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1
00:00:01,302 --> 00:00:03,042
TED:
Kids, there's nothing
2
00:00:03,071 --> 00:00:04,471
more wonderful
than New York City
3
00:00:04,505 --> 00:00:07,075
in the winter... except
the view of New York City
4
00:00:07,108 --> 00:00:08,938
in the winter
through your apartment window.
5
00:00:08,976 --> 00:00:11,076
In the winter of 2006,
6
00:00:11,112 --> 00:00:12,982
Marshall, Lily,
Robin and I were all deep
7
00:00:13,013 --> 00:00:14,823
in couple hibernation mode.
8
00:00:14,848 --> 00:00:17,418
Sadly, this left Uncle Barney
out in the cold.
9
00:00:17,451 --> 00:00:18,591
Okay.
10
00:00:18,619 --> 00:00:19,919
All-night rave,
11
00:00:19,953 --> 00:00:21,563
abandoned tire factory
in Newark.
12
00:00:21,589 --> 00:00:23,289
We're on the list. Who's in?
13
00:00:23,324 --> 00:00:25,364
Nope.
No.
No.
No.
14
00:00:26,460 --> 00:00:28,000
Private jet.
15
00:00:28,028 --> 00:00:29,128
Teeterboro Airport,
16
00:00:29,163 --> 00:00:30,903
skinny-skydiving.
Who's in?
17
00:00:30,931 --> 00:00:32,131
Nope.
Nah.
No, thanks.
18
00:00:33,567 --> 00:00:35,597
One beer.
19
00:00:35,636 --> 00:00:37,166
Bar, downstairs,
20
00:00:37,205 --> 00:00:39,505
15 second walk. Who's in?
21
00:00:39,540 --> 00:00:40,940
Shh...
22
00:00:40,974 --> 00:00:42,644
(whispering):
Lily went sleepy-bye.
23
00:00:44,912 --> 00:00:46,252
It got so bad, Barney
24
00:00:46,280 --> 00:00:48,550
tried to be his own wingman.
Hi.
25
00:00:48,582 --> 00:00:49,782
Have you met me?
26
00:00:52,286 --> 00:00:54,886
Finally, he decided
to bring in reinforcements.
27
00:00:54,922 --> 00:00:56,122
ALL:
No.
28
00:00:56,157 --> 00:00:58,787
Yes. And do you know why?
29
00:00:58,826 --> 00:01:02,196
Hang onto your bedsores,
grandparents from Willy Wonka,
30
00:01:02,230 --> 00:01:03,660
because guess who's
31
00:01:03,697 --> 00:01:05,927
on his way up
to this apartment right now?
32
00:01:05,966 --> 00:01:08,736
My... wait for it...
33
00:01:08,769 --> 00:01:10,999
brother, James. React.
34
00:01:11,038 --> 00:01:12,268
ALL:
Hey!
35
00:01:12,306 --> 00:01:13,336
You have a brother?
36
00:01:13,374 --> 00:01:15,284
Yeah. He's the "awesome-est,"
37
00:01:15,309 --> 00:01:16,609
most best "looking-est,"
38
00:01:16,644 --> 00:01:17,914
greatest guy ever.
39
00:01:17,945 --> 00:01:20,075
He's exactly like Barney.
40
00:01:20,114 --> 00:01:21,824
That's what I just said.
41
00:01:23,016 --> 00:01:25,186
Well, Barney and his brother
aren't exactly alike.
42
00:01:25,219 --> 00:01:26,149
James is gay.
43
00:01:26,187 --> 00:01:27,487
Really?
44
00:01:27,521 --> 00:01:29,021
I never in a
million years
45
00:01:29,056 --> 00:01:31,086
would I picture you
with a gay brother,
that's awesome.
46
00:01:31,125 --> 00:01:32,225
Yeah. I just wanted you
47
00:01:32,260 --> 00:01:33,960
to have a heads up,
so you don't
48
00:01:33,994 --> 00:01:35,204
act all surprised
when he gets here.
49
00:01:35,229 --> 00:01:37,169
(knocking)
Okay. Here he is.
50
00:01:39,200 --> 00:01:41,300
What up, New York.
51
00:01:43,737 --> 00:01:44,837
Thanks for the heads up.
52
00:02:00,788 --> 00:02:02,718
How in God's name
did it never come up
53
00:02:02,756 --> 00:02:04,826
that Barney has a
gay, black brother?
54
00:02:04,858 --> 00:02:06,828
Is he black?
55
00:02:06,860 --> 00:02:08,500
I guess I'm the kind
of person that focuses
56
00:02:08,529 --> 00:02:09,699
on who people are
on the inside
57
00:02:09,730 --> 00:02:12,370
rather than the color
of their skin.
58
00:02:12,400 --> 00:02:14,370
I'm kidding, I just
wanted to see your face.
59
00:02:15,536 --> 00:02:17,366
Yeah, so now the
wedding's back on.
60
00:02:17,405 --> 00:02:19,005
Anyway, James,
how have you been?
61
00:02:19,039 --> 00:02:20,439
Awesome, as per "yoozh."
62
00:02:20,474 --> 00:02:22,084
I just went
skinny-skydiving.
63
00:02:22,109 --> 00:02:23,279
Legendary.
64
00:02:23,311 --> 00:02:24,551
And my laser tag team,
65
00:02:24,578 --> 00:02:26,008
just made it to
regional finals.
66
00:02:26,046 --> 00:02:27,716
"Legendarier."
67
00:02:27,748 --> 00:02:28,678
And by now you've
68
00:02:28,716 --> 00:02:31,016
noticed the suit--
go 'head, touch it.
69
00:02:31,051 --> 00:02:33,291
Handcrafted
by Pietro Dellacamera,
70
00:02:33,321 --> 00:02:37,731
Milan's famous
101-year-old tailor
71
00:02:37,758 --> 00:02:39,888
who upon completing
the very last stitch
72
00:02:39,927 --> 00:02:41,627
in this suit
dropped dead,
73
00:02:41,662 --> 00:02:43,602
which is ironic
because that is how
74
00:02:43,631 --> 00:02:45,731
gorgeous I look
in it. C'mon.
75
00:02:45,766 --> 00:02:48,536
(vocalizing)
(mimics shutter clicks)
76
00:02:49,470 --> 00:02:51,270
(mimics aerosol spraying)
77
00:02:51,305 --> 00:02:52,705
Gimme five.
78
00:02:52,740 --> 00:02:54,440
Is "gimme five" back?
Oh, yeah.
79
00:02:54,475 --> 00:02:56,575
I put it in my
blog this morning.
80
00:02:56,610 --> 00:02:58,880
Guys, "gimme five"
is back!
81
00:02:58,912 --> 00:03:01,382
Oh, James, this is
my girlfriend, Robin.
Hey.
82
00:03:01,415 --> 00:03:03,515
It's so nice to meet you.
You, too.
83
00:03:03,551 --> 00:03:06,051
So, I have to ask,
there's a story here.
84
00:03:06,086 --> 00:03:08,416
BOTH (snickering):
Please.
85
00:03:08,456 --> 00:03:11,086
The truth is, Barney and James
got a lot of...
86
00:03:11,124 --> 00:03:13,334
different explanations
from their mom over the years.
87
00:03:13,361 --> 00:03:15,601
Well, boys, you
look different
88
00:03:15,629 --> 00:03:17,499
because when I was
pregnant with you,
89
00:03:17,531 --> 00:03:19,601
I only ate
vanilla ice cream.
90
00:03:19,633 --> 00:03:21,643
And when I was
pregnant with you,
91
00:03:21,669 --> 00:03:23,899
can you guess what kind
of ice cream I ate?
92
00:03:23,937 --> 00:03:26,107
Coffee?
No, James,
93
00:03:26,139 --> 00:03:28,279
I ate chocolate
ice cream.
94
00:03:28,309 --> 00:03:30,339
But I did drink
tons of coffee
95
00:03:30,378 --> 00:03:31,778
when I was pregnant
with both of you.
96
00:03:31,812 --> 00:03:33,582
Can't smoke
without my coffee.
97
00:03:33,614 --> 00:03:34,784
(Mom laughs)
98
00:03:34,815 --> 00:03:38,715
I don't know, boys, I guess
it's just one of those things.
99
00:03:40,020 --> 00:03:41,490
Stop asking me!
100
00:03:41,522 --> 00:03:42,862
You know what
you two are?
101
00:03:42,890 --> 00:03:44,660
You're little racists!
102
00:03:44,692 --> 00:03:46,462
So what are you guys
gonna do tonight?
103
00:03:46,494 --> 00:03:47,964
I'll tell you
what James is gonna do.
104
00:03:47,995 --> 00:03:50,125
He's gonna do the job
you've been neglecting.
105
00:03:50,163 --> 00:03:51,733
And, as always,
he'll do it
106
00:03:51,765 --> 00:03:53,525
a lot better
than you ever did.
107
00:03:53,567 --> 00:03:55,237
Ted...
108
00:03:55,269 --> 00:03:58,239
James is my wingman now.
109
00:03:58,272 --> 00:04:00,672
Okay.
110
00:04:00,708 --> 00:04:02,878
Last time James
was in town,
111
00:04:02,910 --> 00:04:04,480
Barney got slapped once,
112
00:04:04,512 --> 00:04:06,282
lucky twice, and...
113
00:04:06,314 --> 00:04:07,824
whose penthouse hot tub
did you end up in?
114
00:04:07,848 --> 00:04:10,078
Ah, public figure,
confidentiality agreement.
115
00:04:10,117 --> 00:04:11,387
But I will say this:
116
00:04:11,419 --> 00:04:13,389
way more back hair than any guy
117
00:04:13,421 --> 00:04:15,891
who can afford laser hair
removal should have.
118
00:04:15,923 --> 00:04:17,733
And then there was the time
119
00:04:17,758 --> 00:04:20,188
they scored the
brother/sister combo.
120
00:04:20,227 --> 00:04:21,427
It was everything
121
00:04:21,462 --> 00:04:22,862
we ever dreamed
of when watching
122
00:04:22,896 --> 00:04:24,256
Donnie and Marie.
123
00:04:24,298 --> 00:04:25,768
She was a little bit country.
124
00:04:25,799 --> 00:04:28,769
He was a little bit
way into black guys.
125
00:04:28,802 --> 00:04:31,972
Yeah, Barney and James together
was a lethal combination.
126
00:04:32,005 --> 00:04:34,635
Since there was never
any crossover in targets,
127
00:04:34,675 --> 00:04:37,075
James was always there
for Barney with the assist.
128
00:04:37,110 --> 00:04:39,010
(snaps fingers)
129
00:04:41,214 --> 00:04:43,184
(mimics skidding):
Whoa.
130
00:04:43,216 --> 00:04:44,986
Your scarf...
131
00:04:45,018 --> 00:04:46,248
it is fierce!
132
00:04:46,286 --> 00:04:47,916
Thanks. H & M.
133
00:04:47,955 --> 00:04:49,355
What? I would never know,
134
00:04:49,390 --> 00:04:51,990
'cause it is so hot
that my eyes are melting.
135
00:04:52,025 --> 00:04:53,785
Oh, I can't see.
136
00:04:53,827 --> 00:04:56,327
Hey! You know,
speaking of things
137
00:04:56,364 --> 00:04:58,474
that would look good
wrapped around you,
138
00:04:58,499 --> 00:05:01,029
have you met my straight
brother, Barney?
139
00:05:01,068 --> 00:05:02,968
Oh, he is fab--
don't you go nowhere--
140
00:05:03,003 --> 00:05:04,103
"ulous." Okay?
141
00:05:04,137 --> 00:05:05,307
(laughing)
142
00:05:05,339 --> 00:05:07,479
And Barney always returned
the favor.
143
00:05:07,508 --> 00:05:09,078
Help, I don't think
he's breathing.
144
00:05:09,109 --> 00:05:10,879
Does anyone know
mouth-to-mouth?
145
00:05:10,911 --> 00:05:12,081
Oh, my God, I do!
146
00:05:13,246 --> 00:05:15,016
Okay, great. How
'bout you instead?
147
00:05:16,684 --> 00:05:18,754
Oh, man, I am so
excited that you're here!
148
00:05:18,786 --> 00:05:20,516
It has been forever
since I have been around
149
00:05:20,554 --> 00:05:22,464
anyone even remotely fun.
150
00:05:22,490 --> 00:05:24,120
Uh, yes offense.
151
00:05:24,157 --> 00:05:26,987
You guys are still going out
with us tonight, right?
152
00:05:27,027 --> 00:05:27,827
No.
153
00:05:27,861 --> 00:05:29,031
Jammies.
I don't think so.
154
00:05:29,062 --> 00:05:30,532
Tonight? It's after 9:00
155
00:05:30,564 --> 00:05:33,704
and... I have
warm soup belly.
156
00:05:33,734 --> 00:05:36,244
Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Guys...
157
00:05:36,269 --> 00:05:39,339
you are young,
attractive people here
158
00:05:39,373 --> 00:05:41,343
in the greatest city on earth.
159
00:05:41,375 --> 00:05:42,935
There are boys and girls
160
00:05:42,976 --> 00:05:45,576
in Nobody Cares, Wyoming,
wishing they could be here.
161
00:05:45,613 --> 00:05:47,623
But instead, they are
in someone's basement
162
00:05:47,648 --> 00:05:49,618
drinking bad malt liquor,
debating
163
00:05:49,650 --> 00:05:51,720
whether or not they're going
to spend their Saturday night
164
00:05:51,752 --> 00:05:53,352
in the parking lot
of the feed store
165
00:05:53,387 --> 00:05:55,217
or in some other dude's
basement.
166
00:05:55,255 --> 00:05:57,255
You owe it to them
167
00:05:57,290 --> 00:05:59,760
to rise up and shimmy
your lazy asses
168
00:05:59,793 --> 00:06:01,633
into something hot,
and you go out there
169
00:06:01,662 --> 00:06:03,602
and you live their dream!
170
00:06:03,631 --> 00:06:04,601
Can I get a "hell, yeah"?
171
00:06:04,632 --> 00:06:05,972
Hell, yeah!
Hell, yeah!
172
00:06:05,999 --> 00:06:07,739
Can I get a "hell, yeah"?
All:
Hell, yeah!
173
00:06:07,768 --> 00:06:10,068
Can I get a "woo-woo"?
ALL:
Woo-woo!
174
00:06:10,103 --> 00:06:11,103
Go do it for Wyoming!
175
00:06:11,138 --> 00:06:13,008
(excited screams)
Yes!
176
00:06:13,040 --> 00:06:14,710
Testify!
177
00:06:14,742 --> 00:06:17,482
So that night,
Barney got his wish.
178
00:06:17,511 --> 00:06:18,951
We all went out.
179
00:06:18,979 --> 00:06:21,109
Daddy's home!
180
00:06:21,148 --> 00:06:23,018
Yeah.
181
00:06:24,452 --> 00:06:26,392
All right, bro.
What do you like?
182
00:06:26,420 --> 00:06:28,490
Guy in super
tight black T?
183
00:06:28,522 --> 00:06:30,322
Super tight black guy?
184
00:06:30,357 --> 00:06:31,987
Guy who looks like Mr. T?
185
00:06:32,025 --> 00:06:33,355
Mmm, yes, yes, and...
186
00:06:33,393 --> 00:06:35,463
talk to me
after two martinis.
187
00:06:35,496 --> 00:06:37,466
Let's focus on you, my man.
188
00:06:37,498 --> 00:06:39,098
I'm feeling lazy.
189
00:06:39,132 --> 00:06:41,172
(gasps):
How 'bout girl with
the chocolatini?
190
00:06:41,201 --> 00:06:43,501
Oh... boom, back tattoo.
191
00:06:44,472 --> 00:06:46,272
Hero and the pig?
Let's ride.
192
00:06:46,306 --> 00:06:47,636
Fo' 'sho.
193
00:06:49,777 --> 00:06:52,907
Damn baby,
nice tramp stamp!
194
00:06:52,946 --> 00:06:54,106
Get off me, you pig!
195
00:06:54,147 --> 00:06:55,447
Hey! Her body art
196
00:06:55,483 --> 00:06:56,723
is not an invitation
to grope her,
197
00:06:56,750 --> 00:06:58,720
it's an expression
of her inner self.
198
00:06:58,752 --> 00:07:00,292
I'm sure, in many ways, she is
199
00:07:00,320 --> 00:07:02,190
the dolphin encircled
by flowers.
200
00:07:03,156 --> 00:07:04,416
What? What?
What? What?
201
00:07:04,458 --> 00:07:06,658
Cool.
202
00:07:08,696 --> 00:07:10,626
Let me know if he
bothers you again.
Thanks.
203
00:07:10,664 --> 00:07:12,204
You should stay close...
204
00:07:12,232 --> 00:07:13,472
just in case.
205
00:07:13,501 --> 00:07:15,971
Sure. If it'll make
you feel safer.
206
00:07:16,003 --> 00:07:17,843
I'm Barney.
207
00:07:17,871 --> 00:07:21,371
Now, kids, when you're out
at a noisy, crowded bar,
208
00:07:21,408 --> 00:07:22,708
you can always tell
the difference
209
00:07:22,743 --> 00:07:24,513
between the singles
210
00:07:24,545 --> 00:07:25,905
and the couples.
211
00:07:25,946 --> 00:07:27,676
You just have to look
for the signs.
212
00:07:28,616 --> 00:07:29,976
Break.
Boiling hot.
213
00:07:30,017 --> 00:07:32,217
Singles stay on their feet
for maneuverability.
214
00:07:32,252 --> 00:07:33,692
Hey!
Hi, how are ya?
215
00:07:33,721 --> 00:07:36,091
BOTH:
Have you met my brother?
216
00:07:37,224 --> 00:07:39,564
Oh, hello.
Have a drink.
217
00:07:39,593 --> 00:07:41,063
Nice to meet ya.
218
00:07:43,764 --> 00:07:45,004
Couples, exhausted
219
00:07:45,032 --> 00:07:47,542
by the sheer act of leaving
the house, are obsessed
220
00:07:47,568 --> 00:07:49,068
with finding
a place to sit down.
221
00:07:50,170 --> 00:07:51,640
There are a lot of other
indicators, too.
222
00:07:51,672 --> 00:07:54,042
From choice
of social lubricant...
223
00:07:54,074 --> 00:07:55,344
Woo!
Wow!
224
00:07:55,375 --> 00:07:57,605
...to basic body language.
225
00:07:57,645 --> 00:07:59,645
But the point is,
226
00:07:59,680 --> 00:08:02,180
there are many ways to tell
whether someone has
227
00:08:02,215 --> 00:08:04,585
Single Stamina or Couples Coma.
228
00:08:04,618 --> 00:08:05,988
I wish I would've worn sneakers.
229
00:08:06,019 --> 00:08:08,689
I just got finished running
from some fat, hairy guy
230
00:08:08,722 --> 00:08:11,532
who was periscoping
out of his pleather pants.
231
00:08:11,559 --> 00:08:13,589
Permission
to come aboard denied.
232
00:08:13,627 --> 00:08:15,957
I miss my jammies.
233
00:08:15,996 --> 00:08:18,296
I can't believe I
wore a bra for this.
234
00:08:18,331 --> 00:08:21,541
Bras suck. They're so
confining and unnatural.
235
00:08:21,569 --> 00:08:23,299
Yeah, they're like
a boobie zoo.
236
00:08:23,336 --> 00:08:24,266
MAN:
Well, why don't you
237
00:08:24,304 --> 00:08:25,944
take it off then and let
those puppies breathe?
238
00:08:25,973 --> 00:08:28,113
Oh, please go sweat
on someone else.
239
00:08:29,342 --> 00:08:30,882
Poor guy.
240
00:08:30,911 --> 00:08:32,551
Poor guy?
Poor my boobs.
241
00:08:32,580 --> 00:08:34,450
Well, it takes a lot
of guts to approach
242
00:08:34,481 --> 00:08:36,251
a girl and you
just crushed him.
243
00:08:36,283 --> 00:08:38,893
Oh, yeah, yeah. He looks
all broken up inside.
244
00:08:39,987 --> 00:08:41,657
Whatever, you guys have
no idea what it's like
245
00:08:41,689 --> 00:08:42,889
to be on the
receiving end.
246
00:08:43,924 --> 00:08:46,734
"Oh, poor me.
I'm a pretty girl
247
00:08:46,760 --> 00:08:48,560
"and everybody everywhere
wants to buy me
248
00:08:48,596 --> 00:08:49,956
drinks and have
sex with me."
249
00:08:49,997 --> 00:08:51,227
Waa.
250
00:08:51,264 --> 00:08:54,034
"Oh, poor me. I get
to order yummy, pink drinks
251
00:08:54,067 --> 00:08:56,137
"with chunks of real fruit
that guys secretly like,
252
00:08:56,169 --> 00:08:57,709
but can't order because
they'll be made fun of."
253
00:08:57,738 --> 00:09:00,268
Dude.
They're delicious!
254
00:09:00,307 --> 00:09:02,777
Excuse me. Join me in a shot?
255
00:09:02,810 --> 00:09:04,650
Oh, no thanks. I've had enough.
256
00:09:08,716 --> 00:09:10,446
He's too in shape,
we'd spend all night
257
00:09:10,483 --> 00:09:12,323
talking about
his body fat content.
258
00:09:13,887 --> 00:09:16,117
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna go have
259
00:09:16,156 --> 00:09:18,286
a yummy, pink drink
with fruit in it...
260
00:09:18,325 --> 00:09:19,625
because I can.
261
00:09:21,561 --> 00:09:23,861
You know, that was,
like, the third hot guy
262
00:09:23,897 --> 00:09:25,127
that James
blew off tonight.
263
00:09:25,165 --> 00:09:27,065
Yeah, he's turning
down shots,
264
00:09:27,100 --> 00:09:29,570
he's yawning, he's
whining about his feet.
265
00:09:29,603 --> 00:09:31,203
He's as bad as we are.
266
00:09:31,238 --> 00:09:32,238
He is.
267
00:09:32,272 --> 00:09:33,912
Wait, he's exactly
as bad as we are.
268
00:09:33,941 --> 00:09:34,881
You guys don't think
269
00:09:34,908 --> 00:09:37,278
that James is...
in a relationship?
270
00:09:37,310 --> 00:09:40,410
No. There's no way.
He's Barney's brother.
271
00:09:40,447 --> 00:09:41,647
Look at that.
272
00:09:43,016 --> 00:09:45,116
He's texting!
(all gasping)
273
00:09:45,152 --> 00:09:47,252
TED:
Oh, my God!
274
00:09:47,287 --> 00:09:48,587
He is in a couple.
275
00:09:48,622 --> 00:09:50,492
This is gonna kill Barney.
276
00:09:50,523 --> 00:09:51,833
What's gonna kill me?
277
00:09:52,626 --> 00:09:54,426
What's going on?
278
00:09:54,461 --> 00:09:56,001
B-Barney?
279
00:09:56,029 --> 00:09:58,369
Have you noticed
anything...
280
00:09:58,398 --> 00:10:00,268
different about James?
281
00:10:00,300 --> 00:10:01,700
No.
282
00:10:01,735 --> 00:10:04,965
I mean, he's glowing from his
peel, if that's what you mean.
283
00:10:06,606 --> 00:10:08,636
We have reason
to believe that James is,
284
00:10:08,676 --> 00:10:10,476
uh, maybe hiding
something from you.
285
00:10:10,510 --> 00:10:12,550
I-I know you're not gonna
like hearing this, but...
286
00:10:12,579 --> 00:10:13,709
Barney...
287
00:10:14,481 --> 00:10:17,351
your brother is...
288
00:10:17,384 --> 00:10:19,524
(whispering):
monogamous.
289
00:10:19,552 --> 00:10:21,862
That's ridiculous!
290
00:10:22,756 --> 00:10:24,756
Just because
he's a little sleepy,
291
00:10:24,792 --> 00:10:25,762
and he hasn't had sex
292
00:10:25,793 --> 00:10:28,633
with anyone
in a bathroom stall...
293
00:10:28,662 --> 00:10:30,102
Huh.
294
00:10:30,130 --> 00:10:33,430
He hasn't had sex with anyone
in a bathroom stall.
295
00:10:33,466 --> 00:10:35,396
And, Barney...
296
00:10:36,369 --> 00:10:37,599
I hate to be the one
297
00:10:37,637 --> 00:10:41,167
to tell you this,
but... he's texting.
298
00:10:41,208 --> 00:10:42,038
No, he...
299
00:10:42,075 --> 00:10:43,275
No!
300
00:10:45,478 --> 00:10:46,748
That...
301
00:10:46,780 --> 00:10:49,020
is impossible.
302
00:10:51,151 --> 00:10:52,291
Excuse...
303
00:10:52,319 --> 00:10:54,289
Excuse... Ex...
304
00:10:55,355 --> 00:10:56,455
Hey, bro.
305
00:10:56,489 --> 00:10:58,389
Don't change the subject.
306
00:10:58,425 --> 00:10:59,325
Let me see your phone.
307
00:10:59,359 --> 00:11:00,129
Why?
308
00:11:00,160 --> 00:11:01,530
I just want to
see your phone.
309
00:11:01,561 --> 00:11:02,761
Let me see
your phone.
310
00:11:02,796 --> 00:11:04,456
No, it's just a phone.
It's just a phone!
311
00:11:04,497 --> 00:11:06,727
And it's got Internet access,
and it's got a camera on it,
312
00:11:06,767 --> 00:11:08,737
and you can surf the Web
and do the whole thing.
313
00:11:08,769 --> 00:11:10,169
It's so amazing how far
technology has come.
314
00:11:10,203 --> 00:11:11,603
What kind of phone
do you have?
315
00:11:11,638 --> 00:11:13,268
I got...
316
00:11:17,745 --> 00:11:19,145
Who is this?
317
00:11:19,179 --> 00:11:21,919
And the answer better be:
"I don't remember his name."
318
00:11:23,817 --> 00:11:25,287
That is Tom.
319
00:11:26,686 --> 00:11:28,186
And he's my fiancé.
320
00:11:36,496 --> 00:11:38,666
(groans)
321
00:11:38,698 --> 00:11:40,468
I don't support this.
322
00:11:40,500 --> 00:11:41,570
Gay marriage?
323
00:11:41,601 --> 00:11:44,101
Not gay marriage-- marriage!
324
00:11:44,137 --> 00:11:45,207
(shivers)
325
00:11:45,238 --> 00:11:46,568
How can you do this?
326
00:11:46,606 --> 00:11:49,636
We were raised in the same
house, with the same values!
327
00:11:49,676 --> 00:11:50,706
Believe me,
328
00:11:50,744 --> 00:11:53,014
I fought this for a long time.
329
00:11:53,046 --> 00:11:55,016
Come on, it's embarrassing.
330
00:11:55,048 --> 00:11:56,718
Look,
331
00:11:56,750 --> 00:11:58,790
this felt unnatural
to me, too, at first.
332
00:11:58,819 --> 00:12:00,789
But I fell in love.
333
00:12:01,789 --> 00:12:03,719
And Tom and I realized
you can't fight love.
334
00:12:03,757 --> 00:12:04,927
Oh, God.
335
00:12:04,958 --> 00:12:06,288
Is that what
you two do together?
336
00:12:06,326 --> 00:12:08,796
You sit around the house
and talk about love?
337
00:12:08,829 --> 00:12:10,799
I think... (groans)
I'm gonna be sick.
338
00:12:10,831 --> 00:12:12,901
Okay, okay, look,
339
00:12:12,933 --> 00:12:14,843
I need you to wrap your head
around this, okay?
340
00:12:14,868 --> 00:12:16,068
Because it is happening.
341
00:12:17,004 --> 00:12:19,414
And I want you
to be my best man.
342
00:12:19,439 --> 00:12:20,769
What?
343
00:12:20,808 --> 00:12:22,208
No way.
344
00:12:26,346 --> 00:12:28,346
Well, I'm sorry
you feel that way.
345
00:12:33,686 --> 00:12:35,486
I hope you
change your mind.
346
00:12:40,994 --> 00:12:42,034
Two beers, one shot.
347
00:12:42,062 --> 00:12:44,502
Oh, it's a freaking epidemic.
348
00:12:46,466 --> 00:12:48,666
(giggling)
349
00:12:48,701 --> 00:12:50,041
Oh, sweetie!
350
00:12:50,070 --> 00:12:51,370
Did you make that for me?
351
00:12:52,439 --> 00:12:54,109
Yes.
352
00:12:55,708 --> 00:12:57,508
Clam Bake.
353
00:12:57,544 --> 00:12:59,114
Staten Island. Who's in?
354
00:13:00,047 --> 00:13:02,147
Okay, I didn't have
high hopes for that one.
355
00:13:02,182 --> 00:13:04,682
Okay, here's my thing.
356
00:13:04,717 --> 00:13:06,517
If gay guys
start getting married,
357
00:13:06,553 --> 00:13:08,593
then suddenly the whole world's
gonna be doing it.
358
00:13:08,621 --> 00:13:09,521
That's how it works.
359
00:13:09,556 --> 00:13:11,356
They start something,
then six months later,
360
00:13:11,391 --> 00:13:12,531
everyone follows.
361
00:13:13,693 --> 00:13:15,263
Like now everyone
gets manicures.
362
00:13:15,929 --> 00:13:16,859
I don't get manicures.
363
00:13:16,897 --> 00:13:18,797
Okay, then like how...
364
00:13:18,832 --> 00:13:19,932
Like getting your chest waxed.
365
00:13:19,967 --> 00:13:21,727
(gasps):
You get your chest waxed?
366
00:13:21,768 --> 00:13:23,138
You know what I mean!
367
00:13:23,971 --> 00:13:25,841
Gay marriage is going to cause
368
00:13:25,873 --> 00:13:28,283
single life, as we know it,
to die out.
369
00:13:28,308 --> 00:13:31,978
Think of how the American family
will be strengthened.
370
00:13:32,012 --> 00:13:33,152
Barney, I'm sorry you're upset,
371
00:13:33,180 --> 00:13:35,550
but you got to suck it up
and be a man about this.
372
00:13:35,582 --> 00:13:36,382
No.
373
00:13:36,416 --> 00:13:39,146
It's always been
me and him together,
374
00:13:39,186 --> 00:13:42,816
being awesome, while the rest
of you walked two-by-two
375
00:13:42,856 --> 00:13:44,956
onto your ark
of sexless boredom.
376
00:13:44,992 --> 00:13:47,392
Just because
James is getting married
377
00:13:47,427 --> 00:13:49,157
doesn't mean things
are going to change.
378
00:13:49,196 --> 00:13:50,556
Yeah.
379
00:13:50,597 --> 00:13:52,297
Like things haven't changed
with you people.
380
00:13:53,934 --> 00:13:55,874
Look, my sister married
a guy I didn't like.
381
00:13:55,903 --> 00:13:58,243
Sandals and socks--
come on, buddy.
382
00:13:58,271 --> 00:14:00,741
But I took her out,
we celebrated.
383
00:14:00,773 --> 00:14:02,083
It was the right
thing to do.
384
00:14:02,109 --> 00:14:03,379
You got to support him.
385
00:14:03,410 --> 00:14:05,580
Hmm.
386
00:14:05,612 --> 00:14:07,682
You're right, Ted.
387
00:14:07,714 --> 00:14:10,224
This is a cause for celebration.
388
00:14:10,250 --> 00:14:13,720
We need to take him out
and celebrate the commitment
389
00:14:13,753 --> 00:14:15,823
he and Tom are about to make.
390
00:14:15,855 --> 00:14:17,485
(dance music playing)
391
00:14:17,524 --> 00:14:19,394
Yeah.
392
00:14:19,426 --> 00:14:21,256
This is where we're
celebrating the commitment
393
00:14:21,294 --> 00:14:22,964
that Tom and I
are about to make?
394
00:14:22,996 --> 00:14:24,196
What? Yeah!
395
00:14:24,231 --> 00:14:27,331
See, that cage represents
your commitment.
396
00:14:30,837 --> 00:14:32,967
(giggling)
397
00:14:33,006 --> 00:14:34,166
Oh, my God.
398
00:14:34,207 --> 00:14:36,337
Freedom has never tasted
so delicious.
399
00:14:36,376 --> 00:14:37,906
Hey.
400
00:14:37,945 --> 00:14:39,245
You work out?
401
00:14:39,279 --> 00:14:41,109
I do.
402
00:14:41,148 --> 00:14:42,848
And thank you
for noticing.
403
00:14:42,882 --> 00:14:43,852
You're obviously
404
00:14:43,883 --> 00:14:45,393
in very good shape yourself.
405
00:14:45,418 --> 00:14:46,848
Well, I try.
406
00:14:46,886 --> 00:14:47,986
So you want
to dance?
407
00:14:48,021 --> 00:14:49,461
You know what?
408
00:14:49,489 --> 00:14:51,289
I'm very flattered,
and, objectively,
409
00:14:51,324 --> 00:14:52,734
you're a very
attractive man,
410
00:14:52,759 --> 00:14:54,059
but this is actually
my fiancée.
411
00:14:54,094 --> 00:14:55,464
I'm sorry.
412
00:14:55,495 --> 00:14:57,155
You know, I saw
your drink and I...
413
00:14:57,197 --> 00:14:58,827
No, no,
this isn't my drink.
414
00:14:58,865 --> 00:15:00,125
This is hers.
415
00:15:00,167 --> 00:15:02,397
No, it isn't.
416
00:15:02,435 --> 00:15:03,595
Whatever.
417
00:15:03,636 --> 00:15:04,696
How 'bout you?
418
00:15:04,737 --> 00:15:06,767
Oh, I'm straight, too.
419
00:15:06,806 --> 00:15:08,476
But I thank you
for your time,
420
00:15:08,508 --> 00:15:11,338
and I appreciate
your interest in my body.
421
00:15:13,380 --> 00:15:14,410
You see that?
422
00:15:14,447 --> 00:15:16,717
Being hit on doesn't
have to be terrible.
423
00:15:16,749 --> 00:15:19,819
I feel flattered, and everyone
left with their dignity.
424
00:15:19,852 --> 00:15:22,192
(giggling)
425
00:15:22,222 --> 00:15:24,192
Hey, I really
like your sweater.
426
00:15:24,224 --> 00:15:25,164
Wow.
427
00:15:25,192 --> 00:15:26,762
You actually do, don't you?
428
00:15:26,793 --> 00:15:27,763
You're not
checking out
429
00:15:27,794 --> 00:15:29,234
my boobs or anything.
430
00:15:29,262 --> 00:15:31,432
My name's Gay Ken,
what do you think?
431
00:15:31,464 --> 00:15:32,474
(laughs)
432
00:15:32,499 --> 00:15:33,329
I love this place!
433
00:15:33,366 --> 00:15:34,996
Let's dance!
And not be groped!
434
00:15:35,035 --> 00:15:37,135
Whoo! Thank you.
435
00:15:39,539 --> 00:15:40,609
Damn.
436
00:15:40,640 --> 00:15:43,080
Thank you!
437
00:15:43,110 --> 00:15:45,010
We're hot.
Totally.
438
00:15:45,045 --> 00:15:46,305
(James laughing)
439
00:15:46,346 --> 00:15:48,576
And then Tom says
to the dealer
440
00:15:48,615 --> 00:15:52,045
that the handmade Georgian clock
has a chip on the corner.
441
00:15:52,085 --> 00:15:53,945
Blam, we get
that puppy half price.
442
00:15:53,987 --> 00:15:55,157
What up?!
443
00:15:55,188 --> 00:15:56,858
Bam!
(laughing)
444
00:15:56,889 --> 00:16:01,129
Sounds like you really rocked
that arts and crafts fair.
445
00:16:01,161 --> 00:16:02,501
Oh, yeah, oh, yeah.
446
00:16:02,529 --> 00:16:03,899
Hey, oh, my God.
447
00:16:03,930 --> 00:16:07,030
This is so liberating, being
able to talk about this to you.
448
00:16:07,067 --> 00:16:07,927
I cannot wait
449
00:16:07,967 --> 00:16:09,067
for you to meet Tom.
450
00:16:09,102 --> 00:16:10,342
And I cannot
wait for you
451
00:16:10,370 --> 00:16:11,900
to meet my
good friend...
452
00:16:11,938 --> 00:16:13,468
this guy.
453
00:16:13,506 --> 00:16:15,736
Excuse me, do you know anyone
who would like to buy
454
00:16:15,775 --> 00:16:18,645
my incredibly muscular, fun,
large-handed brother a drink?
455
00:16:18,678 --> 00:16:21,248
Eh, eh, eh, let's focus
on you, Barnaby.
456
00:16:21,281 --> 00:16:23,921
Okay.
(imitating radar beeping)
457
00:16:23,950 --> 00:16:25,790
All right.
458
00:16:25,818 --> 00:16:28,258
I spy a group of women who have
let their defenses down
459
00:16:28,288 --> 00:16:29,758
because they are
in a gay club.
460
00:16:29,789 --> 00:16:31,389
You see that chick
right there?
461
00:16:31,424 --> 00:16:33,094
She looks like
she'd fall for
462
00:16:33,126 --> 00:16:34,656
sports agent
and football player.
463
00:16:34,694 --> 00:16:35,864
Okay, I'm in.
464
00:16:35,895 --> 00:16:36,925
Which one am I?
465
00:16:36,963 --> 00:16:37,903
(laughing)
466
00:16:37,930 --> 00:16:39,170
Please.
467
00:16:41,068 --> 00:16:42,138
He's very shy,
468
00:16:42,169 --> 00:16:43,339
loves tennis and Brazil,
469
00:16:43,370 --> 00:16:44,840
and drops his pants
after three dirty martinis.
470
00:16:44,871 --> 00:16:45,741
Now go, man, go!
471
00:16:51,578 --> 00:16:54,578
I just never thought I'd
see Barney so vulnerable.
472
00:16:54,614 --> 00:16:56,454
Well, I guess no one
wants to feel like
473
00:16:56,483 --> 00:16:57,783
they're going through
the world alone.
474
00:16:57,817 --> 00:17:00,247
Look at me, in a yummy sandwich!
475
00:17:00,287 --> 00:17:02,317
Okay, we're actually
right in the middle
476
00:17:02,355 --> 00:17:03,485
of something
right now, so...
477
00:17:03,523 --> 00:17:05,063
Ooh, I know
what I want to be
478
00:17:05,092 --> 00:17:06,092
in the middle of.
Thoughts?
479
00:17:06,126 --> 00:17:07,986
God, can't two straight guys
480
00:17:08,027 --> 00:17:09,757
come to a gay dance club,
enjoy some techno
481
00:17:09,796 --> 00:17:11,226
and good conversation
without being bothered?
482
00:17:14,967 --> 00:17:16,597
How's it going, guys?
483
00:17:16,636 --> 00:17:18,836
Still enjoying
the attentions of men?
484
00:17:18,871 --> 00:17:21,241
That's like the eighth guy
who's hit on us in ten minutes.
485
00:17:21,274 --> 00:17:23,114
It's like, hello,
my eyes are up here.
486
00:17:23,143 --> 00:17:24,313
(chuckles)
487
00:17:24,344 --> 00:17:25,484
And it's never the hot ones.
488
00:17:25,512 --> 00:17:26,982
It's always the losers.
Bums me out!
489
00:17:27,013 --> 00:17:29,583
Looks like the boys
learned their lesson.
490
00:17:29,616 --> 00:17:31,476
Do you totally miss
being hit on?
491
00:17:31,518 --> 00:17:33,248
Oh, totally.
Let's go find a sports bar.
492
00:17:35,322 --> 00:17:37,922
James, James, since you like
arts and crafts,
493
00:17:37,957 --> 00:17:39,587
look at what
Charles here made
494
00:17:39,626 --> 00:17:40,786
with cherry stems.
495
00:17:41,828 --> 00:17:43,098
He did it with
his tongue.
496
00:17:43,130 --> 00:17:44,130
Yeah.
497
00:17:44,164 --> 00:17:45,004
Barney.
498
00:17:45,031 --> 00:17:46,531
So, Charles,
499
00:17:46,566 --> 00:17:48,636
why don't you put your number
in my brother's phone,
500
00:17:48,668 --> 00:17:50,098
and once he's in
a funner mood...
501
00:17:50,137 --> 00:17:51,467
Barney, Barney, I
don't want his number.
502
00:17:51,504 --> 00:17:54,344
I don't want anyone's
number, okay?
503
00:17:54,374 --> 00:17:56,044
I'm getting married.
504
00:17:56,075 --> 00:17:56,875
Wow.
505
00:17:56,909 --> 00:17:58,649
Best of luck to you both.
506
00:17:58,678 --> 00:17:59,848
Thank you.
507
00:17:59,879 --> 00:18:00,949
My number's in here.
508
00:18:00,980 --> 00:18:02,550
I'm very discreet.
509
00:18:04,351 --> 00:18:06,321
Okay, okay,
excuse me.
510
00:18:06,353 --> 00:18:08,123
Barney, family talk.
511
00:18:08,155 --> 00:18:10,215
Okay, dude, you have
got to stop this, okay?
512
00:18:10,257 --> 00:18:11,817
I know that my getting
married is threatening
513
00:18:11,858 --> 00:18:13,128
to your way
of life...
514
00:18:13,160 --> 00:18:14,430
Oh, so now it's
my way of life?
515
00:18:14,461 --> 00:18:16,831
I thought it was
our way of life.
516
00:18:16,863 --> 00:18:18,933
You've completely
turned your back on it.
517
00:18:18,965 --> 00:18:20,665
Look at you,
not even suited up.
518
00:18:20,700 --> 00:18:22,770
Do you remember why
we suit up, James?
519
00:18:22,802 --> 00:18:24,402
To get laid.
520
00:18:24,437 --> 00:18:26,567
To show people
that we are different
521
00:18:26,606 --> 00:18:29,536
from the millions of T-shirt
and jeans lemmings out there.
522
00:18:29,576 --> 00:18:30,406
The suit shows
523
00:18:30,443 --> 00:18:32,353
that we are a force
to be reckoned with,
524
00:18:32,379 --> 00:18:35,009
a two-person army
that plays by its own rules.
525
00:18:35,047 --> 00:18:36,477
But you've taken off
the uniform,
526
00:18:36,516 --> 00:18:38,546
you've crossed enemy lines,
and you've abandoned me.
527
00:18:38,585 --> 00:18:40,145
Well, I'm not gonna
let you do that.
528
00:18:40,187 --> 00:18:43,657
It's not too late to back out
of this stupid marriage thing!
529
00:18:43,690 --> 00:18:45,230
You don't have to do this, bro!
530
00:18:45,258 --> 00:18:46,588
Yes, I do.
Why?!
531
00:18:46,626 --> 00:18:48,556
Because Tom and I are
gonna have a baby.
532
00:18:48,595 --> 00:18:50,895
What? There's gonna be a baby?
533
00:18:50,930 --> 00:18:54,270
Yes.
534
00:18:54,301 --> 00:18:55,641
We're adopting.
535
00:18:55,668 --> 00:18:57,368
Oh, my God.
536
00:18:57,404 --> 00:18:58,974
I'm gonna be an uncle?
537
00:18:59,005 --> 00:19:01,335
For the rest
of your life.
538
00:19:01,974 --> 00:19:04,514
(laughing)
539
00:19:04,544 --> 00:19:06,754
TED:
And that's how Barney
became Uncle Barney.
540
00:19:06,779 --> 00:19:09,179
A year later,
at James's wedding,
541
00:19:09,216 --> 00:19:10,846
Barney could not
have been more proud.
542
00:19:10,883 --> 00:19:12,853
To James and Tom.
543
00:19:12,885 --> 00:19:15,615
May you have a long
and happy life together.
544
00:19:15,655 --> 00:19:17,685
And may I always have
the skin and libido
545
00:19:17,724 --> 00:19:18,534
of a much younger man.
546
00:19:18,558 --> 00:19:19,888
Cheers.
ALL:
Cheers.
547
00:19:21,127 --> 00:19:22,657
Nice one.
548
00:19:22,695 --> 00:19:25,425
Thanks. I decided to leave out
the hetero college phase.
549
00:19:25,465 --> 00:19:26,965
No one wants to hear about that.
550
00:19:26,999 --> 00:19:28,539
It was perfect.
551
00:19:28,568 --> 00:19:30,968
You even made
Tom's dad cry.
552
00:19:31,003 --> 00:19:33,573
Might have been doing that
because he's a Republican.
553
00:19:33,606 --> 00:19:35,066
(chuckles)
554
00:19:35,107 --> 00:19:36,707
Whoa.
555
00:19:36,743 --> 00:19:37,583
It's 9:00.
556
00:19:37,610 --> 00:19:38,550
We should be
getting back.
557
00:19:38,578 --> 00:19:40,048
You guys want
to split a cab?
558
00:19:40,079 --> 00:19:42,319
Uh, no, I think I'm gonna
stay a little bit longer.
559
00:19:42,349 --> 00:19:44,179
Yeah, me, too. I'm
not tired at all.
560
00:19:44,217 --> 00:19:45,287
All right, well,
it's getting late.
561
00:19:45,318 --> 00:19:46,548
Got to get
the wife home.
562
00:19:46,586 --> 00:19:47,846
Oh, stop calling me that.
563
00:19:47,887 --> 00:19:48,887
It makes me sound fat.
564
00:19:50,957 --> 00:19:52,957
Ugh, it's a freaking epidemic.
565
00:19:52,992 --> 00:19:54,662
See ya.
566
00:19:58,631 --> 00:20:01,931
** [romantic song plays]
567
00:20:07,340 --> 00:20:08,740
May I?
Yeah.
568
00:20:08,775 --> 00:20:10,205
(chuckles)
569
00:20:14,714 --> 00:20:15,684
Hey, buddy.
570
00:20:17,183 --> 00:20:18,423
Your parents are married.
571
00:20:18,451 --> 00:20:20,821
Now, listen, you.
572
00:20:20,853 --> 00:20:23,523
Just because you're being
raised by married people
573
00:20:23,556 --> 00:20:25,756
doesn't mean you have to choose
that lifestyle.
574
00:20:25,792 --> 00:20:27,162
High-five.
575
00:20:27,193 --> 00:20:30,263
Luckily, you got me.
576
00:20:30,297 --> 00:20:33,397
In 20 and a half years,
you'll be 21,
577
00:20:33,433 --> 00:20:35,943
and I will be...
578
00:20:35,968 --> 00:20:37,938
Well, I haven't decided
how old I'll be yet.
579
00:20:37,970 --> 00:20:39,440
But we are gonna
580
00:20:39,472 --> 00:20:42,042
bro out,
uncle and nephew style.
581
00:20:42,074 --> 00:20:44,444
Stick with me, kid.
582
00:20:44,477 --> 00:20:48,207
I am gonna teach
you how to live.
583
00:20:48,247 --> 00:20:49,947
Great suit,
by the way.
584
00:20:52,151 --> 00:20:53,921
(mock straining)
585
00:20:53,953 --> 00:20:55,323
Who is the cutest?
586
00:20:55,355 --> 00:20:56,615
See Robin?
587
00:20:58,491 --> 00:21:01,861
** [song ends]
588
00:21:04,263 --> 00:21:05,703
I don't get it.
589
00:21:05,732 --> 00:21:08,502
Tom liked my breasts
in tenth grade.
590
00:21:09,536 --> 00:21:12,936
Why doesn't he like them now?
591
00:21:12,972 --> 00:21:14,472
(sobbing):
Why?
592
00:21:14,507 --> 00:21:18,547
Rosa, why always be attracted
to the unavailable ones?
593
00:21:18,578 --> 00:21:20,808
Why not accept the fact
that you're a beautiful woman
594
00:21:20,847 --> 00:21:22,007
who is worthy of love?
595
00:21:23,182 --> 00:21:24,322
Are you brave enough
to hear that?
596
00:21:24,351 --> 00:21:25,851
You...
597
00:21:25,885 --> 00:21:26,785
Hmm.
38304