Original subtitles

TED: Kids, in the spring of 2007,

everything was great between me and Robin.

So we decided to try and make it even better.

We decided to move in together.

So, I can have the moving truck here by 8:00 am.

Does that sound good to everybody?

(Lilly, Barney groaning)

By the way, what are you guys doing with Ted's room?

'Cause if you need help with the rent, I'll take it.

Why would you want to live with us?

I don't call what you guys do "living."

BARNEY: Here's the deal,

I need a room closer to the bar.

It takes me

exactly 23 minutes to get a girl

from the bar back to my apartment.

A lot can go wrong in 23 minutes.

This is going to be so hot.

Mm.

(snoring)

(buzzer sounding)

She's paying.

I swear,

if he doesn't call me back,

I'm going to go through with this.

Please hurry, sir.

I want to do dirty stuff with you.

Stuff I won't let him do.

Every red light run is an extra $20.

(phone rings)

Baby?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

It was all my fault.

(buzzer sounds)

I am so drunk.

(chuckling)

When I'm this drunk, I go crazy!

I bet you do.

Check this out.

Woo-hoo!

What up NYPD?

(siren blares)

(buzzer sounds) So close.

See? If I had a room here

all I have to do is get them upstairs.

Come on, guys. It'll be great!

We'll come in after you guys are asleep

and I'll be gone before you wake up.

So, you get to have sex

and we get to wake some skanky girl up

in the morning and kick her out?

God, Lily.

Some guy just told her that he loved her

then pretended to go to the bathroom and never came back

you can't make her a cup of coffee? Real nice.

I put all your heavy jackets in this box marked "winter."

And all your colorful sweaters in this box

marked "Bill Cosby."

Make fun, but America loved that guy for a reason.

(grunts)

Wow!

Almost done.

Not so fast.

Take your sword.

Wow.

End of an era. Yeah.

It's a bummer to break up the set,

but you're going to need that sword.

It's true-- my building is infested with dragons.

Aw, Ma.

Looks like our little boy is finally moving out.

It seems like just yesterday

he was a cute little freshmen.

Discovering

Reggae and ultimate Frisbee.

He did it later than the other kids

but we never pushed him. No.

We knew he'd get there.

You haven't moved in yet, have you?

Good.

You guys have to take this quiz.

I found it in a magazine.

It's called the "Are you ready to move in together?" quiz.

Well, if it's anything like you're

"Are you wearing panties" quiz, I'm out.

(giggles)

Question one,

Ted, "Do you want to move in with Robin?"

Mm. Yes.

Oh, you got the first one wrong.

The answer is "no,

"you secretly want to be single

and hang out with your awesome friend Barney."

Question two, Robin.

"Do you think you can score a hotter guy than Ted?"

Correct. The answer was awkward silence.

Question three,

"Did I just make up this quiz to prove a point?"

Yes.

Yes, I did.

Really? You mean

it's not from Old Yellow Legal Pad Magazine?

(chuckles)

So? We all agree?

We move Ted's stuff back up here?

Mm... no. We're still moving in together.

Why?

This is crazy.

Ted you're throwing your life away.

This girl is blinding you.

With her shiny hair and her boobed shaped boobs.

This is bad for you, too, you know.

How are you going to feel

when he sees you without any makeup?

I'm not wearing makeup right now.

Holy crap, you're beautiful.

All right then, how will you feel

when you can't sneak the occasional cigarette?

Oh, come on, Robin doesn't smoke.

Wait, do you? Of course not.

Why?

Don't tell me how to live my life!

Ted, I can't let you do this.

Come on.

This is happening.

So instead of fighting it why, why don't you just help?

You want me to help you?

Yeah.

Okay, Ted.

I'll help you.

Can't believe we actually got him to take a box down.

Mm. Maybe he's

finally getting on board.

(both moan)

Where's the truck?

Where's Barney?

Wait for it.

I can't believe this!

Everything I own in the world is in there.

Except for this box of pot lids.

And the sword.

I'm going to kill him.

I swear to God I'm going to kill him!

Right. Maybe I'll just hold onto that.

For now.

Marshall, we live alone.

This is so great!

We can finally do all the things

we always said we wanted to do if we lived alone.

Oh, I know what I want to start with.

So, here we are, right?

Sitting around the apartment naked.

Awesome. Yep.

It's not as awesome as I thought it would be.

My butt itches.

I'm cold. I noticed.

Yeah, like you're one to talk, Pointy.

Barney, I don't know if you got my other 47 messages,

but if my stuff isn't here within the hour

I'm calling the cops.

This is the last time I'm calling you.

Because my charger's in the back of the truck.

Don't worry, it's Barney.

He'll bring the stuff back.

No, it's just...

I was really looking forward

to settling in, you know?

Maybe setting up my TV.

Watching a movie in bed.

(inhales sharply)

What?

Do we really want a TV in the bedroom?

I thought we did.

I'm not sure that we do.

Well, where else would we put my TV?

We could just put it in our storage unit

in the basement.

But wouldn't we miss my TV?

Would we?

Yes, we would.

We've had that TV for a long time

and we would feel more at home

if it were setup in our bedroom.

We need wine, don't we?

Yes, we do.

(cork pops)

(moaning)

Should we, um, move this to the bedroom?

Why?

Ted doesn't live here anymore.

We can do it wherever we want.

You know what else? Hmm?

We don't have to be quiet anymore.

We can be as loud as we want.

(giggles) (moans)

Okay, I think we need

to lay down some ground rules.

Just because we can be loud doesn't mean we have to be loud.

And although it might turn you on,

you screaming, "I'm the best," doesn't do much for me.

Well, it's a lot better than yelling,

"Ted's not here," over and over again.

Well, at least what I said is true.

Well, that was unnecessary.

Well, since I only have one box

I figure I might as well unpack it.

Mm, where do you think we should put it?

Well, unless you have a separate pot lid room,

I was thinking the cupboard.

(inhales sharply) What?

Uh, the thing is my kitchen is kind of small.

And, um, I already have a bunch of pot lids

and mine come with pots, so...

You're saying there's no way to make room

for the single box of stuff I try to move into our place?

Well, why don't you just take it down to the...

Do not say storage space.

I was going to say Dumpster.

Damn it, Robin, this is all I have left

in the world-- eight pot lids and a sword.

Yeah, about the sword.

(cell phone rings)

Hello.

(in deep voice): Put on the suit, Mr. Mosby.

Barney, I know it's you.

Where's my stuff?

It's not me.

If you want to see

your precious possessions again, put on the suit.

What suit? Ding-dong.

Oh, what's that? The doorbell.

That's the suit I'm talking about.

I haven't gotten to the door yet.

Oh, okay, let me know when you get there.

Okay, I opened it.

And there's a suit there.

That's the suit I'm talking about.

Barney.... This isn't Barney.

But I hear that guy's awesome.

All right.

Listen very carefully.

You will get your stuff back

if you are able to complete a series of challenges.

Number one,

put on the suit.

Number two, meet me at McClaren's in an hour.

How will I know who to look for since we've never met?

I look like Barney.

Oh, hey, Ted.

Suit and sneakers.

A little Ellen DeGeneres but you pull it off.

I don't have any other shoes

because you stole them along

with everything else I own in the world.

Where's the truck, Barney?

Barney.

People's whose trucks I'm not holding for ransom

call me Barney.

I think you should call me The Commodore.

I'm not calling you...

Then you're not getting your stuff back.

Can I please have my stuff back...

The Commodore?

(giggles): No.

Here's the deal,

Ted, you're my bro.

And you're about to become a henpecked,

beaten down, shell of a man.

So tonight,

we are going to have

one last awesome night together as bros.

It's a bro-ing away party.

A special bro-casion.

A bro-choice rally.

Bro-time at the Apollo.

Oh, bro me.

Well, so what do I have to do?

No, it's not what you have to do,

it's what you want to do, and you want to have a good time

before you go take Fun Ted out back and shoot him.

So...

first thing on the docket...

get me that girl's number. Absolutely not.

Mm. That's too bad.

Hey, hypothetical question:

if I was all your stuff, would I rather be

at the bottom of the East River or The Hudson?

Hey, look, world's strongest man is on.

Ooh, it's the one

where Lou Ferrigno pulls the bus

from the Partridge family with his teeth.

It's the best one.

Hey, Ted, get in...

We live alone.

(softly): Yay.

Well, I win.

You need to give my friend your phone number.

Wow, I really

didn't think Lou Ferrigno could pull that bus.

Are you sure this is live?

It looks pretty old.

Yeah, that's 'cause the, uh, TV is old.

Oh. Oh.

So, I'll, uh, call you tomorrow?

Yeah. Um, not too early. I have church.

You were impressive, buddy.

Nice work. All right, next challenge.

No. No next challenge.

Look, this is my first night living with Robin.

She's probably pissed I'm spending it out with you.

This might be our last hurrah, my little friend.

Marshall, I am gonna cook you

the best dinner of your life.

How would you like a...

one-egg omelet with some ketchup and film?

Guess Ted's the one who did the shopping.

Ooh, look, a microwave pizza!

Guess the microwave was Ted's, too.

Yeah.

(shivering): So were all the towels.

Turns out that everything that was useful

in this apartment was Ted's.

Everything that was

a Foghat poster we bought ironically in college was mine.

Marshall.

Yeah, baby?

I miss Ted.

Is it too soon to call him?

No, we shouldn't.

I don't want to interrupt his first night living with Robin.

(electronic laser blasting)

Ha, nice shooting.

You know, if we win this one

it's free onion rings at the Intergalactic Snack Shack.

Oh, what a bargain.

We only had to spend 20 bucks a game.

Admit it, you're having fun.

Ah, maybe.

I mean, it was pretty funny when that little girl

fell over that space barrel. (both laughing)

(shouting)

Nice...

We win.

Oh, walk of shame,

walk of game-- what up?

Okay. Let's go one more.

I don't know. You know you want to.

All right, let's do it-- I just got to call Robin real quick.

Oh, so that's what it's gonna be like from now on?

No. Okay, okay. You call your old lady

and ask permission to have fun.

Me, I will be at the Snack Shack

eating our victory onion rings Han style.

Solo.

Hey, Ted.

Hey, sweetie listen, I'm really sorry

but I'm gonna be pretty late, so don't wait up.

Oh, it's totally fine. You do what you got to do.

Thanks. You're the best. I love you.

I love you, too. Bye.

Hey, sorry about that. Thanks for holding.

Um, so if you could go ahead and cancel my subscription

to Guns and Ammo, that would be great.

No, it's a great magazine. Really great.

They've printed three of my letters.

It's just that my boyfriend is moving in

and he kind of doesn't approve of the whole gun thing.

A free hand grenade phone?

You know what?

Let me give you my work address.

I did it, baby!

I got beer.

I got food. (door closes)

We don't need Ted anymore.

I am the provider of this apartment now,

and I have provided!

"Provode"? Provided.

Anyway, I got us everything we need.

Could you toss me the toilet paper?

Be right back, baby. Sit tight.

Hey, I got to admit, um...

I didn't think I would, but, uh...

I had a really good time tonight.

You're a good friend, Barney.

(clinking)

Hey, man, why don't you, uh...

why don't you tell me where my truck is.

No, I don't think so.

Where's my truck?!

Do you know why

I haven't given you any of your possessions back yet?

Uh, because you're Admiral Jerk of the British Royal Douchery?

Because you don't want them back.

Oh. You could've left at anytime tonight

but you didn't, Ted. Why is that?

Because I didn't want to go back to Robin's without my stuff.

False. You know what I think?

I think you spent one day with her

and it already sucked.

I think you didn't like being there,

she didn't like having you there

and you both realized

that you made a huge mistake.

And that's why

you spent your first night living with Robin

out playing laser tag with me.

And that's why three seconds ago

you didn't call it "my place"

or "our place" or "home,"

you called it "Robin's."

You know what?

You can keep my stuff.

Hey. Hey, did you get the truck back?

No. Why not? What happened?

Oh, he pissed me off so much, I left.

Anyway,

I just wanted to come back here, space out

and watch a movie.

Do you anything that wasn't made by John Woo?

Why, do you?

You know, forget the movie.

I just want to sit.

(sighing)

(inhales sharply)

What?

It's just I eat at that table.

Fine, I'll take my shoes off. (inhales sharply)

You know, why don't you just throw me down

in the storage space where you have room for me.

Ted, come on. No, you come on.

I had to jump through hoops all night for Barney

and then it took me an hour to get home

because his place is so far away from the bar.

Oh, my God. What?

I know where Barney put my truck.

Mm.

Let's go back to my place.

I bet you my place is closer.

Here we are.

You live in the loading dock

behind the bar?

I don't live here, baby. This is just my ride.

No, no, no, no. I'm not getting into any van,

I've seen Silence of the Lambs.

(slow R&B music plays)

Oh, my God.

We're drinking champagne in the back of a moving van.

Why, yes, Sara. Yes, we are.

Those other Rockettes

who called you slow are crazy.

(engine starts)

Oh, my God. I knew it.

You're kidnapping me. Help!

No, no, no, no. Help!

I can explain.

(cell phone chimes)

Hello?

(sinister voice): Enjoying the ride?

Ted? Ted, you let us out of here.

You let us out of here this instant!

This isn't Ted.

But I hear that guy's awesome.

(phone snaps shut)

So I took Sara home

and I took Barney to a bar near his apartment.

Apparently, that strategy had never occurred to him.

That poor girl must've been so confused. Yeah.

Well, at least Barney learned a valuable lesson.

You do not want to get scissor kicked in the groin by a Rockette.

So, uh, I guess we should get you unpacked.

Yeah.

Yeah, I guess we should.

Lily...

deep within the Amazonian rain forest,

there is a type of tree that only grows

around the body of an existing tree.

It cannot survive without this tree.

It is supported... by this tree.

Lily, we are that tree.

The inside tree or the outside tree?

The outside tree.

Shouldn't there be three trees?

You and I are one tree. Okay, look, Lily,

the point is that we grew around Ted

and without him, we're slowly dying.

What do we do?

I think we can marry each other.

But we also have to marry Ted.

I'll tell you right now, my Dad

is not gonna pay for that wedding.

Ted! What are you doing here?

Robin and I aren't gonna move in together after all.

What happened?

I thought we decided we were ready? I know.

How did we come to that again?

I don't remember.

We were fighting?

It's all so blurry. Yeah.

The "let's move in together" sex

was pretty amazing. I know.

I did that thing with no hands

I normally need both to do. Mm-hmm.

You know...

I'm really happy with you.

I really happy with you. The way things are.

Yeah. Maybe we shouldn't mess with that.

I don't know that we should.

Hey...

I hear the "let's not move in together" sex

is pretty incredible.

Let's go back to my place.

Mm....

Thank you. You're welcome.

No, thank you. You'll be very happy.

Uh, look, I-I know you guys are really excited

about having the place to yourself.

Until after the wedding, I mean, if it's not

too much of an imposition...

Um... God, this feels so right.

Mm.... Never leave us again.

Guys, Robin's down in the truck and there's actually

a lot of boxes, so maybe we should...

Shh...

Do we have time for this?

Ladies and gentlemen,

I have in my hand a copy of tonight's Top Ten list.

The category: top ten things I would've called my truck...

It was never your truck.

if Ted hadn't been a jerk

and given it back.

It was a rental.

Number ten,

"The Winne-Bango."

Number nine, "The Pick-Up Truck."

Number eight, "The Ford Explore Her."

Number seven, "The You Scream Truck."

You Scream.

(all laughing)

Number six, "Feels On Wheels." Hello!

Number five, "The Ride Her Truck."

Number four, "The 18-Squeeler."

(laughing)

Number three, "The Esca-Laid."

(chuckles)

Number two, "The Slam-Boney."

and...

the number one thing I would've called my truck

if Ted hadn't been a jerk and given it back...

(table drumroll)

"The '69 Chevy."

(scatting theme song)

(glass breaking)

Sorry.

(scatting)