All language subtitles for How.I.Met.Your.Mother.S02E19.WEBRip.x264-ION10

TED:
It took me a while
to figure out,

but the key to understanding
your Uncle Barney is this.

When times are hard, it's
impossible to keep him around.

Like when your aunt Lily and
Uncle Marshall were broken up.

Hey.

What are you guys talking about?

Lily.

I got to go.

But when times are good,it's
impossible to get rid of him.

What are you guys doing?

We just finished planning
Marshall's bachelor party.

Good, you haven't
started yet.

Let's talk logistics.

Now, have you laid out
ground rules with Lily?

Where you are or
aren't allowed

to touch or be touched?

Show me on Ted.

Actually, we're, uh,

we're thinking
of skipping the strippers.

You... you want to have a party

Mmm.
without strippers.

This was the worse thing
I could have said.

You see, Barney loved
cooking up bachelor parties.

And it was always
the same recipe.

You start with a slightly
cramped hotel suite.

Arrange the chairs
in a circle...

Fill them
with your closest friends.

Turn the heat up to about 90.

Pump in a metric ton
of cigar smoke.

And then, right in the middle
of the room,

you throw in a girl.

But not a beautiful girl--

no, if this girl
was ever beautiful,

it was two kids, three tattoos,

and one pesky
substance abuse problem ago.

Which one of you is Stuart?

Please, I really don't want
to do this.

Shut up,
put in your mouth guard.

(spanking)
TED:
Then she proceeds to do things

(Stuart moaning)
that demean the groom,

herself and really,
the entire human race.

Disgusting.

Ah, horrifying.

Classic.

STUART:
Oh, please,
please, no, no.

I don't want anything
like that happening to me.

Stuart's still trying
to forget that night.

It's my bachelor
party.

We're not having strippers.

Oh, he thinks he
has a say in it.

So, strippers it is!

Now, just, uh,

tell me where
we're going to be

and I'll make
some calls.

I think I can get the
fourth one for free.

Quick question.

Prosthetic arm.
Deal breaker?

Barney, there is...

Before you say no,
it has attachments.

Look, I know you have
some stuff planned

for Marshall's
bachelor party,

but he really doesn't want
strippers.

Yes, he does.

Uh, well, he told me he doesn't.

Uh, well, he told me he does.

When?

Every minute of every day

as his inner animal thrashes
against the cage

of his own puritanical
upbringing.

Or do

you guys not like naked girls.

Um, we love naked girls.

They're one of the

best things in the world.

It goes...

naked girls, democracy,

the scene
in Every Which Way But Loose

where the monkey gives
a guy the finger.

Mm.

We just don't like
your naked girls.

What,
my girls aren't hot enough?

I mean, all right, fine,

the stripper at Stuart's
bachelor party was a 15.

She was 15?

No, a 15.

Like in blackjack.

As in, not sure
whether you'd hit it?

Exactly.

Nice.

This is important to Marshall.

So, promise me, no strippers.

All right, I promise.

I'm serious.

So am I.

No strippers.

Now say it without winking.

No strippers.

You just winked.

No I didn't.

So, when the day arrived,

we all climbed into a rented
Escalade and set out.

Now, every bachelor party
is usually made up

of the same stock characters.

You've got the groom...

the best man...

the guy who speaks only
in clichés...

Dead man walking!

...the guy who disappears
at the beginning of the night

and doesn't show up again
until the end.

All right,

who's up for a little blackjack
before we check in.

No, no, no.
Mm-mmm.
None for me.

See you guys back
at the room, then.

And, of course, well...

Barney.

Every bachelor party
has a Barney.

Oh, what's this?

This car has a DVD player?

You mean,
we could have been watching

these pornos the whole time?

Yeah.
This one's in HD.

This one's in H-double-D.

Oh!

Right about that time,

Robin was showing up
for Lily's wedding shower.

But before we get to that,

let's talk about her gift.

Hey, Barney,

check out what I got Lily
for her shower.

It's kind of racy.

Think you can handle it?

Uh, I've been
in a ten-way.

So, yeah.

It's kind of see-through.

Hmm?
Whoa, ho ho!

You weren't kidding!

You know when you should
give that to her?

1850.

Robin, it's her
bridal shower!

All her friends are
gonna be there,

they're going to
be drinking.

You need to get her
something daring,

something outrageous.

Well, what do you think
I should get her?

There's a store on Eighth Avenue

that specializes in--

how to put this delicately?--

uh, battery-powered, adult-
recreational fake penises.

(giggling)

And so Aunt Robin went
to a store on Eighth Avenue,

and a battery-powered,
adult-recreational...

Well, it was something
inappropriate.

And we're back in.

Robin!
Oh.

Oohh,

I'm so glad
you're here.
Hey.

Come in, I want you
to meet everybody.

Robin,
this is my Grandma Lois

and my Aunt
Oh.

Florence.
Oh, lovely
to meet you,

dear.
Florence.

They put this whole party
together.

Oh!

It's different from
what I expected,

but lovely. Lovely.

And oh, look,

there are little
kids here!

Yeah, my cousins.

Listen, I, uh, I forgot
something somewhere

so I'm going
to just go...

Robin, this is my mom,
Janice.

Oh.
Oh, honey,

Oh.
I'm so glad to
finally meet you.

Me too. I, I've heard
so much about you.

Me, too. Oh, here.

Oh, um...
Let me take
your gift.

Oh...

Can I guess what it is?

Is it a, a, a mini
food processor?

No.

No? Oh.

Oh, give me a hint.
What color is it?

Black.

Well, I guess
I'm just going

to have to wait and see!

Oh, great.

Robin,
Um...

this is my Cousin Margaret.

Oh, finally, someone
our own age!

(giggling)
LILY:
Wait,

do I introduce you
as "Cousin Margaret"

or "Sister Margaret?"

Well, I'm not officially
confirmed as a nun

until next month

and I don't want
to tick off

the Big Guy,

so let's stick

with "Cousin" for now.

(chuckling)

God's watching.

Excellent!

Man, they spent a lot
of money on this porno.

Whoa-- Morgan Freeman?

Man, that guy's
in everything.

Aw, man, I grabbed
the wrong Deep Impact!

No, leave it in,
it's a good movie.

But, dude, there's
no sex in it.

Yeah, just
like marriage.

Huh? Right?

Oh, oh, hey,

check this out!
Don't ask how,

but I procured for us
five loco-bueno,

hand-rolled,
highly illegal Cubans.

Seriously,
you could go to jail

for smoking these things.

Marriage is like jail!

Right, fellas?!

But at least in jail,
you get to have sex!

But we're not lighting
these babies up,

till we get
to the A.C.

A.C.?

Um, Atlantic City.

Try to keep up, Brad.

We're not going to
Atlantic City.

Just a second, Brad.

Hi.

Hi.
Um...

We're still going
to Atlantic City, right?

Oh, did I not tell you?

Yeah, we switched it.
We're going to Foxwoods.

Foxwoods?

But I've got an ipperstray
waiting in tlanticaay itycay.

What the heck's in Foxwoods?

Well, we've got five
third row seats

to the Popinski-Salazar
rematch.

They've set aside our
very own craps table,

and I reserved a
private room for us

at Connelly's,
where the five of us are going

to be sharing a 102-ounce steak

from a cow that I picked out
on the Internet.

Yeah.
Great.

The night's ruined.

Sorry, Barney.

It was an honest mistake.

MARSHALL:
This is going to be great!

Meat, violence,

throwing money
down the toilet.

America-- one; every
other country-- zero.

(chuckling)
Thanks, guys.

Yeah.

You okay, Barney?

What can I say, Ted?

You won.

Hi.

You one...

sad, pathetic loser.

Boys, say hello
to Treasure.

BOYS:
Hi, Treasure.

I can't believe
that you did this.

I had to.
I'm your best man.

Ted's my best man.

You've yet to make a
decision and that's fine.

But as your
best-man-to-be,

it's my job to make sure
at your bachelor party

you see a woman take
her clothes off

while dancing to Whitesnake's
"Here I Go Again."

(sighs)

All right, fine, but...

let's make it fast, all right.

The fight starts in an hour,
we don't want to miss it.

It's a girl taking
her clothes off.

How long can it take?

It's a bit more complicated
than that.

I need two grounded sockets,

a large sterile pot filled
with hot water

and you all need
to sign these releases.

An egg beater!
(sighs)

Aw, thank you,
Aunt Sylvia!

I love that it's cordless.

Well, at least I got
that part right.

All of these gifts are
so thoughtful.

ROBIN:
Lily?

I need you to look at me
right now and read my mind.

Oh, my God!
You're hearing me!

LILY:
Yeah!

Sorry this party's so boring.

What's up?

Do not open my gift.

See what I'm doing here?

I'm looking over at the gift,

then back at you,

and I'm shaking my head, "no."

Gift.

You.

No.

Are you getting that?

I totally got it.

(under her breath):
Okay.

Hmm?

Oh!

Here you go.

Lily said it was your time
of the month.

You're welcome.

(sighs)

What are you doing?

Oh, just, um...

rearranging the gifts.

The pile looked a
bit precarious.

So...

Oh, don't worry,
I'll keep an eye on it.

Great.

You do that.

You're gonna make
a damn good nun.

TED:
As many times as Robin told
this story over the years,

she would never quite be able

to explain the logic
of her next move.

(music playing)

Is this a strip show
or a Kiss concert?

Shh!

She's starting.

Please turn off
your cell phones, pagers

and sense of shame.

All right, boys.

Lie back,

get comfortable,
and enjoy the show.

Of course there's no way
I'm telling you about her show.

So, let's skip ahead a little.

Ow!

Oh my God, are
you all right?

No, I am not all right,
you idiot.

My ankle is broken!

Take me
to the hospital!

Um, actually,
we have tickets.

(crying)

You know what?

Thanks a lot, Barney.

She told you at the beginning
of the show

not to use the smoke machine
when she's on the hippity hop.

Now I'm going
to have to spend the rest

of my bachelor party
in a hospital.

Well, hey, maybe
we'll get to see her X-rays.

The ultimate
strip show.

X-rays. More like
triple X-rays.

Just stop.

Which exit's
the hospital?

What if she
doesn't make it
to the hospital?

Barney, please
calm down.

Maybe we should just
take her to the desert,

bury her and wash our
hands of this whole thing!

Dude, what is the matter
with you?

I'm just trying to illustrate to
Marshall that as his best man...

You're not
my best man.
As his best man,

I would help him bury a hooker
in the desert.

I'm not a hooker.

And you're not
my best man.

You've ruined
my bachelor party.

I don't know why
you wouldn't just listen to me

when I said
I didn't want this.

Well, the fight started
ten minutes ago.

Maybe-maybe we should listen.

RADIO ANNOUNCER:
Oh, Doctor, what a fight!

That knockout will be
talked about for years to come!

Anyone lucky enough
to be in the arena tonight

just witnessed boxing history
in the making!

Thank you so much,
Margaret.

I can't believe you carved
that crucifix yourself.

So talented.

Didn't think
you could carve.

For you.

Oh. And this one's from...

Grandma Lois.

GRANDMA LOIS:
Oh. No, wait,
darling.

Before you open
this, I-I want to
say a few words.

TED:
Okay, something
you need to know.

Grandma Lois thought she was
giving her granddaughter

an antique sewing machine.

And we're back in.

Honey,

this handy little
device has been

in our family
for generations.

I used it, your great
grandmother used it.

Now,

her mother didn't
use this one,

but she used one
just like it.

Of course, back then,
they were made out of wood.

And, uh, I guess
before that,

you just had
to do it by hand.

Would you pass the wine, please?

No.

Hey, Marshall,

while we're here,
you may as well go down

to the morgue and climb
into a drawer,

'cause that's
what marriage is like.

Can I get an amen?

(chuckling)

Is everything all right
at home, Stuart?

No.

(sighs)

It's broken.

Oh, damn it,
this is bad.

I really can't
lose this job.

My daughters are
about to start school,

and my fiancé, well...

ever since he got
back from Iraq,

pretty much all
he does is drink.

I think about
leaving him,

but I don't want my girls
growing up without a dad

like I did.

I don't want them to
know what that's like.

So, show time?

What is the matter
with you?

Her ankle's broken.

I know for a fact

that the second half
of her act takes place largely

in a seated
or supine position.

Oh, that's true.

Treasure, please,
don't worry about the show.

Uh, we'd feel bad.

What does that mean?

No. We just mean, uh,
you're off the hook.

You don't have to do it.

I don't have to do it?
Well, guess what?

I know I don't
have to do it.

I do it because
I am good at it.

Look, I don't
need your pity.

All I want to do is
give you a great show

because you're
getting married!

Is that so
much to ask?

Is that such a major
inconvenience?!

(instrumental
rock music plays)

Oh. Wow.

Oh, that is wrong.

Oh, that's
just so wrong.

Well, the doctor did say
for her to keep it elevated.

(hissing)

When I was a girl,

my mother taught me
and my sister to use it.

We used to have contests
to see who could finish faster.

It was so exciting.

The whole family
would gather around to watch.

And when I was a new bride,

this is what kept me busy
all those long nights

when your grandfather
was in Korea.

Oh.

GRANDMA LOIS:
And speaking

of your grandpa,

though I don't think
he'd care to admit this

to any of his army buddies, but

he'd have a go at it
every once in a while.

And he enjoyed it.

(laughs)

Oh,

open it up, sweetie.

May this give for you
as much joy as it's brought me.

Oh, thank you.

(Lily laughs quietly)

Grandma, um...

Wow.

Well, take it out, honey.

I want to show you
how to use it.

ROBIN:
Okay, no, no!

Don't take it out.

Lily, that's not
your grandma's gift.

It's mine.

I panicked,
and I switched

the cards because
I was embarrassed.

Well, what is it?

(sighs)

It's just like the one
Miranda gave to Charlotte

on Sex and the City.

Oh, I love that show.

I always watch it on TBS.

JANICE:
Oh, you would.

You're such a Samantha!

Oh, I'm a Carrie!
You're a Samantha!

(laughter)

TED:
And then the night became

a whole new kind
of uncomfortable.

So where do I get one
of these?

Mom!

Man, what a
show, huh?

She did some disgusting stuff.

Really sticks with you.

I may be
done eating.

Me, too.

I mean, like,
forever.

Me, too.

I miss my wife.

BARNEY:
Hey,

let's go around
the table

and say what our
favorite part was.

Mine was that thing
with the typewriter.

I mean,

she made some spelling mistakes,
but still.

Ooh, and you
guys were all,

"Barney, put out the cigar!

It's a non-smoking room!"

And I was all,
"Hell, no, this is a Cuban!"

(giggles)

Of course, eventually,
I did put it out.

Did I put it out?

I put it out.

Did I put it out?

I put it out.

(distant siren)

Did I put it out?

TED:
It was a small fire,

not even big enough to force
an evacuation of the hotel,

but definitely big enough
to get us kicked out,

and bring Marshall's
bachelor party to an early end.

Is that...?

It is.

Hey, guys.

How was the fight?

Hey, what are you
guys doing here?

What happened to
the bachelor party?

We missed the fight,
dinner was ruined,

we spent half the
night in the hospital,

and got kicked
out of the hotel.

What do you think happened?
LILY: Barney.

Barney.

Hey, I was just trying
to be a good best man.

You know what
a best man does, Barney?

He does what the groom wants.

But all you ever
think about is what you want,

what's best for you.

Best man? I'm not even sure

I'm inviting you
to the wedding at this point.

You don't mean that.

Why should I invite you?

You don't even want us
to get married.

(laughs)

That's not true.

Lily, don't.

What?

I'm sorry, Barney.

It happened last summer
when we were broken up.

Hey, what are you guys
talking about?

Lily.

Ah, I got to go.

Newark Airport, please.

(knock at door)

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Barney, what are you doing here?

I can't believe
it's really you.

Come in, have a seat.
Do you want some tea?

I know the apartment's small,
but I don't need much space.

Let me show you some
of my paintings.

I think it's some of
my best work ever. Just stop it.

Lily, you have to come home.

You and Marshall
belong together.

The two of you have something

that most people search their
whole lives for and never find.

I know you love him,
and if you knew

what he was going through
right now,

you wouldn't be here
for one more second.

I bought you a ticket home.

Marshall is one
of the best people I know,

and it won't be long until
someone else realizes that,

and you'll lose him forever.

I can't stand the thought
of that happening,

and I cannot keep stealing
chicks from him forever.

Never, ever tell anyone
I was here.

I will deny it tooth and nail.

This trip never happened.

Hey, if you had three hours
to kill before your flight,

what would you do--
Alcatraz or Fisherman's Wharf?

You really did that?

TED:
Marshall,

I think Barney's
your best man.

Yeah.

Yes, he is.

See, Lily?
This is why I didn't...

Really?

Really.

Real... In your face, loser!

(silly laugh)

Take it easy,
all right.

Ted's still my best man, too.

You guys are co-best men.

(laughs)
BARNEY:
Right.

Yes, we're both best man.

No, um, seriously.

You guys are co-best men.

Of course.

[ indistinct ]

I can't believe
you got me this.

Oh, I only did
it as a joke.

I can return it for
you if you want.

Oh, no, it's okay.

You don't have to go all the way
back down there.

I'll, I'll just throw it away.

Well, I mean, if you're
going to throw it away,

maybe I'll take it
in case I get invited

to another wedding shower.

It's a great gag gift.

Yeah, it's
really funny.
(laughs)

You know who would get a kick
out of it? Marshall.

So, so maybe
I'll just hold onto it.

I would be embarrassed
if Marshall found out

that I bought it for you,
so I'd better just take it.

Robin, leave it.