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1
00:00:01,402 --> 00:00:04,002
TED:
Kids, the key to a good
relationship is communication;
2
00:00:04,038 --> 00:00:05,608
you need to talk.
3
00:00:05,639 --> 00:00:08,409
How about Mimi's?
Nah, I don't really
feel like Mimi's.
4
00:00:08,442 --> 00:00:10,282
Well, I'm hungry.
Let's just pick a place and go.
5
00:00:10,311 --> 00:00:12,311
Oh, you know where
we should go? Cynthia's.
6
00:00:12,346 --> 00:00:14,006
You love that place--
remember what
7
00:00:14,048 --> 00:00:16,318
a great time we had the last
time we were there?
We did?
8
00:00:16,350 --> 00:00:17,920
Yeah, yeah.
We had that crazy waiter
9
00:00:17,951 --> 00:00:19,991
(French accent):
who kept going, "You two
should get married!
10
00:00:20,020 --> 00:00:21,760
You two should get married!"
11
00:00:21,789 --> 00:00:23,959
It's also important to know
when to stop talking.
12
00:00:23,991 --> 00:00:25,591
Come on. Then we
stepped outside.
13
00:00:25,626 --> 00:00:28,456
It was raining.
It was so romantic?
14
00:00:28,496 --> 00:00:30,756
How can you not
remember this?
15
00:00:30,798 --> 00:00:33,198
Because it wasn't me.
16
00:00:34,735 --> 00:00:36,795
Oh, right!
17
00:00:36,837 --> 00:00:39,537
It was... my sister.
18
00:00:39,573 --> 00:00:42,443
You see, by the time
you've hit your late 20s,
19
00:00:42,476 --> 00:00:43,706
you've dated a few people,
20
00:00:43,744 --> 00:00:45,384
but when you're in
a relationship,
21
00:00:45,413 --> 00:00:47,353
it's common courtesy
to pretend that you haven't.
22
00:00:47,381 --> 00:00:50,181
Oh, my God,
Van Helsing is on.
23
00:00:50,218 --> 00:00:51,718
Remember when we went
to see it?
24
00:00:51,752 --> 00:00:53,822
We sat in the back row.
25
00:00:53,854 --> 00:00:55,994
I've never seen
Van Helsing.
26
00:00:56,023 --> 00:00:58,393
That's right.
I saw it with my sister.
27
00:01:00,027 --> 00:01:01,357
My boss just got
back from Maui.
28
00:01:01,395 --> 00:01:03,155
He said it was
really romantic.
29
00:01:03,197 --> 00:01:04,797
Oh, it's so romantic.
30
00:01:04,832 --> 00:01:06,502
When were you in Maui?
31
00:01:06,534 --> 00:01:09,374
I... went...
32
00:01:09,403 --> 00:01:10,943
with my sister.
With my sister.
33
00:01:10,971 --> 00:01:12,341
Why do you always say that?
34
00:01:12,373 --> 00:01:13,573
Look,
35
00:01:13,607 --> 00:01:14,807
we're not 16.
36
00:01:14,842 --> 00:01:16,612
We've both dated other people.
37
00:01:16,644 --> 00:01:18,714
It's silly to try
to act like we didn't.
38
00:01:18,746 --> 00:01:21,006
You're right.
We should just be honest.
39
00:01:21,048 --> 00:01:21,978
Totally.
40
00:01:22,015 --> 00:01:23,945
See that girl
over there?
41
00:01:23,984 --> 00:01:25,824
Three years ago,
42
00:01:25,853 --> 00:01:28,163
I totally made out with her.
43
00:01:28,189 --> 00:01:29,319
I don't want to hear that.
44
00:01:29,357 --> 00:01:30,817
What? You said...
45
00:01:30,858 --> 00:01:32,128
God, that is so insensitive.
46
00:01:32,160 --> 00:01:33,730
Remember honesty...?
You're a jerk!
47
00:01:33,761 --> 00:01:36,001
Well, you're...
48
00:01:36,029 --> 00:01:39,429
confusing.
49
00:01:54,482 --> 00:01:56,352
Okay, so you have
to have sex with one:
50
00:01:56,384 --> 00:02:00,694
either classic mermaid; bottom
half fish, top half human,
51
00:02:00,721 --> 00:02:05,391
or inverted mermaid, top half
fish, bottom half human. Go!
52
00:02:05,426 --> 00:02:07,396
I don't know. Is she fat?
53
00:02:07,428 --> 00:02:10,458
Yeah, but it's a fish,
so it's the good kind of fat.
54
00:02:10,498 --> 00:02:13,998
Hot off the presses!
I-I don't take flyers.
55
00:02:14,034 --> 00:02:15,744
You took one
two seconds before
you walked in here.
56
00:02:15,769 --> 00:02:17,239
That's different.
It was for a strip club.
57
00:02:17,271 --> 00:02:18,611
Two bucks off wings.
58
00:02:18,639 --> 00:02:20,439
How much is your flyer
going to save me on wings?
59
00:02:20,474 --> 00:02:22,884
Fine. It's a flyer
from my play.
60
00:02:22,910 --> 00:02:25,080
Oh, Lily, I'd love to,
but we're not in college
61
00:02:25,112 --> 00:02:26,812
and I'm not trying
to sleep with you.
62
00:02:26,847 --> 00:02:28,647
So anyway, this mermaid...
63
00:02:28,682 --> 00:02:30,922
Hey, Lily's friend asked
her to be in this play,
64
00:02:30,951 --> 00:02:32,191
and it's gonna be
really good.
65
00:02:32,220 --> 00:02:35,460
Lily, I love you,
but we're too old for this.
66
00:02:35,489 --> 00:02:37,629
Asking someone
to come see your play
67
00:02:37,658 --> 00:02:39,888
is like asking someone
for a ride to the airport
68
00:02:39,927 --> 00:02:42,957
or to crash on your couch
or to help you move.
69
00:02:42,996 --> 00:02:44,056
Call a cab,
book a room,
70
00:02:44,097 --> 00:02:46,527
hire some movers
and repeat after me:
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00:02:46,567 --> 00:02:49,967
Friends don't let friends
come see their crappy play.
72
00:02:50,003 --> 00:02:51,043
TED:
Okay, first of all,
73
00:02:51,071 --> 00:02:53,241
I've thought about it
74
00:02:53,274 --> 00:02:54,384
and top half fish.
75
00:02:54,408 --> 00:02:56,308
Second of all,
we need you guys
76
00:02:56,344 --> 00:02:57,914
to decide something for us.
77
00:02:57,945 --> 00:02:59,505
Yes, you should
break up.
78
00:03:01,081 --> 00:03:03,221
So, earlier tonight...
79
00:03:03,251 --> 00:03:06,851
Mm, we should
get down to the bar.
80
00:03:06,887 --> 00:03:08,887
I know we should,
81
00:03:08,922 --> 00:03:12,132
but you just look so sexy
in my red sweatshirt.
82
00:03:12,159 --> 00:03:13,089
Mm...
83
00:03:13,126 --> 00:03:15,196
Mm...
Mm...
84
00:03:15,229 --> 00:03:17,969
Oh, God, why is this
part of the story?
85
00:03:17,998 --> 00:03:19,068
We're getting to it.
86
00:03:19,099 --> 00:03:21,369
Damn, my face
is so dry.
87
00:03:21,402 --> 00:03:22,472
Is there any moisturizer
around here?
88
00:03:22,503 --> 00:03:24,143
Yeah, there's some
in the bathroom.
89
00:03:24,171 --> 00:03:25,471
Got to moisturize!
90
00:03:25,506 --> 00:03:27,806
Got to keep that
pretty face moist.
91
00:03:28,676 --> 00:03:30,676
Oh, no, no, no,
no, no, no!
92
00:03:30,711 --> 00:03:33,781
What's wrong with her?
She hates that word.
93
00:03:33,814 --> 00:03:35,084
What word, "moist"?
94
00:03:35,115 --> 00:03:37,145
No! Seriously, stop!
95
00:03:37,184 --> 00:03:39,454
So, anyway, Ted goes
into the bathroom
96
00:03:39,487 --> 00:03:40,587
to get the moist...
97
00:03:41,255 --> 00:03:42,285
face lotion...
98
00:03:42,323 --> 00:03:44,333
Wow, this is great stuff.
99
00:03:44,358 --> 00:03:46,528
Now I know the secret
to your great complexion.
100
00:03:46,560 --> 00:03:48,130
What are you talking about?
It's yours.
101
00:03:48,161 --> 00:03:49,201
No, it's not.
102
00:03:49,229 --> 00:03:50,299
Oh, well...
103
00:03:50,331 --> 00:03:51,931
then I guess it's Lily's.
104
00:03:51,965 --> 00:03:52,825
No, it's not.
105
00:03:54,134 --> 00:03:56,344
Whose moisturizer
is this, Ted?
106
00:03:56,370 --> 00:03:58,010
Um, my sister's.
107
00:03:58,038 --> 00:04:00,808
So, in other words,
some girl you went out with.
108
00:04:00,841 --> 00:04:03,681
Um... I love you.
109
00:04:03,711 --> 00:04:07,051
Disgusting. You let me put on
the same moisturizer
110
00:04:07,080 --> 00:04:08,380
as one of your exes?
111
00:04:08,416 --> 00:04:09,576
It was probably Carla's.
112
00:04:09,617 --> 00:04:11,017
Her face was
a train wreck.
113
00:04:11,051 --> 00:04:14,591
I'm don't think Ted was
dating her for her face.
114
00:04:15,489 --> 00:04:16,459
Thank you, Marshall.
115
00:04:16,490 --> 00:04:18,160
Thank you so much.
116
00:04:18,191 --> 00:04:20,531
Why is that still
in your apartment?
117
00:04:20,561 --> 00:04:22,461
I don't know.
I just never threw it out.
118
00:04:22,496 --> 00:04:24,826
Well, why not? Do you still
have feelings for this girl?
119
00:04:24,865 --> 00:04:27,125
Yeah. I'm madly in love
with her,
120
00:04:27,167 --> 00:04:29,037
and the only way
I can deal with it
121
00:04:29,069 --> 00:04:31,269
is by holding onto
a three-dollar tube of lotion.
122
00:04:31,305 --> 00:04:33,265
Not three dollars! Try 14.
123
00:04:35,643 --> 00:04:37,083
Why is this such a big deal?
124
00:04:37,110 --> 00:04:40,150
Because I don't want to use
some whore's moisturizer!
125
00:04:40,180 --> 00:04:41,880
Whoa, she wasn't a whore.
126
00:04:41,915 --> 00:04:45,015
Well, she's leaving expensive
lotions all over town.
127
00:04:45,052 --> 00:04:46,822
It sounds like a whore to me.
128
00:04:46,854 --> 00:04:47,764
What else do you have
129
00:04:47,788 --> 00:04:49,488
from old girlfriends
just lying around?
130
00:04:49,523 --> 00:04:51,163
Nothing. That's it.
131
00:04:51,191 --> 00:04:53,491
Well, except
for the phone booth.
132
00:04:54,294 --> 00:04:55,934
And the lamp by the desk...
133
00:04:55,963 --> 00:04:58,403
and the...
134
00:04:59,733 --> 00:05:02,103
No.
135
00:05:02,135 --> 00:05:03,835
No!
136
00:05:03,871 --> 00:05:04,871
No!
137
00:05:04,905 --> 00:05:06,535
Oh, Ted!
138
00:05:06,574 --> 00:05:08,144
Ah, the age-old
question:
139
00:05:08,175 --> 00:05:09,335
after you break up
with someone,
140
00:05:09,377 --> 00:05:10,877
what do you do
with the stuff?
141
00:05:10,911 --> 00:05:13,481
Question?
Ain't no question, girl.
142
00:05:13,514 --> 00:05:15,384
Obviously, he's got
to get rid of it.
143
00:05:15,416 --> 00:05:16,616
Which is obviously crazy
144
00:05:16,650 --> 00:05:18,390
and obviously,
I'm not gonna do it.
145
00:05:18,419 --> 00:05:20,919
So we agreed that we would
let you guys decide.
146
00:05:20,954 --> 00:05:22,864
Yeah, like we did
with Marshall's pants.
147
00:05:24,157 --> 00:05:25,657
Ah, the 2005 landmark case
148
00:05:25,693 --> 00:05:28,603
of Lily v.
The Joey Buttafuoco Pants.
149
00:05:28,629 --> 00:05:29,959
Huh?
150
00:05:29,997 --> 00:05:32,297
Huh?
151
00:05:32,332 --> 00:05:33,202
Nice, right?
152
00:05:33,233 --> 00:05:35,573
I'm gonna have
to say no.
153
00:05:35,603 --> 00:05:36,803
I don't want some
154
00:05:36,837 --> 00:05:38,537
16-year-old girl
falling in love with you
155
00:05:38,572 --> 00:05:40,612
and then shooting Lily
in the face.
156
00:05:40,641 --> 00:05:41,511
Yes!
157
00:05:42,510 --> 00:05:44,110
I vote they can stay.
158
00:05:44,144 --> 00:05:46,314
"Check out the jackass
in the parachute pants"
159
00:05:46,346 --> 00:05:47,576
is a good icebreaker.
160
00:05:48,248 --> 00:05:49,378
Ted.
161
00:05:49,417 --> 00:05:52,447
Ted? Ted?
162
00:05:52,486 --> 00:05:53,886
Sorry, buddy, it's
a "no" for me, too.
163
00:05:53,921 --> 00:05:56,821
Oh, and by the way,
Bel Biv Devoe called.
164
00:05:56,857 --> 00:05:59,457
Even they don't want
those pants back.
165
00:05:59,493 --> 00:06:01,433
They were insanely comfortable!
166
00:06:01,462 --> 00:06:04,132
They were like pajamas
you could wear outside.
167
00:06:04,164 --> 00:06:06,304
Marshall, it's over.
168
00:06:06,333 --> 00:06:07,703
We even gave you an appeal
169
00:06:07,735 --> 00:06:09,495
and they didn't look any better
with combat boots.
170
00:06:09,537 --> 00:06:11,967
All right, well,
let's hear the arguments.
171
00:06:12,005 --> 00:06:13,335
Ted, you go first.
172
00:06:13,373 --> 00:06:15,913
Okay. The fact that I still have
things from ex-girlfriends
173
00:06:15,943 --> 00:06:17,143
is no big deal.
174
00:06:17,177 --> 00:06:19,547
I mean, when I see the phone
booth on the piano,
175
00:06:19,580 --> 00:06:21,180
I don't think
of Jeannie Radford,
176
00:06:21,214 --> 00:06:23,924
I think of the good times I had
backpacking through Europe.
177
00:06:23,951 --> 00:06:26,751
And when I see the lamp,
I don't think of Allison Moses.
178
00:06:26,787 --> 00:06:29,117
I remember when I was broke,
just out of college,
179
00:06:29,156 --> 00:06:30,586
and I really needed a lamp.
180
00:06:30,624 --> 00:06:32,494
And when I see
that throw pillow,
181
00:06:32,526 --> 00:06:33,856
I don't think of Lauren Stein.
182
00:06:33,894 --> 00:06:35,534
I think of that weird
orange-brown stain
183
00:06:35,563 --> 00:06:37,203
and how it got there.
184
00:06:37,230 --> 00:06:38,530
Creamsicle
and turkey gravy,
185
00:06:38,566 --> 00:06:40,596
not at the same time.
186
00:06:40,634 --> 00:06:42,904
Well, that's
adorable,
187
00:06:42,936 --> 00:06:44,636
but from now on, when I
walk into the apartment,
188
00:06:44,672 --> 00:06:45,812
here is what
I will see.
189
00:06:45,839 --> 00:06:49,439
I'm Ted's college girlfriend.
190
00:06:49,477 --> 00:06:51,607
He made me 12 mix tapes.
191
00:06:51,645 --> 00:06:54,515
How many has he made you?
192
00:06:54,548 --> 00:06:57,148
He calls you "sweetie pie"?
193
00:06:57,184 --> 00:07:00,954
He called me
"sweetie pie."
194
00:07:00,988 --> 00:07:07,158
I'm stupid, but my rack
is bigger than yours.
195
00:07:07,194 --> 00:07:08,304
Really?
196
00:07:08,328 --> 00:07:09,828
You can't look at a pillow
197
00:07:09,863 --> 00:07:11,933
without seeing my
ex-girlfriend-- a pillow!
198
00:07:11,965 --> 00:07:14,095
Yes, Ted, the fact
that you still have that pillow
199
00:07:14,134 --> 00:07:15,444
is creepy and gross.
200
00:07:15,469 --> 00:07:16,739
Well, you're creepy and gross.
201
00:07:16,770 --> 00:07:18,210
Well, your mom's creepy
and gross.
202
00:07:18,238 --> 00:07:20,568
You're the...
Order! Order!
203
00:07:20,608 --> 00:07:22,478
I got to side
with Robin.
204
00:07:22,510 --> 00:07:23,910
She's your girlfriend,
205
00:07:23,944 --> 00:07:25,814
and if the stuff upsets her,
you got to get rid of it.
206
00:07:25,846 --> 00:07:27,716
I've got
to side with Ted.
207
00:07:27,748 --> 00:07:29,278
Just 'cause you
still have something
208
00:07:29,316 --> 00:07:31,416
an ex-girlfriend gave you
doesn't mean you're
holding onto her.
209
00:07:31,451 --> 00:07:33,251
TED:
All right, Barney.
210
00:07:33,286 --> 00:07:35,016
It all comes down to you.
211
00:07:35,055 --> 00:07:37,455
I side with Robin.
212
00:07:37,491 --> 00:07:38,731
What?
213
00:07:38,759 --> 00:07:40,929
Ted, your place
is too cluttered.
214
00:07:40,961 --> 00:07:42,901
It's like you're
living in a Bennigan's.
215
00:07:42,930 --> 00:07:44,900
Or a Danby's.
216
00:07:45,966 --> 00:07:48,096
What, they don't have
Danby's in the US?
217
00:07:49,136 --> 00:07:50,266
Really?
218
00:07:50,303 --> 00:07:51,613
Well, then were do you get
219
00:07:51,639 --> 00:07:53,309
Grizzly Paw ice cream
sandwiches?
220
00:07:53,340 --> 00:07:55,710
Just stop, sweetie.
221
00:07:57,277 --> 00:07:59,177
TED:
So I had no choice.
222
00:07:59,212 --> 00:08:00,152
I packed up everything
223
00:08:00,180 --> 00:08:02,050
I had gotten
from ex-girlfriends.
224
00:08:02,082 --> 00:08:03,482
It was painful,
225
00:08:03,517 --> 00:08:08,087
but not as painful as what I
had to endure later that night.
226
00:08:08,121 --> 00:08:10,161
New York is famous
for its theater,
227
00:08:10,190 --> 00:08:11,860
but there's many
different levels.
228
00:08:11,892 --> 00:08:15,932
There's Broadway, off-Broadway,
off-off-Broadway,
229
00:08:15,963 --> 00:08:19,203
homeless people screaming
in the park,
230
00:08:19,232 --> 00:08:23,372
and then below that,
the play Aunt Lily was in.
231
00:08:23,403 --> 00:08:24,973
Eight flights
of stairs.
232
00:08:25,005 --> 00:08:28,275
Who puts a theater up
eight flights of stairs?
233
00:08:28,308 --> 00:08:29,708
What kind of
building is this?
234
00:08:29,743 --> 00:08:33,783
From the smell of it,
I'm guessing a urine factory.
235
00:08:33,814 --> 00:08:35,424
Hey, where do you guys
want to sit?
236
00:08:35,448 --> 00:08:38,088
I know where I don't
want to sit.
237
00:08:38,118 --> 00:08:39,848
Guys, four together!
238
00:08:43,624 --> 00:08:45,894
I brought a bag in case
anyone needs to puke.
239
00:08:45,926 --> 00:08:47,626
Come on. It's not
gonna be that bad.
240
00:08:47,661 --> 00:08:49,001
No? Okay.
241
00:08:59,372 --> 00:09:00,972
Shh.
242
00:09:01,008 --> 00:09:03,308
(gong sounds)
243
00:09:03,343 --> 00:09:08,283
I... am... Rage!
244
00:09:12,552 --> 00:09:15,322
I... am Greed.
245
00:09:16,957 --> 00:09:18,427
(gong rings)
246
00:09:18,458 --> 00:09:22,698
I am Rage... Envy!
247
00:09:22,730 --> 00:09:24,600
(quietly):
I am outta here.
248
00:09:24,632 --> 00:09:27,032
No, you're not.
You have to stay.
249
00:09:28,902 --> 00:09:33,472
This is the face
of Consumerism!
250
00:09:33,506 --> 00:09:37,806
Oh, my God.
Ted's part of the play.
251
00:09:39,279 --> 00:09:40,649
(cast gasping)
252
00:09:41,882 --> 00:09:46,592
Hello, Greed, Rage...
253
00:09:46,620 --> 00:09:48,920
Envy...
254
00:09:50,423 --> 00:09:53,693
and Consumerism.
255
00:09:56,563 --> 00:09:58,833
I...
256
00:09:58,866 --> 00:10:01,496
am your father...
257
00:10:01,534 --> 00:10:03,574
America!
258
00:10:03,603 --> 00:10:05,213
(cast gasping)
259
00:10:18,719 --> 00:10:20,789
(cheering)
260
00:10:20,821 --> 00:10:22,321
Oh, baby, that was wonderful!
261
00:10:22,355 --> 00:10:24,955
Totally, I had no idea
Greed was the killer.
262
00:10:24,992 --> 00:10:26,892
And when it became
a play within a play,
263
00:10:26,927 --> 00:10:29,397
I was, like, "Now
we are really cookin'!
264
00:10:29,429 --> 00:10:32,099
Wow, Lily, that sucked!
265
00:10:33,166 --> 00:10:34,226
Barney!
266
00:10:34,267 --> 00:10:35,997
What? It was terrible.
267
00:10:36,036 --> 00:10:38,006
I mean, come on.
You guys agree, right?
268
00:10:38,038 --> 00:10:40,408
Hey, sorry,
I'm just being honest
269
00:10:40,440 --> 00:10:41,540
'cause, you know,
we're friends.
270
00:10:41,574 --> 00:10:44,314
No, friends make each other
feel good.
271
00:10:44,344 --> 00:10:46,914
They build each other up
and support them.
272
00:10:46,947 --> 00:10:48,817
That's what being
a good friend is about.
273
00:10:48,849 --> 00:10:51,249
Yeah, if you're a Smurf.
274
00:10:51,284 --> 00:10:53,624
You know if you did a play,
I would sit through
275
00:10:53,653 --> 00:10:56,723
the whole thing and I would
compliment you on it afterwards.
276
00:10:56,757 --> 00:10:58,827
Oh, really?
You would?
Yes.
277
00:10:58,859 --> 00:11:02,229
Bad move, Aldrin,
bad move.
278
00:11:02,262 --> 00:11:03,232
(man clears throat)
279
00:11:03,263 --> 00:11:04,533
We'll be starting
280
00:11:04,564 --> 00:11:06,074
our Q&A with
the director--
281
00:11:06,099 --> 00:11:09,899
yours truly--
in five minutes right here.
282
00:11:09,937 --> 00:11:12,667
(chairs clanging loudly)
283
00:11:14,207 --> 00:11:17,007
Can you believe Barney
said that about Lily's play?
284
00:11:17,044 --> 00:11:18,854
I know. He can be
really insensitive.
285
00:11:18,879 --> 00:11:20,809
Yeah... It was
pretty bad, though.
286
00:11:20,848 --> 00:11:23,018
Oh, my God,
it was so bad.
287
00:11:28,856 --> 00:11:30,556
Oh, my God, you've been robbed!
288
00:11:30,590 --> 00:11:32,690
Nope.
289
00:11:35,162 --> 00:11:38,132
All that stuff was
from old girlfriends?
290
00:11:40,033 --> 00:11:42,543
Don't you buy anything
for yourself?
291
00:11:42,569 --> 00:11:43,799
What can I say?
292
00:11:43,837 --> 00:11:45,537
Papa gets swag.
293
00:11:45,572 --> 00:11:47,112
Mmm...
294
00:11:47,140 --> 00:11:48,810
And that should've been
the end of it.
295
00:11:48,842 --> 00:11:50,012
But the next day...
296
00:11:50,043 --> 00:11:51,643
You know, at first
I was really bummed
297
00:11:51,678 --> 00:11:53,208
about getting rid
of all my stuff.
298
00:11:53,246 --> 00:11:55,346
But seeing how happy it makes
you-- totally worth it.
299
00:11:55,382 --> 00:11:57,252
Mm, that's kind of how I
feel when I begrudgingly
300
00:11:57,284 --> 00:11:59,054
have sex with you
when I'm really tired.
301
00:11:59,086 --> 00:12:01,546
Exactly. Sometimes you gotta
take one for the team.
302
00:12:01,588 --> 00:12:03,258
(growling)
303
00:12:03,290 --> 00:12:04,490
Well, sit.
304
00:12:04,524 --> 00:12:05,964
Sit, yeah.
305
00:12:05,993 --> 00:12:08,003
So you never keep anything
your ex-boyfriends gave you?
306
00:12:08,028 --> 00:12:08,958
Nope.
307
00:12:08,996 --> 00:12:11,056
Well, except for my dogs.
308
00:12:26,246 --> 00:12:27,916
So I had to get rid
of everything
309
00:12:27,948 --> 00:12:29,578
from my past
relationships because
310
00:12:29,616 --> 00:12:31,886
you don't keep things
from your past relationships
311
00:12:31,919 --> 00:12:33,949
except, uh, where are
your five dogs from?
312
00:12:33,987 --> 00:12:37,017
Oh, that's right:
your past relationships.
313
00:12:37,057 --> 00:12:38,127
What's your point, Ted?
314
00:12:38,158 --> 00:12:39,628
Well, you know how you said
315
00:12:39,659 --> 00:12:40,889
you come over to my apartment,
316
00:12:40,928 --> 00:12:43,028
and all you can see
are my ex-girlfriends?
317
00:12:43,063 --> 00:12:44,833
What, so when you look
at my dogs,
318
00:12:44,865 --> 00:12:46,195
all you see is my ex-boyfriends?
319
00:12:49,602 --> 00:12:51,702
Good boy.
320
00:12:51,738 --> 00:12:53,638
I do now.
321
00:12:53,673 --> 00:12:56,013
That's ridiculous.
322
00:12:56,043 --> 00:12:57,283
I thought you said
you got rid
323
00:12:57,310 --> 00:12:58,850
of everything
your ex-boyfriends gave you.
324
00:12:58,879 --> 00:13:01,349
Well, yeah, but not my dogs.
You said everything.
325
00:13:01,381 --> 00:13:02,681
But not living things.
326
00:13:02,715 --> 00:13:05,615
Well, tell that to the rare
Bolivian cactus I threw away.
327
00:13:05,652 --> 00:13:08,292
Things with a heartbeat
can stay.
328
00:13:11,358 --> 00:13:12,628
Enjoying this?
329
00:13:12,659 --> 00:13:14,259
Pickles, go get your ball.
330
00:13:15,028 --> 00:13:17,428
Go get your ball.
331
00:13:21,234 --> 00:13:22,704
Just admit it.
332
00:13:22,735 --> 00:13:23,795
It was a little
hypocritical of you
333
00:13:23,837 --> 00:13:25,107
to make me get rid
of all my stuff.
334
00:13:25,138 --> 00:13:27,308
Well, what do you
want me to do, Ted?
335
00:13:27,340 --> 00:13:28,410
Get rid of my dogs?
336
00:13:29,409 --> 00:13:32,979
Guess what position
we did it in.
337
00:13:33,013 --> 00:13:35,453
Yes. Yes, I want you
to get rid of your dogs.
338
00:13:35,482 --> 00:13:37,322
Um, no.
339
00:13:41,821 --> 00:13:44,421
Really? Well, I say
340
00:13:44,457 --> 00:13:48,227
we take it to the group,
but I don't like your chances.
341
00:13:48,261 --> 00:13:51,101
She's not getting
rid of the dogs.
342
00:13:51,131 --> 00:13:52,801
What's the matter with you?
343
00:13:52,832 --> 00:13:54,602
Even I wouldn't do that.
344
00:13:54,634 --> 00:13:55,974
Yes!
Ugh!
345
00:13:56,003 --> 00:13:58,173
You can ask somebody
to get rid of their iguana
346
00:13:58,205 --> 00:14:00,465
after it poops in your hair,
but not their dog.
347
00:14:00,507 --> 00:14:02,807
I miss Jebediah.
348
00:14:02,842 --> 00:14:04,542
Oh, I almost forgot.
349
00:14:04,577 --> 00:14:07,347
Flyers for my new play.
350
00:14:07,380 --> 00:14:08,680
Very funny.
351
00:14:08,715 --> 00:14:10,045
Oh, it's not a joke.
352
00:14:10,083 --> 00:14:12,053
It's my one-man show
premiering tomorrow night.
353
00:14:12,085 --> 00:14:14,585
And even though it's terrible
and excruciatingly long,
354
00:14:14,621 --> 00:14:17,691
I expect you all to be there
since we're such good friends.
355
00:14:17,724 --> 00:14:19,234
Oh, we'll be there.
356
00:14:19,259 --> 00:14:20,629
Unless, of course, you just want
to admit that you were wrong...
357
00:14:20,660 --> 00:14:22,230
Never.
Good.
358
00:14:22,262 --> 00:14:24,972
Okay, I gotta go rehearse.
359
00:14:24,998 --> 00:14:26,928
Oh, I almost forgot.
360
00:14:26,967 --> 00:14:28,837
Bring a poncho;
the first three rows get wet.
361
00:14:28,868 --> 00:14:29,968
(clicks tongue)
362
00:14:43,650 --> 00:14:46,450
I'm sorry I didn't tell you
where the dogs came from.
363
00:14:46,486 --> 00:14:49,586
I'm sorry I asked you
to get rid of them.
364
00:14:49,622 --> 00:14:50,762
That was ridiculous.
365
00:14:50,790 --> 00:14:53,690
So we're-we're okay?
366
00:14:53,726 --> 00:14:55,226
Yeah, we're great.
367
00:14:55,262 --> 00:14:57,662
And I thought we were,
368
00:14:57,697 --> 00:14:58,967
but just as it did
369
00:14:58,999 --> 00:15:01,099
in the seventh act
of Aunt Lily's play,
370
00:15:01,134 --> 00:15:03,374
Jealousy reared its ugly head.
371
00:15:10,843 --> 00:15:14,183
Oh, yeah, baby,
that's the spot.
372
00:15:18,551 --> 00:15:22,661
* So messed up,
I want you here *
373
00:15:26,059 --> 00:15:29,499
* But now I wanna
be your dog... *
374
00:15:29,529 --> 00:15:30,729
Dude, I gotta pee.
375
00:15:30,763 --> 00:15:33,173
* Now I wanna be your dog
376
00:15:33,200 --> 00:15:34,770
Sorry, I... I gotta go.
377
00:15:34,801 --> 00:15:38,471
* Now I wanna be your dog...
378
00:15:38,505 --> 00:15:40,365
(door shuts)
379
00:15:40,407 --> 00:15:43,177
Oh, he's really having trouble
dealing with this, huh?
380
00:15:43,210 --> 00:15:44,580
Yeah, he really is.
381
00:15:44,611 --> 00:15:47,881
It's got me thinking, maybe
I should get rid of my dogs.
382
00:15:47,914 --> 00:15:50,354
Might be time
to send them to the farm.
383
00:15:50,383 --> 00:15:52,293
You're gonna kill your dogs?!
384
00:15:52,319 --> 00:15:54,319
No! No, no, no,
there really is a farm.
385
00:15:54,354 --> 00:15:56,694
My aunt has a farm upstate.
386
00:15:56,723 --> 00:15:58,233
Oh, thank God.
387
00:15:58,258 --> 00:16:00,458
Aw, you know, if I
were five dogs,
388
00:16:00,493 --> 00:16:04,163
I'd rather live on a farm than
in an apartment in Brooklyn.
389
00:16:04,197 --> 00:16:06,497
Yeah. I could visit
them on weekends.
390
00:16:06,533 --> 00:16:09,173
My aunt is awfully
lonely up there.
391
00:16:09,202 --> 00:16:10,542
It's just her
and her lover, Betty.
392
00:16:10,570 --> 00:16:14,070
Oh, that's perfect.
They love dogs.
393
00:16:14,107 --> 00:16:15,777
"They"?
What do you mean by "they"?
394
00:16:15,808 --> 00:16:17,178
Uh... uh.... uh...
395
00:16:17,210 --> 00:16:18,380
People upstate.
396
00:16:18,411 --> 00:16:20,051
Oh, look, it's starting.
Shh!
397
00:16:21,414 --> 00:16:24,524
Are you sure
you're gonna be okay?
398
00:16:24,551 --> 00:16:26,451
I mean, you know that
this is gonna be...
I know,
399
00:16:26,486 --> 00:16:28,186
but I'm gonna sit
through the whole thing,
400
00:16:28,221 --> 00:16:30,621
and I'm gonna say something
nice about it afterwards.
401
00:16:30,657 --> 00:16:32,157
You know why?
402
00:16:32,192 --> 00:16:33,762
Because that's
what friends do.
Hmm.
403
00:16:43,636 --> 00:16:45,466
(gong chimes)
404
00:16:49,076 --> 00:16:51,076
Moist.
405
00:16:52,345 --> 00:16:54,475
Moist.
406
00:16:54,514 --> 00:16:56,024
Moist.
407
00:16:56,049 --> 00:16:57,649
Moist.
408
00:16:57,684 --> 00:17:00,024
TED:
That was the first 40 minutes
of Barney's show.
409
00:17:00,053 --> 00:17:02,123
Moist.
410
00:17:02,155 --> 00:17:05,355
And then we endured
about 20 minutes of this.
411
00:17:11,431 --> 00:17:12,571
(sighs)
412
00:17:17,170 --> 00:17:18,970
I have to go refill.
413
00:17:19,005 --> 00:17:20,105
I'll be back in a moment.
414
00:17:20,140 --> 00:17:21,370
Play's not over.
415
00:17:25,312 --> 00:17:28,522
I never get picked for
audience participation.
416
00:17:29,449 --> 00:17:31,419
And then it just got weird.
417
00:17:31,451 --> 00:17:33,651
(makes electrical buzzing
sounds)
418
00:17:35,088 --> 00:17:37,818
(staccato rhythm):
Feelings.
419
00:17:37,857 --> 00:17:40,787
Inside.
420
00:17:40,827 --> 00:17:42,797
Oh, no!
421
00:17:44,097 --> 00:17:46,527
BARNEY:
Beep, beep, beep.
422
00:17:46,566 --> 00:17:47,996
Beep.
423
00:17:48,034 --> 00:17:51,074
(makes buzzing
and whirring sounds)
424
00:17:51,104 --> 00:17:52,444
(buzzing)
425
00:17:52,472 --> 00:17:55,142
TED:
And when that didn't work...
426
00:17:55,175 --> 00:17:57,835
(playing sprightly melody)
427
00:18:01,348 --> 00:18:05,148
(stopping and starting)
428
00:18:06,853 --> 00:18:12,993
(plays one high-pitched note
over and over again)
429
00:18:13,025 --> 00:18:14,755
Okay!
430
00:18:14,794 --> 00:18:16,034
Stop!
431
00:18:16,062 --> 00:18:17,702
You win. Fine.
432
00:18:17,730 --> 00:18:21,130
Barney, I'm sorry
I made you come to my show.
433
00:18:21,168 --> 00:18:22,468
Thank you, Lily.
434
00:18:22,502 --> 00:18:24,502
Is there anything you'd like
to say about my show?
435
00:18:24,537 --> 00:18:25,767
No.
436
00:18:25,805 --> 00:18:28,805
No, I have nothing nice
to say about your show.
437
00:18:28,841 --> 00:18:30,211
You were right, Barney.
438
00:18:30,243 --> 00:18:32,043
Let's go to the bar.
439
00:18:32,078 --> 00:18:33,948
Yes!
I win!
440
00:18:33,980 --> 00:18:35,780
I love winning!
441
00:18:35,815 --> 00:18:37,215
Oh, Lily.
442
00:18:37,250 --> 00:18:39,120
Oh, Lily, Lily, Lily.
443
00:18:39,152 --> 00:18:40,922
I was just getting warmed up,
man!
444
00:18:40,953 --> 00:18:44,463
If you had any idea what was
coming up in act two... oh!
445
00:18:44,491 --> 00:18:47,391
Well, I imagine it was
pretty awful, so let's go.
446
00:18:47,427 --> 00:18:48,857
Pretty awful?
Pretty awful?!
447
00:18:48,895 --> 00:18:50,595
It was a masterpiece of awful.
448
00:18:51,398 --> 00:18:52,698
It's genius how bad it is.
449
00:18:52,732 --> 00:18:54,902
I kind of wish
you guys could see it.
450
00:18:54,934 --> 00:18:56,344
Yeah, well, anyway.
451
00:18:56,369 --> 00:18:58,569
Act two is where
I really hit my stride.
452
00:18:59,639 --> 00:19:02,779
Spoiler alert:
the robot falls in love.
453
00:19:04,277 --> 00:19:05,907
How about this, Barney?
454
00:19:05,945 --> 00:19:10,745
How about we stay and-and watch
the rest of your show?
455
00:19:13,753 --> 00:19:15,223
It's your funeral.
456
00:19:16,323 --> 00:19:18,293
Five, six,
one, two.
457
00:19:18,325 --> 00:19:21,085
(playing high-pitched melody)
458
00:19:21,127 --> 00:19:23,127
So we stayed
and let Barney torture us
459
00:19:23,162 --> 00:19:25,232
for another hour and a half,
460
00:19:25,265 --> 00:19:28,665
'cause that's what friends do,
apparently.
461
00:19:29,702 --> 00:19:30,842
Hey.
462
00:19:30,870 --> 00:19:31,900
Where've you been?
463
00:19:31,938 --> 00:19:32,968
I called you earlier.
464
00:19:33,005 --> 00:19:35,005
I gave my dogs
away to my aunt.
465
00:19:35,041 --> 00:19:36,481
You what?
466
00:19:36,509 --> 00:19:40,879
Yeah. Just for a few months
as a test run, but...
467
00:19:40,913 --> 00:19:43,423
I think it's for the best.
468
00:19:43,450 --> 00:19:44,820
Wow.
469
00:19:44,851 --> 00:19:47,221
Oh, man.
470
00:19:47,254 --> 00:19:49,124
Aw...
471
00:19:49,155 --> 00:19:51,115
Can we go inside?
472
00:19:51,157 --> 00:19:52,357
Uh, no.
473
00:19:52,392 --> 00:19:54,092
Uh, let's go to the bar.
Why?
474
00:19:54,126 --> 00:19:56,926
What's going on
inside?
Um, the floors
are gone.
475
00:19:56,963 --> 00:19:59,903
What?
Yeah. I-I sent them out
to get, um, fixed.
476
00:19:59,932 --> 00:20:01,032
This is a terrible lie.
477
00:20:01,067 --> 00:20:02,267
I'm just going to bail.
478
00:20:14,847 --> 00:20:16,777
I didn't know you were getting
rid of the dogs!
479
00:20:16,816 --> 00:20:18,946
You said you threw
all that stuff away!
480
00:20:18,985 --> 00:20:21,645
TED:
Kids, this was the worst fight
Robin and I ever had.
481
00:20:21,688 --> 00:20:24,988
It was one of those fights
that last for hours
482
00:20:25,024 --> 00:20:26,534
and you start to get woozy
and lose track
483
00:20:26,559 --> 00:20:28,029
of what you're fighting about.
484
00:20:28,060 --> 00:20:29,460
We fought for so long,
485
00:20:29,496 --> 00:20:31,896
seasons changed
outside the window.
486
00:20:31,931 --> 00:20:35,301
Pages of the calendar blew off.
It was crazy.
487
00:20:35,335 --> 00:20:36,935
But, ultimately,
and I couldn't tell you how
488
00:20:36,969 --> 00:20:40,869
for the life of me,
but somehow we got to here.
489
00:20:44,143 --> 00:20:46,083
We're really doing this?
490
00:20:46,112 --> 00:20:49,682
Yeah.
491
00:20:49,716 --> 00:20:51,116
We're moving in together!
We're moving in together!
492
00:20:51,150 --> 00:20:53,320
(joyous laughter)
493
00:20:54,554 --> 00:20:56,324
Congratulations!
Thank you.
494
00:20:58,725 --> 00:21:01,025
(staccato rhythm):
* Robot found love
495
00:21:01,060 --> 00:21:03,260
* Confusing my circuitry
496
00:21:03,296 --> 00:21:04,996
* My software's been hacked
497
00:21:05,031 --> 00:21:14,011
* Toaster oven,
you're the one for me. *
498
00:21:15,542 --> 00:21:16,982
Two, three, four.
499
00:21:17,977 --> 00:21:18,977
(grunting)
500
00:21:26,018 --> 00:21:26,988
That's two.
501
00:21:29,188 --> 00:21:30,358
Amazing finish.
32907
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