as we did.

You really thought it through, too.

My God. Thank you.

Okay.

This is a very nice touch. Oh, my God.

The best pranks involve multiple people

bolstering one another's ridiculous deceptions.

- Hello. - Hi.

And this was a truly great prank.

Oh, boy. We're really sorry.

About what?

About the show getting canceled.

Ah, yes. Poor "Review" getting canceled.

What will become of the two of you?

Well, A.J. got a new show. Ah.

- It's a travel show. - Oh.

Yeah. So she's gonna actually take us with her

and take us around the world.

And she's going to pay us.

- Yes, got it. - It's kind of amazing.

Yes, that is. That is.

I don't want to go around the world.

I don't want to get paid.

I just want to work for Mr. MacNeil.

It's...

Josh endured what must have been excruciating pain

for the purpose of this joke.

And for that, I salute him.

- What are you doing? - I think he's trying to hug you.

As you would in the case

of a cancellation of the show, yes.

I love you more than my dad.

Okay, best male intern in a drama.

My staff had impressed me in innumerable ways.

But their dedication to helping me

with my review of being pranked was unprecedented...

Here we go. And totally wonderful.

Have you got a farewell speech for me, Lucy?

Um...

Thank you.

This is actually the easiest job I've ever had.

Is that right?

Yeah. I've written three erotic novels

under the name Beverly LaFontaine

if you want to check 'em out.

Thank you for letting me know that.

We'll have to find more for you to do in the future.

Oh, you're in denial. Okay.

This should make this go smoother.

I am not a very sentimental person,

but, um...

I'm glad you got out of this dumb show alive.

Mmm, yes.

She's really leaving.

Three days into this prank,

I began to wonder just how far this conspiracy

of silliness extended.

Had my ex-wife and son been roped into the fun, as well?

But there was no way of knowing,

because when I stopped by their house,

no one was home.

As the week came to a close, this prank revealed itself

to be fantastically elaborate.

Uh. Oh, God.

This just goes on and on and on.

"Now you can review what it's like to be pranked.

Love, Josh and Tina."

That's a bit of a hat on a hat.

But Josh and Tina were right.

I could certainly review what it was like to be pranked.

And it keeps getting better because look who's not here...

A.J. Gibbs. She's also playing along,

off to do her travel show, I guess.

Ah, it is a total delight

to see everyone in my world

working together to improvise a kind of a comic play.

Though I did feel a bit foolish at first,

I mostly feel very fortunate to be surrounded

by people who care enough about me and my work

to go to such great lengths.

Now, if I have one criticism, it's that this prank

was really not all that believable,

because what kind of a universe

would be cruel enough to allow "Review"

to be canceled right after I chose it over my family?

Come on.

But all in all,

I give being pranked five really fun stars.

That's all the time we have for "Review"

See you next time.

Sync and corrected by LittleDuck www.addic7ed.com