Original subtitles

Life. It's literally all we have.

But is it any good? I'm a reviewer.

But I don't review food, books or movies.

I review life itself.

Aah!

Aah!

Sync and corrections by explosiveskull www.addic7ed.com

Hello! And knock, knock!

Oh, cute! Who's there?

Forrest MacNeil. And to my left is A.J. Gibbs.

What's my first review?

"Forrest MacNeil. And to my left is A.J. Gibbs.

What is my first review?" who?

What?

What?

I have no idea what just happened.

But please, press the button.

The first review comes from Juanita in Madrid, Iowa.

Hi! Juanita Morales here, licensed electrician.

Check me out on Yelp, four and a half stars.

Check her out on what?

I'd like to know, what's it like to be a co-host?

Oh, interesting! Hmm.

What is it like to be a co-host?

Of what, I wonder?

As there are a few different ways of approaching the...

- What are you doing? - Go hit the button!

- What? - Yeah. You go back there.

And you hit the button.

- You're a co-host! - Right.

I could be a co-host right here!

- Uh-huh. - Oh, terrific.

Uh, well, Juanita, off I go to be a co-host!

Uh-huh!

- Don't have to travel very far. - Nope!

It's right over here. Okay, good.

Sit right here.

- Well, Forrest... - Yes?

what's my first review?

I don't know.

Please, press the button.

Oh, yes! Right. Ah.

As co-host, I will press the button.

Uh, yeah! Okay, a cartoon bubble

has popped up to say that we have a webcam

from somebody named Mork in Loris, South Carolina.

Mork? That's an unusual name.

- Hey, this is Mark. - Ah.

What's it like to slap a stranger's ass?

- Well, you know, Mork... - Thank you, Mark! And cute beanie!

that request does sound a bit silly.

- What are you doing? - Well, here I go to find out

what it's like to slap a stranger's ass.

Oh, I see. Well, yeah.

But not really. A.J.? A.J.?

You're not really gonna do... You can't do that.

Can you stop for a second? 'Cause that's not a good idea.

A.J.? A.J., you're not a life reviewer.

So please don't go... I should do it.

A.J.?

A.J.

This assignment had gone from frivolous

to deeply concerning, as A.J. Gibbs,

who is totally unqualified to do my job,

headed out into the world to review a life experience

that was meant for me.

But what was I supposed to do?

I've never thought much about what A.J. does

or ever spoken to her about her duties,

if, in fact, she has duties.

I have no idea.

So I explored the world behind "Review" for clues

about the co-host's life...

Oh, hey! I didn't know if you wanted A.J.'s lunch.

...and sought guidance from our staff.

Maybe you can help me with something. I'm trying to figure out, uh, what to do.

Can you tell me, what does A.J. usually do when I'm out reviewing things?

I think she just hangs out with friends.

She has a lot of friends.

Oh, okay. Thank you!

As I explored her surprisingly large dressing room,

I began to learn more about A.J. Gibbs...

That must be her dad.

...and her freewheeling lifestyle.

Hanging out at the beach and skiing, hmm.

A.J.'s job clearly occupied a small place in her life.

As a reviewer of life,

my role in the world is crucial.

How could anyone do something as trivial as co-hosting?

Yes, I did kill that man in self-defense

in order to defend myself. It occurred to me

that since A.J.'s lack of responsibilities allowed her

to take care of personal business, I could do the same.

I used my time to rehearse testimony for my upcoming murder trial.

I killed that man in order to defend myself in self-defense.

I was currently facing life in prison

without the possibility of parole as a result

of last season's review of killing a person...

...in which a person was killed.

I wish he hadn't tried to kill me.

He might be here in this courtroom right now.

Except that we wouldn't be in the courtroom

because no one would've been murdered.

And I would not be... No, don't say, "murdered."

Ah, good question. Half a star.

A murderer who wanted to murder somebody

would probably have given the experience

more than half a star, maybe even five stars.

- I give... - Come on, Forrest, A.J.'s back.

- Already? - Yes. Got to get you changed.

What do you mean, get me changed?

The co-host doesn't wear the same thing for the intro and the outro, so...

A.J. changes clothes?

A.J.'s surprisingly quick completion of her assignment

meant that there was precious little time

to understand the experience of being a co-host.

I don't hate it.

But the bow tie's slowing the momentum.

- What? - Try this.

And for some reason, much of that time

would be spent trying to improve on the perfectly acceptable outfit

I usually wear.

- Fine, right? - Oof.

You should never wear gray with that skin tone.

It's almost as bad as tan.

- Try this. - And give me those glasses.

- They're at war with your face. - Yeah, and winning.

- You're on in 2. - Ridiculous.

As with A.J., this would be my first opportunity

to see the host's work.

- A.J... - Love the suit! Tom Ford?

I don't know. Do you really change outfits for every review?

- Yay, here we go. - Here we go!

I was nervous, both for her and my show.

I set out to find a stranger with an ass that I could slap.

She works out.

As I studied these random asses,

I thought about what our asses tell the world about us.

Watching A.J.'s review on the monitor

was an anxious and uncomfortable experience.

...a kind patient, understanding person.

How I wished I could jump into the screen

and take my rightful place, slapping the ass of a stranger.

But as co-host, my job was to do absolutely nothing.

And so I did.

But would it be right to exploit a human being

in this way just to see what it feels like?

Also, I thought it would be respectful to check in with my boyfriend.

How would he feel about me slapping a stranger's ass?

Does it matter if it's a man or a woman?

Uh-huh.

My thoughts exactly. I love you, too.

Thinking about others instead of just myself allowed me

to learn something I will never forget.

What... What happened?

What... That's not it. Is that it?

- Yeah. - No.

Slapping a stranger's ass would have made me disrespect someone I knew,

someone I didn't know, and someone

I just got to know a little bit better... me.

But you didn't, uh, do it. You didn't do it.

- Right. - The assignment is,

well, you've got to slap a stranger's ass!

You didn't slap a stranger... You didn't do it!

How are you gonna give it stars?

Who cares how many stars slapping a stranger's ass would get?

Who cares how many stars? That's the whole point of it!

If you don't want to do something, you can veto it, right?

But you've got to do that before you leave the studio!

I guess you don't, 'cause I didn't.

Slapping a stranger's ass... I didn't do it.

No. That's not a...

In my time as co-host, I felt rudderless and insignificant.

But I am thankful for the experience

because it reaffirmed that my rightful place in the world

is out in it issuing life reviews

instead of watching someone else botch them.

- No offense. - I'm not offended.

Being a co-host gets half a star.

- If you say so. - I do.

Oh, I cannot wait to get back out there and review something!

What is next, A.J.?

An e-mail from Mamma Carlotta.

Mamma Carlotta?

"When my son complains about his miserable life

as a carnival attraction, I tell him he's had it easy.

Will you please show my boy, Johnny, The Human Hamster,

what real adversity looks like?

What's it like to be Helen Keller?"

- You're kidding! - Oh!

What is it like to be Helen Keller?

Fascinating. What a great question.

I think I know all I need to begin this assignment right now.

- Right now? - Yes.

I am going to find out what it is like to be blind

and also deaf and also mute.

She couldn't speak.

Off I go to be Helen Keller!

- Oh! Forrest! Forrest! - Ohh! Ow! Ah!

- Are you okay? - I can't hear you.

Do you need help?

You don't want help?

Should've used a veto for this one.

Tons of vetoes over there.

As I set out on this journey,

I hoped to foster a greater understanding of disabilities

by thoughtfully and sensitively

exploring the experience of being Helen Keller.

For centuries, this brave woman

had been the butt of tasteless jokes.

That would end today.

Ow!

By necessity, my office staff would need to play a key role in helping me

- to live as Helen Keller. - Doin' good.

Oh, my gosh. They finally refilled the jelly beans.

- Stop it! - Yellow.

- Give me yellow. - I like the oranges.

Mr. MacNeil. Mr. MacNeil.

Some of their efforts were very much appreciated indeed,

such as this soundproof, lightproof helmet

contraption which allowed me to take my hands off of my ears,

just as Helen Keller would've done.

- Aah! - Aah!

But they made other contributions that were less helpful.

This Victorian-era dress and brown wig, for instance,

may have made me look like Helen.

But they did not make it any easier for me

- to get along in the world. - Oh, I'm sorry.

And Josh and Tina's less-than-perfect efforts

to help me navigate my surroundings made me a nuisance.

- No, don't. Don't! - What's wrong with you?

- Stop. Stop. Stop. - No.

As a disabled person, I needed the people around me

to treat me with kindness and compassion.

And I'm about to quit in three,

two...

I had faith in my office staff to do that.

Okay.

- Upon reviewing the footage... - Shut the door!

Helen, stay in your office!

...I see how wrong I was.

Even though I could not see or hear anything,

I could sense the world losing patience with me.

But still, I needed to communicate.

So, did you guys want to order?

Or do you need some more time?

I tried everything I imagine Helen must have tried...

clapping, charades-style clues...

- He has to pee. - ...guttural moaning.

Surely, one of these tools,

commonly used by the disabled, would do the trick.

Sounds like...

But on a day when I wanted to be taken to see my ex-wife,

I was instead robbed of my shoes.

On a day when I wanted a light snack,

I was instead given a pen.

On a day when I wanted to play catch with my son, Eric,

like I used to, I was instead brought to a drugs party.

And finally, on a day when I wanted to be taken for a stroll outside,

I was troublingly brought to court,

where I was facing trial for murder.

My caretakers had failed me spectacularly.

This was the worst possible time to be deaf, dumb, and blind.

Okay, right.

And what is your relationship with your ex-husband?

I was unable to discuss anything with my lawyer...

He's my ex-husband.

...who made the questionable decision to call my ex-wife as a character witness.

During the time of your marriage,

did he bring you flowers

or pay you compliments?

Um, yes, he did.

He did stuff like that?

Yes.

Oh, well he sounds like a really nice guy,

doesn't he?

No further questions, Your Honor!

While everyone tried to ignore the presence of a grunting visitor

from the 19th century,

Suzanne was asked if she thought I would commit murder for the show.

No, I don't.

He is overly committed to his work,

but he's not so committed that he would actually kill somebody.

Oh, my God.

And then, unbeknownst to me,

my lawyer made an even more perplexing decision.

The defense would like to call Forrest MacNeil.

This way, ma'am.

There we go.

We had always planned for Forrest MacNeil to testify.

- Down. Down! - Down!

My attorney saw no reason to change course,

despite the fact that Forrest MacNeil was now Helen Keller.

Thank you for coming to testify today, Mr. MacNeil.

- I'm gonna cut right to the chase. - There is much Forrest MacNeil

could have said in his own defense.

Is it true that that guy, Ray, attacked you first?

- Indeed it was true. - Mr. MacNeil? Forrest?

Ray, the man who was killed,

was a violent sociopath.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh, god. Can I get out of here?

- Oh, God! - A man who would surely have been

killed somebody someday.

You did this in self-defense. Is that true, Forrest?

Say, "Yes." Just say, "Yes."

The answer was yes.

I had no doubt Ray was beating me to death.

You did this in self-defense. Is that true?

All you have to do is say, "Yes."

Say, "Yes."

But Helen could not answer, even if she had known

she was testifying to save my life.

Okay, Forrest. Come here.

If only my attorney had tried harder to remove my helmet,

or had not called me to stand at all.

Oh! Oh, my God.

Ma'am, sit in your seat,

or I will handcuff you to this chair.

Yeah. I think we got to go back to the seats.

Being in constant need of assistance made it clear

- that in life... - Be careful.

All right. That is good enough for me.

...we are surrounded by people

who do not fully apply themselves to their duties.

As a result, I was not able to exonerate myself.

And "Review," once again,

left my fate in the hands of fate.

Living as Helen Keller was an isolating experience

that required trust, perseverance,

and a high tolerance for minor abrasions.

She was a remarkable woman and, for a little while, so was I.

I give being Helen Keller five stars.

Pretty bad luck that that had to happen during your murder trial, huh?

Oh, that? No. I was acquitted. Not guilty!

- What?! - Yes!

- Really? - Yeah.

Well, why?

Well, I think many of the jurors have probably seen this show

and understand the value of my work.

The district attorney had another explanation.

He said, "It's almost to convict someone

who looks like me for using a gun in America."

I don't know what he means. But anyway, once again,

the mighty hand of the universe has intervened

so that I may continue to do this vitally important work.

All right, A.J. Please tell me

we've got time for another review!

We have time for another review.

- Ha-ha! Do we really? - We do!

Oh, good.

This one's a tweet

from Amos Stellenbosch, location unknown.

- Wow! - Amos tweets, "What is forgiveness?"

Oh, that's a good, heavy one.

Oh. Well, too bad this isn't the assignment you got and then refused to do.

I'm off to experience forgiveness.

I would've done this one.

Who knows? I will, that's for sure.

My ex-wife, Suzanne,

and I had had some regrettable difficulties in recent times,

many of them related to my work for this television show.

This was surely the place to have a meaningful exploration of forgiveness.

- What do you want, Forrest? - Hello.

You know what? I have a review for you.

What's it like to leave me the [bleep] alone?

If you are curious

about that life experience, then I suggest you submit your request

- to through the proper channels. - Oh, my God. Good-bye, Forrest.

And if your random s... Wait! Hey, Suzanne!

I'm reviewing forgiveness!

Okay.

Did you just say you were reviewing forgiveness?

Yes. Yeah.

What's the catch?

There's no catch.

- I don't believe you. - No, really, honestly.

That's... I'm here to review forgiveness.

I can't believe I'm engaging in this,

but I've actually been talking with my therapist

for some months now about forgiveness.

I'd really like to try.

I hate that this is just part of a [bleep] review.

All right then.

Suzanne...

I forgive you.

- Excuse me? - Yeah.

- What did you just say? - Ah.

I forgive you for everything that you said.

- For what? - Well, for everything...

- For what? - For... For what?

Yeah.

I had no idea

what you said about me during my murder trial until I took off my Hel-Kel-met.

- Don't. Nope. - My Helen Keller helmet.

- But when I finally heard... - Mm-hmm.

that you felt like there are all kinds of things that I won't do for my work,

and you said that like that.

"Oh. He's committed, but he's not that committed."

Are you [bleep] kidding me?

All right. I mean, that...

hurt me so much.

But I'm gonna be the bigger person.

- Oh. - And I'm just gonna say,

in the face of some very, very hurtful words,

"I forgive you."

- Okay. - Yes?

No, I talk now.

You divorced me for your television show.

I want a divorce.

You are going to die alone.

You were very largely responsible

for killing my father in outer space.

No! Jack!

- In inner space. - No! It was outer space.

- No. - You slept with me under false pretenses

with a drug-resistant form of gonorrhea!

You allowed Eric and me to believe you had terminal brain cancer.

And then, when I was ready to move on,

you catfished me and got me hooked up with an asshole baseball player

and then humiliated me at my rehearsal dinner.

I was catfishing you, Suzanne.

What? Who are you? What is going on?!

You have vanished for months at a time...

Ah!

...without telling us where you were.

We could only assume that you were dead.

You showed me a photo of your engorged, deformed penis.

- Okay? - Oh, [bleep]!

I don't think that belongs on this list.

Oh. And I just remembered one.

You got charged with murder!

Hey! I get to take a ride in a police car!

Did it ever occur to you, just once, that possibly,

you should be asking me for my forgiveness?

Um...

well, I didn't interpret the assignment that way.

You didn't interpret the assignment that way?

- No. - What I would like to apologize for

is opening the door at all to you.

- No. - And engaging in this insanity.

No, I'm very glad. Listen, listen because...

No, no! Look! Okay?

You are not a person.

You are a malfunctioning robot.

And it's sad, Forrest, because you used to be a person.

You used to do things because you wanted to do them,

not because, "Oh! A stranger said I should take my dick out

and walk all over my ex-wife's front lawn."

Okay. That was not the review request.

I... I was living my dream.

- This is the hand of the universe. - Oh, my God. Do you hear you?

You sound like a lunatic.

I don't think I sound like a lunatic.

- You do, I promise you. - There's no other explanation

- for what's going on... - Oh, my God. Forrest!

...other than the universe is guiding us!

- Wake up! You're crazy! - Listen, listen, listen.

I'll do it the way you want it, because you're right.

I could've interpreted the question a different way,

absolutely.

Forgive me.

- What? - Do it. All the things...

"Do it"? No, I will not. I cannot.

I'm saying, let's do it the way you want to do it!

I won't do it! This review gets zero stars!

Well, you can't give zero stars to something, actually.

Yeah, well, I give zero [bleep].

Oh...

Before literally slamming the door in my face,

Suzanne had raised an interesting thought.

Perhaps I would not fully understand forgiveness

without both forgiving and being forgiven.

Luckily, I had another idea.

My search for forgiveness now led me

to the bedside of my best friend and producer, Grant...

Hey, Grant. Can I have a word with you?

...and some very difficult unfinished business.

Can it wait until morning?

No. I don't think so.

Okay.

I think it's waited too long already.

Do you remember when we fell off that bridge,

and you were paralyzed from the waist down?

Yes.

And it was all my fault?

Yes.

Grant...

I'm asking for your forgiveness.

I forgave you before we even hit the water.

Ah.

That is a huge relief.

That feels great.

I came to realize that you

forgive a person who wronged you,

not to free them from the prison of your anger

but to free yourself.

And you seek forgiveness also to free yourself

and also the person who's forgiving you.

They are also free. But in any case, I am free.

And that is worth four stars.

Well, A.J., please tell me

we have time for one more review.

We have time for one more review.

- Thank you. - No, we don't really.

- Oh, we don't? - No.

Oh. All right.

- Good night. - Good night.

Sync and corrections by explosiveskull www.addic7ed.com

Extra cheese!

The real Helen Keller actually was, like,

burned really badly when she tried to answer the iron.

Why would she answer? She can't hear it.

- Mm-hmm. - She can't talk into it.

And who's calling her?

And wouldn't she know long before it reached her face

that this is no phone?