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1
00:00:01,302 --> 00:00:05,272
TED:
Kids, Christmas is a time
you spend with your family.
2
00:00:05,339 --> 00:00:07,439
So in December of 2006,
I had three options.
3
00:00:07,508 --> 00:00:10,638
Spend it with my mom
and her new boyfriend Clint,
4
00:00:10,711 --> 00:00:14,581
spend it with my dad and his
new girlfriend micro-brewing,
5
00:00:14,648 --> 00:00:16,648
or head down to Staten Island
to spend it
6
00:00:16,717 --> 00:00:19,617
with my super religious cousin
Stacy.
7
00:00:19,687 --> 00:00:21,587
So I opted
for none of the above
8
00:00:21,655 --> 00:00:24,585
and decided
to spend Christmas 2006
9
00:00:24,658 --> 00:00:26,488
in Manhattan...
10
00:00:26,560 --> 00:00:29,130
celebrating
with my other family.
11
00:00:30,898 --> 00:00:34,868
Okay, I have one last paper
due at 5:00 p.m. today,
12
00:00:34,935 --> 00:00:37,105
so until then, I will be
at the law library at school,
13
00:00:37,171 --> 00:00:38,871
but I'm not to be disturbed
for any reason.
14
00:00:38,939 --> 00:00:40,009
Dude, open your eyes.
15
00:00:40,074 --> 00:00:41,384
You're going to
hurt yourself.
16
00:00:41,442 --> 00:00:42,342
No, no.
17
00:00:42,410 --> 00:00:44,010
Christmas Eve winter wonderland
is my reward
18
00:00:44,078 --> 00:00:45,508
for finishing my paper.
19
00:00:45,579 --> 00:00:46,779
Oh.
20
00:00:46,847 --> 00:00:48,817
Baby, do I smell your
Sinfully Cinnamon Cookies?
21
00:00:48,882 --> 00:00:50,222
Yes.
22
00:00:50,284 --> 00:00:52,524
Damn me and
my heightened
other senses.
23
00:00:52,586 --> 00:00:54,116
Must be strong.
24
00:00:54,188 --> 00:00:56,158
Okay, I'll be
back here at 5:00.
25
00:00:56,224 --> 00:00:58,034
Save me at least 20 cookies
26
00:00:58,092 --> 00:00:59,532
and do not
clean the bowl.
27
00:01:02,630 --> 00:01:03,830
Was that a reindeer?
28
00:01:03,897 --> 00:01:05,127
I don't want to know!
29
00:01:09,170 --> 00:01:10,970
Hey, look.
30
00:01:11,038 --> 00:01:13,068
Our old answering machine.
Oh, yeah.
31
00:01:13,141 --> 00:01:14,741
After you left, we,
uh, we unplugged it
32
00:01:14,808 --> 00:01:15,778
because it
reminded Marshall
33
00:01:15,843 --> 00:01:17,813
of how you used to, you
know, leave messages.
34
00:01:17,878 --> 00:01:19,308
But hey,
35
00:01:19,380 --> 00:01:20,480
you guys are
back together.
36
00:01:20,548 --> 00:01:23,978
I say we're
plugging it back in.
37
00:01:24,051 --> 00:01:25,221
(grunts)
38
00:01:25,286 --> 00:01:26,686
It's good to have you back.
39
00:01:26,754 --> 00:01:27,924
Thanks.
40
00:01:27,988 --> 00:01:30,788
Oh, hey, look, there's
still some messages on here.
41
00:01:30,858 --> 00:01:33,258
MR. MOSBY:
Hey Ted, it's Dad
calling to check in.
42
00:01:33,327 --> 00:01:35,497
I'm going fishing this weekend
with my friend Clint,
43
00:01:35,563 --> 00:01:37,233
so if I don't hear from you
beforehand,
44
00:01:37,298 --> 00:01:39,498
I'll talk to you next week.
45
00:01:39,567 --> 00:01:40,727
Yes, same Clint.
46
00:01:41,635 --> 00:01:42,935
TED (on machine):
Hey, Marshall.
47
00:01:43,003 --> 00:01:44,543
Are you lying on the couch
right now moping about Lily?
48
00:01:44,605 --> 00:01:46,765
You are, aren't you?
Oh...
49
00:01:46,840 --> 00:01:47,810
Well, stop it.
50
00:01:47,875 --> 00:01:49,075
She's not worth it.
51
00:01:49,143 --> 00:01:51,983
You gotta get over that Grinch.
52
00:01:52,045 --> 00:01:53,605
But I didn't say "Grinch."
53
00:01:53,681 --> 00:01:55,221
I said a bad word.
54
00:01:55,283 --> 00:01:57,723
A very, very bad word.
55
00:01:58,819 --> 00:02:01,859
Oh, fudge.
56
00:02:01,922 --> 00:02:04,192
But I didn't say fudge.
57
00:02:18,706 --> 00:02:19,736
I'm...
58
00:02:19,807 --> 00:02:21,737
a what?
59
00:02:21,809 --> 00:02:23,039
I--
60
00:02:23,110 --> 00:02:24,650
That was Barney,
that was Barney.
61
00:02:24,712 --> 00:02:27,052
That was you, Ted.
That was Marshall.
62
00:02:27,114 --> 00:02:28,454
Marshall left a message
for Marshall?
63
00:02:28,516 --> 00:02:33,286
You know, it may have been
me, but it was so long ago.
64
00:02:33,354 --> 00:02:35,724
Man, that machine, it
really garbles your voice.
65
00:02:35,789 --> 00:02:37,959
You know, it almost
made it sound like I said...
66
00:02:38,025 --> 00:02:39,855
Why would you call me that?
67
00:02:39,927 --> 00:02:41,657
It was a fair question.
68
00:02:41,729 --> 00:02:43,459
Marshall's breakup with Lily
had sent him
69
00:02:43,531 --> 00:02:44,871
into a deep depression
70
00:02:44,932 --> 00:02:46,832
and nothing could get him out
of it.
(moans)
71
00:02:46,900 --> 00:02:47,940
Until one day...
72
00:02:48,001 --> 00:02:49,801
She was perfect.
73
00:02:51,138 --> 00:02:52,608
I lost the perfect woman.
74
00:02:52,673 --> 00:02:55,743
I should have knocked her up
when I had the chance.
75
00:02:55,809 --> 00:02:56,779
Okay.
76
00:02:56,844 --> 00:02:58,414
That's it.
77
00:02:58,479 --> 00:03:00,109
You're never going
to get over her
78
00:03:00,180 --> 00:03:01,620
until you stop putting her
on a pedestal.
79
00:03:01,682 --> 00:03:03,522
So no more ice cream
until you tell me
80
00:03:03,584 --> 00:03:04,924
one thing that's wrong
with Lily.
81
00:03:06,587 --> 00:03:07,887
There's only one of her?
82
00:03:07,955 --> 00:03:09,415
Okay.
83
00:03:09,490 --> 00:03:12,060
She called off your wedding
and dumped you
84
00:03:12,125 --> 00:03:13,755
to be a painter
in San Francisco.
85
00:03:13,827 --> 00:03:14,857
What do you call that?
86
00:03:14,928 --> 00:03:17,768
Fiercely independent?
Uh-uh.
87
00:03:17,831 --> 00:03:19,671
Brave?
88
00:03:21,502 --> 00:03:23,942
I guess it was
a little selfish.
89
00:03:24,004 --> 00:03:25,374
There you go.
90
00:03:25,439 --> 00:03:27,639
And in almost no time,
91
00:03:27,708 --> 00:03:30,508
that spark turned
into a roaring fire.
92
00:03:30,578 --> 00:03:33,078
Yeah. No, you're right.
Lily would laugh at anything.
93
00:03:33,146 --> 00:03:34,616
She'd give it up for a bad pun.
94
00:03:34,682 --> 00:03:36,382
I'm telling you,
she's a laugh slut.
95
00:03:36,450 --> 00:03:38,420
Remember that time
we heard her laughing
96
00:03:38,486 --> 00:03:40,216
and we thought she was
watching Weekend At Bernie's,
97
00:03:40,288 --> 00:03:42,818
but it turned out she was
watching Weekend At Bernie's 2?
98
00:03:43,757 --> 00:03:45,087
And her art?
99
00:03:45,158 --> 00:03:47,028
"I'm Lily, I'm an artist."
100
00:03:47,094 --> 00:03:48,764
She doesn't even own a beret.
101
00:03:48,829 --> 00:03:51,329
Yeah, and if she's
such a great "artist,"
102
00:03:51,399 --> 00:03:53,269
why does she suck at Pictionary?
103
00:03:53,334 --> 00:03:55,474
Who draws a ninja star
like a Star of David?
104
00:03:55,536 --> 00:03:57,736
Come on, come on.
Right, right?
Yeah!
105
00:03:57,805 --> 00:03:58,505
Another round!
106
00:03:58,572 --> 00:04:00,012
(laughing):
Yeah!
107
00:04:00,073 --> 00:04:01,143
I was trying to help him.
108
00:04:01,208 --> 00:04:02,208
I'm his best friend.
109
00:04:02,276 --> 00:04:04,446
That's the best friend's job.
110
00:04:04,512 --> 00:04:07,082
The best friend's job is
to call me that word?
111
00:04:07,147 --> 00:04:09,447
Yeah.
112
00:04:10,651 --> 00:04:11,751
Oh, Ted.
113
00:04:11,819 --> 00:04:13,319
Oh, Teddy boy.
114
00:04:13,387 --> 00:04:14,487
Why is this such a big deal?
115
00:04:14,555 --> 00:04:15,955
It's just a word.
116
00:04:16,023 --> 00:04:17,563
We use lots of words, every day.
117
00:04:17,625 --> 00:04:19,985
It shouldn't be any different
than any other word.
118
00:04:20,060 --> 00:04:21,260
Then why don't you say it now?
119
00:04:21,329 --> 00:04:22,859
Grinch.
120
00:04:25,265 --> 00:04:26,995
You timed that didn't you?
121
00:04:27,067 --> 00:04:28,137
Perfectly.
122
00:04:28,201 --> 00:04:30,541
Well, at least
you apologized.
123
00:04:31,672 --> 00:04:32,972
You apologized,
didn't you?
124
00:04:33,040 --> 00:04:34,110
Oh, yeah.
125
00:04:34,174 --> 00:04:37,144
"I'm sorry" were the first
words out of my mouth.
126
00:04:37,210 --> 00:04:39,280
I'm sorry, but I am
not apologizing.
127
00:04:39,347 --> 00:04:41,477
I was just trying to put
the guy back together.
128
00:04:41,549 --> 00:04:42,949
You smashed him to pieces.
129
00:04:43,016 --> 00:04:45,786
Are you seriously not going to
apologize for leaving that...?
130
00:04:45,853 --> 00:04:46,953
No!
Why not?
131
00:04:47,020 --> 00:04:48,060
Because, Lily, this summer,
132
00:04:48,121 --> 00:04:49,091
you were kind of a Grinch.
133
00:04:49,156 --> 00:04:50,556
BOTH:
Oooh.
134
00:04:51,525 --> 00:04:54,525
Oh, you'll be
sorry, Ted Mosby.
135
00:04:55,529 --> 00:04:57,669
Ted Vivian Mosby!
136
00:04:57,731 --> 00:04:58,831
That's not my middle name.
137
00:04:58,899 --> 00:05:00,799
You kiss your mother
with that mouth?
138
00:05:00,868 --> 00:05:02,468
Like you've never
said that word.
139
00:05:02,536 --> 00:05:04,606
I don't kiss your mother
with my mouth.
140
00:05:04,672 --> 00:05:05,642
Yet.
141
00:05:05,706 --> 00:05:06,766
(sneezes)
142
00:05:07,775 --> 00:05:08,635
Are you sick?
143
00:05:08,709 --> 00:05:10,239
Is it sick to find maturity
144
00:05:10,310 --> 00:05:11,240
and experience sexy?
145
00:05:11,311 --> 00:05:12,351
No, I meant
146
00:05:12,413 --> 00:05:13,453
do you have a cold?
147
00:05:13,514 --> 00:05:14,824
I'm fine.
148
00:05:14,882 --> 00:05:16,582
(blowing nose)
149
00:05:19,753 --> 00:05:20,893
I'm fine.
150
00:05:20,954 --> 00:05:22,464
My nose is just
overflowing with awesome
151
00:05:22,523 --> 00:05:24,323
and I had to get some of it out.
152
00:05:24,392 --> 00:05:28,162
Now, if you'll excuse me, the
holidays are a time when people
153
00:05:28,228 --> 00:05:29,628
are lonely and desperate.
154
00:05:29,697 --> 00:05:32,967
It's the most wonderful
time of the year.
155
00:05:35,102 --> 00:05:36,242
I should go apologize.
156
00:05:36,303 --> 00:05:37,513
It's Christmas Eve.
157
00:05:37,571 --> 00:05:41,541
Yeah. I mean, slamming
doors and screaming curses?
158
00:05:41,609 --> 00:05:45,579
If I wanted that, I would have
gone home for the holidays.
159
00:05:47,848 --> 00:05:49,718
I don't see any
mistletoe, but...
160
00:05:49,783 --> 00:05:50,723
(sneezes)
161
00:05:52,085 --> 00:05:55,615
Oh! Oh, God!
162
00:05:55,689 --> 00:05:57,559
Uh... "Bless you" would
have been nice.
163
00:05:59,860 --> 00:06:00,990
You're sick.
I'm not sick.
164
00:06:01,061 --> 00:06:02,061
You're sick.
165
00:06:02,129 --> 00:06:03,259
You know what? I am sick.
166
00:06:03,330 --> 00:06:04,570
Sick of you telling me I'm sick.
167
00:06:04,632 --> 00:06:07,702
What up? (coughing)
168
00:06:12,105 --> 00:06:15,835
Ahh... Three flights of stairs,
not a drop spilled.
169
00:06:15,909 --> 00:06:16,839
Hey, buddy.
170
00:06:18,846 --> 00:06:20,276
You sure this
is gonna work?
171
00:06:20,347 --> 00:06:21,447
Yeah, this is our thing.
172
00:06:21,515 --> 00:06:22,945
In college, whenever
I wanted to make up
173
00:06:23,016 --> 00:06:24,716
with her, I'd buy her
a beer. Cute, right?
174
00:06:24,785 --> 00:06:26,745
Totally.
Plus free mug.
175
00:06:29,022 --> 00:06:31,662
Usually that
would've done the trick,
176
00:06:31,725 --> 00:06:33,625
but it turned out
this was a problem
177
00:06:33,694 --> 00:06:34,934
not even alcohol could solve.
178
00:06:43,136 --> 00:06:45,736
Actually the beer
helped a little.
179
00:06:50,243 --> 00:06:52,083
She took
the decorations.
180
00:06:52,145 --> 00:06:54,075
She took the decorations!
181
00:06:54,147 --> 00:06:55,277
What a Grinch!
182
00:06:55,348 --> 00:06:57,448
That time I did say "Grinch."
183
00:06:57,518 --> 00:06:58,588
All right.
184
00:06:58,652 --> 00:07:00,492
I guess I have
to call her, right?
185
00:07:02,089 --> 00:07:03,289
Lily's cell phone.
186
00:07:03,356 --> 00:07:06,886
She'll listen to
reason-- right?
187
00:07:06,960 --> 00:07:08,100
Oh, hey, Billy.
188
00:07:08,161 --> 00:07:11,571
Actually, funny thing--
the voice dial got you.
189
00:07:11,632 --> 00:07:13,572
I was trying to call...
190
00:07:13,634 --> 00:07:16,644
Oh, I'm sorry
to hear that.
191
00:07:16,704 --> 00:07:20,844
Yeah, the holidays are a rough
time for everyone, Billy.
192
00:07:20,908 --> 00:07:22,978
Okay, yeah,
dinner next Wednesday.
193
00:07:23,043 --> 00:07:25,353
Okay.
194
00:07:25,412 --> 00:07:26,782
Damn voice dial.
195
00:07:29,983 --> 00:07:30,883
Barney!
196
00:07:30,951 --> 00:07:32,051
What the hell?
197
00:07:32,119 --> 00:07:35,019
Get in here, it's
freezing outside.
198
00:07:35,088 --> 00:07:36,388
Are you insane?
199
00:07:36,456 --> 00:07:38,086
Hey, blame Lily and her
200
00:07:38,158 --> 00:07:40,928
oppressive "no cigars
in the apartment rule."
201
00:07:40,994 --> 00:07:43,004
God, it's like Marshall's
marrying the Taliban.
202
00:07:43,063 --> 00:07:44,103
(sneezes)
203
00:07:44,164 --> 00:07:45,104
High five.
204
00:07:45,165 --> 00:07:46,325
Eww. No.
205
00:07:46,399 --> 00:07:50,039
You have to go home
and get to bed.
206
00:07:50,103 --> 00:07:53,373
Oh, Robin, my simple friend
from the untamed north,
207
00:07:53,440 --> 00:07:55,880
let me tell you
208
00:07:55,943 --> 00:07:59,113
about a little thing I like
to call mind over body.
209
00:07:59,179 --> 00:08:00,179
You see,
210
00:08:00,247 --> 00:08:01,847
Whenever I start feeling sick,
211
00:08:01,915 --> 00:08:06,015
I just stop being sick
and be awesome instead.
212
00:08:06,086 --> 00:08:07,186
True story.
213
00:08:07,254 --> 00:08:10,224
Yeah, in two minutes,
214
00:08:10,290 --> 00:08:14,760
I'm going to pound a sixer
of Red Bull, hop in a cab,
215
00:08:14,828 --> 00:08:17,058
play a couple of hours
of laser tag,
216
00:08:17,130 --> 00:08:21,330
maybe get a spray-on tan.
217
00:08:21,401 --> 00:08:23,941
It's gonna be legen...
218
00:08:24,004 --> 00:08:26,074
Wait for it...
219
00:08:26,139 --> 00:08:27,739
(snoring softly)
220
00:08:29,276 --> 00:08:30,136
Lily!
221
00:08:30,210 --> 00:08:32,050
Merry Christmas, assface.
222
00:08:32,112 --> 00:08:33,582
Um, Lily?
223
00:08:33,647 --> 00:08:35,417
Where are the Christmas
decorations?
224
00:08:35,482 --> 00:08:37,652
At my apartment.
225
00:08:37,718 --> 00:08:38,918
You want to bring them back
226
00:08:38,986 --> 00:08:40,816
so we can celebrate
Christmas together-- please?
227
00:08:40,888 --> 00:08:43,118
Ted, do you know what I would do
228
00:08:43,190 --> 00:08:45,230
if one of my kindergartners
used that kind of language?
229
00:08:45,292 --> 00:08:47,562
I would be on the phone
with their parents.
230
00:08:47,628 --> 00:08:49,498
Yeah, I'm not a kindergartner.
231
00:08:49,563 --> 00:08:50,563
Exactly.
232
00:08:50,631 --> 00:08:51,701
You know what that word means.
233
00:08:51,765 --> 00:08:53,395
You know that
calling people names
234
00:08:53,466 --> 00:08:56,536
is mean and hurtful... assface.
235
00:08:56,604 --> 00:08:57,644
Lily, if you don't
236
00:08:57,705 --> 00:08:59,135
bring that stuff back
right now, we...
237
00:09:00,674 --> 00:09:01,814
She hung up.
238
00:09:01,875 --> 00:09:03,605
She's just mad.
She'll cool down.
239
00:09:03,677 --> 00:09:04,337
Mm-hmm.
(phone ringing)
240
00:09:04,411 --> 00:09:05,811
Aha.
241
00:09:05,879 --> 00:09:07,049
Lily...
242
00:09:07,114 --> 00:09:08,524
Don't forget to take the cookies
243
00:09:08,582 --> 00:09:10,422
out of the oven... assface!
244
00:09:10,483 --> 00:09:12,093
Damn it!
245
00:09:12,152 --> 00:09:14,052
I could be in
Cleveland right now
246
00:09:14,121 --> 00:09:16,361
making peppermint lager
with my dad.
247
00:09:16,423 --> 00:09:17,693
Where are you going?
248
00:09:17,758 --> 00:09:19,058
Marshall gets home
in three hours.
249
00:09:19,126 --> 00:09:22,596
He's gonna show up--
no Lily, no winter wonderland.
250
00:09:22,663 --> 00:09:24,003
I gotta get up
to the Bronx.
251
00:09:25,633 --> 00:09:27,743
...dary.
252
00:09:29,169 --> 00:09:30,269
(phone ringing)
253
00:09:31,972 --> 00:09:33,712
Hey, dude,
how's the paper going?
254
00:09:33,774 --> 00:09:35,244
Screw the paper,
how's the winter wonderland?
255
00:09:35,308 --> 00:09:36,278
Is it magical?
256
00:09:36,343 --> 00:09:38,013
Oh... so magical.
257
00:09:38,078 --> 00:09:39,978
When you walk
through the door, does it feel
258
00:09:40,047 --> 00:09:41,617
like you've been slapped
in the face by Christmas?
259
00:09:41,682 --> 00:09:42,522
Sure does.
260
00:09:42,582 --> 00:09:43,882
Look, I gotta go.
261
00:09:43,951 --> 00:09:45,351
Come on, man, describe it!
262
00:09:45,418 --> 00:09:46,518
Tell me about the decorations.
263
00:09:46,586 --> 00:09:47,586
Is Rudolph there?
264
00:09:47,655 --> 00:09:48,515
He is, isn't he?
265
00:09:48,588 --> 00:09:50,358
Hi, Rudolph!
266
00:09:50,423 --> 00:09:52,263
Ah, yeah, but, you know...
267
00:09:52,325 --> 00:09:54,725
Decorations, is that really
what Christmas is about?
268
00:09:54,795 --> 00:09:56,455
Hell, yeah!
What else would it be about?
269
00:09:56,529 --> 00:09:58,669
Uh, try the birth of Christ.
270
00:09:58,732 --> 00:10:02,642
You know, Christmas--
Christ Mas,
271
00:10:02,703 --> 00:10:05,613
which means "More Christ"
to our Spanish friends.
272
00:10:05,673 --> 00:10:08,713
Yeah, well, all I know
is walking in that door
273
00:10:08,776 --> 00:10:11,436
and seeing the winter wonderland
and seeing Lily
274
00:10:11,511 --> 00:10:13,181
and all you guys, just...
275
00:10:13,246 --> 00:10:14,446
I can't wait.
276
00:10:14,514 --> 00:10:16,184
Right. I gotta go.
277
00:10:16,249 --> 00:10:17,519
Right. Okay. Oh, wait.
278
00:10:17,584 --> 00:10:18,994
Ted, Ted, Ted, Ted.
One more thing.
279
00:10:19,052 --> 00:10:20,692
How about the cookies?
Are they delicious?
280
00:10:21,689 --> 00:10:25,459
(shrieking)
281
00:10:25,525 --> 00:10:28,095
You know, honestly, they taste
a little store-bought.
282
00:10:29,262 --> 00:10:29,832
Oh! I got another call.
283
00:10:29,897 --> 00:10:32,167
Well, tell Lily I love her.
284
00:10:32,232 --> 00:10:33,172
Right.
285
00:10:33,233 --> 00:10:34,303
Hello?
286
00:10:34,367 --> 00:10:36,297
Ted Evelyn Mosby!
287
00:10:36,369 --> 00:10:37,639
Oh. Uh, hey, Mom.
288
00:10:37,705 --> 00:10:38,835
Merry Christmas.
289
00:10:38,906 --> 00:10:41,976
I just got the most
disturbing call from Lily.
290
00:10:42,042 --> 00:10:45,512
How could you use
such a horrible word?
291
00:10:45,578 --> 00:10:47,278
Oh, God, she called you?
292
00:10:47,347 --> 00:10:49,447
Are you acting out
because of the divorce?
293
00:10:49,516 --> 00:10:50,976
Is-is this all about Clint?
294
00:10:51,051 --> 00:10:52,691
No, Mom, why
would it be about Clint?
295
00:10:52,753 --> 00:10:55,163
Hey, buddy, it's Clint.
296
00:10:55,222 --> 00:10:56,662
How you doing, champ?
297
00:10:56,724 --> 00:10:58,294
Hey, Clint. Listen, um,
298
00:10:58,358 --> 00:11:00,388
Hey, hey, no,
I don't really have time to...
299
00:11:00,460 --> 00:11:01,260
no, no. Ted,Ted.
300
00:11:01,328 --> 00:11:02,198
You don't know this yet,
301
00:11:02,262 --> 00:11:05,032
but you and I are going
to be great friends.
302
00:11:05,098 --> 00:11:06,128
Now,
303
00:11:06,199 --> 00:11:07,869
the Native Americans
have this ritual...
304
00:11:11,238 --> 00:11:13,138
(coughing)
305
00:11:14,641 --> 00:11:16,811
(sighs)
306
00:11:16,877 --> 00:11:19,147
This is a low moment
for the Barnacle.
307
00:11:20,213 --> 00:11:23,353
I should be off playing
laser tag right now,
308
00:11:23,416 --> 00:11:25,016
but instead...
309
00:11:25,085 --> 00:11:27,585
Don't look at me. I'm hideous.
310
00:11:27,654 --> 00:11:30,164
You just look like
a regular guy.
311
00:11:30,223 --> 00:11:31,263
Exactly.
312
00:11:31,324 --> 00:11:32,334
I'm a Ted.
313
00:11:32,392 --> 00:11:35,032
I'm wearing
elastic-waist fleece pants.
314
00:11:35,095 --> 00:11:36,655
And isn't it more comfy?
315
00:11:36,730 --> 00:11:38,830
Yes.
316
00:11:38,899 --> 00:11:40,769
Come on, you need eat something.
317
00:11:40,834 --> 00:11:43,804
Too weak...
318
00:11:43,871 --> 00:11:46,411
to hold... bowl.
319
00:11:46,473 --> 00:11:49,483
Fine, I'll feed you.
320
00:11:49,542 --> 00:11:50,982
Mmm.
321
00:11:54,281 --> 00:11:56,721
Ouchie in my mouth!
322
00:12:00,854 --> 00:12:03,964
I don't want it.
I want ice cream.
323
00:12:04,024 --> 00:12:05,394
No, you're not having ice cream
324
00:12:05,458 --> 00:12:06,688
for dinner
just 'cause you're sick.
325
00:12:06,760 --> 00:12:08,460
But my throat hurts.
No.
326
00:12:08,528 --> 00:12:09,558
I hate you!
327
00:12:09,629 --> 00:12:11,729
Oh.
Don't leave me.
328
00:12:14,868 --> 00:12:16,198
(knock at door)
329
00:12:18,271 --> 00:12:20,211
Who is it?
330
00:12:20,273 --> 00:12:22,243
Pizza delivery.
331
00:12:25,712 --> 00:12:27,482
Whoa.
332
00:12:27,547 --> 00:12:29,217
Hey, you tricked me.
333
00:12:29,282 --> 00:12:30,982
You really thought
I was the pizza delivery guy?
334
00:12:31,051 --> 00:12:33,191
No, I knew it was you.
335
00:12:33,253 --> 00:12:35,693
I just thought you'd
at least bring a pizza.
336
00:12:35,755 --> 00:12:39,085
Yeah, well,
I brought a beer,
337
00:12:39,159 --> 00:12:41,459
but I gave it
to a homeless guy.
338
00:12:41,528 --> 00:12:43,898
All right, he took it from me.
339
00:12:43,964 --> 00:12:45,904
Now, will you please come home?
340
00:12:45,966 --> 00:12:48,596
No, I'm not spending
Christmas with you.
341
00:12:48,668 --> 00:12:53,268
Okay, I'm sorry for calling you
a... that word,
342
00:12:53,340 --> 00:12:55,110
over the summer,
343
00:12:55,175 --> 00:12:56,975
and for saying it again today.
344
00:12:57,044 --> 00:12:59,114
And for thinking it a lot
on the subway ride over.
345
00:12:59,179 --> 00:13:01,249
I had no right
to say that.
346
00:13:01,314 --> 00:13:02,524
It was hurtful
347
00:13:02,582 --> 00:13:04,182
and immature and I'm sorry.
348
00:13:04,251 --> 00:13:05,391
Oh, shut up.
349
00:13:05,452 --> 00:13:06,852
You think I don't know
350
00:13:06,920 --> 00:13:09,090
your fake apologies
by now, Ted Mosby?
351
00:13:09,156 --> 00:13:09,916
Huh?
352
00:13:09,990 --> 00:13:11,890
You're clearly still mad at me.
353
00:13:11,959 --> 00:13:13,989
I'm not mad at you.
Yes, you are.
354
00:13:14,061 --> 00:13:16,501
I am not mad at you, Lily.
Now, can we please just...
355
00:13:16,563 --> 00:13:18,503
I've apologized to Marshall
and he's forgiven me
356
00:13:18,565 --> 00:13:20,665
and we've moved passed it.
Why can't you?
357
00:13:20,733 --> 00:13:23,343
Because you never
apologized to me.
358
00:13:24,571 --> 00:13:26,041
Marshall's not the only one
you walked out on.
359
00:13:26,106 --> 00:13:28,276
You leave for three months,
you don't even call.
360
00:13:28,341 --> 00:13:30,911
Come on, Lily, we're supposed
to be friends!
361
00:13:30,978 --> 00:13:32,908
Yeah, some friend,
you called me a Grinch.
362
00:13:32,980 --> 00:13:33,950
You were a Grinch!
363
00:13:34,014 --> 00:13:35,824
How can you...
Grinchy,
364
00:13:35,883 --> 00:13:39,523
grinch, grinch, grinch
grinch, grinch, grinch.
365
00:13:40,587 --> 00:13:42,087
Happy?
366
00:13:42,155 --> 00:13:44,555
Now, you've pissed off
the big guy upstairs.
367
00:13:44,624 --> 00:13:46,594
Yeah, I'm sure God cares if I...
368
00:13:46,659 --> 00:13:50,029
BIG GUY UPSTAIRS:
You use that language again
and I'll turn off your water!
369
00:13:50,097 --> 00:13:52,097
That's my super.
He lives above me.
370
00:13:52,165 --> 00:13:52,925
Great.
371
00:13:53,000 --> 00:13:54,300
Thanks to your filthy mouth,
372
00:13:54,367 --> 00:13:56,467
now I'm going to have Christmas
alone in the dark.
373
00:13:56,536 --> 00:13:59,436
Fine. I don't want
to ruin Christmas.
374
00:13:59,506 --> 00:14:00,366
You can have the apartment.
375
00:14:00,440 --> 00:14:01,880
Don't worry
about seeing me there
376
00:14:01,942 --> 00:14:03,612
I'll be in Staten Island
with my cousin Stacy.
377
00:14:03,676 --> 00:14:05,546
Just....
378
00:14:07,480 --> 00:14:09,280
Ow.
379
00:14:12,685 --> 00:14:14,185
Merry Christmas.
380
00:14:15,422 --> 00:14:17,662
You're spending Christmas Eve
with your family?
381
00:14:17,724 --> 00:14:20,434
Baby, that sucks. I'm so sorry.
382
00:14:20,493 --> 00:14:23,063
Uh, they're fine. They're
just... they're a little weird.
383
00:14:23,130 --> 00:14:25,270
You know they don't believe
in gifts or Christmas trees.
384
00:14:25,332 --> 00:14:27,532
And they think Santa's
how Satan spells his name
385
00:14:27,600 --> 00:14:29,240
when he wants to trick us.
386
00:14:29,302 --> 00:14:31,702
Well, do you want me to go
with you?
387
00:14:31,771 --> 00:14:32,641
Was that a sincere offer?
388
00:14:32,705 --> 00:14:34,465
First tell me your answer.
389
00:14:34,541 --> 00:14:36,341
Stay there. Save yourself.
390
00:14:36,409 --> 00:14:38,109
We'll spend all day
together tomorrow.
391
00:14:38,178 --> 00:14:38,908
Okay.
392
00:14:38,979 --> 00:14:40,149
Oh, how's Barney feeling?
393
00:14:40,213 --> 00:14:42,723
You mean the whiney bottomless
pit of neediness?
394
00:14:42,782 --> 00:14:46,592
He was bugging me, so I spiked
his echinacea tea with codeine.
395
00:14:48,721 --> 00:14:50,321
You're gonna be a great mom.
396
00:14:50,390 --> 00:14:51,890
Mm-hmm.
397
00:14:53,593 --> 00:14:59,473
Holy crap, the magical
Christmas season is upon us.
398
00:14:59,532 --> 00:15:02,772
And thank God we don't pay
for utilities.
399
00:15:02,835 --> 00:15:06,465
Merry Christmas!
What's in the box?
400
00:15:06,539 --> 00:15:09,439
Only the best Christmas present
for the best girl ever.
401
00:15:09,509 --> 00:15:11,409
It took me all day
to track it down.
402
00:15:11,478 --> 00:15:13,608
I thought you were
writing a paper.
403
00:15:13,680 --> 00:15:14,780
Ah, naw, I blew that off.
404
00:15:14,847 --> 00:15:16,217
I'll get an extension.
School's not important.
405
00:15:16,283 --> 00:15:20,253
What is that pitter
patter on the roof?
406
00:15:20,320 --> 00:15:24,190
Could it be the sound of
an awesome Christmas story
407
00:15:24,257 --> 00:15:25,757
about to come down
the chimney?
408
00:15:25,825 --> 00:15:28,155
Why, yes, it is.
409
00:15:28,228 --> 00:15:31,028
'Twas the day before
Christmas...
410
00:15:31,098 --> 00:15:33,028
It was supposed to arrive,
like, five days ago,
411
00:15:33,100 --> 00:15:34,970
but then it got lost
and rerouted.
412
00:15:35,035 --> 00:15:35,995
I checked two other branches,
413
00:15:36,069 --> 00:15:37,439
finally they told me
it was here.
414
00:15:37,504 --> 00:15:39,944
Yeah, all I needed to know was
the tracking number.
415
00:15:40,873 --> 00:15:42,313
Looks like it's headed out
416
00:15:42,375 --> 00:15:44,175
to our regional branch
in Poughkeepsie.
417
00:15:44,244 --> 00:15:45,484
What?
418
00:15:45,545 --> 00:15:48,645
No, no, no, no,
I need that package today.
419
00:15:48,715 --> 00:15:50,545
Listen, the truck already
left five minutes ago,
420
00:15:50,617 --> 00:15:53,187
so unless you want to run
after it...
421
00:15:53,253 --> 00:15:55,923
Stop!
422
00:15:55,989 --> 00:15:57,619
Stop!
423
00:15:57,690 --> 00:15:59,590
Stop, please, stop.
424
00:15:59,659 --> 00:16:02,399
Stop the truck.
425
00:16:05,398 --> 00:16:07,228
(panting):
I need a package on your truck.
426
00:16:07,300 --> 00:16:08,340
Can I please take a look
in back?
427
00:16:08,401 --> 00:16:10,841
Sure. But I gotta keep
driving my route.
428
00:16:10,903 --> 00:16:12,173
I'm running behind.
429
00:16:13,840 --> 00:16:15,780
(screeching)
430
00:16:15,842 --> 00:16:18,282
Whoa.
431
00:16:18,345 --> 00:16:19,545
WPD DRIVER:
My bad.
432
00:16:19,612 --> 00:16:21,582
I'm okay.
433
00:16:23,950 --> 00:16:25,290
Hey, man,
434
00:16:25,352 --> 00:16:27,522
thanks for helping me make
my fiancée's Christmas.
435
00:16:27,587 --> 00:16:28,617
No problem.
436
00:16:28,688 --> 00:16:30,688
Too bad I can't deliver
all these packages
437
00:16:30,757 --> 00:16:32,157
by the end of the day.
438
00:16:32,225 --> 00:16:34,825
Wait, so some people aren't
going to get their gifts
439
00:16:34,894 --> 00:16:36,464
in time for Christmas?
440
00:16:36,529 --> 00:16:38,599
Sadly, no.
441
00:16:49,876 --> 00:16:52,676
* They call me back door Santa *
442
00:16:52,745 --> 00:16:57,115
* I make my runs
about the break of day *
443
00:16:59,919 --> 00:17:03,019
* They call me back door Santa *
444
00:17:03,090 --> 00:17:06,560
* I make my runs
about the break of day *
445
00:17:06,626 --> 00:17:07,586
* Oh, ho, ho *
446
00:17:07,660 --> 00:17:11,400
* I make all the little
girls happy... *
447
00:17:11,464 --> 00:17:13,874
We delivered every single
package on that truck.
448
00:17:13,933 --> 00:17:15,143
Oh.
449
00:17:15,202 --> 00:17:16,572
But I still have one package
left to give.
450
00:17:16,636 --> 00:17:17,366
Mmm.
451
00:17:17,437 --> 00:17:18,037
Yeah, I did.
452
00:17:18,105 --> 00:17:19,165
(giggles)
453
00:17:19,239 --> 00:17:21,209
Merry Christmas.
454
00:17:22,109 --> 00:17:23,809
Open it, Baby.
Okay.
455
00:17:23,876 --> 00:17:25,076
Ah.
456
00:17:25,145 --> 00:17:27,145
Oh, my God.
457
00:17:27,214 --> 00:17:29,884
An Easy Bake Oven!
458
00:17:29,949 --> 00:17:32,789
I've wanted one of these ever
since I was a little girl.
459
00:17:32,852 --> 00:17:34,522
In this exact model.
460
00:17:35,555 --> 00:17:38,225
I never told you that.
How did you know?
461
00:17:39,526 --> 00:17:41,356
It's our first Christmas
since we got back together.
462
00:17:41,428 --> 00:17:43,158
I want to get her something
really special.
463
00:17:43,230 --> 00:17:44,760
So I'm getting her
a jukebox.
464
00:17:44,831 --> 00:17:46,871
Wow, that's a great gift.
465
00:17:46,933 --> 00:17:50,243
Not really. It's this big
and it dispenses gum.
466
00:17:50,303 --> 00:17:54,113
Oh, man, I know something
you could get her
467
00:17:54,174 --> 00:17:56,344
that would blow her mind.
468
00:17:57,110 --> 00:17:58,650
Ready?
469
00:17:58,711 --> 00:18:00,111
Eight years ago...
470
00:18:00,180 --> 00:18:02,320
(reggae playing)
471
00:18:02,382 --> 00:18:06,352
When I was a kid, all I wanted
was an Easy Bake Oven.
472
00:18:06,419 --> 00:18:09,189
I begged and I begged,
but all I got
473
00:18:09,256 --> 00:18:10,916
was a stupid Lego set
474
00:18:10,990 --> 00:18:13,690
because my feminist mom didn't
want me conforming
475
00:18:13,760 --> 00:18:15,560
to traditional gender roles.
476
00:18:15,628 --> 00:18:20,698
Easy Bake Oven-- that's what
I'm going to call my van.
477
00:18:23,703 --> 00:18:25,143
Dude...
478
00:18:25,205 --> 00:18:26,835
how was the concert?
479
00:18:28,608 --> 00:18:31,908
I couldn't find the outside.
480
00:18:31,978 --> 00:18:34,108
(laughing)
481
00:18:35,882 --> 00:18:39,092
I can't believe Ted remembered
after all these years.
482
00:18:39,152 --> 00:18:41,322
Yeah, and after all that weed.
483
00:18:42,655 --> 00:18:43,685
Where is he anyway?
484
00:18:43,756 --> 00:18:45,756
Staten Island.
485
00:18:45,825 --> 00:18:47,655
Why?
486
00:18:51,964 --> 00:18:55,974
Okay, don't tell your mom, but
I got you guys some presents.
487
00:18:56,035 --> 00:18:57,965
Like the gift
of God's love?
488
00:18:58,037 --> 00:18:59,667
No, dude, real presents.
489
00:19:01,508 --> 00:19:03,138
Uncle Ted got us presents!
490
00:19:04,444 --> 00:19:07,684
That's okay, Ted, we'll
just give them to charity.
491
00:19:07,747 --> 00:19:08,917
Yay!
492
00:19:08,981 --> 00:19:10,281
Uh, not you, Charity.
493
00:19:10,350 --> 00:19:12,350
I meant the less fortunate.
494
00:19:13,920 --> 00:19:16,090
Ted, how would you like
to say grace tonight?
495
00:19:16,155 --> 00:19:19,055
Uh, you know what,
why don't you say it.
496
00:19:19,125 --> 00:19:20,725
I really wouldn't know
what to say.
497
00:19:20,793 --> 00:19:23,103
Why don't you recite your
favorite passage of scripture.
498
00:19:23,162 --> 00:19:25,532
That's a great idea, Charity.
499
00:19:25,598 --> 00:19:27,368
But, really,
I don't know.
500
00:19:27,434 --> 00:19:29,844
I mean how do you choose
your favorite passage?
501
00:19:29,902 --> 00:19:31,002
It's the Bible;
502
00:19:31,070 --> 00:19:33,840
there's so many...
great ones...
503
00:19:33,906 --> 00:19:35,736
That one from Pulp
Fiction's pretty cool.
504
00:19:35,808 --> 00:19:38,408
(doorbell ringing)
Ooh, I'll get it.
Charity, I'm tapping you in.
505
00:19:38,478 --> 00:19:41,378
Dear, Father, thank you
for this day,
506
00:19:41,448 --> 00:19:44,148
and thank you for bringing
this family together.
507
00:19:44,217 --> 00:19:45,647
Amen.
508
00:19:45,718 --> 00:19:46,718
Who is it, Ted?
509
00:19:47,887 --> 00:19:51,717
Uh, it's...
it's just, um, carolers.
510
00:19:54,827 --> 00:19:58,497
* Silent night *
511
00:19:58,565 --> 00:20:02,295
ALL:
* Holy night... *
512
00:20:02,369 --> 00:20:06,309
I came here to apologize.
513
00:20:06,373 --> 00:20:07,443
I'm so sorry, Ted.
514
00:20:07,507 --> 00:20:09,207
I accept. Give me the beer.
515
00:20:12,845 --> 00:20:16,045
Mm, oh, it is so good
to see you guys.
516
00:20:16,115 --> 00:20:17,545
Are you coming home?
517
00:20:17,617 --> 00:20:20,317
Totally.
518
00:20:20,387 --> 00:20:22,687
But first, Lily, I owe
you an apology.
519
00:20:22,755 --> 00:20:26,685
Oh, for the love of God, are you
as sick of apologies as I am?
Yes!
520
00:20:26,759 --> 00:20:29,929
Can we just skip the apology and
go straight to the forgiving?
Yes.
521
00:20:29,996 --> 00:20:34,696
And I promise, I will
never ever call you
a... you know, again.
522
00:20:34,767 --> 00:20:35,997
That's okay.
523
00:20:36,068 --> 00:20:37,498
I was kind of a Grinch.
524
00:20:37,570 --> 00:20:39,410
What's a Grinch?
525
00:20:40,607 --> 00:20:43,477
Nothing. It's something
you shouldn't say.
526
00:20:43,543 --> 00:20:46,253
Mom, what's a Grinch?
527
00:20:47,347 --> 00:20:48,447
Grinch, Grinch, Grinch...
528
00:20:48,515 --> 00:20:49,475
(kids chanting):
Grinch, Grinch, Grinch...
529
00:20:49,549 --> 00:20:51,949
...Grinch, Grinch, Grinch...
530
00:20:52,018 --> 00:20:53,548
...Grinch, Grinch, Grinch...
531
00:20:53,620 --> 00:20:56,160
...Grinch, Grinch...
Merry Christmas, everybody.
532
00:20:56,222 --> 00:20:58,732
Run, run.
533
00:21:17,109 --> 00:21:18,879
Merry Christmas, Marshall.
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