Original subtitles

TED: Kids, the key to a good relationship is communication;

you need to talk.

How about Mimi's? Nah, I don't really feel like Mimi's.

Well, I'm hungry. Let's just pick a place and go.

Oh, you know where we should go? Cynthia's.

You love that place-- remember what

a great time we had the last time we were there? We did?

Yeah, yeah. We had that crazy waiter

(French accent): who kept going, "You two should get married!

You two should get married!"

It's also important to know when to stop talking.

Come on. Then we stepped outside.

It was raining. It was so romantic?

How can you not remember this?

Because it wasn't me.

Oh, right!

It was... my sister.

You see, by the time you've hit your late 20s,

you've dated a few people,

but when you're in a relationship,

it's common courtesy to pretend that you haven't.

Oh, my God, Van Helsing is on.

Remember when we went to see it?

We sat in the back row.

I've never seen Van Helsing.

That's right. I saw it with my sister.

My boss just got back from Maui.

He said it was really romantic.

Oh, it's so romantic.

When were you in Maui?

I... went...

with my sister. With my sister.

Why do you always say that?

Look,

we're not 16.

We've both dated other people.

It's silly to try to act like we didn't.

You're right. We should just be honest.

Totally.

See that girl over there?

Three years ago,

I totally made out with her.

I don't want to hear that.

What? You said...

God, that is so insensitive.

Remember honesty...? You're a jerk!

Well, you're...

confusing.

Okay, so you have to have sex with one:

either classic mermaid; bottom half fish, top half human,

or inverted mermaid, top half fish, bottom half human. Go!

I don't know. Is she fat?

Yeah, but it's a fish, so it's the good kind of fat.

Hot off the presses! I-I don't take flyers.

You took one two seconds before you walked in here.

That's different. It was for a strip club.

Two bucks off wings.

How much is your flyer going to save me on wings?

Fine. It's a flyer from my play.

Oh, Lily, I'd love to, but we're not in college

and I'm not trying to sleep with you.

So anyway, this mermaid...

Hey, Lily's friend asked her to be in this play,

and it's gonna be really good.

Lily, I love you, but we're too old for this.

Asking someone to come see your play

is like asking someone for a ride to the airport

or to crash on your couch or to help you move.

Call a cab, book a room,

hire some movers and repeat after me:

Friends don't let friends come see their crappy play.

TED: Okay, first of all,

I've thought about it

and top half fish.

Second of all, we need you guys

to decide something for us.

Yes, you should break up.

So, earlier tonight...

Mm, we should get down to the bar.

I know we should,

but you just look so sexy in my red sweatshirt.

Mm...

Mm... Mm...

Oh, God, why is this part of the story?

We're getting to it.

Damn, my face is so dry.

Is there any moisturizer around here?

Yeah, there's some in the bathroom.

Got to moisturize!

Got to keep that pretty face moist.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no!

What's wrong with her? She hates that word.

What word, "moist"?

No! Seriously, stop!

So, anyway, Ted goes into the bathroom

to get the moist...

face lotion...

Wow, this is great stuff.

Now I know the secret to your great complexion.

What are you talking about? It's yours.

No, it's not.

Oh, well...

then I guess it's Lily's.

No, it's not.

Whose moisturizer is this, Ted?

Um, my sister's.

So, in other words, some girl you went out with.

Um... I love you.

Disgusting. You let me put on the same moisturizer

as one of your exes?

It was probably Carla's.

Her face was a train wreck.

I'm don't think Ted was dating her for her face.

Thank you, Marshall.

Thank you so much.

Why is that still in your apartment?

I don't know. I just never threw it out.

Well, why not? Do you still have feelings for this girl?

Yeah. I'm madly in love with her,

and the only way I can deal with it

is by holding onto a three-dollar tube of lotion.

Not three dollars! Try 14.

Why is this such a big deal?

Because I don't want to use some whore's moisturizer!

Whoa, she wasn't a whore.

Well, she's leaving expensive lotions all over town.

It sounds like a whore to me.

What else do you have

from old girlfriends just lying around?

Nothing. That's it.

Well, except for the phone booth.

And the lamp by the desk...

and the...

No.

No!

No!

Oh, Ted!

Ah, the age-old question:

after you break up with someone,

what do you do with the stuff?

Question? Ain't no question, girl.

Obviously, he's got to get rid of it.

Which is obviously crazy

and obviously, I'm not gonna do it.

So we agreed that we would let you guys decide.

Yeah, like we did with Marshall's pants.

Ah, the 2005 landmark case

of Lily v. The Joey Buttafuoco Pants.

Huh?

Huh?

Nice, right?

I'm gonna have to say no.

I don't want some

16-year-old girl falling in love with you

and then shooting Lily in the face.

Yes!

I vote they can stay.

"Check out the jackass in the parachute pants"

is a good icebreaker.

Ted.

Ted? Ted?

Sorry, buddy, it's a "no" for me, too.

Oh, and by the way, Bel Biv Devoe called.

Even they don't want those pants back.

They were insanely comfortable!

They were like pajamas you could wear outside.

Marshall, it's over.

We even gave you an appeal

and they didn't look any better with combat boots.

All right, well, let's hear the arguments.

Ted, you go first.

Okay. The fact that I still have things from ex-girlfriends

is no big deal.

I mean, when I see the phone booth on the piano,

I don't think of Jeannie Radford,

I think of the good times I had backpacking through Europe.

And when I see the lamp, I don't think of Allison Moses.

I remember when I was broke, just out of college,

and I really needed a lamp.

And when I see that throw pillow,

I don't think of Lauren Stein.

I think of that weird orange-brown stain

and how it got there.

Creamsicle and turkey gravy,

not at the same time.

Well, that's adorable,

but from now on, when I walk into the apartment,

here is what I will see.

I'm Ted's college girlfriend.

He made me 12 mix tapes.

How many has he made you?

He calls you "sweetie pie"?

He called me "sweetie pie."

I'm stupid, but my rack is bigger than yours.

Really?

You can't look at a pillow

without seeing my ex-girlfriend-- a pillow!

Yes, Ted, the fact that you still have that pillow

is creepy and gross.

Well, you're creepy and gross.

Well, your mom's creepy and gross.

You're the... Order! Order!

I got to side with Robin.

She's your girlfriend,

and if the stuff upsets her, you got to get rid of it.

I've got to side with Ted.

Just 'cause you still have something

an ex-girlfriend gave you doesn't mean you're holding onto her.

TED: All right, Barney.

It all comes down to you.

I side with Robin.

What?

Ted, your place is too cluttered.

It's like you're living in a Bennigan's.

Or a Danby's.

What, they don't have Danby's in the US?

Really?

Well, then were do you get

Grizzly Paw ice cream sandwiches?

Just stop, sweetie.

TED: So I had no choice.

I packed up everything

I had gotten from ex-girlfriends.

It was painful,

but not as painful as what I had to endure later that night.

New York is famous for its theater,

but there's many different levels.

There's Broadway, off-Broadway, off-off-Broadway,

homeless people screaming in the park,

and then below that, the play Aunt Lily was in.

Eight flights of stairs.

Who puts a theater up eight flights of stairs?

What kind of building is this?

From the smell of it, I'm guessing a urine factory.

Hey, where do you guys want to sit?

I know where I don't want to sit.

Guys, four together!

I brought a bag in case anyone needs to puke.

Come on. It's not gonna be that bad.

No? Okay.

Shh.

(gong sounds)

I... am... Rage!

I... am Greed.

(gong rings)

I am Rage... Envy!

(quietly): I am outta here.

No, you're not. You have to stay.

This is the face of Consumerism!

Oh, my God. Ted's part of the play.

(cast gasping)

Hello, Greed, Rage...

Envy...

and Consumerism.

I...

am your father...

America!

(cast gasping)

(cheering)

Oh, baby, that was wonderful!

Totally, I had no idea Greed was the killer.

And when it became a play within a play,

I was, like, "Now we are really cookin'!

Wow, Lily, that sucked!

Barney!

What? It was terrible.

I mean, come on. You guys agree, right?

Hey, sorry, I'm just being honest

'cause, you know, we're friends.

No, friends make each other feel good.

They build each other up and support them.

That's what being a good friend is about.

Yeah, if you're a Smurf.

You know if you did a play, I would sit through

the whole thing and I would compliment you on it afterwards.

Oh, really? You would? Yes.

Bad move, Aldrin, bad move.

(man clears throat)

We'll be starting

our Q&A with the director--

yours truly-- in five minutes right here.

(chairs clanging loudly)

Can you believe Barney said that about Lily's play?

I know. He can be really insensitive.

Yeah... It was pretty bad, though.

Oh, my God, it was so bad.

Oh, my God, you've been robbed!

Nope.

All that stuff was from old girlfriends?

Don't you buy anything for yourself?

What can I say?

Papa gets swag.

Mmm...

And that should've been the end of it.

But the next day...

You know, at first I was really bummed

about getting rid of all my stuff.

But seeing how happy it makes you-- totally worth it.

Mm, that's kind of how I feel when I begrudgingly

have sex with you when I'm really tired.

Exactly. Sometimes you gotta take one for the team.

(growling)

Well, sit.

Sit, yeah.

So you never keep anything your ex-boyfriends gave you?

Nope.

Well, except for my dogs.

So I had to get rid of everything

from my past relationships because

you don't keep things from your past relationships

except, uh, where are your five dogs from?

Oh, that's right: your past relationships.

What's your point, Ted?

Well, you know how you said

you come over to my apartment,

and all you can see are my ex-girlfriends?

What, so when you look at my dogs,

all you see is my ex-boyfriends?

Good boy.

I do now.

That's ridiculous.

I thought you said you got rid

of everything your ex-boyfriends gave you.

Well, yeah, but not my dogs. You said everything.

But not living things.

Well, tell that to the rare Bolivian cactus I threw away.

Things with a heartbeat can stay.

Enjoying this?

Pickles, go get your ball.

Go get your ball.

Just admit it.

It was a little hypocritical of you

to make me get rid of all my stuff.

Well, what do you want me to do, Ted?

Get rid of my dogs?

Guess what position we did it in.

Yes. Yes, I want you to get rid of your dogs.

Um, no.

Really? Well, I say

we take it to the group, but I don't like your chances.

She's not getting rid of the dogs.

What's the matter with you?

Even I wouldn't do that.

Yes! Ugh!

You can ask somebody to get rid of their iguana

after it poops in your hair, but not their dog.

I miss Jebediah.

Oh, I almost forgot.

Flyers for my new play.

Very funny.

Oh, it's not a joke.

It's my one-man show premiering tomorrow night.

And even though it's terrible and excruciatingly long,

I expect you all to be there since we're such good friends.

Oh, we'll be there.

Unless, of course, you just want to admit that you were wrong...

Never. Good.

Okay, I gotta go rehearse.

Oh, I almost forgot.

Bring a poncho; the first three rows get wet.

(clicks tongue)

I'm sorry I didn't tell you where the dogs came from.

I'm sorry I asked you to get rid of them.

That was ridiculous.

So we're-we're okay?

Yeah, we're great.

And I thought we were,

but just as it did

in the seventh act of Aunt Lily's play,

Jealousy reared its ugly head.

Oh, yeah, baby, that's the spot.

* So messed up, I want you here *

* But now I wanna be your dog... *

Dude, I gotta pee.

* Now I wanna be your dog

Sorry, I... I gotta go.

* Now I wanna be your dog...

(door shuts)

Oh, he's really having trouble dealing with this, huh?

Yeah, he really is.

It's got me thinking, maybe I should get rid of my dogs.

Might be time to send them to the farm.

You're gonna kill your dogs?!

No! No, no, no, there really is a farm.

My aunt has a farm upstate.

Oh, thank God.

Aw, you know, if I were five dogs,

I'd rather live on a farm than in an apartment in Brooklyn.

Yeah. I could visit them on weekends.

My aunt is awfully lonely up there.

It's just her and her lover, Betty.

Oh, that's perfect. They love dogs.

"They"? What do you mean by "they"?

Uh... uh.... uh...

People upstate.

Oh, look, it's starting. Shh!

Are you sure you're gonna be okay?

I mean, you know that this is gonna be... I know,

but I'm gonna sit through the whole thing,

and I'm gonna say something nice about it afterwards.

You know why?

Because that's what friends do. Hmm.

(gong chimes)

Moist.

Moist.

Moist.

Moist.

TED: That was the first 40 minutes of Barney's show.

Moist.

And then we endured about 20 minutes of this.

(sighs)

I have to go refill.

I'll be back in a moment.

Play's not over.

I never get picked for audience participation.

And then it just got weird.

(makes electrical buzzing sounds)

(staccato rhythm): Feelings.

Inside.

Oh, no!

BARNEY: Beep, beep, beep.

Beep.

(makes buzzing and whirring sounds)

(buzzing)

TED: And when that didn't work...

(playing sprightly melody)

(stopping and starting)

(plays one high-pitched note over and over again)

Okay!

Stop!

You win. Fine.

Barney, I'm sorry I made you come to my show.

Thank you, Lily.

Is there anything you'd like to say about my show?

No.

No, I have nothing nice to say about your show.

You were right, Barney.

Let's go to the bar.

Yes! I win!

I love winning!

Oh, Lily.

Oh, Lily, Lily, Lily.

I was just getting warmed up, man!

If you had any idea what was coming up in act two... oh!

Well, I imagine it was pretty awful, so let's go.

Pretty awful? Pretty awful?!

It was a masterpiece of awful.

It's genius how bad it is.

I kind of wish you guys could see it.

Yeah, well, anyway.

Act two is where I really hit my stride.

Spoiler alert: the robot falls in love.

How about this, Barney?

How about we stay and-and watch the rest of your show?

It's your funeral.

Five, six, one, two.

(playing high-pitched melody)

So we stayed and let Barney torture us

for another hour and a half,

'cause that's what friends do, apparently.

Hey.

Where've you been?

I called you earlier.

I gave my dogs away to my aunt.

You what?

Yeah. Just for a few months as a test run, but...

I think it's for the best.

Wow.

Oh, man.

Aw...

Can we go inside?

Uh, no.

Uh, let's go to the bar. Why?

What's going on inside? Um, the floors are gone.

What? Yeah. I-I sent them out to get, um, fixed.

This is a terrible lie.

I'm just going to bail.

I didn't know you were getting rid of the dogs!

You said you threw all that stuff away!

TED: Kids, this was the worst fight Robin and I ever had.

It was one of those fights that last for hours

and you start to get woozy and lose track

of what you're fighting about.

We fought for so long,

seasons changed outside the window.

Pages of the calendar blew off. It was crazy.

But, ultimately, and I couldn't tell you how

for the life of me, but somehow we got to here.

We're really doing this?

Yeah.

We're moving in together! We're moving in together!

(joyous laughter)

Congratulations! Thank you.

(staccato rhythm): * Robot found love

* Confusing my circuitry

* My software's been hacked

* Toaster oven, you're the one for me. *

Two, three, four.

(grunting)

That's two.

Amazing finish.